Making Peace with Exes

[Daryn]

Today I had lunch with an ex I have not seen in about 13 or 14 years. The break-up was a bitch, catty, ugly, etc. A few years back she called me at work. I thought she wanted to date again because of one thing she said and I was involved so I pretty much blew off any more conversations. I've been single again about a year and decided I wanted to see if we could just be friends. Googled and found a current email addy and sent a note. Eventually heard back.

It's all so odd why people get so bent when things are not working out. It wasn't working for me and communicating wasn't working either. We were stuck in our positions. And I was tired of it so I called it over and she wasn't ready to hear that.

A lot of time has passed. A lot of hard things have happened in both of our lives. But it was nice to just sit down, have lunch, talk, go for a walk after lunch, talk, and realize we could be friends. And I really hope that we do go kayaking a couple of times this summer.

I am also talking her into ditching the dash site and coming over here.

My last ex is still majorly pissed at me and it makes me sad since we were together for a long time by either of our standards. Today gave me hope that time may heal all things or not.....

[bigbutchmistie]

My last ex, my close friends know how bad of a break up it was, and how long we were together. Its funny, how we are friends now, and I look at her and wonder how we ever got to that place. I am good friends with her gf. As a matter of fact, I introduced my ex to the butch-femme dating site and that's how they met.

I enjoy our friendship now, and enjoy my friendship with her gf. I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. For me it was difficult. But one thing I knew is that even though we werent meant to be, we both deserved to be happy.

Im very good friends with my first gf. We have been close for over ten years. Im good friends with another ex.

I by no means am perfect. I was just fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to be friends with the ones I made peace with. With the ones that stole a piece of my heart in friendship. I have no regets. Only sweet memories and learning experiences. They have taught me what I want and e not to accept anything less. :)

[jey_z76]

I have tried to do the right thing, be the better person, and be civil or at least try to still be friends with my exes. Unfortunately, they never wanted to.... even though they were the ones who broke up with me! I have seen some of them out at clubs/bars that I was at and they would look at me like I was the bad guy in all of it. I have even gone as far as to text some of them on holidays and wish them the best of those days. I would always get a nasty response, like they thought I was trying to be sly with what I was saying. Even though it would say something like, Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

The good thing about all this, is that at least I know I tried!

~J~

[Tcountry]

I think everyone has their own way of dealing with things...
It is my belief that if you don't wind up friends you probably didnt have that much in common to be great lovers anyway...I know it seems silly but it happens...
Some people are better off friends than lovers...
And some are better off learning that hard way that lovers was all it was...
But the best relationships start with friends and develop into lovers...

course that is the opinion of a cheezy hopeless romantic...what do I know! :flowers:

[Laerkin]

I've been pretty lucky over the years with my exes.

My first boyfriend from high school was a dear friend of mine for many years after we broke up and I still care about him very much (though we lost touch and I haven't been able to find him in recent years).

The guy I lost my V-card to is a Facebook friend and we have stayed in touch over the years. We weren't great together at all, but he's interesting and we share similar politics so it's nice to touch base every once in a while.

My most recent ex, M, is a wonderful woman. She's funny and caring and has a huge heart. I wish we were closer than we are. There certainly aren't any hard feelings and our break-up was honest and timely. We've cross paths occasionally and we always enjoy catching up when we do see each other. Maybe down the road our paths will intersect again and we'll be friends.

Looking back, I think I've just been very lucky that the majority of my relationships ended at a point when both of us were ready to move on and, though painful or tear-filled, it was never nasty or hurtful.

[Gemme]

I haven't been fortunate enough to cultivate breaks ups that have easily mainstreamed into friendships. Some have found the way there, but it's been through time and patience, and there's been work put into each one. I do have hope that some other exes and I shall remain friends in time but I'm fully aware that it may never happen. All relationships take work and effort on the parts of all the participants, and if one isn't playing ball, then the game goes to Hell and gets called off.

[lipstixgal]

My ex contacted me last year wanted to be friends on fb but it didn't work out she said she wanted to get back together but she also said she is MOrmon and can't do that..so no we are not friends at this time and I don't know if I want to be friends it was a hurtful time in my life but that was a long time ago so maybe I should forgive her and move on which I'm trying to do...

[girl_dee]

Making "peace" and being friends are two different things..IMO

If I see an ex, I'd be cordial...I'd put em out if they were on fire, maybe..
but friends? no thanks,, I left them and the pain the caused behind.. I don't feel a need to have them in my life at all and I would not want my current partner to deal with my bringing old flames into our relationship circle. I guess when I'm done, I'm done. I've been the one to leave relationships, and for a reason.

I also feel that once you have been intimate and/or had a relationship, its not just a plain ole friendship .. it's much deeper a that. I don't get how people refer to exes as just *friends* when you've already gone beyond that and back. It's a deeper relationship and that's ok too, the feelings are different, your energy is different than people you are simply friends with. If there are kids involved being peaceful is of course the only way to go. It's also very awkward for the new partner to have to deal with. It's doable, but only with lots of TLC.

I guess I just don't need to be close to people I am no longer involved with, maybe I don't like being reminded of the pain the bastards caused me and the fact that I allowed them to hurt me !

ahem. :eyebat:

[Apocalipstic]

I have been lucky in that I have enough in common with almost all my exes to still maintain close friendships. Just because we did not work out as a couple, does not mean they won't make an awesome friend. :)

I count myself VERY lucky! :)

[Julie]

I still love each and every one of my exes. No matter how we ended or the reasons why we ended is not so important to me. What is important, is what brought us together to begin with and hopefully be reminded of this.

I just cannot imagine, loving someone so much one day and then not the next.

One of my exes is not alive anymore... And I really miss her. Our breakup was not the best and it put me in a pretty ugly financial situation. I could have certainly gone the "hate" route with her. But dammit, she is gone now, and if I did not have those moments after we broke up, to let her know I loved her (still) even up to the day before she died (suicide)... I know, I would be carrying this deeply within me. She knew I loved her before she died and I knew she loved me. We were lucky we resolved our issues.

Sometimes, hating can become a permanent fixture - if you are not allowed to work through the ugly with the person. Sometimes we don't get a second chance.

[princessbelle]

Interesting.....

I have found it both ways....being friends with an ex or not having contact at all and it depends on several things for me....given the situation and how the breakup was handled and why it happened to begin with.

Most of my exes i don't have to deal with, i don't have to see, i don't have to think about and some have not been forgiven by perhaps what they did to be my ex to begin with. Those people are just forgotten by me and no longer exist in my world by my choice or by theirs...don't matter, they are simply gone.

However, there are a couple that I want to remain friends with. Why? cause i simply adore them. Maybe it didn't work out on the romantic side either for lack of connection or timing or whatever. Different reasons each but, that doesn't mean that I want to block them from my world if they are receptive with it in return. I enjoy a couple of friendships with exes but I do believe, in my experience, that it takes time to get to that point and things have to come full circle and those hurt feelings have to heal. But when they do and you can talk with someone that you have feelings for whatever those feelings may be...it is a true gift to you both. Boundries have to be set and hearts have to be protected...but it's a blessing when it happens...imo.

[Oiler41]

Interesting.....

I have found it both ways....being friends with an ex or not having contact at all and it depends on several things for me....given the situation and how the breakup was handled and why it happened to begin with.

I agree with this completely. How a break up is handled is a HUGE indication of character and can often tell you whether or not you misplaced your trust to begin with; we are talking about an ex after all, and they are an ex for some reason.

I have a couple of exes that I'm still friends with, a couple that I don't keep in touch with but know there is no reason we couldn't be friends if we wanted to, and a couple that I wouldn't spit on if they were on fire (as much as I hate to say that, it is the truth and I value honesty).

Break-ups happen. We have all been there. In my opinion, the hope of one day developing and possibly maintaining a friendship with an ex all depends on just as you indicated,,what caused the break-up to begin with (although I will be the first to admit, each person plays some role in a break-up; its rarely one sided) and how the break-up was handled, meaning handle it with integrity, be fair in your dealings with each other, and basically, just do what is right. With a little soul searching, no matter the situation, it is usually not all that difficult to ascertain what is "right". Just my opinion mind you.

Glynn, who is happily married and glad I never have to worry about a break-up again!

[Glenn]

I've never thrown the hail mary pass, and i don't have any x's sitting around the bull-pen. Furthermore, I've learned not to return to the stable of losers.

[katsarecool]

Most of my relationships ended at my end and most of them are not at all interested in being friends. I would wish it to be otherwise as said here by some there was something special that brought us together in the first place. I have always made the offer of friendship after a decent interval and am satisfied that I did make that offer. I am still friends with one ex and I cannot imagine never loving her in the most special and private way.

[WolfyOne]

I happen to have a few ex's I've kept in contact with one way or another.

In fact, I just moved out of a house my ex and I shared. She ended the relationship, but not for any reasons anyone could imagine. She has chosen a spiritual path and wants to give her life to our creator. I didn't lose her to another person, I lost her to God. It's been quite hard for me, but I understand. We'll always maintain a friendship because she really is a good friend and cares about others like no one I ever met. I learned from her about wanting to be the best person I could possibly be. She has been my best friend for years now and going into a religious order won't change that. We fight, we make up, we've laughed and cried together. Isn't that part of what being friends is about? Rediscovering me and healing my heart doesn't mean we can't continue as friends.

I have a couple other ex's I keep in touch with via email as they both have children I happen to adore. With one, it took years to even get to a point where we could even be pleasant in emails, but time, distance and age has finally changed that. Another one I talk to twice a year, on her birthday I call her and she calls me on mine. It's something neither of us forget and have been doing it for 20 years.

Ex or not, they come into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. I'm thankful for those that have entered my life because it helped me learn more about myself. Sometimes relationships work better and last longer when you live apart. Maybe that's the reason some people can keep ex's as friends.

[Nat]

I'm friends with the majority of my exes, but not all. I think I've been lucky that most of my relationships have been mutually respectful and supportive and the breakups have kept that tone.

There are a few where friendship wasn't possible.

I don't hang out regularly with any of my exes, but we keep tabs on each other. Occasional texts or emails or calls, a few facebook friends. Just check-ins to make sure each other are okay. :)

[DomnNC]

I have to agree with the concept that it just depends on why the relationship ended. If it was an issue where a trust was violated, then no, I don't keep people in my life that I cannot trust.

There are a couple I talk to on the phone to catch up on our lives, maybe, depending on if I feel like dealing with trying to hear on the phone, lol. (Those that have spoken to me on the phone know the reason for that).

Of those left, I think I would call them an aquaintance now, after all, years would have passed, people change, so you really don't "know" them anymore. If I see them out and about, I'm cordial, ask them how things are going, etcetcetc, maybe, lol. But have them over to my house to sit down and visit for a spell, no, I wouldn't put that awkwardness on my wife (at that time).

[sylvie]

A few of my breakups have resulted in friendship..
And a couple haven't.. for me, depends on the situation, if there is a break in trust, or if i know that distancing them is better for my own well being.. i don't do well with intentional negativity..

But for the few i've been able to stay friends with, we actually make wonderful friends and it's a great thing.. No hard feelings, and i am friends with their significant others as well.. it's also a healthy situation for my children, in the sense they didn't have the bickering and well, their feelings were invested in my relationship with my ex too, they spent quality time with them and when we broke up, missed them.. so it's nice they still get to interact with them .. but it's never a close friendship either that we go hang out together or visit one another, that would be awkward for their significant other or one day, my significant other perhaps... i would always want my significant other to be 100% comfortable with me & anyone that i am friends with.. my significant other would come first..

But sometimes, friendship is just not in the cards with an ex, and distance is the better choice. i never wish them harm in any way, and always want the best for them.. but just know that friendship is not the right choice..

[Erountree]

i tried making peace with ex's it just got worse shit out of it so i gave up tryin

[Brewcityboi]

my two greatest loves are now my best friends. I have been through hell and back with both of them and they know me almost better then i know myself. i think friendship is absolutly possible with exes of all forms. Even though the relationship never worked out, we grow from them. These 2 exes of mine have seen the absolute worst in me and when i get to that point, they can bring me out of it. Im also friends with many of my exes.

I think the other members have a point when they say it depends on the break up itself. My one relationship with this psycho, was the worst breakup i've ever had. Not to sound harsh but she can jump off a cliff for all i care, because it would make better place. She ruined my life. She has hurt too many other people i know. If you hurt my friends, we have some serious problems. Will i ever make peace with her? Probably not. I'm perfectly fine with that.

[sweetfemme247]

there is one thing I cannot do right now is forgive my most recent ex or even some ex's from years ago.... most of them hurt me very badly and I dont think they deserve to be forgiven right now......... most of them are decent people who I am still good friends with and some are just nasty and lie to much.

[Mtn]

I prefer remaining friends, unless they were really toxic, but as a rule, If I have loved you, even if the scope of that love has changed, I still love you, so why not be friends. Life is short and one can never have too many friends.

[Brewcityboi]

I prefer remaining friends, unless they were really toxic, but as a rule, If I have loved you, even if the scope of that love has changed, I still love you, so why not be friends. Life is short and one can never have too many friends.

hell yes! Thats so far my favorite post of the day! :)

[DapperButch]

I tend to not be friends with my exes. I have one or two that I may connect with from time to time, but not to really cultivate a friendship.

I hear others say that they obviously liked enough things in the person to date them, so why not be friends with them? I guess for me, I see it as being able to find other friends to meet those same needs/have similar characteristics that I enjoy.

Additionally, I think that it is important to have space and distance after a relationship ends so that both parties can heal. When I have ended with people I have also found it to be the most kind approach to be honest, as I think that the one on the receiving end of the breakup has a harder time letting go if contact continues.

I suppose after that I could reconnect, I just tend to choose not too. It can add difficulties in any new relationship you may have (in some cases), and I guess it is just not worth it to me?

In reading this over it seems kind of harsh or that I can just cut off feelings for others that I have dated. That is not true, I still have warm feelings in my heart for many of my exes. I guess I see losing the friendship as kind of a side effect of ending a relationship.

I have never had a nasty breakup, so that does not enter into my decision to not have friendships with exes.

[Soft*Silver]

I have discovered that time is the magic wand. I can pray. I can do therapy. I can sit in AA meetings, confessionals, do 4th, 5th, 6th, ,,8, 9 steps, take revenge, do more steps, move on, fail at more relationships, hunker down, sit celibate, pout, turn green, then blue, go straight, turn right, then left, go back, stop. Find myself. stop running. just sit there. Be. Wait. Let it happen. oh there it is. Forgiveness. Of me.

everything else follows suit...

[Kobi]

I'm kind of with Dapper on this one. Except for
prolonged and protracted disengagements, my
contact with exes is limited.

I can be cordial in a social situation we might both be part of,
or acknowledge life events but I don't seek interaction or involvement
beyond that which might happen by accident.

Making peace, to me, is a part of healing. But the healing is not
between us but within each of us. A part of them will always be
a part of me, and their presence in my life will have helped me
become who I am.

But, to me, moving on means letting go of the past and looking
toward the future.

[DapperButch]

I'm kind of with Dapper on this one. Except for
prolonged and protracted disengagements, my
contact with exes is limited.

I can be cordial in a social situation we might both be part of,
or acknowledge life events but I don't seek interaction or involvement
beyond that which might happen by accident.

Making peace, to me, is a part of healing. But the healing is not
between us but within each of us.

That last sentence is an excellent way to put it.


A part of them will always be a part of me, and their presence in my life will have helped me
become who I am.

Absolutely.

But, to me, moving on means letting go of the past and looking
toward the future.

Yes, that is how I see it too (however, I wouldn't say as a general rule that being a friend with an ex means you are not "moving on", but yes, I get what you are saying and that is the end that I am on)


----------------------

[Soft*Silver]

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what does this mean?

[Soft*Silver]

I would so like to say I did too many drugs when i was younger but really, it was just a stupid moment for me...lol...thank you!


Softness -- Dapper responded in red inside Kobi's post, then had to do ---------------------- so it would post. Otherwise, there is a message that you have too few characters

:)

[bigbutchmistie]

Im so glad I was able to part friends with most of my ex's... :) I really enjoy their friendships more than I did the relationship... :)

[Gráinne]

I'm very amicable with my childrens' father. I respect him deeply and he's a great guy. It's just that obviously, I wasn't able to love him in all ways that a woman loves a man.

Another "ex"-I say "ex", because we talked about a relationship and were intimate, but in the end decided that neither of us were in a good place to be in one. She and I are great friends to this day. There was no animosity, just lousy timing.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've been good friends/friends or amicable/friend-ly rather than friends with many ex's.

I've also had an ex that even though she pulled some unbelievable crap, I still care about her and hope she's doing well - though I can't be around her cause she still pulls the occasional crazy-making insanity. She's mostly good but it affects not just me but about three other people and it's just not a thing I want people to have to cope with - I don't want to feed into it.*

some ex's, I'm hiya, how are ya even though I couldn't really care less but I'll be polite cause I can't be arsed to be arsed. If that makes sense. *

and there's probably about two that if they are in the vicinity I would leave or hope they self destructed on the spot. And I actually mean that. They are severely screwed up narcissistic oxygen sink holes that the planet would be better off without. Not only do I feel they treat even the air around them like servile shit, their personalities grate on me. Listening to them talk "ME ME ME oh and another thing about ME is my ME ME!! HA HA HA Aren't I just so ME!!" in the same site/room/event is really difficult unless they are very very far away from me and I don't have to have their winey loud seagul squeal harping away cawing for attention in the background. *

granted, I have a couple ex friends I feel like that about as well. They got on my nerves too much. now when I hear them at a dance/event/club it's like a dry steel wheel scraping against a bracket. mn. yeah. that's sexy. *ear plugs* -*

* notes that these people are not on this site. I have harvested people in person, you know.

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

Time is the key,Time heals,Time allows a romantic intimate relationship evolve into a freindship. We should allow time to do its job.
My two cents.

[Lynn]

The most significant relationship I had, barring my present one, was my marriage to my former husband. We were together for 23 years, and now continue to co-parent our children. I'd hoped we would be friends. We said we would, for all the reasons mentioned above. But, it turns out that the resentments are too deep and neither one of us seems to find any compelling reasons to nurture a true friendship. We are cordial as we can muster for the sake of our kids, and our own sanity, but we aren't friends. I may have loved him for all those years, but I find that I don't like him very much and realize that I don't have much respect for him. Sometimes this disappoints me deeply.

I'm friends with some exes, not so much with others. Having a personal value to remain friends with an ex is not something I aspire to. If I can develop a true friendship, then that's great. But, if not, then it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes whatever brought us together in the first place isn't enough to sustain a friendship when things go sour.

[chefhottie25]

some time ago an ex and i made peace...i am so glad that we did. i was struggling with addiction when we
were together. my using was too much for her. when i got clean a few years ago we reconnected. today we
are very close friends who love each other. we have found our love for each other is very strong. it isn't
romantic love but the kind of love that dear friends share. i am so grateful for what we have.

[Luv]

I only have contact with one of my ex's..despite all the hard feelings and hurt,,to all my ex's I wish you well and hope you find your own idea of happiness..life goes on,,and so should we..

[Soft*Silver]

after having said all of the above, I need to also state I keep a small straw and tiny darts in my make up bag in my purse.

I have excellent aim...

[T4Texas]

I am friends with all my exes. It hasn't always been an easy road to that friendship, but it happened. I believe that you don't stop loving someone just because you stop sleeping with them or you can't cohabit with them. There was something that drew you to that person to begin with and for me, as long as I knew in my heart they were good people inside, that was what mattered.
I think exes are a problem for a lot of folks. You either hate them or love them and sometimes have to explain to your new significant others why you are still friends with them. I have never let other people's insecurities influence my friendships with exes or anyone else for that matter.
I live with my first ex. Five years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to stop working for a long period, she had me come to live with her. She paid my bills and the truck note I had just acquired for over a year until I was able to return to work. During our relationship, we had fought like cats and dogs, but time settled a lot of that down and she stepped up to the plate even though she didnt have to. While there are times she still drives me crazy, I would never abandon her as a friend. Whenever I meet someone I always have to explain that situation to them and watch the eyebrows go up at the mention of living with your ex.
My second ex left me for a man. We had lived together several years and it was a painful breakup for me. I stayed angry for more than a few years about it, but finally let go of all those hate feelings. I have visited her and her husband and found in some ways I liked him in spite of myself. She and I stay in touch.
My latest ex and I are working through the friendship angle. I feel that since we were friends before and during the time we slept together, that the basis for friendship is already there and it should not have to disappear just because our relationship status has changed. It's not that you have to spend time with these people, but you don't have to purge them out of your life either, unless they have done something really rotten to you. I used to be pretty vindictive about people that hurt me, but I have learned to forgive. Sometimes that forgiveness doesn't come right away, but eventually it does when I know they are good people at heart. I also take responsibility for my part in whatever caused the split, a feat some folks are incapable of doing.
I know I am loved by these women, even though we may not have a close relationship anymore. When I have been sick or in the hospital, they have come to see me or the phone calls increase, so I know they care. Having someone in your life that does care is half the battle, ex or not.

[Quintease]

I'm friends with some exes and not others. I've had many relationships, not all of them healthy. I think I've often mistaken intensity and possessiveness, for love and lust. When it's time to look back and reflect, I've realised I was unhappy for a reason, that there was nothing in that relationship that would make a friendship desirable.

Another obstacle in my way is that I haven't lived in the same city as an ex (who I was talking to) for many years. I have a few exes that I would very much like to stay in touch with, unfortunately we all live many miles from each other. Instead we occasionally [like] each other on Facebook.

[Julie]

It is five years ago today, that Rachel (my ex) killed herself.
We made peace with one another before she died.

I am so grateful we had the opportunity to make our peace - Otherwise, I might not have been able to forgive her or she might not have forgiven me and then what? We never would have had the chance and the healing.

We said I love you to one another the day before she died. I still feel guilty for not knowing. But you know, she knew she was loved at least by me - before she died. She might not have known. I know she loved me.

I love you Rachel ~ Be at Peace

[sweetfemme247]

I have made peace with all of my ex's and I think in the future, I wont let things happen that did.

[Daktari]

I'm friends with many exes, well the ones that weren't toxic.

I still live with an ex some 8yrs after we split up from a 7yr relationship. We're family, that will never change.

There are some exes however that I don't want to ever set eyes on again. That's life!

[Apocalipstic]

I have said before how I am friends with all my exes. It does take time and I hope that my most recent ex and I can at least always be cordial.

[Softly]

I haven't had that many relationships, thank god :) 1 divorce.

friend with them all, mostly ;D

I am happy that I have stayed friends with the ones I am friends with! my first love, my ex husband, partners who I have cared for in my life. It's nice to see them every now and then and know they are doing well in life and I feel happy for them.

:eatinghersheybar:

[Apocalipstic]

For me it is important to buck up and deal and take it on the chin like an adult rather that being filled with fury and vindictiveness months after a break up,

Sure be mad a couple of weeks but then agree to be cordial and dont ask your friends to taske sides.

The negativity of prolonged anger is not worth it.

Here is to all of us resolving to treat everyone we once said we loved with respect!

[Chazz]

It was once a principle of mine to stay friends with EXs. Then, I went to 12 Step meetings and got over it.

[Ginger]

I deal with exes on a case-by-case basis.

One ex wanted to be friends with me, but wanted to hide it from her girlfriend. I declined.

Another person wanted to be friends with me, but the things that made it self-destructive for me to stay in a relationship with her, would have still been there in a friendship. My commitment to happiness kept me from going there. Post script: I knew I was over this person when I heard she was dating someone new. Instead of feeling sad, I felt immediate alarm and concern for the new femme. Then after another year or so, I saw this ex at a dance. She forced a Hello and introduction to my friend. Later, I was startled when she suddenly appeared before me to say goodbye. I realized, I had forgotten she was there.

Another person, my "main" ex, someone I was with for ten years, wouldn't be friends with me because her new partner was jealous of me. That really hurt, and still does, though it's now been ten years since we broke up.

Another person was very angry with me when I broke up with her, and then a couple years later, died of breast cancer. That was hard for me, but as long as it was the best thing for her to keep me away, I'm okay with it.

My current partner has three close friends. One is an ex, which I don't mind at all. I like her and trust them both.

I noticed a funny thing back when I was dating. Several times when I started seeing someone, it seemed to trigger their ex's re-interest in them. I used to say, If you want your ex back, date me.

[morningstar55]

some ya can......... some ya can't

[Sachita]

I have not had that many serious relationships, however there is a collection of people I dated where we decided we were better off as friends. If I liked you enough to date you then chances are you're a great friend.

I have two people that were more serious and for whatever reasons we just can't maintain a friendship. I try but the reason for us breaking up looms over and makes it difficult for me to trust them. There is a reason why they are ex's and this is often difficult to get beyond.

[Passionaria]

For me it is important to buck up and deal and take it on the chin like an adult rather that being filled with fury and vindictiveness months after a break up,

Sure be mad a couple of weeks but then agree to be cordial and dont ask your friends to taske sides.

The negativity of prolonged anger is not worth it.

Here is to all of us resolving to treat everyone we once said we loved with respect!

Well I would like to think that I can be friends with all my exes, as Apocalipstic said. In my mind and my heart that feels so beautiful. Definitely the treating people we once loved with respect.

One thing I am finding out about myself is I have no desire to be near people who do not respect my heart, my love, or our love. If someone does disrespect my heart or my love, or really breaks my heart; I won't be disrespectful, but if our paths cross, I would treat them like a stranger. On the other hand, one ex of mine we drive each other absolutely crazy sometimes, but we never denied loving each other, and that's why we are still friends. We respect the love we shared. Plus she taught me how to fight and get over it. LOL what a mess.


I was thinking about a particular person the other day, and what I wanted to tell them was that I gave you my love freely, but you will have to earn my friendship. After really looking at that, I need to make some changes. I will give you my friendship freely, but you will have to earn my love....... Deep breath and back to the drawing board.

:wine: Pashi

[*Anya*]

This is a tough one for me.

My ex-husband and I will never be friends but I never trashed him to my daughters and supported & encouraged their relationship-until he dragged his second wife around by the hair in front of them @ ages 8 and 10. Then I told him, get therapy or you will not see the girls. He chose no therapy. They did make peace with him when they turned 18 as I took them to therapy to deal with the trauma that they witnessed for 6-months. I was pleasant to him and wife #3 @ each of my girls weddings and my oldest's college graduation.

My first GF & I remained friends-no negative feelings.

My 19-year relationship taught me she was not worthy of my heart or my trust and repeatedly broke both. I was a very slow learner with that one. Can't tell you why but I finally "got it" that she is not good for my own mental health. I am not bitter or angry-just much wiser.

Forgiveness? Was almost there until her October 2011 story of terminal brain cancer, one-week to live, that turned out to be a lie. Yes, I am a really slow learner. (No, she is not on the Planet, thank god).

I believe I have finally learned who is worthy of my trust and my love. I am grateful that I have.

[Hollylane]

I find that the behavior of both parties at the time of the initial break, and the behavior shortly after, tends to determine whether a friendship can continue.

I have not had many relationships, I tend to be a long termer, and of the few I have had, I have gleaned two friends for life.

[Ebon]

It depends on what happened between us and how I feel about her. If she's an ass I probably won't talk to her again only because I don't have the patience for bullshit or games anymore. If she's cool then we can be cool.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I've only had two long term relationships in my adult life; the friendship with my first long term girlfriend faded after a few years. My previous long term girlfriend and I are still friends. She's in another country, so we chat by phone and email.

The two girlfriends that I've dated for about 6 months there is no friendship with as the relationships weren't harmonious ones.

[bkisbutchenuff]

some ya can......... some ya can't

enuff said!

[mariamma]

enuff said!

I came here looking for some eloquence. Frankly, enuff said! may be perfect. Now if I can only get him to never speak to me again. I just started talking to my 9 years ago ex without yelling.

[LaneyDoll]

I find that the behavior of both parties at the time of the initial break, and the behavior shortly after, tends to determine whether a friendship can continue.

I have not had many relationships, I tend to be a long termer, and of the few I have had, I have gleaned two friends for life.

Agreed. I have one "ex" who was not really an ex but someone I dated for a while before we realized that we were best as friends only. She and I get along well & I know that if I ever need help, she will do as much as she is able.

With other exes, it is hard to say. Some I still see socially but only because we share a lifestyle and there is really no choice but to cross paths. One is pleasant but maintains a welcome distance. Another I have yet to see but she has RSVP'ed to an event I am working this month; we were never together but it was not for lack of trying on her part. She is still angry though.

I always say that the past is a place you can visit but you should never try to live there.

:sparklyheart:

[Ginger]

I am always learning and forgetting, what I can tolerate and what I can't.

I am thinking of one ex that I loved very much, but realize I couldn't have stayed with. (Of course, it isn't someone on this site, and she probably doesn't even know it exists.)

This particular lover, "C," kept a rifle in the cabin where we stayed upstate on weekends, while her house was being built in the woods. The cabin was next to a pond, and we lit candles at night and played dominoes and talked, and the frogs were so loud by the end of the summer, we could barely hear each other.

We slept on a mattress on the floor, and the rifle stayed in the crevice between the head of the bed, and the cabin wall. Sometimes I would wake with my head butting into it.

Even if someone had appeared at the door to our cabin in the middle of the night, she wouldn’t have been able to use it—she was impossible to wake once she’d taken her “nightie-nights,” a handful of prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds for the PTSD that made her fear her brother was going to find her and kill her; hence the gun.

We took a lot of walks in the woods, and she set up tripods to photograph trees, and then began a series on mushrooms, because I loved them so much. We turned rotting logs over, and found ruby salamanders writhing in the damp ground. She’s the only person I’ve known who loved watching insects as much as I do. She could make dozens of bird songs, and collected abandoned nests, and noticed rocks, filling her bathroom sink in the City with them, water running over them to the drain, which made me a little nervous when I brushed my teeth, though I did love the rocks.

C had alpaca blankets she kept in the cabin, and we would wrap ourselves and sit on the front steps and watch the moon and the pond. We kept going up there, even when we could see our breath, and the leaves were turning orange.

I tried to talk to her about her brother, and whether it really was possible that he would look for her and kill her. Her fear made me afraid. When we broke up, I felt guilty at how relieved I was to have him, even the idea of him, out of my life. And I was glad not to wake with that gun near my head.

But I miss her.

[Ginger]

I am always learning and forgetting, what I can tolerate and what I can't.

I am thinking of one ex that I loved very much, but realize I couldn't have stayed with. (Of course, it isn't someone on this site, and she probably doesn't even know it exists.)

This particular lover, "C," kept a rifle in the cabin where we stayed upstate on weekends, while her house was being built in the woods. The cabin was next to a pond, and we lit candles at night and played dominoes and talked, and the frogs were so loud by the end of the summer, we could barely hear each other.

We slept on a mattress on the floor, and the rifle stayed in the crevice between the head of the bed, and the cabin wall. Sometimes I would wake with my head butting into it.

Even if someone dangerous had appeared at the door to our cabin in the middle of the night, she wouldn’t have been able to use the rifle—she was impossible to wake once she’d taken her “nightie-nights,” a handful of prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds for PTSD; she feared her brother—who had abused her for years—was going to find her and kill her, hence the gun.

We took a lot of walks in the woods, and she set up tripods to photograph trees, and then began a series on mushrooms, because I loved them so much. We turned rotting logs over, and found ruby salamanders writhing in the damp ground. She’s the only person I’ve known who loved watching insects as much as I do. She could make dozens of bird songs, and collected abandoned nests, and noticed rocks, filling her bathroom sink in the City with them, water running over them to the drain, which made me a little nervous when I brushed my teeth, though I did love the rocks.

C had alpaca blankets she kept in the cabin, and we would wrap ourselves and sit on the front steps and watch the moon and the pond. We kept going up there, even when we could see our breath, and the leaves were turning orange.

I tried to talk to her about her brother, and whether it really was possible that he would look for her and kill her. Her fear made me afraid. When we broke up, I felt guilty at how relieved I was to have him, even the idea of him, out of my life. And I was glad not to wake with that gun near my head.

But I miss her.

[thedivahrrrself]

I've always taken the high road in breakups. I give away way too much stuff. I tell everyone it was mutual and amicable, even if it wasn't. I don't force friends to take sides. Custody arrangements are made for dogs, and I don't break my promises there.

Usually this means eventually the ex apologizes for being an asshole. I don't usually find that we can be friends, though generally we keep in touch for a while during the grieving period. The two big breakups moved away, which helped us both in both situations. Maybe the last one and I would be closer friends if she had stayed nearby, but the distance means we just touch base once in a while. We are friendly and polite, but distant. I find she mostly calls to tell me how great her life is, even though I know she's often lying about that. But I don't call her out on it, why bother? If it makes her feel better, then so be it.

I burn bridges, but I burn them nicely.

[ferret]

My ex and I used to be pretty good friends until a couple of weeks ago. Then in two seconds flat, she went and destroyed an almost six-year friendship. I honestly don't know if the damage can be undone, and honestly right now, I don't care. It's not easy to forgive someone who does things based on selfishness.

[skeeter_01]

*The women i mention have never been part of this site, i highly doubt they know that there is such a site*


I've only been in 2 serious relationships, well 3 if you count my first lover. Yeah, I guess she was a real relationship, I met her at work, (hence the rule I live by now...'ya don't shit where ya eat'!!).

I'd never been with a woman before, I'd never even allowed my mind to think about it! But damned if I didn't fall head over heels in love with her. Long story short i told her how I felt and for the next 3 months she "teased" me. It wasn't 'mean' kind of teasing..it was VERY sexual..damn!!

We FINALLY 'got together' and in a week she was gone, she couldn't deal with it. Iwas absolutely crushed. That was 28 years ago, she's been in 2 long term relationships with women and is now married to a man..
It turns out my bff is a very close friend of hers so due to this, we have become very good friends! And now it's MY turn to tease her! LoL!! Just like she did me! IF ya catch my drift! ;)

My next relationship (about 3 years and MANY AA meetings later!) lasted for 7 years. We should have just been friends. I should have never had that kind of relationship with her. She was so loyal and generous! She was so generous that she bought me my first PC. She told me, "there's these things called 'chat rooms' and you can talk with people all over the world! You're gonna LOVE it!!"

She was right. I loved the chat rooms! I eventually found gay.com and I was off and running! I managed to meet someone and had an affair. I ended up leaving my partner for her. I'm so ashamed I did that to her!! I'll NEVER do that again!! I still haven't forgiven myself for that I'm so not sure that I ever will.

From what I understand, she has moved out of state and had twins with her partner. I've heard she is still very venomous when it comes to the subject of me.

I was with the 3rd one ("the affair"), for 14 years. We raised her 2 boys together and then karma raised it's ugly head, she is now with my ex best friend. I really thought we were "till death do us part". We had been married in our church! We were a family!

No, I'm not friends with her. I don't know if i ever will be.

I understand the venom that my second partner had! I feel the same way about the 3rd one and her current partner. I'm having a REAL hard time letting go of the anger I have towards both of them. Thinking about them everyday...being pissed.

Then a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from my mom's, she lives about 45 mins away by highway. The song "American Pie" was on and I had it turned up and was singing along when suddenly, I heard a voice..wait, I'm just gonna cut and paste what I posted about this incident on facebook..

i've been wrestling with a pretty big resentment and as the years go by...i seem to get more and more angry and resentful....today...i was driving south on 23...heading home from my moms...."american pie" by don maclean was on my ipod and i was singing along and suddenly...i had one of those..."God moments"...i actually heard myself reciting this:

...He said, in effect: "If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

seriously WHILE i was singing along with american pie!! where in the world have i heard that particular piece?

this is page 552 in the "Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous"....

so now...i will pray....


So I did what it said, I prayed for them everyday. I asked that they have a loving, long lasting relationship. I haven't forgiven them but, I go 3 or 4 days without thinking about them! I'm begining to feel some peace...

[Ravenouss]

Most of my exes are very close to me. They are "aunties" to my children, good friends to my wife, family to my family, best friends to me. That makes me feel really lucky and blessed.

A couple are gone from my life, and I feel lucky and blessed by that too.

[spritzerJ]

Inserting standard, No Exes Mentioned are Members here, statement...

I've a few exes. I won't rehash them all just the notables.

First ex I am not friends with. We tried at the end but we didn't have much to talk about. Life was pulling us in opposite directions. It was a fast and furious relationship of the uhaul quickly variety. We broke up. She did rehab, I moved away. I learned a lot and hope she did too.

One I am friends with. It took a long time to get to that place. Hurt feelings, strong personalities and all that to work through. She was who I was with when I had the General. I thought she'd be more "parent" like even at the end. It didn't go that way. Which has turned out fine. It has worked out so that the General has someone that still loves her and shares camping and wonderful experiences a couple times a year now. That Ex and I respect each others privacy and our friendship is based on mutual respect for the place they hold in the General's life.

Another I am not friends with. I tried, was just trying. Somethings do not change. (I am NOT saying people don't. I've experienced people that have.) We can't be friends because I can not trust her and the evidence supports that feeling. She showed up recently trying to make amends, show she is sorry, be friends. I think she is really trying. It has been 2 weeks of trying the friend route and I am exhausted and had more drama that I've had in months. She still has much to learn about boundaries and being appropriate. And I am not in the mood to teach that skill. She is obsessive about the General and that is just odd. Given the small span of time she was in the General's life it isn't appropriate. The General isn't comfy, I'm not comfy and my gy is super not comfy. With this one, I let go of the need to make the friends thing work just to see myself as capable of forgiving. I moved on and it is okay.

[Nomad]

i've been wrestling with a pretty big resentment and as the years go by...i seem to get more and more angry and resentful....today...i was driving south on 23...heading home from my moms...."american pie" by don maclean was on my ipod and i was singing along and suddenly...i had one of those..."God moments"...i actually heard myself reciting this:

...He said, in effect: "If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

seriously WHILE i was singing along with american pie!! where in the world have i heard that particular piece?

this is page 552 in the "Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous"....

so now...i will pray....


So I did what it said, I prayed for them everyday. I asked that they have a loving, long lasting relationship. I haven't forgiven them but, I go 3 or 4 days without thinking about them! I'm begining to feel some peace...


thanks for this. it's totally a great lesson. i'm gonna read it every day for a bunch of days.

[Bad_boi]

I make peace by staying away. Sure if I run into an ex I'll say hi but I will do my best not to be friends or be near them.

[stonewalldog]

I make peace by staying away. Sure if I run into an ex I'll say hi but I will do my best not to be friends or be near them.

I agree. That last one tried to gut me. She forgot that I have left everybody I have ever known. And, more importantly, I had the bomb codes. It has been a long time but I still can't think back on that breakup without feeling a snarl come on. Nah...there is no being friends with that two timing bitch!

[Sachita]

I really do try but lately I've been seeing another side to an ex from long ago. Apparently this was there all along and I refused to see it. It's also hard when years later a good friend tells you something you wish you hadn't heard. I am beginning to think that ex's are ex's for a reason.

[Ginger]

Nobody talks about lost friends as "exes," but I think it hurts just as much and sometimes more, to lose a friend than to lose a lover. The awkward negotiating of how to renew a damaged friendship is just as hard as trying to be friends with an ex—once trust is lost, or certain boundaries are crossed, it's sometimes just not worth it, and it's sometimes hard to know if it's worth it.

[Ginger]

Nobody talks about lost friends as "exes," but I think it hurts just as much and sometimes more, to lose a friend than to lose a lover. The awkward negotiating of how to renew a damaged friendship is just as hard as trying to be friends with an ex—once trust is lost, or certain boundaries are crossed, it's sometimes just not worth it, and it's sometimes hard to know if it's worth it.


Kinda nerdy but I'm quoting myself here because I've been thinking about my ex-friends, which loom as large for me in the constellation of my life as ex-lovers.

When I first wrote I was thinking about my friend D from more than ten years ago, a gay guy I was incredibly close with, but my partner was threatened by our friendship, and was sometimes rude to him, for example, when she answered the phone and passed it to me—which was a real break in character for her, because she was, above all else, polite, and very concerned with outward appearance.

Anyway it took years for me to not feel sad about losing that friendship. I wrote him three sad letters over the years, trying to renew the connection, and he ignored them. I saw him once on the subway, and he ignored me. It was so liberating, his zany braininess, the likes of which I have encountered so rarely in my life. That kind of fun is not fun to lose.

I was also thinking about a recent loss of a friend, who came back into my life not long after he left. I'm talking about my elderly friend that I go to readings with, who cut me off because of a misunderstanding generated by his alcoholic daughter. The details don't matter, what matters is that he wrote me a few weeks later and said, "I'm sorry I banished you from life—if that's indeed what I did," and our friendship resumed.

But it doesn't feel the same. I just don't feel the trust anymore. I always knew he was a high-maintenance, difficult little snot, but it never mattered till it was directed at me. Now I realize he could cut off our friendship at any moment, and knowing that has affected how much I can invest in the friendship emotionally. I try to have a good time when we go to readings but I feel a little bit like I'm walking on egg shells.

And I'm thinking of all this because tonight, I'm having dinner with a woman who was my best friend, and moved to L.A with her new husband three years ago. It was so hard for me when she moved. I cried every time I heard her voice on the phone. And it was awkward because it wasn't as hard for her, not at all. She was swamped with people to see, including her family, every time she came back to town, and never had time to see me one-on-one—ouch. But I just went with the flow, and didn't pressure her or make an issue out of it. I figured any kind of connection with her was better than none at all.

And tonight I'm seeing her like I always do, at a big group dinner in the East Village. So I have mixed feelings, but I'll keep them to myself.

I know this thread is supposed to be about exes who were lovers, but for me, friends are just as important in the long run and sometimes, more so, and when they become an "ex," it can be just as significant a transition to negotiate.

[imperfect_cupcake]

what a mire. normally I'm pretty good with staying on friendly terms. I have even tried to stay on friendly terms with my detached wife (divorce impending) but I have now realised I'm nuts for trying to be be friends with her.

I'm also trying to be friends, and actually we are very good friends, with the person I turned to after my wife fucked off and her wife fucked off. Unfortunately, there's always a bit of sexual tension floating around; that's never happened to me before by the way, this is a first. It can confuse me.

My detached wife just sort of pulled the final straw with me. I can't cope with this anymore. I can't cope with trying to pay rent on a two bedroom house by myself and I can't get a lodger because I'm a sex worker (prodomme, just for money, not cause that's my actual role in my relationships) and I don't want a stranger in my house especially when I'm stressed.

I'm tired, I've fallen way behind in school, I haven't done any writting for my book in weeks, I don't believe or trust that anyone would want me for keeps. They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off.

I want to dump school, dump this house, and fuck off. Go home. I'm tired of trying by myself, I'm not a citizen here, I've been here for 9 fucking years busting my ass and I have NO idea why anymore.

If I go home... I'll have lots tons of friends, I'll have failed coming over here, I'll have qwuit school, but jesus at least it will be easier. I won't have a the threat of constantaly maybe not making rent.

I have no credit rating here. My mates all live fuck off away. My wife is a fucking wankrag, I can't get laid except by crazy people. I'm supporting myself by kicking people across the living room. and I don't know why I'm here, aside from school.

[bkisbutchenuff]

Background...(not on the planet and certain she will never be) my first ex - we were each others first and stayed together for 11 yrs. Both teachers. Around yr. 10 she decides shes NOT gay and has an affair with her Principal (a married man). Now, as you can imagine...I was devastated and we broke up...but again both being teachers in the same field, throughout the yrs., we've been forced into mutual professional situations. It took me about 10 yrs. to see past the hurt and pain. The last few years, we've been able to talk and attend functions together with ease. I've always respected her professionaly...
Speed forward to now...I get a call the other day from her. She asks if I want to visit a couple from our college days -they have now been married for about 20yrs. and have 4 kids. The husband is playing a gig who is a very talented musician. Without much thought, I said yes.
So, last night, here I am, sitting with my ex, his wife, at a drag racing strip in the middle of no where, listening to him play...kind of a waste of talent on his behalf, but nonetheless - doing what he has to do to support his family.
We laughed so much...reminicisning about college and the crazy times we had....
On the way home, about a two hour ride, we touched on the past...all that has occurred - but no doubt - we are on the same page...good friends who have each others backs...no turning back...
So...I guess it is possible in some situations....

[Ginger]

Background...(not on the planet and certain she will never be) my first ex - we were each others first and stayed together for 11 yrs. Both teachers. Around yr. 10 she decides shes NOT gay and has an affair with her Principal (a married man). Now, as you can imagine...I was devastated and we broke up...but again both being teachers in the same field, throughout the yrs., we've been forced into mutual professional situations. It took me about 10 yrs. to see past the hurt and pain. The last few years, we've been able to talk and attend functions together with ease. I've always respected her professionaly...
Speed forward to now...I get a call the other day from her. She asks if I want to visit a couple from our college days -they have now been married for about 20yrs. and have 4 kids. The husband is playing a gig who is a very talented musician. Without much thought, I said yes.
So, last night, here I am, sitting with my ex, his wife, at a drag racing strip in the middle of no where, listening to him play...kind of a waste of talent on his behalf, but nonetheless - doing what he has to do to support his family.
We laughed so much...reminicisning about college and the crazy times we had....
On the way home, about a two hour ride, we touched on the past...all that has occurred - but no doubt - we are on the same page...good friends who have each others backs...no turning back...
So...I guess it is possible in some situations....


BK, I was reading this, totally on the edge of my seat, not knowing which way it would go, and what a nice surprise, that it went the way it did.

[Ginger]

what a mire. normally I'm pretty good with staying on friendly terms. I have even tried to stay on friendly terms with my detached wife (divorce impending) but I have now realised I'm nuts for trying to be be friends with her.

I'm also trying to be friends, and actually we are very good friends, with the person I turned to after my wife fucked off and her wife fucked off. Unfortunately, there's always a bit of sexual tension floating around; that's never happened to me before by the way, this is a first. It can confuse me.

My detached wife just sort of pulled the final straw with me. I can't cope with this anymore. I can't cope with trying to pay rent on a two bedroom house by myself and I can't get a lodger because I'm a sex worker (prodomme, just for money, not cause that's my actual role in my relationships) and I don't want a stranger in my house especially when I'm stressed.

I'm tired, I've fallen way behind in school, I haven't done any writting for my book in weeks, I don't believe or trust that anyone would want me for keeps. They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off.

I want to dump school, dump this house, and fuck off. Go home. I'm tired of trying by myself, I'm not a citizen here, I've been here for 9 fucking years busting my ass and I have NO idea why anymore.

If I go home... I'll have lots tons of friends, I'll have failed coming over here, I'll have qwuit school, but jesus at least it will be easier. I won't have a the threat of constantaly maybe not making rent.

I have no credit rating here. My mates all live fuck off away. My wife is a fucking wankrag, I can't get laid except by crazy people. I'm supporting myself by kicking people across the living room. and I don't know why I'm here, aside from school.



HB, you wrote, "They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off."

Ow, that hit home. I try to start as the "real person" but it just doesn't always happen that way. The way I see it, anyone who doesn't see the "real person" in you from the get-go is maybe blinded by something that doesn't have anything to do with you. But it disqualifies them from your attention, don't you think? Their loss, not yours.

I also know what it's like to feel like a failure. I always feel that way when a relationship ends, whether ending was something I wanted or not. And I've felt that way at times, around my work. But I don't hear a failure, in your words.

Not much to say here really, just admire how straight-on you see things, and how much I appreciate that you put it out there.

[bkisbutchenuff]

BK, I was reading this, totally on the edge of my seat, not knowing which way it would go, and what a nice surprise, that it went the way it did.
Thanks IslandScout...Its taken a long time to get to this point...but its good...not possible with all exes...but after spending 11 yrs. with someone...kind of hard to shut that door like nothing ever happened...we shared a lot over those years...I'm glad we can revisit, I can still make her laugh and share current stories...

[Scuba]

Ex-lovers, partners, friends are a funny thing in my life. Some partings have been painful but amicable and others have been quite painful and not amicable at all. I guess, for me, the ends are directly related to the amount of love, closeness and time I spent with a person. Although I don’t have contact with all of my exes, I do keep in touch with the ones who are capable of doing so. There’s really only a few. There are only two ex-partners that I have lost touch with. I love/d them both deeply and find myself in a melancholy “miss” occasionally when I think of them. Despite everything, I have a place in my heart for them both. Stories for another day…

The first woman I dated was of course, going to be the biggest loss of my life after we parted ways; or at least I thought so at the time and for many years after. It had to be. First loves are just like that. When we came together, I knew that I had emotionally “come home”. For the first time I felt authentic with another person. When we did part ways I found it far too difficult to keep in touch. We didn’t speak for a few years and for the life of me, I can’t even remember how we managed to reunite in friendship. It doesn’t much matter really. We spoke often for 3 or 4 years. I went to Florida to visit a few times. I think we both still very much loved each other we just didn’t quite know how to make it work. She wasn’t quite sure if she was gay, straight or bisexual. This certainly didn’t work in either of our favors. We ended up having another disagreement and that was it for, oh, another 10 years. I had always felt bad about that falling out and one day, while surfing the web for a vendor and a product I needed for work, I stumbled across her name. The great debate went off in my head and I stewed on whether or not to contact her. All said and done I eventually did. Her email address was on the web page and so I wrote her a long letter. It’s been a couple of years since I hit the send button and I am happy to say we are once again in touch and staying in touch. She has changed and so have I. It’s been great having that connection with her. Outside of my immediate family, she is really the only link to that time in my past. The only other person that knew me as well from that time in my life passed away back in 1995. I take great comfort in knowing that she knew me so well and now knows me today. I can honestly say that I still very much love her. Maybe that love has changed over the years but it obviously it still exists or we would still be a distant memory in each other’s mind. She comes out to Washington occasionally as she has family here. I have extended the invite. I’ll let her decide if that’s something she wants to do or not. I’m quite alright with our occasional online conversations if that’s what works best.

It’s amazing what time and space can do for people and their pain. I guess I just needed to understand that there is a direct correlation between our ability to love deeply and the amount of pain we suffer when love changes. Love and suffering are not opposites. They are indeed partners in life as well; a reminder to us that we can love again…deeply.
Thanks for letting me bend your “eyes” for a while!

Scoobs

[KayCee]

Once it's over, it's over. I never pick back up the past.

[bkisbutchenuff]

Once it's over, it's over. I never pick back up the past.


Wit most...that is best...but there can be exceptions...

[Scuba]

Once it's over, it's over. I never pick back up the past.

I agree. What's done is done. People in my life have changed over time and in a good way though so I guess in a few cases things have worked themselves into friendship. For us that has happened naturally with nothing being "forced". Outside of that, I've not once romanticized any relationship enough to want to rekindle the dead flame.

[Nomad]

what a mire. normally I'm pretty good with staying on friendly terms. I have even tried to stay on friendly terms with my detached wife (divorce impending) but I have now realised I'm nuts for trying to be be friends with her.

I'm also trying to be friends, and actually we are very good friends, with the person I turned to after my wife fucked off and her wife fucked off. Unfortunately, there's always a bit of sexual tension floating around; that's never happened to me before by the way, this is a first. It can confuse me.

My detached wife just sort of pulled the final straw with me. I can't cope with this anymore. I can't cope with trying to pay rent on a two bedroom house by myself and I can't get a lodger because I'm a sex worker (prodomme, just for money, not cause that's my actual role in my relationships) and I don't want a stranger in my house especially when I'm stressed.

I'm tired, I've fallen way behind in school, I haven't done any writting for my book in weeks, I don't believe or trust that anyone would want me for keeps. They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off.

I want to dump school, dump this house, and fuck off. Go home. I'm tired of trying by myself, I'm not a citizen here, I've been here for 9 fucking years busting my ass and I have NO idea why anymore.

If I go home... I'll have lots tons of friends, I'll have failed coming over here, I'll have qwuit school, but jesus at least it will be easier. I won't have a the threat of constantaly maybe not making rent.

I have no credit rating here. My mates all live fuck off away. My wife is a fucking wankrag, I can't get laid except by crazy people. I'm supporting myself by kicking people across the living room. and I don't know why I'm here, aside from school.

HB, you wrote, "They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off."

Ow, that hit home. I try to start as the "real person" but it just doesn't always happen that way. The way I see it, anyone who doesn't see the "real person" in you from the get-go is maybe blinded by something that doesn't have anything to do with you. But it disqualifies them from your attention, don't you think? Their loss, not yours.

I also know what it's like to feel like a failure. I always feel that way when a relationship ends, whether ending was something I wanted or not. And I've felt that way at times, around my work. But I don't hear a failure, in your words.

Not much to say here really, just admire how straight-on you see things, and how much I appreciate that you put it out there.

applause

ditto

HB you rock the entirety of my world

you too Scout

serious applause

[Soft*Silver]

In all seriousness, I have remained friends with most of my exes except for the psychopath and the one who still silently stalks me. Both have been years ago and as the years pass they will only remain bad memories. I have no desire to have a friendship with them. The former is crazy. Seriously, diagnosed, unmedicated crazy. Everyone needs to stay away. The latter I wish well to, but the incredible hurt he caused me, made everything after him, negatively defined by that breakup. Until of late, that is. Enough therapy and AA meetings will cure everything...

For all the others in my life, we share Christmas cards, emails, random visits, etc. My ex husband and I were at my daughter's wedding and we hugged and shared a table. Now that I never could have foreseen but time is an amazing thing. It helps us all get over it and grow up. Maturity seems to be the biggest problem in endings. There are many places we need to mature and even at 55, I am still working on the places I missed...

[StrongButch]

Never blame another for your actions then there will be peace.

[Vivacious1]

I have always had the opinion that you should live with no regrets. For each person that I have spent time with I have learned something from. That goes double for my exes. There is a reason I was with them and I don't regret any of the experiences. Granted, with a couple of them, it took time for me to come to a place of peace within myself about what went wrong. I try to always be friends with an ex. Sometimes, it just cannot happen. The way I see it is, you loved them for a reason. That doesn't just go away, it may change but is still there. I find it to be rather sad when a couple split and they are so bitter that all they do is harm each other. For what? If you live your life looking for reasons to be greatful for someone or something instead of a reason to be angry you will be much more at peace with yourself.

[bkisbutchenuff]

When its possible...its awesome! Definitely a sign of being mature and that you had something real to begin with! I do support my exes and their continued happiness....

[Fatale]

I so like the idea of this thread. Just the other night I had a great, hour long conversation with an ex with whom I'd gone through a brutal break up. Grotesque, really, is the word that comes to mind when I think about how things went down. Her behavior was deplorable and mind certainly wasn't above reproach either. Far from it. I apparently elected to say to hell with dignity and acted the ass. Now, now I can laugh about it. 5 years ago, I would have never imagined speaking with her again, or that even thinking about that time in my life would feel any better than a bad toothache.

Not so long ago I had an epiphany about forgiveness. I had it in a moment when I was thinking about someone, "She doesn't deserve my forgiveness!". For some reason I had a flash of insight that while the she in question might not deserve it, I did. I do. I deserve to allow myself to let go. To breathe it out and just let it fucking go. It's not easy. It can be incredibly difficult, and I can be incredibly stubborn. I'm not really one to hold a grudge, but I will definitely mull things over for a long time.

I am now trying to embrace the lightness of spirit that comes with forgiveness. It feels good.

[Abigail Crabby]

I've come to that stage in my life where I have no regrets and can be friends with anyone I was once involved with.

I mean I loved them once - what is the purpose of hating them now......

Just my lil opinion.......

[Ciaran]

Making peace with exes is, for me, something that's sometimes easier in theory than in practice. I can hold grudges and have enough baggage that even Southwest would charge me luggage fees.


Generally, however, I've retained a level of friendships with exes. Sometimes, though, not until years after we broke up. I am now back on good, very friendly terms with my first long-term girlfriend whom I dated in my late teens although, despite for most of the intervening years living in the same city and having shared friends, we didn't talk at all for a decade or so. Making up has been very good.


I've a few other exes where we retain some interaction but there's often an underlying friction or the potential for friction which makes me uncomfortable. Generally, in these instances, esp. as I've genuinely lost any attraction I ever had for them, any contact is reactive only.


My most recent partner who lives in San Diego and some on here know. Well, we're fortunate in that, despite some two-way hurt, we have been able to recover from that and remain very close. We'll never get back together but I've "got her back" and, in my view, sometimes that's more important than romantic love. We still see each other regularly - I'm staying with her for a week or so later this month and she's coming over to Ireland at Christmas to spend time with my family (and, together with my parents, gang up and tease me relentlessly). That's a good result.


One or two exes didn't work out so well, including a lady I loved very much who committed suicide not that long after we broke up. I don't think I was to "blame" but I'm sure that I didn't help and, well, it didn't really allow for closure. However, as is life, sometimes we need to live through it and come out the other end as best we can.

[tazz]

at times, it is hard for me to maintain a friendship those i have been involved with.
why?
many partners/dates i had, i allowed them to ignore me, flirt with other ppl in front of me as i result i feel inadequate around them, allow them to two-time me, scold me instead of talking with me.
why did i allow this to happen?
my self-esteem, my self-worth... at times i felt desperate... and i OWN this.

the other times, when i was very aware of myself and who i am dating, i often found them either disappearing or afraid of committing.


with time i have come to be so independent, working very hard on ME, staying realistic...i know i'll find my Honest Love... i know she is out there :)

[Fatale]

I've been thinking about this a bit since my last post.

With a couple of my exes, regardless of how things ended and the fact that I might have wanted them off the planet or at least shut away in some distant gulag so I never have to see them again, there is still that evidently irrefutable sexual attraction thing that makes me weak in the knees should we actually find ourselves face to face. I've succumbed to it a time or three, I confess. I'm no angel. It fascinates me that I can be so aroused by someone I wish would simply vanish in a puff smoke before my eyes. Maybe that's it, huh? Maybe it's about the fact that I know I absolutely will not allow them in my life in any other capacity and that I won't ever have to again deal with their bullshit. Maybe it's just the old passion is passion thing, regardless of the flavor of it. It's sort of the ultimate no-strings attached assignation, and that absolutely works for me. I certainly can't call it "making peace" but it's definitely making something.