Lifestyle Power Exchange Relationships

[oblivia]

Hi all! :)

By "lifestyle power-exchange", I mean immersive relationships involving a defined and agreed-upon power-exchange that are essentially 24/7 in intent (regardless of what this looks like to you, personally).

My aim is for a neutral place for processing, discussion, sharing, commiserating, debating if appropriate, and bonding. What I mean by neutral - is a thread not about one person's situation. I hope that makes sense.

Some ideas for possible discussion points to get us started below and I'm open to starting anywhere. Pick one, several, all of them, or start your own conversation.


What type of lifestyle power exchange relationship are you in? (D/s, M/s, D/g, M/b, D/b, etc)


What does your 24/7 look like to you? How does it interplay with the more 'mundane' or 'vanilla' areas of your life (families of origin, non-kink friends, jobs, responsibilities outside your relationship, parenting)


What does this dynamic DO for you, personally? More simply, "what do you get out of it?".


What challenges does this dynamic present in your life?


What role does protocol play, if any, in how you live your lifestyle within the construct of your relationship?


What day to day rituals or rules have you found helpful in keeping the energy of the power-exchange itself maintained throughout the day to day?


How does your lifestyle interplay with your spirituality or personal growth?


What psychological roadblocks have you encountered? Overcome? Not overcome? Why do you think that is?


How do you define "service" in your lifestyle relationship? Does it play a role at all? If so, how?


How do you deal with expectations? Either your own or your partner's? Are expectations in a lifestyle relationship as it looks to you personally helpful or harmful?


How do you navigate growth and learning, if you do? Do you have a discipline and/or positive reinforcement/reward system? What does this look like in your relationship? What has worked? What hasn't worked? Why?


Okay, those are all the topics I can think of for now. Where should we begin?

:waitinggirl:

[Converse]

Hello oblivia- a fellow Vancouverian (well it sounds as though it should be a word)

I’m a Top Dom Stone Butch Daddy, and have over the years been involved in varying degrees in BDSM’centric communities- (In the 1970’s I was that baby-butch that was adopted by the leather boys who began the long process of helping me earn my dungeon rights).

For me, I had always found difficulty fully integrating what I had always perceived as my playtime with my everyday. I had always maintained my leather friends, and would “date” from within that community, while at the same time engage, and of course “date”, within a predominantly vanilla world that had evolved around my career.
Within the vanilla context any s/m activity was always kept to a minimum, though my intrinsic nature to Top remained as did my Stone i.d.

The difficulty that I faced for many years was that while I had a great love for much of what is now often referred to as the Old Guard, there were however a number of issues and personal beliefs that kept me from fully embracing the lifestyle, so I was faced with a mainstream community where I always felt a disappointment because of lack of protocols, submissives who were perhaps by nature but not by training, and masochists who without context, seemed almost hedonistic in their single pursuit.

For me, a lifestyle power exchange could not be prescribed- I had to wait until I met the right person- the compliment to everything not only that I was, but what I needed and wanted. It could not be about compromises- either hers or mine, it could not be about making something fit- it had to be as natural and as instinctive as a kitten leaping to chase the moving object. As a Dominant the question of -am I somehow forcing her, is she abiding because she doesn’t know how to refuse, is this her choice or simply my will- is something that I have always battled with. Knowing without a doubt that she gives everything because it is her want, and that she submits because of her strength not because of any weakness needs to be my foundation.

With that foundation- almost all areas of conflict evaporate, even the often discussed difficulties of being both Daddy and Dom. I am very much in love with the most amazing woman- smart, beautiful, funny, compassionate, sexy… she is a high femme, submissive and my babygirl. We are legally married and monogamous. Living in a busy house with teenagers doesn’t always make it easy, but we do not change how we interact, our expectations of each other nor “how things are done” regardless of our company. The dynamics that we share are not only important, they are who we are- if they have to be hidden, kept separate, over time their worth diminishes.

[oblivia]

First of all, wow, where to begin and thank you so much for sharing. The fact that you are in Vancouver made me very happy!!! It has been difficult for Sparx and I to meet like minded folk here who are not necessarily entrenched in the kink community. That's difficult to explain but we're lifestyle folk and while there was a time in my life when my lifestyle was expressed at regular dungeon parties and socializing at munches and with leatherfolk, things are a bit more 'personal' now. Not that I feel a need to keep it all private now, just that in a monogomous and commited 24/7 D/s lifestyle, the public play seems less important to me.

That said, almost everything you wrote resonated with me and it sounds like your relationship and mine with Sparx are very similar.

For me, I had always found difficulty fully integrating what I had always perceived as my playtime with my everyday. I had always maintained my leather friends, and would “date” from within that community, while at the same time engage, and of course “date”, within a predominantly vanilla world that had evolved around my career.
Within the vanilla context any s/m activity was always kept to a minimum, though my intrinsic nature to Top remained as did my Stone i.d.

I had this same difficulty for years. I had my vanilla relationship sort of world, and my kink world was separate. I tried polyamoury as a solution to this, because it seemed to make sense at the time. I had a vanilla romantic partner, and then kinky lovers (all with everyone's knowledge and consent of course). But, something always felt wrong about that to me. Incomplete. Forced.

I was a slave to a Master once, and what I noticed was how compartmentalized my life became. I was supposed to be his slave all the time, but I only felt his slave on weekends and when we were able to keep in touch. He had say over my world, but not really over areas pertaining to my primary romantic relationship. And then one day he referred to himself as my boyfriend - and I thought... no... that's not right. I don't love You like that. And that gave me pause and food for thought as I realized that I was just parsing myself out - sharing pieces with people and not whole at all. I was also pretty unhappy with both my relationships as a result. Neither was what I wanted or needed in a partner, yet each satisfied a portion of 'need' I felt.

For me, a lifestyle power exchange could not be prescribed- I had to wait until I met the right person- the compliment to everything not only that I was, but what I needed and wanted. It could not be about compromises- either hers or mine, it could not be about making something fit- it had to be as natural and as instinctive as a kitten leaping to chase the moving object.

YES! This!!! It wasn't until ten years after I first discovered BDSM and after many attempts at M/s and D/s relationships with lovers that I met the person where it felt like that - not like compromise, not like negotiating, not like finding out how to MAKE it work. It was then that I met Sparx and found myself feeling the "complete package" with someone. The Yang to my Yin. The Butch to my femme. The Top to my bottom. The Dominant to my submissive...... it just.... worked. And it flowed naturally from the very first day and continues to evolve naturally today. Sparx didn't have a background like mine. I grew up with Kink, having discovered it at just shy of 18 years old and diving in headfirst (to the learning/observing anyway). I was Her first experience with really formally exploring the power-exchange dynamic in direct and obvious and intentional ways. Yet it was natural for Her with me from the very beginning. And finally, I felt like I wasn't sharing just a part of me, but all of me and that was all part of the deal. And vice versa....

As a Dominant the question of -am I somehow forcing her, is she abiding because she doesn’t know how to refuse, is this her choice or simply my will- is something that I have always battled with. Knowing without a doubt that she gives everything because it is her want, and that she submits because of her strength not because of any weakness needs to be my foundation.

At risk of sounding repetitive, I loved this, too because it was something that was so important to my Syr as well. I was fresh out of codependentville when we met. I was already doing things on my own to overcome my past by then and much stronger than I'd ever been - but I still had a long road to walk in that regard and so Sparx was cautious. Much of what our D/s consisted of for the first year were in depth personal writing assignments and exercises designed to ensure I was using my voice. I still remember the first time we met and later played together, and how She made me go and write down five things I thought She could have done better or differently. I remember being really shocked. Every dominant I'd dated or been involved with before that was all about the ego boosts - and sure, She loves a good ego boost, but She wants to know I can also speak up when it's important too. She said over and over again that She needed to know that She could trust - without the shadow of a doubt - my own ability to stand up for myself. This is what gave Her the freedom to explore with me.

With that foundation- almost all areas of conflict evaporate, even the often discussed difficulties of being both Daddy and Dom.

Sparx and I began as Dominant and submissive. We moved into a deeper connection to Owner and slave and married one another. We had elements of Daddy/girl in our dynamic from the very beginning, but it didn't become a more formal part of our relationship until around two years ago. Now, the Daddy/girl and Owner/slave dynamics interplay, intermingle and have their place in our relationship. It can be challenging at times to balance the two and confusing to explain sometimes because they each have a very special and unique feel. Yet somehow I know when I should be calling Her Daddy and when I should be calling Her Syr. We feel the energy differences and move and shift within them.

I am very much in love with the most amazing woman- smart, beautiful, funny, compassionate, sexy… she is a high femme, submissive and my babygirl. We are legally married and monogamous. Living in a busy house with teenagers doesn’t always make it easy, but we do not change how we interact, our expectations of each other nor “how things are done” regardless of our company. The dynamics that we share are not only important, they are who we are- if they have to be hidden, kept separate, over time their worth diminishes

I hope you'll stick around in this thread. It sounds like we share VERY similar relationship dynamics. Syr and I are married and very deeply in love with one another. We are monogomous and also live in a house with teenagers, which has presented us with unique challenges with regard to positive reinforcement and discipline and even spankings (good old OTK spankings are noisy darnit). Our lifestyle is lived in the day to day but - as you described - this doesn't mean that our power exchange is not present at all times. It is sometimes more subtle than other times but it is always there. In a way, learning as we go along how to incorporate it more and more deeply in spite of a lack of privacy has been a very bonding experience.

[Converse]

At risk of sounding repetitive, I loved this, too because it was something that was so important to my Syr as well. I was fresh out of codependentville when we met. I was already doing things on my own to overcome my past by then and much stronger than I'd ever been - but I still had a long road to walk in that regard and so Sparx was cautious. Much of what our D/s consisted of for the first year were in depth personal writing assignments and exercises designed to ensure I was using my voice. I still remember the first time we met and later played together, and how She made me go and write down five things I thought She could have done better or differently. I remember being really shocked. Every dominant I'd dated or been involved with before that was all about the ego boosts - and sure, She loves a good ego boost, but She wants to know I can also speak up when it's important too. She said over and over again that She needed to know that She could trust - without the shadow of a doubt - my own ability to stand up for myself. This is what gave Her the freedom to explore with me.


Thank you for your response. Yes it does seem that we all have much in common. I’m married to tiggs- please keep an eye out for her in the threads and say hi.

I liked very much your comments about how Sparx (my apologies if this isn’t the preferred form of address) dealt with the history of co-dependency, and ensuring that your dynamic was established with some healthy foundations.

While I think that it is great that kink and its varying forms seem to have become more acceptable and accessible- probably with the advent of the internet, I do however get concerned about the “CyberMasters”. Though mentoring, training and apprenticeships are perhaps not for everyone- the other extreme, where someone has no real-time experience or refuses to admit to a lack of experience can lead to some very painful outcomes.

We often see so much written about what makes a good sub, slave, girl, boi etc I sometimes wish equal space was dedicated to the counterpart. They use to say “with authority comes responsibility”. The majority of those I know I have the greatest respect for, as responsibility is a given- but every now and then I will witness a cyber master, dom, daddy appear from no where and I wonder…


Yes I will keep an eye on this thread; I look forward to hearing of others experience.

[oblivia]

Thank you for your response. Yes it does seem that we all have much in common. I’m married to tiggs- please keep an eye out for her in the threads and say hi.

I liked very much your comments about how Sparx (my apologies if this isn’t the preferred form of address) dealt with the history of co-dependency, and ensuring that your dynamic was established with some healthy foundations.

While I think that it is great that kink and its varying forms seem to have become more acceptable and accessible- probably with the advent of the internet, I do however get concerned about the “CyberMasters”. Though mentoring, training and apprenticeships are perhaps not for everyone- the other extreme, where someone has no real-time experience or refuses to admit to a lack of experience can lead to some very painful outcomes.

We often see so much written about what makes a good sub, slave, girl, boi etc I sometimes wish equal space was dedicated to the counterpart. They use to say “with authority comes responsibility”. The majority of those I know I have the greatest respect for, as responsibility is a given- but every now and then I will witness a cyber master, dom, daddy appear from no where and I wonder…


Yes I will keep an eye on this thread; I look forward to hearing of others experience.

I've bumped into tiggs in another thread already! :) :)

I agree about the posturing that happens in the D/s community and I feel it happens on both sides of the equation for sure. There are just as many little letter types who think they know themselves well enough to give away all their power (before they're actually ready or have had the opportunity to really know they're in good hands) as there are capital letter types who think they know what responsibility is really involved with taking someone into your care (either as a Daddy/Mommy type or as a Master/Dominant/Domme/Mistress type).

I don't know much about Old Guard, but the few people I have known with a history of having earned their leathers have been people that I have found worthy of respect in many areas, regardless of their leather history - so I can't help but wonder if the lessons they learned and the paths they walked in their leather journey helped shape them into the people they later became. I don't think that the same resources exist today that did then and even those resources that do exist to teach about Old Guard leather don't seem to be consistent nor reliable (how do you know who is really trustworthy as a source of information these days with info on everything splashed all over the internet, for example).

The reason that I was able to trust Sparx so easily and naturally from the beginning is that I KNOW that She has no trouble at all admitting when She doesn't know something or asking for advice from someone who does. I had been taught how to do needles, for example, and had them done on me a few times and was confident to try this type of play with my Owner, but She waited until She could watch a very very experienced person do them, ask a lot of questions, and then get someone to literally sit with Her and help Her the first time She did it with me. She knew that I couldn't teach Her while doing it to myself or helping Her do it to me because of what it would do to my headspace. This means that sometimes we don't play with certain things, and sometimes I have to wait a long time for the opportunity for things to happen when the time is right and when my Owner feels confident enough to do those things safely (emotional or physical things).

I've been Hers for four years now, and it is only this year that She has introduced corporal punishment into our dynamic. Punishment has played a part here and there in the past but not to this degree and the lines often got blurred between "play" and punishment. Today, She has several implements reserved for punishment and there is no warmup and it is a TRUE punishment, not something I enjoy - though I am very very very grateful for it and what it does for me on an emotional, psychological, and personal level is absolutely marvelous. That was something that had to evolve in its own time as Sparx got more and more comfortable with knowing what was effective and healthy for me AND more comfortable with Her own ability to discern when would be appropriate to implement a physical punishment and when wouldn't be based on where Her own head is at. It also helped that a friend of Hers helped Her discover the first punishment implement (that is virtually noiseless when it hits... and hurts.... like.... crazy). Privacy issues have been big roadblocks for us when it comes to physical play so navigating those logistics is a part of our evolution.

My, my, I'm babbling...

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that in my opinion, what makes a good capital letter partner (or little letter partner!) is the ability to know YOURSELF as well as you can and to continue to learn about yourself, and check yourself, and check yourself with those who know you best.... and seek out information when you don't have it and, mostly, be willing to admit when you're not ready to do something - whatever it is.

[oblivia]

*bump* Cuz well... I thought it was a darn good thread and I'm not ready to see it die yet. :)

Reminder of possible talking points...


What type of lifestyle power exchange relationship are you in? (D/s, M/s, D/g, M/b, D/b, etc)

What does your 24/7 look like to you? How does it interplay with the more 'mundane' or 'vanilla' areas of your life (families of origin, non-kink friends, jobs, responsibilities outside your relationship, parenting)

What does this dynamic DO for you, personally? More simply, "what do you get out of it?".

What challenges does this dynamic present in your life?

What role does protocol play, if any, in how you live your lifestyle within the construct of your relationship?

What day to day rituals or rules have you found helpful in keeping the energy of the power-exchange itself maintained throughout the day to day?

How does your lifestyle interplay with your spirituality or personal growth?

What psychological roadblocks have you encountered? Overcome? Not overcome? Why do you think that is?

How do you define "service" in your lifestyle relationship? Does it play a role at all? If so, how?

How do you deal with expectations? Either your own or your partner's? Are expectations in a lifestyle relationship as it looks to you personally helpful or harmful?

How do you navigate growth and learning, if you do? Do you have a discipline and/or positive reinforcement/reward system? What does this look like in your relationship? What has worked? What hasn't worked? Why?

[oblivia]

I've found that one of the hardest things about being in a 24/7 relationship is the difficult emotional stuff. We are each holding each other to a particular standard when it comes to communication and commitment to being our best.

My Owner had to have a difficult conversation with me today around one of my bad habits that She needs me to break, permanently, not only because it's unhealthy for me but because it's triggery for Her. This is, therefore, both a very serious relationship concern AND a D/s concern. There is a rule that I need to be obeying.

First of all, I just have to say, never underestimate the power of a stern lecture. :|

But seriously, sometimes being called on your stuff is hard. It's hard for both sides of power-exchange relationship. While I think all relationships would benefit from this depth of conversation and honesty with one another, power-exchange relationships require it in order to maintain a healthy balance between desires and functionality and true emotional/psychological health of both parties involved. The bottomy type person in the relationship needs to be able to speak up if the Toppy type person is doing something they are finding damaging/harmful (if the Toppy person doesn't know). The bottomy person has to be able to be clear about necessary boundaries, triggers, and emotional/psychological landmines that might need to be navigated around. The Toppy type person in the relationship has a responsibility toward making sure that they are not overstepping healthy lines, that they are keeping an eye out for the greater good of the bottom as well as the relationship, and that they are being vocal about what THEY need to feel safe/nurtured, etc as well. There are a zillion other communication needs as well... these are just some examples.

So, in this case, with a bad habit of mine the topic of conversation, some big stuff had to be discussed involving my Owner's personal background/triggers around it as well as my desire for help breaking the habit in the form of requested punishment. My Owner needed to know that I was as fully understanding of how this issue felt to Her emotionally and as fully committed to breaking the habit as I was desiring Her help with it. In other words, She needed to know that I wasn't just putting the responsibility on Her to 'fix it', which in a way I sort of was, but out of thoughtlessness/carelessness not ill intent.

But I find that conversations like this are tough. It's tough to hear that something you're doing feels harmful to your partner and it's tough to be held accountable and to be given responsibility and ownership over something and explained the consequences (both from a punishment perspective and a RELATIONSHIP perspective) if you can not fulfill your responsibilities.

In this way, I suppose, I feel far far more vulnerable in a power-exchange relationship than I ever did in former non-power-exchange relationships.

Have any of you grappled with things like this? How do you feel about the ways that communication feels "different" (either in a more challenging or less challenging way) from non-lifestyle relationships?

:thinking: