7 Rules for Building Safer/Saner Online Communities

[Admin]

Hello All,
I wanted to take a few minutes to post some information that I think is helpful for folks not only on this website but the internet in general.

The internet is a big place. It is often a place where people who don't get the kind of social interaction they desire go to find others with similar interests/backgrounds/likes. While most people just want to have fun or meet someone new, there are people out there who have zero qualms about hurting other people, telling lies, scamming money, or playing chess with people because they don't have anything positive going on in their own lives.

Below is a list of things to keep in mind when traversing the online world:

1. Financial Con Artists - Never EVER give money to someone on the internet unless you are prepared to never see it again, find out they spent it on their girlfriend, or aren't really dying of brain cancer.
People lie, especially when it comes to money. That sweet little thing you have been talking to who says they only need $75 for their light bill could very well be a married man who is just really good at schmoozing.
Giving your money to someone on the internet whom you have either never met or have very little information about is the same as setting it on fire in your driveway.

2. Love Con Artists -
There are some folks out there who will jerk your heart around, want to marry you after having never met you, or profess their undying devotion to you after seeing one picture. This behavior should raise a red flag for you. If someone is moving fast to call you their girlfriend/boyfriend, talking about marriage after 1 date, or trying to move in with you after a phone call, you should stop and ask yourself if they are running toward you or away from something.
Love can feel real good at first. It can make you believe that the fairy tales exist, and they do!, but slowing things down, meeting the person, and taking the time to get to know them never hurt anyone. It may actually prevent you from getting your heart broken and your wallet drained.

3. Gossip is Sometimes not Just Gossip -
If you have heard from 9 different people who are not connected to one another that "Bill" is a con artist, thief, liar, and really doesn't have a mansion in Beverly Hills, then it's probably safe to assume that 9 different, unconnected people didn't get together one day and decide to put a target on someone's back without reason. Sure, gossip is dangerous and ugly but if you hear the same thing from multiple sources? There might be a reason for you to consider the possibility that there might be something going on.

4. Safety Is as Safety Does -
We here at the Planet want to make sure that everyone has a good experience on this site and will do whatever we can to make that happen but you have to take responsibility for your personal safety.
You have to maintain your own safety by not giving strangers on the internet your personal information, money, or even time if you don't know them that well. We can make general rules for what happens in this space but you have to also help yourself by maintaining healthy boundaries. Protect yourself.

5. What You "Know" is Sometimes NOT What You "KNOW" -
Please consider that just because you "heard" that "Jane" is the President of Sony records and a great girl doesn't make it true. Investigate things for yourself. Don't take someone's word, even a friend, if you have the slightest doubt about what someone is telling you. Sociopaths will often come across as very seductive, convincing, and magnetic and can often provide "proof" of what they tell you is true about themselves.
Remember, College "degrees" can be purchased online for about $5 if someone is claiming to be a Nuclear Engineer.

6. Keep it Sane, Silly -
If someone is constantly in crisis, constantly at the center of drama, or always talking about how people are "setting them up", you might want to ask yourself how much time you want to devote to what could be a pretty draining situation. Normal people with normal lives who are functioning on a sane level do not have continuous drama. They also are able to maintain their finances, hold a job, and probably have friends who are longer term than a few months. Ask yourself "Does that sound reasonable?" if someone makes wild claims or tells grandiose stories.

7. Ask for Help -
If you get in a situation where someone is harrassing you, making threats, or generally fucking with you, ask for help either by notifying me or a Moderator. Beyond this site, if you feel that someone is harrassing you notify the proper authorities, their Internet Service Provider, etc.
Lean on your friends and the people who love you as well.


These rules/tips aren't meant to scare or frustrate anyone, just some simple reminders for people making connections in cyberspace.

I have personally made some very dear, long-term friends out in cyberspace - people who have been to my home and who have access to my personal life. I have also been on the receiving end of unwanted attention, con artists who wasted my time and energy with their bullshit drama, and people who have poor social skills trying to spread their damage into the universe.

I choose to believe that most people have good intentions but guard my personal space well against people that I don't know. It might take a little longer to make friends but you can bet your ass that they will be quality friends at the end of the "honeymoon phase". :)

Feel free to discuss or add to this list. Please do NOT use this thread to make swipes at other people or post passive-aggressive shit at someone you are having issues with...cause that makes me real cranky.

Here's to safer and saner community!

[afixer]

<-- not the President of Sony records.








.

[The_Lady_Snow]

BUMP........

[nycfem]

One of the things that I fell for (an old site, member not part of this site) was to think that someone was "safe" to loan money to in their crisis because they were a frequent poster for years. I felt that the person was so entrenched in the community that they wouldn't disappear. I'd also been "friends" with the individual for years, despite never meeting. After wiring a large sum of money upon the person's desperate request, the person DID disappear and never paid me back or contacted me again. I think that some people groom others with the eventual plan to use them. It's easy to feel comfortable with people who we see every day on the site, to want to quickly jump in and help someone who claims to be on the edge of something terrible happening and is asking for money. I realize now that it's never good to get too comfortable.

[nycfem]

I think also that trusting one's instinct is so important. In the situation I described, I used my own money but made the conscious decision not to check in with BB about it first. And that was strange because I check in with BB on everything. A part of me knew that BB would tell me it was a bad idea, and I didn't want to hear it because I wanted to save my "friend" from being kicked out onto the street at Christmas. Of course, I had been assured that a new job was to start right away after the holiday and that I'd be paid back by the end of January (This was over 3 years ago.). After wiring the money, I did tell BB who responded very matter-of-fact, "You'll never get your money back." BB then noted to me how hinky it was that the person was instructing me where to go to wire money and when I said it was too late, that person let me know what time the place closed and that I did have time and that it must be done right at that moment! What I learned from this is to trust that tiny feeling of doubt that nags at the back of one's head, instead of pushing it away. At the very least check with your partner or someone trusted to get their thoughts.

[JustJo]

<--- putting my hand in the air as one who has been completely and totally deceived and suckered in by an online con artist.

Thank you June....and also to you Jennifer for sharing your story. I spent several years all caught up in the drama of someone who turned out to be a pathological liar (and, no....not on this site). I cringe at how many hours I spent talking, listening, worrying....I sent gifts (not hugely expensive, but still)...and then, when we finally did meet in person, bought into the excuses about why I drove for 4 hours each way, when they could only sit and talk for an hour or 2.

Yes, we all have trouble in our lives at times or issues we're working through, but constant drama or stories that sound on the verge of unbelievable are a huge red flag. And, I believe, that most of these people are damn good at spotting the "soft touch" who will feel compelled to help. If someone is reaching out to you....and avoiding the more level-headed or "hard nosed" folks...there's probably a reason.

Don't be afraid to stalk, to ask others, and to doubt. It doesn't make you a bad person...it means you're acting sensibly.

I believe that you can make friends, have community...even meet a wonderful partner online....but I'd say go slow...and pay attention.

[Gemme]

<--formerly suckered but currently unsuckered :blink:

[DapperButch]

One of the things that I fell for (an old site, member not part of this site) was to think that someone was "safe" to loan money to in their crisis because they were a frequent poster for years. I felt that the person was so entrenched in the community that they wouldn't disappear. I'd also been "friends" with the individual for years, despite never meeting. After wiring a large sum of money upon the person's desperate request, the person DID disappear and never paid me back or contacted me again. I think that some people groom others with the eventual plan to use them. It's easy to feel comfortable with people who we see every day on the site, to want to quickly jump in and help someone who claims to be on the edge of something terrible happening and is asking for money. I realize now that it's never good to get too comfortable.

Raising my hand too. Same story. Someone who I had seen posting for years. Someone everyone seemed to like. I had never talked to ANYONE individually for the 10+ years I was on that site until her. Large sum of money. She didn't disappear, but I didn't tell anyone, either. Anyone. Just in case her reasons for not being able to pay me back were true...you know, I didn't want to ruin her rep! :rolleyes: I guess I believed the reasons she couldn't pay it back "just then" too b/c she wasn't the one who wanted to end the online romantic connection. However, even though I was the one that ended the connection, I have a very strong suspicion she wouldn't have paid me back, anyway. (It is not like she still doesn't have my snail mail address!).

Sure wish someone would have said something who noticed our connection. No way in hell I was the first person she did this to. Not that this was anyone's job, of course, but it would have saved me a HECK of a lot of heartache (on many fronts).

I was embarrassed about it. I am not anymore.

[princessbelle]

Geeze maybe we need a thread where people will post that have NOT sent out money. Guilty of more than once which makes me sorta not so brilliant.

Shyly raises hand and am glad i'm not alone. Or i guess maybe i wish i was alone.

I like Gemme's response....and i reiterate...currently...unsuckered.

[Nat]

I don't want any of y'all's money. :) or your secrets. or your girlfriends or boifriends or boyfriends.

Book collections...well :P

[DapperButch]

Geeze maybe we need a thread where people will post that have NOT sent out money. Guilty of more than once which makes me sorta not so brilliant.

Shyly raises hand and am glad i'm not alone. Or i guess maybe i wish i was alone.

I like Gemme's response....and i reiterate...currently...unsuckered.

Maybe we should be called "the site of ex-suckers!"

[scootebaby]

i can honestly say i have never sent money to anyone,BUT i have been suckered into stories...enough times that now i question almost everything and everybody...and of course i try to warn Jo about things...altho she did get fooled(guess i did as well since i was like "that is sad,and it would be very nice of you"

i have learned however if you wait long enough and pay attention ppl will always forget the lies they tell!....as NYC said if you have the slightest inkling sometihng is not quite right,dont ignore it!

[Gemme]

Jennifer and Dapper....a bit of a derail here, but....I borrowed money from a member on another site once and THEY disappeared before I could finish paying them back.

:blink:

Okay, so I knew where they were going (a different continent), but they never sent me their new address to continue the payments.

Carry on......

[MysticOceansFL]

I Totally agree and I was almost con'd by a con artist from online <<<<< But I contacted the Sherriff Dept in my town and they delt with the two people!!! I was lucky.

[Gayla]

I have never sent money to anyone that I knew only online although I have come very, very, very close several times. I have also invested huge amounts of time and energy into relationships (of the friendship kind) with people who have turned out to be less than truthful. Oh, and I've fallen madly in love with two people who turned out to be completely batshit crazy.

I've been online for a really long time, since the days of local BB's and Usenet, and I can't count the number of really amazing people that I've met along the way. I also can't count the number of not so great people that I've met.

Probably the most important thing that I've learned through the years is to do as much as you can to verify that the person you are about to send money to, fly across the country to meet for the first time, give your home phone number or address or place of employment, etc. is who they say they are before you do any of those things. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it can appear as "untrusting". Yes, it can be a mood killer. But the only time I've ever had someone balk was when they had something to hide.

[BullDog]

I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days.

[Daywalker]

I used to watch an Ex of mine lie to folks online a lot.
:|
Wasn't until after we split that I told her all that I knew.
:coffee:

A few years later, and I discovered she hadn't changed a bit.
:doh:

Folks like that run their game too long, and have to move on to other
Communities. I feel safer in knowing many of you have a true heart of Gold.

:gimmehug:

:daywalker:

[Martina]

i also trusted someone who i met online and eventually in person to be what she presented herself as. It was a huge mistake. It was not romantic, but it became potentially dangerous for me. She is unstable. i honestly feel that i am dealing with some PTSD as a result of that connection. It was harrowing.

On the other hand, i met one of my best friends on the other site. She is a light in my life. i would trade all of the bad stuff for her any day. She and i chatted a little in threads and then met at a butch-femme gathering in Detroit and took the friendship into real time from there. i can't tell you the difference that that friendship has made to me. She's the best.

[AtLast]

I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days.

I have met some great people as well. Unfortunately, others are quite unstable and lack boundaries. Yes, lies of omission are staggering! But, I certainly don't see this as specific to B-F sites. Although, I am much more guarded now with befriending people from the site after suffering a couple of traumatic events.

I applaud the admin for drawing attention to safety factors that we all need to pay attention to when relating via the net. Sad, but true.

[1PlayfulFemme]

I have met some great people as well. Unfortunately, others are quite unstable and lack boundaries. Yes, lies of omission are staggering! But, I certainly don't see this as specific to B-F sites. Although, I am much more guarded now with befriending people from the site after suffering a couple of traumatic events.

I applaud the admin for drawing attention to safety factors that we all need to pay attention to when relating via the net. Sad, but true.

I agree completly that it's not just BF sites! There are nutsy people everywhere you look in life, so why not online too? If anything, I think it's easier for them to be convincing online as they have this wonderful screen to hide behind.

I've been fooled. And, I've learned! I've sent money, and I've opened up my home to people who were "about to be kicked out"...who were still here two years later. I blame them and I blame myself. (And we took the "Home for Wayward Lesbians" sign down..that seemed to help!) ;)

I second the voices that say to look into someone before doing anything like sending money/going to see them. Years ago in my most favorite chatroom, we had a bio male who for YEARS convinced us all he was a bio-lesbian-female. It was an LGBT room. There were men galore..but he was straight..and pitiful. The explosions when someone finally decided it was hooky that he was never available to meet up when someone was in his neck of the woods...whew! And it left quite the impression on me...I learned how easy it is for someone to pretend to be something they are not!

I'm thankful that not all the lessons I've learned about people have come at my own expense, and grateful that I tend to be a fast learner!!

Thanks for the thread..and the reminders!! :)

Lis <~~~~Who can provide BFP references ;) *G*

[Chancie]

I've had creepy experiences with three people who were well known in the online bee eff community.

In one instance, there was a butch who got rough with me on a date, and I did mention what happened whenever another femme seemed to be getting to know her. There were times when it was challenging to PM someone I didn't really 'know'. There was a time or two when the femme was sort of pissed off with me, and I decided it was more important to share what I knew than to worry about my dignity.

In another instance, I mentioned to another femme that there was a butch I was talking to who I thought I might meet up with, and she didn't tell me that she was also talking to the same butch, and that she had asked the butch for money for some bill.

In the third story, there was a femme who was very jealous of me, not that I was ever lovers with her butch, or even interested in her butch, after the initial, Oh, hubba, she's handsome. This femme was physically aggressive with me in public, more than once. No, I am not kidding.

[hpychick]

This is great information!!! Thanks for posting it, and being brave enough to post your stories!

Sunny

[Andrew, Jr.]

Rosie & I had a horrible experience when someone showed up 2 years ago at our front door, no phone call, no email, no notice, no nothing. We had just pulled in our space to park our car. We were unloading the car from our vacation at the beach with friends. We weren't in the house 5 minutes when the doorbell rang. I had no clue who it was, nor did Rosie. But we opened the door. After talking briefly I was told who it was. This person called not only the Sheriff's office, but the state police department in trying to locate our home.

Rosie and I opened our home to this person for 3 days. It was not a good situation at all. The next thing I had to do was kick this person out because of what was posted online about us, and about her/his own personal issues.

We are very private and simple people. We have lent people money in the past, and never expected for it to be returned. Thank God for that because it never was repaid. We hired people to do things for me around the house that I couldn't do because I felt and still do feel it is the right thing to do, but they never showed up.

I believe in people, and until you know me, don't judge. It was like when someone who Rosie and I knew in real time called her "ugly and fat" to her face and then to mine. Oh yes. So, words hurt no matter if verbal or in print.

I also received a hate email from Spamex. It is a company that you buy a new email addy so your real email addy id is hidden. It was really a hatefilled letter to me and Rosie about being frauds, con-artists, and who I was/wasn't. It was very strange in all honesty because it was full of threats.

Next was on Secondlife - Backdoor. I won't even comment on what was said about me there. Most everyone knows. Everything online once is there for life.

Rosie and I have been to 2 bashes in the past, and several parties. However, we are very cautious now. We are older, and more wiser. I used to take everyone at their word. I am old school. I believed a handshake was all that was needed. Now everything needs to be in writing by a lawyer. Sad.

So if anyone who see's Rosie and I at Little Rock, we both are fat and quite happy. Be sure to introduce yourself to us. I may not remember you the next day, but keep telling me your name. I will get it! Please remember I had a major heart attack and lost that part of my short term memory.

:hangloose:

[Daywalker]

Being Fat behind the keyboard.


If I may, I'm a 205 pound Butch ass Hippy.
:koolaid:

If anyone said that kind of shit to my face or to the Mrs. Day, who
is a woman of substance and size...they would have one
hell of a conversation on their hands.
:|

My mind is Fat with Wit, and I ain't afraid to use it.
:eyebrow:

The fact that I can kick a lottta ass is not relative.

:vampirebat:

Meeting folks in real time from this Community
has been enriching in more ways than my Fat mind can express.
:rrose:

I like what Juney said:

Relatively speaking, this is a small community that's been around for a LONG time (over a decade for a lot of us). We know each other, or we know people who know people.

:daywalker:

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am a believer in peace vs. violence. I tried to talk to the so-called person, but a 3rd party got involved without being invited. Rosie and I were not favorites of the webmasters from the other site. So of course we were in the "wrong" - my big fat ass. I am a strong believer in Karma, the Golden Rule, and in the rules of the universe...it will come back to bite them in the ass and it sure has, sadly.

[Daywalker]

Safety First is the overall message here.

:koolaid:

That applies to emotional as well as physical and financial.


I must say, I am sad about all the stories involving money.

Because the loss does not just stop at financial ~ it reaches
much deeper, from embarrassment to shame to hurt to
anger...and effects the way one views the world.


Sometimes that's good, sometimes...it is not.

(w)

:daywalker:

[Andrew, Jr.]

What is so upsetting to me about the money is this...we spend a ton of money (close to our mortgage payment) each month on my meds alone. We are now thinking of going to Canada for them. So now when someone comes along and says woe-is-me...I say keep walking. I no longer am able to work.

Yep, I used to think we were all family here. No - matter - what. Family - end of story. My perception is now very different. I cannot speak for Rosie. Rosie and I just feel like misfits wondering about the future.

[Daywalker]

I didn't mean to make this an 'All About Andrew's Problems' thread.
:|

Many of us already have knowledge of how nasty folks have been.
:sunglass:
And how hard it is to go thru that stuff.


I think we all have challenges,
but keeping a positive outllook can be hella challenging.

Keeping informed with threads like these is empowering.
:hangloose:

:daywalker:

[Andrew, Jr.]

My apologies for posting so much.

[Heart]

Just try prying a dime outta me. You won't get far.

I'm extremely cautious by nature (Capricorn), but I've given my heart away a time or two - and that was a harder lesson.

Heart

[Mister Bent]

<snip> There was a time or two when the femme was sort of pissed off with me, and I decided it was more important to share what I knew than to worry about my dignity.

I've yet to find the "warning" others thing to be of any value. Ultimately when it comes to getting ass, people don't listen. I figure everyone gets to find out for themselves. And you can bet they will.

Given the number of "false warnings" it's little surprise people don't listen. The propensity for calling wolf has undermined overall reliability.

Fantastic message delivered in this thread, thank you Medusa.

[Isadora]

I am a survivor of on line emotional, financial and social abuse... and I have seen it all...(By social abuse I mean on-line, in chat, called names, made fun of, sending private photos to others, made up stories about, etc.)

The hardest is when betrayed by long time on-line/off-line "friends and mentors".

Although money is hurtful when gone, the emotional damage done to people by lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., I think, harms more. At least it did me. I no longer hang on line like I used to, I don't trust new people (and some older ones), my heart was damaged too deeply. I hope no one has to deal with the people who suck your life dry while going on with theirs like they were free from responsibility, because they don't go away, they just find someone else to pray upon.

Good points, Medusa.

[Apocalipstic]

I have never sent money to anyone I met on line, but have given it in person and never expected it back...I try never to lend money I can't afford to lose...and the financial mistakes I have made have been in person (but no less painful).

What got me was when two different times, 2 different people made up personas to talk to me. :| It really creeped me out and I struggled with my stupidity for quite some time. I might not have fallen for it if a real time friend had not "vouched" for the person. Yes, there are con-artists and soul suckers out there. Be careful!.

I am so glad to see people speaking out. I wish someone had all those years ago when I was naive and oh so vulnerable.

[Apocalipstic]

Apoc -- I think the "made up personas" part is particularly ugly.

Medusa set the forums so people can't just come in and join anymore, we look at every single person that signs up, checking their email and IP addresses. If they say they are from one place, but their IP shows up as another it raises red flags for us.

This has also helped us ward of most (not all) Spammers.

Some people are so damaged and fucked up that they make a game out of trying to see if they can get in using different names and IP addresses. I feel kinda sorry for them. 1) They lost their community and 2) They can't seem to move on.

----------------------------------
About the warning thing. I hope Medusa comes in and speaks to this further, but while warning your exes potential new lover might not always have the effect you hope for, letting the Admins and Mods know that someone has exhibited bad behavior can be helpful. We keep information on file both in our heads and in our private forum. One person saying someone was abusive, manipulative or crooked might not have much weight, but if several different people who don't know each other well or at all are saying the same thing, we most certainly pay attention to that.

I completely agree about exes, and I think it is important to remember that just because I might not have gotten along with someone, they might be perfectly suited for someone else and it can seem (be) petty to dis our exes to new potential partners, even if we might have concerns. I like the idea of letting the mods know, and stepping back.

I am very happy to see that steps have been taken to cut back on the multiple screen names. This scenario has not only happened to me, but to several of my friends, and few things suck as much as telling a buddy that his/her new love does not even exist. I know its a lot more work for you guys, but I so appreciate the extra effort to keep us safe mentally and physically.

I know there are those of us who would never get sucked into a con and who think everyone should take care of themselves....but it is easier than one might think to get sucked in. People can keep up lies for YEARS.

Please know your efforts are appreciated.

[Medusa]

June speaks the truth!

We did lock down our membership registration for the time being (and probably permanently) because we had a couple of banned members who think they are clever by pretending to be other people, creating fake personas so they can further victimize people on this site, etc.
And I'm not having it. :)

I will not, however, build a giant wall around this website so that it is so cumbersome for new people to join that it's a turnoff just because a few fucked-up individuals have nothing better to do with their lives than troll and create drama. I think it's important to maintain a welcome space with room for us to "check ID's at the door" in the way of verifying IP addresses, locations, and whether or not someone is trying to use a proxy service.
We owe that to ourselves and to this space and even though it takes us a little extra time to check each person, it's worth it.

I will expound on what June talked about with information about people who are abusive/scammers/con artists, etc.

YES, we want to know. NO, we can't always do something about it.

If you have personal experience with someone being physically abusive, stealing money, using drugs, killing kitties, selling their children, etc., we would appreciate it if you would let us know about it either by pm'ing myself or any of the Moderators or dropping me an email.

We may not always be able to *do* something about that person but, as June said, it helps us see a bigger picture, especially if multiple people come to us and say, "So and So said they were going to set my house on fire."

We have a private forum for the Moderators where we discuss every issue on ths site. We share information about themes in the forums, people who are having a hard time, or people who have made threats so that we are all in the loop about what is going on. Sometimes we might say to one another, "Hey, so and so's Father just passed away so they might be feeling sad" or "Jim and Bob just broke up so we might need to watch their posts in case they dig at one another."

This is often how we catch things before they are even reported; because we are all very connected to these forums and the people in them.

I also want to stress that as much as we listen to people telling us that someone is abusive, a crook, etc., we also pay attention to the people who are making accusations.
If "Bertha Mae" says that someone was abusive to them every single time she gets out of a relationship, we are going to notice that.
If "Elvis Aaron" says he has a terminal illness and has 3 months to live but is still around 6 years later, we are going to notice that.
If "June" suddenly starts posting photos of naked women and calling people "cuntbuckets", we are going to think she has either lost her damn mind or that someone has broken into her account.

None of these examples are absolute, we recognize that every situation has it's details and are willing to examine them all differently.

My personal commitment to this site is that I will do what I can for as long as I can to help maintain a sane space. I feel that all of our Moderators and volunteers feel exactly the same way.
There will be people who will try our patience, test us, make threats, etc. To that I say that I have never been one to kowtow to a bully, a sycophant, or a fucked up sociopath.

The best way to get my negative attention is to fuck with this space and the people in it, whether by using this site as a toy for your fucked up issues or playing chess with the hearts and minds of the people who come here for positive reasons.
I don't care how you play out your fucked up drama, just don't do it here.

Sorry for my little tangent here but want to make it super clear to folks, this space will exist for a very long time and the truth is that it will exist with or without every single one of us.

Our choice is to be a productive member of this community or to play tiddlywinks with ourselves in crazyland without the benefit of the wonderful people who come here.

[Rope]

As my grandmother always said, 'Don't lend more money than you're willing to lose'. That doesn't make you feel any better when the money is gone, but at least you've "warned" yourself if nothing else.

We'd all like to be the trusting and generous people we wish others to be with us, but life happens and occasionally teaches us that our good will can be abused.

Along with the relationship stuff--we so often dismiss what is obvious because the other stuff seems so right and hot. The red flags won't get any redder. Again, it's so hard to see those red flags or not want to hide them when everything else seems so right. We can feel really foolish when things go really badly and not want to share that experience--hoodwinked, stolen from, abused.

I am a very loyal and generous person by nature---and expect the same in return. I don't mean tit for tat, or match me financially but a measure of same. It's very hard for me to trust people once I've been lied to or experienced pettiness. I have gotten past it with people, giving them the chance or benefit of the doubt even more than once. But I am unwilling to do all the work in a relationship--the proof is in the pudding, if you want to repair what was broken, then it takes two to do the repair. I am no longer willing to be in the role of 'fixer' or initiate these repairs.

I was accused on another site by a femme I dated three times of rape. Wow, was that ever a shock. More shocking to her was that she'd sworn butches to secrecy but since they were buddies to varying degrees of mine and that was a significant accusation--they told me. I called her on it, but of course she ignored my emails but the story did stop being told.

Additionally I've been accused of breaking people up, or advising them to break up--of course the reality is that I am NOT in the relationship and when people come to me as a pal, I am quick to say, 'ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?' If a relationship is so fragile that a talk with me breaks it up, wow,,,how powerful am I. I am more than happy to get people to slow it down as the first course of action: make a list of pros/cons, ask them if counseling won't help, ETC AND AD NAUSEUM.

But none of us can control mean spirited or just plain ol' gossip. I would hope that people are grown ups and would come to a person directly about their issues, but more likely they'd rather spin the tale that suits them or spread half information.

It's sad when new people to our community get taken for a ride, sadder still that we have to be vigilant and warn people about online nuttiness. That's why I tell people, meet sooner rather than later instead of date online for 6 months and think you have a true picture of the person.

[Martina]

There's something about informal kinds of sanctions like the ones you are talking about that make me nervous. They are as old as humanity, but i don't know. Maybe they are guaranteed to be more fair in face-to-face encounters.

i, for one, have not told anyone on this site about my experience except my closest real time friend who comes here. The person who did these things to me did tell at least one other person because that person asked me about it. So i don't know. i was willing to talk to the police about it, but i wouldn't pm the admins here. Something about it feels strange.

i will be so glad when i my feelings about this are done. Soon, i suppose. It's been nearly six months.

[Peach]

I dont think there is a single one of us who doesnt have some horror story from online weirdos, I know I do! Way back from the day sof IRC chat, up to the threats from being a former moderator, it has all served to make me VERY cautious in online "friendships" I dont even friend someone on Crackbook, unless I have met them in real life. I didnt go to bashes, because of the threats I received in the past, finally got past that, but I am still not good at putting myself "out there" for all to see!

[Daywalker]

I dont think there is a single one of us who doesnt have some horror story from online weirdos, I know I do! Way back from the day sof IRC chat, up to the threats from being a former moderator, it has all served to make me VERY cautious in online "friendships" I dont even friend someone on Crackbook, unless I have met them in real life. I didnt go to bashes, because of the threats I received in the past, finally got past that, but I am still not good at putting myself "out there" for all to see!

I seen you.
:curtain:

And I think you were pretty groovy.
:koolaid:

So there.

:weedsmoke:

:daywalker:

[Peach]

I seen you.
:curtain:

And I think you were pretty groovy.
:koolaid:

So there.

:weedsmoke:

:daywalker:


I seen you too! We were probably the grooviest ones in the room! :koolaid:

[Gemme]

I dont think there is a single one of us who doesnt have some horror story from online weirdos, I know I do! Way back from the day sof IRC chat, up to the threats from being a former moderator, it has all served to make me VERY cautious in online "friendships" I dont even friend someone on Crackbook, unless I have met them in real life. I didnt go to bashes, because of the threats I received in the past, finally got past that, but I am still not good at putting myself "out there" for all to see!

I think this is so sad. For people to get so worked up over something they post, for cryin' out loud, that they take it out on the mods when they are reprimanded or warned is ridonculous.

This is a good example of why I don't like people. :blink:

[Peach]

I think this is so sad. For people to get so worked up over something they post, for cryin' out loud, that they take it out on the mods when they are reprimanded or warned is ridonculous.

This is a good example of why I don't like people. :blink:

I agree, but there is noone else TO take it out on, the mods are the ones doing the warning, banning etc.....and most often they refuse to take responsibility for their own ass-hatted-ness. Quite a few would, but they were the rare ones!
I was told more than a few times, not to show my face anywhere public, that I stood a good chance of having it removed! :blink:

[Gemme]

I agree, but there is noone else TO take it out on, the mods are the ones doing the warning, banning etc.....and most often they refuse to take responsibility for their own ass-hatted-ness. Quite a few would, but they were the rare ones!
I was told more than a few times, not to show my face anywhere public, that I stood a good chance of having it removed! :blink:

I'm such a pain the ass, I'd show up just to see if they would try something.

:police:

[violaine]

i just accidently repped peach on "ridonculous."

sorry, gemme.

:superfunny::lol2::giggle:

[Gemme]

i just accidently repped peach on "ridonculous."

sorry, gemme.

:superfunny::lol2::giggle:

Share the rep love.

:gimmehug:

:giggle:

[AtLast]

I agree, but there is noone else TO take it out on, the mods are the ones doing the warning, banning etc.....and most often they refuse to take responsibility for their own ass-hatted-ness. Quite a few would, but they were the rare ones!
I was told more than a few times, not to show my face anywhere public, that I stood a good chance of having it removed! :blink:

Peach, this is horrible! However, I do know people that actually have been physically assaulted here by other members. Although, it happened before the Planet existed.

Again, this happens everywhere, but, it is hard to take in because The B-F community (and all of its diversity) goes through so much in our everyday lives. Then there is the between the lines nonsense that can on in posts when people have falling outs. Middle and HS mentality just goes on- nothing can stop it. Best to ignore it- and sometimes using the Ignore feature is the way to go. Why even read the garbage.

[Daywalker]

I agree, but there is noone else TO take it out on, the mods are the ones doing the warning, banning etc.....and most often they refuse to take responsibility for their own ass-hatted-ness. Quite a few would, but they were the rare ones!
I was told more than a few times, not to show my face anywhere public, that I stood a good chance of having it removed! :blink:

This is a perfect example of the dangerous types Online.
:dots:
Don't think I'll have to deal with that as a Mod over there,
you know...since everyone is over here now
:huhlaugh:

I am glad you didn't let that keep you n yours from Dallas.
We would have never met you, and you are indeed a Peach in person.

:rrose:

:daywalker:

[AtLast]

I'm such a pain the ass, I'd show up just to see if they would try something.

:police:

Oh, Gemme- sometimes you way crack me up!

[Peach]

Anyway, I appreciate all measures taken to assure the safety and integrity of the site. Too bad some have to try to ruin things for others.

[Andrea]

You all make me happy I am just this side of anti-social and don't get into these situations or even know they are happening.

I am sorry to hear how many hurtful people there are out there.

Andrea

[DapperButch]

*snip*There were times when it was challenging to PM someone I didn't really 'know'. There was a time or two when the femme was sort of pissed off with me, and I decided it was more important to share what I knew than to worry about my dignity. *snip*


You are pretty damn fly...:hangloose:

----------------
In the interest of not making another post:

I think that for me I wouldn't have been taken advantage of if I had not been in the emotional space that I was personally in at the time. I wonder if this rings true for others, as well?

[Bard]

Add me to the taken for a ride folks more of the emotional type but she got me good as quite a few of you know and I thank god for all the good kind wonderful support from folks here.. and I also remember the support when I was in that bad accident people I have never met before came to see me in the hospital.. AS a law enforcement officer I am a cynic don't trust and I am way to protective. To the Amazing folks that made this safe place for those that keep it that way I thank you . yes I have been moderated a couple of times when I was a BAD BOI but it was done with respect... predators are out there yes but I just hope that we don't close our hearts

[Nat]

You are pretty damn fly...:hangloose:

----------------
In the interest of not making another post:

I think that for me I wouldn't have been taken advantage of if I had not been in the emotional space that I was personally in at the time. I wonder if this rings true for others, as well?

There was a How Stuff Works podcast on cults where they said basically the most common factor among cult members is that they encountered the cult during a traumatic time in their lives like a divorce or death in the family. I think there's a similar parallel for other not-so-great situations - though anybody with an open, generous or trusting nature can run into that sort of trouble.

For many people it may just be a case of:

"Being that I flow in grief, the smallest twine may lead me."

-Leanato, Much Ado About Nothing

[Medusa]

You are pretty damn fly...:hangloose:

----------------
In the interest of not making another post:

I think that for me I wouldn't have been taken advantage of if I had not been in the emotional space that I was personally in at the time. I wonder if this rings true for others, as well?



Chancie IS fly ;)

I do think the last part rings true more often than we'd like to admit. I think that our emotional states can sometimes blind us to the red flags - and even more, there are folks out there who are super skilled at picking up on that wounded energy.

People who are going through breakups, health issues, major family crisis, etc. need to be especially careful about seeking out comfort with people who may see that as an opportunity to fuck them over.

I'm so thankful knowing that the people out there with good intentions far outweigh those folks with ugly hearts. <3

[DomnNC]

Here's a few links that I found to be quite useful in the event of cyberstalking, how to stay safe online, how to gather info to pursue legal action if you are harassed, cyberstalked and if it carries over into offline how to handle that as well. The Stay Safe Online site has tools to check your pc for free to make sure it's secure and you aren't a prime candidate for identity theft due to hacking. Heck you can check it all out on the websites, they are well worth reading just for the knowledge.

Stay Safe Online
http://www.staysafeonline.org/

Cyber 911 Emergency
http://www.wiredsafety.org/cyberstalking_harassment/index.html

The National Center For Victims Of Crime
http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32458

Stalking Laws by State (this is up to date as of Jan/2010, but could be current for your state, you'll just have to click the link to see or simply google "YourState Stalking Law" or "YourState Cyberstalking Law")
http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_State-byState_Statutes117

If someone is sending you threatening emails or obscene material/pics be sure to save them, tons of info about the sender can be garnered by email headers that have info embedded that the typical user never sees or doesn't know how to look for it.

Have fun and be safe all.

[Martina]

People who are going through breakups, health issues, major family crisis, etc. need to be especially careful about seeking out comfort with people who may see that as an opportunity to fuck them over.

i know this sounds heartless, but sometimes people going through those kinds of crises are the ones who hurt others. i think it explains a lot of behavior that would otherwise be inexcusable. They are sick or in pain or . . . .

It's the only way i understood what happened. i just had to put it down to that. One of the problems with these situations is how much they make you judge your own ability to tell if people are OK or not. i think there usually are red flags. But i don't just want to befriend people who don't need friends, people who look or seem perfect. Who is anyway?

It's also sad that, if you are badly burned, you almost stereotype. i mean the next time you encounter a person with characteristics similar to those of the person who harmed you, it's going to make you pause. It's crazy. i am thinking of things like age, disability status, mental health issues, even interests. i think that sort of thing happens when you are badly burned. And it's sad. It makes you so much less open.

[Gemme]

It's also sad that, if you are badly burned, you almost stereotype. i mean the next time you encounter a person with characteristics similar to those of the person who harmed you, it's going to make you pause. It's crazy. i am thinking of things like age, disability status, mental health issues, even interests. i think that sort of thing happens when you are badly burned. And it's sad. It makes you so much less open.

Absolutely. I hate to admit it, but I now pause when I hear of spousal abuse because that's part of the ploy used on me by someone. They were in a relationship and hy was being abused by hys wife. The information I had seemed plausible, but everything looks plausible from 3500 miles away in retrospect.

[Sachita]

wow wow oy vey I bet there are lots of good reality shows huh? lol its true we have all had our fair share of deception and drama from those we forge friendships with even in our own community. Goddess knows I've dealt with some winners and my mouth should be deformed for as many times I stuck my foot in it.

The truth is that it would be so fucking nice to network, trust, partner, love and share. I get really lonely for community but after a few attempts you start seeing flags or one day you hear these stories about yourself that just aren't true.

I do know that good people sustain and they are always around not ships passing in the night. People that are no on the up and up eventually burn enough bridges, exit or attempt to reinvent themselves. Every now and then one slips through the cracks and even the wisest of person overlooks things. Compassion is sometimes a masochist and even when we know we might get burned we move forward.

But I'll tell you this... I'd like to see someone tell me I can't show my face or lift a hand to me. lol- that would have to be an insane person not playing with a full deck.

A few years back i get this email from a BF person making all these claims about what kind of person I am. lol- I didn't have a clue who this person was. I never defend myself against insanity. I simply open the door and tell you to see for yourself.

No one can ever act as judge and jury because the truth is we all have our own agenda, as it should be. Me, I look a bit closer, move slower and cherish the relationships I have. If I can help any human being I will. It's just that simple but I won't put my own ass on the line doing it.

[Admin]

*bumpity bump*

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Yep! I’m guilty of having been suckered in the past for the ‘sob’ story– no longer suckered now, thankfully, lol! I’m a lot more cautious now and wait for the person to prove themselves – their actions speak louder than their words. I’ve never sent anyone money, nor will I.

When I meet someone in person who I’ve met online I ALWAYS have a friend or family member near by in case I need them – we have a pre-arranged signal I give should I feel uncomfortable and want to go home.

I have a separate email from my personal one for online friends to contact me. Only once trust and a genuine relationships has been established (romantic or platonic), then I give my personal email address.

Since it’s not viable to produce medical certificates to prove that some of us are indeed genuine, the only advice that seems to work is firstly; no matter what medical condition a person says they have, no-one should ask for money. Also, if a person is not genuine, over a short period of time inconsistencies normally appear very quickly.

[dark_crystal]

i was very badly burned in 2007-2008 by an online butch from another site who encountered me when i was at the very lowest i have ever been and created an illusion of dependability, which hy then used to browbeat me into free room and board and access to my bank account for a year.

i felt horribly humiliated when it was over, but when the exact same red flags came up in 2010, with someone (who was eventually and unrelatedly permanently banned) from this site, it only took me a week to spot it!

[Dominique]

The crimes committed on the internet (E-CRIME) is the fastest growing crime there is. Thats something to think about.

And if you have children, PLEASE watch them. If stuff happens to us, imagine what can happen to them!

[Medusa]

Yellowband - You bring up another train of thought for me.

People, PLEASE be super careful about posting photos of your children or grandchildren on the internet. Even if they are wearing a parka, you can guarantee there is a pervert out there who will find a way to get off on it.

[Trey339]

Well,,,I met my ex online and we shared 10 good years together,,,,,,now I see that things have seriously changed,,, that we should all use common sense and honesty when meeting new friends or possible mates,,,and yes Ive been a sucker for a sob story as well,,,,,,but now its a new day and a new chance for hope of a fantastical future that we all deserve!

[Trey339]

Well,,,I met my ex online and we shared 10 good years together,,,,,,now I see that things have seriously changed,,, that we should all use common sense and honesty when meeting new friends or possible mates,,,and yes Ive been a sucker for a sob story as well,,,,,,but now its a new day and a new chance for hope of a fantastical future that we all deserve!

although Ive not been here long, and Im not on much, this seems like a real nice place

[Admin]

****Bumpity Bump****

[Admin]

Bumping thread for the new folks!


Hello All,
I wanted to take a few minutes to post some information that I think is helpful for folks not only on this website but the internet in general.

The internet is a big place. It is often a place where people who don't get the kind of social interaction they desire go to find others with similar interests/backgrounds/likes. While most people just want to have fun or meet someone new, there are people out there who have zero qualms about hurting other people, telling lies, scamming money, or playing chess with people because they don't have anything positive going on in their own lives.

Below is a list of things to keep in mind when traversing the online world:

1. Financial Con Artists - Never EVER give money to someone on the internet unless you are prepared to never see it again, find out they spent it on their girlfriend, or aren't really dying of brain cancer.
People lie, especially when it comes to money. That sweet little thing you have been talking to who says they only need $75 for their light bill could very well be a married man who is just really good at schmoozing.
Giving your money to someone on the internet whom you have either never met or have very little information about is the same as setting it on fire in your driveway.

2. Love Con Artists -
There are some folks out there who will jerk your heart around, want to marry you after having never met you, or profess their undying devotion to you after seeing one picture. This behavior should raise a red flag for you. If someone is moving fast to call you their girlfriend/boyfriend, talking about marriage after 1 date, or trying to move in with you after a phone call, you should stop and ask yourself if they are running toward you or away from something.
Love can feel real good at first. It can make you believe that the fairy tales exist, and they do!, but slowing things down, meeting the person, and taking the time to get to know them never hurt anyone. It may actually prevent you from getting your heart broken and your wallet drained.

3. Gossip is Sometimes not Just Gossip -
If you have heard from 9 different people who are not connected to one another that "Bill" is a con artist, thief, liar, and really doesn't have a mansion in Beverly Hills, then it's probably safe to assume that 9 different, unconnected people didn't get together one day and decide to put a target on someone's back without reason. Sure, gossip is dangerous and ugly but if you hear the same thing from multiple sources? There might be a reason for you to consider the possibility that there might be something going on.

4. Safety Is as Safety Does -
We here at the Planet want to make sure that everyone has a good experience on this site and will do whatever we can to make that happen but you have to take responsibility for your personal safety.
You have to maintain your own safety by not giving strangers on the internet your personal information, money, or even time if you don't know them that well. We can make general rules for what happens in this space but you have to also help yourself by maintaining healthy boundaries. Protect yourself.

5. What You "Know" is Sometimes NOT What You "KNOW" -
Please consider that just because you "heard" that "Jane" is the President of Sony records and a great girl doesn't make it true. Investigate things for yourself. Don't take someone's word, even a friend, if you have the slightest doubt about what someone is telling you. Sociopaths will often come across as very seductive, convincing, and magnetic and can often provide "proof" of what they tell you is true about themselves.
Remember, College "degrees" can be purchased online for about $5 if someone is claiming to be a Nuclear Engineer.

6. Keep it Sane, Silly -
If someone is constantly in crisis, constantly at the center of drama, or always talking about how people are "setting them up", you might want to ask yourself how much time you want to devote to what could be a pretty draining situation. Normal people with normal lives who are functioning on a sane level do not have continuous drama. They also are able to maintain their finances, hold a job, and probably have friends who are longer term than a few months. Ask yourself "Does that sound reasonable?" if someone makes wild claims or tells grandiose stories.

7. Ask for Help -
If you get in a situation where someone is harrassing you, making threats, or generally fucking with you, ask for help either by notifying me or a Moderator. Beyond this site, if you feel that someone is harrassing you notify the proper authorities, their Internet Service Provider, etc.
Lean on your friends and the people who love you as well.


These rules/tips aren't meant to scare or frustrate anyone, just some simple reminders for people making connections in cyberspace.

I have personally made some very dear, long-term friends out in cyberspace - people who have been to my home and who have access to my personal life. I have also been on the receiving end of unwanted attention, con artists who wasted my time and energy with their bullshit drama, and people who have poor social skills trying to spread their damage into the universe.

I choose to believe that most people have good intentions but guard my personal space well against people that I don't know. It might take a little longer to make friends but you can bet your ass that they will be quality friends at the end of the "honeymoon phase".

Feel free to discuss or add to this list. Please do NOT use this thread to make swipes at other people or post passive-aggressive shit at someone you are having issues with...cause that makes me real cranky.

Here's to safer and saner community!