Letting Go Of Friendships

[Arwen]

I just read an article by Martha Beck about why holding some grudges is a good thing. Here are a few excerpts from that.

"My favorite therapist taught me something I call the "three strike" rule: If you not only have a bad experience with a person but also hear worrisome reports about that person from three totally unrelated sources, you need to carry a protective grudge that says, "I don't quite trust you." "

"According to Martha Stout, PhD, an expert on sociopathy who taught at Harvard Medical School for more than two decades, the key to recognizing sociopaths is that they consistently mess up other people's lives while actively soliciting pity. Most people don't want to be pitied, but sociopaths adore it. If you consistently feel pity for someone who causes you many problems, develop and bear a protective grudge. Now."

You can read the whole thing here, (http://www.oprah.com/money/When-to-Forgive-and-When-to-Hold-a-Grudge-Martha-Beck_1).

She also linked another post about friends and how to let one go if they aren't good for you here (http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/The-Friendship-Test-Martha-Beck-on-How-to-Make-Frien_1).

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge? Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic? Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

How do you do it gracefully? How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all?

I'm here to tell you that I've let people go for their toxic-to-me behavior but I've also been the one let go.

That's right. My emotional craziness was too much for more than one person and they walked away from me. I felt like they were the worst people in the world. They didn't understand the pain I was in. They didn't understand how badly someone had treated me. The list goes on and none of it includes me taking ANY responsibility for my words and actions.

It took me a long time to figure that out. I slapped on a few band-aids. I decided they must all be wrong. It took me doing some long and very hard soul-searching to realize that **I** was the problem, not them.

Luckily for me, I have renewed friendships with most of them after proving to them that I have changed. That I am not longer doing everything I could to create drama that centered around me so that they would rush to my side.

It's hard. It's hard to realize my own behavior created my isolation. That my own actions were driving people away. That I was not loveable in that crazy, drama-filled world where it was only about me.

So anyone else here ever been the releasee as well as the releaser?

For me, because I've been the one to hit emotional rock bottom and lose some very dear people in my life, cutting someone else out is difficult to say the least. I know how it feels. I honestly don't want to do that to another human being.

But that three strikes rule mentioned above? That hit home for me. I've been known to give people ten strikes including several opportunities to really hurt me. I'm trying to unlearn that one.

[musicman]

I held a grudge for 20 years. It was a half sister that had made my mother cry. Once my mother passed the only thing my half sister and I had in common was gone I stopped talking to her. We eventually did get back together for a brief time when my half brother passed and I went to the wake but eventually lost touch again.

So I have no issues or qualms holding grudges ;) can do it standing on my head. You hurt me or someone I love and you are in my grudge books for a very long time.

[girl_dee]

I am not sure if I ever severed the friendship completely but I have decided to keep my distance from what I feel are *emotional vampires*... people that just dump on you and suck you dry to the point of exhaustion.

Unfortunately I didn't tell them why, I just made a space between us, and when they were in a better space I could spend time with them, and I would learn not to allow them to dump on me or share their drama with me.

I tell ya, kudos for you for realizing that your behavior contributed to this.

It's funny how when we become self empowering, certain people drift away.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Friendships naturally ebb and flow in their duration – sometimes, a situation dictates that the friendship changes or ends……...I’ve let friendships go in the past because they were emotional Vampires and expected me to ALWAYS sort their problems out for them – the best I could do was be their for them whilst they sorted themselves out, but, they weren’t willing to do that. I felt guilty for walking away, but, I had no choice – I had to establish more formal boundaries for my own health and sanity.

I’m going through something similar with a two friends – we’re all part of a group of friends and I have to walk away for my own good from one of them, whilst at the same time, remain close to the other(s). I haven’t a clue how to deal with this and my feelings are like a roller coaster – the worst part is that I’m expected to mediate between the two of them AND take sides, which I refuse to do! So, now I’m walking away from one of my friends for what could be permanent. I will not be manipulated into doing what she wants, nor will I be rude when I tell her that the friendship isn’t working………It hasn’t for a while and my other friend is as close to her as she is to me, yet, she is being got at by our mutual friend because who’s the one not being open and honest.

I hate situations like this because I don’t like conflict and neither do I have the answers - in truth, no-one really does! Distancing myself from one is the only option until I feel comfortable enough to make a choice on what to do. How this will affect my friendship with my other friend, I don’t know – time will tell!

Everyone at some time in there life has been ‘let go’ in a friendship for various reasons – sometimes, it’s just that people grow, change and feel that they need to bond with others who ‘fit’ them at that time in their life.

I’ve had a friend walk away because she saw me as this amazingly strong and wise ‘Amazonian Warrior Woman’ who had all the answers and when I showed weakness and was at a loss in a situation, she was disillusioned and ended the friendship in as cruel a way as she could.

Sometimes, people have to higher expectations of others and don’t understand that some are more sensitive than others, thus, feeling more deeply and are more easily hurt – this can seem as a person coming across as emotionally irrational, when the truth is they’re not - they're just not good at communicating how they feel coherently.

[girl_dee]

I held a grudge for 20 years. It was a half sister that had made my mother cry. Once my mother passed the only thing my half sister and I had in common was gone I stopped talking to her. We eventually did get back together for a brief time when my half brother passed and I went to the wake but eventually lost touch again.

So I have no issues or qualms holding grudges ;) can do it standing on my head. You hurt me or someone I love and you are in my grudge books for a very long time.

I am like this to a certain extent. I don't get why some people feel a need to *hold on* to people, even family that hurt us. When I am done, I'm done. I don't know if that's a grudge but there are certain people that I don't give two cents worth about what happens to them, one being my own father. Is that a grudge or self preservation?

[ReDo]

I held a grudge for 20 years. It was a half sister that had made my mother cry. Once my mother passed the only thing my half sister and I had in common was gone I stopped talking to her. We eventually did get back together for a brief time when my half brother passed and I went to the wake but eventually lost touch again.

So I have no issues or qualms holding grudges ;) can do it standing on my head. You hurt me or someone I love and you are in my grudge books for a very long time.

Family grudges are often hard to let go of. My adoptive mom was dating who she is now married to. 20 years ago he hurt her in some way and I can't remember exactly what he did but I remember her tears. From that moment on I have never cared for Steve thought he was useless and unkind. He hurt my feelings a few times by his mean comments. I just went and saw them this past summer he welcomed me with a smile and a hug and asked how I have been. Holy smokes just about knocked me over. I told my mom about it while we were alone and she asked if I could ever forgive him? I said I think I just did.

Forgiveness is hard especially when it is family those who we are supposed to trust and love through anything. I have forgiven Steve and wish I had taken the time to get to know him better.

My biological family... that forgivness will never come.

[sara-bera]

I used to have a thing for pitiful folks. Really, I wanted to save them, make them happy and be this wonderful shining, light in their life so they would never ever want to let me go. That was before I gained a decent sense of self-worth and self esteem, mind you.

I loved tough luck cases. I made friends with them and, many times, became their lover. They were the only friends and lovers I'd accept, beyond my long term friendships (I have two close friends that I've loved for almost sixteen years). I was determined to save someone, you see. It never worked, of course, and while I'm not really the sort to seek pity, I usually just couldn't understand how the heck everything would keep going wrong. I would be baffled as one calamity after another occurred. Friends would disappear and I'd feel confused, but I'd keep sticking by my partner or the friends who's lives were troubled.

Eventually, about five years ago, I started to change my life... and I do mean my whole being. Everything about me is different - mentally, emotionally, physically I'm a new girl. I'm finally 'me.' I don't need to save someone to be worthy of love anymore; I'm good enough as is. I ended a toxic relationship, stepped away from a couple toxic situations, battled a decent amount of guilt, rekindled one of my long term friendships that got messed up, apologized to anyone I could find that had been hurt by my actions or inaction, and sought for peacefulness within myself and my life.

I still have acquaintances and people I care about that really only seek me out when they have issues, but today I've learned to distance myself a little bit. The only thing I really have to offer them is a kind ear. Sometimes, that's all people really need, however: someone to listen to them (I really think the world would be different if we stopped arguing and really started listening). I like people in general, I don't have any issues or problems with anyone and there have not been any calamities in my life for several years. I can accept everyone, regardless of who they are or where they are in life, but I do not need to keep them close to me nor do I need to rescue them anymore. I don't hold grudges, I don't have anger, I don't even have regret anymore.

Arwen, I'm happy you were able to put your friendships back together. There are still a couple people that I've never been able to apologize to and sometimes miss. I hope for their happiness.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I am like this to a certain extent. I don't get why some people feel a need to *hold on* to people, even family that hurt us. When I am done, I'm done. I don't know if that's a grudge but there are certain people that I don't give two cents worth about what happens to them, one being my own father. Is that a grudge or self preservation?

I feel holding grudges is, too resentfully and unwillingly allow the other person back into my life because I want to punish them for hurting me. I’m NOT one for holding grudges – what’s done is done as far as I’m concerned – I move on with life.

Self preservation is to protect oneself from a harmful situation/relationship in any form that is unhealthy.

Just my feelings and POV on this…

[betenoire]

I have dumped lots of people.

I've dumped the woman who would get drunk and almost get hit by a car / puke all over the place / pass out in public / wander off and worry me every time we hung out.
I've dumped the woman who would pretend to be a confidante and then the second my back was turned tell everybody who would listen her own exaggerated version of how I was feeling and why.
I've dumped the woman who only liked me when I was talking about how cool she was, but who would turn into a crazed 7 headed monster at the lightest criticism.
I've dumped the man who would call nightly to whine about his life - and never once asked me how my day was.
I've dumped the woman who was so obsessed with her own weight that she became obsessed with everybody else's bodies as well and would lecture me about every thing I ate.

When I was 20-ish and I broke up with Jesus (raised religious, changed my mind) I ended up having to break up with nearly every one of my friends, because they were SO intent on winning my soul back that it became the only thing we could ever talk about. I decided if the most important thing about me was whether or not I was going to get into heaven that those weren't friendships that I needed, either.

Hell, I've even had a recent mutual-dumping. (Wherein the person did something shitty to me and when I found out about it they didn't like my reaction - so we simply stopped talking.)

After ever person I've dumped I absolutely have gone through a stage of sorrow/mourning. But that passes. And the temporary feeling of loss was exactly that - temporary. All of the exasperation, anxiety, and hurt feelings I experienced every time I interacted with these people would have been permanent if I hadn't turned them loose. So sure, in the short-term it sucks - but in the long term it's just aces.

I was once dumped by the man I considered my best friend. There was this complicated (and bad idea situation) where we were dating another set of bestfriends. The girl he was dating (who was also the bestie of the boy I was dating) and I didn't get along. She used to say things like "oh that is such a pretty dress! I would want to borrow it but it would be way too big for me!" (Nevermind that she was wearing a 14 at the time and I was wearing a 16 - so WAY TOO BIG FOR ME my ass). She would just in general make tiny sideways jabs at me all day long and it got to the point where I was so paranoid and so perpetually insulted that I would bend over backward and behave like a kicked puppy trying to get her to like me.

One day that became too much and I snapped. I wrote a long and very public tirade on Livejournal (of all places) about what assholes the three of them were and how I was going to break up with my boyfriend immediately and I would also avoid my friend until he and that girl he was dating broke up. I created a "filter" on LJ so that I could post that without the three of them seeing it - then forgot to post the entry with the filter attached. So they all saw it. Me and the boy (who I was crazy about, but I was also only 25 and back then it was easy for me to become crazy about people) broke up - which was for the best.

My friend also never spoke to me again. Even though he and that girl broke up a month later, we never made amends. I deserved that. It was crappy of me to gossip about him on LJ. It was crappy of me to never once try to talk to him about what was going on, instead opting to just hold onto it until I blew up all over the internets. And chances are I had been acting like a nutbag for months before that happened, because I was so tense and worked up over the situation. I probably wasn't all that great to be around at that juncture either.

[Martina]

i have not stayed in touch with a few people because it felt like work. i have fallen out of touch with people i still consider friends too. That seems to be my guilty thing. i wish i didn't do it. If i took better care of myself and had fewer distractions from my health, i imagine i would stay in closer touch. Definitely something i feel very bad about.

In terms of dropping sick or crazy people, i rarely go through the sense of loss once i realize that they were harmful to be around. Usually i have to process the stuff they did to me. i resent the hell out of the time that takes and find that hard to forgive. Time is precious. As is one's sense of safety. People who compromise that are hard to forgive. i often wonder how they live with themselves -- not in terms of just me. They do what they do to others. It's hard to understand people who justify and feel OK about harming others.

i also feel really stupid and duped and i resent that too. It's a terrible feeling. All of it makes one less trusting.

My big lesson has been if someone will do something to others, it's just a matter of time till they do it to you too. What narcissism on my part to think that i would be an exception.

i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit this stuff too.

i am grateful for the fabulous friends i have and that, whatever ups and downs i have had in my romantic and D/s life, there has been respect. i can't imagine what hell it would be like to be in an intimate relationship with some of these folk.

[WolfyOne]

I haven't talked to my oldest brother in over 10 years
He was an ass before my mom died, made an even bigger ass of himself at her funeral
He's vindictive and an instigator
I have no use for him at all

I have 5 brothers and 1 sister and speak with only 3 brothers on an irregular basis
I have learned over many years and plenty hard knocks, family isn't always made up of blood relatives

[Daywalker]

When I let go, there is no dramatic Exit...no last words.


I simply turn and wander away.
Because at that point they are no longer privy to my world.

:coffee:

It is rare you will hear me speak ill of someone.
But if I do, it is not on a whim ~ it comes from cause n effect.

'Cause when someone effects me Negatively, it can trigger
not only icky feelings but can actually impact me physically.
(w)

I learned to be selfish with my energy.

I've been known to give folks more than 3 chances.
I've been known to hand out benefit of the doubt like it's free candy.
:|

I've been known to bury mah head in the dirt when icky stuff arises
(hence the nickname of Ostrich*cough*thanks Juney)

I've also let go of folks that I found out were using mah FB page to stalk
my Friends that removed them from their lists. That's just creepy,
and I'm not down with that.
:readfineprint:

Being selfish with your time and energy has its place.

:koolaid:

:daywalker:

[Estella]

Being selfish with your time and energy has its place.

No question - well said.

[Ebon]

I always have to let go of energy vampires. I am not very graceful about it though. I usually just stop talking to them.

I have an ex friend that is using the system to get disability and charging people to live at her house. She goes from one person to the next and someone is "always screwing her over". She is nice but every story that she tells about her interaction with someone that she has helped ends with "they had tears in their eyes".

I keep my distance from my family because they are always asking me for money. I mean it's even at the point where my sister makes up stories about why she needs the money. This is the only time I hear from her. We never have a conversation unless she needs money. She won't help herself so I won't help her.

I had a good friend that was doing heavy drugs and it was affecting is life and job. He would be fine for awhile then would start back up again. One night we went out and he invited some guy over to do drugs with him. His choice I don't care. Then he started asking me to go to the ATM to get him money so that he could by more of his drugs. That's when I left and never spoke to him again.

I had a friend that always had a problem with something and was very opportunistic. For example he's in the drive thru at Taco Bell and they don't give him enough napkins then he wants his food for free. Or if he didn't like the guys tone that took his order he wants his food for free. I had to let him go.

I'm sure there have been times when people have dumped me. I know at one point I was at a stage where all I did was talk about this girl that I liked very much and it had to be annoying. I also used to need validation all the time when I was younger now it annoys me if someone does it. lol I grew up and see the world and people a bit more clearly so now I don't put up with as much crap as I used to.

Also anyone overly religious that thinks that they need to "save me" have no place in my world.

[Arwen]

Thanks to everyone who has shared here. I'm at work so can't post long response. Just kudos, y'all.

[Apocalipstic]

I have been known to hold really big grudges, I am learning to let it go.

On the other hand, I have let friends go because they seemed toxic and years later we meet back up and it is like nothing ever happened...we grew back into each other.

I have been toxic at soem points and when I know I am way toxic, I try to stay away from people as much as possible.

[betenoire]

I had a friend that always had a problem with something and was very opportunistic. For example he's in the drive thru at Taco Bell and they don't give him enough napkins then he wants his food for free. Or if he didn't like the guys tone that took his order he wants his food for free. I had to let him go.

Oh god, I hate that! It's SO embarrassing for the people that are with them, and they don't even realise it.

[Apocalipstic]

One thing that is really hard for me is walking away when a friend's drug or alcohol intake is making them not them, and knowing that in walking away I may never see them again.

[PinkieLee]

Most of my adult life, I've lived by the saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Each person and/or relationship is meant to teach a lesson, for one if not both of us.

With me, there is no harsh exit. I bless them with love, wish them well, and simply walk away.

[Apocalipstic]

Most of my adult life, I've lived by the saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Each person and/or relationship is meant to teach a lesson, for one if not both of us.

With me, there is no harsh exit. I bless them with love, wish them well, and simply walk away.

and often, years later we meet back up and its like they were always there.

[PinkieLee]

and often, years later we meet back up and its like they were always there.

I totally agree! Sometimes people need a lil' breathing room to live & grow.

[Julie]

I am pretty much the person who takes a lot from a friend, before I walk. Like Daywalker - When I walk... There are no words - I just go. No explanations. BUT, it takes so much for me to get there.

One time in my life, I walked away from a friend and it broke my heart.
1995 (or so) and he was just diagnosed with aids. He had always had unprotected sex and we talked about this - but once the diagnosis came, he went on a rampage of unprotected sex - not caring about who he infected. "I got infected, they didn't care about me!" I tried to convince him to get help. I flew out there (DC) to be with him and try and help him through this. He told me to drop dead and fuck off.

Finally I said... "I am calling your doctor and therapist, and I am telling them what you are doing. I hope they report you to the authorities. You are killing people and doing it knowingly." I left and walked out that door, only learn a few years later he died. He also did not stop doing what he was doing. He just became more careful about it (or so this is what mutual friends heard).

I cannot stand by and watch those that I love destroy their lives or others. That is the point of no return for me.

I miss John and our friendship. We worked on the Names Project in DC together in 1993. That's the irony - He devoted so much of his life to helping others with HIV/AIDS... But that was before he was diagnosed.

Just sad.

[Novelafemme]

I have been known to hold really big grudges, I am learning to let it go.

On the other hand, I have let friends go because they seemed toxic and years later we meet back up and it is like nothing ever happened...we grew back into each other.

I have been toxic at soem points and when I know I am way toxic, I try to stay away from people as much as possible.

I love this, Apocalipstic! Well, everything but holding on to big grudges. ;) I tend to be the opposite and forget why I was ever upset with the person in the first place. It takes quite a bit to push me completely away and to date that has really only happened once. Very recently, as a matter of fact. And this person had been in my life for nearly 13 years on a very close and intimate level. I had tried to sort through my feelings toward her for years and could never put my finger on exactly why I felt so much animosity and distrust with both her and our friendship. I remember a conversation I had prior to making the difficult decision to end our relationship premanently, where I made scare quotes when saying the word friendship, and the person I was talking to had to stop me and point out what had just happened. I had just acted out my feelings in a very poinent manner and the truth was quite telling.

I have also been toxic to people at different times in my own life. And like Apocolipstic said, those have been times when I know I need my own space and time to sort through whatever is going on for me so I don't continue in a destructive manner. It's SO hard to recognize unhealthy behavior and for so many years I distanced myself from friendships all together because of how exhausting they could be.

As for forgiveness, I believe that I have a great capacity to forgive people who have hurt me. I don't want to go to my grave with any anger or resentment in my heart. The bottom line for me is that we are all so incredibly different and I know that my openness and loving nature leaves me a bit more vulnerable to emotional predators, but I get better and stronger every day and am learning not to take on everyone else's shit as my own personal cross to bare. And it feels good.

[Apocalipstic]

I love this, Apocalipstic! Well, everything but holding on to big grudges. ;) I tend to be the opposite and forget why I was ever upset with the person in the first place. It takes quite a bit to push me completely away and to date that has really only happened once. Very recently, as a matter of fact. And this person had been in my life for nearly 13 years on a very close and intimate level. I had tried to sort through my feelings toward her for years and could never put my finger on exactly why I felt so much animosity and distrust with both her and our friendship. I remember a conversation I had prior to making the difficult decision to end our relationship premanently, where I made scare quotes when saying the word friendship, and the person I was talking to had to stop me and point out what had just happened. I had just acted out my feelings in a very poinent manner and the truth was quite telling.

I have also been toxic to people at different times in my own life. And like Apocolipstic said, those have been times when I know I need my own space and time to sort through whatever is going on for me so I don't continue in a destructive manner. It's SO hard to recognize unhealthy behavior and for so many years I distanced myself from friendships all together because of how exhausting they could be.

As for forgiveness, I believe that I have a great capacity to forgive people who have hurt me. I don't want to go to my grave with any anger or resentment in my heart. The bottom line for me is that we are all so incredibly different and I know that my openness and loving nature leaves me a bit more vulnerable to emotional predators, but I get better and stronger every day and am learning not to take on everyone else's shit as my own personal cross to bare. And it feels good.

I amn working on the resentment and grudges thing! I don't want that negativity in my life any more. Definitely work in progress!

[Medusa]

I'd like to use some of Teh Arwen's questions as a bouncing off point:

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge?

Most definitely. It always tended to come from being so deeply hurt and angry that I just could'nt get over it. At this point in my life, I don't like to hold grudges against people because that takes up way too much space in my heart. What I do instead is maintain my boundaries with that person in more effective ways. I think I have been guilty of holding grudges, which feel to me like maintaining anger, when what I really wanted to do was make sure tht person never had the access required to hurt me again. I try to live now remembering that what I do is about me, and that what they do is about them.


Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic?

Unfortunately, yes. Letting go of a friendship that you deeply care about is a very hard process and not something I take lightly. I often will try to endure their faults, providing they endure mine, for a long time. This can sometimes lead to resentment if I dont keep myself in check that their behavior is sometimes their coping mechanism and not necessarily because they are doing something "to" me, but rather acting out their behavior "around" me.
Toxicity in a friendship looks like this to me:
* disrespect of my partner
* disrespect of boundaries
* taking constantly without ever giving back
* betraying confidences with the intent to harm
* treating the friendship like a love relationship in which I am expected to act as surrogate wife or partner (which comes with unreal expectations)
* manipulation or hostage-holding behavior
* unhealthy competitiveness
* constant demands on time or affection without regard to what I have going on in my life.

Do those things long enough in a friendship with me and I have to wave goodbye. I like to think of it as "letting go with love".

Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

Yes. I would never want people around me to feel like they have to choose sides. I am not always great, however, at keeping my feelings inside but I do try to not be a roadblock for other people to have relationships with people I am no longer friends with. It can be super uncomfortable to do the tap dance and I have been known to remove myself from situations where I feel that the other person is going to use the time with shared friends to play out their drama with me, cause I'm not really having it.


How do you do it gracefully? How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all?

I am often ungraceful but the one thing I try to do is remember that everyone is going to have a relationship based upon what works for them. If I break up with a friend who is a manipulating victim and they are able to maintain a friendship with others who are ok with their behavior, then I leave that to them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting up with any shit so if the person I'm no longer friends with starts telling people "Did you know that Medusa is an asshole? Here's WHY!" and then proceeds to tell a lie about me or rewrite history so that they appear to be the victim of me, that person will probably be getting a phone call from me.
I probably would wait a while to make that call though because the people who are my friends and who love me aren't going to let someone else tell them what kind of experience to have of me.

The people who would listen to that kind of stuff and ingest it? Probably not my friends anyway.

I try to keep in mind that people change. I certainly was not the same person 10 years ago that I am today. We change and hopefully grow into better people.
I think if I cut someone out of my life who had been a friend and they showed up 10 years later, I would watch them for a long time before accepting them back in my space.
I would check these things:
Are they repeating the same behavior that caused me to break up the friendship with them?
Are they honest about their behavior back then?
Are they able to take responsibility for what they did and allow me to take responsibility for my stuff as well?
Are they rewriting history and having a very different recollection of what went down between us?
Are they still dwelling in negative/manipulative/dishonest space?
And on some level, have they been able to maintain any friendships in the last several years? (If they haven't, I'll wonder why)

More in a bit! Great thread!

[atomiczombie]

I have a healthy grudge against my older brother, the main abuser in my life. I say healthy because it doesn't consume me, and because he is still someone who is unrepentant and unsafe. He want's nothing to do with me now, so it really works out well since that is mutual. :)

As for friendships, I can't say I have had many that are with crazy toxic people. I tend to have for the most part healthy friends; it's some of the people I have been romantic with in one form or another who have been really toxic. I am much better now at spotting that early on and steering clear of them.

[Scota_Parisi]

Because of living, in general, I have boundary lines. A lot of them are generally pretty standard. Some of that stuff we learned in kindergarten. Others aren't so easily defined, but fall more to my comfort levels based on lessons of being burned, etc. previously by exes, various family and friends. Those get to be a bit more hair trigger. Especially depending upon the experience/reason behind why that line is there.

12 years of "Joint Custody" with my ex was full of landmines and sand traps. Lots of trial and error. Out of that came patience, the ability to step back when necessary and to know which battles were important - which ones to let slide.

There are boundary / comfort lines I keep up. Helps to keep things calm. If someone has hurt me and others, they do get kept at arms length. Yep, I can hold a bit of a grudge for a while. At least until I can figure out why it is I'm really angry. And often it is because I've let someone get close to me and they've really hurt me or someone close to me.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[tazz]

wow... i love this thread... so empowering and healing

Have you ever held a grudge?
yes...at times. this is a work in progress with myself. when i feel toxic/negative energy i tend to walk the other way and maintain my own sense of boundaries and distance.

Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic? Yes. unfortunately, the people i removed or removed me were too much drama... always taking... never thanking... very needy. after the fact, i would ask myself what about my persona is attracting such peeps? was i lonely? was the care taker coming out in me again?
in friendship and with people who are acquaintances i find myself feeling like i want to make sure they are safe/ok/in good hands. i realize i cannot take care of anyone... so i learn to live and let live.

Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow? i dont tap dance anymore. i used to... and was always snarked at while doing so. so now i'm just very clear, direct, and blundt. so, now i am sometimes called "curt." another work in progress.

How do you do it gracefully? uhmm i guess my walking away is my gracefull way of leaving.

How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all? i pull the person aside and speak my peace in a very diplomatic manner and hear their side. then, i put the relationship in a coffin and nail it shut.
i need to. i know this may sound extreme, but, this is my metaphor for having self-worth, self-empowerment, and good boundaries.

[ruby_woo]

Hmm. I try not to hold grudges, and will try to forgive people if they seem sincere in their apology. I'll give you a second chance, but not a third. A couple of years ago, I reconnected with a girl who was one of my best friends in high school, but hurt me very badly. She apologized, saying she was in a really bad place at the time, and because it was over 10 years ago, I forgave her and we started rebuilding our friendship over the course of a few months. Then she started some spewing some crap all over Facebook about how it's horrible that people are being forced to accept gays even though it's against their religious beliefs blahblahblah. GIRL I JUST TOLD YOU I WAS A DYKE WTF. So I cut her out of my life. Again. She tried contacting me again, but I explained that I really don't have any need for attitudes like hers in my life and that was that.

I have another friend I've known since 8th grade who's...I don't even know what to say about her. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision, and constantly begging folks to bail her out. It's draining, but I've known her for half my life. We went to Europe together when we were 16. But good grief...

I think the lesson here is that ruby_woo needs to pick better friends. :|

[cara]

I'm curious about the author's use of the word "grudge." I have always related a grudge to be a negative thing that I'm doing such as not letting go of a past hurt or slight. However, the author seems to suggest it's a positive thing...like a shield that helps keep her sanity in check and the negative people at bay.

As she listed off groups, I could easily identify people in my life that at one time or another fit into each one. Most are no longer a part of my life. So in that aspect, I guess I do put boundaries up in order to save myself a whole lot of heartache and sorrow. People who are no longer a part of my life? A few select exes, friends who were more emotional vampires than anything, friends who were only there when they wanted something from me, a family member who was overly opinionated and argued down anyone who dared to offer a differing opinion, and friends who lived in a whirlwind of drama. Like other posters, I generally just walk peacefully away.

I, too, have been "let go" and, as Arwen mentioned, it does hurt. A lot. Sometimes I understand and sometimes I don't. Of all the people no longer a part of my life, losing the friendships always seems to be the hardest on me emotionally. Once the sting's gone, I try to look at the situation objectively and ask myself what I could or should have done differently. Sometimes I really am at fault. Other times, it's both parties involved. I

Great topic, Arwen.

:hangloose:

[J. Mason]

I do hold grudges and won't really let go even after the friendship has been dissolved.
I do not go out gracefully by any means, I make myself known and the reason why I have done what I did.

Right now I am in the process of letting go of some people who were once friends, it is kinda painful but when you do what you did, than you get what you get from me.

[Rockinonahigh]

Over the years I have had a fue grudges that I never ask for nor did I ever expect to deal with.The ones hat hurt the most are from the people I trusted most that either stabed me in the back or have been a family thing to deal with.One is with someone who I worked for but didnt see that side of them till I had worked for them for several years...total turnabout that left me reeling,if I saw that person today I would have to turn and walk the other way..its better that way.The other isnt my grudge, its a cut off from my oldest son,we have had problems over the years but nothing to cause this. I have no clue as to what started this.I have tryed to call,wrote letters..I could go to his house but wont because of the people he hangs out with that are some of the worst trouble makers in town.I am not safe there at all.Maybe one day I will hear from him..but I doubt it.

[Arwen]

Cara, I agree. I think she is using the word grudge as a sort of shield.

I think it's good to break the word "grudge" down. I have a really negative connotation as well.

Verb: Be resentfully unwilling to give, grant, or allow (something).
Noun: A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.

So for me, I don't want to use it in this case as the noun because that makes me feel like I'm giving up my energy for people who are no longer allowed in my hula hoop area. :D

But as a verb? I'm very much loving that for this use. I am extremely unwilling, resentfully so in fact, of giving granting or allowing a person I deem as toxic to have any place in my life.

So I can see where hold a shield/grudge in this case would be a healthy thing.

I also know that it can be an overkill to hold a grudge to the extent that you have to do whatever you can to take that person down. I used to cross the line with great regularity. I was mean and evil when it came down to it. I would go out of my way to point a finger and stick a foot out to trip someone up.

I can't do that any more because of the energy. I truly believe it ties me to that person in a distinctly unhealthy way. So, like others here, I would rather bless them and release them.

What I will do now is answer as honestly as I can if anyone asks me a direct question about someone I am no longer friends with. I'd rather not engage in gossip and character assassination. It isn't healthy for me. It isn't putting myself first. :)

[Passionaria]

Have I ever held a grudge?
Yes, sigh, but I do know it hurts me too. I have noticed though that the older I get, and through accepting my own mistakes, the more compassion I feel for the human delima. Life is so messy.

Have I ever let go of a friendship?
Yes. I am very picky about who is in my inner circle. I'm not attracted to negative, or cold people, or malicious. Once I see a person does not mean me well, or I find they gossip about me behind my back when they can't be honest to my face, I'm done. I just walk away. With a loss of respect.

I have some very old friends who's behavior works my last nerve sometimes and I have walked away from them for periods of time. But, if the bond is strong I usually take them back into my heart, and don't expect them to be what they are not. Sometimes when you are really someones friend you have to love the good and bad in them, and see it for what it's worth. The question then becomes is it worth it? And often it is, occasionally it's not.

Have I ever lost a friend?
Just once, and I was crushed. We did a lot of talking about what my mistakes were, and I made some. We never did address their part in it, with complete candor or disclosure though. I did learn a big lesson by the experience; when to shut my **** mouth. Emotional roller coaster rides are best taken in the privacy of your own home, with the internet and phone OFF! LOL :seeingstars:

Pashi

[persiphone]

i don't hold grudges. i'm too lazy. i've worked very hard on out of sight out of mind and i'm so good at it that it's like autopilot. if you aren't in my life for whatever reason then i don't need to contemplate it, dwell on it, have a grudge.

i tend to cut negativity out of my life swiftly and with precision. sure there will be chances, but once those are run through i got to go cuz now you're just wasting my time. negativity drains me too quickly and it zaps the sparkle out of my step and i just don't live like that. it is my life, afterall, and i'll live it how i choose to and misery is not my destination.

i don't ask my friends to choose and my friends don't ask me to choose. i don't tapdance. i'm not the appeasing type of person. i just walk away. it's less people i have to talk to. i also will back away from friends/acquaintances that are friends with people i wouldn't be friends with, if that makes sense. i've left partners over their circles of friends. why bother?

i was let go out of a 20 year friendship when i started dating butches. somehow, my being gay was ok as long as i dated girls. i've been let go as result of partners of friends having some kind of issue with me as well and i'm ok with being let go over that cuz i would never want to deny my friends a chance at love, even if i disagree with it or don't like it. this happened to me with a best friend about a year ago. the relationship was brief and she regretted it but i couldn't go back. i'm not a go back kind of person. i'm a go forward type person. but i do miss her and i find myself struggling a little bit with that one cuz we had such a fun friendship. she texted me yesterday. i have to admit there's a tug. i haven't decided yet. with some people i can pick up where we left off if i wasn't that close with them cuz things just happen sometimes and circumstances change and whatnot. i'm not completely unreasonable. it's the close friends that i have to be more diligent about because the potential for damage is greater.

i prefer to avoid a fight. i dunno if that makes me graceful or not. i tend to just shut down and shut out. once someone has gotten me to that point there really is no getting me out of it. my life experience has taught me that people will not change and it's best to make a quick and clean cut. hashing it out for hours on end isn't going to make it different and it's probably not going to change my mind or theirs and again is just wasting my time at that point and i have my life to live with people i enjoy being around. those people don't enjoy me when i'm being dragged down and i certainly don't want to waste their time with negativity that's been placed upon me by someone else. no. so yeah...no tap dancing and no bullshit. be a quality friend or move the fuck on. cuz i certainly will.

[Arwen]

Emotional roller coaster rides are best taken in the privacy of your own home, with the internet and phone OFF! LOL :seeingstars:

Pashi



That needs to be quoted and quoted and quoted again! Well said all of it, Pashi.

[tazz]

i tend to NOT blend/mix well with people who are constantly moody and have a temperamental side. those with egos.

i tend to attract and be attracted to those who are tolerant, kind, honest, and compassionate

i am a sensitive soul with a Very passionate spirit.

people who know me Very well, tend to describe me as such:

"be my friend and i will give you the shirt off my back and my undying loyalty, otherwise get the FUCK outta my way..."

and if i get burned... the nail goes in the coffin, sealed, and you are out of my life, for good.

[Rockinonahigh]

When I was going to college I met a couple of queer girls,they were a long standing couple with two kids and one was in my class at school,we became colse friends over the years.As time went on the drama became so bad I wouldnt anser my phone when they called,at school I kept things very brief then went on my buisness.I finaly had to end the friendship because of the feeling like I was being drained dry with the constant needyness of the both of them,when they split it was a double dose.I finaly changed my phone number then quit going to the places we use to go to.I didnt give them a reason I just walked away as quietly as I could.Over the last year I have cut people who were emetional vampires out of my life.I dont want to hold grudges,I dont have time or energy for them..all the energy I have now is put to doing good things that are possitive...feels so much better.

[smouldering]

It can be really difficult when having to let go of a friendship especially if at one time you were close to them, but after a while, when certain things happen it becomes a situation of enough is enough and the time comes when we seriously have to think about how healthy this friendship is.
I know personally i have had to end friendships with people who were emotional vampires, after interacting with them I would feel completely physically and emotionally drained and after a while, it seemed like the only time they ever really wanted to talk was if they either needed something from me, or wanted to drag me into their drama and I started feeling really on edge and annoyed every time I would hear from them, it got so bad that I knew I needed to put some space between us or it was going to get worse, and after cutting ties I felt a lot better, I have also needed to do this with family members.
I am empathic and sensitive to others and over the years I have had to learn how to sort of shield myself, there are times I feel like a magnet for the overly needy, but now due to age and experience I think, I am sort of able to catch on rather quickly if I am going to have issues with a certain personality and can sort of prepare for it if that makes sense?

When I was younger I used to hold grudges, especially against those who hurt myself or my family.. but over the years ive realized it took way too much energy so nowadays i am more apt to just let go and move on

[Sachita]

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge?

I am the type of person that can get pissed off, say whats on my mind and be totally done with it in 30 min. I don't harbor anger well. I might allow tension with a lover to brew, simply to keep peace as I turn it over in my head a few days but eventually it comes out and I move on. I don't hold grudges. When I'm done I'm done. But it takes a lot for me to close a door.


Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic?

I love and echo what Medusa said.

I will befriend almost anyone, however I have very little time and I will will not invest or nurture a relationship that isn't reciprocal. I have plenty of online buddies I share with and that fills a certain gap, however I am at the point in my life that I will not waste time, not even a few hours, unless I feel I am investing into a long term solid friendship.

i've let a lot of people go including family.



Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

I don't tap dance. If I dislike someone they probably know it and I just ignore them. I'm always a lady, never rude but I just don't invest time or energy.


Medusa said-
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting up with any shit so if the person I'm no longer friends with starts telling people "Did you know that Medusa is an asshole? Here's WHY!" and then proceeds to tell a lie about me or rewrite history so that they appear to be the victim of me, that person will probably be getting a phone call from me.
I probably would wait a while to make that call though because the people who are my friends and who love me aren't going to let someone else tell them what kind of experience to have of me.

I could write a book of the people I've so-called victimized. When you are a strong and successful there are people who want to ride your coattails but never ever reciprocate. They make every attempt to discredit you because you refused to play their pathetic games and their passive aggressive manipulation. They are liars but they are so use to getting by in life this way they have mastered it, to a degree. YOU on the other hand refuse to defend yourself against insanity or get wrapped up in the petty gossip. This makes you the bad guy. lol- But here's an interesting observation.... have you ever noticed that the "victims" of US crazy ass abusers, never stick around? They talk a lot of shit, stir up as much trouble as they can and then exit. At least that has been my experience.

I don't really listen to gossip no matter how many sources it comes from. I find people that do this petty and weak. If you have something to say, to protect a friend then you should really know the facts before spreading the continuance of rumors.

I had an absolute crazy person weave the biggest circle of lies I had ever seen. Someone who spent a great deal of time reaching out and trashing my name. It went on for years and it was a fluke that I found out. I was speechless and couldn't understand the motive. Turn out it was a fatal attraction. Many of the sources unrelated to a degree and I know a people that have gone through the same thing. If someone comes to me with gossip I stop them. I don't really give a shit.

BTW Medusa I'd graciously own the title BITCH. lol I am a bitch but I am a loyal honest and good friend. I don't lie, I don't cheat and I don't play games.

I have a few rules I live by and it took me 52 years to develop them and a lot of hard ass lessons.

1) Other than girlfriend banter and playful gossip, if you meet someone and they constantly talk badly about people, they are an asshole and will talk bad about you.

2) Stay clear of people who have no history, no friends, no family. They they have no history and have cut everyone off there's a reason why.

3) If I catch you in a lie I probably won't believe anything you ever say again and therefore we'll never make it as friends.

4) never ever under any circumstances date or get super close with a friends EX. We're talking good close friends. Not people you know. If I causally know you and your ex is hot, I'm going to try and hook up. If you're my "friend" I don't care how fucking hot your ex is to me this is sacred ground.

5) Friends make each other a priority. I rarely ask for anything but when I do I expect my friend to drop everything if they can. I do the same for my friends. If I here a lot of excuses chances are you'll be moved to the acquaintance category.


I have friends for 25 plus years. They are like family and even though we can go months without talking there is a bond that never goes away. I am always interested in investing into these types of friendship. I don';t waste my time otherwise.

[Hack]

Interesting topic. I was just discussing friendships with someone last night.

I keep a very tight, small circle of close friends. All of whom I have known for more than 10 years. I know a lot of people because of the business I have been in for 20+ years now, but there are only a handful of people in my life who I know undoubtedly I can count on, who can count on me and who get me.

I like to think I do what is called preventative friendship. I am quite choosy 99 percent of the time with whom I spend my time with. I really don't befriend people who I think I are going to be drama-queens, emotional messes or who are just simply going to exhaust me. As I age, I notice more and more I am very stingy with my time. I really like to focus it on the people who mean a great deal to me.

Maybe this makes me a prick of sorts. Frankly, I don't care. My time is valuable, and how I spend it is completely up to me. As it should be.

[Soft*Silver]

when I am toxic and not healthy, I hold grudges. Mainly because of resentments.And anyone in the Program know what resentments do to a person's serenity.

I am doing well lately and therefore havent held a grudge in a long time. I have however, let go of friendships, but again, mainly for my serenity. I have boundaries and I dont do well when people consistently push or cross them. I had to let a dear butch friend go last year because she wouldnt take no for an answer in regard to romance. After exhausting every damn effort I had in me, I finally had to say I couldnt be friends with her. I miss her. We had fun together but I just cant have someone not respecting me.

I have had to tap dance around someone as well. Its awkward and I hated it but I did it because it was MY space too. I handled it simply by going about my business and refusing to discuss any part of or anyone involved with the situation,saying gossip ends with me. I earned respect by doing so. It took time but eventually, as things always do, life moved on...

[Ciaran]

Have you ever held a grudge?


Yes, I occasionally hold grudges and, when I do, I hold them deep. I am incredibly close to my immediate family (parents + brother) but cut off contact with my father's family following my grandmother's funeral in early 1997. Positive interaction was resumed earlier this year at the funeral of my aunt because enough time had passed and I'd moved on .... but cutting off contact for fourteen years felt right at the time and, in the same situation again, I'd likely make the same decision.



Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic?


I've often let go of friends, some of whom were toxic but many who were not. I think that people and friendships are there for a purpose but it's not always an everlasting one ... sometimes it's good or necessary to move on.


Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?


Sometimes I'd like to be able to do this but it's just not my style. If I'm not enthused by someone, I find it hard to hide.

[oblivia]

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge? Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic? Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

How do you do it gracefully? How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all?

First of all - great topic.

Secondly, I've really struggled with the loss of friendships and relationships over the last five to ten years.

I fully own that my biggest problem in this time-frame has been the lack of discernment in forging friendships and relationships in the first place. For the longest time I was so shy and had such low self-esteem that if anyone wanted to be my friend - for any reason - I would accept them with open arms into my life.

In addition to this low self-esteem lack of discernment, I also have difficulty creating personal barriers in how much of me I share with people. I am not very good at being selective about what I share. I like to feel I can be 100% myself with people and I almost feel like I'm lying when I am not fully disclosing. I know that's also something that needs working on but then again - maybe not. I like being authentic. I like being myself.

So anyway - this has led to a big-time recipe for disaster. When I was in my teens and early to mid twenties - anyone who wanted to be my friend would be. I would also fully be myself. Be fully trusting. And just naively assume that everyone had my back. Not so much. As you can imagine - I put a lot of trust into a lot of people that didn't necessarily deserve it, or who weren't prepared or interested in the type of friendship I offered.

The result was that I ended up with a whole lot of friends, only a few of them very close, but none of those relationships had any clear cut boundaries from my side.

And then I started to grow up.

I started to gain some self-esteem.

I started to notice all the ways I was used, abused, taken for granted, manipulated, tread on. .... all of them, I had some culpability in for I allowed these relationships to develop this way by my own complacency and lack of boundaries. I was a free-for-all kinda friend. I was a yes-girl. I said no, to no one. I felt guilty if I put myself first in anything.... so these relationships developed under these rules.

When I noticed this was bad.... unhealthy.... that the relationships were unbalanced or unhealthy... and began standing up for myself and setting boundaries - naturally many people were shocked. They felt like I changed the rules on them. They didn't understand why last week this behaviour was acceptable and this week it wasn't. They didn't see that my personal growth meant the rules had to change.

Was it fair to them? Maybe not. But it was still necessary. And in this process, that lasted at least five years, I lost almost all of my friends.

In hindsight, many of these people were never good for me. They never had my best interests at heart. They were not there for me. They appreciated or enjoyed what I had to offer - and offered little (if anything) in return.

But do I hate them? No. I just wasn't the person that I was when the relationships/friendships began. No one's fault, necessarily.

It really got hard for a while. I was letting go way more friendships than I was acquiring. My social schedule got really empty. I didn't have a bunch of people to call on to go do stuff with whenever.... but ... the very small selection of folks that were left - were healthy. They were good.

It's funny how when we become self empowering, certain people drift away.

This pretty much describes, in a nutshell, my experience with friendships over the last decade. I have more self-esteem, more self-empowerment, and more self-love than I ever had before and many, many people surrounding me didn't like me now that I wasn't their Yes Girl anymore. This was hard. It was difficult for me to accept - but I did... and I learned from it.

I have learned over many years and plenty hard knocks, family isn't always made up of blood relatives


As part of my personal growth process, and facing relationships that were toxic to me, I have had to come to terms with the unhealthy, unbalanced, power-over relationships from within my family.

I have a very firm no-contact boundary with my older Sister, right now. And limited contact with both of my parents.

This is REALLY hard for me, as I was raised to believe blood family comes first no matter what.

I have learned, that it is OKAY that I do not want my older sister in my life, or my parents. I love them. But they are bad for me. They hurt me. They abuse me. They take advantage of me. They trigger unhealthy behaviour in me. And it's okay that even though we are related by blood - that I do not want to allow them access to continue to do so.

I focus very heavily on chosen family, now. I have a supportive and loving butch Wife, two amazing adult step-children, an Unka, and a very select few close friends. And that is my Family.

Most of my adult life, I've lived by the saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Each person and/or relationship is meant to teach a lesson, for one if not both of us.

A friend of mine once gave me a beautiful analogy that really helped me when I was struggling with all the losses of people I thought were friends during my big growth spurt....

She said that it's like we're all climbing a mountain. Each of us is making our way up the mountain in the way that we choose. Some of us choose easier, slower, winding paths. Some choose steeper. Some move quickly, some slowly, etc. People make choices along the way to pause and rest for a while.... or even to go back down the mountain. The mountain, in essence is our personal growth. Now, throughout our trek up the mountain, we meet up with other people. We end up on the same path, sometimes for a short time, sometimes longer. But when the people we're travelling with decide to pause, or take a different path - what should we do? Is it fair to them, to ignore what they are choosing and "drag" them along with us because we don't want to let them go? Similarly, is it fair to ourselves to pause or take THEIR path just so we are not lonely? No. The kind thing to do - the healthy thing to do - is to allow them their path, and honour our own.

Interesting topic. I was just discussing friendships with someone last night.

I keep a very tight, small circle of close friends. All of whom I have known for more than 10 years. I know a lot of people because of the business I have been in for 20+ years now, but there are only a handful of people in my life who I know undoubtedly I can count on, who can count on me and who get me.

I like to think I do what is called preventative friendship. I am quite choosy 99 percent of the time with whom I spend my time with. I really don't befriend people who I think I are going to be drama-queens, emotional messes or who are just simply going to exhaust me. As I age, I notice more and more I am very stingy with my time. I really like to focus it on the people who mean a great deal to me.

Maybe this makes me a prick of sorts. Frankly, I don't care. My time is valuable, and how I spend it is completely up to me. As it should be.

I am with you.

I now find it very difficult to really make friends. I have a very specific expectation for people I allow to get very close. I need to trust them in a way that is hard to describe. I need to trust them with the authentic me. And the authentic me is vulnerable - and sometimes struggles with boundaries. I'm getting better at boundaries, but this does require me to be very, very selective... because I choose NOT to repeat the pattern of my early twenties - where I let everyone in and let them walk all over me only to realize later that I'd helped create an unhealthy friendship. Now I don't begin one, unless I am relatively certain that it will be healthy. I tread carefully. I feel it out. And if it looks like I'm having issues with boundaries, or things are not being reciprocal... I back out before we get attached to each other.

I don't think I'm guarded. I'm just very, very choosy! :)

~*~*~*~*~

One interesting thing I experienced recently was a friendship break-up.

One of my very best friends and I were at an impasse. I was having big issues with her partner. I felt her partner was abusing her. She claimed to be happy and healthy. And, I knew, that it was technically none of my business.... but I also knew I couldn't spend time around him. His treatment of her was very upsetting and triggery to me - no matter how much she seemed to like/be okay with it. And so, I contacted her and made a date to sit down over coffee and own up to it.

All things considered, the conversation went well. She was obviously offended and hurt that I felt she was in a toxic relationship - when she feels she is in the best relationship she's ever been in, and hurt that with all we have in common (her and I) that I couldn't understand that she was happy. I let her know that I completely understood - and owned that maybe it was "just me" but I just couldn't seem to get over it. We discussed what our options were. For myself, I'd hoped maybe we could have a friendship but not hang out as couples.... but that didn't seem to be an option for her... and I had to respect that. We spoke kindly and lovingly to each other, even through the confusion and the inevitable hurt. And we essentially decided to end the friendship. Together. We sat over our coffee/tea and told each other we wished each other well and that it was sad to let each other go but that it was time. We even discussed going home and immediately unfriending each other on Facebook so as to not have any lingering weirdness while we each processed our feelings about it - and so that we could have space to grieve/vent whatever.

We basically "broke up".

This was the healthiest and most positive end to a friendship I've ever had. It was devastatingly sad. But it was healthy and loving. We had insurmountable differences. And we treated it as a loving couple might. These were things that we individually felt were out of our control. And we joked, while we chatted, that this is how friendships should end... that we should be able to sit down and tell each other "hey, it's been great, but it's not working now" the same way that we are expected to do with lovers.

So often, friendships either implode with a dramatic fight or end, or they just quietly drift with one or both parties always wondering what happened.

This experience, ending this friendship, was painful - but I am so grateful.... because I was able to walk away peacefully, knowing that we had been honest with one another, and both made the decision that felt right to us.

[Arwen]

Y'all so inspire me.

I love the idea of being stingy with my time and energy. Hack, that just makes so much sense to me.

Oblivia, hugs. I can't even begin to fathom how painful that meeting must have been for the both of you.

Ciaran, hugs to you for being brave enough to disconnect from blood relatives because it was healthy for you.

To everyone who has taken the time to post here, please know that I am learning and growing from each of you. I still feel very sad about this distance that I've had to create and maintain but I do know it's healthier this way.

[Ciaran]

Ciaran, hugs to you for being brave enough to disconnect from blood relatives because it was healthy for you.


Arwen - it wasn't healthy for me. The only healthy aspect was the reconciliation process.. Fourteen years is too long to hold a grudge - I know that to my pain / shame :-)

I'll make it up to my family in the long run.

[Gemme]

I've held a grudge and I've let folks go. It depends on the situation as to which method is used.

Holding a grudge requires more energy and time then just letting someone go. When I let them go, I've dwelled on it and have come to the conclusion that it's best that I don't associate with them any longer. Like a thread being cut...snip....they are gone and I rarely give them the mental energy of thinking about them.

Grudges require mental maintenance and are usually short term for me. I get annoyed with keeping the fires stoked and will usually cut them out too, after I hit my snipping point. Whenever and wherever that is for them marks the end of the road for us as a unit, be it friends or lovers or family.

[Arwen]

On the topic of letting go or hanging on, there was a post on Oprah.com today.

What do y'all think of this?

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Three-Real-Things-to-Hold-On-to-and-Two-to-Let-Go-Of_1

[Vlasta]

I cleaned my house of so called" friends" when I found out all the betrayal . I have very few friends now , but I am more happy . The relationships that I have are sincere not deceptive which I was so naive before to the point I was there for them financially , supportive and just being true friend .

A friends while they are giggling in your face and the same time they stab you in back have no place in my life .

Please go away if your only interest is you , jealousy and deception .

[Ciaran]

On the topic of letting go or hanging on, there was a post on Oprah.com today.

What do y'all think of this?

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Three-Real-Things-to-Hold-On-to-and-Two-to-Let-Go-Of_1

I'm not an Oprah fan but I do strongly agree that there are often very good reasons for hanging on to things or people that may make us uncomfortable or uneasy or that we just don't like.

[RockOn]

Stumbled into here for the first time.

Arwen. I want to tell you "thanks" for the topic.