Important things I learned from past relationships

[Quintease]

I feel like I spend all my time on here focusing on my past bad relationships, whereas most of mine have been really good! Of course memories are always slightly tainted by breakups (which are never nice) but I always walk away with something valuable, no matter how awful the relationship.

I learned I had a beautiful voice and that I could sing from the first person I truly loved. I learned about dirty, kinky sex from another relationship which unfortunately turned dirty and nasty. I learned that organisation isn't that hard, from someone I admire to this day, and I learned that I can write from a relationship which left me broke:sigh:

What important things have you learned which you can't now live without?

[girl_dee]

my need for kink!!! my first Sir taught me that :)

my love for doing bodywork, i was told i had a gift and i listened, i went to school for it and it's what i do today

my photography is decent and that i can actually sell pictures sometimes, i loved selling them at the resort and in town in Oregon and now online.

my first real love showed me that i am really queer, RIP Hazel

remembering the good stuff is important, i've had some good times in my life!

i am learning so much in my current relationship, which will never be a past relationship, that i could burst.

[macele]

i've always known the type of person that elevates who i am. but i wasn't lucky enough to keep her. she taught me the very thing this thread is about. she taught me to leave "the room" better than when i walked in "the door". she left me with a deeper meaning. she looked behind the blade of grass, ... it's never ending. life is about discovery.

i miss her, always will.

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

I have expereince beautiful love. Nasty raw love making, Cold fish, truth and lies.

I also know that not all women are the same,there are great ladies in the world worthy of love and trust.


My quote
Do not tell me who you are.... show me.

[deedarino]

My past relationships have helped me to set my limits...what I want and what I need. And how to forgive.

[Mr Nice Guy]

My past relationships taught me about what I really want in a relationship. That's probably why I've been single for so long. I won't settle and I can wait forever if need be. I want the real thing that will last a long long time.

[Gemme]

I learned how to survive them.

[Cin]

I learned that it is just as painful to break someone’s heart as it is to have your own broken. Actually if I am being really honest, it was less excruciating to be left than it was to leave. I was in a relationship for eleven years and I spent the last five of it trying to get free without breaking her heart. Of course it wasn’t possible and in the end I hurt her badly. This changed me and affected the way I experienced love for years after. It was less painful when a woman I was with for six years decided she wasn’t in love with me anymore and wanted to pursue a relationship with a man she met at work. That hurt but because I was the one who was left it was easier.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it’s never easy when love ends, both parties suffer. Until it happened to me I just assumed it would hurt worse to be dumped. Not true. At least not for me.

Promising to love someone forever and then falling out of love and taking back my promise taught me a couple of things. It taught me to be careful what I promise. And it taught me that when love ends for one person but doesn’t for the other there isn’t anything either party can do. It isn’t fair to expect someone to love you when they don’t. And it doesn’t say anything about you. Love just ends sometimes. Learning this made it easier to deal with when I was the one being dumped.

The other thing I learned is that when it comes to love there is never a happy ending. I guess if you die together in a plane crash or something…but other than that it’s destined to be painful at some point. There is always a risk to love. But it’s worth it.

[QueenofSmirks]

I learned to trust my own gut instinct.

[MysticOceansFL]

My mistakes plus how strong I am in my believes and faith.

[Silverseastar]

I learned about pure love, the kind that endures even when the "relationship" ends. My exes are with a very rare exception like family to me. Once I love I love forever.

I've learned to keep my heart open and free even if it means loss. Truth is we always lose in love even if we find the love of our life and are lucky to stay together forever, we someday lose them to death.

[Arwen]

I learned:



That I do like sushi
That I am stronger than I ever thought
That I am able to make and break relationships without leaving myself or taking them apart
That I can go to the movies all by myself
That I can stand up for myself
That I can maintain meaningful friendships that don't require anyone getting nekkid
That I can depend on another human being but not be devastated when they turn to be, you know, human
That my sexual preferences lean wayyyyyyy towards the left of vanilla. Way way way left
That I'm sexy when I'm confident

[jac]

Important things I learned from past relationships...

Who I was then is not who I am now.
I strive to grow and learn from each past relationship respectively.
I do have a voice.
I am more willing to forgive and forget than to harbor ill feelings toward the one I claim to love.
Communication is absolutely key to a successful relationship.
Disagreements are truly healthy as long as they are resolved through love and understanding.
If you put the mind, body, soul perspective into the relationship, as with anything, you can never go wrong.
There is always room for improvement...

[BullDog]

That it is worth the risk leaving a comfortable, long term relationship to go after what you truly need and want (even if it does take more than 10 years to find it)

That it is far better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.

Spending that time being single gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself and gain confidence that you really are not desperate and you will wait for the right relationship to come along and if it doesn't you will be just fine.

That all the mistakes and stumbles along the way do help prepare you for the right relationship and helps you appreciate it even more.

[girl_dee]

i've also learned what i will not put up with

i've learned not to stretch the hard limits, that never works

[Blade]

No you can't change me and I can't change you. If either of us feels that the other needs to be changed, then probably we should just be friends.

[Mr Nice Guy]

To never take love for granted. Did that when I was young.

[genghisfawn]

I am a worthy person.

[girl_dee]

i am worthy, yes !

[princessbelle]

That our journey is important. The people that come into our lives are needed for us to become the best people we can be.

Even when it is tough and some relationships are not good, there are things we can learn from them to become better people.

Being able to stay friends with someone we care about says a lot about character.

That some of us are way better off as friends or acquaintances and should have never went down that "road". Move on, let go of mistakes and heartache, don't dwell on the negative people that come and go in our lives or the negative situations. Just be happy and be proud of who we are.

Learn from our mistakes, dust your boots off and never be afraid of loving again. When you least expect it, your true love can come a'callin. And you will realize the journey was worth it. :)

[WolfyOne]

With the last one, I've learned to open my eyes, so I can really hear with my ears

I'm relearning the independence I once had and lost being in a relationship

I'm still working on confidence and worthiness

Learning that being single the last 2 years was good for me as it helped me clean out cobwebs that have been there way too long

[girl_dee]

i also hope people from my past learned from our experience together

what to do, what not to do and all in between!

[Amber2010]

Important things I learned from past relationships

Sometimes it is better to stay friends then let it go to the next level.

I will be fine with enough time to heal after a breakup.

The person who I was in a relationship in was important to me and always will be even if it is a bad break up.

[Soft*Silver]

I learned that I made someone else more important than myself and I drank over it. Wont do that again...however, I am ever so grateful for that Truth.

I learned I am unwilling to move across the country on uncertainties.

I learned I am stronger than I ever thought..and ended up doing things I didnt think I could handle.

I learned that I can love so well, and yet have loved so wrong. As Blade once said, my picker was broken and I needed to fix it.

I learned that I will never settle for being second in a relationship ever again.

I learned that I wont do exes in a relationship. Theirs or mine.

I learned that lies are obvious as long as I am not in denial.

I learned that no one can make me happy with myself but some sure can make me miserable about themselves...

[nycfem]

I learned that having everything in common does not mean it's going to be a charmed relationship!

[PaPa]

I learned that if one person shuts down the chance of communicating and fixing the relationship, then it is gone.

[bright_arrow]

From past relationships, I have learned:

I am gay *regardless* of how my partner IDs - it does not alter me.
I am more open to trying new things than I thought I was.
Identifying as femme in no ways weakens me or makes me "less" than my partner.
I am strong.
I can enjoy be pampered without feeling like I should be doing something to deserve it.
Compromise and communication is important.

Most importantly: I am no one's bitch, and no one can walk on me or control me.

[Quintease]

From past relationships, I have learned:
I am gay *regardless* of how my partner IDs - it does not alter me.


Yes that! I've only had one lesbian question my lesbian label. It was one of those topsy turvy situations where she couldn't see my point of view and I couldn't see why she couldn't see.

It eventually came out that she didn't see herself as 100% gay despite being in a lesbian relationship, so couldn't wrap her head around why I still did, despite being with a man.

It's important to hold onto your own ID, which is something I'd learned in a previous (abusive) relationship.

[BoDy*ShOt]

that I had/have work to do on myself.. that I will not tolerate the things I used to.

[aishah]

sometimes people just aren't ready and no amount of me being ready, willing, able, and overcompensating can make it work. being madly in love with someone (even when they claim to feel the same way) is no reason to settle for a situation where they are incapable of giving anything emotionally. even though it sucks and it's really not anyone's fault that it sucks.

[firegal]

The calm of being alone......

Make sure life changing decision arent made under emotional duress!

[Rocket]

I learned that if one person shuts down the chance of communicating and fixing the relationship, then it is gone.

:yeahthat:

[JustJo]

That what people say is never as important as what they do....watch their actions and priorities, and they will show you who they truly are better than their words ever will.

[JJWinks]

I learned that I have a fearless heart and no matter how may times it gets torn apart I can mend it and open it again eventually. Actions speak louder than words. I learned to back up and look a situation objectively and not take everything personally. I learned to set my boundries within my relationships and still be sensitive to my partners needs. I learned to fight fair and never hit below the belt. Somethings you say just can't be taken back. I learned that it's OK to say..." I'll get back to you on that" giving you time to process. I learned It's very important to make time and stay present with you partner without distractions especially if she needs to vent. I learned not to solve her problems and just really listen to her, sometimes that's all she needs.
I learned not to blame myself if things don't workout.

[firegal]

That what people say is never as important as what they do....watch their actions and priorities, and they will show you who they truly are better than their words ever will.

STANDING OVATION! :danceparty:

[Rocket]

STANDING OVATION! :danceparty:

STANDING OVATION! :danceparty:

[nycbutch]

when someone shows you who they are, believe them!!!

communicate----communicate----communicate

you don't have to have everything in common, but it certainly helps to have some things

respect each others differences and make compromises

above all, NEVER lose sight of who YOU are to try and keep someone....be true to yourself!!!

[DeviantDaddy]

I thought that the happily ever after dream wasn't what Disney portrayed.
Sometimes the very best thing you can do for someone, is walk away for their own good.
Being in a great and healthy relationship, does not mean everything is always perfect.
That I am capable and strong enough to truly forgive.
That I can love deeply and can truly love with no reservations.
Love does not go hand in hand with happiness.
Sharing everything should be done slowly and carefully.
That if you ever find yourself thinking... "she can change".. then you are likely better off ending it.

That although happily ever after isn't Disney's portrayal, it can still happen

[girl_dee]

That what people say is never as important as what they do....watch their actions and priorities, and they will show you who they truly are better than their words ever will.

This is SO true.

[Library_girl]

I've learned that every relationship (and everyone) until now has been a dress rehearsal. And just as important.

I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was, and become stronger every day.

I've learned who my true friends are--the ones who can understand what you're saying on the phone even when you can't stop crying.

[Epicpwn]

The most important thing I have learned from past relationships is to never ignore the red flags. You have gut insticts for a reason.

[Prudence]

What I learned from past relationships, is to never have another one. :cracked: :rofl:

[Passionaria]

Well this is going to sound weird but I learned that I have a dream in my heart of what I thought love was, that may not be based on reality. Ever since I was a child, I wanted nothing more than true love. It's been a long time since I was a little girl, and still have not found it. And I can't say that I understand why.

But I do love myself, and I can be my perfect love. Maybe that's all that matters. Maybe I should marry myself!!! I kid you not..............

[Mr Nice Guy]

That my heart always does what it wants as my mind plays dumb. If there's a next time, I'm determined to use my mind and let my heart be the dummy. Another words I'll think before I fall. :)

[DMW]

Not to trust

[Bella~Vita]

That I was too nice !

[Greco]

to be tender...gentle and when to know what
other form of love was called for

too personal? I'll blame it on the music.

Greco

[ruby_woo]

Don't forget to remain your own person and still do your own thing. Don't get lost in somebody else, because you'll be really lost when it's over.

[Luv]

That the 1st few months is the honeymoon stage but once u move in together true colors show

Not to trust

To listen to my head

To never make any decisions right after you get home from surgery and still have drugs in your system,,you make baaaad decisions and that sucks.

That they need to have a job and pull their share,,I hated being broke all the time and not appreciated.

[kittygrrl]

always keep a personal savings account, it's handy in a :jam:

[Julien]

Learn to forgive, not to forget because you don't want someone else to do the same things to you that hurt you before. Forgive that person who hurt you every time you think of them in negative ways. Think of the anger that is behind the negativity and reconcile the ending of the relationship with your emotions. Why? Because we are better than that and we do not want to become bitter over the past relationship, it will only hurt the new relationship.

Loyalty, honesty, integrity are the things I value in myself. I must look for someone with the same values in order to have a solid relationship.

[~ocean]

acceptance leaves room for forgiveness.

[laruss]

I have learned that you get what you give and you are the one who teaches people how to treat you. Relationships are give and take and all about open, honest communication.

[Leigh]

I've learned that we make mistakes, shit happens, no one is perfect but if you work together as a couple then you can do anything

[Kenna]

Giving away the key to the vulnerable part of me that I hide from all others may not be received as the gift it is... but may be the mistake that leaves an empty spot forever void.

[sara-bera]

Being happy is so much nicer than being right.
When I'm in the passenger seat, I need to let the driver do the driving.
Always apologize for hurt feelings even if I didn't intend harm.

[rockstar lover]

What I learned from past relationships....

You can't force someone to feel something they don't. If the love/attraction isn't mutual then it's time to let go. Always be yourself. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

[Glenn]

Status, wealth, face, does'nt matter...at the end of the day...when the chips are down...most folks are looking out for numero uno, and that is the time...when you need your crazy repellent. Don't spray to much, and make yourself sick. Just get yourself and your furkids the hell away. Always ..always... always..I mean NEVER show all your cards(give all of yourself away). Always keep a couple of secret Bullets (Aces) in the hole for yourself for emergencies.

[Corkey]

To be really loved, I have to give her everything I am, holding back hurts not only her but myself as well.
It hurts much less to give everything than to give not enough and lose it all anyway.
That that piece of me I hold may be the piece she needs me to give.
That if I have done everything I can, then I will have no regrets.
Life is worth the giving, because living without her is not acceptable.

[amiyesiam]

To be really loved, I have to give her everything I am, holding back hurts not only her but myself as well.
It hurts much less to give everything than to give not enough and lose it all anyway.
That that piece of me I hold may be the piece she needs me to give.
That if I have done everything I can, then I will have no regrets.
Life is worth the giving, because living without her is not acceptable.

It is about being who you are. There is something freeing about showing another who you really are (something you can not always do in life) and being accepted just as you are.

[yotlyolqualli]

I've learned

...to never give my all to someone who only gives part of themself.
...to learn that the most important relationship I can have with a human being, is the one I have with myself.
...to let go and let God.
...that sometimes my all is not enough.
...that love, not returned, will slowly fade and die.
...that if I have to change who I am, in order to please the one I love, then I am not loving the right one.
...that if the person I love has to change herself to please me, then I am with the wrong one and so is she.
...that if I have to "tiptoe" through life in order to "not rock the boat" I am paddling a sinking canoe.
...that words can be empty and actions speak louder than words.
...that my lie detector is broke.
...that no one can make me happy besides myself and happiness is often fleeting.
...that giving your all to someone who only knows how to take, will drain you dry.

Finally, I've learned that each and every person who touches my life, no matter good or bad, changes who I am and influences who I will become. We never stop learning, never stop growing and there is always room for improvement. I am learning to always remember that I am worthy to be loved as deeply and as intensely as I love. I will never again, settle for anything less.

[Girl Friday]

I've learned that I'm still in love no matter what. No amount of hurt or betrayal can take it away. And that sometimes, no matter how hard you think you're trying, nothing you do will matter if you're not communicating.

[thedivahrrrself]

I've learned that RuPaul is right, you really do have to love yourself first.

[Apocalipstic]

I've learned that just because something looks good on paper, does not mean it will work in real life.

Kind of like Communism.

[Bella~Vita]

Not to get into one !

[T D]

The list is MUCH too long to even begin :cheesy:

[Tommi]

No matter how long ago, no matter how far apart, no matter how big the divide, there is something to be said about being kind to one another then and now.

Well, almost always. :phonegab:

[christeymg]

That it is worth the risk leaving a comfortable, long term relationship to go after what you truly need and want (even if it does take more than 10 years to find it)

That it is far better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.

Spending that time being single gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself and gain confidence that you really are not desperate and you will wait for the right relationship to come along and if it doesn't you will be just fine.

That all the mistakes and stumbles along the way do help prepare you for the right relationship and helps you appreciate it even more.

I couldn't have said it any better. That's where I am right now except I'm still waiting to meet the one I need and want. Right now I'm happy to just be me and really figure out what and who that is.

[Prudence]

I have learned that apparently, I haven"t learned.

[aldebaran]

not to believe all i see on the surface. and not to believe anything that she says, forever after i will have to be shown.

[Scuba]

That it is worth the risk leaving a comfortable, long term relationship to go after what you truly need and want (even if it does take more than 10 years to find it)

That it is far better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.

Spending that time being single gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself and gain confidence that you really are not desperate and you will wait for the right relationship to come along and if it doesn't you will be just fine.

That all the mistakes and stumbles along the way do help prepare you for the right relationship and helps you appreciate it even more.

WORD!! AND WORD!!

[lilapache]

if your gut tells you something ain't right.... turn around and walk away...

[Sachita]

wow I've learned a whole lot. The most important is I learned who I am and what I don't want in a relationship. My friends and family tell me to just go for it, go meet someone, etc etc. But I already know what I'm looking for and in 10 minutes of conversation I'll pick up on that.

I've learned to be good to myself and not expect others to give me what I need. It's been a hard road coming to terms with the ending of a relationship dream and the truth is I might not ever get over it.

I've learned that its pointless to enrage in a power struggle. If the connection doesnt flow naturally then its best to walk away.

[Beloved]

If the connection doesnt flow naturally then its best to walk away.

I struggle with this or some version of it. I try and try and try probably far longer than I should because relationships take work. I guess there needs to be some balance but I don't know exactly what that is. :seeingstars:

[SleepyButch]

I've learned that you should not wait for her to break up with you.. it can take a very long time.

[Dude]

Don't forget to remain your own person and still do your own thing. Don't get lost in somebody else, because you'll be really lost when it's over.

I love that you said this.
I have two sisters in long term marriages and I have to say I never
want a long term relationship of mine to resemble what they have.
They are both completely dependant on their husbands for everything.
The only thing they do "without" their husbands is go to work
or the store.
No outside friends , no outside activities ever feels so smothering to me.
A car ride to visit me "alone" (45 min drive) is way too scarey for either of them to even consider, let alone attempt.

It's like they have had their sense of adventure completely sucked out
of them. I really dont get it. (w)

[Ebon]

Like Sachita said I've learned a lot and know more about what I don't want.

[GreeneyedMe]

I have learned NOT to trust the words I Love You. Don't SAY it, SHOW me.

[~ocean]

theres the upside of all this as well, u learn form what u liked and still do , u now know urself..better :) ~~ the great memories that u want and should hold on too !~~ funny thing about life ~ it;s for living :) ~~

[Mike]

when its over, its over move on

[girl_dee]

when its over, its over move on

Exactly.....

[femmedyke]

Might sound silly but my past relationships taught me how to love; both myself and another. Deep thoughts for a girl under the covers with her kindle :heartbeat:

[bright_arrow]

Despite how miserable we were together, we each deserve our own happiness.

Just because someone treated you one way, whether good or bad, does not mean the next person will, so do not hold them to standards they don't know exist, and don't blame them for someone else's faults.

I learned erasing handles and making a new e-mail and a new handle help put a lot of the past behind you, instead of constantly being bombarded with it - especially helpful if you hold grudges/were very invested, and have trouble being civil to them LOL

[Gráinne]

*You can learn a lot about your love interest in the first hour of the first date. If you're out for a meal, pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff.

*Don't shackle yourself to someone who doesn't make you laugh, and definitely, 100% not with anyone who makes you cry.

*If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Don't make excuses or second-guess yourself.

*You attract what you think you deserve, even unconsciously. The healthier you are, the better partner you will be, and you will attract healthier people.

*Accept the other person as they are that very moment. They're going to change over a years-long relationship, sure, but not on your schedule and not always the changes you want.

*Don't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons (which is just about everything except that you are full of love and health and want to share that with a special person). That includes pressure, horniness, guilt, or even boredom with your life. BTDT, all of them.

*A relationship doesn't always end because the love ends. Love can't fix everything.

[LadyHilary]

I learned to trust my own gut instinct.



I learned what it felt like to ignore my gut instinct.

I learned how to compromise myself.

I learned how to be afraid.

My true nature is one of positivity, and with that, I know so much more of who I am now, I know that I may not compromise my core, because it is beautiful and true, I know how very strong I am and I will go down fighting to protect myself, my self preservation is intact. And I know to trust that inner voice.

and the crazy thing, I miss the good parts, I miss the potential of what might have been...old fashioned Catch-22

[Nomad]

*You can learn a lot about your love interest in the first hour of the first date. If you're out for a meal, pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff.

*Don't shackle yourself to someone who doesn't make you laugh, and definitely, 100% not with anyone who makes you cry.

*If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Don't make excuses or second-guess yourself.

*You attract what you think you deserve, even unconsciously. The healthier you are, the better partner you will be, and you will attract healthier people.

*Accept the other person as they are that very moment. They're going to change over a years-long relationship, sure, but not on your schedule and not always the changes you want.

*Don't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons (which is just about everything except that you are full of love and health and want to share that with a special person). That includes pressure, horniness, guilt, or even boredom with your life. BTDT, all of them.

*A relationship doesn't always end because the love ends. Love can't fix everything.

such a great point. sometimes you arent on the same page or right enough with yourself to be right enough with someone else even if you do love them.

there's always something good in you and in the person you love even when there's something not working in your behavior choices. i learned that self-respect and having loved one another for so long means you can find a few small ways to be kind to one another during a breakup. there's nothing more representative of honest love than watching the person you broke up with try to be sweet to you or watching them struggle to respect your decision. there's a lot to admire in someone when you're breaking up with them and they still find ways to love you while helping to dismantle the world you made together. i learned that i never stopped wanting the best for them and always wished there was a way i could have said "i'm still on your side". even now, when i have small victories or do things that i couldnt have done in the past, i wonder if they would be proud of me because i really always wanted them to be proud of me.

[KayCee]

i learned that i never stopped wanting the best for them and always wished there was a way i could have said "i'm still on your side". even now, when i have small victories or do things that i couldnt have done in the past, i wonder if they would be proud of me because i really always wanted them to be proud of me.

This really touched my heart Nomad. It's so sweet but also kind of sad....but I know exactly what you mean.

[lilapache]

that all the amount of words are nothing... unless they area shown also...

[Syr]

Never, ever go back.

[laruss]

Some things I have learned from past relationships...

Patience.
To be true to myself.
Pay attention to the Red Flags in the beginning.
Be open to what can happen.
Compromise.
How to live well with others.
How important it is to be heard.
If it feels right do it, if it doesn't then don't.
Sex is way too important, not a place I am willing to compromise, sexual compatibility is a must.
Don't marry a gay man when you are in love with a woman.
Life always moves forward.
And most importantly... To Love fully, no matter how much it might hurt when they are gone.

[~SweetCheeks~]

I leanred a lot from past relationships and yes it's true not all lessons in life are learned the easy way.

I am worth a whole lot more than I let myself settle for in the past.
I am a heck of a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be.
To really listen in the beginning if they are a good match you will know.
To see the relationship for what it is not what I hoped it would be.
Never stay because you feel obligated to.
That through all the hurt and pain, I still wish the other person happiness.
When your intincts say something isn't right listen.

I am sure I learned a lot more but these are some important ones for me.

[Ginger]

I learned that break ups bring out the worst but also the best in people.

When N and I broke up we had a house and an apartment and ten years of shared stuff. There was not one moment of haggling or fighting over assets. It went like this:

You take it. You always loved that thing.
No, you take it. It meant so much to you.

I spackled the holes in the wall from framed prints I removed, and touched up the paint, then moved furniture around so it wouldn't look so empty. She mailed me a huge box of Christmas presents, because she knew I was alone that first year, in another state.

We might not have been in love, but we trusted each other. That's what got us through the divorce.

From other breakups, I've learned:

If it isn't real, the pain will disappear fast.
If it is real, if there is love, it might take longer to get over, but the lessons will be deeper.

Honestly though, I'm a slow learner in all things, especially those involving my heart.

[Apocalipstic]

I've learned that I am very different from who I thought I was.

I've learned that I don't have it in me to be everything for someone. I get overvigilant and weird.

I've learned that expectations just ask for dissapointment.

I've learned that Thanksgiving alone is not so bad, especially when you are allergic to turkey.

I've learned that sleeping with someone can often take away objectivity. For ever.

[weatherboi]

i learned if coming home to no furniture happens...don't believe em when they say they ordered new stuff. verify verify verify!!!

[Blue_Daddy-O]

Keep Loving.

[Ginger]

Keep Loving.



I guess that's the ultimate lesson.

I think we live longer when we love other people, too.

[Blue_Daddy-O]

I guess that's the ultimate lesson.

I think we live longer when we love other people, too.

:) Yes, I believe so. I don't know about living longer. LoL. I have never wanted to be the one left behind and when my health goes I hope to go quickly instead of lingering on. But, definitely happier while alive. When our hearts are full of love there is less room for anger, for sure. Although, I do stay angry about worldly issues. ;)

[Breezy]

Forgive everything, this includes me and the other person.

Always love with an open hand.

Always show/share love. Each relationship is never with the same exact individual over and over again. It is a new love, a new person and another chance to give and receive love.

Overlaying the past upon the present is unproductive, useless, negative and gauranteed to doom a relationship.

Stay in joy. Seek joy. Give joy.

Have lives which include shared and sepearate interests.

Making love is important.

[2qt]

Most important was to value myself a little more and know my needs and wants are equally as important in the relationship....

To not have the expectation that they can read my mind and know what I am thinking no matter how many years we have lived together......

To keep the value of friendship, take the time out to visit them, have that girls weekend away, or just a girls night out so they never feel lost in the transition of my relationships......

To let the past go and not bring it into my today so my future partner will never feel that they are like them or simply not good enough as the last......

To never go to bed on an argument always let them know they are loved as it might be the last night you sleep in the same bed together....

To not focus on those small nitty gritty annoying things that are in the end not that important....

To say I am sorry when I know I was wrong without putting up my walls......

And to not rush love, if it's meant to be it will happen naturally without forcing it......

[NorCalStud]

My perspective...when that changes...I am in trouble. Im learning to control my outlook with what comes up. It becomes a filter. Can groove with anything if ya got a good perspective

[Breezy]

Functional communication is key.

[FeminineAllure]

Lessons learned...Many

Listen to your intuition

Never settle

Once a liar always a liar

Did I mention never settle?

[Bevidotcom]

Lesson: Try not to let a bad relationship embitter you...it's ugly.

[Mrs Arcstriker]

Might sound silly but my past relationships taught me how to love; both myself and another. Deep thoughts for a girl under the covers with her kindle :heartbeat:

How true! Thank you so much for saying this...

It took me until (checking my watch)...right NOW to fully understand this. I have loved with all my heart several times in my life before finding Arcstriker...and it wasn't until I was fully okay with my whole life that I realized that I chose those that I loved because they had extraordinary qualities that meant something both deep and rich to my soul and being.

In the end, true happiness for me has meant accepting that though love may have died it didn't minimize its pure existence in my life in some suspended place of animation. In the final analysis, as I look back on every person I ever proclaimed love for, I wish them all the best, and I wish them all as much peace and happiness as I have found.

[FemmeBibliophile]

Some important things I've learned:

Once a liar, always a liar.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Second chances are for the bird. Why mess with broken glass?
Don't let past relationships control how you act in future ones.
Let go of the past. Otherwise, it can choke you.
Let go of the bitterness. Simply move on.
Don't say "well so n so did it this way".
Never let someone walk all over you.
If there is nothing good about a single ex... know the same will hold true for you.
Watch out for explosive tempers. Being on "T" isn't an excuse.
Mental/emotional/verbal abuse is just as painful as physical.
If they hit you once, they WILL hit you again (and I'm not talking BDSM wise).
Don't become something you aren't.

[durrrrrrrr]

Some important things I've learned:

Once a liar, always a liar.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Second chances are for the bird. Why mess with broken glass?
Don't let past relationships control how you act in future ones.
Let go of the past. Otherwise, it can choke you.
Let go of the bitterness. Simply move on.
Don't say "well so n so did it this way".
Never let someone walk all over you.
If there is nothing good about a single ex... know the same will hold true for you.
Watch out for explosive tempers. Being on "T" isn't an excuse.
Mental/emotional/verbal abuse is just as painful as physical.
If they hit you once, they WILL hit you again (and I'm not talking BDSM wise).
Don't become something you aren't.

I couldnt of said it any better. especially the things you listed that I highlighted in red

[Medusa]

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change. :)

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

[Heavenleahangel]

One thing that rings true in my head is what my Mama always said: "Ya can't hide crazy for long!" My gut instincts are usually spot-on and if I think something just ain't quite right, give it time...they may be on their best behavior *now* but like she said: Ya can't hide crazy for long!
You can't truly love someone until you know their good side and their BAD side.

[PinkieLee]

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes :) We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

[cinderella]

...not to trust, or believe so readily. Like they say in a popular commercial: "Show me the Carfax"...

[Rockinonahigh]

I finaly learned to listen to my inner red flag warning,once I use to think I was being just over cautious,not any more.I will try not to make snap judgements but it the RFW(red flag warning ) pops up I back away and give them space.Corse I have been wrong a time or two cause that were going thrue something at the time but for the most part I fine the RFW is right on.

[asphaltcowboi]

not to make her my priority when im only an option
not to take to heart things said during a beak up .. but do analize them. if its something that has been said before maybe consider changing that habit.
when my relationship is on the rocks maybe its time to put my friends aside and focus on our problems. my friends will be ok with out me for now.
not to take advice from others about my relationship.(they dont know just how things are)
dont toss up someones past actions,lifestyle,or words every time there a heated discusion.
never club lovers into a catgory like your the same as every other butch/femme ive knowen.
never think you better or worse then anyone.. we are all equil.
we have all done things wrong in the past and the past needs to stay the past an not used as a tool to get one up on the other.
win lovers fight there is no right wrong or winner.

[WingsOnFire]

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes :) We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

I have to say that these are all things I have to agree with. Great advice!

[JustJo]

I'm with Medusa in that I believe people can change....

I also believe that people don't ever really change for another person...they change only because they really want to, and are willing to do some seriously hard work.

For me it boils down to "actions speak louder than words" and this...

http://bitsofwisdom.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/imagesrelationship2.jpg

I've been in relationships that nurtured all the worst parts of me....jealous, angry, insecure, resentful, exhausted and pissy....and relationships that nurtured the best parts of me....caring, providing, nurturing, protecting and loving.

At this point in my life I don't know if that's because the first were crappo people while the latter were good....or if every relationship is a mirror, and what is reflected varies as each highlights different parts of who and what is already inside me.

I'm far from perfect...and I don't expect perfection in a partner either.

What I do insist on is that the person I'm with be fundamentally kind, always honest with me, and that the parts of me that reflect in that relationship mirror are those of my better self, and not my worst. If someone brings out the worst in me, then I need to go.

[Kobi]

I'm with Medusa in that I believe people can change....

I also believe that people don't ever really change for another person...they change only because they really want to, and are willing to do some seriously hard work.

For me it boils down to "actions speak louder than words" and this...

http://bitsofwisdom.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/imagesrelationship2.jpg

I've been in relationships that nurtured all the worst parts of me....jealous, angry, insecure, resentful, exhausted and pissy....and relationships that nurtured the best parts of me....caring, providing, nurturing, protecting and loving.

At this point in my life I don't know if that's because the first were crappo people while the latter were good....or if every relationship is a mirror, and what is reflected varies as each highlights different parts of who and what is already inside me.

I'm far from perfect...and I don't expect perfection in a partner either.

What I do insist on is that the person I'm with be fundamentally kind, always honest with me, and that the parts of me that reflect in that relationship mirror are those of my better self, and not my worst. If someone brings out the worst in me, then I need to go.


This rings true to me as well.

If I am not feeling like me or acting like me, it is time to go.

It not a reflection on the other person either. It just means we didnt fit well together.

[Rockinonahigh]

Afue years ago I was in a relationship with someone I really thought knew as we had ran in the same circles for years.First it started off as a working /friendship thing..I know sounds corney but that is what it was.The first two years were all I ever wanted to have..untill one day I saw something that made me do a double take.I wasnt shure what I herd or saw was really what was there so I ignored it,then it happened again,and again.I understand not jumping to conclusions or over analiseing things but when it came to compramiseing my core values by jusy being silent it became a stick in my craw bad.I did voice my thoughts in private with her but it only got worse.I hung in things but over and over it became worse in time till it only took a look or touch or deed to shut me away finaly to walk out on it all.No joke I lost the relationship by my own choseing only to end up loseing the work I had chosen for my life work with anamals(horses)..I sold my own personal horses to keep them safe from harm a long way from hear.Yes,she paid her own price way deeper than mine over time.This broke me in ways I never knew till I started therapy a fue months ago.The things that have come out in the sessions surprise even me,I lost the ablity to trust someone back in my life..I put a wall up of steel to protect me,im only now realiseing how high the wall is or how far it will come down.

[princessbelle]

I don't analyze past relationships all that much.

When it doesn't work it just doesn't.

If it doesn't work for one then it's unfair to stay for the other one, no matter which way the feelings swing.

Then....
when it does work, it just does. (f)

[Sachita]

OMG I was just thinking about this last night and today. I'm doing a lot of soul searching these days. Its like a whole new leg of the journey where I evaluate things and see whats really important. Of course you look back on what worked and what didn't.

The most important thing I learned was to take my time. To look closely and not base my relationships on sex or to fill voids within me. No person can fix you. I've learned to ask a lot of questions and to be careful but at the same time not get all crazy and fearful. I learned to have fun, go slow and if its meant to be it will be. I can't force it.

[Arwen]

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change. :)

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

What I've learned is that people can change but I had to change first. The patterns in my own relationships were due to my choices. Not one of them said I had to be with them or else.

I chose them.

Once I identified my bad choices, I was able to take responsibility for my own actions.

Once I took responsibility for my own actions, I was able to make different choices.

Once I made better choices, I was able to have relationships that, even when ended, were left to the mellow notes of friendship rather than the bitter dregs of "they hurt me".

For me, it's been my choice all along. Once I realized that, it was a different world.

[girl_dee]

People can change! one thing i have learned since Katrina is not to sweat the small stuff and to pick my battles.

Another thing is that circumstances change. Like if i had my overbearing mother living with me, was fighting an addiction and
my housing and finances are not stable it's probably not a good time to move
someone in. I always thought love could fix all but even the best love struggles
under outside stress.

Getting settled and grounded before inviting someone
in is only fair to everyone.

[Sachita]

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change. :)

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!


I believe people can change many things. They can change their proprieties, learn more about relationships and how they relate to the world. they learn lessons and hopefully that propels them forward.

People that are habitual when it comes to lying, deceiving, manipulation etc. there are some who I feel are even psychopathic. These people IMO do not really change.

This is what I've notice with big barkers- they come in like a tornado and fizzle out. People aren't stupid but because they have perfected their line of bullshit and collect a pity party around them until everyone finally catches on. Then all of a sudden they disappear or they float around in the background preying on any newbie who hasn't caught onto their game- yet. lol

sorry but I have no filter for this nonsense. These people don't change. They just change their username.

[juliebrave]

I learned:
Not everything that is asked of me is in effort to control me
I can be very mean
I can be very loving
I can love someone very powerfully
My models were horrible
I can be a better model for my children
Love does not go away when the relationship ends

[~ocean]

hmmm past realtionahips .. 1 very importatnt lesson , theres no right way to break up, only a way to forgive, both of urselves , u cant change what happened, learn to live w/ the respect of the love u once felt, hating only makes u bitter and makes u uglyyyyy.. I'm way to vain for that ~~

[FeminineAllure]

To STOP giving of my time, love, trust and money to the wrong people.
And to learn to receive graciously.

[macele]

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes :) We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!


this post by PinkieLee pretty much says it all. a friend told me a long time ago that if it's just a box of cereal that is mine, ... let there be something in the house that belongs to only me. we do, we need our space and our things.

i am a quote addict, so i'm going to leave you all with two. now the second one, i like to think RuPaul is meaning that we should speak up ... say what is bothering us in a relationship. sometimes we have to get loud about it. since i try to never let anyone hear me say mf, ... it's being typed, you all are not hearing me say that LOL.


“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else!”
― RuPaul

“My goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker.”
― RuPaul

[StrongButch]

That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

[Daktari]

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

Change is possible for anyone. Wholesale change at that. I'm reminded of it every time I attend a recovery meeting.

and in the age of the internet...


Anyone can talk a good life/love/hardluck-story game but you gotta follow them home...in a non-stalkerish, metaphorical sorta way :blink:... to find out the real truth of how they live their life. More simply, don't take everything you're told on face value until you've seen it for yourself in on a consistent basis in real life. No matter how compatible they sound for you.

[Nomad]

i've learned that breaking up leaves an empty spot inside of you when it's the right thing to do and leaves you feeling empty inside when it's not

[FemmeBibliophile]

That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

This is very true. Sometimes it's what's best for you, and sometimes it's what's best for them (even if they themselves can't see it).

[Bèsame*]

Things I've learned..and still learning..

I am not the fixer. I spent too many years trying to fix you, change you to be the better person you can be. What I learned about that, you are who you are. I'm not going to settle for bad habits or traits I don't like. I can only change myself. So I choose to change and not accept those things.

Trust. No matter how convincing you sound, I will always be waiting for the shoe to drop. Naive as it seems, I have trusted to much and it rips me up in the end. You will always have to earn my trust. Thus, the wall around my heart.

[*Anya*]

I have no words of wisdom for anyone else since I have none for myself.

Yet.

Still working on it, as well as insight not gained to date.

[BoDy*ShOt]

my family is just as important as hers.

[Semantics]

Be mindful of every precedent set early on when you're distracted by the newness, because they all become part of the relationship's foundation.


Only take responsibility for your own part in things, because once you take responsibility for the other person's piece you've then set a precedent and they'll expect you to do it forever. I hate to compare a relationship to a legal case, but there can be some sad similarities between the two, and anyone who's been on trial within their relationship knows what I mean.

[Gráinne]

It's fine to take up or show an interest in your partner's interests. That's how we grow and try new things. The danger is if you give up all of your interests for your partner's, if you sense she's not into yours, just to seem more compatible. Or, if you take on activities and values that aren't yours instead of standing for your own.

Don't become a clone of your partner; maintain your own friends and activities no matter how many interests you have in common.

[*Anya*]

Distracting yourself with someone new doesn't really make up for any loss.

It must be processed and dealt with, no matter how painful and no matter how much you might not want to.

[FemmeBibliophile]

That with everyone relationship you learn and you grow. You learn more about yourself, your own expectations, where you give too little, and where you give too much.

[Tony]

Patience really is a virtue.
Communication, communication, communication.
Rugs are for walking on, not sweeping your crap under.
Your heart can blind your brain.

[FemmeBibliophile]

Rugs are for walking on, not sweeping your crap under.

Ditto. Oh and closets are for clothes, not skeletons!

[~ocean]

Ditto. Oh and closets are for clothes, not skeletons!

lol femme & tony this is y ppl should do more housework ~~ just saying ~

[girl_dee]

To be realistic, if it sounds too good to be true, it is.

[cinnamongrrl]

I learned.....

That you can't try enough for the both of you....

And that leaving is sometimes the best thing you can do for the relationship....

You can't make someone love you.....

And you REALLY can't expect people to change....

[Daktari]

If it's on only via the internet then it's not real. Took me a few months to realise this one way back in the day when I started on the internet and it still holds true a decade later.

Don't seek validation by being in relation to another.

Don't allow anyone to think you're a mind-reader and don't expect them to have that talent either.

Don't neglect your own friends.

I know it might be different for you lot over there with yer vast country but here in UK I would say:
Don't move your life and leave your friends before you've spent a year or so together in real time when only you live a couple of hundred miles apart.......................not personally done this one but I've seen (and been support for those who have done it) far, far too many times. It's the triumph of hope over reality. It's a rare to learn from others mistakes but boy did I on this one.

[imperfect_cupcake]

daktari, I've lived in canada and did long distance to the states and I've also lived for many years in the UK - the one thing I learned in the UK is that a) a three hour train ride ain't long distance in my brain. You can still visit each other on weekends. b) there is no way in hell I ever want to do long distance ever again. I'm moving back home in a month, back to the big space and frankly, I think there's enough people within a 100 mile radius that I can find someone I can get along with just fine (because luckily, that includes vancouver, victoria and seattle - many people live in small towns in the middle of buttfuck no where and thus don't have a choice) and I don't want to get to know anyone over the internet anymore. I've been spoiled in the UK by being able to do so.
And now that Plenty of Fish and OKCupid are now widely used in BC I can actually find my kinda dykes now much easier and head out for a coffee to talk instead of blathering on line - though I have to say that outside of London in Southern England, getting people to meet up for a fucking cup of coffee to get to know each other takes about a month of talking on line because people are afraid of "strangers"... yet they'll fuck you the same night they first meet you if it happens in a bar instead of the internet. That does irritate the hell out of me.

But what have I learned? too much for this box.

but the last two relationships I have learned:

marriage gaurentees nothing. People can still walk out without wanting to try. Marraige is a big deal to me, I thought it meant people would stay and work things out. I realise that at the core, really, there is no security. I'm coming to grips with that and what that means and how I should integrate that information now.

It made me start giving my time to studying zen, and although I'm athiest, it has given me a lot of relief from thought patterns and emotional self-torture.

I have learned I care take too much, that it wrecks my relationships and I need to get some help for that. I've arranged to see my old therapist when I get home. To address it.

I've learned I need to be much more forward and solid with my boundaries. I'm a sex worker (legal where I am, and quite a lot safer as a result because I can screen my clients) and the one thing that this job has taught me, more than years of therapy or relationships is how to say NO. absolutely not, don't care, suck it up, end of. I know my limits now. My relationships showed me my boundaries were too soft (see care taking reference) and how that damages things. My job showed me that actually there is greater safety and way less drama with strong boundaries. For everyone.

zen has been teaching me to let go and "fuck it" within the problems I've had in relationships... teaching me how to actually apply solutions to what I've learned in relationships.

I can let go of people and situations now. I just got semi-dumped this morning and after a period of two hours where I was livid, I just sent back a text saying "no worries, no need to discuss it, no drama on my side, just hope you are ok. we'll talk next time we see each other" cause I've stopped caring and stabbing myself with shitty emotions and anxiety.

[Gráinne]

Today I heard an old song that really got me thinking about mistakes I've made. It goes:

Ooh! Baby! You lift me up when I'm down!
Oooh! Baby! You're going to turn my life around!

Certainly, falling in love is a giant pick-me-up. So is falling in love with someone who encourages you to better yourself, to reach your goals. I personally want a partner who makes me want to do just that (not in a nagging way, or even verbally...hard to explain).

I think where I've made this mistake is looking for someone to solve it all, to make the problems go away, yippee! my life is perfect kind of saviour/partner. No one can do that. Only you can ultimately fix your career/family/whatever, or change your attitude.

But the idea of someone swooping in and rescuing their partner is all over the place in popular music, in movies, definitely in books (looking at you, Twilight). We have to be our own heroes :).

[imperfect_cupcake]

yeah, I totally agree. As someone who has a habit of rescuing others (caretaking... oh just let me love you enough and it will magically solve everything!!! no no, it's fine if you bleed all over the floor, just let me mop that up and get you a cushion... and I'll help you[tell you] how to fix it all...)

it's a weird dynamic. I'm every partner's mommy. Nothing makes me feel better than when I'm functioning for someone a little bit helpless (but funny, colourful, zany, aggressive in bed, etc) and being appreciated and wanted for it. and thanked. I feel glowy and happy. but it never really lasts long without going awry.


I have made lists of things that are OK in order to do for people that dont burn me out, and things that do. yet I still find myself doing them. I'm an ass.

[Kätzchen]

I've had very few romantic relationships over my lifetime; but I know by heart that some of the most successful relationships I know of here at home are couples who grew up together, lived near one another, and that they spent considerable time together - before they even thought of living together or tying the knot.

I penned a poem here yesterday based on the legal term "Stare Decisis" - only to find that Semantics used this term too, in noting precedents set early on in the formation period of relationship building. I totally reiterate and share the same sentiment shared by Semantics!

Also, I share the same sentiment expressed by HoneyBarbara: She mentioned the idea of the radius in miles; I believe she said that she felt that there were plenty of potentials held within the 100 mi/radius. I agree with her too, except for me, my radius/mile is more around 250-300 mile/radius. I live in a metro area and I've lived here for over 20 years now. I doubt I would move (if ever), but I could; I just don't know that would ever happen again for me.

These are the things I have internalized over the years:

- Pay Attention: to every single detail about yourself and the person you are attracted to. Be present. Don't ignore things that set off flags on particulars that cause you to take notice of something that either makes you feel good or makes you feel weird or makes you feel very uncomfortable. This is your inner self that is speaking to things that can become deal breakers, later on down the road. Talk about them frankly with the person you have loving feelings for and be highly cognizant of their perspective, the rationale offered for things brought up between the two of you.

-Proximity of location: I won't date or go out on a date or become romantically involved with anyone unless they live in a reasonable proximity of location to me. Meaning, if you live within 250-300 mile/radius of me and we are attracted to each other, chances are that I will be more inclined to get to know you and want to go on a play date with you (play date = hanging out together doing something fun and relaxing; not a formal date, like going out to dinner with friends or a date that includes meeting family, etc). I won't let my heart off the leash if you don't live near me. I do not and will not do the internet date or build a relationship from an internet connection. I just won't do that or go there. The way I see it, the last person who will become a part of my life will live near me and not far away.

- Be Real: I am myself at all times; I am real. I mean what I say and I do what I say and even though I trend more toward the abstract way of thinking, my life mirrors exactly who I am. If something bothers me, you bet I'm going to bring it to our attention because if I like you and have loving feelings for you and I want to be in your life and you in mine, then we have to be able to talk about anything - the good, the bad, and the fucking down right ugly because life is no bed of roses. I won't be the kiind of person who keeps items of interest quietly in some corner to fester into an explosion. I'm not that kind of a woman/person. I have my own reputation at stake, all the time. I have earned every single piece of my life thus far and will own it to the end. I take my responsibilities and duties in life seriously. That's not to say I don't have a sense of humor or a playful spirit about me because I am playful and I do have a wicked sense of humor. How else does one make it this far and not have that precious ocean of life skills? ;)

So there you have it: I'm here for the sense of community. I will only consider a romantic relationship if you and I live within my set paramater of 250-300 mile/radius. I pay attention to every single detail. I hope you do too. And, I am real. *Stare Decisis* :)

[MsTinkerbelly]

I learned from watching my Grandparents 65 year marriage, that "rules" about this and that are not needed. They knew each other for a couple of weeks, married and raised 5 kids.

I've known people that have dated for years, married and divorced in 3 months.

Each relationship will be what it will be, and nothing will change that no matter how we plot and plan.

[Daktari]

yeah, I totally agree. As someone who has a habit of rescuing others (caretaking... oh just let me love you enough and it will magically solve everything!!! no no, it's fine if you bleed all over the floor, just let me mop that up and get you a cushion... and I'll help you[tell you] how to fix it all...)

it's a weird dynamic. I'm every partner's mommy. Nothing makes me feel better than when I'm functioning for someone a little bit helpless (but funny, colourful, zany, aggressive in bed, etc) and being appreciated and wanted for it. and thanked. I feel glowy and happy. but it never really lasts long without going awry.


I have made lists of things that are OK in order to do for people that dont burn me out, and things that do. yet I still find myself doing them. I'm an ass.


Where have you been all my bloody life :winky:

[imperfect_cupcake]

Ha! Tart.

BIT LATE AREN'T YOU

*looks at watch* four weeks. If we tried really hard we could have a very fast intense relationship and break up in three weeks? You could run off with most of my stuff cause I'm not taking it with me anyway.

[imperfect_cupcake]

And if you could run off with my flatmate, that would solve two issues. She's contemplating going lezzo and she will need a place to live.

Thank you for your consideration

[Daktari]

Ha! Tart.

BIT LATE AREN'T YOU

*looks at watch* four weeks. If we tried really hard we could have a very fast intense relationship and break up in three weeks? You could run off with most of my stuff cause I'm not taking it with me anyway.

Tart? Pah! I'm a gigolo dahlink! A good one :groucho: Two referees are what is customary I believe. I can, of course, provide more if necessary :eyebrow:

Lemme see, *consults ipod calender* I could pencil .in for next weekend? There's only The Right Honorable Ffyona Ponsoby-ffyffe-Smyff to service on Sunday evening so I'll have my people contact your people, we'll make it happen.

Just as an aside; Will your worldly goods all fit in a transit van? I'd like to be properly prepared.

And if you could run off with my flatmate, that would solve two issues. She's contemplating going lezzo and she will need a place to live.

Thank you for your consideration

If you pack the flatmate suitably for carriage I'll take her off yer hands with the rest of the stuff. She can rent the green wheelie bin; have you seen the size of those things?

If you could possibly train her in the fine arts of being everyone's Mommy and liking funny, colourful, zany, aggressive in bed chaps before I get there then it would save time and be far less traumatic for her.

:formalbow: I thank you in advance.

[*Anya*]

honeybarbara and Daktari, why has it taken you both so long to find out that you are a natural comedy duo (and that romance might have been a possibility!)?

Right before honey moves to Canada too?

:marketbicycle:

[Daktari]

honeybarbara and Daktari, why has it taken you both so long to find out that you are a natural comedy duo (and that romance might have been a possibility!)?

Right before honey moves to Canada too?

:marketbicycle:

She preferred the southern softies :|


:sigh:

[imperfect_cupcake]

Bril. Yes everything would fit in a small transit van. I've got a client at one on sat, but you are welcome to lay in my bed, overwhelmed by the complexities of life while I kick someone across my living room.
Flat mate likes to be rescued I'm afraid. I kind of found her waif-like and took her in cause I didn't have a partner to look after and the two cats weren't cutting it. But she's Irish Catholic from Dublin so will assume fault for everything, make you laugh a lot and talk shite. Which is a good start. I'm telling her this as I'm writing and she's nodding. She said she wants internet service on the wheelie bin and she has to be able to smoke in it. She's now asking me if you'll marry her and save her from herself. Cheek. I'm doing that but apparently it's no good because I don't have a big cock.

I will slap her later as is required of Mommy role. #goodandpropper

/returning thread.

[imperfect_cupcake]

She preferred the southern softies :|


:sigh:

that's points towards a slap.

[Daktari]

that's points towards a slap.

Oh yeah? You and who's army? :sunglass:




*ducks off quickly to the pit so as not to be tempted to stay awake beyond what is good for a shagged out gigolo*

:fart:

[Vivacious1]

Lots! But for now, I can't be bought. The American Dream is up to each individual's interpretation.

[lilapache]

to not blindly trust
to not believe everything i'm told
that if i have a gut feeling.... go with it

[Soft*Silver]

that sometimes problems are my fault

and sometimes they are not

and I gained the wisdom to know the difference...

[Nomad]

i've learned that i dont always want to know the truth
i've learned that i'm not the person i should have been, but i am still proud of my effort because it was honest and sincere
i've learned that i truly want my ex to be happy and healthy and content, every moment of every day
i've learned that feelings can be hurt even more, despite thinking i'd already hit bottom, but i'm pretty sure i can get up
i've learned that i dont like the person i have become, but that there is still something redeemable about me. i'm pretty sure i can work with what i've got left
i've learned that i'm ruff, and tuff, and alligator strong -- and i'm still "sumthin'else"

[ReDo]

never cheat
if they lie within the first week keep walking
if they make promises that you know can't happen don't wait for them to
if you do leave never look back, don't go back there was a reason you left
don't go to bed angry it isn't worth the sleepless night
think before you react
money isn't everything and it doesn't buy happiness

[Darbonaire]

absolutely true....walking away is VERY hard to do but, in the end self-preservation of mind, soul, & spirit is what you HAVE to do.....you're the ONLY one responsible for your happiness & sanity. Hurt like hell or not......walk away & move forward !

[DamonK]

Don't forget your dreams trying to help them reach theirs.
Ultimately, it is your life, whether or not you share it with another, so do what you need in order to be happy.

[Glenn]

I've learned, before you get too involved, to choose wisely when you learn what their visions and goals are for their future, because you will become a part of that.

I've also learned if you leave them alone too long, they will be gone.

[Blade]

I've learned to steer clear of brickmasons, someone who builds brick walls. If I have to climb a brick wall take a few strides and climb another hurdle get almost to the top and falter. I've taken two steps back and have to begin climbing again. For some it's a never ending process. You might have a long term relationship but a person who builds walls, and you accept that in them, will always build walls. Relationships should have boundaries not walls.

Deception, well that speaks for itself. I'm a trusting soul until I'm not. I'll even give someone several chances to right themselves. Once I put all the pieces together and figure out the game, I'm done. This works equally in romance, friendship, coworkers.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive"

[Canela]

I learned that lies of omission are still lies.
I've learned to cut my losses, no matter how difficult.
I've learned to think/see thru the facade.
I've learned that if I'm expected to make sacrifices to be with him, he should be willing to make some too.
I've learned to value myself by the same standard (or better than) he had for himself.
I've learned to let go.
I've learned that not everyone is who they portray themselves to be, online and in real time.
I've learned to take responsibility for my part in things and be honest about it.
I've learned not everyone thinks like me regarding all the above.

[mustangjeano]

At least half the disfunction was MY issues....

[Nomad]

At least half the disfunction was MY issues....

:yeahthat:

[Miss Scarlett]

Communication is important. If you feel as though you are losing, or have lost, your voice, speak up. The other person can't read your mind and nobody is going to speak for you...

[morningstar55]

...... that somtimes 2 GPS 's are better then1 ........ lol :)

[Nomad]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EljfrMHoYr4/UJGeEgaxHBI/AAAAAAAAaJs/TUVLo4O2RXU/s1600/1candlee.gif



"it is better to light a single candle than to sit and curse the darkness"
Confucius

[clay]

Every journey has its stepping stones...step for the good...

[DamonK]

Have sex. And often. Very. If you can predict when and how and how long, there is something wrong.

[kittygrrl]

there is no such thing as too many of his kisses

[Guy]

If something seems like it's not right, it probably isn't.

[Kobi]

~if it doesnt feel right, there's a reason

~if there is not a plausible explanation for things, there is a reason

~if things change and not in a good way, there is a reason

~you have gut feelings, for a reason

~not trusting your gut is self defeating

Those I have noticed.

What I have learned is, my natural curiosity aside, the reasons behind any of those seldom matter. Ignoring any of them guarantees they will come back to bite you in the hiney.

[KCBUTCH]

I am still freshly single- what I've learned so far is
-I Loved with all my heart-but my heart cannot get through closed doors
-I learned just because it didn't work out doesn't mean I did anything wrong
-I am learning some days are better than other and she still sneaks into me by surprise and that may take along time to heal
-I learned that I am capable a loving immensely
-I learned what sacrifices can be endured out of Love
-I am learning no matter what I think - I cant think my pain away
- I am learning how not to go run amuck to try to fix and shut out the pain, I can feel it and it will go away.
-I am learning-I HURT just as deeply as I loved and it's very draining
-I learned I dont have to stop loving others EVER.

[oksoftbutch]

Communication is paramount.
If that first kiss doesn't spark something for both of you, chances are there will be nothing.
I am sure there is much more....just what I learned from the last short lived one.
:vigil:

[AzAshburn]

The most important thing that I have ever learnt from my last breakup which was three years ago is to love myself more than to love anyone else. I have learnt that I should have some self-respect and do not be so gullible when it comes to love because people can change fast, so does the heart. I have also learnt that what doesn't kill me makes me strong and I should be thankful for the breakup as it has made a stronger and better person. I have learnt to let go if they refuse to stay, because you can never hold on to something that does not belong to you anymore. I have learnt that you can't make someone loves you if they don't feel the same way.. and I have learnt that I should prioritise my own needs and goals to gain happiness and attain success...

I have learnt that a breakup doesn't mean it's the end of the world..

[DaddiBear]

What have I learned?

Most recently, I learned that I deserve to be more than just an option...I deserve to be the only one. Before that, I learned that I will not be held captive by guilt, chemical dependency, and no one will put their hands on me in anger and not pay a price. Along my journey, I have learned many valuable lessons, many of which I cannot directly identify individually because they have become such an integral part of who I am today. What I can say is that I am a better person now because of the lessons learned along the way. I hope that in some way, I have left each person I have had a relationship with a little better, too.

MamaBear

[imadiva]

I have learned that your words can break a heart .
I am not all the mean things you called me ! But , I already knew that ..
When you omitted information it always came back at us.
Nothing is ever perfect but that's ok.
You are your own worst enemy .
No amount of love is enough sometimes .
If you want real communication you need to listen to WHAT the person is saying .
A BROKEN HEART is like a broken promise. But that's ok because what doesn't kill us will teach us very Valuable Lessons . Thank You ! Xoxo

[StrongButch]

1) You will love again.2) Walk away and wish them the best.3) Never look back.4) Take care of yourself.5) Give yourself time to heal.

[Kobi]

~ that I can choose to focus on the good or the bad. Focusing on the good seems to come from a position of strength. Focusing on the bad, from a position of weakness.

~ every woman has taught me some important things about living, loving, communication, and the art of relationships.

~ that different people bring out different parts of me and discovering new and unknown things is kind of exciting.

~ actions still speak louder than words

~ setting limits and boundaries still comes from love and caring

[~ocean]

Listen to friends
Don't put so much of urself out there
Try to be understanding
Don't forget that your are important too
Don't count on promises
Stay independant
Remember there were good times
Focus on new beginnings
Forgive~

[kittygrrl]

love what you have, learn to look at things you consider negative in a different way..love doesn't necessarily mean you are bookends..the universe gives each of us what we need..find your destiny

[TheMerryFairy]

I have learned that sometimes becoming isolated is what you need to really understand who you are and what is important to you in your life.

I have learned to always always embrace who you are completely and find time for the little things to indulge in.

I have learned that you simply cannot please somebody and giving them contol will only result in losing yourself.

I have learned to be free and to trust in my confidence and ability to follow my dreams, to float above my path.

I have learned that life and love goes on.

[KCBUTCH]

My most recent epiphany is that one reason being apart a better part of the last 3 yrs of our relationship before it ended was that I could have Love without compromising my time...I was able to keep my life intact.undisturbed
I recognize this because when anyone upsets the current delicate balance I am used to I tend to become easily irritated and feel like their being invasive.

Its honest...Oh course part of that may be taking 6 six classes and working and any distraction takes me from what I need to do then I get anxious...
Hmmmm dilemma's

OH and Its ok to block or restrict access to her and her family until I am ready to not..

[FeminineAllure]

When you stop trying to control, change, or fix people, and simply love them right where they're at miracles happen.

[FeminineAllure]

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go...

[Girl_On_Fire]

Great thread topic!

I've actually learned quite a lot from past relationships. One, if I'm attracted to you, you're probably in desperate need of being fixed. lol! *shrugs* Maybe that's not fair but it is a pattern with me.

Alright, let's see...I have learned from past relationships:


That I am incredibly strong and resourceful
That I have a great deal of patience
Being a healer truly is my calling
Love can completely blind me
I deserve better
I see the world differently than others
I could never have stayed as innocent and naive as I was and live
I've got mean left hook (Yeah, I defended myself that night)
My family truly loves me


That last one is the most valuable lesson an ex has ever taught me. That my family, despite the fact they didn't understand me in childhood, would defend me with their lives and actually missed me when I was gone for over 2 years. Up until recently, I thought I was merely tolerated.

I've never had a stronger bond with my friends and family as I do now and I'm grateful for every moment with them. I've learned priorities. I've also learned I'm very much a loan wolf. I've always functioned better out of a relationship than in one. Perhaps some day that will change but for now, I'm very content right where I am.

[Glenn]

Anytime anyone is kissing your ass when you have'nt done anything for them yet, you should be very suspicious.

[meridiantoo]

People can lie about who they are because they don't know who they are. We are all at different levels of self-awareness. BIG LESSON.

[DMW]

5UuVlfwAMDw


http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/imgs/080506/Mothers/Moonstruck-Cher_l.jpg

http://www.hark.com/clips/gmmsrrhpsl-ma-i-love-him-awful

0x-fkSYDtUY

[Chancie]

I've learned to ask myself, Does it really matter?

[girl_dee]

that anything less than 100% honestly will end in disaster.

[wahya]

That i was a control freak..and needed to learn patience. Thank you! wherever you may be. :) lesson learned.

[julieisafemme]

That shared values and a commitment to team work are the foundations of a successful relationship.

[~ocean]

let there be peace after an argument~
don't put so many demands on me ~ too much makes me run ~
say positive words ~ not negative thoughts ~
don't repeat and repeat your demands ~notice I am covering my ears ~
notice if treating u right is a HUGE effort ~
ultimatum's belong in business ~ not when romance should be expressed ~
both partners have something to say ~ so listen ~

[bright_arrow]

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaving
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.


Veronica A. Shoffstall

[hagster]

I've learned anger isn't always founded in hurt and when it's present, it's not a good fit. I see that I'm capable of losing my identity and ... I shouldn't write poetry. Most importantly, the manner in which I walk away is as important, maybe more so, as the manner I walk towards. I don't get a second chance to do that right.

On the flip side, I've learned I can choose what I react to. I am capable of giving what I want in return. And ...I want to give.

[DJ Bear]

I learned that if there is no communication the relationship is lost.
Also, when the sex stops, run, don't look back just run like hell.

[VuDu]

That I should be just as important on that last day as I was on the first day.

[SugarFemme]

I have learned that love is not enough glue to hold a relationship together. I have learned that unless I love myself, no one else will love me the way I want to be loved. I have learned that I am worthy of love, and that I have a lot more value as a human being than I gave myself credit for. I have learned to listen to that infallible "voice" in my gut. It has never lied to me, and wants only the best for me. The biggest thing I have learned is that doing the same thing and expecting different results is the crazy-making stuff that made me put my life on hold for too long.

[always2late]

I'm not sure if I posted this already, but it bears repeating. If someone tells you that you are too good for them....BELIEVE THEM!

[Sweet Bliss]

Listen more than you talk

Observe their living quarters closely it speaks volumes about how they are n what they value

Pay attention to how they treat others (friend and stranger alike) soon you will receive the same treatment.
:cherry:

[s0litude]

No amount of gorgeous is worth a lifetime of bat-shit crazy. :-D
Never go into a relationship trying to change or fix someone OR allow yourself to become someone you're not. It never works. Seriously, if you feel the need to teach me how to iron, load the dishwasher, how you like your towels folded, fine... whatever. But me as a person, leave it alone. I'm not expecting you to change for me; I will not change for you. At the core, there has to be mutual respect.
Finances: HER money, YOUR money, OUR joint expenditures (budgeting). Seriously. It's just easier and less frustrating over time.
You can have a friendship after a break-up. If you were both honourable in your relations, then it is possible AFTER the pain and hurt subside and if you BOTH want it.

[~ocean]

Always be yourself ~

[Girl_On_Fire]

Always be yourself ~

And if you feel forced to be anything else in the relationship, run. If you cannot be your authentic self around your partner, you should not be together.

[VintageFemme]

Just be kind. In the end, it's all that really matters.

[Nat]

I don't know who wrote this and I'm google-lazy, but I think this sums it up:

You will carry this suture
Into the future
The past never passes
It simply amasses.

---------------

Also - there is probably no escape - you will likely see them again forever if you live in the same town. I dated a woman briefly back in 2005, and I still run into her. Thankfully, we get along great now, but there was a good year where it was pretty awkward.

[StrongButch]

I learned many positive things: How wonderful it feels to open your eyes and see her smiling face. How to say im sorry. To laugh together as well as cry. To listen and show compassion. To never have any regrets. How to give my heart to another. And after all is said and done remember the good times. Walk away with a smile as well as tears in your eyes. A broken heart does come back to life!

[~ocean]

I learned a long time ago there are more sad songs (esp ctry & west.) than their are tears ~~~ :)))))) ~~~

[Cailin]

I learned, that I need to date a mind reader.

[Glenn]

I learned that all that bullshit is true.
Find a good one and hold on.

[s0litude]

Some people are in love with the IDEA of being in love. They'd rather be with ANYONE (you aren't special) than be alone. Learn to spot them, to observe, so you can "dodge the bullet" and save yourself a world of hurt later. If you make an error on this "type", misjudge things, they will go on to the next person who pays them some attention while you're left reeling, wondering WTF happened.


Learn to spot CRAZY.
Run like hell.

[wahya]

Like Bonnie Raitt's song..I Can't Make You Love Me. it's true..You can't. Long hard lesson learned.

[chris1life]

I learned that when someone starts a conversation with "you know I really love you but..."don't let the finish the sentence pack their shit up and put it on the porch and change the locks. Another lesson is you never really know what's going on in someone else's head

[~baby~doll~]

i have learned if it is not working well let it go with no regret or heartbreak because it will become more painful. i have learned not to allow my emotional attachment to dictate truth. hen it is over it is over.

[kittygrrl]

A leopard doesn't change his spots just his excuses.

[Semantics]

Don't let people try and tell you who you are.

I've been out of the dating scene for quite some time, but this one stuck.

[TheUltimateButch]

I learned to always be respectful............karma.

[Dean Thoreau]

Ok these are my lessons for me; I have screwed up a hell of a lot, and hurt a few folks on the way to learning this shit, and been hurt by a few.
these are some of the lessons i have learned.

Lessons learned over the past 12 years...
1. do not date unless you are really ready to do so.
2. Dont think its love just cause it feels good.
3. dont think you are ready to commit, if you havent had some kind of closure on prior stuff.
4. Even if you think u are sooooo over....take another 6 months before u believe it.
5. Not everyone is honest, tho most all of us try to be.
6. A persons perception of themselves is usually quite different than your perception of them..and visa versa.
7. If you are not ready dont do it.
8. It is better to say, I am not ready yet, then to end up in something and end up hurting other people as well as yourself.
9. All people have baggage, it just depends on whether you carry it around all the time or set it in a safe place and come visit it from time to time.
10. If you cant figure out a way to be involved with your children and keep the "EX" involvement to an absolute minimum, then dont be an ass, dont get involved with anyone else till you have that issue resolved.
11. sometimes its not love its pride or fear, or anger that makes a person do anything they can to keep you, even tho u both know its over.
12. sometimes you just gotta say WTF...pull up your big boi/grl pants and get over it!

[kittygrrl]

Observe if he/she has the basics (ie pays bills on time, thoughtful involvement with parent/s, tips appropriately, dependable, mentally sound) it's amazing what we dismiss/excuse/miss...

[macele]

to say what you mean and mean what you say.

[WolfyOne]

Stop holding on to that past relationship in your heart or you'll never be able to fully move on to a future relationship and hurt everyone that tries to touch your emotional heart.

[Glenn]

If your friend and an ex, who is also still your friend, become "involved", but they argue alot, don't get Yourself involved too much. You may wind up getting your a** kicked by them both!

[Tony]

I take something from every relationship. It's all about learning. No regrets. My last relationship (marriage) taught me to be more sensitive to Her needs. To not take advantage of love. All relationships require maintenance on a daily basis. And I'm all good with that. Now..

[Gemme]

I take something from every relationship. It's all about learning. No regrets. My last relationship (marriage) taught me to be more sensitive to Her needs. To not take advantage of love. All relationships require maintenance on a daily basis. And I'm all good with that. Now..

This. Boy, howdy, did I learn this.

[cinnamongrrl]

Never lose your autonomy....

[Jar]

I've learned to take it slow and get to know each other. Enjoy the good stuff! Build a strong friendship, nurture it and let it grow into a relationship of love and trust. Don't rush it ..... Life will test it soon enough

[Medusa]

Two of the most important things I ever learned from past relationships:

1. My feelings actually matter.

2. My feelings are not the only feelings that matter.

[Breezy]

My past relationships were necessary for me to have the wonderful one I have with Damon, today.

[Graham]

You have to stick with it...good times and bad. It isn't all about sex either. You have to give to get, being there to help one another. To truly and honestly love each other. I have been humbled by the 2 women that have shown me the way.

[Greco]

...that love never dies...and that it energizes my new life, and for this
I am grateful.

Greco

[AnAwkwardAccident]

Never lose your autonomy....

....THIS!!!

[Femmadian]

One important thing I've learned from my last relationship (or rather, the dissolution thereof) is that you don't have to be friends with an ex.

Really, you don't.

It may seem obvious to some (or, well, most), but this was a hard thing for me to accept and come to terms with. I'd always been pretty successful in being able to be friends (or at least friend-ly) with all other exes except for one from a long time ago, so I always thought of myself as one of "those people" who is able to fall into an easy, if gradual, friendship post-relationship. It seemed natural (and inevitable) to me.

Then after my most recent relationship and after many failed attempts at sustaining a friendship with them, I accepted the fact that it doesn't reflect badly on me as a person to not be able to sustain a relationship with someone I cared about after the romantic relationship has ended. It's okay and it's not a failure. You don't have to be friends with an ex at a personal cost to yourself. It's not a moral test to see just how mature and kind and loving and whatthefuck-ever you can be to them. It's not... and you don't "owe" anyone anything.

I somehow thought it was a sign of being a Very Mature Person doing Very Mature Things to be the "bigger person" and keep a past love(r) in my life, even when it wasn't good for me. Even when it hurt. Even when I didn't particularly like them much anymore as it ended because of the things which had transpired during (and facilitated the end of) the relationship. I felt it was normal and justified it to myself with grandiose ideas of "karma" and "the better good" and I thought it was the enlightened thing to do (barring abuse) if you still cared about each other.

And then I (slowly) realized that all that was bullshit. Each relationship stands on its own and is not (or does not have to be) part of some grand narrative of your life. And if you poured yourself unsuccessfully into trying to be a good partner to them, you do not then have to continue this and pour yourself into trying to be a good friend to them, especially when it does not come naturally. Sometimes the kinder, gentler, hell, even friendlier thing is to let go completely.

Forgiveness, if warranted (and sometimes it's not), is something you do for yourself and does not necessarily have to have an obvious, observable effect in the other person's life who is the object of your forgiveness. A relationship with them is not a sign or signal of how far you've come or that you've truly forgiven them and/or moved on (though I recognize it can be for some situations) and it is not something needed or even necessarily wanted by either or both parties, particularly if everyone's being honest.

Give up the ghost.

So, in time I've learned to be kinder to myself and have kinder expectations for my own abilities and what I'm able to do/handle emotionally. It's about allowing yourself to be human and fallible and have negative emotions and experiences and not giving in to an internal nagging of what things "should" look like vs what they actually are. I think it's a good thing and a necessary thing and a positive thing (for me) to have learned.

And to her, for that... I'm truly grateful. :praying:

[MysticOceansFL]

Two of the most important things I ever learned from past relationships:

1. My feelings actually matter.

2. My feelings are not the only feelings that matter

3. Trust my gut instincts

[anaisninja]

Most recently, I have learned that:

1. Mutual attraction/sexual chemistry is a necessary but far from sufficient component of a good relationship.
2. It doesn't matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee; both positions suck and hurt in their own way.

[AnAwkwardAccident]

Trust your gut instincts.
Actions speak louder than words.
Set clear boundaries - if those aren't respected, leave.
Don't rush into an being engaged.

[SirenManda]

I've learned I'm allowed to disagree. In most of my past relationships, disagreeing with someone meant I had to change my mind or be quiet. Now that I can speak freely, many times I've been able to explain my point and he ends up agreeing with me over things.

I've also learned people who don't seem concerned, aren't. We dismiss these things when meeting someone because of butterflies. Looking back, I overlooked a lot with people in the past.

[TruTexan]

1. that MY feelings are important and they matter and should matter
2. that if they can't listen and hear at the same time then for me its time to walk away
3. that if they act like my feelings don't matter and do stuff anyways that it's time to walk away.
4. that some people think yelling is a change in tone of voice doesn't always mesh with my definition of yelling which means at the top of your lungs.
5. leave the past in the past and stop bringing it up
6. that it's okay for me to stand up for myself
7. that I've changed over time as to what is acceptable behavior from friends and relationships
8. that I need to put myself first because no one else will.
9. to take care of me first

[~ocean]

past is the past ~ I grew from my marriage of 17 yrs .~ hy never hurt me as a woman just a broken heart , hearts mend. I still love my EX as a person first . All experiences wether it has left a bad scent in the air ~ or not ~ is a learning experience. I would not have given up the chance to have shared my life w/ my ex.Today when we talk ~ and we laugh to the early hours of the night at times ~ we see eachother all over again ~ hys my best friend ~ there were times I wanted to walk away, then I would look at the happiness in their eyes , the children and hys . This taught me patience .We both worked hard, and hy is still accomplishing what hy set out to accomplish ~ I still love hearing all about it ~ I am hys friend to the end. ~ Hys recent concern and actions in something I had to face , a life threatening experience ~ hy is my friend to the end. I would have to say I learned from my past relationship , accept the big things , fluff off the small stuff, respect who they are as an individual, endure what they are to U . ~ treat yourself the same way ~

[RockOn]

I learned (and am still learning) that I allow good things or not so good things to come into my life ... no one does anything "to me" without my permission.

A decade or so ago, I was so vulnerable ... regarding trusting people. I thought because I was being open and honest, another would be too. It took me years to see the lies.

Today, I am not that person who wants only to see the good in people. The blinders came off. Sure, I still believe the goodness in people, unless the person shows me otherwise ... usually through their actions. Today, I won't get close enough to be hurt in case the "otherwise" might show up. I refuse to play the silly non-sense games - makes me weary just thinking about it. I am old-fashioned ... trust, honesty ... those things are important to me.

I love true and hard. My short-coming is I can be in too deep before I realize it is only fun and games for my partner.

signing off as ...
cut n run

[Tuff Stuff]

Boundaries..which was a very good lesson taught..I don't do well in a cell,they always want to :boink: me.

The good,the bad,and the ugly(crazy)..the side they show and the side they hide..I can take it or leave it..ohh,yeah.

Crazy Love...it's the only kind I like.

Also,keep your eyes on the expensive toys..they tend to "walk off" after a breakup.

[homoe]

I learned it's best to let someone go! In time, it could prove to be the best thing ever!

[cinnamongrrl]

I learned it's best to let someone go! In time, it could prove to be the best thing ever!

best advice ever. Sometimes people hold on too long...

[Kätzchen]

I know that for me, especially in the last romantic attachment (and the deepest relationship, I've ever experienced ), I learned that I have incredible worth, that I'm incredibly smart --- things I have not always truly believed about myself. But I have such a better, deeper understanding of who I am, thanks to the loving relationship I shared with my last romantic partner. He was absolutely wonderful to me, taught me so much about myself, and about who we could be, together as a team. And, we were such a great pair of like-minded hearts, souls.

And that age old cliché, "If you love someone, let them go, because if it's meant to be, it will be?"

Yeah, that is such an important concept to internalize, which I have, but it's so important to let go.... to trust that the universe knows exactly what is best for you, that what you need or want or desire, will be provided for: Even if it comes wrapped differently , at another time in life.

I've learned to own my own independence, to know that I'm enough....that sometimes I'm more than enough. To be satisfied enough with who I am, yet let my own evolution play out in its own course of timing.

My contentment satisfies my inner knowing that I've truly come to terms with my sense of well being. My sense of worth improved exponentially during my last romantic relationship, and I'm so grateful for that stretch of time in personal growth.

[Amulette]

I have learned that "love" is defined differently by each of us. That the words "I love you" mean different things to each of us. There may be a generic definition of love involving attraction, inspiration and happy feelings in our hearts but what is the true picture we are trying to create? Are the strokes bold , timid, languid, flowing or angular? What shades is it colored in? How does it taste, feel, express? How does it grow, nourish, merge and sustain? What does love need to flourish in your heart and in your life?

Oft times I see couples including myself say love and mean very different things with colliding unconscious needs. I feel that if we take the time to define what love means to us then we can begin a conversation that leads to clarity. From there we can grasp the picture of love held in the heart of the person we hope to share it with. I'm not sure we need to be painting the exact same thing but I do think the pictures need to hang well next to one another: with harmony and dynamics that please us.

The other is that people's hearts are precious. Even the hearts of people who are not "for us". Life has more meaning when I behave accordingly.

[JDeere]

Boundaries are important, very important!

[Demure]

Wow some very honest comments in here and just want to hug you all *squeeze*