View Full Version : Gaea's Place
I seem to be writing more and more in the just listening thread putting my thoughts into some sort of formidable words as things in life are striking me, things i enjoy etc. I really wasn't sure if i wanted my thread however rather than blogging down the just listening thread i thought this appropriate a place as any to share my thoughts on things I in life I see, witness or just a place i get some of these thought that go trampling thought my head out onto.
Today seems as good as any as the jumping off point as i begin packing up the year 2011 there seems to be a feeling of remorse as i look at all the work i have done over the last year however my file cabinets will once again be empty for a day or two till new orders come in and such.
Out with the "old" in with the "new" seems to be quite a popular statement and it has me thinking what this is all about and how people have applied that very statement to other people as well. There no longer seems to be any sort of loyalty or respect for whats already in existence.
For the last several years at the end of the year i have packed up a solid years work only to begin again, i know what to do what goes where how to handle this or how to handle that, i am a paper person I keep my paper i can fall back on it when and if a "system" ever crashes, now I'm learning that this whole last years worth of work will go straight to the shredders because everything i do is scanned as well right onto my servers work workload is tripled to ensure the integrity of documentation.
so out with the paper and in with the file i can just click on whenever i need to pull it up.
Seems to me as though people have become this way as well just a "file" to be forgotten about and then someday thrown on a disk and then perhaps when a new system comes out just tossed away.
Now I'm a thinker and these are just my thoughts for the day as I begin packing up 2011 and getting ready for 2012 at my place of employment.
For the first time since i began with this company i can honestly say i love my job. I had missed my previous employer so much i failed to see what it is i have right in front of me, and here recently i have, I am damn good at what i do for a living and I take and show pride in my work as well as my ethics, and now I'm forced to resolve my "paper" issue and give way to the more technological ways. Although I do not think this to be such a great idea at least my company now recycles and shreds accordingly that I'm stoked about.
Perhaps I'll write more later today then again perhaps i wont be on again till tomorrow.
Till then If you have read this have a glorious Friday and be safe this weekend.
Im not real sure how i feel about my daughter having had an abortion, she was suppose to have the procedure on tuesday the 27th however didnt have it i think i had some hope she would keep the baby...
She had the procedure today like it was nothing she is off to go out of town tomorrow....
Im not sure however this doesn't feel so good at the moment..
I can put all these things together logically ive always bee about logic etc...the last few years trying to teach myself that its ok to feel as well and right now this whole thing doesn't feel so good...so to find the balance i will look at the logic...and just try not to feel this...
It is noon on omg i napped i rarely ever take a nap then again i was awake at 4:30 this morning, my daughter was suppose to bring her pup by she didn't get here until around ten and then i napped...
I have no idea of his breed he looks like a fox he is pretty, my pup she likes him she keeps mounting him its kind of funny she wants to own him she is funny that way. She is usually very cranky with other small dogs however she likes this one.
Most people I know will bring in the new year out at some club or bar or even in the city and I will bring it in with my pillow and blankie and im sure we will hear fireworks as im close to the rivers and they set them off over the river every year, im sure too there will be people here partying. I dont think i have made it to midnight on a new years eve in a very long time..haha i don't know what that says if im boring or what. For me i just prefer to stay safe in the comfort of my warm home lol. Maybe i should get out more often.
Ive had a few too many curve balls in 2011 the biggest one having spent most of the year sick due to bad tonsils infecting my system not stop for the first 8 mos and the last 4 have been literally learning how to swallow again, i still choke on some foods and even occasionally ill take a drink of water and it will literally shoot right out of my nose, a tonsillectomy as an adult is surely no fun however the poisons are gone from my system that in itself is a blessing.
I promised my Aunties i would get to louisville to see them in 2012, one of them is sick and in a nursing home and her partner can no longer care for her they had over thirty years together and it pains me that they have to be apart and i miss them dearly, i plan to see them this year, they need to know how big an influence they have had in my life.
So saying goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012.
The song Cats in the Cradle runs through my mind a lot these days...I dont need to find the time to do what it is i want to do i need to make the time plain and simple...I need to stop using work as a reason i dont do the things i want to. i dont feel as if time is necessarily on my side ha sometimes i think it is slipping away faster than i can hold onto it. seems like it was new years eve 2010/2011 just yesterday. Time certainly goes faster the older I get.
I was thinking about the last Christmas i spent with my dad that has already been a decade a whole flippen 10 years geez Dad---I miss you <3.
I look around my little apartment, I will clear out the spare room and get a roommate to offset my expenses...i like living alone sometimes...sometimes i miss the noise of another human being. A roommate....pondering this however i think it will do me some good to have one.
i dont make resolutions they are like promises to yourself that you break...i have never made one not one single resolution...i often wonder why new years is a time for people to resolve to do something after all if you wanted to do something why put off till new years why not in the summer or spring or fall why not when the moment struck just right? Then again if i make a promise to myself maybe i would hold myself accountable to that promise...hm something to think about here...there's always two sides after all to any one given topic and sometimes there is multiple perceptions depending on who im talking with.
:fireworks::fireworks::fireworks::fireworks:
:fireworks::fireworks::fireworks::fireworks:
:fireworks::fireworks::fireworks::fireworks:
2012
Im going to brave walmart on my own im not feeling well i need some cough medicine and some hair conditioner thus braving the walmart on my own...i hope there's not alot of people there today.
ive gotten dependent on people to be on the phone with me or physically with me when i have to go into large stores...i guess today is as good a day as any just to brave it and just to do it...sad but true.
I considered having a hot toddy however if im not mistaken that requires whiskey and yuck i cant stand the smell of that stuff let alone the taste of it so some medicine that came reccomended and some cough medicine here i go.
Well i got there and the parking lot was full and i think i muttered something to the affect of dont all these people have a party to get too?
In any case i was on a mission for some recommended medicine and i asked for help because i could not find it they didn't have it so i opted for zinc and theraflu 9this crap is in my chest) in any case i thought while im there i would pick up a new antivirus and a movie and i scored a little 29.00 dvd player i could use in my lr as my br already has one...I picked up the movie the proposal, me and the pups will sleep out here tonight my comfy place when i do not feel well.
all in all i got lost a few times however made it out of the store with 2 bags.."what! a dvd player fit in one!" lol spent more money than i care to say for only having 2 bags of stuff...
Then i went to the taco bell i haven't had taco bell in a couple of years there menu although very similar looked different thus i sat in the drive thru a minute trying to decide what i wanted...taco supremes and a Dr Pepper...i dont think tb actually uses real dr p as it never tastes right theres just something wrong with it...
oh i forgot to mention i had gone to the bank and upon leaving noticed a flappy thing hanging under my car plastic i think it needs to come off ..i think it protected the underside of my engine...im no good with these things a phone call to my son in law is in order.
Now i am home have installed my software and dvd player and i will take some theraflu and watch a movie or 2 or 3 ...
Parker
12-31-2011, 07:02 PM
I watched a few movies I rented from Amazon, but now I'm all over the Twilight Zone marathon on Syfy ;)
I am also thinking of making some dog cookies, but it depends on how engrossed I get in the marathon. lol
I hope you feel better so you an start out the new year in good health - enjoy your movies. :)
I did not make it to midnight last night, i don't think i even made it to 9pm although i did watch the proposal it was a good movie then i put in an all time favorite somewhere in time, i woke up at 1 am i had missed the fireworks and the partying going on above me all well and good at least i was able to sleep through the noise levels. i restarted my movie it is one i will watch when not feeling well i also have a tendency to watch the godfather marathon of movies when not well,thinking i will do that today.
My pup stayed right by me last night as she usually does however last night even closer because she knows im not feeling well, my little grandpup Dodger was active all night long i woke to find he had pulled all the toys out of the toy basket and had collected several of them around his kennel (sh, dont tell his parents i couldnt put him in there) as well as a ton of the toys being put on bears couch which he seems to have taken over he is such a cutie i think he was trying to play with my pup she is a bit of a snob of sorts...she is keeping him at bay and away from me even though im showering him with attention he wont come sit in my lap she gets a bit cranky lol.
last nights taco bell is haunting my system then again it could just be the flu...
I love movies about time travel not sure why however i have since i was a kid, there's no explanation to this
I own Somewhere in Time,premonition, the lake house, the time travelers wife all these really great movies.
I dont know i think maybe its a chic flic kinda day over the godfather...that and some turkey soup with some noodles later.
I watched a few movies I rented from Amazon, but now I'm all over the Twilight Zone marathon on Syfy ;)
I am also thinking of making some dog cookies, but it depends on how engrossed I get in the marathon. lol
I hope you feel better so you an start out the new year in good health - enjoy your movies. :)
I am so enjoying my new player in my living room ha....
so did you stay stuck on the twilight zone or did you make dog cookies?
ive recently started scrambling an egg for my pup she loves eggs and ive noticed since feeding them to her that her coat is really soft and shiny.
thanks for the well wishes.
Did you make it to midnight with that wine and make a wish?
claybaby
01-01-2012, 11:21 AM
Im going to brave walmart on my own im not feeling well i need some cough medicine and some hair conditioner thus braving the walmart on my own...i hope there's not alot of people there today.
ive gotten dependent on people to be on the phone with me or physically with me when i have to go into large stores...i guess today is as good a day as any just to brave it and just to do it...sad but true.
I considered having a hot toddy however if im not mistaken that requires whiskey and yuck i cant stand the smell of that stuff let alone the taste of it so some medicine that came reccomended and some cough medicine here i go.
a daddi would be so proud of hys babygrrrlll....smiles
a daddi would be so proud of hys babygrrrlll....smiles
maybe, thank you
Parker
01-01-2012, 03:56 PM
I am so enjoying my new player in my living room ha....
so did you stay stuck on the twilight zone or did you make dog cookies?
ive recently started scrambling an egg for my pup she loves eggs and ive noticed since feeding them to her that her coat is really soft and shiny.
thanks for the well wishes.
Did you make it to midnight with that wine and make a wish?
I did make it to midnight, yes :)
I gave up on the Twilight Zone marathon because they showed too many in a row that weren't my favorites. Instead, I switched over to the Big Bang Theory marathon and made a couple of batches of dog cookies - 1 batch that was mainly peanut butter & 1 batch that was mainly pumpkin.
Eggs are good for a dog's coat - so is flax seed (ground or oil), which is something I added to the dog cookies I made, as well as fish oil. One of my dogs has a lot of allergies, so I sometimes have to give him something to help his skin - which is why I also added oatmeal to each batch of cookies. ;)
All-in-all, it was a good night!
I did make it to midnight, yes :)
I gave up on the Twilight Zone marathon because they showed too many in a row that weren't my favorites. Instead, I switched over to the Big Bang Theory marathon and made a couple of batches of dog cookies - 1 batch that was mainly peanut butter & 1 batch that was mainly pumpkin.
Eggs are good for a dog's coat - so is flax seed (ground or oil), which is something I added to the dog cookies I made, as well as fish oil. One of my dogs has a lot of allergies, so I sometimes have to give him something to help his skin - which is why I also added oatmeal to each batch of cookies. ;)
All-in-all, it was a good night!
I love the big bang theory lmao especially sheldon he cracks me up.
Are these dog cookies like human cookies? How many pups in all do you have ?
Im glad so far my pup doesn't have any serious issues, she had a seizure last year however i believe it was due to a change in her diet..once back on her normal diet she has been well since. She likes the egg every morning so i will continue this for her.
Parker
01-01-2012, 06:38 PM
Your baby must love an egg every morning for breakfast! :)
I have 3 dogs plus 1 foster dog who has been with me since September 2010 - he is a little disabled and more like a cat than a dog (comes to you when he damn well pleases, doesn't like to cuddle or go for walks, etc), so even though he is small and cute, he has been hard to adopt out; but I promised he could stay with me until we find him a home, so here's where he stays :)
The dog cookies are kind of like human cookies, but not with any of the good stuff we humans like to eat, like chocolate, sugar, etc. The batch that was mostly peanut butter also had: whole wheat flour, oats, milk, baking powder, ground flax seed, dried blueberries, and dried apples; and it yielded about 8 cookies per dog. The other batch that was mostly canned pure pumpkin also had: whole wheat flour, eggs, peanut butter, cinnamon, oats, ground flax seed, and dried apples; and it yielded about 11 cookies per dog.
It was kind of fun - a little time consuming because this is the first time I made my own dog cookies, but after reading about some of the toxins that go into certain dog treats like Beggin' Strips, etc, I thought if I made my own, at least I would know exactly what was in them - and none of those ingredients would be things I can't pronounce that are meant to "preserve" the treat.
Crap, I'm rambling about my dogs lol - anyway .... I love Sheldon too - I never watched BBT until last season and once I watched it I was hooked and had to get the first 3 seasons on DVD so I could play catch-up lol so it was a nice evening. :)
Your baby must love an egg every morning for breakfast! :)
I have 3 dogs plus 1 foster dog who has been with me since September 2010 - he is a little disabled and more like a cat than a dog (comes to you when he damn well pleases, doesn't like to cuddle or go for walks, etc), so even though he is small and cute, he has been hard to adopt out; but I promised he could stay with me until we find him a home, so here's where he stays :)
The dog cookies are kind of like human cookies, but not with any of the good stuff we humans like to eat, like chocolate, sugar, etc. The batch that was mostly peanut butter also had: whole wheat flour, oats, milk, baking powder, ground flax seed, dried blueberries, and dried apples; and it yielded about 8 cookies per dog. The other batch that was mostly canned pure pumpkin also had: whole wheat flour, eggs, peanut butter, cinnamon, oats, ground flax seed, and dried apples; and it yielded about 11 cookies per dog.
It was kind of fun - a little time consuming because this is the first time I made my own dog cookies, but after reading about some of the toxins that go into certain dog treats like Beggin' Strips, etc, I thought if I made my own, at least I would know exactly what was in them - and none of those ingredients would be things I can't pronounce that are meant to "preserve" the treat.
Crap, I'm rambling about my dogs lol - anyway .... I love Sheldon too - I never watched BBT until last season and once I watched it I was hooked and had to get the first 3 seasons on DVD so I could play catch-up lol so it was a nice evening. :)
She does, she loves the egg :)
I have never given my pup beggin strips i do however get her the bone marrow bones she loves them.
I'll have to try the cookie thing she would probably love those ive seen recipes for them.
Thats awesome that your fostering a pup.
Im glad to hear you had a nice evening did you watch the episode about sheldon and the bird lmao omg i laughed so hard ?
Parker
01-01-2012, 07:36 PM
Yes, I saw that episode - it made me laugh so hard, I almost pee'd! :seconddoh:
lol, anyway, here's the article I read about toxins in certain dog treats in case you are concerned about the ones you give your pup :)
Where’s the Beef? Why your dog should never eat another Milk-Bone or Beggin Strip, and you should avoid the Slim Jims. (http://goodnessgracioustreats.wordpress.com/2010/06/12/where%E2%80%99s-the-beef/)
Yes, I saw that episode - it made me laugh so hard, I almost pee'd! :seconddoh:
lol, anyway, here's the article I read about toxins in certain dog treats in case you are concerned about the ones you give your pup :)
Where’s the Beef? Why your dog should never eat another Milk-Bone or Beggin Strip, and you should avoid the Slim Jims. (http://goodnessgracioustreats.wordpress.com/2010/06/12/where%E2%80%99s-the-beef/)
i do not give her milk bone brand, beggin strips or slim jims....i figure if im going to give her bacon then she gets fresh cooked bacon..I will read the article today thanks for sharing it.
I have today off work im lucky lol i get 3 of these three day weekends a year and wow 2 of them are back to back....
I can hardly believe its already 2012 not sure really what to think about all that, I wonder sometimes if it is because i am growing older i wish time would slow down a bit.
My pup is 6 now i got her at a precious 3 weeks old and i nursed her to health and kept her alive and she is just a precious little thing, my eldest granddaughter will be 6 in july goodness i think how is all this possible...seems yesterday i was just a toddler, a little kid, a teenager a new mom and now it all just amazes me.
I have a headache with this flue i have had it 4 days now...
My little grandpup dodger is adorable, he has managed to collect all of bears toys out of her toy basket and bring them all to the loveseat which since i purchased it has been bears couch, bear has stayed rather close to me these last couple of days as she does when i get a nasty cold or flu bug. this little pup is my world.
I think i am going to shower, put on some music and perhaps do some cleaning, it is after all the third day to my three day weekend and the first 2 have been spent primarily sleeping off and on and watching movies. How is it two little dogs can make just as big a mess as my kids did when they were little...shakes my head. they are just adorable.
I keep thinking about how i ended up here where i am at today and how do i make the necessary changes that i want to see in me, and i think it starts every morning with blessing the new day and i think that making more positive decisions will lead to the place i would like to be. My quest to learn to trust again has been a difficult one and i think for now i need to let that quest go and just allow time to heal and allow the time i need however long that will be to trust...I will typically trust people until i am given a reason not to, sometimes i think most of those reasons come from past experiences of being used and manipulated and im not without fault for that because i allowed those things in my life im responsible for them too...It is not easy to take stuff and turn it into something positive...however im trying.
Every now and then i pick up a book that was given to my dad some years before he passed and the very back page is says "dear god, im doing the best i can" love frank...I love that every now and then i say the same little prayer.
Today, i am doing the best i can. :)
Ah i spent some time cleaning my home this morning and i feel all the better looking at it clean, it is nice listening to music and cleaning.
As i put the toys away into the basket little dodger was pulling them out and taking them back to the couch made me chuckle...
When i was dusting, i saw little fingerprints left over from the girls, i will sometimes leave them just to look at them because they are sweet little fingerprints and they wont stay that little forever. i dont worry about the fingerprints i often wipe away in fact they make me smile, they remind me that life is. and that is enough for me today. For now i am enjoying looking at the pups nap on their couch and me relaxing a little because the cleaning certainly has wiped me out.
the laundry is cleaned, ironed and put away,
my little apartment cleaned and shiny
lunches are made and the coffee ground too
My nails are freshly painted the color of jade
my place is dark with the exception of a few candles lighting my way
my waterfall and music fill my ears with gentle sounds
my pup lay peaceful next to me
and what a nice evening this has turned out to be.
I often wonder about other people and routines, i seem to be so set in mine I've not taken a real vacation in 4 years, i really need one.
As i ironed my clothes i stood there thinking and wondering how many others do this very thing to get ready for the work week. or just in general, as i put my clothes away assessing what i have and thinking i have not cleaned out my closet in 4 years and although i am a minimalist when it comes to clothing and i have this issue about color organizing since i was a kid...i wonder sometimes if im sort of freak or is it i really am just a geek.
As i sit here and think...i am going to start playing pool again, ive not played in awhile, Im going to try at least 1-2 new somethings every month, break myself of being in a sedentary routine.
Honey
01-03-2012, 02:21 AM
Gaea....Come to Maine !! I can't say you'll get back home...unscathed, however.....Hey Friend !
Gaea....Come to Maine !! I can't say you'll get back home...unscathed, however.....Hey Friend !
Im going to go to louisville,ky and see my Auntie who is quite ill. Thats my plan anyway hopefully Ill make it to see her.
Honey
01-03-2012, 07:02 AM
Aawe.....what a nice girl ! Peace and wellness for auntie !
Parker
01-03-2012, 07:39 AM
Im going to go to louisville,ky and see my Auntie who is quite ill. Thats my plan anyway hopefully Ill make it to see her.
Or you could take a longer trip and do both! ;)
Here's hoping your aunt's health takes a turn for the better - and that you get to visit her w/o an illness hanging over your time together. :)
Or you could take a longer trip and do both! ;)
Here's hoping your aunt's health takes a turn for the better - and that you get to visit her w/o an illness hanging over your time together. :)
she wont get any better she has huntingtons chorea.never been to Main, i understand its quite beautiful up there.
Parker
01-03-2012, 08:03 AM
she wont get any better she has huntingtons chorea.
Well, damn, I'm very sorry about your aunt - I hope you get to see her soon.
never been to Main, i understand its quite beautiful up there.
Only places on the east coast that I have been are NY, NJ, and FL. Of course, ever since "Newhart", I've always wanted to visit New England. lol
Well, damn, I'm very sorry about your aunt - I hope you get to see her soon.
Only places on the east coast that I have been are NY, NJ, and FL. Of course, ever since "Newhart", I've always wanted to visit New England. lol
she has been sick for awhile.
She has also been a huge influence on my life.
Ive been as far as pa. I would love to see the east coast.
NE Patriots rock! i would love to see New England too.
oh wait we werent talking football were we lol
I got up this morning showered and went into work...only to see 2 of my coworkers were out sick i too am sick and thought theres not chance they are sending me home end of month stuff needs done etc...
They did...they let me run the necessary reports then sent me home. woo hoo its 53 degrees right now and im sweating bullets...so not like me i am bundled at 78 no joke. im certain i have a fever and thats why this headache wont go away.
i stopped at a rite aid in a part of town i would not typically stop in and picked up some nyquil and scored some mexican layered dip pringles..yum.
Evan All Mighty is playing and i have my pillow, i think i over did it yesterday.
My terrible thoughts i know they dont like for me to come into work sick...however if i had called off they wouldnt have paid me for yesterday and being sent home means i get 4 hours plus yesterday..i know terrible however you do what you gotta do sometimes. I am glad tho for having gone in cause my jer bear is sick and it was her reports that i needed to be there to run, i am grateful too they saw that i really shouldnt have been there even though i went in.
What a great inspirational movie
One i can appreciate everything was in pairs lol, i do things in pairs so i most appreciated seeing all the animals
i liked the message in the movie.
How do you change the world?
A.R.K
One Act of Random Kindness at a time.
I love random acts of kindness i love doing them they feed my soul. I love hearing about them seeing them participating in them.
kindness can go a very long way.
Ill put on another movie and if im lucky i will catch a nap
Parker
01-03-2012, 03:28 PM
she has been sick for awhile.
She has also been a huge influence on my life.
Ive been as far as pa. I would love to see the east coast.
NE Patriots rock! i would love to see New England too.
oh wait we werent talking football were we lol
It's cool lol everyone has their reasons for wanting to visit certain places - yours happens to be football. :)
It's cool lol everyone has their reasons for wanting to visit certain places - yours happens to be football. :)
So we have a comedian in the house lol
Yes I like the Pats and I liked them long before tom brady was on the team the dude is just given a bad rap, he cant help that he is good
Um no i would just love to travel and visit and take tons of pics of the entire eastern seaboard that would be a great summer vacation for me and even a fall one because i hear the fall is gorgeous there.
Its gorgeous here as well im not saying it isn't.
Parker
01-03-2012, 05:39 PM
So we have a comedian in the house lol
Yes I like the Pats and I liked them long before tom brady was on the team the dude is just given a bad rap, he cant help that he is good
Yeah .... I realize I'm butch and I should know these things, but I have no idea wtf you just said! ;)
Um no i would just love to travel and visit and take tons of pics of the entire eastern seaboard that would be a great summer vacation for me and even a fall one because i hear the fall is gorgeous there.
Its gorgeous here as well im not saying it isn't.
Yeah - I want to win the lottery so I can jump over the pond and see places like England, Scotland, Norway, and especially Ireland.
I'd also like to visit NYC again because I didn't get to see anything on Broadway when I went there before; and who wouldn't like to have unlimited disposable income to blow in Vegas? lol
You're in Sac right? I've been near there (Fresno) and it's nice ... until it's the middle of the summer and you could fry eggs on the sidewalk. :|
Yeah .... I realize I'm butch and I should know these things, but I have no idea wtf you just said! ;)
New England Patriots Tom Brady??? really ok well i dont know who the other qb's are on the other teams just this one lol
Yeah - I want to win the lottery so I can jump over the pond and see places like England, Scotland, Norway, and especially Ireland.
I'd also like to visit NYC again because I didn't get to see anything on Broadway when I went there before; and who wouldn't like to have unlimited disposable income to blow in Vegas? lol
You're in Sac right? I've been near there (Fresno) and it's nice ... until it's the middle of the summer and you could fry eggs on the sidewalk. :|
i am in sac yes and it doesnt get as hot here as it does fresno, i lived in fresno as a youngster and yes it gets awful warm there.
I would like to hop the pond too and see the Mediterranean and all of Europe. I would like to visit vegas too never been there however my son lives there so i have a place to stay when i can visit.
Parker
01-03-2012, 07:03 PM
I would like to hop the pond too and see the Mediterranean and all of Europe.
Holy cripes, I forgot about Greece - I would love to spend some time there! :)
Come on, Mega Millions!
Holy cripes, I forgot about Greece - I would love to spend some time there! :)
Come on, Mega Millions!
You tell them darn it lol
If i ever won the lotto so many people i know would be helped and then i would take a lengthy cruise around the world with side trips etc. The vineyards in Italy alone would be worth spending a few days at.
Parker
01-03-2012, 07:23 PM
I know - can you imagine touring vineyards, etc there? Wow ....
And yes, I'm sure between friends, family, and charities, I'd probably give at least half away!
I know - can you imagine touring vineyards, etc there? Wow ....
And yes, I'm sure between friends, family, and charities, I'd probably give at least half away!
i dont think i would give half away i would invest it in the people i love and care about. so they would be cared for. My grnadbabies would have college funds etc. My kids would be set for their own businesses stuff like that
Oh i forgot me, i would retire and travel
Parker
01-03-2012, 07:46 PM
Eh - I don't need much, once I've got the home, truck, and bike I want .. I just don't want friends and family to have to worry about money ;)
Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
This is good for me today.
I posted the above in my fb via a friend and it is good for me today, yesterday and tomorrow it is a reminder that I am capable of forgiving and even though I am often times guarded i still am capable of forgiving, not just the people that have hurt me but also myself.
And this is where i get to begin in my life im not always quick to forgive if something has hurt me i recognize this within myself it takes a minute for me to come back around and look at a situation with my head instead of my heart and when i can wrap my head around something i will forgive whatever it was that broke my heart. i am not always interested in revisiting situations however often times i do it just depends on the situation at hand.
I keep hearing my dad say "let it go" those are such powerful words to me, ones i grew up on.
The funny thing is one can equate letting go to letting people go etc and for me personally i do not believe people are disposable so i have a hard time with letting people go even the ones that have hurt me in some way or another...i will no doubt find my balance in this.
i know that what i deal with is triggers, when something happens that reminds me of another situation im not always equipped to deal with it on the spot it usually takes me a minute. thus im human thus i am ok.
I just watched blue crush i have not seen that in awhile and i don't know that i got the same message today as in the first time i watched it.
Courage, the courage it took that girl to get back in the water and ride that pipe, the courage it takes to get back in the water of Life and living and addressing and overcoming fears that are ever present.
Courage to just be who you are and finding happiness in that.
I have way too much time to think when im not well.
this movie was very moving for me. I had hoped to nap however no nap happened.
My thoughts for the day....
I was glad to be back at work even though it was odd to go back to work on a thursday in a short week at that the day rather flew by.
I think i came to the conclusion today that Im just plain tired of trying to better me for 'other' people I think i am a really good person, i raised my kids i was 15 when i became a momma and i raised my kids with manners and to be good people and they are all people im proud to know and have in my life.
I have gone out of my way to be more like this or like that because people in my life made me feel "bad" about me...
I think i have come to the conclusion that i am ok and that's really all that matters.
Yes i have alot to learn in life.
Yes i can be a bit bratty / bitchy/ etc.
I am a gemini i will strive for perfection however accept the fact that i am not however i will strive for it anyway because that's part of who i am and that's part of what make me a unique individual.
i am a woman a femme a mother and most of all I AM ME.
I had a busy day at work today and yet while working was able to resolve in my own mind some of these things that have been bothering me for several days.
I had a peaceful nights sleep and i wake to friday morning and im thinking about my camera and how i would like to go out and shoot some pictures and im thinking about my granddaughter and the camera she got for christmas from her great auntie. Im thinking i would like to take her out so she could use her own camera she would like that. even though she is 5 i have allowed her to use my camera since age 3 she is very familiar with it already and i dont worry about her handling it.
Im thinking i would like to take her out spend the day at a park and take pictures, im thinking pictures through the eyes of a five year old would be delightful.
Ill have to call her mom see if she is busy this weekend.
I did a something different today
I let go of something my sister said to me a year ago and i reached out to her to see how her and our mother are doing. I then encouraged her to keep strong and let her know that i believe in her and that im aware of how tough things can be.
I let her know that i love her
I talked with her and encouraged her to tap into her local resources to get help for our mother medical for the post polio she has. I have missed my sister and i let her know that too. If she has someone to share things with perhaps it will be good for her.
the something i did that was different was in telling my sister that i loved her instead of telling her how the things she said to me last year tore me up...instead I just told her i love her.
feels pretty damn good.
I missed posting yesterday ah all is well.
I am getting my haircut today woo hoo im super excited about that.
I cleaned my house yesterday and there's dog toys everywhere this morning oh my my...sometimes i cannot keep up with her.
it has been a glorious sunny weekend here I'm loving it.
Well i got brave and i went shorter than i have gone in over 20 years, shorter even than last years haircut. feels kind of weird however i like it. I feel a lot lighter.
Im a happy girl :)
I am really looking forward to shooting pool tomorrow night. I have not played in quite some time it will be good for me to get out even though its a monday night I used ot play every monday i stopped when i had my tonsils out i made it maybe twice after thats been 5 months now its time for me to get back out there and play.
It will do me some goo dot get some practice in and clean up the table a few times.
Im really excited about my hair cut as well :)
It has been a blessed relaxed weekend.
I hope my little granddaughter has a free weekend soon to go play with her camera.
I went and played pool last night, it was nice to get out ans see my freind we played 7 games i broke 7 racks, at the end of the night it was 6 games to 1 my favor, she made a few comments like "you still got it kid" and are you sure you haven't played in 5 months...She won the last game, i know throughout the games i would think i should just let her win and then i would think im not here to let her win im here to play my game and then i would argue with myself to let her win. The last game i made a ftal error and that was missing the 5 ball all together giving her ball in hand it set her up for a perfect 5-9 combo and set her up for the win. not a bad thing at all. We caught up with each other as well i have missed my friend as she has been out gallivanting all over she is one that i look up to in life and she isnt afraid to play pool with me.
It was a good night.
January is always a slow month then the beginning of February people flood the place to buy their loved ones that something special for Valentines day or right after a bunch of couples come in to pick out their rings because they get engaged on valentines day. I never really understood the getting engaged on Valentines day part, i realize its all about love and stuff however doesn't love last all year long? Im not coming down on that day by any means. I just have never really understood why love is only celebrated one day a year it seems to me that it should be celebrated all year long.
When my kids were small i would do little things for them all year long and their birthdays all ways were something special to be celebrated.
sometimes i have the empty nest syndrome and sometimes all the kids will invade at once and i will be glad to go back to my peace and quiet when they go home to their own places.
In my younger days you picked up the phone to get in touch with your parents, now the kids text or send messages via facebook. I email my kids to see how they are doing because NONE of them ever answer their phones...they will however answer a text, i do not get it lol.
I got brave and wore my new haircut curly today, it seems to have gone over well. i'm liking it the more and more i look at it. for more than 20 years i wore long hair, i'm not saying i will keep it short like it is now however i do like it.
so here it is a pic of the new cut.
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d170/hstigen/392756_2728688891122_1074205960_32819474_132720258 3_n-1.jpg
Assumption:
Definition of ASSUMPTION
1a : the taking up of a person into heaven b capitalized : August 15 observed in commemoration of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary
2: a taking to or upon oneself <the assumption of a new position>
3: the act of laying claim to or taking possession of something <the assumption of power>
4: arrogance, pretension
5a : an assuming that something is true b : a fact or statement (as a proposition, axiom, postulate, or notion) taken for granted
6: the taking over of another's debt
Now that im looking at the above definitions im thinking i should have said the work ASS U ME because that is eventually what it is at the end of the day.
I have been dealing with this seems quite a bit lately and i just kind of wanted to throw it out there
I do not believe anyone has the right to assume anything about another person and yet we all fall into doing just that..follow me I have a story and maybe sharing my story will be good for me because it is about "assuming" something and feelings specifically mine were hurt. This 15 year old story has been swimming in my head the last few days and i think this is a safe place to speak on it.
When my kids were smaller some 15 years ago we were loving in a place that did not have a washer and dryer, I worked full time and on the weekends my kids played football and cheer my life was busy and hectic, many Sundays I would leave my partner at home with the kids and I would gather the laundry and take it to the laundry may, this was a place I could do what I did best it seemed..wash dry and fold clothes for a family of 5.
I met a man at the laundry he was homeless and one day we started talking friendly conversation he had been in WWII and often times told me I looked like a woman he had fallen for, we had many lunches together I always bought him a sandwich and something to drink, I enjoyed our visits as did he I believe.
One day the partner wanted to come and bring the kids too, I proceeded to get us all sandwiches including the homeless man because he was there, my ex proceeded to yell at me publicly for getting the homeless man a sandwich, for doing what I had done for months. this man and I had somehow become friends and here I was being shamed publicly for befriending someone...my ex assumed nasty horrible things about someone she didn't even know or take the time to get to know.
I never saw him again
I try not to assume anything I work at that...perhaps that's why I get so upset when there's assumption involved where it's work or my personal life.
goodness i posted the above story from my phone...Living not "loving" and laundry mat not laundry may...oh my.
I never really saw friday the 13th as something that is a bad day, i never really bought into superstitions either. I think luck sometimes happens weather its good luck or bad, i think sometimes we make our own luck again whether it is good or bad.
13 silly superstitions...why not have a little fun with this. We will have 3 friday the 13ths in the year 2012. Fascinating if your a believer, i personally like the silliness to it all.
Here, then, are 13 of the most common superstitions.
13. Beginner's luck
Usually grumbled by an expert who just lost a game to a novice, "beginner's luck" is the idea that newbies are unusually likely to win when they try out a sport, game or activity for the first time.
Beginners might come out ahead in some cases because the novice is less stressed out about winning. Too much anxiety, after all, can hamper performance. Or it could just be a statistical fluke, especially in chance-based gambling games.
Or, like many superstitions, a belief in beginner's luck might arise because of confirmation bias. Confirmation bias is a psychological phenomenon in which people are more likely to remember events that fit their worldview. If you believe you're going to win because you're a beginner, you're more likely to remember all the times you were right — and forget the times you ended up in last place.
12. Find a penny, pick it up …
And all day long, you'll have good luck. This little ditty may arise because finding money is lucky in and of itself. But it might also be a spin-off of another old rhyme, "See a pin, pick it up/ and all day long you'll have good luck/ See a pin, let it lay/ and your luck will pass away."
11. Don't walk under that ladder!
Frankly, this superstition is pretty practical. Who wants to be responsible for stumbling and knocking a carpenter off his perch? But one theory holds that this superstition arises from a Christian belief in the Holy Trinity: Since a ladder leaning against a wall forms a triangle, "breaking" that triangle was blasphemous.
Then again, another popular theory is that a fear of walking under a ladder has to do with its resemblance to a medieval gallows. We're sticking with the safety-first explanation for this one.
10. Black cats crossing your path
As companion animals for humans for thousands of years, cats play all sorts of mythological roles. In ancient Egypt, cats were revered; today, Americans collectively keep more than 81 million cats as pets.
So why keep a black cat out of your path? Most likely, this superstition arises from old beliefs in witches and their animal familiars, which were often said to take the form of domestic animals like cats.
9. A rabbit's foot will bring you luck
Talismans and amulets are a time-honored way of fending off evil; consider the crosses and garlic that are supposed to keep vampires at bay. Rabbit feet as talismans may hark back to early Celtic tribes in Britain. They may also arise from hoodoo, a form of African-American folk magic and superstition that blends Native American, European and African tradition. [Rumor or Reality: The Creatures of Cryptozoology]
8. Bad luck comes in threes
Remember confirmation bias? The belief that bad luck comes in threes is a classic example. A couple things go wrong, and believers may start to look for the next bit of bad luck. A lost shoe might be forgotten one day, but seen as the third in a series of bad breaks the next.
7. Careful with that mirror
According to folklore, breaking a mirror is a surefire way to doom yourself to seven years of bad luck. The superstition seems to arise from the belief that mirrors don't just reflect your image; they hold bits of your soul. That belief led people in the old days of the American South to cover mirrors in a house when someone died, lest their soul be trapped inside.
Like the number three, the number seven is often associated with luck. Seven years is a long time to be unlucky, which may be why people have come up with counter-measures to free themselves after breaking a mirror. These include touching a piece of the broken mirror to a tombstone or grinding the mirror shards into powder.
6. 66
Three sixes in a row give some people the chills. It's a superstition that harks back to the Bible. In the Book of Revelation, 666 is given as the number of the "beast," and is often interpreted as the mark of Satan and a sign of the end times.
According to State University of New York at Buffalo anthropologist Philips Stevens, the writer of Revelation was writing to persecuted Christians in code, so the numbers and names in the book are contemporary references. Three sixes in a row is probably the numeric equivalent of the Hebrew letters for the first-century Roman Emperor Nero. [End of the World? Top Doomsday Fears]
5. Knock on wood
This phrase is almost like a verbal talisman, designed to ward off bad luck after tempting fate: "Breaking that mirror didn't bring me any trouble, knock on wood."
The fixation on wood may come from old myths about good spirits in trees or from an association with the Christian cross. Similar phrases abound in multiple languages, suggesting that the desire not to upset a spiteful universe is very common.
4. Make a wish on a wishbone
The tradition of turkey bone tug-of-war goes back a long way. Legend has it that first-century Romans used to fight over dried wishbones — which they believed were good luck — and would accidentally break them, ushering in the idea that whoever has the largest bit of bone gets their wish. Bird bones have also been used in divination throughout history, with a supposed soothsayer throwing the bones and reading their patterns to predict the future.
3. Cross your fingers
Those wishing for luck will often cross one finger over another, a gesture that's said to date back to early Christianity. The story goes that two people used to cross index fingers when making a wish, a symbol of support from a friend to the person making the wish. (Anything associated with the shape of the Christian cross was thought to be good luck.) The tradition gradually became something people could do on their own; these days, just saying "fingers crossed" is enough to get the message, well, across.
2. No umbrellas inside
… And not just because you'll poke someone's eye out. Opening an umbrella indoors is supposed to bring bad luck, though the origins of this belief are murky. Legends abound, from a story of an ancient Roman woman who happened to have opened her umbrella moments before her house collapsed, to the tale of a British prince who accepted two umbrellas from a visiting king and died within months. Like the "don't walk under a ladder" superstition, this seems to be a case of a myth arising to keep people from doing something that is slightly dangerous in the first place.
1. Friday the 13th
If you're not scared of Friday the 13th, you should be scared of the word used to describe those who are: friggatriskaidekaphobics. (An alternative, though just as tongue-twisty, word for the fear is "paraskevidekatriaphobia.")
For a superstition, the fear of Friday the 13th seems fairly new, dating back to the late 1800s. Friday has long been considered an unlucky day (according to Christian tradition, Jesus died on a Friday), and 13 has a long history as an unlucky number.
According to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in North Carolina, about 17 million people fear Friday the 13th. Many may fall prey to the human mind's desire to associate thoughts and symbols with events.
"If anything bad happens to you on Friday the 13th, the two will be forever associated in your mind," said Thomas Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell University. "All those uneventful days in which the 13th fell on a Friday will be ignored."
above is courtesy
http://www.livescience.com/14141-13-common-silly-superstitions.html
I think im suppse to add the link if i find something of interest and choose to post it.
I never cared for any of the horror movies around friday the 13th..so i wont be enjoying anything frightening tonight.
I believe we create our own luck in life, i believe we can do whatever we want to if we put our mind to it, I believe by the same that if we do not want to do something we wont. Humans are so simple and complicated at the same time.
New England Vs Denver
tim tebow and team is going down down down....Go Tom Brady and team!
Im so excited about watching todays game, I have followed New England for 25 years, My son is a huge denver fan for his whole life lmao
I hardly ever get to see New England play im super excited to watch this game!
My son played football my girls cheered I always taught my son that he had a team behind him and he needed to support that that just because he was quarterback didn't mean he could win a game alone. My girls were taught the same that they were part of a team. I have issues with how the media is pitching tim against tom as if they are the only two going to be playing...they are both part of really good teams.
I just want New England to prevail and go all the way to the superbowl this year...
goodness sakes im excited
Ah this game was exciting especially because i might actually to get to see the Pats play a couple more games this year...Living on the west coast i do not hardly get to see them play because they show west coast teams and i do not have the fancy football cable packages none the less what a nice win....
I hope they win again next week !
I like this so i thought i would share it.
The Ten Rules For Being Human.
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, ‘life’.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The ‘failed’ experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately ‘work’.
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. ‘There’ is no better a place than ‘here’. When your ‘there’ has become a ‘here’, you will simply obtain another ‘there’ that will again look better than ‘here’.
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
-Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott, If Life is A Game, These Are The Rules
It saddens me, my heart breaks for you
It saddens me that i have taught you
what i have known
it saddens me that like me
you want to trust someone so bad
you give them the benefit of the doubt
they break your heart time and time again
and you forget the one you need to trust
is you.
I guess i forgot to teach
you that the someone
worth knowing and loving
is you
I guess my own mother forgot to teach me
Im learning it
I hope you do to
I hope you learn quicker than I have.
Your one of the most amazing people
i know
and i call you daughter.
ugh...
One of the hardest lessons to learn is learning to listen as this one kicked me smooth in the arse today..learning to listen instead of just doing what "I" want to do...Listening to my instincts, listening to my kids, listening to the ones that care about me, listening to the universe.
I get it, I need to listen better.
Im stubborn I might struggle with this however my eyes are opened and im darn sure going to give this my best attention.
oh the morning i had...losing my kids pup and then finding him, upset shaking and terrified...smh..all before the work day.
I want to say today that I love it at work when someone says the system makes mistakes now mind you yes all systems make mistakes however why does no one account for human error any more and why when a human makes a mistake the first thing they do is blame a system?
Give me something to research and im going to find some sort of human error its what i do im quite good at it.
Lose my inventory and blame the system and im going to discover the human error.
Im quite good at what i do for a living with inventory and systems, i know many systems and can pick up on software quite easily i do not struggle to learn new software within days i will teach myself all there is to get me going with something new.
Maybe it is just the people i work with I don't get them when a mistake happens as they will everyone throws their hands up and says "It wasn't me" and then they point fingers and when they point a finger at the system it blows my mind because there is humans doing the entry work...thus human error.
No computer system is smarter than the human using or running it. A system runs on commands so if the system is fed a bad command it is a human error....
I love research and math and inventory and im damn good at managing inventory and the systems at my place of employment, I do not pat myself on the back often enough.
The Shoes
The year is 1980, my mother had decided to get on a plane to go home to Illinois she was tired of being a mother she was tired of having children this was something us girls had grown accustomed to.
My dad took on the responsibility of us girls even though only one of us was his biological daughter in his eyes we were all his daughters there was no question he would care for us, and he did.
School was about to begin and we all needed new shoes, my dad did not have a car at the time so we walked to a shoe store in Fresno where we lived at the time, I have no idea how far we had to walk.
At the first shoe store we stopped at, my sisters all tried on shoes and picked out a pair, I could not find a pair that fit my feet, we went to another store and then another and then another all with the same results as not being able to find a pair of shoes to fit my feet, you see my feet weren’t too big or too small, they were incredibly wide so the little narrow girl shoes did not fit. We had walked all over the Fresno area or at least that is how it seemed to me. We stopped at a KFC for water and the fella behind the counter said it would cost money, my dad was so frustrated by this he started yelling and cussing at the fella that water should be free. I remember feeling like getting me a pair of shoes was only upsetting my dad, I walked up to him and tugged on his sleeve and told him “dad, its ok I don’t need any water”. On that the fella behind the counter gave us all some water without charging my dad.
At the very next shoe store we went to my dad talked to the salesman explaining how we had been to many different shoe stores and that no shoes were fitting my feet, the salesman talked to my dad about maybe getting me some boy shoes, I remember the salesman coming up to me and taking me into the boys department and finding a pair of white tennis shoes that fit me. I was so happy that I had school shoes. We had been to many places however at the end of the day my dad had done what he had set out to do and that was get all four of his daughters a pair of shoes.
Fast forward to Fathers Day 1999 (I believe, I don’t remember the exact year here)
I was excited that year to celebrate Fathers day with my dad, I had planned a brunch at El Toritos and a little shopping trip just for my dad that he was unaware of. My kids were spending that day with their dad so they were not with me that day.
I picked my dad up and we went to El Toritos for brunch, my dad was excited about this makes me smile remembering him on that day, anyway we were eating breakfast and I told him we were going to take him shopping and of course he said he didn’t need anything however I knew better and wanted to take him shopping anyway. So after brunch we went to Ross.
Im not a shopper, however my dad was happy to be getting a few things he needed such as some new shorts, socks and what nots. We stopped in the mens shoe department and my dad found a really nice pair of leather dress shoes for men, he tried them on and smiled at how they felt so I asked him dad do you want these and he said yes, I knew he had a suit he could wear them with. I knew that when he wore them he would feel proud. So we put the shoes in the cart continued on with shopping and then he said he wwas done, we headed to the check out and as my dad was looking in the cart he saw the price tag for the shoes, he said to me “you cant buy these for me” I was already aware of how much they were and I said yes dad I can and yes dad im going to. I could see the tear in my dad’s eyes , my heart tugged I asked him dad what’s wrong? He said no one had ever spent a hundred dollars on a pair of shoes for him. I felt like the world’s largest jerk that day. It had been nothing for me to spend that kind of money on shoes for my kids and kids with growing feet that could get awfully expensive throughout the years. I barely could whisper I love you dad, happy father’s day. He was an excited “kid” for a while, I am still a proud daughter.
Fast Forward 2003/2004
My son was a freshman in high school he came home from school one day without any shoes on his feet, I immediately assumed the worst however he didn’t look as if he had been beat up and we had never seemed to have those kinds of issues in our area. As calmly as I could I asked him, “wheres your shoes?” his response was “oh yea about those” and as I looked at him he proceeded to tell me that he had run into a homeless fella on the street on the way home and they had sat down for a bit and had a conversation and that he looked at the mans feet and decided the man needed a pair of shoes after all he thought to himself it was probably painful to be walking around barefoot.
I put my son in the car and took him and bought him two pair of shoes, just in case he gave another pair away.
I am a proud daughter, I am a proud Mother, I am a proud woman.
Parker
01-19-2012, 06:59 PM
Those were incredibly touching stories, Gaea. :)
6 years and 1 week ago i got my little pup, she was given to me by the little girl who lived downstairs from me, she had no idea i would later that day be buying this puppy from her folks....She was presented to me in this little pink blanket she was so cute and sweet and she looked terribly unhealthy. I took her in my arms that day went downstairs and immediately assessed this pup's surroundings and without letting her go i offered the day a hundred dollars to take her off their hands....of course he was glad to take it.
i put her on my lap and drove her to the vet they aged her at 3 weeks, i purchased a bottle and formula and formulated infant puppy food. I nursed her back to health as i was waiting shoulder surgery so i was home with her. We bonded she would curl up in my neck and give me little puppy hickey's as we slept cause she was looking for milk.
this little girl who weighs only 5 pounds has been my constant companion for the last six years, she has grown up with my granddaughter who will be 6 in july. she has taken trips with me, kissed away my tears and sleeps next to me every night.
her favorite play time is when im showering....her favorite meal these days is breakfast because she is now getting an egg every morning. I am blessed to have this little girl in my life, yesterday today and tomorrow.
Her name is Bear because well i like bears and she looked like a little bear cub at 3 weeks old.
Happy Birthday Bear, your mommy loves you.
Parker
01-20-2012, 10:54 AM
They are so precious, aren't they?
My puppy was 2 last month, big boy is 10 this month, and my girl is 15 next month. They've been with me since they were pups. :)
Happy Birthday to your little Bear :)
:birthday2:
you swim in the water
that caresses my cheeks
you dance in the muscle
I call my heart
you pick and pull
sometimes I welcome you
sometimes I push you aside
sometimes I give in to you
sometimes I don't
you give and you take
and I call you
emotion
on the other side
I feel your pain
you make me aware
by your constant stares
on the other side
I feel your knife
as it pierces my skin
on the other side
your words of gossip
trying to tear me up
on the other side
the grass is green
I call you
jealousy
Happy Birthday Mom,
I have spent all week long searching my head for a story a wonderful story that i would feel good about sharing. I kept running into things crappy things that "happened' and those memories often derailed me from my search to find a story that i would be proud of.
As i stood in my kitchen ironing my clothes for the work week, it dawned on me
Thank you mom for being born, thank you for allowing me to share your body with you for the 7 1/2 months you carried me. Thank you for my life.
Happy Birthday to a woman who with all the rotten circumstances of the worlds fast changing ways and ideas did her best to keep up, for bringing 4 daughters into the world, for trying even when you had no one to teach you, you still tried. To you mom, this day is all yours even if you do not know who i am anymore.
Happy Birthday to a woman that suffered and continues to suffer polio and the afflictions it causes, to you mom who allowed me to teach you to ride a bike because i wanted to ride bikes with my "mom" as i saw other kids do, thank you for allowing me to do that. This is one of my fondest memories. Teaching you to ride a bike because i was adamant that anyone could as long as they tried. I had so much fun that day, laughing and seeing you ride a bike brought so much pride along with a smile in my heart and soul. Seeing you ride that bike in my head as i sit here and type this brings much warmth to me.
Happy Birthday to you mom, despite the fact that you no longer know who i am ,I am still the daughter that loves you and always wanted to protect you beyond my own life.
Without you mom, i would not be here.
For you Mom, Happy Birthday, I love and miss you.
Feather
(the nickname she gave me at birth)
luv2luvgirls
01-21-2012, 12:40 PM
that touched me deeply thank you for sharing this G
Happy Birthday Gaea's Mom!!
I woke up before dawn long before....i got my place clean and im prepared for the game....woo hoo Go Patriots....
sheesh i hardly ever get to see them play and this year i have lucked out and gotten to see them more than once...
they better do me proud today so i can see them go to the SB...
Excited is just not the word...im beyond that.
We are going to the Superbowl and this girl gets to wear her jersey to work tomorrow and to play pool.
Now I promised the 3 year old granddaughter i would root for the 49ers...and so I will (she doesn't know I can't stand the 49ers).
I want to grow a garden a veggie garden.
I want to plant the seeds and water them and watch stuff grow
I want to make myself pay attention to my garden
I have applied these same things to my life. I have planted the seeds of living a more positive life and i have begun to see things sprout forward even when my garden feels trampled through.
I have never had a green thumb..plants have never stayed alive in my care and i have rejected house plants as gifts out of fear of killing the poor things...perhaps ill try again..I was good at growing children and animals seems kind of funny to me. I was the mom that had time to cart kids around to different sports games and practices..I was never the mom that could keep a plant alive. And now i desire this a garden that i have created. I will plant a garden on my patio this spring...I am looking forward to that.
There are things im just no good at, things that honestly i quite suck at, then there are the things im really good at and there is some balance in that for me.
Im going to trust that my garden will grow because i will pay attention to it and nurture it along the way...goodness im excited about this, i will probably think about this at work today, I will do some research for lighting and stuff which veggies need what kind of light etc.
I desire to grow a garden....
I also desire to make a quilt for my bed...that will happen this year. sewing is very relaxing for me and making blankets feeds my soul because someone will be warm and now i want my own. I have the design already in my head.
Parker
01-23-2012, 12:14 PM
Having a garden can almost be a sort of meditation. I didn't have one last spring, but the spring before that I had all kinds of stuff in the raised gardens in my back yard - snow peas, zucchini, broccoli, etc. I didn't want to use pesticides so I would go out every morning to water everything and make sure no bugs were accumulating on and eating my future food. lol
It was nice to go out there every morning just as the sun was coming up to tend to it - since it was that early, it was just me, my dogs, and the garden. It was very tranquil and I think you'll like it. :)
thank you CS for the encouragement.
I look forward to doing this.
I was able to print up some getting started guides for a patio garden. I found some really helpful information.
I have dealt in my life with people that create drama and manipulate situations to suit their own sick needs in life.
I lived with a master manipulator for 8 years and the sad part is that person would try again if they were in my life thankfully they are not and I do not have to put up with their antics any longer.
I have met a great deal of people that are kind and are not like the above.
for that i am thankful and grateful to know that kindness does and always will prevail.
I am solid in my life and i need for nothing. I desire to do things like grow a garden etc. however all my needs are met in life because I meet them.
All in all the things in my life that i have endured, accomplished, and learned from have made me one hell of a lady in my opinion.
My strength surely outweigh my weaknesses however i am balanced in this. This also allows for me to see others for the good that they have in them.
I cant pretend to be something im not nor would i do that. I cant be someone im not and i wont even try. I can be a better me though, whatever the process is that gets me there.
Last night i practiced my nine ball game...i love nine ball, my friend and i discussed joining a league there and we are going to do just that. They have Sunday leagues so i can fit that in my schedule comfortably. Playing pool allows me to think, and focus and gives me the opportunity to smack some balls around the table.
I hold myself at a higher standard than maybe i should, i hold others to high standards as well.
I was reading an article today one where Cynthia Nixon proclaimed that being "gay" was a choice....
It was not my choice to be gay i was born this way and i have no problems stating that fact.
I did however make a choice to get married and have a family and such because of the pressures put on me and the way my mother spoke ill of gay people it made coming out somewhat difficult until i was 25 and i blew off the closet doors. It was not easy, i had problems with friends and family who thought something wrong with me. I then spent the next 8 years in a relationship with a butch that kept me out of the community and kept me in the straight community, thus my longing to fit in somewhere. It was a struggle, i found the "dash" site in '96 and had a sense of community, my partner hated it and cut me off quickly. thus shoving me back into a primarily hetero world.
When i became single i got involved i threw myself into my community and volunteered diligently in many areas i thought my service could be utilized including the "pride" organization here, as well as walking door to door for a little over a year during free time talking to people to support the marriage rights for my state. It yielded a "sense" of belonging for me.
I love that some of the states in our nation offer "marriage' rights, it would be nice in my lifetime to see this go federal and across the board.
I would also love to see people like Cynthia Nixon and her beloved Butch partner get more involved in such community activism....maybe im wrong, maybe i just never paid too much attention to her and i wonder why it is that i have not heard much of her or any activism she is involved in. I think its great that her and her partner can run off to NY and be married...Where is her sense of community?
I support marriage rights for my brothers and sisters across the board, i would walk door to door again. I support the equality in us all and im left dumbfounded why some do not.
This also comes at a time when a friend that every now and then pops up in my life has popped up once again, when i met her she was an "out" lesbian and now she has been "married" to a bio man for a year and a half, i wonder if she did this for some sort of security, as in recent correspondences she does not seem too happy in this marriage. I feel bad for her and i guess for her much like Cynthia Nixon this was a choice.
My random thoughts for the day...
I congratulate all my friends who have recently married, are engaged and those on the verge of their nuptials. i am proud that all of them have the rights to marry. I just think some of our "queer" celebrities could yank there heads out of their bums and get involved.
It is my belief that equal marriage rights are important, regardless of my choice to be single, i support this and will continue my efforts in making this a reality in my sate as well as others for my community.
My thoughts for the day.....
Oh my im moving right along at work the flu just keeps going around and im coming down with it for the second time and im frustrated because my boss does not like it when i am sick because no one can nor do they want to do my JOB....
so my boss calls me and asks me some questions about assembled pieces and why i do not change COST...um because we never do it messes up inventory if we do not to mention accounting and the financial statements etc...a ripple affect of issues would happen if we changed cost. This person wants me to change COST...this is bad business all the way around. It further more blows my mind that someone who doesn't even know how to log into the system nor has he ever can sit there and tell me how we have always done things...now my best and only come back is this is what and how i was trained 5 years ago...
I am really good at what i do and it just blows my mind when he does this kind of stuff.
I asked for 2 new tag printers which are a necessity for my stores and i was denied yet he went and bought himself a new truck with company funds...frustrating...guess i wont be getting a raise yet again this year.
just flustered...aaarrggghhh...
ok im done now.
luv2luvgirls
01-27-2012, 05:40 AM
I dont like your boss lol but you know this :cheesy: why didnt he just ask around instead of assuming one person is doing things wrong?
it makes perfect sense to buy a new Jeep instead of actual store improving items.. *rolls eyes*
lol im sure your not done yet.. he will have something new by Monday to complain about :cheesy:
you know you take a sick day and no one can function... speaks volumes :)
I dont like your boss lol but you know this :cheesy: why didnt he just ask around instead of assuming one person is doing things wrong?
it makes perfect sense to buy a new Jeep instead of actual store improving items.. *rolls eyes*
lol im sure your not done yet.. he will have something new by Monday to complain about :cheesy:
you know you take a sick day and no one can function... speaks volumes :)
because there are only three of us that actually know our jobs inside and out the rest all fall back on the action of shrugging their shoulders and saying "i dont know" or "i dont remember" sheesh an item went to my other store without ever being entered into the system and i never laid eyes on it nor did i know it was in our possession and i had to locate it ....frustrating to say the least.....this is how bad business is done.
It is what it is
Shoulda,Coulda Woulda
Cant never could
was gonna never did
Let go and let god
Live and let live
give without expectations of receiving
...
I'm sure i have more...Kind of bored at work and the longer the day drags the worse i feel.
I got to text with my brother while on lunch i haven't seen him in 10 years he and his wife live in illinois...i miss them both bunches, he is talkign about coming out for a visit..I hope they do.
I guess I just miss my friend.
We met 26 years ago both of us pregnant with our first born's hard to believe those two babies are going to be 26 this year.
We were best friends we talked every day, our friendship was like none other. when we were roommates she woke up with my son, i never knew he woke up in the night i slept through his quiet cries, i walked the floor with her second son who had colic i was pregnant with my third at the time. We all bonded close.
I loved my friend unconditionally.
9 years ago her husband tried to kill her they were both using drugs and i rarely saw her or spoke with her...I went to see her on christmas day that day i believe ended our friendship. I was all stuck on what was right and what he did to her was not right thus i testified thus he went to prison for the rest of his natural life.
drugs harm people, relationships, marriages friendships they just do.
I dislike drugs and how they have adversely affected my life even though i do not use them. they took my sisters from my life and they took my friend as well.
she is 42 today...part of me wishes i could see her, the other part knows to just let it rest.
I do not think we can be friends any longer, i do not condone her way of living.
Today, i guess i am just missing my friend.
I got to go to lunch yesterday with one of my "kids" from the old neighborhood, we had a bet on the sf and patriots game and since sf lost he bought lunch. He is one of my boys and i have missed seeing him around as the kids grow up they often times get busy as do us older adults. In any case it was good to have lunch each of us wearing our jerseys, we placed another lunch bet on the superbowl. After lunch we went into a used movie and book store i scored 6 movies for 25 bucks not a bad deal.
One of the movies i picked up was "Normal" with the r backwards. I had never even heard of the movie it has Jessica Lange in it, In the movie her husband is a prominent member of the community, church and workplace. He confided in the pastor and his wife that he was a woman trapped in a mans body after 25 years of marriage he needed to change himself for her own happiness. The church and workplace and community treated the whole family badly, I cried as i watched this family fall apart and then get stronger through all the hatred they faced. This movie is really very touching and enlightening. Although i live in a community where it is accepted to be transgendered there are still plenty of communities where hatred prevails and some folks suffer. This is sad for me.
If i had one wish today that would be granted it would be the acceptance of all human kind regardless of sex, sexual orientation, creed color etc. It would be for prejudices to just fade away like they never existed. for humans to show each other kindness and love. I guess thats more than one wish however today that is what i wish for.
I know what love is the deepest kind the kind that grows in your womb and explodes when you kiss your baby for the first time, the kind of love that makes you fiercely protect your youngins from harm or anyone doing anything that you feel is inappropriate with them, the kind of love it takes to demand a hospital staff help your baby deliver her baby, the kind of love one feels when she holds her granddaughter in her arms the first time that overwhelming feeling of beauty that resides in your grandbabies. I know this love and i know it deep.
Im not sure i know what "In Love" is or what it means or how to act or what happens, i have thought that i knew in the past i think i was wrong so wrong.
I know the love of friends and how i would protect my friends, stand up for them for their rights, for what they believe, for their own expereinces in life, I know the kind of love for e friend that has been unconditional until it could be no more.
I know what it is to love a partner of many years I did that however i never fell in love with her i simply loved her and when i finally relaxed into the relationship it was over..I finally relaxed and then decided i could take the emotional/mental abuse no more, thus it had to end.
Im not sure i know what "In Love" is or what it means or how to act or what happens, i have thought that i knew in the past i think i was wrong so wrong.
I think i have tried to get those feelings and it doesn't work an i don't think you can force yourself to have "in love" feelings i mean what is "in love" anyway?
I know I love my family, my friends deeply and honestly.
I love my little pup, she gets an egg every morning for breakfast, she takes up half my queen size bed at 5lbs, she has 3 of the 6 pillows on my bed and she knows it. I pay rent so she can be comfortable, she has her own loveseat..and she knows it.
But what is "In Love" and what the purpose of it? Is it not plausible to just "love" someone? Why does the "In love part" have to be there?
Feel free to respond it is the month of love after all.
Mr Nice Guy
02-02-2012, 12:32 PM
Hey G, I like your poems.
Hey G, I like your poems.
Thank you Elusive.
OneSweetpea
02-03-2012, 02:42 AM
For the first time since i began with this company i can honestly say i love my job.
I'm so glad for you, Ms. Gaea. This is wonderful news!
Sweetpea:rrose:
Broken By Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort
It let's me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
Barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
Tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
Inside my eyes
That are looking for purpose
There still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on
(I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holding on to you
Hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be OK
Broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home
I have signed up to go to a superbowl party, i really want to go...
here's my issue
i had my tonsils out in august and i still have trouble with my throat
there's gonna be a lot of good food there, i worry about choking in front of people..it isn't pretty when i choke. I cant help it it just happens. being an adult and having this surgery done is not as simple as if it had been done when i was 3 or even 5.
i want to go and see some of my friends
yet i am reluctant to go because of the eating situation. I haven't even been to any of my monthly brunches because of this.
oh the dilemma i have.
guess ill think about this some more while i clean and listen to music today.
This afternoon my youngest and i are going ice skating to assist with the fundraising for the local rink to get a new roof. she has never been on ice skates so this oughta give me a good chuckle and it will be nice to spend some time with her as she works 2 jobs and is always busy.
Parker
02-04-2012, 09:46 AM
What if you tell a few of your friends there to be on the lookout for a choking attack and to have your back in those situations? If it isn't life threatening choking, they can divert attention, change the subject, etc. to take any eyes off of you. :winky:
I say go forth and partay! You've been looking forward to this day for a long time and should enjoy it with friends. :)
:party:
After going to the grocery store...Im walking my pup and i see a father out there playing catch with his son no doubt excited for tomorrows big game almost like it is christmas. And i remember doing the same thing with my son when he played football, getting outside and playing catch with him for what seemed like hours now only seems like minutes that flew by, i remember he and i working on his techniques, i remember him worrying he would hurt me with the football, i remember working on his accuracy..i had caught many a softball accuracy was important.
And i remember my son taking his little team all the way to the little superbowl and i remember his tears when his team lost by a touchdown. i remember telling him that it was ok and that he was a winner anyway..i remember the whole team taking the kids out to celebrate anyway that they were all winners.
i remember all the hours my girls put in cheerleading as well, how football and cheer and soccer,baseball,softball etc consumed our lives for several years
what seemed to last a lifetime now only seems to have lasted a few minutes.
I miss those days, i miss volunteering for the leagues, i miss seeing the kids smiling faces.
goodness its monday again already....
I enjoyed yesterdays game and am wearing my patriots shirt today anyway.
Seems as thought time just flies right on by these days. i cannot believe its February already.
Can someone slow the year down a bit....
I did something out of the ordinary for me i scheduled followed through with and made another appointment with a therapist...
What are my goals, after all my insurance company only gives me 10 visits....wtf? ok well thats better than none...
goals ...to gain some tools that i can use in my daily life that will assist in the journey im on to heal my soul..I am raw, vulnerable and open and the salt stings.
Im tired and im broken, and i think this was the choice i needed to make for me.
We will see how it goes, im not used to being on this side, its a tad bit uncomfortable for me, im looking forward to the continued growth and developing more of who I AM and not what someone wants me to be.
I bleed
I keep moving
I have been cut wide open
Life hasnt been so kind
I bleed
I keep moving
Through the pain, the heartache.
I bleed
I keep moving
Because I
am Alive
I am free.
Sometimes its the littel things that get changed that make a girl feel like a million bucks and puts a big ole smile on my face ....
I am loving the black on purple combo
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d170/hstigen/432112_2932058695240_1074205960_32893336_148261497 2_n.jpg
I was up at 5 am today a crazy time to be awake on a saturday morning i do however enjoy watching the sunrise with my coffee, i finished my laundry and most of my house cleaning early, i went to lunch with a friend we talked for a little over 2 hours how nice it was to just sit with her and have lunch and not feel weird. I stopped in at ross afterward figure luck was on my side as i found the perfect color sheets that i wanted to complete my bedroom look within ten minutes and i was out of there within 15 that place scares me, i should wear gloves to avoid the germs in those places...anyway my friend talked me into going out tonight, she told me who i should avoid dating , i told her no worries...she told me to get my ass back out in the community that i have been hibernating way too long...perhaps she is right...so im going to go out for a couple of hours tonight. I look forward to crawling in my bed and sleeping after socializing. I heard the other night "let go of what you want to keep so you can have what you want" i have been mulling this over and over trying to figure out exactly what that would mean for me. It sure seems like a rather profound statement i think i needed to hear it.
loving the sunrises the sunsets and all that is between.
Parker
02-11-2012, 07:37 PM
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d170/hstigen/432112_2932058695240_1074205960_32893336_148261497 2_n.jpg
I can't get over Bear and her WIDE eyes .. MMNOM NOM NOM lol
I put my blanket in before I left for the evening it's nice and warm and despite the new look my pup knows her pillow and climbed right into it. I can handle going out and seeing my friends at these kinds of functions. when it gets too crowded i need to leave. they played some sappy music and all the beautiful couples danced together..I danced fast songs with my friends..can't do slow n sappy I'm just not in the mood. My friend asked if I had a wall around my heart I responded with more like a fortress and it just needs to be that way for me right now. I appreciate all the beauty I saw this evening in the laughter the dancing and the exchanged looks, I appreciate my friends that adore me as much as I then.
now I'm gonna watch a movie and bear is chewing on her bone. I do so adore my pup.
May Whitney rest in peace. May she sing to the heavens.
Stronger than me
a butch like that
to curl on in their arms
hold their head in my lap
a butch like that
to give and receive
a butch like that
to look in their eyes
and they mine
a butch like that
to give my heart to
to receive theirs
a butch like that
to play with and work with
a butch like that
dance together
a butch like that
cherish the femme that i am
while i cherish the butch that you are
confident and secure
a butch like that
in good times and bad
patient with me
a butch like that
just one
in a long line
just one
in a string of disasters
just one
who looked like the rest
just one
who believed in you
just one
of
many
just one
who did my best
just one
who walked away
unlike
the
rest
just one
who wouldn't tolerate
being used
just one
who soars when broken
just one
i watched the grammy's last night well till i fell asleep, i really enjoyed the tributes to whitney as well as glen campbell, and it got me thinking you know the news was all over whitneys daughter about how she had to be taken to the hospital, i feel so bad for her her momma taken from her just that quick. That child deserves support and i believe the media need stay off of her. It is not easy to lose a parent no matter what age you are and this girl is young.
I love adels voice and she owned the grammy's last night, as i watched her singing rolling in the deep and watched as she received a standing ovation, she looked so mesmerized the look in her eyes seemed to show what she may have been feeling, quite beautiful.
I hope you all have a glorious and wonderful valentines day.
<3 If your in a blessed relationship i wish for you and yours a most wonderful Valentines Day
If you have loved and lost I wish this valentines day to bring you another love
If your single, I wish you a great day after all the sun still shines
If your madly in love with someone may it be shared deeply between ythe two of you.
If your heart is breaking I wish you healing on this day.
For all, everywhere, I wish for you a very blessed valentines day <3
spike
02-14-2012, 10:31 AM
Stronger than me
a butch like that
to curl on in their arms
hold their head in my lap
a butch like that
to give and receive
a butch like that
to look in their eyes
and they mine
a butch like that
to give my heart to
to receive theirs
a butch like that
to play with and work with
a butch like that
dance together
a butch like that
cherish the femme that i am
while i cherish the butch that you are
confident and secure
a butch like that
in good times and bad
patient with me
a butch like that
I absolutely love this. Awesome!!!
On 12/27/2011 My friends gave birth to twin daughter's they were a little over 2 lbs each, my friends have had a rather rough time in the nicu, they have announced that as of yesterday the girls are closer to going home than had been earlier anticipated.
I have followed their progress on facebook and it has been an awesome experience to see these little girls growing.
I am so happy for them.
May the little ones continue to prosper in their health. May the family continue to be blessed with positive outcomes.
claybaby
02-15-2012, 03:16 PM
<3 If your in a blessed relationship i wish for you and yours a most wonderful Valentines Day
If you have loved and lost I wish this valentines day to bring you another love
If your single, I wish you a great day after all the sun still shines
If your madly in love with someone may it be shared deeply between ythe two of you.
If your heart is breaking I wish you healing on this day.
For all, everywhere, I wish for you a very blessed valentines day <3
G to the A to the E to the A....that is just beautiful! and I identify with numbers 2 and 4!!! grin
YOU are an incredibly beautiful soul with such a compassionate and kind heart...YOU will be loved in the way you SHOULD be..when you least expect it. HOLD OUT for THE one!! You know I heart you GF!! always..Clay
G to the A to the E to the A....that is just beautiful! and I identify with numbers 2 and 4!!! grin
YOU are an incredibly beautiful soul with such a compassionate and kind heart...YOU will be loved in the way you SHOULD be..when you least expect it. HOLD OUT for THE one!! You know I heart you GF!! always..Clay
You are an amazing friend Clay, I do so adore and heart you as well. I like the when i least expect it part...Same goes for you my friend, same for you. <3
claybaby
02-15-2012, 04:00 PM
You are an amazing friend Clay, I do so adore and heart you as well. I like the when i least expect it part...Same goes for you my friend, same for you. <3
the feelings are mutual you gorgeous lady you! Just be happy each day...live life..and just when you aren;t thinking it...HY will walk into oyur world and turn it all upside down..and love you unconditionally, without restraint, and in a whole and positive way..BELIEVE my sweet Gaea!! I heart you GF!! And I adore you to the Nth degree
the feelings are mutual you gorgeous lady you! Just be happy each day...live life..and just when you aren;t thinking it...HY will walk into oyur world and turn it all upside down..and love you unconditionally, without restraint, and in a whole and positive way..BELIEVE my sweet Gaea!! I heart you GF!! And I adore you to the Nth degree
You are so sweet, i can only say that by the time this happens maybe i will be ready for it. One never knows though till it happens if they are ready or not right?
claybaby
02-15-2012, 05:57 PM
You are so sweet, i can only say that by the time this happens maybe i will be ready for it. One never knows though till it happens if they are ready or not right?
This is so true!! I wasn't even thinking about it..and out of the blue...she popped in and has stolen my heart....and she makes me so very happy...and I am falling in love..real love...grin...the stuttering your words...racing heart...can't go to sleep at night thinking of her...butterflies in tummy kind of love..it is so incredible!
This is so true!! I wasn't even thinking about it..and out of the blue...she popped in and has stolen my heart....and she makes me so very happy...and I am falling in love..real love...grin...the stuttering your words...racing heart...can't go to sleep at night thinking of her...butterflies in tummy kind of love..it is so incredible!
your so deserving of that you know....
It sucks i have a fever a headache and an ear infection my head hurts so bad my eyes hurt this most certainly feel like a migraine which often happens with a fever.
It sucks I try to make friends with other femmes, here and irl, it doesnt always turn out, i have made a few good friends that are femme however seems a lot of my friends are butch.
I am not here to find "love" im here to have a sense of community world wide, im here because this is where i fit in as a femme. I dont feel as though i fit in in a lot of places in real life.
People talk about me even people that do not know me talk about me, i guess if they have to then that means they are not talking about someone else so if they must talk about me so be it.
Im not here to "date" "get married" or find that "happily ever after" cause quite frankly i honestly just do not believe in it, i do however believe in
the power of friendship and networking that's what i seek.
I thought i would have a twilight series day however i seem to be missing a movie ah well, i will get it another time, i seem to be replacing a lot of my movies lately...i have a movie gremlin living in my house or something either that or my pup is selling off my movies, who knows considering its just her and i here. If she is selling off my movies wheres the proceeds?
It is not my intention to offend anyone with what i said above, i just tend to think about stuff when im not feeling well.
I want my friends to know just how much i value friendship and what it means to me.
spike
02-17-2012, 11:09 AM
It sucks i have a fever a headache and an ear infection my head hurts so bad my eyes hurt this most certainly feel like a migraine which often happens with a fever.
It sucks I try to make friends with other femmes, here and irl, it doesnt always turn out, i have made a few good friends that are femme however seems a lot of my friends are butch.
I am not here to find "love" im here to have a sense of community world wide, im here because this is where i fit in as a femme. I dont feel as though i fit in in a lot of places in real life.
People talk about me even people that do not know me talk about me, i guess if they have to then that means they are not talking about someone else so if they must talk about me so be it.
Im not here to "date" "get married" or find that "happily ever after" cause quite frankly i honestly just do not believe in it, i do however believe in
the power of friendship and networking that's what i seek.
I thought i would have a twilight series day however i seem to be missing a movie ah well, i will get it another time, i seem to be replacing a lot of my movies lately...i have a movie gremlin living in my house or something either that or my pup is selling off my movies, who knows considering its just her and i here. If she is selling off my movies wheres the proceeds?
It is not my intention to offend anyone with what i said above, i just tend to think about stuff when im not feeling well.
I want my friends to know just how much i value friendship and what it means to me.
I for one value your friendship... :)
Parker
02-17-2012, 01:54 PM
I thought i would have a twilight series day however i seem to be missing a movie ah well, i will get it another time, i seem to be replacing a lot of my movies lately...i have a movie gremlin living in my house or something either that or my pup is selling off my movies, who knows considering its just her and i here. If she is selling off my movies wheres the proceeds?
LOL, I can just picture Bear at the computer listing your DVDs on eBay so she can buy more bones and have them delivered when you're not home ..... I keep forgetting I got the newest flick of that series this past weekend - I should have a marathon at some point. :winky:
As for your friendships, I have seen what Clay and others have written to and about you - it's pretty clear that you are valued as well - I hope you know that. :flowers:
I had my eyes checked today, it has been 5 years since my last exam that's what happens when you don't have vision insurance, I wanted to keep my frames i love my frames, they said i couldn't because the warranty had worn out blah blah blah...they dilated my eyes and everything looked like :fireworks: on the way home, i probably should not have been driving myself however whats a girl to do?
I had a friend ask me to go out tonight i seriously considered it then i thought i might get caught up in looking at all the pretty lights , so i best stay home and let my eyes get back to normal.
My antibiotics seem to be working as im feeling better. i just cant see and my glasses aren't helping.
having vsp saved me 408.00 dollars...yep im tickled with my new vision plan and glad that they got it at work.
Parker
02-18-2012, 10:02 PM
This happened to me when I went to get my eyes examined at the VA this past summer. They didn't warn me that one of the tests now requires them to squirt shit into my eyes that would make them dilate and sensitive to light and that would also make me both dizzy AND sleepy.
I rode my motorcycle to my appointment that morning.
Such a bad idea. :blink:
Im sitting here perusing my fb...and i go and see all my sister my bio sisters...I have 3 of them however one would never know that unless i say it...
And i was thrown back into a time a time before they knew what drugs and alcohol was a time before those things took them from me..
and damnit...was it not enough to lose our dad?
but that i lost all them too...
Sometimes I wish i had a sister i could just call and say hey you know i miss the hell out of you...I wish drugs and alcohol hadn't been their choices....
but what is my sitting here wishing all this for it isnt going to change anything and sure as hell wont repair relationships that are long gone :(...
I try to forget...i have sisters..i try to forget so it doesn't hurt so much..it doesn't always work.
a beautiful day this day, a gorgeous afternoon and a wonderful place to sit quietly while enjoying my lunch
I could not ask for anything more today :)
sometimes I forget to be grateful for the gift I'm given every day which is that of my life..my children and grandchildren my family even the ones far away. I always come back around to that smile that radiates from deep within me regardless of the things that happen.
life itself a precious gift.
spike
02-22-2012, 02:58 PM
Im sitting here perusing my fb...and i go and see all my sister my bio sisters...I have 3 of them however one would never know that unless i say it...
And i was thrown back into a time a time before they knew what drugs and alcohol was a time before those things took them from me..
and damnit...was it not enough to lose our dad?
but that i lost all them too...
Sometimes I wish i had a sister i could just call and say hey you know i miss the hell out of you...I wish drugs and alcohol hadn't been their choices....
but what is my sitting here wishing all this for it isnt going to change anything and sure as hell wont repair relationships that are long gone :(...
I try to forget...i have sisters..i try to forget so it doesn't hurt so much..it doesn't always work.
I understand how you feel. I never has bio sisters, only those sisters that come and go out of my life. I hate to see them go and wonder how they can forget. But I always hope a new sister will spring up, one I can share anything with and just be so totally me around. One day I am sure it will happen for me. I hope you find the same happiness also, Gaea...
I understand how you feel. I never has bio sisters, only those sisters that come and go out of my life. I hate to see them go and wonder how they can forget. But I always hope a new sister will spring up, one I can share anything with and just be so totally me around. One day I am sure it will happen for me. I hope you find the same happiness also, Gaea...
thanks, i am happy, i just miss my bio sisters at times..i have my friends that i can share things with. Sometimes though it would be nice to have time with my bio sisters. Im sure i will survive lol i have been doing that for a long time now.
i had a lovely dinner with a friend tonight we talked about so many thing each of us getting on one tangent or another she said during one of her tangents. years ago she met a woman who had been married for over 50 years and when my friend had asked the woman how she did that she told my friend that you have to love your partners flaws because we are all flawed in one fashion or another. if you can't love their flaws it won't last.
this has given me something to think about.
Licious
02-23-2012, 02:34 AM
I just came across this thread and I like it. Not much to say yet, just reading the posts. Subscribing. :bow:
I just came across this thread and I like it. Not much to say yet, just reading the posts. Subscribing. :bow:
ah thank you so much, this makes me smile.
I received an email from my youngest telling me that she is moving to Dallas, Tx July 9th...and now she will be my second child to leave this state I wonder of the eldest will soon follow none the less my letter to her because it is important to me she pursue her dreams in life.
Apparently the top wedding professionals are in Dallas and she is going there to work, and learn from them. I couldn't be prouder to support her in her dreams.
my letter to her
02/23/12
Dear Stefanie(my little one),
As you begin a new and wonderfully exciting journey in your life I would like to share with you a few things, there will be people in your life that will try to discourage you from pursuing your dreams because they’re own dreams were one day left behind and they forgot to continue pursuing them, some will say don’t go, some might even try to discourage you from believing enough in yourself that you might have a fleeting moment where you “think” for a second you can’t do something.
So here is the thing my little one, I carried you under my heart for well over the usual 9 months and I bonded with you and got to know all the little things about this little girl I carried and love, At the moment of your birth I was your biggest fan..Often times your courageous personality was on display long before you could even walk.
So as your biggest fan I’m here to say NEVER GIVE UP on your dreams, follow them see where they may lead you, cherish the moments along the way , take lots of pictures for your memory, and for me, create something new for you. LIVE your life and your dreams
Don’t listen to the nay Sayers in life they often times are just plain ole bitter with their own life and can’t possibly see the amazing young woman that you are.
Print this and carry it with you to remind you that you have a big fan in your momma, let it remind you to stay focused and positive, let it remind you that no matter what I’m always going to be on your side and that no matter who you have at least one person that will encourage you and often times having one person that encourages you leads to having a whole lot more.
How far you have come in your life, your diligence, your pursuit to achieve your dreams. Do not allow anyone to take this away from you.
No doubt about it, I will miss you terribly, no doubt about it, I’m going to have to go to Texas now.
Love Always,
Your Momma
I think im going to cry now ...
So my daughters and I have decided to spend the next 19 tuesdays having dinner at Ashlee's where she will decide the menu and let stef and i know what to bring and Stef will have a weekly assignment for all of us, this weeks assignment will be to write 10 things we love about each other 10 thats it? oh gosh i might struggle to keep it at 10...
My contribution building a blog where we can write about our experiences and write about encouragement etc where they will have free reign to post things they want to keep with them. You see my girls although 4 years apart in age they are the best of friends, and it is my hope that having done this they will stay that way.
http://twentytuesdays.blogspot.com/
here is the link...i could use some guidance on these things as i have not done a blog like this.
Parker
02-23-2012, 09:45 PM
So my daughters and I have decided to spend the next 19 tuesdays having dinner at Ashlee's where she will decide the menu and let stef and i know what to bring and Stef will have a weekly assignment for all of us, this weeks assignment will be to write 10 things we love about each other 10 thats it? oh gosh i might struggle to keep it at 10...
My contribution building a blog where we can write about our experiences and write about encouragement etc where they will have free reign to post things they want to keep with them. You see my girls although 4 years apart in age they are the best of friends, and it is my hope that having done this they will stay that way.
http://twentytuesdays.blogspot.com/
here is the link...i could use some guidance on these things as i have not done a blog like this.
I think the blog's a pretty great idea, G - I hope it lasts well beyond the 20 Tuesdays and keeps you all linked together as closely as you are now, no matter where this world takes each of you. :)
I think the blog's a pretty great idea, G - I hope it lasts well beyond the 20 Tuesdays and keeps you all linked together as closely as you are now, no matter where this world takes each of you. :)
That is my hope :)
I spent the afternoon ast my daughters place with her and my granddaughters and my youngest showed up and suddenly we were the three girls in the family with our pups lol we were all sitting on the couch with our dogs in out laps the little ones were playing in their bedroom. I spent some time on the line with at&t trying to get ashlees wireless fixed however I came to the conclusion that either they need an updated laptop in which i suggested or they need new box to test this theory we set it to no key needed and still they couldnt connect even with their phones thus my senses tell me they just have a bad router and since they purchased the router perhaps they ought ot exchange it for a new one.
my youngest also began a blog of her own in which i linked her journey to the blog i created for us. she likes to write i think she is going to do well.
she is already planning for the girls to come see her in Dallas maybe take Audree to a Cowvboys game.
for me i enjoyed the day very much, when i got there Ashlee gave me my present from my son it was a picture of him and his girl it now sits on my night stand joining the one of Ashlee and her family as well as the one of Stef and i together, he also sent a pendant that is a key with a heart and the word mom in the heart...for some reason there was a tear that snuck out and slid down my cheek..i am wearing it with my other pendants...
Dear Self,
I really need to just do this perhaps maybe i will find some healing in this maybe maybe not who know there's always hope though.
I come from a place of intense abuse, mental emotional, physical as im sure many do it has proven to be something that was traumatic even though i failed to recognize it then. now im supersensitive to things situations people.
I find i hold myself hostage in my own personal hell because i dont trust anyone and least of all my own judgement which has many times failed me in the past it continues to do so because i have great difficulties in trusting my own judgment often times my relationships fail or i chase after someone who may just be as screwed up as i am then i wont have to be alone...and yet alone is where i am.
I have no idea how to break these chains that bind me and they are my own chains ones i have placed upon myself that hold me hostage to me.
I think i am too scared to move and feel like moving about freely just may not be my right and my inner gemini fights this on a regular bases...constantly in turmoil with me...the one side who desires to express and feel and allow ...fights with my other self who i believe is so much stronger the protective side that wont allow anyone in that wont give up or split the responsibility of maintaining me.
i dislike all that "happened" to get me where i am at. Sometimes i feel like all the changes i have made for the "better" of me that i would like to start seeing results of these changes the positive results the kind that make me smile instead of cry. mostly i just hide my tears and hide my saddness...mostly i can be sarcastic and fierce as hell. mostly, mostly, mostly...
sometimes i think god how nice it must be to let go of vulnerabilities to someone special, to allow someone in to that sacred place in my life that i just want to protect.
to let it out
to let it go
to fall to my knees and just breath
to feel safe to do so
and yet there is this voice inside my head....and suddenly at 41 i need to release it, release it all so that i can just be that happy girl i once knew...sometimes i look in the mirror and i will catch a glimpse of her..
more often than not i want to say screw it all to hell....more than that i keep on going, i keep on smiling i keep on believing in the good of the worlds because im optimistic and to confuse all that i dont trust my own optimism...
i know my soul, she gets to shine in areas of my life when i can leave behind the feelings and the thoughts...
dear god i am doing the best i can today,
ps i heard a little birdie today tell me its all going to be all right someday...
Love,
Me
Last Tuesday my girls and i had our first tuesday dinner together they have such good taste in music that even i enjoyed it :)...hm wonder who raised them up on the good stuff! Although i tried with failure to sensor some of the music they heard i taught them to appreciate a wide rage of music genre...and as adults they do.
We had homemade nachos, ashlee even fried the chips herself this was amazing it feel like walking back in time only i was looking at my daughter cooking instead of me cooking, I have seen them cook many a time however tuesday night was out first of the next 19 before my youngest leaves for dallas. It was different this time.
we sat down and shared our 10 i love you's , it has taken me since tuesday to get them on the blog as when we read them there were times each of us choked up and times we laughed.
I am also discovering all the cool little things about this blog thing..actually kind of liking it.
Next week we will share 5 great memories with a drawing of one of the memories we chose to write about...me i cant draw...so its just gonna have to be the best momma can do.
I have family and friends in the regions of the tornado's and am glad to hear that everyone is doing ok however saddened about the devastated area's and will send what i can to help out families in those area's.
I seem to have hit a place between a rock and a really big freaking mountain or is that a hard place...seems the mountain is just damn too much for me to climb and then i hear a song, a song that i have turned to many a time to remind me its all doable...one baby step at a time.
I don't want to talk about it
I've done enough I think
I don't want to spend more money
Don't want another drink
I would scratch out all the images
If I had the chance
Don't ask me what I'm thinking
Can't you see I only want to dance
Dance without sleeping
Dance without fear
Dance without senses no message I hear
Dance without sleeping
Dance till I'm numb
Dance till I think I can overcome
Walking on the edge of rage and understanding
Between the black and the white
This child is so angry
Alone here tonight
Alarming desperation
Leads me to believe
With all my shields and protection
It's only me I deceive
Dance without sleeping
Dance without fear
Dance without senses no message I hear
Dance without sleeping
Dance till I'm numb
Dance till I think I can overcome
The eyes on a magazine
The voice on the radio
The kiss on the movie screen
This is the story I know
Fathers hold on and they never go
Mothers hold on and they never go
Lovers hold on and they never go
Lovers they come and they never go
Dance without sleeping
Dance without fear
Dance without senses no message I hear
Dance without sleeping
Dance till I'm numb
Dance till I think I can overcome
I know for me when i hear this tune it is inspirational and reminds me that i can and will overcome the difficult shit in life..one step one day at a time.
Parker
03-06-2012, 08:08 AM
Good song - I love the hell out of that whole CD. :listening:
:hanging: Hang in there, sister .....
Just keep telling yourself: this too shall pass. :)
dot dot dot, where to begin....why do i feel so light today...something has made my soul smile from deep within...
I spent my drive home feeling ever so elated although ouch i have had a couple really rough days this last week...and have a few more to prepare for and yet i feel ever so light in my soul today. My drive home was so gorgeous gorgeous like it is every day. The moon enormous and so beautiful coming up behind me and the sun setting with the most amazing amber glow just above the tree lines, and the city skyline just an amazing view. Then it dawned on me why i was feeling so light and why my soul smiled deep.
I had the opportunity today to work with Jerry's (my co worker) mom via the phone because they were having trouble with skyping and they needed help so Jerry could see her momma more often, and so i pulled up the manual to the camera read it and told Jerry call your mom ill talk to her, now mind you this clearly is out of protocol but whatever its Jerrys momma and she needed help and so did Jerry. so i worked with Ms Marcella for well over an hour repeating my self time and time again and never once losing patience with her when it seemed as if she was getting tired of the trouble shooting i gave the phone over to Jerry and we would continue again tomorrow. Ms Marcella told Jerry please tell her "thank you so much for having patience with me"
After Jerry had hung up with her momma i told her how i "used" to want to teach people how to use a computer so that it wasn't so frightening and as i was saying these words to her, my soul smiled and i could feel my eyes glisten with happiness my heart somewhat lighter.
I helped Jerry's momma so they could skype..and that for me was enough thanks.
so my friends...here is my dilemma...how in hell do i get out of a dead end job that utilizes my skills that i love to do something i really love that also utilizes my skills.???
Ok gonna finish watching survivor now.
Parker
03-07-2012, 08:29 PM
I'm going to say the same thing here that I did "there." lol
What about, at least for now, dipping your toe into the water by (a) seeing if you are qualified to teach a night class at a local community college or (b) looking into volunteering to teach kids or the elderly (or whomever) at a community center, senior center, etc.
Then you can move on to the bigger idea of seeing if you need more schooling, a certificate, etc to teach full time. :)
claybaby
03-07-2012, 08:32 PM
hey gaea....you go girl. Follow your heart!! YOU will be awesome!!! YOU have a gift...for others...share that gift of yourself and knowledge!! THAT fire is lit inside you..you have begun to find your calling...YOU rock, beautiful!! Go for it...love ya and hugs...Clay
So i interviewed for a roommate yesterday, all seemed to go well.
Difficult for me however i am in need of a roommate.
I like living alone, i like running around half naked or wholly naked in the mornings. I like my peace and quiet at times, at other times i like good conversation.
So it will be i will have a roommate come the first so i need to get the spare room all cleaned out.
with the cost of living continuing to rise and no raise in 5 years my world sometimes is a bit stressed to the max.
And so it goes.....
look into my eyes
you will find that sadness pools
sadness from a long life
of hurts and pain
a life of trying and failing
falling and dismay
look into my eyes
you will find hope
in them it resides
hope for a love that is true
hope for a life of simple things
look into my eyes
you will find a momma who loves
her babies and a gramma that loves the little ones
look into my eyes
you will find a woman who is searching for something
that fulfills her desires
look into my eyes
you will find the smile that
betrays my mouth
look into my eyes and you will
find me
Someone posted this on my Aunti Roberta's Page..
It really is fitting
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean ? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
I'd like to think that I am coffee. I have faced a strong adversary that changed the way I looked at my life. I am now a stronger more vibrant person because I adapted.
Which one are you?
it is my mothers sisters birthday today an aunt i never really got to know nor one that ever really gave a shit about us, she is on my fb i can post this there, today i learned my mother's brother passed away wickedly weird that he would die on one of his sisters birthday..
biologically this man is/was my uncle however that is as far as it goes...
my ex's aunts n uncles were/are more my aunts /uncles than my mothers siblings.
he died and im an ass because when i got the call i was somewhat callous about the whole situation...expressing my lack of respect for a man i witnessed beat the shit out of my mother then proceed to tear up her kitchen his sister who was/is literally physically helpless due to polio..i was 7 or 8 at the time and that day burns in my brain...maybe now that he is dead i can let it go.
my mother im sure is not far from death herself and im not sure how i feel about that she was wickedly mean and abusive herself...something i have come to to terms with and accepted and it took me a long time to accept that part of her the part where she didn't know any better then again she never really tried to know any different either..
next moth marks ten years since my dad passed him i still cry for, he protected me when he could, his siblings protected me when they could, them i cry for.
i feel genuinely bad for my mother and her "family", however i wont shed a tear for her brother...i will say fair thee well and move forward.
i think part of what truly pisses me off gonna say it is my "mother and her family" disowned me and my babies when i came out and now they want my sympathy or sorrow?...i wonder if they know how big my ass is these days and how perfectly kissable it is...
so i had a call from the baby sister today the oldest sister with whom i have not spoken with in a few years(long story) is freaking out because she is finally accepting that her daughter is having a baby (said daughter does not reside with her) and would i please call her..
hence learning how to hide my number so i can call her...
the conversation went not so good because she was making this pregnancy all about her instead of focusing on the fact that her daughter chose sexual relations and then chose to keep the baby, twice i hung up on her once when she said "i told her not to have sex" and the second time when i explained that you can tell your teen till their blue in the face not to have sex however they will if they choose to do so...this infuriated me because i believe in teaching your children about safe sex because well sex happens...the second time i reminded her that she herself had her first baby at 17 and how did she think she had that baby..hence comes the second hang up...good god she blamed our MOTHER...i hung up...shook my head and took a walk then called her back and very calmly reminded her that our mother was not present when she was having sex with her first borns father...sheesh...
so then i i asked what can i do to help you clearly your a wreck over this and i need to know what it is you think i can do to help you..what she said next melted me because this is a sister who is older than i by 4 years, she said,
" i didnt have any good role models so that i could be a good mom, i have always looked up to you because your a great mom and a great grandma and i want to be a good mom like you and i want to be a good grandmother"
in 42 years my sister has never paid one compliment to me today she paid me the highest of compliments i could ever hope for, i really do not know how to teach her to be a "good" grandmother she gave birth 8 times however didn't raise any of her kids..so i guess i will start with the basics in trying to teach her how to be a mom to her daughter so she can be a grandma to her grandson.
I kept telling her to focus on today forward...sometimes it is difficult to get in the role of sister however she needs me and i hope i just hope that this time she is truthful when she says she is no longer on drugs.
i hope for her, her children and her grandchild and the ones to come.
i keep thinking about my sister and our conversation yesterday i keep thinking...
my children taught me how to be a mother taught me their needs in life they taught me how to be a mom to them.
my grandchildren are teaching me how to be a grandmother to them their individual little selves, although throughout the years i would see grandmothers and i would hope to someday be a grandmother like them it turns out that i am the grandmother to my granddaughters the kind that they need the grandma that plays with them and eats popcorn in the big bed with them and watches little kid movies with them while we all recite the movies the kind that has books for them and reads to them the kind that i just am.
i guess im struggling with how to express this to my sister..
i never really though about what it takes to be a "mom" i just was a mom and i never felt like my grandchildren were forced on me instead they are my little blessings in life. my little granddaughters are two of the most adorable little girls in the world and i love their individual personalities.
My little great nephew is I hope going to be born today momma is in the hospital..I was kind of tickled to hear this new and kept rolling great nephew off my tongue, what a grand sound that is...and then , it dawned on me im about to become a great aunt...now mind you i look not like what "Great Aunts" looked like when i was young lol..none the less im tickled pink.
now my sister unfortunately has decided to walk away..sad she did that to this babys momma as well..
me i will not, given the opportunity i will love this little guy just like i love his momma.
I hope she is doing well and i hope the labor and delivery go well for her.
Parker
03-30-2012, 02:09 PM
Congrats! :)
I am a great aunt twice over - a great niece and a great nephew ... the weird part about it for me is I clearly remember babysitting my niece and nephew and changing their diapers and now they have kids??
Wow. lol
aw...I raised this baby's momma off n on for 8 years with her siblings with my own..I remember all too well the infant stages of these now grown kids.
life is a blessing even when rough its still a blessing.
I woke today with a feeling of being blessed and all is well in my world as this morning as of right this minute.
Alot has happened in the last year, more to the point of the last few weeks..odd how life is, odd how it can be.
A year ago the only "family" i primarily kept in contact with was my immediate family meaning my children and my aunties in kentucky. A year ago I longed for the ability to forgive my mother so i started practicing forgiving her daily, a year ago i had no idea the damage that her abuse had on me a year ago i refused to accept it i just knew i longed to forgive her. My mothers favorite name for me over the last 20 years of my life has been "fuckin bitch" <---those two words together they make me cringe in more ways than one. Perhaps she loved to call me that because i loved my babies, i raised my babies cared for them taught them, spent quality time with them, perhaps it is because I am strong enough to endure such hatred (she had no idea how this broke me), perhaps she called me this because she had no sense of what it meant to be a mom, she was a mother however she was never a mom.
There are 4 of us girls I am number 3 in the line up, the one who was ignored, the one who was the tiniest, the one who chose to hide when my sisters were getting the shit knocked out of them, the one that wanted nothing more than to fade into the wall, the quiet one out of choice because my opinions would garner a quick slap.
when my sister had her eldest some 28 years ago she had no mothering instincts she was not a mom either, she used me to clean her house take care of her baby and endure her holier than though bullshit, however i loved my little niece and believed she deserved love so i gave it to her..My sister lost her to her father and never really did what she needed to do to regain custody of her child instead she went on to have i dont know 7 more i think, from first to last there is like a 22 year difference...she lost all of her kids the last 7 to the state and to their different fathers parents, throughout the years the state often times brought me her children to care for and many times i did...then they were finally adopted by paternal grandparents, and i miss them i miss them all. and i wonder what happened to her instincts or did she just not have them the way our mother didn't have them?
my next eldest sister placed her baby up for adoption...at a year and half at least she recognized she had no maternal instincts and did right by her baby early on.
me the day i brought my baby home my mother said dont expect me to love this baby and i never did i had enough love in my heart and soul to carry her through i never expected much from my mother, she was not a grandmother to my children nor would i ever allow her to be the way she was with me to my kids, she had limited contact with htem and if she got out of line with them i would remove my kids from the situation as i was their momma and it was my job to protect them and i just couldn't allow my mother to harm my babies...i was a fierce one with ideals on how to raise a chid/ren on how to be a momma, the best momma that i could possibly be...
my youngest sis--has never been able to conceive
out of 4 daughters my mother had i was the one who raised my kids and cared for them and showed them love...it is unfortunate that my mother never knew the great people my kids are..i am blessed to have them.
I have maintained contact with my sisters children because i love them and they are a part of me and having little zamir come into he world and knowing that his momma was taken from her momma at a young age, despite that she has grown into a beautiful young lady, she loves her son she will be a good mommy, she will also break the pattern.
I have cousins many cousins i have gotten to meet over the last several weeks, cousins i didn't know i had, I am blessed.
I have somehow found forgiveness for my my mother, she is ill very ill and i looked at her pictures and she looks the same miserable she has always looked only now i see her in a different light, although she is my mother she has created her own misery...a misery that is hers and hers alone, one in which i realized today that i was able to escape that of her where as my sisters were not.
I am blessed, I am loved by my children and I love my children and my grand babies and nieces and nephews. There is something to be said about unconditional love, there is something about being able to love in this manner, not everyone is capable of it.
So as in the last couple of weeks, i have been helping my youngest sister care for our mother and although we are in different states i have been able to assist through phone calls and text messages and emails..and the other night the woman called me a "fuckin bitch" and it didn't slice me wide open this time i think because i found what i had been searching for the ability to forgive her..Then the eldest sister needed to reach out to me, i had not spoken to her for 4 years and suddenly she needs help because she doesn't know how to be a grandma---there is no book on this...and suddenly after a few exhausting conversations i calmed down enough to tell her i would do what i can to teach her however it starts with being able to love your babies and love their babies..
even though i really have no idea how tomorrow will be today i have 2 sisters looking to me to help them even if its just talking with them and sharing my knowledge..today i am blessed.
Last night i had dinner with my eldest and my grand babies and i played with them so their momma could do some work from home we started to clean their playroom we played zinga and Audree informed me she could write her number to 75, and i kissed my grandbabies both telling them how beautiful and how smart they both are and did they know how much they are loved and both of them responded with "love you granma" the sweetest words, I am blessed. I learned also that my eldest daughter has been placed on medication for pre diabetes, she is 25 and not terribly overweight however has had a heck of a time losing weight so they ran tests on her and discovered she is pre diabetic, this runs in her fathers family, i remember her pediatrician being worried about that with her when she was a baby (she got really fat...she was my little cutie though) I managed their diets so they would have healthy meals and not that she doesn't do well as an adult and as a parent , she is active she works out she still does cheer the girls also involved in tumbling classes its a genetic thing..I will be a worried momma for sure..
I know i am rambling today...I have so much in life to be thankful for, today I am blessed.
i knew i loved you when i was a little girl i knew i was special because you always allowed me to play with ham ham lincoln and i knew i loved you because you were always welcoming me you always had your arms out for me and a love for me i didnt see with my sisters. zi knew i was special i just didnt know why for years.
i knew i was mad at my mom when she took me away from you when i was 5 i knew i longed for my momma ruth and uncle buzzy every night of my youth, i just never really understood why...
When i was born i was a preamture baby weighing just 4 pounds and being 16 inches long, i was born to a woman who had two other children and most certainly was incapable of dealing with a premature infant so i was sent home from the hospital to mamma ruths home and her care and her love and her support for several weeks/months perhaps...she and i we were connected always for the last 41 years of my life me connected with this woman....
When i was a young child i was often times either with mamma ruth or auntie helen, these two women saved my life, protected me cared for me, most of all they loved me and i love them both.
After being moved to California i longed for them both, missed them both very much all the time, talked with them on the phone as often as i could and or was allowed. As an adult i have maintained contact with them on my own.
When i was 22 i went home to Peoria, Illinois for a visit, my mother always said peoria was an ugly city and yet my soul felt at home the minute we got there...when i saw my momma ruth i was so happy i cried, when i saw my auntie helen i cried out of happiness to be in their presence once again.
When i was 22 i learned the story of my birth and the following months..it suddenly all made sense, she gave me the love i needed as an infant the bonding between a mommie and her baby and i was for all intents and purposes her baby...and it made sense the strong connection i had with her my whole life up to that point and beyond. It all made sense...
When i was 25 after leaving my husband i spent 6 months in peoria reconnecting with my family however longed to be home in california, i had a wonderful six months to spend time with both my auntie helen and my momma ruth, momma ruth gave me a heating pad the winter i was 25 my jaw locked up when she gave it to me she said when you were born i laid you on this heating pad because it was the only way you would sleep, i hung on to that damn heating pad till well into my thirties when it finally just gave out...
Today my sister writes a message on my fb wall and i will quote her
" did you know momma ruth died"
and all i could say was
FUCK!!!!!
and the universe just knocked the wind out of me....
she passed away jan 16th...and uncle buzzy her husband of 48 years cant talk about her and apologized for not calling me...i told him i love him too and please never forget how much i love you both.
and i will more than likely go to sleep with tears tonight....
for me, no she was not my birth mother however she was my "first mommie" "my momma ruth" and trust me i didnt much like it when my sisters called her that...she was mine damnit
So Mama Ruth, your memory will reside in me forever and ham ham lincoln will always be a story i will tell, the truth behind my birth, thank you for sharing that with me, thank you for loving ME when you knew my own mother wouldn't/couldn't. Please find my dad and give him one of those warm hugs you always had to give, please tell him i miss him.
please forgive my typos ...
http://easyfhweb.com/restinpeace.aspx?MemberId=100762&MName=Ruth%20%20Shackelford&FLVId=26#
I don't remember a tiem when i didnt do something for easter with my kids...
this year is gonna be a weird one no easter baskets to make or fill no dinner to sit down to...weird...all the kids are busy this year..
I used to sing this to my kids and with them and no sing it to and with my grandbabies one of my favorite easter songs...
damnit i don't know that i like this part of getting older i really enojoy decorating for the holidays..well at least i used to anyway.
enjoy the songs and enjoy your easter <3
8mKGnIF7GRE
ps something else i used to do when the kids were teens lol i would sing this song loud and over and over till it irritated them to the point they would all be laughing hysterically ..good times. :)
im by no means complaining..just needed to say how weird it is
cause and affect
people including myself often time in a minute or two don't really give thought to cause and affect and how it may ripple a day or two or even a year or more later and how actions can cause hurts even if they were unintended suddenly trust is gone and what do you do when saying I'm sorry and truly meaning it deep in your own soul the one affected often times cannot see this because they are the one who were hurt by you..
cause and affect
how you are today really does affect your tomorrow and relationships moving forward
we are all guilty of this in one fashion or another
coming to terms with it..making changes in yourself makes changes in your present day as well as your future
all you have in reality is the gift o today the one given you when the sun rose and blessed your morning..cause and affect, make today count as if nothing else matters.
be aware of what you say and do be aware of how it can hurt someone you may not know today however might know tomorrow.
the past cannot be changed however today moving forward can be.
cause and affect
heavily on my mind and in my heart
im going to be all right
i dont have much of a choice however to just keep moving forward
mistakes i have made
mistakes others have made
mistakes that keep driving to the same point and i just keep trying to
change me so that someday i have a different outcome
perhaps knowing what i know now will make it easier
perhaps i will just become more bitter who the fuck knows at this point
perhaps i just got another lesson in not giving my heart away because its so goddamned easily stepped on
perhaps i will just be more consciously aware of all that shit and NOT do that to another especially those i care so much about
perhaps its all well and good
i keep thinking "make lemonade"
optimistic and then i just wanna SCREAM fuck that
and then i remember
we all have different paths in life that we are to take
and that for a fleeting moment i fell on your path and you mine
and that's all it was a fleeting moment
for me to teach and learn
a fleeting moment
and knowing that i know i will be all right
knowing that im tough because i don't have a choice but to be makes it so
knowing that the tears that caress my pillow will someday stop
Id like to say i have this amazing ability to be wise when it comes to issues of the heart, the sad sad truth to the matter is i do not i just plain do not...
every vm ever left
every text ever exchanged
every picture ever sent
all
gone
gone for good
erased from my life as it should be
and suddenly i feel free
because i have finally let go
every year i go through this thing at this time of year
every year Dad i really try and just make it through
truth be told April 19th is never a good day for me even when i try
Im doing better this year
idk Dad ten years just seems like a really fucking long time for you to be gone and yet it is
and yet it is a day ill never forget a day that will be with me forever because it is a day i lost you to forever....
I miss you dad....
I miss you every damn day I miss your words of wisdom, i miss you telling me how proud you are of me...I miss you telling me you love me...I miss your hugs god how i miss your hugs...
Your great granddaughters are growing big and they have such a good mommy, you would be proud of your granddaughter.
Someday i will see you again....
right now i recognize this empty feeling in the pit of my tummy is because i miss you with all that i am...
I fail to understand the government these days, I fail to understand minimum wage being less than what it take a person to be able to live on in this economy. I fail to understand how our elderly are suppose to be properly taken care of medically, housing and food if we do not do anything to increase their abilities..I fail to understand the housing crises that occurred and has affected so many. I fail to understand this unnecessary “oil” war that continues on and on meanwhile I’m paying over 4.00 a gallon at the pump.
I fail to understand the government wanting to destroy women’s rights all over the place, the rights to our own bodies, and the rights for us to be healthy…our rights as humans in general.
I fail to understand the attacks on persons of color…-We are all human after all.
I fail to understand the complete lack of compassion I’m seeing everywhere
How am I suppose to trust in the all might American society when my rights as a woman are being taken away little by little, not to mention that as a lesbian my rights are even less than that of my gay counterparts.
I fail to understand why more women do not vote.
I fail to understand those that are capable of being employed and are not….trust me I know a few.
I fail to understand that Social Security will not be around for some in my generation as it has already affected those in the elderly generations.
I fail to understand the hunger the unnecessary hunger all over the world.
I fail to understand the need for children and women world wide to suffer unnecessarily so.
I fail to understand the greed that I see everywhere.
I fail to understand the extreme medical and dental costs. Why is there no cap on these services?? Oh yeah greed.
What I do understand, I have a choice to fight all that I do not understand, I have a choice not to accept it and help when and where I can, I have the responsibility and the right to VOTE, I understand the abilities that I have that can help those in need however I am but one person a single woman just doing my best to survive day to day and yet I would give what I have to help another. I understand I know many people who are a lot like me…
I understand We the people can force change...one itty bitty little thing at a time..one itty bitty little random act at a time can change all these things I do not understand.
it was nasty outside yesterday nasty cold thunder lightning and hail...i must say i do not like all those things put together..thunder and lightning scare the damn bejeesers out of me....
when i left work i received a text message from my best friend of over 25 years I have spoken of her here before actually found a way to let her go because it was what she needed and she somehow found her way back into my life as i have no doubt she will always just be a part of my life..
she said call me when you get home i know how these kinds of storms scare you...
i was floored she remembered i called her and talked with her the whole drive home screw the waiting and having my nerves rattled while trying to drive amongst those that do not know how to drive in this shit.
it is good to be talking with her again...it is good to be having her near me again i have missed her during her needed time away to find her own healing to find her own sense of self.
needless to say her family is pissed that she and i are on speaking terms again, they do not want her near that "independent thinking lesbian" they would prefer she be under their thumb at all times and when she is around me i drive her to think...think about things in life she desires and wants not what others are telling her to desire and want. Think about all kinds of different things put herself in her own mind..she never has, she has always out the happiness of her family above hers...she is 42 and damnit she deserves to be happy and damnit she deserves to be herself with out all the criticism she has received through the years from her family. i have always just been there for her...listening throughout the years..I honestly didn't know she was listening too.
I love it when she comes to me and asks me questions about the queer community she heard this or that and has very little understanding, i love it that by the end of the conversation i am able to clear up some misconceptions for her..i love more importantly that she is not afraid of me my life or who i am.
All things in life are good even when there is rough shit its still good.
15 Things to Give Up for Happiness...
Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:
1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question:
“Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” -- Wayne Dyer.
What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?
2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” -- Lao Tzu
3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.
4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.
“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” -- Eckhart Tolle
5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!
“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” -- Elly Roselle
6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.
8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.
9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” -- Joseph Campbell
10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open.
“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” -- Wayne Dyer
11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.
13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.
14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.
15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.
This is also posted on my fb wall..
Happiness
I seem to be on a role of this happiness thing and or just a general all around search for what it means to various people in my life and whether or not they are happy and I do not mean happy because they are in a relationship because to me ones relationship status doesn’t dictate their happiness however the kind of happiness that comes from within that bright ray of sunshine that fills the soul and pours from the eyes.
So I thought maybe I would share a little of my happiness and what happiness is to me
Looking around and asking questions and finding out from other people what it is for them, this makes me happy why you ask because I am a seeker of information I have been all my life, my dad used to ask me if I was writing a book, perhaps someday I would often say.
Happiness for me is what I feel when I see my granddaughters, I had the same feeling when my own were young, the ability to see life through their eyes and their smile’s they haven’t a care in the world and they are genuinely happy, they are happy to be played with to play, they are happy to play games and have adventures and discuss bugs, they are happy to wear their little “princess” costumes and crowns, they are happy to have a play room full of toys they have no idea what to do with..they are happy to just be, around them I am too. When I am around my granddaughters the heaviness of the world is lifted from my shoulders and I feel light inside and my eyes shine because they are giving me that gift if only for a few hours at a time it is a gift from them that I cherish every day. The Saturday before easter they had their picture taken I saw them later that afternoon at their mommy and daddy’s cheer exhibition before Disneyland, during this time the girls and I played follow the leader all over an empty parking lot, we had adventures in the “woods” and the “forest” that were nothing more than a bush to an adult however to the little ones we had an amazing adventure..they enjoyed plates and plates of food, laughter and clapping and smiles galore. My daughter shared a picture of them together later in the week and I snagged it and I put it on my desktop at work so every morning I see them in the same little outfits that they were wearing when we were all having fun that Saturday afternoon. I see the happiness in their eyes and in their smiles, and this, this is happiness for me.
My pup of 6+ years my little sidekick Bear, she is happiness, when we play ball while Im showering or when we go on our walks or when she sits and waits for me to make her breakfast for her, or when she is even more patient with me while she is waiting for me to share my bread with her, when she cuddles up next to me in a storm or fiercely tries to protect me all the while hiding behind my legs, this is happiness.
My adult children all of them to see them when they are together, to see them laugh together and play together, to see them having adult conversations and enjoying each other’s company, this for me is happiness.
Taking long walks, the scent of the air, photographing things that capture my attention, photographing building, water, tress and such this is happiness
Spending time with my friends,in real life or in real time via fb and my other social networks this is happiness
Meeting friends world wide, this is happiness
Spending time with just me, this is happiness
Buying the homeless guy a meal, this is happiness
Smiling at someone because they look sad, even though they may not be, this is happiness
Teaching when I get to teach for me, this is happiness
Being in my element at my job, this is happiness
I do not understand succumbing to being miserable and sad and depressed, i realize that this happens I just do not understand "staying" in it
So I think asking people around me “Are you happy” forced me to take a look at me, and ask myself the same question and you know what having answered my own question, this is how i would respond,
I AM HAPPY
Happiness is where I live everyday no matter what "happens"
Happiness is what I choose to see and live and just be
Please feel free to tell me about your happy because I really am a seeker of information knowledge and understanding of life and it’s magical ways.
Odd how some things work out in life....this weekend was a bit bizarre and yet good leaving me with an all around good feeling to start my week off..
I reconnected with an old friend and she agreed to do some work on my car which I am thrilled about, I have grown tired of paying the mortgage for shops as i suspect most women do, so as my friend was lightly scolding me she asked to see my latest receipt knowing i keep these things oy! anyway she is going to go talk to the shop and asked that i call her the next time i take it in so that they wont over charge me or charge me for unnecessary things...I often times feel taken advantage of because i really do not know anything about engines and stuff and i know a lot of people think i should however I really do not want to...so at the end of the day i got an oli change and some extra stuff done like that flappy thing under the car she put that back up for me and filled my fluids and next week will do some break work. Its good to have reconnected
Ask me to make a quilt or do research and im on it, ask me about cars and engines and well you will probably get a look that screams i really have no clue.
I used to be embarrassed about this however lately im not i understand perfectly well i have no understanding of car maintenance so im not worried, i have other skills this one i do not need besides im not trying to get my hands all greasy and stuff nor am i trying to break a nail doing such work...
I do know for oil my car performs best with a synthetic blend so i have always gotten a synthetic blend and a 59.00 dollar oil change always costs me upwards of 200.00 all because the shops tell me i need this or that and they sell me on it because really i don't know so i think they must be telling me the truth but it happens all the time they see me coming...
so to have my friend do this for me made me feel good and somewhat relieved.
life is bizarre at times...
11/5/1949-04/19/2002
dear Dad,,,,
this song reminds me of us
2uRtNMFfF-g
you were truly an inspiration in my life. dad, your little girl is doing well thought you should know.
love,
feather <--Ill never understand that nick name...however i have grown rather fond of it.
You are remembered and I am reminded that it's all for not
Not a day goes by that there isn't some sort of memory and a reminder that life is precious and all too often taken too soon
Not a day goes by that i do see all the sill shit we do, and we call ourselves free
We are slaves to our jobs and responsibilities,slaves to governments, states and military's
You are remembered and I am reminded
Not a day goes by i don't wonder what the fuck its all for
The struggles, the pains, the frustrations, the rains
You are remembered and I am reminded
Of your smile, your laughter and your patience too.
Your zest for life and all things good.
Your happy and sad and irritable moods
Your sandy blonde hair and eyes of blue
Not a day goes by
You are remembered and I am reminded.
Love Little Heather Feather
Dedicated to my Dad
Franklin D. Steele
11/5/1940-04/19/2002
oh i made for the first time in ten years i did not cry myself to sleep on th e19th of April, im not sure if my dad would be proud or pissed lol Id like to think he would be proud.
I do not dream of him very often however when i do i always wake up in tears.
The first year i didn't dream of him at all and this bothered me heavily, i would wonder why he didn't come visit me in my sleep especially because that first year was the hardest for me not just because he was gone however because my whole life got turned upside down, I mad changes, changes in me and changes in my then long term relationship, i began to realize the things in life that were important, like taking the time in life to smell the flowers to appreciate the seasons of life and all they have to offer.
I began to see my relationship for what it was unhealthy at the very best and then one night she literally tried to kill me, i had moved to the couch and had been there nearly a year and i guess she knew i no longer loved her, thing was I did love her i just didn't love our relationship and i despised how she treated people and animals and i was just plain ole done. so I got the hell out, gave up a 6bdr 4 ba house, traded that for a little 3 bdr apartment and some sanity and some me time and space. I took the time i needed to begin to heal.
When i did dream of my dad, i was following a path and i looked up and saw a stairway that led to a "hall" and i saw my dad standing at the top looking very young 30's maybe, so i started to climb the stairs and it seemed to take forever to get there when i did reach the top he gave me one of his famous hugs and told me he had people he wanted to introduce me to, he was excited like a kid and off we went and he introduced me to "bill w" and many other famous AA folks, and as i struggled to get the words out "dad are you all right" he responded with "I'm good, I'm with my people". It was quite profound.
I kept all of my dads AA chips and his wallet, after ten years i can still catch his scent on the old worn out leather wallet that carries a pic of me from when i was a kid and holds pics of my kids.
If i could tell him one thing today it be
I'm good dad, i'm with my people.
I have been feeling a bit cranky the last couple of days and i do not like it when i am cranky blech...i have a cycle even though i do not have a period anymore i still seem to have a cycle and usually takes me a minute or two to get get over myself when i get cranky.
it started off with an email from a friend talking about a gay president, that conversation continued on yesterday via email when she made a comment about 2 men kissing is showmanship this struck a raw nerve with me so i reeled back thought about my response so i didn't chop her head off cause trust me i wanted to her bigotry was screaming at me and it was most frustrating...after giving her comments much thought i made statement to the fact that if a candidate showed a male/female kissing at the end of an ad it would be acceptable so why is 2 men kissing showmanship?
for that i got these words "your being over sensitive" <---now those words right there earned her absolutely no fucking response from me whatsoever...i was doing alright till she said that!
I despise bigots
so i attended a spring dance last night yay it was awesome lol it was for us old folks and i mean that in the highest respect and regard...me and my friend were cutting it up because we both knew we had to be up fairly early for today's events and such and how a 7-9 dance was just perfect, i love my friend she is an amazing woman and when i told her omg dude im gonna so be overdressed for this thing coming right from work and all, she said then i will overdress too and she did and i loved it...I saw so many people that i know and got lots of hugs that always a great thing to get hugs from your fellow sisters. My friend and I danced till 11 oops at 10 mins to ten i needed my pillow i was that tired however i stuck it out. After having an email conversation that pissed me off this dance was just what i needed to be surrounded by my people
i am glad for the weekend no doubt...
15 years ago i would have been a fly on the wall at one of these dance to shy to even dance..10 years ago i never would have freely given nor received hugs because i think i must have felt like i didn't deserve them or something..now i give hugs freely and i receive them freely because hugs are good for the soul as are smiles. Now i dance because i love to dance, mind you my knees both of them give me shit for a few days following however i dance anyway because dancing is good for my soul. I have quite possibly the worst singing voice ever and yet i sing anyway why because it gives me that deep down good feeling so I'm going to sing..just not with a chorus lol.
I love where i have come from and where i am at now. I love how much i have learned and how much i continue to grow as a person even when my limits are pushed i still love it, it keeps me in check and on a constant path of development.
Im going to end this today with a great big smile and know there is peace within me :)
1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did
.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward
perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
(Taken from http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to…
it has been an all around relaxing weekend, i spent a couple hours at the pool yesterday and today about 3.
im glad my granddaughters are little in means when buying clothes for them for their birthdays it costs less and even though i have anxiety when it comes to shopping i managed to do ok today and get the girls bathing suits and aleese her little outfits and a little mermaid swimmer doll she can take in the tub or pool with her. and now im done and i am proud of myself because i wont panic next week when its her bday cause its already done...yay.
i wish i didn't have this anxiety situation however i do so i work within in. maybe someday ill be able to go shopping and not think about it...
Aleese...Happy Birthday My Little One
I cannot believe you are already going to be 4, when you were born your sister and i walked the hall hand in hand as they took you and your mommy off for a c-section, you hooped and hollard for months and often times it seemed as though you would never get through the collic, i sang to you it always calmed you im sure though you would have plugged your ears if you could have but it seemed to calm you so i sang to you and for you. when you were between one and two it seemed like you wanted nothing much to do with me, and now that your going to be 4 and yes i realize your birthday party trumps mothers day as it should and that a jumpy house is in order and tons of fun shall be had just for you to celebrate you little one.
I love how musically inclined you are and how you love it when i get you musical instruments and such. I love how we share a love for the color purple..i love how you always want to sit with grandma, you are as different from your sister as night is from day and yet you coexist as the sun and moon in harmony with each other.
You are truly a blessing my little leesie and i am proud to be your grandma.
ps...when your sixteen you can bet there will be more than one person interviewing your perspectives.
somehow i sit here in shock that my eldest is 26 today and yet im ever so proud of her and how she is a woman/ a person and a mother.
her little ones are well behaved and adorable and all this due to how she is raising them with a firm hand and a gentle heart they are disciplined and all this is due to their wonderful mommy...and yet she will give me credit and it always blows my mind she says how do you think i learned to be a mom? She is a wonderful young lady...
She was born at 4:09 in the morning i was 2 weeks shy of being 16 im sure everyone around me must have thought she is so young she will never be able to do this and yet i took to being her mommie like there was no tomorrow, i did not utilize my parents as babysitters if i couldn't take my daughter somewhere i probably shouldn't be going anyway that was my theory in life anyway at the time...before she was 6 months old i was living on my own and i never went back..i never looked back either. It tougher than nails being a teen mom, finishing school and paying bills which meant having a job, its not something i would ever do again mind you however i did it and i did it proudly.
This kid saved my life even though i did the work her mere presence and birth triggered saving me.
And now she is 26.......and i am amazed and ever so proud to be her mom and be a part of her life.
I remember them laying her on my belly and making eye contact with me, i remember that moment as though it just happened.
~ocean
05-20-2012, 10:21 AM
(((( your daughter )))) happy birthday !! pass that on gaea . :) it;s awesome to look at your child as a mom and friend and most of all respect who they r . I always tell my daughters I not only love u ..i like who u r :) enjoy ur day w. ur family ~
(((( your daughter )))) happy birthday !! pass that on gaea . :) it;s awesome to look at your child as a mom and friend and most of all respect who they r . I always tell my daughters I not only love u ..i like who u r :) enjoy ur day w. ur family ~
I will and thank you...so far im enjoying the time with audree and aleese. :)
As i looked upon my daughters tonight both sitting there with margaritas in hand both old enough to be doing that missing was my son, as he lives in vegas with his fiance. I am completely amazed at life and where it can take us where we can go with it. I am amazed and the beautiful people my daughters have turned out to be I am amazed with my granddaughters every time i get to be with them and spend time with them, I am amazed that they will run into my arms shouting grandma, i am amazed just amazed.
When my daughter was born i had no plan of how i was going to take care of her financially i actually had no clue, what i did know is i would do it i would figure it out and i would just take care of her, 4 years and 2 kids later i was on my way and so were they growing at a rapid speed and with each year passing...and i was taking care of my kids and no one was going to tell me i was a bad mom, i was stubborn then hard core stubborn..
I was 25 when i came out of the closet blew the doors off more like it, my kids were 9,7 and 4 and i raised them to know that everyone has a story, everyone is unique and everyone has the right to be who they are, i raised them to not be prejudice or carry that, i raised them to help others in need, i raised them to give more than they received, i raised them to know they could love whom they chose and it was all right. I was raising myself as well.
Now i wake up this morning and my daughter is 26, I do not wonder where the time went, i know where it went, i was with them sharing life with them experiences with them loving my kids.
I do miss them being little though and i suppose this is really about reflecting on their youth, i also suspect this is why i get a kick out of spending time with Audree and Aleese, they are for sure the glint in my eyes and the ache in my knees, they are a blessing in my life. I have a picture of my kids on my refrigerator, it was taken the year i came out, my sister returned from a trip to Alaska bringing all my kids tshirts adult size tshirts, ashlee has stefanie on her hip to her right is nathan and they are all three waving and they all three have the brightest smiles on their faces, this picture every morning brings a smile to my face. I remember taking that picture, it was their mommy holding the camera.
Would life have been different had i come out in junior high when i knew there was something "different" about me, as opposed to an adult, im sure it would have, in fact i have no doubt it would have. I may not have had my kids and for that mere fact alone i am grateful i came out when i did.
In the course i have taken these last 5 months in my own healing the actively healing one day at a time, one moment at a time I have come a great distance with one of the things in life that has always held me back or triggered some sort of negative feeling inside and I longed oh how i longed to be able to do the things i saw other women do, shop at ease and not think about it..
I still think about it when i go shopping however i am getting better at it, I am the type that has always go in get what i want get out as fast as possible and try not to have anxiety at the register or before i get there.
I have many many times gotten to the point that i will just leave a cart because there are too many people and too much emotion in those small spaces..
Where i grocery shop i know exactly where everything is that i get, when i went grocery shopping friday night i actually veered off and found i could get a different brand cheaper of some items and i was proud omg ever so proud of myself for being able to do that..silly as it sounds.
On Saturday morning i got up early, i had to go to the store and replace the bathing suits i had gotten the girls cause the ones i got them were too big, this seems like an easy task however for me it is not, i get tangled up internally and often times will find myself getting upset, however i was on a mission and being on a mission often times will assist so that i don't get tangled up internally. Bathing suit replacements accomplished.
I also was able to get myself a few long skirts, i have been wanting some and then i didn't know if i was even worth it..and i wonder do other women suffer this feeling of "not being worth it" when it comes to getting them self something? I had to text a friend and ask her to please tell me im worth it for a skirt..where does this come from ? I know, I know where it comes from and this is part of my healing.
Years and years ago, my mother she didn't do laundry instead she would go to thrift stores and buy clothes worn out clothes clothes she thought cute...clothes i actually hated, shoes fit to embarrass anyone, and she would drag us along and she would spend hours upon hours and often times it felt like an all day event. I remember in the 5th grade she had purchased boots for me right out of the 1800's lace up black oh my she forced me to wear them i really had no choice as she wouldn't buy me any other shoes. she didn't see my tears on the playground when the other kids laughed at me, she didn't hear me when i told her i was being teased over these boots relentlessly, she didn't seem to care. so one day while i was at school i cut them, and she had no choice. I remember the once a month trips to the laundry mat it seemed never ending. My mothers obsession with shopping often times proved to be an all day and evening event at a laundry mat never ending piles of clothes. Get over it some might say, Im working on it is my answer.
I keep a simple wardrobe, a wardrobe of mix n match, everything i own can double, i keep my clothes clean neat and pressed and i never have piles and piles of laundry not when my kids were young and not now. It bugs me when clothes are thrown on the floor, i doubt i will ever get over that.
today i am wearing one of those long skirts i got for myself, today i feel good about it, today im one step closer.
so i had been living on my own it just seemed easier not to deal with other peoples bullshit and antics and well I'm kinda stubborn when it comes to hard core drug use and alcohol in my house, i do not want it around nor do I feel I should subject my self to a drug addicts ways. well I got a roomate and all was well until I started suspecting drug use. so I confronted the roomate and of course she lied to me and denied this behavior and tried telling me that it was her friend that was using drugs, please dont bullshit me, I've been around the block and I despise it when people take me for stupid.
so now she gives me a ten day notice which I'm ok with.
she need not be in my house on drugs anyway.
this brings me back to trust...lots of reasons I don't trust people this being a major one for me.
I hate drugs and what they do to people.
I wish this girl no harm, however my safety is important too
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