Long Distance - How do you cope?

[Silverseastar]

I've never done anything long distance until now and I'm finding it VERY hard. The chemistry and connection is insanely high and I want to make it work but struggle with not having frequent physical contact (we are both very physical people).

So far we have chatted a million hours over messenger and on phone, and today I downloaded Skype which I also hope will help. Are there any ways in particular that you find to keep feeling connected? To deal with the physical withdrawal and loneliness?

If it helps, we're in a D/s dynamic, possible Daddy/girl, romantic dynamic and unsure yet in terms of how to define as it is very early on. We live in different countries, and a good amount of travel time apart. Travel is likely going to be limited to once every 3-4 weeks.

[Julie]

Okay... Here goes.

I am in a very long distance relationship with Dreamer. Dreamer lives in Australia and I live in New York - There is 16k miles between us and right now a 14 hour time difference. We have been doing this for about 18 months. I have been there 2 times and Dreamer has been here once. It is HARD.

Video chat - Skype - Yahoo Video - Movie Nights - Dinner -- Sometimes the video camera is on from the time Dreamer wakes up, till I go to bed. Sometimes we don't even talk. We say goodnight on the phone every night.

Communication is KEY! And so is arguing and not being afraid to be cranky and everything else that goes with relationships. I get really cranky - ask anybody who knows me. I cry a lot and I yell a lot. Dreamer is more balanced, because really only one of us can fall apart at one time and it seems to be me. I fall apart a LOT. But you have to let the other person fall apart TOO - I am not so good at this, but trying to be less selfish, which is also a struggle - cause I am realllllllllllllllllllllllly selfish.

Seeing one another every 3-4 weeks is really quite glorious. Be happy for this and who knows... You live in Canada, a country which allows partner immigration and marriage. The United States does not. At least not yet.

Also --

When you are having doubts or feeling like you cannot do this one more minute - Just imagine the alternative and if it does not sit well or makes you sad - then the alternative is not an option.

Good LUCK!

Julie

[Silverseastar]

Thanks for the ideas Julie, especially the last part about no alternative. Very good way to evaluate it.

[DaddyMenace]

::settling in, watching the thread::: such good advice already.

The alternative, as I said, it simply NOT an option.

Sir

[DapperButch]

Have you guys met in person yet? It is not completely clear from your post.

If you haven't met yet, I'd say do that first before becoming overwhelmed. I only ask because I have seen people describe themselves as being in a relationship and even pronoucing love before they have even met (and often it is not clear from their posts that they haven't). One never knows if they will be a match until they actually meet. Don't put the cart before the horse.

If you have met...ummm...listen to Julie!

The longest distance I have done was 5 hours away and that was doable. That was a relationship I wasn't looking for. Long distance has never been an option for me. I figure if I don't know what I am missing (a person I have never met), than I am not missing anything!

Good luck. Lots of people make it work.

[Silverseastar]

*giggles*

Yes of course we've met. Oh my goodness did we meet. That is exactly why it's SO hard.

[DapperButch]

*giggles*

Yes of course we've met. Oh my goodness did we meet. That is exactly why it's SO hard.


You may find it strange that one would profess a relationship before meeting, but it certainly happens!

(not that there is something wrong with that :) )

[PapaC]

DapperButch raises a very good point though. So often people say they're in relationships with someone they haven't met in person, and I look at that and cringe (based on personal experience, not trying to be all judgey over here).

Anyway, I'm in a perpetual long distance relationship. Going on 9 years, 5 of it married (in Victoria, BC --- waving across the waters to you Silverseastar). I'm in/always have been in Canada, my wife is in California. Some years it's been great, other years it's been disasterous.

We've had years where we saw each other once every 2 months (that seems like a luxury now), and other times it's been once or twice a year.

Communication and visits and all that blah blah blah that's been mentioned is all great advice. But I caution anyone: This may not be for you. The longer you're in a LDR, particularly as you grow more attached/in love with this person, the harder it's going to be for you. Especially if you're a physical person.

How one copes is ... tricky. Right now, I'm trying to cope by taking care of myself, and making myself priority #1. But anyone who knows me at all knows this hasn't been the case (for many years). I cope by making strides that matter in my life: whether I'm married or not. This might sound harsh to you while you're in the beginning stages of new relationship energy. But you'll feel the tugs and strains of longing like you've never felt before. I find it analogous to being an immigrant and leaving close family behind. I watched my own mom suffer over the years, longing to be 'back home' with her sisters. Endless phone calls when it used to cost $2/min to call Europe.

Long distance relationships can be a money and energy draining monster. Do you have the resolve? Time will tell right? Do you have a plan to be together one day? Again, time will tell.

I may sounds like a downer but I am presenting a reality check here.

Good luck

[Silverseastar]

Thanks for sharing the challenges PapaC although it is a little heartbreaking to hear.

If all progresses nicely I would not stay living apart more than we would absolutely have to. The maximum I would hope that would be is 4 years. I'm willing to relocate.

I agree that there is a huge emotional cost and commitment and thanks for being honest about what they are for you. I do know people who do it successfully however. I'm just hoping we will be those people.

L.

[PapaC]

Well sure, and it also depends on how you define 'success'. right?
There's been a LOT of good stuff along the way. Don't get me wrong. :)

One thing I'd stress is: be aware of the limitations of long distance but don't let it limit you. Don't let it be the key factor to not growing or not loving.

For example, we're not as prone to just 'running away' from an arguement anymore. We're not as prone to... ignoring the other (because it can be SO effin' easy to do when it's hard and long distance).

Both of us have .... taken great strides to staying connected, even when it's hard. Being aware that a challenge or fight doesn't spell 'the end'

But like when it comes to fights/arguements it is so much harder to talk it out long distance versus say, when you're with that person, a hand is placed on a thigh and all is forgiven in that moment. We don't have that ... luxury, but beccause we have been together for periods of time where we know what that feels like, we can draw on past experiences of being together, and say... yes, we can cope/survive/work through the hardship.

So I don't mean to be doom and gloom about it. :) And I am talking during a time where it's been a challenge, but I hope you can glean a bit of wisdom/perspective from this even so.

I wouldn't shy away from another LDR even now, because I know the risks. And every LDR is different too

that's all I have for now. :) I hope however you cope you continue to find ways to stay connected. It's not always the same way. If txting doesn't work, use email, if email isn't the same, skype. Use video, use the phone. ... be sure to not remain "stuck" in any one method of communication. and most of all: be true to yourself.

:)

[Scorp]

In MY case, I am living proof that it works. I'm not speaking on behalf of anyone else but myself. I know/knew a lot folks who did the long distance thing and it ended up being disasterous. You really need to do be sure it's the right thing for you and mostly, be sure the person you're having these feelings for is the REAL THING. It takes a lot of time, communication, patience, trust, etc. etc.

You need to be careful and stick to your gut instinct if something isn't right. Don't take what you're feeling for granted in that respect. Luckily I have great intuition and know when something just doesn't feel right.

A lonnng time ago, I use to talk to a ton of girls long distance and can honestly say, very few were the real thing and had qualities I liked. Think with your head. If I was falling for someone I wanted everything out on the table, it probably felt as though they were being put on a witness stand. I'm not a freak in that way, but, I wanted/needed to be sure, especially if I was considering having an ldr.

Also, I didn't want any broken promises made. Been there, done that. And now that I mention that, maybe that's why I wanted to be sure I wasn't getting myself into something that was bad (somewhat) like the first time.

In my first LDR it was for other reasons that it didn't work out and I was in that long distance relationship for 4 years. Toward the end there were a lot of problems, between the distance playing a big factor, and broken promises made to me, bla bla bla. Finally I couldn't deal with it anymore because of excuses and she couldn't commit to relocating after she told me many times she would. It was best for both of us.

I can't believe I had the patience to wait for her all that time, but again, there were other red flags and it was time for me to break it off. And, to be honest, toward the last few months of that relationship, I started to stray. I knew in my heart it was over.

I had NO interested in doing a long distance relationship ever again. It was time consuming and not to mention, my heart was broken. After the break up, I come to realize maybe I "thought" I was in love. But after everything, I realized it possibly wasn't. That experience grew me up a lot and I learned a lot from it. I lost 4 years of my life and wanted some "ME" time and the last thing I was thinking about was getting into another relationship.

So needless to say, I was against long distance relationships and basically didn't want to get involved with anyone else whatsoever, and mostly anyone who wasn't in located in my state. I'm no glutton for punishment.

Then lo and behold time went by and it happened...I was like wtf??? I can't let this happen again. Why the fuck am I digging girls who are not local??!! I never expected for this to happen, but...it did...

We talked on the phone every single day and night (very long hours during the night), would use vacation time (thankfully I got 4 weeks time each year) I would go see her and she would spend her vacations at my place) 1 - 2 weeks at a time. We could also plan accordingly because we both didn't have children and that was also a factor for us. We could be spontaneous with phone calls, visits, just about everything.

After one year of doing the long distance thing, she relocated to be with me. The first year we both continued to live in our own apartments (we were 2 or 3 miles from one another). Then after one year again, we moved in with each other.

With this, it's now recently been a total 9 years for us. We bought a home 4 years ago, have 2 fur babies and...We're finally getting married next month.

I hit the jackpot with having a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, woman in my life. Of course we have our moments just like any other couple, but it sure is a great relationship.

Mostly, be smart and make sure it's the right decision for you. Try and visit as often as you can with each other. The same also applies for skyping, phone calls, whatever you can do.

I look back and say "wow". If someone were to tell me 9 years ago I would be in the relationship I'm in, I'd tell them they have rocks in their head and are crazy.

Again, this is MY story and how it worked out for ME.

I wish you all the best with everything.

-Scorp-

[Julie]

One really important (uber important) matter.

Keep your relationship private. You will find that many people meet in such forums as this or other online venues, such as dating sites, etc... Keep it private.

Very few people knew Dreamer and I even existed. We kept quiet about our relationship for close to a year - Only a few people knew and they kept it quiet. Thank you PEOPLE (you know who you are).

People TALK - People LOVE Drama and everybody has a fucking opinion. And for god sake, do not listen to YOUR FRIENDS. They Do NOT know what is best for you. Only you know what is best for you. When you are sobbing, because you miss that person, don't call your best friend expecting them to simply say, this to shall pass, because they do not really know. And do not listen to the friends who say - Are you crazy? You are setting yourself up for hurt! Honestly, I have seen outside people destroy even the strongest relationships, because they seem to think they know what's best for you. Talk to one another.

This is about TWO people - You and Her/Hym - If your friends cannot be supportive, then perhaps you need to reevaluate.

And most important - Do not bring your fights here (online). While your relationship is online, your relationship does not need to be.

Okay - I am done -- For Now!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and have lots of phone sex. Sometimes, it's all you get.

Kiss Kiss!
Julie

[Tommi]

One really important (uber important) matter.

Keep your relationship private. You will find that many people meet in such forums as this or other online venues, such as dating sites, etc... Keep it private.

Very few people knew Dreamer and I even existed. We kept quiet about our relationship for close to a year - Only a few people knew and they kept it quiet. Thank you PEOPLE (you know who you are).

People TALK - People LOVE Drama and everybody has a fucking opinion. And for god sake, do not listen to YOUR FRIENDS. They Do NOT know what is best for you. Only you know what is best for you. When you are sobbing, because you miss that person, don't call your best friend expecting them to simply say, this to shall pass, because they do not really know. And do not listen to the friends who say - Are you crazy? You are setting yourself up for hurt! Honestly, I have seen outside people destroy even the strongest relationships, because they seem to think they know what's best for you. Talk to one another.

This is about TWO people - You and Her/Hym - If your friends cannot be supportive, then perhaps you need to reevaluate.

And most important - Do not bring your fights here (online). While your relationship is online, your relationship does not need to be.

Okay - I am done -- For Now!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and have lots of phone sex. Sometimes, it's all you get.

Kiss Kiss!
Julie

Yes & Yes again
Julie, you must have a golden hammer for the nails you just hit. You expressed it so well, and wrapped it all up in nice tight package, and put a ribbon on it. All I can say IMO is ~ it is fucking hard, and that is ALL I am saying.

[Silverseastar]

I hear ya Julie and I am SO not a drama queen that way. I'm okay with folks knowing we are into each other. Ironically we met irl, not a forum, but many of the folks who were there and instrumental in us meeting are HERE. So far I've only experienced a lot of support and I hope I've chosen my friends wisely in that respect.

But I'll take your wise words under advisement nonetheless.

:)
L.

[Silverseastar]

PapaC that clarifies it and makes me feel more hopeful, thank you. You must be committed to her and the relationship and that is something special right there. The idea around shaking up the communication is an awesome one as well. Oh, and I forgot to wave across the water to you! I have dear friends in Sooke and a brother in Victoria.

Scorp that is an awesome story of risk and payoff. It gives a clear picture of the reality in all relationships really. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. But dang if we don't move towards seeing what is there out of fear we may lose out on something amazing. I'm willing to risk that hurt because so far walking away would feel incredibly wrong.

[Goo]

Ya'll are so on the nail about LDR's, being in one myself. I know it's hard as he** to deal with the loneliness that goes along with being in one. I usually try to see my Daddi at least every month or every other month. Right now it's going on 3 months, because of finances. But after my court date in early May, I'll be moving down there to be with her.

Must commend everyone who is in a LDR here, whether it be the next state over, or even across borders. It's a tough thing to do, but the heart wants who the heart wants.

[msW8ing]

Been in a couple LDR's myself. It's the bittersweet of the internet. Meeting all types of people from all walks of life and all over the world. Amazing and astounding to me. Such good advice from everyone. Being the pathetic romantic i am personally. We mailed or collected articles of clothing to sleep with so we had at least one anothers scents to drift off with. It got to be a fun game bartering for articles of one anothers. And it indeed made the phone sex much more personal to have Hys scent with me. Hy worked construction and I always wanted Hys sweaty work tees. (Yes i know i'm a sick puppy) lol But it helped alot. Just my two cents.:|

[Tcountry]

For the most part I agree with what has been said...
Stay connected however you can(txt, call, Skype, msg, pictures, videos, movie night, voice mail, etc etc). Even get creative with it...cards or 'snail mail' or surprise flowers/gifts...the things that show eachother that u are thinking about them.
Don't get so caught up in the ldr that u forget to do the things that made u happy before u met hym/her(job, family things, doing stuff with friends)...
It is super hard tho...especially after you have spent 'in person' time together...u know what it feels like to wake up together & some days you feel like you would give anything for one touch or kiss or whatever....
On the other hand you have an Awesome opportunity to talk & get to know everything about eachother without getting too "distracted" with the physical...have fun with it. Play 20 questions or the 'what if' game & be honest & learn the things about eachother that no one else knows.
When it is worth it....you'll do just about anything to make it work...but don't forget to just be yourself...

[Silverseastar]

Great advice TCountry, thank you! I think we have "talked" an average of 5-6 hours a day since we've been apart as we can message each other at our workplace. More time talking than many get to have in the same city.

MsW8ing, I can so relate to wanting her stuff with me. She has something of mine but I don't of hers. When I see her next month maybe I can "barter" for something.

CottonCandy- so lucky you can be with your Daddi soon!

We tried Skyping yesterday for the first time and at first it actually made my heart ache all the more that she was right there but not there if you know what I mean. Then after a while it became wonderful to hear her voice and see her facial expressions. I think I'm a convert!

[Darbonaire]

The LD thing is hell...to me anyway...or was rather. My soon to be ex-wife of 10 years couldn't do it. She "needs" someone she can touch & hold.....I can understand & I wish her the best. We lived together for 8 of the 10 years. I certainly am not looking for a lover....LD friendships are great though.......so, if anyone is interested in chatting please do. I would need to BE with someone in person though if I ever get with someone again. Like I said...after living with my wife in the same house for 8 years...the last 2 as LD weren't all that.

I wish everyone success at whatever they feel is best or works for them.

[~ocean]

I have never been in a committed, LDR or *in love * w/ anyone LDR .. i've
been attracted to someone LDR so all I am reading i can't realte to my own personal experience, all i know is that i could have what u all have had. and enough time off from my job to dedicate my time to my someone. I know someday, I might I have that experience. just keep loving all of u :))

[chefboiardee72]

I've done it LD a few times with only one time turning serious. We coped by playing games and skying or using gchat. We would actually watch netflix together(short episodes not movies) together while we were on video chat. We "cooked" dinner together on webcam. Be creative and it will work, trust me. I know it sounds corny but when you can't be with someone all the time video is the next best thing.

[Jaques]

Did a couple of years with my girlfriend both me and her back and forth, 600 mile round trip. We spent holidays together too. In the end it wasnt that i couldnt do it, just got fed up with the travelling, so asked her to move in, weve now been together 11 years. Its never easy living with someone else when you are both older, being used to doing things your own way and there are times when you miss that space but we are both happy with our decision and when she goes away to stay with her family a few times a year, i think "yeh, it can do what i like, no one to nag me" etc. I actuallly miss her.

[pinkgeek]

I go to school 2600 miles from my queer family, friends and my girlfriend... (i.e. everyone I love)

Firstly - I rack up a lot of frequent flyer miles. I have the airline branded credit card and I use it for everything. I'm fly back and forth from Hawaii to California monthly and it's harder on me than anyone else.

Between visits we (friends, family and girlfriend) send silly cards, Skype, text, call and stay busy. We all make a pretty big effort not to dwell on the "missing part" - it makes time go slower and everything harder.

I've had people ask why I don't move back if I miss everyone so much. Answer: the relationships will last over the distance or they won't. Given a moderate amount of thoughtfulness and a significant amount of confidence long distance is less difficult than extensive dental work with greater reward and probably equal cash outlay.

Your mileage may vary - mine is about to hit "upgrade" on each flight! :goodluck:

[Jaques]

My youngest son and grandson whos only 18mths old, live in Laos in the far east and it takes us 2 days to get there, also very expensive and i miss them terribly.

[Silverseastar]

It's so interesting to see this thread revived after a year!

The relationship didn't work. In the end ironically she couldn't do it and I could. I broke it off last fall when I found her ability to handle it diminishing and then it becoming hurtful.

What I learned is that both parties need to make a commitment to making and keeping regular skype/phone dates, and both have to put time and energy into the little things to create the intimacy that is lacking in the physical realm. Flexibility is also key.

It's hard but I believe it can be done with the right people. Finding the right person is the biggest challenge.

[chefboiardee72]

Sorry to hear it ended. It takes patience and creativity to keep something like this exciting and alive.

[starryeyes]

I have tried several long distance relationships, the furthest one being on the farthest opposite coast as possible. For me, it was SO difficult. I never had any issues with the person, but I am such a needy girl I struggled with not having them with me to touch, kiss, feel, be lazy with, go on dates, etc.

My partner now, Justin lives in LA and I am in San Diego (130 miles apart). I don't know of most would consider this "long distance" but we couldn't just "be together" when we wanted to be without fighting LA traffic. What worked for us was iChat, yahoo messenger, phone calls. When we are not together, we sleep on FaceTime together or on the phone all night (thank goodness for unlimited mobile to mobile..lol). We talk all day on yahoo messenger or text. We call eachother on breaks or after work. We have done this for a year now. But, she is moving in with me this weekend so now we don't have to anymore! Yaya :-)

The San Diego to LA distance was hard for me too, we broke up several times over it, but ultimately we made it work. Just keep your head up when it gets rough. It takes patience, But you can do it. Look at all of these beautiful testimonies from these amazing people. It definitely is worth it in the end when it does work out.

Smiles!

[Abigail Crabby]

Okay... Here goes.

I am in a very long distance relationship with Dreamer. Dreamer lives in Australia and I live in New York - There is 16k miles between us and right now a 14 hour time difference. We have been doing this for about 18 months. I have been there 2 times and Dreamer has been here once. It is HARD.

Video chat - Skype - Yahoo Video - Movie Nights - Dinner -- Sometimes the video camera is on from the time Dreamer wakes up, till I go to bed. Sometimes we don't even talk. We say goodnight on the phone every night.

Communication is KEY! And so is arguing and not being afraid to be cranky and everything else that goes with relationships. I get really cranky - ask anybody who knows me. I cry a lot and I yell a lot. Dreamer is more balanced, because really only one of us can fall apart at one time and it seems to be me. I fall apart a LOT. But you have to let the other person fall apart TOO - I am not so good at this, but trying to be less selfish, which is also a struggle - cause I am realllllllllllllllllllllllly selfish.

Seeing one another every 3-4 weeks is really quite glorious. Be happy for this and who knows... You live in Canada, a country which allows partner immigration and marriage. The United States does not. At least not yet.

Also --

When you are having doubts or feeling like you cannot do this one more minute - Just imagine the alternative and if it does not sit well or makes you sad - then the alternative is not an option.

Good LUCK!

Julie




It warms my heart to hear I'm not the only one who gets cranky and cries alot.

I can't be upbeat 24/7 I wish I could - but there are times when things in my life are pissing me off or making me depressed - those are the time I seem to need that physical presence more than ever - Thank God for Face Time - even tho I know it drives Jo crazy when I am cranky or in a down mood, at least he tries to smile thru it.

As Julie stated communication is key - and I always say what's on my mind - sometimes Jo doesn't agree and is able to say exactly what is on his mind. Lucky for me he's great at communication as well.

We have a three hour time difference and it can be a drag at times, cuz I'm up at 5:30 am his time and he's up when I'm in bed so getting a chance to say goodnite isn't always possible.

But we spend quality time together and get together as often as we can. Do I need more physical time with Da Schmooze oh yeah I do - but we live on opposite coasts and can't make any changes so I've learned to value the times we do get together :)

[LaneyDoll]

Riley and I are in a LDR. Right now, there is approx 280 miles and 4.5 hours between us. When he moves, it will cut down on some of the miles but the travel time will be the same.

We see each other 1-2 times per month, depending on our schedules and finances. Last month, we spend my birthday together and this month, we will have two weekends because my family vacation will happen about an hour from him.

In between visits, we talk/text daily. He calls me on his lunch break & on his way home plus we spend about an hour together on the phone before we say "good night."

Aside from communication, I think that biggest thing that helps me cope is how busy we each are. We both work full time; he is in school full time and I am raising a family. Additionally, we are in a D/s relationship and have a decent amount of rituals in place. These serve as reminders of our commitment and responsibility to each other.

Finally, our relationship had a strong foundation in friendship and I think it as really helped us learn each other and grow together.

:sparklyheart:

[Gemme]

Luv and I aren't too bad, in comparison with some of the other LDR couples here. Hy's roughly 1100 miles and one time zone away from me.

We text and talk every morning and throughout the day. We always talk before bed too.

We will watch Hulu together and talk about what we see while on the phone. We haven't Skyped yet, but that's because my computer is as old as Father Time and is cranky about loading it.

We'll leave things on the forums here for one another and little hidden and not so hidden messages designed to make the other smile.

Hy's visited me once and it was really nice and we got along marvelously (this is fantastic because sometimes in person, things can be different), even if I did have to work a couple of those days.

Basically, be mindful of one another's needs and figure out what works for you. Some folks, as mentioned, are needier than others. Some want more face to face interaction and some prefer or are just fine with the voice connection. As long as the two of you are connecting and things feel good and right, then it's all good.

[Ciaran]

I've done two LDRs or, rather, VLDRs (very long distance relationships) in that both were with women from opposite parts of the world to me. The first was in South East Asia and the second was in San Diego.

In neither case was it conscious for me (or my partner) that we were entering a LDR - rather, in both instances it just happened after friendship and, by friendship, I mean real-time friendship, albeit supplemented by phone, internet etc.

Neither relationship lasted but, interestingly, I don't think that either failed due to the long distance aspects. Certainly, it caused additional unwelcome challenges but not the deciding factor in either. In practice, both relationships maybe lasted longer due to the long distance nature as, due to the limited real time contact, issues didn't necessarily come to a head until much later than had the relationship been much georgraphically closer and thus spending a lot of real time together.

When these relationships were working, they were often working due to extensive travel. At times, I would fly to the US four or five times a year and my partner would fly to Ireland (where I then lived) maybe two or three times a year. All a bit whirlwind, exciting at times and tiring at other times.

I don't regret either of the relationships, especially not the second of them. It's brought me the continued love of someone I'm incredibly close to and I've no doubt that we'll be incredibly bonded until the end.

We still see each other regularly - she's based in San Diego and I'll be travelling there later this month. Later in the year, to celebrate an Irish Christmas, she'll be travelling over to spend Christmas with my family who have taken her in as a true and real member of the family - and that's saying something given how hesitant Irish families can be to outsiders.


Apologies for what turned into a ramble. Guess all I'm saying is that I tried a few LDRs, built up a lot of airmiles. They didn't work out but gave great enjoyment and I've made some great and close friends as a result. Can LDRs work? Sure they can - and there's plenty of proof of that. Equally, there's plenty of proof that more fail than succeed and much of the reason for failure is that too many use "LDRs" to substitute fantasy for reality.

Therefore, my general view is - if you're thinking of a LDR, give it a go and you could have enjoyment and ultimately have a meaningful relationship. However, for your safety and sanity and that of your partner, keep it grounded in reality at all times.

[Gráinne]

I've done two LDRs or, rather, VLDRs (very long distance relationships) in that both were with women from opposite parts of the world to me. The first was in South East Asia and the second was in San Diego.

In neither case was it conscious for me (or my partner) that we were entering a LDR - rather, in both instances it just happened after friendship and, by friendship, I mean real-time friendship, albeit supplemented by phone, internet etc.

Neither relationship lasted but, interestingly, I don't think that either failed due to the long distance aspects. Certainly, it caused additional unwelcome challenges but not the deciding factor in either. In practice, both relationships maybe lasted longer due to the long distance nature as, due to the limited real time contact, issues didn't necessarily come to a head until much later than had the relationship been much georgraphically closer and thus spending a lot of real time together.

When these relationships were working, they were often working due to extensive travel. At times, I would fly to the US four or five times a year and my partner would fly to Ireland (where I then lived) maybe two or three times a year. All a bit whirlwind, exciting at times and tiring at other times.

I don't regret either of the relationships, especially not the second of them. It's brought me the continued love of someone I'm incredibly close to and I've no doubt that we'll be incredibly bonded until the end.

We still see each other regularly - she's based in San Diego and I'll be travelling there later this month. Later in the year, to celebrate an Irish Christmas, she'll be travelling over to spend Christmas with my family who have taken her in as a true and real member of the family - and that's saying something given how hesitant Irish families can be to outsiders.


Apologies for what turned into a ramble. Guess all I'm saying is that I tried a few LDRs, built up a lot of airmiles. They didn't work out but gave great enjoyment and I've made some great and close friends as a result. Can LDRs work? Sure they can - and there's plenty of proof of that. Equally, there's plenty of proof that more fail than succeed and much of the reason for failure is that too many use "LDRs" to substitute fantasy for reality.

Therefore, my general view is - if you're thinking of a LDR, give it a go and you could have enjoyment and ultimately have a meaningful relationship. However, for your safety and sanity and that of your partner, keep it grounded in reality at all times.

I've had similar experiences, with a couple of women across the continent or the world (England, California). I'm in Arkansas.

I think LDR can work out, with a boatload of "if's". If you're grounded in reality, as Ciaran said. It's tempting to create an entire fantasy relationship in your mind that is much heavier than reality. IF you keep a "real life" wherever you are. IF you have some idea of being together, rather than a LDR ad infinitim. That can be hard, if you're already established in your own countries or states.

It's also true that in an LDR, the goal can become getting to see one another again, rather than growing closer as a couple. Then, when you do see one another, it's tempting not to "ruin" things by bringing up problems as you only have a few days together. It's so easy to spend it in bed and doing romantic things, rather than "real life" stuff.

It can be fun, of course. You can see part of the world you've never known, away from tourists (unless you go to a famous site, like I did with English woman ;)). If nothing else, you could come out of it with a good friend.

[RockOn]

LDRs have turned into wonderful, loving, lifelong relationships for many people. I am happy for all of these couples and offer my congratulations.

I've done a long distance relationship. I will not attempt another one under any circumstances. My reach doesn't extend past the other side of town. Only I can know what is best for me ... LDRs are simply not workable for me.

[Silverseastar]

I think it is awesome to know oneself as best as possible, and kudos for being clear on what does and doesn't work for you Brock. Thank you for the perspective.

I'm amused that you don't state your location on your profile though...teehee...

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I’ve had two LDRs that didn’t work out; both were Trans-Atlantic (USA and Canada). One, when I was in Italy and other living here, 3 years ago. I once vowed never to consider LDRs further than Europe, because it’s cheaper and there isn’t as much travelling; this allows us to see each other more and in everyday situations and moods. Recently, I’ve been listening to my intuition and allowing myself to be open to the possibility of another LDR outside of Europe if/when the right woman/Butch for me comes along…

I want and need intimacy along with open and honest communication; this doesn't just mean sex, but the need to connect, to share my feelings, and for her/hym to share theirs. I’m very touchy-feely and affectionate by nature and literally feel my way through the world and I need to communicate with my partner through touching them; either with a hug, kisses, or simply holding her/hys hand, etc.

In an LDR, it’s very easy to try and be happy and cheerful all the time for my partner, but the reality is, I can’t always be and neither could my partner. Yes, I’m naturally cheerful and happy by nature, yet, there are days when I may feel down, grumpy and bad tempered for whatever reason(s), or I feel hurt by something that’s happened or by someone. The same may apply to my partner and as much as I try to resist confrontation, communicating regularly with my partner and allowing myself and her/hym the vulnerability to see each other like this in everyday life; this also includes arguments and still know that we’ll be Okay, respectful of each other’s needs and have a solid relationship.

Should the relationship reach the stage of living together, we’re going to experience the ‘warts and all’ of each other and there will be times when we’ll argue over something.

This isn’t so easy to do in a LDR where it takes a days travel to be together and then only have one or two weeks together at most before weeks or even months apart.

[Ciaran]

Yes, I’m naturally cheerful and happy by nature, yet, there are days when I may feel down, grumpy and bad tempered for whatever reason(s)


As a total aside from the thread subject but I'm the complete opposite from the above i.e. I'm naturally grumpy and bad tempered but occasionally have cheerful and happy moments for whatever reason :eek:

[1QuirkyKiwi]

As a total aside from the thread subject but I'm the complete opposite from the above i.e. I'm naturally grumpy and bad tempered but occasionally have cheerful and happy moments for whatever reason :eek:

From personal experience, I know that these two exact polar opposites don't work for me in a relationship and I felt exhausted by their negative energy. I was frequently told that I was 'annoying' happy and 'irritatingly' optimistic! LOL!

P.S. It's my turn to have Kermit! ;) LOL!

[Ciaran]

P.S. It's my turn to have Kermit! ;) LOL!

Not a chance !!! Any request to have Kermit brings out my possessive and jealous streak ;)

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Not a chance !!! Any request to have Kermit brings out my possessive and jealous streak ;)

*Stamps foot and calls to Kermie* I'm neither jealous or possessive and willing to share... lol!

[Sachita]

Riley and I are in a LDR. Right now, there is approx 280 miles and 4.5 hours between us. When he moves, it will cut down on some of the miles but the travel time will be the same.

We see each other 1-2 times per month, depending on our schedules and finances. Last month, we spend my birthday together and this month, we will have two weekends because my family vacation will happen about an hour from him.

In between visits, we talk/text daily. He calls me on his lunch break & on his way home plus we spend about an hour together on the phone before we say "good night."

Aside from communication, I think that biggest thing that helps me cope is how busy we each are. We both work full time; he is in school full time and I am raising a family. Additionally, we are in a D/s relationship and have a decent amount of rituals in place. These serve as reminders of our commitment and responsibility to each other.

Finally, our relationship had a strong foundation in friendship and I think it as really helped us learn each other and grow together.

:sparklyheart:


I can handle 4 hours and a few times a month. In fact it might work great for me. I'm so busy. But LDR are very hard especially if you can't afford to fly or meet up often.

[girl_dee]

I can handle 4 hours and a few times a month. In fact it might work great for me. I'm so busy. But LDR are very hard especially if you can't afford to fly or meet up often.

Yup this is so true.

i would love to calculate airfare costs just from this site and see how many millions has been spent.

[Ciaran]

i would love to calculate airfare costs just from this site and see how many millions has been spent.

It's an interesting question. I think a lot of it would be spent anyway. Certainly, for me I've got a sense of wanderlust so I travel often, irrespective of whether I'm in a LDR or not.

I think many people are the same - they get a bit restless in the same place and need regular breaks elsewhere, whether for a weekend or a week and whether to meet up with a partner or to travel with a partner or friend. A LDR may be an excuse to travel but I've plenty of other excuses too.

[Darbonaire]

Yup this is so true.

i would love to calculate airfare costs just from this site and see how many millions has been spent.

I can only imagine......lol...I know I've spent a bunch over the years !

[mplsgrrl]

I'm thankful this thread has been revived.

I have always thought long-distance relationships were not for me. They still aren't. Not really. I cannot believe I am in one. We've been "dating" for the last 3 months or so. She lives in Canada. I live 1100+ miles away in the states.

I have fallen. Hard. I met her through a dating site and flew out within the first 2 weeks to meet her in person. I wanted to see if we would really be a "match". It went well. Almost too well. I flew out a second time. And she has visited me once. I will be going out there again for 2 weeks at the end of this month.

It is very difficult to not be physically present with someone (for me). We talk and text everyday (lots) and often use Skype.

I feel like we've gotten a bit caught up in - how are we going to make it not a LDR? It would involve a marriage and me moving to Canada. Whoa! Huge step! (And yes it's only been 3 months.) I'm very well-established (career, home owner, etc) where I live and I would be unravelling all that to move there. It will also be a major culture change: urban to rural.

So... now I've decided to back up a bit and really think about the relationship part of it... A LDR is a new experience for me. I think I'm willing to work on it though because the alternative would be not having this person in my life. And I'm not willing to give that up at this point.

[Silverseastar]

I'm really enjoying reading the variety of experiences and responses.

I'm like Ciaran and love travel so I think it can make LDR exciting for me. I'm also a very physical person so that is where the challenge comes in. If I'm in love I want to make out, hold hands, lay on their chest, snuggle to sleep...etc... and that can't happen LD nearly as often.

But that all being said, the right person is the right person and that is something special and worth pursuing like mplsgrrl was saying.

[Darbonaire]

I'm really enjoying reading the variety of experiences and responses.

I'm like Ciaran and love travel so I think it can make LDR exciting for me. I'm also a very physical person so that is where the challenge comes in. If I'm in love I want to make out, hold hands, lay on their chest, snuggle to sleep...etc... and that can't happen LD nearly as often.

But that all being said, the right person is the right person and that is something special and worth pursuing like mplsgrrl was saying.

I feel you are right in this. I, while not being really as physical focused as some, do enjoy haolding hands & snuggling. I also enjoy knowing that the person is THERE. But, for me anyway, LD will work since I'm only looking to establish friendships. In time though, I will want a "no distance' relationship....lol....I wish for ALL of us to find what makes us happy, comfortable, & secure ! Whatever that looks like & feels like !

[Darbonaire]

I'm thankful this thread has been revived.

I have always thought long-distance relationships were not for me. They still aren't. Not really. I cannot believe I am in one. We've been "dating" for the last 3 months or so. She lives in Canada. I live 1100+ miles away in the states.

I have fallen. Hard. I met her through a dating site and flew out within the first 2 weeks to meet her in person. I wanted to see if we would really be a "match". It went well. Almost too well. I flew out a second time. And she has visited me once. I will be going out there again for 2 weeks at the end of this month.

It is very difficult to not be physically present with someone (for me). We talk and text everyday (lots) and often use Skype.

I feel like we've gotten a bit caught up in - how are we going to make it not a LDR? It would involve a marriage and me moving to Canada. Whoa! Huge step! (And yes it's only been 3 months.) I'm very well-established (career, home owner, etc) where I live and I would be unravelling all that to move there. It will also be a major culture change: urban to rural.

So... now I've decided to back up a bit and really think about the relationship part of it... A LDR is a new experience for me. I think I'm willing to work on it though because the alternative would be not having this person in my life. And I'm not willing to give that up at this point.

It's always best to step back a bit....always....<IMHO anyway>

[Sachita]

I really don't want to be a Debbie Downer or discourage any type of love but I did have a few bad experiences want those of you embarking on this journey to also be realistic.

back in early 2000 I met someone and we had a LDR for almost 8 months. After 3 months I insisted she fly to see me or I could not continue the relationship. I offered to even pay for half of the ticket. I was taking care of rescued animals at the time and had no one to watch them while I traveled. She would make arrangements and then cancel last minute with some excuse I later discovered was all lies. She painted this picture that was so far from who she really was. Where she lives, worked, family, all big lies. There were a few red flags but I chalked it off as fear. Countless phone conversations and online chat. Its easy to fall in love with a dream.

She finally arrived and almost right away it things began to unfold. Once I had discovered the magnitude of deception I ended the relationship but we kept in contact, or at least she did claiming that she was afraid and there were countless excuses. But there really wasn't any reason to invent the grand stories she told. If you need to be private, say nothing, don't invent lies. I believe in being forthright and honest at the start of any relationship. I don't need to invent BS to make myself look good in someones eyes. If they can't accept the real me then I'm not going to invest my precious time. Its that simple.

I'm a smart ass woman. I can see things but i admit that sometimes I'm busy or I just don't pry. But you gotta wake up pretty early to pull the wool over my eyes, HOWEVER because of love, being lonely and often removed from my community (living rural) I fall into traps.

This has happened to me a few times. Thankfully the last time I spotted it right away and didn't allow it to continue. I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months. After I will expect both of us to travel often and carefully get a glimpse into each others lives- our friends, families, etc. this is important to me. After a year I would expect us to begin to make some decisions on being in the same state. I would not leave my granddaughter, therefore if I were to move it would mean selling or moving my business and moving my family, otherwise they would need to be happy on the farm!

Its easy to project your inner most desires. We are passionate human beings and our community presents some challenges. But its important to keep a clear and level head when investing so much emotion.

[macele]

i knew a woman that wanted as much love in 3 months as most would want in a lifetime. to be high maintenance emotionally requires immediate touch (ldr).

when we desire intimate relationships, ... that's just it, ... we want touch, ... to be in their company.

i think we should go for things we feel passionate about. don't hold back. don't have regrets. but there's no use in making regrets that common sense can help avoid.

i'm not one that thinks it can work for most. it can sometimes become more of a burden than a comfort. for those that have succeeded, i'm happy for.

[Ciaran]

If you need to be private, say nothing, don't invent lies. I believe in being forthright and honest at the start of any relationship. I don't need to invent BS to make myself look good in someones eyes. If they can't accept the real me then I'm not going to invest my precious time. Its that simple.

I've often tried to tell women online that I'm a successful gigolo to rich, wealthy women. Unfortunately, they tend not to believe me for some reason.



I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months. After I will expect both of us to travel often and carefully get a glimpse into each others lives- our friends, families, etc. this is important to me. After a year I would expect us to begin to make some decisions on being in the same state.


I agree with the sentiments above. To me, it can be a LD-something but not a LDR (i.e. relationship) until there has been some real-time, face-to-face contact. Obviously, you don't get to know an awful lot about someone from a initial day or few days in their real-time company but you get to find out an awful lot more about them, and whether there's potentially something there or not, than in months of texting and skype and so on.

I think electronic communication is good at continuing or maintaining a relationship but wouldn't be my preferred means of starting one. I never know who I'm talking to if I only know them online - okay, I might totally trust them so I know their occupation, their interests, where they live, their family etc.

But, I cannot really know who they are without real-time, face-to-face interaction. I need to look them in the eyes.

I agree with your one year point above also - whether it's six months or a year or whatever, at some stage, both parties need to realistically consider how the relationship can move from long distance to closer and, if not, to be honest and open about the reality and the options - which are to make hard choices or to drift.

[Glenn]

Once the rollercoaster stop where I was standing. A beautiful femme raised the bar, smiled, and patted the seat next to her. It was the front seat...but you know how that is your first time out from behind the screen...you can jump off and get banged up or continue on .. I lowered the bar..pulled the lever..lit a cigarette..and left the amusement park when confetti cannons started shooting out little red flags all over the platform.

[Darbonaire]

"I've often tried to tell women online that I'm a successful gigolo to rich, wealthy women. Unfortunately, they tend not to believe me for some reason. "

Me too !!!! Why don't they believe me ????

Just kidding.....but, the LDR takes a special committment from BOTH parties....total honesty, LOTS of communication, & a strong bond of trust.......some things that unfortunately not everyone can give or are willing to give.....but, if you think it's worth the shot I say....go for it....just leave the rose colored glasses at home.

[DapperButch]

I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months.

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

[Novelafemme]

"I agree with your one year point above also - whether it's six months or a year or whatever, at some stage, both parties need to realistically consider how the relationship can move from long distance to closer and, if not, to be honest and open about the reality and the options - which are to make hard choices or to drift."


I couldn't agree more. If I were to ever be single again I would not choose to do a LDR. For so many reasons that I don't want to get into here, but having BTDT, I would prefer to either be alone or dating/partnered to someone who lives near by.

[princessbelle]

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

I agree that three months before i met someone would be too long for me as well. I've had a few LDRs. But, meeting as soon as you can and as much as possible is key.

It was about a month into talking when me and my partner met face to face even though we knew "of" each other for years. We were 2500 miles from each other. But, we were both flexible and positive we could find a way. And thankfully, we did.

There is a lot of truth in the statement "You will know". That first hug, real time laugh, kiss, the fireworks *fans self, we both knew. We were both ready for that real relationship and it just worked, but you gotta work it. Many, many hours on skype, telephone, texts whatever you gotta do to become part of that person's life.

My advice to anyone starting in an LDR is ...meet the person soon, make sure that one of you are willing to move at the beginning and be responsible to yourself AND to the other party. BE HONEST. :)

OH andddddd make sure your heart ( the love part) AND mind (the red flags or financial or logistics, or "but i don't wanna move" parts) are in agreement. They BOTH have to want it. It took me many years to figure that one out. If your heart OR your mind is saying "no, i don't think so"...run.

[Sachita]

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

well honestly I want to get to know them a little first. I want to at least make sure we are on the same page and I look for little ques. It may happen faster but certainly not 30 days. Most of the time people travel to me and because I live in the country they stay at my farm (separate room) and we spend time together. I want to make sure I have a good feel for them and they are who they say they are. I enjoy having someone come, spend a few days, sitting by the fire and talking for many hours, however I still have responsibilities here.

lol- Ok, but the REAL reason is I need to make sure they can lift a 50 pound bag and feed and throw some hay bales around. If hy wants to hold up in my house I;m putting hym to work. lol - actually we'll work together.

[BullDog]

If one or more person in a potential relationship cannot/isn't willing to re-locate, then I really think you should be very cautious about LDRs. You are potentially setting yourself up for big time heart ache. I have seen this happen quite often, where two people are crazy about each other but there isn't any realistic way for them to live together. It's also a very big risk to leave a well-established job, family and friends, etc to re-locate to a new location. I did move once where it didn't work out, and it was quite miserable for me. I came back to Portland with my tail between my legs and had to completely start over with everything.

When I first started talking to Belle I knew right away that I really, really liked her. I had also read some of her posts and knew she was very close to her mother and wasn't moving anywhere. I really loved living in Portland, OR. So I sat myself down and really made sure I would be willing to move if things worked out. This was very early on when we first started talking. I made a decision that yes I would and continued to get to know her. I am very, very happy here in Knoxville, TN. :) Not everyone has the flexibility to move like I did.

[Teddybear]

lDR???? while being an OTR trucker, Im not any longer, I think all my relationship have been LDR. And let me tell you it isnt easy.

I am NOT against doing it again however I would like someone that was within driving distance so that we could meet often but this isnt a deal breaker. I love to travel.

I want some one who can keep up their end of a conversation. I have an unlimited phone plan both on my cell and home and believe me I have no problem getting my moneys worth.

I have been told I way to honest when I talk to someone and to me that isnt a bad thing but it has been my experience that not all people know how to be truthful.

I also believe that I should get to know them a bit prior to committing to a face to face however I don't want to wait till hell freezes over either.

Once I am in a relationship it really doesnt matter if its LDR or living with someone I do my best to be present whenever they need me to be. By this I make sure that we have certain times when we will call and talk. I also think that having regular dates even when living with some1 helps keep the spark.

I dont think that we should b in a hurry to pack the uhual and move to a new area so I think once a couple decide they are going to be a couple they need to have some set ground rules that each of them need to have met however they must have some wiggle room just to help with some adjustments.

After doing the LDR for a time period and no there isnt a set time limit but I think that once one or the other is starting to feel that they need more time with the person they love its time to have a face to face talk about what steps need to be taken.


Ok im backing off the soap box, As you can see I have some strong opinions about this subject and I havent even touched on as of yet.

I am open to talk about it at anytime Im online or just shoot me a message and ask I will be more then happy to let them be known

Have a great day

[DapperButch]

well honestly I want to get to know them a little first. I want to at least make sure we are on the same page and I look for little ques. It may happen faster but certainly not 30 days. Most of the time people travel to me and because I live in the country they stay at my farm (separate room) and we spend time together. I want to make sure I have a good feel for them and they are who they say they are. I enjoy having someone come, spend a few days, sitting by the fire and talking for many hours, however I still have responsibilities here.

lol- Ok, but the REAL reason is I need to make sure they can lift a 50 pound bag and feed and throw some hay bales around. If hy wants to hold up in my house I;m putting hym to work. lol - actually we'll work together.

I hear you, but I guess because I would not be willing to date long distance, inside of a month works for me. Meeting people quickly keeps one from getting too emotionally invested.

Yes, I can be pragmatic when it comes to dating! :cheesy:

[MaggieBluIze]

Thank you so very much E/everyone!!!

I have been reading up in bits and pieces since I "found" this thread and have finally gotten to the end. *smile*

My g/f is about to move, because of work relocation, and this is about to become my/Our reality.

I have taken in all your words and have even been having talks w/her about all that I am reading ... So helpful!!!

This is not an easy situation, but is/can be do-able if it is meant to.

:praying: :praying: :praying: :praying: :praying: :praying:

I know I said this at first, but Thank You for sharing.
This was so very needed.

[Ciaran]

lol- Ok, but the REAL reason is I need to make sure they can lift a 50 pound bag and feed and throw some hay bales around. If hy wants to hold up in my house I;m putting hym to work. lol - actually we'll work together.

My fantasy of living on Sachita's farm and being waited on hand and foot has now lost some of its allure.

I'm not good at any work that requires physical effort (50 pound bag? I'd maybe lift 5 pounds if feeling particularly energetic) or the risk of getting my hands dirty. What if I was to be given the behind the desk position of Director of Strategy at the farm?

[laruss]

LDR are hard, there is so much you learn about someone by spending time with them. It is so easy to keep up the pretense of everything being wonderful when you are far away.

I was in one LDR, and it was only 2 hours and when I moved there it was a shock as to how different they really were when we were spending all our time together. I moved there after a year of LD and it lasted a few years, but really I knew within a few months that it was a bad idea.

I am currently seeing someone 2 hours away (different direction) and this time I think it is me that is able to hide my true self. She sees nothing wrong with me at all and that freaks me out a lot. I'm not perfect, please don't put me on that pedestal... it hurts when I fall off.

My kids and grandkids are 2 and 6 hours away and that is hard too. Although Skype really helps there and my kids already know me and my grandkids are allowed to think I am perfect... because I am, aren't all grandmas?

I personally would not recommend LD, but if you are going to do it pay attention to the voices in your head warning you, telling you things that you might brush aside because you only see them once in a while.

And meeting is VERY important. It is so easy for someone to be all that and a bag of chips if you have never met, they can invent any personality to suit what you are looking for. Also learned this the hard way.

As someone who has raised foster children, one thing I learned is that they can keep up an expected attitude/behaviour for about 3 months before their true personality comes out and it is only then that you can start to move forward. With a LDR that can go on for years and you may see glimpses but if you do not pay attention you will never really know until you are with them full time.

I don't even take my own advice so it is up to you if you do or not. lol

[Arwen]

I've been in more than one LDR. One lasted for 3 years and then fell apart when we moved in together.

Syzygy and I are 6 hrs apart. We've used Skype alot as well as phone and text. We also have been working at finding halfway rendevous so we aren't so dependent on traveling. In two weeks we will be meeting up at a festival half way between my home and his. We've been together for over a year now (almost 1.5 wow) and it takes a lot of communication not to mention honesty. If you aren't willing to Skype unless you have your make up on...well, there's going to be some awkwardness that first morning after.

You feel me?

It's super important to meet first and then NOT MOVE RIGHT AWAY. Gods that scares me when I hear folks doing that. It's never a good idea.

I don't care how Cinderella and Prince Charming did it. I would have told them to wait 3-6 months too.

If your love can't take distance for 6 months, it won't last.

Yeah, I said it. And I'll stand by it too.

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them. Date, for Gods' sake. :D

[Beloved]

I want what Bulldog and PrincessBelle have. I just love the way you talk about each other. It gives me hope. Please don't ever break up because my hope will be gone! :)

[DapperButch]

I want what Bulldog and PrincessBelle have. I just love the way you talk about each other. It gives me hope. Please don't ever break up because my hope will be gone! :)

Talk about pressure! :lol2: :)

[Teddybear]

Talk about pressure! :lol2: :)

was getting ready to say the same thing Dapper.

[Teddybear]

I want what Bulldog and PrincessBelle have. I just love the way you talk about each other. It gives me hope. Please don't ever break up because my hope will be gone! :)



Beloved

I think we all want that, however not everyone is willing to work at it. I know I am however again I have been with people who said they were and when it came time to do it they were running for the hills.

Here's to hoping you find what your looking for and it is all that Bulldof and PrincessBelle have and then some

[Sachita]

I hear you, but I guess because I would not be willing to date long distance, inside of a month works for me. Meeting people quickly keeps one from getting too emotionally invested.

Yes, I can be pragmatic when it comes to dating! :cheesy:

I am open to face to face right away, no doubt and I agree that chemistry goes a long way, however there are so many factors I need to consider when thinking about a partner. I guess the older I get the more I look at the whole picture and approach relationships as total partnerships. I've done the passionate flights of fancy with no foundation and it really doesnt work for me any more.

Before someone comes into my life they need to understand some things about me. I am tired of investing so much time and energy to have it fall apart in a few months. I'd rather take my time, enjoy that person and learn about them. I want them to know that I can sometimes be aloof, distant and that I'm just not your typical woman. They need to understand that i have strong family commitments and how busy I am. If they are needy and demanding emotionally I may not be the right person for them. You learn this through any type of contact, why not learn this before spending money and too much time? I am also a naturally dominant and controlling woman with a strong maternal side. I can tell people this but they just don't get it until they are interacting with me or they may think they know what it means (most are wrong btw) and learn that really I'm not as hardcore as it may seem.

But I would most certainly be open to them flying in and meeting. I'd like at least a few weeks of talking, discovering and seeing if we may be compatible even as friends. In fact I'd love to start all relationships as friends.

[Sachita]

My fantasy of living on Sachita's farm and being waited on hand and foot has now lost some of its allure.

I'm not good at any work that requires physical effort (50 pound bag? I'd maybe lift 5 pounds if feeling particularly energetic) or the risk of getting my hands dirty. What if I was to be given the behind the desk position of Director of Strategy at the farm?


hahhaha yeah its a fantasy for sure! I don't wait on anyone hand and foot! I'm more of the diva type who wants to be catered too. Sorry to burst your bubble!

I would need to be in a relationship with someone who enjoy rural living and the outdoors, thats for sure. If hy doesn't want to help with the garden and yard they hy better make enough money to pay someone. Living in the city would make me very unhappy and like a fish out of water. I would be open to relocating, under the right circumstances but I doubt this will happen. I'm too much of a control freak to place myself into someone elses already existing world.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them. Date, for Gods' sake. :D


Dating and being dated is important through out the whole relationship. How a potential partner treats you and their attitude to dating says a lot about how they will treat you and the relationship when living together and/or married.

I’ve said before, I’m limited on technical ways of communicating should I ever have another LDR. My internet connection does not support Skype, so that leaves emails, phone calls and texting. For me, this makes dating each other when together even more vital to our relationship.

[BullDog]

Beloved that is so sweet. Thank you. I got very lucky. No worries on the pressure.

When it comes to going from LDR to living together I do think it's important to take your time and really make sure you are ready to take the next step. However, I don't think x number of months or years is what will make it successful. People can be LDR for a very long time and still not work out. Until you live with someone you are not really going to know how things will be day to day, no matter how honest someone is. If possible, have long visits before moving. That's the closest thing you can have I think.

[Silverseastar]

I'm not sure who it was that mentioned the 3 month mark as denoting who a person really shows up to be but I couldn't agree more. Recently I've been saying to people that 3-4 months seems like the cutoff point when I knew a relationship wasn't going to work. Both local and LD.

Maybe because when I have done LD it has involved a fair amount of skype time which gives face to face time.

In any case by 4 months someone's true nature really comes forward. Until then it's just a best foot forward scenario imho.

[Darbonaire]

I am open to face to face right away, no doubt and I agree that chemistry goes a long way, however there are so many factors I need to consider when thinking about a partner. I guess the older I get the more I look at the whole picture and approach relationships as total partnerships. I've done the passionate flights of fancy with no foundation and it really doesnt work for me any more.

Before someone comes into my life they need to understand some things about me. I am tired of investing so much time and energy to have it fall apart in a few months. I'd rather take my time, enjoy that person and learn about them. I want them to know that I can sometimes be aloof, distant and that I'm just not your typical woman. They need to understand that i have strong family commitments and how busy I am. If they are needy and demanding emotionally I may not be the right person for them. You learn this through any type of contact, why not learn this before spending money and too much time? I am also a naturally dominant and controlling woman with a strong maternal side. I can tell people this but they just don't get it until they are interacting with me or they may think they know what it means (most are wrong btw) and learn that really I'm not as hardcore as it may seem.

But I would most certainly be open to them flying in and meeting. I'd like at least a few weeks of talking, discovering and seeing if we may be compatible even as friends. In fact I'd love to start all relationships as friends.

That's the best way to be sure !

[Novelafemme]

Beloved that is so sweet. Thank you. I got very lucky. No worries on the pressure.

When it comes to going from LDR to living together I do think it's important to take your time and really make sure you are ready to take the next step. However, I don't think x number of months or years is what will make it successful. People can be LDR for a very long time and still not work out. Until you live with someone you are not really going to know how things will be day to day, no matter how honest someone is. If possible, have long visits before moving. That's the closest thing you can have I think.


I couldn't agree more with Bulldog. When it comes to any sort of relationship, whether it's long distance or not, you need to experience so many scenarios with your love interest before making any life changing decisions. Travel together, visit friends and relatives together, spend more that just a long weekend with one another...I hate to make it sound like you are constantly interviewing each other, but that is kind of what it's like. Especially if you have a nagging concern. And then there are those rare situations where you just know it's right and it is meant to be and all the pieces fall together on their own and in their own time.

When you fall hard and fast for each other it is so incredibly easy to push those red flag moments to the back of your mind because your heart and emotions are working overtime telling you otherwise. Time is the only thing that can bring someone's true colors to the surface, and in time you won't be so emotionally charged that you ignore the molehills that really are mountains. If something doesn't feel right or good you owe it to the other person to say, hey...i need some time and space to get a little clarity and do some soul searching before me move forward. If it's meant to be then the other person will be more than willing to allow you just that.

Good luck to all those embarking on this journey! It can work if you work it together. :)

[dixie]

LDRs suck. We cope though, thru daily phone calls, packages in the mail, and seeing one another as often as possible. We are able to make do with the distance much better than not being together at all...that is how we cope. :)

[Beloved]

No Pressure intended! I can see how it came off that way. :)

[Ciaran]

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them.


For me, even in same city without the same logistics challenges and risks, I wouldn't uproot for someone inside 6 months nor would I want someone to look to move in with me inside 6 months of dating.

A year plus and then start to consider it ..... :|

[Novelafemme]

For me, even in same city without the same logistics challenges and risks, I wouldn't uproot for someone inside 6 months nor would I want someone to look to move in with me inside 6 months of dating.

A year plus and then start to consider it ..... :|

I like this rule as well and have only ever lived with two people...the first being my husband of 15 years and the second being an on again/off again boyfriend before I came out, and that was mostly out of necessity and poor judgement on my part. :(

When I met Katy it was the perfect set of circumstances and I just released all fear and doubt that were clinging on by their nails from past relationships and opened my heart to what the universe had in store. And for the first time in my life I felt nothing but peace around my decision. We had work to do right from the beginning...especially me since I had come from a relationship where I was accused of everything imaginable (some true but mostly not) and I was really struggling to trust myself. I had lost that ability and was scared and frequently on the defense...which is not like me at all.

I guess my point is that when you find something and someone that is worth the blessed offering that is your heart and your love, go into it not only cautiously optimistic but realistic as well. We all have our baggage and finding someone who is "perfect" just isn't going to happen. But when you are willing to let your guard down and do the work it takes to make a truly beautiful communion of hearts and souls work...it is so worth it!

[Sachita]

LDRs suck. We cope though, thru daily phone calls, packages in the mail, and seeing one another as often as possible. We are able to make do with the distance much better than not being together at all...that is how we cope. :)


lol tell us how you really feel!

[DapperButch]

I am open to face to face right away, no doubt and I agree that chemistry goes a long way, however there are so many factors I need to consider when thinking about a partner. I guess the older I get the more I look at the whole picture and approach relationships as total partnerships. I've done the passionate flights of fancy with no foundation and it really doesnt work for me any more.

Before someone comes into my life they need to understand some things about me. I am tired of investing so much time and energy to have it fall apart in a few months. I'd rather take my time, enjoy that person and learn about them. I want them to know that I can sometimes be aloof, distant and that I'm just not your typical woman. They need to understand that i have strong family commitments and how busy I am. If they are needy and demanding emotionally I may not be the right person for them. You learn this through any type of contact, why not learn this before spending money and too much time? I am also a naturally dominant and controlling woman with a strong maternal side. I can tell people this but they just don't get it until they are interacting with me or they may think they know what it means (most are wrong btw) and learn that really I'm not as hardcore as it may seem.

But I would most certainly be open to them flying in and meeting. I'd like at least a few weeks of talking, discovering and seeing if we may be compatible even as friends. In fact I'd love to start all relationships as friends.

Yes, I was speaking about meeting sooner rather than later, not dating sooner rather than later. Meaning, to me the meeting would be about figuring out if you even want to go on a date.

[SleepyButch]

I have to agree that it is important to meet sooner rather than later. If you don't, you may spend all this amount of time and energy on something that may not work once you meet. Of course there is always the possibility that even after you meet several times, spend a lot of money, move in together, that it may not work as well, but at least you can say you tried.

LDRs stink but sometimes relationships right in front of your face do as well. lol

[Leigh]

I've done a few LDR's in my life and they never worked out but it certainly wasn't for a lack of trying on our parts and yes we met but life just gets in the way and things happen. My current partner and I are in different countries, hy is in the States and I am in Canada, we spend alot of time chatting on yahoo and I'm writing hym a letter right now as well (hopefully we'll talk on the phone soon too). We plan on meeting in September at the Reunion and I'm really looking forward to getting to spend that weekend with hym! Its all about communication, spending as much time doing things together as chatting online, texting if you can, skyping also if you can, phone calls, letters etc all of those things will help ~ doesn't make the stupid distance any easier, but it does help to strengthen the relationship and bring both people closer together :)

[Teddybear]

I have done LDRs before and I have always met within a 2 month period of starting to talk however this time was different. My girl and I started talking and within 2 and half weeks we had to meet we planned it then we were joking around and I got off work earlier and drove the 6 hrs to see her without a plan on where I was staying, what we were going to do or anything.

The minute we both got out of our cars and hugged for the first time I knew and so did she we had finally found what we had been missing.

We TALK on the phone all the time about everything, in the last month we have over 7000+ texts God only knows how many hrs we spend on the phone.

We have had 2 meetings since the 1st one and another 1 coming up soon. We havent worked out a schedule of our meetings yet however we both know that being apart isnt working for us.

We have plans for differnt things for July, August and I think early Sept however I think as long as we keep true to ourselves and our commitment to our love then this LDR is going to work till we make the final move to live together and be a family in the same space.

Communication is the key. Talk about everything NO matter how difficult it is

That is my .02 worth

[Hack]

I have done a few LDRs in my life, including one that was transatlantic (highly romantic, but wholly impractical).

I have found that there have to be some key elements for me:

1. Trust. You have to trust each other, just like in any relationship, I suppose.

2. Communication. It is important to me that my girlfriend knows and feels she can say anything to me. And I mean anything.

3. Go slow. I'm highly averse to the UHaul after one really bad experience in my past. I like taking it slow.

4. Always set the next visit before you leave. That way you both know there's a next visit scheduled -- it helps you plan life and it helps with #3.

5. Live like a local. Too often, I think LDR-ers fall into having serial vacations and not a relationship. I find ways to "live like a local" when I am there. Grocery shop together, run errands, walk the dog, take out the trash, cook together. In other words, play house a bit. Don't make it purely about sexual vacations.

Just some bits of advice.

Jake

[Soft*Silver]

I have had a few long distance relationships in my time. That was when I was able to be mobile. I own my own home now and am very close to my family and friends, have my own business and have clubs and hobbies I enjoy here in town. I wont move again. I fell hard in love, twice, with people who lived out west and both wanted me to move to them, and both times, I had to end the romance because I couldnt/wouldnt move. Damn near broke my heart completely. I thought it was awful to have tried a romance and had it fail, but to never get to try one that you are already invested in, to never know if it could have lasted, been "the one", was so much worst...

everyone seems to have covered so much already. I guess the only thing I want to add, is to make sure, that the other person is working just as hard at making things work as you are. I was involved in an LDR where I had to make all the accommodations to make the relationship work. That should have told me how the other person viewed relationships. They had definite committment issues. We werent a match anyways but I was foolish not to pick up on this very important factor. I wanted it to work in the worst way because I was falling so hard for him. So, like Belle said, make sure your heart and your mind are congruent with one another. Dont be lead just by your heart. Make your mind sit up and take notice and make the decisions too...

[DapperButch]

...I had to end the romance because I couldnt/wouldnt move. Damn near broke my heart completely. I thought it was awful to have tried a romance and had it fail, but to never get to try one that you are already invested in, to never know if it could have lasted, been "the one", was so much worst...



This.

That is why I have never been willing to do the LDR thing. My career is here and my life is here. I have no interest in moving. Unless you know you would move, or can be certain the one you have met would move, don't even start a LDR. Why set yourself up for pain?

Good post.

[spritzerJ]

Coping with the LDR is tricky. I am a wander. I can just move and add someone to my life a bit too easily. Which is how I ended up in NH and in a giant mess for a few months. However I got lucky. When it didn't work, I had my experienced past of making things work in a variety of places to rely on. I found a few wonderful friends out here to help out and even managed to fall in love again.

And thus begins another LDR. We are lucky our LDR is only 3.5 hours (depending on how fast I drive). And we can both visit each other (although we are heading to hym more often right now). The time apart is hard and drives me nuts. Yet this time it is spot on what we need. The nextfamily change needs to be slow. The LDR makes us take our time (even if it sucks).

So as the grown up I can cope with the LDR and as the lover I work extra hard and love hym more. For understanding we are worth the wait and that it really is right to wait another year. We'll have a long time under our relationship and family belt by the time one of us moves.

[Point~Of~No~Return]

~i personally think ldr's are next to impossible but for some its perfection.


there always seems to be one that isn't secure with themselves or confident enough in who they are with to have total trust, if you do not have this it just wont work

its very costly and expensive ~ uprooting your life for what ifs

its hard to work and travel all of the time

you spend every moment just wanting to be with them which is gut wrenching and painful



~if you want it to work

work on it together

set boundaries

trust

communication

dont force issues give the person time you're building a level of trust and communication when you're scared from the start due to distance everyone has baggage be respectful and understanding of that

compromise

belief in yourself

belief in the other person

avoid malicious people - do not listen to rumors

by all means follow your heart think with your mind and love with your all

what wasnt a good relationship for one person doesnt mean for the next theyre not your heart

old saying~ one womans trash is another womans treasure

if you love them never give up hope it will work as its meant to be

have faith in your destiny all of lifes journeys are life lessons

[stephfromMIT]

We went colleges in different states (Me-PA, Mandy-MN) We kept in touch with Facebook and e-mail. We spent as much off time together as possible.

[justkim]

Some days better than others... that is how I cope...

[girl_dee]

Well i never thought i would be in an LDR but here i am. For some reason, it doesn’t really feel like an LDR because hy does everything possible to close the distance gap, and so do i. I try to make sure hy knows i am just a text or call away. I am interested in how hys day is going, and i try to let hym know this.

Technology is amazing, but it takes more. It takes being present with each other even when you are not in contact. I appreciate this, as I live alone and sometimes it’s nice to feel you have someone close. Sometimes i feel as life is passing me by, and i don’t want to waste another minute without hym close.

For a RDL couple, we have seen each other a lot, thanks to hym, and nothing feels more right that to take the next step and make it full time. The gaps between visits are definitely getting harder, and that tells me something.

i am glad that we’ve not rushed into, it but we aren’t getting any younger, and i am ready to settle in.

i am such a lucky femme, the luckiest, and i know it. i just hope i can keep hys attention when the fun weekends and courting is over.

i look forward to the day where there is not 2500 miles between us. :heartbeat:

[homoe]

~~
I'm not sure it qualifies as a LDR but I have someone I'm very fond of that I mostly refer to as My Traveling Companion that lives in Chicago.

We met more than 10 years ago when she was the front desk clerk at a hotel I always stayed at in the Windy City. Over the years we talked and got to know a bit about each other's life. She then invited me & introduced me to new places in and around Chicago.

Before Covid, I could go to visit her and Chicago whenever the mood struck! For the past year we've phoned, written, and planned for when travel is safe once again...:flying: