Ireparably Broken?

[RadiantYearning]

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

[Starbuck]

I went through a similar thing after my abusive ex-husband. I was completely numb, didn't know if I could feel love towards anyone else, much less myself, I didn't care about myself, I didn't see a future for myself, couldn't sleep, had nightmares of the same thing or similar things happening again, I just felt miserable. But the worst part was having to turn to my then partner and telling them that I didn't know if I loved them, when I knew I should. I just didnt feel anything! I was then diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You don't have to be in an abusive relationship to have it, it can happen after a car wreck too. So keep it mind, okay hon? If you feel like you need help, there is no shame in getting help!! Whether it's PTSD or depression, it's as real as heart disease or diabetes and it's not "just in your head".

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Yes been there. Emotionally abusive relationship and all. Often I said I cried until I couldnt feel anymore. I was in a bad place inside. Sometime during all the chaos I lost myself.

You are right. It is up to you,but it doesnt hurt to have a great support system. What finally helped me snap out of it was doing things for me. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do that I had missed out on. Everything from wearing skirts again to travelling. I then began a healthy routine. This helped make time for me. It wasnt until I learned to really love myself that I was able to open up to others. I just came back to life.

Every now and then I get into a funk, but I,surround myself with those I love and its healing.

Good luck on your journey. Remember, it starts with you :)

[SoNotHer]

and thank you for it. I think it is hard to make the transition out of an abusive relationship into a positive one, and all I can tell you is that I'm there. And I don't always know what will be pull me back or shut me down. But I'm learning, and I like the people who are coming into my life again and anew after a three-year vacuum.

Your name suggests to me that you hope, feel and desire deeply. So do I. All good. We just have to do what we need to do for ourselves in these interstitial places of healing.

I don't just want good or better or safer next time. I want the one who fulfills the quote I posted in the "random" thread - the one who makes it clear why the others never worked out.

Take care of yourself in this time. It will happen again. Promise. :-)

[Gráinne]

I think a better question would be, Who hasn't been there? Certainly, I have, and I know advice like "snap out of it" or "just start dating again" doesn't work.

However, having said that, there is such a thing as getting "stuck" in that protective little place, never working through things so you can move on. By walling yourself off from all feelings, you avoid getting hurt, yes, but you also miss out on life's pleasures, too. That's where professional help may be something to consider.

One thing just to think about: if you had an emotionally abusive relationship with your ex, is keeping her in your world a help or a hindrance to your moving on? Unless your ex has done a lot of work on himself, be real sure that you aren't playing the same games and patterns now.

[RadiantYearning]

Thank you, you've all had such wonderful things to say ...

Starbuck ... I met someone about a year or so ago that I dated very briefly. And you're right, looking at her and saying, I love you but I don't think I'm capable of falling in love with you broke my heart as much as hers because she was a lot of the things I thought I needed in my life. I never considered PTSD but I am currently in counseling.

LittleMs ... I'm working hard to find myself again. There are so many things that I let derail because of this relationship. My support system fell apart in the midst of it all and so my support system became my one good friend who has listened and stood by me regardless. One thing I've focused heavily on is improving my physique and working out, exercise has so many positive benefits. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm happy to hear that you've been able to heal through it all.

SoNotHer ... *big hugs* I love positive people. Thank you for your radiant words :) and I'm very happy for you. I hope your world continues to be a happy, safe one for you.

Guihong ... I'm in counseling but oddly enough I've never addressed the extent of damage from the emotional abuse with my counselor. My ex and I have remained in contact throughout the break up and even as recently as late I feel hym pulling at my heart strings in some regards. Hy claims that hy has changed dramatically but I don't see the actions to accompany the claims of change, if that makes any sense. I know that isolating myself from hym, at least long enough for me to heal, may very well be something that I have to do.

Thank you all for sharing and caring with a stranger ...

[SoNotHer]

My pleasure, RY. I have found that working out again and focusing on my health has been a great way to reclaim something.

After a period of less and less contact, I finally had to get to the place of no contact with my ex, thus ending everything but the memory of the abuse, which is enough to deal with. I guess I had some notion that there could be a soft landing, but at some point, it was clear to me every communication, regardless of the content, was taken as a sign that we might get back together.

Do what's right by you and for you. That's all you really owe anybody. And put that big love into things like working out, or painting, or long walks, or visits with friends or whatever you know will bring you joy without guilt, shame or pain.

:-)

[RadiantYearning]

I guess I had some notion that there could be a soft landing, but at some point, it was clear to me every communication, regardless of the content, was taken as a sign that we might get back together.

It's amazing the similarities in situations. After I had ended the relationship, very straight-forward and very specifically, my ex still considered that I was cheating on hym when I started dating this other person months later. I ended the new relationship because my heart was still aching for my ex, despite the damage that had been done. I think about this ended relationship a lot lately and how much I hurt that other person who was an innocent person in my disaster. I think about whether or not my ex has changed as much as hy says hy has.

So much damage has been done that I am cold hearted now. I want to be able to love with heart and soul again. There have been times when I see a glimmer of hope ... but then other times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever be capable of giving myself wholly to another again.

[SoNotHer]

It's amazing the similarities in situations. After I had ended the relationship, very straight-forward and very specifically, my ex still considered that I was cheating on hym when I started dating this other person months later. So much damage has been done that I am cold hearted now. I want to be able to love with heart and soul again. There have been times when I see a glimmer of hope ... but then other times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever be capable of giving myself wholly to another again.

I would have had the same response, RY. As much as this sounds like a cliche, love became obsession/possession. And anything and everything I did for my own self was construed as some kind of betrayal.

My soul had stopped growing, and I knew every time I was abused, some part of me went under. I did not think about resuscitation. I did not think about resurrection. had no idea I would ever need to think such stuff. I thought I was resilient. I thought I could take it all. I thought, I always thought, things were always just about to get better.

All I can tell you is that the quality of the people I am meeting now is far superior to anything I knew or let myself experience. I don't know how much of me is still buried, is still lost. But when dear friends start coming back into me, friends who my ex alienated, and they tell me that they are seeing the return of me, I take that as a very good sign.

That you are even asking this and reaching out to people is a very good sign. There's a part of you that very much wants to believe again. And with your wits about and the lessons of this learned, you will find that shining knight. Truly. :-)

[RadiantYearning]

Truly, what torments me more than anything tonight is the person that I hurt in all of this. I've been having nightmares about her and thinking about her. I remember the tears rolling down her face when I told her that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her ... she said to me, but I am in love with you, what went wrong? I had no answer for her. I have this urge to email her and apologize but I don't know if there's any point to that ... such a haunting night for me.

[SoNotHer]

Truly, what torments me more than anything tonight is the person that I hurt in all of this. I've been having nightmares about her and thinking about her. I remember the tears rolling down her face when I told her that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her ... she said to me, but I am in love with you, what went wrong? I had no answer for her. I have this urge to email her and apologize but I don't know if there's any point to that ... such a haunting night for me.

What is the worst that would happen if you did email her? She might be angry with you or not respond at all. But at least you let her know. And I am sure some part of her knew that you were in this place. But she may also really welcome hearing from you.

You may have read Arwen's tarots posts. They're quite good. One of them for my sign was about cycles and about letting go of a love to let love come in again and cycle. It was also about helping other people.

I think love does cycle, and sometimes the things we do show an immediate effect, and sometimes they just plant a seed. If you contact her, it may give her some understanding or at least resolution, and if she's angry with you, just know that that will pass and that that's where she needs to be.

If you're still thinking about this and even haunted by it, you may both have a much stronger connection than either one of you realize.

[apretty]

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship?

In addition to feeling disconnected from people and myself I also felt completely unwilling to try again, let alone let anyone else into my heart.

Finally, I sought therapy and began working on myself--I also had to look at what made me stay with that disgusting, lying, cheating, pig-fucker, and own my part in choosing someone like that and allowing it to go on as long as it did. Thankfully I had an amazing couple of therapists and it's been about 5 years now and it seems like a lifetime ago.

Also, I learned from my mistakes and didn't repeat the same ones: When people came into my life--Kindness, honesty and integrity mattered most. I was highly critical and won't apologize for it--I didn't stand for lies and inconsistencies and I didn't want my time wasted, or theirs. I was looking for different things when I dated--someone that I could trust, eventually and someone who wouldn't rush my process--If they didn't allow me that then it wasn't a match. Thankfully E came along and I love that someone is always on my side, even when we absolutely disagree--He's always "for me."

[*Anya*]

Interesting thread. I know what has shaped me to be the person I am, I have insight into myself, my behaviors, how my thoughts impact my actions but yet, too many times I found myself back in the same place, saying WTF- u did it again?!

Physical/emotional abuse by parents/marry @ 18 to escape their prison to move into a new one with my physically/emotionally abusive bio husband, fell in love with my first GF but someting was missing- oh yes, she treated me like a queen. Unused to it. She was a dear but she was a femme and I didn't feel that powerhouse sexual attraction.

Then I met my butch. Instant attraction. She was so bright, funny, charming, 3rd year law school (till the frontal lobe brain tumor took her logic, ability to make good judgments away but left her with lots and lots of id-the Fruedian type of id- where she would fuck any hot girl possible, followed bybtears, apologies, it will never happen again but it did, couples therapy, piles of emotional abuse for me and my two daughters that couldn't help but know the house was so tense it could have been cut with a knife. Yes, I took my daughters to counseling too, even though they hated to go. They needed a healthy place to process to.

Numb, yes, pretty much for 6 years. I haven't even really dated all this time.
It seems so simple to tell someone: just take a chance. That my be easier to say if 50% of the chances you have taken in your own life were good ones. It is not so easy when 80% of those chances were bad ones for you.

I am not totally numb now. I see sparkles of light coming through my living room curtains. I saw the sun shine on the water and heard the waves yesterday. I was reminded that there is still life to live. I don't exactly know how yet but have to believe that there is one more woman for me out in the world that I can fully trust and again open my soul up to some fresh air.


I know this has not been a good day for me. The loss of my dogs is a trigger for me of abandonment-that I know. The whole thing is like a giant ball of yarn in all different colors. Each strand represents a loss I have had. I should probably put it on a barge and drop it in the ocean (as long as not harmful to fish, etc that live in the ocean). Maybe I will do one for myself, symbolic of the losses & then set it on fire or something. Have to give that thought.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't sleep, it's 11:36pm and I have to go to work tomorrow. Good night.

[macele]

these are things i know for sure.
no advice here, just sure things.

we have to get rid of the junk that is bringing us down.
then our hearts can move on, heal ...
be grateful, thankful.

we can fall in love again, ...
with a person, place, or thing.
the heart needs to detach and reattach.

the heart doesn't ask permission to love/to fall in love.
even those that don't deserve.

timing is everything. a time to stay, a time to leave, etc.

ask for help.
whether it's professional
or from those everyday angels that are waiting
to pick us up and give us a soft shove in the right direction.

fear comes in so many shapes and sizes.
happiness can't live in fear.

our entire beings tell us when we need change.
we know. but sometimes we've let it build up so high
before we try to change ...

feeling unworthy, mistakes, feeling like we can't ever be the same,
like we've screwed it all up so much ... why try --
we hurt and we go numb thinking that will stop the hurt.
we feel overwhelmed.

we are special. you are special.
i hope that you reconnect with your heart soon.

[Sachita]

I spent almost 3 years in a haze of anger, sadness and loneliness. I decided to channel all of that into something positive for my life and focused on my home and businesses. After a few years I did date some but nothing held my interest or came close to what I had.

But there was someone who woke me up in a very deep passionate way. It was intense and I felt myself come alive with passion like nothing ever before. But it was crazy and for years a bit insane. I often said if I could combine these two people I would have the ultimate mate.

My salvation through both of these is meditation. I turn inward and build emotional strength within me. I try not to focus on how I feel about others and when others move into my emotional space I quickly move them out unless that are feeding my spirit. These days is much quicker probably because I feel weaken by this last love/lust interest. It's a hard thing to shake even though I know loving hym always hurts me. But pain brings growth and change. In fact I am convinced that all love, even painful is intended to teach us to love ourselves if we chose to allow it.

[Amber2010]

I spent years disconnected because of betrayal and hurt from someone I loved with all my heart. Still to this day this seems to happen to me. The ones I trust the most seem able to hurt me the most. I think sometimes I trust to much and love unconditionally that I put myself in these situations. I do finally try to focus on myself. I can't change how this person acts or feels towards me I can only change my attitude and try so hard to move on. Exercise is a release for me. It helps me sleep and get through the night without thinking what did I do to derserve this. I am trying to tell myself I didn't do it that if I can't be accepted as I am I must move on and not let my life be ruined by this person. No matter how much I love her I must move on. It is just so hard to do!

[nobelcarrot69]

I don't know anyone here and I'm just starting out on this site. But if I may share my experiences for what they are worth. I hope I'm not crossing a line being new here. Yeras ago I was with a compulsive liar. Typical story I suppose, although nothing seems typical when it's YOU it happens to. She contantly lied about everything, cheated on me, and sucked me dry financially. Left me to clean up all the messes she created. I was angry, brokenhearted, confused, depressed, I felt so many different things on any givien day but none of them were pleasant. I was overwhelmed with grief and knew after 5 months of not making any leeway, I needed help. After 3 years of therapy I see things for what they are and I am a better person for it. I am so glad I sought help. Maybe you should try that, it worked for me.

[Soft*Silver]

I am there right now. I have a re-occurrence of PTSD, from what I am told. I had a severely abusive relationship in my early 30s and after a string of pretty bad relationships this decade, I am re-experiencing the trauma from the original one. I have tried to have relationships since that last string but found i couldnt trust, and got all squirrely in my head. The fear was overwhelming.

I have a great compromise. I have a sweet submissive who is able to wonderfully deal and not tread on my issues. Its very therapeutic for me. Wholesome even.

I have a friend I love so much but it remains a friendship because, amongst many things, I am so broken. I have discovered over time that I can only love as a friend. Not as a lover....

I would rather cut off my hand than try to have another relationship. Seriously. Ask someone to go stand in traffic...same response.

I dont want to change. Its safer here. I am happier here.

[Novelafemme]

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

{{{{RY}}}}

Breakups are so difficult. I haven't gone through many, but the three I have been through were each unique, exhausting and filled with a ton of opportunities to learn. The most difficult was when I decided to leave the father of my two children. We had been together for 15 years and had practically grown up together. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and so it took years for me to trust my own instincts and not rely on someone else when it came down to making tough decisions. I also was desperate to please him and thought that if I could make him happy all the time he wouldn't find cause to be cruel. The bottom line is that you can virtually kill yourself trying to make someone else happy and in the end it isn't worth your time and energy if they don't do their share.

It sounds like you still have some letting go to do. And I know this isn't easy. The most trying part (for me) of any breakup I've been through is the missing part. Followed by the "did I make the right decision" part. Punctuated by the absolute fear of completely letting go part. I remind myself often that I am right where I need to be and that the universe knows what is best...for us all. Sometimes, even when we think we are in the driver's seat, it's best to just let the universe take over and chart the course of our lives.

As far as liars and being deceived goes...I have been on the giving and receiving end of both. I have been the cheater and the cheated on. I have lied and been lied to. I have made some piss-poor choices and have hurt and been hurt. What I have learned from ALL of it...the good, the bad, and the ugly...is that #1. I will never again be with someone just because I am afraid of being alone. I would rather be lonely but secure in being who I am for the rest of my life than try to live up to someone elses expectations of me (however realistic or unrealistic the expectation(s). #2. Opening yourself up to love also means opening yourself up to hurt...and in order to find love you must be willing to get hurt. It's just the natural order of things. #3. Just because I am nice does not mean I am anyone's punching bag. Mutual respect and truly being able to listen and be non-judgmental are absolutes. Most everything else is negotiable...and I say that because after having gone through the relationship difficulties I have, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are no absolutes. I admire people who can use the "never" word as their daily mantra, but for me it is unrealistic. And the moment we have unrealistic expectations of others is the moment we make our worlds, lives, and potential loves and happiness all the more unattainable.

[RadiantYearning]

(((( Everyone ))))


Thank you all for your incredible support. I have listened to everyone's wise words and taken some very good advice. I'm going to write my ex and apologize, but I'm going to take my time and make sure that I say exactly what I want to say, the way I want to say it. I'm prepared for the backlash but I need to do this to put my inner self at peace.

I did ask the ex who has caused me so much pain to step back and let me heal. I guess that's the first step. Next, I'm going to really address my issues about that emotionally abusive relationship with my counselor.

Thank you all again ... it's amazing what clarity comes from writing it down and seeing things in front of me instead of floating around in my head.

[SoNotHer]

I'm proud of you, RY. And you should be proud too. Thank you for opening up this question and thread. It helped me. :-)

(((( Everyone )))) Thank you all for your incredible support....Thank you all again ... it's amazing what clarity comes from writing it down and seeing things in front of me instead of floating around in my head.

[Bootsandheels]

Hi RY, I just wanted to offer this poem in a series of mine that I'm calling "The Ex-Files". This is one of three and is the most recent. It is one of my final "layers" I think to this process/feelings that I know so well! I hope you will enjoy-writing has become my healing therapy, and many tears were shed in it's making...Big femme hugs and love to you!

Femme Rooted (Endless…)

When does it end…these gut wrenching sobs…
With pain so deep my need to breathe is robbed
An endless ache of sleepless nights with no dreams
A black hole of sky
A cold moon without her moonbeams…

When does it stop?
(How did it start?)
endless memories of you and me…

So happy…so desperately in love…never dreaming we would
Ever be apart
(someone jumpstart my heart…please…just jumpstart my heart…)

Why can’t we pull out those deep roots of love-
the ones that go so far down…
we never know where they really go…
but they go…
and they grow…

growing deep down to the beautiful place…
The beautiful-unconditional-love-place…
The beauty-within-ourselves (and others)-place…
The have-no-words-(don’t need any)-for-it-place…
No-address-or-map-for-this-love’s journey or destination place…
A place…to call Home…
yes that we might…just might (get to) come home…

Still it grows and it goes…
deeper and deeper still
Anchoring and curling…
back around our hearts securing…
battening down hatches and tightening latches
against a storm’s rage and tidal waves
From the world and how we each behave…
(Towards one another…)

When did it start
(Will it ever stop?)
This endless love between you and me…

So alone…dreaming of lost love…
never dreaming we would be apart-
(someone jumpstart my heart- please…just
Jumpstart my heart…)

Why can’t I pull out these deep roots of love-
the ones that go so far down
I never know where they really go…
but they go…
and they grow…
Growing deep down through the pain back to love place
The beautiful-unconditional-love-you-always-place…
The beauty-to-love-myself-and-love-(someone new)-place…
No-address-or-map-for-new-love’s-journey-or-destination-place…

A place… to call Home…
yes that I might…just might (get to) come home…

Still it grows and it goes…
deeper and deeper still
Without my permission
or any willing submission
I’ll fall down and lay down
New seedlings of my love
And show the world how it’s done…
That my roots of love won…

Boots lkf 9/2011

[SoNotHer]

in the quest to recover the heart's courage? :-)

[Scrappy L'il Southpaw]

RadiantYearning,

Thanks for starting this thread and opening yourself up. That is uber special. I'll keep you in my thoughts for your healing and opening your heart again.

[T D]

I think you're a very brave person to pursue this topic. It takes guts to look at ourselves and ask for input from others. Lots of Kudos to you!!

I was in a relationship that I was lied to during the entire 2 years of it. Lies about everything basically. Since it was such a foreign experience for me I had a very difficult time 1.) truly understanding and believing what was happening while it was happening, and 2.) that it had actually happened after it became so blatantly obvious that I had no choice but to acknowledge what was going on and deal with it.

What happen for me as a result is that I seem to have somehow emotionally shut down. I just can't get involved with anyone, I feel close to nothing and trust no one anymore. It's really sad, and honestly has left me feeling very broken. This took place over 4 years ago.

You may move past your current status with more time, and perhaps meeting someone truly rare, patient, and authentic. I think the only way you will know is with time. I can say for myself that I believe it will take someone with these characteristics and much more to ever get me to come around again.

What I find so profoundly sad about situations like this, is how badly people can and do emotionally (and physically) injure others, and seem to think very little to nothing about it. It makes me wonder what the world has come to, and just how emotionally disengaged from our actions we have become as a society. Very sad indeed!

Interesting topic. Thanks for starting it!

All the best to you too!

[Bella~Vita]

My experience in dealing with a broken heart is I have so much trouble with trusting. What is sad too, sometimes because of the scars left from previous failed relationships you get so numb that you pass up some good people. Because of the fear and I know this but still I don't have that same energy as I did before . Therefore I stay single because I know deep down I can't give that 100% anymore. I'm ok with it I've learned to live with it , and now I have other things I do to compensate . No it's not the same but it's doable. I'm grateful for my lessons . Do I have regrets ...yes a few ... can't change it , only learn from it. So I enter a time in my life where I finally realize ... that the love I searched for was right here all the time ... inside of myself . And I'm grateful to have loved during this lifetime.

[macele]

Still it grows and it goes…
deeper and deeper still
Without my permission
or any willing submission
I’ll fall down and lay down
New seedlings of my love
And show the world how it’s done…
That my roots of love won…

Boots lkf 9/2011


mighty fine writing. thank you for sharing.

[Nat]

I went through a numb period that lasted 11 years. When I was 10-11, I was sexually violated by an adult I loved and trusted and believed in. It was too much to process and I just put it away in the corner of my mind/heart and tried to act normal. At 14-15, i had a boyfriend who was regularly physically and mentally abused by his scary drunk dad. I wanted to save him, but could not. He was a good kid. But at some point he took a bad turn. We broke up, and a few months later he stabbed somebody almost to death. He was tried as an adult and sentenced to 20 years. It was some time around then that I went numb. I couldn't process everything there was to process. I would sit down to write, and the stuff I would write was sad and morbid and angry, but I was so disconnected from it. I didn't know what it meant, I didn't feel it. It would just bleed onto the page. And I struggled to know myself, to be myself, to be authentic while at the same time playing the role expected of me by my family. I didn't have any faith left in my own goodness or anybody else's. I was incapable of love. Or distanced from love. I'm sure I've said thousands of "I love you's" that sounded like lies to my own ears. I said "I love you" and it as like another person in the room had spoken it. I was very distant from myself and my feelings. It was 6 years ago, the numbness broke. I left my ex-husband. I came out. My life had feeling in it again. Plenty of heartbreak. I'm not numb anymore, though I struggle a great deal with mood - depression, anxiety, anger, distrust. My last relationship was volatile, and I've found that since it ended, I have become more like the person I was with. It's like I downloaded a portion of him into who I am. And really maybe on some level that's true whenever you know a person at close-range. And part of that download was awesome and part of that download was destructive. I do have symptoms of PTSD, though not nearly as severe as I've seen. I have anxiety now - which I didn't have before at this level. But I'm not numb. And I can love. It was wonderful to realize the ability to love had returned to me after such a long time. I don't know if I could have sped up the process, but if I could go back and give myself some advice, I would say (I think),

"Do not ever think you are irreparably damaged. That thought can only harm you."

and

"When you do loving things for yourself, you will increase your ability to love and to feel loved. Even if you feel numb, going through the motions of caring for yourself can help a lot. Be your own sanctuary and be your own light, and do your best to be honest to yourself and to others, even if it's hard to break the mask you've learned to wear so well."

and

"The things that happened were beyond your control, but the wounds you carry are your responsibility now. The past is not negotiable, but the actions you take today can make a profound impact on your tomorrow."

But if I'd heard all that, I'd think it was trite and keep following my long hard path. On this long road, I have figured out that I can terrify myself with morbid and fatalistic thoughts. I can drown in feelings of despair, of brokenness. I used to think it was dumb when people would talk about keeping an eye on your thoughts, of choosing not to think about some things, but since anxiety has crept up on me I have found this to be a necessary survival skill. If I find myself reliving past trauma, I stop myself. Most of the time, it's the "what if I'd done this or that" that leads me back there. I know what happened in my past, but I only recently decided I WILL NOT keep reliving it because it retraumatizes me and deepens the grooves. I am responsible for me and to me, and I would rather put my focus on being the kind of person I want to be than thinking about the person I would have been if my life had left me without scars.

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded. I have no idea why I'm up so late. I just wanted to say I know numbness. I don't know if I could have left numbness behind earlier than I did, but looking back I can see the ways I courted my numbness by reliving trauma, by isolating myself, by um internetting too much, by eating too much, by drinking (and other substances) too much, by not investing in supportive, encouraging friendships, by allowing myself to identify heavily as a victim rather than a responsible adult in charge of my emotional and mental health, and by not allowing myself hope or trust that the numbness didn't have to be a fact of life forever.

I hope this makes sense. It's way past my bedtime. Happy healing. :)

[ScandalAndy]

I have to admit, I noticed this thread when you first posted it, but for some reason avoided clicking on it. Now I think I know why.

I've been "doing the work" as everyone is so fond of saying around here. Being very blunt with myself about the bad relationship choices I made in the past, and trying to figure out how not to make those mistakes anymore.

Reading through this thread, each new post and paragraph was like having a HUGE mirror held up in front of my face. I identify and sympathize so much with the pain everyone is sharing, and I am finally understanding the depth of the damage that has been done to me. It surprises me how many different people in my life I see echoing through these stories, and how similarly we have all suffered. I am disappointed with myself, and kind of shocked to admit how many abusive relationships I've been in. Was deluding myself about that part of my numbness defense? I am trying to learn how not to beat myself up over it, and to forgive myself. It's a double whammy to be with an abuser, while abusing yourself.

If I had come here before I was ready, I would have been overwhelmed. Today I feel more inspired to keep working hard to get past all the unpleasantness in my head, to learn how to be kind to myself. Before, I was doing it because there were people who showed interest and led me to believe if i only tried harder, I would be able to be with them. I didn't want to disappoint them, or lose out on the chance for love, so I pushed myself before I was ready. No more. I am keeping track of my motivations for changing myself, and if I'm not doing for me, then I'm not going to do it at all.

Thank you, all of you, for reminding me that there is nothing wrong with taking the time I need to be okay with myself, as long as I never stop poking around in those dark corners and keep moving forward. You are all so brave and amazing. It takes so much strength to look inside ourselves, and then to share that. Thank you, RY, for starting this thread. I hope that it helps everyone as much as it has helped me.

[JustJo]

I just finished reading a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.

http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585428485


It's been pretty eye-opening and life changing for me.

For years, I have berated myself for my "failed" relationships and my inability to find and stay with "the right" person.

No more.

The authors talk about the three basic attachment styles....secure, anxious and avoidant. None are wrong or bad...they just are the way we are.

I'm an anxious...which means that I am just that...anxious. I need reassurance, steadiness, commitment and someone who will be patient when I get fearful and my old "stuff" kicks up. It means I need a secure.

I was raised by an avoidant and, to me, the crazy drama and "on again, off again" style of an avoidant is what I interpret (in my anxious little head) as "love." When a secure (and, yes, in hindsight I've dated a couple) does their normal secure stuff....I think they don't love me because it's too calm, and too normal.

As a result...I've been with avoidants almost all of my adult life.

Avoidants want love and relationships as much as the rest of us do, but they also need more distance and space....and when things get close, they push away, view it as controlling or criticism, argue or accuse, etc.

The anxious / avoidant pairing has the highest failure rate....because as a connection grows the avoidant pushes back, the anxious panics and tries to get closer....and the vicious cycle begins.

Damn. I wish I'd read this book a long time ago.

Needless to say, I recommend it. :rrose:

[RadiantYearning]

I haven't been back to this thread in a while ... I wouldn't even have found it tonight if I hadn't seen a thank you in my "user cp" link, lol. Sooo not thread savvy!

You're all amazing ... and the support, sharing and advice that all of you send is so very greatly appreciated. Thank you for opening up to share your own experiences, beautiful poetry, relationship styles, everything else that didn't fit into those categories.

The other day I made my facebook status, "I don't even have time for the nervous breakdown that I so greatly deserve." I found that on a website somewhere. That's how I feel lately, stretched so thin in 10,000 different directions. I think I've buried myself in other things to do, in part, so I would have a good excuse for not being able to get involved. I've also buried myself in my children, my fail safe source of love, affection and absolute sunshine ... at least that can never be a bad thing.

Someone told me the other day that hy doesn't think I'm broken, hy just thinks that the right person hasn't come along and I'm rightfully selective. I may agree to some extent but I think there's a little more to it. I definitely have learned that I won't ever settle on someone who doesn't possess the traits that are, for me, non-negotiable.

So on a positive note, a friend who I haven't spoken to in about a year has come back into my life. This makes me happy and makes me smile a lot :)

Thank you again and I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend ...

[Scuba]

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Radiant...there are more if you need them :)

[ButchEire]

I'm not sure if the book is suggesting that someone who has an insecure attachment style should seek out someone with a secure one, but this simply won't happen. A person who exemplifies genuine secure attachment won't engage in a relationship with someone who isn't. It's counterproductive and counterintuitive to the nature of secure attachment.

I just finished reading a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.

http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585428485


It's been pretty eye-opening and life changing for me.

For years, I have berated myself for my "failed" relationships and my inability to find and stay with "the right" person.

No more.

The authors talk about the three basic attachment styles....secure, anxious and avoidant. None are wrong or bad...they just are the way we are.

I'm an anxious...which means that I am just that...anxious. I need reassurance, steadiness, commitment and someone who will be patient when I get fearful and my old "stuff" kicks up. It means I need a secure.

I was raised by an avoidant and, to me, the crazy drama and "on again, off again" style of an avoidant is what I interpret (in my anxious little head) as "love." When a secure (and, yes, in hindsight I've dated a couple) does their normal secure stuff....I think they don't love me because it's too calm, and too normal.

As a result...I've been with avoidants almost all of my adult life.

Avoidants want love and relationships as much as the rest of us do, but they also need more distance and space....and when things get close, they push away, view it as controlling or criticism, argue or accuse, etc.

The anxious / avoidant pairing has the highest failure rate....because as a connection grows the avoidant pushes back, the anxious panics and tries to get closer....and the vicious cycle begins.

Damn. I wish I'd read this book a long time ago.

Needless to say, I recommend it. :rrose:

[sarahwho]

I think it takes time! I have also been in an abusive relationship....the first years away from it I was numb and far removed from anyone that I could push far away! I couldn't find "me"! And then thru counseling I found "me" again....it's taken a LONG time for me to even consider dating again, though I've finally decided it's time! I had to work thru each abusive memory slowly and safely to be able to heal each piece enough to be able to in a way bury it as though it were dead and no longer able to hurt me!

Perhaps a relationship soon after the first breakup would be considered re-bound RadiantYearning.........you weren't ready for something new. NOT that you meant to hurt them, but you at least knew that you couldn't give them what they needed!

[RadiantYearning]

(((((((( Scuba )))))))) Scooby hugs, best in the world :)
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Radiant...there are more if you need them :)

[Passionaria]

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly, all of you. I needed to hear your stories so I could understand a loved one. Your bravery has helped me a lot........... Blessings on your journey back to YOU.
:vigil: Pashi

[girl_dee]

I've always felt bent after a relationship, but not broken. Katrina, now that broke me. My spirit has never been the same since. Although breakups are hard, they do exist. I can bet that almost every single one of us can look back and say *I knew that was not going to work*. Did we get the facts and look at them? Did we ignore certain behaviors? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Two people tried, it didn't work, hopefully you can both learn a valuable lesson in that and move on, then you will be ready when the one comes along that does really work for you.

I don't believe we are all meant to be with one person forever, and I don't regret a single experience, I do regret however staying too long when I knew things were bad and allowing myself to be an enabler to others' critical issues. I have this need to *fix* people. You cannot fix people that don't want the help, and you must fix yourself before you can fix anything. It IS however easier to try to fix another person, than yourself. I've loved and shared my life with some very incredible people and also learned that there is only so much I can deal with, regardless of what someone else's issues.

[CockyDude]

Irreparably broken? Unfortunately yes some things are. That is because of choices we or someone else made. We also choose to mourn, regret and/or not be able to move on. I personally choose to regret nothing regardless how painful. I view it as a learning experience. If I learned nothing, shame on me because I'm bound to make the same mistakes and endure the same pain again. Having said that, when we try to move forward and open our heart and soul to someone else, it's not fair to lay our emotional baggage on that person. Love like life is a constant learning curve and a great risk. Someone once said "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I feel that is a very profound statement. The heart wants what the heart wants. We all deserve to be happy. To be loved.

[ruffryder]

I think we all have a disconnect when getting out of a relationship, especially an abusive one whether it be emotional or physical. You go back and forth with your feelings and may blame yourself or wonder what you could have done differently. In reality, it's not your fault. This is what we need to learn to realize and let go of. Also, forgiveness for what the other person did. This is the longest time I have been single in relationships, going on over 2 years now and I still struggle with it. I am a stronger person because of it however. I have taken these 2 years to discover myself and find my peace and happiness in life. I have not let very many people into my space. I think you may need to give it time. There may be people interested in you, but if you are not ready you will not be able to offer them the emotions and love in return that is required in a relationship if you still feel a disconnect from your previous relation. I don't think you are broken either, but you do need some healing and time for yourself. The right person will understand, respect that and be by your side for that support. Only you will know when it is time again. Thanks for the thread. Hang in there and don't be so tough on yourself. Enjoy life and all the wonderful things it offers.

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

I have experience very dysfunctional relationships especially one going back 13 years ago it was a roller coaster but boy did I love her !! every time we fought we made up with unbelievable love making and weeks of outings to the musical theaters ,gifts and dinning in fancy restaurants. This lady had my heart and body in the palm of her hands for 7 years of on and off on and off.

It finally was off and I felt like I was detoxing from an addiction. I stayed single for 5 years,it took me 5 years to finally be able to move forward and finally meet my ex.

I tell you that after being in such a crazy passionate dysfunction I welcomed sanity and peace !!! I learned what a sane healthy honest loving relationship is.

I am now starting a new journey with a special lady and I am grateful for the learning experiences the bad and the good that these two ladies brought to my life.

Trust me the universe will attract to you the person you deserve, Be yourself a good human and open your heart. Same attracts same.
my 2 cents.

[JustJo]

I'm not sure if the book is suggesting that someone who has an insecure attachment style should seek out someone with a secure one, but this simply won't happen. A person who exemplifies genuine secure attachment won't engage in a relationship with someone who isn't. It's counterproductive and counterintuitive to the nature of secure attachment.

Hi ButchEire...and sorry it's been so long before I responded. I haven't been back in the thread until today and didn't see your post.

I have to respectfully disagree.

Attachment style is important, no doubt...but it is far from the only factor in attraction or relationships. I could point to numerous examples....first being my dearest friend, clearly an anxious, who's been married to the same securely attached man for over 20 years.

Sure...it may mean that their relationship is more work than a secure/secure attachment...but it doesn't invalidate it. And, over time, she has become more secure herself because she is getting the stability she craves and needs.

You're making a pretty absolute statement there...and implying that the only factor in a relationship is attachment style. I think there are others...like chemistry, shared values, common interests, shared lifestyle preferences...

Saying that people who are securely attached would only pick another secure implies that they would be ignoring all of these other factors...which I sincerely doubt. Do you pick your relationships based on how easy or logical they are? How secure the other person is? Or do you pick someone that makes your heart sing and swell?

I know how I pick.

But then again, I'm an anxious....

[DapperButch]

I'm not sure if the book is suggesting that someone who has an insecure attachment style should seek out someone with a secure one, but this simply won't happen. A person who exemplifies genuine secure attachment won't engage in a relationship with someone who isn't. It's counterproductive and counterintuitive to the nature of secure attachment.

Hi, ButchEire. I hear what you are saying here if you look at it from strict Attachment Theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth, whoever it was that defined adult romantic attachment styles in the 1980's), standpoint, but my guess is that this book is a water downed version that is useful for laymen in their relationships. I would suggest this book has merit for that purpose.

<--- secure attachment style, who may distance a bit when dating a secure/anxious attachment style, who is hys most common choice of partner.

[Ginger]

Interesting thread. I know what has shaped me to be the person I am, I have insight into myself, my behaviors, how my thoughts impact my actions but yet, too many times I found myself back in the same place, saying WTF- u did it again?!

Sadly, it's validating for me to hear that a smart woman like you can be so dumb, so to speak—I'm fairly well endowed, intellectually, but it doesn't seem to help me much when it comes to relationships. I am convinced I have a romance-based learning disorder and always will. I hope that isn't true for you.

Physical/emotional abuse by parents/marry @ 18 to escape their prison to move into a new one with my physically/emotionally abusive bio husband, fell in love with my first GF but someting was missing- oh yes, she treated me like a queen. Unused to it. She was a dear but she was a femme and I didn't feel that powerhouse sexual attraction.

I fled my family at 16 to be an abusive teenage marriage. What I learned from my parents' marriage was, Stay no matter how bad it is—ironically I ran like the wind from my childhood, and still struggle with the flight impulse, which was my first way of protecting myself. And like you, I didn't date butch women at first... but I have to say just because they're butch, for me, doesn't mean the sexual match is ideal. I know you weren't saying that either.

Then I met my butch. Instant attraction. She was so bright, funny, charming, 3rd year law school (till the frontal lobe brain tumor took her logic, ability to make good judgments away but left her with lots and lots of id-the Fruedian type of id- where she would fuck any hot girl possible, followed bybtears, apologies, it will never happen again but it did, couples therapy, piles of emotional abuse for me and my two daughters that couldn't help but know the house was so tense it could have been cut with a knife. Yes, I took my daughters to counseling too, even though they hated to go. They needed a healthy place to process to.

Damn, I had no idea, though I really don't know you after reading only a couple dozen posts. Wow. My dad just had a stroke and I'm seeing the same scary release of id that you're talking about. (He gets mad in the car, slams on the brakes, it fishtails, I freeze as I did when I was a kid, and realize I've got the father of childhood back...) Others with family members who've had brain damage and strokes have shared with me that it's not an unusual behavior, that loss of impulse control. But it sucks.

Numb, yes, pretty much for 6 years. I haven't even really dated all this time.
It seems so simple to tell someone: just take a chance. That my be easier to say if 50% of the chances you have taken in your own life were good ones. It is not so easy when 80% of those chances were bad ones for you.

I am not totally numb now. I see sparkles of light coming through my living room curtains. I saw the sun shine on the water and heard the waves yesterday. I was reminded that there is still life to live. I don't exactly know how yet but have to believe that there is one more woman for me out in the world that I can fully trust and again open my soul up to some fresh air.

I really hope that is true. I don't believe there is someone for everyone and I don't think it's always our fault if we end up alone and I don't believe "it'll happen when you're ready"—I think dumb luck and the random nature of the universe has a role in things too. But whatever it is, I hope you find someone truly awesome and deserving of you.

I know this has not been a good day for me. The loss of my dogs is a trigger for me of abandonment-that I know. The whole thing is like a giant ball of yarn in all different colors. Each strand represents a loss I have had. I should probably put it on a barge and drop it in the ocean (as long as not harmful to fish, etc that live in the ocean). Maybe I will do one for myself, symbolic of the losses & then set it on fire or something. Have to give that thought.

Keep the metaphors coming. They buoy those unconscious things up to the surface, and help us process, IMO.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't sleep, it's 11:36pm and I have to go to work tomorrow. Good night.

Insomnia is cruel and unfair. Trite as it sounds, I find things really do seem better in the morning light. I hope that's true for you too sometimes.

[*Anya*]

Wow! I did not scroll back to see when I posted that Island Scout but believe it was around the beginning of October 2011.

Shortly after that post, I did meet a truly wonderful butch and fell in love!

Of course, love is not a cure-all for all of the stressors that life throws at us and I have had more than my share this past month but it does help cushion your soul if it is a healthy love.

We can never undo our childhood but I think I have learned enough about myself now to know when those old wounds are "acting up" and interfering with my present.

[Ginger]

Wow! I did not scroll back to see when I posted that Island Scout but believe it was around the beginning of October 2011.

Shortly after that post, I did meet a truly wonderful butch and fell in love!

Of course, love is not a cure-all for all of the stressors that life throws at us and I have had more than my share this past month but it does help cushion your soul if it is a healthy love.

We can never undo our childhood but I think I have learned enough about myself now to know when those old wounds are "acting up" and interfering with my present.

Wonderful news!!! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. :)

[mariamma]

I think you know the problem already seeing as how you said it. "Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything." It's a protective measure after being hurt. It will pass in time and with emotional work. It will not disappear on it's own. It's about your ability to trust. If you're nerdy, try googling oxytocin and trust or bonding. Everything one feels/emotes is based on a hormone, neurotransmitter or other trace protein.
My issue is that...I trust I will find someone to be with. It just may take many years and meeting many women. I keep adding things to my long list of requirements. And there are few available butch women in the city I live in. I'll have to import or move and I feel that importing is not really an option in my life.
This is all so difficult...finding love, finding a meaningful relationship, finding someone to BE with. I wish all the best of luck. May we all be clear about our wants/needs/desires. May we all get the love we are capable of growing with. May we all find the love that makes our hearts sing and feet itch to dance at the sound of laughter.

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

[mariamma]

"Finally, I sought therapy and began working on myself--I also had to look at what made me stay with that disgusting, lying, cheating, pig-fucker, and own my part in choosing someone like that and allowing it to go on as long as it did. Thankfully I had an amazing couple of therapists and it's been about 5 years now and it seems like a lifetime ago."

This is the best way I know to get over a broken heart. Look at all the flaws you initially ignored or swept under the rug :D

[mariamma]

It finally was off and I felt like I was detoxing from an addiction. I stayed single for 5 years,it took me 5 years to finally be able to move forward and finally meet my ex.


Detox is right. I'm grateful to be able to read of the many who have seen where they have made mistakes and moved on. his is an inspiring thread.

[~ocean]

lovers come and go .. but ur pride is forever . karma :)))

[mustangjeano]

Detox is right. I'm grateful to be able to read of the many who have seen where they have made mistakes and moved on. his is an inspiring thread.

This is the first time I have read this thread---lots of good stuff here.
I also got help from a good therapist after about a year of being angry all the time. For my own health I had to release the anger and forgive in order to heal. Another part for me was to recognize that there was a considerable amount that was my shit and I had to acknowledge that. I have now been single for several years and , most of the time, I'm ok with that. I can still vaugely remember the thrill of being in love . lol

[fatallyblonde]

Yes. I feel like I am irrepairably broken. It hurts so much to feel that way. My heart was devastated when I was younger and somehow I've just never fully recovered. Then I got into a couple of abusive rships and that messed me up even more. I feel like there is a part of me that I'm closed off from, like it's on the other side of a wall or a veil... I can see it but I can't touch it. I would just love to be in love again, to feel that intensity of feeling, that giddiness and happiness... it makes me so sad to feel like I am shut off from that. I don't want to be! It is part of what makes me a romantic cos I dream about the Butch who will break my defences down and help me have the courage to go there again. I want that... I am also afraid. A few times in the past I have sort of looked at dating sites and stuff but quickly backed off out of fear...I've been at this about a week this is the longest stretch of time I've stuck with it lol... and I'm nervous... afraid of rejection too...
and anyway Butches don't seem interested in me... maybe I am too broken or too ugly or too smart or I don't even know... I feel like I'll never be good enough even or pretty enough or desirable enough... maybe I am too broken. I don't know. I haven't quite given up yet but I have a lot of negative self-hate talk that runs through my head a lot... sexy huh :P don't mind the pity party over here.

[puddin']

we are irreparably broken. we can still love, and be loved...