Tell us...I knew I was...

[Tommi]

~Butch ~ Femme ~ Gay ~ Queer ~ Trans ~ Straight ~ or whichever descriptive image/s you choose :LGBTQFlag:

When did you know?

What did you do?

Tell us about your truths, your travels, travails, and trust. Tell us your story.

[Tommi]

“Tommi! Tommi! Do you want some pie.” “No thanks. I smiled at the curly headed little girl cousin. Three year olds playing in the mud. The girls were making pies. The boys were making bombs. I was making tunnels and roads for my trucks to drive through. My folks had a trucking business, so, it made sense. My cousins played contentedly in their make believe. I searched through the dirt for sticks and stones to create my great escape.

An only child, I observed that girls made mud pies and were tiny little women. I saw that boys made things that went bang, pop, smash and were tiny little men. I knew I would not grow up and be like them. I wanted to make my own roads, build bridges, pave my own way for as far back as I can remember. I knew I hated to be dressed like a girl, because, I wasn’t. Dad grumbled about me being in that tomboy phase. Gramma announced this was not a phase I would outgrow, because I was like my Mom. Gramma called me Tommi Rae, like my Uncle Donny Ray and told the world, I was her little hero, and he was our Marine.

In the summer of my fourth year, I read all of our names in the newspaper. We were going to school. I announced I would be in Kindergarten with Janet Craig, that pretty girl with long brown hair she twirled around her fingers in the sun. I said I was going to marry her. I smiled and knew I would love school and the travels to and fro.

Jackie, my high school girlfriend, with the long brown hair took the place of Janet and moved in with us. This time, I twirled her long brown hair. My bedroom became the house where she was the tiny woman and I was the…. What? Exactly what was I? Jackie called me her guy, her hero, her knight. I had rescued her from an abusive alcoholic father. Dad now called me queer. Gramma called me Tommi, and Mom. Mom said she was envious for a happy life she could never have.

Several years later my Mother met someone she loved, came out of the closet, threw my father out, and we all lived happily ever after. Was that the end of the story?

Not on your life, that was just the beginning of an adventure that carried us across the country, on the run from a jealous husband, and angry town, and the Chief of Police. You see, Jackie was his daughter, I was queer, and my Mother had stolen money from the family business to support her mistress. A true story of love, loss , hero’s and heroines in the country where we are all born free. We made that great escape to live another day and to be free and gay.

[Soft*Silver]

I must admit that who I am is simply me. Everytime I think I have finally wrangled my defining label, I prove myself wrong. I started out straigt, moved to lesbian, altered it to femme, went back to straight, was told I was really bi, determined myself to be lesbian, was told I was queer, twined myself into a straight lifestyle, two stepped into a bi relationship, became celibate...etc and so on...

I think I am hanging up the labels for awhile. All I can truthfully call myself is Femme and even that has altered lately. I never thought I would strap on but that has changed. I know alot of femmes do but that never was in my definition of femme but it is now in terms of myself.

I am not afraid of self evolution, thats for sure...

[Tommi]

Awesome softness!.

All of our stories are so different, and then we come together on the Planet and all have a connection, no matter who, what or where, as we spin along the road.

I know of folks who have been along that very same path you traveled. :cool:
Thanks for posting.

[Gemme]

Though I had childhood explorations and inclinations, I didn't put two and two together until I was in my early 20s. I came out when I was 26. My marriage ended and I began the long road to myself. I'm still on it, but I can see the layout much more clearly now. :)

[Tommi]

Gemme,
interesting and constantly evolving wonders aren't we. I know many who have married then yearn and lean another direction. In fact, I have known several * * divorcee's up close and personal.:fireman:, but that's another thread :byebye:

Thanks Gemme.

[diamondrose]

I remember feeling different and liking girls more than boys at a very young age. I came out when I was 16 years old. My mom and family were all very accepting. That was only the beginning. As I came into my late teens and early twenties, I realized there was still something missing. I never felt quite right at the local gay hangouts. I always felt something was wrong with me, because I never felt like the "norm" .The missing link was our wonderful butch-femme community! Finally home!

[Tommi]

I remember feeling different and liking girls more than boys at a very young age. I came out when I was 16 years old. My mom and family were all very accepting. That was only the beginning. As I came into my late teens and early twenties, I realized there was still something missing. I never felt quite right at the local gay hangouts. I always felt something was wrong with me, because I never felt like the "norm" .The missing link was our wonderful butch-femme community! Finally home!

WOW diamondrose..:bunchflowers:..thanks for saying that* It is great having family support.
I have heard that recently about the BFP community. In fact , we heard that a whole bunch at the Reunion in Little Rock. I guess that is why this whole BFP works so well.

[diamondrose]

WOW diamondrose..:bunchflowers:..thanks for saying that*
I have heard that recently. In fact , we heard that a whole bunch at the Reunion in Little Rock. I guess that is why this whole BFP works so well.

Thank you!!!

[princessbelle]

I love this thread and sharing of our stories. It truely makes me smile and it makes me so very thankful that we have a community here. A community to at least share our feelings and to know there are some people out there that truely do understand.

I was six, his name was Rick and all the little girls were in love with him. He liked me, a little blond girl in pigtails who loved all the things little girls were thought to love.....dolls, barbies...pink, pink and more pink.

Rick followed me around my yard and one day gave me a fish pin. I was ok with that and the other little girls were in awe that he gave me that fish pin. I really didn't care at all. However, later on that day he put his arm around me while we were sitting underneath that tree in his front yard. I punched him in the arm.

That is when i knew something was wrong. Not wrong in that little girls do go through the icky stage of not wanting to be around boys and thinking they were gross as in boy germs and all that. My knowledge came from deep within me and i remember thinking "I wish he was a girl". I will never forget that. I can still close my eyes and feel that feeling just as vivid today as i did when i was six.

I knew i was different. I knew i was a girl and loved being one but loved the tough, rugged tombois. I didn't understand being a femme until i came on these sites actually. I thought i was just an "odd" gay women that liked girly things and was even more confused than just being gay like society had taught me.. I hid many years from the outside world, but never from myself. I always knew. I always dreamed. I finally came out after years of thinking something was wrong with me.

Nothing is wrong with me.

[ravfem]

i took Health in HS because i wasn't allowed to take PE. Every day, i would sit almost holding my breath waiting for Coach Rogers to come into class. She was a little butch, maybe 5'2". But o.m.g. when she walked into class....my heart would beat a thousand times a minute and i would just about swoon, i swear!! i never, ever allowed myself to think about why she had that effect on me. i just enjoyed it.

Several years out of HS, i finally figured out i was gay while watching a music video of "Wild Nights" by John Mellencamp (he'd dropped the Cougar by then) with MeShell NdegeOcello. Every time MeShell would flash on screen, these strange things would happen to me.....new things.....yummy things! That was the first time i said to myself, "i'm gay".

i've always been attracted to butches. i tried dating a femme once....didn't last long at all. Just isn't my thing.

:hippie:

[girl_dee]

I knew I was gay from the time I wore diapers.. always chased the tomboys and liked the girls..

yup.. gay.

[bigbutchmistie]

Growing up I always knew I was different. I loved girls. They were so cute to mess with.. As a young butch, I'd pull their hair, pick them flowers, whatever I could do to get their attention :)

I enjoyed the feelings I would have for different girls. Really girly girls really made me swoon.. to smell their perfume watch them walk in heels, to watch them put their makeup on. I was so sprung. LOL By my teen years, my adopted parents had it figured out I was gay. I was banned to stay home. I had the biggest crush on my Youth Pastor. She was big and beautiful. So sexy and so femme. She would walk in the room and my jaw would drop.

I didnt have a clue as to why I had the feelings I had until I moved to Dallas/Fort Worth. And I wanted to kiss a girl so bad. I was shy, still like I am now to make the first move when I met my first girl who thank God was aggressive. She kissed me in the elevator at Northeast Mall in Hurst, Texas and dropped my knees to the ground. It felt so right. It felt so good. And I spent years in love with her. We were never together in a relationship but she was my first sexually. I wanted to marry her though. LOL And, that was the first time that I realized I really loved women. I was 18

[DomnNC]

I cannot recall a time where I thought of myself as a "girl". I'm like Tommi, I never had an interest in boys, cuz I was a boy. I had two lil girls that used to fight over me in first grade,lol, they were both cute, one a lil spitfire redhead and the other was a dark brunette. I hated being made to wear girl clothes. When "girls" were finally allowed to wear pants and shorts at school (yes, I'm that old!!) I'd sneak and carry a pair of jeans and a tshirt and change as soon as I got there, lol.

I always played with the trucks, cars, GI Joe, etcetcetc and then finally someone was born to play with the girly toys everyone would get me, my baby brother!! Yes, he's gay, I have 2 other brothers who are straight.

I've never dated a boy, never wanted to do so as they woulda made me queer, lol. I had a girlfriend in high school. I joined the Army straight out of high school, when I got to my permanent duty station she moved there with me.

This is all I've ever known, that's to be simply who I am.

[Soft*Silver]

I know this is going to sound strange but in my evolution, I now feel heterosexual. But in a lesbian way. I date masculinized people. Male Id'd butches. FtMs. CIS men. When I am in a relationship, I live a relationship patterned after traditional 50s type heterosexual norms. Clearly defined male female roles. I see myself as a lesbian who lives a heterosexual lifestyle but then I date people who ID as men or at least id with male energy. So how does that fit?

[LipstickLola]

I have always been different, the proverbial 'black sheep' (now PINK) of the family ;) Along with my dolls, I played with a metal, yellow Tonka truck that I got one Christmas. Played in the creek with the neighbor boys finding crawdads to keep in a coffee can. Wore overalls and a pixie hair cut and always had a crush on another girl. Yet when I brought my high school g/f home.......the crap hit the fan. It was 1977 in my traditional, southern, religious family, I know'd I done wrong!! Thus began the stiffling of Lola.

I married a guy that was my best friend who had been dumped by his fiance, we shared lots of the same ideals, and more importantly? the family approved! We had kids and a great life, until I got so sick that I tried to end my life......what was at the bottom? me, the real me. I'm so happy I found her in time to live the second half of my life as the person God made me to be, today, on Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for that, among many other things.

[Ebon]

I knew I was queer when I was 8 and always played husband in our game of house with my little girlfriend at the time. Then when I was 12 I wanted to marry Mariah Carey and be her husband.

[LipstickLola]

I knew I was queer when I was 8 and always played husband in our game of house with my little girlfriend at the time. Then when I was 12 I wanted to marry Mariah Carey and be her husband.

I love this story.......my cousin, who was gay, and I used to play bride and groom, he always got to be the bride!!! I miss him so much, he died of AIDS in 1987.

[Diva]

It was 1980 when I actually thought to myself, "I may be a lesbian."

At the time, I was married to a man and about 6 months pregnant. I had had an erotic dream about women...the next day, I wrote it down.....and added to it. <smile>

I held onto it for a few weeks...but then I began to get scared I would be found out and I burned the story in the wood-burning stove and suppressed it for years.

Then, in 1989, I was drug out of the closet in the worst way; but in the long run, with the kind of suppressed life I led, being drug out was the only way it was going to happen, as I was a big, fat coward.

Yes, having the courage to do it myself would have been optimal. Hindsight is 20/20, is it not?

[Cowboi]

In my mind I always felt like I was a boy. I went hunting with my Daddy. Wanted to wear my cowboy boots to church. My poor Momma always had hell trying to get a dress on me!!! LoL

I too was always the "daddy" when we played house. I can remember in grade school, when all the guys had a girlfiend, I didn't know why any of the girls didn't want me a for their boyfriend.

[katsarecool]

I always felt different. A bit of a tomboi with girly girls likes as well. I too loved to play with trucks in the dirt with my brother. I hated getting dolls for gifts. Once my brother and I played Cowboys and Indians and we hung Chatty Cathy from the rafters in the basement. She was our hostage but she talked too much. Boys were for playing on a baseball team with and good for best friends but nothing more. I could never feel comfortable with them in that sexual way and when they tried it as I entered puberty it made me furious!

I had a hard time finding my niche as there was not anyone around that I was attracted too; spent many years not knowing any butches. I finally met one when I was 18, married and very pregnant. When she looked at me I thought I would faint!!! And began being very unsatisfied with my life at that point. I had three kids by the time I was 25. At 29, I woke up one morning and realized that if I was forced to live this way much longer I would end my life. Actually had it planned out. But then I looked at my young children and realized that I could not do that to them.

So I stayed married, even divorced and married again. Numbed myself down for many years till my kids were almost grown. I left them in the care of their father (two already graduated and the youngest almost there) and moved to another state with the intention of making my marriage really work or come out. I never felt close to those two men. There was never any true intimacy. I feel bad about that now. They deserved better than I was able to give them. And though divorced for a long time both men are still angry at my deception. If they only knew that my deception caused me greater pain than they could ever understand. But still I have regrets that I hurt them.

So I finally came out, took sometime to explore who I was and what kind of person I was really attracted to; but I knew it just took awhile to acknowledge it.

Another thing that kept me in the closet for so long and now sounds totally stupid was the myths about lesbians. That you could not have a normal life with family. That you could not have the house with the white picket fence. That all lesbians were immoral, were alcoholics and drug addicts too. And that lesbians could not have a monogamous relationship. So I denied self again till I began the process of coming out and became involved in a large community of lesbians and realized how normal they were and I was so happy.

It took another while to find a butch woman; my first lover who was much younger than I. I was (and still am) in love with her. It was a wonderful first experience as she was so good to me. Unfortunately, she was an alcoholic and refused to stop drinking when I gave her an ultimatim. I wish it had turned out differently because I have not had such a close intimate relationship any where close to that level since.

BTW Butches can still get my heart fluttering and cause me to blush at this ripe ole age!!! k.d.lang can park her shoes under my bed any ole time.

I think my coming out process would have been much shorter and easier if I had lived in the North or at least a large city. I spent most of my life living in small towns in the SE part of the US. So the community was so closeted and scattered. Another note is that lesbians who do not look gay have a hard time connecting and attracting butches especially if they are shy. And I am.

Tommi, great topic and I am loving reading the coming out stories!

[pajama]

Hmmmm. Well I can remember pre-puberty practicing with my two best friends. Kissing and rubbing on each other. Honestly I don't remember being attracted to them, just more practice for when we would have boyfriends.

In High School I enjoyed fantasies about Coach Oldacre (male) and Mrs. Linton. Mrs. Linton was my senior year and those fantasies were very sexual. I should also mention that she was very feminine and very controlling. With long nails and low-cut tops. Now that pattern has continued into my adulthood. LOL

I honestly thought at the time that it was a stage I would outgrow. Not because it was bad or because anyone told me that, just because I figured it was my sexual curiosity. By this time I was having sex with boys and liked it quite a bit.

I didn't have my first sex with a woman until I was 19 and it was just an opportunity. Nothing romantic or love, etc.

I still actually consider myself bi, just because I don't find men offensive or anything. But as I have progressed and dated women mostly, I no longer feel comfortable dating men. The social aspect of it, not the physical. I like being a gentleman outside the bedroom. I like taking care of my girl, opening doors, sending flowers, etc. Most guys aren't too into that. LOL

So that's my story. Nothing very exciting...but probably a lot confusing.

A

[cara]

i knew and acknowledged i was kinky long before i ever acknowledged i was lesbian/queer. i have read journal entries from my teenage years where i was wondering about my sexual orientation but honestly didn't know there was any other option than "straight" for me until i left home at 18 and went to college. my teenage years were full of confusion, depression, anxiety, and subtle rebellion in the form of self-given piercings and tattoos.

i wasn't interested in dating in junior high or high school, so my first date was my high school senior prom and i went with a male friend and classmate. i went on one other date with a male my freshman year of college, lost my virginity to a male when i was a sophomore in college, then didn't date or do anything intimate with anyone else until i was 22 and living/studying in Edinburgh, Scotland. It was there that i met the woman i first kissed at a rugby tourney on the Isle of Mull. We went on a few dates and slept together a few times before i came home. After i that, i met my first girlfriend, who was from Memphis, TN and we had a long-distance relationship for nearly two years. i came out to my parents when i was 24.

8 or 9 years and a few more relationships later, here i am at 33 and fully knowing and accepting myself as a queer/lesbian, kinky, femme. It has been a tough road but totally worth it. Obviously, there's a lot more to my story but this is the short version. I live my life as an open book so if there is anything you want to ask me, feel free! :)

Thanks, Tommi!

:stillheart:

[Tommi]

I have always been different, the proverbial 'black sheep' (now PINK) of the family ;) Along with my dolls, I played with a metal, yellow Tonka truck that I got one Christmas. Played in the creek with the neighbor boys finding crawdads to keep in a coffee can. Wore overalls and a pixie hair cut and always had a crush on another girl. Yet when I brought my high school g/f home.......the crap hit the fan. It was 1977 in my traditional, southern, religious family, I know'd I done wrong!! Thus began the stiffling of Lola.

I married a guy that was my best friend who had been dumped by his fiance, we shared lots of the same ideals, and more importantly? the family approved! We had kids and a great life, until I got so sick that I tried to end my life......what was at the bottom? me, the real me. I'm so happy I found her in time to live the second half of my life as the person God made me to be, today, on Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for that, among many other things.

:loveBFP:

Thanks for sharing your story. It is amazing how many years we spend living for other's. Happy you found "her" and Happy Day after Thanksgiving.

:pile: Appreciate all of the posts here. Everyone of us makes this a beautiful tapestry of life, and am so glad we came together, even if just to hit enter.

Did you hear that??? It is the Pumpkin Pie in the fridge. I hear it calling me to the kitchen.:mohawk:. for breakfast?

[Tommi]

I know this is going to sound strange but in my evolution, I now feel heterosexual. But in a lesbian way. I date masculinized people. Male Id'd butches. FtMs. CIS men. When I am in a relationship, I live a relationship patterned after traditional 50s type heterosexual norms. Clearly defined male female roles. I see myself as a lesbian who lives a heterosexual lifestyle but then I date people who ID as men or at least id with male energy. So how does that fit?

Fits fine for me and mine/relationships.

Love,
Ricky ;)
http://www.posters.ws/images/847349/ricky_nelson.jpg

[FlowerFem]

Looking back now, I was always attracted to strong women, but I didn't know what the attraction was when I was young. I dated boys all throughout my teens and the first year of college. I never even considered a women or even knew it was an option for me. I knew noone that was gay, I had no gay friends (that I knew of) and it just wasn't a part of my life, I had no exposure.
But I started meeting more people at parties and in my classes made friends with a few lesibans , I wouldn't call them butch really, but they were athletes. Then through them, I met this butch who played softball and basketball, and that was the end of my sheltered life,as I knew it .

[diamondrose]

I know this is going to sound strange but in my evolution, I now feel heterosexual. But in a lesbian way. I date masculinized people. Male Id'd butches. FtMs. CIS men. When I am in a relationship, I live a relationship patterned after traditional 50s type heterosexual norms. Clearly defined male female roles. I see myself as a lesbian who lives a heterosexual lifestyle but then I date people who ID as men or at least id with male energy. So how does that fit?

I feel the same way

[Starbuck]

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.

[katsarecool]

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.I think so many of us can relate to your coming out story!! Wishing you well and lots of happiness in your journey!

[Tommi]

Starbuck

Thanks for your post Starbuck.Sounds like this time you found someone that wasn' abusive, so, that has been safer for you, even though you are left unfulfilled. Maybe he will meet someone and move on, or, you could just move on. :pacman::ambulance: I am not a good one for love lorn advice. I screw up wet dreams. Best wishes, and I'm glad you found the Planet.

[WolfyOne]

Wow, reading these stories makes me remember my own journey. As a kid, I was always a tomboy. Growing up in an era where children were sheltered, I had no idea what gay or homosexual really was. Now that I'm older and look back, I'd call myself naive back then. I dated boys because it was expected of me. I never had sex with them until just before I married at 17 1/2. What I found out was I didn't like sex with a man. I found it disgusting and it hurt. After about 6 months and me avoiding the bedroom when he wanted it, made me realize something was wrong. A year into our marriage, I was introduced to 4 women in a country band. I found myself instantly attracted to one of them and couldn't pinpoint why. From that day on, I had a lot of self exploration. I finally walked out on my marriage. It was through those women that I was able to figure out who I really was because one of them was kind enough to let me stay in her spare bedroom. So many times the women called me a baby butch and I knew not of what they spoke. At 19, I finally sat down with a good friend and a bottle of wine. We talked for hours and she brought out the person I was meant to be for the rest of my life. I have never once looked back, no reason for self doubt. I am who I am and I guess I always was this way but the way I was raised made me deny it because I didn't understand it way back then. I will agree that the intimacy I share with women is so much more than what I shared with a man. Thank the powers that be for self exploration along with good friends and wine.

[dixie]

I had kind of an odd upbringing, so in some ways I'm surprised at how I turned out and some ways not. Allow me to explain (this might be kinda long, sorry...)

I am a poster child for the effects of antibiotics while on birth control...lol My mother did not want kids, eventhough my dad did. When I was born, my mother decided that if she was stuck with a kid, she'd rather have a boy. My dad was ok with this since that meant I would be his little sidekick. So...I was pretty much raised as a boy. I wore boy clothes (even little suits and ties), had a short "boy" haircut, and was called "Jake" or "Chris". (My name is Crystal.) My dad would still buy me some Barbie dolls, but for the most part all my toys were tonka trucks, Hot Wheels and GI Joes. I begged for an Easy Bake oven but never got it because that was a "sissy" toy. I played football, wrestled, went hunting and fishing with Dad, drag raced and did all the "guy" stuff. We still went to church on occasion, so I looked really darn funny in those big poofy Easter dresses with that short hair. (I also HATED those damn dresses...lol) It wasn't until middle school that other members of the family gave my folks a hard time about it, so they started buying me a few girl clothes and makeup, and got me to grow my hair to shoulder length. By 10th grade I had embraced my "female" side (much to my mother's displeasure) and became a definite raging teen girl...lol I was still a tomboy, but I wore skintight jeans, makeup and grew my hair to my waist. As I've aged, I've noticed that (especially the last couple years) I get more and more feminine. In a way, I enjoy some aspects of it, but at the same time I hate it and feel kinda torn inside about it.

I still have some issues that stem from this. I am not really comfortable being with "the girls". I feel extremely self-conscious being around other feminine women, whether they be femmes, lesbians or hetero. I do not feel as though I belong. I do not feel as though I am one of them. I have hardly any close feminine friends because of it. I am much more comfortable hanging out with butches, transguys and cis males. I literally still feel like "one of the guys". Sometimes I do wonder how I ended up looking and IDing the way I do, instead of more butch or even trans.

Ok...how all that ties in to the subject at hand... I sometimes wonder if being raised as a boy started my fascination (love) of females, which began at a very early age. In elementary school I was always sneaking off with the cute lil girls and kissing them behind the building...lol By high school, I had "secret" girlfriends while I was still dating guys. My cousin was pretty much ran out of my town when he came out in his 30s, and after seeing how devastating that was to him I swore it wouldn't happen to me. Also, being raised in a strict religious family, I was afraid of what they would think of me, or if they would disown me. I knew that it was required of me to be a "normal" girl and date "normal" guys. So that's what I did. I even married one and had a son. Didn't take very long to figure out that I couldn't keep doing that to myself. I was miserable and hated every minute of it, eventhough it wasn't really a "real" marriage. (He knew that I was into women, and he was bi himself.) I finally came out, and was very surprised at the fact that my family was very accepting of it. Most of them said they had known all along.

From there I started trying to discover more about who I truly was, and what I was looking for. I called myself bi for a little while, because I thought that's what it meant for my situation. I had been married and had a son, but I was attracted to women. The more folks I met, books I read, forums I went to...I realized that my definition of self "evolved". (I also discovered the b/f world, trans folks and many other folks I didn't realize were out there.) I wasn't actually bi because I had zero attraction to cis males. I wasn't really a lesbian because that just didn't seem to fit, and felt kind of like a box (although sometimes I still use that term because it's easier to get the point across to those who are not familiar). I identify as a femme sometimes because it's kinda close to who I am, how I look, etc. I joke and say I'm 51% Femme/49% Butch cause it is sometimes a battle raging within me. I do not put others into a box. I do not discriminate in my dating choices (other than cis males), but I have discovered that the best partner for me is someone who is fluid (and confident) in their sexuality as well. Mainly, I'm just queer. Simple (and as complicated) as that.

Sorry. I guess I wrote all that because of the way the OP worded their first post. I tried to cover when (and how) I discovered who i am... :)

[Tcountry]

I know this is going to sound strange but in my evolution, I now feel heterosexual. But in a lesbian way. I date masculinized people. Male Id'd butches. FtMs. CIS men. When I am in a relationship, I live a relationship patterned after traditional 50s type heterosexual norms. Clearly defined male female roles. I see myself as a lesbian who lives a heterosexual lifestyle but then I date people who ID as men or at least id with male energy. So how does that fit?

YESS!! only opposite...I Want a 50's housewife...*grin*

[T D]

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.

Except for, perhaps, a trans man ;)

I knew I was different as early as kindergarten. I didn't know what it meant then, and I can tell ya that anything queer wasn't something people talked about in the 50's. It's been a long road. Amazingly I probably had a total of 2 dates with males my entire life (in high school). I've never had sex with one, came out actively as a lesbian around 1970, and have really viewed myself more male than female for the past 20+ years.

And as my mom put it, I'm now going to be an old short man :|
Which certainly has me wondering........... about a lot.

Some things are just a work in progress ;)

[Glenn]

Lifelong Stonebutch. Here's my story: I fell in love with my gorgeous babysitter Cookie. She was an Angel. When I was 6, I was the leader of our local bois gang. Once in awhile, a hott lil grrl from a local tea party group would catch me and makeout with me:) Upstaires, a Butch-Femme couple befriended my parents:) They'd scoop this baby stonebutch up every weekend and drive me to the wilds of Michigan where the Butch owned a resort and the Femme owned a restaurant. I ate great, and the butch taught me everything from driving a motorboat to shooting:) They broke up when I was 15. I never dated, still hung out with the local bois, but I had several crushes on school girls. Finially, I wanted to meet one, so what better way to do it than start an all female hard rock band. Then I met her when I was 18. My first marriage. She was my drummer. That lasted only 7 years because I was away alot on business and she cheated. Well, I mourned for a couple of years, then I met the woman I was to be faithfully married to for over thirty years at a local Lesbian community center. Overall, it's been a good journey here, and it's still not over yet :)

[Starbuck]

I think so many of us can relate to your coming out story!! Wishing you well and lots of happiness in your journey!


Thank you so very much for your encouraging words, katsarecool!

[Starbuck]

Starbuck

Thanks for your post Starbuck.Sounds like this time you found someone that wasn' abusive, so, that has been safer for you, even though you are left unfulfilled. Maybe he will meet someone and move on, or, you could just move on. :pacman::ambulance: I am not a good one for love lorn advice. I screw up wet dreams. Best wishes, and I'm glad you found the Planet.

Tommi,

Thanks so much for your kind words. It is my true wish that he could find someone to move on to, that way he wouldn't feel so "left out". But either way, I am in the process of moving on like I said in my original post, I am miserable in my current living situation.

[SimpleAlaskanBoy]

Fell in love with my Senior best friend when I was 14 & a freshman. Of course, she was straight, but at the time that didn't matter. Dated a coupla guys before that, but it didn't go very far.
"Came out" to my parents at 18 as bi.Didn't really see myself that way, but I thought it would be easier on my mom to take.
Spent the next few years trying to figure out where I fit in. Was I butch, femme, andro? I tried a lot of id's but none of them fit right. Then I found out about transmen. I read a lot. Struggled a lot. Realized that, even though I didn't know ever since I was a kid (I have a chronic health problem I was born with and was in and out of the hospital a lot) and enjoyed Barbies and Hot Wheels, I was a guy. It sure would explain the fact that I was uncomfortable with my body after it hit puberty the first time!
Came out to my mom again at 23, while she was in another city/state tending to my younger brother who just had major surgery ( I sure have great timing!) Started to realize a renewed interest in men. Struggled.
Started T about 3-4 years ago. Like the changes it's made to my body, totally prefer "Sir" over "Ma'am" in public but still hate the shot.
Slept with a guy, realized I liked it and that was okay...that it probably had to do with the fact I was comfortable in my own skin for the first time in many years...it also helped it wasn't a creepy older man who are what I seemed to attract my first puberty around.
Id as bisexual now, although it's not exactly something I want to share with my mom. Prefer relationships with women and something a little less than that with men when I am single.
Complicated but then my mom has always said I take the hard road, on everything!

~SAB

[asphaltcowboi]

ahh my family told me when i was very young that i was diffrent. so i grew up being who ever i wanted to be .. be it GIJO or roy rodgers i lived as i felt and it was ok then in my teens i stressed about coming out to my family cause i never new what any of the words (gay,lez,fag)ment. lol so when i did it wasnt news to them other then my older bro saying you just now realizing this?.. stressed for no reason!

[cuddlyfemme]

I pretty much knew I was gay when I was in high school but in my Senior year of hs, I fell in love with a good friend who was also gay. I didn't know. I also knew I was a Femme when I was really girly and didn't fit into the "lesbian" catagory and the friend that I fell in love with explained it to me. Coming out to my family was hard and for a long time my mom wouldn't have anything to do with me, my brother, dad and sister had a hard time with it but came around much sooner. How I realized I was Stone is a whole different story

[JAGG]

I was born this way. Never had any other attraction , only women and only femme women. Only liked boys clothes, boys toys and sports . Nothing about being a girl appealed to me. I didn't know I was gay, because I didn't know there was a word for it. I dreamed about girls. I have never had a dream about anything but women. Hahah I can't even think straight when I sleep.

[Rook]

I think I've known all my Life, however, I did not know what it was called per se until I turned 13 and some kid called me "fuckin' Queer".
I've been a "tomboy" since I was practically 3 years old..
There wasn't a Tree I couldn't climb, and yes, I even climbed walls indoors...
I had a nifty trick to climbing up where there were Doors, it always freaked my parents.
My fave bikes were BMX, toys? Tonka, He-man, Hot Wheels..
I despised Dresses/Skirts..
I constantly was in fistfights in the playground for whatever reason, either the playground bully was tiresome for me, or some kids didnt let me play cuz I was "just a stupid girl"..
I did gloat, often, when I was welcome to play House, and I had the role of Daddy, always.
At first, it was wonderful cuz I could make believe I had the Best mo'fo car in the 'hood...
Later on, it was because I could kiss the popular beautiful girl with honey-brown eyes...French kissies were her fave -efg-
Not quite mine, yet{I wasn't fond of drool...still aint :blink:}...
One night, my brother and I were "peeping" at a house where the lady didn't bother playing modest..
We climbed on the basketball's post, while we were being evil little shits, my brother said "Why are you peeking? You're a girl, she's a girl..."
My response was "I dunno, I just like girls..Alot, they're very pretty, besides, I could ask u the same thing, Why are you peeking?"
My cousin, however, was drop-dead gorgeous {still is}, she took it all to a whole new level of sensuality, and yes I know it should be gross, but then she wasn't "blood"..
I believe we were 14..
She's still in the closet, but man was she ever jealous..
Throughout the years, every time I brought a new "friend" to the Family Gatherings, if looks could kill, both my girl and I would've been Dust...
By 16 I "discovered" the word Lesbian, thanks k.d.lang.
By the time I was 17, I was introduced to the word "stone butch", thanks leslie feinberg...
In high School, I met a girl, that , I swear, Everything around me just, disappeared and there was only Her..
I don't say I heard birds chirping and music, because that's cliche...
We were together everywhere, she'd sit right behind me, just to comb and braid my hair{I had very long hair, in the closet}, that alone had everyone whispering.
In the Mosque, as well, another girl had me crushing intensely..
School fights were more "serious" at this point, but then I was doing rather well in Shotokan...
By the time I "came out" to family and friends, some said "I knew it !!!", some said "I had my suspicions", others condemned me to hell...
My mother felt hurt for awhile, after all I did hide things from her..
I was scared shitless when I came out to her, I had recently met with, and had a bad case of infatuation, a friend of my brothers who was also Butch..Hy was kicked out of hys house, hy shacked up with friends and random girlfriends..
My brother assumed it was a phase, that I hadn't met "the man of your dreams"..
I cut my hair, a Fade, and yeah you could knock both my mother and girlfriend over with a feather.
Not in a good way...
My hair took me at least 1 hour to fix, fuck that...
I gave it all to "locks of love"{I have/had a few relatives with Cancer}..
I think that was the only consolation for 'em...
Every time Officials ask me "single, Married, Divorced, widow?", I often wanna say "Divorced" but then, I was never married legally...
I did try once, and it didn't quite work..
"divorced"
"date of divorce?"
"umm...."

so, yeah, that's the short version of it all...
:mohawk:

[Nat]

~Butch ~ Femme ~ Gay ~ Queer ~ Trans ~ Straight ~ or whichever descriptive image/s you choose :LGBTQFlag:

When did you know?

What did you do?

Tell us about your truths, your travels, travails, and trust. Tell us your story.

Looking back, I know I had crushes on girls my whole life but didn't frame it that way in my head, and I was also kinda boy-crazy. In 8th/9th grade, I had a boyfriend that I most definitely loved and I thought he was infinitely cool - definitely the coolest guy in my town (in my own estimation) and also beautiful and tragic. But even while in that relationship, I wrote a poem about a girl in my gym class. There was nothing in the poem to indicate the gender of the person it was about, but within about 20 minutes of writing it, I started asking myself what it meant and the only answer I had to that was to tear it up and throw it away.

My boyfriend and I had broken up by 10th grade, and I'd also realized that flirting with girls was way more fun then vying with them for male attention. Because of some trauma in my own life and some really sad and screwed up events regarding the first boyfriend, I imagined I was no longer capable of loving another person. I was very numb for about a decade afterward. I did think I was probably gay, but I was just drifting through life. I flirted with receptive straight girls, I dated men I couldn't bring myself to care too much for.

I came out to my aunt and a few friends when I was 19, and I was pretty sure then, but intimidated. Also, I wanted a wedding, I wanted a kid. Met my ex-husband when I was 19. He was beautiful - he looked a bit like jude law - and he had a gentle, perceptive, calming, feminine nature. I told him I was probably gay (and I thought he probably was too really). Ended up eventually marrying him while at the same time having a huge crush on my straight best friend. That was nothing though compared to the crushes I started getting on lesbians within a few years of getting married. I left him in May 2005 and by September I had realized I was gay for sure. Then I came out (and into this community) and ended up trying to re-figure all that out because so many of the people I was most attracted to were male-identified and I thought that meant maybe I wasn't a lesbian after all. And then there was my own gender experience of feeling bigendered and then coming out about all that. yadda yadda. So then again I wasn't sure if I was a lesbian or what.

But then I was in California during prop 8, and I began thinking about the fact that however I personally identify my gender and/or however the person I'm with identifies their gender, I'm a lesbian. I'm female-bodied, I prefer to partner with those who have bodies designated female. I prefer to live an out life. I would not be willing to closet myself or disappear my past or my truth if a partner transitioned. I'm not willing to closet myself by using male pronouns regarding my partner when doing so would communicate to others that I am in a straight relationship. If my current partner decided she wanted to transition, I would be supportive - but I would not allow my own identity to be subsumed by it.

So I guess I figured out I was a lesbian at 14, at 19, at 27 and at 30. And then the times between were more exploratory and processing of more data - but during those times I thought I was probably bisexual or pansexual or queer or - if there were a term for it - attracted to a range of people who tend to have atypical gender experience or presentation. If I put all identities aside and just looked at attraction, I would say I'm probably a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale. But when it comes to capacity to love, I think I'm more of a 5.5. I feel like my sexuality has evolved over the years - that it hasn't been stagnant - and that I was more attracted to guys (especially feminine guys) as a teen than I am as an adult. I think it's normal for sexuality to evolve over time, at least for some people. But then I wonder how much the slow shedding of internalized homophobia has had a role in that evolution.

http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/resources/images/rating-scale.jpg


I figured out I was a femme during a gender crisis in 2007. :) Though I still also think of myself and sometimes refer to myself as bigender, I have never put aside the femme identity since I finally came to own it.

[Tommi]

......
. .... But then I wonder how much the slow shedding of internalized homophobia has had a role in that evolution.

.....
Thank you for your entire post Nat. That sentence above just jumped up and shouted hello to me. *some folks don't like the terms/labeling/definitions below, but they are used in conversation, not judgment).

I have met and loved many wonderful "straight" women in my journey. I identified as male early, and always have been with those with feminine traits. Whether straight single, married, divorced, with and without children. Some had never been with anyone, celibate, because they preferred not to be with bio-men, and knew being gay would surely send them to hell. Well, I say, Honey, your'e not going to hell...

Many said that had it not been for homophobia in the family, community, society, they would have been with a bio-female much earlier.

My longest relationship brought with it the blessing of a daughter who we raised together. She grew into a beautiful,deeply caring, and loving women and married a USAF Sargent. I am now a proud Grandparent of Dustin Bradley and Trinity Hope, two amazingly smart, and bestest kids on the planet.

We parted ways after over almost 20 years together, because she found a God that said ....homosexuality was a sin!. We are friends and we will always be Leia's parents & the Grandparents.

.Ymyo4e_sjwY

(some folks don't like the terms/labeling/definitions above, but they are used in conversation, not judgment).

[Sachita]

4th grade I had a teacher that was really pretty. I didnt understand what was happening at the time but I knew I liked being near her and smelling her perfume. I had no interest in boys, at all. By 6th grade I still had a crush on my 4th grade teacher and often came up with excuses to see her. I climbed ropes and got a funny sensation between my legs. As I climbed towards the top I clenched my thighs imagining myself wrapped around her with my head shoved between her breast. I am pretty sure they were orgasms because I was addicted to them & climbing those ropes until my best friend Patty showed me how to masturbate. Then I showed my step sister. We talked about being with boys and what we would do but we never did. We just practiced on each other. lol

I dated a few boys and even got married. I thought maybe I was bi. I cheated on my husband with girls until he finally say me down and told me I was a lesbian. Deep down I knew this but it seemed too hard to be gay. There were years i didnt want to be queer and fought it but then my libido would go into overdrive and sex with a man wasn't the same.

When I was 26 I fell madly in love with her. She was a masculine and feminine. We fought, we fucked, we had the most unreal passion I think I've ever had. I knew my life would never be the same.

[Lady Pamela]

Ok..before I tell you my tale..you need to know i was a straight laced lil mormon girl who did nothing that would make me go to hell..lol And the words Gay,Butch or Lesbian..were never spoke in my home. So I didn't know what they mean't..Nor do I ever recall now meeting one..ha

Ok my first crush was at 3..I was at the public swimming pool and seen this woman walked out as though she was a model..lol That one ..in secret of course..stayed into my head for quite sometime...that was untill Olivia Newton John presented herself..lol OMG she was the bee's Knee's in my little world..ha

When I was 15 the first time a REAL girl kissed me ..I responded by smacking her...oops..It shocked me so bad I didn't know what to do...but later made up for it...lol

The first time I met a butch..I was like omg what is that?..Kinda freaked my lil world out...she had this huge growth in her back pocket..with a hanging chain..pocket knife and a mullett..not to mention ..a leather biker jacket..lol
Btw, 20 years later...I spent seven years with that person...smiles And we are still friends.
Needless to say I am not in hell...but I sure thought it would have put me there when I was little.

My first long term relationship with a female was at 21 though...before that I was still doing what I call the mormon shuffle..YOU SHOULD BE MARRIED TO A MAN OR YOUR DAMNED..that is another story as well..ha

[Tommi]

Lady Pamela,
What fun...Yep--those butch's will knock your socks off,and then, rub your feet.... Glad you found the lifering at the end of the rope. :bouquet::2butch:

[always2late]

I grew up in an strict Italian Catholic home. There were things that were never spoken of, much less acknowledged. I was raised in a family with clearly defined gender roles and, like most of the women in my family, I was raised with the expectation that I would eventually fill my assigned role, that of wife/mother. I always knew that something was a bit off, for lack of a better word or explanation. I knew that the role I was being groomed for did not quite fit. When you are part of a huge family, your friends, the people you spend the most time with, are usually your relatives. I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling when I even acknowledged the feelings. I didn't know who to ask, where to go, who to talk to, so I suppressed it all.

In my teen years, I dated a lot of boys. I suppose that I was trying to find the one that would make this life I was expected to lead feel "right". In my early 20s, I met someone who made me laugh and who I shared some common goals with, and I figured that was the best I could hope for. I got married and stayed married for 10 years. The marriage was not a happy one, for many reasons, but I'd made the commitment and I thought it was my duty to honor it, no matter how wrong it felt. I think that there was some guilt there on my part too, guilt that I'd somehow duped someone into marrying me even though I knew I would never feel the way I should for them.

It was several years into my marriage that I started to realize who I was. Just a glimmer mind you, but there all the same. I'd gone out with a friend, it was her co-worker's birthday, and she was meeting up with a group of people at a bar in the city. One of her co-workers was the first butch I'd ever met...and what a revelation THAT was! It was an "ah ha, so THIS is what I've been missing" moment if ever there was one. Throughout the entire night, I kept sneaking glances and trying to stop my heart from skittering out of my chest. She was the kind of person that would touch you when she spoke, and every time she touched my arm, or even met my eyes, my brain stuttered to a stop. I only ever saw her that once, its been over 20 years since, and although her name escapes me now, I can still remember what she looked like. Pivotal moments, I've found, stay with you forever.

I would like to say that after that night I came crashing out of the closet wrapped in a rainbow flag....but I didn't. Some habits, especially those created in denial, are very hard to break. It was only after my son was born that I realized I could no longer live the false life I'd made for myself. Maybe I could live trapped in the lies and denial I'd so carefully woven together over the years, but he didn't deserve to be held hostage to my bad decisions. When he was a year old, I left his father and stepped out of the familiarity to begin venturing into the unknown.

As a suddenly single mother, my social life was essentially nonexistant, but I didn't really mind. I was still working things out in my head, breaking down and rebuilding, trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged. My first post-heterosexual relationship did not last long. It was a fledgeling effort...and like most things that burn hot, it burned fast and was over almost as soon as it began. I will, however, always be thankful for it. It was the final puzzle piece snapping into place to create something whole.

Even after that first, I still hadn't come out to anyone, not family or friends, but I knew it was only a matter of time. Strangely enough, the first person I told was my sister-in-law. She's been part of our family so long that she is more a sister than an in-law. I suppose that telling her was my way of dipping a toe in the water to see how cold it was, and how cold it could get. She, to my great relief, was incredibly supportive. It was she who actually told my brother, who then called me to tell me that I was his sister, that he loved me and nothing could ever change that.

I came out to the rest of my family, all 200+ of them, at my cousin's wedding, when I brought my very butch, head shaved, ambiguously gendered, now ex-girlfriend as my guest. Hell, if you're gonna go....go big. ;)

[Tommi]

I grew up in an strict Italian Catholic home. There were things that were never spoken of, much less acknowledged. I was raised in a family with clearly defined gender roles and, like most of the women in my family, I was raised with the expectation that I would eventually fill my assigned role, that of wife/mother. .....

.....I came out to the rest of my family, all 200+ of them, at my cousin's wedding, when I brought my very butch, head shaved, ambiguously gendered, now ex-girlfriend as my guest. Hell, if you're gonna go....go big. ;)



Yes, you did it in a big way, and I don't think it was always2late.Thanks for letting us know that you survived that machismo upbringing. My Ex stoll can't say the word Gay around her family, of similar backgrounds. Glad you are here and now and not 2 late.
Tommi

[Tommi]

I recalled having a sofa bed in "our " house in case my girl's relatives dropped in, and all of a sudden we had to each have a bedroom. Rushing down the hall opening it up, and throwing clothes around the room. My partner could not be gay. Her family would disown her. Well, they did because of U/us, and it wasn't the sofabed's fault. :3butch::boxers:

Finding their voice. Today, I met someone who just came out to her family at 45. She was telling me how good she felt to go visit home at Thanksgiving with her partner at her side.

For 5 years they told the families that they were 'just roomates". She said how free she feels now, wished she had done it years ago, because the hiding was heavy. The family accepted, said they always knew, and she said her partner just cried and cried, because her family never would accept her.

Life can be a bitch, and ...then ya die. So, put on a happy hat and dance.:jester: Looking at the damn green plaid sofa bed in my living room-->Dissolution and sepearation of furniture: I got the damn sofabed we never slept in. I AM Getting rid of it. Who needs two couches in the living room, when it's just you...and two cats.