Struggling to come to terms......

[Strappie]

I was wondering if we as a community could help others out that are new and or are discovering themselves in the coming to terms with coming out or that they are wondering if they would even label themselves gay, bi or lesbian. Some may not even consider those labels because they feel its the person they are attracted to. Can you tell a story of what types of struggles you encountered. Such as; were you single at the time, dating men, married to a man... etc. Also did you have struggles with coming to terms with whether or not you even thought of yourself as gay, bi or lesbian in that process.

I was reading an article the other day. I was shocked to be so blind to the struggles that some people have gone through. Some were married to men and some were single and dating men. All their struggles shocked me. I was so blind to the struggles that they had gone through. Because I knew at an early age and a lot of these women were much older (35-50) coming to terms with it. Some had been married for 10 to 25yrs. Some had married 2 and 3 times and never understood why they weren't fully happy.

I'm hoping you all could help some new people out. I know that there are many people that come on to this site and other sites searching for some answers. I think the Planet is a good place for those people lurking in the back ground to find a safe place to know that they are NOT A LONE!

[Soft*Silver]

I love the idea, Strappie! I personally have been on an incredible journey of self discovery all of my life. I have labeled myself many things, and each time I grew into familiarity with the label I owned, I stretched further and found another. I am a lesbian but who is now with a male who was born male but desires to be female. I once was sure, completely sure, I could not be with a femme, yet the man (his choice of term) I am with is a femme. We are not heterosexual. We are in a Femme Lead lifestyle. I am so completely different than the heterosexual girl my parents assumed I was! And I am older...at 55 I have seen many changes in the LGBT community. The most significant change being the internet, and how it has greatly influenced us individuals and as a community in coming out and being comfortable with who we are. So yes, here on the Planet IS a wonderful place to start or join in, on the path of discovery and acceptance

[blush]

As in a late-bloomer thread? Awesome!

[Strappie]

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

[Queerasfck]

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

[blush]

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...
Great questions I'm going to ponder and answer later!

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

I was wondering if we as a community could help others out that are new and or are discovering themselves in the coming to terms with coming out or that they are wondering if they would even label themselves gay, bi or lesbian. Some may not even consider those labels because they feel its the person they are attracted to. Can you tell a story of what types of struggles you encountered. Such as; were you single at the time, dating men, married to a man... etc. Also did you have struggles with coming to terms with whether or not you even thought of yourself as gay, bi or lesbian in that process.

I was reading an article the other day. I was shocked to be so blind to the struggles that some people have gone through. Some were married to men and some were single and dating men. All their struggles shocked me. I was so blind to the struggles that they had gone through. Because I knew at an early age and a lot of these women were much older (35-50) coming to terms with it. Some had been married for 10 to 25yrs. Some had married 2 and 3 times and never understood why they weren't fully happy.

I'm hoping you all could help some new people out. I know that there are many people that come on to this site and other sites searching for some answers. I think the Planet is a good place for those people lurking in the back ground to find a safe place to know that they are NOT A LONE!

Strappie, thanks for posting this thread. I really related to a lot of what you said, about struggling to find one's "truth". let alone to figure out how to identify.

I am one of those women who was much older when I came out. I knew I was attracted to other women/females early on, but I had such a low self-esteem about my own sexuality, such a distorted view of what I was feeling/believing, then throw all the shame and humiliation that my family threw in along with my Church, well, it is a wonder I didn't go mad! I got married for the first time at the age of 16, mostly just to get the hell out of my horrific homelife. First marriage lasted 27 yrs, then I was into another relationship with another man. By that time, I knew inside that something was really wrong, that I was settling for something other than my truth, but I was still too scared to really face that truth. To accept that truth. To claim that truth. What would that mean to my kids and grandkids, my other bio family, my friends, my work?

Finally, the years of accepting OTHER PEOPLE'S truth instead of and for my own, wore me down. I was losing myself, almost to the point of no return.

For ME, each time that I moved towards finding and accepting my OWN truth, it was really like the proverbial peeling of the onion layer. When I met the woman who became my first partner, the feelings I experienced were like nothing I had ever felt before. And == I == felt like nothing I had ever felt before! I could breathe. I felt HOME.

There were still struggles, the latest in trying to come to terms with identifying as a Femme. (and whether someone who looked like ME, or was like ME, could even BE a Femme!) It has all been an on-going process of learning. But the really neat part is, that learning has been fascinating, has been difficult at times, has been filled with more joy than I could have ever imagined!

Places like here at the Planet have been key to that learning, for me. It is embarrasing to admit that you just don't know something, but everyone here has been so very kind and helpful. When I learn something myself, I feel almost an obligation to pass that lesson on to the next person.

Thank you, again, Strappie!

[Strappie]

What I also discovered in this article is that for the most part there is so much research and books about butch and transgenders but very little about feminine women. I guess I took it for granted. Again I was shocked to have read some of the struggles that they had gone through.

I know personally I have dated many fem women that came out late in life. I took it for granted that it was just natural for them to "come out" because it was easier for fem's then say a butch. I admit I am totally wrong.

[Strappie]

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

Dear Buzz kill....

If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!!

I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are...

The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post...

[blush]

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.
This was not my experience at all. If you live in a small community or simply don't know where or how to find resources or people, online communities are a viable resource.

[Strappie]

Strappie, thanks for posting this thread. I really related to a lot of what you said, about struggling to find one's "truth". let alone to figure out how to identify.

I am one of those women who was much older when I came out. I knew I was attracted to other women/females early on, but I had such a low self-esteem about my own sexuality, such a distorted view of what I was feeling/believing, then throw all the shame and humiliation that my family threw in along with my Church, well, it is a wonder I didn't go mad! I got married for the first time at the age of 16, mostly just to get the hell out of my horrific homelife. First marriage lasted 27 yrs, then I was into another relationship with another man. By that time, I knew inside that something was really wrong, that I was settling for something other than my truth, but I was still too scared to really face that truth. To accept that truth. To claim that truth. What would that mean to my kids and grandkids, my other bio family, my friends, my work?

Finally, the years of accepting OTHER PEOPLE'S truth instead of and for my own, wore me down. I was losing myself, almost to the point of no return.

For ME, each time that I moved towards finding and accepting my OWN truth, it was really like the proverbial peeling of the onion layer. When I met the woman who became my first partner, the feelings I experienced were like nothing I had ever felt before. And == I == felt like nothing I had ever felt before! I could breathe. I felt HOME.

There were still struggles, the latest in trying to come to terms with identifying as a Femme. (and whether someone who looked like ME, or was like ME, could even BE a Femme!) It has all been an on-going process of learning. But the really neat part is, that learning has been fascinating, has been difficult at times, has been filled with more joy than I could have ever imagined!

Places like here at the Planet have been key to that learning, for me. It is embarrasing to admit that you just don't know something, but everyone here has been so very kind and helpful. When I learn something myself, I feel almost an obligation to pass that lesson on to the next person.

Thank you, again, Strappie!

Thank you for your story. I admit when I read that article I cried. The struggles that fem's go through was so beyond my thoughts. I never knew that you all went through those things. How dumb was I to think it was a cake walk for you.

I think coming to terms with things is a life time process. I think we constantly change, a constant DISCOVERY of who we are. I know who I am but I consistently grow and tweak who I am and what I stand for.

I do know and have heard the term "I'm Home" my past partners that were str8 and came out had all said the same thing. "I'm finally home"

Thank you for sharing... I hope you can add more to the thread.

[Queerasfck]

Dear Buzz kill....

If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!!

I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are...

The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post...

Maybe so Strappie, maybe so. All I'm saying is that it is possible that someone might need additional help and or support. That's all I meant. Definitely people here have stories to tell and there are many threads that have coming out stories in them. I also think sometimes it's just as therapeutic for us to tell our stories as it would be for some newbie to read it. I would think it's best to have a balance in the coming out process of an online community and the real time world if possible.



This was not my experience at all. If you live in a small community or simply don't know where or how to find resources or people, online communities are a viable resource.


Very good point Blush.

[clay]

Excellent thread, Strappie!! I have started mine, but my eyes are tired...I am "old"...lol..so have cut n pasted mine to save and will be back later to post it..thanks, my friend..we can always learn...no matter what our ages or lot in life or place we are at, right? I know I can, and do!!! Daily!!!

[Goofy]

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

Sharing stories about one's own experiences isn't necessarily "advice."

I was on active duty in the Army and stationed in Germany for a few years. Searching for and finding answers to questions I had any place other than the internet simply wasn't an option for me. I happened upon the dash site and reading people's experiences and struggles, some so very much like my own, gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope that there were others like me. Hope that I might find someone who would love me for who I am, and who I could love in return. I could go on, but I think I'll save that for another time.

I'll come back later and share my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else, in the way those older posts helped me.

[Strappie]

Maybe so Strappie, maybe so. All I'm saying is that it is possible that someone might need additional help and or support. That's all I meant. Definitely people here have stories to tell and there are many threads that have coming out stories in them. I also think sometimes it's just as therapeutic for us to tell our stories as it would be for some newbie to read it. I would think it's best to have a balance in the coming out process of an online community and the real time world if possible.

Very good point Blush.


I don't disagree with you about additional help. You said it your self... Baby steps... this thread could be a baby step in their discovery. Some people may not have the resources or funds to get the help they would like to get. Not everyone is fortunate like us to have a job and insurance to pay for those resources.

[blush]

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.
I have to say, I get twitchy when you paint online interactions as "frivolous." It certainly can be. But I just spent a weekend with real time friends who started as online acquaintances. When I came out, I did therapy. I did baby steps. I talked to straight and lesbian folks. But my debt of gratitude is to the frivolous websites and the heart stopping stories of those that went before me.

[genghisfawn]

Struggling with identity and how one fits into queer spaces is something I suspect everyone who isn't completely het, cis and vanilla has dealt with. I came out at 14 and got involved in my community, thus avoiding a deep depression and the suicide I'd threatened. When I was 21, I met a straight, cisgendered man and fell madly in love... but I never relented in how I IDed, and he, being a respectful, loving person (unicorn?) never objected and comfortably coexisted with my friends and community through respect and questions, questions, questions. We didn't last due to a lack of staying power, but what I took away from that is that there are so many ways of being that belong to what is queer, and that only a person hirself can truly identify hirself.

It's okay to be queer and accept the incredible complexity of being a person with a body, heart, mind and spirit... All of these things require care and respect. I hope anyone reading this thread who needs it comes away with an understanding that ze is the architect of hir own self and presentation, and whatever that happens to be is worthy of care.

[Strappie]

Sharing stories about one's own experiences isn't necessarily "advice."

I was on active duty in the Army and stationed in Germany for a few years. Searching for and finding answers to questions I had any place other than the internet simply wasn't an option for me. I happened upon the dash site and reading people's experiences and struggles, some so very much like my own, gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope that there were others like me. Hope that I might find someone who would love me for who I am, and who I could love in return. I could go on, but I think I'll save that for another time.

I'll come back later and share my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else, in the way those older posts helped me.

I love you for who you are goofy!! ~just saying...

I do remember you from the old days. However, I didn't know the struggles you went through. We all have a story to tell and I think it's good to express them.

[Strappie]

I'm off to bed for tonight... thank you all for all that you do for each other here on the Planet. You have no idea what this place has meant to me and so many others too! Education is a huge part of this community.


Good night

[Breathless]

Great thread! When i first was coming to terms, and accepting that i wasn't a freak for the thoughts that were running through my head and heart, i found a book. It was called 'From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life' I dont remember the author, and have since passed on my copy to someone else who was struggling. It was a collection of coming out stories, and the love that followed. It really helped me :)

I was 26, married to a man, with 2.2 children and a white picket fence. Yet I could not survive another day feeling like i was living a lie.

[Jaques]

...... people struggle with so many aspects of life, so im never shocked by anything, saddened yes, by the way humans can treat one another but thats another thread.
I wasnt aware of my gender until as a small child, people kept telling me i wasnt a boy. So as i grew up i mustve put it on the back burner in my mind, got married 3 times, had 2 sons, for which im grateful. As i got older I began to think more and more about women and my marriage was awful, not because of that i might add, so then i started putting on my husbands underwear and stuffing a sock down the front, i wasnt sure why but it felt good, i had my long hair cut off and eventually went to a book shop in london where i knew "lesbian" books were sold, i felt so embarrassed, having already bought a magazine i thought was "Diva" and it turned out to be "Divers" - no smart remarks about that necessary, lol! Anyway i bought a book called "how to be a lesbian" as i thought i might be - when i got it home it turned out to be a funny book and not a book of instruction...............and so it went on - you have to laugh cos theres always a funny side to everything. I dated lots of girls young enough to be my daughter and thought i looked wonderful in a suit and tie, till i realised in the "womens" bars, i didnt really fit or gell - this was in the 90's. I thought i was soft butch, then butch, then the penny dropped, i wasnt lesbian at all, i fancied women as a guy, not as another woman would - that was the hardest pill to swallow. Until i met my missus and she smoothed the way for me, so much so that i decided, after years of living as a guy but not looking like one, that i needed to transition. It can be a struggle but i found a sense of humour and a lot of patience and understanding of yourself is helpful. Also understanding that its not all about ME - when you have partners, kids, parents, friends, they arent always going to accept straight away or find it easy - they have feelings to, so whether you are trans or gay, understanding the fears and feelings of others too is necessary - not all our loved ones will accept but many do. I lost friends and had problems with one of my sons, who now accepts, though i know he'd rather his mother sat in a corner in twin set and pearls, knitting - but thats pretty standard whether youre gay/trans or straight. Parents do not live a life, have sex or have fun! ha ha! So to all those still going through troubles in this respect, hope reading everyones experiences will help.

[Tawse]

I came to terms when I was 21 and found myself irrefutably in love with my best friend.

I was fortunate in that within a degree of my immediate friends there was a well established Elder Dyke. I approached her and well she took me under her wings. I would go to her house after work and we'd drink a couple of black & tans while she told me all about our history, how to treat a woman... how to survive in the jungle.

I am a huge believer in learning our history. Of listening to what the previous generation had to say - in person if possible. Reading a book is one thing - hearing the scars, seeing the passion, holding the calloused hands or hearing the well worn leather as it breathes... something you can't get from books.

So yeah - coming out was traumatic and trying, and truth be told I am still going along my journey and discovering about myself. But I had the privileged to be surrounded by an older generation who was as hungry to share their experiences as I was to learn.

[princessbelle]

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

GREAT thread!!! I do think it is a wonderful idea to put this out there in the world. I wish i had had ONE single person to hear me, to know what i was going through. We don't know who may stop by and who may find some comfort hearing a story similar to their own....


This one is two-fold for me. When i first knew and when i decided to do something about it....

I first thought something was different around age 6 when a little boy that girls just "swooned over" put his arm around me and i remember thinking "i wish you were a girl". I knew i was different then. I hid it and pushed it back and denied those feelings for a long, long time.

I married a bio male at 18 because that is what was expected. Shortly after had kids and lived a seemingly hetero life but i was just miserable. Spring forward 15 years....i put myself through school, worked full time doing so and took care of my boys. Six months after graduating college, i filed for divorce. He didn't really seem to mind cause we had turned into just a friendship for many years anyway. I knew i could no longer hide who i was at least to myself and i knew i deserved happiness like other people had. I wanted it, and i went for it.

There were some really dark times in that 15 years of hiding and many nights i went to sleep on the couch so lost crying into a pillow with little hope...so alone and so devastated that i couldn't find the strength to pull myself out of this situation that i knew was wrong for me.

This song, in particular, got me through it a LOT of days and nights. It was my anthem and gave me such strength. I would play it over and over and even sing it in the shower....

Major hugs to anyone going through bad times in their lives...please reach out to someone. MANY of us have been there...take a breath and HOLD ON!!!!!!

XQBvMob3YOE

[Gráinne]

It was stories such as these that made me realize that I was gay, so I'm so thankful for this thread and I'll share :).

I remember loving girls as early as kindergarten, but of course not in a sexual way. I first realized something was different at about 12 when all my friends went boy-crazy and I went girl-crazy, in a most non-platonic way! Instead of caring about getting a boyfriend, I developed serious crushes on one girl after another and wondered what it would be like to kiss them. I know I went through times when I was a boy in my core, and thought they were so lucky because they got to kiss girls.

I realize I sound really bad, but I used to subtly watch girls change in gym, just thinking their bodies were so beautiful. Boys-naah!

However, in that time and place, it never occurred to me to actually be gay. I remember in 1975, on a trip to San Francisco, my mother not allowing me to go to Haight-Ashbury because "that's where all the homosexuals live". I was quite literally growing up in the next suburb over from Leave It To Beaver Mayfield, Ohio.

That's what happened for a long, long time. When my friends asked who I "liked", I couldn't very well say, "You!" I had to brush it off, somehow, that I didn't really know anyone (true). I didn't have a boyfriend until college, all the while I was in love with a high school classmate who just happened to go to the same college I did.

At one point, I was in love with yet another friend and became an evangelical Christian! I'd heard a sermon that if you just prayed hard enough and turned your sins over to Jesus/God, then they would be taken off of you and forgiven. Well, I figured what I felt for women wasn't "right", so I prayed and prayed. I taught in China on what was really a missionary trip, but came back more of a Buddhist than a stronger Christian.

I married my fiance', while my friend whom I was in love with gave a reading at our wedding. I knew I didn't feel the same passion for my husband as I did my friend, but chalked that up to God keeping me chaste, virtuous, strong, and mature. I swear, that was my thinking at the time. Over 14 years, we somehow had our children but evolved into a sexless friendship for 8 of those years.

At 40 I was a moderator on a forum that didn't have anything to do with sexuality, but happened to have many lesbians on it. As we became close friends, and hearing their stories and feelings, I suddenly realized, "Shit! I'm supposed to be gay!" I immediately came out to my husband, who wasn't all that angry or even surprised. I think he'd suspected from day 1, and in fact had his own issues about sexuality. I came out to my best (platonic) friend, who said "I knew you were going to say that".

Most of my life, and all of my unsatisfying to terrible sex life suddenly made sense. It was more than just sleeping with someone; it changed how I approach all of life. I'm much more sensual now. I feel more comfortable in my skin. My home changed; even my faith changed (to Judaism with a splash of Buddhist).

And that's about it! I dated a woman I met on a website and she was the "first" time, which only confirmed my suspicions ;). I worried about the effect on my kids, but I think kids are more open about things now, and not naive. I haven't come right out and said "Mom's gay", preferring to leave it as a need-to-know thing, but sometimes I think they pick up on it and they are respectful in their language (no "That's so gay!")

I consider myself a work in progress and I'm not done "coming out". One day I'll find the right partner for me :). Until then, I'm working on myself.

[Apocalipstic]

I always knew I was different, but being born on 1963 and growing up in Argentina with missionary parents, I was not exploded to much. lol.

At 12 I read my first book with a love scene and remember relating to the boy in the story more than the girl. :| I was flummoxed.

I had boyfriends but it never did much for me sexually and I decided I was frigid until at 21 a girl talked me into kissing her at a fraternity party. Electricity shot through me and from them on I knew. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend both for a while, but ended up realizing I was a Lesbian. It was very hard and shocking being from my background. I walked away from everything I had been brought up to believe.

I really fought coming out as Femme. I resisted it for many years preferring to be "just me" and even at one point having a flat top and wearing men's clothes. I hated to be told I was not supposed to drive my car or pump my own gas since I was Femme. I hate being told I can't do something. I had way more resistance and contunue to for being Femme and dating Butches than I did for just being Lesbian. Somehow being Femme and looking like I sing Contemporary Christian music is wayyy more shocking than just fucking women. Lunatic Fringe. lol.

I was well into my 30's before the word Femme did not piss me off. I am still learning to be just me and ignore those people who would try to tell them how I should be.

[*Anya*]

What a really lovely thread!

I can remember back in New Jersey, younger than 8, playing house with my little girl-friends. I would always want to "practice kissing" with them.

I found myself in fairly frequent childhood sexual exploration with my little girl-friends-never the boys.

I was totally clueless about what it all meant but knew I liked it. I also knew, on some level that it was "wrong", that I should not be doing that with girls.

I did get busted by my mother once, still under age 10 and I think she was most upset about it being with a little girl. I clearly got the message that sex-play was wrong but even more wrong with another girl.

I got married at 18, mostly to escape my parents. It was not good. I was not sexually attracted to him and never had an orgasm with him.

After we split, in my mid-twenties I dated men and also had relationships with women. I told myself that I was bi because at the time, it felt to me that it was more hip and cool and stepping over that line to admit to myself that I really was a lesbian and to leave hetero privledge behind was just too terrifying for me to admit outloud to myself.

I continued to go through the motions with bio men and was still non-orgasmic with them.

I led this pretend sort of life, knowing something was missing, until I fell in love with my best friend.

I could no longer deny to myself who and what I really was.

There were costs: rejection by parents and two brothers for 15 years, loss of some of my so-called friends, dealing with my own two small children and their confusion about why I was kissing my girl-friend ("I love her in the same way Mrs. Smith loves Mr. Smith"), etc.

In spite of the difficulties involved in coming out and I do feel I almost come out on a daily basis as a femme: my life as a lesbian has filled in all of the blanks that I had felt were missing, such as the ability to truly connect emotionally, as well as physically, to be able to vulnerable with another and in general, to finally feel complete as a human being.

I have not looked back or regretted once that in spite of the pain and tears of finally being able to look in the mirror and admit to myself that I was gay, it was all worth it to feel truly alive and whole.

[Apocalipstic]

I always knew I was different, but being born on 1963 and growing up in Argentina with missionary parents, I was not exploded to much. lol.

At 12 I read my first book with a love scene and remember relating to the boy in the story more than the girl. :| I was flummoxed.

I had boyfriends but it never did much for me sexually and I decided I was frigid until at 21 a girl talked me into kissing her at a fraternity party. Electricity shot through me and from them on I knew. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend both for a while, but ended up realizing I was a Lesbian. It was very hard and shocking being from my background. I walked away from everything I had been brought up to believe.

I really fought coming out as Femme. I resisted it for many years preferring to be "just me" and even at one point having a flat top and wearing men's clothes. I hated to be told I was not supposed to drive my car or pump my own gas since I was Femme. I hate being told I can't do something. I had way more resistance and contunue to for being Femme and dating Butches than I did for just being Lesbian. Somehow being Femme and looking like I sing Contemporary Christian music is wayyy more shocking than just fucking women. Lunatic Fringe. lol.

I was well into my 30's before the word Femme did not piss me off. I am still learning to be just me and ignore those people who would try to tell them how I should be.

Good LORD. Exposed, not exploded. lmao.

[MarineCorps1]

First, I'd like to thank all for their responses here. There's a LOT that can be learned from those who went before that can help the rest of us, especially us late bloomers.

I was 29 when it finally hit me that I was interested in women. And it took a female physically flirting with me to make it click (yeah, I'm one of those that needs to be hit over the head with things). When it did, it was like a bomb went off. I was married to man I loved dearly and whom I'd been with for 14 years, I was an active member of a church that DEFINITELY frowned on such things. I fought it and fought it until ultimately (I admit with great shame), I had an affair. At that point, there was no turning back.

When I left, I moved to a small town, and I lived alone. I didn't feel safe with people knowing my inclinations, nor did I have an outlet of real people to turn to. The internet became my primary source of information and contact. Unfortunately, in a lot of ways, it still is. It's only been two years since all this went down, and I've tested the waters a bit and found that there are sharks on BOTH sides, and in some online communities it's like being in high school all over again. THIS adolescence, however, is going to be VERY short-lived for me. It took me twenty nine years to figure out where I stood and another three until I was able to be myself and I'm NOT giving that up for anybody - damn well not my own kind.

I think, as a newbie, that if I'd had anyone to give me advice, I would have wanted the heads up that there are so many people within the community who are still dead set on pushing you into a role. You're either butch or femme, and that's that, and if you're one then you should be with the other, etc., and that's all bullshit. So that's my advice to people who are just coming out - whether your adversaries are straight or gay, STAND YOUR GROUND. Be who you are and don't let anyone push you around. It mat be lonely that way for a while, but you'll be able to live with yourself at the end of the day, and eventually you'll find real people who'll care about you as you are. And THAT level of friendship is absolutely priceless.

[MarineCorps1]

At 40 I was a moderator on a forum that didn't have anything to do with sexuality, but happened to have many lesbians on it. As we became close friends, and hearing their stories and feelings, I suddenly realized, "Shit! I'm supposed to be gay!" I immediately came out to my husband, who wasn't all that angry or even surprised. I think he'd suspected from day 1, and in fact had his own issues about sexuality. I came out to my best (platonic) friend, who said "I knew you were going to say that".



I have to second this, when I finally came out, the few close friends I had and even my own mother ALL went, "yeah, I can see that." Which actually just made me feel more stupid - It was like everybody else knew it before me.

[MarineCorps1]

I came to terms when I was 21 and found myself irrefutably in love with my best friend.

.....

....I had the privilege to be surrounded by an older generation who was as hungry to share their experiences as I was to learn.

My best friend was my first love, too. And I agree that learning in person, if possible, is so much better, and I'm so glad you had that. I've finally found the same. Thanks for your comments.

[Tawse]

It is odd... I had a very physically and emotionally intense relationship with my best friend when I was 11 / 12. If our parents had any idea what we were up to with all of those nights spent over at each others houses... O.o I believe they would have died.

Yet when she became boy crazy and tossed the baby dykes in her life to the side (another story - there were actually three of us fighting for this girl's attention - good god she had us whipped)... but anyway when she hit puberty - we all just kinda went our ways.

I never even contemplated the thought of being gay until I was 21. It's not like I was removed from it - I had friends who were gay, family members who were gay - but the thought process of the possibility of ME being gay/queer/whatever - never even started.

The brain is a very queer (ha!) thing indeed... I just chalk it up to us being handed what we can deal with at the time. I had a full plate. That particular revelation waited until my plate wasn't so full. Which suits me just fine.

[princessbelle]

It is odd... I had a very physically and emotionally intense relationship with my best friend when I was 11 / 12. If our parents had any idea what we were up to with all of those nights spent over at each others houses... O.o I believe they would have died.

Yet when she became boy crazy and tossed the baby dykes in her life to the side (another story - there were actually three of us fighting for this girl's attention - good god she had us whipped)... but anyway when she hit puberty - we all just kinda went our ways.

I never even contemplated the thought of being gay until I was 21. It's not like I was removed from it - I had friends who were gay, family members who were gay - but the thought process of the possibility of ME being gay/queer/whatever - never even started.

The brain is a very queer (ha!) thing indeed... I just chalk it up to us being handed what we can deal with at the time. I had a full plate. That particular revelation waited until my plate wasn't so full. Which suits me just fine.

Wow does this bring back the memories. Even though i led even a straight life in my school years, well, there was that one time lol, looking back now it was so obvious to me.

I totally hung out at the ballfields and my besties were always very tomboyish. It just felt right, comfortable and just felt right. I would hang out with the, what we called, hoods. The peeps that smoked and drank and were pretty dad gum tough at the time. My bestest bestest through high school, Terry, carried a knife and i remember she would let me look at it but swore me to secrecy about her carrying it. No one ever messed with me because of her and her little gang...it was really quite cute now that i think back about it. I felt very protected. It was very out of place for me as a cheerleader and a perceived goodie two shoes way of life. I remember some of my friends would question that. I guess i was really somewhat of a rebel. I just had friends that i wanted and didn't care what anyone thought.

Terry bought a comaro our Sophomore year in high school. I felt like a queen riding in the passenger side on our way to school every morning. I didn't know i was gay necessarily but i knew there was something different about me.

So many, many of those "besties" of mine matured and came out as being gay. It was sorta like we were all magnetized to each other back then. Pretty cool when i think about it.

[Strappie]

I gotta say.. all these stories are so touching. The sacrifices you have made in your journey is amazing to me!!

[Quintease]

The first person I fell in love with was a boy. It hadn't even occurred to me at the point that I could love a girl. He was batshit crazy but I was in love and all the doubts I had about my sexuality were gone.

For a while anyway. We were so up and down and sideways that eventually my thoughts about women came back. I was bound to eventually leave him for a woman but he precipitated it by becoming violent.

But even then I didn't have women falling into my lap. First I had to go out and find them, then I had to actually convince myself to have sex with one, a situation muchly helped with vodka. It was tough.

[lettertodaddy]

These stories are all so great. It makes me feel fortunate that my coming out wasn't nearly as fraught as some of yours.

[agape]

I was wondering if we as a community could help others out that are new and or are discovering themselves in the coming to terms with coming out or that they are wondering if they would even label themselves gay, bi or lesbian. Some may not even consider those labels because they feel its the person they are attracted to. Can you tell a story of what types of struggles you encountered. Such as; were you single at the time, dating men, married to a man... etc. Also did you have struggles with coming to terms with whether or not you even thought of yourself as gay, bi or lesbian in that process.

I was reading an article the other day. I was shocked to be so blind to the struggles that some people have gone through. Some were married to men and some were single and dating men. All their struggles shocked me. I was so blind to the struggles that they had gone through. Because I knew at an early age and a lot of these women were much older (35-50) coming to terms with it. Some had been married for 10 to 25yrs. Some had married 2 and 3 times and never understood why they weren't fully happy.

I'm hoping you all could help some new people out. I know that there are many people that come on to this site and other sites searching for some answers. I think the Planet is a good place for those people lurking in the back ground to find a safe place to know that they are NOT A LONE!

Wow! Strappie, I can't tell you how much it means to me reading this!!
I wish I could share my story but I don't dare to do it other than privately, and even that only to some ppl...
But it does help me a lot and gives me hope to read that someone understands and respects other coming out journeys... Coming out late in life is far from easy and I've come across so many obstacles that many times I wonder if it isn't too late...
I really don't know how to thank you... Words sound cheap... but I hope you understand anyway...
:praying:

[Maverick]

I've been attracted to girls/women since I can remember...as far back as kindergarten I had a crush on my female teacher. I had crushes on many girls in school but never acted on them. I even used to carry my best friend's books to class for her lol. I came close to kissing her one time but chickened out. My freshman year of college one of my room mates woke me up and kissed me and my world changed forever. She's now married with children and I've spent the last 33 years IDing as lesbian. It seemed like the right fit for the most part and I certainly was attracted only to women physically but I wouldn't say that I ever felt like it was "home" for me. Three years ago I was playing an online game and a team mate and I developed a friendship and chatted quite a bit online. She came out to me as transgender (MTF). I had met other transgender folks over the years and even had worked with a person who was beginning transition to female. But, for some reason I had never given it much thought. She helped me understand that I'm really transgender. I now feel like I know what that feeling like I'm "home" feels like. I'm in the process of a second "coming out" in my life and at mid life it's got different challenges then the first one had at 18. I have a partner of 16 years to consider and a life we've built together plus a business that I have worked hard to build. I want so desperately to live as my true self and be authentic...stop the hiding and lying to myself and the world. Mustering up the courage is tough. I come here quite a bit for the inspiration to work through this stage of my life. Thank you all for sharing your stories! Please believe me when I say you are a lifeline for many of us who are struggling. Keep telling your stories.

[Strappie]

I've been attracted to girls/women since I can remember...as far back as kindergarten I had a crush on my female teacher. I had crushes on many girls in school but never acted on them. I even used to carry my best friend's books to class for her lol. I came close to kissing her one time but chickened out. My freshman year of college one of my room mates woke me up and kissed me and my world changed forever. She's now married with children and I've spent the last 33 years IDing as lesbian. It seemed like the right fit for the most part and I certainly was attracted only to women physically but I wouldn't say that I ever felt like it was "home" for me. Three years ago I was playing an online game and a team mate and I developed a friendship and chatted quite a bit online. She came out to me as transgender (MTF). I had met other transgender folks over the years and even had worked with a person who was beginning transition to female. But, for some reason I had never given it much thought. She helped me understand that I'm really transgender. I now feel like I know what that feeling like I'm "home" feels like. I'm in the process of a second "coming out" in my life and at mid life it's got different challenges then the first one had at 18. I have a partner of 16 years to consider and a life we've built together plus a business that I have worked hard to build. I want so desperately to live as my true self and be authentic...stop the hiding and lying to myself and the world. Mustering up the courage is tough. I come here quite a bit for the inspiration to work through this stage of my life. Thank you all for sharing your stories! Please believe me when I say you are a lifeline for many of us who are struggling. Keep telling your stories.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I think all us should be proud of who we are and the struggles be it big or small they belong to us and we should stand tall.

I'm glad you all are sharing!!

[Nat]

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

Hindsight is 20/20 it seems. I had a lot of clues from early on, but not enough to put my faith in for a long while. My mom tells me that the reason I got the "birds and the bees" talk was because I asked why Barbra Streisand and that girl couldn't just stay married in that movie Yentil. Looked like fun to me. Then my best friend in elementary school - she and I played this constant role-playing game for like 5 years. She played all the boy characters and I played all the girls. I remember once generously offering to play a boy character, and she said she preferred to play the boy - which was a relief. Last time I heard anything from/about her, she was straight and not gender-queer. But it was a fun time. I was still in elementary school the first time I dreamed I kissed someone - and in that dream I couldn't tell whether the person was a boy or a girl. In the summers, I remember kissing the television every time this one pretty girl came on the screen. I was sort of boy-crazy as a teen. But even in the midst of my most intense high school romance, I one day wrote a poem about a girl in my gym class. A poem - despite its lack of pronouns - I threw away rather than to examine what it meant that I wrote it. I'd have moments of overpowering attraction to a girl from time to time, but I would swallow it whole and put it to the back of my mind. In 10th grade, I realized I could get away with flirting with straight girls - that most didn't seem to mind it one bit. It felt far better to me than the weird competition straight girls do. My high school best friend and I had an open and silly flirtation for a long while. When she slept over at my house, she slept in my bed. When I slept over at hers, I slept on the floor or the love seat in her room. It was like this weird boundary that I just couldn't sleep in her bed without crossing some sort of line. After high school, I pretty much decided I was probably bisexual. My boyfriend from that time period encouraged that, and by the time he and I broke up I was almost sure I was gay. I came out to a few people. Then I met my ex-husband. I was 19. I was up-front with him about my orientation, but he seemed sort of like an exception to the rule. But eventually he wasn't. A few weeks before the wedding, I had a brush with reality that I chose to ignore. I didn't do anything, but it was just that I knew that I *would have* and that it probably wasn't so smart to be getting married. That was 12 years ago now. A few years later I developed a HUGE crush on a butch coworker. I managed to tamp that down with trouble. She just felt so right to me - just wow. I guess she was the first person I felt that specific butch-femme energy with. I felt like I was on fire for weeks. But somehow I killed it. It was weird during that time because I kept thinking my husband was a woman and having to correct my brain. She had just invaded my thoughts so much. But I still thought I was likely bisexual and even though I was attracted to her, I'd made a promise in a church that I had a mind to honor. Sometimes I'd go to gay bars just to watch the same-sex couples dance. It was this awesome relief. In summer of 2004, I went to England for a summer thing, and I ended up going to the Candy Bar a few times - my first lesbian bar. Walking in there just felt like home. If home were a packed loud bar full of british lesbians.

Anyway, the next fall, I found myself crushing on a whole new butch coworker and I realized the first one wasn't a fluke. I remember having dinner with my husband that fall for our anniversary and I felt physically ill because I just knew I couldn't hold up my end of the marriage. Within a few weeks I came out to him - told him I thought I was gay and not bi and that I had to leave him. That was a hard time - the first time I left didn't take. It took me until May of 2005 to leave him. And I think it was September of that year that I finally kissed a girl for the first time. I was terrified. I don't know why I was so terrified.

Some time between leaving my ex-husband and kissing my first woman - I looked into a mirror one day and saw a dyke looking back at me. I didn't think I had internalized homophobia - heck I loved gay people and felt left out around them. But when I saw myself in the mirror and actually saw myself that way - it was hard. When I identified as bisexual, the world was my oyster. I felt like everything was a choice. But, in that moment the world shifted - and I realized I didn't have the power to *choose* my sexuality and the sexuality I was born with was one that seemed to silence and invalidate me. I don't feel like that anymore, but in that moment I think I just felt the shift from straight privilege to not having it anymore.

Maybe I would have figured it out sooner if I'd been braver. Or if I'd known butches earlier. I guess things have turned out just fine. Coming out was fine. My parents have been quiet but supportive. I stumbled - am still stumbling around - in the romance department since coming out. And even since that day with the mirror, I've had a long debate with myself regarding my orientation and how I identify. Those questions are pretty well settled for me now. I'm so glad I don't have to go back and live those years over again, and I'm so glad I got out of my "straight" life. Things haven't been perfect since then, but I'm still happier than I was in that little prison I'd made for myself way back in that old life of mine.

ps. I wrote this during that time:
D_lMi63Itw0

[Strappie]

Nat I could read anything you write. So well thought out and so well written. And the video ... AMAZING!!!

Thank you for sharing!!

[TruTexan]

Thank you for sharing your story nat. Beautifully written and great video too. I too could sit and read more of your posts. Thanks for that.

[Hollylane]

ps. I wrote this during that time:
D_lMi63Itw0

Perfection. You are amazing, and I truly appreciate you sharing this Nat.

[Nat]

Wow thanks y'all <3

[bicentennialjenn]

i've had relationships with women and men, but i'm still not sure how to identify. nothing seems natural i guess. i only know i am "femme" and like masculinity. bi would technically cover it, but doesn't feel comfortable for me.

[SleepyButch]

i've had relationships with women and men, but i'm still not sure how to identify. nothing seems natural i guess. i only know i am "femme" and like masculinity. bi would technically cover it, but doesn't feel comfortable for me.

I don't think you necessarily need to put a name to it unless you want to. Here's the thing, it seems like you are a femme who likes masculine of center folks Whether they are male or female identified. Seems like a great way of saying you identify. I know for myself that I am a masculine Butch, female for all intent purposes and I dislike the lesbian term for myself because although I say I am female, it's because I do not want to be male. So I say I'm queer or Butch if anyone asks. Anyway, you'll figure out, the identity stuff.

[clodie]

It's just my opinion based on observation and own experiences. I'm just trying to figure it out myself so if I'm doing it wrong - which I'm not afraid to admit, feel free to correct me and please, please don't be upset by my post because it doesn't apply to everyone.

I think there are many people that have problems identifying as either straight, bi or lesbian. Technically the word queer should cover the rest - or so I thought. I learned recently that it seems to be more about your gender identity than who you're attracted to. My guess is people sometimes adjust to those labels, not necessary consciously. If I'm into someone, unless my pride ends up being crushed heartlessly, the next person I'll like will probably be similar to the previous one. And so bi women can seem and identify at times as being eg lesbian, because they're in that crowd, they're into that at the moment that they stop seeing men. Another problem with labeling your sexual orientation can be, and is in my case the fact that just because you seem to be both physically and mentally attracted to someone doesn't mean you'll be able to be with them. In that way I'd say that in theory I'm pansexual... but in reality I'm a lesbian (and that's just from having contact with only men and women). I can look at a guy and feel attracted to him but I know from my previous experiences that it just doesn't feel right being with one even though in theory it should. And that could be the case for many people. So if you don't feel right being with either men or women even if you felt attracted enough to try, maybe you just need to look for something different. It's just going to be a bit harder, like it usually is for a minority.