Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[thedivahrrrself]

This thread is intended for self-reflection and thinking about relationships.

What scars do you have from old relationships that play out in your newer ones?

Do you have any insecurities from things that have happened in your past that you have to work to overcome now?

How do you deal with these issues to make sure they don't wreak havoc on your current or future relationships? How do you make your [potential or real] partner aware of your baggage?

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****THIS IS NOT A PLACE TO TALK ABOUT THE DETAILS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE
(PARTICULARLY IF THEY'RE ON BFP)****

(Meaning: read the TOS and don't violate them please.)

[DMW]

Jaws (6/10) Movie CLIP - Scars (1975) HD - YouTube

[Hominid]

Over and over ... I fall for women who seem completely engaged, talk about marriage, how where we are "going" seems inevitable ... I hold back a little but go ahead and discuss it. I fall head over heels - then I sense them pulling away and get freaked out, anxious. They sense this anxiety, and pull away or break up based on it. All this after I have *never* brought up or allowed us to fixate on a future that's fun to think about but way too early to plan - after she is talking about how I'll "of course, end up baby X's step-dad" - and "well, you have to stop smoking near the house now so it will be okay by fall" -

I realize they are probably on the rebound, not in control of their own mouth ... or I'm supposed to pull away rather than stay present. But it's a drag. The last one I truly believe was a genuine match, we were so compatible - but she assumed a lot, plugged in her own doubts with her own answers rather than talk to me. I would have been happy to stop seeing each other every day. There are lots of adjustments I would have made to keep a promising future alive.

So - my scars are abandonment issues. I am self-contained, solid, my feet on the ground - until I start to feel slippage. Maybe she's not slipping away at all, but when I sense it, my own steadiness, part of who I am, begins to slip and it's palpable, thus creating even more doubt.
Blech.

[Gráinne]

I've been fortunate that I've had relatively healthy partners, save a couple. I think overall, I've become much healthier and thus more able to attract someone healthy, too. So that's the good news.

The "bad" news: I worry about losing my independence and my ability to think for myself. I worked so hard to get that back, that I'm afraid to get into another relationship and lose that. I don't think I compromise well.

I'm afraid of becoming somone's "half", like "Someone and partner", instead of a full person on my own. I'm afraid of always being referred to in context to my partner.

I'm also afraid of being found lacking in the intimacy department (I mean physical, as well as emotional). I don't enjoy a lot of activities that are somewhat "standard" (if that's the right word). An intimate relationship might just be too much. I hope not, though.

[thedivahrrrself]

I'm pretty secure in the front side of the relationship. I tend to attract the type of person I am attracted to, so I think that means I'm putting the right things out into the world.

I can fall fast, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As long as I don't act fast! (learned that one the hard way)

I have trusted the wrong people, but I'm lucky in that it doesn't keep me from trusting new ones. I just learned not to ignore that gut feeling I have when something just isn't right. And I start to scrutinize a lot sooner than I used to.

My relationships have typically been relatively long and stable, but my marriage scarred me a lot. My trust was broken over and over. My wife didn't love me, and I had to be the one to point that out; realistically, it was probably years after she actually stopped, if she ever did in the first place. It made me feel like an object of convenience - why would you stay with someone you don't love?

I heard a song today that reminded me of how that place felt. I am glad I'm out, and I hope it won't affect my love life in the future. But that's my scar.

[thedivahrrrself]

I've been fortunate that I've had relatively healthy partners, save a couple. I think overall, I've become much healthier and thus more able to attract someone healthy, too. So that's the good news.

The "bad" news: I worry about losing my independence and my ability to think for myself. I worked so hard to get that back, that I'm afraid to get into another relationship and lose that. I don't think I compromise well.

I'm afraid of becoming somone's "half", like "Someone and partner", instead of a full person on my own. I'm afraid of always being referred to in context to my partner.

I'm also afraid of being found lacking in the intimacy department (I mean physical, as well as emotional). I don't enjoy a lot of activities that are somewhat "standard" (if that's the right word). An intimate relationship might just be too much. I hope not, though.

It sounds to me like you are afraid of losing your identity, of compromising too much. Why do you think that is?

I'm a believer that there is someone out there for everyone. You just have to be open, have realistic expectations, accept and love yourself. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I think that being realistic, but positively so, is what makes successful people. So keep up your hope. You deserve someone who is just right for you. :)

[Angeltoes]

Wow, that's hard. Makes me kinda of glad I was an ugly kid.

I do think that's a problem a lot of feminine women face. Society teaches us that our worth increases as people are attracted to us physically. It's bullshit, and I hope mothers aren't putting that crap in their daughter's heads these days. Too bad about the ones on Toddlers & Tiaras.
I was actually going to delete my comment because I think it came across wrong. You're right about Toddlers and Tiaras and the way parents sexualize and objectify their own daughters is sad.

[WolfyOne]

My biggest fear is losing my independence and that's hard for me to swallow. I lost so much of who I am in my last relationship and didn't realize it until it was over. I have never let myself do that in any relationship. I was always the strong independent one that had a hard time with change, but learned to compromise. I just don't know what happened to me in the last relationship.

Cleaning out my head and moving on has taken a few years, but I've done it. I know the next step would be dating again, but it scares me. I think someone would have to show an interest in me before I did them in order for me to open up a little more. I do know should there ever be a next relationship that it will be my last. I will take it slow and really get to know the person. If they can't move slowly then I'm not the person for them.

Also, I have one more move to make, to make yet another change in my life and it'll be my last move. So, if someone doesn't want to be in my space, I'm not the person for them. I can be stubborn because I've bent so much in the past for others. This time around, it'll be about where I want to be and whoever wants to travel with me.

Lastly, I know I have triggers that set me off, but would tell someone if they've touched on one of them, so it wouldn't happen again. I know my feelings seem to get hurt more easily nowadays.

Caring around old baggage is also a fear. What if a person interested in me, can't let go of old baggage and continues to bring it up? I've tried to work through all of my old baggage and just would like a fresh start.

So much to consider when relationships scare you or perhaps it's failure that's scary.

[thedivahrrrself]

I was actually going to delete my comment because I think it came across wrong. You're right about Toddlers and Tiaras and the way parents sexualize and objectify their own daughters is sad.

I don't know how you meant it, but I think it's a very valid point, especially for femmes.

I was reading another thread about attraction and a butch talked about how much they liked a femme's long hair, and I'm thinking I used to be a short-haired femme when I was younger. In the last few years I grew it out just to see how I'd look with it. People would try to tell me I wasn't really femme. My short hair didn't match their idea of "femme". I was just as feminine (maybe more so) then as I am now, but my attractiveness was minimized in their eyes because they consider long hair "feminine". My short hair was super cute, but it was hard not to internalize that sense of being unattractive.

I see a lot of femmes and hetero women who, particularly as they age, strive for their younger or skinnier looks to the point of taking extreme measures, and it makes me sad. Because these are strong, smart, beautiful women who are measuring themselves against someone else's standard. I with there was a way to help people see their own beauty.

[bcelly1894]

My scar use to be distrust in people. But I have grown better at trusting others.
I Am Blessed to be good friends with my exes, If that helps to shed some light on my growth.

My scar now is expectation of proper actions in an acceptable time period.
Good old impatience.
Not in the woman wanting to be with me Or in moving in with me.
That doesnt happen right away, I always try to pick femmes who dont want to move in until a year has passed by at least.

My insecurity is not wanting to have my time wasted.
The way that I try not to let that interfere with my relationships, Is combined with how I let any femme interested in me know about my insecurities.
I had such a military attitude about code of conduct and how a person should act and behave in the manner that they say that they do, And not portray characters to me, Or pretend to be someone that they are not.

I was hurting myself alot then, and making myself weaker and less desireable with by becoming full of distrust, anger and impatience.
And in turn I wasnt respecting the woman that I was with.
We were just two good people who shouldnt be together. Not evil or mean women.

I ask a tremendous amount of questions to a woman that has interest in me, or I in her. That is part of my growth.

I was attracting the wrong type of femme for me.
So, In order to break that cycle,

I made a list of what is acceptable and what isnt acceptable for My life.
And then I ask those questions right away.
And if something doesnt match,
I stop myself Or I stop her from the pursuit of romantic interest.

I also did this so that I would not have the baggage of anger or distrust by Me, carrying over into my new relationship.

So, I make sure that Im honest with any femme that likes me romantically.
I keep the communication going by letting her ask me any question that she wants.
And then she decides if she can handle my baggage of impatience.

[Elishat]

I don't trust myself, and I'm terrified of being publicly embarrassed. These issues are holdover from high school and university/grad school. I had a few bad relationships and false friendships, plus I was intelligent, but people skills?...Not so much. I called it the foot in mouth syndrome... I also still had no clue about my sexuality.

When I meet someone I start double guessing myself, did that sound stupid? Was that silly to say? Was it rude? Am I boring them? What do I say next?? Will they think my interest in X is weird? Am I talking too much about myself? They are probably not interested anyway... I get so wrapped up in these doubts, I end up sabotaging myself. Or running away.

I've been working on this, and I have gotten better. A few more years, and working in jobs where I have to talk with various people have helped. But still, when I meet someone I'm really attracted to my old foot in mouth syndrome tends to come back... and the doubts. It's still a work in progress.

[Amber2010]

I always feel like running from relationships.
My problem is I want so much from it and get so disappointed when not even
half of it comes true.
Yes; people start by being attentive and loving and you feel the intimacy growing.
Then I become their caregiver. The one to wake them for work, cook the meals, clean the house, push sexual intimacy, and take care of all of their needs and not getting the same in return.
I have been told I give what I am wanting for myself and get disappointed when the partner doesn't come through for me and then blame them when most likely it is me and my expetations of what a relationship should be.
I do take most of the blame in a break up I am not someone who says it is all the other persons fault. Maybe I am looking for something that just can't be in a long run of a partnership.

I think I should try to stay on a friendship level and if there are benefits that would be a plus.
I may be too needy for most.

[thedivahrrrself]

So, how do you keep these things from impacting your current or future relationships?

What do you work on to make sure you aren't painting someone with someone else's brush? (bad metaphor, but I can't think of any good way to say it)

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For me, my scar equates more to a fear I have, which probably affects my behavior in ways I don't realize. Maybe I am always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. I know I am more cautious than I used to be.

I can be needy sometimes and push people away at others. I often wonder what it is that makes me react differently at different times. I don't trust other people to be able to handle my worst emotions or my pain, so I don't often share those things (but I'm working on it). I have no idea where that scar lies, but I'm sure there must be one there.


So these days, I work hard to be more rational. It's not always easy. I recognize that if someone stops loving me, there's probably nothing I can do to prevent that from happening, so I just have to enjoy the moments where I know I am loved. We never know what the future holds. Que sera, sera... right?

Sometimes easier said than done.

[morningstar55]

fear of .......

abandonment
dis respectfulness on our relationship
lack of honesty
hidden agendas
lack of communication

[Fatale]

Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.

[Angeltoes]

Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.

I really appreciate that you're honest and upfront because your comment brings to mind one of my fears which is feeling unwanted, as if I'm an intrusion or as if I'm just temporary in hys life and hy knows it. As others have said, I too am needy – no joking. I think even a few people here can attest to that, but I'm also painfully upfront about myself. I don't want to hear, 'you have your friends and I have mine' or 'I need lots of space' because I don't and I don't want to be left wanting more unless it's in the bedroom and just for a little while. I want as much as hy is capable giving and that has to mean sweeping me off my feet and making me feel like the center of hys world. Or at least that our relationship is leading that way. It's much too much for some. I'm intense, ridiculously romantic and very sensitive and if ever someone wants to be with me that person is going to have to welcome that. I'm sure there is a scar that causes me to be the way I am but I'm not aware of it's origin.

Part of me wishes I could be tougher, mentally. I think I'd be much happier if I could not need so much. But it's not going to happen because I'm just not wired that way.

[MrSunshine]

Relationship fears?

None. If I had fears I wouldn't get into a relationship.

What I have learned over the years is this : not all people are compatibile.
If it smells like shit, guess what...

There is no point in bringing past crap into your current relationship, everyone suffers.
Let go and let live.

[MissItalianDiva]

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

[Fatale]

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

[MissItalianDiva]

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.

[Angeltoes]

As long as everyone is honest about what they want from the beginning then nobody is wrong. Maintaining is a little distance is probably the healthiest way to go anyway. Logically I know that's true but as long as we're being honest, my emotions usually win out over logic and I would not stop wishing for more if I cared about someone who held me at a distance emotionally.

[ruby_woo]

I'm another one who's scared of losing herself completely in someone else. I've done it before, don't want to do it again.

I don't want to give up my space anymore. I moved to another country (OK, Canada, but still...) to be with someone, gave up my my whole life in San Francisco, and moved into a tiny one bedroom apartment with another person. We didn't go out very often, I had a hard time making friends here, and my whole life basically became about her. Never again.

[aishah]

i love this thread idea. it's making me think really hard.

my biggest issue is that i suck at dealing with conflict and am a complete people pleaser. i'm also terrified of abandonment. (more because of childhood things than former relationships.) i can't deal with people being angry with me because i'm afraid they'll hurt me or they'll abandon me.

it's funny because c. has some anger issues and so we've definitely had to meet in the middle on this one. he's actively working on his anger stuff and i'm actively working on not avoiding conflict or trying to walk on eggshells/anticipate his moods, and not freaking out and panicking when there is anger or conflict.

on the upside, as i learn to communicate better and be more honest instead of avoidant, it has led to really healthy and awesome things in relationships because i'd rather talk about a problem than fight about it - that's just my personality. so we don't do the explosive fighting thing. i tease him about needing to have maintenance fights because we fight so little.

i struggle with other things that are not as huge of a deal for me...like, i definitely love my own space and my independence. and i have a tendency to fall hard and fast and get super wrapped up in new relationship energy. i also have a tendency to fall for people who are not as into me as i am into them, but i'm much better at letting go of those situations now than i used to be.

[thedivahrrrself]

Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.


Fatale -- I don't think that makes you callous or horrible in any way! I know some women (more women than men actually) who look at love as something that comes and goes throughout someone's life. Different people come into your life for a while and then things go another way. You learn something from each one and you grow throughout the process. It's not a bad way to look at things. It helps you to appreciate what you have.

I think, for you, dating someone like me would be a nightmare. You would have to find someone who either shares your attitude or is secure enough to realize that you will last as long as things are good and confident enough to think they're going to make it good for a long time.

For me, my ideal would be to love the same person throughout my life (and possibly afterlife), but I understand not everyone gets that. And for some people, it happens more than once. We play with the cards we are dealt.

[thedivahrrrself]

I really appreciate that you're honest and upfront because your comment brings to mind one of my fears which is feeling unwanted, as if I'm an intrusion or as if I'm just temporary in hys life and hy knows it. As others have said, I too am needy – no joking. I think even a few people here can attest to that, but I'm also painfully upfront about myself. I don't want to hear, 'you have your friends and I have mine' or 'I need lots of space' because I don't and I don't want to be left wanting more unless it's in the bedroom and just for a little while. I want as much as hy is capable giving and that has to mean sweeping me off my feet and making me feel like the center of hys world. Or at least that our relationship is leading that way. It's much too much for some. I'm intense, ridiculously romantic and very sensitive and if ever someone wants to be with me that person is going to have to welcome that. I'm sure there is a scar that causes me to be the way I am but I'm not aware of it's origin.

Part of me wishes I could be tougher, mentally. I think I'd be much happier if I could not need so much. But it's not going to happen because I'm just not wired that way.


Angeltoes, I believe you will get tougher mentally. Life has a way of helping us all out there. Look at where you were 5-10 years ago. Are you a little better now than you were?

Your post pulled at my heart, because I can be crazy oversensitive too. I'm better than I used to be, but it's a terrible burden on all your relationships - be they friendship or love.

I'm incredibly lucky. I found someone who really helps me grow in this area. He addresses my sensitivity and insecurities first, then explains the problem. He doesn't take it easy on me, but I think he approaches me in a different way than he probably would anyone else, because he realizes that I can be super-fragile, and I hold his opinion higher than just about anyone's. Even if he is furious with me, he makes sure I understand that I am loved.

And I think that's something we can all do. Regardless of what MrSunshine says, I think almost everyone goes into a relationship with some kind of baggage. It's our own responsibility to let it go and work on ourselves, yes, but we can all be better at relating to our partners and making sure we address their needs and are sensitive to their scars.

[thedivahrrrself]

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.

[starryeyes]

I don't have any fears other than fact that my partner is 20 years older than me. I get afraid that I am going to be alone sooner than I want to be, or go through issues with her aging when I am still relatively young. I am a freak when it comes to thinking about the future and being paranoid anyways, so that doesn't help. We talk about it and deal with it. We are both in it for the long haul, so it is what it is, regardless. I just can't imagine my life without her, so that's what gets me all scared.

[Nomad]

i thought i had too many fears to count but then i realized that the real issue is that i'm afraid i wont be accountable enough to and for myself

[MissItalianDiva]

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.


Ummmm don't even go there lol the mere thought of sharing closet space gives me panic attacks..lol just not going to work

[tazz]

my fears are abandonement; i also have a strong personality (i've toned it down a lot) and a lot of peeps choose not to deal with me instead of communicating.

few tend to have patience to get to know me to fully understand and adore me.

i take a lot, and i also give a lot in return...

who i have attracted has always been an issue, since my self-worth was not always that great... it's gotten a hell of a lot better.

i'm not afraid to up and move, since i consider myself a "mobile" individual. there are a few places i would rather live than in California.

do i have a handle on my issues...? You Betcha...

it's not always easy for me to meet and get into a relationship... i'm very jaded and cautious... but once i feel i can trust, my world and heart opens... and it wont take an ice pick to get there ;)

i used to be a "people pleaser"... not so much anymore... either you like me and accept me or not...

~namaste'

[D Phryxus]

A lot of my relationship fears and concerns relate to my own self-esteem. i know this and admit to it.

I am poly and I am married to a man. WE have dated separately and we have dated the same person in both closed and open relationship.
The fears that developed after a few tries at dating the same person is a few of them about 3-6 months into dating have broken things off with me saying that they are only interested in my husband and do not find me sexually attractive.
This was a low-blow. I felt like it was the equivalent of taking my self-esteem and throwing it on the ground in order to stomp on a few times before throwing it into a meat grinder.
(side note: my husband did not continue dating these woman because he felt they were not open and honest enough about what they wanted and resented their treatment of me)

As someone who is naturally nervous about approaching women in general...the previosu relationships caused me to wonder if any woman would ever be interested in me.

I ended up dating again but I still have these insecurities about my own attractiveness, especially when it comes to sexual relationships.

[SirenManda]

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

[Asari]

At times I'm afraid that I'll never have a relationship at all. Im not that old but I have never even held hands with someone.... except friends and family. :innocent:

[JDeere]

Insecurity
Fear of being abused
Fear of being cheated on

[Shystonefem]

It's funny, I never had any insecurities until the last relationship.

I am afraid to open up now. Kind of like "anything you say can and will be used against you". I won't discuss my fears or dreams too freely.

I have a fear of being cheated on. I was a VERY trusting person, now, I am not sure that I would ever be as trusting again.

I am afraid of not being good enough. I don't want to have to try hard to be someone I am not, just to be accepted or considered good enough.

I am now a runner. I was never a runner before but now, I look for "warning signs" and, even though I am not dating anyone, I know for a fact that the first time I saw even a smidgen of my ex in someone, I would run. I look for reasons to not be interested and/or to equate others with my ex....

I am afraid to give my heart completely because I am now afraid that my heart will be crushed without thinking twice.

I didn't realize that I had soany fears until I thought about it. The old me is definitely not around anymore. I no have that spark of fearlessness when it comes to getting in a relationship.

[JDeere]

Rejection, is a really big fear for me.

[Daisy Chain]

Truthfully I know I am quite damaged through many experiences in life. But I can also say I have grown and healed a great deal in recent years, not least through the unconditional love and understanding from my loved one.

I few I can think of straight off are....gifts: I used struggle to allow Hym to send me things.....in my crazy childhood I always had to `pay` in some way if I received anything, either material or a nice experience, attention etc....so I have a default emotion of fear when I am blessed or happy about something...I have come a long way in this. Hy has finally taught me that Hys attentions and generosity do not have a price tag.

Another would be feeling `not good enough`....in many ways but one example would be that when we first found each other despite mailing and speaking on the phone for...wait for it.....maybe 6 months....it was only then I felt confident enough to send Hym my photo. It was all credit to Hym that despite asking a couple of times, when I stalled Hy would laugh and say it didnt matter as Hy adored me anyhow no matter what I looked like.

There are quite a few more but to be honest I dont really want to visit that head space for long so I`ll leave it there....

I would happily say that I am far more whole and healed now than I was few years ago.

Daisy :bouquet:

[Zimmeh]

I have been through a lot of emotional and physical abuse as a child. There are times, when I'm afraid to allow someone to love me. This type of insecurity is something that I continue to work on. As a result, it can end a relationship and then I become depressed. Being a Capricorn, I love to help people out and this helpfulness has been taking advantage of by former partners. I am learning on a daily basis, how to be there for people but not give 100% of my help to only one person.

I am afraid of rejection and having my heart broke. That's why it takes me so long to trust my next partner.

Zimmeh

[Karysma]

Intresting topic. I have been thinking alot about this lately.

I think my experience reflects alot of those here... a fear of rejection that stems from a feeling of not 'being enough'. I don't know how this can be avoided when you have been through the end of a relationship which in fact PROVED that you weren't enough and were summarily rejected. Unless you are the one who always done the leaving I don't know how this can be avoided.

My last partner made me feel like I was made for her and that what we had was special and unshakable. I am now left trying to internalize that it wasn't special - and was like so many others that have blown up was just a made up illusion that was based on fundamental lies. This is the only thing that has helped me come to terms with something I never thought I would be able to live without.

I have become acutely aware of my shortcomings as an intimate partner and am currently trying to address some of these things. This apears to walk the fine line of being the person you are, verses changing yourself into something else in order to sustain a relationship. I don't want to be what I'm not but I do want to be the best version of what I am in order to maximize the happiness in my life. The difficulty is determining the difference...

[Tuff Stuff]

You know what hurts and left a huge hole in my heart...a Femme saying she's your soul mate and during some of the hardest times in your life she leaves you..not even a letter,a phone call,nothing...u just never hear from her,again.

I haven't moved on from loving her...i'm still here if she ever wants to come back.

[JDeere]

Dating is easier when it is just dating, but when it reaches more than dating, that is when all things that could go wrong, go wrong. I say stupid shit or do something stupid and not realize it and it causes issues.

[TruTexan]

I've already faced 1 of my fears: was told my ptsd and anxiety was a deal breaker for a relationship. OUCH!! that really hurt me deeply. I can't help that I have it. It's not like I went out and said that I wanted to have PTSD and anxiety and I got it. GEEZE

I've always been afraid of someone rejecting me because of my disability status and I was rejected. I can't work anymore because of physical disablement with my lower back and then there's my ptsd, anxiety, and depression that goes along with my back injury. I already feel less than, I surely didn't need to be rejected and told that.

I guess I'm just not good enough anymore. I don't know. Sometimes I just can't seem to feel any other way.

[homoe]

Being totally waylaid once again:|

[Turas]

Currently, my biggest relationship fears are:

* Moving too quickly and not first developing a deep and abiding friendship (ie not taking the time to REALLY get to know someone before jumping in the deep end)
* Losing my sense of self
* Not being accepted for all of me, just the way that I am (I don't want to feel like I have to hide any of my many facets in order to be loved)

[ksrainbow]

I have none showing and no fears.

[cinnamongrrl]

I fear being smothered and losing myself....

[Shystonefem]

I've always been afraid of someone rejecting me because of my disability status and I was rejected.

I guess I'm just not good enough anymore. I don't know. Sometimes I just can't seem to feel any other way.


I truly believe that you attract the things you focus on. I know so many people that can't work for one reason or another, it doesn't make them less of a person. Try to stop focusing on things you don't want and "not being good enough" and try to focus in what you want.

Where thoughts go, energy flows.

Just my unsolicited advice.......

[MysticOceansFL]

Is that my partner mistaking my concerns of her well being as if I'm playing a role of " mothering her " and that's not the case at all that's just part of how I am as well as " mis-spelling a few words once or twice" I think people trying to get to know each other online or real time it can be done everything takes time and trust and both people compliment each other not signaling one out from the other but yet they both should intertwine with each other as vines coming together to form a solid foundation of oneness but yet not losing a part of each other. Lots of trust and love plays a huge part for me and you don't have to agree on everything nor do you have to have every common interests I think it's best to have a little of both that way no one feels neglected or suffocated.

[Venus007]

I tend to lean toward the rational and being overtly emotional is sort of a second, or hell perhaps a third, language to me. I mean of course I do display emotion but the issue is that it doesn't seem to be enough for most people. As an added issue I tend to be a very independant person and enjoy nee require solitude to recharge.

My fear is that this will be taken as not loving the person I love "enough" or over time it will weaken the bond I have with someone.

The whole romantic thing doesn't come naturally to me, I have to set reminders on my calendar or create a plan in advance to execute. This, I fear, comes across as forced sometimes or it is insufficient to satisfy the required dose of romance.

So often it feels like I am from another planet in a relationship and don't understand the required customs and social expectations, I sometimes hurt their feelings and don't know how it happened. I guess my fear is that I will never learn the culture of their bird to my fish.

[imperfect_cupcake]

So many in the past year. People seem to want to go far faster than I do, in terms of how often to see someone or how often to talk. I'm shattered (extremely tired) most of the time with school a don't often have the energy to go out. My classmates and I send each other texts teasing each other about how often we are in bed.
I am scared of people pushing me to be more emotional, more available time wise, more care taking.
Having been through so much co-dependant re-learning and counseling and learning about healthy boundaries... I find most people I date respond poorly to boundaries. For example I'll say I'm sick and can't make a date, got sent home from school so very ill. I will contact you when I'm feeling better.
I'll get, from people I barely know and have only met once or twice

Can I come over, I'll look after you
An email 15 hours later asking if I'm better and would I like to meet up
How about now? Are you feeling better now?
Long winding emails talking about their day when I've said im sick and will contact them when I'm feeling better.

I could go on. What I find is, people don't listen to me. And the thing that turns me off the most is someone ignoring me and just barreling ahead with what *they* want from me. I find that turns me off someone now in seconds. If I have to repeat myself, about needing time/space for whatever reason... I find the damage is just kind of done.

So I fear not being able to have my own space without fighting for it, I fear having to look after someone else to the detriment of my own needs.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Mine is always that my family will be too much. It usually is. Our life isn't easy, and even if we get along great as a two... when I let the kids in, that usually ends the pursuit. Whatever the reason that's given... "we just aren't compatible" "I'm in a different place in my life" "I think we will be better friends." ... I'm always worried that my overwhelming life (yes, its even overwhelming for me sometimes) is the biggest reason behind it all.

[Electrocell]

I find that I try to stay away from people that demand things of me. Had an ex of ten years would demand I do things and instead of being grateful for what I did would just demand something else of me. When I was doing it she would stand there and tell me how to do to do it. I'm one of these people it doesn't matter how you get the job done as long as the end results are right. If you have ideas fine, then tell me before not after I'm in the middle of the task ,when I have my own ideas figured out on how I'm going to proceed with a project. I'm doing the work after all.

[JDeere]

Fear of abuse! That is all that needs to be said on that one!

[cassiopeia67]

My relationship fears are someone who needs me in their life specifically for the benefit of financial gain. Another is being cheated on, that has happened to me more than once. To be honest, that is why I am single to this day (since 2012).

[Mel C.]

Baggage...
I think most of my baggage is related to self-esteem. I'm afraid of being the only person "in" the relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be enough....funny enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, young enough, thin enough, etc. I'm afraid that I will be abandoned. I'm afraid that I will be financially or emotionally abused. I think I am afraid of relationships in general :blink:

As for how to deal with the baggage in a new relationship, I haven't reached that level of enlightenment yet. I do try to be honest and upfront but I am still trying to figure out how much is too much and when is too soon.

[Tuff Stuff]

You know what hurts and left a huge hole in my heart...a Femme saying she's your soul mate and during some of the hardest times in your life she leaves you..not even a letter,a phone call,nothing...u just never hear from her,again.

I haven't moved on from loving her...i'm still here if she ever wants to come back.

No,i'm not here anymore.

[RockOn]

My biggest fear of all is to fall for another active alcoholic/addict. I turned 59 years old this past summer and I am totally "relationshipped out!" Did that make sense? I mean I am finished with that portion of my life and do not miss it. I will not get involved ever again. I am quite content with this posture. When I am 80, old and gray, chewing a wad of tobacco and spitting it off the side of the porch, their will be probably a half dozen or so dogs under my porch snoozing. Sitting there just thinking of my pack, the love I have for them will be more happiness than I could ever dream of.

[socialjustice_fsu]

Investing time, energy, money into a "relationship" only months later it's met with "I guess there is no chemistry." Being misled. Hopes and dreams being dismantled. Perhaps I don't need to have even one. single. expectation.
It is the road to heart-ache and resentment.

[JustLovelyJenn]

That I am the loyal... maybe too loyal... so loyal that I will not see their... disloyalty... it wouldn't be the first time.

[ForestGirl88]

Fear that no-one could really want a freak like me (I've been gay forever, tried to be stright, and everyone could smell it on me and didnt like me - heavily baptist/bigotted area and social circle/family).

Still working on this one, it is the root of all the others.

Also, that I am really just sick in the head and that is why I'm not streight. That comes from far too much hateful shit growing up.

[Nattih]

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

[nycfem]

My husbutch and I are both introverts and spend just as much time together as apart. Some people don't get it, but it's what works for us. Don't give up hope in finding someone who likes that way of life too <3


My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

[JDeere]

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

I have found myself with the same fear. I am a mix of intro and extrovert where I find it hard to find a good medium. :|

[imperfect_cupcake]

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

I'm an extrovert and I need one entire day to myself a week, just quietly in my room or apartment pampering myself. I don't want to hang out. Or talk. I need to sleep on my own. Eat by myself. For 24 full hours. And at least another two half days of 12 hours in there a week. I need my cave. I carry my connection to my partner in me, very deeply so I don't need constant attachment.

I will burn myself out looking after others, smother myself, starve myself of space, to make someone else happy. And I get sick. When I need time and rest I get accused of similar, and I date mostly introverts. I don't think it's extrovert/introvert ... I think it's people understanding that boundaries are not there to keep people away. They are there to create me space, you space and us space. I don't have to be merged with someone all the time. In fact, that makes me depressed. I lose myself. But the people who need that are usually codependent and have very scary places in themselves they hate and don't want to deal with alone. So they mask it by being merged with others. My introvert partners did it by using only me, because they found everyone else over stimulating, but having me stuck to their hip because I was non-invasive body company so they didn't feel lonely (I didn't speak or want anything from them) sort of like a human plush toy... Was very suffocating.

And of course I was nurse, cook, house cleaner, administrator/clerk/secretary for all bills and paperwork, grocery shopper, and because they hated talking on phones and dealing with people, I did all the phone calls, dealt with the banks and service people. On top of my full time job.

When I'd reach burn out and need rest, I was faking it, being melodramatic, having a drama, withdrawing and being distant and selfish...

So, I hear you.

[Nattih]

I'm really happy this thread exists. It has made me think a lot.

The biggest issue that I suffer through is pedestal syndrome (I totally made that name up, it probably has a real one). All my life I have been "the good one". I was the one who got excellent grades, I was the one all the adults dotted on as having excellent manners, the one who helped around the house and caused no trouble. I took that identity into adulthood and into my relationships, which has shown itself to be really unhealthy for my self identity. Most of my past partners have discovered that this was my "button" and noted how perfect they thought I was and how I would never do "XYZ" like anyone else due to my "perfection" or how they would not be able to handle it if I "did something wrong because I never act like others".

I now realize that this is a manipulation tactic, first installed by my mother, then discovered by significant others and even friends. Though I am consciously aware of it now, I still struggle with the idea that I must be perfect in order to be deserving of love and affection. I am on the dating market, so I automatically assume I get passed over due to imperfections that I must correct before I am able to be good enough for anyone to not pass over.

This post was too long and rambly, so I apologize if it makes little sense, lol.

[SaltyButch]

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

Ahh how I can relate to this, I am an introvert, most may have differing opinions and that's okay I know who I am. I have the same need for alone time as I do for together time and I'm a better person and partner when you understand my need for this.

In reading your later post as to the "buttons" I'm pretty sure we all have them and the fact that you have grown to realize what yours are only makes it easier for you to disengage from those who take delight in continually pushing them. I have emotional scars which may not be as readily seen as the physical but they are there and to me in some ways harder to reveal.

All I know is that when I find the right person she will accept me for me...all of me and should she have any physical or emotional scars I will love them because they make her the special gift she is.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Sometimes I feel like I forget what I am afraid of until I am staring it in the face, until I start to self-sabotage, expecting the worst. And then I have to figure out how to explain what is scaring me to someone who isn't doing what I am afraid they might. A lot of damage has left a lot of fears... I am not sure how to figure them all out any more. So, I guess I have to just deal with them as they come up. And I know that speaking them out loud is a good start.

Lately, I am afraid I am too needy (even though I'm pretty sure I am not)

I am afraid I that I am too intense, and my life is too much for people to deal with... so they will burn out and just walk away.

I am afraid that no matter how good I think it is... it won't last... because I am not meant to find someone.

There's a lot more... but right now, this is where I am at.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'm really happy this thread exists. It has made me think a lot.

The biggest issue that I suffer through is pedestal syndrome (I totally made that name up, it probably has a real one). All my life I have been "the good one". I was the one who got excellent grades, I was the one all the adults dotted on as having excellent manners, the one who helped around the house and caused no trouble. I took that identity into adulthood and into my relationships, which has shown itself to be really unhealthy for my self identity. Most of my past partners have discovered that this was my "button" and noted how perfect they thought I was and how I would never do "XYZ" like anyone else due to my "perfection" or how they would not be able to handle it if I "did something wrong because I never act like others".

I now realize that this is a manipulation tactic, first installed by my mother, then discovered by significant others and even friends. Though I am consciously aware of it now, I still struggle with the idea that I must be perfect in order to be deserving of love and affection. I am on the dating market, so I automatically assume I get passed over due to imperfections that I must correct before I am able to be good enough for anyone to not pass over.

This post was too long and rambly, so I apologize if it makes little sense, lol.

IT makes sense. I have different ones, for different reasons but the result was the same. I Was very codependent for a long time and thought for anyone to *stay* in the relationship I thought I had to make myself invaluable to their personal functioning. So I got people who needed me, usually addicts.

I no longer want anyone who needs me. The idea actually repulses me. I want people who can function just fine in their own life and don't need me at all. But they love my company. I prefer the idea of spoiling each other from time to time than being a linked team in order to make it through our days. I want sex, friendship and companionship, not co-functioning a household or looking after people. I can very easily look after myself if I have the flu. I've looked after myself with a pretty severe concussion. I don't *need* someone because the rest of my life has good support in it, I know how say no and mean it (and do it), I understand the point of healthy boundaries, I know my limits and respect them. Being guilted or pressured makes me angry now, not cave in.

I do love spoiling people. Not care taking. I want to adore my partner, be adored. Not needed. I find most people find my assertions to be romantically offensive.

[giggleluver]

After being alone for 2 years, I am worried how someone is going to be around my animals and how they will respond when I tell them I need my own space.

[rustedrims]

trust issues

[Teaandroses3]

Even at my age I tend to be optimistic and romantic. I still have trouble identifying the players until I get hurt. Then I look back and say to myself, duh, should have known!
So then on top of being hurt I feel really stupid.

[Chad]

After reading the posts here I have to agree that trust can be an issue. However, any issues that I had in past relationships I leave in the past. The issue belonged to that person in my mind.

Players, I have not thought about players in a long time and I doubt that I could spot one easily. I may have already met players and did not know it.

[dark_crystal]

Because financial exploitation was a feature of all my major relationships preceding this one, i get really freaked out when there is any kind of job-related problems.

When Mr. Jenny and I first got together I would freak out any time she hit her snooze button in the morning because I just knew she was going to be late and get fired

She found this very offensive as she has now been at the same job for 31 years and I should have been able to see that as proof that she knows how to not get fired

She's right. It was all my issue

[dark_crystal]

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

This is a big one for me, too. I have had partners that could not wrap their heads around wanting time alone. There was not space in their mind for the concept. They could only see it as a rejection of them.

I am a very tightly wound person, and have had to learn the hard way that self-care is not an indulgence, it is actually necessary for me to be able to function productively in any context.

I started putting hard limits around certain days of the week and certain hours of the day about twelve years ago. If I do not have those periodic discharge/recharge periods between each role performance (director, student, daughter/sister/aunt, partner), I will have regrets for poorly-considered choices, unrecognized opportunities, forgotten talking points, math errors, typos, distractions, talking out of my ass, etc.

My current partner is really easy to be around, though. Sometimes we are on the couch together and I am reading or writing and she is watching HGTV and I actually forget she is in the room. She's totally self-actualized and can enjoy my proximity without demanding any attention at all

But it helps that she works Sundays and I don't, and I work occasional evenings and she doesn't. And that her workday starts four hours before mine does, even when I don't work late.

[JDeere]

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

[ferret]

Ugh. Where to begin. I'm content being single and am enjoying my life for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm happy. I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone. Yet...I miss companionship and intimacy.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to make the same mistakes I did before - IE - Settling for someone who is absolutely no good for me. Getting with someone because maybe I'm desperate on some level, or...I'm not getting any younger, and the clock is ticking.
My last relationship really did a number on me - being with someone who was controlling, who I felt like I couldn't talk to or completely couldn't be myself around because I was going to be judged. It was just a bad, bad situation all around. Yet loyal me hung in, hoping it would somehow all get better.
So...I suppose I'm torn between my life is fine as is and I'moved enjoying it. I don't want to ruin my happiness somehow by putting someone else in the mix. On the other hand, I don't know if I want to be perpetually single, either. I think I'm a genuinely decent human being who has a lot to offer someone.
Sorry if I'm rambling here, but these are things I think about quite often.

Sue

[Gemme]

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

[JDeere]

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

[Gemme]

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

Adoption does lend to abandonment issues for a lot of people. I get that. I have my own abandonment leanings as well. Absolutely. And your feelings will happen. For sure.

BUT

You are the one who determines your behavior based on your feelings. Everyone has feelings of fear or loss, etc. It's how we cope with those feelings that help us get through our lives. We can either help ourselves or hurt ourselves with our responses to these feelings. I've been on both sides of this and have successfully dealt with some pretty narly stuff and have also been mowed over by my feelings and let them run the show instead of me. That never ends well.

I used your post as a jumping point but wasn't necessarily directing it at you specifically, hence the 'general' you parts. I just want to make that clear.

[JDeere]

Adoption does lend to abandonment issues for a lot of people. I get that. I have my own abandonment leanings as well. Absolutely. And your feelings will happen. For sure.

BUT

You are the one who determines your behavior based on your feelings. Everyone has feelings of fear or loss, etc. It's how we cope with those feelings that help us get through our lives. We can either help ourselves or hurt ourselves with our responses to these feelings. I've been on both sides of this and have successfully dealt with some pretty narly stuff and have also been mowed over by my feelings and let them run the show instead of me. That never ends well.

I used your post as a jumping point but wasn't necessarily directing it at you specifically, hence the 'general' you parts. I just want to make that clear.


I know what you meant by the general parts. I'm pretty much giving up on this one, one thing I can't stand is lack of communication. I'd rather be alone then deal with the bullshit.

[DapperButch]

I have commitment issues. I had a girl crush my heart freshman year of college, but other than that, I have no explanation for it. I always wonder if the person is the "right one", so I struggle doing the "full commitment, lets make this forever/let's get married thing". As you may guess, it impacts my relationships. :blink:

[TL1]

Mine is trust. I tend to pay attention to actions. (Actions speak louder than words) sometimes this is bad. A lot of times when I've thought something I was right. Because of this I have been known to walk away.

So yeah..... Trust. I'm working on it.

[randrum]

That I'm not good enough. Or worth the time/effort.

[girlin2une]

That I'm not good enough. Or worth the time/effort.

I have also had this fear... there are past issues that may contribute to this, however, I am working on it, so hopefully with a little bit of faith and patience (on both mine and my partner's part) it will help...
In the meantime, I am in a happy place.

[McGeek]

I feel good enough, but broken..so im terrified to let down my guard

[catlady]

I've always had a fear being neglected or "abandoned" in some way. In my past non-romantic relationships, I've always been a "third wheeler" type of person. In my current relationship (which is my first), I still encounter the neglect feeling... feeling that my SO sometimes puts others before me... Of course I'm always the one who is overthinking :(

[CherylNYC]

I'm a runner. When my date/gf/partner says anything that sounds like commitment I invariably have to fight off that old panicky feeling and practice staying present. I do far better now, but I think I must have tortured my early girlfriends during the time of my life when it was easer to stampede me. Now I just warn anyone who dates me that they should act as if I'm a half-feral cat. You know- 'Here kitty, kitty...' And don't make any sudden moves.

Where does it come from? Oh, the usual bad family issues. And now I have extra baggage from losing two previous relationships to accident and illness. Those deaths certainly registered as emotional trauma for me. Now not only am I somewhat skittish in romantic situations, when I do get involved with someone patient enough to let me warm up on my own schedule I start having irrational fears that she's about to die on me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'm a runner. When my date/gf/partner says anything that sounds like commitment I invariably have to fight off that old panicky feeling and practice staying present. I do far better now, but I think I must have tortured my early girlfriends during the time of my life when it was easer to stampede me. Now I just warn anyone who dates me that they should act as if I'm a half-feral cat. You know- 'Here kitty, kitty...' And don't make any sudden moves.

Where does it come from? Oh, the usual bad family issues. And now I have extra baggage from losing two previous relationships to accident and illness. Those deaths certainly registered as emotional trauma for me. Now not only am I somewhat skittish in romantic situations, when I do get involved with someone patient enough to let me warm up on my own schedule I start having irrational fears that she's about to die on me.


I so relate to this!!!
Mine I joke comes from lesbian dating PTSD.

I find it very hard to attach to folks these days and I need people who are patient, confident, and easy going rather than grand gestures, intense romantics, who like overstatement.
All of those things will make me panic and run. It comes from experience of being with very intense romance driven partners who need to be distracted by the butterflies of being in love - they need to have that constant limerance feeling. And when that fades, as it always does, they freak out and leave. Usually 6 months to 2.5 years later. Also their drug use (yes pot counts) or alcohol use patterns didn't really become clear until a crisis or heavy stress happens.

I generally don't make my mind up about compatibilities until I've been seeing someone for 8 months or so. I kind of need to see how we deal with stressful disagreements, or how are differences in values and goals clash, before I will start to actually decide something can honestly work.

Once I do decide, I am nervous they will discover I'm unattractive, or that I'm not as spectacular now the butterflies have calmed down for them. I genuinely don't stop having low level stress about them taking off because they are bored or disillusioned with who I *really* am and not the fantasy me they had a crush on when they didn't know who I actually was - until 3 years in. Because that was when it usually happened.

Plus the last 3 relationships ended with the other person fucking off with someone else.

And if one more person pushes me to commit faster than I am comfortable with because I need to know who they are and that they like me for me, and not and idea of me, and says "you shouldn't punish me for the shitty things other people have done" or says "but I'm different, I'm not like everyone else" (said everyone I've ever met) I will push my dinner up their arse.

I'm just terrified of getting involved with another addict of any kind (yes, pot counts), or someone who is addicted to "being in love with love" instead of being in love with the friendship they have forged with me through expereince.

[Shystonefem]

I was a runner, even up to 6 months ago. It took a while to work through the remnants of my last relationship.

My relationship ended in 2014 and I swore off dating, lol. I just had to go through what I had to go through.

I had relationship PTSD for almost a year an a half. I had a choice to either work through it or stay single forever. I chose to work through it.

The best thing about the work I did, I feel good about myself, I learned a lot about who I am and what I want and I now have boundaries whereas I never had them before.

It is the hardest thing I ever did, but I came out the other side and it is much better on this side.

All I need is Botox and I will be perfect. LMAO. J/K

[Demure]

I've been single for 7 years as I made a promise to myself unless I can be honest about my needs or wants and able to say 'what about me' then I wasn't gonna date.

I am by nature a carer and giver which was taken for granted but it wasn't really their fault as it was a defence aspect on my part. Give them what they want so they won't need me. Sounds cold but I mean as I'm very protective of my own personal space emotionally, physically etc. But problem was it came back to bite me in the ass cus the odd times I said I wanted a hug the reply was well what about you? Shocked that I had asked. Example in a 3 and half year relationship I asked for a hug 5 times.

So still not dating as I can't allow someone to be close enough for me to relax with them

[Kätzchen]

I can totally relate to the term (s) describing "relationship PTSD (R-ptsd)."

I think that I still experience R-ptsd to an certain degree, but I think it's more like an acute awareness of things I won't tolerate or won't allow to have any place in my life.

Things that trigger my own type of R-ptsd are items related to potential dates or person's of interest who exhibit what I call exceptionally revolting behaviors: Behaviors exhibited which denote anything typically associated with addiction or control issues. For example.... manipulation, overt or covert deception, or anything that even has a whiff of 'red flag' status will trigger me to take flight and run in the opposite direction. I can certainly relate to Cheryl and cupcakes experiences in life.

There's this social expression that I whole heartedly believe in.... the saying about knowing a great love and that once you've experienced something so incredibly wonderful: Like, it's not something that is replicated in the same way, ever again, because that particular type of relationship experience is unique to the two people who shared that special love, in that particular time and space in which it developed.

I'd also like to say that I've been a member in this community for a number of years, ss well as a member in the prior dash community, because it's a place where I can share facets of my life, the way i think ...with other members... so we can communally explore our way of thinking or by private self reflection or by adopting ideas or rejecting ideas or by tempering our personal cosmos with ways to process our ideas and/or beliefs. Ideally, that's why I've been part of this online community.

I'm not here to find anyone or any some-such thing. If I want to date, there is plenty of opportunity among my own small groups of friendships (here at home) to do such a thing. I've accepted dates from people I've known for a really long time. Conversely, I rarely accept an date with anyone I hardly know.... if ever, nowadays.

But I so relate to the relationship PTSD dilemma. I'm always interviewing potential dates. I guess one could say I'm typically in "interview mode" -- mostly because of my extensive life experience in casually interviewing people, seeking information to help identify the exact nature of what end result they're after (professional trade)... Or by interviewing people to add toward a body of evidence (for example, an scholarly study).

I am compelled to add toward this particular sphere of ideas, as it relates to relationship PTSD, because I think there's an awful lot of us out there who share similar experience (s) in life.

I think it's safe to say that I definitely have an developed sense of acute awareness of relationship PTSD. It's a feral thing, in many ways, for me.

And, I'm okay with that. I don't consider my acute awareness as fear of .... anything. If anything, it just helps me to examine my own priorities and to know that it's healthy to know what works for me, to ensure my own sense of safety, my own sense of pleasure, my own sense of sexuality or any number of things I dwell upon in my own private cosmos.

[Bubala]

Trust issues.... I'm a closed book... When I was young I strongly believed that "whatever you let people know about you they can and WILL use against you...it's not the question of if, but rather a question of when!".

In general I am a very kind, happy, warm person towards those around me.
For some reason that results in people opening up to me inexplicably and effortlessly... and that can be heavy and scary!

Friends tell me the strangest secrets.
Butches cry... yes they do, G-d knows why...
It is so awkward.... at times I wish to ask - what is it am I that ugly??? lolol
Guess your answer... they'd keep on chasing me... and I'd rip them open just like that just by standing there and not saying anything.... I still do not understand what kind of horrible witchcraft is it that i posses to make everyone feel.... something so heavy... it scares me. I'm a good caregiver I guess. lol ...and they just want a hug? lol

I'm warm and kind and nurturing...yet I remain a closed book...
Even Thor does not know much of me... Hy has seen the most I was able to share... more than any other human being...yet it's far from cover to cover...

At times I am ashamed of my inability to trust my inability to connect...
Life is a cruel journey... I'm a survivor... I'm a runner... a forever a refugee, keep on running always keep on running... I chose to only trust partially to the one who could keep up and run with me!

I run as if my life still depended on it... any attempt to stop might be hard landing and I'm still not ready to accept the challenge of cracking in front of another human.

[introverted1]

Having emerged from a divorce seven months ago (I have the dubious distinction of being probably THE FIRST same sex divorce in my state!), I have to say...as unattractive as this sounds, I have a definite fear of abandonment.

While I've begun dating again, my new relationship is a long distance one, which feels a bit safer to me- like a new relationship with training wheels attached.

I know that my fears will ease eventually. This is part of being human...we all endure transitions in life that scar us, but those scars fade with time.

[JDeere]

Having emerged from a divorce seven months ago (I have the dubious distinction of being probably THE FIRST same sex divorce in my state!), I have to say...as unattractive as this sounds, I have a definite fear of abandonment.

While I've begun dating again, my new relationship is a long distance one, which feels a bit safer to me- like a new relationship with training wheels attached.

I know that my fears will ease eventually. This is part of being human...we all endure transitions in life that scar us, but those scars fade with time.

I am right in the same boat as you, the fear of abandonment. I currently feel very abandonded by my ex, even though we still stay in contact but she is sending mixed signals.

[RockOn]

I do not have any relationship fears. The reason is because I intend to stay single the rest of my life. I am not missing out on a thing. Seriously!

It may sound like a cop out to some ... maybe it is, I do not know. I do know I gave the issue considerable thought before I reached this iron-clad decision.

What a freedom!

:)

[JDeere]

I do not have any relationship fears. The reason is because I intend to stay single the rest of my life. I am not missing out on a thing. Seriously!
:)

What do you think you are not missing out on? I am curious to know.

[Soft*Silver]

wow, this is a good topic!I too have (r) PTSD....

my fears..

being left because I am frail. I have had a couple serious accidents, and some health problems that have stolen my physical strength. But I only want to be loved for who I am, and am not. This is my reality.

sharing finances. I wont ever do that again.

Infidelity is a former fear. It doesnt worry me any longer. I use to be possessive but I have since come to a conclusion that going beyond your relationship, if consensual, is not a deal breaker. My husband and I are in an open relationship. And if we ever find a third, we are open to that as well. I no longer need sole rights to my person.

not being put first..letting another have a space that should be mine. I had a HORRIBLE experience with this and its probably the single most traumatic relationship issue I ever encountered. It will never happen to me again. Since then, I have asserted myself and made sure I was the chosen one, and if I wasnt, I moved on immediately.

I think my fears were all addressed and resolved in this current relationship between me and my husband. I honestly didnt think I would ever get into another relationship. My track record wasnt very good and I was a wreck, physically and emotionally, when I met my husband. We started out as friends and he became my physical caretaker after my first surgery. He refused to let me stay by myself and slept on the couch while I healed. Not for long...his kindness, and compassion, his ability to love and soothe me, manifested such a love within me. Time and a good person, heals all wounds, and fears...

[cathexis]

Seems like I'm in the same boat at several others here.

Have big time fear of abandonment issues. Sometimes my Partner must take

measures to quell lashing out and panic. Thankfully, She has a strong Alpha

personality.

[AmazonDC]

Hearing her but not being enough to calm the storm left from time..

[*Anya*]

I keep thinking about what I would really like to put in an online profile.

You know, the truly real one but it would be negative because it would have all the things that I sm still angry about with my recent (gosh, now 6-months) ex.

This you will never see in any profile in the universe but here. Of course, I probably share too much but my ex would never in a million years look for or find this site, so really: no worries there. She sticks to her financial matters, FB and emails.

You may say say to yourself: gee, I did not realize that Anya was an angry person.

Since I dealt with my now ex for almost 4 years and since every day I read about another Trump atrocity, yes, I have felt pretty pissed off lately.

Scars? Yep.

Here goes, the (too) honest dating profile, not well-written, not in any particular order so I would never in a million years post it:

I am looking for a butch lesbian that loves to give oral sex as much as she loves to receive it (and I do love to give it).

For real.

Someone that understands that good sex and the connection that it brings can be the glue that can hold us together through all of the hard times.

Don't make me beg for sex. It hurts me and makes me feel rejected. It is so simple to say, "I don't feel well right now, can we snuggle instead?"

I love to snuggle. It is truly loving to communicate honestly. It is the most loving thing that you can do.

A butch lesbian that understands that butch does not equal dominant and femme does not equal submissive.

A butch that accepts that I am not a submissive.

It doesn't mean that I would not like a strong (when life calls for it) and loving daddi.

I am not a slave and never will be one.

A butch that does know how to communicate feelings, both positive and negative.

If talking about feelings is hard for you, that is fine as long as you are able to tell me that it is difficult for you. If I heard a butch that I was in an intimate relationship with admit that-I would sink to my knees in joy.

Don't shut down. Don't stonewall me. Don't leave me to try to figure out for hours what the hell I said or did wrong. Don't silently punish me.

Conversely, don't say unkind or hurtful things that you can never take back.

They build a wall around my heart.

Reading this reminds me of a Planet member that put on her relationship status:

Too angry to date.

I guess that I am or I am just still too hurt.

I accept that there is a big part of me that must, ok, does; feel that I don't deserve to be treated with loving kindness.

I accept that it is sad that on some level, that it felt right or normal to be treated badly and to keep trying to make it work.

That is the most important scar to heal and I honestly do not know how to do that anymore.

[Chad]

A couple of decades ago I was in a committed relationship with a femme that was very violent and abusive. It was my first relationship like that so I was blind sided. She was diagnosed with a illness that I had never heard of and will not name here but later found out that it may have contributed to my experience.

I was bullied, threatened, held hostage, and abused both physically and emotionally. Since I had no experience with that type of behavior I had no tools to deal with it. My family finally saved me from her but not before the damage was done. It took years to recover from those scars but I did. I am still leary of that specific illness but I understand that there are a lot of variations of it.

I fight a lot harder for myself now.

[RockOn]

JDeere, I do not believe I am missing out or being shorted of anything by not seeking a relationship. I am content being single. I feel good about it too.

Course sometimes I look, see and get lustful but it does not drive me like it did when I was younger ... so very thankful for that! :)

Hope that answered your question.

[girl_dee]

the *Sheep in wolf's clothing* thing...

[*Anya*]

the *Sheep in wolf's clothing* thing...

I don't want to assume.

When I read this, I think of someone that acts nice in the beginning but then the real (not nice) person slips out.

Is that what you mean?

[girl_dee]

I don't want to assume.

When I read this, I think of someone that acts nice in the beginning but then the real (not nice) person slips out.

Is that what you mean?

Yes,,, right when the sheep let their guard down, the Wolf shows himself.

[Gemme]

the *Sheep in wolf's clothing* thing...

I don't want to assume.

When I read this, I think of someone that acts nice in the beginning but then the real (not nice) person slips out.

Is that what you mean?

I think that's a wolf in sheep's clothing, Anya, but it does have to do with misrepresentation of one's self and agenda.

[girl_dee]

I think that's a wolf in sheep's clothing, Anya, but it does have to do with misrepresentation of one's self and agenda.

RATS.. i am so dyslexic.

Thank you emmeG.......

[Gemme]

RATS.. i am so dyslexic.

Thank you emmeG.......

haha

Actually, I thought you meant it the way you said, but along the lines of someone portraying themselves as a bad boi but being a good lil schoolboi instead. It would disappointing if you thought you were getting a rockin' rollercoaster and you got the carousel instead.

That phrase can be turned around either way.

[*Anya*]

I think that's a wolf in sheep's clothing, Anya, but it does have to do with misrepresentation of one's self and agenda.

You know when I read it, that is what I saw! I did not see that she reversed it until you wrote this!

:)

[Medusa]

haha

Actually, I thought you meant it the way you said, but along the lines of someone portraying themselves as a bad boi but being a good lil schoolboi instead. It would disappointing if you thought you were getting a rockin' rollercoaster and you got the carousel instead.

That phrase can be turned around either way.

That's how I read it too and had a similar reaction!

Made me remember the time I dated someone (very long ago and not a person on this site) who portrayed themselves as being a nasty, experienced, toppy, strapping Daddy and they most certainly WERE NOT.

It was really disappointing and I felt sorry for the person thinking they had to create that persona but it was just flat-out dishonest so we didnt date long.

[girl_dee]

That's how I read it too and had a similar reaction!

Made me remember the time I dated someone (very long ago and not a person on this site) who portrayed themselves as being a nasty, experienced, toppy, strapping Daddy and they most certainly WERE NOT.

It was really disappointing and I felt sorry for the person thinking they had to create that persona but it was just flat-out dishonest so we didnt date long.

WORD.

i had a short D/s experience was with someone who claimed to have all of this experience, and wanted to get into this dynamic with me and pursue a relationship. it didn't take long for me to see she was not experienced and i lost all respect on every level (for outright lying) and that was that. i was fine, but for another submissive it could have been really bad.

we all put our best foot forward in the beginning, of course, but i try real hard to be my authentic me.

[JDeere]

I am just very insecure, so there are a lot of fears. I trigger easily these days and it put a damper on my last relationship.

Anyways, I like seeing how this thread has continued.

[ClintB]

I've had a lot of past girlfriends come down hard on me for not being attractive enough. I used to be really confident, now it's really hard.

[Mel C.]

Fear of abandonment. How does it play out in relationships? As a result, I withdraw, hold a little back so it doesn't hurt as bad when things go south. Knowing this, I have to work extra hard to allow myself to be open even though it makes me more vulnerable. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.

[bright_arrow]

For the first time in my life, I have zero relationship fears. We talk about everything. I don't have to worry when he is texting (rare as it is) if it's an ex or another girl stepping over bounds. I know where we stand, how he feels about me, our plans for the future, everything.

Growing up I had body image issues, depression issues, fidelity issues. Girlfriends dumping me for boyfriends but wanting to still be FWB, a girlfriend who convinced me I needed diet pills and a strict food regime to be more attractive, partners who would spend more time online than with me whether it was gaming or talking to other people. I've felt not worthy enough, not pretty enough, not wanted, always waiting for the shoe to drop, for something, anything to happen and lose it all. You know, general insecurities I guess.

I am an introvert, I like my alone time and sometimes it is necessary, but my partner is understanding of that. I've always worried it would feel a partner feel rejected but it is necessary for my mental health, for our relationship. I need recharge time, whether it is mindlessly binging Netlflix or cuddling or sitting and reading for hours or just some long, slow, loving sexy time. If I can't get that, any relationship I am in is doomed. Sometimes I just need to quiet my mind, sometimes I am just feeling down/sad/'off', sometimes I just really want to read a book I am sucked into or I become a bitch, LOL.

So yeah. Current relationship fears are non-existent and it still amazes me somedays. I never looked into it so deep before, and now it's like a lightbulb has gone off :praying:

[TL1]

I didn't want to admit it but I had a pretty big fear of abandonment. Also a lot of insecurities. I took time and found a content spot within myself. Things are much better now and I'm happy.

Trust though.... I think I will always be on guard to a certain extent in that area. Not to a point of insanity but I keep my eyes open.

[JDeere]

I'm seeing a pattern, alot of us fear being abandoned.

[girl_dee]

i don't have abandonment issues i don't *think* but i do often fear that something GOOD may happen so i sabotage it.

[Gemme]

i don't have abandonment issues i don't *think* but i do often fear that something GOOD may happen so i sabotage it.


Yep. Self-worth stuff. I have that.

[girl_dee]

Yep. Self-worth stuff. I have that.

unless you are a complete narcissist we all have that, but to a different degree.

((((((((((( Gemme ))))))))))))) you are worth it girl

[Gemme]

unless you are a complete narcissist we all have that, but to a different degree.

((((((((((( Gemme ))))))))))))) you are worth it girl

Very true.

Thank you.

(((((dee)))))

[AmazonDC]

Yep. Self-worth stuff. I have that.

You have no idea just how amazing you are... your worth is beyond measure... never think you are without worth because I won't let you.. you are cherished and worth more to Me than I can put into words

[Gemme]

You have no idea just how amazing you are... your worth is beyond measure... never think you are without worth because I won't let you.. you are cherished and worth more to Me than I can put into words

Thank You. I truly appreciate this more than You know.

Old wounds do leave some pretty nasty scars, though, and that has been a big one for me.

[girl_dee]

my mind goes * what if this goes really bad??*

i have to say. * what if it goes really good*

Last year's broken heart to end all broken hearts has left major scar tissue and i cannot go near it now, or maybe forever

my submissive heart is very vulnerable and although well taken care of, its a deep part of my core, maybe even a deeper part of me than i thought.

[Kätzchen]

My last attempt at developing an romantic relationship differed widely from other romantic relationships I've had: It seemed like lots of things were evolving in natural ways and it seemed like we has lots in common but yet we also had striking differences. My ex boyfriend stated once, toward the end of our relationship, that I was so incredibly sweet, thoughtful and kind. Which, I can be. BUT, once I assert my boundaries, especially boundaries that I won't adjust, due to prior experiences within an romantic relationship, then it might look like I'm not kind, not tolerant or some such thing. I'm good at holding the line, concerning my boundaries, and I think that took him by surprise. So much so, that it spawned the hidden lunatic variable in his personality. Even at times, that he thought he could take me down or barrage me with enough horrid behavioral tactics, I would not alter my boundaries. Because, as I have stated above, prior romantic relationships that didn't work out, was my training ground on how to better assert myself and be my best, own protector.

I have learned so many things about myself, each time I venture down a new romantic path, but I'd say that particular scarring issues have actually shown me where I need personal growth or how to not blame myself for things I couldn't possibly know how to handle or how to be better able to see deal-breaker behaviors that I won't tolerate or let another person slide on.

I try very hard to be fair minded. To have an open heart. But I'm not going to place my personal safety in jeopardy because I have loving feelings for am romantic partner.

Although I have scars (baggage from prior romantic relationships), I take it as an personal challenge to improve the skills I'm not so strong on and to review my best skills, to make sure I'm using them in appropriate ways. I do that because I care about myself and love myself in ways that I hope is healthy.

[Soft*Silver]

I do not have self worth issues. I am not a narcissist either, lol. I had a really awful relationship with someone who did not value me at all and emotionally tortured me to the point of a mental breakdown on my part. As I climbed up out of that darkness, I vowed never to take my worth for granted, nor give it over to anyone else but myself. If someone doesnt value me as much as I do, I am gone. Interesting enough, I have not been hurt by anyone since then. I have drawn the line in the sand and dared people to cross it...and if they did, I offered no arguement, I was simply gone.

I owe that person alot. Sometimes pain is your best teacher...


Yep. Self-worth stuff. I have that.

[akiza]

i have insecurities i'm afraid that i won't love my partner enought loving someone takes time for me so my semi coldness may seems like i don't care but it's false just one of my wall of defense.i'm afraid to destroy a relation because of my fear and doubt i have to work on that also to forget myself in a relationship i'm not hard to live

[2qt]

I think I fear falling in love with someone again who is not on the same time zone as me.... Previous LDR/RLR was tough, the waiting, the expense of immigration visa's & the entire immigration process was gruelling & mentally exhausting... Personally for my relationship to not survive it has been a slap in the face & makes me wonder about myself, is it me? Am I expecting too much? wanting too much?,LDR's are they successful, and just love in general...

So I guess I need to acknowledge & face those fears & self doubts to understand why, so I don't lose the chance to meet the one that IS right for me in the clouded fog of failed relationships...

[imperfect_cupcake]

Being adopted etc, I used to have this *HUGE* fear of abandonment, like massive. It did make me really co-dependant in relationships, attach to people who needed me to function for them (people with addictions, or addictive traits) etc.
I had a massive no one will *really* love me, not the super deep bits of me, those are the bits no one can love *wallow wallow*, everyone will reject me in the end.

I admit I did have to do a shit tonne of therapy for it. And I did meet my birth parents.

I don't have those thoughts anymore. I have other ones lol, but not those ones anymore.

I realised that there are parts of my self that are actually *my* job to love. And just by me. They are my things for me, of me. My sacred special bits of me that I kept giving to other people and demanding they keep safe for me, it made me really vulnerable in ways that made me insecure. Like asking someone to carrying around your great grandmother hand blown glass christmas decoration all the time and never ever break it.

Basically, I had unreal expectations about other people, love, and responsibilites. I am responsible for those most sacred parts of myself. No one else. Just me. Not my mum, not my birth mum, not my friends, not a partner. Just me. That's it.

I thought that was a horrible and lonely thing at first and then I realised it's not because we all are. ALL of us are. And we can show them to each other. But it belongs in our own shoe boxes, in the centre of our own selves, where we have to feed and water and give it things that make it grow. That's nobody else's job.

And I know if I'm starting to feel too panicky about someone not responding to me, it means I've given them too much vulnerability, too quickly for my own comfort and I'm expecting them to make up for it by reassuring me with what ever response I think I need. But the original error is mine. I'm moving too fast with my own vulnerability for my own sense of comfort. I need more time to build more trust.

That's personally the way I look at it now.

Your milage may vary.

[*Anya*]

Somehow, I overlooked this in the thread.

I must be dyslexic, too, because it never looked wrong to me and I totally understood what dee meant!

Ha!

:)

I think that's a wolf in sheep's clothing, Anya, but it does have to do with misrepresentation of one's self and agenda.

RATS.. i am so dyslexic.

Thank you emmeG.......

haha

Actually, I thought you meant it the way you said, but along the lines of someone portraying themselves as a bad boi but being a good lil schoolboi instead. It would disappointing if you thought you were getting a rockin' rollercoaster and you got the carousel instead.

That phrase can be turned around either way.

[girl_dee]

that i will not make someone happy if i cannot be what they want me to be. i've finally learned that i just can't do that anymore.

[Gemme]

It's the craziest thing...some of my relationship issues that have plagued other relationships don't seem to be an issue in my current relationship so it's kind of like discovering a new, but familiar, world. Interesting stuff.

[girl_dee]

that hy will grow tired of me, especially when i am being a pain, and lose interest.

[imperfect_cupcake]

My relationship fears?

Becoming involved with someone who doesn't respect my independence, who makes demands, is jealous, wants to have highly emotional "discussions" all the time, pressures me to spend all of my free time with them, doesn't listen to me when I tell them "no" about things.

Pushes their wants over my nos, making it be about me withholding rather than me having a say of when I get to be vulnerable or trust. Someone who pushes me to give them vulnerability, emotional openness, and commitment when they want it, and not when I'm comfortable giving it.

Someone who changes their mind because of emotional moods.

Someone who wants me to be really traditional and shackled to their idea of love - which is dependence, submission, and putting them before myself.

That's my nightmare, really.

A petulant, demanding, very emotional, high maintenance, mercurial, butch partner who wants to be taken care of by a wife who is their live-in nurse, massage therapist, house cleaner, sex worker, and counselor.

That shit terrifies me! And yeah, I've seen it, lived it, and had dates phone me up or tell me drunkenly at 1am "you are the sexy, lovely girl I want to look after me, I can totally see you in my house... " etc etc etc...

*dumps them the next day*

I am terrified of being suffocated by people who don't care about who I am. Just who I am to them.

[Breathless]

I keep coming back to this thread like I should say something, however the thought in my head is IF I say it out loud.. that makes it real, head in the sand, I like to pretend that my 'issues' are, oh I don't know.. invisible?!
I pretend I am stronger than I really am, perhaps to convince myself that I can get through the tough times.... however I have also found that this backfires more often than not, as coming across unscathed gives the impression that I am a bitch (not in a good way) and that I am some how not shattered on the inside needing help with my broken pieces... I am really not good at asking for help or admitting I need it...

So I guess, rejection is the fear, or maybe someone agreeing that my pieces are are broken beyond repair, and perhaps not worth the effort.

[Martina]

I am single and regarding relationships, I think I am done. I have always chosen good people, smart people, kind people, but not the right people. And if I am honest with myself, I knew that going in. I don't regret my relationships, but I see no point in doing that again and no reason to believe I've grown enough to do it better. It's sad. But my life is not without love, just not romantic love.

[Lyte]

I wish I had something more substantial or revealing to offer like the previous submissions. My deep respect to each of you.

My fears are pretty basic at this point in my life ... will there be another? Having been single now for so long, it feels like I'm getting a lil too old for any of this "starting over" shit. :cigar2:

[Buckaroo]

after my last relationship, i realized for the first time in my life that i deserve better. I realized my self worth. It was so scary for me to say " I deserve better" I realized that im a good person, im honest, caring and compassionate and strong. For me it was hard to look at the good, it had always been easier and safer to look at the bad. I guess it made it easier to go through crappy relationships if you didnt think you deserved better. Well, now i know with the greatest clarity what i deserve and want. It has brought an immense sense of peace and fullness in my life.

[kittygrrl]

I just want to say it takes two, rarely is it ever just one person in a relationship which screws it up. I think lack of taking responsiblity for one's (own) actions makes things worse. It took me a while to figure out it wasn't only his fault, more important it was mine too. I've learned from my mistakes and it's better now.

[CherylNYC]

I think I'm probably done for this lifetime. I haven't been choosing well. Each relationship, (I almost wrote 'failed relationship'), has taught me a great deal about myself, but they've done nothing to alleviate my fears about the painful reality of becoming entangled with another person. They might have serious mental illness, or die on me, or turn out to be a consummate liar, or a thousand other possible negative outcomes which I haven't yet experienced, unlike the above mentioned negative possibilities which I have experienced.

I suppose that means I'm no longer afraid of what might happen in a relationship because I'm no longer interested in involving myself in another one. Do I fear the likelihood that I will not ever be in another romantic relationship? Perhaps. And I feel slightly relieved about it, too.

[girl_dee]

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*

[TL1]

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*


Yes I know this feeling.

Except the butch of my dreams part :cheesy:

[Bèsame*]

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*



That's how it's going to be for me. The rug is over there somewhere~~~~~~》

[JDeere]

Finding the right person at the wrong time but i think thats already happened.

[BullDog]

Fear that I have already risked all for love and won't be able to do it again.

After spending so much time being bold and brave for love and giving it my all and getting seriously burned and scarred in the process, and then finding the person who truly loves me and treats me better than anyone else ever has but staying in the safety of my cave.

Not being brave at the right time for the right one. I'm usually very bold in all matters but the scars do indeed run very deep.

[clay]

Fear that I have already risked all for love and won't be able to do it again.

After spending so much time being bold and brave for love and giving it my all and getting seriously burned and scarred in the process, and then finding the person who truly loves me and treats me better than anyone else ever has but staying in the safety of my cave.

Not being brave at the right time for the right one. I'm usually very bold in all matters but the scars do indeed run very deep.

Ditto, Bully!

I am not "scarred" but broken in spirit! Those breaks do run very deep. It will be a while time before I open myself up again like the past ones....

[Gemme]

I think I've already been through the big relationship fear and came out alive. Not unscathed, of course, but I'm able to live another day. Maybe even love another day, but that's not my priority or goal. I'm good with me.

I absolutely understand waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. It's the shadow on the edge that dims every moment of happiness, like you have to work extra hard to hold that memory tight before it's gone.

I have a tendency to give everything and that's not healthy for me. When I'm with someone, it's about us and the things I do work toward that but it's not always reciprocated or appreciated so I've swung back and forth on the pendulum either holding back too much for this person or giving too much and expecting too much from another.

Love is not about rainbows and fairy wings; it's science. It's pheromones and algorithmic formulas and I've never been great at science.

:blink:

[kittygrrl]

i just wanted to say..reading your comments has taught me some things about myself..there is truth here and much bravery..i truly appreciate you. thank you

[RockOn]

hooking up with a self-centered liar and all the behaviors that go along with that ... I used to be such a truster and believer ... I keep my distance "safe" now. I choose this because I enjoy my life so much better this way ... I would describe it as a type of calm happiness.

[Signmypapyrus]

Hm, I guess since I’m relatively anonymous online I can state my fears... 🙈🙈
Like most people, I fear getting hurt, but I think because of some childhood issues which I posted about elsewhere, I’m incredibly wary of letting anyone close. My closest friends said it took *years* to get to know me because I keep people at a distance, or as my sister said, I’m “prickly.” I love being alone and I love my freedom, but I live with the terror I’ll go through that childhood stuff again.
In February, I made myself go out on a date and I actually liked the woman, but I just imagined all the awful things she could do so it turned into an awkward nightmare. I bet she’s a wonderful person and I wish I could apologize to her, but my brain sort of goes into panic mode.

[introverted1]

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*




This. This is my fear exactly.

[girl_dee]

This. This is my fear exactly.

yes yes... i am glad someone understands... , i fear letting go and being totally confident that it will be the happy ever after that i didn’t think existed

[cathexis]

Fear of abandonment--Big Time.

Finally able to let go of control, but also can grab it back
when necessary.

[girl_dee]

i’ve lived a tough life, i fear being judged on it.

[Signmypapyrus]

Fear of abandonment--Big Time.

Finally able to let go of control, but also can grab it back
when necessary.

Yes, yes, and yes.

[WheatToast]

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

Seems like you'd be easy to deal with because you're so direct. I like that!
Anyway...
I've had a hell of a time trying not to overthink relationship issues.
I've had to overcome a lot of fixed beliefs and behaviors, like people pleasing, codependency, and erring on the side of being more reserved than I actually am.
I also had to learn that disputes happen, and if I don't advocate for my own position, she's not going to, either.
Also, I've had to release the belief that I was forever doomed to attract cheaters, users and liars.
Each time that's happened, I worried more and more that I would never find a woman whose values more closely matched my own.
To find my part in attracting some of these shady ladies, it took dragging myself back to early childhood and seeing how I learned to take on the role of the schlimazel (mom), because the schlamiel (dad) was a cheater and liar, which to me always seemed far more obnoxious, and even villainous.
I finally figured out I didn't have to choose either role, so I was free to give up my martyr's crown of thorns, and the lofty opinion I held of myself as being more moral than most. Ugh.
What fun it was to admit to myself that sometimes all I really want is to hit it and quit it. Turns out it's not scandalous; it's called being single.

I finally decided to turn all the complicated bits over to my higher power because I was exhausted trying to sort things out with women, romance and my bumbling assumptions.

Like a lot of butches, I'm often drawn to beautiful femme 'bad girls,' because they're usually sexy as all get-out and so much fun (until either my self esteem collapses because I think I'm not in her league, or one night she comes home late with rug burn on her back, smelling like some butch's Right Guard and Aqua Velva).

Even now, I'm slightly worried that someone will be offended by something I wrote, and lecture me about how I come off seeming too this or not enough that...but please don't. :)

[Chad]

I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.

Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family.

Femmes can be violent too.

[Gemme]

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*


You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

:weightlifter:

[homoe]

........:goodpost:.......

[girl_dee]

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

:weightlifter:

((((((((( Gemme ))))))))))))))

i absolutely hear you. i absolutely adore you, too

This is the stuff strong femmes are made of.

[~ocean]

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

:weightlifter:

lovers come and go ~ a good friend and family r always there :) enjoy the relationships wether they last or not your inner prevails !

[Femmadian]

Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...

[RockOn]

Relationship fears?

I have no fears because I am happier single.

Every tiny bit of my trust was used up years ago. I am okay with all that now and okay having made the choice to stay single the rest of my life.

For me, this is a good deal and so uncomplicated.
I love my quiet life with my dogs. :)

[CherylNYC]

Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...

Brilliant post. I've been asking myself exactly the same questions.

[JDeere]

Rejection

Ruining the relationship like my past ones have been before

[JustLovelyJenn]

Being the only one to do the work...

[babydollfem]

My biggest fear in relationships is not being able to comfort/help my partner when they need it, not being able to make them feel safe. Sure I'm scared of being cheated on or having my heart broken just like everyone else but that one is the worst.

[JDeere]

Not being able to adapt to what she needs

My family scaring her off, that's a huge one! I have judgy mcjudger pants in the family!

[JustLovelyJenn]

That all my "little worries" are more than the past trying to sabatage my future...

[Mel C.]

That new and shiny will wear off.

[~ocean]

That new and shiny will wear off.

the "new" does wear off ~ hence the inevitable ~ the shiny keeps on shining ~ with a look , a sexy grin , just the way u look ~

[girl_dee]

That new and shiny will wear off.

Oh my love i find you more amazing each day and i can’t wait to grow old with you.... it will always feel shiny and new!


pssst... i have the same fear

[~ocean]

Oh my love i find you more amazing each day and i can’t wait to grow old with you.... it will always feel shiny and new!


pssst... i have the same fear

so beautifully said ((((( dee & mel )))))))

[rustedrims]

My relationship fears came true and I didn't have to wait long. Best to know now. Small thing called trust and being safe. Lets not forget about my 3 little simple rules that are easy for me to follow.

[cathexis]

That new and shiny will wear off.

The new and shiny hasn't worn off in 25 years. I consider myself very lucky. We find something new and amazing about one another daily.
Went through two marriages ~10 years each before finding my true other half.
If you haven't found her/him, keep looking. They're out there.

[FireSignFemme]

When we were young her mother told mine how upset she was because her daughter had no friends. So my mom volunteered my services - would it really kill me to be nice to her? I don't know, with any luck. Well it almost got me arrested and she was hauled off to jail. Only then did my mother believe it was as bad as I said it was and no I probably shouldn't be forced to be her “friend” anymore.

Years later I got involved with a woman, kept getting the feeling I knew her from someplace but couldn't place where. She denied it. Well turns out she was that girl, all grown up and living with me because I didn't recognize her, but she knew me! She was like a vicious little psycho Chucky doll come to life when we were young, and decades later even more evil. It was like she had time to perfect her craft.

So one of my worries, concerns it that something like that will happen again. And I'd rather be single, single and celibite even for the rest of my life, than ever have anything like that happen to me again. I would like to be in a relationship but only if it's a healthy one, and that might take some work. And, well the older I get the lazier I am. I mean that's not a flattering thing to admit but it's true.

[JDeere]

My relationship fears came true and I didn't have to wait long. Best to know now. Small thing called trust and being safe. Lets not forget about my 3 little simple rules that are easy for me to follow.

This has been a reoccurring theme in my relationships. so I get it.

My main one is still my family, very judgy, no one is good enough for me deal.

[RebelDyke]

I admit i have shut down. I dont feel like getting invested in a relationship anymore. One month, 3years, 20 years. Nothing lasts. It is only a matter of time before it ends. Or you have to be highly tolerant.

Not saying this is this way for everyone. Kudos to those who have found a way to make it work. It is just no longer a thing for me. Relationships that is

[cathexis]

Relationships are difficult, they require much work and maintenance. Longterm ones tend to get a little easier as you get to know one another's reactions and idiosyncrasies, but like a garden has to tended daily or it will cease to be what you imagined when starting. Both my Partner and I work at our relationship continually, which is how we stayed together and in love for 25 years (in 2 mos). Also, we reinvent or tweak it every now and again. We make minor adjustments, but it has always remained D/s and strong.

[Gemme]

I admit i have shut down. I dont feel like getting invested in a relationship anymore. One month, 3years, 20 years. Nothing lasts. It is only a matter of time before it ends. Or you have to be highly tolerant.

Not saying this is this way for everyone. Kudos to those who have found a way to make it work. It is just no longer a thing for me. Relationships that is

I understand this feeling. While I've had great experiences with a very few wonderful people over the course of my life, most of my choices have not been wise. I got my mother's 'picker' I suppose. She was in a race with Liz Taylor to see who could marry the most before they passed. She was close, too.

I tend to go all in once I feel the relationship is solid and that's just not smart emotionally, psychologically and most definitely financially. Not with the people I choose. I lose my individuality and self and common sense too.

So, romantic relationships are no longer for me. When I was mulling it over...whether to 'keep trying' and 'putting myself out there'...I thought I'd be sad but I'm not. I'm content with the decision.

[Greco]

I've been thinking and most importantly feeling about this topic
all day today...and what I'm about to share is my decision...what
I know for myself...I've lived a good life so far, have had a twenty
year love that I will forever be grateful for...before she died she
told me to allow another love in my life. It's been many years
now and what I know for sure is that when that person and I
find each other, if that is to be...then it will be a gift indeed.
And if not, then life is still a most wondrous gift.

Do I fear betrayal? No, to each their own really...my heart and
mind have survived the darkest most painful times as many of you
here share...and when the greatest loss in your life happens...betrayal
is the least worry.

I will and do say, YES to love and friendship and know that if I'm
lucky enough to know my last day on this earth...then...well then...
I leave love and safety and caring...and a full life.

I'm not perfect G-d knows...my new wife will not be perfect...but
we are both human...and my desire is to continue living my life
as fully as I can and I KNOW that if and when she is to be with me
...then it will be good because we will allow it to be good.
I will be loved again and she will be loved fully as well.

Thank you for reading...I wish us all much love.

Greco

[JDeere]

Not having the communication I deserve.

[JDeere]

Mixed signals... Idk how to take them or decipher them.

[homoe]

~~
I don't believe I have any actual fears of another relationship, HOWEVER I'll never forget the feel of abandonment!

[JDeere]

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.

[Vincent]

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.
Can't argue with that one

[homoe]

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.


You got that right..........:hangloose:

[C0LLETTE]

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.

General response:

maybe mistrust is the original problem...who wants to put themselves out there for someone who has a wall of mistrust around them...you better be an incredible, desirable human being for anyone to make that major effort to get through/over that wall...and what the hell makes you think you are.

[charley]

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

[kittygrrl]

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

hi charley..i agree but also disagree...earned, means waiting for that person to score positive points, but, how can they score if they don't know what you value or your unspoken needs (besides the obvious)? Besides that nobody can
be good enough long enough to maintain your high standard..because if you've gone to the trouble of having a standard it's probably set fairly high..And, if you are so worried about someone earning trust..this means you are more worried about your needs being met..to be so focused doesn't leave much room to consider what the other person may need or want...why not enjoy each other's company and give them the benefit of the doubt?..don't go too deep too soon..find things you enjoy together and discover if you share the same concerns..etc..if you like her, build something together...just some of my thoughts

[RebelDyke]

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

I have known many people who adhere to this "rule of thumb". It is not for everyone though. I like to lead with trust in the beginning, because I accept a person unconditionally. However, I also follow this "rule of thumb".... actions speak louder than words...as well as, the whole golden rule: do unto others as you would have done to you. People will you show what they value...and who they value.. mainly by their actions. The golden rule also does not subscribe to one religion/faith/or belief, but followed by all. I am the kind of person who matches energy.. No two people will ever see the same side of me. Again, because i will treat them the way they treat me.

Now, if the break that trust... (where their words do not match their actions, or their stories are hard to follow... ) then it is good luck earning that trust back. Only a few people have been able to do that, and those people have been in my life for many years. For me, it weeds out those who want to be put on a pedestal and be worshiped versus those who want to talk next to me and have a mutual respect of being equals.

Please know.. this is merely my opinion and I am not saying my way is the right/only way.

I want to caveat that unconditionally part. Some people think that means unconditionally means they get an unconditional amount of times of repeating the same mistakes. That isn't true.. this is where the protection of me comes into play.. boundaries and limits.. it does not mean unconditional forgiveness.

[cathexis]

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

In my life before moving to where I am now, in the town that I grew up, people trusted one another until/unless that person gave a reason to withdraw trust. A little fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It's a bit like that saying, but I come from a place where people tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Quick to help a neighbor, would stay up all night if that's what it took to prime a neighbor's water pump or help get someone's furnace heating their home. We bring laundry in when it begins to rain, turn off car lights left on.

We don't allow ourselves or those we care about to be tricked or fooled, and not too many mess with our communities as they know the neighbors try to keep an eye one another knowing what's up.

Charley, if this doesn't demonstrate trust, I'm not sure what would.

[homoe]

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?



I'm not sure Charley but the one thing I DO know, once it has been broken, it's a hell of a job giving it back!

[rustedrims]

I see trust and helping each other out come up alot. When my finances are compromised you gotta go faster than you came. Just got back to work after 9 months off from a serious surgery. Took my credit card number home with her. She timed it so withdraws were made on valentines day. Yeah hundreds of dollars. Someone in here I trusted. Had her in my home.Thought she was going to be my forever girl. Scared to take that chance again.

Thank you for reading my troubles.

s

[homoe]

I see trust and helping each other out come up alot. When my finances are compromised you gotta go faster than you came. Just got back to work after 9 months off from a serious surgery. Took my credit card number home with her. She timed it so withdraws were made on valentines day. Yeah hundreds of dollars. Someone in here I trusted. Had her in my home.Thought she was going to be my forever girl. Scared to take that chance again.

Thank you for reading my troubles.

s

How despicable especially to take advantage of someone while they are down and recovering from a serious illness! So sorry this happened rustedrims.

[Stone-Butch]

I don't really fear but I am now much more aware. My last relationship was around two years. We decided to put things on an equal page. I had never put someone elses name on my property or vice versa except my 22 yr relat.) Anyway I woke up one morning and my "partner" was gone. Totally moved out. I was asleep in the living room. I got a note to pay up over $10,000 of bills we had accumulated as she was suppose to be paying them off with our joint account. Well, NOT. It took a good chunk of my bank account to pay it all off which I did right away as this can ruin your borrowing power. I have recouped most of that money and am back where I was but I will never ever do that again. She sent an email telling me I was an inconsiderate person and she could not stay with me. OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle.

[FireSignFemme]

"OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle."

LOL

[homoe]

"OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle."


.....:giggle:.....

[Stone-Butch]

I usually do anything I can to be a gentlewoman moe but I guess for some femmes it is not enough. Some like bad boys, well hell, I can do that too. LOL

[homoe]

I usually do anything I can to be a gentlewoman moe but I guess for some femmes it is not enough. Some like bad boys, well hell, I can do that too. LOL



Perhaps that old saying is right, nice guys finish last!?

[kittygrrl]

you're wrong..grrls want nice butches in the street, a Tiger in the sheets...it's what in your heart that matters most, are you kind, intense, give her your undivided attention that's sexy.. :clover:

[FireSignFemme]

Perhaps that old saying is right, nice guys finish last!?

No way. They only finish last with the type of femme nobody needs anyway. Better to find out before investing too much time, energy, $$$ - or whatever else on them. There are good femmes out there. They're worth the wait.

[Build A Bridge]

I respectfully disagree. They do not only want nice butches, Tomcats in the sheets, and undivided attention. They want to be wined and dined, and the butches to foot the bill. I'm with Stone on this one.

P.S. I am sorry that happened to you Stone.

[Vincent]

I don't really fear but I am now much more aware. My last relationship was around two years. We decided to put things on an equal page. I had never put someone elses name on my property or vice versa except my 22 yr relat.) Anyway I woke up one morning and my "partner" was gone. Totally moved out. I was asleep in the living room. I got a note to pay up over $10,000 of bills we had accumulated as she was suppose to be paying them off with our joint account. Well, NOT. It took a good chunk of my bank account to pay it all off which I did right away as this can ruin your borrowing power. I have recouped most of that money and am back where I was but I will never ever do that again. She sent an email telling me I was an inconsiderate person and she could not stay with me. OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle.

What a shit,sorry that happened mate.

I trust one person-ME

as a homeless street kid,I grew up knowing,their is one person here for me all the time.ME

Also I have heaps of red flags now
And actually like being single.
4 yrs of therapy helped,but I enjoy being alone and I'm 100% content and happy.
I actually feel sad for folks who can't be alone
Ive had 4 r'ships in my life,with sometimes 7 and 10 yr breaks.

For me money you can replace,but the feeling of being betrayal, that leaves a bad taste.
anyway dude,says more bout her than you.

I do trust my dog though LOL

once again,your story sux man.

[clementinefemme]

I respectfully disagree. They do not only want nice butches, Tomcats in the sheets, and undivided attention. They want to be wined and dined, and the butches to foot the bill. I'm with Stone on this one.

P.S. I am sorry that happened to you Stone.

Hmm, I don't know who you're dating, but I would say to head in another direction. That's not the way any of my friends or I think. I'm sorry about your experiences, but that's not indicative of a whole segment of the population.

[clementinefemme]

I have a lotttt of relationship anxieties, particularly related to a previous abusive relationship. Looking back, I feel dumb for being so easily manipulated and controlled, but I still struggle to trust myself enough to trust others. What if my judgment is wrong again?

I wonder if that line of thought has to do with blaming myself for the abuse that took place, but I do still feel so stupid for not ending things earlier, especially when every single one of my family and friends expressed concern.

It's interesting that trusting oneself can be a huge issue, not only trusting others.

[kittygrrl]

waking from a bad dream..but i feel i should say at least a few things..first i can't argue with a person's experience..we've all made mistakes and should fine tune our expectations and disappointments...hopefully moving forward and trying to do better..i'm an old school femme in a Gen X world i don't expect butches to play by my rules nevertheless, i'm deeply appreciative of being able to choose what is perfect for me..may we all find our way into paradise:candle:

[Orema]

I am wound so tightly it seems I’m scared of almost everything when it comes to a relationship.

And that’s okay.

For now.

[Bèsame*]

Narcissistic behaviors. I can see the red flags now.

Do what you say. Don't even leave a question hanging. Go ahead contradict yourself...I can see it.

[Build A Bridge]

Hmm, I don't know who you're dating, but I would say to head in another direction. That's not the way any of my friends or I think. I'm sorry about your experiences, but that's not indicative of a whole segment of the population.

Perhaps you are right, and I am dating the entirely wrong demographic. Maybe I made the mistake of dating too old school.. you know where women stayed home and took care of her man? I think I just might start dating more my age range. Thanks clementine!!!

[kittygrrl]

Perhaps you are right, and I am dating the entirely wrong demographic. Maybe I made the mistake of dating too old school.. you know where women stayed home and took care of her man? I think I just might start dating more my age range. Thanks clementine!!!

you date old school?!?:| then i agree with clementine, stay in your lane:eatinghersheybar: ok....(more then)a little amused..i actually think it's lit when you figure out what turn's you on...and off Peace

Bridge(in your honor)
il9nqWw9W3Y

[Stone-Butch]

OMG Build A Bridge. Buddy you got a lot wrong there I hate to say. I myself profess to be old school and proud of it. I had a wonderful 22 yr relationship back in the day and we lived 100%-100%. My lady sure did not stay home and cook for any man or any butch LOL. We both looked after things needing to be done. (I am a pretty good cook eh). I do dishes. I do laundry (hate it). I walked the dogs. I grocery shop. All this and took time after my work day to bring home flowers to my woman. My other butch friends were about the same. Any butch who downed their ladies were given a good snarl. My old school woman was hard working, smart, funny, a damn good cook and she even let me vaccum once in a while.

[Build A Bridge]

OMG Build A Bridge. Buddy you got a lot wrong there I hate to say. I myself profess to be old school and proud of it. I had a wonderful 22 yr relationship back in the day and we lived 100%-100%. My lady sure did not stay home and cook for any man or any butch LOL. We both looked after things needing to be done. (I am a pretty good cook eh). I do dishes. I do laundry (hate it). I walked the dogs. I grocery shop. All this and took time after my work day to bring home flowers to my woman. My other butch friends were about the same. Any butch who downed their ladies were given a good snarl. My old school woman was hard working, smart, funny, a damn good cook and she even let me vaccum once in a while.

Stone? really? how do you assume I have a lot going on?? buddy you're the one who had a dame leave you a $10,000 credit card bill. Now you defend her? hmm bro.. really? Such a great gal right.

[~ocean]

I have a lotttt of relationship anxieties, particularly related to a previous abusive relationship. Looking back, I feel dumb for being so easily manipulated and controlled, but I still struggle to trust myself enough to trust others. What if my judgment is wrong again?

I wonder if that line of thought has to do with blaming myself for the abuse that took place, but I do still feel so stupid for not ending things earlier, especially when every single one of my family and friends expressed concern.

It's interesting that trusting oneself can be a huge issue, not only trusting others.



we all have had experiences that didn't work out ~ don't blame yourself ~ look at the things about your partner at that time that you were attracted too ~ see their eyes in your mind and send them love ~ make sure you are looking through your soul ~ the the hurt part but the part that knows how to love and will share that love you have again. ~ don't be hard on yourself know you know what you want ~ that's what experiencing life offers, experience.:bunchflowers: stay safe ~

[clementinefemme]

Perhaps you are right, and I am dating the entirely wrong demographic. Maybe I made the mistake of dating too old school.. you know where women stayed home and took care of her man? I think I just might start dating more my age range. Thanks clementine!!!

Oh wow, I really didn't mean to start drama with my comment lol. I actually prefer to date more old school myself, but with my being so young, it's not really possible. But old school to me maybe means something different, since I am from a different generation... I do feel that taking advantage of someone is taking advantage of them, period, regardless of roles/mores.

This whole topic of who foots the bill is interesting, though, because I was fully supporting my ex for the entire duration of our relationship. I didn't think much of it because I've always been self-sufficient, so it wasn't a huge burden to take on a dependent (although on a teacher's salary it wasn't exactly the ideal situation!). Anywho it made me think of how in the olden days femmes would typically be the breadwinners due to butches not often being able to work office jobs that necessitated gender conformity. (But in my case, the butch was just lazy lmao.)

Anyway, all in all, finances can be difficult to navigate relationship-wise and I figure open and honest communication at the get-go would resolve at least some issues - if the person isn't intentionally trying to take advantage, that is.

[clementinefemme]

This one is a bit intimate, but has anyone ever had a partner use sex as a manipulation tactic? I am easily... persuaded and previous partners have absolutely used that to get whatever they wanted out of me. So now I'm hyperaware of it in relationships.

[nycfem]

We've had a few reports from this thread. So a few things to please keep in mind:

(1) Try not to make generalizations about femmes vs. butches or transmen. Speak in the "I" and not about a vast group of people. There are good and bad femmes, butches, and transmen, and many in the middle. It irks people to hear generalizations about any group.

(2) If someone is taking issue with someone else, don't pile on. It just increases the drama.

(3) It's fine to discuss things but this is a vulnerable topic, and we really shouldn't be throwing people's words back at them. It's okay to discuss but please be sensitive that this is a place where people are sharing some painful experiences.

Thanks.

Jennifer, Moderator

[homoe]

Oh wow, I really didn't mean to start drama with my comment lol. I actually prefer to date more old school myself, but with my being so young, it's not really possible. But old school to me maybe means something different, since I am from a different generation... I do feel that taking advantage of someone is taking advantage of them, period, regardless of roles/mores.

This whole topic of who foots the bill is interesting, though, because I was fully supporting my ex for the entire duration of our relationship. I didn't think much of it because I've always been self-sufficient, so it wasn't a huge burden to take on a dependent (although on a teacher's salary it wasn't exactly the ideal situation!). Anywho it made me think of how in the olden days femmes would typically be the breadwinners due to butches not often being able to work office jobs that necessitated gender conformity. (But in my case, the butch was just lazy lmao.)

Anyway, all in all, finances can be difficult to navigate relationship-wise and I figure open and honest communication at the get-go would resolve at least some issues - if the person isn't intentionally trying to take advantage, that is.

First, I really enjoyed your posts.

Being an older butch, may I add this to the topic and role of breadwinners.

Back in the day, more often than not, I and a lot of us had factory jobs and those paid very well. Jobs at places in Milwaukee like Briggs & Stratton, Allis-Chalmers Kearney & Trecker, Allen Bradly, Master Lock, Harley-Davidson and of course breweries Pabst, Miller, Schlitz, all offered top pay.

It's a shame American lost most of its manufacturing jobs...

[Stone-Butch]

Build A Bridge, buddy they were two different women. One about 20 yrs ago and one about 2 yrs ago. Not even close to the same women. I was young and grew with the first woman (well not my first, my longest lol) and the last was the last for sure.

[Stone-Butch]

To anyone that was upset with my part of this topic of "old school" I was speaking of me, my women and my friends. I think that was clear. It was not inclusive of all old school thoughts or other peoples women or anything else and frankly, I am tired of apologizing for making an entry. I will not personalize again unless it is for what I had for dinner.

[~ocean]

This one is a bit intimate, but has anyone ever had a partner use sex as a manipulation tactic? I am easily... persuaded and previous partners have absolutely used that to get whatever they wanted out of me. So now I'm hyperaware of it in relationships.

lol is the sex good sex ? lol have fun then lol as long as you know !!! your smart ~ ty I needed a good laugh @ myself actually. I know exactly what you mean :)

[clementinefemme]

lol is the sex good sex ? lol have fun then lol as long as you know !!! your smart ~ ty I needed a good laugh @ myself actually. I know exactly what you mean :)

I'm glad I gave you a good laugh! :) I also love your encouragement. Thank you for that. <3

But I don't necessarily mean in a good way... like someone deliberately using sex as a tool to manipulate you, you know what I mean?

[Vincent]

I wrote a letter to an ex from 25 yrs ago

the love of my life
I was dreaming of her all the time
The last time I saw her,her husband threw a major silent tantrum at the gym,it was awful,that was maybe 7 yrs ago.

I had had contact with her prior,to tell her I transitioned,I felt she should know,it was fine we talked for an hour.I cried for an hr after LOL

Anyway talking with my therapist,he thought,writing may be good,as long as it was positive.
And as I have been really sick,it was kinda like tying up loose ends.
I never included any intimate stuff,or reffered to it,nor left my contact details,mainly to make sure I was not manipulating her.

I wrote,how much her loving me changed me,how she taught me to read and now I love books and bookcases of them.
How she was so gentle and kind to me and switched on a light I never knew existed,and said good things about me,I had never heard.
And that I'm so happy and proud that she had reached the heights she had in her career,and that I know,it would not have happened with me,as I'm working class and at that time,I never really understood carrers,but I don't regret for one min having her in my life and she was the love of my life BUt I know I was not hers.

I did end 4 lines dedicated to the gym,and how he is threatened by me and how fucking fragile white heterosexual toxic men are.

I told her I don't need a response and also,that I knew she is not allowed contact with me,but left a link to my music.

I was in a band when I met her
She lived in the apartment above me and I had put a song on a cassette ,with a post it"play me".I left it at her door.LOL
I felt like a teenager,really corny syrupy.lol

the soundcloud my songs are on has had so many plays and it tells you where you are popular,she is in Sydney.So I'm popular in Sydney


I just needed to tell someone
And I will have no contact or ever see her,I know that.


I can write this here coz its kinda annonymous
And I feel fine and glad I wrote it,so our last contact was positive and he cannot destroy what we had,and therapy is healing my scars,from life,there are no scars from Jenny.
,but I do need a thearapy session.

Life is good

[Greco]

No fear here, it's all been said and done.

I will take nothing with me but the love received and the love I've given. Makes these next decades of my life grounded in the only thing in life that is important , love...really, not cliche...the LOVE, and yes for this I am grateful.

Greco

[Gemme]

I have a lotttt of relationship anxieties, particularly related to a previous abusive relationship. Looking back, I feel dumb for being so easily manipulated and controlled, but I still struggle to trust myself enough to trust others. What if my judgment is wrong again?

I wonder if that line of thought has to do with blaming myself for the abuse that took place, but I do still feel so stupid for not ending things earlier, especially when every single one of my family and friends expressed concern.

It's interesting that trusting oneself can be a huge issue, not only trusting others.

This. This. This. THIS.

Except no one that had suspicions came to me. I would have listened if they had.

OMG Build A Bridge. Buddy you got a lot wrong there I hate to say. I myself profess to be old school and proud of it. I had a wonderful 22 yr relationship back in the day and we lived 100%-100%. My lady sure did not stay home and cook for any man or any butch LOL. We both looked after things needing to be done. (I am a pretty good cook eh). I do dishes. I do laundry (hate it). I walked the dogs. I grocery shop. All this and took time after my work day to bring home flowers to my woman. My other butch friends were about the same. Any butch who downed their ladies were given a good snarl. My old school woman was hard working, smart, funny, a damn good cook and she even let me vacuum once in a while.

I love hearing about relationships like this, Stone. I'm so glad that you had the opportunity to experience it and for such a big part of your life.

Oh wow, I really didn't mean to start drama with my comment lol. I actually prefer to date more old school myself, but with my being so young, it's not really possible. But old school to me maybe means something different, since I am from a different generation... I do feel that taking advantage of someone is taking advantage of them, period, regardless of roles/mores.

This whole topic of who foots the bill is interesting, though, because I was fully supporting my ex for the entire duration of our relationship. I didn't think much of it because I've always been self-sufficient, so it wasn't a huge burden to take on a dependent (although on a teacher's salary it wasn't exactly the ideal situation!). Anywho it made me think of how in the olden days femmes would typically be the breadwinners due to butches not often being able to work office jobs that necessitated gender conformity. (But in my case, the butch was just lazy lmao.)

Anyway, all in all, finances can be difficult to navigate relationship-wise and I figure open and honest communication at the get-go would resolve at least some issues - if the person isn't intentionally trying to take advantage, that is.

Sage advice.

This one is a bit intimate, but has anyone ever had a partner use sex as a manipulation tactic? I am easily... persuaded and previous partners have absolutely used that to get whatever they wanted out of me. So now I'm hyperaware of it in relationships.

In my younger days, I have been guilty of directing the energy to more primal avenues once in while in order to end an argument or to stave off one but I know what you mean and I've never done that. I have seen it done, though. The times that I know it's happened, it's usually the dominant person in the relationship doing it and it's...in my mind...just as bad as gaining 'consent' when someone is inebriated. It's hard to think critically when your hormones are raging like white rapids, you know? Definitely unfair tactics.

[Stone-Butch]

I have had good and bad relationships in my life and my biggest is getting involved with someone who does not take the relationship seriously. I have been involved with a few hit and miss and it really sucks. I prefer to be single than to be involved with a hit and run woman. When I get involved I take it very seriously and endeavor to make my partner happy and content and to work together to make it work for a long time, not a good time.

[JDeere]

Constant abandonment fears!

[Kätzchen]

I think I'm probably done for this lifetime. I haven't been choosing well. Each relationship, (I almost wrote 'failed relationship'), has taught me a great deal about myself, but they've done nothing to alleviate my fears about the painful reality of becoming entangled with another person. They might have serious mental illness, or die on me, or turn out to be a consummate liar, or a thousand other possible negative outcomes which I haven't yet experienced, unlike the above mentioned negative possibilities which I have experienced.

I suppose that means I'm no longer afraid of what might happen in a relationship because I'm no longer interested in involving myself in another one. Do I fear the likelihood that I will not ever be in another romantic relationship? Perhaps. And I feel slightly relieved about it, too.

I definitely share the same sentiments as you Cheryl. You’ve been missed here so I hope you’re safe and well. :rrose:

I think I've already been through the big relationship fear and came out alive. Not unscathed, of course, but I'm able to live another day. Maybe even love another day, but that's not my priority or goal. I'm good with me.

I absolutely understand waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. It's the shadow on the edge that dims every moment of happiness, like you have to work extra hard to hold that memory tight before it's gone.

I have a tendency to give everything and that's not healthy for me. When I'm with someone, it's about us and the things I do work toward that but it's not always reciprocated or appreciated so I've swung back and forth on the pendulum either holding back too much for this person or giving too much and expecting too much from another.

Love is not about rainbows and fairy wings; it's science. It's pheromones and algorithmic formulas and I've never been great at science.

:blink:

I like your last few lines about how “…love is not about rainbows and fairy wings, it’s about science”. So true. Loved reading your posts in this thread today. (f)(f)

I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.

Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family.

Femmes can be violent too.

Thanks for expressing your experience with femmes who can be violent too. I think that this is very true. I’ve seen women (femme or otherwise) with massive mean streaks and inclinations to be mean, ruthless, and violent, and as bullies. These types of people seem to be of the sort like a heat seeking missle… looking for the next person to brutalize with their sordid controlling ways. I’m sorry this happened to you, Chad. It’s happened to me too. Take heart that you were lucky enough to see them for who they are and that there is no room in your life for people who intentionally or otherwise mistreat you. :rrose:

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

:weightlifter:

I’ve been hoodwinked too. It hurts to be victimized by a predator type person. I get it, due to being victimized before. :rrose:

lovers come and go ~ a good friend and family r always there :) enjoy the relationships whether they last or not your inner prevails !

Thanks ocean for your timely views. Very sweet and understanding of you!! Where are you? How’s your family and you? I’m thinking of you today, my sister friend. :rrose:

[Stone-Butch]

Been a few years since I have had a serious relationship and a while before I had that onle. Met in a chat room, seemed like a nice lady around my age. Her son had recently died and she was having a hard time living where he had passed and said she needed a break. SO, I had an empty bedroom and told her to come if she wanted to to get a breather. Well, she breathed for almost two years, went with me to bury my sister, things going well. Gone, yes gone with more than she came with. My things, some new, some treasures. Her name was not her name, neither was her address. Live and learn eh.
Living alone since then with a couple of dates, nothing spacific. Needing to learn to trust again. I am not looking for sweetness , I am looking for honesty and it seems hard to get these days. If I am to be alone then I will learn to live with the good past and not the evil this woman brought to my home. Yes I would like a partner that I can share with. I am old school and Stone and not all femmes care for this. So, I will wait here and if she comes into my life the better for both of us. I will treat her well and attempt to contribute to her happiness as this is within each person. I say BLAH to the pretenders.