Bootsandheels...My blogs, and poetry

[Bootsandheels]

Hi everyone! I'm a big blogger over on the BF site, and wanted to start getting more involved over here...I hope you will find my stuff interesting and a good read. I have a large fan base over at BF...LOL. I just write from the depths of my femme heart...I hope you will enjoy.

[Bootsandheels]

I have finally hit that last layer…the last piece of bonded amalgam between me and my stone butch ex that bonded us together in a way that only we as butches and femmes can become bonded.

It’s truly remarkable to me, this bond…it’s like a metal alloy-two distinct and pure forms of metal being bonded together under incredible heat and force. I would never have known just how strong this bond was until I was forced to undergo the unbonding process over this last year.

Nothing…nothing compares with the bond of a butch and a femme. It is sacred, unique and goes beyond what we can grasp or understand at times.
The quality of this bond far exceeds that of any other relationship we know in my humble opinion. I’ve been married to men twice, had my initial girlfriend experience, and then met my first butch. We were engaged for 5.5 yrs and she never married me, but I was more married to her and more bonded than in any other relationship I have ever known. Not until now…going through the excruciating pain of unbonding have I truly and fully understood this fact.

It was a picture…several actually, of her and her new love…at a dance (of course) that I happened upon online. She looked happy, newly in love, and with someone far tanner, more toned and shorter than me. It felt like a laser had just sliced through me…dividing a part of me from myself…like a limb or an organ. It was so sudden I didn’t even feel the intensity of the pain until later…my heart, body and soul couldn’t quite register what my eyes were seeing. It was a clean amputation, complete with bloodless laser cautery.

There is a phonomena known as “ghost limb” pain…where an amputee can still feel with alarming accuracy the limb that has been amputated-even years afterwards. I believe this will happen less and less that I realise it’s really gone, over and done with, but some of the ghost pain will remain…at least for awhile. This is the price we pay…for that bondedness we so desire and are sometimes blessed and privileged to experience.

In doing my research on the separation of metal alloys, I ran across a thread (at bottom) that describes how there are really only two ways for alloys to be separated; chemically or physically. It was interesting to note that the best suggestion was to just purchase the pure elements, because the other methods took an incredible amount of energy.

I am returning to my purest femme form, no fragments left behind. It’s only in our purest forms as radiant compliments of one another that we can reform a new bond…

To me this is the greatest lesson and one of incredible hope to hang onto.

Boots

http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=245677


Lkf 9/2011

[Bootsandheels]

It’s been almost exactly a year to the day that I’ve seen my ex.

It was a new moon…the kind that sits like a bright white fingernail crescent in the sky…then perches low on the horizon waiting til dawn to quietly slip away.

A date night…a rare chance for me to go dancing which is something I was born to do, but don’t do often enough anymore.
A once a month women’s dance called a “Hotflash Dance”…where there’s a whole helluva lot more going on than
just a lack of estrogen…

I had just come in with my date, and I saw her cross to my left…going to the bar. I had to do that “Is that really her” thing for a few seconds to ascertain that indeed it was…and what was I going to do about it.

So ya, the choice…to ignore her or to touch her, which in that split second’s maze of time I chose to do …on the sleeve, ever so gently like I used to, to get her attention and then hold it with that look of love I had
only for her. I beamed with love, standing serenely in my femme strength and light that I had worked so hard to achieve over this past year.

As she turned and saw me…her face looked like she was seeing an angelic vision or a ghost-perhaps both. The room, the pulsating music, all disappeared and everything became blurry around us…all we saw was each other’s face and light in our eyes- a ‘movie moment’ that had happened only once before…the day we met 6.5 years ago.

She stood there, about 8-10’ from me…looking at me…mouth open…and finally managed to say…”You look gorgeous… Oh my God…Do you realise it‘s been a year since I‘ve seen you?”
She slowly made her way towards me with off-balance steps-either feigning for dramatic effect or real from the alcohol she had consumed, I wasn’t sure. I think it was a little of both-she always had a comedic side, which I loved, that she would bring out around me, and she always had a problem with alcohol.

We met in AA and both had the same amount of time-4 years.
A year ago last December after picking up her 9 year chip, she picked up a six-pack, and has never looked back.
I looked furtively at her hand that held a beer that she placed on a small table nearby.
As I opened my ‘ballerina arms’ as she called them to embrace her, we slowly moved towards one another once again…a beginning to a dance we both knew so very well.

Her freshly pressed beautiful shirt, her body, her short bleached hair and her cologne…all so familiar and comfortable. With each second that passed I began to melt and mold into her frame , her bones for checkpoints, like magnets no longer able to resist the pull.
We held on for a long time…and I stepped in closer with that one tiny step that I would always take to adjust for my height, for a tighter fit. She squeezed a little tighter, hung on a little longer than I expected.

She always said she could feel my heart beating right through my chest all the way to hers when we hugged, and mine was doing crazy acrobatic flips doubletime. I tried to breathe and slow it down..but it wasn’t possible…breathing…heart rate…all non-negotiable now.
A scene like this had played out not so long ago…in a counseling office.. both of us crying…hanging on to one another for dear life…when the reality hit that our life together was ending. She wouldn’t stop the drinking, I wouldn’t live with it.

Upon re-entry to the world…the room..our surroundings…she bowed her head in embarrassment while slowly pulling away.
I motioned to my date whose back was to us, and the introductions were made. As I watched them, I felt an incredible combination of elation, shock, victory and defeat all at the same time.

And so I danced…with my funky balletic grace, and bringing sexy back femme moves, I danced…I smiled so big and danced so big I WAS the firework in Katy Perry’s song.

I was on a sugar dancing high…my body was on fire, my mind and spirit awhirl with delight as they reconnected with the pulsating beat of my healing heart and reunited my sweet femme soul strutting in her stillettos out on the dance floor…leaving them all going "Ah ah ah…"

Katy Perry - Firework - YouTube
Boots

6/5/2011 lkf

[clay]

Hey Boots...I LOVED your work at Dash, so will here as well....good to see you again..and you are awesome!!! ClayHi everyone! I'm a big blogger over on the BF site, and wanted to start getting more involved over here...I hope you will find my stuff interesting and a good read. I have a large fan base over at BF...LOL. I just write from the depths of my femme heart...I hope you will enjoy.

[Bootsandheels]

Hey Boots...I LOVED your work at Dash, so will here as well....good to see you again..and you are awesome!!! Clay


Hey Clay! Thank you so much for this! What is Dash? Not familiar with that I think-so please fill me in if my work is showing up somewhere I don't know about...? Thanks again for welcoming me and my work here!

[clay]

Morning there Boots! You are most welcome. Dash is that "other" site you mentioned (BF). I heard everyone else calling it "Dash" so I do, too! Sorry if I have confused you!! Keep on writing hun!!! LOVE it! ClayHey Clay! Thank you so much for this! What is Dash? Not familiar with that I think-so please fill me in if my work is showing up somewhere I don't know about...? Thanks again for welcoming me and my work here!

[Bootsandheels]

Morning there Boots! You are most welcome. Dash is that "other" site you mentioned (BF). I heard everyone else calling it "Dash" so I do, too! Sorry if I have confused you!! Keep on writing hun!!! LOVE it! Clay

Ohhhh!!! Ok...THANKS! So funny I've never heard it called that before! Thanks so much for your support and encouragement Clay! Big femme hugs! Have a lovely rest of your weekend!

[clay]

Hi Ya Boots: You, again, are very welcome. Or as we said in Hawaii..."mahalo". Yea that was funny..."dash"....
I am having a wonderful long weekend. Keep that pen smoking, dahlink! I am a FAN for life!!!! ClayOhhhh!!! Ok...THANKS! So funny I've never heard it called that before! Thanks so much for your support and encouragement Clay! Big femme hugs! Have a lovely rest of your weekend!

[Bootsandheels]

Femme Rooted (Endless...)

When does it end…these gut wrenching sobs…
With pain so deep my need to breathe is robbed
An endless ache of sleepless nights with no dreams
A black hole of sky
A cold moon without her moonbeams…

When does it stop?
(How did it start?)
endless memories of you and me…

So happy…so desperately in love…never dreaming we would ever be apart
(someone jumpstart my heart…please…just jumpstart my heart…)

Why can’t we pull out those deep roots of love-
the ones that go so far down…
we never know where they really go…
but they go…
and they grow…

growing deep down to the beautiful place…
The beautiful-unconditional-love-place…
The beauty-within-ourselves (and others)-place…
The have-no-words-(don’t need any)-for-it-place…
No-address-or-map-for-this-love’s-journey-or-destination-place…
A place…to call Home…
yes that we might…just might (get to) come home…

Still it grows and it goes…
deeper and deeper still
Anchoring and curling…
back around our hearts securing…
battening down hatches and tightening latches
against a storm’s rage and tidal waves
From the world and how we each behave…
(Towards one another…)

When did it start
(Will it ever stop?)
This endless love between you and me…

So alone…dreaming of lost love…
never dreaming we would be apart...
(someone jumpstart my heart- please…just jumpstart my heart…)

Why can’t I pull out these deep roots of love-
the ones that go so far down
I never know where they really go…
but they go…
and they grow…

Growing deep down through the pain back to love place
The beautiful-unconditional-love-you-always-place…
The beauty-to-love-myself-and-love-(someone new)-place…
No-address-or-map-for-new-love’s-journey-or-destination-place…

A place…to call Home…
yes that I might…just might (get to) come home…

Still it grows and it goes…
deeper and deeper still
Without my permission
or any willing submission
I’ll fall down and lay down
New seedlings of my love
And show the world how it’s done…

That the roots of love won…


lkf 9/16/2011

[Bootsandheels]

Since B-F is down...I'm posting my monthly blog here for those interested and subscribed!

[hopelessromantic69]

Amazing Boots as always!! Big hugs!
I know this place all too well. I hope someday to be free of that pain or plant my own seed of love won.

[Bootsandheels]

Amazing Boots as always!! Big hugs!
I know this place all too well. I hope someday to be free of that pain or plant my own seed of love won.

Thank you so much HR!!! *muah...kotc!

[Bootsandheels]

I started with this series-"Because I am Femme..." Hope you enjoy and let me know-I love feedback!

Because I am Femme #1

Because I am femme I can feel your eyes on me from across the room and you can smell me a mile away...and I haven't even met you...yet.

Because I am femme I know just where to love you, touch you, caress you with heart pounding at the honor and privilege of it even though it may change daily...

Because I am femme I will defend you to those who would seek to ridicule you or make fun of us by getting (sweetly) in their faces and teaching them about who we are...

Because I am femme I allow you the honor to hold me when I cry, gently caressing my tears and blotting my smeared mascara away...

Because I am femme I grin at the men who stare in wonder at me with you and with one look, and the way I carry myself with you they know why...

Because I am femme I take pride in how I look, and wear what looks stunning on me in and out of the bedroom...

Because I am femme I take pleasure in fixing a delicious meal with you or for you and having it ready when I can...

Because I am femme I allow you to take the lead if you want it and if you don't, my step is right in tune with yours...

Because I am femme I adore you from afar...watching your stance, your swagger, your smile, your scent...blushing when you catch me at it...fanning myself...

Because I am femme you notice my crossed legs when I sit, my strut in my heels, my only-for-you-smile and hint of beautiful lingerie peeking out of my dress...

Because I am femme I lift you up when you are down and immerse you in the strength, love and courage you need for another day "out there"...

Because I am femme I know that the your greatest pleasure is in pleasing me...and I let go...more and more...and watch the delight on your face and in your body...

Because I am femme I will try to be very patient, loving, and kind with you when you make really stupid mistakes, and am always aware of your tender butch ego...

Because I am femme I eagerly allow you to shove me hard against a wall kissing me passionately all the while knowing I'm the one who is still really in control...

Because I am femme I will always be a lady and act like one, whether with or without you...

Because I am femme I am strong and secure in myself and do not need you to constantly remind me...but love it when you choose to...

Because I am femme I am aware of your needs, especially for understanding, trust, loyalty, honesty and know when to step up...

Because I am femme I will not let you kill my lovely spiders, but carry them out of the house...but the sugar ants you may always kill immediately...lol

7/24/2010 lkf

[Bootsandheels]

Because I am Femme #2

Because I am Femme...I will go shopping with you in the men's or young men's department, guarding you from rude salespeople and stares and giving you my undivided attention and honest commentary, not letting you walk out that door with anything that doesn't look amazing on you...

Because I am Femme...I will stand patiently in the endless hardware aisles with you and learn all I can about tools...when I really know I can do it too...I just need a nail file, hammer and scissors...for most anything...oh and duct tape...

Because I am Femme...I will always look at you adoringly when someone looks at you funny or with a grimace from across the room, the street, in an airport or wherever...I am your guardian angel and have stilettos to wield if necessary and will if need be...not to mention a very high kick in the right area...

Because I am Femme...if you ask, I will accompany you into the women's bathroom which is your minefield unless you choose the other one for that day...it's up to you and I won't say a word about it...

Because I am Femme...I will remember family birthdays, anniversaries, etc. etc. and make sure that your family and mine are cared for and remembered...I make you (and us) look good, but really take delight in doing all those little things that you consider quite annoying and time consuming...

Because I am Femme...I will always give you the once over before you head out that door and make sure that there is nothing out of place, out of whack, or whatever...you are my butch and it's my job baby! and...I expect that same courtesy only with no snide remarks or rudeness if I am "Off" that day...

Because I am Femme...Your femme...I won't flirt...or do anything like it...because we are bonded, and that is a very very rare gift indeed...you will always know where I am in a room full of people (because I am the proverbial social butterfly)...but...if you give me that one "look" I will be by your side..in an instant.

Ok...so that's my second installment....hmmm (ponders more while going car shopping...)

7/26/2010
lkf

[Bootsandheels]

Because I am Femme #3

Struts back in...(proud of myself for walking away from nasty used car salesmen)...looks around...removes high heeled sandals and curls up on sofa...

Because I am Femme...I delight in the fact that you are mesmerized by watching me put on my make-up, and I am equally so...by your facial expressions reflected in the mirror...

Because I am Femme...I will stand up to you in my Femme Power if you are ever mean or controlling with me, reminding you that we are still equals when it comes right down to it...and we should always endeavor to maintain mutual love and respect...or I will strut proudly...dignity intact...right out that door...

Because I am Femme...I will take the incredible amount of time, energy and effort that it takes to button, fasten, snap, clip, tie, untie, hook, unhook, and shimmy...all the special lingerie and other things that you adore on me...knowing that within 5 mins it comes off...usually...lol...and it was SO worth it...and always will be...! Because I am Femme...I am a grand chameleon...I am sometimes invisible...sometimes not...and that can often be a good or a bad thing...but I always know who I am and so do you...always.


7/26/2010
lkf

[Bootsandheels]

Because I am Femme #4

(Quietly pads into room...barefeet today...no makeup...hair askew...some random thoughts)

Because I am Femme...I appreciate your integrity, honesty, gentleness, courtesy and boldness...especially when given permission to enter the sacred vault of my complicated heart...

Because I am Femme...I so appreciate your strong heart, strong arms, and strong mind to keep up with mine...

Because I am Femme...truly Femme...I feel it from the inside out, not the outside in...and couldn't imagine being anything else...ever.

Because I am Femme...I will quietly and confidently look for you until I find you, patiently waiting...knowing that at the right moment you will appear someday right when you are supposed to, and we will both know it almost instantaneously...

Because I am Femme...I am a hopeless romantic with my head in the clouds...just like you...I refuse to give up hope...

(Pads out of room to get dressed...and repeat my calming ritual of putting on my make-up, the "right" pair of heels, jeans...fixing my hair, even though you are not there...yet.)

Boots

7/29/2010
lkf

[Bootsandheels]

(Home from the movies, had to fight to take off tight new boots...lol...quietly contemplating the evening's events pretzeled up at the computer desk...)


Because I am Femme...I catch myself hoping and wondering that the boyish looking young person with the slightly wider hips in the movie line in front of me is really a butch...

Because I am Femme...I laugh at myself when I realise that he is not...and realise that I do this everyday...hoping...lol

Because I am Femme...and single, I have a unique and timely opportunity to decide what kind of relationship I want and need and am enjoying the dynamic in a whole new way...dating! OMG...

Because I am Femme...I can run and hide from all of this if I choose and still be me and still be desireable-for myself first and then for that special someone out there...if I choose.

Because I am Femme...I can love and appreciate all women...but know that it's always the butches that make my heart, body, soul, mind and spirit...SING...!

Because I am Femme...I'm thinking about how a Femme can be both a Stradivarius and a fiddle and needs a skilled and talented set of hands to bring her beautiful music out...Wishing more understood this...!

Boots

8/11/2010
lkf

[clay]

Excellent! Excellent!!! Bravo, Boots!!! YOU are magnificent!!! SOME one is going to be mighty blessed to win your heart!!! Hugs, beautiful lady!!! ClayBecause I am Femme #3

Struts back in...(proud of myself for walking away from nasty used car salesmen)...looks around...removes high heeled sandals and curls up on sofa...

Because I am Femme...I delight in the fact that you are mesmerized by watching me put on my make-up, and I am equally so...by your facial expressions reflected in the mirror...

Because I am Femme...I will stand up to you in my Femme Power if you are ever mean or controlling with me, reminding you that we are still equals when it comes right down to it...and we should always endeavor to maintain mutual love and respect...or I will strut proudly...dignity intact...right out that door...

Because I am Femme...I will take the incredible amount of time, energy and effort that it takes to button, fasten, snap, clip, tie, untie, hook, unhook, and shimmy...all the special lingerie and other things that you adore on me...knowing that within 5 mins it comes off...usually...lol...and it was SO worth it...and always will be...! Because I am Femme...I am a grand chameleon...I am sometimes invisible...sometimes not...and that can often be a good or a bad thing...but I always know who I am and so do you...always.


7/26/2010
lkf

[Bootsandheels]

(Teary...green rubber clogs on, getting ready to go to vet's soon)

Because I am Femme...I really want a strong butch by my side today as I struggle to deal with finding a new home for my beautiful dog who just bit someone randomly yesterday.

Because I am Femme...it's hard for me to admit the above statement, because I'm strong and can handle it with as much grace and dignity as possible, but I so could use that strong, steady, loving butch energy today.

Because I am Femme...I am recognising and missing a whole new level of "bondedness" in the magic dynamic between a butch and a femme...that of true, deep and steadfast friendship.

(shuffles off to the vet to get shots and begin the process of saying goodbye...) 

8/21/2010
lkf

[Bootsandheels]

Pretzled up again at desk cluttered with papers…major “bedhead” hair, makeup still on from yesterday…(I never do that) fleece jacket and green clogs…sigh…plans ‘femmier’ outfit after writing this blog…)

Because I am Femme…I get overwhelmed easily at times by your passion, need and desire for me…yet delight in it.

Because I am Femme…I over think and over feel everything and eventually figure it all out, I just need time to myself, and will pull away from you for awhile to get it.

Because I am Femme…when I get like this I want to run away from the world and become invisible for awhile…but I can’t for long because my femme light shines so brightly…and I need yours too to help find my way.

Because I am Femme…I will always come back to you, if you are truly mine and I am truly yours…it’s just the way it is…like two dancers on stage, one in each corner…carefully eyeing one another…Moving slowly, methodically, gracefully between the solo dance, the duet…the solo dance…the duet…the choreography planned long ago…

Boots

8/29/2010
lkf

[Bootsandheels]

(Barefoot…jammies…pretzled up again at ‘puter desk…pissed, but slightly amused…)

Because I am Femme…I will not bend or break under any false accusations against me but will quietly stand firm in my femme power with my diginity and integrity knowing the truth will always come out…

Because I am Femme…I will not let you get away with your malicious gossip and backstabbing ways but quietly and serenely wait until the mudslinging is over and watch you wash it off…and hand you a towel…

Because I am Femme…You will NEVER bring me down…because I am stronger than you could have ever imagined and fearless beyond measure…

Because I am Femme…I have nothing to prove…nothing to hide…I am just me and I am an amazing femme…no matter what anyone thinks…

Because I am Femme…I will not back down, run away or hide…you have just made me stronger and better…THANK YOU!!!

(Laughing and shaking my head as I head out the door to enjoy the beautiful Fall day…with my favorite brown shitkickers on…)

[Bootsandheels]


(Sits in bathing suit at desk in 94 degree weather hot and mad as hell…)

If you want a “woman with some meat on her bones” or a stereotypical voluptuous femme with big boobs, long hair, etc….

Don’t come knocking on my door…or try to steal my honey and then decide you don’t like the taste after all…

I am a lean mean fighting machine with curves for days that can kick ass
with my long flexible legs and wrap them around you and make you a puddle on the floor wanting more in a matter of seconds…I will match you beat for beat…

You say I show some weight loss in my neck and chest from all the life changes I’ve had recently and comment on that rather than focusing on what an amazingly beautiful neck and body I have to offer you…completely missing the fact that those are the places that would make me yours in a heartbeat…


Stupid stupid butch…get the hell outta my way…because you are getting in the way of a butch who’s coming after me who will see me just as I am and know I am a complete treasure worth far more than you ever could have or deserve…


(Pads barefoot out to deck to sun my skinny bikini self...feeling much more at peace...femme rant over)

8/14/2010
lkf

[Bootsandheels]

I know who are…

I bury my face in the shirt you left behind and close my eyes remembering your touch…our amazing time together…lost in you…
wanting you…but trying hard not too.

My heart twisted like your shirt in my hands…
Too soon… too much…too intense…
but so right.

The places I could go with you…the places I have already gone…

Who are you?
Who the hell gave YOU the keys to my sacred feminine vault?

Who do you think you are?

And patiently you wait…
keys in hand softly jangling…
unnerving me…
wearing me down…
with a knowing grin on your face…

Watching me struggle to figure it out…
Watching the others come and go…
Watching the walls of my fortified heart come tumbling down
Around your boots
And my heels…

You say to me…
“You are the woman of my heart and soul”…
How can that be?
When did you see?

And I follow your gaze down to the key…
Lodged in the lock…
Now set free

10/18/2010 lkf

[Bootsandheels]

I'll be back to post more of the "Femme" series...and of course the "Island Girl Series.." :) Thank you for you support and for reading!!!

[Bootsandheels]

I'll be back to post more of the "Femme" series...and of course the "Island Girl Series.." :) Thank you for you support and for reading!!!

Annnd...If you don't see one of your favorites, just let me know and I will post it for you!

[asphaltcowboi]

fantastic writings.. hope to read more!

[Bootsandheels]

fantastic writings.. hope to read more!

Thank you so much Cody...I'm transferring them all from my blogs on Butch-Femme which sadly seems to have bit the dust for good :blink: I'll be back to post much more...:eyebat:

[Bootsandheels]

There you are again…
in my bed with your sweet angelic boi-face…
nestled in the crook of your arm…
the covers strewn with jeans and lace…

So adorable…
I could stand for hours just watching you there…
Strong jaw, high cheekbones…short curly hair…
So handsome yet so beautiful…
So incredibly unique…
And into your soul you let me peek…
And In that moment…
I get a sneak peek…

Of a butch-boi man…
Of a woman in a butch-boi
Of constant struggle but no defeat…
Of acceptance and hard won joy…
Of my sweet butch-woman-boi…

Like a cherub full of grace…
with a childish grin on your impish face…
Halfway between sleepy and sound asleep…
You stretch and wait for me…
Aching for me even in your dreams
You reach for me…
You reach for me…
But still I stand against the wall…
watching you breathe…
The rise and fall…
Watching you…
Wait for me…
Struggling to stay awake…
For me…
with senses aware that I’m not there…
Quite yet…

Sleepy head, you rock my world with your soft seraphim lips…
Heaven’s music starts to play when you touch me with your
fingertips…
Heaven’s own music starts to play…when you lay me down…
Stroking the strings of your precious femme instrument…
When you lay me…down…
and gently remove my princess crown…

Boots :stillheart:

lkf, 11/23/10

[Bootsandheels]

I’m supposed to be put together…been told I know how to do that well..

Yet I have so many loose ends going this way and that…

The man-child … a hot blue brilliant flame of strong satin ribbon…trying desperately to blame…

The ex …a worn black leather cord…it’s tightly knotted razor edges once loved and adored…

The lover…a sky blue silk string…deliciously wrapped so delicately in between…

The dog…a metallic soldered silver thread slipping carefully by
cheating death...

The job…a wiry rough jute rope… frayed and full of false promises and hopes…

The friends…a multiple strand of vibrant yarns wrapped round me keeping safe from harm…

The family…a soft and strong cotton blend allowing me room to grow and bend…

The Femme…a fierce fiery red silk strand carefully and intricately
sewn by hand…

All these loose ends somehow find their place

in their own interwoven interface…

It’s a mystery that even I sometimes cannot see…

But when I really look…

It’s a beautiful femme tapestry…

Boots :stillheart:


10/31/10 lkf

[Bootsandheels]

Femme Geographic...The "Island Girl Series" #1

(Sitting at a desk in a cute studio apartment, on a rainy island in the middle of Puget Sound…hot pink fleece jacket, sheepskin slippers…pondering packing up…)

So I’m trying it on…for only for 3 months I said…
Moving from my cityscape home for the last 23 years
to your Puget Sound island where a ferry boat is the only way off and on…

Where 130 or so goats, 2 horses, 1 cow, 4 potbellied pigs, 7 sheep and a border collie are your constant companions…
And the smell of rotten feta cheese has a name:
Bart the buck goat-who you promise will not be around much longer…

You’ll live in the loft above the barn…
Which is the Taj Mahal compared to the “Twinkie”
Your 20 foot remodeled 1954 Airstream trailer that has seen better days and you…for the past 10 years…
sacrificing so much for your business that is now exploding…

I’ll live in a cute studio apartment close to the water…
With a loving lesbian couple 8 steps away…
My dog by my side…
Eagerly awaiting you and the promise of another front seat truck ride
and a romp on your 7 acre farm…

It must be love…
My dog says so…
It must be love…
I sure hope so…

It must be love…
My dog says so…
It must be love…
And I won’t know
Until I know…

And so I’ll go…

(Dances around to "Soldier" by Ingrid Michaelson... ) Soldier - Ingrid Michaelson - YouTube

Copyright lkfox 1/2011

[Bootsandheels]

Femme Islander (I'm floating...) "The Island Girl Series" #2

(Sheepskin slippers and fleece again…sigh…sitting on a couch with Aisha…(tail wrapped around her nose)…gas fire burning in little loft above the barn…random animal noises from down below…)

Halfway between the water and the land I float…
Not knowing where I will land…
Between somewhere here and a ferryboat…
from some Seattle mainland…
to your peculiar I-sland…

I float…I swirl…like a small wave I advance…
I retreat…I advance…I retreat…perhaps I’ll dance…
Will I stay…will I go…where I’ll end up
Nobody knows…

Sitting now…greeting seniors at their center…
(where is center… my own center?)
A hug turns into a two-step twirl…
(I retreat…I advance…and I swirl..)
As a tall bent man sings “Mona Lisa”
(“are you real are you warm Mona Lisa…”?)
cataract filled eyes gazing into mine…
(even with my heels on…eye to eye…)

I retreat…I advance…perhaps I’ll dance…
Will I stay…will I go…where I’ll end up…
Nobody knows…

So I float like the ferryboats…
I swirl and I twirl…
Like a small wave I advance…
I retreat…I advance…
And towards center…
Perhaps I’ll dance…

Boots :stillheart:

Copyright lkfox 1/22/11

[Bootsandheels]

Femme Exit "The Island Girl Series" #3

I can feel it coming…
That time…when I will leave.
I hate that…the knowing…
the waiting for that moment…
that day
the one that comes so
unexpectedly…
but when it does you knew it
all along.

See…
Right there….deep inside that protected vault
lies my femme heart…
(beating without fault)
Open enough for you to gaze in and marvel
(It’s design a brilliant cat’s eye marble)
To gently hold for a season
(not without reason)
To ravish it’s rarity and it’s reluctant return…
( and still I turn…)

Wishing I had what it takes to stay still
To offer you all with my own free will
to offer you all that you need…
But I bleed…
(See?)
I still bleed…
From inside out
(with silent shouts…)
Slow trickles now…
(coagulating now)
Scabbing, scarring, building…
(unyielding…)
but healing…
(yes still healing…)

See…
My diamond scales?
They’re breaking through
that new scar tissue…
refracting light beams
like the stuff of my dreams…
and like a dizzy disco ball
dancing against the walls
Spinning mirror facets
like an Elvis jacket…

Transformation
complete.

Copyright lkfox 4/2011

[Bootsandheels]

Femme Detour…(Recalculating Route) "The Island Girl Series" #4

There are twists and turns to every story and my life is
certainly no exception.

I can pick the coordinates, enter an address and *poof* there’s a construction zone up ahead and I hear that dreaded voice again…”Recalculating route”…

You know…the one that seems to say in an ever-so-slightly-disgusted- bitchy-impatient-tone…“You idiot…why the hell didn’t you just do what I said-you have a map, the route is clearly outlined, and PLUS… you have my lovely computerized voice to guide you….”

To which I cheerfully but disgustedly reply back with glee…
”Fuck you!” and choose my own path…while switching off my global positioning system.

There is something scary about that statement…but strangely comforting at the same time.

Anyone who knows me learns very quickly that while I have amazing intuitive gifts, I cannot for the life of me find my way out of a paper bag where directions are concerned. And nighttime driving?…let’s just not go there right now ok? Let’s just say that while I can give you spiritual direction and guidance, I will probably get lost on the way back home from your house. Sigh…it’s humbling really…

I get really impatient and tend to beat myself up about this frustrating embarrassing truth about myself. I do eventually …with practice, find my own way…and sometimes just switching off all of my external guidance systems (MapQuest, GPS, iPhone…) is exactly what I need.

In my last “Island” blog I was at the “Exit” sign…pondering not why…but how.
I’ve pulled off to the side of the road and am just sitting calmly waiting for different signs now…different guidance systems…and surprisingly when I get quiet enough and just simply stay still long enough,
I hear a different voice…a truth, a gut hit, that inner compass that
slowly starts to spin again showing me not necessarily the “right” direction to go in, but the best one FOR NOW.

I smiled when I realized I was “Recalculating Route” in my very own personalized unique way…and that it was simply…perfectly… okay. The voices that I chose to listen to this time were familiar…patient, loving and yes…sometimes admonishing, but always TRUE.

These voices are what I like to call “My Tribe of Women”
My Best Friend…who incredibly is so pure in heart you can palpably feel her Mary-Mother-of-God kind of love…
My “Spiritual Mother”…an amazing femme goddess whose wisdom, guidance and love I NEVER question or debate…damnit…she’s ALWAYS right!
My Best Butch Bud…who loves me unconditionally and just “gets” me, offering me her strength and wisdom with gentleness and no expectations…

They are amazing and I am so fortunate to have these women in my life. They are the earth to my air, the feathers of my wings…
They ground me and help me stay still just a little while longer…and never abandon me if I go off on yet another rabbit trail that has a “DEAD END” sign clearly marked at the entrance…

“Recalculating route”…yep… that’s not so bad…to turn a corner and not be where you thought you’d be…but not in a panic anymore.

I’m learning a little bit more about myself by standing still long enough to notice the birds again…the flowers and trees exploding all around me in a riot of color against this perpetually green wet rain forest, and a sky that stays light a little longer every day…with another tease of sunlight.

It’s an interesting thing riding a ferry boat…I used to panic that the damn thing would sink and I wouldn’t be able to get out of my car or get my dog out of her crate…now I just stay still in my car and relax as the boat slowly and calmly moves me forward…as it safely does hundreds of times each week, with graceful strength and dignity…

And I keep my eyes open…
watching and hoping…
to catch a glimpse
of orcas...

Boots :stillheart:

Copyright lkfox 4/2011

[Bootsandheels]

Femme Nailed..."The Island Girl Series" #5

I admit it…I’m a nail slut. In addition to being a shoe whore, I have come to the realisation that yes…I am….a nail slut. I adore getting my nails done. I’ve had that off again, on again love affair with acrylic nails, solar nails, and every vice in between…
I have finally just given in to this hedonistic addictive love affair once and for all-and even people around me are far happier, calling me such a girly girl…to which I just
*blush…and positively squeal with delight replying… “That’s RIGHT!!!” and show them my lovely nails…

My plan every year is to hold out until summer for the beginning of Pride festivities-
I like to look my femmiest for Pride…and the nails have it-in addition to my stilettos,
my tight jeans or dress…the nails just take me to that “whole ‘nuther level of femmeness“…I’m not sure why…I don’t ask, I just obey my inner Femme lioness who wants to have gorgeous sexy claws to scratch and…and….*ahem (jots down notes for ‘Femme Erotique’ piece…*wink)

Living on a small rural island in the middle of Puget Sound, you would think there wouldn’t be ANYONE who could A.) possibly do nails, and B.) do them well enough to my high femme standards. I about jumped outta my heels when I walked into Nancy’s nail salon and got one of the most beautiful full sets of acrylics I have ever had the priviledge of wearing. Most women know that Vietnam is the source of many amazing artistic nail goddesses, and Nancy is truly one of the best. She is middle aged, has a beautiful face and skin, with dark eyes framed by lovely tattooed eyebrows all partially hidden behind a yellow surgical mask-the mask of a
ninja nail master!!!

In between her broken English and rapid fire Vietnamese, she meticulously creates…and makes any woman’s hands and feet a thing of beauty. I told her this, and with crinkly sparkly eyes, she demurely said “Thank you”. Eager to begin, I sat down quickly at her tiny table and “BAM”…hit my knee…hard. She didn’t have any ice, and since I plan to wear a super short sexy thing for Pride next week…I ran out to my car and grabbed the next best thing to ice my poor knee - a “Healthy Choice” frozen entrée dinner. Yep…there I was…mesmerized by Ninja Nail Queen Nancy with one hand in hers, and the other holding my frozen entrée on my bruised knee….NOTHING and I repeat nothing was going to interrupt this sacred event…I breathed in the acetone fumes and started to feel my body relax…perhaps I was just getting high…who knows…but it was all good…really good…zzzzzz…

She smiled that subtle little Asian smile every time her eyes caught sight of the frozen entrée, and I can only imagine what she thought. When she finished, she instructed me to be “Vwery Cahful” when I began to extricate myself from her table…giggling a little under her yellow Ninja mask at me…watching this silly stilettoed girly girl with long gazelle legs carefully unfold herself and attempt to stand up without incident.

I paid her, and tipped her generously as a master deserves. We smiled and laughed with each other as I put the entrée in my purse, and I knew a bond had been made…my nails yes…bonded, glued, glistening and glamorous. But more perfectly…and more importantly…a bond of women…of cultures, and an unspoken appreciation for beauty and all things feminine.


Boots :stillheart:

Copyright lkfox 6/16/2011

[Bootsandheels]

Welcome to my world...and to a magical island in the Puget Sound of the Pacific NW...
I hope you will enjoy reading "The Island Girl Series"...:waitinggirl: Please...scroll up to view from the beginning!

[Bootsandheels]

9 Word Poetry Challenge
Mending, Treasure, Morning, Alone, fact, Soul, Love, Future, Hoping

“Stitched”

Morning comes,
And I’m finally alone
To ponder the fact
That my heart is still mending
From the tearing
And the rending
Yes
Still mending…

So…
Isn’t there some stitch-witchery
That will completely set me free?
To love again
To trust again
And yet
Again…

My heart is still mending
From the tearing
And the rending
Yes
Still mending…

So…(Sew it together now…)
My body you may pleasure
Now and then at your leisure,
But the fabric of my heart
To me is the real treasure…
And the resilience of my soul
Only I alone know…

So…(Sew it together now…)
I’m hoping for future love
That fits Mmmm…like a kid glove,
Hoping and coping with my
Heart that’s still mending
From the tearing
And the rending
Yes…
Still mending…
Morning Comes…
And I capture the sunrise
Shining in my eyes
And I realise
With quiet surprise…
That my heart is done mending
From the tearing
And the rending
Yes
Done mending,
Yes
Done mending

Copyright lkfox 4/29/11

[Bootsandheels]

You’ve heard it all when finally faced with whether or not to take a real shot on someone…
“Aw…just take a flying leap!”…Just jump! “Gotta step off that cliff…
And one of my new personal favorites I’ve heard as of late:
“Flying is the best part of jumping…”…Ya…riiiiiight…..Mmmhmm.
Tell that to my shattered heart down there…oh and bring the broom & dustpan would ya? It’s right next to the superglue and duct tape-over there…

(*Big Breath….in and out slowly…eye roll for dramatic nuance…)

I've been kicking and fighting this…this whatever this has been for 11 months now…this THING…that I’ve had going with this BUTCH…person…thing…and NO …
(*synchronized mechanical clicking cog noises here…)
Don’t you dare call her my girlfriend! I’m not commited…not in love…never will be again…not like THAT…I don’t believe in that kind of love anymore…I’m DONE…do you hear me?
(*a loud KERPLUNK here….)
D.U.N. done! I love her,…but I”ll never be IN love with her or anyone else AGAIN…do you hear me?
(*low pitched enormous WHOOSH here….)
This is ALL you’re going to get-this is it, take it or leave it…and if it‘s not enough then TOO BAD!!!
(*High pitched whistling rocket sound here…)

*Cue music...Cyndi Lauper singing…“When you fall I will catch you…. I’ll be waiting…time after time…”

Damn…
she caught me…again and again…
she set me upright on my feet where I could dust myself off, look her in the eye and say with a steady killer glare…
“Why?”

Because I love you.
“No.”
Because I love you.
“No.”
Because... I LOVE YOU.
“Oh…”

I’ve watched her prove it
Day after day…
I’ve watched her walk it out
In her gentle way…
I’ve felt it (no one’s ever treated me THIS way…)
I’ve fought it
Please…just…just go away…”
No
“Why?”
Because I love you.
“So?”
I’m not going anywhere…
“Like I care…”(snicker)
Yes you do.
“What…?”
Care.
“Why?”
Because you love me.
(300lb stones hits castle walls and completely crumbles…)
“Oh…
Shit…”

Boots :stillheart:
lkf 7/15/2011
For those military history geeks:
Trebuchet:

Another artillery piece that was similar to the catapult in mechanical function but appeared much later was the trebuchet. The first known trebuchets appeared in medieval Europe in the 12th century. The trebuchet is probably the engineering marvel of entire medieval period. Trebuchets were the only known exception to the rule that ancient artillery was technically superior to medieval artillery. The trebuchet was not only the engineering marvel of medieval Europe, but also, it probably hastened the end of the medieval period. It did this by simply ending the usefulness of medieval fortifications, or castles.

The primary difference between the catapult and the trebuchet was that the catapult used elasticity as its power source while the trebuchet used a counterweight for power. This was an advantage in earlier times when elastic materials were difficult to obtain. Another enormous advantage of trebuchets over catapults is that trebuchets did not have a stop position to the mechanism and this greatly reduced wear and tear on the machine. Counterpoise siege engines largely replaced the catapult by the middle of the 13th century.

Although nearly anything could be thrown by a trebuchet, the preferred ammunition was spherical stone shot that could be as large as 300-pounds, or 135-kilograms, according to modern estimates. The counterweight of a large trebuchet could be as much as 10 tons, or 9100 kilos, and the throwing end of the arm could be 50 feet, or 15 meters long. Some trebuchets had a hollowed out cavity to hold the ammunition while others used a sling. Slings increased the range substantially and it is believed that they had a range of at least 300 yards, or 275 meters. Another feature that increased the range of the trebuchet was the addition of wheels. It is believed that the trebuchet was remarkably accurate and it could do serious damage to fortifications of the period. Many of the medieval castle ruins attained that state because of the trebuchet. Small trebuchets were used to clear archers and crossbowmen from defensive positions.

[Bootsandheels]

If you’ve followed my blogs long enough, you will come to find out that my son who turns 18 on Oct. 27th has been shunning me for about the last 2 years.
He is a Christian fundamentalist like his dad, and he decided that since I wasn’t going to repent and turn away from my lesbian lifestyle, he had to fully shun me.
It means absolutely no contact whatsoever, and it’s been an excruciating journey for me to say the least.

As his birthday nears once again, I ponder sending him a card. Will he just destroy it or throw it away like he has me and our memories? I will send it this year regardless. It will be the first real attempt at contact from me, and I’m terrified but like a soldier going into battle for all the right reasons, I am committed to it.

I’ve been going through mothering withdrawal. I never thought that I would be ‘done’ mothering my son when he was just 11 years old, but that is essentially when he left me-when I came out 7 years ago. I have felt so many things, and bereft is a damn good word right now. It’s not like a death though…it is just torture because he is still alive and beautiful, winning national awards and basketball games as the star center of his high school team, starting to date for the first time, and so many other things that I simply do not know a thing about nor get to be a part of. I’m not sure I even remember some of his favorite things…and that grieves my mother’s heart.
He is still in contact with my parents strangely enough, and so I get this sort of window shopping feel to vicariously experience their brief visits with my son through a few pictures that he let them take of him.

With my own birthday around the corner, my girlfriend decided that I needed something to ‘mother’. Ok…..pick out a rescue she said…a small dog would be perfect for you-you can take it to work, travel in the car…yada yada yada…
Now one of the other things that you find out about me rather quickly is that I have a penchant for LARGE dogs…and….I have a rescued guard dog from Germany-a real working line German shepherd who is a rather large labor of love. She is my third shepherd and a fully trained, locked and loaded weapon that needs to be in a large 6’ high fenced compound where she is happy guarding her surroundings and not at risk of biting anyone but a nasty intruder. I cannot take her anywhere unless she is in her steel crate. Get the picture? I’ve tried re-homing her, but it just didn’t work out. Inside she is a complete goof and lovable couch potato, but outside…let’s just say that there are no less than 4 “Beware of Dog” and “Keep out” signs on the fence that surrounds her. You never know what you get with a rescue-that’s just part of the deal.

I’ve been depressed and weepy this month with both me and my son’s birthdays closing in upon me. Looking for ‘something to love’ is not exactly what I had in mind to chase my blues away. But…I began looking on “Adoptapet.com”. Ever since a Papillion dog named “Kirby” won the Westminster Dog Show for the first time in his breed’s history in 1999, I have loved this little “Butterfly dog” breed. (Papillion in French means “Butterfly” and pertains to the shape of their ears which look rather like butterfly wings.)
I started a search for papillions not sure of what I would find. I looked at purebred dogs who were hundreds of dollars and decided on another rescue-because that is what I’ve always done-rescued dogs.

I inquired about a few that I found promising, and filled out the necessary applications, with no hope or excitement. I wasn’t sure that after this hellish year of losing not only my son but my ex butch of 5.5 yrs to alcoholism I would even be capable of bonding with anyone or anything else.

We drove the 3 hours down to wine country in WA to meet this dog. His pictures were cute, and there was something about his expression that made me linger on his page. When we got there, we found a small pet grooming place out in the middle of the puckerbrush that apparently did a small rescue business on the side. I looked at the small yipping dogs scattered across an even smaller enclosure. I didn’t see him and as I kept looking I still didn’t see him…where the hell was he? Then I saw a little face peek out from behind the gal who sat in an office chair as she spoke to another couple about their new addition. There he was…my potential love child. Finally, she was done with the other couple and slowly handed him to me. I’ve only had big dogs in my life and I used to say that dogs his size weren’t dogs…they were toys. If you could sit or step on them…that was not a dog. I took him in my arms and with two licks to my face I didn’t care anymore. He was mine…and I wasn’t letting him go.
I embarrassed myself in front of all the other people who had come for their dogs by yep…crying.

I was so happy and all the pain of my son and of this last horrible year came out onto that little dog’s fur…and he licked my tears just as fast as I could cry them out. On the 3 hour ride back home, we bonded as we humans do with these creatures, that own us and master us faster than we can blink an eye and say what the f***? How they do it so quickly so effortlessly is just beyond me, and even after he escaped and took off running at a dead heat out onto 7 acres of land towards a busy street that had just claimed our rescue cat the month prior, I couldn’t’ stay mad at him. Even after we tried to get a working border collie to herd him back in, after he took on an 1800 lb Jersey steer- barking at this ridiculously large cartoon of a cow who looked at him as if he were a gnat buzzing around his hooves…I had to laugh so hard I cried again. With two peri-menopausal dykes screaming after him in a panic, we finally caught him when he stopped to eat cow shit-ah dogs…doesn’t matter the size…they still like to eat it.

I took “Leo” to work today at the senior center and of course he was a big hit…an 84 year old blind man who hardly speaks starting laughing and talking with Leo in his arms…and he brought a smile to everyone he met. I even put him in my oversized bag with his head popped out over the side and went into Target...breaking a silent vow that I had made to NEVER be one of “Those” women who did such a thing….I used to make fun of them…now I get it!
I’ve said over and over these last 3 days to everyone who meets him, “He’s a rescue, can you believe it?” What I know and now believe is that this sweet little angel with butterfly wings found… and rescued me. https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=7448052b9a&view=att&th=1331b55c15b93bb6&attid=0.1&disp=thd&zw


Boots:stillheart:

©Lkfox 10/19/2011

[Bootsandheels]

New Blog! Scroll up for the latest!

[Bootsandheels]

Bumpity Bump...Boots has a new Blog! Scroll up!

[Bootsandheels]

For those of you who follow my blog on the Dash site...here is the newest one!
Thanks for your ongoing support! Just scroll up to "Femme Rescued" :)

[Bootsandheels]

Started…
(October, 2, 2011…Sitting at my computer…the sun just going down now at 8:30 PM…hummingbirds buzz at the feeder outside the open window 4’ away, a cool sweet breeze floats in with a smell of sea air.)
Finished…
(December 18, 2011 Sunset now at 4:45 PM, chilly and wet, snuggled on the couch in my green robe and slippers with Aisha & Leo on either side of me. Thinking about my past year here on the farm, moving in two weeks time into the next chapter of my now single-again-life…)

I think most of you by now know that over this past year I took up with a goat wrangling butch. I’m sure that this simple statement conjures up a variety of ideas, and believe me I have heard all of the jokes, and been made fun of around this website on more than one occasion…it’s all good, and very much expected. But let me tell you a little bit about what my life has really been like over this past year and a few of the priceless things I’ve had the priviledge to learn while being here on these 7 acres of emerald green on this mystical Isle known as Vashon, WA.

I’ve learned that I can hold a newly weaned baby goat on my lap to comfort it upon arrival from being taken from it’s mother.
They snuggle and snore just like a puppy, and cuddle into your warmth like a baby. This is hands down one of the most precious experiences I’ve had so far-my butch in one chair and me facing hym, just having our usual end of the day conversation, but each of us holding a very sleepy baby goat that has finally stopped crying, suckling on our fingers.

I’ve learned so much about goats…I was dreading it, but really they are quite fascinating. They are dog-smart, have 4 stomachs, eat the sharpest thorns FIRST on blackberries, thistles, etc. They can die if they eat anything in the rhododendron family (which is an indigenous plant here in the NW-go figure) and must be treated immediately with charcoal, and fluids. They have absolutely NO gag reflex to be able to get the poisonous plant out of their systems…so of course the first thing they eat when they escape-which they do A LOT is go for the poisonous plants. So contrary to popular belief, goats cannot eat just anything.
I’ve learned that if you hear a goat grinding it’s teeth, it means it’s in a lot of pain…which comes immediately after the above said carnage of Rhodie plants. I’ve learned that there are many different breeds of goats…and my least favorite was the La Mancha because they have absolutely the smallest ears, and if I had to rename their breed, I would call them ET goats…they look like ET. I rather like them now, because the aforementioned baby goats were La Mancha’s…and something that strange looking in baby form just melts my femme heart…

One of my jobs this past year was to help feed and care for ALL the rescue animals on Frog Holler Farm…yep that’s the name…because frogs are prolific here in the summer months, and that’s what the folks call this area of Vashon.
I have fed, watered, chased, been chased by,knocked over and doctored up about 130 goats, 2 horses, 1-1800lb Jersey steer with BIG horns,
1 shorthorn dairy cow (rescued from the veal factory), 3 self shedding sheep called Katahdins, 2 gay male pot-bellied pigs…(yes you read that right and don’t ask please), and 3 dogs-1 crazy border collie who herds the goats, 1 rescued German Shepherd guard dog, and 1 rescued toy dog who you cannot ever get really mad at for peeing on the floor occasionally and who’s name is Leo (as in “The Lion”) for taking on the Jersey steer his second day on the farm…

I have been swarmed by bees and stung repeatedly after losing my footing trying to turn on a rusty irrigation pipe, (the nest was in the ground-who knew! Picture a femme running for her life across an open field tearing off her clothing…oh ya…hot stuff! LOL)
I have had my thumb almost bitten off by a pot bellied pig were it not for my acrylic nails, and am pretty sure I have mud on every pair of my boots and heels and probably won’t ever be able to get it all off…and if you are wondering…NO I don’t wear those to feed them all…I have a nice butch pair of Bogg boots for work around here…and when those are on my feet…you better believe I get down and dirty but in 30 mins flat can be dressed to the 9’s and girly once again… I am still one of the very few women that I have seen on this island that wears any heels at all…and I anything over a 3” heel gets comments galore…too funny.

I will miss the farm but not the mud and muck, I will miss all the amazing funny animals, but not their equally amazing smells, and antics that almost did me in at times, I will miss the goat wrangling butch who helped me heal with her amazing unconditional love through the toughest breakup in my life on record…But not her way of life.

We meet the people we are supposed to meet and have in our lives for a reason so its said…and I believe this to be true. Some we fall for, some we dearly love for just a season, and some we still scratch our head over wondering… what the hell was that?

Lessons…Experiences…Gifts. Perhaps it’s just my age now, but I see each person, each experience as precious and important. Like a chocolate sundae, I don’t want to miss any of it and want to lick the bowl to make sure I get every last bit of it all…because I don’t want to miss it…
These things that are so priceless for me to learn right now…and sometimes I don’t know it until I get ready to move on to the next adventure that I was immensely blessed to have experienced any of what I just walked through…at all.

Boots :stillheart: http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7017/6534981581_8b2f0e81b7.jpg
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7026/6534982705_08e93b934a.jpg
©lkfox 2011

[GPS]

very nice writing

[Bootsandheels]

very nice writing


Thank you so much GPS! I appreciate you stopping by to read and comment!

[Bootsandheels]

This past weekend I decided to visit my best friend and her 15 yr old son down in Portland where I used to live just blocks away. I barely made it down due to a snowstorm in the area, and ended up staying most of this week. What a blast…the kind of mini vacation you dream about…getting snowed in unexpectedly and having to tell the boss…uh…I can’t make it home safely. Which was in fact the truth, but I felt like a little kid fibbing the whole time.

Many of you who have read my stuff know that I have a son who is now 18 and who has been shunning me for being gay. It’s been excruciating at times, and always creates a sort of aching black hole in my heart where I thought only love could grow for him.

Max is my best friend’s youngest boy, a big lumbering bear of a young man whom I of course affectionately call Bear…he moves like one, acts like one but has an amazing wisdom and intuition about life. When Max speaks, you want to listen. He is the typical geek teen cookie monster and Dr. Phil with a splash of Eckart Tolle thrown in…he is simply…a very old soul in a testosterone fueled Bearish boyish body. He goes to a special technical school that can finally keep up with his intellect and keep his brain stimulated and challenged, while affording him valuable friendships and affirmation of who and what he is-a brilliant boy child soon to be a man…a large bear of a man with an equally bearish heart and mind.

Last night snow fell on Portland, and here in the rainy NW that is a godsend. It doesn’t happen often, and when the torrential rains of liquid sunshine finally…finally agree to bow down before the snow goddess and transform into the more solid graceful and beautiful form of fragile snowflakes…magic ensues and is reflected like diamond light on water. Everyone seems to inherently understand this spell won’t last but a few moments, hours or even a day or so…and so…we go.

We go out and play..no talking allowed…only screams of delight, yipping, skipping, throwing, smashing, rolling, slipping and sliding in snow…the snow-snow-let-it-snow-I’m-off-of-work-and-out-of-school so-let-it-snow-and-let-me-go…kind of snow.

Max had just left the toilet seat up AGAIN…and I had just done the fanny fall almost into the water…*&%$@!!! I marched to the foot of the stairs and started yelling up to his room..”Young man…when your Auntie is in town you WILL PUT THAT F*ING SEAT DOWN!!!”…his mom quietly smiled and said behind me…”He’s outside-in the snow…” and then laughed at me as I got my snowboots on, still steamed up and ready for the second volley of my toilet bowl litany.

I stepped out on the front porch and saw Max just peeking around the corner of the house so I started again…”Young man….blah blah blah blah!!!! Suddenly I saw that he had not ONE snow ball but an entire ARM FULL of snowballs…he started lobbing them at me one at a time giggling and enjoying the fact that I kept going with my toilet bowl speech the entire time he was pelting me in the face and chest with his snowball arsenal. Now who looked stupid… I finally came too on about the 10th snowball and it suddenly occurred to me that perhaps I should stoop down and start making snowballs myself..perhaps this was the way to get through to a 15 yr old about his toilet lid habits…pelt it into him! It was ON from “Young man!!!! and kept going until we were soaking wet, giggling hysterically and happier than we had a right to be…

I was laughing with a young man-boy…not far from my son’s age and it felt like heaven…I was a human mother unit again…I was me…celebrating some precious moments with another mother’s son…and I had to be pelted by many snowballs to wake up to the fact that my heart was still ok..still beating full of love and ALIVE…

My heart has felt like a beautiful ice sculpture when I think of my son…I’ve done this so it doesn’t hurt so much as the days, weeks, months and the almost two years now that have gone by without word or contact from him. It’s how I’ve coped.

But another son melted my heart that night…with his snowballs and giggles of delight…and yes…a toilet seat. Max said he heard every word…but I still think all he really will remember is how many snowballs it took to get me to stop talking…and PLAY!!!

Boots :stillheart:
Copyright LKF 2012

[Bootsandheels]

*Bump* *Bump* Read above! :)

[Bootsandheels]

For those who have been waiting...:) *Bump* *Bump* Read above! :)

[rustedrims]

I liked reading and waiting for more..

[Bootsandheels]

After 5 years...I felt inspired to revive my "Femme" series... Hope you enjoy...:stillheart:


So do you really exist? I’m beginning to wonder to the point of possibly giving up on this idea of a happy healthy butch-femme partnership.

No, I’m not bitter or angry at all, but I am a questioning disillusioned femme at the moment.

There is NO question that I am FEMME and always will be FEMME from the inside out from the second I was born.

I know I have had at least one lifetime as a femme because it just came all too easily to me when I came out as a late bloomer in my 40’s and met my first butch love. I knew I was HOME, I knew who I was and always had been. The key fit in the lock of the sacred femme vault and I was happily unlocked and undone.

She would say to me…how do you KNOW how to do this? How do you get me so well? It’s like you have always been a femme…yep.

I have and always will be.

I have an affinity for all things Butch-Femme and slipped into it all so easily like the vintage black lace slip I found on Ebay that year. When she saw it she gasped and said…where…did you….find…THAT?!

I have never been more feminine than when I came out and rediscovered who I really am…who I have always been.

So where are you? Are you still out there waiting for me or am I too old fashioned and too conservative for this day and age of the rapidly changing face of the magic dynamic?

Does it still exist? Please tell me it does…

My black lace slip is shoved into a drawer lost in a sea of other negligee, tired of the long wait and so am I.

Boots 9/16/17

[hopelessromantic69]

After 5 years...I felt inspired to revive my "Femme" series... Hope you enjoy...:stillheart:


So do you really exist? I’m beginning to wonder to the point of possibly giving up on this idea of a happy healthy butch-femme partnership.

No, I’m not bitter or angry at all, but I am a questioning disillusioned femme at the moment.

There is NO question that I am FEMME and always will be FEMME from the inside out from the second I was born.

I know I have had at least one lifetime as a femme because it just came all too easily to me when I came out as a late bloomer in my 40’s and met my first butch love. I knew I was HOME, I knew who I was and always had been. The key fit in the lock of the sacred femme vault and I was happily unlocked and undone.

She would say to me…how do you KNOW how to do this? How do you get me so well? It’s like you have always been a femme…yep.

I have and always will be.

I have an affinity for all things Butch-Femme and slipped into it all so easily like the vintage black lace slip I found on Ebay that year. When she saw it she gasped and said…where…did you….find…THAT?!

I have never been more feminine than when I came out and rediscovered who I really am…who I have always been.

So where are you? Are you still out there waiting for me or am I too old fashioned and too conservative for this day and age of the rapidly changing face of the magic dynamic?

Does it still exist? Please tell me it does…

My black lace slip is shoved into a drawer lost in a sea of other negligee, tired of the long wait and so am I.

Boots 9/16/17

You will find her or she you big sis, BUT she must be worthy of your inner beauty, passion, big heart, your gifts and beauty!

[Sunshine]

I cried, held my breath, laughed and my heart... I don't know, it just was all over the place. You love deeply and there's nothing wrong with that. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop and I am very glad you're writing again. I look forward to reading all you have to share.

I enjoyed your poem's very much.

As a Scorpio, I see myself in you. You're a natural thinker. Growth comes naturally to you on many levels. You are perfect, just the way you are and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

You just shine and be your beautiful self! She is out there, that much I know.

Thank you Bootsandheels and I will always ask the Universe to give you what you wish for. We all deserve to be happy, secure and loved.

[Bootsandheels]

I cried, held my breath, laughed and my heart... I don't know, it just was all over the place. You love deeply and there's nothing wrong with that. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop and I am very glad you're writing again. I look forward to reading all you have to share.

I enjoyed your poem's very much.

As a Scorpio, I see myself in you. You're a natural thinker. Growth comes naturally to you on many levels. You are perfect, just the way you are and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

You just shine and be your beautiful self! She is out there, that much I know.

Thank you Bootsandheels and I will always ask the Universe to give you what you wish for. We all deserve to be happy, secure and loved.

Thank you so much for your very kind words and encouragement! I will keep writing! 😊💖

[Bootsandheels]

It’s been a wonderful Thanksgiving…as I lay here in my bed I hear soft snores out in my small living room as 3 men sleep peacefully, their bellies full. Three years ago we all shared an apartment together for about a year. We were family.

One is my best friend who is FTM, next is his 23 year old son who dreams of transitioning some day and finally a 22 year old adopted son who is now homeless and still battling alcoholism.

We are missing one more boy…the second son of my best friend who is off on an adventure with his boyfriend in Colorado, and finally my beloved german shepherd heart dog who was incredibly dear to all of us.

I am surrounded by boy energy and I am loving every minute of it…the stinky socks, the hair that needs a good cut, the clothes that need washing…bring it.

I love it and I miss it so much.

I am a fierce femme and mother of a 24 year old son whom I have not seen for 7.5 years because of his religious beliefs. Holidays can be especially excruciating. And yet…I have been given this incredible gift again and again of boy energy…young man energy flowing in over the years to help me not feel so lost.

For a few brief hours in my small apartment bursting with blankets and blow up beds, I am found. I am validated for exactly who I am and appreciated for my nurturing, my mothering and my complete and utter femme-ness in every way, shape and form.

I am grateful, I am thankful, and I am blessed…to know what it is to be lost and truly found.

[Bootsandheels]

*Bump* for fans of the blog :) Thank you so much for the rep, PM's, support and encouragement! Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

[hopelessromantic69]

It’s been a wonderful Thanksgiving…as I lay here in my bed I hear soft snores out in my small living room as 3 men sleep peacefully, their bellies full. Three years ago we all shared an apartment together for about a year. We were family.

One is my best friend who is FTM, next is his 23 year old son who dreams of transitioning some day and finally a 22 year old adopted son who is now homeless and still battling alcoholism.

We are missing one more boy…the second son of my best friend who is off on an adventure with his boyfriend in Colorado, and finally my beloved german shepherd heart dog who was incredibly dear to all of us.

I am surrounded by boy energy and I am loving every minute of it…the stinky socks, the hair that needs a good cut, the clothes that need washing…bring it.

I love it and I miss it so much.

I am a fierce femme and mother of a 24 year old son whom I have not seen for 7.5 years because of his religious beliefs. Holidays can be especially excruciating. And yet…I have been given this incredible gift again and again of boy energy…young man energy flowing in over the years to help me not feel so lost.

For a few brief hours in my small apartment bursting with blankets and blow up beds, I am found. I am validated for exactly who I am and appreciated for my nurturing, my mothering and my complete and utter femme-ness in every way, shape and form.

I am grateful, I am thankful, and I am blessed…to know what it is to be lost and truly found.



Thank you for hosting us all. Next year I will have a place big enough to hold Thanksgiving at my place. Hopefully the woman that owns my heart will be there also. Love ya big sis.

[Bootsandheels]

“So if your husband gave this to you would you like it?” He asked me…as he held the small diamond engagement set in his nervous rough skinned fingers.
I answered very sincerely…”I would be over the moon if he brought this home for me!” He smiled a little smirk of a smile and seemed visibly relieved and quite pleased with himself. I marveled how easy it was for me to answer like I was this straight woman that was waiting on him in my new holiday job at a retail jewelry store.

Ah…my invisibility cloak becomes useful and necessary once again!
I have learned over the years how to use it wisely now, when to bring it out to protect myself or my sexuality when I don’t feel like going through the long involved process of describing “Femme” to people when all they will really hear is “Lipstick Lesbian” or when I need to fit in like the chameleon I get to be as a very straight appearing queer femme as I like to call myself.

It used to be so painful and frustrating at first when I came out 14 years ago.
I wanted so badly to be SEEN by my own community and they just…couldn’t and sometimes even when they knew I was out…wouldn’t acknowledge me for who and what I had worked so damn hard to become and just be. Didn’t they know I what I had given up? My son, got divorced, lost a 9 year job, lost my dog…the list goes on but it was worth every single loss to find myself…and my true essence as FEMME.

It’s not so frustrating now because I get it…and I know exactly how to work it…this incredible gift I’ve been given as an invisible femme.
I can be anyone I damn well please. I can fit in when I need to, and I can surprise the hell out of cute butches that I may come across or work with and make them feel special by saying…”Wow it’s great to know family works here” or my personal favorite…”Nice to see a butch working here” as I sashay away knowing their mouth is hanging open behind me LOL.

I have also been able to protect my own butch when needed and soften a hard glare or two that is directed at us both. It’s a powerful gift and a tool that I do not take for granted or use lightly.

I thought what a great job…like a lot of femmes, I love sparkly things and I happen to know quite a bit about diamonds courtesy of my grandma Hallie who was married 3 or 4 times and from the time I was 6 taught me all about her many rings and things she had acquired all over the world. She loved them as if they were her kids.

I’ve been learning far more about diamonds and gems in my new job this past week and I am struck by the synchronicity of it all. I’ve always felt that we as humans are diamonds in the rough and that our life lessons, our experiences especially the most painful ones are often the facets that we endure to sparkle and shine. It’s the cuts that make us…the facets that shape us into the true brilliance, fire and sparkle that we have naturally within all of us, that show the true essence of who we REALLY are.

I rang the young man’s precious purchase up at the register and handed him the little bag with the tissue paper just so and placed it in his hands reverently. He gave me the biggest smile ever and I couldn’t help myself…I sparkled back at him. I gushed “Happy Holidays!” and covered my mouth with both hands and giggled…imagining him…imagining her…and their moment on Christmas morning. Love is love is LOVE. Sparkle on you beautiful diamond...

[Bootsandheels]

*Bump* for those who have been waiting for the next one...and thank you for all the rep and sweet comments!

[Bootsandheels]

My gorgeous femme bi tango instructor starts the lesson “It’s your connection...to the floor, to your body and to your partner…

I have always wanted to try tango and I finally did this spring with a queer tango class. I was bitten by the tango bug and signed up for more-this time a mixed class with fear and trepidation of having to dance with men.

It’s been a lonnnnng ass time since I’ve been in man space and I seriously was not sure how I would handle it, like it or how I would feel. Just the thought of having to be that close to them, smelling them, dancing virtually cheek to cheek…omg.
I was almost hyperventilating and looking for the ladies’ room.

Don’t get me wrong…I do like men, mostly gay men and they are whom I have spent most of my life dancing with as a former ballerina and teacher. It’s the straight ones I am not so sure I’d really like to be around much, but in the tango world everybody dances with everybody-at least in a tango class setting.

I realized that I wouldn’t be recognized as a FEMME. I would be seen as just another straight woman learning tango in the room because of how I look and present. I was not in the comfort of a queer tango class which Seattle is blessed to offer and where I can at least be seen for one hour a week by my community.

I was in the straight zone, learning and dancing with straight men AND women…and I had to get over myself right quick if I was going to be serious about learning this amazingly beautiful, intimate, sensuous dance called tango.

So besides loving the art form…loving dance and being a pretty good dancer, I asked myself what the "F" am I doing here anyway? To say I was uncomfortable was an understatement.

Connection? To whaaa? (floor…my body…my partner)

Oh…it gets better.

You see in tango…you start by looking at someone’s eyes as a check in to see if they WANT to dance with you…and you want to dance with them.
(ok…butch across a crowded room we spy each other… connection…check. I can relate… just hold that image!) Breathe…move!

Then the embrace…
You meet, a hand is offered and you decide on how close you will be dancing together…open embrace (arms wide holding forearms only), semi-open (hand on shoulder and waist but no close body embrace) or closed (full on embrace torso against torso) oh god just take me now…


“Tango is about the connection…to the floor, to yourself and to your partner” she says again.
After the first coed classes I realized this was why I was so damn uncomfortable. I had to dance heart to heart with most of the people in the class and it was not easy. Yet this was exactly why I needed to be here…to break open my heart and feel again after much heartbreak and disappointment.

I needed to touch and be touched and learn to open my heart again. I needed to let down the moat and break down the castle walls that I had built up over the past few years if I was ever going to love someone again…and make sure I could actually do it.

I would go home and cry after class and show up the next week and begin again…floor…myself…my partner…connection…connect…breathe…connect…MOVE…
Let go…relax…so he’s a straight guy…if you can do this you can do anything!
“Beautiful walk!” she complimented me…I thought it was just the fact that I got to wear heels and dance but I was…finally…finally getting it.

Connection…to the floor, (ground myself and feel it)
Connection…to myself (open my heart hear it beating and feel it)
Connection…to your partner (get ready to feel it again-a new partner is coming).

The walls have crumbled down revealing my beautiful femme heart is still alive and well and tango has given me a gift…Hope.

[Bootsandheels]

*Bump* for the fans...new one! 💃

[Bootsandheels]

Last *Bump* for the new one... :)

[Bootsandheels]

Wally World

I’m calling it “PPSA” Post Pandemic Social Awkwardness. You know what I mean…It’s real. It’s a thing and it’s so damn hard to navigate!

We have been changed forever by the pandemic. We have lost so many and lost so much. We have also lost and hopefully are beginning to find ourselves again. That’s how I feel at least. I have been struggling to figure out who the hell I am now in this post pandemic world. Some things haven’t and won’t change, but so much has. It had to.

To me, it’s like the pandemic held up an enormous mirror-it revealed a lot. A lot that we really did not want to see- about ourselves, our world, everything. This mirror will not come down now, and it will continue to reveal truths that are uncomfortable but so very important for us to learn.

Moving back home to MT after a 33 year hiatus in the PNW was a huge thing, but moving into my parent’s home to help take care of my Dad who almost died the same week the pandemic hit was a total tsumnami.

Thankfully, he has recovered and while he’s only going to continue to decline, he still has some good time left. This is why I’m here, this is my role right now…helpful loving part-time caregiving daughter.

Good…step one.

Step two…learn how to talk and be around people again in a socially appropriate coherent and effective way.

Have you found yourself so damn excited to talk to some random stranger now that you actually can that you don’t realize you’re starting to ramble or talking wayyyy too fast or just a little too much? Yep…there it is…PPSA.

Some folks get it and it’s funny…not many do but I’m so grateful for the few that do. Those who don’t I have found just basically ignore me or slowly back away and disappear like I am some crazy cat lady who didn’t get out much even before the pandemic hit.

Relearning social cues and nuances is hard work! Often I find myself just slipping back into the comfort of incognito silent observant mode without the benefit of the mask.

I also realized the other day while perusing the wonderful world of Walmart that I had suddenly become unusually and uncharacteristically…shy. Again…sans mask. WTH? I have always been able to talk to anyone and am not shy and love people thank you very much. You need a greeter? A hostess with the mostess? I’m your femme baby. WTF happened to me during this pandemic? PPSA that’s what!

I was barely in the door of the store doing a slow roll with the cart I really didn’t want when I saw her. She was walking in front of me about 100 ft away or so. Her tall athletic frame was casually dressed in jeans, boots and T-shirt, black banded watch on her tan wrist. Her hair was shoulder length, straight and a beautiful shade of gray fox. She looked like many of the hard working practical ranch wives that permeate my Montana town. However…she had a bit of a swagger, that “get the fuck outta my way I’m getting shit done” kind of walk…you know the one. I love that hard earned strength and no nonsense “Don’t-give-a-shit-what-you think” attitude. It’s so.damn.hot.

But…was she? Probably not…Maybe? Should I go up and say something nice about her hair? Oh shit…nope just don’t…you’ve got PPSA so bad-don’t embarrass yourself or her…but life is short…go do it! No…I can’t I might make a complete ass of myself. How many women do you see like her? Omg…the litany of conversation I had with my invisible femme self was ridiculous. Where did my femme self go? I’ve had to hide her here-we’re not in Seattle anymore! Where the hell was my strut? I could still do it in my sandals couldn’t I? Is it safe to let her out to play? OMG…annnnnnd she was checked out and gone before I could say Damn.

Let’s talk about what cis women are like here in Montana and why it’s so damn hard to tell who might actually be any kind of lesbian or queer identifying person at all-especially if you are in my 50+ age bracket.

The Butchest looking women are typically the extremely straight ranch wives walking alongside their cowboy/rancher/redneck type husband or male partner. Truth.

Now, I don’t know for 100% certainty that they are NOT queer-that’s true, but 9 times out of 10 they are straight as an arrow. I was raised here, and things have not changed that much!

When I did run across a lesbian married couple last year, I asked them what was up in this town with the lesbian community. I said “Do they hide here?’ and she immediately said “Yes”. It’s just too conservative and redneck for most to feel safe. Most are younger married couples with kids and they stick to themselves. Even though we are in a fairly liberal college town, my community is in hiding. I’m an invisible femme…my local community is in hiding. Great.

So online I go…to find anyone queer identifying to just meet up for coffee or perhaps go hiking. I have been hit on by 20-30 yr old somethings who are “Bi-curious” and want experiences with a mature experienced lesbian. *Cue dry heaves. Sigh…I will continue to try to find some family here as I will need to stay here until my Dad passes I think.

I am a PPSA femme in a dry mountain non-gay desert. Somebody please (A butch preferably) throw me sparkly pink life preserver and tell me It will get better?!

Boots :stillheart:



PS...I never ever want to offend anyone in our community with my writings and strive to always be inclusive and sensitive to everyone here. If there is anything I need to change or learn about or consider please let me know. My door is open and I'm always interested in learning and becoming the best person and femme I can be. I'm an OSOF Femme of a certain vintage age but I always strive to be up to date, sensitive and honor everyone as much as possible!

[Stone-Butch]

Tosses out a sparkly pink life preserver with a smile that says "things are going to be just fine". All we have to do is make more lemonade. Pardon me for intruding on you thread. I hate a lady in distress.

[Bootsandheels]

Tosses out a sparkly pink life preserver with a smile that says "things are going to be just fine". All we have to do is make more lemonade. Pardon me for intruding on you thread. I hate a lady in distress.

Flashes you a huge big smile...hands you lemons, ice, sparkling water and sugar...THANK YOU!!! You can intrude anytime...;)