So you want to start a poly relationship..

[TenderKnight]

.. Why yes.. Yes I do! lol

I'm starting this thread to get some input from others with maybe a little more or differing experience then me.

I am a self identified poly person without a primary partner. I have a couple of close relationships that are pretty deep on thier own levels, but no one that I could call my girl/boyfriend and or partner..

How does one start a primary relationship? I should be more clear.. It seems to have been my experience that out in the poly world, most people that ID as poly have a primary. This is kind of a generalzation, but I'm going to run with it.. There is of course the fact that diffrent relationships can have diffrent levels and be just as rich for all involved, but there is also that *core* relationship that is who you go to bed with nightly and say good morning to when you wake up.

Is it easier to start with a primary and then branch out? Or has it been your experience that relationships shift with time and people can orbit from being *core* to being fringe in your life and vice versa? How have you delt with being shifted, or shifting yourself?

I really hope that I am being clear with my thoughts here, if not, please ask and I will go into greater detail.

Thank you all in advance for any input on this and I look forward to hearing what you have to say about this topic :)

-Tony

[dark_crystal]

.. Why yes.. Yes I do! lol

I'm starting this thread to get some input from others with maybe a little more or differing experience then me.

I am a self identified poly person without a primary partner. I have a couple of close relationships that are pretty deep on thier own levels, but no one that I could call my girl/boyfriend and or partner..

How does one start a primary relationship? I should be more clear.. It seems to have been my experience that out in the poly world, most people that ID as poly have a primary. This is kind of a generalzation, but I'm going to run with it.. There is of course the fact that diffrent relationships can have diffrent levels and be just as rich for all involved, but there is also that *core* relationship that is who you go to bed with nightly and say good morning to when you wake up.

Is it easier to start with a primary and then branch out? Or has it been your experience that relationships shift with time and people can orbit from being *core* to being fringe in your life and vice versa? How have you delt with being shifted, or shifting yourself?

I really hope that I am being clear with my thoughts here, if not, please ask and I will go into greater detail.

Thank you all in advance for any input on this and I look forward to hearing what you have to say about this topic :)

-Tony

i got nothin to add but i am interested in the topic...although i don't want to start one so much as join one lol

i am not in a place right now where i would make a good primary but i think i'd be an awesome beta girl!

[Martina]

i agree that most people have a primary. i think that a lot of poly people date looking for a primary. And a lot of them find one.

i haven't seen a lot of shifting. People who are longstanding play partners aren't more for a reason usually. Shifting outward is doable but hard. Staying play partners with an ex-partner -- i'd have to wait a year or more before trying that.

The people i have seen have the most trouble are submissives who already have a primary they submit to. Most Dominants do not want to negotiate shared power or have power over the submissive only during time together. They want the package. It's too bad. Anytime someone finds an experienced and successful submissive, they ought to take a serious look at the possibilities -- unless they KNOW they want a primary.

i have been in a relationship with two Dominants at the same time. i started seeing them at about the same time. i didn't think either relationship really had serious potential. One was a bi femme, and i thought, Naaa. Famous last words. The other was a butch 15 years younger than i am. Both relationships evolved into more serious connections. The Dominants met each other and liked each other. They shared my time well. But power, not so much. When i broke up with one, the other was jubilant. i didn't realize how much he had wanted the other relationship to end until then. But the power sharing thing, while not as drama filled as it could have been, was clearly frustrating to the Dominants. i also was TIRED. Serving two Dominants in separate households is a LOT OF WORK!

Now i am a submissive to a couple in a primary relationship. i do not have a primary, nor am i looking for one. If i were, though, i might be in a tough position. What are the odds -- to meet someone you feel that kind of potential with, for her to be kinky, poly, and OK with you worshipping the ground that someone else walks on? that TWO someone elses walk on? The best case scenario would be if the potential primary were a switch and wanted to serve my Dominants too. Again, what are the odds?

[femmebaker]

Hi Tony,

I hear you! The pool seems so small to begin with.

I actually have the other problem. I have a primary relationship and am really struggling to find people to date and/or play with. Where are all the poly butches and trans guys? :curtain:

-Femmebaker (who's so vexed with the situation that she's going to leave that poor preposition dangling)

[TenderKnight]

i got nothin to add but i am interested in the topic...although i don't want to start one so much as join one lol

i am not in a place right now where i would make a good primary but i think i'd be an awesome beta girl!

lol.. Beta can be fun too! That has been my main "role" within my past poly relations.. It can be good if all partners are honest (including ME) with what they really want and need from the relationship..

I was actually just talking to a friend today about this.. I'm not sure I am really in the space to be in a primary relationship either, but it's always good to hear other's stories and experience. Thank you for posting :)

[TenderKnight]

Now i am a submissive to a couple in a primary relationship. i do not have a primary, nor am i looking for one. If i were, though, i might be in a tough position. What are the odds -- to meet someone you feel that kind of potential with, for her to be kinky, poly, and OK with you worshipping the ground that someone else walks on? that TWO someone elses walk on? The best case scenario would be if the potential primary were a switch and wanted to serve my Dominants too. Again, what are the odds?

Martina, I feel you on this statement.. It is really hard to find someone to be a primary when you may already have other relationships.. Harder still if you are a submissive in the other relationships..

I know that for me, it would be hard to be a certain role within any type of primary/core relationship.. I'm a switch and if I am involved with someone, long term, I want the freedom to express all of me, not just parts.. That is one of the reasons I'm not busting at the seams to start a primary with anyone.. I'm still getting *ME* settled.. It is much easier for me to have certain roles within a relationship..

For example, both of the guys I spend time with are more Toppish then anything else, and that's good :) However, once one of the guys asked me to fist him.. I did it, but I felt kinda weird about it.. I was out of my safe zone.. Not saying that it was bad, we both enjoyed it, but it took it to a level that was a little deeper then I was really ready for..

*sighs* I never feel like I'm getting my points across.. lol My point with that story.. Right now, i want my relations to be on a certain level, a level that isn't too vulnerable for me or my partners. That is a good thing about being honest, we don't have to if we don't want to, and that's fine..

On a side note, I have found that poly relations are a little more tolerated and accepted in the BDSM/Leather communities.. I have often wondered why this is.. My first poly relationship was a boy to a Daddy/girl couple and it seemed like there were a few other examples of that type of situation within that local community.. and this was a small town in the South! lol

Thank you for your input, gave me food for thought :)

-Tony, who needs an editor to condence his thoughts and posts.. lol

[TenderKnight]

Hi Tony,

I hear you! The pool seems so small to begin with.

I actually have the other problem. I have a primary relationship and am really struggling to find people to date and/or play with. Where are all the poly butches and trans guys? :curtain:

-Femmebaker (who's so vexed with the situation that she's going to leave that poor preposition dangling)

heh, on the West Coast, of course! But really, I feel you on that one.. I hope that you find some local meat soon (lol.. not trying to be rude, just comes out that way sometimes..lol). I have actually found Craigslist to be helpful.. just weed out the weirdos and flakes :)

-Tony, who would offer his humble services, but can't afford plane fare ;)

[ravfem]

...

On a side note, I have found that poly relations are a little more tolerated and accepted in the BDSM/Leather communities.. I have often wondered why this is.. My first poly relationship was a boy to a Daddy/girl couple and it seemed like there were a few other examples of that type of situation within that local community.. and this was a small town in the South! lol ...

-Tony

:thinking: hmmm :giggle:

*hugs Tony* we've both come a long way, huh? (well, ok, you went further....like alllllll the way across the states!!)

i personally think there are more poly relationships within the Life because we, as a whole (and generally speaking), are more open to alternative relationships.

i will say that my experiences into poly didn't work too well. But i think that the main reason is because my Owner and i had issues that not only were we not confronting, but i didn't even know about at the time. That meant that while she was saying one thing, she was feeling something totally different...and the 3rd that we eventually agreed upon got caught right in the middle of it all.

Given time and my personal growth, i can say that today, i am open to poly. i'm not looking for it or in a poly relationship now, but i am not closed off to the possibility like i was after the fiasco with my ex.

i personally think that people in general aren't meant to be with only one person their entire life. Society teaches us that we are supposed to find "The One" and once we do, we'll never desire or need another person. Ever.

The funny thing is, even as society teaches us this, it is doing the exact opposite, either with serial monogamy or cheaters.

i firmly believe i can never be "all" to one person, nor can one person be my "all".

[TenderKnight]

rav,

Heh.. yes, we have come a long way.. I was so trying NOT to out you as one of my ex's.. Buuut.. lol ((((((((((((((rav))))))))))))))

I agree with your statement that not one person can be another person's *all*.. I have found that to be true as well. I guess for me, it's nice to have certain people for certain things.. It makes it easy to know where you are and what you both want and desire from the interaction with one another.

I think you maybe right about the alternative lifestyle thing within BDSM poly relationships.. I think it may also have to do with how *small* some r/t communities are.. Plus the fact that diffrent people are experienced in diffrent skills and it makes sence to form relations with those you desire to learn from or to grow with as a Top or a bottom.

Thank you for your post and for outing yourself as my ex ;) Now people can see that I haven't killed ALL my exes and stuffed them into flower pots.. Not that I would ever do such a thing.. Not me.. Well, maybe once, but that one doesn't count..

:p

Thanks again :)

-Tony

[michaelluster76]

I am a poly butch in my area, I am having a hard time finding personal relationships, since I am poly also, its harder I think to find people here in phoenix.

[Charmingbutch21]

Not sure if this is the right thread to post in but anyway...

How do you (folks) in poly relationships deal with the NRE (new relationship energy) of a person you are dating who is dating someone new, and who also happens to have a primary relationship?

Personally, I've moved through the jealousy part and understand that I have qualities that this lady loves. Her S.O. and new person of interest have qualities she loves too. No biggie. I'm new to this (6 or so months), so I want to make sure she knows I still care, but I don't want to overwhelm her with communication while she is in NRE with someone else. So, I text here and there to reassure her I'm still around and she texts and calls too. Things seem to be good, but I don't want to over communicate nor under communicate. If that makes sense.

What says you?

[WingsOnFire]

stopping by to comment so I can find it again later... I will come back and respond to your question hopefully tonight charmingbutch21

[HoldMeSteady]

Thanks for the post, TenderNight. It's hard to find people in this community who are open to poly. I'm in an open relationship and it's hard to find a butch top who's okay with that.

[Charmingbutch21]

stopping by to comment so I can find it again later... I will come back and respond to your question hopefully tonight charmingbutch21

Would love to hear your advice Wings, when you get a chance :)

[WingsOnFire]

Would love to hear your advice Wings, when you get a chance :)

yes I thought of this driving home yesterday lol and with the heat promptly forgot. Will try again later

[Loren_Q]

Not sure if this is the right thread to post in but anyway...

How do you (folks) in poly relationships deal with the NRE (new relationship energy) of a person you are dating who is dating someone new, and who also happens to have a primary relationship?

Personally, I've moved through the jealousy part and understand that I have qualities that this lady loves. Her S.O. and new person of interest have qualities she loves too. No biggie. I'm new to this (6 or so months), so I want to make sure she knows I still care, but I don't want to overwhelm her with communication while she is in NRE with someone else. So, I text here and there to reassure her I'm still around and she texts and calls too. Things seem to be good, but I don't want to over communicate nor under communicate. If that makes sense.

What says you?

I've not been in that particular configuration, I'm the one with the primary partner.

However one thing I do with my poly partners is make sure there's at least 1 time a week we speak, usually just a half hour or so (my commute time) but it's pretty sacrosanct. This means even when/if I'm in NRE my other non-primaries know I'm still there. It helps them hold space for me and vice-versa if they fall for someone.

Having that set date/time really helps I've found.

[Loren_Q]

Thanks for the post, TenderNight. It's hard to find people in this community who are open to poly. I'm in an open relationship and it's hard to find a butch top who's okay with that.

Maybe it's a location thing, I'm in the San Francisco bay area and there are quite a number of butch tops who are poly. Course it depends on what you mean by "poly".

For me my poly extends my BDSM. I have had (or still have) play only relationships, sexual and/or romantic D/s based relationships, non-romantic D/s based relationships and so on.

My spouse and I both have agreements in place so I can have these (and she can have hers).

What I've found is a lot of women my age are less open to poly (I'm 54); it may be that I have a spouse/primary and am not available to be exclusive or something along that line, but that's where I see less interest.