What do you do for closure?

[Violette]

My boifriend (of a year) broke up with me via email.

We had been struggling for a while and trying to work things through. I had broken up with her a couple of months ago b/c things were just not getting better. When I attempted to break things off, something opened up and we were able to see through muck and it gave us both hope. But the struggling soon came back and I was seriously contemplating whether or not we were well suited for each other. I think she sensed this and did a preemptive break up. Which, would have been fine with me, if she did it in person. I had suggested we make some time to see each other and then I received The Email. I feel so hurt by how she broke up with me. There was no chance at talking things out or breaking up in a loving way (I know that may sound corny, but I believe when you love someone and you realize that it just doesn't work, you can leave things on good terms).

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or any other situation when you didn't feel like you had a chance at closure? How have you come to closure?

Thank you in advanced!
~Violette

[Soft*Silver]

Closure in those situations, come only with time. One day you will just notice its over, inside. Not every relationship can end with words spoken. Some end because the people cant talk within the relationship...so how could they end it talking?

I personally would prefer an email or letter. Something written that I could muse or brood over, ingest and mull it. Thoroughly. Until I drained every bit of emotional blood I could out of it. But without the emotional display of fighting, crying, blaming, displaying, hoping, etc. Sometimes it feels good just to walk away with a letter. Something in my hand. Which probably meant what they gave my heart wasnt much...I just would need time to figure that out...

[macele]

saying goodbye. that's an emotional rollercoaster. time takes care of closure. time and moving on.

i've never been in a relationship that i gave forethought about breaking up and remaining friends. it just happened that way or didn't. depends on the two, i think.

some people are insecure. and they can't say in person for fear of looking like the fool, breaking down, not wanting to be the one that gets left behind, etc. and that's not about you. that's about them. their needs.

i personally think if you are in love, ... there's never complete closure. i'll always have love for the person. but there has to be steps made to letting go. live life. find what you enjoy. time will move you along.

Violette, i'm sorry for your pain. thank you for sharing.

[Martina]

Awwww. I am sorry. Some of it is hard just because it's finally final. Keep that in mind. It might have made it easier to have a better ending, but it still would have been hard. I recommend taking good care of yourself and trying to stay in the moment. Easier said than done, I know.

[Violette]

"Not every relationship can end with words spoken. Some end because the people cant talk within the relationship...so how could they end it talking?"


That's a really good point, Miss Tia. Thank you for your insight!

[QUOTE=macele;835477]
some people are insecure. and they can't say in person for fear of looking like the fool, breaking down, not wanting to be the one that gets left behind, etc. and that's not about you. that's about them. their needs.

Violette, i'm sorry for your pain. thank you for sharing.

Thank you for reminding me of this, Macele! And thank you for the empathy! It is greatly appreciated!

Awwww. I am sorry. Some of it is hard just because it's finally final. Keep that in mind. It might have made it easier to have a better ending, but it still would have been hard. I recommend taking good care of yourself and trying to stay in the moment. Easier said than done, I know.

Thank you, Martina! Yes, it still would have been hard.


I think part of what is difficult for me is what she wrote. Some things that were said were triggering for me. And of course, we have some mutual friends. I fear that they will think poorly of me because of how she has likely cast a dark shadow about me (I am concluding this by what she said), though I know I tried my best and I felt no malice toward her during this process.

[candy_coated_bitch]

My boifriend (of a year) broke up with me via email.

We had been struggling for a while and trying to work things through. I had broken up with her a couple of months ago b/c things were just not getting better. When I attempted to break things off, something opened up and we were able to see through muck and it gave us both hope. But the struggling soon came back and I was seriously contemplating whether or not we were well suited for each other. I think she sensed this and did a preemptive break up. Which, would have been fine with me, if she did it in person. I had suggested we make some time to see each other and then I received The Email. I feel so hurt by how she broke up with me. There was no chance at talking things out or breaking up in a loving way (I know that may sound corny, but I believe when you love someone and you realize that it just doesn't work, you can leave things on good terms).

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or any other situation when you didn't feel like you had a chance at closure? How have you come to closure?

Thank you in advanced!
~Violette

I had an ex once who broke up with me over email. We were together over three years and were friends a long time before that. He had asked me for space at one point to deal with his own stuff--and I gave it to him. But I never knew what it was about. Then he emailed me out of the blue and said it was over. No explanation. He refused to talk to me about it at all. I literally never spoke to him again. It was devastating. I had NO way of making sense of it.

I think some really good things have been said already. As far as a situation like this goes--the only way you can find closure is within yourself. I think it's a different evolution than if you had someone else to process it with. But, you CAN process. Journal, vent to friends, write angry letters, do what you have to do. Just take care of yourself. It's an opportunity to be kind to yourself.

The only thing that will bring closure is time. Sometimes just letting go and knowing that helps. It will happen.

[*Anya*]

Sometimes the only closure that there is or that truly matters is the closure within oneself.

There is no one easy answer for what works and it may be different for each of us.

I believe that the passage of time is the only closure that there really is and sometimes there really are no clear-cut answers.

I am really sorry that you are hurting and hope that your heart is able to heal.

:moonstars:

[The_Lady_Snow]

I personally don't need closure, if it's over it's over I like to move on. Break ups tend to happen with pre warning signs that we choose to ignore, look at it this way at least you don't have to do the back and forth thing!! Give it time you will heal and move on and be happier... I wish you much luck:)

[MsBluem]

My closure process usually involves a trip to see close friends, lots of laughter and, in general, a tattoo. A lot of my tattoos mark the end or beginning of important chapters of my life.

[JAGG]

I know it's an old cliche, but truely if you want closure only time can give you that. And you never know how long that will take. But it will happen eventually. I hope your pain passes quickly, and you find all sorts of things to be happy about along the way.

[girl_dee]

by email? Seriously that's just not right.

sorry this happened, no matter what we deserve better than an email in these situations...

for me by the time it's actually over it's been a long time coming and i normally experience a sort of relief.... i don't look back of have regrets so the closure thing isn't present for me.

Good luck Violette........

[Blade]

by email? Seriously that's just not right.

sorry this happened, no matter what we deserve better than an email in these situations...

for me by the time it's actually over it's been a long time coming and i normally experience a sort of relief.... i don't look back of have regrets so the closure thing isn't present for me.

Good luck Violette........

Have to agree with Dee email sucks IMO. I to usually have seen it coming and sense relief. TLS made a great point about pre warning signs that are ignored. Time will be your friend, don't beat yourself up over it.

[weatherboi]

i disappear in my own space time continuum, never to be seen or heard from again.

[LaneyDoll]

I have found that for me, closure tends to work best when the reminders are gone. That means getting rid of the emails, texts, voice mails, cards or whatever it may be that you can sink into to so that you can get those old feelings again. I also delete pics.

It is not easy though. I have deleted emails in tears and hated myself for doing it. I have absolutely longed for them and hated myself for deleting them. But I know that I am better off for doing so. When I have them, it is like reopening old wounds.

Now, I do still have items that were purchased for me by an ex. Most of the time, they shift to "just things" and I really do not have an emotional attachment to material gifts. I actually still have my old wedding ring. But now, it is just a ring. I forget what the original intent of it was. For some reason, things are just things; but this would obviously not include cards ;)

:sparklyheart:

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think some people truly don't understand how important closure is. Without it, no matter how much we kid ourselves, we never really move on. Not completely. This is why people die with regrets 40 years after a relationship has ended or can't come close to getting over someone who has passed away suddenly.

A sudden, unexplainable loss is devastating. It's like being dropped off a cliff. It's hard to grieve and move on when you don't understand what just happened.

I agree with the advice here. Writing angry letters that you never send or getting creative and writing a story (if you're the creative type) can do wonders for your healing process.

Sometimes, just deciding to let the person go with spiritual love (meaning lovingkindness and compassion) can be the best thing you can do to cut ties and let go even if you don't have the answer you were looking for. It gives you a feeling of empowerment because you are no longer allowing the person to control your life and your emotions.

This is a fresh wound and it will take time. If you are able to talk to your ex to straighten things out for the sake of closure, by all means do. If not, write a letter of "letting go" when you're ready and decide whether or not it's best to send it.

I wish you the best. I sympathize.

[Violette]

I had an ex once who broke up with me over email. We were together over three years and were friends a long time before that. He had asked me for space at one point to deal with his own stuff--and I gave it to him. But I never knew what it was about. Then he emailed me out of the blue and said it was over. No explanation. He refused to talk to me about it at all. I literally never spoke to him again. It was devastating. I had NO way of making sense of it.

I think some really good things have been said already. As far as a situation like this goes--the only way you can find closure is within yourself. I think it's a different evolution than if you had someone else to process it with. But, you CAN process. Journal, vent to friends, write angry letters, do what you have to do. Just take care of yourself. It's an opportunity to be kind to yourself.

The only thing that will bring closure is time. Sometimes just letting go and knowing that helps. It will happen.

Thank you for sharing your experience!! That sounded terribly painful! Yes, I agree, it is a different evolution. Your insight is hopeful and appreciated!

Sometimes the only closure that there is or that truly matters is the closure within oneself.

There is no one easy answer for what works and it may be different for each of us.

I believe that the passage of time is the only closure that there really is and sometimes there really are no clear-cut answers.

I am really sorry that you are hurting and hope that your heart is able to heal.

:moonstars:

Thank you, Anya! I have great hope in healing!

I personally don't need closure, if it's over it's over I like to move on. Break ups tend to happen with pre warning signs that we choose to ignore, look at it this way at least you don't have to do the back and forth thing!! Give it time you will heal and move on and be happier... I wish you much luck:)

Yes, we had been struggling. And yes, great point about the no back and forth thing! Thank you!

My closure process usually involves a trip to see close friends, lots of laughter and, in general, a tattoo. A lot of my tattoos mark the end or beginning of important chapters of my life.

Thank you, MsBluem! Surprisingly, I have been able to laugh a lot lately! I thank my small group of good friends for that (and the fact that I now have ample time to see them)!

I know it's an old cliche, but truely if you want closure only time can give you that. And you never know how long that will take. But it will happen eventually. I hope your pain passes quickly, and you find all sorts of things to be happy about along the way.

Thank you for your kind words, JAGG! I am looking for happy everyday!

by email? Seriously that's just not right.

sorry this happened, no matter what we deserve better than an email in these situations...

for me by the time it's actually over it's been a long time coming and i normally experience a sort of relief.... i don't look back of have regrets so the closure thing isn't present for me.

Good luck Violette........

THANK YOU!! I don't think it's right either. It would be one thing if we had only been out on a date or two, but we were in love. It does make things a lot more clear for me, that, really, this isn't someone who I could have a healthy relationship with--not just because she broke up by email, it was also what she wrote in the email.

Have to agree with Dee email sucks IMO. I to usually have seen it coming and sense relief. TLS made a great point about pre warning signs that are ignored. Time will be your friend, don't beat yourself up over it.

Yes, thank you, Blade!

i disappear in my own space time continuum, never to be seen or heard from again.

I can really relate to this, weatherboi! I am making a conscious effort not to disappear. But, I am taking a whole lot of space for myself!

I have found that for me, closure tends to work best when the reminders are gone. That means getting rid of the emails, texts, voice mails, cards or whatever it may be that you can sink into to so that you can get those old feelings again. I also delete pics.

It is not easy though. I have deleted emails in tears and hated myself for doing it. I have absolutely longed for them and hated myself for deleting them. But I know that I am better off for doing so. When I have them, it is like reopening old wounds.

Now, I do still have items that were purchased for me by an ex. Most of the time, they shift to "just things" and I really do not have an emotional attachment to material gifts. I actually still have my old wedding ring. But now, it is just a ring. I forget what the original intent of it was. For some reason, things are just things; but this would obviously not include cards ;)

:sparklyheart:

I agree LaneyDoll. I have taken down pictures. Haven't thrown away the cards. We shall see what to do with the rest. Thank you for your insight!

I think some people truly don't understand how important closure is. Without it, no matter how much we kid ourselves, we never really move on. Not completely. This is why people die with regrets 40 years after a relationship has ended or can't come close to getting over someone who has passed away suddenly.

A sudden, unexplainable loss is devastating. It's like being dropped off a cliff. It's hard to grieve and move on when you don't understand what just happened.

I agree with the advice here. Writing angry letters that you never send or getting creative and writing a story (if you're the creative type) can do wonders for your healing process.

Sometimes, just deciding to let the person go with spiritual love (meaning lovingkindness and compassion) can be the best thing you can do to cut ties and let go even if you don't have the answer you were looking for. It gives you a feeling of empowerment because you are no longer allowing the person to control your life and your emotions.

This is a fresh wound and it will take time. If you are able to talk to your ex to straighten things out for the sake of closure, by all means do. If not, write a letter of "letting go" when you're ready and decide whether or not it's best to send it.

I wish you the best. I sympathize.

Thank you, Girl On Fire! YES, to all of it. In the end, I still like her very much as a person (and yes, I still love her as well). I am certain it is better that the relationship is over, so there is a lot of relief present as well. I will eventually get over what was said and how it was done. Different parts of the situation sting on different days. And I have to say, it has been good to just feel even though it is very painful sometimes.

You all have been wonderful and my heart thanks you!

[nycfem]

I prefer to be broken up with, whether by a friend or lover, by phone. I like the phone call to be a surprise so that I don't have to deal with anticipatory anxiety (on my part, I mean). I like to know why but keep it simple and state it nicely, and perhaps be open to brief, respectful conversation about it. I don't want to be in person because I like to be alone when handling something like that. My least favorite is a long email detailing all my shortcomings. I find that to be cowardly. A friend of mine, H, from college, and I share a mutual friend, A, from college, and the 3 of us have been close friends for years (In fact, we were kicked out of college together but that's a different, more interesting story...). So H decided that she does not want to be friends with A anymore for a variety of reasons and told me she was thinking of writing A a long letter letting her know and detailing why. I told H that I considered that to be the easy way out and very hurtful and that I haven't appreciated when it has been done to me. H rethought it and offered to go on a walk with A to talk about things. A said that she already had a sense that H didn't want to be friends with her and that a walk wasn't necessary. H said that if A changed her mind and did want to meet in person that H was always open to it and wished A well. A then said that she appreciated that and wished H well. I was really relieved that A did not get a long letter telling her all the ways she sucks. Such details are only hurtful and very overwhelming imo.

[DapperButch]

I have always felt that the right thing to do when you are breaking up with someone is to do it face to face. I perceive it as giving the person and the relationship the respect it deserves. I never guessed anyone would prefer email. That would be so much easier!

[PoeticSilence]

I think time is really the best thing for me. I've had my share of breakups, whether they were my decision or the other persons decision, and as long as there wasn't a lot of deception and intentional pain being dealt, I think time is the perfect healing medicine. Now if there was circumstances that include deception, I find that even if you give these people a chance to come clean, they will never do it. You can't ever really get closure from that person. You can only hope that over time, it will begin to hurt less and eventually you can get past it. I've never found that it's an excuse to not trust someone else though.

[GeeGina]

With respect to those who seek it, I've never been someone who needed "closure". Reason is that I prefer to just go forward and get on with my life. Seeking closure only makes me feel like a part of me - even a small part - is still living in the past, giving that someone who hurt me more power than they deserve.

Heartbreak is like a hangover - everyone's got their own unique cure that works for them. So, do whatever you need to get yourself healthy and centered again!!

[Kurt]

With respect to those who seek it, I've never been someone who needed "closure". Reason is that I prefer to just go forward and get on with my life. Seeking closure only makes me feel like a part of me - even a small part - is still living in the past, giving that someone who hurt me more power than they deserve.

Heartbreak is like a hangover - everyone's got their own unique cure that works for them. So, do whatever you need to get yourself healthy and centered again!!

Love that last line...perfectly stated..

[Ginger]

Great thread, and interesting posts!

I guess for me, "closure" just means, something is closed.

I close a door, and walk away from the closed door, and I'm okay with it being closed and I don't have an urge to keep opening it—as if I'd find something that wasn't there before, if I did.

The opposite of closure is a very unsatisfying place to be in. It's like standing in front of the empty refrigerator; opening it, seeing nothing there, then opening it again—still nothing there—and continuing to compulsively open it and reliving the disappointment that there is nothing there, over and over.

Closure, for me, means closing the door and walking away, letting go of false hope, accepting that some things will never be resolved, never make sense, accepting that I can't make myself known or even seen clearly sometimes—and it feels good to walk away from that struggle and agree not to waste more of my life on it.

Others have talked about the triggers that delay closure, the artifacts that are left when a relationship ends. I like to set them free, let those things out into the world.

I give away gifts from an ex, unless they remind me of feeling loved; not in a self-destructive, pining kind of way, but in a strong way, a way that feels validating.

[Violette]

Thanks again, everyone for your insight. I feel I have closure. Just in the healing process...which is a beautiful and sometimes painful thing, but ever so enriched by it in the end.


:stillheart:

[MysticOceansFL]

Well here is my example of what happened to me I had to break it off with my ex of six years her and I were married and its never an easy thing to do her and I went to counseling a few times but anyway the cause was that I had no trust with her. But I never sent her an email her and I talked about it and it was mutual and I don't stay in contact with her.

[BoDy*ShOt]

...Closure, for me, means closing the door and walking away, letting go of false hope, accepting that some things will never be resolved, never make sense, accepting that I can't make myself known or even seen clearly sometimes—and it feels good to walk away from that struggle and agree not to waste more of my life on it.

this is perfect and will go on my proverbial mirror.

:stillheart:

[DMW]

Stop answering emails and phone calls.

[DMW]

Also, delete voicemails before they play.

I learned that sometimes I can't assist an ex in
their grieving process and letting go.
I learned that sometimes in order to get a clear mind I require
distance from their pain and their loss.
I learned that sometimes i had to be
really selfish and respect and love myself above all others and
try and get space in order to hear my own voice again.
I learned that once I decided that I was not going to
go back. That i had to "drop the rope"

Good luck

[imperfect_cupcake]

closure for me does not happen like closing a door. It's many many stages of closure.

It's almost two years ago my wife left and I'm still struggling to deal with what happened. I'm still angry. I still miss who she used to be. I still miss the incredibly good parts of our partnership... in terms of it being "us" not "her"

I took some time away. I just got in contact with her to just say I'm still around, don't know if I can talk yet. still angry.

She came back with a happy email of great news and stuff that just brought up a bunch of bile for me. She has very obviously been able to move on. And I've been very slowly trying to piece myself back. And wondering how long it will be until I'm able to trust anyone.

I would like to be friends but I dunno. I asked her for an apology for her choices or at least and aknowlegement it *WAS* a choice. rather than "oh it just happened, I didn't plan it, I'm sorry you got hurt blah blah."

when I hear that from her, I dunno maybe it might help me to get past it? Maybe not. Maybe I'll still be fucking angry for a long time anyway. But I at least told her what I needed from her if she does want to be friends.

other relationships? I say goodbye. I say goodbye in the way you say good bye to dead people. The relationship is dead. I write a letter and burn it. I take time for myself. I can't be around the other person. I know they want to be friends like, a week later, cause they miss me. you know what? that's what happens when things die. you miss them.

I try and do my work and I don't ask them to do my work for me. I write and write. and in stages, little things close. like a wall with a thousand doors. over time and work, one little door will close.

Sometimes I'm scared to close some of those little doors because I'm scared. scared that there won't be anything on the other side of all those hurt feelings. that there is just nothingness. and something is better than nothing.

It's a long, slow process that only I can give myself.

[Nic]

Don't have any "breaking up" experiences so "closure" is a foreign concept. Read something a friend of mine wrote that seems appropriate though.

Letting Go

"Letting go requires you to respect and love yourself enough to deny another person continued access to you when that access causes you to respect or love yourself less than you should.

Letting go requires that you accept the other person exactly as they are in that moment. Accept that they are who, what, and where they should be and that their life is about them, not about you.

Letting go requires that you come to terms with your different levels of apology. It's inevitable that you won't get the relief you're hoping for if/when either of you apologizes. Apology isn't just a set of words. It's a process that develops into something over time. It can't happen in any timeframe but its own.

Letting go requires living in the world that exists rather than in the world you wish existed. Don't allow false hope to lure you into a fantasy world, especially if you have experienced the hope-loss-hope cycle with that person before. Don't invent a fictional future where the other person will magically turn back into the person you met and fell in love with if some set of parameters changes. Live in the moment you have and stay away from the past and the future. The past is over and the future isn't any of your business yet.

Letting go requires being honest, no matter how ugly that can get. Don't spend time idealizing. Human beings aren't fantasy creatures. If physical or psychological harm is being done to you, walk away and stay away. Period. Don't go back thinking that you can love the problem away. You can't sweep something huge like that under a mental rug and think it won't grow into something bigger there in the dark.

Letting go requires acknowledging that your experiences, both during and at the end of the relationship, were different. Neither of you can move on if you're busy holding the door open between you for the purpose of sustaining an ongoing round of arguments or grief sharing.

Most importantly, letting go requires believing that no matter how intolerable things might feel in the moment, it's just a moment. Life goes on. You can't get caught up in the fact that it's going to go on without the person you love(d). You can't get caught up in how quickly or slowly they move on compared to you. Things are just going to go on differently, that's all. Not badly. Just differently. It takes some getting used to but, chances are, you've survived harder things."

[Amber2010]

Break ups are one of the hardest things I think we have in this world. Sometimes it makes us think why do we even try? When things are good they are so so good. We are smiling even in our sleep. When things start to go it is sometimes so gradual that we are shocked that what made you feel like the happiest person in this world could have ended. I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for four years. I really don't think anyone ever means to hurt someone you truely love; it is just that we change, life changes and what we want changes with time. You try to keep things and compromise but sometimes you just can't.
On a phone hearing each others voices you want to try again. The love is there so you think that will be enough.
Finally an e-mail "letter" is in order. The other person can not make excuses why they are doing what they are or that things will get better in time.
Getting rid of all ways of contact like changing cell phone numbers and taking them off your facebook, e-mail list and getting rid of all pictures, e-mails etc is the very last step. I agree that is the hardest step. Knowing why you broke up doesn't always help it still hurts the pain is still raw. They say time makes it less painful. Maybe unless the memories kick in.
Maybe learning to love ourselves and believe that we did everything we could but sometimes it is just time to let go and know we are not bad people it is just bad siturations. Maybe that helps?

[~baby~doll~]

Great thread! Thank you.
Closure is an interesting topic. It comes in so many ways and happens to me in my place of peace. in the house is a prayer or spiritual space. i recently experienced the death of a dear friend and lover. i hurt to the core. i visited my inner goddess and found my center. it was necessary to focus my energies and take back the shards which broke away by her death. The process has taken months and still continues.
It has been a slow walk through memories and images. i have come to a place where i no longer weep and mourn but find her at peace in my mind.
i believe i have once and for all kicked out the demons who would drag me back into painful mourning.

[Scots_On_The_Rocks]

I do my best to have that one last convo with the person I am needing closure with, but if that is not an option, I write a letter to that person and then burn it.

[betruetoyoursoul]

Great thread! Thank you.
Closure is an interesting topic. It comes in so many ways and happens to me in my place of peace. in the house is a prayer or spiritual space. i recently experienced the death of a dear friend and lover. i hurt to the core. i visited my inner goddess and found my center. it was necessary to focus my energies and take back the shards which broke away by her death. The process has taken months and still continues.
It has been a slow walk through memories and images. i have come to a place where i no longer weep and mourn but find her at peace in my mind.
i believe i have once and for all kicked out the demons who would drag me back into painful mourning.

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss, may your precious memories help you get through the difficult times...Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

[Hominid]

The wild swing to, "maybe it's because she loves me so much and is hurt?" -
Self delusion is such a mind fuck!!

[starryeyes]

I learned that we don't really need closure. I thought I did, and did some really self destructive things trying to obtain it, and never really got it. After I started working on myself, I realized the only thing I could control was myself... And the "closure" wasn't necessary. What was that closure going to give me? Was it going to make me feel better?? Was it going to close the gaping wound in my heart (or tear it back open??). The only thing trying to get closure gave me was more grief and despair.

From someone who has been there, and back.... Take it from me. Move on, find things you enjoy and live your life. It's the only thing that will relieve what you are feeling and IT DOES GET BETTER (I promise)

<3

[Hominid]

Sometimes one never gets closure! One just has to trudge forward and hope for the best. I watched friends as they 'parted ways' and the thing that always baffled me was the fighting over possessions. That I will NEVER understand! When my relationship ended, I mourned that, NOT the lost of any possession! You can always buy another set of sheets, CD, DVD, or towel, a new relationship, not so much!

Yes, I admit that adds to the hurt - I'm trying to deal with a very intense love and responses are about materialism. Not necessarily evil (again trying to find the elusive sunny side) - maybe the feelings were long gone. But I suppose I would care about the feelings of anyone, whether I loved them anymore or not.

[~ocean]

This might seem far fetched to comprehend ~ closure comes with the next "Hello" between you both ~ time does heal wounds :) ~ enjoy your life ! after all it is for the living :)

[TruTexan]

I'm NOT going to waste my head space in trying to figure it all out, Just move on forward and don't look backwards. Keep on keeping on, my own sanity is what is most important to me and in keeping my head sane in thoughts, then I must let go of all that has passed, including the material things I can replace.

[The JD]

I once made a "break-up" diorama with Lego people to help with closure, or at least to turn the anger over such a ridiculous break-up into ridiculous art.

The healing for me always comes when I'm too busy being engaged in my own life to think about it. I've had a break-up where I felt like the healing would happen when she acknowledged the ways in which she hurt me. I imagined the kind of Hollywood scene where people suddenly grow up and see the harm they've done and take responsibility for it. And amazingly, I even got that moment several years later. But I didn't need it, because I'd already healed on my own. What's more, had she given me that acknowledgment and apology before I was healed, it wouldn't have healed me or given me closure. That's something I can only give to myself.

I know I've got closure when I can feel compassion again, instead of anger or disgust. That doesn't mean I always reach out when I feel it, though. I need to have compassion for myself too, and that sometimes means leaving the past in the past.

[JDeere]

Delete all pictures, emails, voicemails, etc off everything electronic device I own.

And just delete them from life.

[Hominid]

Delete all pictures, emails, voicemails, etc off everything electronic device I own.

And just delete them from life.

For me, that requires a level of disregard I can't summon for someone I care(d) for so much, and made promises to honor. Just because she can forego promises, I don't have to be that person.

Then again, most everyone I know wants to smack me in the head.

[JDeere]

For me, that requires a level of disregard I can't summon for someone I care(d) for so much, and made promises to honor. Just because she can forego promises, I don't have to be that person.

Then again, most everyone I know wants to smack me in the head.

I get the same reaction, about people wanting to smack me in the head.

It is easy for me to do what I do because I have been used and abused, lied to, cheated on so much, that once I am done, I am DONE.

[Hominid]

Yes - maybe I'll get there. However, with one exception, there is no ex I would not talk to if she said she needed to talk. And actually, even that one, if she came to me in kindness and vulnerability, I would probably talk to. I may very well reach that point with this particular one if my greatest fears about her turn out to be true (and my greatest fears, one by one, have been getting confirmed).

[Medusa]

Ok Folks. We are getting reported posts from this thread.

Let's be very clear: If you have dated someone on this site, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO POST ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR BREAKUP DRAMA. I have already deleted one post and will delete others that talk about breakups or other people on this site.

Our TOS is very clear about drama and breakup postings. They don't belong on the site. It creates a lot of drama and a negative atmosphere for all of the other people trying to participate here.

Thanks,
Angie

[VintageFemme]

For me, if a relationship doesn't end amicably, if there was deception or anger or anything that's negative, and thankfully I've only had one or two of those breakups, in my experience it's just time that heals the pain and gives me closure. People are so quick to jump from relationship to relationship without giving themselves and their hearts time to heal and truly have that closure. When you invest so much of yourself emotionally in someone else, that doesn't end with the flick of a switch like a light. It takes time and you are hurting yourself if you don't give you that time.

If however that relationship does end on good terms for whatever reason, then again in my experience, it's just a conversation that needs to be had. Sharing all of those emotions together and understanding what had happened or didn't happen. Creating yet another connection but this time to disconnect if that makes sense. You were with that person for a reason and remembering that reason is key to maintaining your own sense of value and worth.

Once again, based on my experience if you are negative and closed off. If you delete all that they were to you from your life. If you erase everything you were together, you are merely putting a bandaid on the wound and it will never heal. At some point and usually the most inconvenient moment in your future, that bandaid is going to rip off and you will be faced with that unhealed wound and be forced to either deal with it or find another bandaid. And bandaids are a temporary fix at best and should be used very cautiously.

[Contessa]

Life is too short to be bitter and angry. Bitterness and anger just festers and is bad for your health. I say, just let it all go. Wish them well...and mean it. Move forward; not backward. If you're able to be friends, great; if not, that happens..It's life. Keep looking ahead. Peace.