Poly Relationships

[Linus]

So are there any others out there? What do you do to make it work? How do you address distance, if it's an issue?

Share stories of success and not so successfuly poly relationships here.. and perhaps.. find others? :antler:

[violaine]

hi linus. :bringcoffee:

i found a pretty good article-

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

"... It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their world view," says Allena Gabosch, the director of the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture. But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings—in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace—are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious—and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love. "The people I feel sorry for are the ones who don't ever realize they have any other choices beyond the traditional options society presents," says Scott. "To look at an option like polyamory and say 'That's not for me' is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad..."

i have looked at polyamory several times over the years, and wondered if the model could ever work for me. a few of the relationships i've seen and people in them, have successfully worked out [because they all do the work]. certainly, a level of honesty/respect for other partners would make this kind of [or any!] relationship healthier.

look forward to reading on-

best,
belle

[MrSunshine]

This has always been an interesting concept to me. I myself have reached a point in my life, maybe age, that this would work for me if the right mix came up. It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?
Look forward to hearing any stories.

[Linus]

hi linus. :bringcoffee:

i found a pretty good article-

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

"... It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their world view," says Allena Gabosch, the director of the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture. But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings—in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace—are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious—and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love. "The people I feel sorry for are the ones who don't ever realize they have any other choices beyond the traditional options society presents," says Scott. "To look at an option like polyamory and say 'That's not for me' is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad..."

i have looked at polyamory several times over the years, and wondered if the model could ever work for me. a few of the relationships i've seen and people in them, have successfully worked out [because they all do the work]. certainly, a level of honesty/respect for other partners would make this kind of [or any!] relationship healthier.

look forward to reading on-

best,
belle



Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

I had actually been first introduced to this by K and as I investigated it more, I realized that there were a lot of things about this that made sense. When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc). We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc. So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

Ultimately, I can say that the choice to be involved in a poly relationship or not is up to the person. I won't say that it's for everyone. It's not. But it can be great for many and allows a primary or a group relationship to grow well, strong and provide an avenue for support for all (something that can be challenge in a mono relationship where the partners rely on each for all support).

There are some biggies that should be parament in any relationship and it's heightened, IMO, in a poly relationship:

1. Communication.
2. Trust
3. Unconditional love
4. Honesty (both the stuff that is nice and stuff that is harsh)
5. Openness

This has always been an interesting concept to me. I myself have reached a point in my life, maybe age, that this would work for me if the right mix came up. It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?
Look forward to hearing any stories.

I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

I do believe it is about the right mix. For me, I'd love to find a B-F couple that would work with K and me (ideally loves furrkids and kidlets -- bigger the family, the better.). To me, I think it'd be the best option. For both of us, it would ideally address the desire/need for close friend for support (other than lover) as well as another to play with.

Would it be easier? I don't know. Depends on how the relationship goes and how well the five points above are met (they are needed in all relationships but definitely come out more in poly relationships). I had thought about trying to do a LD with a femme but... it didn't quite seem to work (although that might be more due to my schedule being wacky at times). K and I have discussed it and we have figured that it'd be best if it wasn't LD and if it was a couple.

Anyways.. hopefully others will post. I know of one transguy who has two wives and is very happy with that (although life has thrown a huge loop for him thanks to the economy but that's a separate issue).

Oh.. before I forget, The Ethical Slut is a great good and pretty much the poly "Bible". It's a great reference about relationships, even if you don't feel that poly is for you. I'd highly recommend it.

[MrSunshine]

I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?


You must have misread that Linus. I said "I wonder if it would make life/relationships more enjoyable"? I'm just a curious kinda guy:)

[Linus]

You must have misread that Linus. I said "I wonder if it would make life/relationships more enjoyable"? I'm just a curious kinda guy:)

Ok. Now I'm really confused. The quote I referred from you have above has:


It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?

Either way... it can but it can also make things more difficult. If the expectation that this will solve everything... eh. I dunno. Can it make things easier? In some ways, I think it can (there is a support system around for everyone -- kinda like the concept of a commune in the past). It should result in greater communication and more openness on relationships. A lot of it will depend on how the relationship dynamic is configured.

I do think that it can open up more love opportunities because you can keep your primary relationship while having others that meet the needs that your primary (if you a primary/secondary kind of setup) is unable to or won't meet. It doesn't mean that you love them less but rather that you love them as they are and still have those other needs (whatever they may be) met.

Hopefully that makes sense.

[MrSunshine]

I can see where that might seem vague. I guess I expect you to read my mind Linus. I was really just being curious out loud I suppose.
I don't see it as solving everything per se but I think if, like I said before about the right mix, was there it could be an outstanding situation.
One thing for sure is I can't do chaos. If I can't live in harmony with someone/s I would rather be alone.

[Linus]

I can see where that might seem vague. I guess I expect you to read my mind Linus. I was really just being curious out loud I suppose.
I don't see it as solving everything per se but I think if, like I said before about the right mix, was there it could be an outstanding situation.
One thing for sure is I can't do chaos. If I can't live in harmony with someone/s I would rather be alone.
Oh sure. I know quite a few great poly families where this works great. :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

I know a few poly families where it has worked for them. But the main thing is to talk about it. Communication is key.

[Linus]

I know a few poly families where it has worked for them. But the main thing is to talk about it. Communication is key.

That's a paramount in any relationship (e.g. Friendship, family, etc.) but is highlighted in a poly one, for sure.

[cara]

poly is not for everyone and anyone who thinks it may make your life easier/less complicated is looking through rose-colored glasses. my experiences with poly have been mixed. at this point, i would say its not for me. however, who is to say what the future may hold? trying to keep this message short and to the point since i am posting from my phone. hugs! ~cara

[Linus]

poly is not for everyone and anyone who thinks it may make your life easier/less complicated is looking through rose-colored glasses. my experiences with poly have been mixed. at this point, i would say its not for me. however, who is to say what the future may hold? trying to keep this message short and to the point since i am posting from my phone. hugs! ~cara


I will agree with that although it applies to any relationship. Some times they work, sometimes.. not so much. Knowing whether it's for you or not is a good thing and an important understanding.

[sharkchomp]

I think one of the biggest challenges with poly relationships is being intimate with someone but not being jealous or possessive (for me). I'm sure there are other issues for people but for myself this is the biggest issue. When I am in a poly relationship I tend to keep someone at a distance to avoid my own personal hang ups (being possessive and jealous).

~~~shark~~~~~~~~

[Bootboi]

I once fancied myself as being able to maintain a status of poly. I quickly learned that it was more than enough emotional work to maintain a relationship with one person. I could never see myslf as poly. I'm also selfish and I dont share well with others. ;)

[hippieflowergirl]

Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

i think it's our north american eurocentrism that makes us believe poly relationships are "new". the majority do tend to think they've invented everything afterall. (unless they despise it of course)

[Write14u]

This is something I've been exploring/reading about for the past year or so. I'll tell you one thing, though. Mention it to some people and they just think you're effing nuts.
In the past year, I've learned that yep, you can deeply love more than one person at the same time, and oh yeah, if both those people want monogamy, you're, umm, just screwed.

I'm looking forward to reading more because I simply just haven't had that much exposure to people who actually are living life poly.

[violaine]

hi linus :)

i am going to respond to the sentences below in separate lines, please.


When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc).

yes, i do believe that for people with siblings/parents/friends- a variety of love can exist.



We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc.

again, yes- but the type of relationship i would know with a parent/sibling may differ quite a lot dynamics-wise from how i relate to friends, or a person with whom i want to be close to sexually even more so than family or friendships. friendships may turn into relationships or just remain on a platonic level.


So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

i can only write that i would not consciously set out to place how much love exists for my relationships family/friends/partner. however, i do have a comment about "unconditional love" - in general, and as i read and relate them to your "5" below.

i have set boundaries in my relationships- family/friends/partner. not exactly unconditonal if there are lines drawn.

thinking about a poly relationship involving clear-cut conversations [defined]and mutual decision-making, et c. how do these go hand in hand with a limitless love [involving more than two people at a time] ?

i understand respect, fairness, communication- listening/talking, honesty, and so on. the term "unconditonal love" throws me because it seems [to me] there's an implication of purity/without limits/perfection/unquestionable- love.


best,
belle


There are some biggies that should be parament in any relationship and it's heightened, IMO, in a poly relationship:

1. Communication.
2. Trust
3. Unconditional love
4. Honesty (both the stuff that is nice and stuff that is harsh)
5. Openness



I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

I do believe it is about the right mix. For me, I'd love to find a B-F couple that would work with K and me (ideally loves furrkids and kidlets -- bigger the family, the better.). To me, I think it'd be the best option. For both of us, it would ideally address the desire/need for close friend for support (other than lover) as well as another to play with.

Would it be easier? I don't know. Depends on how the relationship goes and how well the five points above are met (they are needed in all relationships but definitely come out more in poly relationships). I had thought about trying to do a LD with a femme but... it didn't quite seem to work (although that might be more due to my schedule being wacky at times). K and I have discussed it and we have figured that it'd be best if it wasn't LD and if it was a couple.

Anyways.. hopefully others will post. I know of one transguy who has two wives and is very happy with that (although life has thrown a huge loop for him thanks to the economy but that's a separate issue).

Oh.. before I forget, The Ethical Slut is a great good and pretty much the poly "Bible". It's a great reference about relationships, even if you don't feel that poly is for you. I'd highly recommend it.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hi Linus,

I think most people are capable to love many people, if they allow themself. It is a matter of being open, free from what society norms are, and enjoying yourself with many. For some, the concept is do-able. However, in reality they can't for whatever reason (boundaries of safety, religious beliefs, kids, and so on). Sometimes one partner can handle it, and then when the reality comes into play, they decide that it is something that they cannot support or participate in. No matter how much talking is done, good and bad, it still kills it. :deadhorse:

I agree, if you mention this to most people, you get looked at like you have 3 heads. Oy.

Have you watched the series "Big Love"? Good show.

[Locutus]

I can totally relate. I've attempted it once or twice but have faced up to the fact that it simply doesn't work for me because I am possessive and don't share well.



I once fancied myself as being able to maintain a status of poly. I quickly learned that it was more than enough emotional work to maintain a relationship with one person. I could never see myslf as poly. I'm also selfish and I dont share well with others. ;)

[IrishGrrl]

I've always wondered if being poly would be for me. I've done it, so I dont know for sure. For me, I think yes, initially I would be jealous of the other person recieving attention from my lover/partner. I think that as long as I recieved enough indivdual attention, I would get over that pretty easily. I know I wouldnt have an issue with my partner/lover having sex with someone else. I dont not equate sex with love, so once I got over the initial start of having this happen, since it's so new and different for me personally, I'd be ok. The tricky thing about poly for me..and I think if you ask the general population..alot would agree..that it's not just the act of your lover having sex with someone else..it's the idea that they may leave YOU for THEM eventually. That other person in your mind may be recieving special attention you are not. For me, that's where I get stuck..but my rational mind tells me, that you run that risk in ANY relationship..perhaps more in a monogomous one no? I dont believe humans are made to be monogomous creatures..we just arent ..it's not natural.I believe we CAN..and DO out of choice..or preference, but biologically, I think we are not meant to.

Just my personal thoughts.

edited to add..
My love is VERY conditional. You treat me like shit..or my children like shit..you're gone. Love be damned.

[sharkchomp]

People are complex plain and simple. Having one relationship is complicated, even removing the endorphins, it takes work, honest communication, etc. Hell, friendships take work too! When you're trying to have two relationships the complexities are doubled. The sorrows can be doubled - but also the joy can be doubled too.

I'm not saying poly relationships are bad but it takes alot of work to balance yourself within the relationships. It's not always easy or fun. I think it takes a clear minded, open, honest person to do it. And selfishness has no place in poly.

~~~shark~~~~~~~

[Linus]

hi linus :)

i am going to respond to the sentences below in separate lines, please.


When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc).

yes, i do believe that for people with siblings/parents/friends- a variety of love can exist.



We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc.

again, yes- but the type of relationship i would know with a parent/sibling may differ quite a lot dynamics-wise from how i relate to friends, or a person with whom i want to be close to sexually even more so than family or friendships. friendships may turn into relationships or just remain on a platonic level.



True but you do not love one sibling only and not the other, do you? It is a different love than what you have for friends, lovers etc. But it is still love, no?

So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

i can only write that i would not consciously set out to place how much love exists for my relationships family/friends/partner. however, i do have a comment about "unconditional love" - in general, and as i read and relate them to your "5" below.

i have set boundaries in my relationships- family/friends/partner. not exactly unconditonal if there are lines drawn.

thinking about a poly relationship involving clear-cut conversations [defined]and mutual decision-making, et c. how do these go hand in hand with a limitless love [involving more than two people at a time] ?

i understand respect, fairness, communication- listening/talking, honesty, and so on. the term "unconditonal love" throws me because it seems [to me] there's an implication of purity/without limits/perfection/unquestionable- love.


best,
belle

My apologies. Unconditional love wasn't the right term I was thinking of. Unlimited love, perhaps? The idea that love isn't kept to one person is what I was poorly attempting to get at. Boundaries certainly are needed (e.g., will not accept abuse). But limiting ourselves to just one person to get more than platonic love can be limiting.

Does this mean everyone should do it? No. I don't believe we're all hardwired for this nor do we all experience the same history to be able to do this. But it is there for those who do feel it can be part of their lives.

[Linus]

Hi Linus,

I think most people are capable to love many people, if they allow themself. It is a matter of being open, free from what society norms are, and enjoying yourself with many. For some, the concept is do-able. However, in reality they can't for whatever reason (boundaries of safety, religious beliefs, kids, and so on). Sometimes one partner can handle it, and then when the reality comes into play, they decide that it is something that they cannot support or participate in. No matter how much talking is done, good and bad, it still kills it. :deadhorse:

I agree, if you mention this to most people, you get looked at like you have 3 heads. Oy.

Have you watched the series "Big Love"? Good show.

Haven't seen the show yet but have heard of it.

And yes, some people are capable if they allow themselves. One of the biggest things that has to happen first, IMO, is a love of self before loving others.

I've always wondered if being poly would be for me. I've done it, so I dont know for sure. For me, I think yes, initially I would be jealous of the other person recieving attention from my lover/partner. I think that as long as I recieved enough indivdual attention, I would get over that pretty easily. I know I wouldnt have an issue with my partner/lover having sex with someone else. I dont not equate sex with love, so once I got over the initial start of having this happen, since it's so new and different for me personally, I'd be ok. The tricky thing about poly for me..and I think if you ask the general population..alot would agree..that it's not just the act of your lover having sex with someone else..it's the idea that they may leave YOU for THEM eventually. That other person in your mind may be recieving special attention you are not. For me, that's where I get stuck..but my rational mind tells me, that you run that risk in ANY relationship..perhaps more in a monogomous one no? I dont believe humans are made to be monogomous creatures..we just arent ..it's not natural.I believe we CAN..and DO out of choice..or preference, but biologically, I think we are not meant to.

Just my personal thoughts.

edited to add..
My love is VERY conditional. You treat me like shit..or my children like shit..you're gone. Love be damned.


Very true that there could open up the possibility of one leaving the other for their 2nd partner but I've actually heard something else happens. The relationship with the original partner strengths because of trust, a newness of life, etc.

People are complex plain and simple. Having one relationship is complicated, even removing the endorphins, it takes work, honest communication, etc. Hell, friendships take work too! When you're trying to have two relationships the complexities are doubled. The sorrows can be doubled - but also the joy can be doubled too.

I'm not saying poly relationships are bad but it takes alot of work to balance yourself within the relationships. It's not always easy or fun. I think it takes a clear minded, open, honest person to do it. And selfishness has no place in poly.

~~~shark~~~~~~~

Very much true. But we manage with many friends in lives, why not loves?


Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm hoping that more poly-interested people do join this conversation as well.

[casey35]

I have to admit i have flirted with poly and it seems to work well for those who can share. As I get older I want to find an equal balance and if that can happen with more then one that be nice and if not so be it.

[WickedFemme]

subscribing

[Dragonfly]

I was out (partially since I was not out to all my family) since I was 17, Id'ing as a bisexual while I was figuring it all out. I was in committed and open relationships from high school until 2006. thats 20 years or so. I would not have a secondary relationship with someone if my primary partner was not ok with it, but my two husbands were both supportive of my exploring my feelings for women. It began as a third party joining in, But from age 19 on, I did not have sexual intimacy with both of my partners at the same time. I was developing emotional ties that were new and I was leaning towards my female relationships. The relationships I developed with my girlfriends were completely separate from my marriage.

I didn't always have the type of partner to have full trust and honesty. My first husband was a nightmare long story. I would not consider a poly relationship with just anyone. I would be more selective and careful before becoming involved in one again because of knowing the reality of both sides. I have had monogamy that was completely fulfilling but I am not opposed or closed to the option of a poly relationship because of that. And vice versa.

My last relationship was off and on, but when 'on' we were monogamous as she claimed was her preference... turned out she would see other people secretly while she would have me committed to only her. I can say having that total trust and open honesty bond from my last poly relationship sounded durn good about the time I learned that lesson.... so put more simply, I gage that choice, poly or monogamy based SOLEY on the individual/s I am involved with.... and it is a process of developing that trust, I dont just jump right in from day one with that decision.

[femmebaker]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

[Linus]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

[femmebaker]

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices? :sunglass:

[LieslKate]

"Big Love" is related to poly relationships inasmuch as "The L Word" was to real life for Lesbians... a Hollywood farce.

I would be interested to know a couple of things from anyone currently or previously involved in a poly relationship:

1. the duration of the relationship in years

2. the makeup of the relationship ie: Butch/Trans to Femme or Boi ratio

3. What lead to the demise of the relationship (if it has ended)

4. Was it a real time/life either living together communally or separate or an online relationship.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.

Thanks...

[Linus]

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices? :sunglass:

Hrm.. I wouldn't say that I'm entirely naive but neither am I experienced a few times around the block. I think right now opportunity hasn't fully presented itself and exhaustion from work has taken priority of late. That said, my ideal as it were -- if I was secondary (and I do agree in that I dislike that term) -- would be to be possible buddies with the husband/other partner. Although I admit that K and I would prefer to find a couple that we could be attached to.

There isn't -- in my book -- a best practise or theory, other than it's similar to other relationships. What works for you and yours may not work for me and mine. I've tried detached before and it worked ok but if I could be buddies then there could be an opportunity to him/hy/her and myself to hang out and do things (I need that occassional cigar buddy or sports buddy).

I suppose a lot of this is because I want to ensure open communication by all parties and don't want anyone to be without love, whether from me or others in the partnership.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.


Interesting. My experience has been different. I've seen long relationships with vanilla people (A hetero friend of mine has been going on for over 10 years now and an FTM buddy of mine has had one for well over 6 years) as much as others (leather/BDSM/<insert other sexual choice>). Poly, to me, isn't about the sex but rather about the intimate bonding with others (they may or may not tickle my sexual "pickle").

[femmebaker]

Linus,

Thank you for your thoughts. I, too, am attached to the idea of everyone getting along as friends at the very least. The notion of two couples coming together for friendship, affection, love, sex in a variety of combination is hugely appealing. It seems incredibly unlikely most of the time, but appealing all the same. It also would seem that if everyone know and likes one another (if not "loves"), there would be less potential for undermining and jealousy issues to surface. It's nice to dream...

[Lady_Wu]

I am in a polyandrous (two masculine people) marriage. This took us a long time to work out. Both "men" -one a FtM, the other a Karma male, hard to explain but not male in body-are intensely possessive. We were involved in a long term relationship for 4 years. Then X disappeared, leaving J and me bewildered and grieving. When he reappeared, we talked about what we wanted in life. They decided together that what each wanted was MY happiness. Since I loved and had loved both of them for a long time, they got together, drew up a Taoist/Confucian marriage contract and presented it to me. When I read it, I was thrilled. It was what I had wanted for all of my life. I in essence belong to each of them. The only thing I can do the would invalidate the marriage (witnessed and contracted by a Zen Priest) will be to go outside the marriage to another person. I am extremely happy. I am Empress of the household. They are supportive of each other and good friends. We live together in a small house. I would say that communication, respect for each other, clear boundaries, kindness, and love (in this case love for me) are paramount in keeping this marriage working. We are all happy with our decision and expect to be together for the rest of our lives. X is the eldest of us but in the best health; J is in his mid-fifties, and I am in my late 40s. They are the reason I remain in WV. I love both so dearly that I think that I would, and almost have, grieve to death without each of them. We have been together for almost 6 years now. This is rather unusual in that it is a polyandrous (2"men") rather than a polygamous (2 or more women) marriage. I feel extremely lucky in having the love of two such extraordinary "men". I am loved, cherished, and protected. Each would gladly die for me, and I for them. This is our life.
Lady_Wu, Kikkion to the Yellow Emperor and to the Lin.

[JustAGirl]

Wow, LadyWu! As a lover of man in general, my first though in mind (as I ingest and contemplate this thread) is how "the norm" view poly relationships i.e. it's almost every man's dream to have 2 girls sexually accessible...

I just wonder (if in poly relationships) if things turn territorial in other poly relationships. For instance, I can't sleep/fuck there if I know my lover has been in the bed with another. :/ Too close to "home" baby.

The older I get the more I can separate love and sex...

[casey35]

In 6 days i will be welcoming my new lover in to our house( my partner and I). This will be a totally new experience for us, figuring out the boundries of each and making sure no feelings are hurt. I have talk to several people on this situation and how they dealt with things . So hoping with all my heart we have a very loving home.

[PearlsNLace]

Paphigleo and I went into our relationship together knowing it will not allways be a monogomous one. We both are hoping to find a butch who is into both butches and femmes, well, who would be into both of US, at some point. But maybe it wont work that way, in a neat little triad. Perhaps there will come a time where Paphigleo will have a boi, and that individual will NOT be "into" me, or I them. I think what we are creating now, together, is solid. And it needs to be. For that kind of open honesty takes some serious work internally. It takes trust in ourselves as well as each other. I love what we have now, I think it is what makes us strong enough to add all that comes with having another intimate person in our lives.

[lipstixgal]

I don't see myself in a poly relationship its harder enough to be in one relationship alone,, let alone another person in the mix!!

[Linus]

I am in a polyandrous (two masculine people) marriage. This took us a long time to work out. Both "men" -one a FtM, the other a Karma male, hard to explain but not male in body-are intensely possessive. We were involved in a long term relationship for 4 years. Then X disappeared, leaving J and me bewildered and grieving. When he reappeared, we talked about what we wanted in life. They decided together that what each wanted was MY happiness. Since I loved and had loved both of them for a long time, they got together, drew up a Taoist/Confucian marriage contract and presented it to me. When I read it, I was thrilled. It was what I had wanted for all of my life. I in essence belong to each of them. The only thing I can do the would invalidate the marriage (witnessed and contracted by a Zen Priest) will be to go outside the marriage to another person. I am extremely happy. I am Empress of the household. They are supportive of each other and good friends. We live together in a small house. I would say that communication, respect for each other, clear boundaries, kindness, and love (in this case love for me) are paramount in keeping this marriage working. We are all happy with our decision and expect to be together for the rest of our lives. X is the eldest of us but in the best health; J is in his mid-fifties, and I am in my late 40s. They are the reason I remain in WV. I love both so dearly that I think that I would, and almost have, grieve to death without each of them. We have been together for almost 6 years now. This is rather unusual in that it is a polyandrous (2"men") rather than a polygamous (2 or more women) marriage. I feel extremely lucky in having the love of two such extraordinary "men". I am loved, cherished, and protected. Each would gladly die for me, and I for them. This is our life.
Lady_Wu, Kikkion to the Yellow Emperor and to the Lin.

Lady Wu, I do apologize for not seeing this earlier.

Sounds absolutely wonderful. Congratulations on all that hard work. It sounds like it is paying off.

In 6 days i will be welcoming my new lover in to our house( my partner and I). This will be a totally new experience for us, figuring out the boundries of each and making sure no feelings are hurt. I have talk to several people on this situation and how they dealt with things . So hoping with all my heart we have a very loving home.

You must be very excited about this whole process.

Paphigleo and I went into our relationship together knowing it will not allways be a monogomous one. We both are hoping to find a butch who is into both butches and femmes, well, who would be into both of US, at some point. But maybe it wont work that way, in a neat little triad. Perhaps there will come a time where Paphigleo will have a boi, and that individual will NOT be "into" me, or I them. I think what we are creating now, together, is solid. And it needs to be. For that kind of open honesty takes some serious work internally. It takes trust in ourselves as well as each other. I love what we have now, I think it is what makes us strong enough to add all that comes with having another intimate person in our lives.

And that is one of the important things: ensuring that what exists is strong and stable before adding more to the relationship.

I don't see myself in a poly relationship its harder enough to be in one relationship alone,, let alone another person in the mix!!

Heh.. Ya. As I've said, this isn't something that is for everyone.

[Dragonfly]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

Just wanted to add my voice here and say that being upfront and honest is the only way you will find what you are looking for. In my opinion there are more than most realize and this post of yours makes you more appealing imho because you are being real and open and sad to say that is a rare thing in the world. I would be willing to give my heart to someone who was happily married if said person was the right one it would all work out. What's meant to be will be w true committment and selfless love. So I think anyway.

[Bad Bad Boi]

Hey all,

Have really enjoyed this discussion and am subscribing to the thread.

I am new to the idea of poly possibilities in my own life.

I have known they exist but never had any idea how they could possibly work.

But recently I have had to come to grips with the fact that I love a woman in CA - who we only get to see each other 2 - 3 times a year. I thought at first that as I dated others, my feelings for her would dim... but Noooo.

So now I am considering the possibility of finding an East Coast relationship in which jealosy isn't the primary ingredient... allowing me to maintain a relationship with my CA love.

I do understand that it is more than possible to love and care about more than one person at the same time.

So thanks for starting this thread and the great discussion that is found here.

Peace and Blessings,

David

[princessbelle]

I know poly can work. I've seen it work. People in this thread and site show that it can work.

I was in a poly relationship that went wrong and I was hurt beyond any pain I could imagine possible. But, I do realize that there were so many things that were done wrong by my partner and by myself and by the other girl that it is no wonder it ended in disaster. It has taken a long time to heal, and parts of me are still in mourning, however getting better all the time.

So, even though I have been there done that and suffered through what I thought had destroyed my life, I have evolved from the pain to a stronger and more self nurturing person. I am open minded enough to realize that poly can be a very healthy, fullfilling, loving and a wonderful life for the right people.

Would I ever do it again? Doubtful, however never say never.

signed....

one who keeps all possibilities open when it comes to happiness....

[Isadora]

I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us.

I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL

A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship.

Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives.

It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible.

Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues.

Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me.

[girl_dee]

Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

[girl_dee]

anyone watch the series Sister Wives?

[Jesse]

I've seen it a few times, also watched the special the other night.

Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

[girl_dee]

I've seen it a few times, also watched the special the other night.

what did ya think of it..? I hear the first wife has been fired from her job because of the show...

[Jesse]

I think it's difficult to really show many of the positives of the poly lifestyle on a televised show. Sometimes they seem to angle it in such a way that it looks ugly...possibly they are more interested in the drama than in the reality of the 24/7 lifestyle. <shrug>

Not sure if she lost it or not but I do know there is talk of it, also they were drug into court due to the publicity from the 4th marriage.

what did ya think of it..? I hear the first wife has been fired from her job because of the show...

[girl_dee]

I think it's difficult to really show many of the positives of the poly lifestyle on a televised show. Sometimes they seem to angle it in such a way that it looks ugly...possibly they are more interested in the drama than in the reality of the 24/7 lifestyle. <shrug>

Not sure if she lost it or not but I do know there is talk of it, also they were drug into court due to the publicity from the 4th marriage.

no kidding, all thats normally ever shown are the pedophile communes...

I am glad the show is being aired.. its showing the functionality and how much power the wives have, and their wonderful bond.

[Jesse]

Lol! Last night I watched the special. They were being interviewed, and he flat out told the interviewer that he is not the boss, except for when it comes to getting the kids to do their homework or something.

I find it interesting, but wonder if others who are in poly relationship see it as a mockery or as not a true representation.


no kidding, all thats normally ever shown are the pedophile communes...

I am glad the show is being aired.. its showing the functionality and how much power the wives have, and their wonderful bond.

[girl_dee]

Lol! Last night I watched the special. They were being interviewed, and he flat out told the interviewer that he is not the boss, except for when it comes to getting the kids to do their homework or something.

I find it interesting, but wonder if others who are in poly relationship see it as a mockery or as not a true representation.


lol i think he is right.. the sisterhood of the wives is so very real. They each get each other and each have a job to do. They function independently and as a collective unit.. I think its wonderful..

[La Perla]

I too, have seen PR work remarkably well. Those of you that have the emotional maturity, and communication skills needed to create this type of relationship, have my respect. I personally am curious about Poly relationships, I am guessing freedom and responsibility can craft some remarkable, exciting situations.

[girl_dee]

I too, have seen PR work remarkably well. Those of you that have the emotional maturity, and communication skills needed to create this type of relationship, have my respect. I personally am curious about Poly relationships, I am guessing freedom and responsibility can craft some remarkable, exciting situations.

I personally think one has to be *wired* for poly. Not everyone is and that is ok.. It also takes one heck of a Head of Household to maintain the balance. I am glad I am not on that end of it.

Not sure what you mean by *freedom and responsibility* but exciting situations are what happens when you fall into the right PR.

[La Perla]

I personally think one has to be *wired* for poly. Not everyone is and that is ok.. It also takes one heck of a Head of Household to maintain the balance. I am glad I am not on that end of it.

Not sure what you mean by *freedom and responsibility* but exciting situations are what happens when you fall into the right PR.

I can imagine it would take a great deal of emotional maturity. I am happy that you found a wonderful family, and such a positive dynamic. What was going through my mind with freedom and responsibility? I was imagining that having a poly relationship would be a sort of freedom, at least from the cookie cutter "norm", and that feels inspiring to me. But I imagine that freedom comes with a need to be very responsible in dealing with your emotions and feelings in a way that keeps peace and harmony. Imagining being key here.

[girl_dee]

I can imagine it would take a great deal of emotional maturity. I am happy that you found a wonderful family, and such a positive dynamic. What was going through my mind with freedom and responsibility? I was imagining that having a poly relationship would be a sort of freedom, at least from the cookie cutter "norm", and that feels inspiring to me. But I imagine that freedom comes with a need to be very responsible in dealing with your emotions and feelings in a way that keeps peace and harmony. Imagining being key here.

Ahhh I see... You are dead right about being responsible with emotions.. and acting on them.. It's quite a learning experience, learning to deal with lots of emotions and ascertaining whether they are old stuff or new stuff. Sometimes an emotion can catch us off guard and we don't know what to do with it.. The responsible thing to do is not react to it, think about it and not act emotionally. Easier said than done but it is something I strive for.

[aurora]

Like my Spirit sister Sassy, I have always considered myself to be wired poly. Our lovely family has come together after a few years of Syr getting to know Sassy fairly well. I have just had a few months of loving and learning to work with my dear sister. It is definitely a journey and a work in progress.

For me, one of the most important factors for the potential long-term success of this triangle of love and marriage is the fact that I was the one to ask for the permanent addition of Sassy to our home. That is the key for me in managing the insecurities and occasional PMS spin-outs. My deep 15 year love for Syr, and my love and dedication of my spirit sister, are kept clear in my mind at times of self-doubt by that knowledge.
I have heard from others that have had a new partner imposed upon them, and heard the pain and suffering that followed the shift in the relationship. I am glad that in this thread, there is a strong opinion that good clear communication, and full agreement within the family on such a change, is extremely important.

As mentioned before work and clear communication is soooo important. Compassion and forgiveness and a desire to admit being wrong is also very important. One of the greatest benefits for me is suddenly having a friend to talk with who thinks the way I think about many things. In D/s relationships our partner is often our polar opposite in many ways, so having someone to just do girl-talk with about things one would not want to bother Syr. Sassy and I are learning a lot from each other, we are similar in some ways but very different in other ways. We are using that as a strength to grow in the relationship with each other and with Syr. Between job sharing and friendship and love, the extra work that is required is small compared to the benefits we are finding in our every day life now.

[girl_dee]

great points Sister aurora.

It is true, most poly relationships consist of one Dominant who will choose to bring a new partner in, pretty much whenever they want to. I am glad this is not our case ( I would have never ventured into that). The marriage that I entered into was solid, I am an addition to that. No one was looking for another partner. It just happened. It all made sense at that point.

Not being *brought* in to fill a void, or fix anything has made me very willing to venture into this. It works. We are not perfect but a life without even the smallest challenges would not be growing.

Having the Sisterly bond with aurora is also incredible. We've always connected somewhat and this is the greatest level of that. Talking things out and connecting is a wonderful gift.

[Martina]

It is true, most poly relationships consist of one Dominant who will choose to bring a new partner in, pretty much whenever they want to.

i really don't see this. i am not sure i have ever seen someone bring in a new person to a family without any preparation or negotiation, whether they "can" or not. i imagine it happens, but . . .

And most poly isn't D/s either.

[aurora]

Yes, indeed the Ds poly is a fairly small population in the community as a whole. And a successful poly dynamic is always based upon the feelings and needs of everyone involved. But within the BDSM community, where there are situations where the power exchange allows (with previous agreement) one member of the family to make choices for the others that would normally have to be negotiated continuously, there is the room for imposed additions. And, from what I have seen, even though the submissive members have given consent to whatever is to happen, it does not work out well if the new person is brought in without full, whole-hearted agreement from the more senior members.
Also, some of the Ds poly situations are more loosely-knit leather families where most live in other cities and are not in the same house...in this case the poly family members might feel a loss of extra communication with the Dom(me) when a new member is added, but are not in the day-to-day sharing the bathroom type communication with the other family members.

[aurora]

It also might be useful to chat about the different challenges and rewards that are found in online poly vs. in house poly. Many of the modern poly families I have met include a certain amount of online relationships, and this is a very interesting element to consider.

[Tommi]

I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us.

I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL

A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship.

Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives.

It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible.

Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues.

Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me.




Refreshing the page and the thread


"""Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me."""



Thank you Isadora. . I enjoy reading and re-reading your posts and the link above[/B]

[The_Lady_Snow]

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.

[Tommi]

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.

Well said, time well spent.

[girl_dee]

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.


yes yes!

Also there have been a few times where Master was asked to discuss *stuff* to help sort it out....and as it turns out the subs had it figured out and didn't need to bother Her..

always learning and growing.

[Soft*Silver]

This has been an interesting season in my life where alot of my "nevers" have been turned inside out, like you do for wash, and discovered where the roots came from and if they were just social taboos or some other goose liver pate', I really examined them.

Many of them became possibilities and some became realities. Like strap ons. I use to say I would never strap on. Oh Pshaw. That went out quickly. So did "I will never do a femme". Nonsense. I know what to do with a femme! I am one!

I have also said, I would never do Poly. I am too selfish. I could never share.

I think this is another self-lie based on cultural norms to fit in, based on heterosexual pairing. I like being coupled. I also know if given mature stable people who abided by consensual mutually agreed upon rules of the unit, it could be done.

However I am not planning on testing that out right now. But I do know never say never....

[girl_dee]

I learned to stop saying never very recently!

[aurora]

LOL yes Sassy, when you visited never-never land and found you never-never wanted to leave.

It is good when 2 or more people's energies come togther in a really positive way. And that sometimes can't be planned or petitioned or advertised for...it just happens. That is when the "never-be-poly" gets replaced by "Wow, this is great! Life is wonderful!" Just got to be open to gifts when they present themselves.

[IrishGrrl]

aurora..

I think you being the one to ask for your sister to join your family is beautiful! I understand how it would help with moments of self doubt. Someday I may have a sister, and I would want the foundation of our love for each other to be strong and in place. When I love someone, I want them to share in all that I find joy in, that's just a natural state of feeling for me.

Irish

[aurora]

Thank you IrishGrrl, I do hope that you find a spirit sister who is as wonderful as Sassy is to me. :praying:

A drama free poly is a great situation to aim for in any family...and certainly not bothering Master with silly things is a virtue to be acquired by every submissive and slave.

I think one of the important skills that make poly (under the same roof...online can be a bit different) run more smoothly is for the submissives (if a Ds poly situation) learn to work as a team and for the Dominant to trust them not to need micro managing. And one of the best ways to achieve this is to allow the subs to become best/loving friends or siblings.
As an example, one of the most lovely families I have met is run by a Femme Domme with her 2 bois. The bois are very good buddies and work together so well that when Ma'am gets home from work everything is perfect. She does not know or care who did what...all she knows is that her home is great. Everything is done and the bois are as happy as ever to see her. The bois figure out their own schedules, duties, etc. around their other obligations and live to please their Domme....drama free....efficient...everyone is happy.

[aurora]

When I think about it, humans are a pack animal. We have evolved in family units, tribes, clans, villages etc. The concept of 2 people standing alone against the world is actually a very modern and rather odd concept historically. So in that in queer culture we often make "chosen families and clans" the poly concept is quite logical. Not all poly relationships are sexual, but take the form of a love bond with the energy of a sibling, parent, cousin...so for me, a poly grouping feels much like a traditional association of people, but you get to choose the members of your clan.

[Massive]

I have to admit, this is a subject rather close to my heart right now, I've had my eyes re-opened to living life poly, for a long time I decided rather rigidly that I could only ever go down the monogamy road and then I found my baby boy and baby girl, both who live far, far away on the wrong side of the pond to me, but we're all aware of the distances and how that although we can't be physically there for one another just now, we can still be together emotionally and in our hearts. I love them both for who they are and I'm so glad I found them, I'd given up hope of finding anyone I could connect with on any level other than friendship. Now I just need to solve the whole UK - US side of it all.
On another note, talking about finding your tribe, etc, I call them my Family, a group of people I've got to know over the years, both Brothers and Sisters, from all over the US, who are in many ways more real to me than my own bio-family, which is kinda sad in a way, but at the same time I know that my chosen family gets me in a way my bio-family never, ever can. Don't get me wrong, I love my bio-family, but no matter how hard I try to explain to them, they just can't understand my chosen lifestyle, to them kinky would be not using a coaster under their cup of tea ... They are old fashioned British ladies, all pretty much single and have been for years, or have been married and are now divorced, me and my 'little' brother are the only guys in our family, its all women, so it can get a tad hormonal sometimes, not that that's a bad thing, but at least with my chosen online Family, I can talk to them about what I'm going through without getting "What?!?" I just get nods and hugs and unconditional love. I'm sure there's some kind of saying about being able to choose your friends but not your family, well, I've chosen my family and it's fecking awesome!

[girl_dee]

((((((( Massive ))))))))) It's so nice to see you happy my friend.

LOL @ Kinky = no coaster.....

Chosen family rocks!

[Massive]

Thank you sassy. *bigs hugs back* :cheesy:
Oh, I wish that part about coasters was a joke, I love my family, but could they be any more British?? Sadly, no lol
I can't agree more either, chosen Family does indeed rock!

[Sage]

Sweet Daddy,

Your boy definitely holds you close in her heart. I love you so damn much! I'm just so glad you can love me even with my ridiculously complicated relationship situation...and even though I already have two romantic partners and a Mommy and other Daddy. You really are wonderful, Daddy. *kiss*

Love,

Your Boy Sage



I have to admit, this is a subject rather close to my heart right now, I've had my eyes re-opened to living life poly, for a long time I decided rather rigidly that I could only ever go down the monogamy road and then I found my baby boy and baby girl, both who live far, far away on the wrong side of the pond to me, but we're all aware of the distances and how that although we can't be physically there for one another just now, we can still be together emotionally and in our hearts. I love them both for who they are and I'm so glad I found them, I'd given up hope of finding anyone I could connect with on any level other than friendship. Now I just need to solve the whole UK - US side of it all.

[Quintease]

This is such an emotive subject :blink:

I consider myself poly, unfortunately I live in a mono world. I can't count the amount of times I've been told by other online users, aquaintances and even lovers that poly is all about sleeping around and disregarding other peoples feelings, that it can never work, that the 'natural' way to show love is monogamy (despite both the bible and the animal kingdom suggesting otherwise), that there is no way to get beyond the jealousy and fear that most people experience.. despite the fact that most of us manage to move past negative feelings in other areas of our lives, that poly will impact on children negatively... as opposed to what? divorce, affairs, acrimonious breakups? And on and on... I've even had people who have had affairs tell me that polyamory was wrong!:| Um, but weren't you engaging in non-consensual polyamory?!!!

Now however I'm crazy in love with someone who considers himself naturally mono, so can't see himself ever able to be happy in an open arrangement. We both have our own illogical fears about this. He worries that by denying me an allowed outlet, I'll instead have affairs, and I worry that by being so resolutely mono, he'll be dishonest when he does find himself fancying someone else. I can't see it coming to that though. When I met my boyfriend I realised his happiness in our relationship meant more to me than anything else. If he's happy, I'm happy and besides, I can still look :D

[FemmeWriter]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

[girl_dee]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

If it's not where you want to be, then why do it? Poly does not fix problems, being poly is a LOT of work without using it to fix things.

Best of luck to you.

[kannon]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

Are you capable of having a sexually intimate relationship without developing feelings for the person? Some women struggle with this.

[atomiczombie]

If it's not where you want to be, then why do it? Poly does not fix problems, being poly is a LOT of work without using it to fix things.

Best of luck to you.



I totally agree. Being poly is not a way to fix a bad relationship.

[princessbelle]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

Girl. I wasn't going to respond to this but you did say you welcomed advice. Speaking from someone who had an experience in "going poly" because my relationship was in trouble. It didn't work. More than that, it was horrible. It was hell on earth and just lingered for our relationship to end when it should have ended way before that point.

I am an optimist and it is hard to even type that in response to you. But, wow i see some similarities in what you are saying here. Honestly, i'm worried about you. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain i went through with a poly relationship for a fix.

I do believe in poly relationships however, but i certainly don't think they are for everyone for any time in any relationship.

Just wanted to reach out to you, and ask you to really think about it. Love is great but it's not everything. If you are in an unhealthy relationship right now, going this route may only cause you way more pain. I repeat. Way more.

My opinion, of course.

Best of luck.

[Sachita]

Girl. I wasn't going to respond to this but you did say you welcomed advice. Speaking from someone who had an experience in "going poly" because my relationship was in trouble. It didn't work. More than that, it was horrible. It was hell on earth and just lingered for our relationship to end when it should have ended way before that point.

I am an optimist and it is hard to even type that in response to you. But, wow i see some similarities in what you are saying here. Honestly, i'm worried about you. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain i went through with a poly relationship for a fix.

I do believe in poly relationships however, but i certainly don't think they are for everyone for any time in any relationship.

Just wanted to reach out to you, and ask you to really think about it. Love is great but it's not everything. If you are in an unhealthy relationship right now, going this route may only cause you way more pain. I repeat. Way more.

My opinion, of course.

Best of luck.


I remember reading about this in another thread. Big hugz. It;'s true what everyone says- if you don't really feel a poly connection and if monogamy is where you're at then its totally fine. You don't elect poly to fix a relationship but to add to it. Very big difference.

[princessbelle]

I remember reading about this in another thread. Big hugz. It;'s true what everyone says- if you don't really feel a poly connection and if monogamy is where you're at then its totally fine. You don't elect poly to fix a relationship but to add to it. Very big difference.

Thanks Sachita. I don't mean to keep repeating myself which i know i do. All of that is way in my past but, when i see a sister or brother heading down a road i've been, i can't help but try and reach out.

I suppose that's what older people do...rinse and repeat...at least in thoughts. LOL.

[Sachita]

Thanks Sachita. I don't mean to keep repeating myself which i know i do. All of that is way in my past but, when i see a sister or brother heading down a road i've been, i can't help but try and reach out.

I suppose that's what older people do...rinse and repeat...at least in thoughts. LOL.



Darling you should repeat yourself. that is the beauty of exchange and sharing and IMO the reason for discussion. I love your candid exchange. Don't ever stop sharing your experiences.


I might can do poly. I sit on the fence with it mainly because I know how complex it can be. It';s not an easy solution nor can it fix anything. In fact, although not an expert, mind you, I feel it is a choice for some. I love the idea of it but wonder about the execution of it. Under the right circumstances I see it as a beautiful and wonderful thing but in most people's reality it is scary and complex dynamic.

[Leigh]

I'm actually glad that this thread has popped up because I have been thinking about going poly for a long time, and I've met someone that I've been getting to know over the past couple of weeks (not from this site) who is poly. Hy is female in body but identifies more as a male, and is married to a bio man who is also poly. They are open about everything and so far I've felt a very deep connection to the person I am talking to. Hy is just the sweetest guy; we seem to have connected on a very deep level so far and I am simply taking things one day at a time. I can say one thing for sure .......... from what I know of hym so far, hy is simply amazing and I'm on cloud nine :-)

[girl_dee]

Poly is complex and complicated but with the right people and dynamic it's WONDERFUL.

Syr and I had no idea just how wired we were for poly. My Sister wife is the one who brought to our attention that over the years we all had really been poly, even though I was long distance. She and Syr together for 16 years, Syr and her bois longer than that. Not all members of a poly household have sex, like Syr and her bois. Syr has been Daddi to them for about 20 years. I admired that she was capable of loving people in close relationships for long periods of time. It is an easy transition to meld into the household when you have the grace and love of all of those involved. I was not a new toy Syr brought home without the consent of her wife. Her wife is the one who asked for me, saying that Syr and I loved each other respectfully and platonically for years but it was ok if we wanted to nurture that, and before I knew it, we were all in this thing together. She said she always loved how Syr cared for me, and vice versa and didn't see a reason for that to ever end.

We deal with issues but compared to most mono couples we have it really good! We talk, talk, talk, respect and lean on each other. It's a wonderful connection we all have, we play, we cry, we laugh together.

Some want people a new partner added to the union so they can have sex with multiple partners. That is not always the case. We have our fun but the bond with my Sister, Syr's bois and Syr of course is what draws me to this lifestyle. I want the family.

[Leigh]

I really like hearing about how loving your household is Dee :)

[Apocalipstic]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you! (f)

[girl_dee]

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you! (f)

This is what I feel is Polyamory. Not committed by marriage to partners but totally in love with them, sex or no sex.

We also live in the kink world so play comes into play. When we play together as a family, wow the bond even stronger.

I keep sayin, the family that plays together stays together. :)

[FemmeWriter]

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

[Apocalipstic]

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

I hope everything works out! Take care of you first!

[DamonK]

We are poly.

I have another person as well as MBE.

MBE is looking for another.

For us, it is not critical that we all have a relationship. We all have to get along, meaning her partners and me and vice versa.

Let's just say I'm dating X and she's dating Y. We want everyone to get along, but right now, we're not necessarily looking for a family situation.

Are there a couple of people that we could see in our family? Absolutely.

For us, we know that we cannot fill the other's needs entirely. She's my slave. I cannot be her Daddy. Therefore, that's what she's looking for. She knows the energy that I have fulfilled in my separate relationship and is fine with it.

[girl_dee]

We are poly.

I have another person as well as MBE.

MBE is looking for another.

For us, it is not critical that we all have a relationship. We all have to get along, meaning her partners and me and vice versa.

Let's just say I'm dating X and she's dating Y. We want everyone to get along, but right now, we're not necessarily looking for a family situation.

Are there a couple of people that we could see in our family? Absolutely.

For us, we know that we cannot fill the other's needs entirely. She's my slave. I cannot be her Daddy. Therefore, that's what she's looking for. She knows the energy that I have fulfilled in my separate relationship and is fine with it.


Hi Damon !

I think it's great that you can do this. It takes a great deal of maturity and
patience, and security to do this.

I think it takes a great deal of love and security to say "I'm not Daddi/Mommy/Sir/Mistress etc, so if you find that outside of us I am
Ok with that" I know it's not as simple as that but getting to that point
is pretty mature.

[Sachita]

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.


if sexual passion was there once it can be again. It always requires some work. Like a plant it can't exist without being nourished. Sometimes you gotta dig real deep and find things to awaken. Forget about the pressure of orgasm but focus on the lighthearted joy of intimacy, adventure and exploring something new. It took some time to create this distance and it will take time to repair it.

get a little wild with each other.

[Sachita]

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you! (f)


you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.

[girl_dee]

you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.


Exactly! Syr is, and has been the alpha at all times, no matter what. That is the natural order. That is not to say we do not have a voice, of course we do, and She consults us on issues all the time. Sometimes I realize that She is actually informing me, not asking me until I hear *I didn't ask for your opinion, but thank you * :|

She is a female identified butch. We are all *she* including Syr and the bois. It's feels very natural to me. This family has evolved over a period of 20 years, well before the inception of BF forums and Second Life dictating what labels we *should be* using to describe masculine women. It feels right for me being in a Matriarchal family.

We do not have what I call *drama*, we each have issues yes of course. We all evolve of course, we act accordingly. We give each other space to grow with Syr's guidance. There is no attitudes towards each other here, and if something is bothering us we talk about it. Some times it's just a personality quirk that we have to deal with, (aka "get the fuck over it") and sometimes it's a real issue that has to be addressed. You have to have personalities in the household that are gracious and respectful. Immature and self centered people would not do well here. Sometimes a shit stirrer can be the one who seems like the most loyal and respectful, that's not always the case. Sometimes people have an agenda. That would never fly here.

Syr expects us to handle ourselves with each other without Her needing to intervene, and we do. She also knows that a calm household is a happy household and facilitates that.

My Sister wife and I also work together. She graciously hired me to work in her clinic doing bodywork, which adds a very unusual dynamic. She is the boss at work and I respect that, and enjoy it. I get to show up, take care of my clients, and go home. I do have a voice there and stand my ground when I need to, as I would any other job. I contribute to the household finances and receive an allowance from Syr like I always have. If I need anything of course, it comes out of the *pot* which we all contribute to. We are very blessed here financially, but it doesn't come without the work that it takes to make it so. I am learning to ask for things when I want them and not feel like a burden, always something new to learn!

[Sachita]

Exactly! Syr is, and has been the alpha at all times, no matter what. That is the natural order. That is not to say we do not have a voice, of course we do, and She consults us on issues all the time. Sometimes I realize that She is actually informing me, not asking me until I hear *I didn't ask for your opinion, but thank you * :|

She is a female identified butch. We are all *she* including Syr and the bois. It's feels very natural to me. This family has evolved over a period of 20 years, well before the inception of BF forums and Second Life dictating what labels we *should be* using to describe masculine women. It feels right for me being in a Matriarchal family.

We do not have what I call *drama*, we each have issues yes of course. We all evolve of course, we act accordingly. We give each other space to grow with Syr's guidance. There is no attitudes towards each other here, and if something is bothering us we talk about it. Some times it's just a personality quirk that we have to deal with, (aka "get the fuck over it") and sometimes it's a real issue that has to be addressed. You have to have personalities in the household that are gracious and respectful. Immature and self centered people would not do well here. Sometimes a shit stirrer can be the one who seems like the most loyal and respectful, that's not always the case. Sometimes people have an agenda. That would never fly here.

Syr expects us to handle ourselves with each other without Her needing to intervene, and we do. She also knows that a calm household is a happy household and facilitates that.

My Sister wife and I also work together. She graciously hired me to work in her clinic doing bodywork, which adds a very unusual dynamic. She is the boss at work and I respect that, and enjoy it. I get to show up, take care of my clients, and go home. I do have a voice there and stand my ground when I need to, as I would any other job. I contribute to the household finances and receive an allowance from Syr like I always have. If I need anything of course, it comes out of the *pot* which we all contribute to. We are very blessed here financially, but it doesn't come without the work that it takes to make it so. I am learning to ask for things when I want them and not feel like a burden, always something new to learn!

Matriarchal family is exactly the reason.

more later

[Sachita]

I see myself definitely in a matriarchal family where I am alpha and very much as you described Dee. There has to be a spiritual element even if that is unconditional love and devotion. For me to care for, control, own, etc. I must have the exchange of complete control and devotion. In order for me to orchestrate the entire family dynamic I must be informed of how each person feels, thinks and monitor/own their movement. I enjoy full control- mind, body and soul. The more control one gives me the more I flourish. Some don't want the responsibility where I thrive on it. It would be the only way I would agree to a poly household. In fact at this point the only type of relationship I seek. It doesnt have to have bdsm, outward kinky play, although that would be nice, but more importantly a highly spiritual female led dynamic.

[girl_dee]

I see myself definitely in a matriarchal family where I am alpha and very much as you described Dee. There has to be a spiritual element even if that is unconditional love and devotion. For me to care for, control, own, etc. I must have the exchange of complete control and devotion. In order for me to orchestrate the entire family dynamic I must be informed of how each person feels, thinks and monitor/own their movement. I enjoy full control- mind, body and soul. The more control one gives me the more I flourish. Some don't want the responsibility where I thrive on it. It would be the only way I would agree to a poly household. In fact at this point the only type of relationship I seek. It doesnt have to have bdsm, outward kinky play, although that would be nice, but more importantly a highly spiritual female led dynamic.


Those are wonderful attributes of a great Master IMO. Our energy in this house, which we thrive on is M/s and for Syr and I also D/g. It is very powerful and I feel that I am under an umbrella of protection and caring.

I am expected to say what is on my mind if asked, I am not allowed to withhold, and Syr had to learn to be ready for me to unload. Without the prompting I won't say anything, and that is not good. My feelings are never dismissed although I may be told I am over reacting or to put my focus elsewhere. I have gone to my Syr for years for things in my life, only now, they directly affect Her, so much has changed.

My Syr is responsible for me. Not once has She ever made me feel like a burden or a bother, She has pulled Her hair out at times, but that's part of the life here lol. I am also expected to take care of Her property by eating well ( an ongoing struggle) and feeling fulfilled in all facets.

We started out long distance in a wonderful D/s, it was perfect for us both at the time and it just kinda happened. She has been my rock since then. My sister has and is a great mentor for me, that will always be I feel.

[kissinfemme]

Those are wonderful attributes of a great Master IMO. Our energy in this house, which we thrive on is M/s and for Syr and I also D/g. It is very powerful and I feel that I am under an umbrella of protection and caring.

I am expected to say what is on my mind if asked, I am not allowed to withhold, and Syr had to learn to be ready for me to unload. Without the prompting I won't say anything, and that is not good. My feelings are never dismissed although I may be told I am over reacting or to put my focus elsewhere. I have gone to my Syr for years for things in my life, only now, they directly affect Her, so much has changed.

My Syr is responsible for me. Not once has She ever made me feel like a burden or a bother, She has pulled Her hair out at times, but that's part of the life here lol. I am also expected to take care of Her property by eating well ( an ongoing struggle) and feeling fulfilled in all facets.

We started out long distance in a wonderful D/s, it was perfect for us both at the time and it just kinda happened. She has been my rock since then. My sister has and is a great mentor for me, that will always be I feel.


I've thought about poly for a long time, unsure if that was a road I wanted to travel but.... with the way Dee has described her happy family life I would love to have/be a part of something wonderful like that and think I would do very well & thrive with that dynamic. Hmmm....

[girl_dee]

I've thought about poly for a long time, unsure if that was a road I wanted to travel but.... with the way Dee has described her happy family life I would love to have/be a part of something wonderful like that and think I would do very well & thrive with that dynamic. Hmmm....

I would have never gone out and sought this lifestyle. I've always admired the Sister bond in poly families. Still I never thought of myself in this life, in the past I have had major insecurities and such. However, with the right setting and people those things go away and you feel solid and secure.

I suggest to check out your wiring, I would have never thought I would want this, but I am flying in this lifestyle.

dee

[HoustonHuny]

I would have never gone out and sought this lifestyle. I've always admired the Sister bond in poly families. Still I never thought of myself in this life, in the past I have had major insecurities and such. However, with the right setting and people those things go away and you feel solid and secure.

I suggest to check out your wiring, I would have never thought I would want this, but I am flying in this lifestyle.

dee

I am really intriqued by this subject. I have always known that I was non-monogamous, but I think that is entirely different. I had a 20-year, same-time-next-year type of love affair while in committed relationships. If my partners had known about it, they could not have dealt with it. I think it takes a very secure person to be able to handle this type of situation without all of the jealousy and possessivness that just goes with the territory in any relationship. I admire your ability to rise above these issues.

Speaking for myself, I have known being "in-love" with more than one person at a time. Maybe this is not the case with you, but obviously it is the case with your "Syr."

What makes me curious is how she handles the needs of two women at the same time. :winky:

[atomiczombie]

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

[girl_dee]

I am really intriqued by this subject. I have always known that I was non-monogamous, but I think that is entirely different. I had a 20-year, same-time-next-year type of love affair while in committed relationships. If my partners had known about it, they could not have dealt with it. I think it takes a very secure person to be able to handle this type of situation without all of the jealousy and possessivness that just goes with the territory in any relationship. I admire your ability to rise above these issues.

Speaking for myself, I have known being "in-love" with more than one person at a time. Maybe this is not the case with you, but obviously it is the case with your "Syr."

What makes me curious is how she handles the needs of two women at the same time. :winky:


LOL this made me chuckle. Well first let me say that "I feel" ( I made sure I added that this time!) it takes being secure, but your partners have to also take care of this. I mean, we are all very discreet when we need to be and open and up front where we need to be. If the balance is not kept fairly, problems will happen. The best part is the wives encouraging a wonderful relationship with Syr individually. When Syr is right with each of us, we have a great life! When something is amiss with one of us, we all feel it. It's scary and wonderful at the same time.

Being *in love* with more than one person is Polyamorous. I believe this happens so often, but people just don't put a name on it. I feel I am in love with my Sister to a degree, not exactly the way I love Syr. I don't want two lovers. I am also Syr's property so I would never be allowed to sleep or play with anyone beside her, which I have no desire to do anyway.

Syr is great at handling our needs... we are required to ask when we feel we need something, we may not get it but we are required to ask. She is quite a Master at balancing us both, and spreading the love in many ways.

What she is trying to handle is two women cycling at the same time every month. :|

[girl_dee]

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

I am not saying this is your case, but SO many times people say this exact thing, until it happens.

Up front and honest are the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Each and every time someone isn't upfront about something, problems occur in our household. Then once whatever it is comes out, we all talk and get through it, the next day is better than ever.

[HoustonHuny]

What she is trying to handle is two women cycling at the same time every month. :|

Yikes! :scared:

[fever]

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

Atomic, I don't understand your statements here. If I am a stonefemme, I thought I would respect and love you just as you are.

I am a stonefemme, and I am not interested in your "boobs". I wouldn't be going out with a stone or TG if I want to play with breasts. I adore a guy's chest area, and don't even think about the breasts.

I do agree with your statement about honesty and being up front with a partner. Always.

humbly,
Candice

[atomiczombie]

Atomic, I don't understand your statements here. If I am a stonefemme, I thought I would respect and love you just as you are.

I am a stonefemme, and I am not interested in your "boobs". I wouldn't be going out with a stone or TG if I want to play with breasts. I adore a guy's chest area, and don't even think about the breasts.

I do agree with your statement about honesty and being up front with a partner. Always.

humbly,
Candice

Well not all femmes are stone femmes in the way you are. Not all femmes are strictly bottoms. Some switch. Some are Tops. So if I am partnered with a switch, then I would want her to be able to enjoy topping with someone else. Who am I to say she can't get that want fulfilled? I am not interested in confining my partner in a relationship where she doesn't get to enjoy all the things she might like. As long as it is all above board and she is being safe about it, then I would be fine with that.

[kannon]

I am not saying this is your case, but SO many times people say this exact thing, until it happens.

Up front and honest are the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Each and every time someone isn't upfront about something, problems occur in our household. Then once whatever it is comes out, we all talk and get through it, the next day is better than ever.

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Not necessarily kannon, fucking CAN BE just that no feelings attached.. That's my opinion though I don't "need" or "require" heartstrings or posturing in my poly...

[kannon]

Not necessarily kannon, fucking CAN BE just that no feelings attached.. That's my opinion though I don't "need" or "require" heartstrings or posturing in my poly...


You have that ability. I discovered that I was willing and able to share someone I had very strong feelings for. But some can't, or they can't in certain situations, and they, like my X's boyfriend, don't realize their emotional limitations until they experience them. Then they are like, "Oh, shit." My girlfriend's, X suffered for years because he lost something he loved dearly. I feel like the whole experience traumatized him.

Of course, this isn't the case for everyone. But his case is a cautionary tale about the possible emotional repercussions.

[The_Lady_Snow]

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

[always2late]

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

Took the words right out of my mouth. When I read the OP, my first thought was that there is a serious breach of trust there. The incident spoken of went outside the framework of the established relationship. Could the breakup have been due to other factors? Yes, of course that could be the case, however, I'm sure the betrayal of trust didn't help.

[kannon]

Took the words right out of my mouth. When I read the OP, my first thought was that there is a serious breach of trust there. The incident spoken of went outside the framework of the established relationship. Could the breakup have been due to other factors? Yes, of course that could be the case, however, I'm sure the betrayal of trust didn't help.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe things would have worked out differently if we had talked about things before doing them. Certainly, open and honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship, not just poly.

[kittygrrl]

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

It's hard not to keep feelings out of such a close mutually enjoyable relationship for the two intimately involved, so it becomes a little complicated..some people enjoy living on that edge, some people can tolerate it as long as their personal boundaries are respected..I think it works out better if there is a close relationship (not necessarily) sexual with all parties..more of a poly fidelity arrangement than polyamorous..just saying..

[Quintease]

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior.

That. That is not necessarily poly IMO. It is not allowing someone the freedom to be with other people. It is a form of monogamy, only allowing one's partner to have experiences which can be chaperoned and monitored by yourself.

I understand that she wanted things that her boyfriend would not allow, so their relationship suffered. Had he allowed her to make her own decisions, find her own way, he may have kept her and the relationship intact. Instead he pulled and she resisted, until eventually the ties snapped.

You cannot help developing feelings when building a relationship with someone else. Having an open and honest polyamorous relationship means acknowledging that feelings will happen and being ready to confront it openly and honestly. Affection born of a secondary or sexual relationship may indicate that your relationship is in trouble or they may mean nothing at all, just a natural result of intimacy. Liking someone, caring for someone, missing someone, wanting to see someone, doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to run off and build a home with someone.

I think if you want to try polyamory, so as to bring excitement, new partners and new sexual experiences into the relationship, then you also have to be ready to face any resulting fears and jealousy that it will bring up.

[kittygrrl]

That. That is not necessarily poly IMO. It is not allowing someone the freedom to be with other people. It is a form of monogamy, only allowing one's partner to have experiences which can be chaperoned and monitored by yourself.

I understand that she wanted things that her boyfriend would not allow, so their relationship suffered. Had he allowed her to make her own decisions, find her own way, he may have kept her and the relationship intact. Instead he pulled and she resisted, until eventually the ties snapped.

You cannot help developing feelings when building a relationship with someone else. Having an open and honest polyamorous relationship means acknowledging that feelings will happen and being ready to confront it openly and honestly. Affection born of a secondary or sexual relationship may indicate that your relationship is in trouble or they may mean nothing at all, just a natural result of intimacy. Liking someone, caring for someone, missing someone, wanting to see someone, doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to run off and build a home with someone.

I think if you want to try polyamory, so as to bring excitement, new partners and new sexual experiences into the relationship, then you also have to be ready to face any resulting fears and jealousy that it will bring up.

yes excitement and new always feel great, so of course the attachment can be intoxicating..he may very well have wanted to "control" the situation, I don't personally see much wrong with that, as certain boundaries a primary is entitled to..ultimatums (however) are usually toxic to any relationship even if she had stayed..but she chose to leave and hopefully is happier..but I don't think the primary did anything wrong, his boundaries were crossed and he felt disrespected..and took an extreme measure, maybe hastily, but understandable.

[girl_dee]

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

I thought the same thing when I read that. There can be no going behind anyone's back in any relationship, of any kind or there is going to be trouble. To me that indicated there is already a problem.

There is a difference between being discreet and staying in the boundaries of what is agreed upon and doing things behind someone's back.

[girl_dee]

In my situation, we had all been friends for a very long time and with me in service to Syr in a D/s situation.

My spirit sister took me into her home, welcomes me to share her partner and her world. She shares her home, her loves, her work, her money, her life with me, I could never in a million years do ANYthing behind her back, or anyone's.

When she and Syr are at their best, We are all at our best. It's in my best interest to live a happy drama free life.

Honesty is paramount, even if the truth hurts, it's better than the alternative.

[StrongButch]

Thank you all for sharing I am poly I enjoy the service and energy of a boi and at times a grl I am always honest about this and do not feel that I must choose one over the other

[girl_dee]

Thank you all for sharing I am poly I enjoy the service and energy of a boi and at times a grl I am always honest about this and do not feel that I must choose one over the other

do you all live in the same home?

[StrongButch]

I am old fashioned in many ways I observe and talk to folks for a long time before I even ask them out I have found this is what works best for me I like to keep it casual for the 1st year I want to make sure our energy blends and no one gets hurt I have lived in Seattle for 1 1/2 yrs and find many wanna rush I am in no hurry and have been single most my life by choice I find many mistake sex for love and commitement I dont My presence is strong and I require a strong person to serve me as well

[Miss_J]

I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

[girl_dee]

I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

AMEN............

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I read the four threads in this area and I couldn't decided which one to put this is but in the long run decided to put it here. It is one of those thinking out loud posts so it is a little long...

I have been doing a lot of honest self-reflection about My life. Trying to examine all of it honestly and that includes My experience as a poly individual and the more recent attempts to be monogamous. I have been in poly relationships since the age of 18. My poly relationships have been along the lines of Dee's experience where W/we all lived under the same roof. Now mind you not all of them worked or was perfect but I did learn with each new experience what type of poly relationships I could and could not be in. I will also be honest that My longest relationship was a poly one, 18 years. Where there were time periods of being lucky enough to have another woman involved and periods of monogamy only because I had not brought someone into the relationship. My first two experiences with being poly involved bio-men but they never touched Me.
The first one was a nightmare beyond belief. However I think there was a few things playing into that for Me, one of which was that a biologically male was involved and the woman I was with did not know the meaning of honesty. I was also very very young 18 to be honest and the poly relationship was not entered into in a proper way, I know that now. It only lasted a year and then only because he was in the Navy and not home for 6 of those months. Keep in mind I was with this woman for about a year before I found out she was actually married to her husband…I told you she truly did not know the meaning of honesty. The second relationship also involved a married couple, male and female, that I lived with. I ended this one because the woman approached Me and said she wanted to leave her husband and was in love with Me. While I was flattered I was not about to be the reason their marriage ended and it was not what the three of us had agreed to at the start. During this time I was defiantly a Top, like being poly it was just in My blood, however I had not officially entered the life style and was not yet a Dom or a Daddy.
Now on the other hand My longest relationship did see the development of Me as Dom and O/our poly experiences only included femmes. L (My ex) was a boi and the only one I have been with so all the other women I brought into the relationship had their own place in the house and with the communication and following of rules and procedures that were put into place at the start of each one It was a very pleasurable experience and I am not referring to just the sex. If it was just about that I sure would not have taken the responsibility of having more than one in My house. I am of the belief not to have more people in My circle then I can at least take care of emotionally, preferably financially and spiritually as well. At the end of O/our relationship the closest I am came to poly was playing with her with the knowledge of anyone I was in the relationship with.
I have tried since then to be monogamous and while I was successful meaning I never cheated on them or left them for someone else I was never really satisfied or happy. Yet I kept trying because so many people told Me being poly was wrong on top of being a Dom was wrong and TG wrong. I really need to move out of the mid-west *laugh*. Then after L ended O/our 23 year friendship in July of this year My whole life changed in a way. Actually in a positive way making Me examine what has happened since 2004 and especially this year allowing Me to also reexamine the poly versus monogamous relationships. I think I could be happy in a mono relationship with the right woman but I feel a part of Me is missing that I am not being true to Myself about.

[girl_dee]

I read the four threads in this area and I couldn't decided which one to put this is but in the long run decided to put it here. It is one of those thinking out loud posts so it is a little long...

I have been doing a lot of honest self-reflection about My life. Trying to examine all of it honestly and that includes My experience as a poly individual and the more recent attempts to be monogamous. I have been in poly relationships since the age of 18. My poly relationships have been along the lines of Dee's experience where W/we all lived under the same roof. Now mind you not all of them worked or was perfect but I did learn with each new experience what type of poly relationships I could and could not be in. I will also be honest that My longest relationship was a poly one, 18 years. Where there were time periods of being lucky enough to have another woman involved and periods of monogamy only because I had not brought someone into the relationship. My first two experiences with being poly involved bio-men but they never touched Me.
The first one was a nightmare beyond belief. However I think there was a few things playing into that for Me, one of which was that a biologically male was involved and the woman I was with did not know the meaning of honesty. I was also very very young 18 to be honest and the poly relationship was not entered into in a proper way, I know that now. It only lasted a year and then only because he was in the Navy and not home for 6 of those months. Keep in mind I was with this woman for about a year before I found out she was actually married to her husband…I told you she truly did not know the meaning of honesty. The second relationship also involved a married couple, male and female, that I lived with. I ended this one because the woman approached Me and said she wanted to leave her husband and was in love with Me. While I was flattered I was not about to be the reason their marriage ended and it was not what the three of us had agreed to at the start. During this time I was defiantly a Top, like being poly it was just in My blood, however I had not officially entered the life style and was not yet a Dom or a Daddy.
Now on the other hand My longest relationship did see the development of Me as Dom and O/our poly experiences only included femmes. L (My ex) was a boi and the only one I have been with so all the other women I brought into the relationship had their own place in the house and with the communication and following of rules and procedures that were put into place at the start of each one It was a very pleasurable experience and I am not referring to just the sex. If it was just about that I sure would not have taken the responsibility of having more than one in My house. I am of the belief not to have more people in My circle then I can at least take care of emotionally, preferably financially and spiritually as well. At the end of O/our relationship the closest I am came to poly was playing with her with the knowledge of anyone I was in the relationship with.
I have tried since then to be monogamous and while I was successful meaning I never cheated on them or left them for someone else I was never really satisfied or happy. Yet I kept trying because so many people told Me being poly was wrong on top of being a Dom was wrong and TG wrong. I really need to move out of the mid-west *laugh*. Then after L ended O/our 23 year friendship in July of this year My whole life changed in a way. Actually in a positive way making Me examine what has happened since 2004 and especially this year allowing Me to also reexamine the poly versus monogamous relationships. I think I could be happy in a mono relationship with the right woman but I feel a part of Me is missing that I am not being true to Myself about.


Honesty, if there is ONE iota of dishonesty it all comes out and tears down the foundation. Tiny bits of manipulation (even if not intentional) also tears down the foundation. Syr does NOT do well with even the smallest amount of dishonesty, manipulation or secrets.

Monogamy sounds like a nice break after all you have been through. Hell being single sounds like a nice break too, sorry you've been through so much. This life can certainly take a toll on a person if things are not as they should be.

i don't feel that it is the Dominants responsibility to take care of others' emotional, spiritual and sometimes financial well being. i do feel it's the role of the Dominant to guide us in those things, help us make decisions so that we are self sufficient. We all have a role here around here, Syr is at the helm and certainly does her share of care for all us, which is appreciated greatly. The boi and Syr go back a long time, like 20 years and without that kinship the boi would not be where she is today as Syr has paved the way for her to have the life she has today. Without Syr i would not be here. Even with all of that i don't feel it's her job to do so, but she still does it willingly.

Our job is to try to maintain peace and harmony, and i fail at this sometimes. Syr has her hands full and i never want to add to that.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Honesty, if there is ONE iota of dishonesty it all comes out and tears down the foundation. Tiny bits of manipulation (even if not intentional) also tears down the foundation. Syr does NOT do well with even the smallest amount of dishonesty, manipulation or secrets.

Monogamy sounds like a nice break after all you have been through. Hell being single sounds like a nice break too, sorry you've been through so much. This life can certainly take a toll on a person if things are not as they should be.

i don't feel that it is the Dominants responsibility to take care of others' emotional, spiritual and sometimes financial well being. i do feel it's the role of the Dominant to guide us in those things, help us make decisions so that we are self sufficient. We all have a role here around here, Syr is at the helm and certainly does her share of care for all us, which is appreciated greatly. The boi and Syr go back a long time, like 20 years and without that kinship the boi would not be where she is today as Syr has paved the way for her to have the life she has today. Without Syr i would not be here. Even with all of that i don't feel it's her job to do so, but she still does it willingly.

Our job is to try to maintain peace and harmony, and i fail at this sometimes. Syr has her hands full and i never want to add to that.

I agree completely on how dishonesty, manipulation, and secrets tear down the foundation of any relationship but especially a poly relationship. Even if all members do not live under the same roof those three things have to be in place in My opinion.

I am of the belief of 100% honesty from E/everyone (including Myself) 100% of the time. It is an automatic deal breaker for Me whether starting a new relationship (mono or poly), continuing a current relationship, or bringing someone else into the relationship. As for manipulation I think when that occurs it can fall into the jealous and insecurity the girl/boi is feeling. I think it was you Dee that said jealous is about feeling like someone is getting something from Syr/Sir that you want (forgive Me if that is a misquote). I agree with that 100% as well and I believe that is eliminated when there is open communication with A/all members of the family or relationship. I am capable of loving more then one person at the time and it is not always a sexual relationship but it is intimate if that makes sense.

Actually at first monogamy was a nice break. It gave Me time to concentrate on making Me a better person and it was during a monogamous relationship that I discovered the Daddy I am, quit by accident, and I would not trade that experience for anything but that is another thread. However, being in a monogamous relationship started feeling wrong for Me, like I was being dishonest to Myself by denying who I am. So I did take a break from all relationships and was single for about two years now. Now I am open and ready for a new relationship and I am not putting a limit on whether it will be poly or mono. It will however be true to who I am and 100% honest.

To clarify My belief that I am not with more people then I can emotionally, spiritually, financially take care of I meant in a similar way as your Syr. I think it is My responsibility to always be fair with the people in My relationships and they enhance Me and any others as well. It does Me no good or the others in the relationship any good if I spread Myself to thin, have to many subs,girls, or bois in the relationship. To much of a chance for jealousy and reduces My ability to guide them and be there for them when they need Me in some way. E/everyone has their role and if it is working right E/everyone benefits each other, especially if W/we are under the same roof. I really do not know what type of relationship My journey will lead Me to a poly or mono I just know I am finally ready for a r/l relationship again.

Thank you for responding and sharing your experience Dee.

[Ms. Meander]

Is anyone interested in picking up the discussion? I have been making some changes in how I approach intimate relationships and dating, and feel I could use some support and/or just a place to talk it out.

After some unsuccessful poly dabbling in my youth I gave it up for years of serial monogamy. The draw toward polyamory has never left me, though. And as I get older and grow wiser in so many other areas of my life, it seems more and more possible, no - necessary, for me to explore further. I feel entirely confident of my own ability to handle it well. I have a lot of self awareness, good communication skills, the ability to self-care, and I play well with others.

One thing is for certain: that I will be very selective about who I decide to become involved with. I need to be certain that others are meeting me on the same level, that we truly have something healthy to offer each other. I have lived and grown through too much bullshit to allow myself to get sucked into anyone else's emotional immaturity.

All of that said --- the adventure has already begun as I have recently begun to date someone who has a full poly lifestyle, with a primary, secondary, and play partners. It remains to be seen where I will fit in, if anywhere, but right now I am really enjoying her company and the overall experience. I am having my first opportunities to experience myself in relation to sharing and division of time. So far, it feels pretty good. I personally require so much time to myself that it is a relief not to feel pressured to be available all the time. And I know when I do see her I will cherish it all the more for the effort made to carve out special time just for us.

So, I think I've made a good start! I welcome any input. :)

[Sachita]

All of that said --- the adventure has already begun as I have recently begun to date someone who has a full poly lifestyle, with a primary, secondary, and play partners. It remains to be seen where I will fit in, if anywhere, but right now I am really enjoying her company and the overall experience. :)

she sounds like a busy girl! Congrats on the experience tho. I wonder if she would be available if you needed her?

My own personal description of poly would be within a bdsm structure. I know that most poly relationships have rules about outside play partners. In my house there would be none of that. I would need to completely control all of that.

I think poly makes sense if you can make it work. Honestly I;ve only seen a few cases where it did and in all it was within a BDSM house. Then again I admit that I'm not entirely in the know. But I'd like to know others and explore this as an option. In my dreams I dream of having one femme and one boi. I think it would be perfect for me. I too need a lot of space and a lone time which makes a slave feel insecure at times.

[girl_dee]

Hi there!

i'm glad to see you trying again if that is what you wish for. i've learned quite a lot about myself over the last 2 years and much more about others.

i've always been wired for poly but needed someone who was 100% honest, trusting and fully devoted to leave me feeling confident enough to avoid all feelings of jealousy.

One thing is for sure, ANY iota of dishonesty or hidden agenda will crumble the circle.

it was once described to me as a spider web, and if one of the spiders anywhere on the web pulls. the whole web pulls, it may not fall but it's felt by everyone involved.

How true that has been for us.

[Sachita]

Hi there!

i'm glad to see you trying again if that is what you wish for. i've learned quite a lot about myself over the last 2 years and much more about others.

i've always been wired for poly but needed someone who was 100% honest, trusting and fully devoted to leave me feeling confident enough to avoid all feelings of jealousy.

One thing is for sure, ANY iota of dishonesty or hidden agenda will crumble the circle.

it was once described to me as a spider web, and if one of the spiders anywhere on the web pulls. the whole web pulls, it may not fall but it's felt by everyone involved.

How true that has been for us.

I think dishonesty in any relationship is sucky. I hate secrets and being in the dark.

[girl_dee]

I think dishonesty in any relationship is sucky. I hate secrets and being in the dark.

Very true but the difference is that many people are directly affected where a poly relationship is concerned.

[*Anya*]

The woman I am involved with has a long-term butch friend that lives in OR.

Her friend lives in a compound-type setting with 2-3 other butches, each with their own small house.

The femme of the group has her own small house.

They all have their own chores and jobs in the compound and each has their own day/night with the femme.

They all get along and all are friends.

To me, on the face of it, it sounds like an awesome fantasy but in practicality, it would be very difficult. I don't know if it takes a special kind of person to be able to do this in real life but it would be very hard for me.

No judging at all here.

I just know myself and what I could do and not do. Poly would not be a life I could live.

[girl_dee]

The woman I am involved with has a long-term butch friend that lives in OR.

Her friend lives in a compound-type setting with 2-3 other butches, each with their own small house.

The femme of the group has her own small house.

They all have their own chores and jobs in the compound and each has their own day/night with the femme.

They all get along and all are friends.

To me, on the face of it, it sounds like an awesome fantasy but in practicality, it would be very difficult. I don't know if it takes a special kind of person to be able to do this in real life but it would be very hard for me.

No judging at all here.

I just know myself and what I could do and not do. Poly would not be a life I could live.


i think in some way, our farm will be just what you described, only no sex or play amongst everyone.

[Ms. Meander]

she sounds like a busy girl! Congrats on the experience tho. I wonder if she would be available if you needed her?

My own personal description of poly would be within a bdsm structure. I know that most poly relationships have rules about outside play partners. In my house there would be none of that. I would need to completely control all of that.

I think poly makes sense if you can make it work. Honestly I;ve only seen a few cases where it did and in all it was within a BDSM house. Then again I admit that I'm not entirely in the know. But I'd like to know others and explore this as an option. In my dreams I dream of having one femme and one boi. I think it would be perfect for me. I too need a lot of space and a lone time which makes a slave feel insecure at times.


She is busy. Truth. But that works for me right now. At the moment I'm taking my time in this evolution and don't need more than "dating". I even hesitate to use the word "polyamorous" because it actually refers to a specific style of nonmonagamy but we tend to lump all others under that heading. (I've been reading the book Opening Up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. It outlines several different styles including but not limited to - partnered nonmonogamy, swinging, polyamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity, and mono/poly combos). I don't really know yet exactly where I'll land and I'm all about exploring openly. And in the meantime, or really as a part of that, I'm still requiring intimacy.

There is also a BDSM component to all of this for me. The person I'm dating certainly has that going on and I am appreciating learning about how that all works for her. Mostly, I am hooked on the openness and honesty that she is displaying. It is so refreshing. My own self in relation to BDSM is something that is evolving too. Historically I have been strictly submissive and have even engaged in a couple of full-time D/s relationships. However I feel something shifting for me there. I'm still a sub but feel something new coming to the surface. Like I'm part girl and part Mama - both equally valid. Not entirely sure what to do with that yet. Perhaps I should take that to the BDSM exploration thread where I've been lurking a bit lately anyway. ;)

So. I am an ever-evolving work in progress who wants it all while I figure it out. Is that so much to ask? I know it's a lot but I really think it's possible. Perhaps my Pollyanna is showing?

[Ms. Meander]

Hi there!

i'm glad to see you trying again if that is what you wish for. i've learned quite a lot about myself over the last 2 years and much more about others.

i've always been wired for poly but needed someone who was 100% honest, trusting and fully devoted to leave me feeling confident enough to avoid all feelings of jealousy.

One thing is for sure, ANY iota of dishonesty or hidden agenda will crumble the circle.

it was once described to me as a spider web, and if one of the spiders anywhere on the web pulls. the whole web pulls, it may not fall but it's felt by everyone involved.

How true that has been for us.

Honesty. Yes. I need it. Secrets literally make me ill. I am very intuitive and empathic so when something is being kept from me, I sense it. Sometimes I can name it and sometimes it just makes me ill - especially when I try to name it and it is denied by someone else. I just have no space and tolerance for that. Even if the truth is hard, I find it much more acceptable than the alternatives!

I know it can get complicated the more people you add. I know I can do it and that gives me faith that others out there can too. I think I'm prepared for some trial and error, and perhaps some disappointments. But that's part of life, right? What I can do is be my best self and attract the same. I'm here to learn. With an absolutely open and loving heart.

[DamonK]

I am currently in a poly relationship. I've 2 partners under the same roof. I spend time with both of them individually and as a group. Sometimes I sleep with one. Sometimes with another. Communication is paramount. As is trust. Technically, MBE is primary. I will discuss things with her before going to my other partner usually. However, my time is pretty equal. And there are times that I cannot spend with either.... Such as finals week in school. They work together to support me so I can be a student.

The biggest change I would make is I don't have a room of my own. Sometimes, I don't wanna sleep with either of them! Maybe I wanna lay in bed and talk on the phone until I or the other person falls asleep. Maybe I wanna read. Maybe I just wanna be alone. I told them both, if we should move, I want my own room. I would be ok with primarily living with MBE and then living with my other partner for some of the time.

I would accept a 3rd. That is it though.

[QueenofSmirks]

Is anyone interested in picking up the discussion? I have been making some changes in how I approach intimate relationships and dating, and feel I could use some support and/or just a place to talk it out.

After some unsuccessful poly dabbling in my youth I gave it up for years of serial monogamy. The draw toward polyamory has never left me, though. And as I get older and grow wiser in so many other areas of my life, it seems more and more possible, no - necessary, for me to explore further. I feel entirely confident of my own ability to handle it well. I have a lot of self awareness, good communication skills, the ability to self-care, and I play well with others.

One thing is for certain: that I will be very selective about who I decide to become involved with. I need to be certain that others are meeting me on the same level, that we truly have something healthy to offer each other. I have lived and grown through too much bullshit to allow myself to get sucked into anyone else's emotional immaturity.

All of that said --- the adventure has already begun as I have recently begun to date someone who has a full poly lifestyle, with a primary, secondary, and play partners. It remains to be seen where I will fit in, if anywhere, but right now I am really enjoying her company and the overall experience. I am having my first opportunities to experience myself in relation to sharing and division of time. So far, it feels pretty good. I personally require so much time to myself that it is a relief not to feel pressured to be available all the time. And I know when I do see her I will cherish it all the more for the effort made to carve out special time just for us.

So, I think I've made a good start! I welcome any input. :)

Ms Meander, first of all, congratulations on your new journey :) I can truly relate to the first part of the sentence I highlighted in your post - it's one of the things I recognized about myself at some point, and is a fundamental component of why I am poly. However, I find at times I have to reassert those boundaries so that I *can* have time to myself.

I have more to say, but I have to be out the door in 30 minutes, so will continue later! :)

[Sachita]

I am currently in a poly relationship. I've 2 partners under the same roof. I spend time with both of them individually and as a group. Sometimes I sleep with one. Sometimes with another. Communication is paramount. As is trust. Technically, MBE is primary. I will discuss things with her before going to my other partner usually. However, my time is pretty equal. And there are times that I cannot spend with either.... Such as finals week in school. They work together to support me so I can be a student.

The biggest change I would make is I don't have a room of my own. Sometimes, I don't wanna sleep with either of them! Maybe I wanna lay in bed and talk on the phone until I or the other person falls asleep. Maybe I wanna read. Maybe I just wanna be alone. I told them both, if we should move, I want my own room. I would be ok with primarily living with MBE and then living with my other partner for some of the time.

I would accept a 3rd. That is it though.

I must have my own room and my own space. I would also make sure whomever I was with had the same. I don't blame you

[JustLovelyJenn]

I'm here, but I am going to watch for a while... support is always something I can do with more of...

[Ms. Meander]

I came here yesterday morning and started to write a post about some of the unpleasant and defensive reactions I'm getting from people as I'm coming out as poly. But then I was called away and never made it back.

Later in the day I had a surprising experience that counterbalanced some of the above negativity. I visited with a friend who is dear to me because she has an open and loving heart. However, our differences are vast. She is older than me, straight, kind of sheltered in her thinking and experiences, definitely vanilla. When she asked about my love life I decided to just spill it all, fully expecting judgement and lack of understanding. But that's not what I got. She was genuinely intrigued. Having unsuccessfully dabbled in poly in her own youth, she has always wondered if there was a way to do it better. And now, she is feeling like she may like to explore it again but had no idea where to start or who she could talk to about it without feeling judged. We talked for hours. It was great for both of us. She got to open her horizons, receive new information, and walked away with resources she could only dream of before. I got to be heard, understood, respected. And I discovered that I'm much more knowledgeable than I give myself credit for.

Because there is some crossover for me, and in some of the resources I directed her to, we broached the topic of BDSM. Now this is something waaaaaayyyyy outside her understanding and comfort zone. Just think about all of the stigmas and judgements of mainstream, vanilla society - that's what she had to work with on the topic. But because she knows me as a kind, loving, and evolved soul it opened her eyes to the possibilities because she could never believe that I would be involved with anything evil or destructive. We talked for hours and it was amazing.

The main take-away for me is the benefit of living openly and honestly. I am learning, as with in other areas of my life also, the more open I am, the more open others are with me. When I speak truth, some people can't wait to speak it back. Yes, there will always be naysayers and those who think I am just plain nuts but the honest connections I'm making with some far outweighs the negative.

[Ms. Meander]

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

[Sachita]

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

I don't kiss on the mouth anyone but my primary lover. Kissing is a very intimate and sacred act for me. But I am told when I get drunk I want to kiss everyone! lol I don't get drunk that often and certainly not around a lot of people I think I might want to kiss!

[Sachita]

But I do think that if there are a few in a committed relationship that kissing would be ok. I know there are poly relationships where there is emotions but rules on physical, sexual contact. If I had a few slaves, which is the only way I'd be interested in poly, they would belong to me and have to keep to my rules. This would also mean when it came to any level of intimacy.

Ms Meander I can feel the excitement in your sexual liberation and I'm excited for you. I know how hard it is when your friends and family want to judge you or they don't understand why you want certain things. I would say the best solution is happiness and to live by example. When people see that you are happy they suddenly don't care. If anything they become curious.

[girl_dee]

Syr and i are only intimate with each other so kissing others is a non issue.

i am glad that Syr allows for an open forum in Her household. Yes She sets the tone, the rules, the bylaws and i appreciate that. You can ask just about anything, sometimes the answer is no, sometimes yes. If it's no and you proceed anyway, you've cut your own throat so to speak.

If there is something that needs fine tuning, we talk. She mostly just asks for us to be peaceful and figure things out as best we can. There are some things She etches in stone. Some things we can tweak to meet a happy medium. We are also partners so we have many levels here. We are in this for the long haul, and Syr wants me to be happy.

She also understands that if She were to say *My way or the highway* on every single issue, i would feel voiceless and shut down. i love that even as a slave i have a voice, i may not always get the answer i am seeking, and often get reality checks, but She leads from a place of love and respect. It's hard not to want to be the very best i can be and please Her with my submission.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

This is the third attempt I have made to answer your question Ms. Meander..I seem to keep being pulled away each time I have sat down to answer it. I actually found it a rather interesting question and wanted to add how I handle and think about the topic.
First I consider kissing to be one of the most intimate things you can do with a person. I never kiss "play partners" it is just a non-issue and something I have lived by because of what the act of kissing means.
In the polyamorous relationships I have been in the past it was a non-issue because well simply because I made the rules and I was the only dominant involved. So yes I kissed the women I was in a relationship with. Then again we all lived under the same roof.
Now though I am finding myself in polyamorous relationships where we do not live under the same roof and I am starting to ask myself that very question. Where does kissing play a part in each relationship and how do I or should I handle such an intimate act/subject? Like everything else I think it should be discussed..openly and honestly. I also think it will depend on who the other people are, if I know them or not. It will also depend on how many are involved.
I will need to be able to kiss my primary partner. I need that level of intimacy. Yet, there will be other things to consider so it is not as simple or as easy to answer as I first thought it would be. When I sat down to answer how I felt about kissing in polyamorous relationships that involve me.

[Martina]

Syr and i are only intimate with each other so kissing others is a non issue.


You've said many times you had a spirit sister wife?

[Sachita]

You've said many times you had a spirit sister wife?

I wondered the same thing.

[Ms. Meander]

Ms Meander I can feel the excitement in your sexual liberation and I'm excited for you. I know how hard it is when your friends and family want to judge you or they don't understand why you want certain things. I would say the best solution is happiness and to live by example. When people see that you are happy they suddenly don't care. If anything they become curious.


Thank you for sharing in my excitement! It is a sexual liberation of sorts. It is also, perhaps more so, a mental, emotional, and even spiritual liberation. For many years I have been trying to jam myself into boxes which did not fit me. And because I am now healthy, strong, grounded, and confident -- so much more is possible. Including the ability to explore different ways of having relationships that are healthy and meaningful.
I think you are right, anyone who observes me for a little while will come to see that whatever I am doing is working for me, and maybe even be happy for me whether they understand it or not.

:)

[Sachita]

Thank you for sharing in my excitement! It is a sexual liberation of sorts. It is also, perhaps more so, a mental, emotional, and even spiritual liberation. For many years I have been trying to jam myself into boxes which did not fit me. And because I am now healthy, strong, grounded, and confident -- so much more is possible. Including the ability to explore different ways of having relationships that are healthy and meaningful.
I think you are right, anyone who observes me for a little while will come to see that whatever I am doing is working for me, and maybe even be happy for me whether they understand it or not.

:)

I've done the box cramming thing. It's hard when you don't fit into any. It's been a spiritual journey for me too. My sexual liberation and being ok with who I am even when people think I'm a freak.

My family and very close friends know just about everything about me. Including my mom. She use to have a bad habit of getting past the guard at the gate and letting herself in. One day she walked in on something she didn't want to see! lol It broke her of that habit. Being queer was something everyone accepted right away and I've always been queer but I kept adding layer on. But I must say they accept me and only want me to be happy. I couldn't imagine not sharing my adopted family with my real family.

[Ms. Meander]

This is the third attempt I have made to answer your question Ms. Meander..I seem to keep being pulled away each time I have sat down to answer it. I actually found it a rather interesting question and wanted to add how I handle and think about the topic.
First I consider kissing to be one of the most intimate things you can do with a person. I never kiss "play partners" it is just a non-issue and something I have lived by because of what the act of kissing means.
In the polyamorous relationships I have been in the past it was a non-issue because well simply because I made the rules and I was the only dominant involved. So yes I kissed the women I was in a relationship with. Then again we all lived under the same roof.
Now though I am finding myself in polyamorous relationships where we do not live under the same roof and I am starting to ask myself that very question. Where does kissing play a part in each relationship and how do I or should I handle such an intimate act/subject? Like everything else I think it should be discussed..openly and honestly. I also think it will depend on who the other people are, if I know them or not. It will also depend on how many are involved.
I will need to be able to kiss my primary partner. I need that level of intimacy. Yet, there will be other things to consider so it is not as simple or as easy to answer as I first thought it would be. When I sat down to answer how I felt about kissing in polyamorous relationships that involve me.

I agree that kissing is an act of intimacy. An act of intimacy that is important to me and I enjoy greatly. Most people I'm talking to agree that one does not kiss their play partners. Makes sense to me. But it seems to get more tricky when it comes to multiple intimate relationships, as you are noticing, yourself. If there are rules around kissing they often have to do with keeping that particular act between primaries. I understand this too.

When I'm thinking of myself in relation to this topic I have a lot of questions. First, I don't know what kind of relationship structure will ultimately work best for me. What if I decide not to pursue a primary relationship of my own and am content to be the second or third to others -- and then they all have agreements only to kiss their primaries? Who do I get to kiss? Obviously there are potential solutions to this but these are the sorts of questions that pop up.

I find it useful to hear other people's thoughts and experiences as I form my understandings and opinions on these topics. I thank you all for playing along!

[Medusa]

You've said many times you had a spirit sister wife?



Martina-

You were instructed on November 17th during a moderation by June to put dee on ignore and not to engage with her any further.

This was not an optional request and we are not going to devote any more energy to keeping you from posting to her or after her when we've been clear of our expectations.

You are now on a 2-week time-out. During that time you are not to access the site or the Facebook pages of any of the Admins or Moderators.

Thanks,
Medusa

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I agree that kissing is an act of intimacy. An act of intimacy that is important to me and I enjoy greatly. Most people I'm talking to agree that one does not kiss their play partners. Makes sense to me. But it seems to get more tricky when it comes to multiple intimate relationships, as you are noticing, yourself. If there are rules around kissing they often have to do with keeping that particular act between primaries. I understand this too.

When I'm thinking of myself in relation to this topic I have a lot of questions. First, I don't know what kind of relationship structure will ultimately work best for me. What if I decide not to pursue a primary relationship of my own and am content to be the second or third to others -- and then they all have agreements only to kiss their primaries? Who do I get to kiss? Obviously there are potential solutions to this but these are the sorts of questions that pop up.

I find it useful to hear other people's thoughts and experiences as I form my understandings and opinions on these topics. I thank you all for playing along!

Actually Ms. Meander I think you are going about this the right way. I sure wish I had access to a site like this and others with different experiences when I first discovered Poly relationships.
At least you have questions and are trying to find answers to them for you and the type of relationship you may get into. I have found it is easier and better to have the answer to my questions before I get into the situation. As long as I keep in mind that each relationship is different and I may have over looked a possible answer. That is why communication, open and honest communication, is always key. Even with the who to kiss question...as my relationships change I continue the communication so that needs are being met or hopefully met.

I thank you for asking the questions...it helps me know where I stand today compared to years ago when I began this process.

[SFvince64]

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been in poly relationships in the past but I find that dynamic doesn't work too well for me. As a Daddy & Dominant, I prefer to be a priority and not an option.

When in a D/s relationship, my girl & I don't kiss others outside of our connection. It's intimate and special to me and not something I want to share outside of my romantic commitment.

However, when I'm single and playing with someone particularly hot who is likewise, unattached, I may ask for permission to kiss. I'm a good kisser and enjoy kissing, so sometimes it is an option when negotiating play with someone else who is single. I, of course, respect their boundaries and don't feel upset or slighted if no kissing is allowed.

[girl_dee]

I agree that kissing is an act of intimacy. An act of intimacy that is important to me and I enjoy greatly. Most people I'm talking to agree that one does not kiss their play partners. Makes sense to me. But it seems to get more tricky when it comes to multiple intimate relationships, as you are noticing, yourself. If there are rules around kissing they often have to do with keeping that particular act between primaries. I understand this too.

When I'm thinking of myself in relation to this topic I have a lot of questions. First, I don't know what kind of relationship structure will ultimately work best for me. What if I decide not to pursue a primary relationship of my own and am content to be the second or third to others -- and then they all have agreements only to kiss their primaries? Who do I get to kiss? Obviously there are potential solutions to this but these are the sorts of questions that pop up.

I find it useful to hear other people's thoughts and experiences as I form my understandings and opinions on these topics. I thank you all for playing along!


i think it's great that people address these things BEFOREHAND. While one may think kissing is no big deal, someone else feels it's as intimate as sex.

[DamonK]

Kissing... Highly sensual, highly erotic.

I'd never deprive a partner the opportunity to kiss someone they're dating as long as all those affected are aware of it and okay with it.

Fondling, sex... On the other hand, is different.

You can come home and tell me, "hey, I grabbed .. and kissed them.". My response? Did you have fun....?

You come home and tell me, "hey, I slept with.." and my response will be WTF?!

Things happen. I get that. I'm very forgiving. Just communicate with me. Beforehand preferably.

[aishah]

for me, if i want to be with someone, then usually i want to be emotionally intimate with them as well as physically, and that can involve kissing. so we don't have rules or boundaries around that.

[Ms. Meander]

Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Even though I've had some experience with polyamory in the past, and have continuously had some poly people somewhere in my sphere, I am throwing everything I thought I knew out the window and starting from scratch. Because my former perceptions were based in different types of biases, which limited me.

I was apprehensive about sharing openly here and still am, a little - but mostly out of habit. I've never been one to share too deeply in the forums because I had a lot of wounds that needed protecting. Now that they are healed, I am finding my voice, my liberation. And I am very grateful to have a place to share and wonder. Thank you.

[Sachita]

Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Even though I've had some experience with polyamory in the past, and have continuously had some poly people somewhere in my sphere, I am throwing everything I thought I knew out the window and starting from scratch. Because my former perceptions were based in different types of biases, which limited me.

I was apprehensive about sharing openly here and still am, a little - but mostly out of habit. I've never been one to share too deeply in the forums because I had a lot of wounds that needed protecting. Now that they are healed, I am finding my voice, my liberation. And I am very grateful to have a place to share and wonder. Thank you.

You go girl! Have fun and make no excuses for being a vivacious, free spirited woman.

My journey for liberation wasn't about the type of sex I wanted to have, being queer or the many other things I engaged in. It was about being a woman and being whatever kind of woman I wanted to be. Not a mold from the society I was born into. It's a brave person who follows the beat of their own drum. Not an easy thing but the most fulfilling to your spirit.

[girl_dee]

Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Even though I've had some experience with polyamory in the past, and have continuously had some poly people somewhere in my sphere, I am throwing everything I thought I knew out the window and starting from scratch. Because my former perceptions were based in different types of biases, which limited me.

I was apprehensive about sharing openly here and still am, a little - but mostly out of habit. I've never been one to share too deeply in the forums because I had a lot of wounds that needed protecting. Now that they are healed, I am finding my voice, my liberation. And I am very grateful to have a place to share and wonder. Thank you.


Yes good for you. IMO ALL Poly relationships are unique. Ours certainly is! One size does not fit all so you either have to join a family that suits you or build one that suits you. Ours has had some shifts but our foundation is rock solid with Syr at the helm.


My biggest gripe is that people assume that poly = free for all sex/play for everyone. The Head of the Household has sex with anyone, everyone, whenever they want.
That could be true for some but not all.

[Ms. Meander]

I am having some interesting and growth provoking experiences already in my journey into polyamory. Because this is all new and I started out single, I am mostly just dating. I could be called a solo polyamorist. What makes my situation different then just plain dating is that am open to multiple lovers and open to the possibilities of those relationships evolving into something deeper and long-lasting. The people I become involved with must understand and agree to these terms. I love the openness and clarity of it all. I am challenged to put my communication skills to work in ways that are still unfamiliar and a little uncomfortable at times, just because it is new. But the result is satisfying.

There have been a couple of bumps in the road already, that are being overcome. An ongoing lover who I believe to have longer-term potential is a very busy person and I got lost in the shuffle over the holidays, there was miscommunication when she thought we had spoken about something when in fact, I was left dangling. I didn't like it and I had to let her know. It was awkward for me but I did it and I'm glad I did. She's sorry and feels badly that the circumstances did not reflect my importance to her. I am valuable. My time is valuable. My relationships need to reflect that.

It was also awkward for me to tell her that I'm about to go on a date with someone new. All of this openness is not second-nature. Society breeds it out of us and we have to work hard to re-learn it. So glad I'm making the effort.

[StoneOne]

great thread

Thanks !

[girl_dee]

I am having some interesting and growth provoking experiences already in my journey into polyamory. Because this is all new and I started out single, I am mostly just dating. I could be called a solo polyamorist. What makes my situation different then just plain dating is that am open to multiple lovers and open to the possibilities of those relationships evolving into something deeper and long-lasting. The people I become involved with must understand and agree to these terms. I love the openness and clarity of it all. I am challenged to put my communication skills to work in ways that are still unfamiliar and a little uncomfortable at times, just because it is new. But the result is satisfying.

There have been a couple of bumps in the road already, that are being overcome. An ongoing lover who I believe to have longer-term potential is a very busy person and I got lost in the shuffle over the holidays, there was miscommunication when she thought we had spoken about something when in fact, I was left dangling. I didn't like it and I had to let her know. It was awkward for me but I did it and I'm glad I did. She's sorry and feels badly that the circumstances did not reflect my importance to her. I am valuable. My time is valuable. My relationships need to reflect that.

It was also awkward for me to tell her that I'm about to go on a date with someone new. All of this openness is not second-nature. Society breeds it out of us and we have to work hard to re-learn it. So glad I'm making the effort.


Hi there!

Thank you so much for sharing this. i thing i have learned is that communication and 100% honesty, which includes divulging ALL that needs to be divulged is KEY to poly. Those little bumps need to be nipped in the bud to avoid a full blown problem down the line.

i have a rule that i talk about sometimes. It's kind of a 2 day thing. If something is bothering me after a couple of days, i need to talk about it. i sometimes have a knee jerk reaction to things, and i am trying to work on that. i am also working on not taking other people's behaviors personally.

Holding back on what needs to be discussed is damaging. Hearing the truth can be painful, but anything less will only make matters worse.

[Ms. Meander]

Hi there!

Thank you so much for sharing this. i thing i have learned is that communication and 100% honesty, which includes divulging ALL that needs to be divulged is KEY to poly. Those little bumps need to be nipped in the bud to avoid a full blown problem down the line.

i have a rule that i talk about sometimes. It's kind of a 2 day thing. If something is bothering me after a couple of days, i need to talk about it. i sometimes have a knee jerk reaction to things, and i am trying to work on that. i am also working on not taking other people's behaviors personally.

Holding back on what needs to be discussed is damaging. Hearing the truth can be painful, but anything less will only make matters worse.




I like the two day rule idea. For me it's more about holding back but I do like to take some time and check my own motives. Trouble comes when I wait too long.

What I'm finding interesting, in my case, is that I am dating. Anything I have going on is still new. But I'm finding that my old "dating rules" do not all apply. There is much more intention and a little less "waiting to see what happens". I am finding it necessary to communicate in ways I normally wouldn't so early in a relationship - in order to nip things in the bud, as you say, or really get things off on the right foot. It may seem as if some spontaneity is taken away but in reality, it is liberating.

[girl_dee]

I like the two day rule idea. For me it's more about holding back but I do like to take some time and check my own motives. Trouble comes when I wait too long.

What I'm finding interesting, in my case, is that I am dating. Anything I have going on is still new. But I'm finding that my old "dating rules" do not all apply. There is much more intention and a little less "waiting to see what happens". I am finding it necessary to communicate in ways I normally wouldn't so early in a relationship - in order to nip things in the bud, as you say, or really get things off on the right foot. It may seem as if some spontaneity is taken away but in reality, it is liberating.

i am a bottom line type of person. i'd rather cut to the chase and get the dealbreaking questions out of the way. If there is something there that would stop me from going further, i'd rather know right away, and know that it won't go beyond dating if that, or end it completely. SO many times i ignored this step in relationships only to have the dealbreakers staring me in the face and me being angry about it.

So in the dating phase, i've learned not to make assumptions but to ask really hard questions and expect honesty. i have also learned that not everyone can be taken at their word, but you have to start somewhere.

[Sachita]

i am a bottom line type of person. i'd rather cut to the chase and get the dealbreaking questions out of the way. If there is something there that would stop me from going further, i'd rather know right away, and know that it won't go beyond dating if that, or end it completely. SO many times i ignored this step in relationships only to have the dealbreakers staring me in the face and me being angry about it.

So in the dating phase, i've learned not to make assumptions but to ask really hard questions and expect honesty. i have also learned that not everyone can be taken at their word, but you have to start somewhere.


This is the biggest pet peeve I have....beating around the bush and all the fucking drama. I'm a bottom line person too. Some people find me unsettling because I Sooooo cut to the chase and in the south it catches people off guard.

The word dating is kinda funny for me. It's more of a consideration. IF I think you will fit into my world I'll consider you and give you a chance to prove it. In exchange I'll give you a chance to know me and see if we are the right fit.

[Martina]

I will do service for someone after getting to know them some -- but only for events or short periods of time. This is to see what it is like with them. Nothing can substitute for actually being in service to someone. But, make no mistake, they are under consideration with me too. I don't put it that way. But if a bottom/sub is SURE she wants to serve someone without getting to know her better, then there is likely a problem. That or lightening struck and it's one of those relationships in a million. But for most of us, while the sub is being considered officially, the Dominant is being evaluated too. And that's as it should be.

[Sachita]

I will do service for someone after getting to know them some -- but only for events or short periods of time. This is to see what it is like with them. Nothing can substitute for actually being in service to someone. But, make no mistake, they are under consideration with me too. I don't put it that way. But if a bottom/sub is SURE she wants to serve someone without getting to know her better, then there is likely a problem. That or lightening struck and it's one of those relationships in a million. But for most of us, while the sub is being considered officially, the Dominant is being evaluated too. And that's as it should be.

I think this is how all D/s relationships should be. I can't wrap my head around this instant slave shit. I have people in my life today who were once considered and we did bond as friends but never anything more. We will always share a different space then most friends. I won't invest into any type of relationship unless it is enduring even if it means friendship. People have made comment about how people come into my life and leave so quickly. I don't waste time with bullshit and will quickly move it out of my life. They also don't see all the wonderful people that remain friends for many years to come.

The biggest problem I see with meeting people is that they don't lay the cards on the table. If you're unsure of the course then just say so. I am never sure at first nor so I pretend to be. I leave everything pretty lighthearted and just pay attention.

I need to get back to work... lol I could easily get distracted today'

[Ms. Meander]

The word dating is kinda funny for me. It's more of a consideration. IF I think you will fit into my world I'll consider you and give you a chance to prove it. In exchange I'll give you a chance to know me and see if we are the right fit.

The word dating is kind of funny, now that you mention it. Like most things, people have their own definitions. Your post has made me think, more specifically, about what I mean by "dating" and what I expect from it. I expect this is something that will be evolving along with everything else.

At this point it is a term I use to define any romantic or sexual relationship where I am spending time with a person and we have not yet defined our relationship as anything more specific. It is the "getting to know you" period. I guess it is fair to say that one of my relationships has already evolved past dating because even though we have yet to clearly define ourselves we acknowledge our special connection, agree to pursue it, and she has renegotiated the terms of her primary relationship to allow for the possibility of my inclusion as a long-term partner.

At this time it behooves me to remain a largely independent entity. I don't need to be someone's primary partner, I don't want to move in. But I do want meaningful connections. It may suit me to have a more committed and defined relationship, and a lover or two with whom I have a good connection/friendship but we see each other less often and go on occasional dates. I think I might still call the latter, dating. Or maybe we would find another term for it if it becomes long-lasting. Good food for thought.

[Sachita]

Sam thats a good way to put it- meaningful connections. I think this is me today. I like the idea of owning and controlling a slave, for sure but I am interested in meaningful connections. I'm not a casual sex person but I can be very intimate with like humans who have something to offer instead of selfish agenda. I don't do well with humans who are are selfish and lack spiritual connections, whatever they chose to call them or how they express them

[Ms. Meander]

Being an ethical non-monogamist is not all fun a games, in case anyone is wondering. Although there are plenty of fun and games, there is also a good measure of work. Work on oneself, self-searching honesty and humility. Work on relationships and communication skills. Lots and lots of intention and implementation. Boundary discovery and establishment. Attention to feelings, needs, and desires - hers, hers, mine, her partner's - and the cat's.

It is work. I asked for it, and I am being given every opportunity to test my commitment to growth and change - the opportunity to walk my talk. And I am giving myself the opportunity to create the life I want, in open, meaningful relation to others.

I'm pleased with what I'm learning about myself, so far. And I am having a whole lot of fun along the way!

[Sachita]

Being an ethical non-monogamist is not all fun a games, in case anyone is wondering. Although there are plenty of fun and games, there is also a good measure of work. Work on oneself, self-searching honesty and humility. Work on relationships and communication skills. Lots and lots of intention and implementation. Boundary discovery and establishment. Attention to feelings, needs, and desires - hers, hers, mine, her partner's - and the cat's.

It is work. I asked for it, and I am being given every opportunity to test my commitment to growth and change - the opportunity to walk my talk. And I am giving myself the opportunity to create the life I want, in open, meaningful relation to others.

I'm pleased with what I'm learning about myself, so far. And I am having a whole lot of fun along the way!

It is a lot of work no matter how simple or complex your relationships. In fact I was lying in my bed the other morning (I often wake up very early, light a candle, play music and think) at how much I've changed over the years. There's so many things about being single and a lone I really love. When I think about being in a relationship, especially the wrong relationship it freaks me out a little. I'm so comfortable in my own skin and with my own company that I question if its healthy. lol I love company and I'd love to be in love but honestly I wonder if that "right" person exist. My EX was a lot like me and it was really nice. We didn't always question each other and we both enjoyed our alone space and time together. We didn't have to make excuses or worry about stupid shit. Had she not cheated and lied to me I would have had the perfect partner. But I would have eventually come to some of the realizations I have this past year so maybe not.

I'm not sure how hard I'm willing to work anymore or how much BS I'm willing to endure for the sake of a relationship. I know it sounds like I;ve given up but I really haven't. I think for sure that I'd like an intelligent, strong, compassionate, well rounded partner and if they are not as submissive as I might like or need that they would be ok with me having slaves. I've thought about this long and hard lately. I could only ever be really sexually intimate (kissing on the mouth, fucking etc.) with one person, however I can play and have D/s relationships with others.

Again, I"m just looking and waiting for the right person(s). They would need to be very secure and self sufficient.

[Martina]

IMO, if any of this facilitates your personal growth, it's worth it. If you are in a committed relationship for life that at least is not tearing you down, it's worth it. If you are young and have massive amounts of bandwidth to spare and are having a hell of a great time, it's worth it.

Otherwise, it is TOO much work. Unless you just have play partners or are quite selfish. As I get older, I am less of a fan of poly -- for me. It's fine if the person in my life wants poly as long as the other people in her life don't fuck up my peace with their stoopid drama. I would rather go on a meditation retreat or go to a concert or travel. :( Getting old, I guess.

Plus my job is a people job. And truly I have already learned a lot about myself. I am not as interested in me as I used to be. All a function of age, I guess. No regrets. We change.

Being an ethical non-monogamist is not all fun a games, in case anyone is wondering. Although there are plenty of fun and games, there is also a good measure of work. Work on oneself, self-searching honesty and humility. Work on relationships and communication skills. Lots and lots of intention and implementation. Boundary discovery and establishment. Attention to feelings, needs, and desires - hers, hers, mine, her partner's - and the cat's.

It is work. I asked for it, and I am being given every opportunity to test my commitment to growth and change - the opportunity to walk my talk. And I am giving myself the opportunity to create the life I want, in open, meaningful relation to others.

I'm pleased with what I'm learning about myself, so far. And I am having a whole lot of fun along the way!

[Sachita]

IMO, if any of this facilitates your personal growth, it's worth it. If you are in a committed relationship for life that at least is not tearing you down, it's worth it. If you are young and have massive amounts of bandwidth to spare and are having a hell of a great time, it's worth it.

Otherwise, it is TOO much work. Unless you just have play partners or are quite selfish. As I get older, I am less of a fan of poly -- for me. It's fine if the person in my life wants poly as long as the other people in her life don't fuck up my peace with their stoopid drama. I would rather go on a meditation retreat or go to a concert or travel. :( Getting old, I guess.

Plus my job is a people job. And truly I have already learned a lot about myself. I am not as interested in me as I used to be. All a function of age, I guess. No regrets. We change.

amen! I'm totally with you Martina!

There are so many things that are important to me. I value all the things I've worked so hard to arrive at. Even the cartoon people that have come to work for me in the past few years.... now I am more careful about how I exchange energy. In fact most of the time lately I get up, bust my ass and do shit myself. There is a sense of pride and its liberating but I'm also not 20 any more and there aren't enough hours in the day. I'd love to have a housemate but worry that it will disrupt the tranquility I have here. Even the dogs feel it.

[MsM]

Poly is a tough nut for sure. I was poly for years, 12 to be exact, probably more than that without the label. I really thought it was my only option as I am so fluid that I never could find one person who met all those needs.

I needed a butch to my femme, a boy to my Lady, and a Daddy to my little girl. I'm not a switch when it comes to Dominance, but even I have my little moments where I want to be safe and protected. But as a very typical Scorpio, I'm sexually possessive, and struggle with jealousy once I'm intimate with someone and they are intimate with someone else.

I am blessed beyond belief to have found someone who fits all those niches in my head and I for her. I never thought there was someone like me out there. So at 40, I gave up poly and committed myself to a monogamous relationship. I've never been happier.

I still think poly can work, and have seen it work. I no longer believe it works (or ever worked) for me.

[Sachita]

I needed a butch to my femme, a boy to my Lady, and a Daddy to my little girl. I'm not a switch when it comes to Dominance, but even I have my little moments where I want to be safe and protected. .

If I found that all in one person I would commit to monogamy. Lucky you!

[MsM]

If I found that all in one person I would commit to monogamy. Lucky you!

Very lucky! It was funny when we met we both kept trying to stick to the role we were 'supposed' to be. Then we started slowly seeing other traits that we knew matched our 'other' traits. It was a lot of fun realizing we needed to throw out every rule book we ever had in our heads and make new ones, just for us.

Love that boy! This weekend is our 1 year anniversary. :eyebat:

[Sachita]

Very lucky! It was funny when we met we both kept trying to stick to the role we were 'supposed' to be. Then we started slowly seeing other traits that we knew matched our 'other' traits. It was a lot of fun realizing we needed to throw out every rule book we ever had in our heads and make new ones, just for us.

Love that boy! This weekend is our 1 year anniversary. :eyebat:

You know its so cool when you meet highly evolved spirits who are fluid and move easily. I am a complex woman and although strong and stubborn I have many aspects to my nature. It's so refreshing to meet people who are flexible and have a sense of adventure. Life is ever changing and moving. This is why I hate labels. I could never fit in one nor would I want to,

[Ms. Meander]

I am not so young (40), nor do I have massive amounts of energy to spare (chronic fatigue). I do not think I am naive, but optimistic and hopeful that I am whole enough, and have the skills to create with intention the sort of relationships which will suit my needs best. The "wild card" in this endeavor for me is the other people, their baggage and ability to meet me where I am. It requires of me to be very solid in myself - to be open, honest, and loving yet somehow retain a bit of a thick skin. As a sensitive, empathic, intuitive Cancerian, I have historically been easily hurt. So I am finding it to be a good deal of work and energy spent getting to a different place.

However, there are two major goals being accomplished in all of this for me that really make it worth the effort. First of all, my personal growth is being furthered. I have the opportunity to break old patterns; to set boundaries, state needs, and finally to be assertive and confident, expecting others to respect me where I am with no guilt or shame. So even though it can be a bit tiring getting comfortable with the “new me” and pushing outside of my previously held comfort zones, the pay-off is huge. I feel like this part of things will become less work and more second nature as I become more practiced.

Secondly, as a person who requires gross amounts of space and alone time, it may seem counter-intuitive for me to try to maintain multiple relationships. But because there are as many definitions of poly as there are practitioners, I can try to create something that works for me. Right now it works extremely well for me to have two lovers who each live about an hour and a half away from me (in different directions). They are turning into meaningful connections which feed me in different ways but no one is demanding of all my time. There are plenty of phone calls and emails in between but it is working out to 2 or 3 dates per month (lasting from 24-48hrs). No one is demanding of all of my time and I have plenty of space. I get to have these connections with two very different people who bring unique experiences to me, and still have all the time and space I require for myself. This is what works for me right now. Also keeping in mind that my needs and desires may shift in time.

There have already been some bumps around other people’s insecurities that I have handled quite well, I think (after recovering from my initial surprise). I know I have grown and learned much in just a short period of time. I know also that more challenges will pop up and I will handle them as well, ever keeping an eye on the ratio of effort put out vs. benefits gained. Right now, I am pleased. And proud. And only occasionally worn out.

[Ms. Meander]

it is working out to 2 or 3 dates per month (lasting from 24-48hrs)

It may actually be looking more like 4 "dates" per month. I wonder if that is too much? I guess I'll find out.

One thing is for certain: I'm spending way more time on mani/pedi's :|

[DanzAmazon]

I know I've come into the middle of the convo, but I just had to say that I couldn't agree more. If I found all those attributes in one person, I certainly would consider monogamy, but I would also be quite suspicious of the "too good to be true". Thanks for sharing all.

If I found that all in one person I would commit to monogamy. Lucky you!

[QueenofSmirks]

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

One thing I've learned about poly relationships is that one person can't make the rules for the entire group unless everyone is TRULY and HONESTLY okay with that dynamic and the rules that are put in place. Once those rules stop being okay for anyone, they need to speak up immediately. In your case it sounds like the boyfriend made the rules, and you and the girlfriend were probably okay with that in the beginning because it was exciting and new and you were happy with what you were getting. But your decision to cross that boundary when he wasn't around indicates that you obviously weren't okay with that boundary.

To your other point, I'm aware of many relationships where "sex is fine as long as emotions don't develop." That's another boundary that doesn't work - people will or won't develop feelings, but that's up to each individual - it isn't up to someone else to dictate whether or not that happens. They can try, but nobody can truly control someone else's emotions.

[Ms. Meander]

(or maybe you saw it coming a mile away)

I've been talking about the fact that some challenges have been arising and I have been utilizing them as opportunities for growth. The truth is, the source all of the difficulties has been one lover in particular, and what they've really turned out to be are red flags. Ironically, she is the established, experienced polyamorist of the group. When we first starting seeing each other, I did not take her entirely seriously when she told me she was a jealous and possessive person (how could she be and successfully maintain multiple relationships?). I laughed and said, "well, being poly must give you a lot of opportunities to work on that". Turned out not to be amusing and now it is my fault for not listening. She also has a very structured and rigid approach to relationships. There are rules and you follow them. Any bad feelings that occur as a result don't matter or count as long as the rules were technically followed, and I saw this mostly in her relationship with her primary partner who was freaking out since before I entered the picture and really lost it once my lover started to display intense feelings for me. They were not ok, and it did not feel ethical for me to move full steam ahead into something that was already a wreck. And I felt tremendous compassion for the primary.

There were more issues as well, and perhaps I will come back to explore them because they are mostly the very issues that turned me off to poly in my youth. I don't think all is lost, but I think I chose the wrong person, who displayed many of the traits and isms of my former unhealthy choices. We have stopped seeing each other.

Meanwhile, I've been courted by another who, like me, was exploring relationship dynamics with intention and openness. I am certain she is the most remarkable person I have ever met - the moon and the stars live in her eyes and I have never felt so humbled and aflame to be seen and recognized by such beauty. We are ridiculously in love. Hearts and flowers, rainbows and unicorns, no holds barred. I kid you not. We are so absorbed in each other that there is no room or desire for any other lovers and we have agreed to be exclusive at least for the time being. And we are open to revisiting the possibility of nonmonogamy at some point down the line. But for now, we are content in each other's arms.

And just like that, this chapter of Ms. Meander's adventures in polyamory has come to a close.

I feel like I have learned much and I am blissfully happy. Please excuse me while I savor this delicious state. :) :bunchflowers:

[SleepyButch]

So here I am. I'm reluctant to write in here because I'm somewhat naive when it comes to the subject but I'm going to give it a go.

What's my story in all of this? That's a good question actually...I keep asking myself the same thing. I've always been open minded when it comes to people and their preferences. I've learned a lot along the way because of this, about myself and about others.

Like others have said, I've toyed with the idea of being poly for years, even went out with a poly woman once upon a time until her Butch told her she could not longer date me. She would not tell me why.

Which brings me to this new chapter in my life. I am currently dating/getting to know a femme who is poly. I went into this knowing that she was poly and that I would not ever be her primary relationship. She knows that I don't have any experience with this type of dynamic but that I am open to exploring this with her. I am not sure if this will ultimately be good for me or not but I won't know unless I try.

What I can say is that we really get along and I can also say that I have not felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. We communicate daily about the good and the things that I am unsure about, those things that are new to me.

I do have my concerns for myself in all of this with regards to finding a primary relationship. I have always been the what if kind of guy... what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.

I do know that while having this relationship with her is wonderful, it will not be enough for me.

This may be a question that can't be answered but regardless my question for all of you is how do you find that other person who is poly??

[nycfem]

At times in my life when I've been doin' the poly thang, I would go to local LGBT poly meet-ups. Now I don't know if they have those everywhere or if it's only those weird New Yawkers but it was a nice way to hang out with likeminded people with various connections, etc.

So here I am. I'm reluctant to write in here because I'm somewhat naive when it comes to the subject but I'm going to give it a go.

What's my story in all of this? That's a good question actually...I keep asking myself the same thing. I've always been open minded when it comes to people and their preferences. I've learned a lot along the way because of this, about myself and about others.

Like others have said, I've toyed with the idea of being poly for years, even went out with a poly woman once upon a time until her Butch told her she could not longer date me. She would not tell me why.

Which brings me to this new chapter in my life. I am currently dating/getting to know a femme who is poly. I went into this knowing that she was poly and that I would not ever be her primary relationship. She knows that I don't have any experience with this type of dynamic but that I am open to exploring this with her. I am not sure if this will ultimately be good for me or not but I won't know unless I try.

What I can say is that we really get along and I can also say that I have not felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. We communicate daily about the good and the things that I am unsure about, those things that are new to me.

I do have my concerns for myself in all of this with regards to finding a primary relationship. I have always been the what if kind of guy... what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.

I do know that while having this relationship with her is wonderful, it will not be enough for me.

This may be a question that can't be answered but regardless my question for all of you is how do you find that other person who is poly??

[Tommi]

So here I am. I'm reluctant to write in here because I'm somewhat naive when it comes to the subject but I'm going to give it a go.

What's my story in all of this? That's a good question actually...I keep asking myself the same thing. I've always been open minded when it comes to people and their preferences. I've learned a lot along the way because of this, about myself and about others.

Like others have said, I've toyed with the idea of being poly for years, even went out with a poly woman once upon a time until her Butch told her she could not longer date me. She would not tell me why.

Which brings me to this new chapter in my life. I am currently dating/getting to know a femme who is poly. I went into this knowing that she was poly and that I would not ever be her primary relationship. She knows that I don't have any experience with this type of dynamic but that I am open to exploring this with her. I am not sure if this will ultimately be good for me or not but I won't know unless I try.

What I can say is that we really get along and I can also say that I have not felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. We communicate daily about the good and the things that I am unsure about, those things that are new to me.

I do have my concerns for myself in all of this with regards to finding a primary relationship. I have always been the what if kind of guy... what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.

I do know that while having this relationship with her is wonderful, it will not be enough for me.

This may be a question that can't be answered but regardless my question for all of you is how do you find that other person who is poly??

Hi SleepyButch, hope you are sleeping well :)

Many times alternate life styles have their own language, definitions and boundaries within the "open" realm of variety being the spice of life.I love the Unique, mysterious, fluid dynamics of life, and those that can reach out and experience things that bring joy and happiness, even if for just a moment, a night and day, or more.

I pulled out the "what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.
and
how do you find that other person who is poly? " from your post.

Poly sometimes may be confused with multiples. I was wondering if your question is ~ will 2 poly femmes equal a more fulfilling relationship, when and if one of them is not present. Am I wingwalking, needing to hold onto one, while I have another for ~just in case?
Does your poly/femme "other/s" know about you, have they met you and have accepted you? Having your heart on your sleeve my result in a crinkled cuff. You said "give her up" , but, me thinks she has a primary, so you have no possession.

My comment for now, like nycfembbw mentioned, like anything new, searching the internet for what you are experiencing as far as acceptance, understanding, jealousy, insecurity, and the myriad of things under any "kinky" label can be heaven or hell...

And, as They say, it's only kinky the first time. Good Luck SleepyButch, jump in, the water's fine, as long as we can swim. :):hangloose:

[SleepyButch]

Hi SleepyButch, hope you are sleeping well :)



Poly sometimes may be confused with multiples. I was wondering if your question is ~ will 2 poly femmes will equal a more fulfilling relationship, when and if one of them is not present. ?
Does your poly/femme "other/s" know about you, have they met you and have accepted you? Having your heart on your sleeve my result in a crinkled cuff. You said "give her up" , but, me thinks she has a primary, so you have no possession.

My comment for now, like nycfembbw mentioned, like anything new, searching the internet for what you are experiencing as far as acceptance, understanding, jealousy, insecurity, and the myriad of things under any "kinky" label can be heaven or hell...

And, as They say, it's only kinky the first time. Good Luck SleepyButch, jump in, the water's fine, as long as we can swim. :):hangloose:

Thanks Tommi.

Her others know about me and are supportive of her seeing me.

When I say give her up, I mean in a sense of not seeing her anymore in exchange for dating someone who is monogamous. I do not own her nor will I ever try to own her. It's not that type of relationship.

As far as having two poly femmes equalling a more fulfilling relationship, I don't think that is the case. I would take them as being totally separate relationship. It's not that I want someone to spend time with while she is busy. That would not work for anyone involved. I am a loving, nurturing person by nature and have a lot of that to give and want to give it. I can share that with her but there are limitations/boundaries in that.

I'll have to think more on how to explain that before I write something that might be taken out of context. Like I said, this is all new to me.

[Sachita]

Thanks Tommi.

Her others know about me and are supportive of her seeing me.

When I say give her up, I mean in a sense of not seeing her anymore in exchange for dating someone who is monogamous. I do not own her nor will I ever try to own her. It's not that type of relationship.

As far as having two poly femmes equalling a more fulfilling relationship, I don't think that is the case. I would take them as being totally separate relationship. It's not that I want someone to spend time with while she is busy. That would not work for anyone involved. I am a loving, nurturing person by nature and have a lot of that to give and want to give it. I can share that with her but there are limitations/boundaries in that.

I'll have to think more on how to explain that before I write something that might be taken out of context. Like I said, this is all new to me.

I know what you're saying. It goes back and forth in my head and I have been in D/s poly relationships. Today I would consider it but the reality is that once I fall in love it most likely will be totally and completely. Poly would not be an option. But until that comes I can love people, share, have a great time and who knows it may go on forever, however something inside of me stirs and I know that I am yet to meet my one great love. I just feel it and I know when I do I won't see anything else.

Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

[girl_dee]

(or maybe you saw it coming a mile away)

I've been talking about the fact that some challenges have been arising and I have been utilizing them as opportunities for growth. The truth is, the source all of the difficulties has been one lover in particular, and what they've really turned out to be are red flags. Ironically, she is the established, experienced polyamorist of the group. When we first starting seeing each other, I did not take her entirely seriously when she told me she was a jealous and possessive person (how could she be and successfully maintain multiple relationships?). I laughed and said, "well, being poly must give you a lot of opportunities to work on that". Turned out not to be amusing and now it is my fault for not listening. She also has a very structured and rigid approach to relationships. There are rules and you follow them. Any bad feelings that occur as a result don't matter or count as long as the rules were technically followed, and I saw this mostly in her relationship with her primary partner who was freaking out since before I entered the picture and really lost it once my lover started to display intense feelings for me. They were not ok, and it did not feel ethical for me to move full steam ahead into something that was already a wreck. And I felt tremendous compassion for the primary.

There were more issues as well, and perhaps I will come back to explore them because they are mostly the very issues that turned me off to poly in my youth. I don't think all is lost, but I think I chose the wrong person, who displayed many of the traits and isms of my former unhealthy choices. We have stopped seeing each other.

Meanwhile, I've been courted by another who, like me, was exploring relationship dynamics with intention and openness. I am certain she is the most remarkable person I have ever met - the moon and the stars live in her eyes and I have never felt so humbled and aflame to be seen and recognized by such beauty. We are ridiculously in love. Hearts and flowers, rainbows and unicorns, no holds barred. I kid you not. We are so absorbed in each other that there is no room or desire for any other lovers and we have agreed to be exclusive at least for the time being. And we are open to revisiting the possibility of nonmonogamy at some point down the line. But for now, we are content in each other's arms.

And just like that, this chapter of Ms. Meander's adventures in polyamory has come to a close.

I feel like I have learned much and I am blissfully happy. Please excuse me while I savor this delicious state. :) :bunchflowers:


Congrats! Isn't bliss heavenly?!

[~baby~doll~]

So are there any others out there? What do you do to make it work? How do you address distance, if it's an issue?
Share stories of success and not so successfully poly relationships here.. and perhaps.. find others? :antler:

A response to the OP
I have been part of a poly family for years. Some of the partners have changed along the way but the core of two has always been. :P
We have found the best way to begin is with relationship, not just surface hellos and smiles of acquaintances, but real substance, depth and relational intimacy. It is important to be able to feel comfortable sharing. Our goal is to create a bonding spirit between women which is the foundation for trust and the next step sexual intimacy. Though the sexual is side is wondrous it is only a small part of what we are as family, sisters, friends and lovers. We like to feel unified, joined at the hip.
There have been times when we rushed the process over what seemed a sexual urgency and failed miserably ending the experience with hurt making us wonder if it is all worth it. In the end it has been more a positive experience in the intimate workings of relationship. It is the hive effect.
We have found there is nothing better than a family of women walking through life together. We are so close having one away is like missing something central to self. At present there are four of us. This seems a good number for household workability. We do believe the number could be a bit larger.
I find, for me it is the ultimate growing canvas. In knowing and loving these sisters I have grown by leaps. Hugs

[Sachita]

A response to the OP
I have been part of a poly family for years. Some of the partners have changed along the way but the core of two has always been. :P
We have found the best way to begin is with relationship, not just surface hellos and smiles of acquaintances, but real substance, depth and relational intimacy. It is important to be able to feel comfortable sharing. Our goal is to create a bonding spirit between women which is the foundation for trust and the next step sexual intimacy. Though the sexual is side is wondrous it is only a small part of what we are as family, sisters, friends and lovers. We like to feel unified, joined at the hip.
There have been times when we rushed the process over what seemed a sexual urgency and failed miserably ending the experience with hurt making us wonder if it is all worth it. In the end it has been more a positive experience in the intimate workings of relationship. It is the hive effect.
We have found there is nothing better than a family of women walking through life together. We are so close having one away is like missing something central to self. At present there are four of us. This seems a good number for household workability. We do believe the number could be a bit larger.
I find, for me it is the ultimate growing canvas. In knowing and loving these sisters I have grown by leaps. Hugs

I'm just curious about the core two. Are these the original partners who bring others in? I'm assuming you're part of the core two so is the other dominant? The others that come in... are they dominant or submissive or does it matter?

I'm curious because at one time I had 3 live-in slaves. People called us poly but I viewed it as me have a stable of slaves. I made the rules, I decided the overall dynamic of everything. They could not freely exchange sexually with each other. They were all property.

BDSM Poly is kind of complicated think.

[Loren_Q]

So are there any others out there? What do you do to make it work? How do you address distance, if it's an issue?

Share stories of success and not so successfuly poly relationships here.. and perhaps.. find others? :antler:

*Raises hand* Yup, I'm in that responsible non-monogamy category.

My primary partner and I started out with an open relationship, neither of us believing one person can (or should) completely fulfill the other.

FTR, we've been together over 25 years. The way we make it work is by communicating... a lot. By being honest about our desires, by deciding together what can be fulfilled outside and by respecting each others boundaries. We also have agreements we can both live with. Those agreements have changed over time, but then again, so have we.

There are things she wants that I'm piss-poor at, why shouldn't she get that fulfilled in a meaningful way instead of the grudgingly half-assed way I'd probably handle it. And vice-versa, I have needs/wants that she's not into.

I lean toward having an other-significant-other who fulfills a good portion (or all) of BDSM needs/desires; While that OSO relationship is based in BDSM (play and sex) it is romantic as well.

BTW, I use other-significant-other because I dislike the term 'secondary'.

There are also a few play partners in my life. They're friends first, with the occasional foray into SM. Almost all of my play partners have a primary relationship as well. These relationships work because we're friends and look out for one another.

To me successful means we're able to and want to be friends even if the romantic/sexual/etc. relationship has ended. That being said, I've been pretty lucky, there's only one where I'd rather not be friends with.

On the not so successful side, well, it's like any relationship, sometimes people grow apart, sometimes one person (or both) violates agreements, sometimes things just don't work out.

[~baby~doll~]

I'm just curious about the core two. Are these the original partners who bring others in? I'm assuming you're part of the core two so is the other dominant? The others that come in... are they dominant or submissive or does it matter?

I'm curious because at one time I had 3 live-in slaves. People called us poly but I viewed it as me have a stable of slaves. I made the rules, I decided the overall dynamic of everything. They could not freely exchange sexually with each other. They were all property.

BDSM Poly is kind of complicated think.
The core two have been Helen and I. We were part of a women's commune in the early 70's. Out of the six remaining from the commune three of us are now together. Bringing new people to interact with the family is done by both of us. We will meet women who show and interest in the lifestyle and first we do relationship building. If the interest grows and it feels like a fit Helen makes all those decisions. She will ask and we can begin dialoguing in that direction. There are times when she will just have me sit when she will make love with someone new. This is okay if it is what she wants.
Helen is a true Domme and I always bow to her sexual needs as she always fills mine. We have had a number of different partners added in over the years one couple was with us six years. Now there are four of us and in the lower flat we rent to another couple who are BDSM as well and the Domme is asking Helen question's about joining us. If Helen thinks it's good it will be done.

[MsBluem]

I've been very vocal about my poly status since 2011. My best friend and I dated exclusively for just short of a year and when we split, we still kept most of the aspects of our relationship, it just transitioned naturally into a partnership that was more open. Now he's starting to embrace seeing other people and credits me with a lot of his understanding. He's really the only man I could see myself dating.

[giggleluver]

Challenges seem to be of the nature in poly relationships...but I tend to meet challenges head on.and with a smile. I hope to eventually meet a couple or become part of a permanent triad...It's not just about the sex but about the family dynamic...I am only just now understanding this need. I have been in the poly life style in some way 6 years but keep hitting walls with people who are inexperienced in dealing with the issues that arise (immaturity) or find partners who pick mates who have jealousy issues, or just don't like sharing...I really hate getting attached and having my heart broken...twice

[D Phryxus]

I am still growing, developing, evolving when it comes how I practice poly. I see this as a good thing since stagnation only leads to toxicity...in my opinion.

I've been poly since I got married...well, I guess you could say I've always been poly but didn't actually attempt to have multiple relationships until I was married. My hubs has had multiple relationships off and on since he realized "Oh that's a girl and I like them." He used to be a whore and now he claims the title heteroflexible ethical slut and we're happy with his choice.

He encouraged me to try out poly when we married because he knew I was bi and knew I had never actually had any sort of intimate relationship with another woman.
Out first choice was bad...very bad. She was the first of many to inform me I was "sexually unattractive" after 3-6 months of a sexual relationship and follow it up with a request to only date my husband (to his credit, he told them no).

We decided to date separately for the most part now in order to avoid any attempt another woman might have in thinking they can play around with me in order to get to him.

Lately my challenges are in being open to trusting my own gut instincts, working out schedules, and dealing with the community at large.

This last part is mostly in not responding to all the irritating nonsense I hear or read. Today was a prime example: I have read from one person online that Poly people should not get married and those that are shouldn't really ever be trusted because they are committing adultery and breaking vows to forsake all others. -insert row of expletives here-
This was right after a discussion on a forum about Poly break ups and agreeing that telling me, after my long term girlfriend leaves, that I should be ok because I have another partner is like telling a parent who loses their child that they should be ok because they have others.

Anyways...that was a longer post than I meant to open with on here.

[Mel C.]

Nice post D Phryxus.

People seem to like dictating what is right/wrong for everyone else. I wasnt raised to be a homosexual...or butch...or kinky...or poly. Took a long time to realize I don't have to live by everyone else's rules. Sometimes I back step a little, but really, it isn't up to someone else to decide what Kind of relationships I have. Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

[D Phryxus]

Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

I think that is the major difficulty/goal/fun of poly is finding those people ^_^

[Mel C.]

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/

Thoughts?

[Mel C.]

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/

Thoughts?

Hmmmm...I thought the article had good information whether a person is monogamous or polyamorous. Learning to follow the rules (I prefer "guidelines") is not simple IMHO.

[feminality]

Hmmmm...I thought the article had good information whether a person is monogamous or polyamorous. Learning to follow the rules (I prefer "guidelines") is not simple IMHO.



The Information in the article was great ... I find though that many of the rules or "guidelines", if applied to everyday life makes for happier
interpersonal relationships all the way around . *S*

[Loren_Q]

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/

Thoughts?

I disliked the opening quote because, to me, it smacks of "poly is more evolved" and I think that sentiment is crap. I've seen very healthy monogamy and piss-poor poly. It's not the relationship style that's evolved, it's the people in the relationship. Okay, let me get off my soapbox now.

Like Mel, I think these 'rules' are good for any relationship or for a single person.

I think the idea of knowing what you want, what is realistic and the 'why' behind your 'what' is paramount in all relationships.




So overall I liked the article but not so much the opening quote.

[CherylNYC]

I disliked the opening quote because, to me, it smacks of "poly is more evolved" and I think that sentiment is crap. I've seen very healthy monogamy and piss-poor poly. It's not the relationship style that's evolved, it's the people in the relationship. Okay, let me get off my soapbox now.

Like Mel, I think these 'rules' are good for any relationship or for a single person.

I think the idea of knowing what you want, what is realistic and the 'why' behind your 'what' is paramount in all relationships.




So overall I liked the article but not so much the opening quote.

I think the point is less that poly relationships are more evolved than that the people involved in them MUST be significantly more evolved than the average presumptively monogamous couple in order to have a successful relationship(s). Like Loren I've seen very poor poly, indeed. The people involved might have been capable of reasonably successful monogamous relationships, but once the fault lines start multiplying in geometric proportions each time they add a new challenge, such as a new partner, their relationships become untenable.

[Mel C.]

I was recently asked to explain the difference between poly, an open relationship and "whoring" around (not my word). Although they are different in my mind, I had difficulty finding the right words to adequately explain my perspective. Poly means different things to different people but my interpretation is that it is when there is a non exclusive relationship in which one or both individuals have additional relationships (not necessarily sexual) intended to be long term. In contrast, an "open" relationship involves partners who are non monogamous but the additional participants don't necessarily involve a goal of long term relationships and are primarily sexual in nature. "Whoring" around implies to me that there is no relationship, just sex with anyone/everyone.

So...what are your thoughts?

[imperfect_cupcake]

There are a bajillion ways to be non-monogamous and poly.

I have been mostly non-monogamous. Which means I have a partner, but I am *emotionally* monogamous with them. I have casual sex with others. I have also had non-monogamous relationship where the other person has had long term casual sex partners (one of 20 years) but they had zero interest in having a romantic relationship with each other. They were friends with occasional benefits maybe once a month to 6 weeks.

I have had polyamorous relationships where my partner is still my emotional beloved. And other partners I have cared very much for, but not been in love with. I find it very difficult to be in love with more than one person at a time. I love them, just not *in* love with them. I have certain boundaries I keep in place with them in terms of ensuring my partner has felt safe and secure in their position (I don't have pic nics with them, that special item is saved for my primary and I don't call any of them Daddy. Just her). I did not expect they would last forever and thus I did not emotionally invest in them as much as I did my primary, whom I wanted to last a life time.

I'm a life time kinda gal. I try.

I've been in polyfidelity relationships and those I really enjoyed. two of them. All of us were sexual and romantically involved with each other and I rarely felt taxed like I do in other relationships. And I really liked the dynamic.

Multiprimaries where everyone has equal time and equal importance... not so much. I'm open to it, but I find it very hard to believe everyone will last (my own shit, me me me). If I can't see it lasting, I won't connect in that deeper way. I can't connect. It's just too hard for me.

I personally can’t see the equal time and energy thing happening with two butch doms who aren’t close friends with each other. All I see is a nightmare of being pulled into two (or more - augh!) directions of competing needs. Shudder.

One person, for me, will always wind up pulling out in front of the other in terms of importance unless I'm in a triangle relationship. I have very limited time and very limited energy and it's just how I work, emotionally. Same goes with friends - the friends who give me more time and energy, the more I will give back to them and with my very limited spare time due to school, if there is competing needs, I'm going to give them to the one I get the most support and care from and that I trust most.

Even in my house I like one cat more than the others. I love them all, but Spakle Pants is my devoted kitteh. She follows me around the house, adores me to smithereens. She gets to sleep on my bed, and because of fighting, which I don't allow on the bed, the others have to sleep in the baskets. One tends to sleep with my flat mate and the others claim the baskets or couches.

These are my flat mates cats by the way.

I play favourites. I love knowing lots of people but if I gave them all my equal attention, I'd weep. Doesn't happen. For me, it's kind of like ballroom dancing... if I practice with one partner more than the others, the skill levels I can reach are much higher as a team. doesnt mean I don't like dancing with others, my best dance partner will be the one I put the most effort, time, practice and energy into.

But that's how I work.

"whoring" around I call "casual dating". Or "free agent"
Sex to me does not mean auto-commitment. I can casually date, have sex with my dates, and not be committed to anyone. That really is how I see casual dating. I was in that head space for almost 3 years after my exwife took off. I wanted friendship and sex and hanging out but no "lets see if we can make this last." It's only been the last person I dated that I wanted to actually make a provisional "lets see what maybe happens, no promises" with. To me that dips a partial toe into a kind of loose form of possible and provisional lower-level quasi-commitment, but with both of us still able to date others. Unfortunately, she wasn't in same headspace. It happens.

Some people call it "free agent poly" but that's just west coast blah blah to me for casual dating and sex.

[Mel C.]

Thank you for your thorough response honeybarbara! I hope others chime in as well.

For me, if I don't know where I stand in a relationship, I can't be fully invested. I'm fine with casual sex, friends with benefits, dating, etcetera. As long as I am aware of the expectations, I can decide whether I am a willing participant. The fact that I don't currently have a primary relationship doesn't mean I am not poly, it just means no current relationship has gotten there (yet). Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean I am poly either, it just means I am not in a poly relationship at that time.

The person who got my train of thought moving suggested that if I wasn't having sex with someone, they were a "friend" and I disagreed. They also suggested that if I wasn't a "family" with those involved, it was an open relationship not poly. For me, relationships don't form spontaneously. It takes time to decide whether a connection is there and what that connection means. I believe you can have a romantic relationship without sex and that you can love more than one person (romantically) without being "in love" with them. I also believe you can have sex with someone who you aren't in love with (which I sometimes prefer). I don't think sexual practices determine whether or not you are poly.

For now, I think I will label myself "open poly whore" to cover all the bases.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Thank you for your thorough response honeybarbara! I hope others chime in as well.

For me, if I don't know where I stand in a relationship, I can't be fully invested. I'm fine with casual sex, friends with benefits, dating, etcetera. As long as I am aware of the expectations, I can decide whether I am a willing participant. The fact that I don't currently have a primary relationship doesn't mean I am not poly, it just means no current relationship has gotten there (yet).

Well, exactly. If you are poly, you don't stop being poly as your relationship-sexuality just because you are single-ish. Also some people don't want a primary. They just want meaningful friendships with sex and to be not "obligated" in a long term way to anyone. I understand that mindset when I'm not up for the responsibilities. I personally am that way until someone clicks that deep "I get you" response in me and suddenly I can "see" myself having a lifetime with them. Until that happens I don't really want to make any long term commitments. And I know if they leave, I'll be sad, but they don't add to my life in a massive impact kind of way. I value them, but just not as a romantic partner. I don't really want to invest in them in that way. I don't see it going anywhere. But I still enjoy them, today and for now.

Some people want that just as they function, end of. That's great. But I would be very wary of ever falling in love with someone who functioned like that. I wouldn't be able to. And I would never consider them for any kind of long term investment and therefore I wouldn't be able to conect deeply. I'd always have a particular emotional wall up between them, and my deepest places of care. And I wouldn't look after them if they were sick, nor would I read them to sleep when they had insomnia. I wouldn't grocery shop with them and I wouldn't talk to them more than twice a week... Blah blah. I'd keep the checks in place to ensure the relationship never advanced past a certain point, emotionally. I'd hang out with them like I do friends, but I wouldn't treat them like a long term love. After all, my loss wouldn't mean a whole lot. They don't wish to invest. I go by the adage of "never make someone a priority to whom you are an option"
I've made that mistake too many times.

When I fall for someone, it's quite hard. I'm a very devoted partner and I actually enjoy being one. To me, that requires big C commitments.



Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean I am poly either, it just means I am not in a poly relationship at that time.

Functionally monogamous. Sure.

I personally do no call myself poly or monogamous. I'm not sure I'm either. I was married monogamously and when I was then I was monogamous. But I think of it as kind of being pansexual in a different kind of way. I'm fine with monogamy .well. Ish. To be clear I'm *theoretically* fine with monog. It personally wouldn't bother me to only have sex with one person. I mean, I have been around a bajillion blocks and screwed through three continents, I know how fucking rare mind blowing great sex is with a good emotional connection AND friendship. But To be perfectly honest, I don't trust it. I know I can be monogamous without effort, but my relationships have never lasted longer than five years because the monogamous partners I have had, cheated on me and left me. So I have a hard time trusting that real monogamy actually happens. Every long term (5+ years) monogamous couple I know, personally and intimately, has had someone cheat (they dealt with it) and I've know it even when the person telling me " we've been monogamous for 12 years!" Er, maybe you have but I know your partner hasnt...

I know it's very possible, but I thing very long term actual monogamy is very rare. I don't fancy all my chips being bet on it. If I want a lifetime commitment, I am not going to require sexual fidelity be a sticking point. I'd rather have honesty. Am I going to have boundaries about it? Hells ya. And I know some poly people say "but how can you do that! how can you stop someone from falling in love with someone they are having sex with?"
Because I would prefer to pick someone who knows how to have casual sex and understands that certain things promote emotional intimacy, so you leave those things out and you don't purse sex with people you have massive crushes on, der. I don't get crushes, so it pretty easy for me. I get sweet on people, but never a full on crush. Crushes only develop with me with emotional intimacy. Never from the "at a distance" thing people do (and I just don't understand. Wtf kind of projections are you doing in you head??? You know it's a complete fantasy, right??) And I think that's the starting stages of falling in love anyway.

If you fall in love with people you have sex with because you can't seperate sex and love, then obviously non-monogamy isn't going to work for you. Only poly is. But for the love, don't assume that there aren't those of us that find it quite easy to have emotional boundaries and actually function well within them.

"But why would you want to? Love can't be restricted! It has to be free...."

Jesus fucking wept. Look. I don't know if you've ever expereinced a loss so big that it made you stop eating for 5 weeks, you lose your job cause you can't function in daily life and it takes you 3 years to recover from to actually feel centred enough to be able to connect properly with people again, but if you haven't then shut the hell up to me about what I should be doing with my emotions and how old are you anyway??? Do you have kids with someone? A morgage with someone? Just like true long term monogamy is very rare, poly where honest to fuck free-and-truly-equal in-love is equally rare.

I don't think either are the hoops that we have to be shooting for.

I know the ethical slut was written blah blah blah and more than two has come out but the authors of those books have had their lives fraught with relationship drama in ways that would fry my mind. That they are happy with it, hey, more power to them. I would go fucking insane with the kind of stuff I know has has gone on behind the words they sell books with. We are not ideals, we are human, fleshy and bloody. And the best thing to do in all cases is *know yourself* and no when to say NO to something you know is not going to work for you because it's too damn stressful for you emotionally. Don't be pushed into it because you think you have to because of lofty love ideals. know *functionally* what you can do and can't do. I don't do shit that triggers depression in me. I don't care how restrictive people thinks that makes me. It's basic self care, self respect and good boundaries.

I personally would never *ever* pick another partner my other partner didn't like. Why? Cause damn, I don't want that kind of drama in my life. Are you fucking kidding me? Way, WAY too much work, and emotional stress brings on depression for me, and I won't function. Why would I keep someone I'm not even bonded to yet when my partner, that I am bonded to, hates them?

But some people don't want rules or boundaries in their relationships. That kind of poly is called "relationship anarchy" and it's a political and romantic ideal about absolute independence. If that's your thing, then that's your thing. It's not mine and I won't be joining in. But it's another way to do poly.

The person who got my train of thought moving suggested that if I wasn't having sex with someone, they were a "friend" and I disagreed. They also suggested that if I wasn't a "family" with those involved, it was an open relationship not poly.

Bullocks. That is a form of poly. It's called poly-family and is a specifc *type* of poly. I tend to get flack from 21-35 year olds with poly families thinking they have invented the fucking wheel. Wtvr. It's amusing to hear them talk. They have no clue what my past it or my history is. Uh huh. Please. Do go on.


For me, relationships don't form spontaneously. It takes time to decide whether a connection is there and what that connection means. I believe you can have a romantic relationship without sex and that you can love more than one person (romantically) without being "in love" with them. I also believe you can have sex with someone who you aren't in love with (which I sometimes prefer). I don't think sexual practices determine whether or not you are poly.

For now, I think I will label myself "open poly whore" to cover all the bases.

Well, for me, I know fairly quickly of there is a certain heavier connection *possible* - that click I get when I'm understood without effort. When certain things are really similar between us. That can get ousted very quickly if I find their behaviour stresses me out - if they aren't dependable, they are mecurial, are moody, don't like lots of talking and connecting.

But if they are solid, honest, present, vulnerable, funny, dominant and dependable along with all of the wild sex and "hey! No way! Me too!" Stuff, and playful, like being kids together, chances are I'm going to very slowly fall in love with them.

But if they hey me too stuff, and That kid like quality between us isn't there, then I can care about them, very much, but I won't fall in love with them.

That there are oodles of kinds of non-monogamy and oodles of poly goes to show how differently people work. Everyone thinks the way they do things is the best (or they wouldn't do them!) but I feel absolutely free to roll my eyes at people telling me how to do my relationships according to how they do theirs and is the "real" form of ________.

[Mel C.]

Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean I am poly either, it just means I am not in a poly relationship at that time.

yep, that was supposed to be "being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean I am NOT poly." My bad.

[Apocalipstic]

I've not been on here for a while. Damnnn I miss you guys.

I've toyed with Polyamory since college (the first time. circa early 80's), and when I think back, the times I felt most relaxed and at ease (past new relationship bliss), is when I am not the main focus of anyone. Yes, I dig companionship and love and sex, but to have 100% of another person's expectations aimed at me...is not something I deal with well.

One of my favorite relationships was with a married woman. Her husband dropped her off Friday evenings at 6pm and picked her back up Saturday evening or early Sunday morning. Brilliant!

I have been in triads before too. It takes so much stress off me to have other people to share relationship burden with. I love the family approach for that reason.

It's not even that I long to have sex with several people, though I am not opposed; it's more that it wigs me out to the object of total attention.

Great thread, I am glad its revived!

[Mel C.]

I saw this (http://www.salon.com/2014/09/15/when_your_boyfriend_loses_his_lover/) article in my FB feed....thoughts???

[SirenManda]

I saw this (http://www.salon.com/2014/09/15/when_your_boyfriend_loses_his_lover/) article in my FB feed....thoughts???


I honestly felt bad for him. We don't often think about the hard impact when you get used to someone being around, then the break happens and you still feel the need to communicate because they played a certain role in your life. I have experienced what happens when it doesn't work out, and someone choses to walk. It's hard, and it also makes you think about how your partner feels about it. The last time I ended things with a connection I had, my husband felt sorry for me. I cried, because the person I missed had filled a different role than just someone I sexually wanted. What hurts one of us, hurts all of us involved.

[QueenofSmirks]

My first poly relationship, although I didn't think of it in those terms at the time, was when I was married in my early 20's. I was also seeing a married woman, both of our husbands were aware. When I broke it off with her, her husband called to ask me to reconsider, telling me how distraught she was, etc. etc. My own husband felt sorry for her and said as much. It was interesting for sure, and I remember being surprised that they would both rally for us to stay together.

[giggleluver]

just saying hello, it's been a while since I've been here. :glasses:

[uniquetobeme]

I am a member of a LGBT group on FB and someone posted a tread asking people to post how they identify and if they were single or taken. I am feeling a bit irritated and invisible that poly is rarely an option, so I asked, 'what about the polyamorous folks' and someone replied that is was "Not normal' and some other stuff, maybe I asked for it by putting it out there, but it kinda hurt my feelings. The group admins addressed it, but I still feel kinda blah about it so I'm venting here. I usually just let stuff I see on FB go, unless I have PMS, so I must have PMS, which greatly lowers my tolerance for ignorance and meanness. :(

[kittygrrl]

I am a member of a LGBT group on FB and someone posted a tread asking people to post how they identify and if they were single or taken. I am feeling a bit irritated and invisible that poly is rarely an option, so I asked, 'what about the polyamorous folks' and someone replied that is was "Not normal' and some other stuff, maybe I asked for it by putting it out there, but it kinda hurt my feelings. The group admins addressed it, but I still feel kinda blah about it so I'm venting here. I usually just let stuff I see on FB go, unless I have PMS, so I must have PMS, which greatly lowers my tolerance for ignorance and meanness. :(

you are normal..don't be hurt..if some don't feel it normal..inform, include, be nice, be your authentic self :)

[Mel C.]

I am a member of a LGBT group on FB and someone posted a tread asking people to post how they identify and if they were single or taken. I am feeling a bit irritated and invisible that poly is rarely an option, so I asked, 'what about the polyamorous folks' and someone replied that is was "Not normal' and some other stuff, maybe I asked for it by putting it out there, but it kinda hurt my feelings. The group admins addressed it, but I still feel kinda blah about it so I'm venting here. I usually just let stuff I see on FB go, unless I have PMS, so I must have PMS, which greatly lowers my tolerance for ignorance and meanness. :(

I'm thinking the difference between "not normal" and "not the norm" was lost on the person who replied. Then again, "the norm" has different definitions depending on which dictionary you use. Regardless, poly is in the minority and some people have no tolerance for anything with which they aren't familiar. I'm glad the admins addressed it. Maybe you can feel a little better being "normal" in this thread. Who wants to be normal anyway. I want to be spectacular!

[CherylNYC]

I am a member of a LGBT group on FB and someone posted a tread asking people to post how they identify and if they were single or taken. I am feeling a bit irritated and invisible that poly is rarely an option, so I asked, 'what about the polyamorous folks' and someone replied that is was "Not normal' and some other stuff, maybe I asked for it by putting it out there, but it kinda hurt my feelings. The group admins addressed it, but I still feel kinda blah about it so I'm venting here. I usually just let stuff I see on FB go, unless I have PMS, so I must have PMS, which greatly lowers my tolerance for ignorance and meanness. :(

Let me get this, err, straight. Someone in an LGBT group tried to tell you that your ID wasn't NORMAL?! When the eff did an LGBT group become NORMAL? The point of being in an LGBT group is that we are decidedly not normal, and therefore require a group of likeminded people with which we can bond.

Sheesh!

[uniquetobeme]

I really wanted a sister bond, but it ended up feeling like I had to compete, and I didn't like it at all! My wife and I rarely argue, are kind and loving toward one another and I've worked hard to get through previous baggage and be able to be a partner in a healthy relationship. There was yelling, tension, manipulation and I didn't feel comfortable or safe in that situation. It is nice to see that other people have those bonds. I wanted a loving sister bond, not sibling rivalry!

[girl_dee]

I saw this (http://www.salon.com/2014/09/15/when_your_boyfriend_loses_his_lover/) article in my FB feed....thoughts???

i was glad to see the article was still there. i loved this.

i would cry for him too. Thats what poly is to me (to ME) ... a love so special that you when your partner loses a lover and is sad, you are sad for them. i was in a poly household and i loved it, but it has to be with others who have the same beliefs. There has to be transparency on what your particular ground rules are.

its heavy and deep, and SO rewarding.

i would love to talk about this subject more.

[girl_dee]

I really wanted a sister bond, but it ended up feeling like I had to compete, and I didn't like it at all! My wife and I rarely argue, are kind and loving toward one another and I've worked hard to get through previous baggage and be able to be a partner in a healthy relationship. There was yelling, tension, manipulation and I didn't feel comfortable or safe in that situation. It is nice to see that other people have those bonds. I wanted a loving sister bond, not sibling rivalry!

i have learned through experience, the hard way, that the sister (or sister- brother which was REALLY tough) bond is even more challenging to maintain the the D/s. i now have boundaries and limits on what i will discuss and answer to, and i am learning to enforce the boundaries. My sister would need to do the same. Sharing too much info can be disastrous.

The other is the sisters have to be honest about their feelings. Trying to hide them, for any reason can bring on festering and then explosions.

Also, i feel it is the responsibility of the sisters to do the best they can to keep the drama away, and handle themselves accordingly. In other words i don't want my Dom having to referee sibling spats that could be avoided.

it is also a very beautiful connection.