A friend of Dorothys- how important is community?

[Converse]

I often see when reading the threads, comments from people who say that they are living in a place that has no community. And these comments often include expressions of feeling isolated. And it made me wonder- just how important is having r/t community?

I know for me it has been extremely important, to the extent, that from early teenage years I left home and family in the pursuit of being in a place where, as a Butch, I would be surrounded by the familiar.

All through my adult life it has been the over-riding factor when deciding where to settle, and even when considering job offers/opportunities, access to community was always the final determiner.

But I wonder does that “need” change over time, as we mature, as our priorities change? I know for me it did. When I had to make a decision to leave being in the midst of large and active Butch-Femme Community to be with the woman I loved, I worried about leaving what I had known since those early teenage years.

But I shouldn’t have worried- I don’t hanker to be surrounded/submerged by the community as I once did. I feel comfortable and confident enough with who I am without having to be somewhere that is familiar, or in a place where str8 is the anomaly. In fact I’m quiet enjoying not blending in anymore.

Have others gone through this- changed geography, what impact has being with/without r/t community had on you? Are there certain times in our lives when it’s more important than others? Is it important, if so, why?

[princessbelle]

Very interesting Converse....

I would actually say that my situation is just the opposite. Being born and raised in the deep south, I have known only bias, homophobia, predjudice, and shame on the note of being accepted here for being gay. I have had to hide my entire life.

The older I get the more I want to be a part of a community that doesn't look at me as a freak. I lived for a short time last summer in New Mexico. Talk about a culture shock, and in a good way. No one gave a crap that I was gay and people there didn't get all "bug eyed" when I walked into a restaurant with my partner. I yearn for that freedom and peace.

I live here because my family is here....simple truth. But, I won't forever and I can't wait until I can actually be part of a open community where I am no longer an outsider and freak. This site helps, online helps. But, isolated? you betcha....and I hate it.

Someday though, maybe someday.....things will be different.

[Apocalipstic]

My priorities have definitely changed in this regard, but I have always lived places with queer communities even though I also live in Tennessee.

Now that I have queer RT friends all over and I have a partner, I seldom participate in the general "Gay and Lesbian" community events in my city. I used to be at the bar 65 nights a week, now I am a homebody. :)

[Converse]

Very interesting Converse....

I would actually say that my situation is just the opposite. Being born and raised in the deep south, I have known only bias, homophobia, predjudice, and shame on the note of being accepted here for being gay. I have had to hide my entire life.

The older I get the more I want to be a part of a community that doesn't look at me as a freak. I lived for a short time last summer in New Mexico. Talk about a culture shock, and in a good way. No one gave a crap that I was gay and people there didn't get all "bug eyed" when I walked into a restaurant with my partner. I yearn for that freedom and peace.

I live here because my family is here....simple truth. But, I won't forever and I can't wait until I can actually be part of a open community where I am no longer an outsider and freak. This site helps, online helps. But, isolated? you betcha....and I hate it.

Someday though, maybe someday.....things will be different.

princessbelle- I hear what you are saying. I have never lived anywhere that was blatantly homophobic- I have traveled through (and I must say much quicker than was originally planned) places where I have felt unsafe simply by the way I looked. I don’t think I could do it for any length of time and still be able to retain any form of sanity. Where do you think you would head to, if the option was available? (And do you think they are ready for your arrival- given that you have been in hiding so long, I’m picturing some serious celebrations:ymca:)

[princessbelle]

princessbelle- I hear what you are saying. I have never lived anywhere that was blatantly homophobic- I have traveled through (and I must say much quicker than was originally planned) places where I have felt unsafe simply by the way I looked. I don’t think I could do it for any length of time and still be able to retain any form of sanity. Where do you think you would head to, if the option was available? (And do you think they are ready for your arrival- given that you have been in hiding so long, I’m picturing some serious celebrations:ymca:)

LOL funny...I guess you are right...I would celebrate. I don't know where...California maybe? Kids are grown, there are a few things that keep me here but they are getting closer to being takin care of daily. But, whereever it will be, I am looking forward to having a barbeque with gay friends and not worrying about my neighbors judgements....

Apocalipstic, you know, I am sure there are some gay social groups at least within driving distance of me and I know I should probably find a way to check them out. Without having any gay friends here, I just haven't...but it is a good idea.

[Converse]

My priorities have definitely changed in this regard, but I have always lived places with queer communities even though I also live in Tennessee.

Now that I have queer RT friends all over and I have a partner, I seldom participate in the general "Gay and Lesbian" community events in my city. I used to be at the bar 65 nights a week, now I am a homebody. :)

I’m with you- though I have never really been a serious party goer (I get tired when it gets dark:hospital-snoopy:). I think more for me; it was about seeing community in my everyday- walking down the street, in the stores. It was about knowing that they were staring at me because I had forgotten to pull up my zipper rather than because they were passing judgement about who I was. Even though you don’t go to events anymore- would you consider living where there were no visual signs of a Gay and Lesbian community?

[Apocalipstic]

I’m with you- though I have never really been a serious party goer (I get tired when it gets dark:hospital-snoopy:). I think more for me; it was about seeing community in my everyday- walking down the street, in the stores. It was about knowing that they were staring at me because I had forgotten to pull up my zipper rather than because they were passing judgement about who I was. Even though you don’t go to events anymore- would you consider living where there were no visual signs of a Gay and Lesbian community?

Nah, I am a city girl and always have been. 25 years ago it was shocking to be out here in TN, now I do not even give it a second thought.

Every now and them when we are traveling we will pull in somewhere to eat, see a lot of big trucks with confederate flags, and just pull right back out and go somewhere more touristy.

As I grow older I care less and less about what other people think though.

What part of TN Princess? We cancelled a huge picnic when the flood happened, but will be rescheduling soon, maybe you could come and meet some people. :)

[princessbelle]

Nah, I am a city girl and always have been. 25 years ago it was shocking to be out here in TN, now I do not even give it a second thought.

As I grow older I care less and less about what other people think though.

What part of TN Princess? We cancelled a huge picnic when the flood happened, but will be rescheduling soon, maybe you could come and meet some people. :)

Ohhhhhhhhhh I would LOVE that. I'm in eastern Tennessee....missed the floods thank goodness. Sorry for what you all went through on that side of the state... Thank you for thinking of me and your picnic and let me know...i'll be there with "bells on" lol.

[Rockinonahigh]

I do live where there is some what of a gay community bit for some reason over the years I find I fit less and less within it.When I bought this place there were srveral gay families hear and I have been to a fue of there partys tho not many.I really thing as we age things change,what we expect inlife changes as well.I use to be at the gbar nearly everytime they door opened just to hang out with my community but have long gotten tired of bar mentality,noise ect.We do have a pflag hear but its dosent do very much beond a once a month meeting wich is not well attended.Last year we held a pride event hear for the first time since ive been hear,tho they didnt let on about it till the day before it happened so I wasnt able to attend on such short notice.
I have thought about moveing over the years but know ppl who have done so,what I get from them is that its was ok in the begaining but ended up as solitary as before.For me I will do my best to just visit a fue places then injoy the visits while im there.

[Converse]

I do live where there is some what of a gay community bit for some reason over the years I find I fit less and less within it.When I bought this place there were srveral gay families hear and I have been to a fue of there partys tho not many.I really thing as we age things change,what we expect inlife changes as well.I use to be at the gbar nearly everytime they door opened just to hang out with my community but have long gotten tired of bar mentality,noise ect.We do have a pflag hear but its dosent do very much beond a once a month meeting wich is not well attended.Last year we held a pride event hear for the first time since ive been hear,tho they didnt let on about it till the day before it happened so I wasnt able to attend on such short notice.
I have thought about moveing over the years but know ppl who have done so,what I get from them is that its was ok in the begaining but ended up as solitary as before.For me I will do my best to just visit a fue places then injoy the visits while im there.

I think “connecting” is a little different to “being among”. I don’t think I would be as settled in my new location if I hadn’t made the few b-f friends that I have. Do you think that having signs of a community around you doesn’t make any difference if you aren’t actively involved or if you haven’t formed any ties?

[TenderKnight]

Nice thread :)

I am from the South as well, North Carolina, to be exact. When I moved out here to California, it was a HUGE culture shock to be somewhere and there were GLBT folks walking around, holding hands.. In broad daylight! There were rainbow flags up YEAR ROUND and there wasn't a rebel flag anywhere to be seen.

Is living in a place where I see gay people and Pride all the time helpful to me as a person? I think it is.. I don't go to bars to hang with people in the communities, we have a GLBT Center here that has groups and functions year round and weekly. I know that I will be moving back to the South at some point.. But it will be very hard to adjust back to living somewhere where even the other queers are scared to have other queers openly hold hands in broad day light.. I will miss this realtime queer community that I am living in.

Thanks for the topic, look forward to following it.

-Tony

[ravfem]

i'm in the south too. Many years ago, there was a group of friends (lesbians & one TG guy) who would get together every Friday night for dinner & socialization. We advertised the group in the one & only hole-in-the-wall gay store, but never got new faces. As people moved away or whatever, the group just sort of vanished. i missed it tremendously, and still long for a group of like-minded people just to hang out with and do fun things.

Besides that though, there is no r/t community here. We have a gay bar, but really...i am so over it.

Many years ago i spent several weeks in Portland, OR. i asked to go to the "gay neighborhood" every day, just so i could sit and watch and smile. It was fascinating to me....all these people walking around, holding hands & just being. i LOVED it. The same when i got the opportunity to visit SF a few years ago. i went to the Castro daily just to people watch.

i go to Atlanta Pride every year, as much to be surrounded by 'my people' as anything else.

i love the thought of retiring in an exclusively women only community.

[Nat]

I really yearn for rt community and it's very depressing when I have gone too long without it. Thankfully I live near Austin. :)

I realized recently I would really like a good gay male friend. I actually do have some treasured gay male friends, but they have scattered to the four winds.

I think it would just be really comforting somehow. I guess I am feeling like gay male energy is missing from my life lately.

I did very much enjoy the recent Austin femme tea party - it was quite comforting being around a couple of smartypants positive femme energy - I hope some of it rubbed off on me :)

[Martina]

i have been spoiled for the last 25 years. Ann Arbor and now the Bay Area.

i would not mind being more out in the country in California. i would lose some community, but i wouldn't really be in a homophobic area unless i went WAY out in the country.

If i moved to someplace truly remote, i am sure i would miss queer community, but what i would miss more is the progressive atmosphere i have gotten used to. i don't want to hear a lot of conservative bullshit on a daily basis.

i like all kinds of people, but i don't want to work THAT hard to get over their politics and prejudices. It's tiring.

[Converse]

Nice thread :)

I am from the South as well, North Carolina, to be exact. When I moved out here to California, it was a HUGE culture shock to be somewhere and there were GLBT folks walking around, holding hands.. In broad daylight! There were rainbow flags up YEAR ROUND and there wasn't a rebel flag anywhere to be seen.

Is living in a place where I see gay people and Pride all the time helpful to me as a person? I think it is.. I don't go to bars to hang with people in the communities, we have a GLBT Center here that has groups and functions year round and weekly. I know that I will be moving back to the South at some point.. But it will be very hard to adjust back to living somewhere where even the other queers are scared to have other queers openly hold hands in broad day light.. I will miss this realtime queer community that I am living in.

Thanks for the topic, look forward to following it.

-Tony

Thank you for this TenderKnight- It is going to be interesting to see how and if your tolerance level and need for visual signs of a community are going to be altered when you return to the South after being exposed to a very alternative social “norm”.

I knew of one person closeted before she came to a very large gay friendly city, and after a year of being out, was forced due to family circumstances to return to her home town.

She struggled; I recall her going through some extreme emotions. But within a month of going back- she came out to her family, and scoured and hunted until she found some gay connections. 3 years later, her situation again changed and she was finally able to leave.

She said that the exposure that she had the 3 years prior was so important in allowing her to know who she was and to know that it was ok. She said it helped make her braver so now she was the big rainbow colored fish in a small but friendly bowl. She said the giant fish tank although is was colorful- was just too big for her, so she never moved back to the city.

Have you been back to visit since you relocated?

[Converse]

i'm in the south too. Many years ago, there was a group of friends (lesbians & one TG guy) who would get together every Friday night for dinner & socialization. We advertised the group in the one & only hole-in-the-wall gay store, but never got new faces. As people moved away or whatever, the group just sort of vanished. i missed it tremendously, and still long for a group of like-minded people just to hang out with and do fun things.

Besides that though, there is no r/t community here. We have a gay bar, but really...i am so over it.

Many years ago i spent several weeks in Portland, OR. i asked to go to the "gay neighborhood" every day, just so i could sit and watch and smile. It was fascinating to me....all these people walking around, holding hands & just being. i LOVED it. The same when i got the opportunity to visit SF a few years ago. i went to the Castro daily just to people watch.

i go to Atlanta Pride every year, as much to be surrounded by 'my people' as anything else.

i love the thought of retiring in an exclusively women only community.

rav- there is a place near where I grew up in Australia, called Amazon Acres- a women’s only land where all male children once they hit the age of 12years have to leave. On the gate leading to the compound is a giant penis with an axe through it.

Now I can tell you, for a packing Butch- that can make you feel mighty uncomfortable. I always moved along extremely fast when I was getting near that gate.

Do you think it is the friendships, or the environment of seeing "your people" just being- that you are looking for?

[TenderKnight]

Converse, thank you for your kind words :) No, I haven't went back in the past three years.. It will be interesting when I do go to visit, which will be (hopefully) sometime this late summer, early fall. I'm out to my family, except for my nephew.. He's known me from when he was 18 months or so when he moved in with my family. He's not seen me since he was 6.. He's nine now.. I'm kinda nervous, to be honest.. In any case, that is one of the things that has me a lil worried about going back.

I do actually have some friends that live around there that are queer, so may get to spend sometime out and about in the local scene, will see how it goes. Will also be diffrent because this is the first time I'll be there as a transguy that passes for biomale. lol.. I'm sure that it could be fun though! :D

Will be sure to post about it when the time comes. Thanks again for the thread and the topic :)

-Tony

[Converse]

I really yearn for rt community and it's very depressing when I have gone too long without it. Thankfully I live near Austin. :)

I realized recently I would really like a good gay male friend. I actually do have some treasured gay male friends, but they have scattered to the four winds.

I think it would just be really comforting somehow. I guess I am feeling like gay male energy is missing from my life lately.

I did very much enjoy the recent Austin femme tea party - it was quite comforting being around a couple of smartypants positive femme energy - I hope some of it rubbed off on me :)

I don’t know anything about smartypant femmes :| but I really get the gay boy thing, its an energy I miss too. When I first moved I was definitely needing some Butch-bonding (which was something I hadn’t ever really considered before), just a friend that knew where you were coming from- someone that you could nod to, and they knew what that nod meant. I have found that now- and it made all the difference.

In the same light, do you think its important for femmes to have close femme friends?

[Converse]

i have been spoiled for the last 25 years. Ann Arbor and now the Bay Area.

i would not mind being more out in the country in California. i would lose some community, but i wouldn't really be in a homophobic area unless i went WAY out in the country.

If i moved to someplace truly remote, i am sure i would miss queer community, but what i would miss more is the progressive atmosphere i have gotten used to. i don't want to hear a lot of conservative bullshit on a daily basis.

i like all kinds of people, but i don't want to work THAT hard to get over their politics and prejudices. It's tiring.

Did you choose those locations because of community? Or at least was that a consideration, and if so, do you think that your willingness to move to somewhere where it isn’t so prevalent is because you are in a different head space now- a different phase in your life?

I’m trying to get my head around whether “community” is more important for us at certain life stages

[Converse]

Converse, thank you for your kind words :) No, I haven't went back in the past three years.. It will be interesting when I do go to visit, which will be (hopefully) sometime this late summer, early fall. I'm out to my family, except for my nephew.. He's known me from when he was 18 months or so when he moved in with my family. He's not seen me since he was 6.. He's nine now.. I'm kinda nervous, to be honest.. In any case, that is one of the things that has me a lil worried about going back.

I do actually have some friends that live around there that are queer, so may get to spend sometime out and about in the local scene, will see how it goes. Will also be diffrent because this is the first time I'll be there as a transguy that passes for biomale. lol.. I'm sure that it could be fun though! :D

Will be sure to post about it when the time comes. Thanks again for the thread and the topic :)

-Tony

Oh that is definitely a set of posts I will be watching out for. 9 year olds still process through their hearts ( and not yet through other peoples prejudices). I'm sure your nephew is going to be excited to spend time with you. Good luck

[Martina]

i chose Ann Arbor because i was going to graduate school there.

i chose the Bay Area in part because of community (including leather), but also because it was a big city and near the ocean.

Yeah, as i get older, a really good grocery store becomes more important than a good gay bar.

Also, i am happier in my work. That is very enriching. i was bored back in Ann Arbor -- underemployed -- so my social and cultural life was way more important.

i do want a simpler life as i get older. Being near the Important People in my life is the first consideration. Job second. And then i just want peace and tranquility. Nature gives you that. The city -- it's possible, but you have to work at it.

[Rockinonahigh]

Converse
There is slim to un of a bf group of any kind hear,the bf'rs I know are all out of town or online,actualy being bf dosnt work well hear at all.In reality if ppl hear think u r a lesbian couple its ok but bf, not so much.I cant tell u how many times I or my date have gotten some off color coments about the bf way of life,such as ..its out of time or really old fashion or some such bs.I did just ignore such comments and move on with life.For a long time I was part of the glbt community hear way more than now,but over time ppl moved or just lost touch in the daily grind of time..plus there is now a huge age factor im 63 and the ppl who are anywhere close ot me in age have just disapered.

[ravfem]

rav- there is a place near where I grew up in Australia, called Amazon Acres- a women’s only land where all male children once they hit the age of 12years have to leave. On the gate leading to the compound is a giant penis with an axe through it.

Now I can tell you, for a packing Butch- that can make you feel mighty uncomfortable. I always moved along extremely fast when I was getting near that gate.

Do you think it is the friendships, or the environment of seeing "your people" just being- that you are looking for?

ok, i don't think i want it that anti-male! :giggle: i don't hate males at all! *thinking* in fact, now that i think about it...if there are "alternative" communities that aren't quite so exclusive as women-only...that would be an even nicer space for me, i think. i remember years ago Vi Johnson talking about a Kinky retirement village, but i don't believe that has transpired yet.

i've seen a few articles, websites & videos about women-only retirement communities, and i think it's the fellowship aspects, mainly. i've always loved the idea of commune living in general.

[Gemme]

It's only natural, of course, to seek like minded and bodied individuals as youngsters. It's built into our intrinsic bits and pieces. Every animal is born with this primal urging. Similar company provides warmth on cold nights, shelter from the storm, a higher likelihood of obtaining enough food and safety in numbers.

For me, no matter my age and status in life, that will not change. I am a very social creature and, though I may not go out and party like crazy all of the time, I need personal interaction with voices that come from OUTside of my head. :blink:

I've lived in areas of high and low tolerance and acceptance of our community. I feel stifled...smothered even...when I am not able to freely communication, face to face, with other members. It's more than validation (although that can be important) and acceptance (also important); it's an invisible hug that keeps my mental meter running right. It's the communal sigh after a large meal and the weight of breath caught when a group sees and shares something beautiful and brilliant together.

I don't need specific words or actions from members of our community. I just need them to exist and exist near me, where I can see them, feel them, hear them at will.

[Gayla]

I came out in an area with almost no gay community at all, then I moved to the "big city" that seemed like a gay mecca to me. In reality, the community was only slightly larger but much more active so it seemed to me, based on my reference points, as this huge thing. I was very involved on many different levels for a very long time. Almost every night of the week I was at some meeting or function or event. Weekends revolved around the groups I was a member of and bars where I hung out. This went on for more then 15 years.

I remember how we often talked about what it would be like to live in a place with a thriving community and how much fun we had visiting Austin, San Francisco, Seattle, etc. Even though we had a lot, it was always a little disappointing to go home.

Seven years ago, I left that town and moved to the Seattle area. I can count on one hand the number of times I've stepped foot in a queer bar since I moved here. The majority of my socializing is done with straight people I know from work. I have never been to Seattle Pride.

I don't know if it's my age or the fact that I just got so burned out but I'm really enjoying my lack of community involvement right now. That may change at some point, and I'm grateful that I have such an amazing community so close by, but these days I'm not really feeling the need for much more then my easy chair, laptop and the TV remote.

[Converse]

It's only natural, of course, to seek like minded and bodied individuals as youngsters. It's built into our intrinsic bits and pieces. Every animal is born with this primal urging. Similar company provides warmth on cold nights, shelter from the storm, a higher likelihood of obtaining enough food and safety in numbers.

For me, no matter my age and status in life, that will not change. I am a very social creature and, though I may not go out and party like crazy all of the time, I need personal interaction with voices that come from OUTside of my head. :blink:

I've lived in areas of high and low tolerance and acceptance of our community. I feel stifled...smothered even...when I am not able to freely communication, face to face, with other members. It's more than validation (although that can be important) and acceptance (also important); it's an invisible hug that keeps my mental meter running right. It's the communal sigh after a large meal and the weight of breath caught when a group sees and shares something beautiful and brilliant together.

I don't need specific words or actions from members of our community. I just need them to exist and exist near me, where I can see them, feel them, hear them at will.

Gemme

I really enjoyed reading your post – it resonated with me. Thank you

I think one of the key differences that exists within this thread is that some are living in places where homophobia is so blatant that they are forced to be closeted or risk alienation and even physical harm as opposed to others where although they may not be in a location where there is a predominant “community” they can still find it if they wish and are able to live without compromise.

I think that is one of the areas that sites like this have helped. In locations where physical buildings don’t exist, the sites create a virtual community drop in centre, coffee shop, bar, etc, so that others within accessible proximity can be found. I think the success of these sites support the argument that community is important.

But I wonder if having these sites will over time, replace our need to relocate and cluster geographically. Do you think that the want to find like minded people who can provide “interaction with voices that come from OUTside” could be someday completely satisfied through on-line communities alone?

[Converse]

I came out in an area with almost no gay community at all, then I moved to the "big city" that seemed like a gay mecca to me. In reality, the community was only slightly larger but much more active so it seemed to me, based on my reference points, as this huge thing. I was very involved on many different levels for a very long time. Almost every night of the week I was at some meeting or function or event. Weekends revolved around the groups I was a member of and bars where I hung out. This went on for more then 15 years.

I remember how we often talked about what it would be like to live in a place with a thriving community and how much fun we had visiting Austin, San Francisco, Seattle, etc. Even though we had a lot, it was always a little disappointing to go home.

Seven years ago, I left that town and moved to the Seattle area. I can count on one hand the number of times I've stepped foot in a queer bar since I moved here. The majority of my socializing is done with straight people I know from work. I have never been to Seattle Pride.

I don't know if it's my age or the fact that I just got so burned out but I'm really enjoying my lack of community involvement right now. That may change at some point, and I'm grateful that I have such an amazing community so close by, but these days I'm not really feeling the need for much more then my easy chair, laptop and the TV remote.

gayla,
I have also been in similar shoes (well boots cuz I don’t often wear shoes, perhaps that’s a different thread)- submerged so much in the community that after a time it can feel stifling. What is interesting as that if you step out and away, you are suddenly reminded that the whole world actually doesn’t think like you- I mean we know from an intellectual level, but if all of our interactions are with like- minded people it becomes easy to forget that you actually aren’t the “norm”.

As a side note, I also discovered that when straight women congregate that their key topic of conversation is how horrible men are :thinking:

You say that you're socializing, by choice, is now predominantly with straight people. Do you find an occasional hankering to spend time with people/persons who can see the world through similar eyes, can relate to your experiences, history? And if so, do you think that you have satisfied that need through sites like this, and hence haven’t felt the need to find it in R/T?

[Gemme]

Gemme

I really enjoyed reading your post – it resonated with me. Thank you

I think one of the key differences that exists within this thread is that some are living in places where homophobia is so blatant that they are forced to be closeted or risk alienation and even physical harm as opposed to others where although they may not be in a location where there is a predominant “community” they can still find it if they wish and are able to live without compromise.

I think that is one of the areas that sites like this have helped. In locations where physical buildings don’t exist, the sites create a virtual community drop in centre, coffee shop, bar, etc, so that others within accessible proximity can be found. I think the success of these sites support the argument that community is important.

But I wonder if having these sites will over time, replace our need to relocate and cluster geographically. Do you think that the want to find like minded people who can provide “interaction with voices that come from OUTside” could be someday completely satisfied through on-line communities alone?

Thank you, Converse.

I agree. Many of our community members are unable to find and/or celebrate with like minded and bodied souls because of geographical locations and the prejudice that is rampant in many areas.

I think that many do, at this time, feed their need for interaction through the net and they are satisfied with that connection. That would not work for me, though. The problem I see with that is, in the process of expanding their horizons and reaching out to others via the internet, they are actually shrinking their personal social circle....their one to one interactions. I don't think that that is healthy, emotionally, mentally or psychologically.

Sure, there are some of us who do just fine with little to no interaction with people for a while, but over long periods of time I feel that could be detrimental. The swapping of internet communication for personal interaction is a soulless exchange and cannot leave a person untouched. Parts of their humanity would wither away over time, I feel.

[princessbelle]

Thank you, Converse.

I agree. Many of our community members are unable to find and/or celebrate with like minded and bodied souls because of geographical locations and the prejudice that is rampant in many areas.

I think that many do, at this time, feed their need for interaction through the net and they are satisfied with that connection. That would not work for me, though. The problem I see with that is, in the process of expanding their horizons and reaching out to others via the internet, they are actually shrinking their personal social circle....their one to one interactions. I don't think that that is healthy, emotionally, mentally or psychologically.

Sure, there are some of us who do just fine with little to no interaction with people for a while, but over long periods of time I feel that could be detrimental. The swapping of internet communication for personal interaction is a soulless exchange and cannot leave a person untouched. Parts of their humanity would wither away over time, I feel.

I totally agree with this. It is hard when the only social interaction is with straight people. Not that they are "all that bad" lol. It's the feeling of connection and comradery that is missing. It is a struggle to keep grounded and it gets very lonely.

[Kobi]

I felt the need to be part of a community when I first came out. I immersed myself in everything lesbian.

It wore off tho. The more I know who I am and am comfortable with it, the less need I have to be part of a group.

Now, I just prefer to fit in and live peacefully.

[Converse]

I felt the need to be part of a community when I first came out. I immersed myself in everything lesbian.

It wore off tho. The more I know who I am and am comfortable with it, the less need I have to be part of a group.

Now, I just prefer to fit in and live peacefully.

Kobi,
This is something I understand, though I’m wondering whether you think that you would be more inclined to look for community if sites like this one didn’t exist, or do you believe that having any kind of interaction/connection with community is simply no longer important to you anymore?
Also are you living somewhere that doesn’t require you to compromise in order to “fit in”?

[Kobi]

Converse,

Interesting questions.

I never felt I had to compromise to fit in here. Yes it is a more accepting area then others might have to deal with. Once I was comfortable in my own skin, I just took partners with me to family and work functions because it seemed normal to me to do so.

I never had the need to be an "in your face queer" nor did I like associating with those who did. Being queer wasnt how I defined myself, it was and is just one part of who I am.

On line communities are nice to visit but they dont take the place of real time human interaction for me. It is more rewarding to be sitting across from someone talking then it is to type to someone.

It is more important to me to find people I can connect with in a meaningful way. Their gender or orientation doesnt seem to phase me anymore. The energy of women is more comfortable to me but I have met some intriguing people who arent lesbians or female.


[/I]Kobi,
This is something I understand, though I’m wondering whether you think that you would be more inclined to look for community if sites like this one didn’t exist, or do you believe that having any kind of interaction/connection with community is simply no longer important to you anymore?
Also are you living somewhere that doesn’t require you to compromise in order to “fit in”?

[Gayla]

You say that you're socializing, by choice, is now predominantly with straight people. Do you find an occasional hankering to spend time with people/persons who can see the world through similar eyes, can relate to your experiences, history? And if so, do you think that you have satisfied that need through sites like this, and hence haven’t felt the need to find it in R/T?

I guess I really don't see it as not relating to my experiences. Most of the people that I spend time with, whether queer or straight, have enough similar experiences and shared history on some level that I don't feel like an outsider. My life has changed a great deal and along with that how, and with whom, I spend my free time has changed. I enjoy spending time with people who understand my sense of humor, get the inside jokes and that I have a shared history with. They don't have to be queer to have all of those things.

The truth is, they do see the world through similar eyes and they can relate to my history and experiences because my history and experiences are much, much more then just being queer. Probably the most important thing I've learned over the years is that all these people that I used to see as being so different from me, really aren't.

I don't know if I'm really explaining this as well as I want. I don't feel a lot of separation in my life anymore. When I spend time with people in real life, I don't pretend to be anything other than what I am.

I'm fortunate to be in a position now where I don't have to get up every day and go to a "job" where I'm forced to interact with people that I may not like or get along with or that may not like me for no other reason than because I'm queer. I work with some really amazing people. I have really amazing clients. I have really amazing friends. Most are in more then one of those groups.

So it's not like I spend all day having to pretend to be someone else to the point that I want to go hang out with the queers at night just to relax and be myself.

[girl_dee]

this is an interesting topic!

i am extremely introverted person. i have never been part of any community and if so it was straight folk.

a few years ago i met someone who was BIG in the gay community in New Orleans. We could not go anywhere, where she didn't see anyone. The parties, OMG someone was always having one. It was tight night and i admired that they were so close, and a bit jealous that they could get to together in person. Much like our Reunions only on a smaller scale.

These people were her chosen family, her family kicked her out at 17, and she was embraced the community, and 40 years later she is still actively among them. When we met, i was overwhelmed with the gay folk! GREAT i thought, this will help me get out there.

Then i realized they were all gay folks, but not B-F. Hell we were not B-F. yes there were some butch women, but mostly just two women in a relationship. i need to talk to my femme sisters to feel i am among *family*.

i tried to stay away from THIS community and all online forums because i wanted to live in the "real" world.

Well this community is my real world and i feel much more at home posting on forums and making connections long distance than i did in a community of hundreds of queer women.

i am thankful we have this connection here.