"Adult Only" or "Childless Weddings"

[Medusa]

I was looking at Facebook earlier and someone I know had posted about how they wouldn't be attending someone's wedding because they "didn't have a babysitter and couldn't go to the "adults only" wedding".

It read a little like the person was feeling irritated about the wedding being "adults only".

I'm curious, what do you think of "adults only" wedding space? I know we have a thread about kids in restaurants but this discussion feels different since people paying for a wedding are paying to create an experience for themselves (and their guests) and not just buying a plate of food (more of a short-term investment both in time and money).

Do you think people get to dictate who is attending their wedding if they are paying for that? Or do you think it's classist to say "no children" at a wedding? Have you attending an "adult only" wedding? Was your experience different than attending one with kids?

Curious! Curious!!

[candy_coated_bitch]

I will preface this by saying I do not have children, nor do I ever want any. I am not entirely child friendly LOL.

I do not see anything wrong with having an "adults only" wedding. I think that a wedding (depending on the people, but whatever) is a very personal event. Period. Whoever the couple wants or doesn't want at their wedding is their prerogative. Some people have big weddings and some people have very small weddings with only very select people in their lives. That's their choice. But people get so butthurt over weddings.

I personally find loud, unruly, screaming children very intrusive. Especially if it's an evening/night wedding? OMG, add overtired to that? I'd be miserable.

Classist? Meh. Maybe. It sucks if you're strapped and can't pay for a babysitter, or find one, and you can't go to an event. But again, it's a CLOSED, personal event. They don't HAVE to make it accessible for everyone. Even if it's classist, or racist, or ableist or any -ist--the couple gets to decide that. They get to decide that they want only clowns at their wedding.

I often have to miss things I want to go to because I'm actually extremely poor. It's hard. But that's life. I think not being able to go to every single thing you want to attend is kind of the sacrifice you make in being a parent.

[Bard]

our reception was audults only because of the cost we still had some kids and that was fine but desd comes from a very large family and with lots of young cousins it could have been to much and we were limited on how many people we could have. the wedding was open to all and on the invite we had a adults reception it worked out well for us but we were worried about offending family. but people understood heck at 40 a person its hard. the kids that were there for both my daughter and our ring bearers and one close friends little girl they had a blast and were well behaved. the kids that came to the wedding also were well behaved

[DapperButch]

I see nothing wrong with having an adult only wedding.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Personally i wanted all of my friends and family at my weddings...for *me* i think marriage is about family and that includes the kids.

I also get limited incomes and not wanting unruly children....truly a personal choice. I don't judge anyone's choice.

[Kelt]

I also see nothing wrong with it. The people paying for the party get to pick who comes whatever their criteria. I would however stipulate that if they invite parents who cannot or don't wish to bear the extra expense of having a sitter choose not to attend, they should not be offended.

I don't think an invitation should be seen as an obligation. That is what the R.S.V.P. is for.

[always2late]

I don't see anything wrong with having an "adult only" wedding. Actually not including children is practical if you are having your wedding at a venue where you are paying per person. Including everyone's children can be very costly. Also, most of the wedding receptions I've attended didn't begin until the early evening, and continued on until the early morning (not exactly child-friendly hours).

[LaneyDoll]

I have three kids and I am not offended by an "adults only" wedding. Weddings are expensive and if someone forks out all that cash for one, they should get the dream wedding they want.

I attended a wedding once where the flower girl and the ring bearer stole the show by kissing as they sat on the steps leading to the staged area. Yes it was cute. But they started kissing more intently, mouths closed obviously, and the entire audience was in hysterics.

The bride told me later that she was pretty troubled over all the laughter because she did not know that was going on. She only heard the people literally laughing at her wedding. And, that commotion translated to the video so she lost $$$ on that investment as well.

People get so offended easily these days. It is not that someone hates "your" children. It is merely that they want their day to go smoothly.

"your" as a general term

EDIT TO ADD: and realistically, my kids would probably prefer to be at their grandmother's house anyway ;)

:sparklyheart:

[Gráinne]

I too have three kids (one with Downs') and would not be offended. I've attended several adult weddings, and enjoyed not having to corral the kids everywhere or watch their behavior.

In my own wedding, I hired a babysitter and a room for all the kids to go color/play. Two of my bridesmaids had nursing babies, so they had to come.

[not2shygrrl]

It seems that no matter the intent for leaving kids out of invites for a wedding....inevitably someone(s) in the family are insulted. In my family, and I stress ~my family~ leaving the kids out is something we don't do. The celebration is something when discussed at a later time the kids can also add in their good time and memories. Most caterers will accommodate kids if its a deal breaker. It was tried unsuccessfully once and has not been tried again at this point. I don't have kids, but if I did and if they were not invited....I would not attend. This includes the informal weddings up to the most formal. Nor would I be nasty about it.

[Breathless]

I have children, and I take no offence to adults only wedding . I kind of take offence to people taking offence?!? It is their money, and a lot of it, they should be able to spend how they choose. Their special day. It is not about you, and they loved you enough to invite you to share in it, be thankful :-) besides they are already stressed out about the mom/ dad/stepdad new super young wife family drama, don't add to it!!

**** you is generic, no really it is :)

[imperfect_cupcake]

at my goodbye party in england I asked that it be childfree. It was an afternoon event but it was the very last time I got to see most of my friends. I did not want to have to control my language nor watch what came out of my mouth (some of us were sex workers and many of us were into kink/bdsm and the jokes were not childfriendly). It was my last day with these people. I did not know if I'd ever see some of them again. I did not want to have to edit myself.

Once of my friends asked to bring her three boys. I said the above but added "if it's ok that they play in the next room with the door closed and music on, then that's fine. but you are aware of the adult conversation that will be taking place, because of some of our employment, right?"

she did not respond nor did she come, nor did we speak till I had been in canada for a couple of months. I think she was upset or pissed off. I was sad that she did not come but really, really... last day with people I had known for ten years. no. My conversations with them are not going to be child friendly.

There were kids at my wedding. and at my reception. it's up to the parent. they know what we are like. There were games and prizes that were not child friendly. It's amsterdam ffs. the few kids were taken upstairs by the parents that it mattered to. The kids were kept on a very short leash and put to bed very early. The party went to 4am. I woke up in the bed with five little stuffed sheep and my wife and don't recall getting there.

I figured it would be the parents job to make sure the kids stayed out of trouble, behaved and not see things they weren't supposed to. This happened.

If people want kid free weddings, I can understand, completely - perhaps their friends have kids that will be expected to accomodate them. But our wedding was not exactly child friendly and we did not make it to be so - there was no provisions made for them aside from a room upstairs that could be used to put them in away from the drinking, smoking, pot, dirty toasts, games with chocolate genitals as prizes, filthy drunk speeches later... a couple people dancing in their underwear with glued on fake moustaches to their crotches. it was the guests choice to bring the kids.

[Martina]

If you are making people travel, then I would expect them to bring their kids. If the kids have come a long way, it is rude to expect them to be babysat in a hotel room. I say create a separate space with fun stuff for them to do with a few parents and others sacrificing some party time to supervise. Or, make the reception later at night, when kids are asleep, and make sure that the kids have fun stuff to do all day.

I am all for adult only events, but I am not for making life hard for people with families.

I personally think that holding weddings at distant places where practically everyone invited has to travel to is asking a lot. If you are going to do that, then make sure everyone who makes the effort to be there has a good time.

[GraffitiBoi]

When my ex fiance and I were planning our wedding we wanted everyone to be able to attend, including their children, but we also knew there were some instances where we thought it best if children under a certain age were not allowed to attend. We arranged for there to be a separate room with free day care for the children to go to during these times (we were covering the cost). This way our friends who couldn't find, couldn't afford, or didn't want to hire babysitters could still come and enjoy the day with us. We weren't going to ban children from the ceremony, we only asked that if they were unruly or caused a disturbance that the parents please take them outside.

[Blade]

I've been to wedding where there were no kids. I don't know if that was by design or because the parents realized that it would be an inappropriate event for their kids, such as biker weddings.

I think it is perfectly ok for a bride/groom to request no children at their wedding, for whatever reason or for no reason at all.

I've seen kids at weddings that stole the show and were the life of the party. I've also seen kids at weddings that should have been taken outside and given something to cry about. Then there is the restless kid that can't be still for 20 minutes, and the crying baby that the Mom won't take outside.

So yeah I think is to each his/her own as to how they want their wedding handled in all aspects of it.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I love love love to attend weddings, I love them even more when they are kid free, not because I don't like kids, but because sometimes I love adult time more than time with kids in it....

[*Anya*]

I raised two children and have 5 grandchildren (yikes).

I have gone to a couple of weddings with children and a couple without.

No children please!

Please.

There is nothing like talking, crying and screaming kids while straining to hear vows or having children running around the reception.

Nothing like it at all.

[bright_arrow]

I remember my cousin having an adult-only wedding, and being 16, I was mighty offended! But, eh, whatever.

We did go adult-only reception due to limit of people and costs, mostly. Open bar, and 4 hour reception, and all my family staying in the hotel with us were other reasons.

I admit, I was a bit pissed when people RSVP'd 4 people [with their kids].. but I figured someone was bound to do it.. And when I had 23 people not show [and not return my calls/texts] and lost the $40 p.p. on people who DID RSVP and didn't show.. Hell.

Not sure what was more awkward, telling people it was adults-only or figuring out a polite way to ask for cash gifts [as we already owned a house and all the crap we needed to go with it!]

[aishah]

my tolerance for "child-free" spaces is very limited (and for the record, i don't have or want kids). i do not believe people are entitled to child-free spaces and i see it as a part of a larger social problem the way children are treated in our society. that said, i get that people have an attitude of "it's my personal private party and i should get to exclude whomever i want." so, whatever. i would not attend a child-free wedding on principle, just like i wouldn't attend a gay-free wedding or a black-free wedding or an elder-free wedding or any other wedding that excluded an entire group of people. i do think that offering childcare or child-friendly activities at the wedding could be a nice compromise.

[Apocalipstic]

I work a lot of weddings and a lot of it is cost related. People spend so much money and they might want an elegant adult evening on rented chairs, rented tables, linen they will have to replace of it is damaged. I've seen so many weddings where no one is minding the kids and they run around tying chairs to tables with napkins, filling salt shakers with ketchup, locking all the bathrooms from inside. I've even seen centerpieces caught on fire by budding pyros.

On the other hand, weddings be a wonderful family event with good planning.

Its about how the people getting married want to enjoy their special day. Its not about what is convenient for the guests and about who might be offended

[jac]

Having three kids, grandkids, and soon to have a step-daughter I see no reason not to have a family-friendly wedding. However, I also get the point of an adult only wedding too. I think they do have the right to have it either way. If we were invited to an adult only wedding I'm certain unless it was agreed upon that we get a babysitter, that we wouldn't be going. But really, I don't see why we wouldn't... we don't get too many adult only invites anyway so it would be a treat to whoop it up and not have to be concerned with caring for a child. It's really no different than going to a club for the night and partying. :blink:

[easygoingfemme]

An adult only wedding might have made my life difficult when my daughter was younger, but that's not the fault or problem of the folks throwing the wedding. I'd see no reason to take offense.

My brother, who generally lacks tact and all social graces, had an adult only wedding, but somewhere someone gave him and his wife the idea to hire a sitter to have at the hotel next door, and they did that. There were a number of travelers and that made it possible for them to come and not have to make multi-day care arrangements for their kids. The uncomfortable part came when they asked my daughter to be part of the wedding and stay for the reception, so there I was with my kid, and others couldn't have their kids with them, and she was the only kid. A little awkward but it wasn't the end of the world.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Well, pretty much, Jac. pubs and clubs are not child friendly and no one expects them to be. I had DJ's from amsterdam, manchester and london... so.. the tone was not for kids...

[Apocalipstic]

I have a hard time with the notion that weddings are for and about the guests.

[Apocalipstic]

Ok, so this one time....at band camp...

Just kidding!

I worked a wedding last night, with kids who were seem behaved. It was very elegant, until a diaper was changed at...yes, at...a table.

[Martina]

I have a hard time with the notion that weddings are for and about the guests.

Yes and no. It is the couple's day, and they are spending a heck of a lot on it. But guests are often traveling and spending a fair amount of time and money on the event. For some folks, it's a money they might not be able to easily afford. But they do because they care. When I worked at a library (low pay), a couple of closely spaced weddings could decimate my vacation time and discretionary income. Yet I knew I'd regret it if I didn't attend.

So while it certainly is not ABOUT the guests, couples who make it unnecessarily hard on guests are not being kind.

My cousin's son arranged to pick up relatives at the airport, paid for hotel rooms for those who could not afford them, and so on. I think that if you want loved ones at your wedding, you DO think about how not to make it a hardship on them.

As much as I love friends and relatives, there does come a point at which I will say no. A friend who required guests to fly into a remote area of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and then do primitive camping for two days got a no. I love him, and the wedding pictures were beautiful. But -- for me -- that was too much. I think they had a great time, but I never regretted it. (You could see guests swatting mosquitos in some of the pics.)

[willow]

At the last wedding I attended there were lots of children (the bride had 2 of her own) Enough provision was made for them to prevent boredom without making the day all about the kids. They were seated at kid tables. This allowed them to feel grown up and their parents to enjoy a break from their offspring while still being close enough to supervise. The kids were given jobs such as handing out wedding favours and sweets. There were bubbles on the tables.... lots of little things like that.

I've also attended adult only weddings/events.

Personally I have no preference other than the kids aren't allowed to run wild and cause havoc.

At the end of the day a wedding is supposed to be all about the couple getting married. It is supposed to be their special, once in a lifetime day. They deserve to have what they want. The couple make their choices and neither them nor their guests need be offended or upset by those choices.

So if it's adults only and you can't go because you don't have a sitter then you don't go and the couple need to accept that not everyone with children will be able to go whether they want to or not.

Only when there is resentment or bloody mindedness does it have to be a issue.

"I don't believe kids should be excluded so I'm not going if the kids can't go"

"I wanted just one day all about us without kids disrupting things"

Grandma would say "a wedding isn't a wedding unless someone falls out with someone else" Hmmm.... dunno about that one grandma, but it was certainly true where my family is concerned. http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m225/maritajan/smileys/girliepopcorn.gif

[imperfect_cupcake]

Yes and no. It is the couple's day, and they are spending a heck of a lot on it. But guests are often traveling and spending a fair amount of time and money on the event. For some folks, it's a money they might not be able to easily afford. But they do because they care. When I worked at a library (low pay), a couple of closely spaced weddings could decimate my vacation time and discretionary income. Yet I knew I'd regret it if I didn't attend.

So while it certainly is not ABOUT the guests, couples who make it unnecessarily hard on guests are not being kind.

My cousin's son arranged to pick up relatives at the airport, paid for hotel rooms for those who could not afford them, and so on. I think that if you want loved ones at your wedding, you DO think about how not to make it a hardship on them.

As much as I love friends and relatives, there does come a point at which I will say no. A friend who required guests to fly into a remote area of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and then do primitive camping for two days got a no. I love him, and the wedding pictures were beautiful. But -- for me -- that was too much. I think they had a great time, but I never regretted it. (You could see guests swatting mosquitos in some of the pics.)

I didn't expect my guests to come, really. My parents could not fly from canada to amsterdam, nor could my friends. My friends in england could not afford the airfare and the bus, though very affordable, is a 12 hour drive. Most people I know in London do not have cars. You don't need a car.

So I had three guests from london (plus DJs). That's it. I was find with that. I wanted my wedding in Amsterdam, I wanted a marriage not a civil partnership, and frankly I wanted to be married in Holland. I missed my mom and dad pretty badly, especially when I came down the stairs dressed to get in the cab to go to the civil service. Ink's Mom and Tante Ellen tried really hard to make me feel at home though. Ink was with her dad and brother and I was with her mom and auntie.

But I fully accepted that my choice about what I wanted for my wedding meant that the majority of of my guests would not be there. I was ok with it, given that 90% of my friends "don't believe in marriage" anyway.

[Apocalipstic]

The couple should have the choice and we should not take it personally.

[Ts_kaijira]

If it was about us, we would elope.
It is not. Trust me on this. Your memories of this day are photo's, comments, and pictures. It a surreal moment in your history.

I know. I have done this 3 times. I remember very little of the day(s). It is all about the photographs, the 2 min with each person at a table, and not at all about food, or songs, or anything. This is a big day. Your want to share with Hym or hir. you need to share it with family.

I had my last wedding at Disneyland. Of course they have babysitters extraordinaire. Worked out great. Not as expensive as I would have thought.

For me, excluding children was not an option. If it is not for you, and you know who you are. go for family peace and if you have no place for kids, well hire someone. I would have to. Damn, my Grandchildren keep having kids....

[Martina]

The couple should have the choice and we should not take it personally.

It's usually the couple who takes it personally when a family member or friend declines the invitation.

Just saying, yeah it's your day, but if you're already entitled, and you think having a wedding gives you permission to let it all out, god help your friends and relatives.

[thedivahrrrself]

I got married many years ago in a church that had a room for kids, and we provided free childcare to those attending. Worked out really well - many of our friends would not have come with a baby, or they would have had to pay a sitter, and it just seemed easier to have one there.

No crying kids, no hurt friends. Win-win.

Personally, I would not take my children under a certain age to a wedding. For the child's sake more than anyone else's. Those things are usually pretty boring for kids.

[not2shygrrl]

I would venture to say most weddings are not free of the drama, or embarrassment and/or shenanigans that are unwelcome! I am speaking of those who create drama, or by drunkenness can take the spotlight from the intended couple. Yup.....the adults!! Sometimes the adult drama is worse than if kids had attended. I agree with some statements in that separate accommodations for kids can be a deal breaker for attending or not, and I think its a great way for the happy couple to say we really want you to attend and share our day! Of course it is totally the choice of the couple who are getting married, that is a given! But they have a guest list for a reason, so as not to share this day with only each other! The chicken dance is absolutely no fun without kids participating IMO!! :soapbox:

Yanno, I went through the complete smiley list.......and not one wedding smiley exists!?? <le' sigh>

[Apocalipstic]

It's usually the couple who takes it personally when a family member or friend declines the invitation.

Just saying, yeah it's your day, but if you're already entitled, and you think having a wedding gives you permission to let it all out, god help your friends and relatives.

I've never wanted to get married.

I should have worded better. When we stop taking things personally, life is better. Weddings are so fraught with feelings and personalities. It seems like such an emotional cluster fuck.

I've worked so many weddings, I'm kind of jaded. Lol.

[Apocalipstic]

It's usually the couple who takes it personally when a family member or friend declines the invitation.

Just saying, yeah it's your day, but if you're already entitled, and you think having a wedding gives you permission to let it all out, god help your friends and relatives.

I've never wanted to get married.

I should have worded better. When we stop taking things personally, life is better. Weddings are so fraught with feelings and personalities. It seems like such an emotional cluster fuck.

I've worked so many weddings, I'm kind of jaded. Lol.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It can be if you are a control freak. I gave control over to other people so I didn't have to deal with any arguments about anything. And people *ate that up*

We had almost no money. People cooked the food, our friends gave us their house in the Jordan to have the reception in, the english DJs (friends of inks) donated their time as our wedding gift and we found them free couches to sleep on in Amsterdam. Inks english guests and mine, we got them a deal at a very inexpensive little boutique hotel and those that could not afford that, we found couches for.

When I arrived to Centraal Station with my GIGANTIC TRUNK of a wheelie suitcase, we walked through the snow and ice, dragging the bags to the house. It was hard work and it was stunning in Amsterdam with the fresh snow. Some of our guests got snowed in and had to stay longer.

When I arrived at the house this was the first thing I saw:

http://i413.photobucket.com/albums/pp213/Honeybarbara_photo/moremethanme-1.jpg

As a piss take for the front area display you can see from the little cobbled street, was this obnoxious pink pony they bought me as a wedding gift (!!!!!). I loved it. It whinnied and made clippy cloppy noises. Yes a couple drunk people wound up on it. More drunk people wore my veil though. I was amused.

they had done the whole bottom floor in white christmas trees of varying sizes, snow, pink and silver glitter, and pink, white, clear, silver and red christmas balls hung on fishing wire and strung with white fairy lights every where. Then my two hosts dressed up as Wedding Fairies with wings and old 80's punk outfits and Danish christmas hats.

they were at the wedding like that as ushers.

The cake, it cost me about £20 to make for 50 people and the top part is vegan. It's Matrimony Cake, prairie recipe from gramma and everyone LOVED it. It was hoovered in minutes. For decorations, I asked everyone to give me little toys that they had. My maid of honour took two of her My Little Ponies and adjusted them- she made one with a mohawk and butch (inks) and mine had a long tail of metalic butterflies. They were amazing, and it was her wedding gift to us.

My wedding dress: £10 matilan, wedding shawl £12 ebay, Veil made by my mother, wig £20 Dalston Market and I styled it myself, Shoes £30 internet shoe sale, stockings £15 but had to order from germany. I already owned the corset and underwear. Entire wedding outfit: £82. that's about $130? Inks was the same. She ordered from ebay, made stuff, and that's her Drag King tiarra. She wore glittering humming birds on her cheeks. She looked great.

http://i413.photobucket.com/albums/pp213/Honeybarbara_photo/TrouwerijFP.jpg

Weddings do not have to be traumatic or expensive. And it should reflect the couple. I loved my wedding. It was so *fun*
I never wanted a traditional marriage and I didn't have one. All our wedding savings were stolen and we had to do it everything, including the licence (300 euros) on £850. (about $1,350). All of our wedding gifts were people doing something for the wedding or donating to giving us a two day honeymoon in amsterdam.

I don't understand weddings that cost massive amounts. My marriage did not last. But at least I had a blast at my wedding and I didn't go in debt for it.

[Queenie]

Ah yes the adult only wedding!

My sister and I had to be around 7 and 9 when an older cousin of ours got married.
The both of us could go to the long and very boring Catholic church part of the wedding, but not the reception. It sucked knowing this. And it also sucked knowing that we'd have to spend the rest of the day with our 85 year old grant Aunt, learning how to play solitaire and watching a repeat of The love boat.

I can see the point of not having kids at your wedding. And then I can't.

[Apocalipstic]

It can be if you are a control freak. I gave control over to other people so I didn't have to deal with any arguments about anything. And people *ate that up*

We had almost no money. People cooked the food, our friends gave us their house in the Jordan to have the reception in, the english DJs (friends of inks) donated their time as our wedding gift and we found them free couches to sleep on in Amsterdam. Inks english guests and mine, we got them a deal at a very inexpensive little boutique hotel and those that could not afford that, we found couches for.

When I arrived to Centraal Station with my GIGANTIC TRUNK of a wheelie suitcase, we walked through the snow and ice, dragging the bags to the house. It was hard work and it was stunning in Amsterdam with the fresh snow. Some of our guests got snowed in and had to stay longer.

When I arrived at the house this was the first thing I saw:

http://i413.photobucket.com/albums/pp213/Honeybarbara_photo/moremethanme-1.jpg

As a piss take for the front area display you can see from the little cobbled street, was this obnoxious pink pony they bought me as a wedding gift (!!!!!). I loved it. It whinnied and made clippy cloppy noises. Yes a couple drunk people wound up on it. More drunk people wore my veil though. I was amused.

they had done the whole bottom floor in white christmas trees of varying sizes, snow, pink and silver glitter, and pink, white, clear, silver and red christmas balls hung on fishing wire and strung with white fairy lights every where. Then my two hosts dressed up as Wedding Fairies with wings and old 80's punk outfits and Danish christmas hats.

they were at the wedding like that as ushers.

The cake, it cost me about £20 to make for 50 people and the top part is vegan. It's Matrimony Cake, prairie recipe from gramma and everyone LOVED it. It was hoovered in minutes. For decorations, I asked everyone to give me little toys that they had. My maid of honour took two of her My Little Ponies and adjusted them- she made one with a mohawk and butch (inks) and mine had a long tail of metalic butterflies. They were amazing, and it was her wedding gift to us.

My wedding dress: £10 matilan, wedding shawl £12 ebay, Veil made by my mother, wig £20 Dalston Market and I styled it myself, Shoes £30 internet shoe sale, stockings £15 but had to order from germany. I already owned the corset and underwear. Entire wedding outfit: £82. that's about $130? Inks was the same. She ordered from ebay, made stuff, and that's her Drag King tiarra. She wore glittering humming birds on her cheeks. She looked great.

http://i413.photobucket.com/albums/pp213/Honeybarbara_photo/TrouwerijFP.jpg

Weddings do not have to be traumatic or expensive. And it should reflect the couple. I loved my wedding. It was so *fun*
I never wanted a traditional marriage and I didn't have one. All our wedding savings were stolen and we had to do it everything, including the licence (300 euros) on £850. (about $1,350). All of our wedding gifts were people doing something for the wedding or donating to giving us a two day honeymoon in amsterdam.

I don't understand weddings that cost massive amounts. My marriage did not last. But at least I had a blast at my wedding and I didn't go in debt for it.

Fabulous! Esp pink pony!

Agree on really expensive weddings...why start "happily ever after" in massive debt?

[apretty]

I'm eager for a child-free personal space at any given time. Unless it's an exceptional, well-read and mannered child that's not extremely attached to a personal electronic device--but that applies to adults, too.

[Words]

HB, LOVE the description of your wedding.

O/our wedding in Vancouver was done on a budget too (all of it was arranged with Blue in the States and me in Israel so eBay was definitely O/our friend), and apart from U/us, the only people there were the marriage officiant and two volunteer witnesses (one of the first same sex couples to get married in Canada who acted as witnesses for couples from other countries). It was beautiful and although I know that both O/our familes would have liked to be present what mattered to U/us was that W/we were married even if, at that point, W/we were unable to live in the same country.

So, my view on adult only/childless weddings is no different to my view on weddings in general, i.e., that folks should respect the wishes of the couple involved, be it in regard to the guest list, the venue, or any other aspect of the day. They don't have to 'approve', but they should at least respect the fact that it's not their day to plan.

Words

[Ginger]

I can't get past the fact that someone said she can't go to a wedding because she can't get childcare.

Usually you have a couple months or more lead time before a wedding. To be so isolated you can't find someone to watch your kids in that amount of time, or to not be able to save up for a few hours of childcare in that amount of time isn't that unusual, I guess. But wow. That feels harsh.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I can't get past the fact that someone said she can't go to a wedding because she can't get childcare.

Usually you have a couple months or more lead time before a wedding. To be so isolated you can't find someone to watch your kids in that amount of time, or to not be able to save up for a few hours of childcare in that amount of time isn't that unusual, I guess. But wow. That feels harsh.

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

[Martina]

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

I also know people who don't travel without their kids, and a lot of weddings require travel. Many people do not leave their young children for two days at a time. Friends of mine have a child with severe allergies, allergies that can be fatal. They prefer to supervise what their child eats. Leaving him with others requires a lot of training and a lot of faith. In my opinion a wedding may not be worth the worry.

[Martina]

Maybe I live a boring middle class life, but most people I know with kids do NOT live near their parents, so they are raising their kids more or less on their own. Not ideal, but common.

Nor do they necessarily live near siblings, cousins and dear friends. Many -- no, most -- have moved for jobs or spouse's jobs. So weddings almost always mean travel. My friends, whom I met in real time, when we all lived in the same town(s), now live all over the United States. The closest relative I have is seven hours away.

For many many people, serious back-up child-care -- the kind you trust your kids with overnight or for a couple of days -- is not down the street with an extended family member.

Leaving your young children overnight or for two nights with someone you are paying. . . . really iffy. And leaving your kids with friends for that length of time is a big BIG favor.

Traveling with kids is difficult. Traveling without them is often almost impossible.

[Nat]

I think people are totally within their rights to have whatever wedding suits the couple in question. And overtaxed moms the world over have a right to feel a bit butt-hurt to get an invitation in the mail from people who ostensibly know they won't be able to attend if the child can't come.

I have a vague recollection that childcare was offered at my long-ago wedding. It was at a church, and there was the option of paying for one of the church daycare workers to come in and baby-sit for a few hours. That might be an option to consider if a close friend or relative is stuck with sole responsibility for a kid and without the means to get a babysitter.

Anyway, I think both parties have a right to their feelings, but the main thing that could soothe ruffled feathers is an actual real conversation. And if neither party feels like talking, then maybe this is not a guest the happy couple actually wants at their wedding. Because people can and do move mountains to accommodate each other if it's worth it to them.

I like kids at weddings. But that's me.

[Martina]

In my personal experience and the experience of friends, it's not usually the guest who feels butt hurt. They may feel guilty. They may regret not being able to go. Usually, in fact, it's the happy couple . . . or one of them . . . who gets be upset when someone important to them cannot attend.

I have seen a lot of that. The wedding plans make it damned difficult for some people to attend -- those with kids, older or disabled people (my friends who had the wedding in the woods), or people with limited incomes (happens a lot).

Then when someone expresses their regrets, there is drama.

My opinion is that if you TRULY want people to attend your wedding, don't make it so damned hard. People do that alot. Have the wedding of your dreams, but if being there involves hardship for some of your guests, at least be understanding when they can't make it.

My cousin's son just got married, and they were incredibly gracious and helpful and had a lovely wedding. It can be done.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'll put my hand up and say I don't understand those feelings at all. people being super sad someone can't come - totally get. I felt a lot of that. pissed off and hurt? um... no? why? I truly don't understand why anyone would be angry/hurt that a guest could not come because of cost or lack of childcare. I honestly can't wrap my head around that.

My guess is that would happened mostly with people who have money to throw at weddings and thus not understand what it's like to be dirt poor and thus don't understand why they can't pay so it must be personal?

that's all I can grasp.

[Apocalipstic]

On the other hand, weddings can be expensive as hell and some couples plan what makes them happy for their special day. They invite friends and family knowing full well that not everyone will be able to attend, but wanting everyone to know they are welcome of they can make it.

I don't think it's the responsibility of the couple to plan a different day based on the finances of guests. Nothing wrong with a polite rsvp no, if they can't afford to go. I myself often can't afford things and I say no. It's not personal.

[Martina]

I don't understand it either, but I myself have personally RSVP'd no to several weddings and gotten phone calls afterward begging me to reconsider. People expressed their disbelief that I didn't pull out all the stops and make it to their wedding.

I have had a number of friends who have had this experience too. It's no small thing saying no to a wedding. And I guess it shouldn't be. A wedding is a big deal. If you can make it, you should.

I am just saying that if you have a wedding in Hawaii, don't expect your poor Aunt Mathilda to spend every dime of her savings getting there. But I have seen that over and again.

[Ginger]

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.


I wasn't saying they could save for a sitter and were choosing not to.

Or maybe that's not what you were saying I was saying (confusing, sorry).

Anyway, perhaps unnecessarily, I'll clarify and say, I was just saying, I feel bad for anyone in that situation who is isolated or without options.

I lived with someone with a kid for 2.3 years. We were very isolated, with no childcare options, and never did anything together, just us, for us. A wedding that excluded kids, we would have declined. It's a moot point now, but I'll always have more empathy for people in that situation because of it.

That said, I think people have a right to make their wedding be any kind of event they want, with kids, without, whatever. I would never resent that.

[Ravenouss]

I have never been to an “adult only” wedding. In fact, I had never even heard of it. Perhaps it is cultural. Where I come from, weddings are an all-inclusive family affair and everyone is expected to show up: grandparents, children, aunties, etc. Even neighbors!

In this country, however, I’ve grown accustomed to different weddings with invitations and RSVPs. Understandable: it is expensive to get married in the U.S. with all the expectations around it from the marrying parties to the attending guests. It is common to spend 20K, 40, 100k or more!

One’s wedding – even if one is swimming in cash -- is their own , and one has the right to invite whoever they want. I might be very sheltered, however, to think that I know no one who would exclude my children!

If I ever received an adult-only invitation, I would understand it. I would send a gift, offer my sincere best wishes for a life of happiness and politely decline to attend.

[Martina]

I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not wanting to travel when I did not have vacation time. So for one wedding, I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.) The next month was a joy -- financially.

People in the U.S. DO often expect a lot. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids.

That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissist?

[*Anya*]

I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not traveling when I did not have vacation time -- and would have had my pay docked. So I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.)

People in the U.S. DO often expect that. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids.

That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissists?

I do not think anyone is a narcissist for wanting a child-free wedding!

People have a right to have the wedding of their choice without judgments on wether or not they have a personality disorder or that something is wrong with them.

I feel this way even having raised two kids and having spent a good portion of their childhood with next to no money.

We all have the choice to attend any wedding without getting ourselves all upset if they don't want our little darlings present.

My 5 grandchildren are lovely and well-behaved. I am proud to take them anywhere but again, feel people have the right to the wedding of their dreams just as I have the right to attend or not.

[Peach]

I am not fond of children. I don't really enjoy spending time with them. When we were married, nobody in my family had young kids, the youngest were teenagers that were so excited about the wedding, I had them do the guestbook table, and greet guests as they arrived, and were thrilled to be a part of it. Not many of our friends had young kids, so it wasnt an issue.
Now though, my niece has two kids and her sister is expecting her first, my cousin has to two young kids, one of which is super hyper and needs to be the center of attention. If the wedding were now, I would have made it an adult only reception.
I see nothing wrong with adult only events.
I have edited this so many times as I found myself going on rants about kids, and really just dont want to offend or hurt the feelings of those with kids, so I think I will end it now LOL

[Ts_kaijira]

When there is family involved, and family who feel that their needs trump all, there is no resolving the fact that feelings will be hurt. Having almost lost communication with a family member over something similar, I have to say that you should hold firm to your convictions, find a way to communicate with little emotion, and just ride it out.

I paid a price for almost 10 years, but now all is well. Family is around for a
l o n g time. My next wedding will be children free.

[LaneyDoll]

When my sister and I were young, we went to a huge wedding with my mom. But, to be honest, we should not have been there.

Our family member was marrying into a different culture than we were raised in. The culture she married into celebrated weddings in a big way. There was lot and lots of food and alcohol and the party went well into the night. If I had attended the same wedding when I was in my 20's I probably would have had a blast ;)

Since the culture was different to us, the food was as well and it was too spicy for our undeveloped palates. We tasted what we had to but did not eat anything except the fruit that we recognized-watermelon. However it had been soaked in rum and we did not know that-at our age we would not have known what rum was anyway.

Because the wedding lasted so long and we did not like most of the food, we ate lots of watermelon because we were hungry. Finally someone had to tell my mom about the alcohol and she naturally took it away. The rum watermelon is one of two things that I really remember about the night. The other is being so tired that my sister and I fell asleep in a corner of the reception hall. I just wanted to go home. But, neither of us would have acted up in anyway. We were little china dolls in appearance and we were expected to act the same way. Seen, not heard. Speaking only when spoken to. Trust me, a formal wedding was not a stretch for us, behavior wise.

The rum watermelon story is a funny one now but in my eyes, the simple fact is that there are a lot of weddings that children should simply not attend and the wedding party should feel comfy in stating "adults only please."

:sparklyheart:

[Martina]

I do not think anyone is a narcissist for wanting a child-free wedding!


I didn't say that. What I object to -- and was criticizing as selfish -- is making attending a wedding a hardship while expecting, even demanding, that people you supposedly care about endure that hardship. I don't get that. It's not joyful or celebratory. Even though people I love have done it, the choice to do that is not something that I respect.

[Ravenouss]

I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events.
"I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess)

However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want.

And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events.
"I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess)

However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want.

And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home.



I believe that *older people* are adults.... Wanting an adult setting for one's wedding isn't a bad thing, a narcissistic thing, a selfish thing, an anything other than that is what the couple prefers..

*I* personally love love love *adult only space* I like to enjoy my time, my wine and if I choose to say or do something that could be deemed *vulgar* I can and not have to consider someone's sprout and what that sprout can and can't be around.


I feel if a couple wants that kind of space then it's perfectly fine since it is *their* day and *their* wedding and *their* preference. I am not understanding how this is not ok for adults to want to be around other adults... I come from a cultural background where children are acceptable at wedding if one chooses, I also come from a family that gets that some of us really do enjoy our "adult" space and it's ok to not have kids up one's ass.

[Ravenouss]

I believe that *older people* are adults.... Wanting an adult setting for one's wedding isn't a bad thing, a narcissistic thing, a selfish thing, an anything other than that is what the couple prefers..

*I* personally love love love *adult only space* I like to enjoy my time, my wine and if I choose to say or do something that could be deemed *vulgar* I can and not have to consider someone's sprout and what that sprout can and can't be around.


I feel if a couple wants that kind of space then it's perfectly fine since it is *their* day and *their* wedding and *their* preference. I am not understanding how this is not ok for adults to want to be around other adults... I come from a cultural background where children are acceptable at wedding if one chooses, I also come from a family that gets that some of us really do enjoy our "adult" space and it's ok to not have kids up one's ass.

I never said an adult only space is not ok. Would you please point that out to me if I have done so?

My point, I believe, despite English being my first language is very clear: "someone is getting married, they should chose whoever they want to attend!"

[The_Lady_Snow]

I never said an adult only space is not ok. Would you please point that out to me if I have done so?

My point, I believe, despite English being my first language is very clear: "someone is getting married, they should chose whoever they want to attend!"



*sigh*

I wasn't saying or implying you had, I even went as far as to send you a rep saying I was going to bounce off your post with a smiley face :) to clarify.


That's it just bouncing off a post. My bad..............

[Ravenouss]

*sigh*

I wasn't saying or implying you had, I even went as far as to send you a rep saying I was going to bounce off your post with a smiley face :) to clarify.


That's it just bouncing off a post. My bad..............

My bad for taking it personally. My apologies and thank you for the clarification.

[The_Lady_Snow]

My bad for taking it personally. My apologies and thank you for the clarification.



Thank you for the communication:)

[BullDog]

I personally love kids at weddings- unless they are crying/screaming during the ceremony (of course that goes for disruptive behavior by adults too). I love seeing all the different generations of people at a wedding- the more variety the merrier.

I have never received an invitation for an adult-only wedding, but it wouldn't influence my decision on whether to go or not. I do think it is up to the couple getting married. Hopefully when couples get married they are considerate of their guests while also having the ceremony that is meaningful to them. You will never be able to please or accommodate everyone.

[Ginger]

I can't believe how I blanked this out through this whole thread, but when I was living with someone who had a kid, we were invited to an adult-only wedding.

It was two gay guys getting married, one of whom, ironically, has a kid who was a teenager then (and is now just starting college, and I'm mentoring him and helped them through the registration process).

Anyway, we got invited to this adult-only wedding, and since we had no childcare options, we didn't go.

I regret not having gone by myself, and more than that, I regret having told the friend why we couldn't go, because he felt guilted into making an exception (not what I wanted), which we declined.

It can be so awkward, life. I really like being home alone. It feels so soothing. And these dilemmas we're talking about aren't trite. They bring up all kinds of cultural, social, class issues.

[BullDog]

I have to say I have seen many more problems at weddings (reception any way) caused by adults who have had too much to drink than I have kids misbehaving.

For me, a wedding without kids sounds kind of bland. However, it is up to the people getting married.

[Peach]

I was at a wedding where two unattended kids, ate the back half the wedding cake, peed on the dance floor, spit on some of the food and screamed bloody murder when the parents finally tried to contain them during the toasts. This was an adult only event, the parents figured they didnt REALLY mean it, and were shocked when asked to control their children. I put the blame on the parents, first for bringing the kids, then letting them run wild, and their lack of respect for the people getting married. When they watched their wedding video, all you can hear during her fathers toast, were those kids screaming nonononono. fun, not.

[Sweet Bliss]

I have never been to a wedding that was that fancy. I have only attended backyard weddings with friends and family. Not being a partier you could find me with infants and toddlers helping new moms.

I loved rocking them to sleep or reading stories. Always been good at calming fussy babes.

An invitation is just that. Not an edict. I would hope that not accepting would not be taken as a personal affront. (f)

[Peach]

I've been to both formal, and informal, some with kids some with none. The day belongs to those getting married, their wishes need to be honored, bottom line. As a guest, its isnt my place to say what should or shouldnt be. I went to one, was told what to bring (it was a pot luck reception) how much of it, where to shop for the food....I was told what to wear, organic fibers only.......what gift to bring, with them guessing as to my income, how much to spend! I sent a card, wished them well, and stayed home.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh totally, my friends make WAY more trouble than kids.

Which is why the reception was an adult only area. We didn't say this explicitly, and we did have the massive room upstairs,s for the kids on the floor between the master bedroom level and the ground floor dinning, reception, and kitchen.

We basically did what our parents did in the 70s. Back then you brought your kids to the party, put them in the basement with whatever games was their favourite, and the 2 oldest bascially got stuck with keeping mind.

At ours no toddlers/babies stayed past the first course of the buffet. They went home with their 2 mums.

The kids played upstairs, occasionally relatively soberish parent would check in. Slowly people went back to hotels, couches, guest rooms, etc with children.

but the adult only was not because kids cause damage LOL - I have caused far more damage than a child, I'm sure, in my 20s and early 30s, but BECAUSE we get *rowdy*
And more than likely someone is going to get naked at some point, and dance around like an idiot with mash potatoes on their arse (*yawn*), we did have to kick someone out for not being able to handle the pot in Amsterdam, And more than likely because there was quite a few UK club folk there, some form of unmentionables would be happening by one or two in the loo at some point and depending on their resulting state they might be mild and amusing people or guerning idiots I'd have to send home.

It was very, very fun, it did get messy, I broke a horse crop over inks arse at one point, I believe.

So... I don't think Adult Only Space is about having children "wreck" things. But about having "adult time to do adult things that kids would find boring or disturbing."

[kittygrrl]

I think it is up to the bride & her parents with the groom consulted..since it is the brides parents who will bear most of the cost of the wedding traditionally..it is a thoughtful addition to the invitation to include children if your budget permits but it's not a given. I consider most weddings adult affairs, as a general rule, and if you have a problem it is, don't go. RSVP of course.

[Mel C.]

I attended an Adult-only ceremony last year. I thought it was completely within the bride and groom's rights to decide whether they want children present (with the knowledge some parents may not be able to attend or may choose not to attend if they feel their children are being left out).

BTW, a couple brought their kid (maybe 8 years old) despite the bride and groom's request. THAT was classless.

[~ocean]

There's a time and place and if it's an all adult event so be it ~ it should be respected !