Under 30 - Coming Up and Coming Out [Archive]

Admin

11-04-2009, 02:14 PM

ButchFemmePlanet has been fantastically blessed to have esteemed member, Selenay, accept the position of Youth Ambassador.

To kick off the discussion, she has written up a blurb to get us all thinking:

"Dyke" "Butch" "Femme" "Trans" "Queer" "Transsensual" "Gay" "Intersexed"

What happens before you're sure you're any of those things? Gender and sexuality are a constant evolution, a constant cycle. For some, they know that they are gay their whole lives; for others, it's a learning process that takes years, if not decades. Being young and queer--or even young and questioning--is probably the hardest place of all to be. Not only do you have to contend with school and friends, work and pleasure, but you have the added struggle of trying to figure out who you are, and who you love... As well as what that means.

Nobody is born with all the answers, and nobody finds them overnight. Taking the first step is where everyone starts.

Selenay

11-04-2009, 02:26 PM

Just passin through to say heyo.

If you've got questions, comments, suggestions, love notes, or hate mail for me then you are welcome to post in this thread. If you'd prefer you can send me a PM. :)

Zimmeh

12-09-2009, 06:50 PM

Selenay

12-09-2009, 07:48 PM

Hey Selenay,

Even though I am over 30, I wanted to post something if that is ok. Growing up, I knew that I was gay and living with my dad who was homophobic, was hard. When I was 28 years old, he passed away and I felt like I could finally be myself. I officially came out to everyone when I was 31 and I have never had any regrets about waiting so long. I was able to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Thanks to you and the Admin for starting this thread.

Have a good night,

Zimmy

Of course you, and everyone else, are welcome in this thread! We don't check people's ID when they walk in the door ;) I'm very glad that you were able to find peace in yourself, and that you could start your journey.

:)

cerys

01-26-2010, 08:42 PM

bright_arrow

02-17-2010, 02:46 AM

I'm sorry for the length of this post. It is late and my train of thought isn't spectacular, so I hope you can follow along. :)

I was 12 when I realized I liked girls. Sure, I could admit boys were physically good looking, but I was in no way interested in dating them. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone, a school with no diversity (two African American students and three Chinese students, the rest Caucasian) , so being gay was a big no-no.

We moved to Arizona that summer since my father was stationed there, and I told my new group of friends I was bisexual. The guys thought it was cool, and the sister of one of my new friends identified bisexual as well. I was accepted.

Fast forward to our move to Washington (the state, yes I was a military brat). New friends again, I dated a few guys, but had longer and more satisfying relationships with girls. I came out as a lesbian at the age of 13. My parents told me it was a phase.

When I was 17 I told my mother again that I was a lesbian, and that I was dating a girl and had feelings for her beyond the 'friends' feelings. I just remember her not looking at me as I slid down the wall in tears and cried on the floor as she denied me recognition.

At 18, I went to college and met a guy 32 years old. I moved out of my house without telling my family I was leaving and started living my own life. We got engaged, and later on I became pregnant.. After miscarrying a short time later (something I have never told him), I admitted to him I was a lesbian. He told me that he always suspected I was, and gave me a month to move out. We had already been drifting and we were both talking to someone else, so it was a mutual ending. I moved in with my gay boys, later met a girl, and ended up moving in with her.

One day on the phone my mother asked me if I was living with her, and I told her yes. After many many conversations with my mother, and her seeing that I was happy and still had a "normal" life, my mother accepted me being a lesbian, sort of. My father was still against it and tried to pair me up with men regardless.

Now, at the age of 22 and almost 23, both of my parents have embraced it, and me. They no longer try to set me up with men. They absolutely love my girlfriend and her child, and even my father calls her my girlfriend, whether he is talking to me about her or if introducing her to extended family/friends of the family (Shocking, extremely).

So for those who may feel discouraged, sometimes it takes a very long time, just have to roll with the punches and keep ahold of who you are, because only you can live your life and make yourself happy.

Happiness can't be found, it's something you create.

P.S. A big thank you to my little sister, she has been my #1 supporter since I came out at 12 (when she was 6). Try and speak ill of LGBT folk and my sister will kick some serious ass. Anytime my folks would mention guys my sister would say something like "Oops, nope, she's still gay!" I love her.

:LGBTQFlag:

bright_arrow

02-17-2010, 02:48 AM

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me.

Amen to that - Viva la butches!

Bard

08-11-2010, 10:01 PM

Just adding my 2 cents worth to this.. I came out at 22 yes a bit ago, when my first Girlfriend had just died in a car accident, needless to say I was a mess only reason I had not been in the car was that the door would not open so I had gone home with our other room mate.. anyway on the phone with my dad dying inside and I just blurted it out to him oh I had been so scared to say anything to him but I worried needlessly he has was supportive and always has been. when others doubt me he never has even jokes that his only daughter is more like him that I got all his charm. I know I am one of the lucky ones and in a way his acceptence makes it not so hard to hide for all the years I have had to being in the military...

silentshout

11-10-2010, 01:10 PM

lipstixgal

11-10-2010, 01:15 PM

I never knew I was gay until my mid thirties and was married to a man at the time. But pursued a relationship anyway and now I am glad, wish I had someone at this time in my life but hopefully soon I will have a girlfriend who love and cares about me just wish I would have come out sooner...

Mtn

11-10-2010, 02:36 PM

I realized I was gay at 17. (bi around 11 or 12) I've never really came out. I don't see the point. Especially to family. I mean, I don't want them all up in my business. And if straight kids don't have to say anything, then I don't see the reason why I should.

I felt the same way for a long time, really until I started seeing women with children and it dawned on me by not coming out I was teaching them homophobia, they knew we weren't "just roommates" but the silence we practiced kept them silent about their lives as well. That was just my experience though.

silentshout

11-10-2010, 02:59 PM

I felt the same way for a long time, really until I started seeing women with children and it dawned on me by not coming out I was teaching them homophobia, they knew we weren't "just roommates" but the silence we practiced kept them silent about their lives as well. That was just my experience though.

Understandable. I'm sure my example isn't the best one for closeted youth, however I feel more at ease keeping it to myself. Once I come with a gf, then it's up to them to think what they want. Everyone has their own way, and some parents are more in tune to it than others.

Ravin

11-10-2010, 03:03 PM

Hello Everyone..

I knew something was up in high school when I was paying more attention to the cheerleaders than the football players..
I had my first encounter in the 8th grade with a kiss and since then I have never looked back..
When you are young and finding out your sexuality it is hard at times but you always should remember to be true to yourself no matter who you are.

Pixie

11-10-2010, 04:00 PM

Hello All!

I am 22 now and came out at 14, but knew a wee bit before that. It was never really hard coming out per say, I was worried and nervous, but I just dove out into the world.

I think for me the most challenging thing has been being a young femme. Not only do you have that time of questioning internally, long after a decision, you have the external questioning from others. Its like others think you will grow out of it because you are young. Or because you are femme there is "hope". *eye roll*

It is also interesting that identifying as queer gets treated like coping out of an answer. You get that look, so are you bi? It kinda makes me giggle.

......anywho off my soapbox of randomness....

Zimmeh

11-10-2010, 06:11 PM

I agree with you about the queer part. It took my ex to show me what I had always wanted. I really did live up to the nickname a friend of mine gave me, and that is brat...Hehe..

Have a good night!

Zimmy

Hello All!

I am 22 now and came out at 14, but knew a wee bit before that. It was never really hard coming out per say, I was worried and nervous, but I just dove out into the world.

I think for me the most challenging thing has been being a young femme. Not only do you have that time of questioning internally, long after a decision, you have the external questioning from others. Its like others think you will grow out of it because you are young. Or because you are femme there is "hope". *eye roll*

It is also interesting that identifying as queer gets treated like coping out of an answer. You get that look, so are you bi? It kinda makes me giggle.

......anywho off my soapbox of randomness....

Captain Franki

04-28-2011, 05:48 PM

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me. See, that's what TV does to you - rots your brain!

I was in college before I ever met a butch, so I was in college before I knew I was gay. That's all it took. She was my roommate my junior year of college for a semester. Yep, I seduced my roommate and then went abroad to China. After that, I knew what I was looking for. Before then, I just had no idea what was out there or what was possible.
I totally get this. I'm most attracted to boyish spirits and growing up most girls seemed to be feminine, so i didn't consider it for a long while, and even when i did i didn't think i crushed on any girls (although looking back i suspect an unresolved tension with one friend). I can appreciate feminine women now, but really i'm all about boyish women and gqs. I <3 Bois. After years of straight relationships with boyfriends, I'm looking forward to having queer fun with a boifriend one day.

I suspected bisexuality at 15, came out as Trans* and queer at 19, now at 20 I'm still a newbie.

Captain Franki

04-28-2011, 06:00 PM

AtLast

04-28-2011, 06:45 PM

Just want to say I am so glad that all of the under 30 folks are here on the Planet. I learn quite a bit from younger generations within queerdom. My life was just different because of my age, but I sure remember a lot of inner confusion. I so hope that some of the paths are easier for our youth. I also know you all will make your unique marks.

And you rawk!!!

wolfbittenpoet

04-28-2011, 06:58 PM

I'm 24. It's taken me years not of accepting that I like girls but that I am trans. I was 19 when I finally accepted it. Now I am getting to the point that I am accepting that it is femininity that I like on any sex. I am still often confused and lost but I am willing to ask directions or at least invest in compasses now. I was recently told that my parents thought I was trans as early as age 3 or 4 something to do about crying for days until they bought me a football uniform because I hated the cheerleader one my grandmother had bought. I guess I was just scared to be thought of as even more different.

Goo

04-29-2011, 10:39 PM

I'm 27, but I've known I liked women since I was a kid, didn't come out til I was 16, and that wasn't by choice. But now looking back on it, I'm so glad that my good friend outted me.

It's hard sometimes being young and finding your identity in the community at large, because sometimes you're still finding yourself, like I am.

Love this thread by the way :hangloose:

DomnNC

04-29-2011, 11:35 PM

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

:sailing:

Stop putting added pressure on yourself, chuckles. You'll have a little laugh over this perhaps and will see that WE all are always learning each and every day. I'm 53, I'm trans, I've known since I was 5 that I was a boy, I've also always knew from that point that I liked girls, but points to age, that was wayyyyy back many moons ago. I lived in a rural setting, at the time there was no internet, our little town newspaper was 2 pages on a good day, lol. So I was just me, always on the inside I was who I was. Back then going to school, physical females had to wear dresses/skirts to school, oh the many fights my mother and I had over getting dressed in the mornings. Once I got home off those girl clothes came and into my boy clothes, I hated it with a passion. I hated being treated like a girl because I simply was/am not one (not that there's anything wrong with girls/women at all, I happen to love women). It wasn't til 7th grade that girls could wear pants so every other day (compromise with my mama so she thought) I snuck out jeans and a t-shirt to change, on those days, til she finally gave up in the 8th grade. So where I lived out in the boonies I thought I was the only person like me (as far as trans I think there was perhaps one boy in school that was). I had my first real girlfriend in the 7th grade and then a few in high school. My mother caught me kissing my girlfriend when I was 18 and heading into the Army in 2 weeks, lol, so I didn't have to deal with the looks or questions that long. That doesn't mean they don't know about me because they do/did from that point on. I couldn't have asked for more supportive parents who taught me the real meaning of unconditional love. So I kinda learned things, many different things (so I thought) as the years went on.
Now admittedly I never socialized that much within the gay community because I wasn't accepted there, then I got married and we didn't do the bar scene or big group functions because we were both career people and simply didn't have the time. Free time was spent with our circle of friends and family.
Fastforward, most know my wife of 17 years was also my friend of 27 years. She passed away Nov 27th, 2007. So after a few years I finally was directed to this website by a friend Sept 2010.
I promise I'm getting to the point, ya just needed a lil background. The point is this when I joined this site it was somewhat of a culture shock to me, lol, I've never seen so many dang labels, abbreviations, single letters grouped together that apparently meant something to everyone else but me!
So I've kinda muddled along, looked things up, if I couldn't find what it meant I'd ask someone, lol. So I'm kinda like in the position you feel you are in now as I'm learning a whole new culture as well and I'm 53! So don't get disheartened, don't be afraid to ask about things, the only stupid question as they say are the unasked ones. You'll be learning all your life so don't put so much pressure on yourself. Just be who you are at the moment, we're all allowed to change and grow. To stop doing so would mean life would be stagnant and boring. Enjoy the lessons, take from them what you may and apply to your own life or disgard it. There's no template, we all walk our own paths. Good luck and have fun with life because you never know when it will end.

Soon

05-23-2011, 10:40 AM

The New York Times embarked on the project “Coming Out” (http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2011/05/23/us/20110523-coming-out.html) as an effort to better understand this generation’s realities and expectations, and to give teenagers their own voice in the conversation.

The Times spoke with or e-mailed nearly 100 gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender teenagers from all of parts of the country — from rural areas to urban centers, from supportive environments to hostile ones. The newspaper contacted them through various advocacy groups, as well as through social networking sites like YouTube, Twitter and Facebook.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/23/us/23out.html

AlphaDrug

08-12-2011, 05:39 AM

:moonstars: The younger crowd here isn't very large or active I take it... I'm 22, and I'm afraid I'm one of the babies here... I didn't even know I COULD like girls till I was a freshman in highschool, 8 years ago, I was blessed with the best group of friends a girl could ask for, the indi/goth outsider kids who were accepting of everything. I did the whole straight to bisexual to gay thing.

I'd met my first and only boyfriend the summer before high school, dated him for two years, the entire time I had a crush on my best friend Crystal, shes the one who gets the gold toaster, I learned from her that it was okay to like girls and normal, so 2 years down the road I wasn't happy with my boyfriend, I went to prom with Crys and told him that there was a chance I might experiment with her that night, he jokingly just said to take video... I laugh at that now but originally it pissed me off.

I slept with my best friend that night and was smitten, it was insane and everything I'd been looking for. From there I declared I was bisexual... never dated a guy again so it evolved into comfortably telling people I was gay.

My coming out story to my parents is... interesting... and not how I'd planned it. Haha! If you want to hear that one just ask. XD I don't have much time and have to leave for work soon.

My favorite campaign that happened recently was the IT GETS BETTER thing that all the celebrities did, still thinking about it makes me tear up, because if I hadn't had the support of my friends in high school I'd have had a much harder time coming out. Luckily for me as well live really close to DC, so everything is pretty diverse and accepting to begin with, not a small town kind of girl.

wolfbittenpoet

08-12-2011, 06:33 AM

Heya Alpha. There's a growing youth pop around here we just are stealthy. Like cats...
erm not housecats.

AlphaDrug

08-12-2011, 01:49 PM

Heya Alpha. There's a growing youth pop around here we just are stealthy. Like cats...
erm not housecats.

Aww awesome. I love cats. Hahaha. ^_^

...and where'd you get the cookies? o.o

wolfbittenpoet

08-12-2011, 03:51 PM

The darkside....
It's any side not currently in front of you.

stepfordfemme

08-12-2011, 04:20 PM

We young'uns are here! It has always seemed to me that people my age seem to embrace the queer but not the butch-femme dynamic.

I'm 26, and I've know for a very long time, but I went through many phases before embracing my full fabulous femme self.

Just wanted to say hi and welcome!

I also love the itgetsbetter campaign. I think the under 30s have been really blessed with a lot of acceptance and a generation that is open to change.

:)

EnderD_503

08-12-2011, 04:22 PM

Heya Alpha. There's a growing youth pop around here we just are stealthy. Like cats...
erm not housecats.

...yes, we're more like alley cats. Leaping stealthily through the darkness, from roof top to roof top.

http://i.tfster.com/cache/icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/funny-pictures-curtain-ninja-cat.jpg

Anyways, yeah...cool to see other under 30 people around these parts. But now you just have to fucking stick around! I swear other than like 3 or 4 of us, every under 30 person who comes here leaves after a day or two. :overreaction:

AlphaDrug

08-12-2011, 05:35 PM

...yes, we're more like alley cats. Leaping stealthily through the darkness, from roof top to roof top.

http://i.tfster.com/cache/icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/funny-pictures-curtain-ninja-cat.jpg

Anyways, yeah...cool to see other under 30 people around these parts. But now you just have to fucking stick around! I swear other than like 3 or 4 of us, every under 30 person who comes here leaves after a day or two. :overreaction:

:moonstars: Naaaah... I'm a big dork. I like my forums and blogs and such. I'll be around for a while. But I feel like we need more threads... not sure what kind of threads though. lol

EnderD_503

08-13-2011, 06:38 AM

Well, I pretty much suck at making threads, so I'm the wrong person to suggest thread ideas. But I agree that we need more threads in this section, for sure.

Holly.88

08-13-2011, 10:02 AM

I've been butch since the day I was born. My earliest memories are of running around outside in my Levis, bare feet, and no shirt. Man, those were good times!

When my twin and I started school we went to a private Catholic school because it was "the best school around." We weren't even Catholic. Every Thursday morning we all had church together, and I can remember being five years old, kneeling with my hands folded and eyes shut tight, praying my heart out that God would make me a boy so I wouldn't be a sinner anymore and would be normal.

The summer before my senior year of high school I met my first girlfriend. I came out to all my friends the first day of senior year and I was lucky enough to have some pretty great friends.

Over the years I've become more comfortable with who I am and I make no excuses or apologies for that. I am one self confident, proud, and open southern boi and to hell with anyone who doesn't like it.

AlphaDrug

08-13-2011, 12:56 PM

Holly.88

08-13-2011, 07:51 PM

...where can I find one of you up north!? Haha. Butches are a rare commodity apparently... especially in our generation.

I don't know that you can. I'm kind of a Southern specialty and MissPriss has the one and only original.

untangle

10-21-2011, 12:10 PM

Hey everyone, first post here! It’s going to be a long one too!

From the time that I was 8 years old I knew I was different. I got my first crush on a teacher of mine and didn’t really understand it at all. I didn’t know what liking your female teacher meant, it just WAS.

As the years progressed and I got a crush on my best friend and went through my junior high years, I wanted to explore. Being the big dork that I am, I got really into computers/browsing and started reading about GLBT people. I remember it being such a huge deal for Ellen Degeneres to come out and I always looked at my family for their opinions when a gay character/person would show themselves in the media. I wanted to get an understanding of what I had coming.

I started chatting sporadically in places like Gay.com/AOL because I knew no other GLBT people, or none that were out.

The first couple of years of high school were pretty lonely and the girl crushes kept on despite trying to fight the fact that I was gay. I didn’t want to feel so alone and different. I remember reading about a Coming Out stories book online and had to get it somehow. I ended up throwing the book away after I was finished reading because I didn’t want my parents to catch it in my room someday. Every once in a while, my own mother would ask me if I liked boys and of course I would never give her a straight answer. Thankfully the last couple of years of high school I met some friends that ended up coming out to me, I to them.

At 25 years old, I decided I would come out to my closest sibling. I ended up getting very emotional because up until then, I was only out to friends or co-workers. Family was a whole different experience. Through the years my Catholic family has said awful, derogatory things towards gay people. Another sibling of mine even mentioned that she would not allow a gay person around her kids. That was devastating to hear.
When we have get-togethers and the topic comes up, my close sister and I will argue until we’re blue in the face to try and get a positive response from them. It never happens. We don’t typically discuss our love lives, it’s almost like a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy throughout the family.

Now at 26, coming out entirely seems a little more possible everyday and I will continue to take baby steps. In the back of my mind, I believe my family is in some major denial and could possibly accept me. Then there’s that speck of doubt that scares me that I could lose them forever.

Without the great friends, Internet, or books I’m not sure what sort of direction my life would have gone. The resources we have readily available to us through the web are amazing and I too especially love the It Gets Better project!

ruby_woo

10-24-2011, 09:02 PM

I thought I'd come by and say hi as an under-30 femme. Ok, I'll be 30 in July, but still...

I've known I was queer since I was about 14-15, when I met my first boyish-girl in high school. Before that, I did have occasional crushes on guys, but didn't date much.

I had my first girlfriend when I was 16 (thanks AOL chat!), have been out since I was 17, and have ID as femme since I was 19. I was lucky because despite growing up in a Christian household in the Midwest, I had a supportive family, and a close family friend of ours came out as gay in mid 90's, so I thank him for breaking that ice for me.

I remember being 19 and coming out as femme, and basically feeling like a giant dork because it seemed like everyone had their business figured out already, and I was like "...help?" I would get crushes on butches who were 3 times my age and viewed me as a little sister, lol. The best thing I did was make friends with the older femmes who could help me along my journey. Having your girls is so important.

And much love for It Gets Better! <3

Red-Dragon

10-26-2011, 01:04 PM

i've been reading forums and this one looks interesting and i dont reply to alot cause i dont know how havent been on one of these been refered to by my bud she told me about this site. so this is how i came out...

I'm 21 and i've been out since i was 12 well only been out to my dad. i've had a feeling i knew since i was young i liked girls mainly cause i have 5 brothers so i've been raised by them been did everything boys would do pick on girls roll down hills in garbage cans race bikes fist fight with each other wrestle camp fish etc and even taught how to treat women etc even dressed as a boy. (even though it ticked off my mom). I didnt understand it at first so i looked into it and figured it out pretty quick. i remember having a major crush on my best friend growing up when my dad died my mom went bonkers after he told her i was lesbian.
I was told it was a sin etc but it just went in one ear out the other cause my dad and my brothers told me to follow my heart and its lead me to liking girls. i had my first girlfriend in 8th grade but she wasnt out and her parents didnt like me cause they caught me kissing her -.- wasnt a fun day. i moved to the states and had girlfriends but i figured out that my mum didnt like it so once i turned 18 i moved back to canada and there isnt much of a population that i can see here where i live. its mainly cause i'm quiet and keep to myself so thats probably why i dont see much but i do know there are gay bars and everything.
My guy friends say i'm the best brother they could have cause i give them advice game etc till this day my mom still hates it that i'm lesbian and she keeps pushing guys on me half a country away. Even though i've have been in many fights with a few family members on them not wanting me around cause i'm lesbian i dont care cause i like girls and nothing can change that.
well i hope i got it right on posting on a forum lol but thats my story.

GraceNotes

10-31-2011, 03:56 PM

When I was in the 8th grade me and my friend were really obsessed with Sailor Moon and mostly with the Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus pairing because they were such a cute b/f couple (though the english version called them cousins) and It hadn't clicked for me yet that I was even a lesbian because honestly I was still playing with dolls at age 13 so that stuff wasn't even in my mind at all, but I'd have to say the Sailor Neptune was my femme role model.
For some reason my high school had a lot of lesbians and b/f pairings were the norm. At one point it finally clicked that I was a lesbian and I like butches. I came out at 15 and had my first girlfriend and I've always dated butches since.
on a side note my best friend from back in 8th grade grew up to identify as butch so i guess that was the reason at we so obsessed with that show and the characters.

1ladyface

12-19-2011, 10:20 PM

Hi All! I'm a 26 y/o queer femme. I came out my first year of college. I had assumed I was asexual, until I saw the womens basketball team. It was my first exposure to female bodied masculinity in my own age range. swoooooon.

I've only ever been in butch femme relationships and I'm not even a little bit interested in a relationship that doesn't have that dynamic.

Anyway, enough of me. I look forward to continuing to get to know you all!

Red-Dragon

12-20-2011, 12:32 PM

:moonstars: Naaaah... I'm a big dork. I like my forums and blogs and such. I'll be around for a while. But I feel like we need more threads... not sure what kind of threads though. lol

:glasses: i read through on these things i just dont post. and yeah gotta agree more threads like these. plus alpha the "babies" as u said are around lol (i just go off and on this site cause of work) <<is not stealthy just knows how to do the hudini trick and disappear :byebye:

AlexHunter

01-19-2012, 03:33 PM

For me, the realization of being gay was a part of something bigger: gender dysphoria.

I always felt, well, male. When I was two, I asked my mom when I was going to grow a penis. Throughout my childhood, I had my hair as short as my mother would let me have it, dressed like a boy, played with the boys, and liked girls. It wasn't anything complicated back then; "boy" things felt "right" and "girl" things didn't.

My parents had a collection of old movies. I loved watching them and strongly identified with the leading male characters. I wanted to be a gentleman with a pretty lady on my arm.

I had my first memorable girl crush in first grade. We went trick or treating together. I was a big, scary vampire and she wanted to dress as a princess. I told her Halloween was supposed to be scary, so the princess idea was lame. She compromised and decided to be a zombie princess, instead.

I lost my virginity (to a girl) at thirteen. I had sex with several girls throughout high school, though my first serious girlfriend was not until senior year. I also enjoyed looking up porn with guys in it (had to be man and woman, though, I didn't care for the gay stuff), which briefly made me wonder if I was attracted to them, in addition to girls. I decided to explore something sexual with a guy and quickly realized I was disgusted by it. I just had a bad case of penis envy.

I never had to "come out." Everyone assumed. I was dead set on transitioning until I was 20 (I'm 28 now). I toyed around with several labels before I found out what was comfortable for me. I didn't want to claim butch status at first because I thought it was a term for "lesbians." The butch-identified people I knew were (in hindsight) either woman ID'd or soft butch (nothing wrong with either, but it's not me.) I read about "stone butch" and went by that for awhile. I am not 100% stone anymore but that is another story. For the last few years, I've claimed butch and genderqueer.

1ladyface

01-27-2012, 01:22 AM

Hi All,

My ex and good friend is blogging for

originalplumbing.com

from jail, via letters to me. His first post went up today. I think of the OP community as really supportive but there have been two nasty comments on his blog post, both of which are based on inaccurate and unfounded assumptions.

He is blogging to share his experiences, connect with other trans folks struggling with substance abuse and create a space to open up a dialogue around that. He's really put it all out there in his first post and I'm just flabbergasted and horrified that anyone would be outright mean in their comments.

Anyway, I think the post is worth reading and if you have a chance, give him some love. What he needs now is encouragement and community not holier than though self righteous judgemental bullshit.

love love love (and no bullshit),

ladyface

Princess

03-30-2012, 01:37 AM

I wanna give this thread a little bump because I think it's important for those of us under 30 to share our stories and learning experiences. Ya never know who is reading these, and how much it will help them! With that said...

I am 28 years old and I came out when I was 14. It was a huge accident to be honest with you. I mean, I had known for a long while that I was not interested in boys. I didn't quite put 2 and 2 together until the summer before I turned 14.

My best friend went away to Oregon for the summer, and when she got back I of course went to her house for a sleepover. She came out to me that night, and told me that she had met a girl in Oregon and she was dating her. I will tell you that my reaction was sort of...odd. I felt uncomfortable with her, and actually faked sick to go home! When I got home all I could think about was if that was me...Erika and I talked about it later on that week and I came to the conclusion that I was indeed a "lesbian" That conversation took place just to the left of our favorite baseball field, under this big ol tree and she ended up being my very FIRST girlfriend. :)

Fast forward to how I was outed though...I guess Erika and I hadnt been so quiet, or so subtle about our relationship because people at school were talking. We were the only two gays in the whole school so of course it was a big deal.

Somehow, my mother found out through the grapevine. We were watching t.v. King of the Hill actually, and I don't know why I remember that, maybe because it was an important moment. Anyway, she looked at me and said:

"Ang are you bisexual?"

I thought about that very carefully for a moment and I said:

"No mom, i'm gay and Erika is my girlfriend."

That was pretty much it! She was supportive of me instantly and then it seemed to spread like wildfire. Soon enough my whole family and seemingly the whole town knew. I haven't ever looked back. I can say, I am really glad that Erika had that summer away, because it forced me to think about things. Otherwise, it would have been a long struggle trying to come to those terms.

Also note, I am leaving out a whole lot of in between negativity things that I encountered on my journey, but when I am feeling up to it I will share that too.

LexiLove

10-18-2013, 04:25 PM

This is a realllllly old thread but I wanted to share my story.

Just to be completely honest, I am teetering on 30. I will be 30 in December.

I knew I was ferociously attracted to girls at a very young age. I remember making my barbies kiss when I was 5 or so years old. I was definitely into masculine people though which was very confusing. I crushed on boys in middle/high school but knew something was wrong the first time I had sex with a boy. Actually, I lost my virginity to my best friend. She and I were inseparable and even though she was VERY feminine, I was very tomboyish at the time.

My father was a very homophobic guy (to be honest he still kind of is) and I am a through and through daddy's girl. He told me very early in life that as long as I was "not a rapist, murderer, pedophile, or gay that he would love me." I was completely crushed and spent many years hiding behind boyfriends and trying to change my father's mind. I finally ended up getting married to a man and having two children. We loved one another but I felt more like he was my friend. My now ex husband knew that I loved women and allowed me to "be" with women from time to time. He joined the Army and while away allowed me to have women in my life. They were my "friends" in front of my children, other family, or strangers, but once alone they were my lovers.

I remember the first time I saw a "butch" on tv. I am not sure how she identifies but she is very masculine looking. It was an episode of Millionaire matchmaker and her name is Tyler. I almost fell over. She was so sexy and exactly what I wanted in my life. I had reached a point where I couldn't hide anymore. I was depressed, scared, and really wanted to leave my married life with my husband. My husband left for Afghanistan and while gone, I met my butch. I fell HARD. Sadly, I broke my husband's heart. I still feel guilty for that but I had to leave. I wanted her more than anything else in my life. I divorced him, got custody of my children, she and I raise my babies as our own and life is good. My ex realized too that he is happier without me. It took a long time for him to get over me but he tells me that it is nice to be with a women who responds to him, uhm, sexually.

Anyway, all of this happened over the last few years. It has been a long process but I couldn't stay in the closet a minute longer after meeting her. Also, my dad came around and now loves both of us.

Life is good.

silkepus

12-28-2013, 03:12 PM

odd_boi_out

12-28-2013, 06:38 PM

I started identifying as a lesbian when I was 14. I knew I was "different" way before then, but didn't have the words to articulate how I was feeling. I attributed my lack of interest in boys to the fact that I had a twin brother - boys were not "mysterious" to me in the same way they were to my friends. In middle school I started thinking of myself as asexual. I didn't know at the time that was an actual identity term people used for themselves, but I did know the word from biology class (asexual reproduction), and figured that since I wasn't interested in boys, I must not be a sexual person at all. I assumed that all girls felt the way I did about other girls. Being gay was not even a possibility that entered my head.

Summer before high school started, I went to Girl Scout camp and listened to a lot of music by the Indigo Girls. I got home from camp, horribly campsick, and went out to the record store to find an Indigo Girls CD to remind me of camp. Their CDs often included a list of organizations they supported, and I started searching online for those organizations; one thing led to the next and I found myself stumbling into queer community online and realizing there were other people like me.

Simultaneously, I started high school and developed an enormous crush on a girl who sang with me in choir. I hated myself for it and wished it would go away. It took me a year of agony and denial to finally admit to myself that this wasn't a phase, that I actually was gay. And due to the conservative and religious environment I grew up and went to school in, I didn't start coming out to anyone until I was 17.

Around that time, though, I also started to question my gender identity. I didn't have the words for what it meant to be transgender until I was almost 18, but had long felt extreme discomfort with my body and could never really picture myself growing up to be a woman. I came out as trans at 19, yet struggled with that for a while, because I never fully identified as male, either. Now at almost 25 I happily inhabit a rather uncomfortable but familiar space between butch lesbian and FTM.

Stud_puppy1991

04-29-2014, 03:31 AM

I'm 23 now, but I had known I was different since I was around 4 or 5, got my first girl crush when I was 12, but I had thought about girls a bit before then. I identified as bi for a short while, as i wasn't sure yet if I was bi or completely gay. Then, at 13, I had my first relationship with a girl and this was also my first sexual encounter with one. And I was in love with this girl, hardcore, yet, I still wasn't at full terms with being gay just yet. I went back to dating guys, only to realize that it did nothing for me but make me empty and numb. Whenever they kissed me or we made love, I couldn't stop thinking about my first time with my ex, her and I. And I couldn't stop thinking of women in general. So then, years later, when i was 18, I came out, this time as a lesbian. It wasn't easy, as my family life fell apart and bigotry filled my life, but I made it. And, I couldn't be prouder.

VanyllaVenom

06-10-2014, 08:41 PM

I wasn't sure where to post, but I'll try here. Sorry for length :canadian:

I'm almost 31, and recently am coming out for the second time. I was brought up Catholic, very traditional white upper class. I didn't even know what gay was until middle school. Of course everything I had was fru fru and pink, barbies, make-up, dress-up, etc. When I was 7, me and a girl from school played "doctor" naked, and then I started to really get confused.

Fast forward to 7th grade (worst time of my life), my best friend who was the opposite of me - extroverted, popular, etc.... told everyone I was gay. Not sure why but I guess that's life. I was crushed because I knew this was not "acceptable", being young and from a small town, so I rarely attended school from then on.

I met my next group of friends in 8th grade. One of my best friends wasn't feminine at all, and I had her sleep over once, and I just couldn't help myself and attacked her lol. I never talked to her again, I was afraid to. I thought she would tell everyone that I really WAS gay.

I moved away, and for years just labeled myself as bisexual. I came out as gay when I was 23, had a few relationships and after reading a lot of things on the internet, realized what might have happened in my last relationship and that it wasn't my fault, which helps a lot.

I'm only out to my mom, and I think my brother knows but he would support me. It's hard looking like a feminine female and meeting people I like around me.

Thanks for having this thread! :hk1:

clodie

01-01-2015, 01:36 PM

I realised I like girls when I was 13-14 and as shallow as it might seem... I was actually pretty excited about this discovery. Although I always preferred girls, I didn't technically dislike boys. Sure if there was a boy and a girl I'd go for the girl... but with no other choice, a guy was almost as good, for a while anyway. I thought I'd rather be a lesbian, I saw straight and gay people as two distinctive groups with nothing in between - and it made me feel like I didn't belong to any of them.

Due to my circumstances I was very isolated as a teenager. I changed school, made two friends and pretty much ignored everyone else. When I first mentioned an upcoming gay parade, I found that one of them wasn't accepting and so I changed the topic. It was a bit shocking, being hated for simply being who I am by a person I considered a friend. I never told her about it and instead I grew closer with the other friend with whom I eventually shared the secret. She was accepting and didn't seem surprised by it.

Unfortunately it didn't end well... she was fine with me liking girls, but turned out to be a bitch. Despite being my friend for many years, after we had a fight, she outed me to strangers (who didn't care, but that's beyond the point) and then she threatened to tell my parents. I'm not close with them, but I know them well enough to know it wouldn't be accepted. I really feared being kicked out of the house and at that time I didn't have any other friends who could help me... I literary wouldn't know what to do and the fear was real. Because I felt she could do it (she was crazy) I was forced to come out to my dad who I knew was a bit more accepting (my mum literary wishes death to people like me). I told him about it so that he wouldn't let her meet my mum... I came out as bi which I think made things a bit easier. When it was all over and my dad told me not to tell my mum and that I won't be kicked out I just cried in my room for a long time because of the stress I went through with the risk of being homeless. He also told me not to share it with people, as if what happened was my fault.

I'm in college now and open about it... but I recently found out that no one outside of my group actually knows because apparently I don't look gay. So even when I mention something or someone hears something else they just dismiss it and forget. My mum still doesn't know and my dad pretends it went away because we never brought it up again.