I'd Like to Claim I was Drunk: Pick Up Lines Destined to Fail

[Mister Bent]

Share them here, your worst lines ever.

You know the ones, no sooner do they escape your lips than you know tonight is decidedly not your night to get laid.


One that didn't work for me:

"You're interesting like a case study."

[moxie]

Is it wrong that the aforementioned line would work on me?

[Enchantress]

Him: What are my Chances?

(my response to this after being approached (from behind) while getting into my car)

"Of being arrested? I'd say pretty high"

[Mister Bent]

Is it wrong that the aforementioned line would work on me?

Totes. ....

[Jesse]

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print.

[Jesse]

If being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

[JustJo]

In the parking lot of the bookstore...from the (maybe) 20ish young man who held the door open for me...

Have you ever considered the advantages of a friendship with a younger man?
:blink:

[Medusa]

"Hey Lady, you got the love I need."

[Apocalipstic]

How 'bout I play Nelly and you play Paw?

(needless to say, I did not get laid that night)

[chefhmboyrd]

would you like to come over for breakfast?

you look like someone i used to sleep with

you are like manna from heaven, come to rest in my mouth.

can you touch your toes in that skirt?

love your shoes, they would look great behind your head.

Wow! you are HOTT! can i fan the flame

i like wine, but i prefer moan

what time do you want to get off?

hey, i know you. you're the one that likes it doggie style.

mmmmmm, you smell like sex

hey girl, why don't you come over here and give me a big fat wet kiss

hello my name is Andy..... Handy Andy

girl, you look like you got Skillz

Dayum, you got a big fine ass

you got boobs for days

[Scorp]

Well here's mine...

"Your eyes are amazing, like 2 blue beautiful pools of water that I just want to dive right into"...

Next thing you know, we were skinny dipping :sunglass:

What can I say, I'm a sucker for blue (and green) eyes...

[PinkieLee]

Well, I can't remember any Chandler (hey G) moments that I've done myself, but the worst pickup line I've ever been dished was...

*Butch walks up wearing a cowboy hat*
"Hey honey, wanna dance?"

Me ~ "Not right now, but thanks"

"Well, can I buy you a drank?"

Me ~ "I'm good, thank you though".

"Ok, well can I take you out to sometime? I promise I'm a gentleman and take my hat off when I eat.... I wouldn't want to make you bowlegged."

Me ~ "WOW... ok, you can buy me that beer now!"

[Dylan]

This is pretty recent.

Backstory: Mahhh Woman and I were in a club. I was standing off to the side, and Mahhh Woman was standing in line.

A butch is in front of Mahhh Woman. Butch keeps looking back to check out Mahhh Woman. I can see The Butch is trying to come up with something to say. Finally, The Butch musters up the nerve, and *this* is what she comes up with...

TheButch: (yelling, mind you) "Wow, you look just like my ex! It's incredible!" (gets camera phone ready) "Can I take your picture? I wish I had a picture of my ex to show you, because it's just so incredible how much you look like her. Can I take your picture, so I can show my friends?"

Mahhh Woman: (smiles) "No"

The Butch: "Would you like to go out on a date sometime?"

Really?

We saw this butch later, and she was pretty certain that the only reason Mahhh Woman wouldn't go out with her is because I was in the picture. I mean, how could such a stellar line NOT work?


Dylan

[apretty]

once i was about 22 and in a 'hometown buffet' this goodlooking guy leans in too close and over me and points to the chicken on my plate while looking down my shirt murmurs:

"Is that a THIGH or a BREAST."

i was so 20s-dumb that i didn't even know that i was being hit on until i came up to my mother and said, 'that guy over there asked me if my chicken was...' she clued me in. and occasionally one of us we'll say it to each other, given the slightest opportunity.


(this guy had GAME! who hits on someone at hometown buffet? who hits on someone and mentions chicken parts? ...i wonder where he is now.)

[always2late]

Said to me by one of my patients (and I LOVE this line!! lol) :

"Hey Blondie, I got a pickup you'd look mighty good in!"

[Apocalipstic]

Hey Baby I am just looking for a piece of ass.

:goodluck:

[chefhmboyrd]

Hey Baby I am just looking for a piece of ass.

:goodluck:

ha ha ha ha i remember that
we were at this bar next to the truck stop, and this guy just walked up to you and said that
i guess you gotta give the guy credit, he knew what he wanted and didn't want to beat around the bush, he wanted to be in it

[Jesse]

Really like your peaches...wanna shake your tree.

[SuperFemme]

You've been a bad boi! Now go to MY room!

[Apocalipstic]

ha ha ha ha i remember that
we were at this bar next to the truck stop, and this guy just walked up to you and said that
i guess you gotta give the guy credit, he knew what he wanted and didn't want to beat around the bush, he wanted to be in it


Ha!

I said "well you won't find one here"

and he said "I'm just tryin' to hownest baybah"

SIGH

[Apocalipstic]

This is pretty recent.

Backstory: Mahhh Woman and I were in a club. I was standing off to the side, and Mahhh Woman was standing in line.

A butch is in front of Mahhh Woman. Butch keeps looking back to check out Mahhh Woman. I can see The Butch is trying to come up with something to say. Finally, The Butch musters up the nerve, and *this* is what she comes up with...

TheButch: (yelling, mind you) "Wow, you look just like my ex! It's incredible!" (gets camera phone ready) "Can I take your picture? I wish I had a picture of my ex to show you, because it's just so incredible how much you look like her. Can I take your picture, so I can show my friends?"

Mahhh Woman: (smiles) "No"

The Butch: "Would you like to go out on a date sometime?"

Really?

We saw this butch later, and she was pretty certain that the only reason Mahhh Woman wouldn't go out with her is because I was in the picture. I mean, how could such a stellar line NOT work?


Dylan

Yeahhh, cause every girl want to look just like someone's ex.

:married:

[Apocalipstic]

Another line I have heard more than once is....

"Baybah, you just havent found tha raaiight Mayn"

My go to answer is...

"and let me guess, YOU are the chosen one" :|

[SuperFemme]

You know, sweetie, my lips won't just kiss themselves...

(i never thought it would work. it did. we're married now.)

[scootebaby]

one used on me...

in my early 20s,in a str8 bar with a some friends...guy is eyeing me for some time...after a few "courage" drinks he walks over to me and my friends and starts chatting me up..im civil but not paying much attention to it...he leans WAY too far in my space and loudly says "i like to eat pussy" without missing a beat i turned to him,smiled, and said "what a coincidence so do i"...my friends fell out of their chairs laughing.


one i have used--ONLY once! lol

mid to late 20s...gay bar..drunk beyond words..standing at bar talking to bartender,and this woman walks up with this HUGE breasts..i turn,offer to buy her a drink and in same breath(looking AT her breasts) i say "im gonna need a soft pillow for my head,can you come home with me?"

[Apocalipstic]

It never works when I used my Slingblade voice to try to hit on my G/F.

Seems sexy to me.

[SuperFemme]

Another line I have heard more than once is....

"Baybah, you just havent found tha raaiight Mayn"

My go to answer is...

"and let me guess, YOU are the chosen one" :|

god if i had a nickel.....

my go to answer?

you're not woman enough to be my man. :readfineprint:

[Medusa]

I totally forgot about this one:

" 'Medusa' huh? I can be your Perseus!!"

(Yeah, cause every woman wants to have her head cut off and used to kill a sea creature)

[Dylan]

It never works when I used my Slingblade voice to try to hit on my G/F.

Seems sexy to me.

I like them friiiiied taters


Dylan...I've tried it with Mahhh Woman too, and she's not amused (to say the least)

[*Magic_and_Silk*]

One of the WORST I have ever heard...

I was 18..He was around the same age..

He says.."I'd like to kiss you. But, I am afraid I might suffer by comparison."

This line is from the movie 'Footloose'....I almost puked. I wasn't even amused. Especially since the guy had just gone to that movie a couple of days before with me and my little sister...and he was HER DATE!

[apretty]

another one, not tried on me as much as the entire bar:

the lights are going up, the music has been turned off and people are filing out, one young (and possibly not sober) butch yells:

WHO'S SINGLE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dunno if it worked but she got a lot of laughs.

[Bob]

Over at the driving range, there's a bunch of old coots who hang out and gossip and drink.

One day I happened to be nearby, idly chitchatting, and this well-preserved-by-scotch octogenarian looked me over, smiled, and said, "You look like you'd make a good farmer's wife!"

"Why's that?" I asked.

"Because you look like you know how to operate heavy machinery AND birth some healthy babies!"

And he grinned at me with a twinkle in his cataract-clouded eye, like he'd just paid me the biggest compliment he knew how to give. Which it probably was.

[Strappie]

Referring to a Sleep Number .....

Whats your number? Mines 69 should we see what yours is?

[PinkieLee]

A vivid memory popped back into my mind that had been hidden for a couple years....

My ex and I were at a hole in the wall pool hall. We were up at the bar ordering a beer, when the cuestick that was leaning up against the bar beside me fell over.

I reached over to pick it up and hand it to the guy in the bbq stained tshirt standing next to me, and he said, "Oh darlin, if it was MY stick that hit you, you would have thanked me".

[Scorp]

Lord, what a loser...Those are the fools that probably have a dick the size of a gherkin....

And, what did you say back to him after he said that???


A vivid memory popped back into my mind that had been hidden for a couple years....

My ex and I were at a hole in the wall pool hall. We were up at the bar ordering a beer, when the cuestick that was leaning up against the bar beside me fell over.

I reached over to pick it up and hand it to the guy in the bbq stained tshirt standing next to me, and he said, "Oh darlin, if it was MY stick that hit you, you would have thanked me".

[Enchantress]

"You have the kind of beauty that men have waged wars over"

Truth be told, this one sort of worked (or at least I considered for just a few moments)

[Strappie]

An all time classic for me... lol

When you hug someone.. If they say.. "You smell good, What are you wearing?" You reply back and say.. "You later" lol

[PinkieLee]

Lord, what a loser...Those are the fools that probably have a dick the size of a gherkin....

And, what did you say back to him after he said that???

I hate to admit it, but he stumped me on that one...I walked away. I know, where was my sacastic wit then?!

[Strappie]

I hate to admit it, but he stumped me on that one...I walked away. I know, where was my sacastic wit then?!

Jesus... say it's not so!!

[Scorp]

:blink: Nooo not You? Loss for words?? omg (clenches heart) Wowwwwwwwwwwwwww... :raspberry:


I hate to admit it, but he stumped me on that one...I walked away. I know, where was my sacastic wit then?!

[Strappie]

A vivid memory popped back into my mind that had been hidden for a couple years....

My ex and I were at a hole in the wall pool hall. We were up at the bar ordering a beer, when the cuestick that was leaning up against the bar beside me fell over.

I reached over to pick it up and hand it to the guy in the bbq stained tshirt standing next to me, and he said, "Oh darlin, if it was MY stick that hit you, you would have thanked me".

If that was me saying that to you.. I would have at least said... "if that was my stick that hit you, You would have been begging for more!" lol

[Scorp]

Like I said...Those are the fools that probably have a dick the size of a gherkin... :rofl:


If that was me saying that to you.. I would have at least said... "if that was my stick that hit you, You would have been begging for more!" lol

[PinkieLee]

:blink: Nooo not You? Loss for words?? omg (clenches heart) Wowwwwwwwwwwwwww... :raspberry:

I know, right?! I think some people just pull that stuff right outta their asses!! I'm sorry that I let you down ~ I'll start getting together my list of bad pick up line responses ASAP!

If that was me saying that to you.. I would have at least said... "if that was my stick that hit you, You would have been begging for more!" lol

PERV... but at least you are cute ;)
Now, don't be using Billy Joe Jim Bob's pick up line on the ladies this weekend!!

[JustJo]

... a dick the size of a gherkin....


Oh where was this line when I was bartending???

I used to just tell them that measuring from the asshole forward was cheating... :blink:

[Scorp]

ROFLMMFAO!!! Love your response Jo :cracked:


Oh where was this line when I was bartending???

I used to just tell them that measuring from the asshole forward was cheating... :blink:

[Chancie]

A line I used once, Would you care to lead me around the dance floor?

hehehe

[MissItalianDiva]

My personal all time favorites

"Stand still so I can pick you up."

Can I take your picture?
Why?
Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas

Well here I am! What were your other two wishes?

I was wondering something about you
Oh yeah what might that be
Do your lips taste as good as they look?

[Apocalipstic]

Wanna do it?

[SuperFemme]

if i have enough to drink i may stand on the dance floor and yell "wanna fuck" during a lull in the music. i heard i'm slutty like that.

[The_Lady_Snow]

if i have enough to drink i may stand on the dance floor and yell "wanna fuck" during a lull in the music. i heard i'm slutty like that.

Um.

How come I never got that when we drank together.????

[SuperFemme]

i was thinking it really loud.

[Gemme]

In the parking lot of the bookstore...from the (maybe) 20ish young man who held the door open for me...

Have you ever considered the advantages of a friendship with a younger man?
:blink:

Well, to be honest, that's probably the most polite way to ask that question. Points for discretion go to the younger man. :)

Hey Baby I am just looking for a piece of ass.

:goodluck:

Oh, good. I just passed a truck full of donkeys that would be perfect for you! (My response)

Another line I have heard more than once is....

"Baybah, you just havent found tha raaiight Mayn"

My go to answer is...

"and let me guess, YOU are the chosen one" :|

Was he wearing sandals and a robe?

I totally forgot about this one:

" 'Medusa' huh? I can be your Perseus!!"

(Yeah, cause every woman wants to have her head cut off and used to kill a sea creature)

Everyone has a purpose in life.... :blink:

[chefhottie25]

I have no problem getting out of your bed to make you breakfast in the morning. The few times I went out after work with my chef coat on it actually worked...but mostly it failed.

[betenoire]

True story.

I was on the bus, reading. Which is pretty much what I do - I ride buses and read. Some guy sits beside me and says "hi. what are you reading?" So I show him the cover of my book. (It was Love in the Time of Cholera)

he says "um. What's chool-era?"

game over.

[Apocalipstic]

Fuck me with your vestigial tail!

Seriously, it is a wonder I ever get laid....I think I am funny, Cynthia is mostly creeped out by the weird shit I say. She is a champ putting up with me! :)

[Leigh]

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn112/tammyjohall/horny.jpg

[skeeter_01]

What I meant to say: So, can I buy you a drink?

What I did say: So, can I buy you a house?

I had NO idea that was going to come out of my mouth until it did...btw...YES I could buy her a house, NO I didn't get laid....

[nicetgurl_30]

should i call you in the morning or nudge you!

[Medusa]

should i call you in the morning or nudge you!


I'd vote for the nudge ;)

[Isadora]

I just want to bury my face in your cleavage and run my hands through your curls.

Then hys wife showed up. hahahahahaha TAG!

[tiggs]

One of my most memorable, the butch comes sauntering over to the table where I was sitting with a group. No introduction at all, hy simply says to me,

butch: " your a** must be made of onions"

me with a very confused look "why is that?"

butch: "because it's so fine it makes my eyes water"

Had to give hym credit for bravery lol

[chefhottie25]

"so do you wanna f**k?"
i apologize i was a jerk in my 20's
but that line actually hooked me a hottie who i ended having a 4 year relationship with. then she left me for my best friend kevin. i miss him more than i miss her.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I was catering an event last night (the hunting expo thingy), and apparently one of the guys there hit on one of my co-workers... he said to her,

"You're a very beautiful girl... you look like my EX-wife. I'm at table 23 ;)"

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

[Miss Scarlett]

This wasn't a pick up line, rather it was said to me very early on during a first date many years ago "Your bed or mine? She looked really confused when I excused myself and left!

[rlin]

theres always the ol' redneck standby...

"get in the truck, bitch..."

[miss entycing]

said to me one year at an after-pride party, courtesy of a very drunk butch:

"hey girly-you're a sexy mutha-fucker- come sit on my face!"
to which i replied:
"why? is your nose bigger than your dick?"

I was not amused.
:slapfight:


really??
lordhavemercy.

[Diva]

You're really cool, but how hot is your mother?



:|

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Man leans in and whispers "For you, I would pay..."

My Response: *Blank Stare* "No entiendo...No Hablo Ingles" :)

[Mister Bent]

Baby, you got a Mubarek on you...

[an ass that just won't quit.]

[uglyboi]

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

[Selenay]

Hey baby, I left my scarf at home; can I wrap your legs around me instead?

[kannon]

Motion for her to come over with the finger "come here" sign. If she does, tell her, "I just wanted to see if I could I could make you come with my finger. Looks like I can. My fingers work even better in the bed."

WARNING: This drunken line is sure to evoke a strong emotional reaction of some sort.

[WomenMoveMe]

I took my forefinger...put it to my lips...and softly licked it. Then put the wet finger to her shirt. Looked right into her eyes and said "we really should get you out of these wet things".

or...

"You need me".

[starryeyes]

If I even attempted to say a pick-up line, which probably would never happen... I would probably get a red face, start giggling and just walk away like an idiot. Sexy huh?

:-D

[tapu]

"You are so in my mating pool."

[tapu]

This one usually works really, really well (go figure); but oh boy, when it goes bad...


"Ya wanna' date me? I'll let ya."

[Ciaran]

This one can work (if the recipient understands irony which is a big if)

"You're not great looking, but there's not much to choose from here."


Also, potential to work with someone who hasn't had a humour bypass:


"If I offer you the chance to come home with me tonight, is it okay if you made up the bed again in the morning?"

[tapu]

Where I'm from, it's customary to exchange watches with someone you've just met....

(It was Southern California--everyone had a Rolex except me. Actually, did I even have a watch?)

-- tapu, Accomplished PUA

[tapu]

If I even attempted to say a pick-up line, which probably would never happen... I would probably get a red face, start giggling and just walk away like an idiot. Sexy huh?

:-D

That would work on me.

[CherylNYC]

The weird straight dude said, "I would looove to study the Upanishads with you."

[genghisfawn]

I was at a pub with friends and this kid (I swear it was a kid... like, 19, which is the minimum drinking age here...) was trying to chat us up. Naturally we were polite but turned our backs when we were done being civil, but he just kept harping on at me (I was closest.)

Me: *turning around and saying politely* Can I help you with something?
Him: I just wanna know... are we friends?
Me: Maybe someday, but I'd like to visit with my friends now, please, okay?
Him: Maybe not. I hate being in the friend zone, so maybe we should go back to my place and get this over with.

Fortunately everyone heard him because he was drunk and yelling, so we ended up laughing and booing him out (along with a bunch of men our age who started hollering "Peeweeeee!" at him. I love straight bars.

[mustangjeano]

SAID MANY YEARS AGO TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AT WORK, " I'm not just bragging about how good I am---that many women can't be wrong.

[chai~]

I didn't use this line, but this was used on my once and I tried so hard not to laugh!!!

Meeting butch on a blind date set up by a friend.

Them, "You know, my dentist really hates it when I come in for a cleaning."

Me, a look of concern, "Oh really? How come?"

Them, "Well because my tongue is so strong and long, that the assistant has to hold it down with a depressor so the dentist can clean my teeth."

I think I downed my drink and excused myself.

[chai~]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v329/ashera1/428592_327244977321494_225824207463572_894598_1513 25295_n.jpg

[Metro]

not sure why but i think you're hot!

:blink:

[SleepyButch]

We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time baby.. but if you'd like to...

[cinnamongrrl]

Ohhh my god.

I was just talking to my roomie about pickup linea 10 minutes ago! Freaky!!!!

Sooo one that I find memorable....

"Id really like to introduce you to my friend, Stanley. My power tool."

Check please!

[SleepyButch]

Are you an interior decorator? Because when I saw you, the entire room became beautiful.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Done by a butch in a bar -

She inhaled a helium balloon then said while leaning in a swanky manner on the bar "I'm Luke skywalker and I'm here to save youuuuuuuuuuu"

Totally worked.

Done by one of my exes at a party -

Sat down in front of me with a rolled ciggy dangling out the corner of her mouth and one of the hosts tea towels in her hand.

She said nothing but carefully and quickly folded the tea towel into a roast chicken, held it up and winked at me. Then asked me if I wanted a beer to go with the chicken.

Totally worked.

[C0LLETTE]

"My ex-partner, KD Lang, bet me that you'd let me buy you a drink."

Only fails if you're trying to buy a drink for KD Lang's ex-partner.

[cinnamongrrl]

My cousin told me a girl once said this to him...

"I like your pants. They'd look good on the floor next to my bed."

Damn...:blink:

[SleepyButch]

Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cause you have a pretty sweet ass.

[cinnamongrrl]

My cousin told me a girl once said this to him...

"I like your pants. They'd look good on the floor next to my bed."

Damn...:blink:

[homoe]

I've heard that same line BUT it was told by a butch to a femme & it was her dress that would look good!

[RNguy]

In WV and KY you will hear this said:
" baby, you look like someone whooped up on you with the pretty stick "

I did say it to Laney_Doll once to see what she would say and I think it was...
"Good Lord baby"
:)

[Gemme]

Hopefully no one gets the ugly stick and the pretty stick confused.

:blink:

[Bard]

Excuse me did you eat breakfast? Was it lucky charms, because you look magically delicious?

[Bard]

Somebody call the cops, because it's got to be illegal to look that good! :police:

[RNguy]

Hopefully no one gets the ugly stick and the pretty stick confused.

:blink:

Well it is Appalachia !!!! ;)

[C0LLETTE]

OMG was that your drink I just finished? I'm so sorry.Here, let me get you another.

[Ginger]

Ha, these are making me imagine Will Ferrell as a butch.

[SleepyButch]

Of all the beautiful curves on your body, your smile is my favorite.

[FemmeBibliophile]

If you liked it you should have put a ring pop on it (grape).

[Ginger]

This isn't exactly a pick-up line but about 25 years ago when I met the woman I would live with for the next ten years (so this is an old, hazy memory), I was working in a book store and she came in.

We were putting away a lot of books. She said, "Where will you put them all?" and I said, "This store is like a uterus. It expands to accommodate whatever shipment of books we have, and then it shrinks back down, when they're sold."

She shrieked, she laughed so loud. I think I made her nervous and thrilled her at the same time, by saying things she would never allow herself to say. Good old Nance.

[homoe]

If I told you you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me:blush:

[cinnamongrrl]

My late cousin told me a girl tried to pick him up with this one:

I like your pants. They'd look really good on the floor next to my bed...

I don't recall if he said it worked or not lol

[C0LLETTE]

Hi. That's a lovely designer jacket you're wearing. You know, if you ever want some financial advice, I'd be happy to help you out. What are you drinking?