An Age Old Question... Can Butches, FTM And Femme's Just Be Best Friends?

[bigbutchmistie]

I thought I would start a thread about this question. And see what other's views are on this very subject. I did look and didnt see another thread about this. So here it goes :)

Can Butches, FTM's, and Femmes just be friends? Nothing sexual or romantic just best friends?

It seems that Ive seen alot of individuals who have problems with their partners being friends with the opposite gender. And it makes me shake my head in disappointment

For me, I identify as butch and have both butch and femme friends. My two besties are femmes. And both of them have partners. I of course am single, and as I date around I find that alot of femmes are very insecure at the fact that my besties are femmes. I believe that one can be best friends with the opposite gender without romantic or sexual intentions.

For me, it didnt matter that both of my besties are femmes. I didnt extend a friendship to an identity I extended it to a person. We became close because of the very definition of a true friend. Someone that is there for you no matter what and has your back without question. We all stand by each other's side through thick and thin. We laugh, cry and share life together.

I would be interested to see everyone's opinion I would like this to be a friendly discussion. )

[grenade]

of course.

[Gráinne]

I don't have "best" friends nor do I feel "opposite" of anyone's gender, but sure, I have butch friends :). Just because I'm femme and someone else is butch doesn't automatically mean that there will be any chemistry or interest in dating. Most of the time, I've never considered it, in fact.

At any rate, jealousy and insecurity doesn't bode well for a relationship.

[Nadeest]

One of my best friends is a butch that I met while we were taking a couple of the same classes. She helped me figure out things about myself, in fact, including the fact that I am primarily attracted to women; yet, we have never even thought about a romance between us.

[Angeltoes]

I'm going to go against the grain. It depends on how I interpret the relationship in real life. Online femme friends would probably bug me if it seemed too intense, because you don't really know what's going on. In real life, it would be fine if the femme seemed like someone I could be friends with as well and the interaction between my butch and the femme didn't appear to cross into flirting, because I have to admit.... I'm not really tolerant of that sort of thing. Mine is probably not the most enlightened point of view, but that's how I feel.

[princessbelle]

I don't understand what you mean about opposite gender. I will guess maybe you mean friends that do not ID as you do perhaps?

Anyway, personally, i have a few very close butch friends. We talk on the phone, on messenger, text, ect.

Bully is fine with it. Why wouldn't she be. She respects me and i respect her.

Bully has femme friends as well. I think it's great!!!!

Life is too complicated to complicate what should just be simple. IMO why in the world should it matter how anyone IDs if you want them as a friend.

A friend is a friend.

That's how i see it anyway.

[Ginger]

Can Butches, FTM's, and Femmes just be friends? Nothing sexual or romantic just best friends?

For me, I identify as butch and have both butch and femme friends. My two besties are femmes. )


Hi, BigButchMistie.

I excerpted from your original post.

I think you answered your own question.

Me personally, I wouldn't date someone who had a problem with my straight male, butch, femme or whatever friends. Too much drama right off the bat, no thanks.

Scout

[laruss]

Good question bigbutchmistie, I was just having this conversation with a Butch friend at home. Her best friend is an ex of hers and she has had problems with potential gf's being very insecure about this. She won't date someone who has a problem with her best friend.

I totally agree, I am friends with many Butches and even exes. It is the other person's insecurities that are the issue. Unless of course you are a cheating bastard in which case they have every reason to be concerned and they would be stupid to stick around. lol

My integrity should be enough, you either trust me or you don't. I am in a place in my life where I only want to surround myself with people who I can believe in and who believe in me. I don't have time for games and bullshit anymore.

So, short answer... absolutely they can be friends.

[Ebon]

I think it depends on the people but yes it is possible. I live it everyday.

[LadyRieinAL]

I'm blessed to have good friends from all walks of life - I have lifetime butch & femme friends - they've been with me through the handful of relationships I've been in - they love me, they have my back, they've been there through the joys and the sadness - anyone who comes into my life as my partner, must understand the level of love my friends have for me and I for them- and they will also come to the understanding that what my friends want most in life for me is for me to be happy -
so what was the question?
Can femmes be friends with butches? This femme can -

[Electrocell]

I have femme friends that I have no desire to be with other than a friend. I have however had gfs that thought differently. Didn't want me around anyone remotely feminine whether they were female or male.Had one that got jealous when I flirted with the drag queens or they with me. Figure that was safe Neither of us had what the other desired lol.

[DapperButch]

I don't find it to be a problem at all. I have also never been one to date a friend. Once I see you as a friend/once a person becomes a platonic friend, I can never see them any other way.

[WolfyOne]

Heck, not only do I have femme friends and butch friends, some of my exes are still my friends. I think when someone is in a relationship and very secure with it and themselves, why would they worry about any of the friendships you have with their partners. I think the biggest issue, is trust. Those that don't trust or have some of their own issues, are the ones with problems. For me, if a potential partner doesn't understand the difference between me and them or me and all my femme friends (and I have many) then maybe I'm not the right partner for them.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh completely. I have had some incredibly close and most trusted best mates that are butches over the years.
That said, I also occasionally screw my friends. But it doesn't matter if they are butch or femme or a burning shrub if it's just a friend-frolic.
As one of my older female friends said as I was growing up "if ya can't fuck yer friends... who *can* you fuck??"
I tend to agree. But I grew up in a clique of people who all did this so it's pretty normal to me, the odd frolic with a mate. *shrug*

I also have had friends, real honest friends that we both know a relationship would never, ever work but when both single, the chemistry is good so we shag around a bit. But that's a *very* particular dynamic and rare.

And I have friends, butch, femme, just me, straight, heteroflexible etc... that I'd never screw. It would be too weird.

but I love them to bits too.

[Glenn]

I was never involved in the community much, so I've had only three femme friends in my life. #1 was partnered with my best butch bud, and told me that she did'nt trust herself being alone with me. #2 was partnered with another butch bud, and flat out tried to get it on with me. #3 Did try to get with me, but is cool as long as I am, and after six years, we are still just friends.:)

[aishah]

Heck, not only do I have femme friends and butch friends, some of my exes are still my friends. I think when someone is in a relationship and very secure with it and themselves, why would they worry about any of the friendships you have with their partners. I think the biggest issue, is trust. Those that don't trust or have some of their own issues, are the ones with problems. For me, if a potential partner doesn't understand the difference between me and them or me and all my femme friends (and I have many) then maybe I'm not the right partner for them.

this all the way.

my partner and i have friends of many different genders/expressions/orientations. i trust my partner not to cheat, he trusts me not to cheat.

[JustJo]

Absolutely....with the caveat that both the partner and the friends need to respect the relationship.

I'm comfortable with a partner of mine having femme friends, butch friends, trans friends, straight friends, friends who are exes, whatever. If there's flirting and what, to me, seems to be boundary-crossing...then that's another issue.

I'm a one-person, person....and my partner needs to be as well or our relationship simply won't work.

[Dude]

Partnered femmes have always been my biggest support system.
None have tried to get with me.

They have solid relationships and know I have good boundaries
or they likely would not have be-friended me to begin with.

I'll say it again
None have tried to get with me.

Thank you Partnered femmes for your friendships :coffee:
Thank you to their partners for not seeing me as a bad friend choice.

Yes , it is possible.

[Martina]

I don't consider butches the opposite gender.

I am poly by nature if not always in practice. I assume that people have a sexual interest in one another and that that is fine. But I also assume that people will respect themselves and one another when making these connections happen, if they do.

But to directly answer the question, yes, I can be friends with butches -- or femmes. I can even be friends with people I find sexually attractive. If they are unavailable, or I am, or if it would be a bad idea for other reasons, then that interest recedes. Occasionally something will happen to remind me that damn, she is fine. But it's not a constant or even frequent distraction. (Maybe I am old.)

[LaneyDoll]

I have never had a problem with friends of any gender and/or identify. It is pretty obvious to people that I am in a relationship and happily so. If they want to challenge that then I am happy to show them the door.

I once had a very good butch friend. She called me her "translator" since she always did not understand the meaning behind her girlfriends' words. She only dates femmes and I am fluent in femme speak.

She and I were really good friends and it never crossed beyond friendship.

Personally, I think that if you are clear about your position in the beginning, you could save yourself trouble. Anyone who knows me knows to not tangle with my relationships. The closer someone is to me, the more protective I am of them.

:sparklyheart:

[thedivahrrrself]

I have never had a problem with friends of any gender and/or identify. It is pretty obvious to people that I am in a relationship and happily so. If they want to challenge that then I am happy to show them the door.

I once had a very good butch friend. She called me her "translator" since she always did not understand the meaning behind her girlfriends' words. She only dates femmes and I am fluent in femme speak.

She and I were really good friends and it never crossed beyond friendship.

Personally, I think that if you are clear about your position in the beginning, you could save yourself trouble. Anyone who knows me knows to not tangle with my relationships. The closer someone is to me, the more protective I am of them.

:sparklyheart:


I agree with Laney here. I have friends who are girls, guys, femmes, butches, Trans, andro, etc... I'm too old to be ruling anyone out for gender or identity; good friends are not that easy to find! (And I know what you mean about "translating," Laney LOL)

I've never been much of a "friends first" kind of girl. My friends are not a potential dating pool...unless I'm setting them up with each other!

[ruffryder]

Absolutely....with the caveat that both the partner and the friends need to respect the relationship.

I'm comfortable with a partner of mine having femme friends, butch friends, trans friends, straight friends, friends who are exes, whatever. If there's flirting and what, to me, seems to be boundary-crossing...then that's another issue.

I'm a one-person, person....and my partner needs to be as well or our relationship simply won't work.


This is my thinking on the subject. Nothing wrong with it. Anyone can be friends. My girl and I have friends from all genders on the spectrum. It all comes down to others acknowledging and respecting that we are in a relationship together and us trusting each other.

[macele]

hey mistie.

i associate butch with lesbian. that's just me. nothing right or wrong in that. same thing with femme. and i think of both as women. i do understand others use the words. it's all good. i'm saying this because i don't think of femme as being opposite gender. not saying you do. i don't understand that part of your original post.

i either have self-control or i don't. i can be trusted or i can't. even in a relationship, i may be attracted to others, but i don't think i should act on those attractions. man, woman, child, ... i consider myself lucky to have a friend of any size, shape, or matter.

mac

[Blade]

A few of my besties are femme. It has sometimes been an issue in relationships. Here's the thing, I'm as faithful as an ole dog, anyone who knows me will tell you that. I wouldn't cheat on anyone EVER.

That said, the person I partner with will have to understand, that my friends are exactly that, friends. They have been with me for the long haul and me with them. I won't give up my friends for a potential partner. If they are that jealous, insecure or needy, then we are probably not right for each other.

[StrongButch]

I have all kinds of friends. I dont base a friendship on how a person chooses to identify,sexual preference,race,religion,where they live,where they work or dont work. As they say we are family. I dont sleep with my friends. If I was interested in a femme believe me she would know it. (lol) I love my femme friends. You go girls!

[4everlonelyfemme]

I can't be friends with butches, because they always think I'm hitting on them. And actually right now a friend of this other butch (who's dating some bimbo btw) is threatening to beat me up the next time I'm at the lesbian bar because of it.

I haven't done anything wrong to them :(

I'm just too unattractive I guess to have conversations with butches. They've never been anything but rude towards me.

[Angeltoes]

4ever, I agreed with the part about it being hard to establish friendship with butches because they think I'm hitting on them too. I don't think I'm unattractive. I won't allow myself to feel that way and I don't think you should either. I'm not a fan of the word bimbo. Maybe because I can be a hair-flipping giggly femme and that has been misinterpreted by others all my life...it's sort of a sore spot.

The things that make it difficult for me to be friends with butches is that either they think I'm hitting on them or they literally want no part of me if I'm not 'available.'

[s0litude]

I have no issue with how someone labels. I have femme friends who I find attractive. Doesn't mean anything will or could happen. Just means I have some really attractive friends.

I think as long as the boundaries are set and everyone knows where everyone stands, it's all good. Communication is key to any relationship-- romantic, platonic, etc.

[Amante]

Of course we can be friends! One of my very best friends is butch to the core, and our friendship is NOT a threat to either of our relationships.