Recieving or saying hurtful......how do you deal with it

[Teddybear]

First off Im not pointing fingers at anyone.

We all have done it said something in anger that is extremely hurtful to the other person. My questiin is how do you as the person who said the hurtful thing try to make amends or as the person who was on the recieving end deal with it?

I have been on both ends if this problem. When on the recieving end i love being I'm taking it too personally. How could anyine not. If I'm the saying the hurtful things I will say I'm sorry. I know that I cant really take the words back and that they sting.

Let me go ahead and say please dont name names or tell specific things said just how you deal with this kind of situtation

[Sparkle]

This is something I've worked really hard on, myself, Teddy.

When if I've said something hurtful I know that these are the steps for making amends (for me):

1. I acknowledge that what I said was hurtful, and why it is hurtful.

2. I acknowledge why I did it. "I was (hurt/angry/disappointed/frustrated/etc) and I lashed out at you" and follow that up by reiterating that "regardless of how I feel (above) lashing out and hurting someone you love is not okay."

3. I apologize for hurting the person I care about.

4. I commit to not speaking from a place of (anger/frustration/disappointment/etc) anymore, to taking a deep breath and walking away from an argument if it has wound up to that place, to communicating when things are a problem earlier and with greater skill so it doesn't get to that point again.

Here's the big important part ...

4. Then I do what I committed to do, over and over again.

When I've hurt someone deeply with my words I know that the only way to come back from it is to show them with my actions that I understand I was wrong, that I've learned from the experience and that I am taking action to improve my behavior and my communication skills.

It takes time to earn someone's trust back, sometimes a lot of time.
Time and hard work.
Sometimes it takes longer than you could ever imagine.

I've hurt people I love deeply with my words, in the past; and I've since done a lot of work (on myself) to change patterns of behavior that lead me to fight and wound with words. I'm far from perfect, but I'm pretty good at (not doing) it now. It's taken A LOT of work to become a good and consistent communicator. It's been worth it. I like not feeling ashamed and full of recriminations for things I've said.

[agape]

Well, when I have said or done something hurtful I do try to sincerely apologize when/if possible, regardless of if I find my behavior hurtful or not, I do try to respect the other persons feelings.

I will also do my best to correct the behavior and not repeat it with that person. If I find that hard to do then I try to explain why that is...

When others have said/done hurtful things, hmm.. that's seems to be more tricky... I most often try to let the person know I found that behavior hurtful but it doesn't always help...

I would appreciate the same reaction as what I do when I have done something wrong. Unfortunately I most often get to hear: "you shouldn't have been offended by this, you are too sensitive, I didn't mean anything bad, it was just a joke" etc.

The thing is, ppl get offended by different things... All legit imo...

[GraffitiBoi]

How I react to being hurt and what I do when I have hurt someone really depends on the situation. If I hurt the person by using 'tough love' I will apologize for being hurtful and try to let them know it comes from a place of love. If I hurt someone just because I was being a jerk, I will apologize and then show them I am sorry. I believe actions speak louder than words.

The same goes for if someone hurts me. If they hurt me by being truthful with me I try to take time to understand. If someone hurts me for any other reason I distance myself from them and I will limit any contact/conversation until they show me they are sorry. Words don't mean much to me anymore. I need to see to believe. You can tell me you're sorry. You can tell me you care, or even love me, but if I don't see it, it doesn't mean anything.

[Andrea]

What Sparkle said.

[Teddybear]

This is something I've worked really hard on, myself, Teddy.

When if I've said something hurtful I know that these are the steps for making amends (for me):

1. I acknowledge that what I said was hurtful, and why it is hurtful.

2. I acknowledge why I did it. "I was (hurt/angry/disappointed/frustrated/etc) and I lashed out at you" and follow that up by reiterating that "regardless of how I feel (above) lashing out and hurting someone you love is not okay."

3. I apologize for hurting the person I care about.

4. I commit to not speaking from a place of (anger/frustration/disappointment/etc) anymore, to taking a deep breath and walking away from an argument if it has wound up to that place, to communicating when things are a problem earlier and with greater skill so it doesn't get to that point again.

Here's the big important part ...

4. Then I do what I committed to do, over and over again.

When I've hurt someone deeply with my words I know that the only way to come back from it is to show them with my actions that I understand I was wrong, that I've learned from the experience and that I am taking action to improve my behavior and my communication skills.

It takes time to earn someone's trust back, sometimes a lot of time.
Time and hard work.
Sometimes it takes longer than you could ever imagine.

I've hurt people I love deeply with my words, in the past; and I've since done a lot of work (on myself) to change patterns of behavior that lead me to fight and wound with words. I'm far from perfect, but I'm pretty good at (not doing) it now. It's taken A LOT of work to become a good and consistent communicator. It's been worth it. I like not feeling ashamed and full of recriminations for things I've said.

Sparkle

Thanks for ur input and insight.

I agree that trust is hard to earn back and can take time. Sometimes it can never be earned back

[Cin]

When I hurt someone how I react depends on who the person is. I don’t care to think I’ve hurt anyone really, even a stranger, but when it’s someone I love I will put a lot more effort into making amends and going out of my way so as not to repeat the offense. It doesn’t matter whether or not I think what I said or did was hurtful. My feelings are not really part of the equation. It has not been easy for me to let go of that, I have to admit. When I really meant no offense I want the person to get that and let their hurt go. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. It only adds insult to injury when you try to tell someone they don’t have a right to their feelings. Also, I think inherent in the words “I’m sorry I hurt you” is “and I will try to make sure not to do it again”, at least if you ever expect anyone to take you and your sorries seriously (I know, there is no plural for sorry but I wanted one). Sorry loses its power if you have to keep saying it. I mean after awhile the implication, regardless of your words, is that you are not sorry at all.

When someone hurts me I do try not to take it personally. I have discovered, although it goes against every fiber of my being, that very little in this world is about me. Go figure. Often when someone says or does something hurtful it is not that they are purposefully trying to hurt me, there are usually a ton of extenuating circumstances, triggers, anxiety, stress, sideways anger, passive aggressive behaviors, etc., if I will just take the time to figure out what might be going on everyone wins. Even when they are purposely trying to hurt me, it is rarely just about me. I doubt I would choose friends who would hurt me without reason and I would not marry someone who goes around indiscriminately hurting me, so I need to remember that and take a look at the big picture. Also I have learned that getting pissed off doesn’t convey what I’m really feeling. Anger used to be the only emotion I could express, for me it was the all purpose emotion, but now I know that when someone hurts me, especially someone I love, it’s not anger that I feel. It’s hurt. I’m hurt. My little feelings are broken. And I make sure I tell them that. I don’t want a pound of flesh, nor do I need to hurt them back, I just want to be clear that they hurt me. I want them to be aware of that. I get that it happens, especially in intimate relationships. It’s hard to avoid hurting or being hurt. We are all so sensitive. We are more attuned to our own feelings, not so in touch with the feelings of others. I try to remember I’m just human and so is the other.

[Blade]

I learned at an early age that once it comes over your lips, you can't take it back. So I try to engage my brain before I open my mouth.

Most of the time I don't even realize I've hurt someone's feeling. In my case I think that sometimes what I have said may have been taken out of perspective. Then there are times when I go, crap I need to go make it right with so and so, I shouldn't have said that the way I did. So if I realize I've hurt someone's feelings, I make it right. Which usually consists of me asking them about the situation, them telling me how it made them feel and me apologizing for what I said and explaining what I really meant, or me wanting to kick myself because I can't take it back.

Then there are times, once in a great while when I'll be pushed past my point of no return and I'll let you have it and I don't care if it hurts your feelings or not. So I guess the moral to that story is don't push my buttons because I will, let you have it, if it hurts your feelings or not. You'll die from it or get over it....So build a bridge.

As for my feelings getting hurt, it rarely happens. I'm pretty tough skinned. I'll keep it in my craw and digest on it a bit. Eventually I'll either let it go or confront you about what you said that hurt my feelings. I carry my tools and lumber as well, so I can build a bridge and get over it. For the most part I live by the phrase "this to shall pass" and it normally does.

[Metro]

Over the years, being on both sides of the equation, I've discovered that sometimes I must walk away from a toxic situation or person. In the past this has been, and even now at times, incredibly difficult to do -- particularly for those (like me) who have an inherent urge to "fix" things.

These days I endeavor to live in the present, be positive and supportive (without being a Pollyanna), and also to actively seek out and/or accept the positive people and situations when they are presented.

I am also much better at choosing my battles.

In general, editing my life in this way has helped me to feel both more grounded and vigilant when the really important (and sometimes uncontrollable) life events and disagreements come along.

P.S. Sometimes scorched earth is just that -- and it's better to move on and look for greener pastures.

[Rockinonahigh]

Last night I found out soemthing the upset me bad.A fue months ago I bought a new pool case that cost me in the excess of a couple of hundred bucksm when I bought it I still had the case I was useing so the proshop at my home base pool hall ask why I didn't just leave it there a while to see of it sells to cover some of the cost of the new case so I did that.Now I have inquired a fue times about it but ot was still where I left it.So I had desided as I wsa going to Vegas for the pool tournament I would use the other case cause if it got knocked around I would like it but not worry about it either caues it has a hard shell case.When I went after it the guy at the shop said he had given it away to someone who wanted a case but just couldnt afford it.It pissed me greatly,I didnt say a thing for a while as he was telling me this.I grited my teeth,my eye twitched,I swallows a couple of times.He said he thought he told me about it before but gess he forgot.Yes we are working something out cause I want my sticks retiped plus I need a couple of things incase I need them in Vegas.He knows I am not in the least happy with this situation,yes we are working it out,but u can bet he will never see another dime of my money for anything,there are other places I can go to.I know all the therapy and life stratigies I have had are doing some good..he still lives.

[JAGG]

Here is my rule on it. I don't try to reason with an irrational person. I see they are angry , so I give them a little more forgiveness than normal. I don't pay attention to their "immature" venting style. I filter through it let it roll off me and get to the heart of the issue, try to address what is really upsetting them. I am very thick skinned most things like this don't effect me much. I don't engage in name calling and I avoid using the words always and never. A few things that work for me are, when your loved one is ranting at you , don't get defensive it's not you against her, it's not about who is right and who is wrong, what matters is the person you love is upset . Listen to what she is really saying to you.
Then remind her and yourself that you are on her side, you are on the same side, you are on the same team. There is no need to get so upset if you communicate properly all along.
If you are taking digs at each other you are not being honest about things with each other and you are not communicating very well about how you feel , what you want and expect. It always boils down to honesty, if you can't be honest with yourself and them about all things, problems will always escalate. Just my 2 cents worth.

[Teddybear]

Butch Femme Planet > HEALTH: BODY, MIND, SPIRIT > BREAKUPS, LESSONS LEARNED, HEALING

Or here.

Thank you T-Rex

I was unsure as to where to put it when I started the thread and really thought there may have been one of those topics that was heated.

Thank you for placing it in the right place

[Rockinonahigh]

Metro mentioned toxic people and or situations that seam to be with them.Three years ago I chose to cut some people out of my life because of them being extreamly toxic to my mental well being,it didnt start out like this it started with the breakup of a couple I had been friends with since college.Before they ever broke up someone new,who I knew and introduced them to,moved into the situation like a leach.I just didn't see that comeing at all,by time the split was done it had destroid two kids who ended up going back to theire dad's to live, wich imop was best cause the rest forgot they were adults and kids were involved.They stasrted calling me up asking for advice...I wouldn't give any,I told them all I didn't wan't anything to do with the whole mess just leave me out of it.I changed my phone number,stoped going to the gay clubs for a while cause they were always going on the nights I could go cause of work.It has been so much better not haveing that sort of crap to deal with.Now if I even think a toxic situation is comeing in my direction, I am gone.I keep the trouble out of my life as much as I can,if any happends that directly effects me or mine I deal with it then forget it,life is so much better that way.

[peachy]

My relationship with my ex husband is hard work because he is extremely rude and ignorant in the way he speaks to me often - but at the same time he has been a good provider and he has been a real man about me coming out. I am really grateful to him for that but I can't stand the way he speaks to me and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to me if I were a man.

He's the father of my child so I have to try and be friends for her sake. If it wasn't for her, even though he has been so good about our divorce and everything I don't think we would see each other any more or be friends. We push each other's buttons too much. If he is rude to me I try to stay calm and not turn it into an argument. I say don't talk to me like that please.

At times I have lost my temper and the way I have spoken to him has been pretty nasty too. When I have calmed down I apologise. Over time we have become a little more mellow with each other but it has taken 10 years.

The older I get the less I tolerate crap. I just walk away now and know that when one relationships door closes another opens. It's hard when there are children though. It hurts them to see anger. The only way I have been able to reach a happy compromise has been to live separate lives from my ex as far as our friendship goes but try to do normal family stuff like holidays and eating together for the sake of our daughter. I wish I could be in a happy relationship for her to see how that works but this isn't flowing right now either.

[Ginger]

I remove myself from hurtful people. The trap is to engage with them and I fall into that trap, but not always. My weakness is going numb. That enables me to put up with unbearable things I should walk away from. I'll always struggle with that one, but at least I'm aware of it.

[Ciaran]

I am a guttural person and, when passionate, I can say things that are extremely hurtful in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, this is consciously deliberate (i.e. to hurt) and, sometimes, less so.

At the time, it usually feels fine - until, in the cold light of the next day (or next week or month), I've comprehended exactly what I've said and how it may have impacted the other person.

I'm getting better at apologising but still not good at it (would rate myself at 2 out of 10 on the "ability to apologise" scale) and I've also realised that, whilst it's possible to apologise, it's not possible to take back what was said.


On the reverse, I've had many hurtful, sometimes very hurtful, things said to me over the years. In my younger years, words impacted me much more. These days, much less so ...... other than a small number of people I deeply love, it would be hard to say something to me that caused me extreme hurt.


Rather, I'd just walk away and keep walking ...... I don't always think it's a good trait but I am very good at shutting people out of my life without a second thought.

[MysticOceansFL]

I usually place people or trouble stir on ignore

[Violette]

I really like what Sparkle wrote! I try to do this as well. I think it is so important to acknowledge what you said was hurtful, if, indeed, you were the one doing the hurting. I am pretty sure it is safe to say we have all been on both ends of this.

I am really coming to the conclusion that everyone says mean things sometimes. It doesn't make them, or me, a bad person. It just makes us all human. That is why we have words to express our sorrow about our human moments.

I also know that sometimes I take things to mean something different then what was intended because I come to each and every interaction with someone with my own history of experiences. And sometimes this history flavours the way I (we) hear things. And you know what? That is valid too! You being hurt by what someone else said, especially if what was said wasn't meant to be hurtful, is just another opportunity for you to heal. Of course, one needs to be aware of this in order for it to be a healthy opportunity to grow. Otherwise it can just be one big hurtful mess.

I will never give up on the idea that people have a boundless capacity to grow.

[Soft*Silver]

I say mean things sometimes. But I can vow that they are true things. And when i say a mean true thing, its something that needed said. And said that way. I only get mean when people dont hear me say things nicely. I had a wonderful therapist who actually showed me that when I say mean things, its because all my other efforts to being heard went unheard. Or disregarded. Ignored.

I have also discovered about this process, that if I am at this point, I need to leave. So I say what I must, how I must, and then I leave. In the past, it was much more emotional, dramatic and explosive. Now, its simply matter of fact and away I go.

Rare is it a case when I accidentally or unintentionally hurt someone's feelings with something I said. I examine where I went wrong. Sometimes it wasnt me. Sometimes they hear or interpret differently than I intended. But sometimes its my fault. And then I am aghast at the hurt I have caused.

When someone hurts me, if its intentional, I can be savage in response. Not necessarily verbally violent (tho I have been with a few people who have deserved it quite well) but pointed, sharp, and hard. If its not intentional, I am most able to shake it off and forgive and move on quickly. Both serve me well in coping with hurt.

[Martina]

Other people lashing out at me -- usually I let it go. Occasionally, I will hang on to something. I do not think that the incidents I remember are necessarily the worst ones, but the ones that maybe align with my own fears about who I am at my worst.

People who actually threaten me -- there is no coming back from that. But if the person is basically acting out their own shit, I try to take care of myself in the moment (easier said than done), be a little more cautious around them for a while, and then let it go. I actually have no problem letting it go. It's too boring to hold on to stuff for long. I do try not to give anyone permission to repeatedly be hurtful or rude.

I am honest and police my own boundaries. I have only had a few times in my life when anxiety or change or something caused me to be different from that -- meaning I asked to be treated like shit.

In terms of my hurting others, I hate it. And I tend to have some sensitive friends and lovers. So when it happens, I feel terrible. I basically had to tell someone recently that I was not going to factor in their preferences in a personal decision I am making. They had no right to ask me to -- and shouldn't have. I basically said sorry, not going to. But I should have been gentler. I hate that. It pushed her away a little. I sure didn't intend that. On the other hand, she probably won't try to influence my personal decisions again. We'll see.

In a serious discussion or a professional situation, I pull no punches. People who know me also know that. So if they want to get serious about politics or education, then they better be able to be real. I am not here to make people feel better about themselves (except when I am). If someone feels a little bruised after a frank discussion, I don't give it a second thought. It's not my problem. In truth, I don't care much about whether people like me or not. I have people in my life who adore me. I have colleagues who respect me. I don't really care if I am loved by folks outside my close community. I do try to be kind, but I don't massage people's egos for no good reason. I don't know if that is the same as being harsh or rude, but it may look that way sometimes.

I also hate injustice and will call it out, sometimes harshly. That has caused some hurt feelings and some consequences for me. I have had a few bosses who knew I didn't respect them. I should have just laid low. Very very hard for me to do, especially if something real is at stake.

If I have deliberately hurt someone, I do regret that. I usually apologize and understand that the damage is probably not going to go away quickly. Hard to face. But it happens.

Someone in my life -- a colleague -- is intrusive. I mean, BAD intrusive. Literally as well as figuratively. I will open a drawer in my desk, and she will reach her hand in and grab something. She can't keep her hands off anything I keep on top of my desk. She lets me know what she thinks of any behavior of mine that gets her attention. There are times I just stop her -- cold. She is usually silent for an hour afterwards and then snaps out of it. Being gentle with her would have no effect. But putting a stop to something hurts her feelings. There's no way to win. So I tolerate most of it -- because I don't care that much. But when it's too much, I let her know. It must happen to her with other folks. I mean she is really bad about this.

The irony is that she thinks that I am the best teacher on the planet and that I am gifted with children, etc. She sings my praises at every opportunity. It's very weird to have these harsh judgmental comments coming at you from someone you know also likes and respects you. That, of course, makes it easier to tolerate. But sometimes, it's just too much.

Very recently, she told me that I couldn't do something I was used to doing, that it was against the rules and I would get in trouble for it. I told her that it wasn't against the rules. So she yelled. She more or less said that any idiot would know that one could not do that thing, yadda yadda. Well within thirty minutes, an administrator stopped by and she asked her. The admin told her that no, this thing was NOT against the rules, that, in fact, most teachers were doing it that way, etc. Silence. No apology. Nothing. That's just her.

BUT, a more generous and kind-hearted person you will never meet. Nor will you meet a more bossy, opinionated and rude person. I sort of dreaded coming back to school this fall a little because I knew I would have to get my guard up again to deal with her. But it's been fine.

[homoe]

I'm very laid back! I tend to let things roll off my back and not take stuff to personally!

[meridiantoo]

I try hard to be PC or to say things in a diplomatic way. That said, I'm a Sagittarius and so I often speak before I think, and I can be blunt, which leads me to apologizing fairly often. I try to apologize if I notice offense; I rarely mean offense.

If someone offends me, I rarely say anything about it. Most of the time, it's not worth it to me. I am also rarely offended. I tend to be easy-going and just let stuff roll off my back. People have bad days, foul moods, etc.

[SaltyButch]

I am a thinker, that comes with it's benefits and it's drawbacks...one of the benefits is that I often think before I speak. So, when I do say something it has usually been run through my mind a zillion times so that I can say what I want to say in a constructive way...I rarely lash out...and in the heat of an argument if I can't think of something to say without hurt...I will leave and come back to it.

If someone should say something to me in a hurtful way...and it is meant to hurt me.....I shut down....and most likely won't contact them until they choose to contact me and then I will listen...being a communicator I try to surround myself with people who can communicate in a caring, thoughtful way.

[introverted1]

I heard this saying years ago, and I try to apply it in my life...before saying something to somebody, first determine these things...

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If these three things do not apply, say nothing.

[homoe]

I heard this saying years ago, and I try to apply it in my life...before saying something to somebody, first determine these things...

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If these three things do not apply, say nothing.

This is an excellent saying I agree! Now if ONLY we lived in a perfect world where we could always practice this.

[Demure]

Interesting post.

If I lash out with words they are deserved because for me like another poster I have already thought it through, so many different scenarios and given enough chances for that person to either back off, walk away or make effort to change.

I rarely use words when I do I'm fully aware of the damage I cause because of intuitive nature when I'm around people. Sometimes there is no going back if I have used words.

I'm fully aware of my ability to hurt with words and therefore I use silence as part of the arsenal. Silence is a communicator of high regard but very rarely used. Silence can say so much more than any words because it is felt more deeply.

I'm an analyser, insightful, tolerant person and a forgiver and this has meant that when people hurt me I don't allow them to see it. The only time they will see it is when I have walked away and I have walked even when I still love them.

I have been asked by two exes 'why' and though I said partial truths I still protect them because some hurts no matter how genuine the remorse over the hurt they remain with a person no matter how much they like to think it doesn't.

I have done this with friendships too for the same reasons.

[*Anya*]

I do not think that I have ever thrown anything back at a person in anger that is something that they shared with me about their vulnerable self.

No attacks on their person, their hopes and dreams or something personal about themselves that they struggle with.

In short: no hits below the belt.

I have had it happen to me and they are the kind of things that I can never get out of my mind or my head.

I shut down if it is really hurtful.

It is a long-term behavior for me that I learned in childhood.

I can almost feel myself turning inward like a shell clamping down over my heart.

My recent ex did it so often, I wound up not being able to open my shell to her anymore.

I don't know if I have learned any lessons. I am working hard to understand what very early red flags are so I don't get sucked into something not good again.

[~ocean]

((((( anya ))))) i'm sry u had to deal w/ all that b/s ~ even tho I have never met you I can tell your awesome :) cover your butt on Valentines Day u need to heal lol arrow shots hurt ** rubs butt **

[Kätzchen]

I do not think that I have ever thrown anything back at a person in anger that is something that they shared with me about their vulnerable self.

No attacks on their person, their hopes and dreams or something personal about themselves that they struggle with.

In short: no hits below the belt.

I have had it happen to me and they are the kind of things that I can never get out of my mind or my head.

I shut down if it is really hurtful.

It is a long-term behavior for me that I learned in childhood.

I can almost feel myself turning inward like a shell clamping down over my heart.

My recent ex did it so often, I wound up not being able to open my shell to her anymore.

I don't know if I have learned any lessons. I am working hard to understand what very early red flags are so I don't get sucked into something not good again.


Anya, I think you've homed in on an integral aspect of personal and interpersonal communication.... the part where you mention that people step back from hitting below the belt, to stop attacking a another's dreams or hopes or any aspect of privately talked-about vulnerability.

That is a huge red flag, the person who attacks your character, your dreams hopes and desires.

The person who speaks to you while fully regarding your personhood? The person who is gentle, loving and kind? The person who does not need to destroy your confidence? Those types of people are the people who care about you, who won't put their pride above yours or let their pride dictate the process.

I think you should treat yourself kindly.
And, I hope the winter holidays bring you special memories.

Hang in there, ok?
Wishing you the very best! :rrose:

[MsTinkerbelly]

I do not think that I have ever thrown anything back at a person in anger that is something that they shared with me about their vulnerable self.

No attacks on their person, their hopes and dreams or something personal about themselves that they struggle with.

In short: no hits below the belt.

I have had it happen to me and they are the kind of things that I can never get out of my mind or my head.

I shut down if it is really hurtful.

It is a long-term behavior for me that I learned in childhood.

I can almost feel myself turning inward like a shell clamping down over my heart.

My recent ex did it so often, I wound up not being able to open my shell to her anymore.

I don't know if I have learned any lessons. I am working hard to understand

what very early red flags are so I don't get sucked into something not good again.

I have been so fortunate in my life to have loved people that loved themselves enough to fight fair and not want to cause me pain. People that have respect for me, and truly want me to grow and be happy.

I say I have been fortunate, because people are very good at hiding their most unloveable/hate the world/want to make others feel the pain selves. Even if you know someone for several years, it is mostly a leap of faith when you partner with another person and open your heart.

You have proven once again that there is nothing wrong with you or your judgement. Despite (or because of) the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents, despite the faithlessness of your long term ex, in spite of your most recent ex being cruel and unkind, you keep opening your heart and seeing the good that resides in most people.

You are not broken because you can love...you loved yourself enough to leave.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Anya, I think you've homed in on an integral aspect of personal and interpersonal communication.... the part where you mention that people step back from hitting below the belt, to stop attacking a another's dreams or hopes or any aspect of privately talked-about vulnerability.

That is a huge red flag, the person who attacks your character, your dreams hopes and desires.

The person who speaks to you while fully regarding your personhood? The person who is gentle, loving and kind? The person who does not need to destroy your confidence? Those types of people are the people who care about you, who won't put their pride above yours or let their pride dictate the process.

I think you should treat yourself kindly.
And, I hope the winter holidays bring you special memories.

Hang in there, ok?
Wishing you the very best! :rrose:

I just sent you a pm that was meant for Anya...sorry!

[Teddybear]

So this week has really be filled with drama. Maybe I should say that since meeting this person it has been.

She and I were close but not dating. I was a supportive friend. She began dating someone I gave congratulations and wish d them the best. Unfortunately it didn't last long really it was off but the other would threatened to harm themselves if she broke up with them.

She asked me to block the ex and I did. I didn't know her and really didn't want that BS in my life.

Well it has been ramping up the last month a d this week it really got to a jumping off place.

The ex started texting me from 4 different numbers with all kinds of garbage. I finally had my fill and let her have it.

Needless to say I lost a friend not because I let her have it but because I did as she asked. But she refused to see that.

I know ppl who r abusers can only NOT abuse for a short time and it will start again.

I didn't say anything negative about my friend don't get me wrong I wanted to. And I seriously doubt I will ever take anything back I said to on again off again gf.

What I regret is that I said anything at all to her to start with. It hurts that I was seeing her hurt so much and I wanted it to stop.

I know you can point out the trees but you can't make them see the forest