Beyond Owning It...

[Elijah]

I have been thinking lately that we (as a species) are very quick to point out flaws in others, but make a lesser effort at shining that spotlight on own part of what is going on.

This thread is for those brave enough to step up and own their own "stuff", but I want to take it a step further. Now that we have identified what the issue is (or your part of it) now what will you do about it? How will you affect some change in your own life?

So if it's an "ism" you struggle with, or a character flaw, or ??, here is where you can put it out there, own it, and get focused on what your next step is in some self-growth or perhaps solicit some advice from your fellow community members. Please refrain from giving advice if it isn't asked for.

Also, please remember that putting yourself out there is a very brave and difficult thing to do, so please be kind to each other. Take time to read and hear each other, and ask questions if need be.

I didn't put this thread in the red-zone because I think it's important that we behave, so that everyone can feel safe and heard.

~Elijah

[WickedFemme]

I'm currently working on 'life balance'. What I mean by that is to give equal energy to my home life and work life. Sometimes I bring my work home and it gets annoying for my partner. She is very supportive and all, but sometimes I get annoyed with my work stuff and it just gets in the way of having a peaceful evening. I would be open to some tips or advice on how to leave it there especially when things are really shitty at work. I also sometimes think that I get very self-centered when I am going on and on about work. argh! Good thread.
thanks :)

[Elijah]

I have a tendency to think whatever group I am a part of is somehow superior to whatever the "other" group is, i.e. kinky is better than vanilla, butches who date femmes are better than those who date other butches, etc., etc. and of course it's all utter nonsense. I know intellectually it simply isn't true, but sometimes My ego get's the best of Me and it's complete rubbish.

So first, My apologizes to vanilla and butch loving butches everywhere.

Second, I plan to do some self examination around these and other issues and continue to remind Myself what utter crap that is when My ego takes Me down that path.

~Elijah

[WickedFemme]

Thanks Elijah - that is such a tough one (the ego). I recall being all about being in the 'in crowd', etc. Even in the context of the bdsm community it used to be important to me. I don't know what changed for me - perhaps I just got burned out on it all or something or maybe I got more comfortable with myself. I know that now my self-esteem is much higher than it's been in years and I am very content with my life. It's just not that important to me anymore to be part of the crowd or a particular group. I found that those things didn't provide me what I really needed in my life nor did it make me feel any better about myself. Actually, it made me feel worse about myself being part of the crowd or around people who were so judgemental and mean, etc. I've simplified my life, stopped going to social events and stopped having expectations of others. Reality is a better place to live, my life is simpler with very good quality friends. I really am starting to understand that quality is better than quantify. I am also understanding that the most important things in life are not the things. Maybe it's that I am getting older and using my energy more wisely these days.

This is a great thread you started. thanks! I sure hope you were asking for a response to your last post :|

[Elijah]

Maybe you implement a system where you get X amount of time to vent about the days events when you get home, once the time is up, maybe you take X amount of time to be alone and decompress and then you both come back together and you turn your full attention back to your partner and your collective activities.


I'm currently working on 'life balance'. What I mean by that is to give equal energy to my home life and work life. Sometimes I bring my work home and it gets annoying for my partner. She is very supportive and all, but sometimes I get annoyed with my work stuff and it just gets in the way of having a peaceful evening. I would be open to some tips or advice on how to leave it there especially when things are really shitty at work. I also sometimes think that I get very self-centered when I am going on and on about work. argh! Good thread.
thanks :)

[lettertodaddy]

I freely admit my 'ism' is FtMs and how they fit into my ideas of lesbian community. How am I working on it? Listening to people. Keeping an open mind. Being honest when my preconceived notions are coming in to play. Shutting up. Watching. Learning. And hopefully through all of that, I'll find space within myself to broaden my horizons.

[WickedFemme]

Maybe you implement a system where you get X amount of time to vent about the days events when you get home, once the time is up, maybe you take X amount of time to be alone and decompress and then you both come back together and you turn your full attention back to your partner and your collective activities.


Good advice Elijah. I am going to do that.

[sweetfemme247]

I flirt to much and sometimes to forward

[Elijah]

I would ask 1. do you find this problematic and if so 2. what will you do to affect some change?

I flirt to much and sometimes to forward

[always2late]

I've found that most of my issues revolve around trust. Although the basis of this issue was given to me by others, I have to acknowledge that I DO tend to stand in my own way. By holding on to the past, and by projecting the mistrust on to other people...people who have done nothing to deserve it...I have effectively allowed myself to be imprisoned by my past. I am working on this...trying to let it all go. To find a balance between holding on to the lessons learned and letting the past stay where it belongs.

[sweetfemme247]

I would ask 1. do you find this problematic and if so 2. what will you do to affect some change?

well I seem to scare away the butches because I am, i thought flirting was a good thing

[The_Lady_Snow]

Sometimes I want and let greed sweep over me and I want to give in and have cable!!!! When this happens I've been working on making mysel look around and see what I do have and remind myself that needs are different from wants!

[clay]

I own that my exuberance and zest for life, as in "seizing the moment" and grasping opportunities as they present themselves can "overwhelm" and while I won't offer any apologies, I will continue to be myself...just as I am...I am a very loving, very compassionate, and very tenderhearted person...I want to be this way!!! Thank you for this post and opportunity!!!

[DamonK]

I recognize it's from my past.

I notice I take the blame for many things. Half the time it's not even my fault. My supervisors at work realize this and stop me. It's ingrained in me.

Now, I try to think about what happened and if I had any fault.

For example, MBE had to spend days convincing me that another's reaction to what I said was not my fault. Yes I said something that triggered, but I didn't force them to react the way they did.

[foxyshaman]

I can be two people, well more if I really thought about it. I am normally a very shy, one foot in front of the other person, creative person, a leader so not a follower. The other side of me is exuberant, someone who takes chances and never says die, very loving, compassionate.

The people who know the outgoing person can't believe I am shy. It is the outgoing side of me that has put me into the role of leader for my community. But the other introspective part of me wants very little to do with humans. It is a tight rope to walk trying to balance the "out" me with the "in" me.

I am trying to take the "in" me out more. Volunteering at events where I know no one is the one thing I am going to try this fall. I am trying to take the "in" me to places where no one knows me so that I can find an authentic expression for myself.

I am seeking more balance than I have had in previous years. Balance is a challenge to me.

[ScandalAndy]

I lack patience in heated debates when others cannot grasp the concept I am presenting.

I am easily frustrated when communication is difficult and often look for something to blame it on.

I tend to judge harshly and react with venom when I perceive that someone has been harsh to me.


For all of these things I am trying to take my time and ask myself "how much of this is me, and how much of this is them? Are there things they might be going through that I don't know about that would influence how they are interacting with everyone around them?". I'm trying very hard to be more compassionate. I'm also working on starting a new thread with a friend to discuss what I find to be major stumbling blocks in communication.

[paintedleofemme]

I have anger issues, while I control it almost all the time I know its not good and what the anger does to me and my loved ones when I loose control, not physically abusive, but verbal is just as bad.

[Gráinne]

This seems appropriate, as I usually have my New Year's in September rather than the dark and gloom of January. Everything just seems so...refreshed.

I'm sloppy. When my home is sloppy, my mind is sloppy, too. Then I find that whatever I'm doing is half-assed and sloppy, too. This feeds in to my disorganziation. I worked all weekend and well into today to get my home right. Long way to go, but I can see progress :).

I dealt with financial sloppiness, too. I went on a cash-only basis for everything but automatic pays, and set up a tracker. I think I'm spending less already.

I even have sloppiness of body. It's time to rejoin the gym (a nice one, with a pool), and get out and walk now that it's cooler.

I think it's possible to be sloppy with friendships, as well. I want more than just emails; I want snail mail, too. But I have to give to receive. I need to call my family a lot more to catch up, and the same with my closest friends. I need to really listen to my kids instead of half-listening while doing or watching something else.

Everything that I don't like about myself or my life ties in in some way with my sloppiness or laziness, and accepting far less than excellence. This isn't the example I wanted to set.

[Cin]

I don’t like to give up. Degree of difficulty for me is not a deterrent, quite the contrary. I seem to enjoy a challenge and keep at it until I’m successful. Or until I am satisfied that I never will be successful and it is in my best interest to let it go.

In theory this doesn’t sound like a character defect. However, in practice (at least the way I practice it) it really is. It is exhausting, albeit for those closest to me more than for me.

And while it is up to me how hard and how long I want to keep working at stuff, this way I have of being relentless effects my interactions with others as well. It translates into a certain doggedness that people find off putting. I am nothing if not persistent in my dealings with others. I have, more times than I care to remember, been told things like, “You’re like a dog with a bone”, “I feel like I’m being interrogated, wanna back off”, “Beat a dead horse much” and a variety of other similar sentiments. Apparently my stick-to-it- ness likes to recruit. I seem to think everyone wants to keep at something until they get it all worked out, or until they puke, whichever comes first.

I do the same thing when it comes to working through disagreements or understanding clearly exactly what someone else is trying to say to me. Or, and I am sure this is infinitely more annoying, I want to be perfectly clear regarding what I am trying to say to someone else and I want to be absolutely sure they understand. I want to keep at it until everything becomes clear. In the moment I’m so certain that everyone is invested in this.

I don’t know why I think that, since there is considerable evidence to the contrary. And it’s not like a secret I have to discover or a puzzle I have to work out, plenty of people, including my wife, have told me quite clearly (clear enough even for a clarity freak like me) that they are not interested in pursuing things until the tops of their heads explode. Yet there I am trying to make a case for why it will be fun and interesting or at least satisfying to get to the bottom of something or other. I am trying to figure out what is in it for me to keep this behavior up. I don’t understand why I can’t get it through my head nobody wants to be harassed and that’s how what I am doing feels for them. I’m really trying to not do this.

I just read this to my wife and she said and I quote “Fabulous news”.

[dixie]

I lack patience in heated debates when others cannot grasp the concept I am presenting.

I am easily frustrated when communication is difficult and often look for something to blame it on.

I tend to judge harshly and react with venom when I perceive that someone has been harsh to me.


For all of these things I am trying to take my time and ask myself "how much of this is me, and how much of this is them? Are there things they might be going through that I don't know about that would influence how they are interacting with everyone around them?". I'm trying very hard to be more compassionate. I'm also working on starting a new thread with a friend to discuss what I find to be major stumbling blocks in communication.

I haven't even posted in this thread yet but already I see "advice". lol I have the same exact issues: easily frustrated, lack of patience, use of venom.

Those are good thoughts to ask yourself. I have been trying to do the same, learning (trying) how to not allow the comments/responses of others to hit so deeply with me. I don't like the feelings of frustration and anger that I sometimes get when debating subjects that are close to my heart or deal with passionate issues for me (and oh, there are many of those). I look forward to your discussion on those stumbling blocks, because I have many issues with that as well. :)

[Elijah]

Just for clarity, advice is fine as long as the poster has asked for advice.


I haven't even posted in this thread yet but already I see "advice". lol I have the same exact issues: easily frustrated, lack of patience, use of venom.

[dixie]

Just for clarity, advice is fine as long as the poster has asked for advice.

I am aware. I wasn't giving advice. I was saying that I was coming into the thread to post my own and ask for advice, yet SA had posted some really good thoughts related to my same issue which I jokingly stated was the advice "I" was looking for (as in, there it was before I even asked). :)

[Elijah]

Ah, okay...I misunderstood you. Thank you for the clarity. *s


I am aware. I wasn't giving advice. I was saying that I was coming into the thread to post my own and ask for advice, yet SA had posted some really good thoughts related to my same issue which I jokingly stated was the advice "I" was looking for (as in, there it was before I even asked). :)

[dixie]

Ah, okay...I misunderstood you. Thank you for the clarity. *s

I totally own the fact that my written communication skills are lacking a lot of the time. I really wish I knew a way to communicate better with words than with voice. I read and re-read before posting yet things still come across in ways other than I intended. If anyone has any advice to help with this, I would really appreciate it! :)

[sara-bera]

I panic. Over silly things, usually. It's definitely better today then it was even a year ago, but I still panic sometimes.

I'm occasionally impatient. I've gotten a little better at letting the universe unfold as it's meant to. Every so often though, I still just want to "make something happen right now."

I've gotten angry twice this year. Next year, I will go the whole year without anger. I'm looking forward to it. Letting go of anger has been so rewarding.

I'm super duper, ridiculously, painfully shy. I love to talk to strangers and meet new people, but I almost can't unless they talk to me first. And heaven forbid it's someone I'm attracted to - before I speak to them, my chest feels like it's going to explode. I don't know how to work on this other than to push through it and talk to people whenever I can.

[foxyshaman]

Regarding the "in" me I had a brain spasm which brought forth a good idea to combine the out and in personalities.

I have been asked to lend my name and skills to a particular event. I agreed, the more the merrier. So, I will perform a story, which I love to do. Storytelling is one of my favorite things to do. I am all like action, funny voices, sarcasm and try to have some intuitive insight. Anyway.... I asked a friend of mine to come and share the stage with me. After I tell my story (which is an East Indian story about shapeshifting dieties and the Goddess Kundalini <excited face>) my friend and I are going to openly discuss the difficulties with being both public and private people. Each of us, in our own way and within the context of our differenent spiritual practices, will discuss coping mechanisms and struggles.

I don't know if it is such a good idea. I admit to being scared to show the vulnerable to face, to a crowd that has no expectation of such, however I feel quite drawn to expressing my authenticity from an authentic place. (redundant I know but still... :canadian:)

[Gemme]

I am a demanding bitch.

Most of the time, I'm okay with it. Sometimes I regret it. Other times, I'm extremely frustrated because others do not see things as I do.

I have control issues.

My way isn't the only way; just the best way. Being objective, I'm right about this often. Not always, but often.

I am very judgemental.

Moreso of myself than others, but everyone sees my judgement of them but rarely that of myself. I am a very harsh critic. I guess this ties in with the previous two notes.

A very simple example to give you an idea of what I mean. The toilet paper roll. When you're done with the roll, put a new roll on the thingy and the old roll in the recycling bag. Most of the time, that is not how it happens and that makes for an unhappy me. See, I can't just let the empty roll sit there on the counter or wherever it's been put. Everything has a place and there's a place for everything and that place is not on the fucking counter. So, I move it to the recycling bag. In the process of doing that, I bitch to Ebon about it not being put in the bag in the first place. He says it would have made it there eventually. I say why not do it then, when you changed it over? He says "I dunno" and I drill holes in his back with my eyes and stew in judgemental juices.

:blink:

It's a good thing he thinks I'm cute.

:eyebat:

[julieisafemme]

I am sassy. I am always right. I am stubborn. I will take you on directly if I feel I have been challenged. All of my siblings are the same way. My task for the past many years has been to learn when to keep my mouth shut and to realize that just because I am telling someone the truth about how I feel does not make it acceptable! All it does is relieve my anxiety about lying. That is not an acceptable reason to unburden myself. I have to sit with the anxiety it causes, the itch to speak.

[MissItalianDiva]

Hmm well where should I start....

First of all I can be overly critical of folks especially those who may be someone I am interested in. Things will be fine and it is almost as if I look for a reason to not be interested. It is a major flaw and issue that I am currently working on.

Another one which somewhat ties in with the first is my resistance to share my life with anyone on a personal level. I am very protective over what is mine and my world. Too much so. I realize there is a healthy limits on boundaries and it is good to establish them in order to protect ourselves but I have realized this year I have taken it way to far. I throw myself in work or my family life and lock out any potential existence of a romantic relationship. Once again I am currently processing it all and probably overthinking it but this is something I am aware of and attempting to make a conscious effort at not doing.

[deb_U_taunt]

I have expectations of myself, I would never think of placing on someone else.

I am loyal to a fault to people who haven't earned it.

I can live alone too well. (hermit)

[SoNotHer]

I hear myself in some of the words of Debby, Claybabytwo and Scandal Andy. People have and can affect me deeply, so I have begun to cultivate a way to live that does not get me clover picking down a road of "They love me. They love me not." There is work yet to be done.

I question some of my feelings and reactions now as part of that work. And when I have a nagging urge to get on a bicycle and ride an hour, like tonight, or dance around the house, or just do what my soul-that-would-be-happy wants me to, I do. And I am learning to do that regardless of whether or not I think someone is demanding my attention. Spending a lot of time alone has helped me pick up on my own clues.

And in that vein, I take on people's problems and responsibilities. I know why I'm a "fixer," and I think recognizing and acknowledging that is part of the changing process. I also believe that with self awareness comes trust. The body directs us to what we really need, like, want, desire, crave. I believe that. I just have to live that belief on a more consistent basis.

Thank you for this thread, ER. It's a good one. :-)

[Soft*Silver]

I only give verbal venom when I am backed into a corner. I wont apologize for it and wont even pretend that I want to change this. It has kept me a survivor.

what I will own is that I am hardened now, heart wise. I dont say this as reverse psychology or to lay blame or to gain pity. Not at all. I am just done with subjecting myself to further pain and relationships are where I get myself in trouble. I love what Blade said awhile back...his picker was broke. Mine is too. And I looked up picker fixers in the yellow pages and there are none. So, being hard is a safety net. Kinda like duct tape on a muffler pipe...

I am also getting stuck in my ways. I dont like change. I like what I like and how I like it. I dont want to go to the newfangled restaurant. I like where I get to eat out once in awhile. And I almost always order the same thing. Its a sure thing...

when I want something, get out of my way and dont try to talk me out of it or point out that how I am going about getting it is a bad idea. God help you if it has anything to do with horses and you stand in my way. I have had to lease back the horse I had, with the option of picking her back up again in the future. I just couldnt swing it financially. BUT, by god, I will do that. Somehow, someway. Once its a dream or a passion, I will obtain it...sometimes foolishly...

[Red Dirt Girl]

I've gotten angry twice this year.

Wow. Angry twice in 8 & a half months? That's fairly remarkable. :) I get angry far more frequently.

A few of the issues I personally lord over:

• I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to the written/spoken word. (And, surely, I will make some egregious spelling error or grammatical blunder now that I've owned up to this). It really bugs me when folks incorrectly use words like to/too/two, there/they’re/their, its/it’s and your/you’re. I also get pretty irritated by the use of the word irregardless (although, according to my version of Microsoft Word, it is, in fact, a word). Why these things bother me so much I have no idea. Others may have issues with the overuse of commas, which I’m pretty sure I offered an example of in my previous, parenthetical, statement. I’m not sure what steps I can take to change this. (Advice welcome, but I think it just kind of boils down to I’m a bit of a bitch.)

• I’m extremely self-critical and can be mean to myself. (Working on it. Always, always working on it.)

• Like ElijahRene, I too have a tendency to think whatever group I am a part of is somehow superior to whatever the "other" group is. This doesn’t seem congruent with my previous point, but it’s nonetheless true. I also tend to call this behavior out when I see/hear/perceive it in other folks. Hmmm… that’s kind of interesting to me. I will ponder more on this.

Love the thread, ER.

[Library_girl]

A few of the issues I personally lord over:

• I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to the written/spoken word. (And, surely, I will make some egregious spelling error or grammatical blunder now that I've owned up to this). It really bugs me when folks incorrectly use words like to/too/two, there/they’re/their, its/it’s and your/you’re. I also get pretty irritated by the use of the word irregardless (although, according to my version of Microsoft Word, it is, in fact, a word). Why these things bother me so much I have no idea. Others may have issues with the overuse of commas, which I’m pretty sure I offered an example of in my previous, parenthetical, statement. I’m not sure what steps I can take to change this. (Advice welcome, but I think it just kind of boils down to I’m a bit of a bitch.)


THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I am so happy you said this. All of these things drive me crazy too. I don't care if it makes me a "snob". It's just me and I will always be like this. I can't seem to help it! I can be a sloppy typist--but that's an entirely different matter. The misuse of homonyms and the invented words make me shudder. Don't get me started on "orientate" or "conversate".

(And I think your comma usage is just fine and dandy!) :glasses:

[Library_girl]

A couple of things I own for sure:

--Anything that someone tells me to "not take personally"....I usually take it personally. And in addition, I get annoyed at the suggestion to not take it personally. How am I supposed to take it? Professionally? Most of the time, they have said something personal. I admit I need a thicker skin. So then I get annoyed with myself. Ugh! The cycle!

--My mouth gets me into trouble. And even knowing this doesn't seem to stop me. The things I say will sometimes get me into hot water--at work, with family, with friends, etc. I say exactly what's on my mind, and that's not always the best idea! I need to have a more consistent internal censor. My boss had to tell me to clean up my language at the managers' meetings. Duh, I shouldn't be shouting out "fuck" in the middle of a management gathering! I know this.

--I don't handle disappointment very well. I'm not sure how it's supposed to be "handled" or dealt with, but I just think I'm doing it wrong.

[clay]

Thank you BOTH! I own much of this, as well as you post below, L.G. Can I throw in the words than/then and "congradulate"...geeshh...<smirks>THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I am so happy you said this. All of these things drive me crazy too. I don't care if it makes me a "snob". It's just me and I will always be like this. I can't seem to help it! I can be a sloppy typist--but that's an entirely different matter. The misuse of homonyms and the invented words make me shudder. Don't get me started on "orientate" or "conversate".

(And I think your comma usage is just fine and dandy!) :glasses:

[DamonK]

Ever notice I nearly always type in grey?

There's a reason.

I see things in black and white. I take things extremely literally. For example, you say you'll be there in 5 minutes. That means 5 minutes. Not 20.

I'm VERY VERY VERY black and white.

MBE gets sooooooo mad about it.

So, I type in grey to remind myself that many times there *is* a grey area and I need to try to be aware and look for it.

[atomiczombie]

I am far too hard on myself. I set impossible standards for myself to follow and then when I don't meet those standards, I bash myself. I would never expect things from others that I expect from myself. I guess I am my own self-abuser.

It's really mostly the voice of my older brother than I have internalized (and probably that mean baby-sitter I had when I was 6, and a mean 1st grade teacher too), but it doesn't make it much easier to remember that. I work on this in therapy all the time, but I don't really *do* much about it beyond occasionally acknowledging it. I really need to cut myself some slack. It's hard. My brain is so programmed from childhood to do this, it seems almost impossible to find a new way to think. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[SoNotHer]

AZ, I think some of us hear that voice. It's good that you know where it comes from. A next step would be to start to classify the kind of thought it is:

Oh looky there, another pot shot comment.

Oh, here we go with another burst-my-own bubble comment

And what do you know, here's another completely baseless self-disparaging remark that feels like a rotten tomato tossed at me.

Once you classify the thoughts, you can start to realize a type and pattern, This no only quantities and clarifies the problem, it diminishes the power of the problem.

So call these thoughts what the are. Thank them and let them go. And then follow up with a chaser of positive thought like, "Hey, wasn't I great at___ yesterday" or "I'm so thankful for _______" or simply "I'm a good person doing good things."

This takes some practice, but it does work. And you will begin to feel differently in time.

The other thing you can do is start to catalog what your body does when you have a disparaging vs. an affirming thought. Just pay attention to your body's reaction. I think you'll find it fascinating.


I am far too hard on myself. I set impossible standards for myself to follow and then when I don't meet those standards, I bash myself... I really need to cut myself some slack. It's hard. My brain is so programmed from childhood to do this, it seems almost impossible to find a new way to think. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[Nat]

Even when I wake up late, I still come here before work. I may have to remove battery and cords from computer and hide them from myself.