Lesbian bed death?

[Kobi]

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.

[girl_dee]

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.








I guess I don't see the correlation with this *syndrome* and lesbianism...this could happen in any relationship.

Medical problems and stress are just the beginning, there are a host of other reasons why people lose interest, most of which I feel are personal between the two partners.

Once certain damage is done, the sex interest drops... I have to feel I am desired and more important than anything else in order to have interest. In this day and age, between addictions including the internet, and everything else being more important, intimacy and creativity in the bedroom go down the drain.

Gotta make each other a priority in life....

Just my .02 worth.

[DapperButch]

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female


The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

------------

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.

[bigbutchmistie]

First off let me say I have never experienced this for myelf. But have watched friends who are coupled do so...

For me, I believe sex is a part of intimacy with one's partner. I I cant make love with my partner, then for me I dont think I could be with someone.

I have watched a friend stay with a woman for years and years without any sex just cause she loved her. The woman stayed severely depressed and one day, my friend couldnt take it any more and left.

I think we are all different in what we will accept and what we wont. As I stated above, I cannot imagine not making love, no intimacy. Not expresssing that love.

Like Audrey Hepburn said, I was born with an incredible need for affection and an even greater need to give it.

If I was in a relationship if that was gone, so would I... I would still remain a friend. But, I would require more than just that.... Just my two cents

[iamkeri1]

I never thought of it the way DapperButch explained it, but it does make sense.

I have wondered about this phenomonon for some time since I have a good friend who has been in a sex-free relationship for years. Also this phenomenon seems to have a more frequent occurrence among female-female relationships. (Or at least we are willling to talk about it while others are not.) One factor that I believe may be involved is this: we are exposed to a lot of negative input from society at large, our parents, our kids, our employers and coworkers etc. I think it is possible with some individuals that this negative input builds up over time and the resultant guilt makes it harder to feel good about having sex. Add to that the belief still lingering around in the world that women aren't supposed to like sex and that "good girls" are not sexually aggressive. Crap - when I think about it like that, its a wonder that ANY of us have sex. LOL.

Speaks well for our inner strength, doesn't it?

Smooches,
Keri

[JustJo]

Hello all :)

I was going to post last night, but was so tired that I doubted I could form a coherent sentence. As I lay in bed I thought...funny...I'm too exhausted for posting, but not for sex...so, at least for me, physical tiredness has nothing to do with it.

I've been interested to read the comments here...don't agree necessarily, but interested just the same.

Let's see...for me, intimacy and sex are totally different things. I can have one without the other. I generally don't...but I can.

It isn't a lack of testosterone....I'm definitely not flooded with that, but I have a stronger sex drive than "normal" (men included).

And it isn't about a negative image or disapproval from the larger culture, because I didn't get the normal "sex is bad/dirty" messaging that many women get growing up, and I don't care what anyone thinks...and, also, I've had the same phenomenon happen in relationships with bio-men as well.

So....what is it then, for me?

A few things can happen....if I am angry, or feel attacked, or undervalued...then I don't feel sexual. I feel defensive or hurt, and those don't lead to either sexual desire or the feeling of desirability, value and safety that I need to want sex. That's the most common...

I've heard of people in long-term (as in years) relationships without sex...not only lesbian relationships, but also hetero relationships. I was in one for almost 2 years, and the lack of sexual connection killed the relationship. For me, sex is a crucial part. No, I don't have a particular timetable or act or *fill in the blank* that must happen...I'm not that rigid...but there has to be a sexual connection and a spark. As I've said in these forums before....if our bed is only for sleeping, then I'm an unhappy woman.

Here's what happens in my head...I am intimate with my best friend. I love her. She loves me. We know everything (and I do mean every thing) about each other. I have held her hand in the hospital. She has clipped my toenails when I was pregnant and couldn't reach them anymore. I have helped her check the "what the hell is that?" in a place she couldn't see. We are closer than most sisters. We think alike. We even look a bit alike. But we do not have a sexual spark with each other.

If I am in a love relationship, and our sex life dies, then I start to feel about you (general you) the way I do about her. There may be love. There may be intimacy. But suddenly we are sisters or friends....and it isn't the same. I don't plan my future with my friend, as much as I love her. I don't want to spend every night wrapped in her arms, as much as she loves me.

For me, there has to be more than love...more than intimacy...more than companionship...more than shared values....more than a shared residence.

[BullDog]

I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death.

Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex.

[betenoire]

I think that for queer women our sexuality is a bit more hard-won than for straight women. While, yes, being queer IS something that just happened - knowing it and what it means ISN'T something that just happens. There's work and there's thought there. Because of that I don't think that we buy into a lot of the myths and fake-rules about sex that people who haven't had to really fight/learn MAY often buy into.

Nobody is going to tell me that I have to have sex with my spouse. Nobody is going to tell me that it's my wifely duty to have sex with my spouse when I don't feel like it. Nobody is going to make me feel guilty for not having sex with my spouse when I am mad/hurt/annoyed/have a toothache/tired/whatever. My sexuality just comes with far too much self-awareness for me to fall for any of that bullshit.

So IF and ONLY IF female-female couples are fucking less often 5/10/15 years into the relationship than their male-female couple counterparts (and that's a big if, I don't know that I buy that) - that's the reason. Because we are fortunate enough to know that we are ALLOWED to not fuck.

Some women don't know that they have that choice.

[Toughy]

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female


The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.


Whose thoughts??

Did this come from The Onion?????

must be satire.......has to be satire.......

[Corkey]

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

[waxnrope]

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female


The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

------------

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.

Hey Dapper, please cite the source of this. Thanks

[JustJo]

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

I think there are many, many things that can be defined as sex...and I can't imagine a condition that would preclude all of them.

If my partner was unable to participate in a particular kind of sex because of a medical condition or injury...no problem. I have a great imagination. :)

What I would "dump" a partner for is a continual lack of any desire to engage in sex of any kind with me. For me, that's the deal killer. It isn't whether someone can handle any specific act...it's the unwillingness or lack of desire to engage in anything at all.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I gotta be honest, the bed often looks like "death bed" when I'm on my period.

That count!? :)

[Corkey]

I think there are many, many things that can be defined as sex...and I can't imagine a condition that would preclude all of them.

If my partner was unable to participate in a particular kind of sex because of a medical condition or injury...no problem. I have a great imagination. :)

What I would "dump" a partner for is a continual lack of any desire to engage in sex of any kind with me. For me, that's the deal killer. It isn't whether someone can handle any specific act...it's the unwillingness or lack of desire to engage in anything at all.

I think that comes down to communication. There are folks with mental health issues such as chronic depression, who for many reasons do not want sex. I think that there are extenuating circumstances that befall many couples, so for me to make blanket statements about sex being the deal breaker, it is just not justified.

[DapperButch]

Hey Dapper, please cite the source of this. Thanks

http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare

Not tough to find. The first one google came up with.

But, who cares, anyway? Meaning, it isn't a BAD thing if that is the case. It is ok if there truly is some differences between the sexes based on biology. I think that so many of us (me included), spend a lot of time trying to prove their is no differences, as if that is a bad thing.

And getting back to the topic, certainly not all women have a lower sex drive than all men. It is individual. But as a whole, yes... men tend to desire sex more often and have more sex than women do. Is this truly new for people?

Do you think that transmen are lying when they say that their sex drive went up after starting testosterone? Do you think this is just all in their heads or something?

[BullDog]

What's not new to me is all the perpetuation of myths about lesbians and women's sexuality.

[DapperButch]

I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death.

Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex.

Red highlighted statement - Did someone say that here? Yes, I agree that this would be a bit ludicrous to think. After all, females do desire sex. Side note, females have testosterone, too, just less of it than males.

[BullDog]

Red highlighted statement - Did someone say that here? Yes, I agree that this would be a bit ludicrous to think. After all, females do desire sex. Side note, females have testosterone, too, just less of it than males.

Dapper what is your point of coming into this thread? To talk about how men want sex more than women?

[DapperButch]

Dapper what is your point of coming into this thread? To talk about how men want sex more than women?

No, this was my point:

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.


You took it to talking about males. I spoke of males into order to explain how I got to my "lose" theory.

[BullDog]

No, this was my point:

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.


You took it to talking about males. I spoke of males into order to express how I got to my "lose" theory.

I don't agree with the part in bold. It's a generalization. As you yourself said, there is individual variation.

I get real, real tired of the perpetuation of stereotypes of lesbians and women that I see here almost daily. Real, real tired. Now I am going to go take a few aspirin and go do something else.

[suebee]

Red highlighted statement - Did someone say that here? Yes, I agree that this would be a bit ludicrous to think. After all, females do desire sex. Side note, females have testosterone, too, just less of it than males.

Less testosterone does not mean that we are "less than" because we are female people. Dapper is just stating a fact. Men and women are not physiologically identical. We are allowed to have problems and strengths that are ours and ours alone.

I agree that sexual desire can be affected by many factors, such as health of the relationship as well as the health of those in the relationship.

[DapperButch]

I don't agree with the part in bold. It's a generalization. As you yourself said, there is individual variation.

I get real, real tired of the perpetuation of stereotypes of lesbians and women that I see here almost daily. Real, real tired. Now I am going to go take a few aspirin and go do something else.

Ok. I was actually about to post that I am off to bed. Good night.

[betenoire]

so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

When I read this I read it as having emphasis on a couple of words, which altered my interpretation of your statement. It altered it into something that, to me, makes sense.

I have bolded the words that I emphasized for convenience.

If 1 then 2.

[DapperButch]

When I read this I read it as having emphasis on a couple of words, which altered my interpretation of your statement. It altered it into something that, to me, makes sense.

I have bolded the words that I emphasized for convenience.

If 1 then 2.

Thanks, bete. That is helpful and maybe makes my thinking, and intentions, more clear.

[betenoire]

Thanks, bete. That is helpful and maybe makes my thinking, and intentions, more clear.

I am awesome that way, even though I don't produce as much testosterone as my father does. :canadian:

[BullDog]

Why is there the term "Lesbian Bed Death" to begin with? It's a perpetuation of lesbian stereotypes.

I really don't care if there are biological differences. If males overall do desire to have sex more frequently than females based on biology it wouldn't make them better or less human beings- I get that Suebee. I don't really trust the studies and how they are framed, and my personal experience does not bear it out that males want sex more than females. It doesn't make a difference to me whether it's true or not. If Lesbian A wants to have sex more than Lesbian B it doesn't make Lesbian A a better person or a better lesbian either. If Lesbian A and B are a couple, then it could be a problem.

What makes a difference to me is the perpetuation of stereotypes and always comparing women's sexuality with men's.

This idea if lesbians have less sex to begin with (I don't agree with that) that if they are having problems in their relationship that their sex life is going to go to zero makes no sense to me. Lesbians don't just all of a sudden go sexless if they are having relationship problems. I do agree that any couple- whether they are lesbians or not- if they are having problems in their relationship outside the bedroom that their sex life will probably suffer as well.

Lesbian sex is not dependent on men. Even in the individual circumstances where a lesbian is sleeping with a man, in those cases her sexual agency is still her own. So why are we comparing lesbian sex to how much or less men want to have sex to begin with?

Lesbian sex is not defined by men or male standards.

Women's sexuality is just that- women's sexuality. Again, not dependent on men even for those who are sexuality attracted to men.

And yeah, I'm confused why people who are not lesbians are telling lesbians what their sexuality is like and how we have sex less than men. It doesn't matter either way, our sexuality doesn't need to be discussed in male terms. It's irrelevant.

[citybutch]

Perhaps I am too tired... but I see nothing in this article that indicates:

"Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female "

What I do see is that mens libido's are more active than females and females sexuality is more fluid... neither of which indicates gay men have longer lasting sexual relationships (and more frequent) than lesbians.... It just says we express it differently...

What I found on Google... (which is by no means scientific)... is something more along the lines of:

"In biology and psychology, the Coolidge effect is a phenomenon—seen in nearly every mammalian species in which it has been tested—whereby both males and females exhibit continuous high sexual performance given the introduction of new receptive partners" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect

...that, in fact, reduced sexual activity is common with all types of couples.. The one study that I found that talked about Lesbian Bed Death and claimed the above "hierarchy" of sexual activity was highly criticized....

The fact is... no matter what kind of relationship one is in... intimacy is hard to maintain when so much of life such as work, career, school, stress, homeownership, children, family concerns, finances, etc etc etc... comes to the forefront. Any one of us can maintain a high level of sexual stimulation when we are in the initial first stages of knowing someone... Prolonged ongoing intimacy takes commitment... and yes, sometimes work... It means taking the relationship seriously enough to prioritize intimacy ... and discovering ways to express it.

Hollywood sells us a load of goods... "falling in love and living happily ever after.." You know, the story where the young couple is highly energized and magnetized towards each other... and then the movie ends with them walking into bliss... forever after. In fact, it really isn't that way at all... It takes focus, patience, strategy, respect, communication, love, and a mutual awareness that intimacy is important to both of you... and that you are both exactly where you want to be... Almost everyone I know in real time is in a long term relationship... and whether they are straight, gay, lesbian, or otherwise identified, we all talk about this the same way... and yes, we do discuss it with our gay male friends as well...


http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare

Not tough to find. The first one google came up with.

But, who cares, anyway? Meaning, it isn't a BAD thing if that is the case. It is ok if there truly is some differences between the sexes based on biology. I think that so many of us (me included), spend a lot of time trying to prove their is no differences, as if that is a bad thing.

And getting back to the topic, certainly not all women have a lower sex drive than all men. It is individual. But as a whole, yes... men tend to desire sex more often and have more sex than women do. Is this truly new for people?

Do you think that transmen are lying when they say that their sex drive went up after starting testosterone? Do you think this is just all in their heads or something?

[BullDog]

Yes there is one study about "Lesbian Bed Death" that got a lot of press and it has been heavily criticized for how it was conducted.

I know many gay male couples who are completely monogamous and have been together for many, many years- goes against the stereotype I know.

[Kobi]

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.








Folks, as the OP, I am asking that you review the intent of the original question. I think it is very clear.

"Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest?
I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in
relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our
willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them."


This thread was meant to be a discussion of personal experiences
with the loss of the sexual aspect of a relationship. It was posted
in the Lesbian Zone because I was interested in other lesbians experiences.

Sticking to the original intent would be greatly appreciated.

[DapperButch]

Folks, as the OP, I am asking that you review the intent of the original question. I think it is very clear.

"Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest?
I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in
relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our
willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them."


This thread was meant to be a discussion of personal experiences
with the loss of the sexual aspect of a relationship. It was posted
in the Lesbian Zone because I was interested in other lesbians experiences.

Sticking to the original intent would be greatly appreciated.



I apologize if what I posted elicited the thread in getting off track in any way. I'll side step out of the thread, now.


P.S. to CityButch, just to clarify. #2 states gay men have more sex than lesbians. I did not say anything about men having longer lasting sexual relationships, I only spoke to what types of couplings were having the most sex.

P.S. To clarify what others may have thought I said: 1)I said nothing about gay male's relationships regarding monogamy.
2)I do not think that I was "telling lesbians what their sexuality is like". I spoke to frequency of sex in male and female couplings, based on my understanding through the course of study. The purpose was to give background to where my thought came from regarding lesbian bed death (or rather, why their may be less sex in female/female couplings than other couplings per research). It no doubt would have behooved me to seek out more academic studies to present, but honestly, did not want to take the time to do that. I would have skipped saying anything if I thought that was necessary to engage.
3)I also did not say that lesbian's relationships go sexless when they are having problems.

I would like to not return to this thread so that it may return to what Kobi wants it to be. I would like to be done with the topic, but will engage with PMs if someone really feels compelled to further discuss.

Thank you.

[waxnrope]

Kobi, thanks for restating the intent of your post. Since we are back on track, I want to say that the topic was something that I recall being discussed a lot in the late 70s/early 80s ... "Berkeley dykes" discussion groups.

Anyway, I did not experience this at the time, but individuals and couples who did, also seemed to have encountered a relationship death, too. A distancing, emotionally, between them. This is what I thought and it is only my opinion and observation.

In terms of my own experience, this situation happened once, later, and after the women's support groups, which discussed such topics, began to die down. In my/our case, this lack of sexual interest was not medically related. It was something else, something within our relationship, which became aware to me when the sex died (I was yet again in school at the time ...). Can I get a "duh"?

When I did become aware, I discussed this with my partner, we talked for days, and it did resolve, albeit, it took some time to reestablish trust and intimacy.

I post this in order to contribute a personal, and uncomfortable tidbit and am not comfortable doing so ... sometimes others misread one's posts, even from the personal perspective, so I'd appreciate if the reader understands why I do not go into great detail or find it necessary to either dismiss or criticize. I am simply offering MY experience and observation.

[Lynn]

This happened to me in my first lesbian relationship, in the first couple of years after I came out. I lost any interest in sex with her or with anyone. I felt disconnected from my own body, too. I remember bringing it up in therapy, and the therapist gave me all these things to try to re-ignite my physical reactions (involving soap, lotion, and showers...). None of it interested me at all. At the same time, I was going through a very contentious and painful coming out process with my family. So, as I've looked at it over the years, I'd say I was depressed. Depression will do that to a person--squash their sex drive.

I had a similar response when I was married to my (bio-male) husband. I could see then that I was depressed, also. I had a bit more insight and self-awareness, as well as some understanding of his feelings, so we did have sex, but it wasn't out of physical desire on my part.

Now, I view sex as a very important aspect of my relationship. If someone lost interest in me, I would want to try to figure it out and resolve it. But, there are factors such as depression, medication, health, stress...and on and on which can impact desire. I wouldn't leave someone because we weren't having sex, but I'd want to understand what was going on and try to fix it, if possible.

[JustJo]

This happened to me in my first lesbian relationship, in the first couple of years after I came out. I lost any interest in sex with her or with anyone. I felt disconnected from my own body, too. I remember bringing it up in therapy, and the therapist gave me all these things to try to re-ignite my physical reactions (involving soap, lotion, and showers...). None of it interested me at all. At the same time, I was going through a very contentious and painful coming out process with my family. So, as I've looked at it over the years, I'd say I was depressed. Depression will do that to a person--squash their sex drive.

I had a similar response when I was married to my (bio-male) husband. I could see then that I was depressed, also. I had a bit more insight and self-awareness, as well as some understanding of his feelings, so we did have sex, but it wasn't out of physical desire on my part.

Now, I view sex as a very important aspect of my relationship. If someone lost interest in me, I would want to try to figure it out and resolve it. But, there are factors such as depression, medication, health, stress...and on and on which can impact desire. I wouldn't leave someone because we weren't having sex, but I'd want to understand what was going on and try to fix it, if possible.

Thank you Lynn...for sharing your experience and also bringing up something for me that's been running through my head since Corkey posted.

I can completely see how depression can squash the sex drive. The twist for me is that the lack of sex can trigger depression, igniting a vicious emotional circle for me.

A bit of overshare here, perhaps, but...as a kid, I grew up with very strong messages that I was not wanted, was an inconvenience and then some, and that I was only as good as what I provided or produced. My mother delighted in telling stories of how she thought I was retarded (which can happen when you never speak to your very shy but bright child), and how she had contemplated killing us (my sister and I) and then herself on several occasions....except that she didn't really want to kill herself and didn't want to go to prison.

Fast forward through many destructive relationships with narcissists, a total hitting bottom episode in my life, and years of counseling, journaling, crying and processing...and I'm much better. I know my worth. Life is good.

Except...if I love someone, and they close down on me sexually, the spark is gone when they look at me....then I have to struggle mightily not to flip hard into those old feelings.

I totally get what you and Corkey are saying...and what citybutch said about life's pressures intervening...but for me I need to feel valued, desired and treasured for who I am...not for what I do or provide. You can tell me that I'm a wonderful mother, a good cook, a hard worker, etc. and I will thank you. I appreciate that. But I know those things about myself too. What I need from my partner is that glint in their eye that says they want me....just me...and that they want to connect in that special and intense way that sexuality provides.

If the person I love is struggling with depression or medical issues or whatever that drains their desire, then I will hang in and work with them as long as I am able, and as long as they are trying. But, again just for me, to hang in for years with someone who does not desire me and who isn't trying to fix it (speaking only from my own experience now), then I know that's an incredibly destructive emotional place for me to be and....because I now care about myself too...I need to leave.

[citybutch]

And my point DapperButch is that it just isn't true that gay men in long term relationships (which is presumably where Bed Death occurs.. long term relationships) have sex more frequently than lesbians... The studies show that as does my personal experience... In fact, we have friends that are gay and male and they don't have sex at all after many years together (they are the only ones we have actually HAD this discussion with but I suspect it to be true for our other long term relationship friends (and by long term I don't mean 3 years)... My wife and I do have sex in our 12th year of our life together... My point IS... that a withdrawal from sexual activity is universal.. unless there is a concentration on keeping intimacy alive. SO... if we are to have a conversation about Bed Death.. let's discuss it not in terms of a hierarchy of WHO has sex more... and quoting a study that has been debunked. Let's talk about it as the OP intended... What is it and why does it happen?...





P.S. to CityButch, just to clarify. #2 states gay men have more sex than lesbians. I did not say anything about men having longer lasting sexual relationships, I only spoke to what types of couplings were having the most sex.

[Kobi]

Thanks to those who have, are and will be sharing their experiences.
It is much easier to strut our stuff and bask in our prowess than to
discuss the less pleasant side of things.

For me, there seems to be a distinct connection between my
emotions and my sexuality. If I am not feeling good about me,
the other, or us, it will show first in the bedroom.

Medications and certain illnesses affecting sexual response have
also been my experience.

Communication is essential regardless of the cause if one expects to muddle
thru to the other side. Whether it is dealing with interpersonal stuff, dealing
with self stuff, exploring new ways to evoke response - which is kind of fun-
or gappling with the demise of a relationship, both parties have to be willing
to put forth the effort to work it out.

Feeling desired or desiring is a very powerful motivator. Sometimes we lose our
way until we see that sparkle in another eyes or feel that electricity in anothers
touch again.

[DapperButch]

<deleted post so as not to derail>

I will PM my response to citybutch

[Lynn]

I totally get what you and Corkey are saying...and what citybutch said about life's pressures intervening...but for me I need to feel valued, desired and treasured for who I am...not for what I do or provide. You can tell me that I'm a wonderful mother, a good cook, a hard worker, etc. and I will thank you. I appreciate that. But I know those things about myself too. What I need from my partner is that glint in their eye that says they want me....just me...and that they want to connect in that special and intense way that sexuality provides.

If the person I love is struggling with depression or medical issues or whatever that drains their desire, then I will hang in and work with them as long as I am able, and as long as they are trying. But, again just for me, to hang in for years with someone who does not desire me and who isn't trying to fix it (speaking only from my own experience now), then I know that's an incredibly destructive emotional place for me to be and....because I now care about myself too...I need to leave.


I completely understand what you're saying, and I would tend to agree. After all, depression affects more than just sex drive. One could tend to give up on everything and become very intoverted. This isn't a great place from which to express intimacy and affection, even if there isn't sex. A relationship implies the involvement of more than one person. There has to be a point when one decides they did what they could and it just isn't getting better. I believe everyone has the right to decide when enough is enough.

[Corkey]

I can see if ones partner isn't trying, but that to me has more to do with communicating with one another than anything else. And yes I am married to a lesbian so I think that I can post to this issue. I think more so the title is a misnomer because it is a human condition and something that happens to some couples no matter their gender or sexual preference. Medications and physical and mental conditions do play a huge part in this issue and I think that people need to have the discussion before they get to the point of actually being in a relationship.
Thanks for letting my opinion be of some help.

[BullDog]

I can see if ones partner isn't trying, but that to me has more to do with communicating with one another than anything else. And yes I am married to a lesbian so I think that I can post to this issue. I think more so the title is a misnomer because it is a human condition and something that happens to some couples no matter their gender or sexual preference. Medications and physical and mental conditions do play a huge part in this issue and I think that people need to have the discussion before they get to the point of actually being in a relationship.
Thanks for letting my opinion be of some help.

I agree with you Corkey. It's a human condition that can happen to any couple. That's why I said earlier why is there no term for heterosexual bed death or gay men bed death. The whole term and that study that was widely publicized are just perpetuating myths about lesbians plain and simple.

You definitely bring up good points about things that should be discussed before seriously committing to a relationship.

I think also sometimes there are sexual incompatibilities that can become more of an issue as time goes on. Obviously the best thing to do is try and work them out, but sometimes it really isn't possible and you don't realize how much of an issue it is until some time has passed. At least this is something I have experienced.

[Chazz]

I agree with you Corkey. It's a human condition that can happen to any couple. That's why I said earlier why is there no term for heterosexual bed death or gay men bed death. The whole term and that study that was widely publicized are just perpetuating myths about lesbians plain and simple.

You definitely bring up good points about things that should be discussed before seriously committing to a relationship.

I think also sometimes there are sexual incompatibilities that can become more of an issue as time goes on. Obviously the best thing to do is try and work them out, but sometimes it really isn't possible and you don't realize how much of an issue it is until some time has passed. At least this is something I have experienced.

I also think sexual incompatibility is a big issue. It may not be recognized as such at the beginning when things are fresh and new, but as the novelty wears off it can become a deal breaker.

[Jess]

I haven't read this entire thread as I remember all too clearly the huge arguments that came up in the 80's when discussing this topic.

I ran across this video just a minute ago and thought it appropriate for a thread about Lesbian sex. I apologize if it has already been posted.

It's called Hearts Cracked Open, a film about Lesbian Tantra. Not everyone's cup of tea, but relevant none the less.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6014049732300321633#

[LaneyDoll]

P.S. to CityButch, just to clarify.

#2 states gay men have more sex than lesbians. I did not say anything about men having longer lasting sexual relationships, I only spoke to what types of couplings were having the most sex.

P.S. To clarify what others may have thought I said:
1)I said nothing about gay male's relationships regarding monogamy.


I am kind of curious myself about the gay male's relationship re. monogamy. I hesitated posting anything because I do NOT want to look as if I am making assumptions or generalizations BUT I guess I am going to take that chance now.

I have a very dear friend who is a gay man and he has sex more than most people I know. But, he is having sex with more than one, or even two, partners at any given time. I am not sure if this is indicative or not-I only have the one friend. ;)

However, if it does (even partially) reflect with any accuracy, then surely this would explain WHY the male/male couple is reported to have sex with greater frequency than the female/female couple.

Personally, I have an extremely high sex drive & try to date women who match that. I have dated a woman in the past who had almost zero (like less than once a month) sex drive and if her abusiveness has ended things, the sex issue may have. However, she would not see to my sexual needs and got angry if I wanted to tend to my them myself.

I like to think thought, that if my relationship was good in every way except sex, I would be ok.

Thanks for starting this thread, it has given me insight and information about a subject of which I was previously unfamiliar.

[JAGG]

Can't say I ever experienced lesbian bed death. Never heard of it until this thread actually.

[AtLast]

Although hetero skewed, this new book has some interesting things to think about just in terms of sex and couple-


Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, and Rebel Couples Who Are Rewriting the Rules- Pamala Haag.

Also, with the new census stats out about "marriage" declining to under 50% in the US- it has some significance.

No, I don't buy all of her hypotheses.

[Gráinne]

Can't say I've experienced it either, but that's because I haven't been in a long term relationship with a woman. With my former husband-yeah, that part died pretty much from go (gee, I wonder why??). Somehow we managed to have our beautiful children. It was the same with any other relationship with a man.

I'm here to tell you that given a healthy relationship out of bed, and my depression under control, I'm rarin' to go! I think I too would have to date someone with an extremely healthy libido, or else we just wouldn't be compatible in that way. I spent eight years in a sexless marriage, and I'm not wasting any more time, so to speak.

No one's mentioned menopause and its changes and effects on the sex drive, but thus far I haven't noticed much, personally. That's another reason it's so important to take care of ourselves and our bodies as we get into midlife. The day I stop having sex, or feeling sensual with myself, is the day I call it a life.

[Quintease]

why is there no term for heterosexual bed death.

There is, its called Bed Death.

The whole heterosexual-couple-losing-interest-in-sex is a well known problem, in fact around half of all couples going to see sex counsellor are doing so as one party has lost interest in sex. There are also numerous books out there aimed at heterosexual couples as to how to 'reclaim the spark' and deal with the problem. A few years ago I went to a lecture where a counsellor who specialised in sexual issues claimed that no one yet had found a sure-fire way to treat heterosexual bed death. It's not only women who are to blame, however when men lose their sex drive it's generally considered to be a medical problem.

[Quintease]

I have an extremely high sex drive & try to date women who match that. I have dated a woman in the past who had almost zero (like less than once a month) sex drive and if her abusiveness has ended things, the sex issue may have. However, she would not see to my sexual needs and got angry if I wanted to tend to my them myself.

I like to think thought, that if my relationship was good in every way except sex, I would be ok.

I had a very similar experience, except my ex gf's libido was originally high and then dropped to nothing. For me it was the last straw, I was unhappy AND I wasn't getting sex. I have had a good relationship end due to LBD as well, as she wouldn't talk about it, wasn't interested in fixing it and didn't seem to care about my frustration. By the time we started having sex again the damage to our relationship was irreparable.

[AtLast]

Can't say I've experienced it either, but that's because I haven't been in a long term relationship with a woman. With my former husband-yeah, that part died pretty much from go (gee, I wonder why??). Somehow we managed to have our beautiful children. It was the same with any other relationship with a man.

I'm here to tell you that given a healthy relationship out of bed, and my depression under control, I'm rarin' to go! I think I too would have to date someone with an extremely healthy libido, or else we just wouldn't be compatible in that way. I spent eight years in a sexless marriage, and I'm not wasting any more time, so to speak.

No one's mentioned menopause and its changes and effects on the sex drive, but thus far I haven't noticed much, personally. That's another reason it's so important to take care of ourselves and our bodies as we get into midlife. The day I stop having sex, or feeling sensual with myself, is the day I call it a life.


Yes, menopause has an effect on libido. And there are many ways to treat this. It isn't the end of the world. in fact, it can be the start of a whole new sexual adventure. To me, quality out ranks quantity- and always has.

Something that I feel is lacking in this conversation is the role of sensuality (glad you used the term). To be honest, even in the heat and zealousness of my early life over flowing hormone levels, sex without sensuality led to simply not caring for sex with a partner- which is very different than losing my libido. Sexual compatibility is paramount (is for me, anyway).

Disability issues can play a role here, too. Medications as well and some illnesses. Again, there are ways to deal with these things and reach a whole new level of satisfaction as well as desire. Something else that I know we don't like to talk about is the fact that for some, physical changes in a partner can and do impact our sexual desire for them along with the obvious emotional/psychological changes that can occur in a partner. Often, our own guilt about feeling turned-off with some of these changes adds to the stress and tension around our sexual dilemmas. A lover slacking off with personal care and hygiene can put stops on sexual desire. This is just a very complicated area (and highly sensitive)- and I don't think there are quick fixes or simple defining constructs.

The Goddesses only know that demands and stresses of daily life and busy lives has an impact on this, too. This is why setting aside "date nights" or mini-vacations, etc. are important for couples in LTRs.



I am a person that has always enjoyed and desired sex (especially with sensuality involved) at high levels- even post menopausal (although I have felt some change), yet, if the emotional interaction off, I am not going there. This has always been so. It is about the relational fields between myself and a lover. Some people do not operate this way- and this isn't divided along gender lines.

Something I found almost amusing while practicing as a therapist (I did quite a bit of couples work) was that there is a big disparity with how many individuals believe they have a high or very active libido when most fit right into the “norm.” A lot of ego involvement going on and misperception. Most people have no idea of what research bears out concerning libido and that can be hurtful for themselves and their partners.

Just enjoy…. And if something goes amiss, do something about it- together! Hell, just sharing that something is off with your partner and talking about what to do about it, jump starts a lot!!

[FlowerFem]

For me I think after the newness wears off, the way they act and react to daily events has a big impact on how turned on I am. Inconsiderate, or too negative, over-reacting whiny, those are turn offs. It is hard to want intimacy watching someone behaving poorly.

[The cute widdle wesbian]

I've been through this a bit, but honestly I try hard to stay out of relationships where she doesn't want sex. I've gotta rediculously extreme sex drive, it's high and wild and always very easily woken. I'm the active volcano, I don't get along well with the dormant one, it just doesn't mesh. Sex is as much a part of a happy relationship as comunication and intimacy, affection and respect, etc etc. I need to be with someone who's sexual desire is as strong as mine, or I can get pretty irritating. lol, so that said now, my bed is pretty much never dead. If we're not sexin we're lovin in another way, I'm an extremely touchy person with a need for affection, I love to cuttle up and kiss and touch and rub and kitzle till we're both fast asleep in each other's arms. That's how I am, that's how I've always been. My vision is as sucky as it could be, so I'm used to touching everything rather than just looking at it. That's why every inch of my skin is 10 times more sensitive to touch, and my sex drive is through the roof.

Lesbian bed death happens a lot though because honestly, it's science. Most (not all) women are naturally sexually passive, meaning that the male initiates sexual activity. It's the animal instinct in us that we must ignore. Take that and add the PMS/overreacting that comes naturally to us gals and you've got death in the bed. Don't kill the messenger, I ain't makin this junk up. I don't like it, but it happens to all of us. Sometimes even I feel like I can't go get some because I'm feeling "weird" that night. It's a girl thing, we don't have the hormones that men have in order to make us just ready all the time. That's a total generalization, and not all women are that way, but this whole forum is general. I don't know all of your sexlives and individual drives, but again, to kill the messenger wouldn't be nice, It would make me oh so sad. Heheh

[blush]

I've been through this a bit, but honestly I try hard to stay out of relationships where she doesn't want sex. I've gotta rediculously extreme sex drive, it's high and wild and always very easily woken. I'm the active volcano, I don't get along well with the dormant one, it just doesn't mesh. Sex is as much a part of a happy relationship as comunication and intimacy, affection and respect, etc etc. I need to be with someone who's sexual desire is as strong as mine, or I can get pretty irritating. lol, so that said now, my bed is pretty much never dead. If we're not sexin we're lovin in another way, I'm an extremely touchy person with a need for affection, I love to cuttle up and kiss and touch and rub and kitzle till we're both fast asleep in each other's arms. That's how I am, that's how I've always been. My vision is as sucky as it could be, so I'm used to touching everything rather than just looking at it. That's why every inch of my skin is 10 times more sensitive to touch, and my sex drive is through the roof.

Lesbian bed death happens a lot though because honestly, it's science. Most (not all) women are naturally sexually passive, meaning that the male initiates sexual activity. It's the animal instinct in us that we must ignore. Take that and add the PMS/overreacting that comes naturally to us gals and you've got death in the bed. Don't kill the messenger, I ain't makin this junk up. I don't like it, but it happens to all of us. Sometimes even I feel like I can't go get some because I'm feeling "weird" that night. It's a girl thing, we don't have the hormones that men have in order to make us just ready all the time. That's a total generalization, and not all women are that way, but this whole forum is general. I don't know all of your sexlives and individual drives, but again, to kill the messenger wouldn't be nice, It would make me oh so sad. Heheh
I bolded the part I'm most curious about. Could you explain what you mean? It sounds like you actually believe that women are wired to be sexually passive and hysterical creatures?

[The cute widdle wesbian]

They are wired that way, in a sense, it's all in the science of the body. I read a little about the "gay sheep" comunity and did some research, and the reason that lesbian sheep are nearly nonexistant (or invisible) is because their natural sexual instinct and duty is to stand still when they're ready to mate. There's not many female sheep who would willingly mount another sheep, it happens but it's extremely rare. If you wanna look at it from that point of view, femail animals (including humans) are "wired" to be gotten, not to go get. That's how women were brought up for all of history before, and only recently have we started raising our girls as free as our boys.

Now I'm gonna get away from our natural chemicle reactions and hormones and such because we're humans and unlike sheep, we have minds that work. We "mount" each other all the time, we have healthy and active sexlives, and we're happy and visible. But on some level, our animal instincts as females (in other words: passive sexual mates) kick in. It's all science, I hate science and I'm a rebel in how I don't let that get in the way of my sex drive, that's what a lot of lesbians do.

[Dude]

. There's not many female sheep who would willingly mount another sheep, it happens but it's extremely rare. .

perhaps that's not their thing
maybe they prefer oral


Thinking about these two sow's I used
to work with who were madly in love and humped each other quite often.
They were forced to breed but would refuse to feed
their babies unless they were together staring lovingly into
each other's eyes.

oh wait
this isnt an animal thread?

[CherylNYC]

They are wired that way, in a sense, it's all in the science of the body. I read a little about the "gay sheep" comunity and did some research, and the reason that lesbian sheep are nearly nonexistant (or invisible) is because their natural sexual instinct and duty is to stand still when they're ready to mate. There's not many female sheep who would willingly mount another sheep, it happens but it's extremely rare. If you wanna look at it from that point of view, femail animals (including humans) are "wired" to be gotten, not to go get. That's how women were brought up for all of history before, and only recently have we started raising our girls as free as our boys.

Now I'm gonna get away from our natural chemicle reactions and hormones and such because we're humans and unlike sheep, we have minds that work. We "mount" each other all the time, we have healthy and active sexlives, and we're happy and visible. But on some level, our animal instincts as females (in other words: passive sexual mates) kick in. It's all science, I hate science and I'm a rebel in how I don't let that get in the way of my sex drive, that's what a lot of lesbians do.

I can't begin to count all the ways in which this post is offensive. You state alleged facts about animals as if they have something to do with how women respond sexually, and the things you wrote aren't even facts. Have you been reading 1950s psuedo-science?

I'm going to walk away from this before I start ranting, and leave the reasoning to someone with more patience.

[blush]

They are wired that way, in a sense, it's all in the science of the body. I read a little about the "gay sheep" comunity and did some research, and the reason that lesbian sheep are nearly nonexistant (or invisible) is because their natural sexual instinct and duty is to stand still when they're ready to mate. There's not many female sheep who would willingly mount another sheep, it happens but it's extremely rare. If you wanna look at it from that point of view, femail animals (including humans) are "wired" to be gotten, not to go get. That's how women were brought up for all of history before, and only recently have we started raising our girls as free as our boys.

Now I'm gonna get away from our natural chemicle reactions and hormones and such because we're humans and unlike sheep, we have minds that work. We "mount" each other all the time, we have healthy and active sexlives, and we're happy and visible. But on some level, our animal instincts as females (in other words: passive sexual mates) kick in. It's all science, I hate science and I'm a rebel in how I don't let that get in the way of my sex drive, that's what a lot of lesbians do.
Well, while it is true that many quadrapedal farm animals stand still to mate, many other animals don't. Many females advertise when they are fertile(ever seen a cat in heat?). Humans and bonobos are the only animals that mate "out of season." And it goes on and on...the animal kingdom has a million different permutations on sexing it up.

I still don't understand how women are wired to be "gotten?"

[bigbutchmistie]

Um Ive never had this issue ;) Just sayin :)

But that being said. I havent been with someone for a long period. Of time. However, I do have a high sex drive and cannot be with someone who doesnt.

I believe all needs of a relationship should be met so if I was with someone and that wasnt there anymore. Im sorry to say I dont know that I could stay in that relationship... For me, it would be a friendship then...

Just my two cents and MY thoughts....

[Dude]

let us not forget horse's and their come hither , impossible to ignore *wink* thing they do

[blush]

let us not forget horse's and their come hither , impossible to ignore *wink* thing they do

Quit horsing around!

[*Anya*]

I can't even count all the ways this is non-scientific, not evidence-based, sexist, etc. Absolutely ridiculous! In what universe are women naturally passive? Really? At first I thought you were joking until I realized you weren't!
Comparing us to animals? Sheep?!

Lesbian bed-death, I won't comment other than my own prior experience of 19 years with same woman, 18 living together because I have seen no studies on it done with a large, random-sample of lesbians, using a validated instrument for the study. It seems like a lot of generalizations to me. Did we have a hell of a lot more sex at age 29-30 than we did almost 20 years later, of course; for many of the reasons At Last Home stated in her comments. But did our bed die? Hardly!

We always need to be careful of generalizations and a self-fullfilling prophecy!

[The cute widdle wesbian]

Lolol, it's so fun making people just cringe. Chill out, I know what I do and you can believe whatcha want to, I'm just explaining what I meant, don't shoot the messenger. I didn't make it up. Oooh, it doesn't "self-fulfill" me, I'm perfectly happily sexual sexual sexual. :P

[Mister Bent]

let us not forget horse's and their come hither , impossible to ignore *wink* thing they do


There's definitely some kind of horse parts up in here.*


Sheep dip, anyone?

http://spencerfield.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/spencerfield-vintage-13web.jpg




*My apologies to actual horses.

[Admin]

Lolol, it's so fun making people just cringe. Chill out, I know what I do and you can believe whatcha want to, I'm just explaining what I meant, don't shoot the messenger. I didn't make it up. Oooh, it doesn't "self-fulfill" me, I'm perfectly happily sexual sexual sexual. :P


Cute Widdle Wesbian,

Welcome to the site!
I don't know if your intent in this thread is to, indeed, "make people cringe" but I've had a couple of complaints from folks who think you are a troll looking to stir up trouble on this site. I really hope that isn't the case and that your humor just isn't translating well.

Either way, please review the Terms of Service for this site so that you will have a clear idea of how we would like the membership to interact with one another:


http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/index.php?pageid=Terms%20of%20Service

Thanks,
Admin

[Softhearted]

Hmmm, as a biologist and scientist, when some "facts" are stated, I'm always curious about the source, the methodology behind the statements and who made the research and in what year... just saying, that if someone has blanket statements and claims it to be science, give me the source... Thanks, end of my rent (and no, I'm not PMSing), any scientist, male or female, would wonder the same thing!

[imperfect_cupcake]

I had bed death in a relationship once. It was with my boyfriend (xy male) at the time. We were both young and the best of friends. There was nothing "wrong" with our relationship to each other (no trust issues broken, we loved each other tons etc) but I think that our extremely high level of intimacy without the frission of sexual adventure made it just melt into a friendship only thing. The last year we were together, we had sex about four times, I think. It was pretty clunky the last two times. If you don't use it, you lose it - and what I didn't know back then was: you have to put aside times to just have a go anyway. and do it while doing something new and what both turns you on.

I like diiiiirty sex. And it wasn't dirty any more so I lost my desire for it. Not for him, really, just for the calm, intimate sex that is nice as a topping but I just can't get into as a main course. I also didn't know that then. I do know better now. stressors still happen and I have highly intimate relationships (which can put stress on your love life). But I know now to say, "I want my hands tied if you are going to do that" or "how bout here on the couch instead of in bed" - having sex in bed every single time in exactly the same way because we are both super tired most of the time and want to have sex but have 20 minutes to do so cause we need sleep... is a killer for me. I'd rather not have sex for an extra week then have it on a weekend afternoon we've put aside (regardless of if I'm in the mood or not - I can be stirred into the mood if it's different, novel, dirty or nasty in some way) because repetitiveness will get me to "neh, I think I'm too tired. lets sleep"

And from what I hear from my other friends, that's a common complaint that does lead to het/homo bed death.

[Sev]

Hello all :)

I was going to post last night, but was so tired that I doubted I could form a coherent sentence. As I lay in bed I thought...funny...I'm too exhausted for posting, but not for sex...so, at least for me, physical tiredness has nothing to do with it.

I've been interested to read the comments here...don't agree necessarily, but interested just the same.

Let's see...for me, intimacy and sex are totally different things. I can have one without the other. I generally don't...but I can.

It isn't a lack of testosterone....I'm definitely not flooded with that, but I have a stronger sex drive than "normal" (men included).

And it isn't about a negative image or disapproval from the larger culture, because I didn't get the normal "sex is bad/dirty" messaging that many women get growing up, and I don't care what anyone thinks...and, also, I've had the same phenomenon happen in relationships with bio-men as well.

So....what is it then, for me?

A few things can happen....if I am angry, or feel attacked, or undervalued...then I don't feel sexual. I feel defensive or hurt, and those don't lead to either sexual desire or the feeling of desirability, value and safety that I need to want sex. That's the most common...

I've heard of people in long-term (as in years) relationships without sex...not only lesbian relationships, but also hetero relationships. I was in one for almost 2 years, and the lack of sexual connection killed the relationship. For me, sex is a crucial part. No, I don't have a particular timetable or act or *fill in the blank* that must happen...I'm not that rigid...but there has to be a sexual connection and a spark. As I've said in these forums before....if our bed is only for sleeping, then I'm an unhappy woman.

Here's what happens in my head...I am intimate with my best friend. I love her. She loves me. We know everything (and I do mean every thing) about each other. I have held her hand in the hospital. She has clipped my toenails when I was pregnant and couldn't reach them anymore. I have helped her check the "what the hell is that?" in a place she couldn't see. We are closer than most sisters. We think alike. We even look a bit alike. But we do not have a sexual spark with each other.

If I am in a love relationship, and our sex life dies, then I start to feel about you (general you) the way I do about her. There may be love. There may be intimacy. But suddenly we are sisters or friends....and it isn't the same. I don't plan my future with my friend, as much as I love her. I don't want to spend every night wrapped in her arms, as much as she loves me.

For me, there has to be more than love...more than intimacy...more than companionship...more than shared values....more than a shared residence.

I totally agree with justjo.I found with my ex gf the more we disagreed on things the more rocky our relationship got. Also I think when I was stressed about work the last thing I did was to be intimate, and this was the start of our death-bed.

[*Anya*]

I have never experienced lesbian bed death.

During the first 7-years of my long-term relationship, we had sex virtually every night.

After I found out that she cheated on me, it did decrease for a while but did not die until the 19th year when I just could not deal with her final betrayal.

Until that last year though, there was just something between us that was so electric that all she had to do was touch me and I wanted her.

No matter what.

I would have a very hard time accepting the death of a great sex life. It would be a real loss.

[Mel]

My last round of Chemo seriously effected my sex drive. It wasn't that I lost interest.....I tried to explain to my wife it must be how men feel with E.D. You want to.....you just can't.
I did lose interest in even trying when it became obvious she was getting her needs met elsewhere.
She moved out in August after 10 years together.
I have a "tentitive" date for NYE.........but will I be expected to do the NYE kiss?? I know this may sound odd, but I've been faithful to the ex since our first kiss in 2001. Even now....casual sex just doesn't interest me at all anymore.
Maybe I'm just being gun shy.
Suggestions.....comments....

[Kätzchen]

... No one's mentioned menopause and its changes and effects on the sex drive, but thus far I haven't noticed much, personally. That's another reason it's so important to take care of ourselves and our bodies as we get into midlife. The day I stop having sex, or feeling sensual with myself, is the day I call it a life.

quihong, I hope it's okay that I excerpt only this part of your post:

Like you and some others here, I cannot say that I have experienced a diminished sex drive over the course of my lifetime. Even with exiting a perio-menopause state: which, technically, if how I understand menopause, it's the state of being that follows the perio-menopause state.

What I was going to say is that for me, even now, my sex drive feels like it always has - I have strong libido, even after going through a very tough, albeit short, perio-menopause state. I think my time was shorter than most maybe because my active menses state began when I was very young (right after I turned 9 years old) with my active menses years extending to when I turned 50. It's just been lately, since summer, that I have been free of my active menses state. Even when I entered into an perio-menopause trajectory, which was the worst ever time of my life (a menses cycle that lasted longer than 8 weeks, then disappeared for several months), my sex drive raged more.

Sometimes, when it comes to diminished sex drives, I have to wonder whether there are other elements that come into play (health issues, for example) or even unresolved relationship/communication issues, because I have to agree with you and others (take Jo's post, for example), that for me too, I think my sex drive would falter if there were unresolved issues or communication barriers impeding upon a person's sex drive... I do believe my sex drive is spark driven.

For the most part, I'm terribly grateful that I feel sparkly (sparky) and that my sex drive seems to be in tact; especially since my own experience with having made it past the perio-menopausal state.

[puddin']

quihong, I hope it's okay that I excerpt only this part of your post:

Like you and some others here, I cannot say that I have experienced a diminished sex drive over the course of my lifetime. Even with exiting a perio-menopause state: which, technically, if how I understand menopause, it's the state of being that follows the perio-menopause state.

What I was going to say is that for me, even now, my sex drive feels like it always has - I have strong libido, even after going through a very tough, albeit short, perio-menopause state. I think my time was shorter than most maybe because my active menses state began when I was very young (right after I turned 9 years old) with my active menses years extending to when I turned 50. It's just been lately, since summer, that I have been free of my active menses state. Even when I entered into an perio-menopause trajectory, which was the worst ever time of my life (a menses cycle that lasted longer than 8 weeks, then disappeared for several months), my sex drive raged more.

Sometimes, when it comes to diminished sex drives, I have to wonder whether there are other elements that come into play (health issues, for example) or even unresolved relationship/communication issues, because I have to agree with you and others (take Jo's post, for example), that for me too, I think my sex drive would falter if there were unresolved issues or communication barriers impeding upon a person's sex drive... I do believe my sex drive is spark driven.

For the most part, I'm terribly grateful that I feel sparkly (sparky) and that my sex drive seems to be in tact; especially since my own experience with having made it past the perio-menopausal state.


i second dis emotion...

[girl_dee]

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

[~ocean]

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

I agree w/ u both ~~ u love for better or worse ~~ btw HI (((( dee )))) :)

[SaltyButch]

This term "lesbian bed death" is one that has been around for forever, it's unfortunate that negativity prevails over all. I can only speak to my experiences, and I have been in relationships where the sex was plentiful and waned and regained momentum. The reason mostly is not because you lack the physical desire but that we are emotional beings and therefore when our emotions come into play all aspects of our life are affected.

I am in agreement that sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship but it is important and to me can be the glue...if I am physically separate from someone for any length of time I feel disconnected. Of course, if my partner has some ailment that presents a challenge that is a whole different ballgame and I would stay by her side.

The "death" in my opinion is much like "making love" it starts long before you reach the bedroom, and therefore each moment and each day should be one that nurtures the soul of each of you so that your "bed" can flourish.

[sharonsuburbia]

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

i very much agree and i was on the str8 marriage side - no sex ever by my choice but had i not come out and was still married i am there for better or worse just as if now if i was married to another woman i would be
:canoworms:

[homoe]

I know it’s always been associated with lesbians but really isn’t “death bed" prevalent with all relationships whether heterosexual or homosexual? What nincompoop had to assoicate it just with lesbians?

[macele]

sex is over rated. now affection, lesbians know affection better than anybody LOL.

[not2shygrrl]

I have been the cause of lesbian bed death and I have received the same result by another.

When I have caused it, on more than one occasion it was directly in relation to my emotions over a period of time while in the relationship. After attempts to work through couples issues that normally come up......I start drifting into the I am losing my desire for you space. That is to say the longer these issues take to address, or get ignored, or attempted to get through only to fall back, the less I want to be intimate with her. I can only do part of what is needed in the relationship at this point, there has to be effort on the other side. SO when that effort is non existent, or seriously lacking over a period of time, that speaks to my emotions and rather than be conditional, my libido kicks in at some point and slowly ebbs away. I won't fake it or pretend either way. It is not easy to go through, and what was wanted was the emotional substance that was lacking. I am a patient woman, but if I feel used and issues are not addressed, the ebbing starts. Sex is not the most important thing in my idea of a relationship, but it sure is pretty important. Let me add that intimacy most of the time for me does not always involve sex. And said intimacy will and can help carry the non-existence presence of sex, again tho, there are two people who need to participate in this......

[*Anya*]

Even if you haven't heard of "IT," you most likely have experienced it. Lesbian Bed Death is a phrase coined by Pepper Schwartz and Phillip Blumstein in 1983 from a study they conducted on diminished sexual activity in long-term relationships.

Basically, it’s the term used to describe the death knell of the monogamous sex life of a couple. Their study included monogamous lesbian, gay and heterosexual couples.

http://www.shewired.com/lifestyle/naked-truth-lesbian-bed-death?page=full

All long-term couples have a decrease in sexual activity.

Lesbian bed death is a myth that will not die.


"You Can Tell Just By Looking": And 20 Other Myths about LGBT Life and People
By Michael Bronski, Ann Pellegrini, Michael Amico

A totally irritating myth specifically about lesbians.

You don't hear a catchy phrase called"heterosexual bed death" do you?

:bedfuck:

[imperfect_cupcake]

No, with heterosexuals, it's just called "bed death." there is no sexuality qualifier on it. My het friends bitch about it. The women, usually.

[not2shygrrl]

Call it by any name or label that you choose (people in general and no one specific). It is not a bed death sentence, but a term used to give or lead to information/discussion. This can apply to relationships over all and not exclusive to lesbians. I would not begin a statement saying I have lived/done this lesbian bed death in relationships with my boyfriend for example....LOL I have never even had a boyfriend. What I apply it to is me...being a lesbian. So yea, the following stands true, and the terminology for me is fine. The interpretation over the course of 20 years or so has been askew no doubt from the original usage. Something is told over and over again and we all know what happens, how that info changes and even the intent of the info or how it is used. There have been many times that I have felt trounced upon by words for being a lesbian, this set of words does not phase me negatively. This post is the first time I have heard the term, and it is not something I would adopt into my language usage. Just because I would rather more fully describe what it means to lose desire than use the "slang" .


I have been the cause of lesbian bed death and I have received the same result by another.

[iamkeri1]

I am a well educated, fairly attractive, fairly successful female. I'm an adult and I know that I should not have to depend on how I am seen by others, or specifically by my partner for my self image. I don't know if I have a strong sex drive or not. I just know that if my partner puts energy into keeping me satisfied sexually, it will go a long way toward helping me be happy in the relationship as well. They will not be sorry for this effort on my behalf. In return, I will do everthing in my power to help them be happy.

But if my partner does not desire me sexually, does not seek me out for sexual intimacy, or respond positively when I seek them out, or if I am prevented by role boundaries that they set up from even being allowed to initiate sexual activity beween us, then, I'm sorry to say, as politically incorrect as it is, I START FEELING LIKE SHIT about myself.

If I share my feelings with them about my desire for sexual interaction with them, and they make excuses, make no effort to increase the level of sexual activity in our relationship, then I am sorry to say that things begin to go down hill between us. I begin to feel unloved and undesirable. I start noticing things that they are doing that I do not like, or which affect me negatively. I start running a tally in my head about who is doing "more" in the relationship. I review things that they have said to me, or told me they would do to see if they are keeping their word to me in other parts of our relationship. And I get ANGRY! I am meeting their needs, how can they choose to leave my needs unmet? My interest in pleasing them grows less. I begin to react negatively to them touching me in any way. I don't wish to kiss them or have any kind of intimacy. I want to sleep in a separate room. Leads to one f-d up relationship. And it makes me start looking for the door. I agree with Jo that while an intimate (in every non-sexual way) relationship is a wonderful thing to have, it is not what I want from my partner.

Medications may reduce desire, pain may make "positioning" more difficult, depression makes it harder, other activities get in the way, life happens, blah blah blah. As citybutch says, you have to commit to make time for each other and sexual interaction. Turn the television off, send the kids and grand kids home, take a pain pill or anti-depressant, pick a spot that is comfortable for you, and lets get at it.


Banish bed death from the world!!!

Smooches,
Keri

[imperfect_cupcake]

it depends on the couple and the priority sex takes for them. for some people sex isn't even near the top of the list as they get older. for some people it becomes increasingly important.

I know couples that are perfectly happy having sex once or twice a month. sometimes couples go through six months of no sex because of kids, jobs, stress, deaths, whatever. in the long run, if you are with someone for the rest of your life. I know I've gone months when really down without wanking when I've been on my own and its really hard to dump myself over it.

however I couldn't do that indefinitely with a partner.

this is why I think its important to get to know someone sexually first before making a commitment. I know.people are down on casual sex, but it's the only way I know how to get to know people sexually as well as intellectually and emotionally before I decide if its a good idea to commit to anything.

[oboejive]

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

[oboejive]

I am a well educated, fairly attractive, fairly successful female. I'm an adult and I know that I should not have to depend on how I am seen by others, or specifically by my partner for my self image. I don't know if I have a strong sex drive or not. I just know that if my partner puts energy into keeping me satisfied sexually, it will go a long way toward helping me be happy in the relationship as well. They will not be sorry for this effort on my behalf. In return, I will do everthing in my power to help them be happy.

But if my partner does not desire me sexually, does not seek me out for sexual intimacy, or respond positively when I seek them out, or if I am prevented by role boundaries that they set up from even being allowed to initiate sexual activity beween us, then, I'm sorry to say, as politically incorrect as it is, I START FEELING LIKE SHIT about myself.

If I share my feelings with them about my desire for sexual interaction with them, and they make excuses, make no effort to increase the level of sexual activity in our relationship, then I am sorry to say that things begin to go down hill between us. I begin to feel unloved and undesirable. I start noticing things that they are doing that I do not like, or which affect me negatively. I start running a tally in my head about who is doing "more" in the relationship. I review things that they have said to me, or told me they would do to see if they are keeping their word to me in other parts of our relationship. And I get ANGRY! I am meeting their needs, how can they choose to leave my needs unmet? My interest in pleasing them grows less. I begin to react negatively to them touching me in any way. I don't wish to kiss them or have any kind of intimacy. I want to sleep in a separate room. Leads to one f-d up relationship. And it makes me start looking for the door. I agree with Jo that while an intimate (in every non-sexual way) relationship is a wonderful thing to have, it is not what I want from my partner.

Medications may reduce desire, pain may make "positioning" more difficult, depression makes it harder, other activities get in the way, life happens, blah blah blah. As citybutch says, you have to commit to make time for each other and sexual interaction. Turn the television off, send the kids and grand kids home, take a pain pill or anti-depressant, pick a spot that is comfortable for you, and lets get at it.


Banish bed death from the world!!!

Smooches,
Keri

Keri, I can completely relate to what you said. I feel horrible when my partner doesn't want to be sexual with me as though I feel like I did something wrong or I am not attractive. I feel like I am attractive, but take it out on myself by emotionally eating (which I hate). She does make excuses but often blames herself for her lack of a sexual interest. I love her dearly, but how to amp sex...? I've tried talking toys, kink, etc. It's craziness.

[SleepyButch]

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

Maybe thinking back to when your partner was sexual might help. What did she like? What turned her on? I don't know that planning sex is the best way to go as it seems like it becomes more of a chore at that point?? Maybe not but that's the way I might see it. Wear some sexy lingerie for her without telling her what you are doing. Play strip poker. See if she will let you give her a massage, relaxing her first and then maybe doing some things that she might consider sexy. Good luck to you and yours!

[SunnySonja]

What SleepyButch said really resonates with me. Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows just like our daily routines and schedules. Sometimes, at least for me, it's a priority and other times it's the last thing on my mind. And then at other times I conversely long for physical touch or may be repulsed by it. I think that dynamic occurs for so many reasons; age, stress, physical limitations (whether actual or perceived), to name a few.

If you are invested for the long haul, then be patient and love her up when and if she is receptive to it. And have fun but don't over-think things too much.

My few pennies. :goodluck:

[RockOn]

I generally have a high sex drive when partnered. Lesbian bed death only happened once that I know of. After some years, I found her ways becoming unattractive. When that happened, I no longer wanted to be sexual with her. Felt so guilty and bad about these confusing feelings for someone I had cared for at one time. Tried to hide it, which was wrong, by making myself once in a while only for her ... but that became really icky for me.
Had to part. It is really the person for me ... the whole person and not just a sexy body. It is her mind, the way she thinks, my not being bored with her conversation because it is not superficial.

my ramblings ...

[firegal]

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

[Kobi]

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?


I cant tell if you are saying the relationship was once sexual and now isnt or if you are saying it was never sexual.

If it was never sexual, you may want to check out Aven (http://www.asexuality.org/home/)

[TruTexan]

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

I don't know your ages, but hormones and depression can sure kill a sex drive. Could she be overly stressed out? It could be that too. Is she on any medication that has libido side effects? That could be something you might want to ask her? I dunno. Just my thoughts.

[firegal]

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

Good GAWD! I need to wear my glasses and turn the lights on..... To avoid the above!

[Sweet Bliss]

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

This speaks volumes. :rofl: :jester:

Speaking for myself only, when the emotional connection is severed, there is NO physical connection either. I must have an emotional connect.

However I understand that for some folks it's a physical issue. Hormones out of balance, disease, or injury. Depression is a biggie.

That said... it's kinda up to the individuals to decide a course of action or inaction.

[firegal]

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

....ok glasses on,good lighting The interpretation is as follows I was in one that had 3yr of death bed, not a loving relationship, I had to move on and I wish her well. We both deserve to be in compassionate loving relationships!

PS Clay is that better .....

[oboejive]

True :) I can see how different circumstances can really play into a lack of sexual intimacy in general. Hmm...don't think too much...that is something I have to learn to definitely do. I guess that would be my biggest downfall sometimes.

What SleepyButch said really resonates with me. Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows just like our daily routines and schedules. Sometimes, at least for me, it's a priority and other times it's the last thing on my mind. And then at other times I conversely long for physical touch or may be repulsed by it. I think that dynamic occurs for so many reasons; age, stress, physical limitations (whether actual or perceived), to name a few.

If you are invested for the long haul, then be patient and love her up when and if she is receptive to it. And have fun but don't over-think things too much.

My few pennies. :goodluck:

[oboejive]

Me too! I've always had a high sex drive, and everything was super peachy at the beginning of the relationship until it went *poof* and disappeared. Then, I began to internalize and wonder if it was me or was it her (and around and around I went in my head...thinking too much). Now, the question is how to bring it back and to do it in such a way that it was like when we first met, but if it can't happen, I guess if it doesn't end up being both ways, I'll have to re-evaluate.


I generally have a high sex drive when partnered. Lesbian bed death only happened once that I know of. After some years, I found her ways becoming unattractive. When that happened, I no longer wanted to be sexual with her. Felt so guilty and bad about these confusing feelings for someone I had cared for at one time. Tried to hide it, which was wrong, by making myself once in a while only for her ... but that became really icky for me.
Had to part. It is really the person for me ... the whole person and not just a sexy body. It is her mind, the way she thinks, my not being bored with her conversation because it is not superficial.

my ramblings ...

[oboejive]

It was very sexual at first and she used to drink a lot but doesn't drink now. I don't know if it was the alcohol or what, but our sexual relationship banished despite the fact that I am frustrated and want to have sex with her only to hear that she's tired or she thinks she has a sexual disorder or the fact that she works between 60-70 hours a week, and we are like passerbys in the night.


I cant tell if you are saying the relationship was once sexual and now isnt or if you are saying it was never sexual.

If it was never sexual, you may want to check out Aven (http://www.asexuality.org/home/)

[oboejive]

She used to be on meds for depression but is no longer, but her job...it's totally stressful I can tell. She works as a clinical director for a substance abuse facility but was doing the job of clinical director and two therapists at once. It was nuts! She comes home exhausted a lot. I'm thinking this has a lot to do with it, but I keep trying to figure out the happy medium :\

I don't know your ages, but hormones and depression can sure kill a sex drive. Could she be overly stressed out? It could be that too. Is she on any medication that has libido side effects? That could be something you might want to ask her? I dunno. Just my thoughts.

[Poss]

and we discuss it like it's a fact about us.

What a terrible thing that heterosexual sexologist woman did. Such a horrible thing to come up with, just because those that took part in the survey don't have physical sex as often as straights and gay guys in the survey did.

I've put up with this crap for 3 decades ...enough is enough! Wouldn't it be ironic if we actually make love with our lesbian partners more often than the other 2 grouped categories do.

Love making for us lesbians encompasses so much more than just physical penetrative type sex practices. The depth of intensity between us is almost mind blowing. That woman probably wouldn't have a clue on how to even begin measuring our way of love making.

We lesbians should never sell ourselves short like this. Be mindful not to view yourself through their eyes!

[SnugglyGirl007]

Love this topic. This has happened in two of my relationships.

Both of them were because I lost complete respect for my lover because of the way they treated me. They literally became unattractive to me over time because of this and the thought of sex with them was basically repulsive.

And these relationships were ON FIRE at first, but sex alone only gets you so far ...

[Tuff Stuff]

I need sex 24/7..I need sex with women 24/7,period *coughs* or not! *snort*

My wife is happy if she has me every weekend..which makes me happy.

They say sex is not everything in a relationship,but to me,it's num.1 on my list.

No lesbian bed death here..unless you count me laying on a lesbian bed and,thinking about death??? :blink:

[*Anya*]

The phrase and stereotype of lesbian bed death irks the shit out of me.

The phrase is from a 1983 study that never seems to die.

How about some newer studies? How about lesbians have more orgasms and sex lasts longer:

"Lesbians are apparently having better sex than straight women.

A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine focuses on how sexual orientation associates with orgasm frequency in single men and women.

Researchers collected responses via a 2011 online questionnaire from 6,151 men and women between the ages of 21 and 65. They then only analyzed those response of a smaller subsample of 2,850 singles -- including 1,497 men and 1,353 women -- who had sex within the past 12 months.

Participants were asked to identify their gender, sexual orientation and percentage of time they orgasm with a familiar partner on a scale of zero to 100.

Although responses from the male participants did not vary much based on sexual orientation -- heterosexual men reported an 85.5 percent orgasm rate, gay men 84.7 percent, and bisexual men 77.6 percent -- responses from women showed notable variation. While heterosexual women reported orgasming 61.6 percent of the time and bisexual women reported 58 percent, lesbian women had the highest orgasmrate at 74.7 percent.

In the study text, the researchers posit the higher lesbian percentage could be attributed to factors such as "self-identified lesbian women are more comfortable and familiar with the female body and thus, on average, are better able to induce orgasm in their female partners." Other reasonings include: length of the sexual encounter, attitude towards gender, sexual roles during intercourse and possible hormonal differences.

Author Justin R. Garcia, MS, PhD, who is an assistant professor of gender studies and a director at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, explained the implications of the findings further in an email to The Huffington Post.

"Little is known about orgasm occurrences among women and men of varied sexual orientations across the adult lifespan," he said. "Understanding the factors that influence variation in orgasm occurrence among sexual minority populations may assist in tailoring behavioral therapies for those of different sexual orientations."

Such a study could offer better insight into better orgasms for all couples, he said.

"Moreover, to the extent that lack of orgasm is seen as a common and unwanted problem, learning more about orgasm in same-sex relationships may inform treatment for men and women in both same-sex and mixed-sex relationships. Consequently, these findings may contribute to promotion of a more informed and positive sexual health care."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/19/lesbians-more-orgasms-straight_n_5691470.htmIs

Lesbian bed death?

"So is there any truth behind “lesbian bed death?” It is true that long-term lesbian couples tend to have sex less frequently over time; however, this effect has also been found in almost every other type of long-term relationship, including mixed-sex and male same-sex couples.

This is not to say that sex usually disappears entirely (although it certainly may in some cases—sexless relationships do exist); rather, the point is simply that a decline in sexual frequency is hardly unique to lesbians.

Also, while lesbian couples do tend to have sex less often compared to other couples, sexual frequency data doesn’t tell the full story. If you only focus on the number of sex acts without considering the duration of each act, you may come to erroneous conclusions about who spends the most and who spends the least total time on sex. Indeed, it may very well be that lesbians have sex less often, but when they do have sex, they do it for longer than average—and this is exactly what research has found.

A recent study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality found that while women in same-sex relationships reported having sex significantly less often than persons in both mixed-sex and male same-sex relationships, women in same-sex relationships reported significantly longer durations of sexual activity than all other groups [2].

Consider this: for women in same-sex relationships, the median (50th percentile) time spent on sex was 30-45 minutes; in contrast, the median for everyone else was 15-30 minutes. Also, whereas about 20% of women in same-sex relationships reported spending an hour or more on sex, durations of this length were much less common among other types of couples.

There were also no differences in sexual satisfaction across couple types, suggesting that any differences in sexual frequency were counterbalanced by differences in sexual duration.

In short, it’s time that the concept of “lesbian bed death” is put to bed once and for all.

While women in same-sex relationships may have sex less often than other couples, their sexual act tends to be longer and they do not appear to be any less sexually satisfied."

[1] Blumstein, P., & Schwartz, P. (1983). American couples: Money, work, sex. New York: Morrow.

[2] Blair, K. L., & Pukall, C. F. (2014). Can less be more? Comparing duration vs. frequency of sexual encounters in same-sex and mixed-sex relationships. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 23(2), 123-136.

http://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2015/3/20/sex-question-friday-is-lesbian-bed-death-a-real-thing

[Poss]

Yep, we lesbians are way more into intimacy and less about quickies. I'll go for quality lovemaking over quantity quick fixes every time.

I don't think I could cope with just 15 to 30 minute sexual interplay moments. I orgasm for longer than that! Straight women don't know what they are missing out on.lol

My partner will be knocking off work now. :cheer: I've only got one thing on my mind now ...mmm I hope my darling's not too tied.

[Shystonefem]

My ex yelled and screamed, at some point, every single day. Hurtful words, name calling, etc... I stayed because I loved her but our sex life went from once or twice each day to maybe once every three weeks.

I am not going to have sex with you if, 2 hours earlier, you were mean and nasty to me.

[Poss]

no wonder she's your ex!

I've never been treated like that by any of my partners to know what you must of gone through. I could not be intimate with anyone who spoke to me like that. She'd get zip satisfaction from me ...that's for sure.

[Jane Bond]

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?<<<

There are many books about rejuvenating one's sexual desire, and for waning desire with a specific mate there are couple's books, too. There also are some meditative, Eastern philosophy practices that apparently ramp things up. Some therapists specialize in revving up couples. My GYN suggested replacement hormones after menopause, but one was an icky smelling cream used vaginally and the others were pills that could cause breast cancer. Living together gives some people the sense that it's too easy; it's always there, so why panic? It's definitely a use it or lose it thing.
I think the trick is to choose a partner whose sexual energy turns you on (and vise versa) at the beginning. If it's not red hot in the beginning, it will never get much hotter from what I've seen, heard, read about and experienced. If both partners work hard to once again be the sexy beasts they were when they first started chasing one another, that's a start.
Also, my wife and I tried this thing she read about where on day one you don't get to touch but you make sure romance is in the air, with music and candles, etc. Next day you get to hold hands but nothing more. One night was really fun when we got to touch all we wanted but not with our hands. By the time we were free to do anything, we did everything. A lot.