New sex partner=new toys? Your opinion

[meridiantoo]

I am having a debate with a butch friend of mine and we wanted to enlist the opinions of others to see what is the norm and what reasoning people have behind their opinion...

If you have a new sex partner, does that require new toys also? Is that just a preference or a requirement? Does it include all toys or just the most intimate ones? And why do you hold your opinion?

I will start with my view on this. I am not comfortable having sex with someone who is using any toys from previous lovers. This is not a territorial thing for me, it's a matter of respect and boundaries and practicing good hygiene. I can't deny a twinge of jealousy or some feeling with the idea that a toy we are using was also used with another woman, but mostly it's about my partner and her perspective on respect and boundaries, not so much about the ex lover.

Thanks for sharing!

[The_Lady_Snow]

I think it varies and it's a personal choice. Some people are going to want to buy new sex toys together, other folks are safe and use protection so therefore because that is their cock they aren't just gonna go buy a new one just because they want to have sex with different folks. Hence the protection. It's a personal choice and something that either couples, one night stands, dates, fucking partners are going to want to have that talk before getting down to business...

[juliebrave]

I have mixed feelings on the issue. While I *want* all new toys when with a new partner, I also get that some folks view their parts as parts and not "toys." Its hard, for sure.

[QueenofSmirks]

You can find lots of replies on this topic in this thread: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3747&page=74

[Little Fish]

I don't think there is one standard approach or sense of sexual "etiquette" around this specifically. As the Lady Snow points out, the decision is highly individual to the pairing(s) and warrants clear communication.

I think some things to consider are cost--a quality cock usually costs >$100-
(I'm thinking something along the Vixskin or RealDoe line...) I think most Butches have more than one (and you Femmes like this too I might add...) and in addition, may also pack with a pack-n-play cock as well. And the harness too--that's another potentially pricey piece of Lifestyle Equipment...added up, this is about $400-

But also, how any given Butch identifies (or doesn't) with their own cock should be considered too. Butch cock is highly personal. I can appreciate that a new lover may not want to use a cock I've used previously with another, in which case more conversation needs to take place.

In short, I don't think there is one right answer regarding new/not new Butch cock in the same way I think we would ALL agree that covering our mouths while sneezing is a good thing.

[TheMerryFairy]

It would depend on the situation and person I think, for me. I have some that are just for ME. There are some that I would use with multiple sex partners or parterns in general if they were mine because I know they were cleaned well and there are those that are meant to only be used with one person and if that ends that's that.

There are some that I am sure I would want to replace, or a few new ones to add with others.

I don't have all that many myself and I haven't used them all that often in comparison with some other people I know.

If somebody wants to use a toy with me that they used with somebody else, I wouldn't mind realy.

I have also been with people all across the spectrum and sometimes those "toys" are more than that to people, they aren't toys. Of course when it comes to gender variance and trans folk this subject can become a different topic all together. Not everybody has the same opinion.

The most important thing to remember is safety and precaution whether it's a one night stand or a standing relationship.

[jac]

I purchase all new with any new relationship. I personally don't do one night stands so it's not a matter of quantity. It's quality to me and with that I am referring to, she deserves new and solely meant for her. It's a respect thing for me.

This is only about how I feel on this topic, not as butch as a whole.

[~ocean]

~ hy has class ~ of course they were new ~

[Cailin]

I'm torn too. I have a WHOLE bag of items in my closet. Thing is, they were only ever used on me, but because my ex was the one who buckled down (so to speak) should I get rid of them? Its not like they had alot of wear and tear. They're practically brand spanking new.


However, I can see how some items may have memories associated with them, and could lead to jealousy/territorial issues. If I was just some girl, I dont think i'd mind if it was used on other people. But if i'm a "special" someone in their life, then I surely wouldn't want the same stuff that they used with their ex gf/ex wife of many years, inside me.

[Diablo]

i would have no problem using their toys on them...but the toys i have are not cheap and i would never throw them away..simply because i have used them on another woman. I am obsessive about cleaning them..and using them safely. If a woman were to ask me to toss my toys simply because i had used them on another woman...id ask her to consider the bed shes laying in, that i have slept with other women in that very same bed. So does that mean she wouldnt sleep in my bed? What about my tongue?? If anything is more intimate than my sex toys, it would be my tongue. I can guarantee you...im NEVER getting rid of that thing. Stop having an ego in sex and realize we've all had other partners. :blink:

[The_Lady_Snow]

~ hy has class ~ of course they were new ~



People who choose to NOT buy sex toys for EACH liaison aren't classless. It has zero to do with class, Femmes aren't expected to get new vaginas each time we fuck.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Hy always bought everything new, so I was never faced with thinking about this, but I can understand how 'born again' in the dishwasher might redeem a cock from any memory of past encounters of the flesh....I mean seriously Hy washed Hys hands and they were good as new..... :cheesy:

[dixie]

*snip*

If a woman were to ask me to toss my toys simply because i had used them on another woman...id ask her to consider the bed shes laying in, that i have slept with other women in that very same bed. So does that mean she wouldnt sleep in my bed? What about my tongue?? If anything is more intimate than my sex toys, it would be my tongue. I can guarantee you...im NEVER getting rid of that thing.

*snip*

Hy always bought everything new, so I was never faced with thinking about this, but I can understand how 'born again' in the dishwasher might redeem a cock from any memory of past encounters of the flesh....I mean seriously Hy washed Hys hands and they were good as new..... :cheesy:

Pretty much my exact thoughts.

[Cailin]

Not everyone is as awesome as you at cleaning tho darlin :( Gross, but i've found some .... icky... people out there. However for me, when something has been in commission for a while things tend to break down and can cause issues with my insides. So if one were with a girlfriend or wife for a long time (talking years upon years) and had a healthy sex life, that item may not necessarily be in as great a shape. I've found that my body tends to reject certain items. It's not that i'm like "you nasty ass. I dont want you f*cking me and thinking about her". It's more like "hmmmm.... i'd really like to enjoy whats about to happen, but I know in mid fun, I will end up in pain". But if condoms were used, then I'm good.


btw.- if you clone your tongue, I'll take 2. Thanks




i would have no problem using their toys on them...but the toys i have are not cheap and i would never throw them away..simply because i have used them on another woman. I am obsessive about cleaning them..and using them safely. If a woman were to ask me to toss my toys simply because i had used them on another woman...id ask her to consider the bed shes laying in, that i have slept with other women in that very same bed. So does that mean she wouldnt sleep in my bed? What about my tongue?? If anything is more intimate than my sex toys, it would be my tongue. I can guarantee you...im NEVER getting rid of that thing. Stop having an ego in sex and realize we've all had other partners. :blink:

[Diablo]

Not everyone is as awesome as you at cleaning tho darlin :( Gross, but i've found some .... icky... people out there. However for me, when something has been in commission for a while things tend to break down and can cause issues with my insides. So if one were with a girlfriend or wife for a long time (talking years upon years) and had a healthy sex life, that item may not necessarily be in as great a shape. I've found that my body tends to reject certain items. It's not that i'm like "you nasty ass. I dont want you f*cking me and thinking about her". It's more like "hmmmm.... i'd really like to enjoy whats about to happen, but I know in mid fun, I will end up in pain". But if condoms were used, then I'm good.


btw.- if you clone your tongue, I'll take 2. Thanks



its all about common sense......you have something unsafe or broken...dont use it. Ive never slept with an unclean person...gak at the thought....i dont think it would ever get to first base let alone home plate if they were dirty...gak gak gak.....

[KCBUTCH]

I think its a personal choice
I mean what about prosthetic's which are far from toys and custom made at least $1500 minimum that are part of the persons identity, it's not a black and white question.
I often get new cocks, not always because of it being new or used but because I don't want to be reminded of the EX, I also got new sheets. But that was a personal choice.
If I were still playing the field as I did in my younger years no way I used what was there
I have had the same leather harness for upwards of 22 or so years and have modified it as I grew LOL My leather goods are custom made are will not be exchanged. So who knows...
For me certain things I don't care to share despite using protection every time.
I really think it cannot be answered as either you do or you don't no more than the spectrum of gender variances that the question may relate to.

[meridiantoo]

But if i'm a "special" someone in their life, then I surely wouldn't want the same stuff that they used with their ex gf/ex wife of many years, inside me.

Exactly! :4femme:

[imadiva]

New toys please and thank you! I understand about the harness and anything that stays outside of the body but I feel that anything that enters the body or private areas of the body should totally be new. New toys ,new memories, new pleasures ! Out with the old ! Really for sanitary reasons bacteria and virus can live on surfaces and the materials are sometimes porous so no matter how clean it looks it could still harbor some yuck in and on it ! Sooooo be for me !

[meridiantoo]

I am obsessive about cleaning them. :blink: I am sure you are, dix, but I don't think everyone is....

And I would contemplate another bed as well...if it's serious :shocking:

[FeminineAllure]

One thing I have had a problem with is size.
Every women is different. Yes I know it expands...but can we keep it real?
Some cocks just are not going to fit comfortably. So yes, a bio man may have a naturally enormous cock but we get a choice. That is a plus to me.

[StrongButch]

I buy a new friend for my new friend.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Can someone clarify what makes someone "icky", "gross", "dirty"?


Do all people in here use dental dams with new sexual partners? What about gloves? Since we're discussing sex let's not just stop at cocks!

[StrongButch]

Yes I use gloves we have a saying no glove no love. They make a harness that you can snap dental dams into works out great. Since we are discussing this please be aware you can catch things nowdays by kissing. I think its best these days to get to know the person your having sex with and use protection.

[chai~]

New toys please and thank you! I understand about the harness and anything that stays outside of the body but I feel that anything that enters the body or private areas of the body should totally be new. New toys ,new memories, new pleasures ! Out with the old ! Really for sanitary reasons bacteria and virus can live on surfaces and the materials are sometimes porous so no matter how clean it looks it could still harbor some yuck in and on it ! Sooooo be for me !

I agree with this, because a new one can be bought and broken in and christened and blessed by us both at the same time!!!
I wouldn't go so far as a new bed, but fresh bedding would be a fresh beginning, even just a fresh beginning to being newly and deliciously single.
I think if we did it on the furniture, coffee table, dining room table, I might switch that out too! Great opportunity to redecorate~

[pinkgeek]

From a public health standpoint it is significantly more important to get tested for STD's than to buy a new cock every time you go for a ride with someone new. I care a lot more about someone knowing their status (and mine) than knowing their cock (or mine) is fresh from the shoppe.

Luckily with some education, common sense and a firm grasp on what's cleanable and what's not you can get warm and fuzzy without worrying about hitch hiking pathogens.

I'd go broke replacing toys at the rate of new for every screw and everyone who knows me knows I may lack a filter at times but never class.

Fuck safely and often.

[CherylNYC]

Thank you, Lady Snow. Unsafe sex is a hard limit for me, and I hate waste! Why would a person throw away a perfectly good toy, especially if they've been practicing safe sex? We're all playing safely, aren't we? (she asks in that pointed way.)

Even if you're not practicing safer sex, (sigh), any good silicone toy can and should be boiled between partners, and it will be as fresh as new.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Yes I use gloves we have a saying no glove no love. They make a harness that you can snap dental dams into works out great. Since we are discussing this please be aware you can catch things nowdays by kissing. I think its best these days to get to know the person your having sex with and use protection.



Sometimes though, you meet someone and you are sexually attracted and you end up having sex with them, there isn't going to be time to *get to know details* it's just about two people having consentual adult sex.



Should either party go and get new toys just because they started dating someone a week later seriously?

Why are Femme's not expected to get new vaginas?


The problem with the question when it comes to queer cock is:

For some butches.guys.bois.boys.ze's.trans, and femme folk is the cock they have is part of them. Something that is part of who they are and their identity and if someone is safe they should not have to throw away all their toys just because they dated someone new. If it's something that it is talked about and agreed upon and costs are even shared since they are now a couple I understand.

But to have the expectation that someone get a new cock or cocks just because they used them before and have done so safely is to much. Toys are expensive, cocks ain't cheap.


What about those who are kinky?

Does everyone here who is kinky replace each toy they have played with past liasons?


I would think that would get highly expensive..


Let's talk lube. Is your lube replaced with each parnter? Do you use different lube for anal and vaginal sex?

[alexri]

This is a personal call for people, and a discussion between someone and his/her partner. I can understand both opinions/sides.

Some might need to buy new toys because of size/comfort issues.

Some may need to buy new toys because of wear/tear/age.

Some feel better buying new toys in honor of the new relationship, or don't want to keep the old toys because of a bad breakup.

Some insist on replacing toys, especially ones for anal, for safety concerns.

Some won't buy new toys because his/hys cock is personal to him, or his/hys harness was custom-made to fit.

Some won't because of finances.

Some don't feel the need to because they don't see the toys as belonging to an ex they are no longer with, no more than they would get different underwear, sheets or bedding after breaking up with someone.

Some don't feel the need to because they've used condoms and protection and have kept their equipment clean and sterilized.

Some look and think no big deal- his/hys lips kissed someone else, hands, tongue... you get the picture.

To each their own. The final resolution rests among those in a relationship having a discussion about what they both want and can work with.

[meridiantoo]

Can someone clarify what makes someone "icky", "gross", "dirty"?


Do all people in here use dental dams with new sexual partners? What about gloves? Since we're discussing sex let's not just stop at cocks!

Can't answer question #1, but to question #2, I do see the hypocrisy in this, I do. I mean, on one hand, I want a new cock with each partner (and harness and vibrators, and...). But, I don't get a new vagina, much to my distress :tease: I dont' see this as the same, though (funny how being a femme works sometimes!). And it does cross my mind that my vagina and my butch's parts have been with other partners, not just those parts that can be taken off. But, if I could, I really, really would get a new vagina each time and breasts while we're at it, and maybe even...

Seriously, I know it's not necessarily fair or logical, but I can't help it!

And I do get a full STD panel with each partner as well as have a *grace*period before sex begins (looks for kitten.with.a.twist to help me out here)

[pinkgeek]

Since we are discussing this please be aware you can catch things nowdays by kissing. I think its best these days to get to know the person your having sex with and use protection.

Ok I have to ask...What specifically are you referring to? "Things" as an STD aren't anything I've studied or counseled anyone on risk reduction against.

As for getting to know someone being any kind of protection - ask any PHW (Public Health Worker) and we'll tell you that "knowing someone" isn't a kind of protection and using "protection" isn't a guarantee.

I spend a lot of time talking about safe sex, stigma, myths and risk reduction. Community discussions are wonderful and have a wonderful ability to reach not just the people participating, but those they in turn talk to. Keep it up.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Can't answer question #1, but to question #2, I do see the hypocrisy in this, I do. I mean, on one hand, I want a new cock with each partner (and harness and vibrators, and...). But, I don't get a new vagina, much to my distress :tease: I dont' see this as the same, though (funny how being a femme works sometimes!). And it does cross my mind that my vagina and my butch's parts have been with other partners, not just those parts that can be taken off. But, if I could, I really, really would get a new vagina each time and breasts while we're at it, and maybe even...

Seriously, I know it's not necessarily fair or logical, but I can't help it!

And I do get a full STD panel with each partner as well as have a *grace*period before sex begins (looks for kitten.with.a.twist to help me out here)

Since you have the expectation and the want for your sexual partners to have new equipment when involved with you.


Do you pay for half the cost?


Since this is a Femme thread I would be interested in unpacking the hypocrisy and double standard that butches.boys.bois.guys.femmeswhopack must have new yet Femme's come in with what they have (vagina) and there is no expectation they be virginal and new..


As I said cocks and sex toys aren't cheap.

[meridiantoo]

Since you have the expectation and the want for your sexual partners to have new equipment when involved with you.


Do you pay for half the cost?


Since this is a Femme thread I would be interested in unpacking the hypocrisy and double standard that butches.boys.bois.guys.femmeswhopack must have new yet Femme's come in with what they have (vagina) and there is no expectation they be virginal and new..


As I said cocks and sex toys aren't cheap.

I do pay for my half; I would never expect any differently.

As someone mentioned earlier, it's a personal size/girth preference also. I could not physically *take* many available sizes out there, so that's another thing to consider with a new partner.

I know it's not necessarily fair.....

[Gemme]

My guy has class. He's one of the classiest fuckers I know.

:|

He bought a new cock that we both went and sought out together (at a darling family-owned business and from a really sweet butch) and he has one familiar to him that I had nothing to do with purchasing.

While it's fun and naughty to know that something that intimate was bought just for you, with only you in mind, I don't give a damn who bought what or when or where when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it. All I care is that it's his and that he knows how to use it. I guarantee that he's not thinking of anyone else when we're together, just like I'm not thinking of anyone else but him.

[starryeyes]

Do what makes you feel comfortable and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it :)

[SuddenlyWestFemme]

Lots of good stuff here. And Lady Snow... getting a new vagina is just such an interesting thought. I think after my last ex... I might have gotten one if I'd had the choice. I repainted the house, changed out the rugs, bought new sheets, changed my hairstyle, and put all my jewelry in a box in the garage. I didn't have lots of money... but it was nice to have the option to change things up to help in the healing. A new vagina might have been empowering.

But getting a new vagina is not a choice we have and if it was, I'm sure there would be as many differing opinions on that as on this.

Personally, it never occurred to me to have a conversation around if their (suddenly feeling shy) um... cock... was new. Yes, the sex talk is very important, but I don't remember ever asking if they were buying new parts for me. It just never crosses my mind to ask about that.

And I agree with the post that said we have choices and that is a good thing. I remember, before I came out, refusing to have sex with a guy I was dating because he was scary large. In fact, it broke us up. I just couldn't do it at the time. If I'd had choices... well... that may have been a good thing.

Great conversation...

[starryeyes]

Paying for half? I buy my own AND the most kick ass one I have ever had only cost me $22.00.... The worst one was over $100. Go figure.

[Hollylane]

. All I care is that it's his and that he knows how to use it. I guarantee that he's not thinking of anyone else when we're together, just like I'm not thinking of anyone else but him.

Exactly!

Do what makes you feel comfortable and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it :)

Word.

[meridiantoo]

Lots of good stuff here. And Lady Snow... getting a new vagina is just such an interesting thought. I think after my last ex... I might have gotten one if I'd had the choice. I repainted the house, changed out the rugs, bought new sheets, changed my hairstyle, and put all my jewelry in a box in the garage. I didn't have lots of money... but it was nice to have the option to change things up to help in the healing. A new vagina might have been empowering.

But getting a new vagina is not a choice we have and if it was, I'm sure there would be as many differing opinions on that as on this.

Personally, it never occurred to me to have a conversation around if their (suddenly feeling shy) um... cock... was new. Yes, the sex talk is very important, but I don't remember ever asking if they were buying new parts for me. It just never crosses my mind to ask about that.

And I agree with the post that said we have choices and that is a good thing. I remember, before I came out, refusing to have sex with a guy I was dating because he was scary large. In fact, it broke us up. I just couldn't do it at the time. If I'd had choices... well... that may have been a good thing.

Great conversation...

Love this post! :flowers:

[Katniss]

I don't buy new toys so why should I expect my lover to do the same?
I also feel the "Safe, Sane, Consensual" encompasses having the health/hygiene discussion as only the two of you know how fluid bonded you intend to become.

Otherwise use what you got, often, creatively and well.

Katniss~~(toys aren't cheap but I can be f@cking expensive as well.)

[chai~]

Can't answer question #1, but to question #2, I do see the hypocrisy in this, I do. I mean, on one hand, I want a new cock with each partner (and harness and vibrators, and...). But, I don't get a new vagina, much to my distress :tease: I dont' see this as the same, though (funny how being a femme works sometimes!). And it does cross my mind that my vagina and my butch's parts have been with other partners, not just those parts that can be taken off. But, if I could, I really, really would get a new vagina each time and breasts while we're at it, and maybe even...

Seriously, I know it's not necessarily fair or logical, but I can't help it!

And I do get a full STD panel with each partner as well as have a *grace*period before sex begins (looks for kitten.with.a.twist to help me out here)


If I could replace my secret garden :rose:, my boobs, and make myself 5 foot 6, I would do that!
I don't have random sex, so never have to worry about the expense or replacing items each and every time with someone new.
To each their, makes for an interesting discussion to say the least.
To each their own.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Lots of good stuff here. And Lady Snow... getting a new vagina is just such an interesting thought. I think after my last ex... I might have gotten one if I'd had the choice. I repainted the house, changed out the rugs, bought new sheets, changed my hairstyle, and put all my jewelry in a box in the garage. I didn't have lots of money... but it was nice to have the option to change things up to help in the healing. A new vagina might have been empowering.

But getting a new vagina is not a choice we have and if it was, I'm sure there would be as many differing opinions on that as on this.

Personally, it never occurred to me to have a conversation around if their (suddenly feeling shy) um... cock... was new. Yes, the sex talk is very important, but I don't remember ever asking if they were buying new parts for me. It just never crosses my mind to ask about that.

And I agree with the post that said we have choices and that is a good thing. I remember, before I came out, refusing to have sex with a guy I was dating because he was scary large. In fact, it broke us up. I just couldn't do it at the time. If I'd had choices... well... that may have been a good thing.

Great conversation...



I love your honest post about cleaning house, and yes I agree that sometimes we get into relationships that make us want to change everything about us, including the vagina. What I have learned is as I have matured into my gender (Femme) that sometimes we make bad relationship choices that leave us mucked up and feeling dirtied up (and when I say this I don't mean in a hygenic way more of a spiritual/emotional/mental way). My vagina is just as empowered as I so when I have experienced this moment of muck like you stated changing not only the aesthetic but my inner me has helped make better choices and healthier ones.

[Martina]

I can't IMAGINE buying new. There are things you use for only one person because of body fluid contact and the inability to clean them. Some canes, for example. But otherwise, no.

New bed? Seriously??

If the memory of your ex is that present and potentially contaminating, I do not think new equipment is going to solve the problem. More of a therapy issue.

[Hollylane]

Gaige and I have talked about this a few times. I have to say, that as long as it is a comfortable fit for both of us (ie: length, girth, and appearance in or out of her clothes), and for me, skin sensitivities have been addressed, the only more important thing left to do or think about, is to enjoy our love making. Neither of us is thinking about anything other than loosing ourselves in each other.

Other purchases along the way, have just made for variety and fun, and we prefer to share the cost of these items.

We are both obsessively clean when it comes to our bodies and our stuff, and Gaige researches the care and proper cleaning necessary for each new item in our collection.

For me, these conversations, regarding preferences, occur long before any chance of sex happening. To me, sex is private and personal, an important part of my health and well being, and I want to know about relationship and sexual compatibility, before I become intimate with a partner.

I don't think anyone is wrong or right, it is just a matter of communicating with new partners. For some, it is difficult to communicate about these topics without embarrassment/shame, or for fear of coming off as sexually aggressive when being blunt, but I submit that it is important to find the strength to do so, to protect oneself and any potential partner, both physically and emotionally.

[meridiantoo]

I can't IMAGINE buying new. There are things you use for only one person because of body fluid contact and the inability to clean them. Some canes, for example. But otherwise, no.

New bed? Seriously??

If the memory of your ex is that present and potentially contaminating, I do not think new equipment is going to solve the problem. More of a therapy issue.

It's just about compartmentalizing and boundaries for me... :2cents:

[StrongButch]

I was clear I practice safe sex and buy new friend for my new friend. I also get tested and so does my partner. I grew up in the city of free love (SF) so im pretty aware. We are all different and have different ways of doing things. You do it your way I do it mine. No big deal to me. Play safe and have fun.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I was clear I practice safe sex and buy new friend for my new friend. I also get tested and so does my partner. I grew up in the city of free love (SF) so im pretty aware. We are all different and have different ways of doing things. You do it your way I do it mine. No big deal to me. Play safe and have fun.


I don't think anyone is debating the everyone have it your way thought. What I found very disconcerting (can't figure out why no one else has) was at the beginning of the thread the *icky*, *classless*, *dirty*, *gross* descriptors were used.

It's understandable that we are all diferent and we are all going to have different thoughts, but to come in and generalize and use those kinds of descriptors was not necessary.'


I personally am not the kind of person that sees love and sex as something that is interconnected. Sometimes people just fuck, and when they do they are going to use whatever equipment they have. As long as they are being safe there should be no need to go buy all new hardware for the next person they are intimate be it a heart, mind, carnal, sexual, spontaneous connection/s

[StrongButch]

Im not sure why they used those words. Maybe they will answer. I understand the love and sex thing you are talking about. Good luck getting an answer from those who used those terms. Have a great night and enjoy.

[AmazonWoman1]

I was sorry to hear you felt so bad after a breakdown you needed to do a Phoenix to be reborn SuddenlyWestFemme but it was a gift that helped to give us such a cogent reply as you grew into & gave.Loved it*S*
That said I wonder how many of the people that want you to buy all new stuff have tossed out all items purchased by their exes for them especially sentimental things like cards perfume clothes jewelry etc.I have a feeling the judgemental attitude would be lost immediately or at the very least renegotiated.I use a condom on all my dildos always.If its an issue of cleanliness most microbes do not last over 3 days on a surface devoid of liquid so if they did not have sex within a week say whats the REAL issue? I find it highly unreasonable to ask a butch/partner to be replacing ALL toys every time.
Lets be real we all want the relationship to last forever but it does not always happen.I would be ecstatic if life was that simple but it is not.If the issue is an emotional one about feeling threatened by past relationships thats a 2 way street also.Im never going to ask her to throw away all of the old letters poems etc from an ex that gave her great comfort.Those things have become part of who she is & therefore part of the all encompassing being that she has become that I am now choosing to love so I do not want to remove any of it.That ex made her a better gf for me so thank you.Lets look inside ourselves to ask truly what is the fear about .Is it truly about some inanimate objects or something else?If its something else then lets talk about that instead & save my wallet great pain as well as me looking at you as if you are unreasonable.*S*If you insist on new toys for you alone then you need to pay at least 1/2 for your issues since I do not share them but I am willing to negotiate because I AM reasonable *S*

[Diablo]

im all for whatever floats your boat..and in whatever level of intimacy one is seeking....via one nighters...or long terms..you need to be comfortable (whatever comfortable is to you) in the safety level you seek. I would NEVER toss my toys or cock for anyone. There for i doubt i would ever be in the situation to be asked to do so. If i was asked..i would politely decline. Its not about them paying for half of the toys..or even really the cost..though..they are not cheap. For me its the principal of it. Sex to me is about YOU and I...not the last person i fucked or the last person you fucked.

I do use different lube for anal sex vs vaginal...i have used gloves...i use condoms...and ive used dental dams....I know what my level of comfort is for sex...and im always willing to meet the "safety" concerns for my sexual partners within reason...and my line is my toys...if you want me to use new toys with you..then bring your own....and problem solved!

Its about about compatibility....there are no right or wrongs..just different..just find that person who shares the same views as you.

[nina03]

I haven't really seen anyone address this subject from a poly point of view, yet. Most responses that I've seen have addressed what folks do when moving from one monogamous relationship to another one. I am poly, and while that usually means I am in a "relationship" with people that I am sexually involved with, it doesn't always. So sometimes I have sex with someone that is not one of my regular sex partners. I am femme, but I am a femme who packs sometimes. I am not going to go buy a new cock every time I want to fuck someone. I don't have that kind of money. I do, however, have a very nice silicone cock, that can be boiled to sterilize it, along with a machine washable harness. I use condoms on my cock, and gloves and dental dams for other kinds of sex, no exceptions. When I am letting someone fuck me, I have a conversation about whether or not they sterilize their cock, and I use condoms for additional protection. For bdsm related toys, when I'm playing with other people, I tend to like toys that are easy to clean. I use a lot of rubber, which hurts like hell to hit with, and can be cleaned very thoroughly. Now all of this is different from what I do with my primary partner. Max and I have a range of toys that are just for us. Not all of the cocks are silicone, a lot of the bdsm stuff is leather. We have a policy that we practice safer sex with other people, but not with each other. We also get tested once a year (or more often if we feel like we need to.) This system has worked well for us so far, and neither of us has any STIs.

[Angeltoes]

Maybe the one who feels uncomfortable about the toys should just buy new ones. Problem solved? Also, I've never seen a dental dam in my life...and I didn't know people actually used them.

[DMW]

With all due respect...it's My Cock; not hers. Not to mention, she would be sorry if one of My Cocks, in particular, (from San fran which isn't available anymore) ; was not to be experienced anymore.

With that said...I believe that all women deserve the respect to choose a new and/or a favorite cock as an option ( if necessary New purchaces) in order to be satisfied and satiated since she is, after all, the one receiving penetration.

There's always room for growth and exploration...hopefully.

Cheers,

DMW

[TheMerryFairy]

If I was to become sexually involved with somebody who had difficulty or a preference then I would simply use their toys on them or I would find something that worked for us both.

Everybody has different needs and desires so while I personally wouldn't mind toys that were used to be used with me and I would certainly keep using the ones I had with others, I am flexible.

Sometimes purchasing new toys together or apart is fun and can add another level of intimacy as well.

[betruetoyoursoul]

I am having a debate with a butch friend of mine and we wanted to enlist the opinions of others to see what is the norm and what reasoning people have behind their opinion...

If you have a new sex partner, does that require new toys also? Is that just a preference or a requirement? Does it include all toys or just the most intimate ones? And why do you hold your opinion?

I will start with my view on this. I am not comfortable having sex with someone who is using any toys from previous lovers. This is not a territorial thing for me, it's a matter of respect and boundaries and practicing good hygiene. I can't deny a twinge of jealousy or some feeling with the idea that a toy we are using was also used with another woman, but mostly it's about my partner and her perspective on respect and boundaries, not so much about the ex lover.

Thanks for sharing!
Meri, Thank-you for starting this thread, I have to say, I am in complete agreement with you! I respect other's thoughts and actions.

[jac]

He bought a new cock that we both went and sought out together (at a darling family-owned business and from a really sweet butch) and he has one familiar to him that I had nothing to do with purchasing.



Yes yes, this is what I enjoy about buying new for her... with her. Taking the time to discuss and share the size, etc. It gives her a place in the experience. And yeh bio males don't do this... but I/we have this privilege with me not being a bio male.

[Chancie]

I have several 'toys' that I have only used on Pete.

I probably wouldn't enjoy using those pretty objects on anyone else, but

That would be my decision.

[Daktari]

Crikey there's some big expectations here.

I can't get with this "my chap has class (and by inference loves (her) more) he treated me to a new cock" business. It's nothing to do with 'class' or 'respect'.

What about some respect coming the other way? Most of us, the majority I would wager, are not 'unclean' and many fastidious about our sexual practice/cleanliness. I have an advantage over a bio bloke in that I can bleach my cock thanks ever so much. :glasses:

If you don't trust the dood/dyke/et al don't shag 'em. Simples!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Crikey there's some big expectations here.

I can't get with this "my chap has class (and by inference loves (her) more) he treated me to a new cock" business. It's nothing to do with 'class' or 'respect'.

What about some respect coming the other way? Most of us, the majority I would wager, are not 'unclean' and many fastidious about our sexual practice/cleanliness. I have an advantage over a bio bloke in that I can bleach my cock thanks ever so much. :glasses:

If you don't trust the dood/dyke/et al don't shag 'em. Simples!


The bolded line bears repeating!

[little_ms_sunshyne]

This is such an interesting topic...

I am having some trouble with wording and I hope this
comes out right...

I do not have any issues with using toys/pieces
that have been previously used in a prior relationship
so long as they have been sterilized. I can also see how the need for a new toy may arise for other purposes. I do believe it is fun shopping for
new pieces as a couple to experiment or just to fit personal
fantasies, pleasures, or preferences.

Quite frankly, For me, if there is ever a moment when
I question whether or not something should
come in contact with my vagina, then this is
probably not a person I want to be intimate with.

[kittygrrl]

Cock history..something new to comtemplate ..I've never thought to ask but thinking about it now all I can say is I trust my lover, his instincts, hygiene etc otherwise why would i be there? ..discussion is good, if it's needed (somethings should be) but cock history has a never occurred to me.

[macele]

it's not a right or wrong issue. as for me personally, i don't put a lot of emphasis on toys. and i'm not one that has a connection, feels that the toy is a part of me. i am not going to use a toy that someone else has used. i certainly don't mind buying new, if that's what is wanted. none, ... may be wanted.

certainly no judging on my part. to each their own.

[Rockinonahigh]

I have a full equiped toy bag,I don't consider anything in it part of me but do injoy the event when it happends.I bought high quality toys but I will accomadate the lady in question(whom ever she may be) with something she requires of her own or something new...it is a personal choice for her cauase I don't care either way.This being said I don't do one hight stands,so to buy something new I would need to be pretty shure of a relationship and not a fling.

[always2late]

I don't have a preference one way or the other. If my partner wants to buy new toys, fine...if not, also fine. As long as said toys have been properly cleaned, I don't have a problem with it. Quality toys can be rather expensive, and I don't have any issues or dwell on the fact that they may have been used before me (I'm not a blushing virgin and, so far, none of my partners have been either). I can't swap out my vagina, hands, or mouth...so I have no expectation that someone who may have a connection with their "toys" should change them for me.

[Toughy]

If the cock(s) in my bag do not work for her.........I am happy to use one she provides. I can 'own' any cock I strap on. I use condoms with my cocks and wash the little (smirk) devils with soap and water after each use. Dishwashers also work well.

I look at this from a kink kind of perspective. Most subs/bottoms I know, who play hard, have their own set of canes, whips, chains, etc.........anything that could get contaminated with blood/body fluids and cannot be sterilized belongs to her. If I bloody up one of my own implements on her..........she gets to take that one home with her for keeps.

[DapperButch]

I have been with partners who have wanted me to get a new cock. Not all partners, but some.

I resolved the issue by purchasing the exact same cock more than once. This way I still have that same cock that is a part of me, but she can be comfortable. Is this expensive? Yes, indeed.

This has been much less of an issue in recent years. I also don't think that I would be willing to do it again. I'm not even sure why, I just wouldn't.

[TheMerryFairy]

I have a question for you all . It is a little off topic but not far off. Have any of you ever been asked by a sexual partner to use gloves or oral dams? What did you do? Did you use them because the other person would feel more comfortable or did you try to find another way to be safe?

I have never been asked but a few friends of mine have and they all seemed to act offended at the remark. I personally wouldn't think it would be an insult but I was curious to see what everybody else thought.

[CherylNYC]

I have a question for you all . It is a little off topic but not far off. Have any of you ever been asked by a sexual partner to use gloves or oral dams? What did you do? Did you use them because the other person would feel more comfortable or did you try to find another way to be safe?

I have never been asked but a few friends of mine have and they all seemed to act offended at the remark. I personally wouldn't think it would be an insult but I was curious to see what everybody else thought.

I'm coming from the other side. I'm the one who does the asking, or I should say insisting, because unsafe sex is a hard limit for me. When I've found myself dating someone who doesn't share my commitment to safer sex, I absolutely insist on it, and they realise pretty quickly that there's no compromising my hard limit. They must use gloves and condoms if they want to play. Period. I do not prefer dental dams. Saran wrap works better.

I've been surprised at how many women don't insist on playing safely. HIV isn't particularly easy to transmit, but Hep C certainly is, and I know more than enough people in my community who are affected. I don't care at all whether or not anyone finds it insulting. I would find it insulting if someone I was dating couldn't respect my hard limit.

Once I've been dating a person for awhile we may trust each other enough to become fluid bonded. We then get tested, after which we can have sex without gloves and saran wrap, assuming the tests turn out well. If either of us were to play outside the fluid bonded relationship, it would have to be 100% safer sex.

[meridiantoo]

I have a question for you all . It is a little off topic but not far off. Have any of you ever been asked by a sexual partner to use gloves or oral dams? What did you do? Did you use them because the other person would feel more comfortable or did you try to find another way to be safe?

I have never been asked but a few friends of mine have and they all seemed to act offended at the remark. I personally wouldn't think it would be an insult but I was curious to see what everybody else thought.


My answer to this is getting tested before sex, tested regularly when I get a PAP, and a waiting period before sex. This is the grown-up me answer. The 20-something me had unsafe/unprotected sex. I will not do this again. I do not like things that impede sensation, so I don't like gloves or dams. I would honestly prefer to wait than to use them and have sex sooner.

How can you be offended by someone valuing their own life (and yours indirectly) enough to demand safe sexual practices!? To me *that* is sexy.

:readrules:

[Ascot]

Neither have I been asked to buy new toys nor have I ever offered. What with the way things can be cleaned and sterilized, I have never felt the need. I like what always2late had to say about not being able to swap out her parts, so why put that expectation on a lover just because it's possible? Too, I sometimes like to erotically incorporate condoms. You know...hooker/client, priest/confesser etc.

[TheMerryFairy]

My answer to this is getting tested before sex, tested regularly when I get a PAP, and a waiting period before sex. This is the grown-up me answer. The 20-something me had unsafe/unprotected sex. I will not do this again. I do not like things that impede sensation, so I don't like gloves or dams. I would honestly prefer to wait than to use them and have sex sooner.

How can you be offended by someone valuing their own life (and yours indirectly) enough to demand safe sexual practices!? To me *that* is sexy.

:readrules:

Me too.

I get tested regularly and I am always using protection unless my own toys are being used on me and even then I have to have things my way LOL

[meridiantoo]

Crikey there's some big expectations here.

I can't get with this "my chap has class (and by inference loves (her) more) he treated me to a new cock" business. It's nothing to do with 'class' or 'respect'.

What about some respect coming the other way? Most of us, the majority I would wager, are not 'unclean' and many fastidious about our sexual practice/cleanliness. I have an advantage over a bio bloke in that I can bleach my cock thanks ever so much. :glasses:

If you don't trust the dood/dyke/et al don't shag 'em. Simples!


I had to think about my response to this a bit before I posted. This is likely not going to be warmly received and, for that reason, I hesitated to say it. This is not just in response to Daktari, but a general tossing out of a perspective. Here goes:

It's not just about trusting your partner; safe sex is about everyone your sexual partner has exchanged fluids with, since birth. Who here has not slept with 1 or 2 (no raising of hands necessary) people that you at some point realized 'that may not have been a good idea' considering their habits/past/previous partners/etc? If this doesn't include you, you are rare and I commend you for that.

As far as equipment/toys, yes, it's a respect issue on one hand. But, I don't see how it's not respectful for both people. It's mutually excluding yourself, as best you can, to that partner. I personally have no issues with sharing the expenses. But, at the same time, respect was given when she had sex with you, right? And respect is not always shown the exact same way at the exact same time to the other person.

I understand being mentally and physically connected to cock. I get that. But, what I don't understand is, if your current partner said you are too big, wide, short, small, whatever, would you not get a new one? Or would you say, this is me - take it or leave it?

I know the new bed comment is a bit extreme. I meant it (mostly) in jest. If I marry, yeah, I want my very own bed. I have in the past, purchased a new bed after having sex with a questionable partner for my mental heath as much as anything else. I would do it again when and if I could.

:olive:

[The_Lady_Snow]

The OP did not reference anything about cock shopping due to one being uncomfortable or to accommodate body shape etc.

The OP referenced respect boundaries and hygiene so therefor new toys are needed for a new partner.

That's why I personally didn't approach the it's not my fit subject. I figured that's pretty elementary if you're in a long term relationship or thinking of entering any kind of liaison that involves penetration unless of course you just met at the library and there wasn't enough time.








I am having a debate with a butch friend of mine and we wanted to enlist the opinions of others to see what is the norm and what reasoning people have behind their opinion...

If you have a new sex partner, does that require new toys also? Is that just a preference or a requirement? Does it include all toys or just the most intimate ones? And why do you hold your opinion?

I will start with my view on this. I am not comfortable having sex with someone who is using any toys from previous lovers. This is not a territorial thing for me, it's a matter of respect and boundaries and practicing good hygiene. I can't deny a twinge of jealousy or some feeling with the idea that a toy we are using was also used with another woman, but mostly it's about my partner and her perspective on respect and boundaries, not so much about the ex lover.

Thanks for sharing!

[meridiantoo]

The OP did not reference anything about cock shopping due to one being uncomfortable or to accommodate body shape etc.

The OP referenced respect boundaries and hygiene so therefor new toys are needed for a new partner.

That's why I personally didn't approach the it's not my fit subject. I figured that's pretty elementary if you're in a long term relationship or thinking of entering any kind of liaison that involves penetration unless of course you just met at the library and there wasn't enough time.

Yes, my answer varied a bit from the original question. I was thinking of all the different things mentioned as I was responding. The thread in general has taken a few twists and turns, which is good, I think. I did not mean to veer too far off the original topic, however. My apologies.

[Toughy]

My answer to this is getting tested before sex, tested regularly when I get a PAP, and a waiting period before sex. This is the grown-up me answer. The 20-something me had unsafe/unprotected sex. I will not do this again. I do not like things that impede sensation, so I don't like gloves or dams. I would honestly prefer to wait than to use them and have sex sooner.

How can you be offended by someone valuing their own life (and yours indirectly) enough to demand safe sexual practices!? To me *that* is sexy.

:readrules:

A simple reminder about any antibody testing.....HIV/Hep/Herpes/_____

The test only tells you your status on the day the blood/saliva was drawn. It takes 3-6 months (it can take shorter or longer though not commonly) to develop antibodies to any antigen (virus in this case). So.......do the math.

To truly say you are HIV or _____ negative you need a minimum of 2 tests and to be damn sure you need 3 tests. You also have to completely trust someone has not exchanged body fluids with another person anytime after the baseline test is drawn. The baseline test is today, the 2nd test is 6 months later and a 3rd test is one year from the baseline. Some folks say you are fine if baseline is neg, another test at 3 months and another at 6 months.

Direct antigen testing is available....meaning you can test for the virus itself (not the antibody). The test is called a PCR and it is used to follow viral load in HIV/HepC folks to monitor treatment. Insurance will probably not pay for it to find out if you are HIV/Hep C positive and it's not cheap when you pay cash. Doctors will just tell you to get the antibody test.

[Martina]

Some of this just feels like people being squeamish about sex and the body. Some people are. Even some sex-positive people. We all require clean toys, but I never give any thought to the number of bodies a cock might have had contact with as long as it is clean and covered by a condom.

Re gloves and other barriers. Yes, I use gloves. I also use saran wrap although, honestly, I rarely go down on someone I am not fluid bonded with.

Again, while I am not squeamish, I respect that some people are, and I do not think it necessarily means anything about their body or sex positivity. But I do think invoking the idea of respect is negative and judgmental. I am not sure what fantasy it's feeding. Mentally denying that one's partner has had sex with others seems like hard work to me. Plus I like to hear about their fun times.

[Toughy]

Oh........I'm with Cheryl about gloves, condoms, and saran wrap......I don't have sex without those things. If you are not willing then we may as well go bowling.....

Fluid bonding is a precious trust thing and I have only done it twice in my life. The first time it was a poly relationship (lasted 16 yrs) and the second time it was a sexually monogamous relationship, but poly when it came to kink.

I have been practicing safer sex since like 1988.........

[JustBeingMe]

I am a butch and when I am in a serious enough relationship with a femme and we're going to enter into the realm of having a sexual encounter in this relationship, I don't bring old toys with me, I have left my old toys with my ex's because it was toys we used on my ex. I prefer to purchase new toys that my new partner and I pick out for her. It's not about anything but being respectful to the person I am going to be intimate with. This is something I choose to do. And you may agree or disagree, but it's my decision to not bring the old into a new relationship.
I highly reccommend using condoms as well, because if you share your toys with one another in usage, it prevents HPV possibly being passed to your partner that can cause issues for her. It's just a safety thing for me.
Anyway, if my partner already has some particular toys she wishes to use, I will discuss with her how they were cleaned, etc and then together make a comfortable decision with both parties involved about the usage of said toys in our relationship. I know toys are expensive at times depending on what you purchase, etc. But safety for me is a huge factor, and so is respecting my new partner and providing her with her own new toys to use.

[meridiantoo]

Some of this just feels like people being squeamish about sex and the body. Some people are. Even some sex-positive people. We all require clean toys, but I never give any thought to the number of bodies a cock might have had contact with as long as it is clean and covered by a condom.

Re gloves and other barriers. Yes, I use gloves. I also use saran wrap although, honestly, I rarely go down on someone I am not fluid bonded with.

Again, while I am not squeamish, I respect that some people are, and I do not think it necessarily means anything about their body or sex positivity. But I do think invoking the idea of respect is negative and judgmental. I am not sure what fantasy it's feeding. Mentally denying that one's partner has had sex with others seems like hard work to me. Plus I like to hear about their fun times.

I'm a germaphobe (from the Urban Dictionary: Germaphobe - 1) Someone who has a genuine phobia of germs and is obsessed with cleanliness) :blush:

[pinkgeek]

Toughy speaks the truth. The current window periods as set by CDC are as follows: HIV - 3 months, HepC - 6 months BUT, both HIV and HepC can and more often than not show up before 3 or 6 months. HepB has to be tested for by blood test.

The current rapid HIV tests at most DOH funded agencies are actually more sensitive than the Western Blot we use to confirm a positive in agency HIV test.

The reason most agencies will not give you an HIV negative "certificate" is that we can only honestly say you are HIV negative for the 20 minutes you spend in our office. If you walk out the door and have sex 45 minutes later...or you lied about your last potential exposure....the test is not an accurate representation of status....If you find a tester willing to risk their state issued tester number by giving you a piece of paper that says you are negative, be very very wary.

If you are tested by blood draw on a Dr. order the lab or your Dr. might give you confirmation letter of some kind, but again - if someone shows it to you use your head and do the math.

More food for thought. :)

A simple reminder about any antibody testing.....HIV/Hep/Herpes/_____

The test only tells you your status on the day the blood/saliva was drawn. It takes 3-6 months (it can take shorter or longer though not commonly) to develop antibodies to any antigen (virus in this case). So.......do the math.

To truly say you are HIV or _____ negative you need a minimum of 2 tests and to be damn sure you need 3 tests. You also have to completely trust someone has not exchanged body fluids with another person anytime after the baseline test is drawn. The baseline test is today, the 2nd test is 6 months later and a 3rd test is one year from the baseline. Some folks say you are fine if baseline is neg, another test at 3 months and another at 6 months.

Direct antigen testing is available....meaning you can test for the virus itself (not the antibody). The test is called a PCR and it is used to follow viral load in HIV/HepC folks to monitor treatment. Insurance will probably not pay for it to find out if you are HIV/Hep C positive and it's not cheap when you pay cash. Doctors will just tell you to get the antibody test.

[Martina]

so is respecting my new partner and providing her with her own new toys to use.

Again, I don't get this and feel it is judgmental. Why bring this in at all in this context?

[kittygrrl]

I am really enjoying the commentary in this thread. I don't agree with all of it but it has certainly given me a chance to re-examine my own perspective. This is just how i see it- but to me a cock isn't a toy. I realize not everyone is going to agree with that and think i am rilly lala. And while it's true I can't get into a butch's head about how he thinks & uses his body and/or extensions what it means to me is tied very securely to the psyhic sync I have with him and some kind of deep primal need I've yet to decipher. So when it comes to what he uses as his cock it's not considered by me a toy in any way..although I totally respect everyone does not see it like that. I don't use gloves because I've never fluid bonded with many. For me the idea is a total turn off on many levels. I understand this probably makes me look irresponsible to those here, you're probably right. If you are dating & having sex with someone you haven't known for a long while you can't be too careful when I was younger sex wasn't this complicated.

[JustBeingMe]

Again, I don't get this and feel it is judgmental. Why bring this in at all in this context?

I am not being judgemental about anything. It's a new fresh relationship so why not use brand new toys is what I think about. It's about respecting my partner enough to not share old toys with her, even if I used a condom on them. I want brand new ones period. As for her own personal toys, that she already has, we will have a discussion on that issue and things.
Why can't you understand what I am sayin. It's written in plain English.
What is it that you don't get in your head


ETA: In fact, I in my past relationships, a few of them, the femme always requested a new toy and for us to go shopping for it?
this is something we talk about together.

[nycfem]

This may not be PC but this is how it went for me and my husbutch:

For BB and me at the beginning, BB was like, "So, how do you think the sex is?" and I was like, "Great, but your dick's too small." BB was like, "But it's MY cock." Some degree of processing ensues, and then flash to:

We go to a sex toy store together, and I pick out a porn star type cock. We go home and BB puts it on and says with a smile, "So how do you like my new cock?"

I look it at from various angles and say (with my traditional tendency to be neurotic), "Actually I think this one may be too big."

BB says, "Well, now that's your problem, because I like it." Wowza! Hot! The new cock stays and we both still love it after eight years! The best butches know when to give in and when to stay strong!

[bright_arrow]

As far as new toys in reference to hygiene reasons, I have only been with three partners who used toys. Two of the partners had brand new toys, just by chance, I was not involved.. another partner was very against fluids, so there was safe sex involved and it only happened a handful of times so we were not together long enough to even have that conversation. It was a part of him, as opposed to being a "toy", so that would of been a big factor.

I talked this over with the wife, and she said she would get new toys as a show of respect. I never had to think about it before, so I can not say for 100% what my view on it would be. I think ideally I would want new toys for a hygiene/old memories reason, but would be realistic about it and realize sometimes that is just not possible - and go from there.

Someone mentioned buying a new bed.. The wife actually bought us a new bed frame once we got serious [as in coupled for two years, together every weekend, now moving in together], we got new bedding somewhere in that time frame [it was faded, change of color scheme was desired], and we just got a new mattress [old mattress be old and worn out!]

She says she got the new frame because she wanted to make new memories.. The frame had prior owners and she wanted it to be OURS.

:blush:

So, we say sex toys in our case are purchased for memories/pleasure reasons as opposed to health reasons, and have been since day one. We are, what's the term, fluid bonded? Condoms are the best thing next to microwave popcorn, so those are always used too! Don't realize how important those are until you roll over in a big wet puddle on the bed from over-application of lube.. and honestly [TMI ALERT] I don't know about y'all but I HATE lube trickling down my ass.. It takes like 100 paper towels to get it all off!

[Daktari]

Is it just me who gets a bit of a thrill from that puddle of girl juice and lube then? :groucho:

Ok, so the antonym for respect is disrespect. By making buying new toys or even a chap's very own willy for each sexual partner about respect you are inferring that other folks who don't do that are disrespectful. That's what makes it judgemental.

Hope that clarifies :chaplin:

[Martina]

I get that cleanliness and safety are indices of self-respect and respecting others.

I don't get the rest of it. What does owning a new anything or a "just ours" anything have to do with respect? And, if one doesn't do that, is one disrespecting oneself and others?

It sounds puritanical to me. If something is clean, it is clean. But people are attaching meaning to the fact that an item has been used by or touched another person. OK. People do that sort of thing. But that has nothing to do with "respect" by any definition. It is not respect or disrespect to choose any of the options discussed in this thread. It is personal preference.

To me this kind of comment seems to invoke some standard of purity that we have inherited from a patriarchal ideology. Why must the stuff be new? Is the idea that fucking is somehow polluting and that the things we fuck with have been contaminated and could pollute others?

Really, if there is no health risk to the new partner, how is buying new a sign of respect? It might be a sign that you are willing to spend money on her, which could mean that you value her. I wouldn't call that respect, but it does indicate regard. But you could buy anything to show that, and it's not anything you are buying.

[Angeltoes]

I have not had a serious discussion w my lover to be but i must admit i live life on the edge...at least in my mind i have never made love to someone I didn't love.

[Sun]

To me this kind of comment seems to invoke some standard of purity that we have inherited from a patriarchal ideology. Why must the stuff be new? Is the idea that fucking is somehow polluting and that the things we fuck with have been contaminated and could pollute others?




Quite frankly I am amazed at how much conversation this topic gets here especially since it was hashed and rehashed in the butch cock thread.

I am not getting the whole purity thing here and it has undertones of "slut" shaming. If I am going to have sex with a woman who has had someone else's cock inside of her how does that impact me? What if they did not use protection? What if they had children? What if the guy fucked around on her with multiple partners?

Answer: So what. This is life. Practice safe sex. The end.

While I am trying hard to absorb the info here, I see the term "toy" and the term "cock" and do relate with the understanding that some here strap on a cock and some strap on a toy.

For those using their own cocks, buy some condoms. Be a clean freak. Not just with your cock/sex toys but with everything. Nails, oral hygiene, and so on. Clean is clean. Learning how to sanitize and keep things as clean as possible is going to have to happen after the first time you use any object or prosthetic device.

[Toughy]

I am really enjoying the commentary in this thread. I don't agree with all of it but it has certainly given me a chance to re-examine my own perspective. This is just how i see it- but to me a cock isn't a toy. I realize not everyone is going to agree with that and think i am rilly lala. And while it's true I can't get into a butch's head about how he thinks & uses his body and/or extensions what it means to me is tied very securely to the psyhic sync I have with him and some kind of deep primal need I've yet to decipher. So when it comes to what he uses as his cock it's not considered by me a toy in any way..although I totally respect everyone does not see it like that. I don't use gloves because I've never fluid bonded with many. For me the idea is a total turn off on many levels. I understand this probably makes me look irresponsible to those here, you're probably right. If you are dating & having sex with someone you haven't known for a long while you can't be too careful when I was younger sex wasn't this complicated.

Did you know that every pronoun you used for a butch is clearly without a doubt a male pronoun?......HE......I hope you do not believe butch=he.

I'm curious what the turn off is about gloves? I used them for anal sex long before HIV came into existence..... It was easy just to add vaginal penetration with gloves. What I highlighted in red is confusing to me. Can you explain it?

[meridiantoo]

Is it just me who gets a bit of a thrill from that puddle of girl juice and lube then? :groucho:

Ok, so the antonym for respect is disrespect. By making buying new toys or even a chap's very own willy for each sexual partner about respect you are inferring that other folks who don't do that are disrespectful. That's what makes it judgemental.

Hope that clarifies :chaplin:

I think this is semantics to a point...

How does someone define what is respect? *humming Aretha now

To say that for me it's a matter of respect is my personal definition. I don't throw it on anyone else unless we are swapping fluids - then it becomes personal.

If others do not define it as imperative/a matter of respect, then it's not. If others define respect differently and set their own parameters for what encompasses safe sex, then that's okay to me, at least.

I started this thread because I was curious what others do, how they feel, and perceive this concept. It has been interesting to see what people have posted.

*P.S. No, it's not just you ....

[meridiantoo]

Quite frankly I am amazed at how much conversation this topic gets here especially since it was hashed and rehashed in the butch cock thread.



I am new and did not realize another thread had already addressed this topic. I do think it being in both forums is a good idea, though (both femme and butch). I feel more comfortable speaking my mind in the femme forums, perhaps because I am new. I may not be the only femme who feels that way.

Now about that banana ice cream :balloon:

[pinkgeek]

I think this is a really interesting and valid point Martina.

I was recently at a meeting with some of the heads of the DOH here and other people in key positions and I was really really surprised by how not liberal about sex they were. The shock was because considering what we do for a living, we've heard it all and then some........One colleague expressed shock at someone hosting a sex party and another epidemiologist couldn't get over the concept of someone being bisexual AND poly. "Why can't they just be normal" was actually said at one point. I was surprised that sex work wasn't talked about openly and when it was there was a whole cloud of shame and stigma around it. Your politics may not be the same as mine, but shame and sex are absolutely about patriarchy, religious fundamentalism, myths and stigma.

I fully realize I'm in the minority and some of my liberalness about sex is because I grew up in a highly conservative environment and part of how I acted out against it was by being sexually and politically liberal as hell. I get that I see sex and many other things humans do through a lens that I purposefully smashed as much shame and judgement out of as I can.

So here lies the problem as I see it in our community of queers who dig the butch/femme label, identity, etc. Sex in most all communities has an element of shame involved in it, some more so than others but it's not as much of an individual opinion as it is a insidious social one. In my opinion when the queer community places "respect" on a toy or cock being new we add to the problem not take away from it and here's why in my opinion.

If I go back and read this whole thread I see a dividing line come pretty clear. Those who think sex is sex and doing it safely is what's paramount and those who think respect, class, love, etc is tied to the newness of object used to reach orgasm and the infrequency of one night stands being important to them.

The unsaid remark I feel is that those of us who are more liberal are slutty. Slutty because we don't place relative importance on buying a new cock or toy for a new partner. Slutty that we are less loving, respectful, classy and slutty because one night stands or sex for the sake of sex doesn't cause us moral or emotional dilemma. That we love less deeply because we have had more than a select few lovers/partners.

So in closing this note that is sure to be irritating to some what I will say is....examine the value judgements you make around sex. (I'm including myself, I need to examine my own since I got a little judgy-mcjudgerton by people expressing more conservative and emotion based opinions than I have.)

Same sex marriage is illegal based on arguments about how we have s.e.x and who we have sex with and to add additional shame around sex to me adds legitimacy to the argument that what we do in our beds is somehow not normal when it is.

Sex is normal and fun and messy and sometimes safe and sometimes unsafe, but either way you slice it sex, queer sex, het sex, kinky sex it's all sex and sex is a normal human thingy! (Yay for not science words that get the point across!)

I'm fairly certain the shaming attitude is less what people are thinking or writing openly and on purpose and more something that has evolved and come to light as a result of this thread which is both beautiful and important.

Personally I shall endeavor to spend more time having sex this week than I do talking about it which means I had better stop writing! :eek:

I get that cleanliness and safety are indices of self-respect and respecting others.

I don't get the rest of it. What does owning a new anything or a "just ours" anything have to do with respect? And, if one doesn't do that, is one disrespecting oneself and others?

It sounds puritanical to me. If something is clean, it is clean. But people are attaching meaning to the fact that an item has been used by or touched another person. OK. People do that sort of thing. But that has nothing to do with "respect" by any definition. It is not respect or disrespect to choose any of the options discussed in this thread. It is personal preference.

To me this kind of comment seems to invoke some standard of purity that we have inherited from a patriarchal ideology. Why must the stuff be new? Is the idea that fucking is somehow polluting and that the things we fuck with have been contaminated and could pollute others?

Really, if there is no health risk to the new partner, how is buying new a sign of respect? It might be a sign that you are willing to spend money on her, which could mean that you value her. I wouldn't call that respect, but it does indicate regard. But you could buy anything to show that, and it's not anything you are buying.

[pinkgeek]

I think most subjects are worth discussing more than once!

I agree that having this thread in the femme zone makes me more likely to participate. As a personal rule I am less likely to be as opinionated in "zones" that aren't part of my definition of myself. My opinion about butch cock in a butch thread usually stops at my imagination and doesn't flow to my keyboard.

I'll add coconut to your banana ice cream and see you some chocolate chips.

I am new and did not realize another thread had already addressed this topic. I do think it being in both forums is a good idea, though (both femme and butch). I feel more comfortable speaking my mind in the femme forums, perhaps because I am new. I may not be the only femme who feels that way.

Now about that banana ice cream :balloon:

[meridiantoo]

These are my thoughts before slumber tonight:

Our sexuality is an extension of the very core of our being. It is intertwined with our beliefs/hopes/dreams/self-identities/fears/the list goes on and on. My 'respect' definition is my own. It is based in patriarchal puritanical ideologies. I have no problem with that. As such, my sexual practices/lifestyle also reflect this. By owning this as me, it necessarily excludes other lifestyles. I can't be both puritanical and sexually liberal at the same time. That doesn't mean shaming of someone who lives differently than I do. I may not truly understand it. I may not appreciate it. I may not know how to process it. But, it doesn't mean a judgment per se. What someone thinks is on them.

I think this is the pearl of this thread, one I did not see when it started. You get to see how others feel about themselves, how they perceive others, and where their own definitions lie. To me, this is how you learn to grow as a person, expand your mind/heart and thus character.

:wine:

[pinkgeek]

My 'respect' definition is my own. It is based in patriarchal puritanical ideologies. I have no problem with that. As such, my sexual practices/lifestyle also reflect this.

Disclaimer: I ask this in a most respectful fashion and in no way am I attacking you. I'm by nature a very curious person (ask anyone on BFP who knows me IRL) and articulate, respectful discourse with people who don't share my points of view, politics, etc. is incredibly interesting and valuable to me. Additionally I use the term "queer(s)" in it's academic meaning: to include the whole gender/LGBT spectrum.

Question: How do you reconcile being wherever you place yourself on the queer spectrum and being OK with/embracing of patriarchal and puritanical ideologies that have been and continue to be responsible for the subjugation, stratification and repression of minorities, very specifically targeting women and queers.

(I'm assuming because this is a butch/femme site that you do place yourself on the LGBT spectrum and don't identify as str8.)

:glasses: <---nerdy pink is nerdy :)

[meridiantoo]

Disclaimer: I ask this in a most respectful fashion and in no way am I attacking you. I'm by nature a very curious person (ask anyone on BFP who knows me IRL) and articulate, respectful discourse with people who don't share my points of view, politics, etc. is incredibly interesting and valuable to me. Additionally I use the term "queer(s)" in it's academic meaning: to include the whole gender/LGBT spectrum.

Question: How do you reconcile being wherever you place yourself on the queer spectrum and being OK with/embracing of patriarchal and puritanical ideologies that have been and continue to be responsible for the subjugation, stratification and repression of minorities, very specifically targeting women and queers.

(I'm assuming because this is a butch/femme site that you do place yourself on the LGBT spectrum and don't identify as str8.)

:glasses: <---nerdy pink is nerdy :)

Pink,

I loved what you wrote in your earlier post. I didn't take it offensively. I took it as I am in that category and that is the basis for my self-definitions. Being okay with it means I don't war with it, struggle with it (anymore, anyway).

No, I am not straight; lesbian femme - came out at 26, but I've only had 4 female sexual partners in that time.

Question: How do you reconcile being wherever you place yourself on the queer spectrum and being OK with/embracing of patriarchal and puritanical ideologies that have been and continue to be responsible for the subjugation, stratification and repression of minorities, very specifically targeting women and queers.


I have many issues with patriarchal systems. But, I still believe in them. I know that many, if not most, Christians do not act as Christ would, they are not Christ-like. That is very saddening to me, but it's true, in my experience. I look at it that the male persona (mostly bio male religious fundamentalists) have made the systems the way they are. And they are based on fear, mostly, I think, then followed by a sense of entitlement. I see the diamond in all the coal, and there is a lot of coal to brush aside to find the gem. I'm really pooped, but I wanted to respond before I went to bed. I will add more tomorrow. Thank you for responding.

[Bad_boi]

As for toys I prefer to replace them. Most the time people don't cover their toys for play. If it is something that is hers alone and I might tease her with it I don't think it has to be replaced but if she has something that has been used on people other than myself and her it needs to go.


As for my cock, it is my cock. A bio guy can't replace his so there is no real reason why I should replace mine. I don't expect my partners to buy a new vagina if they have slept with someone else. I use condoms and have sex responsibly. If this makes anyone uncomfortable then they have the right not to sleep with me. While I understand some people might say that being able to choose your size is a good thing (and I agree) however, it should be by choice not just because your partner wants it a certain way. It should mesh well with your body and make you feel comfortable and happy.

[pinkgeek]

Pink,
I have many issues with patriarchal systems. But, I still believe in them. I know that many, if not most, Christians do not act as Christ would, they are not Christ-like. That is very saddening to me, but it's true, in my experience. I look at it that the male persona (mostly bio male religious fundamentalists) have made the systems the way they are. And they are based on fear, mostly, I think, then followed by a sense of entitlement. I see the diamond in all the coal, and there is a lot of coal to brush aside to find the gem. I'm really pooped, but I wanted to respond before I went to bed. I will add more tomorrow. Thank you for responding.

Thank you for responding and not taking offense by my curiosity. I should be asleep but I'm not and this whole thread has me writing a blog post which I'll regret when I have to be up in 3 hours.

I still not sure I understand your point, but we might be talking at cross points given that it's so late. I understand you are Christian and that for many/most that is a more conservative value system regarding sex etc, but I think one can be a Christian and still not subscribe to the patriarchy/puritanical rhetoric of minority oppression. I have many many Catholic friends who are allies and social justice workers, and I'm fairly certain that they would rail against their faith as a subscription to the patriarchy.

I have a professor who was a Methodist preacher for a huge congregation in Arizona. She jokes that all the gays came to her church. I'm going to have to ask her what she thinks about the intersection of religion and subscribing to the patriarchy. She's really progressive, was a sex therapist and teaches women's studies so it's not like I have the most conservative sources to ask.

Thanks for fab discourse. It will certainly lead to some incredible conversations with friends.

:blueheels:

[Bells]

ok my 2 cents is......

Personally when in a new relationship I prefer to go and buy new toys. I like going shopping with my partner to buy them . I think it makes it that more personal and special. Plus I get to pick the type I like (some femmes like length and some of us like girth)

[Gemme]

I have a question for you all . It is a little off topic but not far off. Have any of you ever been asked by a sexual partner to use gloves or oral dams? What did you do? Did you use them because the other person would feel more comfortable or did you try to find another way to be safe?

I have never been asked but a few friends of mine have and they all seemed to act offended at the remark. I personally wouldn't think it would be an insult but I was curious to see what everybody else thought.

Safety first! Whatever means you need to achieve, do so.

Why can't you understand what I am sayin. It's written in plain English.
What is it that you don't get in your head



I can understand being frustrated when varying opinions don't mesh well in conversations and it seems as if your opinon is not being heard but if this comment was addressed to me in a conversation, I would be pissed. It's offensive, not only to whom it was addressed to but the rest of us in the conversation too.

By posting online, we all open ourselves up to others who may counteract our opinions or have questions about why we feel as wel do. The act of posting consents to this.

[DapperButch]

Ok, so I admit I haven't read the last 10 posts, but I don't have time. I am guessing no one mentioned this:

I would suggest that if we did a poll that those butches that see their cocks as "toys", rather than extensions of themselves would have less trouble tossing their cocks than those who see their cocks as extensions of themselves (if we take cost, "principle", and every other variable out of it).

As I said, the way I managed it in the long ago past was to get a new one, but of the same type. This sort of worked, but I admit I was happy when I got into a relationship where this was not necessary. As stated earlier, I think I would hold the line with doing this again.

I am always open to looking to add to the "cock line" with a partner. One cock does not fit all and if she would like a different size to use at times that is fine with me. As Toughy said, I "own" every cock I put on. For me, however, I have one that is truly a part of me.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I have to ask because it's puzzling to me...


How do you know the hygiene routines of your lover/partner/hook up? Do you have that talk prior to fucking? How do you really know that just because it's new that it's being sanitized properly? How do you know for sure?

It's puzzling to me because in this particular community a lot of relationships are long distance so how do you really know that the toys just newly purchased aren't having sexy times with others? Do you take the toys with you so that it doesn't happen?

It's really disconcerting reading the judgmental sex shaming that's going on about people who aren't dropping $300.00 on new equipment so the other person can say "it's mine,ours"..

[Daktari]

For me there is a difference between 'me' and the rest of the dildos that I have at my disposal.

If a girl/woman/et al doesn't want 'me' then there's plenty of other options for her to choose from...I'd be wary of someone who didn't want 'me' though and that encounter would likely be the last. Crikey if there's that much of a problem then I have my hands...hopefully I remember to wash them and wear the purple nitriles. :|


Thinking out loud - So, your chap buys new toys and/or 'me' cock; do you require a new harness to go with them? You have no idea how many little nooks and crannies there are on harnesses to trap germs, girl jizz and lube and...if not scrupulously looked after and cleaned after every use. Don't think they've made a whole harness condom yet.

Silicone is waaaaay easier to sterilise than a leather harness.

[The_Lady_Snow]

This is how I (notice the I) view sexy time with new prospects.. If your bathroom, kitchen sink, floors are dirty and you eat like a slob is happening, my automatic thoughts are gonna go to

"Jesus, I can't imagine the rest"


Cause if ya can't handle a dish how the hell are they gonna be with everything else.

[Katniss]

I have to ask because it's puzzling to me...


It's puzzling to me because in this particular community a lot of relationships are long distance so how do you really know that the toys just newly purchased aren't having sexy times with others? Do you take the toys with you so that it doesn't happen?

Maybe it's too early in the morning, maybe I've been on too many cold meds. for too long....but this is funny as h@ll. Do you know how many straight women would love to be able to pack up their lover's cock and keep it on lock-down when they are out of town? LoL! (I won't go into the fact men used to do this for years with chastity belts.)

Of course imagine the um, deflated feeling, when one steps off the plane only to realize that while their heart may be in San Francisco the cock got left back in San Antonio. I think a country-western song could be in order here.....

Katniss~~(derail momentarily over while I work on a haiku of the above....)

[StoneOne]

Sometimes though, you meet someone and you are sexually attracted and you end up having sex with them, there isn't going to be time to *get to know details* it's just about two people having consentual adult sex.



Should either party go and get new toys just because they started dating someone a week later seriously?

Why are Femme's not expected to get new vaginas?


The problem with the question when it comes to queer cock is:

For some butches.guys.bois.boys.ze's.trans, and femme folk is the cock they have is part of them. Something that is part of who they are and their identity and if someone is safe they should not have to throw away all their toys just because they dated someone new. If it's something that it is talked about and agreed upon and costs are even shared since they are now a couple I understand.

But to have the expectation that someone get a new cock or cocks just because they used them before and have done so safely is to much. Toys are expensive, cocks ain't cheap.


What about those who are kinky?

Does everyone here who is kinky replace each toy they have played with past liasons?


I would think that would get highly expensive..


Let's talk lube. Is your lube replaced with each parnter? Do you use different lube for anal and vaginal sex?

Blessings to your family

Kinky here more so everyday smile always in flux and growing
Not bio male here
my cock is not a "toy" it is part of me who, I am, my identity
however I am not bio and I can buy and pack a new cock for My lover
have I always bought everything new
masks. whips ,chains, bedding, knives, belts, fire equip, new and diff lube yes by choice expensive you bet so on
equip such as Saint Andrews Cross I love to build for my new lover not worried about its use on others
have I always left "everything.... yes by choice because I choose to give them everything exception personal clothing ,other "stuff"
Play partners yes my alter ego different Toys
lol 1 ex signed over my home for a doller
I know I know
This is no longer how extreme I will go I am now 50/50
I am clean to extreame OCD not worried about "transfer"
My mind is always, who I share this personal part of me
When I was young One Night stands Yes
Now Never Dangerious VERY
But do I have Toys and my cock for events and only events Thunder, Dark Odyssey yeppers do I meet and play yeppers there is lots of sceaning and different play to start out doing and playing without My cock, get to know build trust if there is a click or spark
So I am rambling
I respect All of your personal choices, I respect All you choose to do with all your partners
I guess it comes down to what you want, your likes and dislikes I am good with them as it does not affect Me or My life
And W/we are whats makes this world go round and it is also what sparks any relationship we enter into it is a W/we thing W/we do what fits us best
so
Thank you for thiis thread it is a great back and forth

[Hollylane]

It's puzzling to me because in this particular community a lot of relationships are long distance so how do you really know that the toys just newly purchased aren't having sexy times with others? Do you take the toys with you so that it doesn't happen?



Gaige's cock didn't make it to the airport after her last visit, and I know she will be appalled when I tell all of you, that the lovely fellow has indeed been having "sexy time" with a local temptress...Me. Heh.

I'd feel a little bad about it, but I know she knows/fantasizes about it, and it not-so-secretly turns her on. :)

[Gaige]

Gaige's cock didn't make it to the airport after her last visit, and I know she will be appalled when I tell all of you, that the lovely fellow has indeed been having "sexy time" with a local temptress...Me. Heh.

I'd feel a little bad about it, but I know she knows/fantasizes about it, and it not-so-secretly turns her on. :)


:eyebrow: ..........

[CherylNYC]

Wow. There are some very serious negative judgements being thrown around every time anyone writes that buying a new cock for a new relationship is about 'respect'. As Daktari wrote, the opposite of respect is disrespect.

It's good for me to read that clearly here because those of you who judge me and see my behaviour as somehow disrespectful will never get anywhere NEAR my bedroom.

[macele]

there's nothing wrong with wanting new sex toys. if it turns a person off to use toys that others have used, ... and they do use them anyway, ... now that is indeed wrong.


as far as germs, we all have them. no way to totally be germ free. for me, not using a toy that someone else has used has nothing to do with germs. it is a turn off, my reason.

i know that a toothbrush and underwear don't compare to the price of sex toys. but i'm not using someone elses personal items. i don't care what kind of personal items.

definitely turns me off.

[always2late]

I think that perhaps one of the problems here is that we all have different definitions of what "toys" are. To clarify my feelings on this matter....toys can be replaced, organs can not (and if you are wondering if I think that a cock that a person strongly identifies with, a cock that is theirs, is an organ...yes, I do). And, just for the record, I think that asking, or expecting, someone to replace a part of themselves is the very OPPOSITE of respect! I use condoms, and my partners have all been scrupulously clean when it comes to their cocks AND their toys. However, if your partner has no issue with replacing either, and you desire a replacement...then have at it! :)

[Jess]

I used to have a rule... Girl cleans the toys. Not only was it part of the ritual, it was my way of assuring the toys were cleaned to her satisfaction. After all, if they are going inside her then she sets the standard of cleanliness when she cleans them , ( I am stone so it doesn't happen that way, though I know some butches/ ftm's also enjoy penetration, so that wasn't an assumptive statement, simply my history) ... My cock, I clean.

[Toughy]

First: One night stands are NOT dangerous. Practice safer sex and you are just fine. Serial monogamy without safer sex is far more dangerous.

Second: Yikes!! This is in the Femme Forum..........I never look.

There is a whole bunch of sex negative and body negative stuff going on in here.

Ok what I am trying to figure out is this idea that you go buy new equipment together BEFORE you have sex. Talk about ruining the spontaneity of the moment. So we have been on a couple of dates and the attraction is obvious and I take you home and it gets hot and heavy........STOP.....cannot have sex.......don't have new equipment, would be disrespectful. Do folks sit down and talk about sex and equipment and all that stuff before they fuck? That would make me nuts. Sex is spontaneous in my world. I don't need to talk about boundaries and all that before the first time. I pay attention to my partner and her reactions to every single thing I do. I can tell if she likes it or does not like it. If she sees my cock and thinks it's wrong for her then hers comes out.....that is not much more than two or three sentences. I promise she can tell the same thing about me....whether I like what she is doing or do not like it. If this is going to continue then of course there will be longer conversations.

I am kinky and boundaries are critical in our world. I don't ever play with someone without having a basic hard no conversation....which can last less than 5 minutes. If play is going to happen more often then it gets more serious about the yes/no list.

[Daktari]

What's that you say honey? You've had other chaps cocks in your mouth and you want me to kiss you? :|

[The_Lady_Snow]

Gaige's cock didn't make it to the airport after her last visit, and I know she will be appalled when I tell all of you, that the lovely fellow has indeed been having "sexy time" with a local temptress...Me. Heh.

I'd feel a little bad about it, but I know she knows/fantasizes about it, and it not-so-secretly turns her on. :)




I am going to bounce of your post Holly because I feel it's important and it isn't being talked about.


*I* personally if I was in a long distance relationship would not consent to my girl/boy keeping "my" cock.

For *ME* (notice I am talking about me, not anyone else but me) I would not be comfortable with my fuck buddy. partner.submissive.plaything.hook up. if they asked me to leave my cock or toys there. I would wonder why? I would be like um no, I would look at them and wonder why they had the need to keep something that is mine there. (this is different than toothbrushes, t-shirts or any other item that some folks need to be connected).


The reason I bring this up is because I'd like to keep this conversation *real* if I wanted to fuck, there is nothing that is going to stop me. Me leaving my cock at X's house isn't going to stop me from fucking if the urge rises up. Just because I left my cock at O's house is not going to deter me from sexy time. I can:

A. purchase another one

B. use my hands, mouth, or a banana if I want

C. I can use who I am with cock or toys

D. I may have other cocks at home to use


I don't know if for some people the "buy new stuf for me" is a security issue, a value issue, a trust issue, or they just really want a new cock stuff.


It's really a shame we can not have a conversation about the preferences of cock without having to shame those who do partake in one night stands, weekend fucky fucky time, went to Little Rock and got me some time, or any other kind of consentual adult relationship. We're adults as Toughy pointed out if you are going to replace all the toys I hope that these talks are being had BEFORE the actual fucky fucky, if not then I hope you plan a trip to the cock store so everyone is happy. I also hope that while people are getting to know one another the first thing one should be asking is are they tested because nothing ruins a good time like disease or two.


The myth that people who happen to like to fuck without having to be in a monogamous relationship are classless, disrespectful, dirty, dangerous needs to stop. I assure you I am disease free, OCD clean, am never without gloves, condom, damn, saran wrap, I am so sure of this I can put a money bet that my doctors bag is a safe sex haven compared to most people's idea or drawer of safe sex.

[Sachita]

I don't exchange any body fluids, not even kissing unless I'm in a committed relationship or have a firm understanding. This means we know each other, there is history and we practice safe sex. I also have a three month rule. You can learn a lot about someone in three months.

So my final answer is it would be a case by case basis. I'm pretty picky about what I'll allow inside of me. I'm usually in control, especially in the bedroom so I purchase the toys I'd like to have used on me. This doesn't mean I won't listen and consider. I'm not sure how I feel about someone bringing their own because it really hasn't happened. I'd want to see and know about it before they used it on me.

[Bard]

This has got me thinking and I did get new to be with Desd more because it was a new start leaving the past behind but I would never judge anyone for what they do or do not do it is a very personal thing for both parties involved. I know when I broke up with my ex( Gooses mother) she um went into the spare bedroom where I was staying and found my harness and a new cock that I had purchased before we even broke up she cut them both up and left it on my bed. It is import and that as we discus this topic that remember that yes some are toys some are extensions of the person themselves and that we don't give someone that icky feeling that they are being slammed or shamed. Be Happy and love well. on that note I am waiting for Desd to get home so we can shop for some new items we try to do this together so that it is the best fit for both of us

[meridiantoo]

Disclaimer: I ask this in a most respectful fashion and in no way am I attacking you. I'm by nature a very curious person (ask anyone on BFP who knows me IRL) and articulate, respectful discourse with people who don't share my points of view, politics, etc. is incredibly interesting and valuable to me. Additionally I use the term "queer(s)" in it's academic meaning: to include the whole gender/LGBT spectrum.

Question: How do you reconcile being wherever you place yourself on the queer spectrum and being OK with/embracing of patriarchal and puritanical ideologies that have been and continue to be responsible for the subjugation, stratification and repression of minorities, very specifically targeting women and queers.

(I'm assuming because this is a butch/femme site that you do place yourself on the LGBT spectrum and don't identify as str8.)

:glasses: <---nerdy pink is nerdy :)

Okay, back with a fresh pair of eyes and clearer thoughts...

I take the systems as a whole and realize they are limited and flawed because humans are limited and flawed (this is just my opinion, not tossing this toward or on anyone else - :canoworms: ).

I don't accept/support/overlook what has been done in the course of humanity to minorities/children/animals/Earth/those deemed 'lesser than' for whatever reason. I can't reconcile it to the point of being comfortable with living in a system that harms/disregards others. However, I am certain that if there were matriarchal systems that dominated history, there would be other problems too. I don't think female/feminine identities are without flaws/inherent limits. Both male and female as we know it are balancing agents. One alone is not enough and there is a 'checks and balances' undercurrent to life. Call it whatever you want (karma, justice)- it seems to be there to some degree. Without rambling too much more, I just think the answer to the crimes against humanity/life in general does not lie in male persecution or male subjugation. Two wrongs do not make a right. I am not a feminist as such. I don't think women should rule. I think men/women should rule fairly and in harmony.

I go to church and am saddened that my sexuality is an issue. But, I also understand where people are coming from and I do not think God condemns me. If people do, that's on them, in the end. Getting weary with the battle does mean I have, at this point in my life, set aside formal church settings for the most part. It's a flawed system. But, still one I accept as my truth.

:praying:

[Daktari]

You don't trust me and so want to keep a part of my body, then I shall put you into chastity until I see you again. If you don't trust me then why are we fucking to start with?

Keeping a part of me will not stop me playing with my most potent sexual 'organ', m'brain. Or other cocks.

I don't buy new impact play implements for each girl, partner, fuck buddy, casual club play girl. However, I'm zealous about the care of my 'tools' as well as my cock, other dildos, other harnesses and those humans who put their hides in my hands. Sane and consensual as well as risk aware.

[meridiantoo]

I also have a three month rule. You can learn a lot about someone in three months.


This is my rule also, for many reasons, not just the safe sex thing.

:flowers:

[meridiantoo]

I know when I broke up with my ex( Gooses mother) she um went into the spare bedroom where I was staying and found my harness and a new cock that I had purchased before we even broke up she cut them both up and left it on my bed. :blink:

I'm sure there are valid reasons for doing this, but not many. Yowsie.

[Soon]

I just think the answer to the crimes against humanity/life in general does not lie in male persecution or male subjugation. Two wrongs do not make a right. I am not a feminist as such. I don't think women should rule.

Feminism is not about subjugating and/or persecuting men (or even creating a system where "women...rule"--although more women in positions of power would help)--it is about working towards social, economic, sexual, political (etc.) equality in a world that is far from it.

[meridiantoo]

First: [B][I]

Ok what I am trying to figure out is this idea that you go buy new equipment together BEFORE you have sex. Talk about ruining the spontaneity of the moment. So we have been on a couple of dates and the attraction is obvious and I take you home and it gets hot and heavy........STOP.....cannot have sex.......don't have new equipment, would be disrespectful. Do folks sit down and talk about sex and equipment and all that stuff before they fuck? That would make me nuts. Sex is spontaneous in my world. I don't need to talk about boundaries and all that before the first time. I pay attention to my partner and her reactions to every single thing I do. I can tell if she likes it or does not like it. If she sees my cock and thinks it's wrong for her then hers comes out.....that is not much more than two or three sentences. I promise she can tell the same thing about me....whether I like what she is doing or do not like it. If this is going to continue then of course there will be longer conversations.


Much of the conversation happens during the normal discourse of dating, not a formal 'lay it all on the table' event. If, during the normal course of courtship (love that word/term/concept), I still have doubts/questions/concerns, I do initiate directed conversations. Does it kill the mood? It sometimes postpones the mood. If the mood is that 'fleeting' and 'wanton' then it's not what I want to invest in anyway.

It just takes paying attention for the most part. But, not everyone has the same set of lenses through which they interpret others. So, I think this means we all we can pay attention and still miss important details and need to verbally ask.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I don't understand how being a feminist = hating men..


Originally Posted by Bard
I know when I broke up with my ex( Gooses mother) she um went into the spare bedroom where I was staying and found my harness and a new cock that I had purchased before we even broke up she cut them both up and left it on my bed.
------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by meridian

I'm sure there are valid reasons for doing this, but not many. Yowsie.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

meridian, there is no validity for taking someone's personal property and ruining it NONE.. That kind of shit is gross and there are some deep issues going on there.

I am pretty sure we can safely say that by her cutting up the equipment did NOT stop Bard from seeking another relationship/s...

Destroying property isn't cool, justifiable or ok no matter what, if you're (general) cray cray is showing that bad and you (general) are starting to get that creeping thought of destroying stuff that belongs to a lover, ex, or ANYONE perhaps a trip to the therapist is due...

WOW!! I can't believe I read what I read just now!!!

[meridiantoo]

Feminism is not about subjugating and/or persecuting men (or even creating a system where "women...rule"--although more women in positions of power would help)--it is about working towards social, economic, sexual, political (etc.) equality in a world that is far from it.

I don't think true feminism is either. Neither is true masculinism/patriarchy. It's the perverted and skewed reality of how that plays out in history that makes it wrong, in my perspective. I am all for supporting/advancing women's rights. I did not make that statement to infer all feminism is male-bashing. I meant to imply that if it becomes that extreme, then I'm not on board with it.

:hangloose:

[meridiantoo]

I don't understand how being a feminist = hating men..


Originally Posted by Bard
I know when I broke up with my ex( Gooses mother) she um went into the spare bedroom where I was staying and found my harness and a new cock that I had purchased before we even broke up she cut them both up and left it on my bed.
------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by meridian

I'm sure there are valid reasons for doing this, but not many. Yowsie.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

meridian, there is no validity for taking someone's personal property and ruining it NONE.. That kind of shit is gross and there are some deep issues going on there.

I am pretty sure we can safely say that by her cutting up the equipment did NOT stop Bard from seeking another relationship/s...

Destroying property isn't cool, justifiable or ok no matter what, if you're (general) cray cray is showing that bad and you (general) are starting to get that creeping thought of destroying stuff that belongs to a lover, ex, or ANYONE perhaps a trip to the therapist is due...

WOW!! I can't believe I read what I read just now!!!

You rape a woman, you earn that. That's my point of view. There are reasons I can see women do it. I personally would not. But, I also would not judge someone who was raped and did that in angst.

Just my 2 cents....

I don't go around chopping cock up for personal pleasure.

[~ocean]

buy a bushel and a peck and let her snuggle into your neck ~~

[The_Lady_Snow]

You rape a woman, you earn that. That's my point of view. There are reasons I can see women do it. I personally would not. But, I also would not judge someone who was raped and did that in angst.

Just my 2 cents....

I don't go around chopping cock up for personal pleasure..

I'm confused when did rape come into the convo?

[pinkgeek]

What is true feminism or are you referring to how you see feminism? Someone with a better grounding in women's studies than I do, I'd love an answer re: the concept of "true feminism". Feel free to PM so we don't go off topic much further.

Contemporary feminism as I understand it has to do with women having the freedom and choice to do ANYTHING a man does and nothing to do with make bashing.

Meri- the rest of my comments I'll send in a message to you so we don't inadvertently run too far off the original topic.

I don't think true feminism is either. Neither is true masculinism/patriarchy. It's the perverted and skewed reality of how that plays out in history that makes it wrong, in my perspective. I am all for supporting/advancing women's rights. I did not make that statement to infer all feminism is male-bashing. I meant to imply that if it becomes that extreme, then I'm not on board with it.

:hangloose:

[kittygrrl]

Did you know that every pronoun you used for a butch is clearly without a doubt a male pronoun?......HE......I hope you do not believe butch=he.

I'm curious what the turn off is about gloves? I used them for anal sex long before HIV came into existence..... It was easy just to add vaginal penetration with gloves. What I highlighted in red is confusing to me. Can you explain it?

Contrary to the opinions had by some who think they know me i ' havent had numerous encounters. I had one lover that lied to me about her casual encounters with men and as a result had to endure 2 hiv tests scared and completely convinced i had contracted hiv. From that point on I made it a priority that before & until I got to know someone well I wasn't going to put myself in that position again, hence by the time we are involved we've both been tested and i feel safer. Gloves, it's just a personal thing, it's a turn-off..i've no problem with saran wrap.
Regarding he/hi/hym/her/hir. I have a tendency to use whatever term appeals to the person i am with..it's automatic..her is also totally fine but i haven't been with anyone in many years who hasn't expressed issues with her. No disrespect intended I am comfortable with both him/her etc. Just a habit of late, real time it's usually easy to pick up but this is a forum so tend to project from my current experience.

[Bard]

You rape a woman, you earn that. That's my point of view. There are reasons I can see women do it. I personally would not. But, I also would not judge someone who was raped and did that in angst.

Just my 2 cents....

I don't go around chopping cock up for personal pleasure.

uh she did it for spite so that i would not be able to fuck another woman her words not mine i am gonna bow out of this topic now

[AmazonWoman1]

I think this is a really interesting and valid point Martina.

I was recently at a meeting with some of the heads of the DOH here and other people in key positions and I was really really surprised by how not liberal about sex they were. The shock was because considering what we do for a living, we've heard it all and then some........One colleague expressed shock at someone hosting a sex party and another epidemiologist couldn't get over the concept of someone being bisexual AND poly. "Why can't they just be normal" was actually said at one point. I was surprised that sex work wasn't talked about openly and when it was there was a whole cloud of shame and stigma around it. Your politics may not be the same as mine, but shame and sex are absolutely about patriarchy, religious fundamentalism, myths and stigma.

I fully realize I'm in the minority and some of my liberalness about sex is because I grew up in a highly conservative environment and part of how I acted out against it was by being sexually and politically liberal as hell. I get that I see sex and many other things humans do through a lens that I purposefully smashed as much shame and judgement out of as I can.

So here lies the problem as I see it in our community of queers who dig the butch/femme label, identity, etc. Sex in most all communities has an element of shame involved in it, some more so than others but it's not as much of an individual opinion as it is a insidious social one. In my opinion when the queer community places "respect" on a toy or cock being new we add to the problem not take away from it and here's why in my opinion.

If I go back and read this whole thread I see a dividing line come pretty clear. Those who think sex is sex and doing it safely is what's paramount and those who think respect, class, love, etc is tied to the newness of object used to reach orgasm and the infrequency of one night stands being important to them.

The unsaid remark I feel is that those of us who are more liberal are slutty. Slutty because we don't place relative importance on buying a new cock or toy for a new partner. Slutty that we are less loving, respectful, classy and slutty because one night stands or sex for the sake of sex doesn't cause us moral or emotional dilemma. That we love less deeply because we have had more than a select few lovers/partners.

So in closing this note that is sure to be irritating to some what I will say is....examine the value judgements you make around sex. (I'm including myself, I need to examine my own since I got a little judgy-mcjudgerton by people expressing more conservative and emotion based opinions than I have.)

Same sex marriage is illegal based on arguments about how we have s.e.x and who we have sex with and to add additional shame around sex to me adds legitimacy to the argument that what we do in our beds is somehow not normal when it is.

Sex is normal and fun and messy and sometimes safe and sometimes unsafe, but either way you slice it sex, queer sex, het sex, kinky sex it's all sex and sex is a normal human thingy! (Yay for not science words that get the point across!)

I'm fairly certain the shaming attitude is less what people are thinking or writing openly and on purpose and more something that has evolved and come to light as a result of this thread which is both beautiful and important.

Personally I shall endeavor to spend more time having sex this week than I do talking about it which means I had better stop writing! :eek:

I am amazed at what is actually occurring here for all of us.Many of us are telling others who we truly are & in doing so pushing buttons that were previously hidden from them.When other readers Like Daktari & Pink Geek & Martina come along & language the hidden subtextual messages that are pushing the buttons everyone of us benefits form that exchange.These discomforts are truly enlightening to all of us.We become more fully aware beings.This text seen previously as a slight becomes a true learning experience.Thank you for all of it .Namaste

[meridiantoo]

uh she did it for spite so that i would not be able to fuck another woman her words not mine i am gonna bow out of this topic now

Right..not saying you raped her. Saying that would be one of the few viable reasons I can see someone doing that, that's all.

:wallbreak: My head hurts!

[CherylNYC]

uh she did it for spite so that i would not be able to fuck another woman her words not mine i am gonna bow out of this topic now

Thank you for being so patient with a very inflammatory post, Bard.

Meridian, I'm shocked that you would jump all the way to rape in the middle of this conversation. That was really inappropriate.

[Daktari]

Rape is a reason to prosecute someone for a violent crime, not carte blanche to respond in kind.

[meridiantoo]

Thank you for being so patient with a very inflammatory post, Bard.

Meridian, I'm shocked that you would jump all the way to rape in the middle of this conversation. That was really inappropriate.

I'm not sure what you mean by inflammatory. I was thinking of 2 separate posts when I made that response to Bard. I in no way meant to insinuate that Bard had raped anyone, nor that it was even a thought Bard had misconducted in any way. I was trying to address 2 things at once - 1 being that there is very rare occasion to ever think of doing something like that (butchering someone's stuff, specifically their equipment/toys/cock/not sure what word you prefer here), which would be rape, and 2 being that I thought it was inappropriate of her ex to do that, considering it wasn't a situation of rape. I did not explain myself well, so I can understand the jump seemed extreme and unwarranted. However, my intentions were benign and meant to both allude to Bard's ex as way off course in her actions as well as express understanding that there are instances, though rare, where it would be understandable for someone to react in such a way. I could just as easily have chosen murder as an understandable reason for someone destroying property. As I said, instances for that are rarely excusable. It's like that song by a country female vocalist who slashes her boyfriend's car because he cheats on her. I don't think that's appropriate. But, many would say an eye for an eye. To each their own.

Bard, I apologize if my response brought you into that negative light. It was not my desire to do so.

[Toughy]

There were matriarchal societies.....read books written by women and not men to find out about them. I have an entire bookshelf full of books about that subject dating back to the 70's.

I do not have any rules about when I have sex with someone. It happens when it happens. I probably would not ever date anyone who said 'no sex for 3 months'. I don't have time to wait 3 months for you to make up your mind whether you like me or want to have sex with me. I know the minute I lay eyes on you if I want to have sex with you and generally it takes about 3 hours or less of conversation to figure out if I like you. Life is short and getting shorter all the time (for me). When the mood strikes sex should happen.

I actually do not care at all about testing for STDs because I practice safer sex. I have had sex with folks with HIV and Hep C.....safer sex. I do not have either of them. If I ever decide to be fluid bonded with someone, then we will have that conversation, knowing it will take at least 6 more months of safer sex and testing before that bonding occurs.

There is a body fluid I will exchange and happily with anyone I am having sex with........that would be spit.......I love kissing and you cannot do it properly without some spit swapping......laughin..........

[kittygrrl]

Yes..I love kissing also and while I've always thought it was fairly safe, I've read lately the HPV virus may be possible with even this activity. Also while we are talking safety I hope all who have access do take the HPV vaccine that is available. It won't protect you from all the mutations of the HPV but it does give some protection. Talk about scarey HPV has some very sobering stats..please excuse the digression..

[meridiantoo]

I'm bowing out of this thread....

Thank you to everyone for your input and insight.

[Hollylane]

I am going to bounce of your post Holly because I feel it's important and it isn't being talked about.


*I* personally if I was in a long distance relationship would not consent to my girl/boy keeping "my" cock.

For *ME* (notice I am talking about me, not anyone else but me) I would not be comfortable with my fuck buddy. partner.submissive.plaything.hook up. if they asked me to leave my cock or toys there. I would wonder why? I would be like um no, I would look at them and wonder why they had the need to keep something that is mine there. (this is different than toothbrushes, t-shirts or any other item that some folks need to be connected).


The reason I bring this up is because I'd like to keep this conversation *real* if I wanted to fuck, there is nothing that is going to stop me. Me leaving my cock at X's house isn't going to stop me from fucking if the urge rises up. Just because I left my cock at O's house is not going to deter me from sexy time. I can:

A. purchase another one

B. use my hands, mouth, or a banana if I want

C. I can use who I am with cock or toys

D. I may have other cocks at home to use


I don't know if for some people the "buy new stuf for me" is a security issue, a value issue, a trust issue, or they just really want a new cock stuff.


It's really a shame we can not have a conversation about the preferences of cock without having to shame those who do partake in one night stands, weekend fucky fucky time, went to Little Rock and got me some time, or any other kind of consentual adult relationship. We're adults as Toughy pointed out if you are going to replace all the toys I hope that these talks are being had BEFORE the actual fucky fucky, if not then I hope you plan a trip to the cock store so everyone is happy. I also hope that while people are getting to know one another the first thing one should be asking is are they tested because nothing ruins a good time like disease or two.


The myth that people who happen to like to fuck without having to be in a monogamous relationship are classless, disrespectful, dirty, dangerous needs to stop. I assure you I am disease free, OCD clean, am never without gloves, condom, damn, saran wrap, I am so sure of this I can put a money bet that my doctors bag is a safe sex haven compared to most people's idea or drawer of safe sex.

Just to be clear (not because I think that you are saying something different about my post, but so that there are no misunderstandings or assumptions about Gaige and I)...The post I made earlier, was purely in joyful fun...Gaige and I enjoy the playfulness in our relationship, both bold playfulness, and vague sexual innuendos.

There are no worries about who is in possession of one of Gaige's cocks. There is a level of trust between us that is amazing, and that we both love and value very much. One of the cocks was left here purely for convenience. We are just fine with Gaige's cocks being at both ends of the country, or all in the same place, just as long as one, or all of them, are where we are, when it is time to engage in some "sexy time" in the same zip code.

Incidentally, she also left behind for her convenience; pj's, a sweater, toiletries, and instant coffee (I may have asked her to leave the coffee behind, because I was worried she might enjoy her "coffee time" with someone else...J/k...lol).

Frankly, until we decide the time is right to make a responsible move into our own home, my home is her home, and her home is mine. So, leaving things behind, is sometimes just easier than paying extra baggage fees each time, or worrying about who's been stirring the contents of your luggage around in the airport.

In relationships, Gaige and I both want/are monogamous type people. However, we do not think that what other people want or do, is wrong, dirty, shameful, disrespectful, etc...Live and let live.

[Hollylane]

I don't understand how being a feminist = hating men..


Originally Posted by Bard
I know when I broke up with my ex( Gooses mother) she um went into the spare bedroom where I was staying and found my harness and a new cock that I had purchased before we even broke up she cut them both up and left it on my bed.
------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by meridian

I'm sure there are valid reasons for doing this, but not many. Yowsie.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

meridian, there is no validity for taking someone's personal property and ruining it NONE.. That kind of shit is gross and there are some deep issues going on there.

I am pretty sure we can safely say that by her cutting up the equipment did NOT stop Bard from seeking another relationship/s...

Destroying property isn't cool, justifiable or ok no matter what, if you're (general) cray cray is showing that bad and you (general) are starting to get that creeping thought of destroying stuff that belongs to a lover, ex, or ANYONE perhaps a trip to the therapist is due...

WOW!! I can't believe I read what I read just now!!!

I agree. I tend to become very concerned about someone's state of mind when they start to feel the need to destroy property in a symbolic way. To me, the idea of needing to destroy something and then present it to that person, feels violent, and controlling. Yuck.

[Sun]

I am new and did not realize another thread had already addressed this topic. I do think it being in both forums is a good idea, though (both femme and butch). I feel more comfortable speaking my mind in the femme forums, perhaps because I am new. I may not be the only femme who feels that way.

Now about that banana ice cream :balloon:

I truly hope that my comment did not offend you in any way, I am sorry, of course you are new here. Last night I was a exhausted and somewhat impatient with similar points being made repeatedly but it has nothing to do with you. That is on me.

Banana ice cream..lol..food conversations follow me everywhere..I swear. *smirk*

[meridiantoo]

I truly hope that my comment did not offend you in any way, I am sorry, of course you are new here. Last night I was a exhausted and somewhat impatient with similar points being made repeatedly but it has nothing to do with you. That is on me.

Banana ice cream..lol..food conversations follow me everywhere..I swear. *smirk*

No, no offense taken. I just wanted to respond...no worries.

:chef:

[Anomaly]

When my first serious girlfriend and I broke up, we were both really poor, and we had this $150 strap-on that we both used. While we were arguing about who would keep it, because obviously we'd never use it on anyone else anyways (yeah right) she stole it and kept it. Now, I don't even remember the last time I strapped on, it was so long ago. I don't even like doing that any more, but I'm still mad at that Lorenna Bobbit move. I don't know why "Helium Heels" thought she had any right to it in the first place, but her and her new girlfriend used it, and that made me crazy at the time. I guess because we had to save up and go in together on it. It was something I worked a lot of minimum wage hours to obtain, and the idea that this new girl was now enjoying it... Oof, that was pretty rough.
My most long term relationship was with a girl who was really casually FTM, like, she wouldn't mind these pronouns I'm using, never changed her girl name, never made a big deal of it, just threw on a binder and went to work, and when we met, she already had all her parts. They were hers like mine are mine, and it didn't feel like my business to tell her to throw her parts away and get new ones just for me. And when we broke up, she didn't leave any parts behind.
And more recently, I dated a girl off and on for about a year. Her ex had kept her stuff, so she was unprepared, and I ended up buying her a rig, nothing too fancy but perfect for what I wanted. Now we're not seeing each other, and I still have the stuff I bought. She asked me once not to let anyone else use hers on me, not ever. I don't know why I still have it. I guess because I kinda don't care what she wants at this point, and that thing is nice and exactly what I want, and if I throw it away, I won't have anything in the case that I start seeing another unprepared butch or if I ever feel top-ish. I kept it because I thought I'd probably sleep with her again, but that has become a really bad idea that's never going to happen, so now I'm wondering the same thing, if it can be used again or if I should just toss it. I don't want to be rude.

[Daktari]

When my first serious girlfriend and I broke up, we were both really poor, and we had this $150 strap-on that we both used. While we were arguing about who would keep it, because obviously we'd never use it on anyone else anyways (yeah right) she stole it and kept it. Now, I don't even remember the last time I strapped on, it was so long ago. I don't even like doing that any more, but I'm still mad at that Lorenna Bobbit move. I don't know why "Helium Heels" thought she had any right to it in the first place, but her and her new girlfriend used it, and that made me crazy at the time. I guess because we had to save up and go in together on it. It was something I worked a lot of minimum wage hours to obtain, and the idea that this new girl was now enjoying it... Oof, that was pretty rough.
My most long term relationship was with a girl who was really casually FTM, like, she wouldn't mind these pronouns I'm using, never changed her girl name, never made a big deal of it, just threw on a binder and went to work, and when we met, she already had all her parts. They were hers like mine are mine, and it didn't feel like my business to tell her to throw her parts away and get new ones just for me. And when we broke up, she didn't leave any parts behind.
And more recently, I dated a girl off and on for about a year. Her ex had kept her stuff, so she was unprepared, and I ended up buying her a rig, nothing too fancy but perfect for what I wanted. Now we're not seeing each other, and I still have the stuff I bought. She asked me once not to let anyone else use hers on me, not ever. I don't know why I still have it. I guess because I kinda don't care what she wants at this point, and that thing is nice and exactly what I want, and if I throw it away, I won't have anything in the case that I start seeing another unprepared butch or if I ever feel top-ish. I kept it because I thought I'd probably sleep with her again, but that has become a really bad idea that's never going to happen, so now I'm wondering the same thing, if it can be used again or if I should just toss it. I don't want to be rude.

Your dollars, a 'rig' that you like; you get to keep it and choose who gets to use it. Simples.

[Boots13]

OK, since when are we owned by our cocks rather than the reverse?

My cock has no power or sway, unless I forfeit that to history. If my lover or I default to past memories staking claims on my cock or allow history to inhibit my/our performance then what exactly is it that’s so intricately attached to history? Why is the past MORE attached to my cock than how I am received by the woman I am with, TODAY ?

How can said cock wield disrespectful energy , devisive power, or passionate memories over me or her…how is it that it has the potential to create such conflict when beckoned for love, sex, play? Granted, history is significant, its the road we all took to get here, but is it more significant than the present, today, the fact that we're alive, breathing, wanting, needing, feeling ?

I identify with what is comfortable, what is received well, how she feels, and how I can drive her…with my butch cock…not my butch cock with history. My butch cock does not drive a barrier between us, unless one of us forfeits our power, our choice and our state of being.

Conversely, I have no qualms over using something that is comfortable and familiar to my lover…although I might stumble until I get the swing of it (nuk-nuk) , bring it…We’ll stumble together, hopefully laugh, enjoy the practice and then we’ll fuck like theres no tomorrow.

My point is, why are we giving cocks the power to respect or disrespect, the sway to hold past memories, the inability to release the past, or the mental torment of past action when it is not the thing that demonstrates those feelings and emotions, but rather the person wielding/receiving it. ???

Still trying to wrap my brains around this…please be kind in your response…because after reading every post and trying to identify with contrary opinions to my own really, I still don’t get it…new or used, tried and true or just ripped from the package (lol) isn’t it about honoring the present, about being in the moment with the one you’re with?

[~ocean]

ok wow boots u just said a lot ~~ in my own personal opinion ~ now I am the type of woman who never has and wont have casual sex ~ just not my thing ~ so speaking from an emotional aspect I was honored that hy bought new to be with me ~ if it is just casual sex then I can totally understand your reasoning ~ there is something very special about being new or experiencing something new w. the person you are in love with ~ I don't know the mind set of casual sex ,so I can't honestly comment . like I said this is MY own personal view . ~

[Boots13]

Hey Ocean - I absolutely respect your feelings and thank you for your response. I dont have casual sex. There is much emotion in what I do or who I'm with for whatever length of time we are together. So for me I dont feel casual about my interaction.

But I'm reading that not buying a new harness, cock would make your interaction feel casual or less than?

I absolutely dont want to get into a donneybrooke over this...but this is what I cant wrap my head around :seeingstars:

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'm going to be honest reading people use the words "honor", "respect", and any other adjetive used to describe cock intent I tend to mentally shut off.. I have a hard time wrapping My mind around the continuos insinuation that just because some folks aren't buying new With each fuck or because some folks sex isn' attached to love that those same romanticized adjectives aren't ingrained in the same fashion..

Cocks don't come with ethics, such things are not included in their packaging. Honor, respect, dignity, transparency and so on come attached to those wielding the cock...

Food for thought...

[The_Lady_Snow]

In a not so parallel universe, people who are exercising their sexual desires are being assigned this similar type of wording to their characters. An example is women who are sexually empowered. Their choice to fuck because it's their body and choice are basically given the same adjectives that are being used on the non new cock folks.. That's what is grating my nerve.. It's the assigned ick factor, the shaming, value and the hierarchy. I honestly think this form of ingrained sexism bleeds into queer relationships .


I'm hoping it makes sense cause I had a hard time wording what kept me going "say what??"

[CherylNYC]

...

Cocks don't come with ethics, such things are not included in their packaging. Honor, respect, dignity, transparency and so on come attached to those wielding the cock...

...

These two sentences are the perfect summation of my feelings on this subject. Brava!

[princessbelle]

I've never given this thought.

I have never asked "Hey, have you used that puppy with someone else before?"

That just blows my mind (tongue-in-cheek on that line)

I mean...IMO the cock is part of her/hym/him. Just like the nose, for example. Not an extension to be disposed of after a breakup. How callus, to me, that thought is.

I don't know bout ya'll, but i don't have a disposable vagaga. I don't have surgery to remove it and then surgery to get a new one, that's bright and shiny, when i change partners.

My personal private parts belong to me and me only. If i change partners, they stay mine. I see it the same way with cocks. No different. They are both real and are both part of who we are.

It is up to each person to decide when and if we should interchange pieces to ourselves. I would just never even think of a "new one". What is the point? Getting a facelift/boob job/cock replacement....these all under the same heading to me. Do what you want, it's your body.


That's my big ole idea anyway.

[imperfect_cupcake]

this arguement always goes this way.

that said, me personally:

when someone is shagging the hell out of me, the LAST thing I'm thinking about is "hmn, I wonder who they shagged with this before me... I wonderrrrr... hmmmnnnnnn"

what I am thinking is more along the lines of YES OH MY GOD DONT STOP

if I can actually focus on who they shagged before? Chances are the sex isn't that great or I'm not feeling to great.

If' I'm shagging someone with a toy, it's never with thoughts of "oooo yeah and then when I used this on so and so, boy they sure had the best vagina EVER"

wtf? no. I'm thinking of the clit/cock in front of me and having a party in my skull about how much fun I'm having RIGHT NOW.

So I honestly can't wrap my head around new toy every time.

that said, I'm a tart. Sooooo... sex toys do not get attached to any one single person in my head. ever. they are physical tubes that other people can slide their cocks into and shag me with if they haven't brought their own.

My bed is MY bed. And has seen many guests over the years. No one's memory is attached to it.

anyone hear about that story about the two monks and one carrys a woman across the river and drops her at the other side and they keep walkin' and the one monk says to the other, a bit of a way down the road "why did you carry her?? you shouldn't have touched her!" and the other monk says "I left her at the river, you are still carrying her"...? yeah. that.

Oh and when my wife fucked someone else and had an affair, lying behind my back? You bet I took her cock and chopped it into 7 peices. she didn't respect me OR our marriage so fuck showing a piece of non-feeling rubber respect. When she saw it she did get rather fucked off but did say "ok, fair enough. but honestly barb, how utterly lesbian of you."

which made me laugh.

[Femminator]

My wife is pretty attached to her cock. I would never expect her to toss out a part of herself, an expression of her sexuality, if she used it with another lover. I was non-monogamous before I met her, and my lovers and I would always use safer sex so I never really thought about it much until this thread.

Not only that, the biomales I have had as lovers never went out and got a new penis for me, we made due with the one they had.

[Cid]

I haven't been with a lot of different partners so maybe that's why I think differently, but I did have a problem with one partner that I had. She hated hearing about my ex in any way, shape or form. I couldn't talk about places that I had been to, concerts that I enjoyed or things that I did in the past if they included my ex.
However, it was ok for her to keep the part of her that involved her ex and their sex life. I didn't get how that was ok. To me, it wasn't.

Here's what I'd like to know. If a femme had her own cock (seriously, I hate that word, but it seems to be the most popular) would her butch partner wear it knowing someone else had worn it before?

I'm guessing not. And the butch that wore it before didn't even have it inserted into their body.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Here's what I'd like to know. If a femme had her own cock (seriously, I hate that word, but it seems to be the most popular) would her butch partner wear it knowing someone else had worn it before?

.



I'm a fan of bringing my own toys to the proverbial fucking table... I don't see why there would be an issue.

[s0litude]

For me, absolutely! I can understand, being FTM myself, the attachment to a specific toy as being a "part" of you, but I also feel that associations and memories with a previous item would override any personal attachment to my cock that I might have developed over time. After all, you cannot get on with your future if you cannot get through your past.

Quite frankly, I just view it as a matter of respect for her and for what is developing between her and I that the new item is solely FOR HER, FOR US.

Plus, shopping for those new items can make for very interesting foreplay. ;)

[s0litude]

Here's what I'd like to know. If a femme had her own cock (seriously, I hate that word, but it seems to be the most popular) would her butch partner wear it knowing someone else had worn it before?


While I'd be okay with her speaking about her ex-- hell, that's part of your past, part of who you are and how you've been shaped over time,-- I wouldn't use someone else's cock. It's not a matter of where it's been or who's worn it, etc. It's not MINE-- mentally though, it would be like inviting someone else to the party if it weren't just hers and mine together. I think it boils down to how you personally view relationships.

[pinkgeek]

If a femme had her own cock (seriously, I hate that word, but it seems to be the most popular) would her butch partner wear it knowing someone else had worn it before?

Why do you hate that word..........

[TheMerryFairy]

Here's what I'd like to know. If a femme had her own cock (seriously, I hate that word, but it seems to be the most popular) would her butch partner wear it knowing someone else had worn it before?.

I would probably be the one wearing it, but that is just me. They can choose to but I wouldn't expect someone else to.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I haven't been with a lot of different partners so maybe that's why I think differently, but I did have a problem with one partner that I had. She hated hearing about my ex in any way, shape or form. I couldn't talk about places that I had been to, concerts that I enjoyed or things that I did in the past if they included my ex.
However, it was ok for her to keep the part of her that involved her ex and their sex life. I didn't get how that was ok. To me, it wasn't.

Here's what I'd like to know. If a femme had her own cock (seriously, I hate that word, but it seems to be the most popular) would her butch partner wear it knowing someone else had worn it before?

I'm guessing not. And the butch that wore it before didn't even have it inserted into their body.

Well I'm not a butch and I do have dicks that other people wear. they can wear their own, or they can wear mine (I'm a size queen. I love them very fat and lots of butches bring the medium sized one one the first date/day of play - also many of my partners haven't used a strap on before, so my harness and dicks are the ones they first use).

I've had two of the ones in my collection of a modest five for almost 10 years. they are in very good condition, I take very good care of them and they are high quality and very expensive. I have slept with about 15 or so butches/MoC women in the last 10 years. None, not one of those, objected to using them, nor did they ask or think about who had used them before. I don't think that's what they were thinking about when passions were running high and the toys were brought out.

My wife used them and they had been worn by several people before and after her. She never asked or wondered who had used them in the whole time we were together.

When she brought her dick to the relationship, she had bought it in her last long term r'ship. No, I did not consider what she had done with M with the dick. I just don't care.

But I've had many partners and I also actually love hearing about their past r'ships. I actually truly do. Especially the positive stuff. Stories about travel and adventure and hilarious sex accidents I like a lot. exes do not threaten me. I know what it is like to have loved and lost and miss people but not want them back. I like sharing that human aspect of experience. I like hearing how much someone loved someone else because it shows they have the same capacity for me.

I may be a bitch, I may not be politically correct/sensative, I take the piss and tease people, mock in a friendly way, be a smartass/sarcastic for affection, I may speak very bluntly and not give a flying fuck about other people's feelings around what I have to say - how they feel is their issue - but I do love stories of love and adventure. especially if they inspire pathos and love or a great venting rant that makes me laugh.

I will not walk on eggshells when it comes to these things. If people are not comfortable with me talking about my exes then I have nothing to talk about. I have spent the majority of my life in the company of those I have loved and I like telling the stories and hearing them.

The sex toys (bondage gear, cocks, harness, flogger, crop, pinwheel, vibrators, rubber opera gloves, portable sling) would cost a small fortune to replace and since I sleep around when I'm single with friends that I like, it's not appropriate for butches to get diva-rific about this. they use mine or bring their own. I don't care who they've used it on. I hope it was fun.

I'm here now and I have a hard time believing they'd be thinking about anything else but my snatch when it's in front of them, to be perfectly honest.

[imperfect_cupcake]

While I'd be okay with her speaking about her ex-- hell, that's part of your past, part of who you are and how you've been shaped over time,-- I wouldn't use someone else's cock. It's not a matter of where it's been or who's worn it, etc. It's not MINE-- mentally though, it would be like inviting someone else to the party if it weren't just hers and mine together. I think it boils down to how you personally view relationships.

I think it boils down to what you attach to things. I care about the people I've been with. However, I don't really associate them with the item why are wearing. perhaps it's just the way I have grown up with sex.

If someone was with someone for 15 years and they bought a dick together and that's the only toy they had and the person feels uncomfortable using it with someone else? ok. fine. go out and buy yourself another cock. come back with one that's yours. I'd like it if it was on the massive fat size, but you know, buy more than one if you want, it's your collection, you are paying for it.

During the separation, I took all the sex toys. most of them were mine to start with anyway and I figured since she got a brand new sex toy, ten years younger than me, she had no right to bitch. And pointed this out. She raised her eyebrows and nodded and said "fair enough."

I've been with a few people since. No one has cared. They've just been happy to be there. As have I. So...

But yeah, if one is serially monogamous and goes from 4 year relationship to 4 year relationship, then I guess they just may see things differently. And hey if that's how people swing it, good for them. And they wouldn't be interested in getting muddy with a tart like me in the first place. so, no issue. :)

[Daktari]

:awww: :bouquet:

[The_Lady_Snow]

I think it boils down to what you attach to things. I care about the people I've been with. However, I don't really associate them with the item why are wearing. perhaps it's just the way I have grown up with sex.

If someone was with someone for 15 years and they bought a dick together and that's the only toy they had and the person feels uncomfortable using it with someone else? ok. fine. go out and buy yourself another cock. come back with one that's yours. I'd like it if it was on the massive fat size, but you know, buy more than one if you want, it's your collection, you are paying for it.

During the separation, I took all the sex toys. most of them were mine to start with anyway and I figured since she got a brand new sex toy, ten years younger than me, she had no right to bitch. And pointed this out. She raised her eyebrows and nodded and said "fair enough."

I've been with a few people since. No one has cared. They've just been happy to be there. As have I. So...

But yeah, if one is serially monogamous and goes from 4 year relationship to 4 year relationship, then I guess they just may see things differently. And hey if that's how people swing it, good for them. And they wouldn't be interested in getting muddy with a tart like me in the first place. so, no issue. :)


WOOF!!!

:paw:

[s0litude]

I think it boils down to what you attach to things. I care about the people I've been with. However, I don't really associate them with the item why are wearing. perhaps it's just the way I have grown up with sex.

If someone was with someone for 15 years and they bought a dick together and that's the only toy they had and the person feels uncomfortable using it with someone else? ok. fine. go out and buy yourself another cock. come back with one that's yours. I'd like it if it was on the massive fat size, but you know, buy more than one if you want, it's your collection, you are paying for it.

During the separation, I took all the sex toys. most of them were mine to start with anyway and I figured since she got a brand new sex toy, ten years younger than me, she had no right to bitch. And pointed this out. She raised her eyebrows and nodded and said "fair enough."

I've been with a few people since. No one has cared. They've just been happy to be there. As have I. So...

But yeah, if one is serially monogamous and goes from 4 year relationship to 4 year relationship, then I guess they just may see things differently. And hey if that's how people swing it, good for them. And they wouldn't be interested in getting muddy with a tart like me in the first place. so, no issue. :)


It's a matter of each person's comfort-- whether it's two people or ten having sex. I wouldn't be comfortable without my own. I wouldn't be comfortable using one that I'd used with another partner. That is what makes me comfortable. If I had a different view and had been using a cock that I was particularly fond of it and she had an issue with it having been used on someone else, then I'd get another, offer to wear a condom, etc., because I'd want her to be comfortable too.

After all, NO ONE is going to enjoy the experience if there's something your brain's focused on rather than the one you're having sex with.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I wouldn't be comfortable using one that I'd used with another partner.

like I said, I understand that however I think for those of us that have a LOT of various partners, a) the cost would be exponentially prohibitive (!!!!!!) and b) have kinda learned through a lot of active use not to associate individual people with individual cocks/vibes/cuffs/feather dusters.

I'm not saying one is better than the other - but one IS more practical when one sleeps with 8 people a year, hey?

I've slept with 10 in the last 18 months. I don't have the cash to be uncomfortable with it! That would have cost me... 3,000 dollars??? *just* in dildos. not counting all the other vibes, plugs and bondage items!

that's kind of what I'm saying. Of course it's up to the two people involved, but it's WAY less likely to bother those of us that sleep with multiple people.

and jeeze of course a condom is involved!!! :O !!!
if it's not silicone and I can't use virilex (medical spray that kills viruses and bacteria) on it, it's gotta have a condom on it!!

So I do think numbers actually make a difference in perception of this kind of thing.

[puddin']

i always wanted to be thought o' as a muddy tart.

jus' sayin'...

[puddin']

yet i might segue into another muddy story...

[Loren_Q]

Here's what I'd like to know. If a femme had her own cock (seriously, I hate that word, but it seems to be the most popular) would her butch partner wear it knowing someone else had worn it before?



I would have no problem using whatever was brought along... err as long as it was clean.

Like some here I don't ascribe anything to the item; it's just a tool, a means to an end. It facilitates a connection, but it's not me.

If I started dating someone who said they weren't comfortable or wouldn't want me to use what I already had, I'd request they buy what they want me to use.

I have bought sex toys with lovers/partners, but I couldn't tell you what thing was bought with whom.

[Daktari]

...and still that value judgement of 'respect' is being correlated with buying new lumps of silicone for each sexual partner.

What is it about buying new that makes it respectful?
I assume ya'll buy new mattresses and new bedding for each new partner too right?

[The_Lady_Snow]

...and still that value judgement of 'respect' is being correlated with buying new lumps of silicone for each sexual partner.

What is it about buying new that makes it respectful?
I assume ya'll buy new mattresses and new bedding for each new partner too right?



I've been thinking about why, why are we placing value on an item that we are purchasing to fuck with.


I feel and am guessing that this kind of mentality is engrained sexism, puritan like thinking attached to our attachments.

We don't get new breasts, new mouths, new vaginas, new houses, new towns when we begin to get intimate or have casual sex. There's an almost pushed upon thought of virtue placed upon the cock as if it's some kind of holy grail that is going to enter our bodies and that it should be pure and virginal just like the person who is gettting entered.

We all know it's not true, each time we are penetrated by a lover it's a new experience, new feeling it's not the cock that is invading our space it's a person be they spreading our legs wide open, throwing them over their shoulder or coming at you from behind. It's a person orchestrating each and every thrust, that's what we should be concentrating on.

The person who is thrusting a cock in you (general you) is the one who should have all the *values*, *ethics*, *morals* etc etc. If those things are a must to fuck then evaluate that before a piece of silicone that can be so easily replaced.

People not so much. I wonder if this thinking is talked about here more online because the dating pool is so small and if this is where you date then the 6 degrees of seperation could be a mind altering situation when one begins to think about fucking.

The constant reminder is visually there, be it the ex, posts, songs etc. Maybe that's why.

I don't run into this particular conversation outside of this forum.. Just a thought.

[Daktari]

I've been thinking about why, why are we placing value on an item that we are purchasing to fuck with.


I feel and am guessing that this kind of mentality is engrained sexism, puritan like thinking attached to our attachments.

We don't get new breasts, new mouths, new vaginas, new houses, new towns when we begin to get intimate or have casual sex. There's an almost pushed upon thought of virtue placed upon the cock as if it's some kind of holy grail that is going to enter our bodies and that it should be pure and virginal just like the person who is gettting entered.

We all know it's not true, each time we are penetrated by a lover it's a new experience, new feeling it's not the cock that is invading our space it's a person be they spreading our legs wide open, throwing them over their shoulder or coming at you from behind. It's a person orchestrating each and every thrust, that's what we should be concentrating on.

The person who is thrusting a cock in you (general you) is the one who should have all the *values*, *ethics*, *morals* etc etc. If those things are a must to fuck then evaluate that before a piece of silicone that can be so easily replaced.

People not so much. I wonder if this thinking is talked about here more online because the dating pool is so small and if this is where you date then the 6 degrees of seperation could be a mind altering situation when one begins to think about fucking.

The constant reminder is visually there, be it the ex, posts, songs etc. Maybe that's why.

I don't run into this particular conversation outside of this forum.. Just a thought.

It's not a conversation I've ever come across outside this internet forum either Snowy.

Not once have I come across a woman in my life who insisted I bought new silicone for her either. Far from it. Not one has even implied it. Whilst I did a lot of oat sowing along the way, like many of us, I found being uber open and honest about sex along with all the lovely stuffs around it, seems to engender trust and a level of respect from those women I personally seem to come across. Am I unusual in this? I doubt it.

The first lump of silicone I strapped most days, was given to me by a femme friend who had bought it because it was her 'ideal' cock to be used with her. Well, yasee, this was the first toob of bendy silicone fun that I actually 'bonded' with and I felt wanted to be considered a part of me. It was a new experience. Up to that point all my 'cocks' were actually just black silicone, non-realistic, dildos. All of which I still own. Can't have too many in the collection eh! It was this femme who eventually introduced Ex.Mrs.D and me. :cheesy:

'My Cock', the inanimate lump of silicone, then became instilled with my values and moral code because I chose to ascribe it such. I consider that lump of pinkish silicone (A different one than the original) to be part of my body, despite it's detachability. This includes the other detachable softy lump of silicone that gets attached in the morning. Just like putting on specs each day really. Or being able to take out a plate of teeth. :|

I know I'm just rehashing what many of us say about our lump of silicone being part of us. I guess what I want to so is...because I'm a respectful sorta person, so is my willy.

I'm enjoying thinking around the subject and hearing everyone's point of view, even when I don't agree with that pov.

[imperfect_cupcake]

you ain't kiddin. I've got a date from Seattle coming up for a few days (which is lovely. Everyone always expects me to come to them. Er... intensified school program?? I can't go *anywhere* for the next year and a half except between terms! I haven't even seen my own mom in a month and she only lives an hour from me!) and her best mate knows my soon to be ex wife. One of my exes in London that I lived with wound up being a close friend of an ex-fling of mine in san fran... jeeeeezzzzusss. Seven lesbians in the world and the rest is done with mirrors
The globe be TINY.

I did write something earlier about concepts of purity.

And my guess is that straight girls would LOVE to tell men to change their cocks from their last gf.

But we did fight for a very long time to have the right NOT to be a virgin before marriage, to not have that "purity" be "spoiled"... no penis can so unalterably change our vagina that we can never become proper lesbians, nor make it impossible to have new and wonderful sex with someone else, after someone else has been there.

That said, I do get a large percentage of my long term partners making cracks about how many people I've slept with. Most of the time, I'll admit it's funny. But when it's mixed in with insecurity about how they compare, it gets kinda deadly. And they start getting mean. And asking a lot of questions about how they compare.
Imagine of someone, right after having sex said "is my ass fat?"
"no."
"no really, is my ass fat"
"no."
"it's ok, if my ass is fat, cause it's ok to tell me."
"your ass is not fat"
"I mean I'd totally understand if you thought it was."
"it's not"
"If my ass was fat would you tell me?"
"jesus wept, would you shut the fuck up?"

after every time you had sex? it would drive you nuts, right? Same goes with the insecurity around sex. And people get very insecure about it. And take that out on other people/inanimate objects.

It honestly doesn't occur to me that other people are thinking about their exes when screwing me. I don't. so why would they. I am, however, reminded that people project a hell of a lot. And that when people fear judgement from others, it's USUALLY because they are doing a lot of judging themselves.

So I know that if someone is worried about me associating ___ with my ex (or one of the unwashed many before hahaha) then more than likely, they are actually thinking about their own. Or have been with others. Or when they wank. That's a big cluedo for me.

I've done it, right after a break up. When still reeling and trying to get my bearings and trying to get my self back. It happens. But it had nothing to do with who's willy they wore, in fact the last person that happened with, it was in their bed, with their toys, in a different city. I was just unable to comprehend it wasn't my wife, quite suddenly. And the poor sod, I started crying.

but she distracted me with a story,calmed me down, then got back on the horse (so to speak) and the second attempt, the eagle landed. So knew what I was upset about. She also had enough empathy to understand how hard it was for me, her being the first person after my wife left.

She was not jealous. She did not mind I struggled but really wanted to be there. My desire for her was enough.

it didn't matter who's cock it was. And personally I think if they other person fears an ex present on some genitals, that ex is in the room already, watching.

but I suppose concepts of purity also has something to do with it. Lots of men don't want "sloppy seconds" from a girl who has just broken with her boyfriend. Hetero gals I know would love to change his dick cause they want a pure cock that is their alone.

So it's also concepts of ownership. People don't want to own some used genitals. They want fresh, pure ones that are fresh from the store and theirs alone.

so, yeah, ownership. This dick is "ours".

Vs this dick is "Mine."

concepts such as that. my pussy is mine. anything anyone brings to the table is theirs. I don't want to own it. I mean, if we are monogamous then I would be very happy if they didn't put their hands, face, clit, dick in anyone else's vagina, but I certainly don't own them. I don't own their detachables either. If they are bought during the relationship, I'll probably take it haha ;)

I did, however get really fucked off at the thought of my wife fucking around on me with that dick. so I made sure that particular item was not ever able to be inserted anywhere ever again. So, I can succumb to ownership myself, at highly emotional and stressful times.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It's not a conversation I've ever come across outside this internet forum either Snowy.

Not once have I come across a woman in my life who insisted I bought new silicone for her either. Far from it. Not one has even implied it. Whilst I did a lot of oat sowing along the way, like many of us, I found being uber open and honest about sex along with all the lovely stuffs around it, seems to engender trust and a level of respect from those women I personally seem to come across. Am I unusual in this? I doubt it.

The first lump of silicone I strapped most days, was given to me by a femme friend who had bought it because it was her 'ideal' cock to be used with her. Well, yasee, this was the first toob of bendy silicone fun that I actually 'bonded' with and I felt wanted to be considered a part of me. It was a new experience. Up to that point all my 'cocks' were actually just black silicone, non-realistic, dildos. All of which I still own. Can't have too many in the collection eh! It was this femme who eventually introduced Ex.Mrs.D and me. :cheesy:

'My Cock', the inanimate lump of silicone, then became instilled with my values and moral code because I chose to ascribe it such. I consider that lump of pinkish silicone (A different one than the original) to be part of my body, despite it's detachability. This includes the other detachable softy lump of silicone that gets attached in the morning. Just like putting on specs each day really. Or being able to take out a plate of teeth. :|

I know I'm just rehashing what many of us say about our lump of silicone being part of us. I guess what I want to so is...because I'm a respectful sorta person, so is my willy.

I'm enjoying thinking around the subject and hearing everyone's point of view, even when I don't agree with that pov.

no. I never ran cross it. I only ever saw it on forums. Never with people I was ever with. not once. But like I said, me and the kind of people that do long term serial monogamy don't seem to cross paths in the bedroom much.

Ok, that's a lie. but it's on such a casual basis that they just don't ask who else I'm screwing - they know I am - and it's their decision to be there. And either they bring their own or they haven't got one and mine is fine.

[pinkgeek]

........And they wouldn't be interested in getting muddy with a tart like me in the first place. so, no issue. :)

.......and now I think I have a crush on you and this sentence.... when I grow up I want someone to call me a muddy tart!!

[pinkgeek]

It's not a conversation I've ever come across outside this internet forum either Snowy..

Oh let us call a spade a shovel and put on our asbestos panties....apparently my filter is at the repair shop today..or perhaps closer to the truth is I've finally been offended by an internet conversation..

In a public person to person forum the likelihood a room of queers is going to tolerate slut shaming and the other unsaid crap from this thread is close to zero, in fact I'd bet on it being zero. The blatant moral attachments to having a new willy for reasons other than "It's Monday I feel like cock shopping!" would go down like a lead balloon.

People who are ashamed of sex (read: potentially even suffer from internalized homophobia) are not talking in a public person to person forum, they are at home on the internet. They aren't at a queer conference discussing or celebrating sex and gender.

The internet provides a lovely veil for those who have issues around sex to climb on a ladder and wave their cocky morals for applause.. Get on with your bad self, but my queer, fat, sex positive, loud mouth self is prepared to go tit to tit or cock to cock about why I disagree with placing moral value on an object or that you are somehow a more virtuous human than I.

So here's to being a slut. To having fun, enjoying sex, and not being ashamed that my cock or your cock has had action. Dirty, filthy, steamy, lewd, lascivious, brutal, sweet, muddy, strutting, amazing fucking action. :praying:

[imperfect_cupcake]

oh I dunno, I'm waving a bit of cocky morals myself, probably.

I don't think all of it is about slut shaming, though I think it probably has a slice of the pie.

I am more thinking it's about ownership. "our" cock (as a couple) rather than "my" or "their" cock as an individual.

[DapperButch]

oh I dunno, I'm waving a bit of cocky morals myself, probably.

I don't think all of it is about slut shaming, though I think it probably has a slice of the pie.

I am more thinking it's about ownership. "our" cock (as a couple) rather than "my" or "their" cock as an individual.

I agree with this.

[Chancie]

Once an ex asked what I was cooking for dinner for a new beau, and

After I described it, she said,

You never cooked like that for me.

:Idownloadedanewrecipe:

[Daktari]

oh I dunno, I'm waving a bit of cocky morals myself, probably.

I don't think all of it is about slut shaming, though I think it probably has a slice of the pie.

I am more thinking it's about ownership. "our" cock (as a couple) rather than "my" or "their" cock as an individual.

My willy is mine. Not ours. Definitely not yours generic yours. How very dare you! generic you.:hamactor:


I'm so stoked that the fantastic, schexy, sluts, whores, gigolos and muddy tarts I know in real life and here are nigh on impossible to shame :grindevil:

[imperfect_cupcake]

Although this is not specifically about sex toys, it is about conceived ideas about sexuality and multiple partners... and I think this plays into all kinds of assumptions...
I'm dating right now, and the comments I am getting from many have been *SPECTACULAR* at times. Needless to say I don't sleep with those people but my jaw has been dropped on a couple of occasions, by... just gobsmacking ideas around sex and numbers.

So there's a book, a quick review of it and how this still applies even to queers, policing each other's sexuality, when cismen aren't around to do it for us. And how it feels to be a femme, dating in the middle of all that judgement when people are unaware that they are even doing it.

I may not cave in to slut-shaming, but you know what? It fucking stings some times. And it does hurt. It means I'm invisible as a person. I'm just a set of dirty big tits stereotype sitting across from you at dinner. Fuck having an individual personality, I'm just someone that screws people indiscriminately. Just last week a gal said to me "well, I'm picky."
Right. And I just touch any ol rag and rub it against my cunt? I have standards too actually, I just don't need them to involve "someone I want to build a relationship with" so I don't need them to be into some of the same stuff I would need to have if I wanted a relationship with them, ffs. But I'll tell you what, my standards are such that frankly I ain't going to be fucking you, that's for sure!

If anyone wants to read it, it's
located right here in this underlined link (or in my signature) (lettersofadventure.tumblr.com/post/47967668500/or-todays-topic-slut-a-femmes-sexual-history)

I think that ideas around these things, especially in our own communities should be challenged. I had a andgorenous lesbian only slightly older than me, who was very eco friendly and into burlesque as an art and all this kind of stuff... when I asked if she wanted femmes why didn't she put it on her dating profile... she said "cause I thought I'd just get shallow, fluffy girls. But I'm not sure why."
My jaw dropped open. I asked what she thought that meant about her assumptions about femininity and highly feminine women and their relative intelligence.

fuck. me. sometimes, y'know?

I'm sure I say just as stupid assumptive shit and I hope to fuck people call me on it...

[CherryBlonde]

New partner = New toys. No discussion. I want us to pick new toys out together. I think it's a bonding experience. Our toys should be "our" toys......

[Amante]

For ME:

New partner (casual or serious relationship) who has a removable cock that is an integral part of his/her identity: No way, that would be like someone saying to me that I needed to get new breasts, and to my definition of things shouldn't even be in the same discussion as "toys." Getting a new cock for a cock-centric butch or transguy is part of who they are and not my business if it's new or not.

New partner in a casual affair that's not likely or uncertain to last: No way, because it would be just too damned expensive and impractical.

New partner in a potentially long-term relationship for whom they are TOYS and not an integral part of his/her identity: Once the relationship got serious, I'd prefer to buy new toys, just like I'd prefer to buy some new sheets, a new dress for a special occasion instead of the one I wore for many previous special occasions with my ex, etc. If I can afford to replace certain things that were an intimate part of previous relationship, even if they're still perfectly functional, then I'm going to! Did I ditch all my old sheets? Oh hell no (though I made sure to keep the best ones!) But do I enjoy knowing that the sheets I'm putting on are new or have never been fucked on by anyone other than me and her? Absolutely. There's no moral implication to it - it's a preference, period. And an excuse to get some exciting new things.

[DapperButch]

New partner = New toys. No discussion. I want us to pick new toys out together. I think it's a bonding experience. Our toys should be "our" toys......

Yes, when they are "toys" to both participants, that makes sense.

For some of us, the cock we wear is not a "toy".

But sure, you want a different butt plug than the ones in my drawer? No problem, lets hit the sex store together.

[wahya]

I to agree new partner new toys.. and I like to let her choose what her "heart" desires. I'd like her to be able to say..Hey lets use the Wednesday one on Friday.. lol She can even call them anything she wants. Cause it is all about her (in my opinion.)Well..that is until we get in the bedroom. ;-)

[sofimichi]

UGH so torn about this.
I would have to say new partner, new toys, though.

[rustedrims]

with a twist...

new work boots - new socks

[Runner]

New partner yeah we can get new toys, it's fun and sexy to choose and experiment together.


My cock though most definitely does not fall into this category and is as much a part of me as my tongue is and that doesn't change between partners either :D

[GeeGina]

I go with "new" - but the only exception is with butch cock. I don't expect my partner to have a new one lying around in a drawer...or in their pants. Also, I respect the loyalty my partner has to theirs.

Of course, I'll want a good look at it first - and have on occasion even asked my partner to put a condom on it or take a shower with it on (both of which turned out to be kinda fun).

With respect to all, I'm also not of the mindset that butch cock "belongs" to anyone but the respective owner. I'm very happy with them sharing it, though,

[imperfect_cupcake]

So when people are single and they buy themselves toys, to have fun with, do they get rid of them when they get a long term partner??

[Redsunflower]

In my opinion, new partner, no need for new body parts.


For some of us, the cock we wear is not a "toy".



And that's why.

:-)

[Erryl]

I vote new toys. I know, I know, they are expensive. That's my feelings though. If you are using the toys just on yourself and you begin a new relationship I think it's alright to use your toys if she is comfy with it. My issue is that I wouldn't want someone's ex's favorite sex toy in me. I know it can be washed and all that but it's the principle of the thing.

For those who have body related attachment to it, I can see why you wouldn't want to buy a new one. Maybe that should be on a case by case kind of basis? I don't have much experience in that area but would assume that a good honest conversation with the partner would be in order.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Ok but what if it's not an ex and all toys were used on me. and bought by me, for me.
as in, I don't just have sex when I'm in a relationship. I have casual sex from time to time. In those instances they usually use my toys on me. I don't generally use toys on them.

So if it's NOT an ex, *I* bought it for *me* and it had nothing to do with being inserted in *them*, what about then?

[AnnRkey]

I side with buying new toys when you get a new partner. I've used a toy on two different people and the sex was great but part of me still felt guilty, remorseful, I'm not sure it just wasn't a good feeling. So I will continue buying new toys if I get a new partner.

[Erryl]

Ok but what if it's not an ex and all toys were used on me. and bought by me, for me.
as in, I don't just have sex when I'm in a relationship. I have casual sex from time to time. In those instances they usually use my toys on me. I don't generally use toys on them.

So if it's NOT an ex, *I* bought it for *me* and it had nothing to do with being inserted in *them*, what about then?
I see why thats a grey area but it really boils down to honesty. If the person youre using them in doesn't care then that's cool. For me, I guess I feel like if a relationship was the goal I'd just go with the...er respect? Kindess? Whatever... of new toys. It might not bother some people at all though. What's important is that everyone ia open and honest. Thats true about everything with sex really. Thats my $0.02.

[Tuff Stuff]

I am having a debate with a butch friend of mine and we wanted to enlist the opinions of others to see what is the norm and what reasoning people have behind their opinion...

If you have a new sex partner, does that require new toys also? Is that just a preference or a requirement? Does it include all toys or just the most intimate ones? And why do you hold your opinion?

I will start with my view on this. I am not comfortable having sex with someone who is using any toys from previous lovers. This is not a territorial thing for me, it's a matter of respect and boundaries and practicing good hygiene. I can't deny a twinge of jealousy or some feeling with the idea that a toy we are using was also used with another woman, but mostly it's about my partner and her perspective on respect and boundaries, not so much about the ex lover.

Thanks for sharing!

Point taken..
Well,safe sex is important for me to and my partner.My butch dick belongs to my gf,alone.Then there's this monster that belongs to the community.I practice safe sex and I use condoms.I just bought some new toys the other day because I respect this new lover a great deal and we plan to have more than a one nighter.

[Daisy Chain]

I have come back to this thread a few times and I`m still on the fence. Its such a grey area.

First reaction would be always new. New relationship, new beginning, new US and I dont want any ghosts in the bedroom thank you. {I say relationship as I`m not a casual sex kinda girl}.

However....what I hadnt thought of until reading some of the posts was that Hy may well, and quite understandably, regard Hys cock as part of Hym, and for a Femme to say, `that has to go I want new`, well I can see why Hy would have an issue with that. So on that score if my Honey felt that way my heart would want to respect Hym and all that Hy was though I`m not so sure if I could persuade my legs to uncross. :blink:....although if Hy packed most of the time and as our relationship and intimacy levels built then I suppose I would view it and Hym as whole and one so.....I think that would be fine.

I`m going to get some feedback from Hym, I may post again.

HHmmm :deepthoughts:

Daisy :bouquet:

[DapperButch]

I have come back to this thread a few times and I`m still on the fence. Its such a grey area.

First reaction would be always new. New relationship, new beginning, new US and I dont want any ghosts in the bedroom thank you. {I say relationship as I`m not a casual sex kinda girl}.

However....what I hadnt thought of until reading some of the posts was that Hy may well, and quite understandably, regard Hys cock as part of Hym, and for a Femme to say, `that has to go I want new`, well I can see why Hy would have an issue with that.

Daisy :bouquet:

Alternatively, a butch could buy the same cock over and over again.

I have. More than once. More than twice. More than thrice. :blink:

I don't plan to do that again.

[storyspinner70]

I have to say I don't get the concept of new partner = new toys...not at all...My butch has toys she loves...why would I ask her to go out and spend tons on new things for me? The tools people use are secondary to the pleasure that comes from them. And for butches who consider their cocks body parts not toys, I'd suspect the suggestion may even be insulting. Unless you're a virgin or dating one, everyone has exes. They're part of the experiences that make you who you are. I dunno. It's never a big deal to me. But, to each their own and as long as you both agree, that's all that matters.