Pressure to "prove" yourself?

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?

[Diva]

I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?


I was married to a man for 15 years.
No one seems to doubt who I am.
And even if they DID, it's none of their damn business.

It's not YOUR friends' business, either. :)

Just my opinion.

[Jesse]

If they were truly your friends, it would not matter to them whether you are str8, bi, queer or whatever. Sounds like you may need some new friends...some with more maturity and less perviness.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Oh, I was just wondering if anyone else experiences this at all... haha, I pretty much just wave them off - I think part of it is, my best friend wants to see me with a guy because I've had so many heartbreaks with women, but honestly, me being a lesbian and her being straight is one of the reasons our friendship has lasted nearly eleven years... :lol2:

[rlin]

i am assuming that your friends are young...

its talk for the sake of having something to say... tell them to go fuck themselves and see if that makes them bisexual...

its just words...

you know who you are... you will find out who you will be...

let them eat... cake...

[EnderD_503]

Doesn't matter what a person's sexual orientation is, they don't need to prove it to anyone. Unfortunately there are probably always gonna be people who try to tell you who you are or that will be in denial of what/who you are, especially when it comes to sexual orientation or gender identity where people always seem to think it's a "phase"...but again, it's none of their business.

[princessbelle]

I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?

You know....the world is full of all kinds of people. Some are very hurtful and meaning to be, others may be curious and not know how to express that or not really know what to say or how to handle news that is foreign to them.

I've heard it all honey. Many of us have. Take it in stride. Educate them when you feel you want to or they are worth it. Let it go if they are not.

Main thing...YOU know who you are, what your boundries are and how you ID yourself. Try to know that in your heart....that is all that really matters.

Like, Diva, I was married to a bio man. That does not make anyone bisexual, just as it don't make you bisexual if you "kissed" one. YOU have to know who YOU are.

It does help to have a group of friends that do understand....as on here and if there are ones locally. Surely, there is an LGBT group around somewhere.

We all want to be accepted...i do understand.

*hugs.

[Strappie]

For me... Nobody questions whether I am or not.. they (str8 ppl) say ... Oh hell she is gay. I guess I look like what they see in their eyes as the "normal" look for gays.

[DomnNC]

Hey, next time your male friends do that, tell em to set you up on a date night with their girlfriend, tell em to tell her it's ok if she spends the entire night with you and SHE can tell them the next day if you're a lesbian or not! chuckles

[Gemme]

I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?

I think your friends want to watch free soft porn, or at the very least, an R rated kiss. Did the fact that they are male and it's widely known that one of the ultimate dreams of many guys is to watch two women getting it on occur to you?

I'd have a mouthful to say to them, but then again, they're not my friends and I don't give a rat's ass about being nice to them. :cheesy:

[Jess]

I think there is a great deal of projection people do when they find out someone ( particularly someone they thought they "knew") turns out to be wired differently than they expect them to be.

The general disbelief often makes them question themselves or other folks close to them and they just can't fathom it. Often the questioning can be a good thing, but often it can go very wrong and they turn on you.

Then again, there are a lot of "spaghetti lesbians" around "straight until wet", so a lot of folks do just think it's a trend or something being experimented with.

For me, I choose my friends very carefully and I choose very few. I choose not to hang out with and/or invest time in folks who are so small minded as to not be able to see beyond their personal truths. My truth may be different. It does not make theirs wrong ( unless it's just plain wrong..lol). It does make me aware of where and with whom I wish to develop lasting friendships.

Good luck! (f)

[Kobi]

See this is why we need lamentated
"I'm a lesbian" ID cards. Someone add
this to Medusa's list of things to create.

And what the heck is a spaghetti lesbian -
I'm Italian, clue me in.

Seriously tho, having to prove ones sexuality
is an odd request. As long as you know who
you are, it should suffice for those around you.

[kannon]

See this is why we need lamentated
"I'm a lesbian" ID cards. Someone add
this to Medusa's list of things to create.




Great idea!!!!! I'm gonna start making "official" lesbian ID cards. Rainbow included. Maybe throw in a little how to manual....

Seriously though, you don't fit the "look" so it's hard for some people to understand. They just can't quite grasp the concept and probably never will completely.

[diamondrose]

some people like to fit everything in a box. Personally, I like living outside the box. I am me, I am happy, and I am complete. It matters not, what you do in YOUR home or YOUR private life. Live for your personal happiness and for what makes you complete.

[Jaques]

Wear This...............http://http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa44/Dragking1/tshirt.jpg

[sylvie]

I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?

i was married to a bio male for 3 years, and we parented 2 beautiful children together.. i've been in a few relationships since, all different from the other... for me, it's been about growth, discovering myself and walking the journey..i am who i am today, because of the journey i've walked..but none of these sole relationships define me..

anyway, all this to say, no.. i don't have the friends that insist i do that, lol..
just be 'you'.. no one should ever have to prove who they are .. true friends will accept your journey like anyone else's.. ♥ i know my friends do.. (((hugggz)))

[Jess]

See this is why we need lamentated
"I'm a lesbian" ID cards. Someone add
this to Medusa's list of things to create.

And what the heck is a spaghetti lesbian -
I'm Italian, clue me in.

Seriously tho, having to prove ones sexuality
is an odd request. As long as you know who
you are, it should suffice for those around you.



Hey Kobi,
A "spahetti lesbian" is a new term I just heard that jokingly refers to the trendy experimental sexual tourism of lesbianism. Roughly, it means "straight until WET".
I can laugh at it and the irony of the person who made me aware of this phrase, as soon after she was calling someone a spaghetti lesbian, she slept with a guy telling her gf that she was away visiting her sick father. Made me wonder if that makes her a "Bovine hetero" "straight when horny" ??
It is yet another off the cuff slang term ( cause lord knows we don't have nearly enough labels) for primarily hetero women who have sex with women when drunk.

[Chancie]

You already know

You shouldn't have to prove yourself to anyone.

I don't remember where you live, but

Maybe it would be fun for you to make some new queer friends.

I know that when I was newly single,

The best thing I did for myself was to expand my social circle, and I wasn't newly out.

I got to meet a lot of fun people and none of them encouraged me to date men, though

There were plenty of people who thought I was the girliest thing ever.

Sometimes I got to lead butches around on the dance floor.

[Tcountry]

http://sfatshirts.com/pictures/gay-5.gif


heat it up...get it wet...all the same...lol ;)

[PumaJ]

I've been talking a lot with friends about just saying I'm Queer. Not to say that I'm not a Lesbian and not to say I'm not Femme. Rather, it is to stand in the truth, i.e. that I live outside of the mainstream gender ID/sexuality/gender role dichotomy.

My fabulous daughter, who although not a Lesbian despite have a Lesbian & Gay Man as bio parents, did introduce me to a new concept that shook up my brain for a couple of days. We were talking about folks who are Bi vs. those who are hetero but could be sexual with someone else of their same gender/sex. She called such folks "hetero-flexible". Then we talked about Gay men & Lesbians who could be sexual with a woman or man respectively, on a rare occasion, as being "homo-flexible". Different than being Bi because the flex folks are really hetero, Gay or Lesbian. Then we talked about folks who are Gayley Bi. Meaning Bi but leaning toward more involvements with a person of their same gender/sex.

My daughter does ID as Bi, and has been married to my son-in-law forever. They became involved with another male & female married couple almost 2 yrs. ago. Very tight poly relationship now. My son-in-law ID's as hetero-flexible. LOL!

I decided, finally, that it is all getting too complicated, really. Just claiming Queer kind of covers all of us who not hetero. At least to my way of thinking it does.

I can't let it be my problem if folks I know can't get it about me, i.e. how could a woman who is so Femme be a Lesbian? 'Cause truth is, I'm not going to have such folks in my closest circle anyway, so it really doesn't matter.

[dixie]

I don't even ID as lesbian but I wear a cute lil rainbow shirt that says "All the cool girls are lesbians". It gets the point across. Although I think I'm gonna buy some of that new sparkly duct tape to put across the word "lesbians" and use a big sharpie to write "queer", since it's more fitting for me. LOL Maybe it'll cut down on the number of folks who say "But you don't look like a lesbian/queer/homo/etc".

[Sachita]

Oh, I was just wondering if anyone else experiences this at all... haha, I pretty much just wave them off - I think part of it is, my best friend wants to see me with a guy because I've had so many heartbreaks with women, but honestly, me being a lesbian and her being straight is one of the reasons our friendship has lasted nearly eleven years... :lol2:


I dealt with this with friends when I was younger. I didnt fit the typical lesbian mold they expected. My family stopped long ago but my friends, especially my single wild party girl friends wanted me to chase boys with them. It finally became clear i wasn't confused and my consistent behavior set the pace.

there is heartbreak in all relationships. Maybe focus on finding and having positive relationships and that will set an example.

[PumaJ]

I was thinking about this subject, again today whilst giving myself a pedicure and then a manicure. I realized that I have already been just saying I'm Queer, if someone asks.

Thinking back, it seems I really stated to claim Queer back in October. I did so in response to a 20 something Bi guy who was flirting with me. He was being very playful about it, not obnoxious in any way, but after a while I just got tired of dealing with it. So, I finally told him that although I was truly and deeply flattered by his interest, he could save his breath because, "I'm Queer and I'm not into men."

His response was, "Really? You don't look Queer. No wait a minute... I don't know. Since I've moved out here to Hollywood, I never know who is what anymore. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

All I could do is laugh, really. He did looked quite flummoxed. I then informed him that yes I do look Queer because I am Queer. I am a Femme Lesbian, therefore, I look like a Lesbian:-) He didn't really understand what I was stalking about at first regarding Femme. I had to explain it to him. There wasn't any issue or problem, he was just under-informed.

It really is about busting the stereotypes held about Lesbians and Gay Men, I think.

[little man]

I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?


for me? not so much. but, i've never been very feminine.

i think people tend to mostly see the world through the filter of their own experience. if they are straight or bi, that's going to be the baseline they work from. anything outside that is going to be an anomaly.

your guy friends apparently find you feminine and attractive enough that they want "proof" before they're willing to remove you from the list of possibilities. even if you gave them that proof, they most likely wouldn't take you off the list anyway. guys do tend to be optimistic like that.

over the years, i've found that being true to myself weeds out the folks who can't deal. you always have the option to tell them to put a lid on it or get lost. you also have the option to distance yourself from people who bring bullshit into your life or don't bring anything to the table besides their desire to bed you.

people are crazy. :)

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Well, for example, I have developed emotional feelings for a guy friend of mine that I have known for six years.

However, I'm not sexually attracted to him in any way, and would never have a relationship with him. I don't see my feelings developing further, either.

I'm completely gay. *shrug* These things just happen, I guess.

[Gemme]

My fabulous daughter, who although not a Lesbian despite have a Lesbian & Gay Man as bio parents, did introduce me to a new concept that shook up my brain for a couple of days. We were talking about folks who are Bi vs. those who are hetero but could be sexual with someone else of their same gender/sex. She called such folks "hetero-flexible". Then we talked about Gay men & Lesbians who could be sexual with a woman or man respectively, on a rare occasion, as being "homo-flexible". Different than being Bi because the flex folks are really hetero, Gay or Lesbian. Then we talked about folks who are Gayley Bi. Meaning Bi but leaning toward more involvements with a person of their same gender/sex.

My daughter does ID as Bi, and has been married to my son-in-law forever. They became involved with another male & female married couple almost 2 yrs. ago. Very tight poly relationship now. My son-in-law ID's as hetero-flexible. LOL!



I've heard that term and also the term 'flexual' for those who can float easily between differently gendered partners.

[AtLast]

I was thinking about this subject, again today whilst giving myself a pedicure and then a manicure. I realized that I have already been just saying I'm Queer, if someone asks.

Thinking back, it seems I really stated to claim Queer back in October. I did so in response to a 20 something Bi guy who was flirting with me. He was being very playful about it, not obnoxious in any way, but after a while I just got tired of dealing with it. So, I finally told him that although I was truly and deeply flattered by his interest, he could save his breath because, "I'm Queer and I'm not into men."

His response was, "Really? You don't look Queer. No wait a minute... I don't know. Since I've moved out here to Hollywood, I never know who is what anymore. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

All I could do is laugh, really. He did looked quite flummoxed. I then informed him that yes I do look Queer because I am Queer. I am a Femme Lesbian, therefore, I look like a Lesbian:-) He didn't really understand what I was stalking about at first regarding Femme. I had to explain it to him. There wasn't any issue or problem, he was just under-informed.

It really is about busting the stereotypes held about Lesbians and Gay Men, I think.

I have had some very tough conversations about "queer." think that this has mostly been due to generational interpretations. Queer to someone in my generation or older always brings up it meaning gay men, only. Yikes! And it is amazing how often I can still run into people that just can't (or won't) see a woman as lesbian if she is "feminine."

Yes, bust those stereotypes!

[smouldering]

I haven't really had to "prove" myself as being queer, but I am always assumed straight if I am out alone. Back when I was a tad younger I did have a couple instances where butches would approach me, thinking I was straight, and then when they found out i was already on their team.. they weren't so interested anymore *shrugs* but thats really as far as its gone for me, minus men flirting anyway lol.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I feel very much alone in that I am not able to prove anything to anyone. I am just me. What is inside just never comes out right or it comes out ass backwards. I will let my angels, Guardian Angel, St. Michael, and St. Jude fight my battles for me. I really have no other means of fighting any battles.

In the meantime, I will continue on being just me.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I pretty much "look straight." At least, according to everyone I know, haha. It's frustrating because sometimes I contemplate hacking my hair off - not that I'd really do it, because I've been growing my hair out way too long to ruin it - but just the fact that it would make a difference is kind of ridiculous :rolleyes:

[Chinajewelry]

Yes! It's stupid and backwards.. I'm a femme and no one ever thinks I'm a lesbian. They think it's hard to believe. I end up doing silly and obvious things like wearing rainbows. I don't get noticed by girls, and I'm kinda shy so that sucks!

[Girl_On_Fire]

Yes! It's stupid and backwards.. I'm a femme and no one ever thinks I'm a lesbian. They think it's hard to believe. I end up doing silly and obvious things like wearing rainbows. I don't get noticed by girls, and I'm kinda shy so that sucks!

I can identify with this. I have a rainbow necklace myself. lol! This is sometimes why online dating is so much easier. Still, I get those "you're a lesbian" comments. Well, no I identify as queer but yeah, I'm queer. It's very annoying and condescending especially if some biological man thinks you just haven't met the right one yet.

[Chinajewelry]

It's very annoying and condescending especially if some biological man thinks you just haven't met the right one yet.


Yes! Well put. They think that if they can get us in bed they can prove to us that it's really a man we want. Like, they don't realize how ridiculous that sounds!? Persistent little buggers too haha

[Chinajewelry]

Pretty much every straight male friend I've had ends up trying to get with me. I thought that they would you know, leave it alone once I told them I'm gay, but nah, In fact, a guy that was my best friend for a time actually tried to persuade me that I was in love with him even though I'm a lesbian. :seeingstars: Like what!? He was all "Don't think of me as a male, just think of me as a person" and he was convinced that it meant I was in love with him because I blushed when he was telling me that he loved me. That took a toll on our friendship needless to say.

[TruTexan]

I've never been Asked to prove myself, however I've been postured in real life by someone that ID'd as male and it just left me peeved. Oh come on now what was that, high school, grade school, jeebus. What in the heck? lol
I don't posture back and forth and don't feel the need to prove my butchness to anyone that ID's differently than I do; let alone as a lesbian to my lesbian friends.

[Rockinonahigh]

Proving my self has been and issue for a long time,I don't think I need to do that one bit but it seems like I end up doing it anyway even when I don't expect it.
Not long age I was playing a game of 8 ball one of the players on my team said,dam you play just like a man.I just said whatever then wen't on with the game.I offen have the same person holler at the break,break the wrack like a man damit.I just ignore it cause it dosent make me one way or the other.Ignorance is bliss for some people.

[fatallyblonde]

I don't really get it from my friends, cos they're all queer lol XD but I have definitely experienced the incredulity and disbelief...

... I have been discussing elsewhere with others the last few months about how homophobia makes a life of 100% homosexual or same gender attracted behaviour basically impossible. A lot of women will have at least some experiences with a man because of societal pressure not to be gay. Homophobic people will often cite this as 'proof' homosexuality is just a phase when actually it's because the pressure and stigma and difficulty of being gay can be too much to deal with. Internalised homophobia can also be a factor, a very painful one. The whole world around us is telling us the way we love is wrong, unhealthy, gross, sick... I know I have been with men in the past when it just felt easier and I know others looked at that and were like "AH HAH! SHE'S NOT A REAL LEZZO AFTER ALL! JUST A STRAIGHTIE!" they could never understand. I feel like the world at large is often WAITING for us to "end up" with a man and has a grossly simplistic, shallow comprehension of the vast and varying ways homophobia and misogyny can intersect with our desires and dating practices and such.


I actually have a stalker at the moment (long story) who is continuously attacking my sexuality claiming I am a 'pretendbian' for 'social cred'. I find this incredibly upsetting, especially as my entire adult life has been spent as an active member of the queer community and in relationships with women but she is using the couple of times I have been with men (incl trans men) as 'proof' the rest is a sham... (incidentally this woman up until the last year claimed to be 100% straight and not interested in women at all)... it is again a toxic example of the kind of sexuality policing women are subjected to that doesn't take into account our environment and what kind of attitudes we are inured in... (after all some women never ever get the chance to come out and spend their whole lives in relationships with men... that's the impacts of homophobia...) and how we negotiate that and attempt to deal with it. I have PTSD and as a consequence have been very sexually dysfunctional for a couple of years and something this onslaught of hers has made me afraid of is of pushing myself into situations I'm not ready for or am not comfortable with in order to 'prove' something. It is so toxic and evil.

Homophobia has so much to answer for.

[Deborah*]

I'm truly confident in who I am, and am the architect of my life. I truly don't care how others feel about myself. My inner knowing of myself is what's important, I know my truths and live by them.

Deborah

[Esme nha Maire]

I've never had to prove myself to anybody nor would i. Explain myself, now that's a whole 'nother matter...

[introverted1]

I don't feel pressure to "prove" myself as it were, but being femme, I'm definitely not visible. Nobody would guess I'm a lesbian.

[homoe]

I don't feel pressure to "prove" myself as it were, but being femme, I'm definitely not visible. Nobody would guess I'm a lesbian.

Perhaps you need to get some sort of rainbow thingy? Either a pin or some trinket to give a signal to the butches......just saying couldn't hurt

[introverted1]

Thanks, Homoe...bought myself some rainbow bling yesterday. We shall see what happens!

[MaddieRobbie]

As a femme who loves a little makeup and my long hair, I have often been called out for conforming to a patriarchal/Madison Avenue ideal of "beauty". How I present is occasionally not seen as me expressing my sense of self, and I have been dismissed as someone just going through a phase, a "pretendbian" (a great freaking term) or worse, looking for a third to join me and my husband.

I try and make jokes about me knowing the secret handshake or having left my membership card at home in my flannel shirt, but the truth is it does hurt having to prove myself to others. They don't know the battles with my family over my identity or my own struggle to live my truth and love myself. I tried to conform to what I thought a "lesbian" should look like and that didn't feel right for me, either.

So...I just try and be me. I still get men who don't believe I'm a lesbian (although I bet they go home and think about it later...) and others who feel I femme it up too much, but I can't spend my life worrying about what anyone else thinks, can I? t took me a long time to arrive at this point and I will own every bit of it with pride.

[Bèsame*]

There is absolutely no pressure who I am. I'm not a walking billboard. I'm that very feminine woman, you can't tell. And why would I tell? If the need arises, and I feel comfortable, my wants and desires come out.

No need for men to wonder, there is never a moment to give them a chance. Even some of my friends don't know. There is a time and place for everything. It's my life and I'll expose my lifestyle in due time.

No peer pressure. And I bet I have friends who can vouch for me! 😉

[clementinefemme]

I've found that de-centering men in my life has eliminated this worry. Men mostly want lesbians to "prove" they are gay for one of two reasons: 1) to get them to enact or at least evoke the male fantasy of lesbian sex for them to get off to or 2) by failing to "prove" their lesbianism, implicitly open the door to straight male advances.

Not sure this contributes anything to this thread or not lol. But here are the questions I would suggest asking yourself if you're confronted with this issue:
1. Why do I feel the need to prove anything to this person?
2. Do I feel safe right now? Is this person intentionally making me uncomfortable by asking invasive questions?