Can a poly/mono work?

[LadyHilary]

Question to the community:

Do you believe, and if so, what is required for a poly person and a mono person to maintain a long term romantic love relationship?

FYI on me: romantically heart monogamous, with multiple long-term committed leather relationships that may or may not involve sex and/or BDSM at any given interaction and when I attend leather events I often "trick" which means I may have some form of leathersex. All sexual encounters that are not with committed individuals are using safer sex. Tricks, though wonderful folks, are no threat to my leather family and/or the one who is first in my heart.

:canoworms:

[TenderKnight]

Good post and interesting thread.. I myself ID as poly, the girl that I am dating does not ID as such. We've talked a LOT about it and she knows where my heart lies.. With her.. I also have a very dear friend and lover that I have been involved with for almost 4 years. They know of one another and respect and trust my feelings for both of them..

I think that any kind of relationship can work, as long as all involved are open and honest about where motivations lie and when something just doesn't feel right.. I encourage both of my partners to talk and to share with me how they feel and I check in often when I want or need to about where I am feeling and what my needs are.

That being said, I am not looking for any other deep relationships.. I don't have any other sexual partners, but ifI find drawn to someone, I would check in with my girl first.. the man I see and I's relationship is different.. He is poly, my girl is not.

I guess my point is that it has been working so far, lol.. Lots of communication, transparency, and honesty. I look forward to seeing how others feel about this topic.

-Tony

[girl_dee]

i feel it can work if all parties are open, honest and do not have underlying issues/agendas/feelings that are unknown to the other parties.

i think we all have a poly heart in some way, in that we are capable of loving more than one human being (polyamourous) but how we interact with others is where the real work comes in.

[aishah]

i'm polyamorous and both of my partners are monogamous - one by circumstance (he's just never really felt the need or desire to date anyone else since we've been together - we've been together 7 yrs) and one by choice/disposition (he never planned to date anyone polyamorous and has no interest in it, but we fell in love and he's been really accepting of it - we've been together 1 yr).

the things that have been most important for us are open and honest communication...c., my partner who defines himself as being monogamous, had never really been in a relationship where that had been encouraged before. and the other thing is addressing it when jealousy comes up. usually it's around the idea that he's not enough for me, or i might find someone else and want to leave him, etc. so we've had a lot of conversations about breaking down those ideas/fears.

i'd love to date someone who is also poly, but with a few exceptions, i have always ended up with monogamous people. and it's worked pretty well in my long term relationships :)

[Just_G]

I believe anything can work if there is complete honesty and communication. When people fail to communicate and cannot be honest, that is when trust is lost and things fall apart. It is hard to gain trust back once it is broken.

My experiences with the people I have been involved with that id as poly have not been successful because they were not honest with me or kept things from me, which I consider to be dishonest when we have agreed to being forthcoming with anything that might hurt either one of us.

I was clear out in Wyoming once, with no way to leave or get home when I got an ”oh by the way” announcement that I shoukd have been told about a month sooner. And while it might not be a big deal to some folks, I felt deceived and the weekend was not very good. I am very clear about honesty and what it means to me. I don't need details, but I I do need to know something is going on.

I hope that makes sense.

[Nadeest]

To be honest, I don't know, yet, if I am poly or mono. The first person that I dated, after I started transition was poly, however, and he got me started thinking about this sort of thing. He and I talked for quite a long time, online, as we lived a distance from each other, unfortunately. In the end, it was the distance and my financial inability to go see him that ended that relationship, not the fact that he was poly.

I think that it might be able to work, but I also think that it would take a lot of openness and communication between both parties to do it.

[imperfect_cupcake]

non-monogamous and I married a monogamous wife. I stopped having sex with others. At first it was uncomfortable and I freaked out about a lot of issues like, what if she tries to manipulate me through lack of sex, what if she tries to control me through monogamy, what if.... and really most of my issues were about feeling in control and lack of trust. after two months of dealing with my shit, I was fine. I found I was far more jealous of her giving attention to others but that calmed down too.

we were together, and I was perfectly happy to be monog, no issues came up. Until she did what my biggest fear is around being monogamous. She fucked off with someone else while we were having sexual issues due to both of us going through a depression.


I am always afraid that monogamous people will just piss off with others at some point, for sex/intimacy when the attention needs to be on our relationship. When I've had a problem in the past with a death in the family (which is what happened) and I've been non-monog, we've always closed the relationship temporarily to deal with our stuff and not bring other people into the mix while we sort our shit out and igve support.

I'm actually very angry about having changed a big thing about myself only to have had it thrown back at me. She was so scared in the first year we were together that she wasn't kinky enough, wasn't non-monog, wasn't expereinced enough... the amount of reassurance I used to pour on her... and she fucks off with a woman 10 years my junior. Thanks.

Monogamy my ass.

That said, I know I can do monogmany now so depending on who I meet next - as long as they can deal with my battered trust with monogamy...

[Princess]

I am dating a kinky poly transman... :)

I am mono...and accepting of our situation. He is very right, with honesty and communication everything has been working quite well. I know right where he stands, and he I. There isnt a day that goes by that we don't talk about how we are feeling, and what's needed to make it work. I do think it depends on the people involved, but I think that is with any relationship or situation. Honesty is the best policy no matter what the situation or relationship...but with trust and communication..most anything can work. Poly OR Mono.

[2qt]

No offence to the poly or mono people out there just my 2 cents worth so please don't hate for my post lol...

Personally I don't believe it can work because of the between the 2....I have been in a poly/mono relationship before and given it was my 1st attempt it was also one that will remain as a reminder to me why I was hesitant in the 1st place to get involved...

I was the mono and hy was the poly.... Initially I thought I could deal with things as long as we remained open and honest with each other, provided we did the whole communication thing everything would be sweet....

Alas as time progressed things began to change and other people involved begun to get noses out of place and it became a messy triangle of confusion, mistrust, anger, hurt between all who were involved....

Even though you are honest about who you are with or who you are attracted to or feel you want to explore things with, doesn't stop the realization of real feelings coming into the mix of things.... Being open and honest doesn't stop the mind or heart wondering if they are enjoying them more then you or the feeling of being inadequate to meet their needs as a whole and I found out in the end that's exactly what was felt....

I find whilst one persons needs are met there is always someone who is meeting just one side of the persons needs when you mix the 2 together.... Because the mono is doing all she/hy can do to make the poly happy and stable or the poly doing the same for the mono to make sure they feel secure and most times the poly has a couple to deal with these same issues with.... I don't feel it can be given the 100% which most mono require which is why we are mono to give 100% of ourselves to another......

When a poly dates another poly..... There is more understanding because you are both in the same equal posistion to each other.... Where as if you are a mono in the poly/mono relationship and you feel the need to change your status to a poly as well it doesn't seem to go over very well or at least sometimes it doesn't......

I have nothing against someone being a poly or not I believe it's a personal choice as it's my choice to be a mono... Like any relationships it requires time and understanding and there is good and bad in all aspects of relationships.... In the end what really matters is if you enjoy being there then why not.... If you don't then get the hell out before the sheets burn :)

[girl_dee]

IMO and it is just MY opinion here there are many different aspects to the term *Poly*.

i feel it's in the wiring. Either you are wired for it or you are not. Many people are capable of loving multiple people and they are not always of a sexual nature. If you are mono, and you are with someone who is poly, i do not know how this could ever work.

i like the family aspect of the poly lifestyle, it's a stronger bond than most bio families. We go through trials and tribulations together, through it all there is always a family bond, unless you cross one of us at which time everything changes. Rules are established, boundaries set up and they must be respected. If one of us has a problem, they others rally together to help resolve it.

Some people are in it for the multiple sexual partner (what they perceive as) benefit, others just fall in love with more than one person and enjoy the companionship of each. There are so many dimensions to the poly lifestyle that each one of us may have a different perspective.

[girl_dee]

non-monogamous and I married a monogamous wife. I stopped having sex with others. At first it was uncomfortable and I freaked out about a lot of issues like, what if she tries to manipulate me through lack of sex, what if she tries to control me through monogamy, what if.... and really most of my issues were about feeling in control and lack of trust. after two months of dealing with my shit, I was fine. I found I was far more jealous of her giving attention to others but that calmed down too.

we were together, and I was perfectly happy to be monog, no issues came up. Until she did what my biggest fear is around being monogamous. She fucked off with someone else while we were having sexual issues due to both of us going through a depression.


I am always afraid that monogamous people will just piss off with others at some point, for sex/intimacy when the attention needs to be on our relationship. When I've had a problem in the past with a death in the family (which is what happened) and I've been non-monog, we've always closed the relationship temporarily to deal with our stuff and not bring other people into the mix while we sort our shit out and igve support.

I'm actually very angry about having changed a big thing about myself only to have had it thrown back at me. She was so scared in the first year we were together that she wasn't kinky enough, wasn't non-monog, wasn't expereinced enough... the amount of reassurance I used to pour on her... and she fucks off with a woman 10 years my junior. Thanks.

Monogamy my ass.

That said, I know I can do monogmany now so depending on who I meet next - as long as they can deal with my battered trust with monogamy...


Good Heavens, that must have sucked! Insecurities can play havoc on any relationship. Bring the mono/poly twist into and you have a recipe for disaster. i would also like to state that not everyone is driven by sex, but that seems to be a common denominator. i don't know how anyone sacrifices or risks an entire good relationship to go have sex with someone else, but i am not in their shoes to judge that. If you want to have sex with different people then find someone who is either open to that or stay single.

i have had jealousy issues in the past, but i now know i had reason to be untrusting. Each and every time i trusted, i was right about my suspicions.
My current relationship is not like that, she openly loves others in her life and that is a wonderful thing. i admire that about her, but she loves me unconditionally and makes sure i know where i stand at all times. Nothing to be jealous of.

In my past when i was dealing with something new to me, which was *jealousy* and i talked to my Syr/partners wife about it, she explained it like this:

"Jealousy is when you feel something that belongs to you is being given to someone else without your consent"

That was so true, whether it be sex, love, time, emotions, attention. Poly has to be a willing place, you can't just turn off your feelings of wanting to be just one on one, or having the person you love be true to you only.

[*Anya*]

I judge not how others live their life.

I know myself and what my soul needs to thrive.

Poly relationships would not work for me in any capacity.

It is clear from many posts that I have read, that it can and does work very well for some folks within poly relationships.

I just know, that for me, it would not.

It is what it is. Monogamy is where it is at for me.

[QueenofSmirks]

I think any relationship dynamic *can* work. It can also *not* work. It isn't so much the dynamic itself, it is the combination of the people involved and their environment and circumstances and life and relationship choices that play a part in it all. I've been in poly relationships that had some tremendous highs, and I've been in some that just plain didn't work at all. I've also been in monogamous relationships that had tremendous highs, and some that plain just didn't work at all. I've been in relationships where some people identified as poly (me being one of them), and others did not. I agree with what someone said earlier (it might have been Cajun Dee) that some people are wired to be poly, and some aren't. I don't think we're all meant to be the same or experience the same things, and it certainly isn't a judgment on those who do or do not identify as one or the other.

[girl_dee]

i have also found that when some who is (my word) wired for Mono and they reluctantly enter a relationship with someone who is poly that they have no idea what emotions or feelings can come out of that. Lots of people think its great kinky to see their partner with a playmate, but it's only kinky the first time.

Lots of issues NEED to be discussed, especially in a leather household setting.
Everyone NEEDs to adhere to the rules and boundaries and everyone NEEDs to be respectful of others, once one of these things does not happen it all crumbles.

[QueenofSmirks]

i have also found that when some who is (my word) wired for Mono and they reluctantly enter a relationship with someone who is poly that they have no idea what emotions or feelings can come out of that. Lots of people think its great kinky to see their partner with a playmate, but it's only kinky the first time.

Lots of issues NEED to be discussed, especially in a leather household setting.
Everyone NEEDs to adhere to the rules and boundaries and everyone NEEDs to be respectful of others, once one of these things does not happen it all crumbles.

I would add... for everyone involved, be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about your boundaries. Anything you reluctantly agree to is not going to magically be okay. For me, in one of my relationships, I really wasn't okay with some of the boundaries set in place by my partner. I reluctantly agreed to them because she had agreed to things she wasn't comfortable with. In the end those things manifested into all sorts of other ugly things - control issues, trust issues, etc.

That was a long time ago, and I've learned a lot of life lessons since then. It's better to get it all out in the open up front because it's going to come out in some way, shape or form eventually.

[girl_dee]

I would add... for everyone involved, be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about your boundaries. Anything you reluctantly agree to is not going to magically be okay. For me, in one of my relationships, I really wasn't okay with some of the boundaries set in place by my partner. I reluctantly agreed to them because she had agreed to things she wasn't comfortable with. In the end those things manifested into all sorts of other ugly things - control issues, trust issues, etc.

That was a long time ago, and I've learned a lot of life lessons since then. It's better to get it all out in the open up front because it's going to come out in some way, shape or form eventually.



Yes and even if we have a smidgen of a *thing* about something and it doesn't come out, we regret it later.

i feel many times people don't know what their boundaries are until they are IN the situation, which is not always a good thing.

i hear and read about many people thinking they would be great with the poly lifestyle, until they try it.

[Ginger]

In my past when i was dealing with something new to me, which was *jealousy* and i talked to my Syr/partners wife about it, she explained it like this:

"Jealousy is when you feel something that belongs to you is being given to someone else without your consent"




This is a fascinating thread. Some of my favorite people on the Planet are here :) and the discussion is so grounded and thoughtful.

I don't have any insight to add, but Dee, your parter's wife's definition of jealousy really struck home with me. I had jealousy toward a partner's ex, once, and it still makes me sad to think about it.

It wasn't that I felt she was giving away something that belonged to me, it was that she was giving away something she had never given me.

And the ex was so mean to her, which made it even more painful to watch.

I had never thought of it that way till I read your post.

Scout

[LadyHilary]

... especially in a leather household setting.
Everyone NEEDs to adhere to the rules and boundaries and everyone NEEDs to be respectful of others, once one of these things does not happen it all crumbles.

The expression of needs and exceptionally clear boundaries and rules are key.

Success is my goal, I believe in love and the ability for the human heart to expand.

[girl_dee]

This is a fascinating thread. Some of my favorite people on the Planet are here :) and the discussion is so grounded and thoughtful.

I don't have any insight to add, but Dee, your parter's wife's definition of jealousy really struck home with me. I had jealousy toward a partner's ex, once, and it still makes me sad to think about it.

It wasn't that I felt she was giving away something that belonged to me, it was that she was giving away something she had never given me.

And the ex was so mean to her, which made it even more painful to watch.

I had never thought of it that way till I read your post.

Scout


Yes yes i went through this too, and back then talked to my Sister about it, when she explained it that way, it was dead on. i've experienced what i feel is jealousy once in my life, and i hope to never feel that pain again. i was more angry with myself for being jealous. i feel i was fighting for something that was never really mine, i know that now.

[fever]

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice

[girl_dee]

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice



It depends on the dynamics. My Syr is not about collecting wives, or having some sort of kinkfest with multiple sexual partners, she is about a family and maintaining a level of peace and joy within. There are some subs who wish for the Dominant to take on more family members so that they can have more playmates or freedoms, and sometimes without even making that wish known, and sometimes that plan backfires on everyone.

[boobookitty]

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

[yotlyolqualli]

It never worked for me. I am monogamous and have always made that clear.

[girl_dee]

so could you be with someone who is Poly?

[yotlyolqualli]

No. I tried and while on paper it sounded doable, in actuality, it tore me down, apart and asunder.

[girl_dee]

No. I tried and while on paper it sounded doable, in actuality, it tore me down, apart and asunder.

yes that is such a good point, it all sounds great until you try to live it. No one can explain what it would be like, you have to live it.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice



Hi fever, I'm a bit confused about this part of your post. Are you under the impression that Femme Tops can't handle poly situations like butches do? I know *I* can handle poly with ease, in *my* experience it's been the other way around. Butches seem to want to dick pump and get all akwRd and insecure when I'd be out with another. I've not had this much of a problem with the girls/Femmes/Women I've been with..

[Martina]

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

[girl_dee]

i think many people think they can live this lifestyle, then try it and realize wow that is not for them. Like someone said it looks good on paper.

i like when they share that experience.

What i get sick of is hearing how GOOD Syr must has it with two wives. We don't have orgies or kinkfests around here.. what we have is a family and when one is struggling we all struggles. Syr also has two (three if you count the boi) sets of problems to help us solve, relationships to maintain and spread herself amongst us all.

People don't look past the sexual aspect of it. That is a GREAT part of it but there is SO much more to maintaining this lifestyle than people who have not tried it can imagine.

[girl_dee]

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?

[The_Lady_Snow]

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.



I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

[Mel C.]

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

[girl_dee]

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

ME TOO. i cannot speak for my Syr (of COURSE!) but i am sure she would agree that the work that comes along with balancing a household cannot possibly be compensated by the sexual perks of it all.

We are all in it for the kinship, not for the Hot Monkey Sex.

[girl_dee]

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

[QueenofSmirks]

I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice


Hmm... I'm not sure where your confusion lies. Do you feel this is a topic based on gender or gender identity? It sort of sounds to me like the old misconception that women can't, and shouldn't enjoy sex. Can you explain why you think, or why anyone would think, that butches, especially Top/Dom butches, would be more inclined to be poly than femmes? Are you implying that femmes are too jealous, catty, insecure, weak, or...? Or am I misunderstanding you completely?

[Martina]

I am fairly picky (plus not everyone's cup of tea). I could easily be in a relationship in which I have no outside sexual or romantic connections while the other does. I have been in that position. But I could have always decided to pursue outside connections. Also, as I get older, I am not as interested in pouring so much of my time into relationships.

I know of marriages in which one partner is poly and kinky and the other person thinks it's strange stuff. The marriages pre-dated the one partner's exploration of kink. I know of two of those that have stood the test of time.

[Mel C.]

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

In the hypothetical scenario described above, it doesn't seem to be about whether someone is poly or mono, but whether someone has an expectation that their partner be poly or mono. If i expect a partner to be mono and they are not, it would probably be an issue. If I expect a partner to be poly and they aren't, it would probably be an issue. Either way, for the relationship to succeed, I imagine the "issues" need to be addressed.

Although "I'm going out to meet a lover" is honest, it doesn't seem very nurturing. I'd like to think that if I was monogamous in a relationship with someone poly, that there would be some discussion and ground rules established for what behaviors are acceptable. Likewise, if I was poly and had a mono partner, I'd like to think that I would treat her in a manner that was respectful at all times.

[Martina]

Yes, if someone can't tolerate you being poly, but wants to be, that is a problem.

But if one party wants to be monogamous and is happy with the other partner being poly -- which I think is the hypothetical -- then I imagine it can work.

My guess is that it would stand the greatest chance of success if the monogamous partner were basically poly, just not interested in more than one relationship at this time.

If a person with no experience of poly were to enter such a relationship as the monogamous partner, I would not give it much chance. But who knows?

[The_Lady_Snow]

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

I'm going to take a wild guess that these things would be discussed wayyyy before they arise. If they are happening and it's a SURPRISE!! then I can see where there is gonna be an issue and feelers are gonna be hurt, maybe that's where it goes wrong that people aren't 100% honest with one another.

[yotlyolqualli]

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.



That's great that you allowed yourself the freedom to explore that option, now you know it's just not going to work for your relationships.

[QueenofSmirks]

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

Well, I'm sorry to say, the person/people who accused you of all of those things is/are probably not worth having in your life. You know yourself. That's more than most people can say. Stay true to yourself.

[boobookitty]

i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?

I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.

This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.

[Martina]

Yeah, I don't even do the don't ask, don't tell thing. We all have to know and at least respect one another. I haven't fucked someone who was cheating since I was in my twenties.

There's a tv show called polyamory or something. I caught a few minutes of a couple of episodes. I couldn't take more. I recall that someone told a guy that they didn't want another person in the relationship, and he said, I don't think THAT's poly. He clearly thinks poly is having as many sexual partners and additional relationships as at least HE wants.

There was one woman who was not into it much. Her husband said he was partly into poly because his wife wanted sex less than he did. So she is involved in the new relationship too -- with another couple. She looks sad, teary almost, and is trying to say something -- this is as a sexual encounter is beginning. The other woman says what's wrong, honey, do you want ME? She doesn't listen to the answer and initiates sex with the other woman. It was hard to watch. Clicked away at that point.

Sad that that is what is being represented on TV.

If people knew how much work it is, . . . .

[TenderKnight]

This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.

Ditto.. Hell, i don't even do one time hook ups if the other is leaving their partner in the dark or "experimenting" *shrugs* Just how I work.. But then, that is for me, other's may disagree.

*goes back to reading quietly*

[boobookitty]

This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.



Where do you get off suggesting everyone is not fully informed????
You quote me AND THEN post that is not poloyamory for YOU!!!

I DO NOT CHEAT... EVER ON ANY ONE!!!

I DO NOT LIE >>EVEN TO GET TO HOLD SOMEONES HAND!!!!

I take four to six months gettiing to know someone, before a sexual relationship is even possible

You have no right to accuse me of such a thing or use my post as an example of cheating.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Where do you get off suggesting everyone is not fully informed????
You quote me AND THEN post that is not poloyamory for YOU!!!

I DO NOT CHEAT... EVER ON ANY ONE!!!

I DO NOT LIE >>EVEN TO GET TO HOLD SOMEONES HAND!!!!

I take four to six months gettiing to know someone, before a sexual relationship is even possible

You have no right to accuse me of such a thing or use my post as an example of cheating.


Excuse me I was speaking from me space about what I expect in poly. Your example which I happened to quote in our household would be cheating. I even preferanced it in "me" space. There is no need to chastise me for discussing polyamory in a polyamory thread.

[girl_dee]

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

See this is what i mean by *could that ever work*

People often think or try to be with someone who is Poly, but when the time comes that they take another lover, they realize they are just not cut out for it.
Nothing wrong with that. Can't blame someone for exploring and not living something that they are not OK with.

[girl_dee]

Yeah, I don't even do the don't ask, don't tell thing. We all have to know and at least respect one another. I haven't fucked someone who was cheating since I was in my twenties.

There's a tv show called polyamory or something. I caught a few minutes of a couple of episodes. I couldn't take more. I recall that someone told a guy that they didn't want another person in the relationship, and he said, I don't think THAT's poly. He clearly thinks poly is having as many sexual partners and additional relationships as at least HE wants.

There was one woman who was not into it much. Her husband said he was partly into poly because his wife wanted sex less than he did. So she is involved in the new relationship too -- with another couple. She looks sad, teary almost, and is trying to say something -- this is as a sexual encounter is beginning. The other woman says what's wrong, honey, do you want ME? She doesn't listen to the answer and initiates sex with the other woman. It was hard to watch. Clicked away at that point.

Sad that that is what is being represented on TV.

If people knew how much work it is, . . . .

THAT is exactly what i feel. Those of us who live it don't usually have an as exciting life as they portray on TV. We don't have orgies every night and the Dominant is not orchestrating play parties on a regular basis, so yah, rather boring for ratings. Last activity we did together was probably cleaning the shit out of the barn or maybe watching a sunset. *Yawn* right?

It is work. People want to look right passed all the hard work that is done and see *WOW lots of sex going on there* The emotions and situations that come up are beyond explanation.

And when did lack of sex become the free pass to screw around? Not happy? Leave someone, cheating and sneaky behavior is NEVER ok, i don't care how *sex starved* you are. It's always excused when a man cheats on his wife because she wasn't putting out enough. MAYBE if he stopped being an asshole she would want to have sex with him.

Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?

[Nomad]

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

ditto. yaay poly happiness for anyone else. not so much for me.

i had a similar experience decades ago. only difference was that i was jealous and immature and insecure. the person making the accusation was a cheating asshat of the gold medal Olympian variety but that didnt make it any less true that i was also jealous and immature and insecure. i think a poly/mono relationship can work because there's no way *i* can say that they cant. blanket statements make my eyebrows go all twitchy. with that on the record, i know that *i* still dont have the emotional maturity it takes to be poly or to be in a relationship with someone who is.

[girl_dee]

I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.


Question...

So the married woman's partner would know that you, the special friend, are the experiment of their curious, not out partner? if i were the partner i would be crushed to find out my partner and her *special friend* were experimenting behind my back. I'd probably incite a riot. I'd feel like a fool.

Just wondering, it sounds like sneaky stuff to me.., not what "i "consider poly.

[QueenofSmirks]

Where do you get off suggesting everyone is not fully informed????
You quote me AND THEN post that is not poloyamory for YOU!!!

I DO NOT CHEAT... EVER ON ANY ONE!!!

I DO NOT LIE >>EVEN TO GET TO HOLD SOMEONES HAND!!!!

I take four to six months gettiing to know someone, before a sexual relationship is even possible

You have no right to accuse me of such a thing or use my post as an example of cheating.

Boobookitty, with all due respect, this line in your previous post is what I'm sure most people got snagged on: "...or the 'special friend' of a married woman or[who] is or isn't out... ". Being the "special friend" of a married woman who isn't out would mean to most people that you are having a sexual relationship with a woman who isn't out, which would mean it's a secret, which to most people does not fall under the definition of "polyamory" (to love more than one person in an open and honest way) and would constitute "cheating" in such a relationship, however, if we really want to nitpick, the thread is not called "polyamory", it's just "poly" which means "more than one". So, I can see where things went astray. I think the implication behind the responses to your post is that by you being the "special friend' of someone who is married and not out, that implies that that person's spouse is being kept in the dark about your relationship. Maybe that isn't what you meant, but that's how it came across.

[boobookitty]

Boobookitty, with all due respect, this line in your previous post is what I'm sure most people got snagged on: "...or the 'special friend' of a married woman or[who] is or isn't out... ". Being the "special friend" of a married woman who isn't out would mean to most people that you are having a sexual relationship with a woman who isn't out, which would mean it's a secret, which to most people does not fall under the definition of "polyamory" (to love more than one person in an open and honest way) and would constitute "cheating" in such a relationship, however, if we really want to nitpick, the thread is not called "polyamory", it's just "poly" which means "more than one". So, I can see where things went astray. I think the implication behind the responses to your post is that by you being the "special friend' of someone who is married and not out, that implies that that person's spouse is being kept in the dark about your relationship. Maybe that isn't what you meant, but that's how it came across.




I do NOT agree, if there was a lack of clarity, the question of that should have been asked, ... instead a judgemnt of my behavior, by someone who what to look down her nose at me, was posted on an open forum.

I did not say her husband was in the dark!!!!

That was a made up accusation!!!

I wrote, "I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around."

I hang out and played pool with her husband, he was fully informed, BEFORE any sexual contact took place... IF a woman is single and does not want her co workers or her mother to know she is gay then she has that right... I respect the terms agreed to between each person I am involved with!

If her rules of relationship with someone else, is such that SHE may be with whom she pleases when she pleases.... that is a call for those who are exchanging body fluids.... NOT judgemntal people on the internet who are not part of the relationship.

Poly is a short hand for polyamorus, I did not nitpick a meaning out of context and make a slangerous accusation toward anyone on this thread.

I am not dishonest! I do not cheat!

In my comments back>> because I was quoted, are not chastisement for discussing polyamory in a polyamory thread. IT is chastisement for quoteing me and makeing comment that suggest I am dishonest and deceatful...

>>Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow -- "That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not."<<

"this example" refering to my post, is the statment shows the intent to defame me, and say I am not honest in my actions,

For the record this IS My code of conduct : http://polyamorysociety.org/tools.html

[The_Lady_Snow]

I didn't think anything needed clarification, there wasn't any judgement nor was it personal. I was talking about "my" views on poly relationships. Your poly, my poly, Joe the Plumbers poly will all be different my bad if you're upset over my wording.

[aishah]

And when did lack of sex become the free pass to screw around? Not happy? Leave someone, cheating and sneaky behavior is NEVER ok, i don't care how *sex starved* you are. It's always excused when a man cheats on his wife because she wasn't putting out enough. MAYBE if he stopped being an asshole she would want to have sex with him.

Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?


i agree with the lack of sex stupidity...however both of my partners definitely consider themselves monogamous. everyone i've ever dated who considered themselves monogamous still did after we started dating. (i consider this akin to the whole question of "does who you date change your id" - i.e. if a lesbian dates a transman does that mean she's not a lesbian - and my opinion is that your id is your id. it's different for everyone i guess.)

[QueenofSmirks]

I do NOT agree, if there was a lack of clarity, the question of that should have been asked, ... instead a judgemnt of my behavior, by someone who what to look down her nose at me, was posted on an open forum.

I did not say her husband was in the dark!!!!

That was a made up accusation!!!

I wrote, "I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around."

I hang out and played pool with her husband, he was fully informed, BEFORE any sexual contact took place... IF a woman is single and does not want her co workers or her mother to know she is gay then she has that right... I respect the terms agreed to between each person I am involved with!

If her rules of relationship with someone else, is such that SHE may be with whom she pleases when she pleases.... that is a call for those who are exchanging body fluids.... NOT judgemntal people on the internet who are not part of the relationship.

Poly is a short hand for polyamorus, I did not nitpick a meaning out of context and make a slangerous accusation toward anyone on this thread.

I am not dishonest! I do not cheat!

In my comments back>> because I was quoted, are not chastisement for discussing polyamory in a polyamory thread. IT is chastisement for quoteing me and makeing comment that suggest I am dishonest and deceatful...

>>Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow -- "That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not."<<

"this example" refering to my post, is the statment shows the intent to defame me, and say I am not honest in my actions,

For the record this IS My code of conduct : http://polyamorysociety.org/tools.html

My statement about the definition of "poly" ...which could be short for polyfidelitous, or polyamorous, or polygamy... was not a slam toward you or an accusation. It was meant to open up the conversation wider than the single term polyamory, but fuck it - I will just sit back and enjoy the show.

[boobookitty]

Question...

So the married woman's partner would know that you, the special friend, are the experiment of their curious, not out partner? if i were the partner i would be crushed to find out my partner and her *special friend* were experimenting behind my back. I'd probably incite a riot. I'd feel like a fool.

Just wondering, it sounds like sneaky stuff to me.., not what "i "consider poly.

So the married woman's partner would know that you, the special friend, are the experiment of their curious, not out partner?

YES!!! .... he was fully aware!!! EVERYONE who needs to know is fully aware.

If you where her partner you would have known everything.... because I meet and talk with everyone or it doesn't happen. We all talk, visit each others homes and meet family members (even children and pets) and have meals to getther before it ever gets that far....

As well... my primary meets them ... we all get to know and trust each other.. how else is a relationship built?

>>it sounds like sneaky stuff to me.., not what "i "consider poly.<<

how the h#ll is it being sneaky??? we are out in public having dinner-- openly talking about issues of our lives-- every one reads every else email etc--

(sarcasim)-- I am supposed to sent you a note too???--

How high an mighty can people get-- judgeing other with what they "consider poly" or not...

and I don't give a flip what peopel on the internet think is "correct' poly' or not...
the woman I spend time with... she matters... I care that her needs are met and if that means we act like straight girlfriends out in public...so be it...
I do NOTHING behind any partners back. Mine or hers.

[pinkgeek]

Back to the question of if poly/mono can work - in my experience it can. Sometimes it did, othertimes it didn't. I've had both types of relationships go up in purple polkadotted flames. I've been on both sides of each equation.

I have taken away many things from the experiences, most importantly (for me) is I realized neither is "better" just different. I can appreciate the uniqueness of each situation and also that what works for each person and couple, triad etc. is different.

Your mileage will certainly vary..

[Mel C.]

Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?


I think if person A enters in a relationship with person B who has other lovers, person A can consider this monogamous if person B is their only mate / sexual partner. As someone else mentioned, person A has the right to self-identify and that identity may or may not fit in with what other people think.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?
----------------





I like to view my world as poly-dementional. Poly being the key word, this could mean:


A- is monogamous to B not because A is not allowed to not be in other dynamics but because A feels and decides that B is fulfilling all needs. Even though A is mono now it doesn't mean A has to stay that way, A has consent and there's an understanding A can find X if they choose to.

[The_Lady_Snow]

There are also scenarios where A & B are both seeing other Alphabet characters outside of their dynamic:


A has a relationship with LMN

B may only have a relationship with Z


Z may be involved with W who happens to not be kinky/a foodie/ a person who likes travels so W is totally fine with Z finding U and doing those things with them.

Poly relationships are as different as the people involved the key is transparency.


PS

I meant to say dimensional not dementianal in post 62 I can't fucking correct it on my damn iPhone so sorry for the misspelling:|

[The_Lady_Snow]

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!

[QueenofSmirks]

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!


Yes, and we don't often think of them that way, and almost never discuss it. I'll pull out my annoying definition once again of "loving more than one"... A sexual component is not required.

[Mel C.]

Yes, and we don't often think of them that way, and almost never discuss it. I'll pull out my annoying definition once again of "loving more than one"... A sexual component is not required.

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!

I agree! If I could still edit my post, I'd add the disclaimer that the question specified "lovers" which I interpreted to be sexual but it may not have been meant that way.

[girl_dee]

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!

Exactly! The boi and other boi that have been part of Syr's leather family are not connected sexually to any of us.

[Rook]

I think as long as both can commit to their emotion for each other, and the monogamous individual is genuinely sincere in their decision in accepting their poly companions other needs, or desires...and on that same token the poly individual respects their monogamous companions feelings and listens to any concerns{and even slight jealousies, which could happen..they're both human}, it's possible...
I'm even curious as to the opinion on perhaps Asexual Polysensuality..negating the sexual side...but the attraction's there, on a different level...
:blink:

I think essentially it's a matter of how each person views their relationship should or could work best once emotion is invested enough to know u can Trust your better half.

[Arwen]

For me personally? No. And yes, I've tried it. More than once. Every time was a colossal failure.

Why? Partly my own insecurity but also my poly partner's seeming need to always find someone else, someone new. As if the current group wasn't enough. I couldn't handle it at all.

Then my partner (who claimed to have given up poly for me even though I never asked her to do that) asked if she could "be friends" with someone. I lost it. Ballistic and sick with rage, I self-destructed and ruined that relationship.

I will never (and yes, I mean never) do poly or any form of it again.

That having been said, I personally know at least two poly families. One of them has been together for more than 15 years so I know it can work. Just takes the right people with some damned strong self-confidence. In my opinion.

[girl_dee]

I think as long as both can commit to their emotion for each other, and the monogamous individual is genuinely sincere in their decision in accepting their poly companions other needs, or desires...and on that same token the poly individual respects their monogamous companions feelings and listens to any concerns{and even slight jealousies, which could happen..they're both human}, it's possible...
I'm even curious as to the opinion on perhaps Asexual Polysensuality..negating the sexual side...but the attraction's there, on a different level...
:blink:

I think essentially it's a matter of how each person views their relationship should or could work best once emotion is invested enough to know u can Trust your better half.


i would need a definition of asexual polysensuality before i could comment.

Insecurity and jealousy are human, but they don't have to be a dealbreaker.
Having a partner who has behaviors that are not 100% honest and sincere are dealbreakers. i trust until i have a reason not to, one little untruth is a big ole dealbreaker for me.

[girl_dee]

Although i am not sure what exactly you are curious about Rook, i will say that i think problems arise when two people go into a relationship that are not matched on the sexual scale, or rather are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

For ME for example, Sex is not at the top of the list. *All else* is up there. Sex is what happens after all the *all else* has taken place.

For others sex is most important, then the *all else* happens.

For me, if you want to have sex with me on Friday, things need to be good since Monday. i can't turn it on and off. i have been in relationships where things were good any my partner was not interested in sex, my going out to get another lover would not have fixed that.

i feel the ONLY way poly can work is if that first relationship is rock solid. If there is resentment and unhappiness around sex, getting another partner isn't going to fix that.

[JDeere]

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

:| Lord help me

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've just re-read the thread because it popped up and there is a lot of good stuff here.

However, I think after as many years and partners as I've had, and different kinds of relationships (open triad, polyfidelity triad, monog, non-monog [open only to sex with others, not new romantic relationships], polyamorous in a non-family way but primary partners with secondary partners, and poly as in no primary partners)
That there are two things I find really important to distinguish -
And that's the difference between jealousy and possessiveness.

Jealousy is the feeling you get when you feel something you deserve and not receiving is given to someone else. Like that sick feeling in your gut when you feel ignored and unappreciated, taken for granted, and your partner appears to be chatting up someone across the room. It feels awful and erasing. It has to do with feelings of self value and relationship value.

Possessiveness is the feelings of anger when someone you don't know is *leaning on your car* YOUR car. Wtf?? What kind of disrespect is that. Leaning on MY fucking car. They have no concept of respecting other people's property.

Except, substitute "car" with "partner" and "leaning" with "talking/flirting/touching" and it implies rights of ownership and you setting the boundaries of ownership.

Personally? I can deal with people struggling with ownership. It has nothing to do with me and their anger is directed at other people, not me. I tend to roll my eyes and tell them good luck with that. And I can tease them about it if they are able to accept and laugh at themselves. But I can't cope with those who cant understand that possessiveness is their own problem and can't laugh at themselves about it. I get it too sometimes, and it's easier to joke about to let go of, for me.

Jealousy is different. It's insidious and a core esteem issue as well as an issue about attention. And if there is an imbalance in how much attention someone just naturally gives people and how much someone craves, it will throw a huge wrench into any open or poly relationship. The five love languages are a big deal here. So is levels of attention, companionship desires. I will feel smothered if someone constantly focuses on me, I don't like being the centre of constant attention, I feel like I can't breathe. Someone else may lap that up. So bring in another person into that discrepancy and it's pouring fuel on a massive potential problem that *will* combust at some point.

Just passing thoughts and learning lessons as I saw this thread come up again.

Would I be in another monog relationship after the one I posted about? Maybe. But it would take me a really long time to trust monogamy now, and most monogamous people I know in dykeland don't have the patience to not be monogamous until trust is establish.

[Gemme]

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

:| Lord help me


You say this like you haven't consented to it.

That's not good.

It sounds like a serious, everything on the table discussion needs to be had.

[JDeere]

You say this like you haven't consented to it.

That's not good.

It sounds like a serious, everything on the table discussion needs to be had.

There has been some discussion on things but this poly/mono came up on here and from what I am reading it sounds like my relationship. That's what I was referring to.

[kittygrrl]

I would say very rarely..it doesn't mean it can't but even when it's consensual...not really...for awhile but not for the long haul..there needs to be balance and in such a relationship it's incredibly hard...imo.........it leads to unhappiness...you're basically talking about a polygamous experience...ie. fundamentalist Mormons, who I'm personally very familiar with...even for Jesus, hard to live, happily...easier perhaps among pagans, but not by much, sharing the same bed, helps...again, by personal experience...

[nina03]

I would say very rarely..it doesn't mean it can't but even when it's consensual...not really...for awhile but not for the long haul..there needs to be balance and in such a relationship it's incredibly hard...imo.........it leads to unhappiness...you're basically talking about a polygamous experience...ie. fundamentalist Mormons, who I'm personally very familiar with...even for Jesus, hard to live, happily...easier perhaps among pagans, but not by much...again, by personal experience...
So, I'm in a relationship with someone who is monogamous. He only is ever with me, in any sense of that. I am poly and date others. We have loved each other for sixteen years, and been in a deeply committed relationship for nine. We got married six years ago. Our relationship is truly for the long haul. We have balance, we are both getting our needs met, and we work very hard at communicating what we want here. You're right that this is not for everyone, but I'm living proof that it's possible and can result in a healthy dynamic if we commit to it. In a polygamous relationship in the Mormon sense, there doesn't often seem to be true consent on the part of the women. My beloved spouse consented to this with his eyes wide open, and that is a very big difference. He is committed to me being all of who I am, including this part of me. In turn, I am committed to his happiness, too. His monogamy is about his behavior, he understands that it does not have to control mine. I know we are not the rule. We've poured years of work into our relationship, where many would have given up. That work has paid off in a marriage that is deeply loving, supportive, sexy, and fun.

[kittygrrl]

So, I'm in a relationship with someone who is monogamous. He only is ever with me, in any sense of that. I am poly. We have loved each other for sixteen years, and been in a deeply committed relationship for nine. We got married six years ago. Our relationship is truly for the long haul. We have balance, we are both getting our needs met, and we work very hard at communicating what we want here. You're right that this is not for everyone, but I'm living proof that it's possible and can result in a healthy dynamic if we commit to it. In a polygamous relationship in the Mormon sense, there doesn't often seem to be true consent on the part of the women. My beloved spouse consented to this with his eyes wide open, and that is a very big difference. He is committed to me being all of who I am, including this part of me. In turn, I am committed to his happiness, too. His monogamy is about his behavior, he understands that it does not have to control mine. I know we are not the rule. We've poured years of work into our relationship, where many would have given up. That work had paid off in a marriage that is deeply loving, supportive, sexy, and fun.

You're lucky...and I know luck has nothing to do with it..but you understand it's very rare..the work and love involved would be incredible..i admire well constructed relationships..blessings <B

[NitroChrys_Butch]

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice



You asked whether it is mostly Butches who want the poly relationship and I can only speak for Myself. When things became serious with a particular woman I was dating I had explained to her that I felt at some point in My life I would be in a poly situation/relationship although at the time I had no idea how it would happen or what the dynamics could and would be. I was not thinking of being a collector but of simply being involved with more than one person.
NOW I am. I am married and she comes first. She is always at the core of everything I do. I have a submissive butch as well. I care for hym deeply and probably always will no matter where this journey leads us. They are both monogamous with Me while I am not. Although to say "it is complicated" is the understatement of the year
It CAN work but it takes commitment and the desire to make it happen. Communication... everyone has said it. Honesty ... absolutely.

[JDeere]

I think it can work if the work is put into the relationship, communication is key in my opinion. Keeping an open dialogue between all parties is good, so noone feels like there is any problems not being addressed, etc.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I tried once. I was the mono half in the couple. Omg, it was nothing but a headache and struggle to reach compromise. It did NOT work and I would never try again. Just for me personally. Good luck to those who try!

[JDeere]

I tried once. I was the mono half in the couple. Omg, it was nothing but a headache and struggle to reach compromise. It did NOT work and I would never try again. Just for me personally. Good luck to those who try!

It isn't easy, I agree. Sometimes things just don't work out.

[JDeere]

BUMP BUMP I know more folks got something to say!

[homoe]

I may of posted before, but I know for myself, this would not be an option!

[Mel C.]

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.

[JDeere]

I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.

Oh yes the green eyed monster has already come out, but not on my end. I agree it takes alot of self security and nurturing.

[MitchM42]

I am poly and my wife is....kind of mono. Meaning...she has my permission to act on her desires if a situation comes up and she would like to. This has happened only once in the time we've been together. We are two VERY different creatures. For her, a mental attraction must be there. For me, it's all about the physical. We decided when we started dating 7 yrs ago that we would never make each other feel caged. She is simply not comfortable satisfying some of my sexual cravings. So I have others meet those needs. I do not desire to have another full on relationship. My heart belongs to my wife. I must also add that we discussed how this would work at length and have revised our rules along the way. At first she wanted to know the when, where and how's of my activities. She has now decided she doesn't want to know. I respect that and I will answer any questions she has should they come up.

[kittygrrl]

"The beginning is the most important part of the work"

it applies...

[BullDog]

As a completely monogamous person, the issue of why being with a poly person would not work for me really doesn't have anything to do with jealousy. I don't consider myself to be a jealous person. I won't be with someone unless I trust them 100%. I don't worry about anything going on when she is out doing things on her own, and I am very happy for my partner (when I have one) to have her own interests and close relationships with family members and friends. But when it comes to our relationship, I am solely focused on her, and I want her to be solely focused on me. That would be completely compromised for me if I was with a poly person, and it is much too great of a compromise for what I value in a relationship for it to work for me. So, I do not date or partner with poly people, but it has nothing to do with jealousy.

I think it would be rare for a poly/mono to work, and I don't think jealousy is the core of the issue. To me jealousy is rather petty no matter what your orientation is. I think both poly and monogamous people can be jealous, and jealousy can definitely wreak havoc with monogamous, poly, or poly/mono relationships.

What I want in a relationship is based on much more fundamental values than that, and I am assuming it is for other people as well - for both mono and poly people. I think that is the question a person would need to answer for themselves if they were getting involved with someone who is different on the poly or mono aspect of things - whether the relationship would meet their core values and needs. If poly/mono works for some people that is great. And poly/poly relationships that work for people, that's great too. It's just not for me.

[JDeere]

Bump bump.

It takes two to make a thing right, it takes two to make it out of sight. Busts a move in the thread to get it jumping.

[JDeere]

Bumping the thread again.

[iamkeri1]

I want to start by saying I have only been in relationships that were supposed to be monogamous. Two of my partners were frequent cheaters. I do not call them poly, I call them cheaters because they violated our agreement. If they were poly, they forgot to mention it to me. Had they been openly poly, the outside interest would have been easier to take.

Having said all that, there is a type of multiple partner relationship that I find both exciting and workable for me, as a basically monogamous person (that is, when thinking of it intellectually, I have not experienced it personally.)

What I conceive of is more like a group marriage. All parties live together, and interact with each other sexually, financially, familially, etc. Two or more couples may come together, or individuals may join together to form this family/marriage. They set their own rules, clearly define them, and they are committed to each other and all within the group, but would limit their sexual activities to those who are within the group. There could still be problems, of course, but there are many financial, emotional, and convenience advantages to this type of relationship. And just think of the disposable income, lol, Four or more adult workers would be bringing money into a household whose costs would not actually be much higher than that of a two adult household. Children would have multiple parents available to pay attention to them. One partner could take time off to go to school, or one could elect to stay home to raise/homeschool the children. Any permutations the partners agree on would be acceptable. This has always seemed to me like a way to achieve the benefits of a monogamous relationship. while allowing sexual and other intimate interaction with multiple people and achieving those benefits as well.

Meandering in my thoughts. Peace to you all in whatever relationship choices you make.
Smooches,
Keri

[kittygrrl]

I want to start by saying I have only been in relationships that were supposed to be monogamous. Two of my partners were frequent cheaters. I do not call them poly, I call them cheaters because they violated our agreement. If they were poly, they forgot to mention it to me. Had they been openly poly, the outside interest would have been easier to take.

Having said all that, there is a type of multiple partner relationship that I find both exciting and workable for me, as a basically monogamous person (that is, when thinking of it intellectually, I have not experienced it personally.)

What I conceive of is more like a group marriage. All parties live together, and interact with each other sexually, financially, familially, etc. Two or more couples may come together, or individuals may join together to form this family/marriage. They set their own rules, clearly define them, and they are committed to each other and all within the group, but would limit their sexual activities to those who are within the group. There could still be problems, of course, but there are many financial, emotional, and convenience advantages to this type of relationship. And just think of the disposable income, lol, Four or more adult workers would be bringing money into a household whose costs would not actually be much higher than that of a two adult household. Children would have multiple parents available to pay attention to them. One partner could take time off to go to school, or one could elect to stay home to raise/homeschool the children. Any permutations the partners agree on would be acceptable. This has always seemed to me like a way to achieve the benefits of a monogamous relationship. while allowing sexual and other intimate interaction with multiple people and achieving those benefits as well.

Meandering in my thoughts. Peace to you all in whatever relationship choices you make.
Smooches,
Keri


Your post is really appreciated and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you. I have known a few group marriages. Group marriage was kinda a thing in the hippie love era. Couples shared households and expenses and a few worked out pretty well but eventually the two I knew parted. I'm not sure why as I was just a teen then and thought it was a strange thing to begin with and too busy with my own life. In my much later adopted hippie lifestyle I experimented with many different ways of living and knew many like-minded people, for the most part accepting, happy together people, which I feel is very necessary to even consider living a lifestyle like this. People who decide to live this lifestyle generally adopt it because they find another couple they are in-sync with in many different ways. They love each other and enjoy spending weekends etc. This is how I noticed it started out. The other reason was a shared goal or beliefs which made it an advantage to have others who shared their values. Sounds cozy doesn't it? Well sometimes, but unfortunately the best of intentions doesn't always mean you have success even though you may want it badly.

[JDeere]

Group marriage is a no can do for mexample. I'm fine with my current poly/mono situation until it's not for me anymore.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've been thinking about this again, having gone out on a couple of dates.

I'm "monogamish" meaning, I'm fairly monogamous emotionally. I don't really go out looking for other people to get involved with, I don't feel I need it. I don't mind having extra curricular sex if it's offered but to me more than one relationship is, frankly, a fucking headache.

I'm a submissive. Dealing with the demands of more than one dominant is a pain in the fucking ass.

I need a lot of alone time, a lot of time for my career, my friends. I'm pretty happy with being single because of the time and peace and quiet it gives me. So I find monogamous relationships too intense. They pretty much require that they are my main focus in life. I am my main focus in life. I am my primary partner/relationship. I find it difficult when dating monogamous folk to get them to SLOW DOWN. Take it easy. I'd prefer if you didn't call me or text me every day. Not because I don't want to talk to you, but I don't talk to anyone every day.

Its highly unlikely I'd find anyone to have sex with outside a relationship- I've been single 4 years and I haven't had sex for 2 years now, cause there isn't anyone. I need brains, humour and a casual relaxed fit to have sex. I'm fully in support of hook ups, or friendship with benefits, or sex buddies. But I have no idea where I could get that. I don't see anything possible like that for a middle aged femme in my city.

So I would be one of those people who is mostly monogamous that would be fine with poly, depending on how the poly was done. I'm also happy to be someone's secondary these days because then their desire to have a nesting partner and be domestic with someone is already fulfilled. I can be the fun date a couple times a month to go and do great things with, eat great food and then have amazing sex. Then they go home and Argue about taking out the trash with someone who wants to share a bathroom with them.

:D

[JDeere]

There is ALOT of different politics involved, that's for sure. That is one main thing that keeps me from getting too serious, I have issues dealing with certain things that are involved in a poly/mono.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Way back when I first posted in this thread I believe I stated something along the lines of.
It would depend on the type of Poly relationship and frankly the type of person the "mono" individual is. For in my experience there are about as many different types of Poly, many different types of Poly Homes and even Leather Homes.
None of that matters without 100% open communication among all parties from the first that continues. As others have said I don't think jealousy is what could end it. Not if all involved are communicating needs, if all want the relationship, and in my opinion people are either hard wired to be Poly or to be Mono. Every relationship takes works sometimes question is are you and the others willing to do the gut wrenching wrok that may pop up.
Why turn away a chance from being happy unless of course you know you won't be happy.

[JDeere]

Way back when I first posted in this thread I believe I stated something along the lines of.
It would depend on the type of Poly relationship and frankly the type of person the "mono" individual is. For in my experience there are about as many different types of Poly, many different types of Poly Homes and even Leather Homes.
None of that matters without 100% open communication among all parties from the first that continues. As others have said I don't think jealousy is what could end it. Not if all involved are communicating needs, if all want the relationship, and in my opinion people are either hard wired to be Poly or to be Mono. Every relationship takes works sometimes question is are you and the others willing to do the gut wrenching wrok that may pop up.
Why turn away a chance from being happy unless of course you know you won't be happy.

Taking a chance could be the best thing some folks ever do for themselves and their relationships.

[kittygrrl]

I don't agree that jealousy doesn't play a role in couples splitting. It is a symptom of issues in the relationship. Jealousy is alive and well in most of us. We all want to be cherished and poly play can make you feel less then-unless you live in SF then it's just same ole, same ole :)

[JDeere]

I don't agree that jealousy doesn't play a role in couples splitting. It is a symptom of issues in the relationship. Jealousy is alive and well in most of us. We all want to be cherished and poly play can make you feel less then-unless you live in SF then it's just same ole, same ole :)

Jealousy happens in any relationship, poly or not.

[kittygrrl]

Jealousy happens in any relationship, poly or not.

i'm not sure about that, it really depends, it shouldn't be a given.

[JDeere]

i'm not sure about that, it really depends, it shouldn't be a given.

I'm just pointing out that it can happen in any relationship that isn't poly/mono.

[Bubala]

It depends on the people involved and the nature of their wants, their needs and their agreements. Every relationship is different in so many ways on so many levels, layers can be endless. Ultimately, in life, everything comes down to mutual respect and honesty (with ourselves and the rest of the world).

[JDeere]

It depends on the people involved and the nature of their wants, their needs and their agreements. Every relationship is different in so many ways on so many levels, layers can be endless. Ultimately, in life, everything comes down to mutual respect and honesty (with ourselves and the rest of the world).

Yes on the respect and honesty.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Taking a chance could be the best thing some folks ever do for themselves and their relationships.


Oh agreed but it could also be a ticking time bomb waiting for just that right moment. In my opinion you should prepare for both to minmize any damage. Just a thought.
Alix or al

[JDeere]

Oh agreed but it could also be a ticking time bomb waiting for just that right moment. In my opinion you should prepare for both to minmize any damage. Just a thought.
Alix or al

Right, there are always risks and preparations are a good thing just in case.

[JDeere]

Bump bump.....

[Tiffany Aching]

In MY experience, yes.

I am polyamorous, and for the last 16 years I have only been with monogamous people. It was/are always committed long term relationships, and people I have been with and am with knew from the start my situation - it just happens that they were/are mono.

Honesty, communication and transparency and mutual respect were and are the keys for me and my partners.

[JDeere]

In MY experience, yes.

I am polyamorous, and for the last 16 years I have only been with monogamous people. It was/are always committed long term relationships, and people I have been with and am with knew from the start my situation - it just happens that they were/are mono.

Honesty, communication and transparency and mutual respect were and are the keys for me and my partners.

What about if one partner becomes controlling with the main partner, while the main partner becomes dependent on the controlling partner?

I'm the one partner in this poly mono deal that isn't controlling or dependent but this is what I'm dealing with in my current situation.

[girl_dee]

i feel it can work if all parties are open, honest and do not have underlying issues/agendas/feelings that are unknown to the other parties.

i think we all have a poly heart in some way, in that we are capable of loving more than one human being (polyamourous) but how we interact with others is where the real work comes in.

bumping this right here. i still feel this way.

this life is work, hard work. But i love it.

i do not believe that anyone one person could be my end all, be all. They could surely be the love of my life, my one true love, my *person*, my Master, my soulmate, my whatever....... but no one being could be my everything.

Nor could i be their everything. There is no reason why we can't enjoy things in another loving relationship that we cannot enjoy with our person.

Sex is a prime example, there is much that i am just not into, and don't want to be. If my person wants to experience those things with someone else, and still bring to our relationship everything that got us to that point, why should they not?

[AmazonDC]

I think it can work for others just not for Me... I am a 1 woman kinda Guy and I am very open about that with My partner... it comes down to communication and openness...

[girl_dee]

I think it can work for others just not for Me... I am a 1 woman kinda Guy and I am very open about that with My partner... it comes down to communication and openness...

and of course that is just great, but you know not to get involved with poly folk, we are wired much differently.

[JDeere]

I'm single now but talking about experiences is a good thing.

[girl_dee]

I'm single now but talking about experiences is a good thing.

Yes its the only thing we have to go by isn't it?

my life in poly let me know i love it, it also showed me how badly things can turn out if everyone is not on the same page, and if someone is going along with things to avoid causing a breakdown of the unit.

[girl_dee]

Some people think having a poly heart is one that never experiences insecurities. That is not true.

People in mono relationships have told me i am cold and i don't care . i guess this is because i don't get all freaked out if i think they are noticing someone. i have an "ohhh yes i could see why you are attracted to her" attitude...or hey "invite her over"..... i usually don't feel threatened unless there is something else going on. If someone is going to leave, being jealous won't make them stay. For me, it will push me out the door. i want my person to be loved up on in every way from whoever they invite in, as long as our relationship is rock SOLID, the communication and connection is there, i know i am good and enjoy knowing they are happy.

Thats what a true poly heart is IMO. Having a rock solid relationship that allows you to feel joy for that person even when they are with someone else. While i can have many lovers, and am a terrible flirt, that one relationship is at the core always. Its where the strength comes from for me.

THEN there are the times where emotions come up and slap you in the face. Emotions you don't recognize or know what to do with. It feels ugly. You feel ashamed. For me when this happens i have to dig deep and find out why. This is the hard stuff that i like to overcome.

This lifestyle is certainly not for everyone, but having a chosen family is the greatest, most greatest gift.

[Tuff Stuff]

So far it's worked for us.I could never fuck only one person for the rest of my life.That's the hard truth about me.
But when i'm in love, I can only love one.
I guess you figured it out that I don't do mono,oh gawd no.
She knew this about me way before we married.As long as it's not brought into our home(the people,the person)then she has no problem with it.One night stands she doesn't want to hear about,but with my regular fuck buddies..she's all ears.

When I'm out in public with her,my attention is all hers,i never flirt with others around her,because believe me,i will not hear the end of it.But she flirts all the time with others,and I like it.

She is mono and truthfully I prefer it like that.If she told me tomorrow she'd like to have a one night stand,or a friend with benefits(gulp)..see, already I'm having a problem with it.

I'm not a person who keeps tabs on people I love,they are their own entity.I'm not calling my wife every minute of the day and she doesn't do the same to me.I trust her not to go behind my back.

She tells me she can only love one person at a time spiritually,mentally,physically.To me, love is different from sex.. sex does not equal love in my book.

You have to keep communication open and honest.