Poly Relationships

[Linus]

So are there any others out there? What do you do to make it work? How do you address distance, if it's an issue?

Share stories of success and not so successfuly poly relationships here.. and perhaps.. find others? :antler:

[violaine]

hi linus. :bringcoffee:

i found a pretty good article-

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

"... It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their world view," says Allena Gabosch, the director of the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture. But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings—in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace—are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious—and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love. "The people I feel sorry for are the ones who don't ever realize they have any other choices beyond the traditional options society presents," says Scott. "To look at an option like polyamory and say 'That's not for me' is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad..."

i have looked at polyamory several times over the years, and wondered if the model could ever work for me. a few of the relationships i've seen and people in them, have successfully worked out [because they all do the work]. certainly, a level of honesty/respect for other partners would make this kind of [or any!] relationship healthier.

look forward to reading on-

best,
belle

[MrSunshine]

This has always been an interesting concept to me. I myself have reached a point in my life, maybe age, that this would work for me if the right mix came up. It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?
Look forward to hearing any stories.

[Linus]

hi linus. :bringcoffee:

i found a pretty good article-

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

"... It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their world view," says Allena Gabosch, the director of the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture. But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings—in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace—are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious—and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love. "The people I feel sorry for are the ones who don't ever realize they have any other choices beyond the traditional options society presents," says Scott. "To look at an option like polyamory and say 'That's not for me' is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad..."

i have looked at polyamory several times over the years, and wondered if the model could ever work for me. a few of the relationships i've seen and people in them, have successfully worked out [because they all do the work]. certainly, a level of honesty/respect for other partners would make this kind of [or any!] relationship healthier.

look forward to reading on-

best,
belle



Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

I had actually been first introduced to this by K and as I investigated it more, I realized that there were a lot of things about this that made sense. When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc). We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc. So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

Ultimately, I can say that the choice to be involved in a poly relationship or not is up to the person. I won't say that it's for everyone. It's not. But it can be great for many and allows a primary or a group relationship to grow well, strong and provide an avenue for support for all (something that can be challenge in a mono relationship where the partners rely on each for all support).

There are some biggies that should be parament in any relationship and it's heightened, IMO, in a poly relationship:

1. Communication.
2. Trust
3. Unconditional love
4. Honesty (both the stuff that is nice and stuff that is harsh)
5. Openness

This has always been an interesting concept to me. I myself have reached a point in my life, maybe age, that this would work for me if the right mix came up. It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?
Look forward to hearing any stories.

I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

I do believe it is about the right mix. For me, I'd love to find a B-F couple that would work with K and me (ideally loves furrkids and kidlets -- bigger the family, the better.). To me, I think it'd be the best option. For both of us, it would ideally address the desire/need for close friend for support (other than lover) as well as another to play with.

Would it be easier? I don't know. Depends on how the relationship goes and how well the five points above are met (they are needed in all relationships but definitely come out more in poly relationships). I had thought about trying to do a LD with a femme but... it didn't quite seem to work (although that might be more due to my schedule being wacky at times). K and I have discussed it and we have figured that it'd be best if it wasn't LD and if it was a couple.

Anyways.. hopefully others will post. I know of one transguy who has two wives and is very happy with that (although life has thrown a huge loop for him thanks to the economy but that's a separate issue).

Oh.. before I forget, The Ethical Slut is a great good and pretty much the poly "Bible". It's a great reference about relationships, even if you don't feel that poly is for you. I'd highly recommend it.

[MrSunshine]

I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?


You must have misread that Linus. I said "I wonder if it would make life/relationships more enjoyable"? I'm just a curious kinda guy:)

[Linus]

You must have misread that Linus. I said "I wonder if it would make life/relationships more enjoyable"? I'm just a curious kinda guy:)

Ok. Now I'm really confused. The quote I referred from you have above has:


It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?

Either way... it can but it can also make things more difficult. If the expectation that this will solve everything... eh. I dunno. Can it make things easier? In some ways, I think it can (there is a support system around for everyone -- kinda like the concept of a commune in the past). It should result in greater communication and more openness on relationships. A lot of it will depend on how the relationship dynamic is configured.

I do think that it can open up more love opportunities because you can keep your primary relationship while having others that meet the needs that your primary (if you a primary/secondary kind of setup) is unable to or won't meet. It doesn't mean that you love them less but rather that you love them as they are and still have those other needs (whatever they may be) met.

Hopefully that makes sense.

[MrSunshine]

I can see where that might seem vague. I guess I expect you to read my mind Linus. I was really just being curious out loud I suppose.
I don't see it as solving everything per se but I think if, like I said before about the right mix, was there it could be an outstanding situation.
One thing for sure is I can't do chaos. If I can't live in harmony with someone/s I would rather be alone.

[Linus]

I can see where that might seem vague. I guess I expect you to read my mind Linus. I was really just being curious out loud I suppose.
I don't see it as solving everything per se but I think if, like I said before about the right mix, was there it could be an outstanding situation.
One thing for sure is I can't do chaos. If I can't live in harmony with someone/s I would rather be alone.
Oh sure. I know quite a few great poly families where this works great. :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

I know a few poly families where it has worked for them. But the main thing is to talk about it. Communication is key.

[Linus]

I know a few poly families where it has worked for them. But the main thing is to talk about it. Communication is key.

That's a paramount in any relationship (e.g. Friendship, family, etc.) but is highlighted in a poly one, for sure.

[cara]

poly is not for everyone and anyone who thinks it may make your life easier/less complicated is looking through rose-colored glasses. my experiences with poly have been mixed. at this point, i would say its not for me. however, who is to say what the future may hold? trying to keep this message short and to the point since i am posting from my phone. hugs! ~cara

[Linus]

poly is not for everyone and anyone who thinks it may make your life easier/less complicated is looking through rose-colored glasses. my experiences with poly have been mixed. at this point, i would say its not for me. however, who is to say what the future may hold? trying to keep this message short and to the point since i am posting from my phone. hugs! ~cara


I will agree with that although it applies to any relationship. Some times they work, sometimes.. not so much. Knowing whether it's for you or not is a good thing and an important understanding.

[sharkchomp]

I think one of the biggest challenges with poly relationships is being intimate with someone but not being jealous or possessive (for me). I'm sure there are other issues for people but for myself this is the biggest issue. When I am in a poly relationship I tend to keep someone at a distance to avoid my own personal hang ups (being possessive and jealous).

~~~shark~~~~~~~~

[Bootboi]

I once fancied myself as being able to maintain a status of poly. I quickly learned that it was more than enough emotional work to maintain a relationship with one person. I could never see myslf as poly. I'm also selfish and I dont share well with others. ;)

[hippieflowergirl]

Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

i think it's our north american eurocentrism that makes us believe poly relationships are "new". the majority do tend to think they've invented everything afterall. (unless they despise it of course)

[Write14u]

This is something I've been exploring/reading about for the past year or so. I'll tell you one thing, though. Mention it to some people and they just think you're effing nuts.
In the past year, I've learned that yep, you can deeply love more than one person at the same time, and oh yeah, if both those people want monogamy, you're, umm, just screwed.

I'm looking forward to reading more because I simply just haven't had that much exposure to people who actually are living life poly.

[violaine]

hi linus :)

i am going to respond to the sentences below in separate lines, please.


When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc).

yes, i do believe that for people with siblings/parents/friends- a variety of love can exist.



We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc.

again, yes- but the type of relationship i would know with a parent/sibling may differ quite a lot dynamics-wise from how i relate to friends, or a person with whom i want to be close to sexually even more so than family or friendships. friendships may turn into relationships or just remain on a platonic level.


So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

i can only write that i would not consciously set out to place how much love exists for my relationships family/friends/partner. however, i do have a comment about "unconditional love" - in general, and as i read and relate them to your "5" below.

i have set boundaries in my relationships- family/friends/partner. not exactly unconditonal if there are lines drawn.

thinking about a poly relationship involving clear-cut conversations [defined]and mutual decision-making, et c. how do these go hand in hand with a limitless love [involving more than two people at a time] ?

i understand respect, fairness, communication- listening/talking, honesty, and so on. the term "unconditonal love" throws me because it seems [to me] there's an implication of purity/without limits/perfection/unquestionable- love.


best,
belle


There are some biggies that should be parament in any relationship and it's heightened, IMO, in a poly relationship:

1. Communication.
2. Trust
3. Unconditional love
4. Honesty (both the stuff that is nice and stuff that is harsh)
5. Openness



I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

I do believe it is about the right mix. For me, I'd love to find a B-F couple that would work with K and me (ideally loves furrkids and kidlets -- bigger the family, the better.). To me, I think it'd be the best option. For both of us, it would ideally address the desire/need for close friend for support (other than lover) as well as another to play with.

Would it be easier? I don't know. Depends on how the relationship goes and how well the five points above are met (they are needed in all relationships but definitely come out more in poly relationships). I had thought about trying to do a LD with a femme but... it didn't quite seem to work (although that might be more due to my schedule being wacky at times). K and I have discussed it and we have figured that it'd be best if it wasn't LD and if it was a couple.

Anyways.. hopefully others will post. I know of one transguy who has two wives and is very happy with that (although life has thrown a huge loop for him thanks to the economy but that's a separate issue).

Oh.. before I forget, The Ethical Slut is a great good and pretty much the poly "Bible". It's a great reference about relationships, even if you don't feel that poly is for you. I'd highly recommend it.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hi Linus,

I think most people are capable to love many people, if they allow themself. It is a matter of being open, free from what society norms are, and enjoying yourself with many. For some, the concept is do-able. However, in reality they can't for whatever reason (boundaries of safety, religious beliefs, kids, and so on). Sometimes one partner can handle it, and then when the reality comes into play, they decide that it is something that they cannot support or participate in. No matter how much talking is done, good and bad, it still kills it. :deadhorse:

I agree, if you mention this to most people, you get looked at like you have 3 heads. Oy.

Have you watched the series "Big Love"? Good show.

[Locutus]

I can totally relate. I've attempted it once or twice but have faced up to the fact that it simply doesn't work for me because I am possessive and don't share well.



I once fancied myself as being able to maintain a status of poly. I quickly learned that it was more than enough emotional work to maintain a relationship with one person. I could never see myslf as poly. I'm also selfish and I dont share well with others. ;)

[IrishGrrl]

I've always wondered if being poly would be for me. I've done it, so I dont know for sure. For me, I think yes, initially I would be jealous of the other person recieving attention from my lover/partner. I think that as long as I recieved enough indivdual attention, I would get over that pretty easily. I know I wouldnt have an issue with my partner/lover having sex with someone else. I dont not equate sex with love, so once I got over the initial start of having this happen, since it's so new and different for me personally, I'd be ok. The tricky thing about poly for me..and I think if you ask the general population..alot would agree..that it's not just the act of your lover having sex with someone else..it's the idea that they may leave YOU for THEM eventually. That other person in your mind may be recieving special attention you are not. For me, that's where I get stuck..but my rational mind tells me, that you run that risk in ANY relationship..perhaps more in a monogomous one no? I dont believe humans are made to be monogomous creatures..we just arent ..it's not natural.I believe we CAN..and DO out of choice..or preference, but biologically, I think we are not meant to.

Just my personal thoughts.

edited to add..
My love is VERY conditional. You treat me like shit..or my children like shit..you're gone. Love be damned.

[sharkchomp]

People are complex plain and simple. Having one relationship is complicated, even removing the endorphins, it takes work, honest communication, etc. Hell, friendships take work too! When you're trying to have two relationships the complexities are doubled. The sorrows can be doubled - but also the joy can be doubled too.

I'm not saying poly relationships are bad but it takes alot of work to balance yourself within the relationships. It's not always easy or fun. I think it takes a clear minded, open, honest person to do it. And selfishness has no place in poly.

~~~shark~~~~~~~

[Linus]

hi linus :)

i am going to respond to the sentences below in separate lines, please.


When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc).

yes, i do believe that for people with siblings/parents/friends- a variety of love can exist.



We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc.

again, yes- but the type of relationship i would know with a parent/sibling may differ quite a lot dynamics-wise from how i relate to friends, or a person with whom i want to be close to sexually even more so than family or friendships. friendships may turn into relationships or just remain on a platonic level.



True but you do not love one sibling only and not the other, do you? It is a different love than what you have for friends, lovers etc. But it is still love, no?

So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

i can only write that i would not consciously set out to place how much love exists for my relationships family/friends/partner. however, i do have a comment about "unconditional love" - in general, and as i read and relate them to your "5" below.

i have set boundaries in my relationships- family/friends/partner. not exactly unconditonal if there are lines drawn.

thinking about a poly relationship involving clear-cut conversations [defined]and mutual decision-making, et c. how do these go hand in hand with a limitless love [involving more than two people at a time] ?

i understand respect, fairness, communication- listening/talking, honesty, and so on. the term "unconditonal love" throws me because it seems [to me] there's an implication of purity/without limits/perfection/unquestionable- love.


best,
belle

My apologies. Unconditional love wasn't the right term I was thinking of. Unlimited love, perhaps? The idea that love isn't kept to one person is what I was poorly attempting to get at. Boundaries certainly are needed (e.g., will not accept abuse). But limiting ourselves to just one person to get more than platonic love can be limiting.

Does this mean everyone should do it? No. I don't believe we're all hardwired for this nor do we all experience the same history to be able to do this. But it is there for those who do feel it can be part of their lives.

[Linus]

Hi Linus,

I think most people are capable to love many people, if they allow themself. It is a matter of being open, free from what society norms are, and enjoying yourself with many. For some, the concept is do-able. However, in reality they can't for whatever reason (boundaries of safety, religious beliefs, kids, and so on). Sometimes one partner can handle it, and then when the reality comes into play, they decide that it is something that they cannot support or participate in. No matter how much talking is done, good and bad, it still kills it. :deadhorse:

I agree, if you mention this to most people, you get looked at like you have 3 heads. Oy.

Have you watched the series "Big Love"? Good show.

Haven't seen the show yet but have heard of it.

And yes, some people are capable if they allow themselves. One of the biggest things that has to happen first, IMO, is a love of self before loving others.

I've always wondered if being poly would be for me. I've done it, so I dont know for sure. For me, I think yes, initially I would be jealous of the other person recieving attention from my lover/partner. I think that as long as I recieved enough indivdual attention, I would get over that pretty easily. I know I wouldnt have an issue with my partner/lover having sex with someone else. I dont not equate sex with love, so once I got over the initial start of having this happen, since it's so new and different for me personally, I'd be ok. The tricky thing about poly for me..and I think if you ask the general population..alot would agree..that it's not just the act of your lover having sex with someone else..it's the idea that they may leave YOU for THEM eventually. That other person in your mind may be recieving special attention you are not. For me, that's where I get stuck..but my rational mind tells me, that you run that risk in ANY relationship..perhaps more in a monogomous one no? I dont believe humans are made to be monogomous creatures..we just arent ..it's not natural.I believe we CAN..and DO out of choice..or preference, but biologically, I think we are not meant to.

Just my personal thoughts.

edited to add..
My love is VERY conditional. You treat me like shit..or my children like shit..you're gone. Love be damned.


Very true that there could open up the possibility of one leaving the other for their 2nd partner but I've actually heard something else happens. The relationship with the original partner strengths because of trust, a newness of life, etc.

People are complex plain and simple. Having one relationship is complicated, even removing the endorphins, it takes work, honest communication, etc. Hell, friendships take work too! When you're trying to have two relationships the complexities are doubled. The sorrows can be doubled - but also the joy can be doubled too.

I'm not saying poly relationships are bad but it takes alot of work to balance yourself within the relationships. It's not always easy or fun. I think it takes a clear minded, open, honest person to do it. And selfishness has no place in poly.

~~~shark~~~~~~~

Very much true. But we manage with many friends in lives, why not loves?


Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm hoping that more poly-interested people do join this conversation as well.

[casey35]

I have to admit i have flirted with poly and it seems to work well for those who can share. As I get older I want to find an equal balance and if that can happen with more then one that be nice and if not so be it.

[WickedFemme]

subscribing

[Dragonfly]

I was out (partially since I was not out to all my family) since I was 17, Id'ing as a bisexual while I was figuring it all out. I was in committed and open relationships from high school until 2006. thats 20 years or so. I would not have a secondary relationship with someone if my primary partner was not ok with it, but my two husbands were both supportive of my exploring my feelings for women. It began as a third party joining in, But from age 19 on, I did not have sexual intimacy with both of my partners at the same time. I was developing emotional ties that were new and I was leaning towards my female relationships. The relationships I developed with my girlfriends were completely separate from my marriage.

I didn't always have the type of partner to have full trust and honesty. My first husband was a nightmare long story. I would not consider a poly relationship with just anyone. I would be more selective and careful before becoming involved in one again because of knowing the reality of both sides. I have had monogamy that was completely fulfilling but I am not opposed or closed to the option of a poly relationship because of that. And vice versa.

My last relationship was off and on, but when 'on' we were monogamous as she claimed was her preference... turned out she would see other people secretly while she would have me committed to only her. I can say having that total trust and open honesty bond from my last poly relationship sounded durn good about the time I learned that lesson.... so put more simply, I gage that choice, poly or monogamy based SOLEY on the individual/s I am involved with.... and it is a process of developing that trust, I dont just jump right in from day one with that decision.

[femmebaker]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

[Linus]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

[femmebaker]

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices? :sunglass:

[LieslKate]

"Big Love" is related to poly relationships inasmuch as "The L Word" was to real life for Lesbians... a Hollywood farce.

I would be interested to know a couple of things from anyone currently or previously involved in a poly relationship:

1. the duration of the relationship in years

2. the makeup of the relationship ie: Butch/Trans to Femme or Boi ratio

3. What lead to the demise of the relationship (if it has ended)

4. Was it a real time/life either living together communally or separate or an online relationship.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.

Thanks...

[Linus]

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices? :sunglass:

Hrm.. I wouldn't say that I'm entirely naive but neither am I experienced a few times around the block. I think right now opportunity hasn't fully presented itself and exhaustion from work has taken priority of late. That said, my ideal as it were -- if I was secondary (and I do agree in that I dislike that term) -- would be to be possible buddies with the husband/other partner. Although I admit that K and I would prefer to find a couple that we could be attached to.

There isn't -- in my book -- a best practise or theory, other than it's similar to other relationships. What works for you and yours may not work for me and mine. I've tried detached before and it worked ok but if I could be buddies then there could be an opportunity to him/hy/her and myself to hang out and do things (I need that occassional cigar buddy or sports buddy).

I suppose a lot of this is because I want to ensure open communication by all parties and don't want anyone to be without love, whether from me or others in the partnership.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.


Interesting. My experience has been different. I've seen long relationships with vanilla people (A hetero friend of mine has been going on for over 10 years now and an FTM buddy of mine has had one for well over 6 years) as much as others (leather/BDSM/<insert other sexual choice>). Poly, to me, isn't about the sex but rather about the intimate bonding with others (they may or may not tickle my sexual "pickle").

[femmebaker]

Linus,

Thank you for your thoughts. I, too, am attached to the idea of everyone getting along as friends at the very least. The notion of two couples coming together for friendship, affection, love, sex in a variety of combination is hugely appealing. It seems incredibly unlikely most of the time, but appealing all the same. It also would seem that if everyone know and likes one another (if not "loves"), there would be less potential for undermining and jealousy issues to surface. It's nice to dream...

[Lady_Wu]

I am in a polyandrous (two masculine people) marriage. This took us a long time to work out. Both "men" -one a FtM, the other a Karma male, hard to explain but not male in body-are intensely possessive. We were involved in a long term relationship for 4 years. Then X disappeared, leaving J and me bewildered and grieving. When he reappeared, we talked about what we wanted in life. They decided together that what each wanted was MY happiness. Since I loved and had loved both of them for a long time, they got together, drew up a Taoist/Confucian marriage contract and presented it to me. When I read it, I was thrilled. It was what I had wanted for all of my life. I in essence belong to each of them. The only thing I can do the would invalidate the marriage (witnessed and contracted by a Zen Priest) will be to go outside the marriage to another person. I am extremely happy. I am Empress of the household. They are supportive of each other and good friends. We live together in a small house. I would say that communication, respect for each other, clear boundaries, kindness, and love (in this case love for me) are paramount in keeping this marriage working. We are all happy with our decision and expect to be together for the rest of our lives. X is the eldest of us but in the best health; J is in his mid-fifties, and I am in my late 40s. They are the reason I remain in WV. I love both so dearly that I think that I would, and almost have, grieve to death without each of them. We have been together for almost 6 years now. This is rather unusual in that it is a polyandrous (2"men") rather than a polygamous (2 or more women) marriage. I feel extremely lucky in having the love of two such extraordinary "men". I am loved, cherished, and protected. Each would gladly die for me, and I for them. This is our life.
Lady_Wu, Kikkion to the Yellow Emperor and to the Lin.

[JustAGirl]

Wow, LadyWu! As a lover of man in general, my first though in mind (as I ingest and contemplate this thread) is how "the norm" view poly relationships i.e. it's almost every man's dream to have 2 girls sexually accessible...

I just wonder (if in poly relationships) if things turn territorial in other poly relationships. For instance, I can't sleep/fuck there if I know my lover has been in the bed with another. :/ Too close to "home" baby.

The older I get the more I can separate love and sex...

[casey35]

In 6 days i will be welcoming my new lover in to our house( my partner and I). This will be a totally new experience for us, figuring out the boundries of each and making sure no feelings are hurt. I have talk to several people on this situation and how they dealt with things . So hoping with all my heart we have a very loving home.

[PearlsNLace]

Paphigleo and I went into our relationship together knowing it will not allways be a monogomous one. We both are hoping to find a butch who is into both butches and femmes, well, who would be into both of US, at some point. But maybe it wont work that way, in a neat little triad. Perhaps there will come a time where Paphigleo will have a boi, and that individual will NOT be "into" me, or I them. I think what we are creating now, together, is solid. And it needs to be. For that kind of open honesty takes some serious work internally. It takes trust in ourselves as well as each other. I love what we have now, I think it is what makes us strong enough to add all that comes with having another intimate person in our lives.

[lipstixgal]

I don't see myself in a poly relationship its harder enough to be in one relationship alone,, let alone another person in the mix!!

[Linus]

I am in a polyandrous (two masculine people) marriage. This took us a long time to work out. Both "men" -one a FtM, the other a Karma male, hard to explain but not male in body-are intensely possessive. We were involved in a long term relationship for 4 years. Then X disappeared, leaving J and me bewildered and grieving. When he reappeared, we talked about what we wanted in life. They decided together that what each wanted was MY happiness. Since I loved and had loved both of them for a long time, they got together, drew up a Taoist/Confucian marriage contract and presented it to me. When I read it, I was thrilled. It was what I had wanted for all of my life. I in essence belong to each of them. The only thing I can do the would invalidate the marriage (witnessed and contracted by a Zen Priest) will be to go outside the marriage to another person. I am extremely happy. I am Empress of the household. They are supportive of each other and good friends. We live together in a small house. I would say that communication, respect for each other, clear boundaries, kindness, and love (in this case love for me) are paramount in keeping this marriage working. We are all happy with our decision and expect to be together for the rest of our lives. X is the eldest of us but in the best health; J is in his mid-fifties, and I am in my late 40s. They are the reason I remain in WV. I love both so dearly that I think that I would, and almost have, grieve to death without each of them. We have been together for almost 6 years now. This is rather unusual in that it is a polyandrous (2"men") rather than a polygamous (2 or more women) marriage. I feel extremely lucky in having the love of two such extraordinary "men". I am loved, cherished, and protected. Each would gladly die for me, and I for them. This is our life.
Lady_Wu, Kikkion to the Yellow Emperor and to the Lin.

Lady Wu, I do apologize for not seeing this earlier.

Sounds absolutely wonderful. Congratulations on all that hard work. It sounds like it is paying off.

In 6 days i will be welcoming my new lover in to our house( my partner and I). This will be a totally new experience for us, figuring out the boundries of each and making sure no feelings are hurt. I have talk to several people on this situation and how they dealt with things . So hoping with all my heart we have a very loving home.

You must be very excited about this whole process.

Paphigleo and I went into our relationship together knowing it will not allways be a monogomous one. We both are hoping to find a butch who is into both butches and femmes, well, who would be into both of US, at some point. But maybe it wont work that way, in a neat little triad. Perhaps there will come a time where Paphigleo will have a boi, and that individual will NOT be "into" me, or I them. I think what we are creating now, together, is solid. And it needs to be. For that kind of open honesty takes some serious work internally. It takes trust in ourselves as well as each other. I love what we have now, I think it is what makes us strong enough to add all that comes with having another intimate person in our lives.

And that is one of the important things: ensuring that what exists is strong and stable before adding more to the relationship.

I don't see myself in a poly relationship its harder enough to be in one relationship alone,, let alone another person in the mix!!

Heh.. Ya. As I've said, this isn't something that is for everyone.

[Dragonfly]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

Just wanted to add my voice here and say that being upfront and honest is the only way you will find what you are looking for. In my opinion there are more than most realize and this post of yours makes you more appealing imho because you are being real and open and sad to say that is a rare thing in the world. I would be willing to give my heart to someone who was happily married if said person was the right one it would all work out. What's meant to be will be w true committment and selfless love. So I think anyway.

[Bad Bad Boi]

Hey all,

Have really enjoyed this discussion and am subscribing to the thread.

I am new to the idea of poly possibilities in my own life.

I have known they exist but never had any idea how they could possibly work.

But recently I have had to come to grips with the fact that I love a woman in CA - who we only get to see each other 2 - 3 times a year. I thought at first that as I dated others, my feelings for her would dim... but Noooo.

So now I am considering the possibility of finding an East Coast relationship in which jealosy isn't the primary ingredient... allowing me to maintain a relationship with my CA love.

I do understand that it is more than possible to love and care about more than one person at the same time.

So thanks for starting this thread and the great discussion that is found here.

Peace and Blessings,

David

[princessbelle]

I know poly can work. I've seen it work. People in this thread and site show that it can work.

I was in a poly relationship that went wrong and I was hurt beyond any pain I could imagine possible. But, I do realize that there were so many things that were done wrong by my partner and by myself and by the other girl that it is no wonder it ended in disaster. It has taken a long time to heal, and parts of me are still in mourning, however getting better all the time.

So, even though I have been there done that and suffered through what I thought had destroyed my life, I have evolved from the pain to a stronger and more self nurturing person. I am open minded enough to realize that poly can be a very healthy, fullfilling, loving and a wonderful life for the right people.

Would I ever do it again? Doubtful, however never say never.

signed....

one who keeps all possibilities open when it comes to happiness....

[Isadora]

I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us.

I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL

A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship.

Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives.

It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible.

Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues.

Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me.

[Cajun_dee]

Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

[Cajun_dee]

anyone watch the series Sister Wives?

[Jesse]

I've seen it a few times, also watched the special the other night.

Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

[Cajun_dee]

I've seen it a few times, also watched the special the other night.

what did ya think of it..? I hear the first wife has been fired from her job because of the show...

[Jesse]

I think it's difficult to really show many of the positives of the poly lifestyle on a televised show. Sometimes they seem to angle it in such a way that it looks ugly...possibly they are more interested in the drama than in the reality of the 24/7 lifestyle. <shrug>

Not sure if she lost it or not but I do know there is talk of it, also they were drug into court due to the publicity from the 4th marriage.

what did ya think of it..? I hear the first wife has been fired from her job because of the show...

[Cajun_dee]

I think it's difficult to really show many of the positives of the poly lifestyle on a televised show. Sometimes they seem to angle it in such a way that it looks ugly...possibly they are more interested in the drama than in the reality of the 24/7 lifestyle. <shrug>

Not sure if she lost it or not but I do know there is talk of it, also they were drug into court due to the publicity from the 4th marriage.

no kidding, all thats normally ever shown are the pedophile communes...

I am glad the show is being aired.. its showing the functionality and how much power the wives have, and their wonderful bond.

[Jesse]

Lol! Last night I watched the special. They were being interviewed, and he flat out told the interviewer that he is not the boss, except for when it comes to getting the kids to do their homework or something.

I find it interesting, but wonder if others who are in poly relationship see it as a mockery or as not a true representation.


no kidding, all thats normally ever shown are the pedophile communes...

I am glad the show is being aired.. its showing the functionality and how much power the wives have, and their wonderful bond.

[Cajun_dee]

Lol! Last night I watched the special. They were being interviewed, and he flat out told the interviewer that he is not the boss, except for when it comes to getting the kids to do their homework or something.

I find it interesting, but wonder if others who are in poly relationship see it as a mockery or as not a true representation.


lol i think he is right.. the sisterhood of the wives is so very real. They each get each other and each have a job to do. They function independently and as a collective unit.. I think its wonderful..

[La Perla]

I too, have seen PR work remarkably well. Those of you that have the emotional maturity, and communication skills needed to create this type of relationship, have my respect. I personally am curious about Poly relationships, I am guessing freedom and responsibility can craft some remarkable, exciting situations.

[Cajun_dee]

I too, have seen PR work remarkably well. Those of you that have the emotional maturity, and communication skills needed to create this type of relationship, have my respect. I personally am curious about Poly relationships, I am guessing freedom and responsibility can craft some remarkable, exciting situations.

I personally think one has to be *wired* for poly. Not everyone is and that is ok.. It also takes one heck of a Head of Household to maintain the balance. I am glad I am not on that end of it.

Not sure what you mean by *freedom and responsibility* but exciting situations are what happens when you fall into the right PR.

[La Perla]

I personally think one has to be *wired* for poly. Not everyone is and that is ok.. It also takes one heck of a Head of Household to maintain the balance. I am glad I am not on that end of it.

Not sure what you mean by *freedom and responsibility* but exciting situations are what happens when you fall into the right PR.

I can imagine it would take a great deal of emotional maturity. I am happy that you found a wonderful family, and such a positive dynamic. What was going through my mind with freedom and responsibility? I was imagining that having a poly relationship would be a sort of freedom, at least from the cookie cutter "norm", and that feels inspiring to me. But I imagine that freedom comes with a need to be very responsible in dealing with your emotions and feelings in a way that keeps peace and harmony. Imagining being key here.

[Cajun_dee]

I can imagine it would take a great deal of emotional maturity. I am happy that you found a wonderful family, and such a positive dynamic. What was going through my mind with freedom and responsibility? I was imagining that having a poly relationship would be a sort of freedom, at least from the cookie cutter "norm", and that feels inspiring to me. But I imagine that freedom comes with a need to be very responsible in dealing with your emotions and feelings in a way that keeps peace and harmony. Imagining being key here.

Ahhh I see... You are dead right about being responsible with emotions.. and acting on them.. It's quite a learning experience, learning to deal with lots of emotions and ascertaining whether they are old stuff or new stuff. Sometimes an emotion can catch us off guard and we don't know what to do with it.. The responsible thing to do is not react to it, think about it and not act emotionally. Easier said than done but it is something I strive for.

[aurora]

Like my Spirit sister Sassy, I have always considered myself to be wired poly. Our lovely family has come together after a few years of Syr getting to know Sassy fairly well. I have just had a few months of loving and learning to work with my dear sister. It is definitely a journey and a work in progress.

For me, one of the most important factors for the potential long-term success of this triangle of love and marriage is the fact that I was the one to ask for the permanent addition of Sassy to our home. That is the key for me in managing the insecurities and occasional PMS spin-outs. My deep 15 year love for Syr, and my love and dedication of my spirit sister, are kept clear in my mind at times of self-doubt by that knowledge.
I have heard from others that have had a new partner imposed upon them, and heard the pain and suffering that followed the shift in the relationship. I am glad that in this thread, there is a strong opinion that good clear communication, and full agreement within the family on such a change, is extremely important.

As mentioned before work and clear communication is soooo important. Compassion and forgiveness and a desire to admit being wrong is also very important. One of the greatest benefits for me is suddenly having a friend to talk with who thinks the way I think about many things. In D/s relationships our partner is often our polar opposite in many ways, so having someone to just do girl-talk with about things one would not want to bother Syr. Sassy and I are learning a lot from each other, we are similar in some ways but very different in other ways. We are using that as a strength to grow in the relationship with each other and with Syr. Between job sharing and friendship and love, the extra work that is required is small compared to the benefits we are finding in our every day life now.

[Cajun_dee]

great points Sister aurora.

It is true, most poly relationships consist of one Dominant who will choose to bring a new partner in, pretty much whenever they want to. I am glad this is not our case ( I would have never ventured into that). The marriage that I entered into was solid, I am an addition to that. No one was looking for another partner. It just happened. It all made sense at that point.

Not being *brought* in to fill a void, or fix anything has made me very willing to venture into this. It works. We are not perfect but a life without even the smallest challenges would not be growing.

Having the Sisterly bond with aurora is also incredible. We've always connected somewhat and this is the greatest level of that. Talking things out and connecting is a wonderful gift.

[Martina]

It is true, most poly relationships consist of one Dominant who will choose to bring a new partner in, pretty much whenever they want to.

i really don't see this. i am not sure i have ever seen someone bring in a new person to a family without any preparation or negotiation, whether they "can" or not. i imagine it happens, but . . .

And most poly isn't D/s either.

[aurora]

Yes, indeed the Ds poly is a fairly small population in the community as a whole. And a successful poly dynamic is always based upon the feelings and needs of everyone involved. But within the BDSM community, where there are situations where the power exchange allows (with previous agreement) one member of the family to make choices for the others that would normally have to be negotiated continuously, there is the room for imposed additions. And, from what I have seen, even though the submissive members have given consent to whatever is to happen, it does not work out well if the new person is brought in without full, whole-hearted agreement from the more senior members.
Also, some of the Ds poly situations are more loosely-knit leather families where most live in other cities and are not in the same house...in this case the poly family members might feel a loss of extra communication with the Dom(me) when a new member is added, but are not in the day-to-day sharing the bathroom type communication with the other family members.

[aurora]

It also might be useful to chat about the different challenges and rewards that are found in online poly vs. in house poly. Many of the modern poly families I have met include a certain amount of online relationships, and this is a very interesting element to consider.

[Tommi]

I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us.

I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL

A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship.

Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives.

It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible.

Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues.

Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me.




Refreshing the page and the thread


"""Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me."""



Thank you Isadora. . I enjoy reading and re-reading your posts and the link above[/B]

[The_Lady_Snow]

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.

[Tommi]

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.

Well said, time well spent.

[Cajun_dee]

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.


yes yes!

Also there have been a few times where Master was asked to discuss *stuff* to help sort it out....and as it turns out the subs had it figured out and didn't need to bother Her..

always learning and growing.

[Miss_Tia]

This has been an interesting season in my life where alot of my "nevers" have been turned inside out, like you do for wash, and discovered where the roots came from and if they were just social taboos or some other goose liver pate', I really examined them.

Many of them became possibilities and some became realities. Like strap ons. I use to say I would never strap on. Oh Pshaw. That went out quickly. So did "I will never do a femme". Nonsense. I know what to do with a femme! I am one!

I have also said, I would never do Poly. I am too selfish. I could never share.

I think this is another self-lie based on cultural norms to fit in, based on heterosexual pairing. I like being coupled. I also know if given mature stable people who abided by consensual mutually agreed upon rules of the unit, it could be done.

However I am not planning on testing that out right now. But I do know never say never....

[Cajun_dee]

I learned to stop saying never very recently!

[aurora]

LOL yes Sassy, when you visited never-never land and found you never-never wanted to leave.

It is good when 2 or more people's energies come togther in a really positive way. And that sometimes can't be planned or petitioned or advertised for...it just happens. That is when the "never-be-poly" gets replaced by "Wow, this is great! Life is wonderful!" Just got to be open to gifts when they present themselves.

[IrishGrrl]

aurora..

I think you being the one to ask for your sister to join your family is beautiful! I understand how it would help with moments of self doubt. Someday I may have a sister, and I would want the foundation of our love for each other to be strong and in place. When I love someone, I want them to share in all that I find joy in, that's just a natural state of feeling for me.

Irish

[aurora]

Thank you IrishGrrl, I do hope that you find a spirit sister who is as wonderful as Sassy is to me. :praying:

A drama free poly is a great situation to aim for in any family...and certainly not bothering Master with silly things is a virtue to be acquired by every submissive and slave.

I think one of the important skills that make poly (under the same roof...online can be a bit different) run more smoothly is for the submissives (if a Ds poly situation) learn to work as a team and for the Dominant to trust them not to need micro managing. And one of the best ways to achieve this is to allow the subs to become best/loving friends or siblings.
As an example, one of the most lovely families I have met is run by a Femme Domme with her 2 bois. The bois are very good buddies and work together so well that when Ma'am gets home from work everything is perfect. She does not know or care who did what...all she knows is that her home is great. Everything is done and the bois are as happy as ever to see her. The bois figure out their own schedules, duties, etc. around their other obligations and live to please their Domme....drama free....efficient...everyone is happy.

[aurora]

When I think about it, humans are a pack animal. We have evolved in family units, tribes, clans, villages etc. The concept of 2 people standing alone against the world is actually a very modern and rather odd concept historically. So in that in queer culture we often make "chosen families and clans" the poly concept is quite logical. Not all poly relationships are sexual, but take the form of a love bond with the energy of a sibling, parent, cousin...so for me, a poly grouping feels much like a traditional association of people, but you get to choose the members of your clan.

[Massive]

I have to admit, this is a subject rather close to my heart right now, I've had my eyes re-opened to living life poly, for a long time I decided rather rigidly that I could only ever go down the monogamy road and then I found my baby boy and baby girl, both who live far, far away on the wrong side of the pond to me, but we're all aware of the distances and how that although we can't be physically there for one another just now, we can still be together emotionally and in our hearts. I love them both for who they are and I'm so glad I found them, I'd given up hope of finding anyone I could connect with on any level other than friendship. Now I just need to solve the whole UK - US side of it all.
On another note, talking about finding your tribe, etc, I call them my Family, a group of people I've got to know over the years, both Brothers and Sisters, from all over the US, who are in many ways more real to me than my own bio-family, which is kinda sad in a way, but at the same time I know that my chosen family gets me in a way my bio-family never, ever can. Don't get me wrong, I love my bio-family, but no matter how hard I try to explain to them, they just can't understand my chosen lifestyle, to them kinky would be not using a coaster under their cup of tea ... They are old fashioned British ladies, all pretty much single and have been for years, or have been married and are now divorced, me and my 'little' brother are the only guys in our family, its all women, so it can get a tad hormonal sometimes, not that that's a bad thing, but at least with my chosen online Family, I can talk to them about what I'm going through without getting "What?!?" I just get nods and hugs and unconditional love. I'm sure there's some kind of saying about being able to choose your friends but not your family, well, I've chosen my family and it's fecking awesome!

[Cajun_dee]

((((((( Massive ))))))))) It's so nice to see you happy my friend.

LOL @ Kinky = no coaster.....

Chosen family rocks!

[Massive]

Thank you sassy. *bigs hugs back* :cheesy:
Oh, I wish that part about coasters was a joke, I love my family, but could they be any more British?? Sadly, no lol
I can't agree more either, chosen Family does indeed rock!

[Sage]

Sweet Daddy,

Your boy definitely holds you close in her heart. I love you so damn much! I'm just so glad you can love me even with my ridiculously complicated relationship situation...and even though I already have two romantic partners and a Mommy and other Daddy. You really are wonderful, Daddy. *kiss*

Love,

Your Boy Sage



I have to admit, this is a subject rather close to my heart right now, I've had my eyes re-opened to living life poly, for a long time I decided rather rigidly that I could only ever go down the monogamy road and then I found my baby boy and baby girl, both who live far, far away on the wrong side of the pond to me, but we're all aware of the distances and how that although we can't be physically there for one another just now, we can still be together emotionally and in our hearts. I love them both for who they are and I'm so glad I found them, I'd given up hope of finding anyone I could connect with on any level other than friendship. Now I just need to solve the whole UK - US side of it all.

[Quintease]

This is such an emotive subject :blink:

I consider myself poly, unfortunately I live in a mono world. I can't count the amount of times I've been told by other online users, aquaintances and even lovers that poly is all about sleeping around and disregarding other peoples feelings, that it can never work, that the 'natural' way to show love is monogamy (despite both the bible and the animal kingdom suggesting otherwise), that there is no way to get beyond the jealousy and fear that most people experience.. despite the fact that most of us manage to move past negative feelings in other areas of our lives, that poly will impact on children negatively... as opposed to what? divorce, affairs, acrimonious breakups? And on and on... I've even had people who have had affairs tell me that polyamory was wrong!:| Um, but weren't you engaging in non-consensual polyamory?!!!

Now however I'm crazy in love with someone who considers himself naturally mono, so can't see himself ever able to be happy in an open arrangement. We both have our own illogical fears about this. He worries that by denying me an allowed outlet, I'll instead have affairs, and I worry that by being so resolutely mono, he'll be dishonest when he does find himself fancying someone else. I can't see it coming to that though. When I met my boyfriend I realised his happiness in our relationship meant more to me than anything else. If he's happy, I'm happy and besides, I can still look :D

[FemmeWriter]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

[Cajun_dee]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

If it's not where you want to be, then why do it? Poly does not fix problems, being poly is a LOT of work without using it to fix things.

Best of luck to you.

[kannon]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

Are you capable of having a sexually intimate relationship without developing feelings for the person? Some women struggle with this.

[atomiczombie]

If it's not where you want to be, then why do it? Poly does not fix problems, being poly is a LOT of work without using it to fix things.

Best of luck to you.



I totally agree. Being poly is not a way to fix a bad relationship.

[princessbelle]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

Girl. I wasn't going to respond to this but you did say you welcomed advice. Speaking from someone who had an experience in "going poly" because my relationship was in trouble. It didn't work. More than that, it was horrible. It was hell on earth and just lingered for our relationship to end when it should have ended way before that point.

I am an optimist and it is hard to even type that in response to you. But, wow i see some similarities in what you are saying here. Honestly, i'm worried about you. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain i went through with a poly relationship for a fix.

I do believe in poly relationships however, but i certainly don't think they are for everyone for any time in any relationship.

Just wanted to reach out to you, and ask you to really think about it. Love is great but it's not everything. If you are in an unhealthy relationship right now, going this route may only cause you way more pain. I repeat. Way more.

My opinion, of course.

Best of luck.

[Sachita]

Girl. I wasn't going to respond to this but you did say you welcomed advice. Speaking from someone who had an experience in "going poly" because my relationship was in trouble. It didn't work. More than that, it was horrible. It was hell on earth and just lingered for our relationship to end when it should have ended way before that point.

I am an optimist and it is hard to even type that in response to you. But, wow i see some similarities in what you are saying here. Honestly, i'm worried about you. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain i went through with a poly relationship for a fix.

I do believe in poly relationships however, but i certainly don't think they are for everyone for any time in any relationship.

Just wanted to reach out to you, and ask you to really think about it. Love is great but it's not everything. If you are in an unhealthy relationship right now, going this route may only cause you way more pain. I repeat. Way more.

My opinion, of course.

Best of luck.


I remember reading about this in another thread. Big hugz. It;'s true what everyone says- if you don't really feel a poly connection and if monogamy is where you're at then its totally fine. You don't elect poly to fix a relationship but to add to it. Very big difference.

[princessbelle]

I remember reading about this in another thread. Big hugz. It;'s true what everyone says- if you don't really feel a poly connection and if monogamy is where you're at then its totally fine. You don't elect poly to fix a relationship but to add to it. Very big difference.

Thanks Sachita. I don't mean to keep repeating myself which i know i do. All of that is way in my past but, when i see a sister or brother heading down a road i've been, i can't help but try and reach out.

I suppose that's what older people do...rinse and repeat...at least in thoughts. LOL.

[Sachita]

Thanks Sachita. I don't mean to keep repeating myself which i know i do. All of that is way in my past but, when i see a sister or brother heading down a road i've been, i can't help but try and reach out.

I suppose that's what older people do...rinse and repeat...at least in thoughts. LOL.



Darling you should repeat yourself. that is the beauty of exchange and sharing and IMO the reason for discussion. I love your candid exchange. Don't ever stop sharing your experiences.


I might can do poly. I sit on the fence with it mainly because I know how complex it can be. It';s not an easy solution nor can it fix anything. In fact, although not an expert, mind you, I feel it is a choice for some. I love the idea of it but wonder about the execution of it. Under the right circumstances I see it as a beautiful and wonderful thing but in most people's reality it is scary and complex dynamic.

[Leigh]

I'm actually glad that this thread has popped up because I have been thinking about going poly for a long time, and I've met someone that I've been getting to know over the past couple of weeks (not from this site) who is poly. Hy is female in body but identifies more as a male, and is married to a bio man who is also poly. They are open about everything and so far I've felt a very deep connection to the person I am talking to. Hy is just the sweetest guy; we seem to have connected on a very deep level so far and I am simply taking things one day at a time. I can say one thing for sure .......... from what I know of hym so far, hy is simply amazing and I'm on cloud nine :-)

[Cajun_dee]

Poly is complex and complicated but with the right people and dynamic it's WONDERFUL.

Syr and I had no idea just how wired we were for poly. My Sister wife is the one who brought to our attention that over the years we all had really been poly, even though I was long distance. She and Syr together for 16 years, Syr and her bois longer than that. Not all members of a poly household have sex, like Syr and her bois. Syr has been Daddi to them for about 20 years. I admired that she was capable of loving people in close relationships for long periods of time. It is an easy transition to meld into the household when you have the grace and love of all of those involved. I was not a new toy Syr brought home without the consent of her wife. Her wife is the one who asked for me, saying that Syr and I loved each other respectfully and platonically for years but it was ok if we wanted to nurture that, and before I knew it, we were all in this thing together. She said she always loved how Syr cared for me, and vice versa and didn't see a reason for that to ever end.

We deal with issues but compared to most mono couples we have it really good! We talk, talk, talk, respect and lean on each other. It's a wonderful connection we all have, we play, we cry, we laugh together.

Some want people a new partner added to the union so they can have sex with multiple partners. That is not always the case. We have our fun but the bond with my Sister, Syr's bois and Syr of course is what draws me to this lifestyle. I want the family.

[Leigh]

I really like hearing about how loving your household is Dee :)

[Apocalipstic]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you! (f)

[Cajun_dee]

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you! (f)

This is what I feel is Polyamory. Not committed by marriage to partners but totally in love with them, sex or no sex.

We also live in the kink world so play comes into play. When we play together as a family, wow the bond even stronger.

I keep sayin, the family that plays together stays together. :)

[FemmeWriter]

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

[Apocalipstic]

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

I hope everything works out! Take care of you first!

[DamonK]

We are poly.

I have another person as well as MBE.

MBE is looking for another.

For us, it is not critical that we all have a relationship. We all have to get along, meaning her partners and me and vice versa.

Let's just say I'm dating X and she's dating Y. We want everyone to get along, but right now, we're not necessarily looking for a family situation.

Are there a couple of people that we could see in our family? Absolutely.

For us, we know that we cannot fill the other's needs entirely. She's my slave. I cannot be her Daddy. Therefore, that's what she's looking for. She knows the energy that I have fulfilled in my separate relationship and is fine with it.

[Cajun_dee]

We are poly.

I have another person as well as MBE.

MBE is looking for another.

For us, it is not critical that we all have a relationship. We all have to get along, meaning her partners and me and vice versa.

Let's just say I'm dating X and she's dating Y. We want everyone to get along, but right now, we're not necessarily looking for a family situation.

Are there a couple of people that we could see in our family? Absolutely.

For us, we know that we cannot fill the other's needs entirely. She's my slave. I cannot be her Daddy. Therefore, that's what she's looking for. She knows the energy that I have fulfilled in my separate relationship and is fine with it.


Hi Damon !

I think it's great that you can do this. It takes a great deal of maturity and
patience, and security to do this.

I think it takes a great deal of love and security to say "I'm not Daddi/Mommy/Sir/Mistress etc, so if you find that outside of us I am
Ok with that" I know it's not as simple as that but getting to that point
is pretty mature.

[Sachita]

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.


if sexual passion was there once it can be again. It always requires some work. Like a plant it can't exist without being nourished. Sometimes you gotta dig real deep and find things to awaken. Forget about the pressure of orgasm but focus on the lighthearted joy of intimacy, adventure and exploring something new. It took some time to create this distance and it will take time to repair it.

get a little wild with each other.

[Sachita]

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you! (f)


you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.

[Cajun_dee]

you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.


Exactly! Syr is, and has been the alpha at all times, no matter what. That is the natural order. That is not to say we do not have a voice, of course we do, and She consults us on issues all the time. Sometimes I realize that She is actually informing me, not asking me until I hear *I didn't ask for your opinion, but thank you * :|

She is a female identified butch. We are all *she* including Syr and the bois. It's feels very natural to me. This family has evolved over a period of 20 years, well before the inception of BF forums and Second Life dictating what labels we *should be* using to describe masculine women. It feels right for me being in a Matriarchal family.

We do not have what I call *drama*, we each have issues yes of course. We all evolve of course, we act accordingly. We give each other space to grow with Syr's guidance. There is no attitudes towards each other here, and if something is bothering us we talk about it. Some times it's just a personality quirk that we have to deal with, (aka "get the fuck over it") and sometimes it's a real issue that has to be addressed. You have to have personalities in the household that are gracious and respectful. Immature and self centered people would not do well here. Sometimes a shit stirrer can be the one who seems like the most loyal and respectful, that's not always the case. Sometimes people have an agenda. That would never fly here.

Syr expects us to handle ourselves with each other without Her needing to intervene, and we do. She also knows that a calm household is a happy household and facilitates that.

My Sister wife and I also work together. She graciously hired me to work in her clinic doing bodywork, which adds a very unusual dynamic. She is the boss at work and I respect that, and enjoy it. I get to show up, take care of my clients, and go home. I do have a voice there and stand my ground when I need to, as I would any other job. I contribute to the household finances and receive an allowance from Syr like I always have. If I need anything of course, it comes out of the *pot* which we all contribute to. We are very blessed here financially, but it doesn't come without the work that it takes to make it so. I am learning to ask for things when I want them and not feel like a burden, always something new to learn!

[Sachita]

Exactly! Syr is, and has been the alpha at all times, no matter what. That is the natural order. That is not to say we do not have a voice, of course we do, and She consults us on issues all the time. Sometimes I realize that She is actually informing me, not asking me until I hear *I didn't ask for your opinion, but thank you * :|

She is a female identified butch. We are all *she* including Syr and the bois. It's feels very natural to me. This family has evolved over a period of 20 years, well before the inception of BF forums and Second Life dictating what labels we *should be* using to describe masculine women. It feels right for me being in a Matriarchal family.

We do not have what I call *drama*, we each have issues yes of course. We all evolve of course, we act accordingly. We give each other space to grow with Syr's guidance. There is no attitudes towards each other here, and if something is bothering us we talk about it. Some times it's just a personality quirk that we have to deal with, (aka "get the fuck over it") and sometimes it's a real issue that has to be addressed. You have to have personalities in the household that are gracious and respectful. Immature and self centered people would not do well here. Sometimes a shit stirrer can be the one who seems like the most loyal and respectful, that's not always the case. Sometimes people have an agenda. That would never fly here.

Syr expects us to handle ourselves with each other without Her needing to intervene, and we do. She also knows that a calm household is a happy household and facilitates that.

My Sister wife and I also work together. She graciously hired me to work in her clinic doing bodywork, which adds a very unusual dynamic. She is the boss at work and I respect that, and enjoy it. I get to show up, take care of my clients, and go home. I do have a voice there and stand my ground when I need to, as I would any other job. I contribute to the household finances and receive an allowance from Syr like I always have. If I need anything of course, it comes out of the *pot* which we all contribute to. We are very blessed here financially, but it doesn't come without the work that it takes to make it so. I am learning to ask for things when I want them and not feel like a burden, always something new to learn!

Matriarchal family is exactly the reason.

more later

[Sachita]

I see myself definitely in a matriarchal family where I am alpha and very much as you described Dee. There has to be a spiritual element even if that is unconditional love and devotion. For me to care for, control, own, etc. I must have the exchange of complete control and devotion. In order for me to orchestrate the entire family dynamic I must be informed of how each person feels, thinks and monitor/own their movement. I enjoy full control- mind, body and soul. The more control one gives me the more I flourish. Some don't want the responsibility where I thrive on it. It would be the only way I would agree to a poly household. In fact at this point the only type of relationship I seek. It doesnt have to have bdsm, outward kinky play, although that would be nice, but more importantly a highly spiritual female led dynamic.

[Cajun_dee]

I see myself definitely in a matriarchal family where I am alpha and very much as you described Dee. There has to be a spiritual element even if that is unconditional love and devotion. For me to care for, control, own, etc. I must have the exchange of complete control and devotion. In order for me to orchestrate the entire family dynamic I must be informed of how each person feels, thinks and monitor/own their movement. I enjoy full control- mind, body and soul. The more control one gives me the more I flourish. Some don't want the responsibility where I thrive on it. It would be the only way I would agree to a poly household. In fact at this point the only type of relationship I seek. It doesnt have to have bdsm, outward kinky play, although that would be nice, but more importantly a highly spiritual female led dynamic.


Those are wonderful attributes of a great Master IMO. Our energy in this house, which we thrive on is M/s and for Syr and I also D/g. It is very powerful and I feel that I am under an umbrella of protection and caring.

I am expected to say what is on my mind if asked, I am not allowed to withhold, and Syr had to learn to be ready for me to unload. Without the prompting I won't say anything, and that is not good. My feelings are never dismissed although I may be told I am over reacting or to put my focus elsewhere. I have gone to my Syr for years for things in my life, only now, they directly affect Her, so much has changed.

My Syr is responsible for me. Not once has She ever made me feel like a burden or a bother, She has pulled Her hair out at times, but that's part of the life here lol. I am also expected to take care of Her property by eating well ( an ongoing struggle) and feeling fulfilled in all facets.

We started out long distance in a wonderful D/s, it was perfect for us both at the time and it just kinda happened. She has been my rock since then. My sister has and is a great mentor for me, that will always be I feel.

[kissinfemme]

Those are wonderful attributes of a great Master IMO. Our energy in this house, which we thrive on is M/s and for Syr and I also D/g. It is very powerful and I feel that I am under an umbrella of protection and caring.

I am expected to say what is on my mind if asked, I am not allowed to withhold, and Syr had to learn to be ready for me to unload. Without the prompting I won't say anything, and that is not good. My feelings are never dismissed although I may be told I am over reacting or to put my focus elsewhere. I have gone to my Syr for years for things in my life, only now, they directly affect Her, so much has changed.

My Syr is responsible for me. Not once has She ever made me feel like a burden or a bother, She has pulled Her hair out at times, but that's part of the life here lol. I am also expected to take care of Her property by eating well ( an ongoing struggle) and feeling fulfilled in all facets.

We started out long distance in a wonderful D/s, it was perfect for us both at the time and it just kinda happened. She has been my rock since then. My sister has and is a great mentor for me, that will always be I feel.


I've thought about poly for a long time, unsure if that was a road I wanted to travel but.... with the way Dee has described her happy family life I would love to have/be a part of something wonderful like that and think I would do very well & thrive with that dynamic. Hmmm....

[Cajun_dee]

I've thought about poly for a long time, unsure if that was a road I wanted to travel but.... with the way Dee has described her happy family life I would love to have/be a part of something wonderful like that and think I would do very well & thrive with that dynamic. Hmmm....

I would have never gone out and sought this lifestyle. I've always admired the Sister bond in poly families. Still I never thought of myself in this life, in the past I have had major insecurities and such. However, with the right setting and people those things go away and you feel solid and secure.

I suggest to check out your wiring, I would have never thought I would want this, but I am flying in this lifestyle.

dee

[HoustonHuny]

I would have never gone out and sought this lifestyle. I've always admired the Sister bond in poly families. Still I never thought of myself in this life, in the past I have had major insecurities and such. However, with the right setting and people those things go away and you feel solid and secure.

I suggest to check out your wiring, I would have never thought I would want this, but I am flying in this lifestyle.

dee

I am really intriqued by this subject. I have always known that I was non-monogamous, but I think that is entirely different. I had a 20-year, same-time-next-year type of love affair while in committed relationships. If my partners had known about it, they could not have dealt with it. I think it takes a very secure person to be able to handle this type of situation without all of the jealousy and possessivness that just goes with the territory in any relationship. I admire your ability to rise above these issues.

Speaking for myself, I have known being "in-love" with more than one person at a time. Maybe this is not the case with you, but obviously it is the case with your "Syr."

What makes me curious is how she handles the needs of two women at the same time. :winky:

[atomiczombie]

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

[Cajun_dee]

I am really intriqued by this subject. I have always known that I was non-monogamous, but I think that is entirely different. I had a 20-year, same-time-next-year type of love affair while in committed relationships. If my partners had known about it, they could not have dealt with it. I think it takes a very secure person to be able to handle this type of situation without all of the jealousy and possessivness that just goes with the territory in any relationship. I admire your ability to rise above these issues.

Speaking for myself, I have known being "in-love" with more than one person at a time. Maybe this is not the case with you, but obviously it is the case with your "Syr."

What makes me curious is how she handles the needs of two women at the same time. :winky:


LOL this made me chuckle. Well first let me say that "I feel" ( I made sure I added that this time!) it takes being secure, but your partners have to also take care of this. I mean, we are all very discreet when we need to be and open and up front where we need to be. If the balance is not kept fairly, problems will happen. The best part is the wives encouraging a wonderful relationship with Syr individually. When Syr is right with each of us, we have a great life! When something is amiss with one of us, we all feel it. It's scary and wonderful at the same time.

Being *in love* with more than one person is Polyamorous. I believe this happens so often, but people just don't put a name on it. I feel I am in love with my Sister to a degree, not exactly the way I love Syr. I don't want two lovers. I am also Syr's property so I would never be allowed to sleep or play with anyone beside her, which I have no desire to do anyway.

Syr is great at handling our needs... we are required to ask when we feel we need something, we may not get it but we are required to ask. She is quite a Master at balancing us both, and spreading the love in many ways.

What she is trying to handle is two women cycling at the same time every month. :|

[Cajun_dee]

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

I am not saying this is your case, but SO many times people say this exact thing, until it happens.

Up front and honest are the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Each and every time someone isn't upfront about something, problems occur in our household. Then once whatever it is comes out, we all talk and get through it, the next day is better than ever.

[HoustonHuny]

What she is trying to handle is two women cycling at the same time every month. :|

Yikes! :scared:

[fever]

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

Atomic, I don't understand your statements here. If I am a stonefemme, I thought I would respect and love you just as you are.

I am a stonefemme, and I am not interested in your "boobs". I wouldn't be going out with a stone or TG if I want to play with breasts. I adore a guy's chest area, and don't even think about the breasts.

I do agree with your statement about honesty and being up front with a partner. Always.

humbly,
Candice

[atomiczombie]

Atomic, I don't understand your statements here. If I am a stonefemme, I thought I would respect and love you just as you are.

I am a stonefemme, and I am not interested in your "boobs". I wouldn't be going out with a stone or TG if I want to play with breasts. I adore a guy's chest area, and don't even think about the breasts.

I do agree with your statement about honesty and being up front with a partner. Always.

humbly,
Candice

Well not all femmes are stone femmes in the way you are. Not all femmes are strictly bottoms. Some switch. Some are Tops. So if I am partnered with a switch, then I would want her to be able to enjoy topping with someone else. Who am I to say she can't get that want fulfilled? I am not interested in confining my partner in a relationship where she doesn't get to enjoy all the things she might like. As long as it is all above board and she is being safe about it, then I would be fine with that.

[kannon]

I am not saying this is your case, but SO many times people say this exact thing, until it happens.

Up front and honest are the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Each and every time someone isn't upfront about something, problems occur in our household. Then once whatever it is comes out, we all talk and get through it, the next day is better than ever.

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Not necessarily kannon, fucking CAN BE just that no feelings attached.. That's my opinion though I don't "need" or "require" heartstrings or posturing in my poly...

[kannon]

Not necessarily kannon, fucking CAN BE just that no feelings attached.. That's my opinion though I don't "need" or "require" heartstrings or posturing in my poly...


You have that ability. I discovered that I was willing and able to share someone I had very strong feelings for. But some can't, or they can't in certain situations, and they, like my X's boyfriend, don't realize their emotional limitations until they experience them. Then they are like, "Oh, shit." My girlfriend's, X suffered for years because he lost something he loved dearly. I feel like the whole experience traumatized him.

Of course, this isn't the case for everyone. But his case is a cautionary tale about the possible emotional repercussions.

[The_Lady_Snow]

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

[always2late]

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

Took the words right out of my mouth. When I read the OP, my first thought was that there is a serious breach of trust there. The incident spoken of went outside the framework of the established relationship. Could the breakup have been due to other factors? Yes, of course that could be the case, however, I'm sure the betrayal of trust didn't help.

[kannon]

Took the words right out of my mouth. When I read the OP, my first thought was that there is a serious breach of trust there. The incident spoken of went outside the framework of the established relationship. Could the breakup have been due to other factors? Yes, of course that could be the case, however, I'm sure the betrayal of trust didn't help.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe things would have worked out differently if we had talked about things before doing them. Certainly, open and honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship, not just poly.

[kittygrrl]

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

It's hard not to keep feelings out of such a close mutually enjoyable relationship for the two intimately involved, so it becomes a little complicated..some people enjoy living on that edge, some people can tolerate it as long as their personal boundaries are respected..I think it works out better if there is a close relationship (not necessarily) sexual with all parties..more of a poly fidelity arrangement than polyamorous..just saying..

[Quintease]

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior.

That. That is not necessarily poly IMO. It is not allowing someone the freedom to be with other people. It is a form of monogamy, only allowing one's partner to have experiences which can be chaperoned and monitored by yourself.

I understand that she wanted things that her boyfriend would not allow, so their relationship suffered. Had he allowed her to make her own decisions, find her own way, he may have kept her and the relationship intact. Instead he pulled and she resisted, until eventually the ties snapped.

You cannot help developing feelings when building a relationship with someone else. Having an open and honest polyamorous relationship means acknowledging that feelings will happen and being ready to confront it openly and honestly. Affection born of a secondary or sexual relationship may indicate that your relationship is in trouble or they may mean nothing at all, just a natural result of intimacy. Liking someone, caring for someone, missing someone, wanting to see someone, doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to run off and build a home with someone.

I think if you want to try polyamory, so as to bring excitement, new partners and new sexual experiences into the relationship, then you also have to be ready to face any resulting fears and jealousy that it will bring up.

[kittygrrl]

That. That is not necessarily poly IMO. It is not allowing someone the freedom to be with other people. It is a form of monogamy, only allowing one's partner to have experiences which can be chaperoned and monitored by yourself.

I understand that she wanted things that her boyfriend would not allow, so their relationship suffered. Had he allowed her to make her own decisions, find her own way, he may have kept her and the relationship intact. Instead he pulled and she resisted, until eventually the ties snapped.

You cannot help developing feelings when building a relationship with someone else. Having an open and honest polyamorous relationship means acknowledging that feelings will happen and being ready to confront it openly and honestly. Affection born of a secondary or sexual relationship may indicate that your relationship is in trouble or they may mean nothing at all, just a natural result of intimacy. Liking someone, caring for someone, missing someone, wanting to see someone, doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to run off and build a home with someone.

I think if you want to try polyamory, so as to bring excitement, new partners and new sexual experiences into the relationship, then you also have to be ready to face any resulting fears and jealousy that it will bring up.

yes excitement and new always feel great, so of course the attachment can be intoxicating..he may very well have wanted to "control" the situation, I don't personally see much wrong with that, as certain boundaries a primary is entitled to..ultimatums (however) are usually toxic to any relationship even if she had stayed..but she chose to leave and hopefully is happier..but I don't think the primary did anything wrong, his boundaries were crossed and he felt disrespected..and took an extreme measure, maybe hastily, but understandable.

[Cajun_dee]

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

I thought the same thing when I read that. There can be no going behind anyone's back in any relationship, of any kind or there is going to be trouble. To me that indicated there is already a problem.

There is a difference between being discreet and staying in the boundaries of what is agreed upon and doing things behind someone's back.

[Cajun_dee]

In my situation, we had all been friends for a very long time and with me in service to Syr in a D/s situation.

My spirit sister took me into her home, welcomes me to share her partner and her world. She shares her home, her loves, her work, her money, her life with me, I could never in a million years do ANYthing behind her back, or anyone's.

When she and Syr are at their best, We are all at our best. It's in my best interest to live a happy drama free life.

Honesty is paramount, even if the truth hurts, it's better than the alternative.

[StrongButch]

Thank you all for sharing I am poly I enjoy the service and energy of a boi and at times a grl I am always honest about this and do not feel that I must choose one over the other

[Cajun_dee]

Thank you all for sharing I am poly I enjoy the service and energy of a boi and at times a grl I am always honest about this and do not feel that I must choose one over the other

do you all live in the same home?

[StrongButch]

I am old fashioned in many ways I observe and talk to folks for a long time before I even ask them out I have found this is what works best for me I like to keep it casual for the 1st year I want to make sure our energy blends and no one gets hurt I have lived in Seattle for 1 1/2 yrs and find many wanna rush I am in no hurry and have been single most my life by choice I find many mistake sex for love and commitement I dont My presence is strong and I require a strong person to serve me as well

[Miss_J]

I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

[Cajun_dee]

I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

AMEN............