A place to post resources

[kassykit]

Just a thread for resources for people who are new, or have questions.

I nolong have any links that are valid myself, but hey it's a good idea!

[Cajun_dee]

If you are looking for a great resource on BDSM go to Fetlife.com

Just remember that it IS a public online BDSM site but also some good info in there.

[Rope]

http://www.leathertraditions.org/

Leather Traditions
Presents

Service Weekend 201

Embracing Your Chosen Path

March 19-21, 2010
San Francisco, CA



It is our belief that the collective experience of those who have come before us is a valuable asset to our community and deserves to be honored and to be shared. The goal of Leather Traditions is to provide continuity within our community through mentoring, education and support.

About the weekend
The purpose of Service Weekend 201 is to provide a supportive environment to explore what it means to be in service to another in the context of leather/BDSM.

The weekend will include workshops, forums and roundtable discussions led by experienced community leaders. There will be an emphasis on mentoring and sharing information as well as an opportunity for peer support.

The weekend is open to those with a sincere interest in the BDSM lifestyle and is designed for those who have accepted service as an integral part of their lives, whether or not they are currently in service to another. It is open to all genders and sexual orientations. This event is not intended to teach technique, but rather to present ideas, share wisdom, provide insight and to inspire.


We are extremely pleased to have as our special guest facilitator and presenter for the weekend slave Alia, in service to Master Skip. Please see slave Alia's bio on our presenter's page (under the About Us tab above).


Service Weekend 201 will be held on March 19-21, 2010 in San Francisco. We have chosen a grand venue that is centrally located and easily accessible.


As usual, participation will be limited to the first 25 approved applicants, and you must be 21 years of age or older at the time of the event.


Registration and fee information for this special weekend is available by clicking on the Registration tab above. An application can be downloaded from the registration page as well.


Questions? Inquiries may be addressed to: ServiceWeekend@leathertraditions.org or
DaddySal@leathertraditions.org

[violaine]

http://www.submissiveloving.com/maledom.html

:flying:

D/s relationships.


"... Below are descriptions of some of the minimum qualifications which a dominant who hopes to be successful in a power-exchange relationship must have. It is not meant to be complete, just to provide you with some of the more important qualities to look for in a potential dominant partner:

Self-Control
If you can't control yourself--your vices, your emotions, your tendency to act out--you cannot control another person. You are too weak and self-indulgent to control another. As mentioned above, all submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive's actions, however you may dislike them, are not about you. They are, rather, about her problems with submitting. Learning not to respond narcissistically--i.e., with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness--when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control. Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes.

Stubborness and Emotional Resilience
People who only imagine that they are dominants and who are suddenly thrust into the position of having to control a real human being face-to-face, often ask a very revealing question: when faced with the initial difficulties of training a submissive and overcoming the onslaught of her confusion or resistance, a situation which requires so much self-control and maturity on their part, they often wonder what it is that the dominant gets out of the relationship besides hard work and grief. An actual dominant never wonders this in any serious sense. He knows what he wants to get out of a power-exchange relationship, and he makes sure, despite the difficulties, that he gets it. A dominants must actually be dominant--must actually have a strong enough will to get his needs met, to insist that he get what he wants out of the relationship. In addition, to someone who is genuinely dominant, overcoming the submissive's resistance in a way that enhances the relationship for both of them is something that, despite his dislike of the actual resistance, he relishes, as in the long run it enhances his control.

ResponsibilityOwning someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When you control another person and can do anything to her that you want to, you have a great responsibility toward her. Some people shallowly liken a dominant's responsibility to that of owning a pet, but it's much more of a duty than that. In terms of the seriousness with which the dominant must take his charge, it's more like having a child. You control this person absolutely, and, assuming that your love your slave, you must make sure that the things that you do--or don't do--are not harmful or damaging to your charge. You have to think first, and carefully, before you speak out in anger. You have to consider how each action you take or decision you make affects your submissive as well as yourself. You have to anticipate how your sub will react to certain things before you commit to them. You're steering the ship. You're the only one in charge. If you truly realize that, then you also know that when things screw up and don't work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before you and who must follow your orders; it is your responsibility, and yours alone.

Maturity
A dominant has to be grown up enough to take the responsibility when things go wrong. A child in an adult's body, on the other hand, blames every bad thing or misfortune that befalls him on others. Nothing is ever his responsibility. It's always someone else who has screwed up. A mature person also has patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out. Some things in power-exchange take a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to have the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without giving up or losing heart. A mature person is able to keep perspective: he doesn't see every little blow up or emotional difficulty from his submissive as a sign that the relationship isn't working or as some symptom of the fact that his submissive doesn't love him. A mature dominant also knows how to walk the very fine line between not letting his submissive partner's emotional difficulties rule him on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature person tends to have a calm, even personality that isn't rocked by every little incident that life throws at him. A mature dominant can be looked up to by his submissive partner, leaned on, seen as a pillar of strength and support--at all times, not just when he finds it fun or easy to play that role. A mature dominant has a good understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and knows, in general, what works and what doesn't work when dealing with a submissive. He doesn't have to learn all of this by experimenting on you.

Trustworthiness
This may be the most important quality that a dominant must have. Someone who is completely dependent upon another person and who exists only to please that person has to know that her dominant is reliable and consistent--and especially that he is capable of keeping his word. A dominant isn't trustworthy just because he says he is. He's trustworthy when he proves to you, with consistent actions over a long period of time, that he does what he says he is going to do and when he says he will do it, that he tells you the truth and doesn't deceive you, that you can come to him with your problems, whatever those problems may be, and rely on him to lend a sympathetic, loving ear and not to reject you just because those problems make him feel insecure, confused, or upset.

Experience and Knowledge
It helps immensely if a dominant knows what he is doing--knows which activities are safe and which put a submissive in danger physically or psychologically, understands how to get to know his submissive--to delve deeply into her personality so that he can better control her, knows how to keep her serving him happily and enthusiastically, and knows how actually to control someone. Most people who want to be dominants don't have the slightest idea of how to do the any of this. They may have had a little success at doing fantasy scenes on the computer, and they think this childish play, which anyone--even a submissive like myself--could learn to do convincingly with a couple of day's practice makes them experienced and worldly dominants. Or they may learn from the terrible S&M advice and ettiquite books on the market that there are "training methods" or formulae that work universally with all submissives (nothing is further from the truth). Or they may have gone to a couple of play parties, seen the performances put on by individuals who are only slightly less ignornant than themselves (although these playes will usually do everything within their power to convince you they are S&M experts) and concluded that really controlling someone closely resembles these staged and artificial scenes done mostly to impress an audience with how skilled or cool you are. Learning how to control someone, how to overcome her resistances (every submissive who experiences real, permanent dominance resists), how to handle each new situation that comes up takes a great deal of knowledge or experience, and there's an art to it as well. It's complex, as each individual situation requires a different, noncanned or stereotyped response. Most people in the Scene, most people who call themselves dominants and promote themselves as wise S&M gurus, know nothing about any of this. They're fumbling around in the dark. A dominant either learns this kind of thing from many, many years in the school of hard knocks or from learning from another dominant who already has this knowledge.

Desire
It's a sad fact that many people who call themselves dominants these days have absolutely no idea of what to do with a submissive once they are alone in the same room with one. As long as they can bluster and preen and pretend on line or at a distance or for a short period of time they do fine. But once they actually have a real person to deal with 24 hours a day, they quickly run out of ideas. Most of these people have none of the essential qualities described above, and they don't really want any of the difficulties or hassles that controlling someone always involves. They want to be dominant entirely for the ego boost, or because they believe that it's an easy way to get girls to do what you want them to, or because it all sounds so much funner and easier than a conventional relationship. They are not control freaks. They are not truly dominant. If they were, they'd accept the hassles and difficulties involved with control, as they'd relish that control so much that they would be willing to deal with any problems it brings. Most self-styled dominants, however, do not really want to control another's life, they do not want to own a slave (although they often believe that they do until they find one), and when confronted with the realities of ownership, they run away, abandoning their responsibilities. The most common form of running away, of abdicating the dominant's responsibility, is to blame all the relationship problems on the submissive, pretending that she is ultimately the responsible one. This is the most common situation that Jon and I hear about from the many submissive people who write us to ask for advice.

Unhealthy Control - Warning Signs of the Non DominantBy Cerina X (all rights reserved)

1) Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.

A) Isolating the submissive from family and friends
B) Discouraging self sufficient behavior
C) Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant
D) Out of control jealousy

2) Explosive temper

3) Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way

4) Abuses drugs/alcohol

5) Does not take responsibility for mistakes

6) Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive

A) Emotional blackmail
example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.

B) Emotional Withdrawal
example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.

C) Withdrawal of affection

Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.

[MrSunshine]

Excellent link, here's more...



When Times Get Tough Don't Get Selfish


Guidance for when our dominants are going through a difficult period.

I will be the first submissive to admit this. I am selfish about my needs. I am selfish about Master's time and attention. When I do not get it I can become not so pleasant to be around. I forget that I am here to fulfill HIS needs and that mine will be met as a result of fulfilling his needs. I am sure your question might be, "if I am always fulfilling the dominant's needs how can mine be met"? I've asked that same question and you are in luck today because I have the answer.

We have taken our time and have chosen the right dominant to serve. By that I mean we have chosen One we feel will best fulfill our needs. So if we have done that it stands to reason that if we keep the dominant's needs met and he/she is happy, we will reap the benefits of a satisfied dominant. I have found this to hold true through trial and error. If Master is not getting enough rest, if his mind is preoccupied by the amount of mail piling up, if his physical needs are not being met, I can guarantee that my life reflects the chaos in his. The stress on the relationship begins to build. I might act out to get more attention and I am sure you can imagine just how well THAT goes over. I lose sight of what the true problem is and begin to harbor insecurity and doubt. "Does he not want me anymore? Do I not make him happy? What is wrong with me"?

Relax.
It is common for submissives to panic and blame themselves but you must not lose focus of your role in this relationship. Once balance is returned to the dominants life balance will be returned to yours.

Be Patient.
I do know how difficult that can be but you must make the sacrifice and concentrate on what will better serve the relationship in the long run. If the dominant is suffering from a great amount of stress it is not going to make life any better to have you added as yet another problem. This is not the time to be high maintenance. This is the time to prove yourself to be a valuable and indispensable asset. You CAN do it.

Find other outlets to relieve your stress over the situation other than placing your fear and insecurity in the dominant's lap. Exercise, read books, clean the house, talk to friends. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself calm.

Create a serene and safe atmosphere for the dominant to voice concerns and share problems. You will only be able to help if you have all the facts. You need to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. Let your dominant know through your words and actions that he/she has nothing less than your full support and that you have his/her needs in mind.

[MrSunshine]

Tolerance


The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others.


The word, "tolerance", is tossed about on bdsm web sites, chat rooms, newsgroups, at munches, and play parties, but I've rarely seen it in action. To date, it appears tolerance is only used with others who have similar beliefs but God help anyone who comes along who practices D/s or bdsm in a completely different manner than the "norm". I've witnessed enough feeding frenzies and verbal lynch mobs to know this is the truth.

As a submissive or dominant learning and practicing tolerance is a must. You will meet many people on your journey who will be completely different from yourself and by employing tolerance you stand a good chance of not only broadening your horizons but deepening your understanding of dominance and submission. Not one of us was born with the knowledge of how to be a submissive or a dominant, and only by keeping our minds open can we expect to better ourselves. Tolerance is not about agreeing with others or forcing ourselves to think as they do. It is about respecting people's right to their own opinions, ideas, and way of life. It is an honorable and desirable trait every submissive and dominant should learn and utilize. Remember, there is no "one true way" to be a submissive, a dominant, or practice D/s, and a closed mind never benefits from life's necessary lessons.

[Indianaguy]

"Most people in the Scene, most people who call themselves dominants and promote themselves as wise S&M gurus, know nothing about any of this. They're fumbling around in the dark. A dominant either learns this kind of thing from many, many years in the school of hard knocks or from learning from another dominant who already has this knowledge." violaine

A most thorough and infomative post, violaine , thank you. I quoted this part because I have experienced this before with a friend of mine. He had confided in me some time agothat he was interested in D/s and I willingly shared with him what I believed to be healthy and unhealthy attributes pertaining to D/s. Since I know him well, I was reticent to believe that he had the type of personality to be a healthy Dom. We discussed this a great length as I engaged him on this topic frequently and I always walked away feeling uneasy. My friend is not wholly confident, which is not necessarily a negative D/s trait, but combined with his egocentric sense of self, I knew that he was not in a place to be a healthy, safe, and sane Dom.

In my experiences, not only is healthy confidence important, but also being humble. When ones ego is taking up so much space, there is no room to be humble. With no room to be humble then there is little opportunity to listen, process, and understand your sub's needs, desires, and fears, etc. Without humbleness, there is no openness for learning and understanding. Whether new to being a Dom or well seasoned, there is much to be learned and gained from a new partner such as confidence, but without arrogance nor bravado. Learning also requires patience. Not only have I learned from other Doms, but I have learned and gained experience just by listening to my sub partner(s). They [subs] have much to share, teach, and show, but a healthy Dom must be humble enough to listen and learn from their sub. Communication is key, but a willingness to be humble is equally so. I am grateful to my submissive partners as they have been crucial in shaping me to be as good and as healthy of a Dom as I can be and I am still learning.

Lastly, I believe that there is much to learn just in the power of sharing and I have shared my experiences today. What I have shared here reflect solely my opinions and mine alone.

Frej

[AtLast]

From a post- so I can ask a question:

Unhealthy Control - Warning Signs of the Non DominantBy Cerina X (all rights reserved)

1) Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.

A) Isolating the submissive from family and friends
B) Discouraging self sufficient behavior
C) Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant
D) Out of control jealousy

2) Explosive temper

3) Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way

4) Abuses drugs/alcohol

5) Does not take responsibility for mistakes

6) Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive

A) Emotional blackmail
example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.

B) Emotional Withdrawal
example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.

C) Withdrawal of affection

Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do not practice leather sexuality and have good friends that do. My experience with BDSM in this manner goes way back in my life. Years ago, I shared office space and became close with a gay man and his partner that practiced BDSM in their relationship and for a long time, other than reading literature, this was the venue in which I felt free to ask questions. Also, I worked with this colleague as a couple's therapist and we used to crack-up at the fact that I utilized a lot of BDSM negotiating material in my work with patients. A well-kept secret (practiced in a less-than-open geographical location!)!!

Anyway- this list delving into unhealthy control factors in D/s relationships is great and obviously goes far beyond BDSM in its application to couples.

My question, or personal observation is this- I see a lot of B-F people use D/s/BDSM terms to describe their relationship dynamics that is just false and sometimes very unhealthy/abusive and veil this under the guise of the D/s dynamic. Does this happen a lot in the B-F community? It often feels like one member of the couple is spinning a yarn of false knowledge to manipulate the other.

Am I off-base here? This might be coming from a place of being someone that tends to like to see credentials. Where I live, there are many avenues to gain knowledge about leather sexuality and safety. Although, this remains a very negatively judged sexually minority, so I bet many people still have a lot of fear around participating in workshops, classes, etc. Perhaps I am also being far too pedantic, thus, serving up just another brand of negative judgment, too.

[Tommi]

Just a thread for resources for people who are new, or have questions.

I nolong have any links that are valid myself, but hey it's a good idea!

Just a link (see below) for the Reunion Fundraiser...

Raffle Pimp

[AtLast]

bump......

From a post- so I can ask a question:

Unhealthy Control - Warning Signs of the Non DominantBy Cerina X (all rights reserved)

1) Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.

A) Isolating the submissive from family and friends
B) Discouraging self sufficient behavior
C) Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant
D) Out of control jealousy

2) Explosive temper

3) Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way

4) Abuses drugs/alcohol

5) Does not take responsibility for mistakes

6) Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive

A) Emotional blackmail
example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.

B) Emotional Withdrawal
example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.

C) Withdrawal of affection

Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do not practice leather sexuality and have good friends that do. My experience with BDSM in this manner goes way back in my life. Years ago, I shared office space and became close with a gay man and his partner that practiced BDSM in their relationship and for a long time, other than reading literature, this was the venue in which I felt free to ask questions. Also, I worked with this colleague as a couple's therapist and we used to crack-up at the fact that I utilized a lot of BDSM negotiating material in my work with patients. A well-kept secret (practiced in a less-than-open geographical location!)!!

Anyway- this list delving into unhealthy control factors in D/s relationships is great and obviously goes far beyond BDSM in its application to couples.

My question, or personal observation is this- I see a lot of B-F people use D/s/BDSM terms to describe their relationship dynamics that is just false and sometimes very unhealthy/abusive and veil this under the guise of the D/s dynamic. Does this happen a lot in the B-F community? It often feels like one member of the couple is spinning a yarn of false knowledge to manipulate the other.

Am I off-base here? This might be coming from a place of being someone that tends to like to see credentials. Where I live, there are many avenues to gain knowledge about leather sexuality and safety. Although, this remains a very negatively judged sexually minority, so I bet many people still have a lot of fear around participating in workshops, classes, etc. Perhaps I am also being far too pedantic, thus, serving up just another brand of negative judgment, too.