Second Chances?

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are on second chances... what is forgiveable, what isn't, etc.? Are space and time really as important as everyone says?


I'm going through a very rough time right now; I don't want to pour out the details and upset everyone, but let's just say falling in love with someone, has proved not to be as scary as potentially losing them... </3

[Gráinne]

I've learned through many years on the planet that fear of losing someone else's "love" is never so great as the fear of losing myself in the wrong relationship.

I'm just mean and tough in my old(er) age. I set the bar high; miss it, and I'm out of there. Life's just too short.

ETA: That said, if it's your partner asking for time and space, all you can do is give it.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I'm trying very hard to give her time and space. I know that I made a mistake, but I also know that we both love each other very much, and she jumped on the idea of us being friends because she was crying and torn between ending it and giving it another chance. Friendship is a safe landing ground for her to breathe, yeah? :blink:

[Chazz]

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are on second chances... what is forgiveable, what isn't, etc.? Are space and time really as important as everyone says?

I'm going through a very rough time right now; I don't want to pour out the details and upset everyone, but let's just say falling in love with someone, has proved not to be as scary as potentially losing them... </3

Proximitywithoutintimacy, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time.

I'm going through a situation now, myself. Here's where I am with it.

Though we speak in terms of "second chances", they are after all, a form of forgiveness and let's begin again.

For me, second chances depend on both parties really knowing the nature of the wrong(s) done, and making a genuine commitment to never do them again. Even then, it must be understood that a period of healing and trust rebuilding is to be expected and respected.

Both parties have to fully face the damage done to one another and the relationship - not simply want things to snap back into place as if they had never happened.

Also, second chances should not be an excuse to switch an unhealthy power and control dynamic from one person to another.

It's been my experience that this is a lot to hope for. Trust once broken is hard to repair. It can cause a permanent shift in someone's feeling towards another.

Infidelity is often seen to be the deal breaker. It's my experience that infidelity is usually the fete de compli. The culmination of many less obvious betrayals. What about them? Is it ever possible to identify or agree on all of them? Are both parties honest enough, mature enough, well enough to take on that depth of work?

In reality, were things ever that terrific that so much time and energy should be put into healing and repairing a damaged relationship? Are one or both parties yearning for the impossible - a return to a honeymoon phase? Is codependency keeping two people together because they don't want to face their personal demons and get on with their lives?

I don't mean to be a party pooper, but I think these are important questions to ask oneself when considering a "second chance". For me, the answer was "NO".

[The_Lady_Snow]

There are no second chances in Snow's World, I hope you can come to a decision that is healthy for you Prox!! Good luck!!!

[Corkey]

Losing the person is preferable to loosing ones self. Do what is right for you, we can't tell you what that is.

[LaneyDoll]

Infidelity is often seen to be the deal breaker. It's my experience that infidelity is usually the fete de compli. The culmination of many less obvious betrayals. What about them? Is it ever possible to identify or agree on all of them? Are both parties honest enough, mature enough, well enough to take on that depth of work?

I agree! I once forgave a cheater, and guess what??? They cheated again, and probably more than once. I will forgive a lot of things, but at this point, infidelity is not one of them.

@proximitywithoutintimacy, if they truly need time and space then it may be the trick. Use that time to focus on you and get yourself back into a better headspace. The main thing you need to do is to make a choice that suits you and your situation. What works for me, or anyone else here, may not necessarily work for you.

Best of luck to you!

:sparklyheart:

[Apocalipstic]

What kind of mistake was it?

[lillith]

As Chazz has pointed out, there are a lot of things to consider. I find that I can forgive, but I cannot forget. And, no time does not heal all wounds, just allows you the distance to see things without the fear of being exposed. Second chances are rarely ever what they seem. Most people give up half way through, and that is that.

Looking back on my life, there are maybe two people I would consider saying, "Hey, how about we try that again." Honestly, though, that possibility will never become a reality because neither of us want it. I agree with others, it is best that you figure out what is sane and healthy for you. Good luck, Prox.

[pajama]

As many have said, if she's asking for time and space, then give it. And give it honestly, don't check in every other day to see if it's been "long" enough. LOL

It all depends on the transgression and, of course, the people. But I've know it to not work, and I've known it to work. I had to step away from a person for almost two years. Give her space. Work back into her graces slowly. Finally after two years we were able to see where it goes again. And I am in a much better place to move it forward, and I think the relationship is in a much better place, with much clearer disclosure.

So give her the time/space she needs. Take that time to look at yourself, like why you did whatever it was that you did. What You want from this or any relationship. etc etc etc

It will get better in time. Hang in there.

A

[Heart]

Time and space is not really yours to give or to withhold. Your focus should be on you - your needs, feelings, and boundaries.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Replies... very... nice, thank you.

Ah, basically, I did a complete 180 - my last girlfriend was an abusive alcoholic, and this woman is so completely the opposite. She's absolutely amazing, and what did I do? Well, I pushed her away, time and time again. Thing is, I didn't exactly realise what I was doing until it was too late.

Isn't that how it always works, though?

Anyway, after many, many tears and "I love yous" we have mutually decided to be friends, and she is still planning on flying down here next week to see me - no promises, no expectations.

I'm just hoping that by showing her that I really do love her, and I never intentionally tried to hurt her, and that I'm going to be seeing someone to try and work out my issues with pushing away great people and trying to hold onto abusive people, maybe we can slowly work things out.

Again, thank you.

[LaneyDoll]

OK, I have got a good feeling about this. The fact that you plan to see someone about your relationship habits (I don't care for the word issue here) speaks volumes about your dedication to making things work. At worst, you may end up learning the signs that you are starting to push and at best, you will end up with a really great friend who is able to call you out on potentially self-destructive relationship behavior. And, who knows, in the end, you may even get the girl. ;)

I truly wish you all of the best and will send good luck energy your way, that is, if you want it.

:sparklyheart:

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Thanks :)

I really love this girl, and I just want her to know that I'm still me, I'm still the person she started falling in love with - I just have some emotional relationship habits that I am more than willing to work on and ultimately change. She is potentially the most wonderful person I've ever known, and after mapping out my destructive behaviours, I've realised that she has done nothing but try to make our relationship work - and all I've done is, well, dig and dig until I find something to call her out on - when, really, everything I've gotten upset about has been so insignificant and unintentional. Trivial, really :(

I'm ashamed, but willing to talk about it in person, and see if we can repair this bad patch. :praying:

Does anyone else have thoughts on second chances? Or, hopefully, there's someone else out there who pushes good people away, too - something I can relate to, haha... <3

[MysticOceansFL]

Everyone deserves a second chance thats part of learning and growing and going forward that is if you both can work the "issues out."

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

It's not looking good, over here :(

I tried opening up to her, telling her how much I really do love her, and am working on myself... she said she is here to support me, but just as my friend, and that she feels like she had to change to become perfect for me.

Now, this is not the case, as I love her for exactly who she is - nothing more, nothing less. However, my fears and insecurities took over and led her to believe that she was never good enough for me :(

Funny thing is, everyone I talk to, seems to believe that if the feelings were in fact, genuine and honest, that time and space is going to help heal because we're both in very vulnerable states of mind. Talking to her may feel like running my head into a brick wall right now, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's suddenly over me - she's protecting herself?

Gah, I don't know. I just feel like we had something too beautiful to just throw away like this, and that what I did was awful - but not unforgiveable?

Sorry for the incessant rambling...

[MissPriss]

Depending on what happened, time and space may do the trick. Wait it out and if its right for both of you, it will return.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Thank you...

Not really sure where to go from here.

[Tommi]

Replies... very... nice, thank you.

Ah, basically, I did a complete 180 - my last girlfriend was an abusive alcoholic, and this woman is so completely the opposite. She's absolutely amazing, and what did I do? Well, I pushed her away, time and time again. Thing is, I didn't exactly realize what I was doing until it was too late.

Isn't that how it always works, though?

Anyway, after many, many tears and "I love yous" we have mutually decided to be friends, and she is still planning on flying down here next week to see me - no promises, no expectations.

I'm just hoping that by showing her that I really do love her, and I never intentionally tried to hurt her, and that I'm going to be seeing someone to try and work out my issues with pushing away great people and trying to hold onto abusive people, maybe we can slowly work things out.

Again, thank you.

Thank you...

Not really sure where to go from here.

IN my opine only***From my side of the wagon where the wheels fell off...I know, for me, I try to figure out where I go, when the lights go out..and why I push away, or go away. I highlighted in red above what jumped out at me.

Learning about, and healing and understanding myself first is a work in progress, everyday, and in every way. I have learned that there are certain triggers, certain emotions that send me over the edge, and make me shut down, disappear and withdraw, thus pushing my love away.

So, in My opine, work on me first, no matter how long, how far, and how deep I love and want, and pay the huge price by ....being alone with myself. :moonstars:

Best wishes from the wagontrail

[atomiczombie]

It all depends for me on if I think that person turned out to be someone entirely different from who I thought they were when I fell in love. If they have, then there are no second chances with me.

Misunderstandings and miscommunications are really tough. I have had people completely misread me and then reject me and never want to talk to me again. That hurt, but I always try to figure out what I might have done differently. Honestly, I never intend or try to hurt someone, and I NEVER cheat. Cheating is a deal-breaker with me, as is abuse (verbal or otherwise). I have had some romances end really badly for me, and it just makes me more cautious about committing to anyone. Look for the red flags, and you are less likely to get into a situation that won't turn out well. Above all, be HONEST!!

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Miscommunications are very difficult, indeed, especially when it comes to long-distance relationships (which is the case with us).

Second chances, when they do come, I need to realise won't be overnight decisions; she's not going to just come running back to me, and the brick wall she has put up is a way to protect herself from getting hurt again. I completely understand that and do not blame her in any way, shape, or form. She is perfectly justified in guarding herself against me. I hurt her, a lot, and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. That alone can really create an emotional catastrophy.

I've been advised to let her have her space, and avoid telling her how much I love and miss her, etc. However, I've also been advised to not disappear from her life completely, so she knows I'm still here, and I still care about her.

I just know that I need to work on myself; work out what went wrong, why I push good people away, why I feel the need to say things, and why I don't believe I deserve better. Etc.

Wow, I'm going on and on... I guess it's hard to see things for what they are when you're hurting so much. My heart may be screaming for her, and the crying is constant, but I also need to stop being so pessimistic and realise that even if she gives me a second chance... we both need some time first.

Thank you for allowing me to, ah, type? :blink:

I'd love it if others would share their experiences... :)

[Corkey]

I think when you start equating peoples opinions as advice, you need to step back and do what is right for you.
No one here can advise you, not even me. We have opinions, we however don't know you from Eve.
YOU are the one to be your own best counselor.
I would hope you take some time and do what is right for you.

Have fun and be yourself.

[LaneyDoll]

Miscommunications are very difficult, indeed, especially when it comes to long-distance relationships (which is the case with us).

Second chances, when they do come, I need to realise won't be overnight decisions; she's not going to just come running back to me, and the brick wall she has put up is a way to protect herself from getting hurt again. I completely understand that and do not blame her in any way, shape, or form. She is perfectly justified in guarding herself against me. I hurt her, a lot, and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. That alone can really create an emotional catastrophy.

I've been advised to let her have her space, and avoid telling her how much I love and miss her, etc. However, I've also been advised to not disappear from her life completely, so she knows I'm still here, and I still care about her.

I just know that I need to work on myself; work out what went wrong, why I push good people away, why I feel the need to say things, and why I don't believe I deserve better. Etc.

Wow, I'm going on and on... I guess it's hard to see things for what they are when you're hurting so much. My heart may be screaming for her, and the crying is constant, but I also need to stop being so pessimistic and realise that even if she gives me a second chance... we both need some time first.

Thank you for allowing me to, ah, type? :blink:

I'd love it if others would share their experiences... :)

Long-distance relationships are hard. I think the advice to give her a bit of space is good advice. Let her know you are there, and want to work thing out, but do not suffocate her.

And yes, work on yourself! We should all strive to better ourselves-be it in a relationship or out of one.

:sparklyheart:

[bigbutchmistie]

Reasons I would never give someone a second chance are :

Lying

Emotional And Physical Cheating

Illegal Actions


Without trust you have nothing. For me once it is broken I will never trust again.

That being said that is MY opinion. I have no right to judge you or offer you advice because I dont know you. All I can tell you is do what is right for you. If you love yourself it all will fall into place naturally :) Good luck to you...

[ruffryder]

I've done a few second chances. My take on it is if you both feel there should be another chance then do it. What you do not want is regret or a feeling someone could have done more or something different. It is up to the two individuals what they can forgive. To forget and move on is harder. Talk it over and decide if it's worth it to give it a second chance then put everything into it that way if it doesn't work out you can say you've given it your all and walk away from it with a sense of peace. I would say space and time could be important depending on what happened. Sometimes people need space and time to grow up, figure out priorities, and what is important in life. If you are scared and not sure you want to lose this person, yes give it another chance. Good luck!

[Chazz]

It's not looking good, over here :(

I tried opening up to her, telling her how much I really do love her, and am working on myself... she said she is here to support me, but just as my friend, and that she feels like she had to change to become perfect for me.

Now, this is not the case, as I love her for exactly who she is - nothing more, nothing less. However, my fears and insecurities took over and led her to believe that she was never good enough for me :(

Funny thing is, everyone I talk to, seems to believe that if the feelings were in fact, genuine and honest, that time and space is going to help heal because we're both in very vulnerable states of mind. Talking to her may feel like running my head into a brick wall right now, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's suddenly over me - she's protecting herself?

Gah, I don't know. I just feel like we had something too beautiful to just throw away like this, and that [B

Sorry for the incessant rambling...


If what you did was "was awful - but not unforgivable?", you owe her time to heal. You are obliged to accept the consequences of your behavior, and the final outcome of her decisions.

You are not entitled to impatience; you do not have the "right" to pressure her. Chances are the "awful" behavior was based in ego-centricism and impulsiveness. It won't do to replicate that behavior now.

Perhaps the best thing for you to be focusing on right now, is why you sabotaged the relationship in the first place. And, why you so totally discounted her feeling to do, what you did, in the first place.

After all, this situation was caused by your behavior, not hers. Seems like you're focusing on her reactions to your behavior more than your behavior, itself. That seems like a reversal of the order of things to me.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Okay. Thank you all for taking time to talk to me. I'm sorry for kinda treating this thread as an emotional journal of sorts. That was not my intention and I do know what I need to do. I appreciate you all sharing your thoughts. I think we can all agree that, well, relationships are hard. ;)

[ruffryder]

I hope you are okay. Things happen for a reason and it will all work out how it is supposed to. Have faith in that and believe it and you will be happy with whatever happens. (:

[Quintease]

Maybe this woman isn't the right one for you. Maybe she is merely the right one to force you to acknowledge your flaws, the ones which are holding you back from a healthy relationship?

She has stepped back now, perhaps for good. It may well be that the best thing you can do right now is to accept the friendship she is offering and expect nothing more. Some mistakes are not unforgivable, but they take more than an apology and good intentions to rectify.

Good luck on your journey x

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I let her go; if she is no longer happy with me, then I wish her happiness in all her endeavors. First time I've ever let someone go - kind of proud of myself, because all the other times I've been selfish. This girl sure changed my life in many ways.

If she comes back into my life, it'll be because she was supposed to. If not, life will go on for both of us :)

It's been nearly three months since we've spoken, and although I still love her, I am moving on and focusing on myself :)

Second chances, if and when they do happen, come to those who know they're worth the wait, not those who cry, plead, beg and scream and render themselves a wreck ;)

xoxo.