Adult Children Moving Home

[jelli]

Anyone have adult children(with or without families of their own) asking to move home? If so, how did you respond? What rules did you put in place? What did you learn? What suggestions would you give to someone else in your place?

[jelli]

The end of May our son, G(19yrs old), and his "supposedly" pregnant and recently married(17 yr old) other half moved in with us. They are supposed to stay just long enough to get some money saved and get into a place of their own.

I had her go for a pregnancy confirmation and guess what? Negative. Son is bothered by it, but states he still loves her and wants to be with her. :4femme:

All I asked was for her to be taking her birth control, her Seroquel, and get some counseling. Our son has become somewhat passive aggressive with her in order to "keep the piece".

Well, I don't want to raise his wife. So periodically we have to have a "come to jesus" meeting.

Yes, drama.

[Blade]

The end of May our son, G(19yrs old), and his "supposedly" pregnant and recently married(17 yr old) other half moved in with us. They are supposed to stay just long enough to get some money saved and get into a place of their own.

I had her go for a pregnancy confirmation and guess what? Negative. Son is bothered by it, but states he still loves her and wants to be with her. :4femme:

All I asked was for her to be taking her birth control, her Seroquel, and get some counseling. Our son has become somewhat passive aggressive with her in order to "keep the piece".

Well, I don't want to raise his wife. So periodically we have to have a "come to jesus" meeting.Yes, drama.


Jelli I think it is hard anytime you have a family member move in with you, not just an adult child. However yes my son came back home for a short period when he was 24. I told him the rules were still the same as always. He stayed about 2 months and got a job and moved out. I've always been a strict parent and they know I mean business and I command their respect.

[jelli]

Our son, Garrett(19), married *J* just over 2 months ago, in Michigan, because she claimed she was pregnant. He did/does care about her, but stated he did not want kids nor would he have gotten married. He was trying to do the right thing he claimed.

Once married they relocated here with us. this was for Garrett to get a good job, save, and get a place of their own. Since they've moved here this girl has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster. She supposedly is bipolar or BPD. Totally disruptive, but then can go to miss sweet and innocent butt kisser in the blink of an eye.

Regardless of the amount of assistance and resources you give her she fails to do anything with them unless you call her out. Then she will temporarily appear to be getting her poop in a group, usually long enough for you to be distracted/forget, and then the cycle repeats. we have had so many conversations, family meetings, etc. it goes nowhere, but in a circle.

Lies, blame, snarky, temper tantrums, not saving a dime, trying to get info on Garrett's accounts(his company called him to verify), truly seems like she is 5. Their accounts are separate because he believes she stole a coin that he had and gave to her addict family.

Garrett knows she had lied on more than one occasion about circumstances, but the pregnancy and emotional side put it over the top. He called MI and they stated he would have to discuss with an attorney to even find out if he qualified for an annulment or if he would have to get an attorney for a divorce. Spoke to a local attorney and she mentioned about SC being a no contest state and that they would have to live apart one year before he'd ever see a courtroom.

He wants to send her back to Michigan relatively soon. Soon as in by Sunday.

He plans to do this in a way that there may potential for her to step up and take responsibility for herself and her actions. The ball would be in her court to do the things such as counseling, meds, birth control, school, etc to see if she is actually serious and committed. They can get together periodically to check progress. If not, then they're still been living apart like they would need for a divorce.

I explained you can do whatever you want your relationship/marriage, but you can't do it here because I do not choose to live with her anymore.

I feel bad for him. All he was trying to do was 'the right thing' since she was 'supposedly pregnant'.

[Peach]

Since there is no baby on the way (if I read it right) then ask them to move out. Make sure your son is taking responsibility for birth control, she does not seem capable, and might keep trying to get pregnant to tie him to her still. He should have insisted she pee on the stick and prove the pregnancy before marrying her, but....water under the bridge now. Make sure he keeps his eyes open to her!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Speaking of preggo tests..

Today I learned that you can buy +preggo tests on craigslist..........:|

:|<-- my why am I not cross posting face...

[Breathless]

!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of preggo tests..

Today I learned that you can buy +preggo tests on craigslist..........

<-- my why am I not cross posting face...

that is ewwwwww super gross, and wrong on sooo many levels!!

[Peach]

I heard this on the news yesterday. i have to say, if I were a guy, who needed proof of pregnancy, knowing this, I would insist on seeing the pee on the stick actually happen. What people won't do these day eh?



Speaking of preggo tests..

Today I learned that you can buy +preggo tests on craigslist..........:|

:|<-- my why am I not cross posting face...

[Amber2010]

I am not sure if this counts but I have three kids two older girls and one son. Well the son is getting ready to turn 25 and is still living at home. Yes he was in college and does pay his own bills but it can't be healthy to live at home.
I do understand the way things are out there and how hard it is to take care of yourself. If it was better I would have been gone long ago. pfft
I just wonder how kids now a day can call themselves adults and still live at home and have the parent or parents take care of the?

[Peach]

do you charge this man, and he is a man, not a child, rent? Does he pay his own bills, groceries, all that? if not, present him with a bill, and an eviction notice, let him choose, pay, or go.

[DapperButch]

I just wonder how kids now a day can call themselves adults and still live at home and have the parent or parents take care of the?

A hell of a lot of kids. In my experience, it is many more boys than girls who do this.

That wasn't an option for us. When TF's son decided to decisively throw away a (pretty much free) 4 year college education after his freshman year, he expected that he would just live at home and continue to work his part-time job and "take a year off in order to figure out what he wanted to do".

This was a no go. Instead, this is what you will be doing, dear boy:

1)You need to get full time hours at current job/a full time job/part-time jobs equaling full time hours within 3 months.
2)You need to pay ____ amount of rent when you get a full time job and until then, you need to pay ____ amount (percentage of income).
3)After getting the full time job we will talk about setting aside so much from your pay check per month and then we will determine how many more months you will live here.
4) You will then move out.
5)If you do not get the full time hours at current job/get full time job in 3 months, you are on the street.

He decided to join the military instead of working full time. Works for us!

Kid heads to boot camp on 9/9/13!

I'm pretty confident that after he gets done with the Army in 4 years he will be mature enough to want to not live with his parents.

[Martina]

Rent in the South Bay, where I live, has gone up over 9% in less than a year. It went up the year before. We live in the fifth most expensive city in the U.S. $1700-$1800 is at the bottom of the market for a one-bedroom.

Many students and young workers simply cannot afford to move out. A lot of young people literally have no place else to go than to stay with their parents whether they work full time or not. It is simply not possible to live on what many young workers make in this area.

As a teacher, I am almost priced out of the market. I make a lot of money because I have three Master's degrees. But I am near the bottom of the housing market here.

It's a big big deal and getting to the point that it is affecting the very corporations who have helped create the problem. Good workers, who are not their high paid superstars, are turning down companies' job offers because they don't want to pay what it costs to live here -- especially for what you get (It's NOT San Francisco in terms of culture -- so not -- and it's not a drop dead gorgeous place to live -- endless strip malls).

Working class and middle class young people are screwed if they want to stay here. Their paycheck is a joke in the face of the housing market.

They can buy food and keep a car, but they cannot house themselves. Some college students and young working people live in apartments with five and six people in them, but most people don't want to live like that, and landlords don't want tenants like that.

Point is that it's not that shameful for young folks to live at home here. Where else are they gonna live? I would not send my kid to live in the hood, and, hell, it's not that cheap there.

[cricket26]

I am so happy to see this thread...I have been dealing with this issue for several years...my partner and I have been together about 7 years...in 2006 I helped her get custody of her son..her daughter was already living with her...and I moved in...my children lived with their father...so it was me, my wife, her two kids full custody...my kids visited holidays...in 2008 her daughter went off to college and we had full time custody of her son...my daughter also got married in 2008...in 2009 my son graduated HS and went away to school to Arlington about an hour away....in 2010 her daughter moved back in with us...we had just bought a home...she said she needed money for a car and was going to take a year off from school to buy a car...her son lived with us full time, my son was in college, and my daughter was married...in 2011 her son graduated HS and went away to college in denton about an hour away...and her daughter moved out to go to school online...and work...

now it is 2013, her daughter is living with us full time while she student teaches, her son is here weekends, my son is in graduate school, and my daughter is separated from her husband...my children have never lived under the same roof with me after I divorced their dad...part of this is because the lifestyle I chose, part of it was logistics....but...we have always had at least one of my partner's children living with us...am I wrong to resent this...am I bad person...this is causing a huge strain on my relationship...any advice would be helpful :)

[DapperButch]

cricket,

It sounds like a lot. It would be hard for me, but everyone is different. For me, the determining factor would be if the child:

a) had to live with us due to environmental factors such as Martina described or disability

b) The child was there for a specific purpose/time frame and was following through. For example, if he/she is saving for a house and actually saving the amount discussed per month for said house, it wouldn't be a problem.

It is when an adult child is choosing to not work/function as an adult, than I have problems. Giving our kids a leg up is great, enabling them to stay on crutches, is not.

ETA: In terms of advice, the obvious...talk to your partner about how you feel.

[Ginger]

I sort of wish I'd had a kid when I was young. I wouldn't mind living with her or him now. (shrug) I mean assuming they weren't dependent on me, but rather, it was a truly shared household. I don't see the harm in that.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I sort of wish I'd had a kid when I was young. I wouldn't mind living with her or him now. (shrug) I mean assuming they weren't dependent on me, but rather, it was a truly shared household. I don't see the harm in that.

This!

I loved living with my Mom and my family later in her life, and i enjoy living with my soon to be 20 year old now. Many cultures revere family life, and many generations live together.

Yes i want my child to be strong and independant when it is the right time, but i am going to enjoy every minute i have before she goes.

[Kelt]

This!

I loved living with my Mom and my family later in her life, and i enjoy living with my soon to be 20 year old now. Many cultures revere family life, and many generations live together.

Yes i want my child to be strong and independant when it is the right time, but i am going to enjoy every minute i have before she goes.

I think this raises an interesting point. The conversation thus far has focused on traditional American thinking of the last hundred years or so. Other countries and cultures view this subject very differently.

I live in a very culturally diverse town. People from all over the world. Particularly when it comes to Asian and Middle Eastern countries. Next-door to me is a family originally from the Philippines who have lived in their home for 30 years and there are three generations there, it is because they want it that way. Another family bought a house across the street about a year ago, it is a multi generational Chinese family. Two months ago house three doors down just changed hands, it is a four generation family from Iran. All of these families are doing it by choice, as their culture dictates, and additionally they're able to pool their resources.

I believe this is very different than what we have been discussing so far. I am not advocating for slacker kids looking for a free ride and the people I'm describing are not at all like that. Everybody works, and hard, at whatever the role is in the household.

I think sometimes it is a good idea to step back and remember that the United States is not the world, and that the way our economy and the world's economies are shifting may force us to change some of our current living situations. What we have here, with one person per apartment and one generation family homes, is a first world choice.

Not trying to derail the thread, I just wanted to toss another perspective in there.

[Gráinne]

I think this raises an interesting point. The conversation thus far has focused on traditional American thinking of the last hundred years or so. Other countries and cultures view this subject very differently.

I live in a very culturally diverse town. People from all over the world. Particularly when it comes to Asian and Middle Eastern countries. Next-door to me is a family originally from the Philippines who have lived in their home for 30 years and there are three generations there, it is because they want it that way. Another family bought a house across the street about a year ago, it is a multi generational Chinese family. Two months ago house three doors down just changed hands, it is a four generation family from Iran. All of these families are doing it by choice, as their culture dictates, and additionally they're able to pool their resources.

I believe this is very different than what we have been discussing so far. I am not advocating for slacker kids looking for a free ride and the people I'm describing are not at all like that. Everybody works, and hard, at whatever the role is in the household.

I think sometimes it is a good idea to step back and remember that the United States is not the world, and that the way our economy and the world's economies are shifting may force us to change some of our current living situations. What we have here, with one person per apartment and one generation family homes, is a first world choice.

Not trying to derail the thread, I just wanted to toss another perspective in there.

Yes! I live next door to a Chinese family (immigrants): a young couple in their 20's, their 1.5 year old son, and (probably) the husband's parents. Now and then, other relatives seem to live with them for awhile. This was the same pattern I found in China itself, in much smaller apartments as well.

My students and I got into a discussion about this topic, in fact, and they were amazed that the "goal" for most American teenagers is to grow up and move out into their own place. Not many American women really want to live with their mothers-in-law; it was just the "done" thing there, whether you liked your MIL or not. From there, we got into topics such as treatment of the elderly and family migration to other cities. There's all kinds of factors.

Strangely enough, as far as I know, the problem of the slacker adult child living perennially in the basement doesn't exist. Everyone pitches in. Next door, the grandparents watch the baby several days a week while the young couple work.

[DapperButch]

Yes, I actually wrote about (but then deleted) multi generational/ inter-generational households. I decided it was a different topic and didn't want to muddy the waters! Funny it was brought up by someone else!

[PoeticSilence]

I suppose I feel more like the Europeans do about family. I would have all of my children at home with me. I don't care if they pay rent. I don't care if they eat what's in the cabinets or do their laundry in the basement. All that really matters to me is to have them close and to share my life with them. I don't come from the kind of family that lives long, and extended family is something I never really had. I would never say go to a Laundromat, or do my laundry since you are down there, or anything like that. I would never turn my children out, because why have them spend the coins on rent somewhere else, when there's space here. How could I not make space for my own child? Even the child I share with my exgf? Or my wife's children. I never expect them to need a place to stay when they can come home. My children all do their own laundry, and choose to. They all pretty much buy their own food. The happiest days of my life would be when all the kids are around the dinner table and the meal is steaming in the center of the table.

I realize I'm not the norm in that ideology, but I've already lost so much time with most of my children, why would I waste anymore? I think it takes a special person to be able to love and accept your children for who they turned out to be and to be willing to always shelter them and care for them when they need it, or even when they do not. If they want to live on their own, I can accept that, but if they want to move home, they all know that I am dying for the privilege of sharing space with them.

[Martina]

I do see a fair number of twenty-somethings not doing well out there and returning home for reasons not primarily related to the economy or to serious mental or physical health issues.

Some of it, IMO, is the result of the different parenting styles that have prevailed for the last few decades. Parents and kids are a lot more involved with one another, and kids do depend on parents for more. Basically too much modeling and assisting, too much oversight, on the parent's part, and not enough trial and error on the child's part.

When I was growing up, unless kids were struggling in school, their parents barely knew what their homework was -- unless there was a major project, particularly one parents had to fork over some cash for.

It hasn't been as safe for kids to be as independent either. Or it has been recognized that it never was that safe for kids to be out and about on their own. At the same time, there are studies that show that unsupervised play is extremely important for development of executive function in children -- exactly what so many twenty-somethings seem to lack.

Also, imaginative social play is much better at developing executive function, especially regulation of emotions and self-discipline, than playing computer games and watching TV.

Then environmental health factors that increase anxiety and depression could play a role. Chronic low level anxiety and depression may not end up getting treated and can really affect brain development. Anxiety can be a factor in executive function deficits, as can PTSD and ADHD. In fact, ADHD and executive function deficits are strongly associated. Whatever affects memory and concentration can result in executive function deficits.

And then there is the whole gut-brain thing. The recent study about thin people having a more diverse population of bacteria in their gut is a piece of scientific evidence supporting what is still an alternative medicine theory. As someone with IBS, anxiety and depression, I am a believer. And this may be in part caused by the western diet -- and not just eating poorly, but eating foods like very high gluten wheat, which all of ours is now.

And just stress. Stress alone can cause kids to not learn to cope. Also lack of exercise can contribute. And we are clearly a more sedentary society with every generation.

All this stuff can make it less likely for children to develop executive function skills -- self-discipline, organization, problem-solving, planning, emotional self-regulation, ability to learn from past mistakes, and flexibility (being less thrown and upset by change, in particular).

And to be still developing these well into adulthood, when the consequences for mistakes are much more serious and when expectations are much higher, is tough, tough on everybody. There needs to be more support out there for people over 18 still struggling.

Again, I am grateful for the Affordable Care Act. At least more young people still struggling can continue to be covered by their parents' insurance (already in place) or can get insurance on their own. That will make life less scary. I wish our health care system were more responsive to developmental issues though.

[julieisafemme]

Wow Martina! I so appreciate your perspective as an educator. There are two sides to this coin. I grew up in the 70s and as you said my parents did not help with homework and were the opposite of helicopter parents! I was doing more things at my daughter's age than I can even imagine her doing. Leaving the house all day on Saturdays with a group of girls and taking the bus all over. Walking for hours without *gasp* a cell phone. My Mom had no idea where I was or what I was doing!

Flip side...I had OCD at age 10 and knew something was very wrong and never said squat to my parents. I was sexually abused and exposed to a flasher (so 70s!) AT SCHOOL when I was in the 4th grade.

My kid has OCD. Finally her Dad has agreed to get her the help she needs. Thank G-d she won't be 42 years old and still flailing about trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with her! My life changed dramatically when I was finally properly diagnosed.

I think we need a blend of the old school parenting and the new school parenting. It is hard to do when all your kid's friends have helicopter parents.

I hope my daughter will not come back to live with me. Not because I don't love her a lot but because I want her to live her own life.

The connection to anxiety and depression and learning is huge. Thank you for bringing that up.


I do see a fair number of twenty-somethings not doing well out there and returning home for reasons not primarily related to the economy or to serious mental or physical health issues.

Some of it, IMO, is the result of the different parenting styles that have prevailed for the last few decades. Parents and kids are a lot more involved with one another, and kids do depend on parents for more. Basically too much modeling and assisting, too much oversight, on the parent's part, and not enough trial and error on the child's part.

When I was growing up, unless kids were struggling in school, their parents barely knew what their homework was -- unless there was a major project, particularly one parents had to fork over some cash for.

It hasn't been as safe for kids to be as independent either. Or it has been recognized that it never was that safe for kids to be out and about on their own. At the same time, there are studies that show that unsupervised play is extremely important for development of executive function in children -- exactly what so many twenty-somethings seem to lack.

Also, imaginative social play is much better at developing executive function, especially regulation of emotions and self-discipline, than playing computer games and watching TV.

Then environmental health factors that increase anxiety and depression could play a role. Chronic low level anxiety and depression may not end up getting treated and can really affect brain development. Anxiety can be a factor in executive function deficits, as can PTSD and ADHD. In fact, ADHD and executive function deficits are strongly associated. Whatever affects memory and concentration can result in executive function deficits.

And then there is the whole gut-brain thing. The recent study about thin people having a more diverse population of bacteria in their gut is a piece of scientific evidence supporting what is still an alternative medicine theory. As someone with IBS, anxiety and depression, I am a believer. And this may be in part caused by the western diet -- and not just eating poorly, but eating foods like very high gluten wheat, which all of ours is now.

And just stress. Stress alone can cause kids to not learn to cope. Also lack of exercise can contribute. And we are clearly a more sedentary society with every generation.

All this stuff can make it less likely for children to develop executive function skills -- self-discipline, organization, problem-solving, planning, emotional self-regulation, ability to learn from past mistakes, and flexibility (being less thrown and upset by change, in particular).

And to be still developing these well into adulthood, when the consequences for mistakes are much more serious and when expectations are much higher, is tough, tough on everybody. There needs to be more support out there for people over 18 still struggling.

Again, I am grateful for the Affordable Care Act. At least more young people still struggling can continue to be covered by their parents' insurance (already in place) or can get insurance on their own. That will make life less scary. I wish our health care system were more responsive to developmental issues though.

[Lady Pamela]

Back when I had my house. I had several times this happened.

I told my children to make sure they kept up whatever space they were in
Help with house chores to lighten my load.
Take turns making dinner and meals.
If they had children, Then to make sure al soiled laundry and diapers were taken care of.
I also asked for a bill to be taken care of.
And that money from each check while working was to go into a bank account or to me to save so that they could become self sufficient quicker.
As far as child sitting..I assisted of course. But I did not allow them to take advantage of that. "Unless I chose to of course."

If they had no job at the time, it was set that they would be looking strongly monday thru friday untill one was found.
Also that they would not have company over unless it was agreed on by all involved.

The trick is to keep it as calm and normal as possible,
And to respect each others personal time and space.

Not every time was so calm but for the most part, things ran smooth.

Also we decided that if there was an issue, no one would set on it. It would be brought to the table and handled.

As for times in and out. The only issue I had was respecting my sleep/quiet time.
That is very important to me so it is something I was very stern on.
Having understanding that they were an adult also helped that. So long as they were very quiet late night.
And that if they chose to party etc., That it was done later in the evening when all was done and preferably on the weekend when it didn't get in the wy of work or school.

But on the flip side, it was also a great time to re-conncet on a deeper level for a bit.
Sometimes this didnt happen but I tried very hard to use the time to build great relationships with them.
It also gave me quality time with my grandbabies.

There were times this wasn't so peachy but eventually we worked things out.

This wasn't a;ways easy but it was worth it to see my children secure, safe and progressing.

[DapperButch]

Martina, thanks for this excellent, excellent post. I think that you really hit the nail on the head when you spoke to poor executive functioning:




All this stuff can make it less likely for children to develop executive function skills -- self-discipline, organization, problem-solving, planning, emotional self-regulation, ability to learn from past mistakes, and flexibility (being less thrown and upset by change, in particular).



I think the above is really what we aren't seeing in our early 20 year olds. I know that for me the self discipline and learning from past mistakes (and a sense of consequences), is what has been most concerning about our son, D.

You really are spot on with the above Martina.

Kids don't have to fail anymore, we grab them before they fall. Every kid gets a trophy. We don't give our children the opportunity to learn consequences. Even if the parents do well at allowing the consequences to happen at home, schools and recreational activities pick up the ball and don't let kids fail. Hell, if they don't, the parents attack them about it!

So, as Martina said, they have to learn through BIG adult lessons instead of the small ones they would experience as a child. They fail out of college because their high school teacher (often at parent's urging), didn't give them that F in English class that they deserved.

It is sad to think that what we do in "love" and what we do thinking it will improve self confidence and self esteem, can actually cripple our children instead. I will have to find the article I read that spoke about this.

Great discussion folks.

[DapperButch]

Back when I had my house. I had several times this happened.

I told my children to make sure they kept up whatever space they were in
Help with house chores to lighten my load.
Take turns making dinner and meals.
If they had children, Then to make sure al soiled laundry and diapers were taken care of.
I also asked for a bill to be taken care of.
And that money from each check while working was to go into a bank account or to me to save so that they could become self sufficient quicker.
As far as child sitting..I assisted of course. But I did not allow them to take advantage of that. "Unless I chose to of course."

If they had no job at the time, it was set that they would be looking strongly monday thru friday untill one was found.
Also that they would not have company over unless it was agreed on by all involved.

The trick is to keep it as calm and normal as possible,
And to respect each others personal time and space.

Not every time was so calm but for the most part, things ran smooth.

Also we decided that if there was an issue, no one would set on it. It would be brought to the table and handled.

As for times in and out. The only issue I had was respecting my sleep/quiet time.
That is very important to me so it is something I was very stern on.
Having understanding that they were an adult also helped that. So long as they were very quiet late night.
And that if they chose to party etc., That it was done later in the evening when all was done and preferably on the weekend when it didn't get in the wy of work or school.

But on the flip side, it was also a great time to re-conncet on a deeper level for a bit.
Sometimes this didnt happen but I tried very hard to use the time to build great relationships with them.
It also gave me quality time with my grandbabies.

There were times this wasn't so peachy but eventually we worked things out.

This wasn't a;ways easy but it was worth it to see my children secure, safe and progressing.



Pam, I really like the way you handed things when they were home. It sounds like you set it up where they had guidelines one might have with a child or an employee, but at the same time you operated with them on an adult to adult level. If that makes sense.

[cricket26]

thank you for all the encouragement and opinions...I don't mind helping my partners children...or my children...that is what parents are for...but I guess the problem is that I feel like my children are not as welcome in my home as her children...as most of you know teens are very territorial...and since my partners children are the ones living in the home with us...my children kind of get treated like "step children" this is what upsets me....I hope that clarifies things...

there are times I get very upset and we argue and fight...and it brings me to tears thinking about it...

the youngest has 2 more years of college and I don't know if I can do this....I never see my son...and I rarely see my daughter unless I am going to get my hair done...it is very hard....

[stepfordfemme]

I want to call into question some things that are being said in this particular thread.

First, I would like to point out that the education system has failed my generation in many ways. I, personally, don't believe in the whole self esteem movement --in terms of children not failing, taking exams, etc. But I would also say that the other fundamental problem of education in the 90s/2000s --was it became normal for people to pay for training in whatever form-- *at their own expense*

It's easy for the baby boomers and the generation after to point fingers at my generation, saying its our fault that we are underemployed or whatever twist on it they would like to call it. The reality is twentysomethings are faced with a job crunch two fold. Baby boomers are staying working longer (for many reasons) & we are forced to shell out massive amounts of money to get advanced education for even entry level jobs. It used to be possible to start at the bottom and work your way into training, experience and security. Ha!!!! I've applied for entry level jobs that REQUIRED a 4 year degree that the starting wage was laughable. Job security is a thing of the past. Company loyalty is almost nonexistent because we saw our parents get laid off from companies that they had worked for after 10,15, 20+ years. We know uncertainty, because it happened to us.

It is not unheard of to spend tens of thousands to get a trades education--never heard of in previous generations! Companies used to PAY their tradespeople to get certified. Now pay for it yourself, and be unemployed for your 8 months of school!
Want to be a professional? Better be ready to pay 1/3 of your salary for the next 10 years for those two or three degrees.

Remember when there were massive cuts in the 80s and 90s and 00s to primary education and advanced education? Hello Reaganomics & that little ballon of government debt for two wars? Not to mention the looming retirement crisis? Last I checked those cuts benefited previous generations, not mine.


Yeah, those are only some of the reasons that college educated twentysomethings are having a hard time finding jobs.
Those of us that are LUCKY enough to finish post secondary education end up taking less than stellar jobs after university and are saddled with hefty student loan debt.

My generation was told to work hard in school. Go to university. Get a good job.

But it wasn't all flowers and roses afterwards-- please keep that in mind before you paint us all with the same brush. We were freshly minted graduates when that big ole recession hit.

I'd rather talk about some of the real reasons unemployment (and the after effect of moving back in with your parents) is so high for my generation--- lack of training by corporations passing the buck on to the worker for higher profits, real working wages, disappearance of unions, the student loan bubble , debt in society, the list keeps growing...

--a girl who had to move back in with mommy temporarily after university to survive.

[DapperButch]

Hi, stepfordfemme!

I am really glad that you joined the thread. I don't think there is a thing you said in your post I would argue.

For clarification, I was speaking to adult children who were not seeking out education, are not actively looking for work that could result in sustaining themselves outside of their parents home, and/or are not contributing to the home financially when they are able to. Completely different than what you are talking about. I believe that this is what others in the thread were speaking to, as well, unless otherwise noted (such as Martina's post).

To help with context, did you go to grade/high school in Canada and is that where you live now?

[Martina]

Not at all a derail stepfordfemme. I agree completely. It's an entirely different world than when I was coming up.

[stepfordfemme]

Not at all a derail stepfordfemme. I agree completely. It's an entirely different world than when I was coming up.

Totally appreciated your comments in one of your earlier posts as well.
It's hard to quote every point from previous --that it is a failing of the education system at times.

It takes a lot of humility sometimes for people to ask for help from family.

My personal experience was temporary, but I have several friends post degree that haven't had their lucky break to leave the nest due to their student loan debt. My university roomie pursued her passion in the fine arts-- but now she is working two part time jobs and running an online business from her parents place to A) do what she loves B) pay what she owes.

I'm not saying that we all made wise decisions in our degrees or our choices, but the return to nest is often a necessary evil.

[stepfordfemme]

Hi, stepfordfemme!

I am really glad that you joined the thread. I don't think there is a thing you said in your post I would argue.

For clarification, I was speaking to adult children who were not seeking out education, are not actively looking for work that could result in sustaining themselves outside of their parents home, and/or are not contributing to the home financially when they are able to. Completely different than what you are talking about. I believe that this is what others in the thread were speaking to, as well, unless otherwise noted (such as Martina's post).

To help with context, did you go to grade/high school in Canada and is that where you live now?

It was your post that was actually my starting point, so I'm glad you responded.

I think it is important to contribute to a household- in whatever form. But here is where households get blurry at times. If parents do not treat their children as "tenants" are children automatically responsible to pay them rent?
I think that is the point where children and adults need to have discussions around what the expectations are of them living in the household as adults.
It's a negotiation that goes both ways. If it's a free ride-- it's a choice of the house owners. It is no different than relationships when one partner foots bills and the other can be perceived as a big mooch. It's an enabler and a user relationship. No one likes to be taken for granted.

I personally do not view that as a generational issue and that's where my concern came from with the description of the "twentysomethings"


For context, I am Canadian. I attended public schools, equivalent to what is a "state school" university, and one private school (post degree- paid for by working two low paying jobs, my own blood sweat and tears money). I am debt free --because I took a career path that paid well, completely unrelated to what I want to do. I am right now working on going back for a graduate level degree which I'll end up borrowing for, to do what I love. I gave up and worked incredibly hard for the majority of my twenties to pay back for my undergrad.

When I graduated I was lucky enough that my mother (who did not actively contribute to my education due to low income and later permanent disability)-- offered me a temporary situation to get a nest egg built up so I could move to more feasible place to find employment. I moved to a big city and here I am. My mom kicked me out at one point in high school for being queer. We don't see eye to eye, but I gritted my teeth and took her help.



I think the next ten to twenty years will be interesting for us all. There was an interesting article that I read discussing the sandwich generation. Where inter generational housing situations will become the norm. I wish I could find to link at the moment because it would be a great point to continue discussion. In summary, there is and will continue to be a group that will have their parents and children living all under one roof---to due prohibitive costs of home ownership and facilities for seniors who need constant care.

Many retirees will also be looking for help when they are going into retirement with debt and are forced to stop working. I hope that their children will be able to find themselves better off in terms of responsibility and financially to help their parents out.

Great discussion!

[julieisafemme]

I am a sandwich child. My siblings and I just spent the last year taking care of our Mom during her terminal illness and raising our own kids.

It is so funny that you mention that because in my post I said I hope my daughter does not come to live with me but then I was thinking when you posted that well she better take me in!

I do though as a parent believe that my number one priority is to take care of my own retirement so that my daughter won't have to.



It was your post that was actually my starting point, so I'm glad you responded.

I think it is important to contribute to a household- in whatever form. But here is where households get blurry at times. If parents do not treat their children as "tenants" are children automatically responsible to pay them rent?
I think that is the point where children and adults need to have discussions around what the expectations are of them living in the household as adults.
It's a negotiation that goes both ways. If it's a free ride-- it's a choice of the house owners. It is no different than relationships when one partner foots bills and the other can be perceived as a big mooch. It's an enabler and a user relationship. No one likes to be taken for granted.

I personally do not view that as a generational issue and that's where my concern came from with the description of the "twentysomethings"


For context, I am Canadian. I attended public schools, equivalent to what is a "state school" university, and one private school (post degree- paid for by working two low paying jobs, my own blood sweat and tears money). I am debt free --because I took a career path that paid well, completely unrelated to what I want to do. I am right now working on going back for a graduate level degree which I'll end up borrowing for, to do what I love. I gave up and worked incredibly hard for the majority of my twenties to pay back for my undergrad.

When I graduated I was lucky enough that my mother (who did not actively contribute to my education due to low income and later permanent disability)-- offered me a temporary situation to get a nest egg built up so I could move to more feasible place to find employment. I moved to a big city and here I am. My mom kicked me out at one point in high school for being queer. We don't see eye to eye, but I gritted my teeth and took her help.



I think the next ten to twenty years will be interesting for us all. There was an interesting article that I read discussing the sandwich generation. Where inter generational housing situations will become the norm. I wish I could find to link at the moment because it would be a great point to continue discussion. In summary, there is and will continue to be a group that will have their parents and children living all under one roof---to due prohibitive costs of home ownership and facilities for seniors who need constant care.

Many retirees will also be looking for help when they are going into retirement with debt and are forced to stop working. I hope that their children will be able to find themselves better off in terms of responsibility and financially to help their parents out.

Great discussion!

[DapperButch]

I do though as a parent believe that my number one priority is to take care of my own retirement so that my daughter won't have to.

This is another topic I have been reading a bit about in the financial magazines. As stepfordfemme noted, the cost of college is ridiculously high now. Historically, parents (for those that were able), typically tried to save for both retirement and pay for their children's education costs. With the crazy high costs of education (and the 2008 stock market drop where many lost half their retirement savings), this is no longer possible.

The question is, would your child prefer you pay for their college and then move in with them when you retire? Or would they prefer you cover your retirement and not live with them during retirement?

Right now the trend is towards parents putting every dime into paying for their children's college and not funding their retirement. The economy/advice experts are suggesting that parents fund their retirement first and then give to the kids what they can for college.

[PoeticSilence]

I was lucky enough that my oldest boy paid for his schooling as he went along while his wife took out loans and her family helped her. She has a lot of debt, and because he lived at home for many years while he worked and paid off his debts, my son has very few. She also has a better job as a physical therapist and he's an accountant.

My daughter was a 4.3 average in H.S. and took out a few loans while going through her first four years of University. She graduated with honors in the field of astrophysics, and was offered a free ride and a thirty thousand dollar a year stipend at John Hopkins while she got her Masters and she's finishing her Doctorate. All she had to do was teach school during that time. She's taken a bit of loans out via credit cards to cover some costs because Baltimore is so expensive, but all in all, she's not doing badly.

When I became disabled, both kids came home immediately. While they were here they helped out and did some clean up for me. I felt more than embarrassed because I'm usually the one that runs everything. I was very comforted though.

My daughter and son spoke at great lengths, when she finishes getting her Doctorate she wants to buy a larger house for me and my wife and all of our pet-family to move in with her, but first she wants to stay here with us while she takes some time off of academia and does something for herself for a while. I suggested maybe doing something like hiking across Europe or maybe taking a year off and teaching on a reservation, or working on a ranch. Anything that will let her unwind and work off the stress of academia.

My kids grew up with me working two jobs to make sure they had what they wanted, even sending them money if they needed it, however I could get it. They are proud of me, they tell me often, and I'm proud of them. School debt is terrible, I'd love to be able to pay my daughters off. She's worked hard to get where she is, and the free ride the last few years has been a big fat help. No matter what happens, I know that if they come home to live with me, or if I go to live with them, it's what we all want.

[DapperButch]

I was lucky enough that my oldest boy paid for his schooling as he went along while his wife took out loans and her family helped her. She has a lot of debt, and because he lived at home for many years while he worked and paid off his debts, my son has very few. She also has a better job as a physical therapist and he's an accountant.

My daughter was a 4.3 average in H.S. and took out a few loans while going through her first four years of University. She graduated with honors in the field of astrophysics, and was offered a free ride and a thirty thousand dollar a year stipend at John Hopkins while she got her Masters and she's finishing her Doctorate. All she had to do was teach school during that time. She's taken a bit of loans out via credit cards to cover some costs because Baltimore is so expensive, but all in all, she's not doing badly.

When I became disabled, both kids came home immediately. While they were here they helped out and did some clean up for me. I felt more than embarrassed because I'm usually the one that runs everything. I was very comforted though.

My daughter and son spoke at great lengths, when she finishes getting her Doctorate she wants to buy a larger house for me and my wife and all of our pet-family to move in with her, but first she wants to stay here with us while she takes some time off of academia and does something for herself for a while. I suggested maybe doing something like hiking across Europe or maybe taking a year off and teaching on a reservation, or working on a ranch. Anything that will let her unwind and work off the stress of academia.

My kids grew up with me working two jobs to make sure they had what they wanted, even sending them money if they needed it, however I could get it. They are proud of me, they tell me often, and I'm proud of them. School debt is terrible, I'd love to be able to pay my daughters off. She's worked hard to get where she is, and the free ride the last few years has been a big fat help. No matter what happens, I know that if they come home to live with me, or if I go to live with them, it's what we all want.

This is a great story. Thanks for sharing about your kids.

[Ginger]

I don't have kids but I think the ideal home would be a multi-occupant dwelling with both private and shared areas, good sound proofing and not-necessarily-large, but well ventilated, quiet, both sunny and shady outdoor space, and some kind of consensus process about who is admitted as tenants leave and their space is filled by someone else.

I could see parents and their adult kids living in this kind of habitat.

(Okay, dubious way to weasel into this discussion. But the discussion triggered it.)

[Ginger]

This is another topic I have been reading a bit about in the financial magazines. As stepfordfemme noted, the cost of college is ridiculously high now.

...

Right now the trend is towards parents putting every dime into paying for their children's college and not funding their retirement. The economy/advice experts are suggesting that parents fund their retirement first and then give to the kids what they can for college.


Public colleges and universities are still affordable and even though the interest rate on college loans just went up a little, it's still about half the interest most loans incur.

I work in a college where over half the students attend tuition-free because they income qualify. Most of the rest benefit from some kind of scholarship fund and even those who pay full tuition pay only about $4,000 a year.

Start at a community college and save money on your transferable, intro- level classes. Transfer to a public university and meanwhile, research what kind of merit fellowships are out there as you gain credibility with a high GPA and the other stuff you accrue—a record of public service, etc.

Anyway that's what I recommend for people entering college. Unless of course they get some kind of incredible deal at a private college right at the start, based on their remarkable high school record and often, ethnic identity.

My point is, families don't have to lose their savings to put their kids through college. I never knew that till I fell ass backwards into fellowships and later, worked in a public university system.

[DapperButch]

Public colleges and universities are still affordable and even though the interest rate on college loans just went up a little, it's still about half the interest most loans incur.

I work in a college where over half the students attend tuition-free because they income qualify. Most of the rest benefit from some kind of scholarship fund and even those who pay full tuition pay only about $4,000 a year.

Start at a community college and save money on your transferable, intro- level classes. Transfer to a public university and meanwhile, research what kind of merit fellowships are out there as you gain credibility with a high GPA and the other stuff you accrue—a record of public service, etc.

Anyway that's what I recommend for people entering college. Unless of course they get some kind of incredible deal at a private college right at the start, based on their remarkable high school record and often, ethnic identity.

My point is, families don't have to lose their savings to put their kids through college. I never knew that till I fell ass backwards into fellowships and later, worked in a public university system.

IslandScout, do you work at a community college or a college/university?

I agree about going to community college first. Our son (TF's son), was successful in getting a deal with our local university. Although his classes were held at the local community college, he was a university student. After two years he would receive a liberal arts associates degree from the university. As long as he kept his grades to a C, he would transfer to the "main campus" and finish out his Bachelor's degree. To boot, the associates degree is paid for by the State, as long as you keep your grades at a high C. If not, you are only looking at $4,000/year.

The State will also pick up the tab for the community college students (for a two year degree in whatever they choose, I think). For both programs, the requirment is that you must go right out of high school. It is pretty freaking amazing.

And yes, when I made the statement about college funding/retirement funding, I was speaking about parents with children who went straight to 4 year schools, not those who started at community colleges.

[Ginger]

I agree about going to community college first. Our son (TF's son), was successful in getting a deal with our local university. Although his classes were held at the local community college, he was a university student. After two years he would receive a liberal arts associates degree from the university. As long as he kept his grades to a C, he would transfer to the "main campus" and finish out his Bachelor's degree. To boot, the associates degree is paid for by the State, as long as you keep your grades at a high C. If not, you are only looking at $4,000/year.

The State will also pick up the tab for the community college students (for a two year degree in whatever they choose, I think). For both programs, the requirment is that you must go right out of high school. It is pretty freaking amazing.

And yes, when I made the statement about college funding/retirement funding, I was speaking about parents with children who went straight to 4 year schools, not those who started at community colleges.


That's really great, Dapper. Oftentimes, kids get better academic supervision and mentoring at community colleges. And the cc's that are part of a large university system are protected from becoming workforce development factories and continue to develop their liberal arts offerings. Also, professors at "good" community colleges encourage students to compete in things and attend conferences that are traditionally dominated by 4-year schools.

And in the end, it's the bachelor's degree and beyond that matters, IMO.

[DapperButch]

That's really great, Dapper. Oftentimes, kids get better academic supervision and mentoring at community colleges. And the cc's that are part of a large university system are protected from becoming workforce development factories and continue to develop their liberal arts offerings. Also, professors at "good" community colleges encourage students to compete in things and attend conferences that are traditionally dominated by 4-year schools.

And in the end, it's the bachelor's degree and beyond that matters, IMO.

Yes, it is the bachelor's degree that matter, for certain. I also saw the mentoring that you speak of where TF's son was going. Excellent professors. It was a really interesting situation where they were University professors (employees of the local university), nestled within a community college. I understand the community college professors are excellent as well.

ETA: I realize my posts could be confusing as I am posting in a different area on the site about how TF's son is leaving for boot camp tomorrow. Although D was in the above program, he did not continue on that path. He was in it for one year (last year).

[Okiebug61]

My AARP magazine has an article that says 31% of people between the ages of 50-55 are helping support or completely supporting an adult child. That's really scary.

[DapperButch]

My AARP magazine has an article that says 31% of people between the ages of 50-55 are helping support or completely supporting an adult child. That's really scary.

I'm curious to know how they are defining "helping support". It could be just little stuff here and there.

[Martina]

One quarter of the U.S. population live in food insecure households. I am sure older people are contributing to their children's and grandchildren's income. Who wouldn't?

There used to be jobs that would employ people at a wage which could keep them going, but they are gone.

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2012/05/30/opinion/5302012wage/5302012wage-jumbo.jpg

[Okiebug61]

I'm curious to know how they are defining "helping support". It could be just little stuff here and there.

Well I can tell you that Red and I have had to help support her brother for over a year before he found a job. It was as much as 300.00 a month at times. It was not fun and it was very stressful. We had to pay as much as 600.00 monthly to take care of the charges at the nursing home her mother was in for seven years.

A little stuff here and there can add up to hundreds of dollars. Her brothers cell phone alone costs us $360.00 a year. Thankfully he finally took a job and the contract on his phone runs out this next month and he has been informed that at 48 years old he will need to go and get his own phone.

[Hollylane]

One quarter of the U.S. population live in food insecure households. I am sure older people are contributing to their children's and grandchildren's income. Who wouldn't?

There used to be jobs that would employ people at a wage which could keep them going, but they are gone.

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2012/05/30/opinion/5302012wage/5302012wage-jumbo.jpg

Don't get me started on that. :|

So many of my co-workers are completely hardened to the stories from people calling for payment arrangements on their utility bills. Yes, there are the deadbeats, but there is also a huge group of people who are working their asses off, and only barely treading water. Some of them formerly had a good income, owned their own homes, and had savings accounts, before their company laid them off, and/or sent jobs out of this country. It sickens me.

Honestly, as a home owner, working full time, at a pretty decent wage, with all the bells and whistles of good benefits, there are times when I struggle. So, I can only imagine what folks are experiencing while working more than one minimum wage job, without any health care benefits, and still not coming close to my yearly income. I've heard people who have grown up with privilege, comment that some people just don't make good investment decisions, and their responsible for that, but I ask you...What the hell do they have at the end of the day to invest in their future, or their children's future? Nada.

As for the subject of the thread...

If you look at cultures in some other countries, it is normal for an entire family to share one dwelling, its inhabitants' expenses, cost of upkeep, and responsibilities. Whether there are 5 people or, 15 people in the household, they share expenses/responsibility.

In my experience, the problem I hear about from a lot of my customers, is that adult children are moving back home, and expecting a free ride. That even if they are working, they are not making any effort to pay their way (while sitting home on the internet, blasting heating/AC to ridiculous comfort levels, and enjoying 30+ minute hot showers twice a day). This is something that really ticks me off, I do not have any respect for people who feel entitled to take advantage of family members, roommates, or government programs. When it is parents allowing this to happen, I think the blame goes both ways. In other words, I feel that they have a responsibility to their children to cut the cord with firm intention.

My parents sent me to the school of hard knocks. If I fail, I am the one responsible for picking myself up, dusting my ass off, and being responsible for fixing my own financial issues. They taught me that my choices led to certain results, some good, some very bad. At times, when I struggled, this seamed heartless and unfair of my parents. But, what I learned by experiencing hard times, is that I'm not entitled to shit, unless I earn it. So, I am grateful to my parents for expecting me to rely on myself, and take responsibility for my own life.

[Kelt]

I believe a lot of our housing choices going forward are going to be dictated by the economy. It is already been pointed out here that a "living" wage is getting harder and harder to come by. Whether is it adult children moving back in with their parents, or parents in their later years moving in with their children.

There are some other strategies being floated out there such as the Northern European concept of co-housing (http://www.cohousing.org/what_is_cohousing). There are a few of these communities being built here in the states, primarily in the west, and it is interesting to watch. These come in many forms be they small village type communities with people and families of all ages, or what is being built in my community right now which is more like a co-op/condo set up specifically as an elder co-housing community.

In an earlier post I spoke a little bit about multigenerational housing and how a lot of it is showing up on my own Main street. Shrinking wages or shrinking hours and benefits on higher wage jobs combined with what in some areas are absolutely bizarre real estate prices, something has to give. Right now a 3bd/2ba home on my street starts at $750K. Generally speaking, it takes more than two wage earners to pay that kind of mortgage.

The original premise of this thread was more towards irresponsible children looking for a free or partial ride. I'm glad that some people have stepped in to provide a variety of viewpoints. I think the other side of that coin is going to be seen as irresponsible parents, non-savers or those who could not, as well as some folks who had their financial ass handed to them just a few years ago and don't have enough time to make up for it, looking for a partial or full ride from their family in their elderly years. In that situation there's little hope that the elderly parent is going to be getting off their butt and finding gainful employment.

I don't have any answers, I am just looking out our economy as it stands and looking for some of those answers. I suspected shared housing and pooled resources in a wide range of formats will start playing more of a role in this country in the coming years.

[Blade]

My AARP magazine has an article that says 31% of people between the ages of 50-55 are helping support or completely supporting an adult child. That's really scary.

This is scary Okiebug61. What is even more scary is when people in this age group end up needing help from their parents.

I'm curious to know how they are defining "helping support". It could be just little stuff here and there.

It doesn't really matter how they define, "helping support" reflecting on the state of the economy for the last several years, if a person has more than one adult child to help, it can get right expensive, especially if they have children as well.

My manager raised his two kids to live high on the hog. The son had his own landscaping/lawn business, the daughter had a 4 yr RN degree. When the economy tanked, they were way over their 28 and 30 year old heads in debt. Huge houses, fine cars, all the big boy toys, he helped support both of their families, so they wouldn't all want to move home or lose everything they had.

[Martina]

I think the other side of that coin is going to be seen as irresponsible parents, non-savers or those who could not, as well as some folks who had their financial ass handed to them just a few years ago and don't have enough time to make up for it, looking for a partial or full ride from their family in their elderly years. In that situation there's little hope that the elderly parent is going to be getting off their butt and finding gainful employment.


I wouldn't characterize older people without enough means to get through retirement as irresponsible. A lot of pensions have been reduced, especially medical benefits. Many people count on social security, but it is nearly impossible to make it on that. To have saved on top of paying into social security is really necessary, but a lot of people lost everything in the housing bust. Many folks' entire savings outside of social security were tied up in their homes, and many people lost their homes, not just those who took subprime loans. Or the homes are worth much less than they were before. Lots of hardworking people are underwater on their homes, and most Americans' wealth is tied up in their homes.

And a lot of people lost jobs in the recession. The jobs they got after that were not as good. Those who didn't lose their homes are living close to the edge. Bill Moyers does a good piece on this nearly every month. Millions and millions of Americans barely pay their bills every month.

And getting a job over 50? That is unbelievably hard for most people even in high demand fields.

[Blade]

I have to completely agree with Martina's post. I've lived it. My Grandma, retired from the state, at age 62. They continued to pay her medical insurance, and retirement until she died 2 yrs ago.

Mom worked for a company for 25 yrs and they folded, she was laid off at 63 yrs old, no company retirement, and 401 wasn't matched. She took a job at $5 an hour less for a few years before she got social security but it took her a while to find that job.

My best friend worked for the same company and was laid off as well she was 53 she just got a job this week. She took it for the benefits, the pay is much less than a managers pay.

My company use to pay for employee and dependent insurance. They no longer pay for either but do pay half of employee. Also as of 2007 anyone hired after 2007 does not get a retirement check from the company.

I surely don't live as high on the hog as I once could afford to, due to company cut backs and the addition of having to pay my own insurance. Has anyone mentioned the price of gas. My gosh I think it has doubled since my pay was cut and they sure don't add that into your cost of living raise. Guess that is another thread though.

So IMO Martina's post is spot on.

[Kelt]

I wouldn't characterize older people without enough means to get through retirement as irresponsible. A lot of pensions have been reduced, especially medical benefits. Many people count on social security, but it is nearly impossible to make it on that. To have saved on top of paying into social security is really necessary, but a lot of people lost everything in the housing bust. Many folks' entire savings outside of social security were tied up in their homes, and many people lost their homes, not just those who took subprime loans. Or the homes are worth much less than they were before. Lots of hardworking people are underwater on their homes, and most Americans' wealth is tied up in their homes.

And a lot of people lost jobs in the recession. The jobs they got after that were not as good. Those who didn't lose their homes are living close to the edge. Bill Moyers does a good piece on this nearly every month. Millions and millions of Americans barely pay their bills every month.

And getting a job over 50? That is unbelievably hard for most people even in high demand fields.

I was actually trying to be a little tongue in cheek. I agree 100% with you. I was implying that not all adult children who move back with parents are irresponsible just as older folks who lost it all in the recent economic slide are not irresponsible either. And no in no way would I expect an elderly person to go out and find work when people my age (52) are having an almost impossible time due to age already. I have several friends in impossible situations due to the very reasons you list.

I was highlighting some of the seemingly answerless problems we are facing. I was saying the same thing as you are here as an "other side of the coin", how a younger person could see it.

It's hard to convey tone in text.

[Kelt]

I come from a place of at least partial understanding.

I worked in one industry and was well rewarded for nearly 25 years. The bottom fell out of that so I went to college and reinvented myself for a shiny new career that lasted 8 years at less than half the pay. I am now faced with reinventing myself for a third time. This time with medical challenges, no insurance, and over 50 years of age. I have no family to call on.

I am trying to understand multiple perspectives and options (or lack thereof), not making light of anyones situation.

[Blade]

Just happen to come across this thread and had to chuckle a bit.

Ten yrs ago when my life was upside down Mom wanted me to sell my house and move in with her. I was like ummmm NO WAY! Then about 5 yrs ago when my hours and pay was drastically cut and the recession had set in good, she again was all but begging me to move back home. Again NO WAY!

My sister has had some unexpected issues this year. She makes very little money and didn't want to over extend herself getting an apartment and turning on power water etc.. My parents offered her to move home. OMG the first week Mom and Sis kept my phone text messages busy. Moma did this or said that, Do you remember way back (30 yrs)?, Then Mom would start, sis didn't do this and she said that. OMG it was like refereeing children.

Funniest thing was last weekend. My sister 46 yrs old....texts me and says check this out. It was a text from Mom that said, please be home before 9:30 tonight, I'm tired and going to bed early and I don't want the dog to wake me up barking when you come in. ROFLMAO!!!!

So as for adult children moving home. It can be quite a challenge for parents and the adult child. Rules if any should be discussed up front.

[Shystonefem]

I can honestly say that I am lucky in a way and not so much in a way.

My oldest son earns more than I do... solidly 6 figures.

My middle son does construction and, with his side jobs, does well.

My youngest (21) is still planning on going to school but right now he works full time for barely above min wage.


I would be in HEAVEN if my boys came home. All of them, their girlfriends/wives and my beautiful granddaughter would be welcomed with open arms.
I wouldn't even care if they paid anything (I got it).... It is the best feeling in the world to have those you love under one roof.

[JDeere]

At 38, right now and for the last few years of my life, I live at home with my parents. They are in their late 60's. Mom is retired and dad still works. They semi support me due to the simple fact I can't get a job and the government has screwed me over on my SSDI, 3 times now.

Do I help around the house, yes. I do the work they can't do at the moment.

Rules smules as long as nothing illegal is going on, there are no rules but I do give them enough respect as to let them know where I am and what goes on, just as they tell me what goes on.

So maybe seeing it from an adult child may give you some perspective as to how some people have no other choice.