Fat Girl Speaks | Fictional Monologue "The Ballerina"

[T-Rex]

This is posted with permission from the author, Stacy Bias. I saw this on her facebook feed the other day and asked if I could share it, because I think shame is an issue for a lot of us, whether we are people of size or not, it comes in all different forms.

Full Article Here (http://stacybias.net/2011/11/fatgirl-speaks-fictional-monologue-the-ballerina/) <---

Excerpt:
"Back in 2006, I took a road trip to interview 42 women in 16 states about their experiences of being fat – from childhood to present day. I had intended this to be stage 1 of a multi-phase plan to interview women all over the planet and then to amalgamate and fictionalize their experiences into a book of monologues for stage performance, not unlike the Vagina Monologues. I was thrown off my path by both a lack of funds to continue and a series of deaths/losses in my social circle. I also lost my aim for a bit because I noticed that the major undercurrent in all the conversations wasn’t necessarily fatness, but shame. I wanted to explore this further, to separate it out, to explore the intersections of shame among all oppressed communities. This, however, is a lifetime task. And in the meantime, there is still the boundless and constantly deepening pressure of Fat Shame."

[Apocalipstic]

What a great subject June! :)

Fat and Shame.

Why must they go together?

Often is is those of us who are fat who are most fat phobic and filled with shame. Our lives filled with parents and teachers and doctors telling us we are too fat "for our own good." How we will die young. How we are lazy, worthless and will never amount to anything because of the fat. Our fat.

Shame hanging all around us like acid fog...crawling into our brain and turning our very souls into something shameful and horrible. Into something which takes up too much room...

Get the behind me Shame, I refuse to become you.

I choose light and dance and laughter and being Me.

[julieisafemme]

I've never had a weight problem but shame is something I am deeply and intimately familiar with. It is a reoccuring theme for me.

Apoc I like the "get behind me shame" idea because in my experience it is the only way to deal with it. My shame has paralysed me. Only when I stopped allowing it to stop me and move past have I been able to, in very small baby steps, find any sort of peace. What is the opposite of shame? Is it pride? Because shame feels so, well shameful, that I can't even connect it to an opposite feeling!

[T-Rex]

Maybe the opposite of shame is acceptance? Acknowledgment that sometimes we can't go back and change the thing that caused the shame, but we can forgive ourselves or others and move forward.

Stacy speaks of shame specifically in relationship to our bodies, but I don't think we have to be big or little to experience body shame, or any other kind of shame.

As Queers, we can feel shame at not meeting the expectations of our families, or not feeling good enough.

So much shame all around us!

[julieisafemme]

Maybe the opposite of shame is acceptance? Acknowledgment that sometimes we can't go back and change the thing that caused the shame, but we can forgive ourselves or others and move forward.

Stacy speaks of shame specifically in relationship to our bodies, but I don't think we have to be big or little to experience body shame, or any other kind of shame.

As Queers, we can feel shame at not meeting the expectations of our families, or not feeling good enough.

So much shame all around us!

Yes! That makes a lot of sense. Acceptance sounds just right. Thank you for that.

My shame is absolutely body related but not weight related.

[T-Rex]

I think most of us have experienced from (in my case, my mother) people the following:

You'd be so much prettier if --
You lost weight
Wore more makeup
Got your hair layered
Wore different clothes

Or --
Why can't you be more like (insert name)?
Why do you have to be so loud?
Why are you wearing that?
Why haven't you...?

I think it is especially damaging when it comes from people we have a close relationship with.

In Stacy's story, the way she describes the mothers disappointed looks really hit home for me.

[nycfembbw]

For me the opposite of shame feels like primitive anger sometimes.

[Apocalipstic]

For me the opposite of shame feels like primitive anger sometimes.

at yourself or others?

[girl_dee]

My bio family has often been my shame, ever since I was a kid I have carried shame regarding them.

Like, I never brought friends over growing up.

I had an eating disorder at a very very young age, my body no matter how small was always a source of shame too.

I was given a nicname that people probably thought was cute. I hated it, i was skin and bones for a reason and making fun about didn't feel like fun.

I am not sure if there is a fine line between being extremely self conscious and feeling shame.

[Sachita]

I love my mother dearly but I never liked her. My entire life, even today, she always projects my faults. Mind you that I got myself, her and my family out of poverty, made my own way and with no one's help. I am sure that she is proud of me because she tells others, however every time I see her all she can do is tell me what I should do and what I'm doing wrong. She talks about my hair, my body, my teeth, you name it.

I drew the line tonight tho. I went over to have dinner with her and my grandaughter (one year old next month) Mia Bella. Clearly Mia and I have this intensely deep bond. If I am in the room it doesnt matter who is there- her father, mother, anyone...she will fight to get to me. Listening to my mother criticize how I held her, what i should do, etc etc, brought me back to the days when I raised my son. It was tonight that I told myself that when Mia could understand what she was saying that I would not allow her to be around that. Granny would see her when she was with me and would be warned. If she did not respect that then she would not see her. Harsh? yes.

Words and attitudes from the very people that are suppose to love and protect you penetrate deeply. You may not think that they have an effect but they do. I am certain that some of the baggage I carry today is from my mother and the situations I had no control over. My feelings about my body and how no matter how spiritually enlightened I become I might not ever accept.

Thank you June

[T-Rex]

Thank Stacy :)

Don't forget to tell Mia she is strong, smart and beautiful, even if she's not a ballerina!

[foxyshaman]

I have felt much shame for being fat. I felt even more ashamed for being fat because of incest. I felt shame so much, that it was easier to put something in my mouth, rather than to let anything out. I felt shame when my mother beat me for being fat. I felt shame that my fat mother considered me fat and ugly. In Jungian terms that is the negative mother.

I felt ashamed I was the biggest woman in the room, at the gym, at the office, in the family. The worst part was my shame was like an iron belt around my mouth. I could not speak of it, not even to those I was in relationship with. I could not speak of the horrible things my shame made me think of myself. And the horrible things I did to myself under the guidance of the sinister shadow shame.

I feel so very fortunate to be only 45 and be understanding of myself and my triggers. I don't have regrets around not discovering my understanding sooner. I don't.

I am sure if I continued to write about how every corner of my life had some shadow of shame I would hit alot of bullseys with others in this thread.

I am getting over my shame. I am opening my mouth. I am not SWALLOWING my shame, in any form. I still get triggered, but I am not controlled by it.

I spent the evening with a very good friend. She just returned from a therapist session with a member of her family who had been sexually abused by another family member... for ten years. We sat on my LR floor and did a genogram - a family chart - we could trace back sexual abuse three generations, on both sides. We stopped because it was sickeningly overwhelming. She is held by shame right now. She is one of three sisters, all of whom were abused. Shame held them all in its tight, choking, no holds barred grip. I cooked her a soul food dinner, held her and tucked her in and kissed her forehead goodnight. She left this morning to go home. She is so ashamed and stuck in it, she can't even tell her BF all the details.

Shame - is a long story. A tragic story. A common story.

The only one who can change the end of the story - is me.

:canadian:

[Sachita]

Thank Stacy :)

Don't forget to tell Mia she is strong, smart and beautiful, even if she's not a ballerina!


Thanks June. No doubt she will be all of those things and most definitely I will remind her. She loves to eat any kind of food. I mean she literally shovels it in and makes yummy sounds. Her mother said something to the effect of watching her and putting her on a diet. Needless to say we had a talk. lol

"teach her to be strong and happy. Let her worry about the rest. She is beautiful no matter what."

[Apocalipstic]

Ten years ago, I decided to walk past being fat and take ballet lessons, when I told my at the time girlfriend, she sent me pictures of elephants and rhinos in tutus. I cancelled my plans.

My father and grandmother always told me to never wear red becasue I would look "bigger than a barn". I was always greated with "you sure are getting big".

When I was raped, I was told to keep it to myself.

When I was molested I was told that no one would believe me.

Sex and body issues go hand and hand....

I want to dance

I want to flyyyyyyy

[Gemme]

I felt shame so much, that it was easier to put something in my mouth, rather than to let anything out.

No matter the source(s) of the shame, this speaks to them all. Profound!

[Apocalipstic]

I hate the word
"shame"

Shame on you

Shame on you for being you.

Parents, really?