Dating and Race

[Dragonfly]

I am a bit backwards socially, as many of you know well, and I am hoping for support and feedback here. When is the socially appropriate stage to discuss racial differences when dating someone? Being shy and socially stunted tends to leave me seeming uncaring or uninterested because I don't bring up topics that I am unsure they are not appropriate. Like I'm the one the checkout clerks look up and see and think ok here's someone nice and they spill out their business to me right there. I am the type that will not even know how irritated the line becomes when I encourage said checker and practically have a therapy session right there. SO when someone else doesn't approach me with their feelings I am not very good at guess what they may view as the elephant in the room or I am ignoring the obvious... So I really need a group feedback on this... As the non poc in the situation when and who is best to begin the convo. Also just wanna add that to me its very important to know how she feels about it, if ever experienced it and be upfront about it being my first opportunity as no poc has yet liked me enough to pursue or date me.

[waxnrope]

Um, Dragonfly, I'm a POC, and have to say that somewhere between the checkout line and how "she" feels about "it," I've gotten totally confused. What, exactly, are you asking? :seeingstars:

[Corkey]

Dragonfly start at the beginning, your are confusing folks.

[dark_crystal]

i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person

[Dragonfly]

Because everywhere I go (no exaggeration) people open up to me and talk so eaily to me THAT my personality is not a convo starter. I wait fror others to socially clue me to appropriate levels of sharing info. My problem here and now is that I do not want someone I like to think I SHOULD have Already mentioned it and that I either am ignoring it or not comfy about it. I am asking for input on others personal expp how these convos went for them ect. I should just have asked the person I like but I wanted a broader range of feedback because I am not socially adept.

[Dragonfly]

i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person

That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!

[Ebon]

Maybe approaching someone as a human first and a POC second would be a good idea. Everyone has had different life experiences so that makes every individual different. Yes most POC have had similar experiences as far as discrimination and stuff goes, but as individuals have dealt with them in their own way. I honestly don't know what you're asking but answered in the best way I could decipher the question.

[PinkieLee]

When is the socially appropriate stage to discuss racial differences when dating someone?

Hi Dragonfly...

Is this the question that you are looking for input on?

[Corkey]

Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer.
Who knows, ask the person you are interested in.

[Ebon]

That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!

I think I can understand why this person said this to you.

[jey_z76]

Conversations are one of the biggest keys to any relationship, whether it be friends or more. Sparking up a conversation is easier than you may think. If I can't think of anything to say, I normally ask an off the wall question to get that person thinking. Such as, If you had to choose to be an apple or an orange for a whole day, which one would you choose and why? Femmes normally choose apples because they normally have makeup that goes better with the color red. Think of a clever response, because once she answers, she will more than likely ask you the same. Eye contact goes along with conversations. Those who talk to you while not looking at you.... well, most likely they aren't into you or they may be shy depending on the rest of the body language. Now race should never play a part in the conversation at first. Just go with the flow and don't worry about all that. If you are dating someone of a different race, why would there be a conversation on racial differences? If you are dating them, then you obviously like them, right? So why even bring it up? Just saying.

[Dragonfly]

I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about what type (I D) they are attracted to. Just great...

[PinkieLee]

I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about I'd they are attracted to. Just great...

Hello again Dragonfly...

I don't think that you are dumb at all. I think that folks just got a lil' confused as to what kind of input you were looking for. I know that sometimes I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words, and sometimes it just doesn't come out right.

I think that no matter the topic of discussion, that having an open & honest line of communication is always good. If you want to ask questions, do it. There might be questions that your significant other wants to ask. Once you start talking & opening up, the conversation will just start to flow.

Best of luck to you my friend.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I hate apples!

I do enjoy it when someone (be they
friend, lover, or mate) invests time
in getting to know my experiences, tragedies, and
triumphs as WOC.

I would hope whomever it is DOES
do their homework on their own and
doesn't rely on said POC's to educate
and make it more comfy for you.


Hope this helps.

P.S.~~~~. Tim Wise.org

:)

[Dragonfly]

Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer.
Who knows, ask the person you are interested in.

Just speaiking about someone I want to date and finding out if I am their type. That's it. Not about our differences but about dating me be new or already experienced it kind of wondering. That's it.

[Corkey]

Just speaiking about someone I want to date and finding out if I am their type. That's it. Not about our differences but about dating me be new or already experienced it kind of wondering. That's it.


If you want to date them, date them you don't need our permission or advice. The person in question will let you know if you are their "type".
Try to relax, and just be yourself.

[Dragonfly]

I hate apples!

I do enjoy it when someone (be they
friend, lover, or mate) invests time
in getting to know my experiences, tragedies, and
triumphs as WOC.

I would hope whomever it is DOES
do their homework on their own and
doesn't rely on said POC's to educate
and make it more comfy for you.


Hope this helps.

P.S.~~~~. Tim Wise.org

:)

Yes!! I may not have a clue but I thought that was what I was trying to do here.
Sorry everyone. A very unnecessary thread obviously... And she is encouraging me to ask more questions and I thot I was missing some hint like I was supposed to ask that one too but there were more important things for me to know and we only had a short time to visit. She won't ask me out anyway. I see that now.

[Dragonfly]

Hello again Dragonfly...

I don't think that you are dumb at all. I think that folks just got a lil' confused as to what kind of input you were looking for. I know that sometimes I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words, and sometimes it just doesn't come out right.

I think that no matter the topic of discussion, that having an open & honest line of communication is always good. If you want to ask questions, do it. There might be questions that your significant other wants to ask. Once you start talking & opening up, the conversation will just start to flow.

Best of luck to you my friend.


If you only knew how I hyperventillate and get brain freeze just thinking about her you'd understand why I am soo nervous and shy and scared that will come across as not interested... I forgot names of things yes everyday household things... How can I be expected to post coherently?? Lol

[PinkieLee]

If you only knew how I hyperventillate and get brain freeze just thinking about her you'd understand why I am soo nervous and shy and scared that will come across as not interested... I forgot names of things yes everyday household things... How can I be expected to post coherently?? Lol

hahahahaha oh honey, have no fear, we have all had those kind of freeze ups around people we are attracted to... it will get a lil' easier with time.

Just be yourself and let the dating fun begin!

[The_Lady_Snow]

You sound like a really nice person, someone
worthy of that will come along soon enough

[Chancie]

I think you are thoughtful to care about another's feelings.

I do think that talking about race can be part of a relationship if

It is interesting and important to both people.

:goodluck:

[Dragonfly]

Just wanted to say thanks to everybody!! You guys put me at ease so when she called I wasn't sputtering. And really all I wanted to know is any and all experiences concerning it but where I am personally was basically "is it ok to ask do you date my race" in those early talks... Don't wanna crush so hard on anyone who may not see me as their type whether it be how I look act talk etc.. I think some conversations between others confused me mostly. Anyway, it would be cool if others use this thread for general interacial dating convos but I don't know how that works. Don't start threads and not really ever sure where I'm supposed to put them.

[Nat]

Just wanted to say thanks to everybody!! You guys put me at ease so when she called I wasn't sputtering. And really all I wanted to know is any and all experiences concerning it but where I am personally was basically "is it ok to ask do you date my race" in those early talks... Don't wanna crush so hard on anyone who may not see me as their type whether it be how I look act talk etc.. I think some conversations between others confused me mostly. Anyway, it would be cool if others use this thread for general interacial dating convos but I don't know how that works. Don't start threads and not really ever sure where I'm supposed to put them.

I have a beautiful, delightful, thoughtful, deep cousin who had a massive crush on a black kid in high school. She felt they had so much in common and she thought he was wonderful. After many months of flirting and getting to know him, she got up the courage to ask him for a date. He turned her down - he said he didn't date outside his race. She was crushed.

But she got over it. :) I think rejection hurts, and getting your hopes up hurts, but neither one is fatal. :)

This is not an area where I feel any sort of adeptness, but I will give this a bit of a try. I think your biggest question is whether this person likes you or could be interested in you - and it sounds like your interested in this person. Whether or not this person turns out to be interested in you, I'm going to second Snowy's suggestion that you visit http://www.timwise.org and other sites that discuss antiracism and the way white people act around race. I think otherwise, if you do have the pleasure of dating this person, you may end up letting her carry a heavier burden in the relationship - of having to deal with and carry painful stuff alone at times and possibly sometimes with you as the unknowing source of it.

I knew a woman once who used to joke to me when I was in the midst of reading and learning about white privilege and racism in earnest for the first time - she would say, "I'm not going to be driving Miss Daisy to her realizations about race." Otherwords, do as much of your own work as possible so the POC you know won't feel compelled or burdened unnecessarily by your not having done it. I think part of any serious relationship is being an ally and a friend as well as a lover. It's being there, it's having the other person's back. I think it's good to be equipped.

All that being said, I don't have a lot of experience dating outside my race despite some huge crushes in the past.

I have a hard rule against dating racists, and in my last two relationships I've been really lucky in this regard. Although my current gf (who is white) hasn't done a lick of reading on white privilege and racism, she is very sensitive and empathetic and seems to have a quick and natural understanding in areas where I was and occasionally still am blind. She says she remembers as a teen hearing her mother say something racist and she said to herself, "this cycle is going to end with me." That's a personal commitment of hers and I'm thankful for it.

[waxnrope]

i am still having some difficulty with what you've expressed, Dragonfly, and I take you at your word of being shy and socially inept, so such difficulties may be a combination of factors, including my own misperceptions. So, please hang in there with me as I try to get what you are saying.

Where I pause and scratch my behind now is why you need to ask if a POC dates outside of their race. Why can't you just ask for a date? Do you not think this other person recognizes that there exists a distinction between you?

And why is it important for you to know any and all of their "experience/s"? For ME, asking this, and I don't know you, don't trust you (yet), that would cause, at the least, much discomfort. It would feel, to ME, like you were doing a survey. Am I missing something here? Let me know. Thanks.

[Dragonfly]

Ok thank you for asking publically so that anyone else reading with your interpretation and in depth analyzation can read my thoughts in response. I have never asked anyone on a date. I have never made the first move on someone I have been dating. I am 34 years old. Its not going to change just because of a slight variance in race unless I keep receiving info from supportive friends that given our area and such it really is a valid consideration. In this case since w dicussed so many likes and dislikes I am correct that it is Possible she has waaay more reason to fear hearing the same response I'm afraid of... You have no chance cause of how you were born. Maybe because so many times it is gender or sexuality differences that others have cued me by asking me first. When I said use this thread to talk about something other than why someone doesn't mention race among other things, when like you say "can tell the obvious differences" so I should be my usual passive self and let an opportunity pass me by or ask my peers for perspective somewhere we are encouraged to ask? I wasn't meaning my dates experiences or someone educate me I only meant use a useless thread I don't need because I took good advice already from a pm, that maybe others could talk about their experiences with interracial dating "on this thread" for support not driving miss daisy anything.

[waxnrope]

Uh, ok :goodluck:

[The_Lady_Snow]

Are you experiencing issues with dating outside
your race?

:/~ still confused

[Dragonfly]

Am I experiencing difficulties.... If you were to ask others around us they may say yes. But there are not enough intimate details on these posts for anyone to be able to speak for me honestly. Since the other person is my race plus another race I am not sure that is totally outside mine exactly , I was rightly worried she was not asking about my likes or limits concerning race( while was leading our "convo" thru the rest of the things people ask about like, what's your type ____? Kind of questions.) Did it just not matter to her to skip it but ask about I D related things or could it be that she was more leary to rush that question and connect other ways with race coming into our talks later when we are closer to share more sensitive experiences. I thot she wasn't asking me out and was still feeling things out before risking my rejection. I mean if I'm scared she and I connect like we do yet have no chance. I felt the same about my sexuality and I D but like I said I respond to NOT initiate so far. So in my comfort zone it was LIKELY I should have swallowed my stomach back down and made extra efforts I don't usually make. Feelling like you are gonna pass out hyperventillating in nervous crushing. Anywho it doesn't matter because as some have already said if she asks you out then she likes you. Well maybe I like her too much to take the chance some of you are not familiar with all the info.which is my reasoning for reaching out here... I mean if I can't handle a couple habitual online bullies or the occasonal judgement on me I got no business wasting anyones time and I am definately not ready to be carrying part of that load someone mentioned earlier. I personally think a thread like this has more help to offer than harm. Probably wrong about that and if my "crush" Or "future date" appreciated my consideration of how hard it may be to bring up for even a very dominant personality.... I feel I have all the support and insight I need from the person I like now... seeing that maybe I'm the only one who thought her not asking me was saying I should care enough to be a little uncomfy at least with one aspect, anyway by some miracle I'm not too big an idiot for her cause she really does like me and let me know with a convo about a hug coulda been longer or have more of them so we figured it out at the stage of this we are at. I think it helps if my possible date understands that while I have had many physical relationships I am very very limited experience with starting relationships before a friendship. Just one and it wasn't healthy.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Wow!

Color me lost:|

I really am trying to understand

I can't seem to

[waxnrope]

I am thinking of a John Lenon song, "Let it Be," right now ...

Thank you for trying to respond to our confusion.

[The_Lady_Snow]

So

I gotta be honest

You ask for help

Some of us POC did

Why are you calling out bullying

????

[betenoire]

I THINK (and I could be so wrong) that she mentioned online bullies as part of her examples of how difficult it is for her to deal with potentially awkward situations? I get the feeling she wasn't talking about anyone or anything in this thread when she mentioned bullies.

But other than that, I got nothing.

I think (and correct me if I'm wrong, Dragonfly) that the OP was asking at what juncture it is appropriate to ask "So....do you date white people ever?"

Which, again. I got nothing. Because, and maybe I'm a moron (it's so possible) but it would never occur to me to ask that. And not because white people are SOOOOOO awesome that everybody should want to date us - but because if the OP and this person she likes are friendly enough that they are talking about how they self-ID and all that jazz (which according to the OP they have been) then it's fair to say that dating white people isn't outside of the realm of possible for this mystery person that the OP digs.

[Dragonfly]

I THINK (and I could be so wrong) that she mentioned online bullies as part of her examples of how difficult it is for her to deal with potentially awkward situations? I get the feeling she wasn't talking about anyone or anything in this thread when she mentioned bullies.

But other than that, I got nothing.

I think (and correct me if I'm wrong, Dragonfly) that the OP was asking at what juncture it is appropriate to ask "So....do you date white people ever?"

Which, again. I got nothing. Because, and maybe I'm a moron (it's so possible) but it would never occur to me to ask that. And not because white people are SOOOOOO awesome that everybody should want to date us - but because if the OP and this person she likes are friendly enough that they are talking about how they self-ID and all that jazz (which according to the OP they have been) then it's fair to say that dating white people isn't outside of the realm of possible for this mystery person that the OP digs.

Yes I agree on a lot here except someone did point out something I was wondering about triggering me to reach out... It is REALLY possible where I live for someone to connect that way and discuss themself in those ways just to bond as friends. And given who I am it really scares the crap out of me to be like the wonderful cousin who invested so much time and they weren't close to being on the same page...? Anyway I don't feel attacked or bullied or anything like that and its not totally crazy for me to know exactly what me asking about this could bring. I really just like her THAT much.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Are you wanting to make friendships that are more
diverse?

[Dragonfly]

I am thinking of a John Lenon song, "Let it Be," right now ...

Thank you for trying to respond to our confusion.

Weird we are both Beatles lovers and that's exactly what I keep singing in my head!!! So true I just had a goofy thought that maybe I wasn't giving enough effort is all... Thanks!!

[Ebon]

Are you experiencing issues with dating outside
your race?

:/~ still confused

No she wants to know if the woman who is POC that she is interested in likes white ladies. So she started this thread to see if people had input on when was a good time to ask the person of interest that question. They are past that now, I think. The reason everyone was confused, was because I don't think people normally have to deal with this situation (I know I don't) so it wasn't clear what she was asking?

[Dragonfly]

Are you wanting to make friendships that are more
diverse?

I guess I don't think about that as much as I should, I mean I don't look at someones outsides and even try to know their specific race anyway so until it comes up.... so that would be hard for me to list and check it off or something to create diversity. I have a wide range of types of friends. The ones who happen to be of the "non white looking" race she is... Well they do not date my race, though willin to be great friends, do not necessarily find my race to be possible life mates.. Their answers were more limited to that viewpoint. I hoped to hear from those that do date outside their race, and their opinions on comfort levels and being a good potential date/partner.

[Ebon]

I've never dated outside of my race, I always date humans. However I have dated people that were a different color from me or have come from different cultures, even different countries. I have never had a problem, it has never been an issue. I guess I don't attract people that would even think to have to ask if I would date them because they are a certain color. I would rather not associate with people that limit themselves as far as skin color or culture goes because we won't have much in common as friends or otherwise. That could be me being narrow minded but I don't care.

[Gemme]

I've never dated outside of my race, I always date humans. However I have dated people that were a different color from me or have come from different cultures, even different countries. I have never had a problem, it has never been an issue. I guess I don't attract people that would even think to have to ask if I would date them because they are a certain color. I would rather not associate with people that limit themselves as far as skin color or culture goes because we won't have much in common as friends or otherwise. That could be me being narrow minded but I don't care.

Wait.

I'm human (AND not black?)? :poc-shocked:

Wow. :thinking:


Dragonfly,

I'm glad that you and the person you are interested in have been able to talk about yourselves and the possibility of dating. It sounds like you two have a lot to discuss, but keep in mind that there's a time and place for everything. There's no rush to have every race-related conversation right NOW. Take your time and just breathe.

You are a sweet person and I'm sure that she will see that and help you with any questions that come up along the way. :)

[Apocalipstic]

I am not shy, so bear with me please :).

Do you think it would be easier to be rejected because of skin color than because the person is just not interested in you?

I am not sure what kind of person you are attracted to, but I learned a long time ago to let people I am interested in know I am interested in a non-threatening way. No guessing games...I just ask them if they would like to hang out sometime or I ask for their email address or somehow make sure they know it's OK to ask Me out.

Because really, it does not matter who they usually date, it matters if they are attracted to you.

I would not have had/have the relationships I have had if I had not just sucked it up and made the first move. I like very masculine Butches and many of them can be a bit...well...clueless unless I make it known I like them.

[waxnrope]

Im sooo confused. Everyone is interpreting, but I got no confirmation or clarity from the OP.

[Apocalipstic]

Im sooo confused. Everyone is interpreting, but I got no confirmation or clarity from the OP.


True true, I am just not getting where skin color is the important part unless it would be easier to be rejected for a really generalized thing like skin tone rather than who she is as a person?

Tell them you like them and see where it all falls out...worst that can happen is they say no?

[The_Lady_Snow]

I am still at a loss

[Soft*Silver]

Dragonfly, if you are asking when is the right time in the course of a new friendship/relationship to ask if the person dates someone of a different color, the time is when the question needs an answer. Obviously its now.

Just ask her out. If she says yes, its because she likes you, not because of what color you are.

stop fussing. Dating is suppose to be fun. You are swooning over her. Stop looking for pitfalls and just ask her out...

[Dragonfly]

I've never dated outside of my race, I always date humans. However I have dated people that were a different color from me or have come from different cultures, even different countries. I have never had a problem, it has never been an issue. I guess I don't attract people that would even think to have to ask if I would date them because they are a certain color. I would rather not associate with people that limit themselves as far as skin color or culture goes because we won't have much in common as friends or otherwise. That could be me being narrow minded but I don't care.

I really love the way you worded this post. Thank you!

[Dragonfly]

Dragonfly, if you are asking when is the right time in the course of a new friendship/relationship to ask if the person dates someone of a different color, the time is when the question needs an answer. Obviously its now.

Just ask her out. If she says yes, its because she likes you, not because of what color you are.

stop fussing. Dating is suppose to be fun. You are swooning over her. Stop looking for pitfalls and just ask her out...

Hey its too late, and yeah I am crushing even more inspite of myself, but thank you cause you are right. No logical reason not to ask anybody I like to go out with me. Unless the convo is so amazing and deep that I'd be afraid of making it weird or uncomfy...everybody else feels a person out for more than a week before dating right? Do people date the same as back when I used to get asked on a date? The only fuss is how my screen looks better edited than it actually is.

[La Perla]

Hi Dragonfly,
I have found that honestly just adoring someone for who they are as a person, and not worrying about color and culture go a long way. When I hear the phrase "white elephant" it sounds like you expect relating to a person from another culture, to be an issue. Or that there is going to be something to work out. I sense it is out of nervousness of a new experience, but that mindset creates an unnecessary barrier. Take a deep breath and enjoy the opportunity of getting to know and appreciate the PERSON for who they are.

Everyone enjoys honest attention, and interest. Approach a friend from a culture that's new to you: with respect, listen, have an open mind an open heart, then enjoy and share. It really can be that simple. Embrace them, look for common ground.

La Perla

[nicetgurl_30]

I love this thread! It's like oB said u date ppl who know that u don't care about race or culture, yes it's nice to acknowlegde it but not hold back because of it. That's like ummm.....well give me a mintue. Okay next post I'll have something

[1PlayfulFemme]

A few pearls of wisdom, that were handed down to me when I needed them:

Every human on this planet is the same...we all have wants, needs, desires.

If you don't ask, you will never know.

If they reject you, bounce back! Don't play games! Enjoy yourself and you will find yourself surrounded by positive people - at least one of whom will think of you romantically!!

Don't make it so much about being in "head space"! Try not to think it out so much!!!

To quote Nike...Just Do It!! :) Be brave! Accept Rejection! Accept Acceptance!! Have fun! Enjoy life! Do the things you love to do and you will meet someone you are compatible with! If they don't date outside their race, move on! You can't help your skin color, as they can't help theirs, if they don't know that, it's their loss!!

Dating/Relationships are about so much more than what you see! Would you want to be with someone who had to think about the fact that you aren't matchy-matchy on the outside???

Just my 2 cents!! Good luck in life, in dating, in relationships, but most of all, with being happy & loving yourself!! :) :) :)

[Chancie]

This thread is old, so I hope it's okay to derail a bit.

I can understand why someone would choose to date someone of the same religion or the same race.

There are definitely times when I don't want to explain everything about who I am to a potential friend or date.

Here in Western Mass, being Jewish is considered a bit exotic, which wasn't true when I lived in New York City.

I believe that just as being Black in white America,

Being Jewish in Christian America is an experience that is particular to those who share the experience.

I am not saying that being Black is the same as being Jewish, but

I am saying that being Other offers challenges that others may not understand.

I am not saying that there aren't people who care to hear what it's like, and

They can put down their egos in order to understand.

I am saying that with the beauty that is the melding of culture and history comes a certain loss.

[Gemme]

...everybody else feels a person out for more than a week before dating right? Do people date the same as back when I used to get asked on a date?

I know it's been a while, but yes, often people wait quite a while before asking others out on dates. Everyone hopes for a positive reaction when asking someone out, so it makes sense to get to know the other person as much as possible before making yourself vulnerable. The process is about the same, though the actual activities may be different.

It's been a while since you posted, so I hope that you are enjoying your time with your friend.

To get back to what you said you wanted the thread to turn into....a discussion about interracial relationships and the difficulties in dating, etc...

I find that it's much easier now than in the past. I've dated Puerto Ricans, Cubans, whites, and African Americans, so I definitely don't have a set race that I prefer to partner and date. I prefer people that are kind and that I feel a connection with. It just so happens that I've been blessed enough to experience that with many different folks.

I kind of expected some of the usual racial stuff here in Texas, but I haven't seen it. It may have happened behind my back or out of my earshot, but nothing's happened that I am aware of. The interesting thing is that we have more issues with our families. Chances are, I'll never introduce Organic to my dad or stepmom. Chances are, Organic will never introduce me to his mom. They all have old school prejudice buried deep inside them and it's truly sad because we're kickass people who are loved by people they love. It shouldn't matter.

But it does.

So, in conclusion, we have more racial issues with our families than with our friends and/or with strangers.

[Gemme]

I am saying that with the beauty that is the melding of culture and history comes a certain loss.

I agree with this. Even if families try very hard to keep all the traditions and teachings alive, it's inevitable that some will fall by the wayside as time goes on.

[nicetgurl_30]

Maybe I've been lucky! But since it was made legal for differ race to marry. Why is it such a continuing problem? Our jobs, hobbies, lives brings us closer together...they makes us realize we aren't so much different. But yet do you think using terms like "jungle fever" adds to problems?

[Gemme]

Maybe I've been lucky! But since it was made legal for differ race to marry. Why is it such a continuing problem? Our jobs, hobbies, lives brings us closer together...they makes us realize we aren't so much different. But yet do you think using terms like "jungle fever" adds to problems?

I think some people, no matter where they are or what race, are always going to feed their prejudices and take pleasure in being cruel to others.

Always.

[Ebon]

I think some people, no matter where they are or what race, are always going to feed their prejudices and take pleasure in being cruel to others.

Always.

That's true baby. But I don't care I will proudly hold your hand. Unless other black people are around then I will pretend like I'm giving you directions. :|

[Gemme]

That's true baby. But I don't care I will proudly hold your hand. Unless other black people are around then I will pretend like I'm giving you directions. :|

And I you, honey.

:stillheart:

You take the next left and...

[Dragonfly]

I know it's been a while, but yes, often people wait quite a while before asking others out on dates. Everyone hopes for a positive reaction when asking someone out, so it makes sense to get to know the other person as much as possible before making yourself vulnerable. The process is about the same, though the actual activities may be different.

It's been a while since you posted, so I hope that you are enjoying your time with your friend.

To get back to what you said you wanted the thread to turn into....a discussion about interracial relationships and the difficulties in dating, etc...

I find that it's much easier now than in the past. I've dated Puerto Ricans, Cubans, whites, and African Americans, so I definitely don't have a set race that I prefer to partner and date. I prefer people that are kind and that I feel a connection with. It just so happens that I've been blessed enough to experience that with many different folks.

I kind of expected some of the usual racial stuff here in Texas, but I haven't seen it. It may have happened behind my back or out of my earshot, but nothing's happened that I am aware of. The interesting thing is that we have more issues with our families. Chances are, I'll never introduce Organic to my dad or stepmom. Chances are, Organic will never introduce me to his mom. They all have old school prejudice buried deep inside them and it's truly sad because we're kickass people who are loved by people they love. It shouldn't matter.

But it does.

So, in conclusion, we have more racial issues with our families than with our friends and/or with strangers.


Yes I have been enjoying our time very much. But no I haven't agreed to a date yet like you say my speed is to get to know someone dating is saying you want more than friends. As for the race issue, I considered asking her but before I had a chance I learned the race of some of her past partners and a few things came up while we were hanging out at a club that showed me we are on the same page in spite of our area and some of our peers. If I could go back to the convo we had about what's your "type" I would have just asked then what she experienced in our area. I just felt rude or worried its not the same as gender and sexuality and offend her. Thanks for adding your viewpoint! The more the better regardless of where I am in the relationship others may wonder how they should approach the topic with a stranger.

Ps we like each other A LOT but aren't in a rush to get " romantic" dating too fast and have amazing convo!

:rrose:

[Dragonfly]

Hi Dragonfly,
I have found that honestly just adoring someone for who they are as a person, and not worrying about color and culture go a long way. When I hear the phrase "white elephant" it sounds like you expect relating to a person from another culture, to be an issue. Or that there is going to be something to work out. I sense it is out of nervousness of a new experience, but that mindset creates an unnecessary barrier. Take a deep breath and enjoy the opportunity of getting to know and appreciate the PERSON for who they are.

Everyone enjoys honest attention, and interest. Approach a friend from a culture that's new to you: with respect, listen, have an open mind an open heart, then enjoy and share. It really can be that simple. Embrace them, look for common ground.

La Perla

So true and in a perfect world we'd all approach others with best intent and never unknowingly hurt them by breaking social norms. In situations concerning dating and racial differences, it is partly about where you live and who you and that person are friends with. It is not cured, and I just had the butterflies so bad I really needed to hear someone else say yes it is a subject that is not rude to bring up and that I shouldn't leave the burden of that question on the other person but to state that I'm not avoiding dating because of race are you and explain why I move slow. No biggie. It could have easily been a question I asked in the ptsd thread but I wanted to be specific to her on the subject. That I do date outside mine. Thanks truly!

[Dragonfly]

This thread is old, so I hope it's okay to derail a bit.

I can understand why someone would choose to date someone of the same religion or the same race.

There are definitely times when I don't want to explain everything about who I am to a potential friend or date.

Here in Western Mass, being Jewish is considered a bit exotic, which wasn't true when I lived in New York City.

I believe that just as being Black in white America,

Being Jewish in Christian America is an experience that is particular to those who share the experience.

I am not saying that being Black is the same as being Jewish, but

I am saying that being Other offers challenges that others may not understand.

I am not saying that there aren't people who care to hear what it's like, and

They can put down their egos in order to understand.

I am saying that with the beauty that is the melding of culture and history comes a certain loss.


Hi. Thanks so much for adding to the thread! I have a friend in israel who considers "jewish" his race/heritage and religion. I'm not sure if you mean to compare religiously and racially but I agree that it is ok for anyone to have a "type" life partner that best fits their priorities. At one time my friend discussed here did not date a certain race and had reasons I understand and don't judge. A wider experience and exposure to the world outside your neighborhoods unlinks stereotypes and lies from the truth. Morals and priorities are different in every culture. I'm not a judgy person just care to prevent others getting hurt.

[Dragonfly]

Are you experiencing issues with dating outside
your race?

:/~ still confused

NOPE! I'm unskilled and horribly inexperienced with dating in general.... Thanks for asking though.

[Gemme]

Yes I have been enjoying our time very much. But no I haven't agreed to a date yet like you say my speed is to get to know someone dating is saying you want more than friends. As for the race issue, I considered asking her but before I had a chance I learned the race of some of her past partners and a few things came up while we were hanging out at a club that showed me we are on the same page in spite of our area and some of our peers. If I could go back to the convo we had about what's your "type" I would have just asked then what she experienced in our area. I just felt rude or worried its not the same as gender and sexuality and offend her. Thanks for adding your viewpoint! The more the better regardless of where I am in the relationship others may wonder how they should approach the topic with a stranger.

Ps we like each other A LOT but aren't in a rush to get " romantic" dating too fast and have amazing convo!

:rrose:

Good for you! Take as long as you feel you need while the two of you are enjoying yourselves learning more about the other. And, if you think to, pop back in here from time to time to let us know how it's going for you. :)

[Dragonfly]

So here is my sign that either a) I am a complete dating "dummy" or b) she is a genius! I'm going with b cause its kinder to myself... So anyway I was saying here on this thread how we have been "getting to know each other" and "hanging out" and I got comfortable enough that I could say yes let's start dating, you know have a goal or purpose to be "more than friends" and for me the whole process is stressful and scary enough pre "date" so I have almost dreaded moving forward to the "dating" stage trying not to trigger my panic attacks and paranoia. How amazing to find someone so brilliant that they would be able to move me into "dating" so smoothly that I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE they were "dates"! So... CORRECTION: I have been dating this amazing woman, only she could know its better to just sneak it up on me like that, just wanted to share that laugh with you all. And its going even better than I'd hoped.

[tuffboi29]

Hope you don't mind me dropping bye...


I read the first post you made Dragonfly, and it reminded me very much of this ya'fa girl I had crushed on so bad in my teen years.

I was raised in...(not an out an out) racist family, but growing up I heard more than enough. As I grew older and met this girl I would get so nervous about my background...afraid something would slip or the issue of race would come up and I would be exposed as the bigots who quietly hated as they raised me. Their views and mine were not one in the same but how can one explain away the actions and comments of their family?

It took me forever to ask this young lady out. And much to my surprise and relief race was the last thing either of us thought about.
We ended up in some very comfortable discussions (about race..ect..) that naturally progressed as we went along.

Glad to see things went well for you!! :)

[Dragonfly]

Thanks for stopping by! I can relate to your experience in a big way. Racism is a brutal cycle that has brainwashing effects in childhood. Our first group outing with her friends we had something come up. Though it was her friend I winced for her, and as she handled it in her own way so did I for that situation. Had it been my friend I would have acted differently. Instead of confronting her and dragging her inside to right her wrong... I walked away and made it right with my own money. When my "date" and I next spoke we had our first convo about racism, her experience and way to handle things and such matters that I will keep personal. Suffice to say that we may be different but we handle these obstacles similarly, with the same attitude.

[Two-spirit]

Hello,
I just wanted to put my two cents in. I'm a 100% Native American woman (softbutch).I've mostly dated white woman,mostly because the areas I lived and grew up in,has mostly had a majority of white people there.
I've also dated blacks and a mexican..I had no problems dating or having others date me.My family has no problem dating other nationalities what so ever .They just want me to be happy...

[Angeltoes]

I'm very confused about this discussion. What is the thread about? Interracial dating? I definitely would as long as that person didn't expect me to start acting like them. Honestly,a lot about me screams 'total white girl.' I'm not interested in changing myself, the way I dress or the music I listen to. If we had mutual interests then color is no big deal to me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It was a discussion of sept 2012 where a white girl with social anxiety wanted to ask a poc if she dated white girls but since she has social anxiety couldn't really bring herself to the point of asking if she dated white girls (aka round about way of asking if she would be rejected before she asked).

It all ended well. She found out they had already been dating and she hadn't realized it so she didn't have to go through he agony of of possible rejection if she let her desires be known.

The end.

[job]

It seemed like she was asking when they should discuss their racial differences?.... though I didn't read the whole thing.
I personally have dated more non white than white folks and have never sat any of them down and said, let's talk about this. Obviously we're different colors, I'm super white, (as in don't really tan).
I can only think of two times that it even came up.
One was in high school when I was hanging out with this guy, (not out yet,) who had racist parents, which I wasn't used to. I mean I was used to racist parents because mine were VERY racist, but I wasn't used to talking to someone with racist parents. The problem in the situation was, where do we hang out or go to relax because neither could take the other home.
The second time was my very first girlfriend. She wanted to meet my grandparents so bad. I told her I don't think that's a good idea. (I don't speak to most of my family. Including the ones who raised me: the grandparents.) She absolutely insisted. She was so excited, "I'm going to wear a dress,"... and be like this and do that....so I said ok, set it up, and she met them. She had an awesome southern drawl and talked so sweet. I, personally thought she was so cute that day. But, they were just like, whatever. Grandpa was the real racist and didn't say one word to her. Grandma would ask her little questions and smile when she answered, but remained pretty aloof. In the end we were like, fuck 'em and that was it. I told her I thought it was really cool of her to care enough to try.
Other than those two times, there's never been an issue.

[angelface]

But I only date one type of race and that's the HUMAN race!

Obviously I have a preference for the adult female gender of the species, who rock very well the femme identity but that where my discrimination stops.
Yes there are certain likes and dislikes with reference to their character that may or may not be appealing, but to make my decision on whether to date someone solely based on their pigmentation is as shallow as the colour (aka color) on the skin.

Actually call me an International Lover :cheer:

I understand the original purpose of the thread was to ascertain whether two different skin tones would date, so I say if two people are attracted to one another...go for it!

[l'Cie]

Oh how I wish the ladies over here had your outlook Angelface.

I get overlooked totally because of my skin colour. Or maybe it's just me that's off-putting. Either way, it's actually quite disheartening to say the least :confused:

[Orema]

Oh how I wish the ladies over here had your outlook Angelface.

I get overlooked totally because of my skin colour. Or maybe it's just me that's off-putting. Either way, it's actually quite disheartening to say the least :confused:

You don't get overlooked because of your skin colour. You're overlooked because of the way others look at your skin colour.

Some call this semantics. I call it shifting the responsibility where it belongs. :)

[l'Cie]

Love me some semantics in the morning =p

Awesome spin on how to look at it. I thank you