Breaking up

[Merlin]

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

[PinkieLee]

Of course you go through a period of grieving during any breakup...
Grieving the loss of the relationship, the friendship & hopes for the future.

It's a natural emotion that should be faced. My advice is to not let the grief consume every aspect of your life. Yes you feel pain, but you've still got to get up and go to work. Yes your heart is hurting and your life is upside down, but the sun is still gonna come up every day.

*you never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice*

[cinderella]

Obviously, it depends on how much feelings you had for the person. Most times, the one who walks away feels no, or little grief. Naturally, every situation is different. Sometimes the one who walks away is hurting more...

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

[FlowerFem]

Of course you do. If you loved them. But I've had breakups where it was a relief. They were a burden or unhealthy. They offered very little so there was'nt much to miss, or be sad about.

[T D]

I believe that leaving a relationship can be a long drawn out, difficult, and sad process. It is often times very painful and can bring about a great deal of grief for the person leaving as well. Yes it can also be a relief, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. No matter which side of the coin you're on it's a loss, and loss is never easy. Just my opinion.

[EnderD_503]

I think it depends on the person, situation and length of time the relationship lasted. Some people don't take relationships as seriously as others, and maybe they find it easier to move on, while others need time. Also, if the relationship was fairly short, then that might lessen the impact on both parties. I think the longer the relationship, the harder it probably is to come out of it for most people.

[Apocalipstic]

I think sometimes the grief we feel is for how we wish the relationship had been.....even if we were the one to walk away.

Grief for the good times, the good parts, the person you loved but maybe just are not, for what ever reason, compatible with any more.

Grief that the picture you had for your life was not real.

Grief that you have to start over.

Grief that you look at yourself differently.

Grief.

[Merlin]

Heartbreak.

It's happened to me every time .. And it feels like a little piece of my heart dies when a relationship fizzles out.

[Quintease]

Friends of mine and I have experienced the 'losing three months' phenomenon. When you walk around in a daze for 3 months and come out the other end as though it began the day before. I came out of one once to discover I was already in another relationship! What a mistake that was:sunglass:

There is never anything nice about breakups with someone who you once loved, adored and cherished. I'm hoping I'll never have to go through another ever again.

[T4Texas]

I think you absoloutely do go through a grieving process. It's because of the loss and the knowledge that you won't be seeing that person again or sharing those little things you used to do on a daily basis. I think when breakups are ugly, with lots of hurt feelings, slanderous accusations and such, the grieving process is shortened as feelings of love can turn to hate pretty quickly. But even then, there is still that element of loss. I believe we go through three phases. First sadness, then anger and finally a kind of realization settles in that we are moving on which is the real goal. One thing is for certain, that time takes care of it all.

[Apocalipstic]

Sometimes I ask myself it is worth it.

[cinderella]

I'm so sorry, Merlin...but I know just how that feels. I've been thru it so many times now, I don't have a heart anymore...

Heartbreak.

It's happened to me every time .. And it feels like a little piece of my heart dies when a relationship fizzles out.

[blackboot]

I think you absoloutely do go through a grieving process. It's because of the loss and the knowledge that you won't be seeing that person again or sharing those little things you used to do on a daily basis. I think when breakups are ugly, with lots of hurt feelings, slanderous accusations and such, the grieving process is shortened as feelings of love can turn to hate pretty quickly. But even then, there is still that element of loss. I believe we go through three phases. First sadness, then anger and finally a kind of realization settles in that we are moving on which is the real goal. One thing is for certain, that time takes care of it all.

This really resonates with me. I had a sixteen year relationship end. Ugly would be an understatement. I took time for myself. I sought out counseling and found a wonderful Therapist. I stayed single--on purpose for nearly five years. Time did take care of it and I learned about myself and that I had to "do the work." That hard stuff about loving yourself before you attempt to love another. I met that wonderful someone on the dash site and now am having the healthiest relationship I have ever had. Optimist? Probably. But it took time and work.

[Jar]

For sure! You grieve for lost dreams, love that you have to watch die, the feeling that you were loved ... you miss the person. I'm going through it now and some days it feels like I'm trying to quit smoking. It's like I'm going through withdrawals from it all. It's miserable!

Sorry Merlin!

[Quintease]

Sometimes I ask myself it is worth it.

Absolutely! Every person who has walked into my life has changed it in some way. I wouldn't be the person I am or have the life I do had I stayed with the first person who loved me. I regret nothing

actually that's a lie, I regret one or two but hey, silver lining and all that

[Apocalipstic]

Therapy, exercise, having great friends around, getting things accomplished all seem to help.

My mother died when I was 13 and I survived, so breakups..while painful...are not going to destroy me or make me not have a heart. I try to look at it like we each learned from each other what we needed to and now its time to go on the next chapter. Heart even bigger for having loved. :)

So yes, it's worth it...but definitely worth looking at ways to keep out of trouble without resorting to a hostage situation girlfriendship. At least not right this second.

[Apocalipstic]

Absolutely! Every person who has walked into my life has changed it in some way. I wouldn't be the person I am or have the life I do had I stayed with the first person who loved me. I regret nothing

actually that's a lie, I regret one or two but hey, silver lining and all that



Ha, we posted at same time. Agreed! I have gained something from all of my over 2 month relationships lololol.

No regrets! I need that! Thank you Q!

[foxyshaman]

I am grieving right now and trying to figure out how we can stay in our 'community' at the same time. We have good days and bad days. This is the hardest breakup I have EVER been through. I seriously thought this was my forever.

But here I am. The hardest part for me can be trying to let go of thinking of her. Sometimes it drives me crazy. One thing I am grateful for is that I have a very busy life. But I did take time to marry my couch after she dumped my ass. My couch has never let me down. And then one day she pushed me off and said "hey you have a life get off me". And so i did and found out I still have a life.

Right now I am trying to figure out stuff about myself. I have found every relationship has been a mirror. What are the good things I see and what are the bad things I look quickly away from. I am taking the time to have a GOOD HARD LOOK, therapy and lots of reading. Fortunately for me I have a deep spiritual connection that has helped me heal in ways that unfortunately others don't have access to.

But it still hurts. One day it won't hurt. One day, a day will go by when I don't think of her. One day, I won't regret the stuff I wish we had done together.

One day is coming. And each day that passes, that one day gets closer.

[hpychick]

I absolutely believe it's necessary to grieve the loss of a relationship - no matter how long of a relationship it was.

Getting outdoors, exercising, finding people of value to spend time with and talk to are great ways for me to get past the hurt and disillusionment.

Sometimes, there are those relationships that you just know you are better off without though, and you can breathe an interminable sigh of relief when it's finally over.

[Gemme]

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

Of course. The relationship you had with another is dead and, thus, you go through the 5 steps of grief.

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Though, not everyone goes through the steps in the same way or processes them similarly. But, in some regard, we all do them.

[girl_dee]

I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship.

Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.

[Quintease]

I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship.

Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).

[girl_dee]

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).

exactly. I am wiser now :)

[Soon]

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."


~Pema Chodron

[hpychick]

Thank you so very much for posting this from Pema - she is an amazing amazing human being!

She has touched my soul in many ways and her wisdom is timeless!



"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."


~Pema Chodron

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

I have been in love and in relationships. I grieved differently each time, Because each one brought something special to me and our relatiosnhip. The relatiosnhip that brought me most pain was the one that betrayed me. I knew this women wanted someone to carry her financially she liked money and although I did my best as a husband to provided, it was not enough. After our break up I learned that she has met a women that has plenty of money.. she found a pot of Gold, I now know why she pushed our friendship away.


I feel protected by the universe, I also know that I will always be a giving,loving caring guy that is my innate nature but much wiser. I could see and feel who deserves my heart attentions and Money.

I am reading
HICH NHAT HANH
Anger

Pema Chodron
The places that Scare You.
I suggest these books

[girl_dee]

I honestly feel that the Universe takes care of us in ways we don't understand. Each relationship I have had, I feel, had a reason for it. It was never meant to be forever, I chose to leave each one, because the time with that person had ran it's course, even though I may have thought it should have lasted forever in the beginning.

Looking back I know there was a lesson, I got the lessons, thank you Universe for letting me come out with my sanity (questionable) and preparing me for the future.

[Mister Bent]

lNu1ceKZgE4&feature=fvwrel

"stuck on the porn phase."

[pajama]

I think too, it's important to understand that the other person may not grieve for the same length as you do. Just because they have moved on to another relationship doesn't necessarilly mean they aren't grieving some of the loss of the relationship as well.

Someone mentioned earliler too that the person ending the relationship may not grieve, but I disagree. They still grieve the loss of what they thought they had, the future they were hoping to make, and the time they may have invested in this relationship before realizing that it wasn't quite the right one.

So yes we all grieve, and that's ok.

A

[Merlin]

^ agree totally.

[Mister Bent]

And you just have to get over it.

-PSdjixBTNE&feature=related

I'm not going to think about how for a long time it really seemed like it was going to work out.

[Merlin]

There are places I remember,all my life though some have changed. Some forever not for better,some have gone and some remain. All these places have their moments with lovers and friends I can recall. Some are dead and some are living in my life i've loved them all - The Beatles.

[*Anya*]

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?
I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it has taken me to get over my relationship-5 years of grieving. It was not the death of a person but death of hopes, dreams, plans, shared experiences & the belief we would be together forever. In my defense (I know I do not need to defend!) we lived together 18 years. It was also my choice-not hers. I thought that would make it easier but it wasn't. I have no regrets, I learned so much from her & still love her but no longer in love with her. All of a sudden I knew I was finished grieving and could move on. Funny how life works like that!

[lettertodaddy]

I'm grieving right now. Sitting here at the computer, a hopeless blubbering mess.

The end of this most recent relationship has unexpectedly triggered memories of a relationship that truly, truly broke me. I not only lost my lover, I lost my best friend, our community of friends, and ten years worth of memories.


I'm grieving the person I was before this happened, when I could let people in and trust them. Now all I do is second guess myself, second guess them, and worry that I'll be abandoned again.

I know I have work to do. I've spent the last three years working very, very hard on myself, But I'm backsliding right now and it is painful.

Thanks for letting me share this.

[ruffryder]

I do agree that when there is a breakup (especially when you're with someone for awhile and you thought they were "the one") that you will grieve. It is normal. I think with this grieving period it is important to get a closure. Talk to the person if you can, understand why it didn't work. Take time to accept it. Take time for yourself. Take time to realize their mistakes and yours and move on from it growing and learning and being a better person. It doesn't mean you have to close yourself off from the world, family, and friends, but it does help to take time for yourself and figure out what went wrong and be okay with moving on. It takes time. It will make you a stronger person and in time you will be ready to open your heart again to experience and love.

[ruffryder]

On a personal note I went through this in the past year and a half. I was with someone who I thought was it for me. I wanted to make it work so bad. I wanted to be with her forever I thought. However, God doesn't always want that for you. It took me awhile to figure it out and move on from this relationship. Now, I am happy. I talk to her still. I love her and care for her still. She has a special place in my heart and always will. However, I can't control people or love. I can only have the feelings I have and trust in faith and God that things work out for reasons unknown.. and for me it's because I haven't found "the one." It is okay to have the great memories and grieve and pray for strength and faith to get through a breakup and know that better things await you. (:

[Leigh]

I'm grieving right now. Sitting here at the computer, a hopeless blubbering mess.

The end of this most recent relationship has unexpectedly triggered memories of a relationship that truly, truly broke me. I not only lost my lover, I lost my best friend, our community of friends, and ten years worth of memories.


I'm grieving the person I was before this happened, when I could let people in and trust them. Now all I do is second guess myself, second guess them, and worry that I'll be abandoned again.

I know I have work to do. I've spent the last three years working very, very hard on myself, But I'm backsliding right now and it is painful.

Thanks for letting me share this.

((((((((((letter)))))))))) Its so hard to let go, and it turns us into a mess of emotions and self doubt and we are left to wonder why does this happen to us? I still experience grief and losing certain relationships that I thought were forever but as much as love can leave you a broken wing one day you will fly again and everything will be okay :rrose:

On a personal note I went through this in the past year and a half. I was with someone who I thought was it for me. I wanted to make it work so bad. I wanted to be with her forever I thought. However, God doesn't always want that for you. It took me awhile to figure it out and move on from this relationship. Now, I am happy. I talk to her still. I love her and care for her still. She has a special place in my heart and always will. However, I can't control people or love. I can only have the feelings I have and trust in faith and God that things work out for reasons unknown.. and for me it's because I haven't found "the one." It is okay to have the great memories and grieve and pray for strength and faith to get through a breakup and know that better things await you. (:

This is *SO* very true bro, thank you for posting it ~ sometimes we need to see it in order to be able to hear it :-)

[Quintease]

I think too, it's important to understand that the other person may not grieve for the same length as you do. Just because they have moved on to another relationship doesn't necessarilly mean they aren't grieving some of the loss of the relationship as well.

Someone mentioned earliler too that the person ending the relationship may not grieve, but I disagree. They still grieve the loss of what they thought they had, the future they were hoping to make, and the time they may have invested in this relationship before realizing that it wasn't quite the right one.

So yes we all grieve, and that's ok.

A

Agree. I coped with a horrendous breakup once by jumping into a new relationship. I ended up grieving for 2 years! I knew I was better when I could finally look at my life and want something more for myself.

[Glenn]

I haven't seen hind nor hair of my wife since last Spring. She's probably camping in a corn field waiting for the Mother Ship If anyone meets a femme who claims to be the first gay woman Jesus, that's my wife... Tell her to come home please :(

















No regrets..just love.

[*Anya*]

There are so many layers of healing I have discovered.

It is as though I were an onion, pulling/tearing off layer by layer.

The first one was the bitter pill of betrayal that repeated unfaithfulness did to both my outer layer as well as the deepest core of me.

This bitter, angry layer was healed and acceptance of what was, and choices I made, soon followed.

Somehow, I thought that once I reached peace, acceptance and the end of outward grieving; I could move on.

Only to find...

that the very core of my onion self is so scarred by all of those years, that I have truly lost the ability to trust myself, my own feelings, the love and care of another. I am so unsure that I will recognize goodness again that I am fearful if pulling off the scar tissue that protects the core of me.

My intellect tells me clearly life holds no guarantees and surely my life has proven nothing but this idiom to be true, but my emotions, that ability to once again open my heart totally and completely, are fused with that scar tissue and I fear tearing it off so much it terrifies me.

I just do not know at the point if I fear living alone for the rest of my life more than I do the fear of believing once again that I just might chose a person of goodness and worthy of my trust.

I used to know so clearly who I was and that I could make good and healthy choices for myself. I just do not trust me anymore.

[Guy]

I think too, it's important to understand that the other person may not grieve for the same length as you do. Just because they have moved on to another relationship doesn't necessarilly mean they aren't grieving some of the loss of the relationship as well.

Someone mentioned earliler too that the person ending the relationship may not grieve, but I disagree. They still grieve the loss of what they thought they had, the future they were hoping to make, and the time they may have invested in this relationship before realizing that it wasn't quite the right one.

So yes we all grieve, and that's ok.

A

This is a great point. I also think that its important to remember that the relationship just doesn't go sour overnight and that the person ending the relationship may have been grieving the loss of their relationship for awhile, and the other just not caring enough to notice and taking the relationship for granted.

[Apocalipstic]

lNu1ceKZgE4&feature=fvwrel

"stuck on the porn phase."



Right now alone seems way less stressful.

[*Anya*]

Right now alone seems way less stressful.

Oh, just love this! I went through phases one and two and skipped to parts of phase 5 (cyberdyke.com anyone?).

Thanks, I needed this today:)

[funkyfemme]

Therapy, exercise, having great friends around, getting things accomplished all seem to help.

My mother died when I was 13 and I survived, so breakups..while painful...are not going to destroy me or make me not have a heart. I try to look at it like we each learned from each other what we needed to and now its time to go on the next chapter. Heart even bigger for having loved. :)

So yes, it's worth it...but definitely worth looking at ways to keep out of trouble without resorting to a hostage situation girlfriendship. At least not right this second.

I really like that part and am going to try and keep that in my head while my heart is still very broken and trying to mend.

[Apocalipstic]

It sure is not easy.

[Morgan]

I jumped into my relationship so fast, the second date was a uhaul truck date. I have never moved in with someone so fast, lol. The first month was great, the second one better, but by the third month things started changing....now we are the at the sixth month and although living together we are trying to get our affairs in order so we can seperate and move into our own place. Yes it is hard living together, knowing I will never hold her, kiss her or be with her ever again. We are friends and do things together, have dinner together, play Scrabble sometimes, get our hair cut, but my heart aches knowing I will never have the connection we had in the first few months. I have been around a long time, and know that rushing into something is not always the best thing to do. Taking time to know someone is important and although my heart is breaking, I know I will always love this woman and be supportive of her and I do not regret having had her in my life for the short period we were involved. The hardest part is bowing is out gracefully and respecting ourselves, we don't need to fight or play games. Yeah in my mind, I am thinking she will never know how much she was loved, maybe someday she will see, but for now it is time to let her go.
She is still in love with her abusive ex.......Good bye my love.

[funkyfemme]

I jumped into my relationship so fast, the second date was a uhaul truck date. I have never moved in with someone so fast, lol. The first month was great, the second one better, but by the third month things started changing....now we are the at the sixth month and although living together we are trying to get our affairs in order so we can seperate and move into our own place. Yes it is hard living together, knowing I will never hold her, kiss her or be with her ever again. We are friends and do things together, have dinner together, play Scrabble sometimes, get our hair cut, but my heart aches knowing I will never have the connection we had in the first few months. I have been around a long time, and know that rushing into something is not always the best thing to do. Taking time to know someone is important and although my heart is breaking, I know I will always love this woman and be supportive of her and I do not regret having had her in my life for the short period we were involved. The hardest part is bowing is out gracefully and respecting ourselves, we don't need to fight or play games. Yeah in my mind, I am thinking she will never know how much she was loved, maybe someday she will see, but for now it is time to let her go.
She is still in love with her abusive ex.......Good bye my love.

Morgan....I am so sorry. Sounds just like what I just went through. I hope it gets better for you. HUGS!!

[Morgan]

Thanks funkyfemme...I am glad this place is here. I am sorry for your pain, hugs as well to you.

[funkyfemme]

Thanks funkyfemme...I am glad this place is here. I am sorry for your pain, hugs as well to you.

I'm forever grateful for this space too. You have no idea!!! Hugs again!! It WILL get better!!!!!!!!!! It fuckin has to!!!!!

[Leigh]

I know bad the hurt is right after you break up with someone, especially if you really love the person and thought that they were supposed to be your forever. It takes time for things to heal, and its not an easy road, but it certainly does get better and the heart does mend ~ even if it doesnt seem like it now, it will get better that I promise each of you :-)

[Scrappy L'il Southpaw]

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot.

I very much identify with this part of what you say. My BF and I were talking this week and she said to me, "I don't understand why you continue in a relationship even when you know it is not working for you." I do this even if it has not been more than a few months. Once I commit, I'm in. When it's truly over, I'm depressed over the loss and pissed and embarrassed for continuing so long after my mind and my gut was telling me "this is not good or right for me."

Quintease thank you for putting it into words. I'm going through it right now and am in such a spiral that I'm not making sense when I try to talk it out. I read your post and nearly burst into tears because it resonated so strongly with me.

Grieve? Oh hell yeah!!!!!

[Amber2010]

Obviously, it depends on how much feelings you had for the person. Most times, the one who walks away feels no, or little grief. Naturally, every situation is different. Sometimes the one who walks away is hurting more...

I agree with that quote. The one who walks away without even trying to compromise and work things out really feels nothing or maybe never did.. that person was just a convenience for them. I really can't see them hurting more since they didn't try to work on it. The ones who do try even if it may not work out can stay talking thoughout their lives and I have met many who are close with their ex's. Friendships and relationships change but the ones who work together on them stay connected forever just in a different way and who knows it may even be better.

[MysticOceansFL]

I would have to say it depends on the two people involved and how much time and effort they both put into the relationship because at some point I was the one who had to walk away from my relationship years ago and her and I had a six year marriage an I didn't date anyone for several years.

[Quintease]

I know bad the hurt is right after you break up with someone, especially if you really love the person and thought that they were supposed to be your forever. It takes time for things to heal, and its not an easy road, but it certainly does get better and the heart does mend ~ even if it doesnt seem like it now, it will get better that I promise each of you :-)

That.

The three years before my current partner were probably the worst of my life. Hurt, lonely, rejected, betrayed. I sought solace in a new relationship only to be abused.

Then out of nowhere this beautiful love fell out of the sky and we've just cemented it by getting married!!!!!

So it does get better ...eventually :cheer:

[ruby_woo]

I feel bad blubbering all over the forum but I honestly don't where else to go. 8+ years is ending. I was 20 years old when we met. I'm now 29. I moved to Vancouver from San Francisco to be with her. I don't have friends here, my family is in Ohio.

I really thought we were going to be together forever. We were supposed to go to Disneyland, spend my 30th birthday together, and now it's not happening and I still can't believe it. We have to move out, obviously, find separate apartments. I don't even know how to find apartments in Vancouver. And how do you divide up 8 years worth of stuff together?

I love her, and she loves me, but says she can't give me what I need, she's changed, it'll be better for me. I don't know how something that hurts so badly can be better, but OK. I have a headache from crying so much. She still tries to hug and comfort me when I'm crying, but that's going to have to stop, obviously.

This sucks. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this.

[Quintease]

I love her, and she loves me, but says she can't give me what I need, she's changed, it'll be better for me. I don't know how something that hurts so badly can be better, but OK. I have a headache from crying so much. She still tries to hug and comfort me when I'm crying, but that's going to have to stop, obviously.

This sucks. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this.

It does suck and please don't feel bad for looking for help from other people (((hugs)))

When my ex dumped me (5 years, new country, marriage certificate) she said 'You will thank me for this one day'. Of course I was devastated! She was leaving me while making out that she was doing this for me??

Ironically, though I doubted she really knew at the time, she was right. It took over 3 years but now I am in a much better and happier place, in a much better and more satisfying relationship.

You WILL get through this, purely as you have no choice. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving, keep doing what you have to do. It will hurt for a very long time, but one day you will wake up and realise you've done it, you've managed to move on.

Until then, try to look after yourself xxx

[kittygrrl]

so sorry this is happening to you..it's like losing a part of you and the immensity of that...no one can truly understand..unless you've been through it..I suggest don't prolong the pain get out as soon as you can..stuff (be damned) every piece will only serve to remind you what you've lost ..so everything you decide to keep, will remind you everytime you see or use it..do you really need that? my advise (in this situation) sell everything you can, give the rest away, and travel light (out of this toxic situation)..there is life after this but it's going to take awhile before you can recognize it and feel safe again.

[ruby_woo]

Thanks you guys. I guess I'm going to have to start looking for a place to live, find movers, etc. Will need to take money out of my savings to pay for it, gah.

After hearing the news, everyone has been telling us Oh, maybe you just need a break for awhile. She's said herself she doesn't know if this is the right decision or not, but I can't really just wait around for someone to figure out if they want to be with me or not, that sucks.

This is legit the shittiest I have ever felt.

[Miss July]

Thanks you guys. I guess I'm going to have to start looking for a place to live, find movers, etc. Will need to take money out of my savings to pay for it, gah.

After hearing the news, everyone has been telling us Oh, maybe you just need a break for awhile. She's said herself she doesn't know if this is the right decision or not, but I can't really just wait around for someone to figure out if they want to be with me or not, that sucks.

This is legit the shittiest I have ever felt.

((((((((((((((((((ruby))))))))))))))))))))))
This is a really hard time for you.......but you are absolutely correct..........you shouldn't be hanging out & waiting to see if some one wants to be with you. You need to tell yourself you deserve better, some one who knows exactly how they feel about you.

I have a shoulder if you need one to cry on or lean on.

[starryeyes]

I have been going through a nasty break up too over the past month or so. It is so hard. I know I love her, but feelings change for a variety of reasons. It's amazing how in an instant, something so amazing is crushed.

What I have learned is to let the universe, a higher power or whatever lead. When I broke up with my first love, I swore I was *never* going to recover. Now, i hardley think of her.

Everything happens for a reason and yea, it's f***ing miserable but time heals pain and there is someone that is better suited to my needs.

Also, I have learned that dogs are a blessing in a time of loneliness **snuggles**

Good luck sister!!
Starry

[~ocean]

(((( starry ))))) my animals hold allmy secrets :) I;d like to add .. that there is no right way to break up .. to all who r condisering a break up .. just treat eachother w. empathy and dont disgrace the person who will be left hurting. someone is always left hurting.

[SweetJane]

Starry,
I'm so sorry this has happened! Big hugs, sister!
SweetJane

[ruby_woo]

I'm so thankful I have the Planet right now and you guys are letting me bitch to you, lol.

I just made an appointment with my bank for tomorrow to get some money out of my RSP. Hope to use that money for a deposit on an apartment, maybe I can get something for February 1 so we don't drag this out any longer. Suuuuuucks.

[girl_dee]

Glad you are taking care of you and your heart.

Hugs.

[Vlasta]

I'm so thankful I have the Planet right now and you guys are letting me bitch to you, lol.

I just made an appointment with my bank for tomorrow to get some money out of my RSP. Hope to use that money for a deposit on an apartment, maybe I can get something for February 1 so we don't drag this out any longer. Suuuuuucks.

Ruby , I am so sorry what are you going through right now . I feel the same way just a different situation . It's my way to bitch and complain and I am sure people are tired to read my posts , but this is my only way to let it out and to be private to certain point . I can imagine how hard it's for you , been there too .
Stay strong and keep bitching as much you want to . I will gladly read your post and send you a little messages through via rep . I was always concerned what people say about me and tried to keep everything off of board , but no longer . If there are people with a perfect life , I am happy for them .
My life has been everything , but not perfect . Money or what do you own it's not so imported when your personal life it's in pieces .
I am wishing you the best way to get through this difficult time

[ruby_woo]

Ruby , I am so sorry what are you going through right now . I feel the same way just a different situation . It's my way to bitch and complain and I am sure people are tired to read my posts , but this is my only way to let it out and to be private to certain point . I can imagine how hard it's for you , been there too .
Stay strong and keep bitching as much you want to . I will gladly read your post and send you a little messages through via rep . I was always concerned what people say about me and tried to keep everything off of board , but no longer . If there are people with a perfect life , I am happy for them .
My life has been everything , but not perfect . Money or what do you own it's not so imported when your personal life it's in pieces .
I am wishing you the best way to get through this difficult time

Thanks Vlasta. I've been reading about you're going through and can't believe it.

I feel the same way, I'm sure folks are going to get sick of watching me cry all over the place, but it's not like I can do it at work or something. I'm sure I look needy and crazy. I feel a little needy and crazy, but my head is too far up my own butt right now to care. If they can't remember having their first real love end, then forget them.

In real life, I'm perfectly normal and funny, I swear, haha.

[Vlasta]

Thanks Vlasta. I've been reading about you're going through and can't believe it.

I feel the same way, I'm sure folks are going to get sick of watching me cry all over the place, but it's not like I can do it at work or something. I'm sure I look needy and crazy. I feel a little needy and crazy, but my head is too far up my own butt right now to care. If they can't remember having their first real love end, then forget them.

In real life, I'm perfectly normal and funny, I swear, haha.Hun , I know people are sick of me as well , but this it's a only place we can went . I definitely don't want to put this on FB where I have 1600 + friends in different countries . They wouldn't even understand and to be honest , I am tired to explain things , because they are thinking this it's impossible and I am not being honest .
I believe you , that you are perfectly normal and funny . However , right now my funny side is not working too well . We will get through this one way or other . Keep posting , to me is cathartic just to type up on the website and I don't even expect replies . What is there to say ? and kind people already told me I am sorry what are you going through .
the same thing it's there for you . As I said keep posting the way how you feel , I don't know you as majority people here , but your post was hearth wrenching to me and I replied . I will support you as much I can from far away .
The answer it's the time and you need to heal and get things out of your system which is perfectly understanding .

sending you cyber hugs and if you would like to PM me , please feel to do so .
much love to you

[SoNotHer]

Ruby, I am so sorry you're going through this, but you've set some good things in motion, and that's what matters. Keep taking positive steps and allow yourself to grieve. Many of us have found ourselves sitting in a parked car unable to turn the key to start the car or otherwise immobilized by the loss of something and someone we loved.

Things will continue to get better. I promise. SNH


I'm so thankful I have the Planet right now and you guys are letting me bitch to you, lol.

I just made an appointment with my bank for tomorrow to get some money out of my RSP. Hope to use that money for a deposit on an apartment, maybe I can get something for February 1 so we don't drag this out any longer. Suuuuuucks.

[Dominique]

SNIPPED Many of us have found ourselves sitting in a parked car unable to turn the key to start the car or otherwise immobilized by the loss of something and someone we loved.

Things will continue to get better. I promise. SNH

I'm not making light of your situation. Reading what SNH wrote, brought a shitty grin to my face, as she is right. I recall a time in my life when I thought there was NO WAY I could go on...and I did sit totally numbed
out, I bet I was gasping for air too.:| We are stronger than we know.
I look back at that now, thankful that I learned alot but even more thankful that I got the hell away from that person. Our lives are in two completely different hemispheres. (not making a geographical reference)
Feel every thing you need to feel so you never have to come backwards.
Have some of the PLANETS' great koolaid too!:koolaid:

[Sachita]

I believe that leaving a relationship can be a long drawn out, difficult, and sad process. It is often times very painful and can bring about a great deal of grief for the person leaving as well. Yes it can also be a relief, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. No matter which side of the coin you're on it's a loss, and loss is never easy. Just my opinion.




oh yeah. It took me a few years. I cried a lot. I still get a tinge of pain when I think about the life we should of had and the time we invested. Grieving sums it up perfectly

[Ginger]

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

Yes, sometimes there is grieving—and it can follow the Kubler-Ross model: Denial, Bargaining, Acceptance, I forget what the five stages are but you probably know them and my gf is yelling from across the room (I asked what they are), that they have been repudiated. Oh well, LOL

Sometimes I think there is also a feeling of liberation. And the healthy impulse to celebrate.

And sometimes it's both, a kind of rollercoaster: I'm free! I'm alone! I'm free! I miss her. I'm free! etc.

[Morgan]

I am finally able to share my grief, it took me along time to come to grips with my feelings. I lost my job and my relationship at the same time, so it was a double whammy....I traveled all over the US, hopping from one place to the next, trying to stuff my grief. I burned a lot of bridges along the way and I am so sorry for that, it was not fair...I do not blame anyone for being angry and hurt by my lack of empathy. I also made some good friends along the way and I will always cherish their love and support on my journey. Love and breaking up, makes us do some crazy shit...as time goes on I can finally see my grief and yes it is process. I am not sure about the process as I am not a grief counselor, but I have had a chance to process my feeling and come to terms with the fact my relationship is over. I am starting a new life and have found someone special I can share with and hopefully a new life....a new journey and a new beginning.

[~ocean]

I cant help but wonder if we learn from our mistakes.... or r we prone to just repeat them.. Head the warnings signs in yourself .. noone can complete you.. noone can make ur life . we r all soo responsiable for ourselves, u can't share what is broken.
Love and hugs (((((( everyone))))) to anyone whos tears have not , yet dried up ..

[SleepyButch]

I think that sometimes you do not see the warning signs until it is already over. Blinded.. maybe. Don't want to see them.. maybe... Stupid.. perhaps... should have been over long time ago.. who knows..

We are all human and of course we grieve any relationship, just some to different extremes. Like when I had to put my dog to sleep, three years ago now.. I still grieve over that at times. Past gfs.. not as long as that lol. :seeingstars:

I think this community definitely comes together when someone is in need and the support is definitely helpful when getting through those grieving stages.

[~ocean]

my opinion is there is no right way to break up .. always hurt .. just be fair to one another .. and heal b4 u take on another relationship ..

[DMW]

OUCH

ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

[Oiler41]

my opinion is there is no right way to break up .. always hurt .. just be fair to one another .. and heal b4 u take on another relationship ..

I agree with this; there is no right or really even a good way to break up; but long after the grief has subsided, you will be left with one question: Did I do what was RIGHT during the breakup? Be fair and do what is right, and it doesn't take a lot of soul searching to know what is right, even in the midst of grief and perhaps anger. Eventually, once the hurt/anger is past (sometimes longer periods of time than others) a friendship might be able to be had. But if you are unfair and just downright wrong in your breakup dealings, you can probably count on the other party never wanting to have anything to do with you again.

Glynn

[Apocalipstic]

I agree with this; there is no right or really even a good way to break up; but long after the grief has subsided, you will be left with one question: Did I do what was RIGHT during the breakup? Be fair and do what is right, and it doesn't take a lot of soul searching to know what is right, even in the midst of grief and perhaps anger. Eventually, once the hurt/anger is past (sometimes longer periods of time than others) a friendship might be able to be had. But if you are unfair and just downright wrong in your breakup dealings, you can probably count on the other party never wanting to have anything to do with you again.

Glynn


Great and important post.

We do need to do what is right, we can't expect straight people to honor our relationships if we end ours by chopping up sofas and catching them on fire.

Seriously. Be decent. Do the things you agreed you would. Fulfill your obligations, work to avoid related fall out drama.

[Tuff Stuff]

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

I agree.There's a lot of tears, I hate that. I can't handle emotional stuff like that. I told my wife give me 5 years (by myself) this means a break up. In 5 years I'll return (if I'm still alive that is) and we can take where we left off. She's free to do whatever she pleases. She has plenty of family to keep her company. I just need to follow this calling.

To our freedom...
:toast:

[Chad]

I have been thinking about this for a while now. I am very independent and confident and I am walking a deliberate path in my life. My thought has always been if a nice femme wants to join me on my path then I would welcome her company but if she wants to take her own path then I am good with that too. My path does not change with or without a femme.

I am blindsided when a femme breaks up with me and throws me under the bus. The yuckiness occurs when they choose to yell at me and call me names.

I can count on one hand the number of times that I said something ugly to an ex. I try not to go there not for them but for me.

My point, if someone is not happy in a relationship just say that and move on.

I met with a femme recently that went through a nasty breakup. I was so impressed with her respect and honesty about their breakup. She showed real respect for that relationship.

[homoe]

so sorry this is happening to you..it's like losing a part of you and the immensity of that...no one can truly understand..unless you've been through it..I suggest don't prolong the pain get out as soon as you can..stuff (be damned) every piece will only serve to remind you what you've lost ..so everything you decide to keep, will remind you everytime you see or use it..do you really need that? my advise (in this situation) sell everything you can, give the rest away, and travel light (out of this toxic situation)..there is life after this but it's going to take awhile before you can recognize it and feel safe again.

I agree about "stuff"! I've seen friends go thru breakups where they are fighting about "who gets what" or "what was who's" etc etc.. .. to me that is totally craziness! It's only stuff and it can be replaced quickly and easily!

Personally for me, getting back out there, well that took a lot longer!

[homoe]

I agree about "stuff"! I've seen friends go thru breakups where they are fighting about "who gets what" or "what was who's" etc etc.. .. to me that is totally craziness! It's only stuff and it can be replaced quickly and easily!

Personally for me, getting back out there, well that took a lot longer!

I can't help it but when I see couples fighting over "stuff" I ALWAYS think about the scene with the wagon wheel coffee table in When Harry Met Sally!

[Chad]

I can't help it but when I see couples fighting over "stuff" I ALWAYS think about the scene with the wagon wheel coffee table in When Harry Met Sally!

My two cents, If it is not inherited or irreplaceable then it does not matter. Let go and move on.

[homoe]

My two cents, If it is not inherited or irreplaceable then it does not matter. Let go and move on.



...:goodpost:...

[Stone-Butch]

I agree and disagree. When I left my 22 yr relationship I had 3 beautiful animals , two dogs and a cat. All loved very much. I signed our house over to my wife as well as the trailer. I took what was on my back and the rec room furniture. Bed from the guest room , and dressers. So I signed over a three bedroom house, three beautiful animals (did not want to break them up or have them in an apt.). I now have a one bedroom apt. I have no animals and most of all I am not with my loving woman. All gone with the few strokes of a pen. WHY? Cause she was wonderful and deserving so I walked away. I cant get any of these back so yes it was the thing to do but my whole life has changed so it is good to do but it is heartbreaking. End of story.

[cathexis]

My two cents, If it is not inherited or irreplaceable then it does not matter. Let go and move on.

What advice have you for situations where one has lost all inheritance and irreplaceable 18th-19th large antique collection as well as all family items incl. photographs and artwork in addition to all my art deco bedroom set, clothing, and maybe (not sure) worse, my home. Mourning daily.

20 years later, I am still reeling from the loss. Psychiatric care, counseling, anti-depressants, and anxiolytics provide no relief from the emotional pain.

I am a physical masochist and can take quite a bit of pain, but this emotional pain has me licked. The tunnel is only black, no steam valves, no relief and no light at the end. I have no pain killers, don't drink, no drugs. The only thread is my Partner who doesn't deal well with emotional issues. Don't get me wrong, She does protect and provide well. I feel physically safe in Her care, but I haven't left the apartment for a year except for doctors appointments. I wake up, watch TV, online is my only contact with the world outside. The world is closing in on me.

[Chad]

What advice have you for situations where one has lost all inheritance and irreplaceable 18th-19th large antique collection as well as all family items incl. photographs and artwork in addition to all my art deco bedroom set, clothing, and maybe (not sure) worse, my home. Mourning daily.

20 years later, I am still reeling from the loss. Psychiatric care, counseling, anti-depressants, and anxiolytics provide no relief from the emotional pain.

I am a physical masochist and can take quite a bit of pain, but this emotional pain has me licked. The tunnel is only black, no steam valves, no relief and no light at the end. I have no pain killers, don't drink, no drugs. The only thread is my Partner who doesn't deal well with emotional issues. Don't get me wrong, She does protect and provide well. I feel physically safe in Her care, but I haven't left the apartment for a year except for doctors appointments. I wake up, watch TV, online is my only contact with the world outside. The world is closing in on me.

I am sorry that you have suffered and that you are still suffering. I hope that your situation improves.

I don't have any personal experience or professional experience in this area. Keep fighting for a better life and reach out to those that can help you.

[Vincent]

What advice have you for situations where one has lost all inheritance and irreplaceable 18th-19th large antique collection as well as all family items incl. photographs and artwork in addition to all my art deco bedroom set, clothing, and maybe (not sure) worse, my home. Mourning daily.

20 years later, I am still reeling from the loss. Psychiatric care, counseling, anti-depressants, and anxiolytics provide no relief from the emotional pain.

I am a physical masochist and can take quite a bit of pain, but this emotional pain has me licked. The tunnel is only black, no steam valves, no relief and no light at the end. I have no pain killers, don't drink, no drugs. The only thread is my Partner who doesn't deal well with emotional issues. Don't get me wrong, She does protect and provide well. I feel physically safe in Her care, but I haven't left the apartment for a year except for doctors appointments. I wake up, watch TV, online is my only contact with the world outside. The world is closing in on me.

For me I have no family contact,and have accepted I will get zero,of the money my Dad left me 30 yrs ago.
I do have my father in my heart.I try not dwell on the past,"sometimes not easy at all"but I keep practicing.I have found happiness,in my music,taking Scout to the beach,my garden,going to the gym,even though it's 3 am to avoid people.
I find it funny,once my life was full of people,but now most people annoy me and talk nonsense anyway.
I wish I could help,but at least I can listen and hear you,some of us are sensitive,that capitalisim has driven us to self contained.Take care

[homoe]

My two cents, If it is not inherited or irreplaceable then it does not matter. Let go and move on.


Exactly Chad....stuff can be replaced but finding a person, well that's a bit more trickier!

[Chad]

Exactly Chad....stuff can be replaced but finding a person, well that's a bit more trickier!

Oh my goodness how I want out of this thread. Luckily all my stuff is inherited. I wish folks would stop stealing from me. If I had all the money femmes stole from me I could pay off my medical bills.
I am sure they smile knowing they took me for a fool.

They are wrong Chad is no fool. They ruined their reputation and may have a legal problem.

[~ocean]

PEOPLE steal and premeditate their actions in a relationship or rather their next stop. butches, femmes etc. it happened that's all you can do. I always felt their should be a thread at a site so others can put up warnings about that person. ohhhh like the NAUGHTY LIST , just not the good kind of naughty lol