Taking a Risk to Visit Someone You Met Online

[anaisninja]

From another thread:
I'm flying to another state to meet my crush next week. I'm scared to death but what's the point of living if we don't risk it all for love.

Well I just got back from my trip last night. It didn't work out and I'm confused and hurt about it. It will take at least a week to process everything. Good thing I had a therapy appointment scheduled today.

I am mostly just posting this here for some good old fashioned sympathy.

It's amazing... things can be so great online, and then in person... not so much. Very sad, disappointed, frustrated, and angry. Blah...

I need a hug.

[anaisninja]

I am glad I went, in the sense that, at least I found out sooner rather than later. It still fucking sucks though.

[TruTexan]

Talking online to someone and even on the telephone or skype still isn't like the real thing and the reality doesn't set in to know them in real time until you meet them and see if you still have that chemistry going. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you , I wish you the best life has to offer. Remember, there are more fish in the sea, just keep an eye out you might find a real catch that the chemistry is really there between you two. Good luck in that regard, and Godspeed in your healing of your disappointment. Keep your head up and keep going forward, you'll feel better soon.

[Happyfemme]

It sounds like a very difficult situation. I'm glad you had someone to process with today. It's good that you realized quickly that it wasn't going to work well for you.

[Duchess]

anaisninja, I really feel for you. However, I'm happy for you that you actually met your friend. Now you know not to waste anymore of your time. Talking online and on the phone leaves much for the imagination. It's easy to make people and circumstances better than what they really are.

You're such a brave soul. Enlightenment is truly a gift.:rrose:


Duchess

[bokster]

Hi Anaisninja,

The important thing is that you had the courage to take that risk to find out for yourself. And the courage and grace to acknowledge and express the outcome.

For every "No" that we experience, there's bound to be a "Yes" that will happen someday.

I wish you a pleasant evening. :)

[Duchess]

anaisninja, please don't let this experience discourage you. There are many wonderful people on and off the net. You're taking a chance no matter how you meet. Big hugs to you sweetness.

Duchess

[*Anya*]

I am sorry it did not work out for you.

I think it is always worth risking your heart on love-regardless if around the corner or another state.

(((Big hug))).

:rrose:

[candy_coated_bitch]

I am also sorry you had a bad experience. Sometimes things online just don't translate into real time. I've been there. I feel you on the disappointment. I've also had some wonderful experiences with those I've met online. I think it's always worth it to take the chance! Thank goodness you know now and don't have to invest any more time.

I hope you try again. *hugs to you*

[Bard]

actually I met my wife online and when we met in person well it was amazing or rather she is

[BrutalDaddy]

Over the years, I've met a couple folks from online. Like you, didn't end well at all but it was a risk I took and in the end I was glad I did before the "fantasy" took over any sense of reality.

Then I saw a funny signature line on someone's profile that made me laugh on the old site and since I was having a really, really shitty day, I pmed her to thank her for the laugh cause I needed it.

She answered back.

Next year will mark ten years that we've been together.

Neither of us was looking for love or romance at ALL. We just got really lucky that we connected like we did. After all these years, she is seriously my best friend as well as my wife.

It can hurt like hell to have a crush then meet them and realize the fantasy doesn't match up with reality. So am sorry you had to experience that. Just know you're not alone in that regard. Tons of folks have that experience.

Just don't let it get you too down and know that they say there is someone for everyone out there.

Good luck to ya,
Brute.

[SirenManda]

I actually met my husband online also. But I met a few mistakes before, and I've learned that can be part of the journey. Putting yourself out there and showing you have courage to get out of your comfort zone may be what helps attract your soul mate later in life. Every mistake is just a stepping stone towards your true love.

[femmsational]

I think you're very brave and lucky that you found out and acknowleged the reality as fast as you did.

I'm not so brave. I haven't ever connected with anyone from online. But for one exception.....I met my husband on another web site almost ten years ago. It was really scary cause I had never answered any pm before. But I couldn't get past his name. It sparked a serious interest. LOL

We lucked out cause we're still together and as Brute said below we really are best friends. We met online, talked online about two weeks, met in person and two months later were living together :| Which was absolutely ridiculous to me cause I'm one of those take my timers in relationships. But not this time.

If for some strange reason I wasn't with him anymore, I still wouldn't answer PM's from people I hadn't had any interaction with in a more public sphere. Like years worth of interaction. I just am too cynical I think.


I wish you luck in your quest. I also hope you are careful cause, like I said, for ME, meeting online people interested in a relationship is so risky it scares me.



take care,
julie

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've met oodles of people from on line. Forums and webdating. I've flown cross continent to a different country. They invited me, I had the time, so I went. A great deal of them were fun but nothing really gelled. That's OK.
I think keeping expectations within reality limits are pretty important.
It only took me one lesson to keep my expectations in check.

If you do decide to do it again, you will know how to stop your fantasies from getting away with your emotions until you meet.

After the first time I tried quite hard to keep a lid on any future planning if we had not met. I think that's pretty important.

But its like anything, you don't know unless you try. And then you learn.

[anaisninja]

Thanks everybody. It helps to know I'm not alone.

[anaisninja]

BrutalDyke and femmsational - I assume you two are a couple?

I'm glad it worked out for you.

Now please send me some of that magic good-lovin karma you obviously have in order to have made such a long-lasting match. Hand it over! ;)

Thanks again for your supportive words.

[Contessa]

Chemistry just cant be calculated until you actually meet in real life. I have met women on occasion, over the years..maybe once or twice a yr from online. It's best not to have expectations. Some may have motives you don't see coming as well! There are good eggs, bad eggs and there will be great chemistry and not so much..You just have to put yourself out there once in awhile and see how it goes for u both..

[Daktari]

Better to have taken the risk than to never know.

Just as it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.


It's possible. I met my ex online. It lasted several years well 5...that's 10yrs in 'gay years' isn't it? ;)
Without the internet we would never have crossed paths.
Without taking the risk we would both have missed an incredibly powerful and beautiful experience.
We may not be together anymore but I give thanks to have had her in my life.

When the universe deems it right there will be someone for you.
Keep the faith :tinfoil:

[Amber2010]

I think our mind makes us see things in people more then what is really there. When we our talking online or text or cell heck even skype we see in our minds eye who that person is. Even in a virtual game when someone has an avatar and you spend a lot of time together that person is not the real one in person that you can see everything about them. I am not talking just the physical but the simple things like how they cook, what they eat, how they handle situations when you go out are they an angry driver or an angry drunk? Do they put the cap back on the toothpaste. Yes these sound like little tiny things but in the big picture the communication in the on-line chat brings your mind to a place you really never can in real. Our imaginations are so great and our thoughts and feelings of someone you have not met in person is even greater.
Again these are just my thoughts.

[WildHorses]

To me it is about taking a bit of time to ask questions and LISTEN to the answers. If they tell you about their day and mention running someone off the road then that would be a NO. If they got drunk and ended up in a fight or jail, NO.

If you take some time to talk about what they do during the day or night it may help to get a better picture of them. Do they like to go out and party? Do they like spending time with friends and family? When they talk about things do they seem positive and generally happy? What interests do you share and which ones do they have that you do not like?

I think talking about the simple things in life are just as important as anything else. You can learn about a person's background (what they tell you) but does that mean they are the same now? If they talk about daily interactions with people, listen. It might give you a clue as to how they treat people.

My .02

[Daktari]

I've met quite a lot of folks through the internet too. I must be honest and confess that the motivation on both sides is generally, initially, carnal rather than social...on the whole.

It has been my experience that time spent on instant messengers, telephone, skype et al, builds a 'false intimacy'. It can appear that [we] know each other far better than [we] actually do.
Action speaks louder than words. Consistency and longevity of action speaks volumes and can only be found in spending real, 3D time together, in my experience and opinion.
When I was dating frequently I learned to meet up quickly so as to avoid the false intimacy and inevitable, almost subconscious, building of expectation of who I thought they were.

[WildHorses]

Daktari,

I think your approach is just my speed. Just rip the band aid off already. If it works good, if not that is good as well.

I know everyone is not comfortable jumping in.


I've met quite a lot of folks through the internet too. I must be honest and confess that the motivation on both sides is generally, initially, carnal rather than social...on the whole.

It has been my experience that time spent on instant messengers, telephone, skype et al, builds a 'false intimacy'. It can appear that [we] know each other far better than [we] actually do.
Action speaks louder than words. Consistency and longevity of action speaks volumes and can only be found in spending real, 3D time together, in my experience and opinion.
When I was dating frequently I learned to meet up quickly so as to avoid the false intimacy and inevitable, almost subconscious, building of expectation of who I thought they were.

[anaisninja]

I'm not ashamed to admit that the better part of my motivation to meet was carnal. And no, that never happened either. Shit.

I agree about meeting IRL sooner rather than later, and when I date online locally that is always my goal.

My intention in this case was to meet 6 weeks after we started chatting. However, due to intervening circumstances, we ended up meeting after about 4 months instead.

My expectations were definitely inflated, and I should've known better. This was not my first rodeo. I met my ex-husband online almost 20 years ago, when the internets were brand new. There wasn't even video chat back then. I was in Texas and he was in Vancouver, BC. We waited 6 months to meet and, except for one minor issue (the one that split us up - sexual incompatibility - d'oh!) it was a smashing success. I suggested all my friends should date this way, because you get to know each other from the inside out.

Then I did again about 8 years ago, and it was a disaster. I swore then that I'd never let it happen again.

How did I let this happen again? :confused:

[*Anya*]

How did I let this happen again? :confused:

Because you are human and we all crave love and sexual connection (not necessarily in that order).

Be kind to yourself.

[JoSchmooze]

The word I see most often here is expectations.
Sometimes expectations become such that nothing
else matters. We expect that the carnal will happen,
we expect the chemistry to be there, we expect that
this "one" will be "the one"....

It happens because expectations don't match reality....

[starryeyes]

I have met some of my best friends online (specifically on this site) I also have formed several relationships too. In my community, butch-femme really isn't around so meeting people online gives me an outlet to my community that I desperately need! Have I met some creepers?? Absolutely. But, I have also met people I will love for the rest of my life. As long as you are safe, follow your gut and make sure you have someone you can call incase things go bad, I say go for it. There is so much potential and a whole other world you can reach online. It's pretty incredible!

[Daktari]

The word I see most often here is expectations.
Sometimes expectations become such that nothing
else matters. We expect that the carnal will happen,
we expect the chemistry to be there, we expect that
this "one" will be "the one"....

It happens because expectations don't match reality....



I agree totally Jo. Even when we think we have no expectations we generally do, but they're masked by a layer of denial :cheesy:

ExMrsD and I didn't really have time for expectations beyond what promised to be a crackin' shag :groucho: ...we met within a fortnight of getting each others details on a UK bf site through an ex. We always said we were having the longest one night stand in history.

The time I felt hurt most, and felt most used by, was one that had, apparently, good reason after good reason not to meet for several months. I found out why afterwards...she was still seeing her alleged ex. Expectations built during many, many hours on the phone and online.
Sadly, the reality definitely didn't meet the expectations.

It's also my experience that there can be more than one great love or grand passion for everyone. I've been lucky enough to have had two thus far...with fun fillers in and around them. I sure don't rule out another.

Keep the faith :tinfoil:

[BrutalDaddy]

BrutalDyke and femmsational - I assume you two are a couple?

I'm glad it worked out for you.

Now please send me some of that magic good-lovin karma you obviously have in order to have made such a long-lasting match. Hand it over! ;)

Thanks again for your supportive words.

You assumed correctly, hence the "serving 25 to life with no possibility for parole" tagline I have under relationship status. Lol.

In all honesty, I believe it was a mixture of dumb luck and fate.

Dunno about good loving karma but I do know there are several couples on this site who've been together for 5 years or more. Seriously warms my heart too.

Used to be a non believer in the whole "true love" shit but it's out there. Just a matter of when the dumb luck/fate bit will kick in is all.

Best advice I can give you is make sure the person is your best friend as well as your lover and just breathe, it'll happen when it's meant to happen.

Again, good luck to you.


Brute.

[Nadeest]

I've met one lover online. Unfortunately, it didn't last, as I finally figured out that men just wouldn't work for me, but he and I are still good friends. I have also met some good friends online, including people that I ended up living with, for a time.

[DapperButch]

BrutalDyke and femmsational - I assume you two are a couple?



You assumed correctly, hence the "serving 25 to life with no possibility for parole" tagline I have under relationship status. Lol.




:deepthoughts:

I find it interesting when people assume that everyone knows of their couplings, even if they don't have the person's name listed on their relationship status.

Not directing this towards you, Brute, it is just something I have noticed many times, which I find curious.

I am the opposite. I tend to assume that people DON'T know who I am partnered with, unless they know us as personally. I always speak to my audience as if they don't know.

I find it interesting that people assume that even members who don't know them, would know who their partner was. I see it as common happenstance.

/random ramble