Bed Side Preference and Dominance

[MasterfulButch]

In my experience to date, I've noticed a correlation between dominance and bed side preference. That is, where there is a dominant character in a pairing (not necessarily dominant as a sexual identity) that they prefer to sleep on the right hand side of the bed.

Has anyone else noticed anything similar? Does the theory fit you?

[Smiling]

Nope. I've always slept on the left side of the bed because I'm left-handed. lol, except I'm not sharing at the moment so I sleep on the whole thing now. lol, I dominate the entire bedroom. lol, master of my domain so to speak. :tease:


In my experience to date, I've noticed a correlation between dominance and bed side preference. That is, where there is a dominant character in a pairing (not necessarily dominant as a sexual identity) that they prefer to sleep on the right hand side of the bed.

Has anyone else noticed anything similar? Does the theory fit you?

[Daniela]

In my experience to date, I've noticed a correlation between dominance and bed side preference. That is, where there is a dominant character in a pairing (not necessarily dominant as a sexual identity) that they prefer to sleep on the right hand side of the bed.

Has anyone else noticed anything similar? Does the theory fit you?

I've done left and right. The only constant in my selection is that I'm always closer to the bathroom.

Ladies' choice! :cheesy:

[WolfyOne]

I've done both sides of the bed in my younger years, but as I've grown older, I prefer the left side.
Personally, I don't see a theory in this at all.

[SleepyButch]

I've typically been the dominant one in the relationship and when I'm sleeping in the same bed with someone, I prefer to sleep on the side closest to the door unless she objects because she cannot sleep on whichever side is not closest to the door. So this theory doesn't fit for me but it will be interesting to see the responses of others.

[starryeyes]

I sleep on the right!! But not always. I slept on the left in my last long term relationship.

[CherylNYC]

I'm not ever the sexually dominant partner and I sleep on the right side. I'm even more attached to that side now because the right side of my bed is against my bedroom wall. To totally seal the deal, I don't ever need to get up for the bathroom in the middle of the night, which means that anyone sharing my bed has the freedom to do so without waking me.

I'm interested in what SleepyButch wrote because it sounds like she prefers to take a protective position. It makes sense to me that I would prefer my partner to sleep closer to the door and that I would prefer to sleep in the more protected place, closer to the wall.




I've typically been the dominant one in the relationship and when I'm sleeping in the same bed with someone, I prefer to sleep on the side closest to the door unless she objects because she cannot sleep on whichever side is not closest to the door. So this theory doesn't fit for me but it will be interesting to see the responses of others.

[Smiling]

I'm interested in what SleepyButch wrote because it sounds like she prefers to take a protective position. It makes sense to me that I would prefer my partner to sleep closer to the door and that I would prefer to sleep in the more protected place, closer to the wall.

Hi Cheryl,
I inferred the same thing from Sleepy's post, too; but what you wrote is also very interesting to me because personally, I'm not sure I'd feel more safe being sandwiched against the wall. On the contrary, I think I would feel trapped and therefore, less safe in the event of a fire or other emergency.

On the other hand, you can never wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I suppose, lol. Hope you don't mind my 2 cents; I just found your perspective interesting. :)

[Orema]

I'm usually not the dominant partner in the relationship, I currently don't have a bed mate, and I primarily sleep on the right-hand side. My nightstand is on the right side even though I'm left handed. It works for me, for now.

When I do have a bed mate, it makes no difference to me what side I sleep on. I allow my bed mate to choose because I can sleep on either side without any problems.

I don't like sleeping against a wall. I don't usually suffer from claustrophobia, but I it kicks in when I'm sleeping against a wall. I shiver just thinking of it!

[SleepyButch]

I'm interested in what SleepyButch wrote because it sounds like she prefers to take a protective position. It makes sense to me that I would prefer my partner to sleep closer to the door and that I would prefer to sleep in the more protected place, closer to the wall.

Hi Cheryl,
I inferred the same thing from Sleepy's post, too; but what you wrote is also very interesting to me because personally, I'm not sure I'd feel more safe being sandwiched against the wall. On the contrary, I think I would feel trapped and therefore, less safe in the event of a fire or other emergency.


I don't think I've ever slept in a bed that was up against the wall but I can see your point Smiling. You could always pull the bed out a foot or so right?

My reasoning is that I am being protective. If something comes in the door, it will be me that encounters it first. Just makes me feel better. It's the same reason I walk closest to the curb if I'm walking with a femme. It's just what I do and I'm sure I'm not the only one around her who feels this way.

[Smiling]

I just need to feel like there is enough room to make a quick getaway should the need ever arise. lol, a foot of room would probably be more than adequate for that purpose. For me, happiness is both of my feet being able to make contact with the flooring in case I need to Flintstone's it the heck outta there, lol.

[DaddyShaun]

I am the dominate sexual partner and prefer the right side but interestingly enough I position the bed so that the right side is closest to the door so that I can protect my partner.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Ok I'll bite.

Are you looking at the bed, or looking from the bed when you say right side/left side?

If you are looking AT the bed, i sleep on the right side because i roll to the left. My wife who is bossy as heck, sleeps on the left because it is easier to get up and use the restroom fast...works for us!

[candy_coated_bitch]

I've virtually always the Dominant partner in a relationship and most often sleep on the right hand side. It hasn't been 100% right hand side in the past though. It depends on a lot of factors because I have weird sleeping paranoias.

For me, the Dominance comes in when I chose what side I want and tell my sleeping partner that they get the other side and don't get to choose LOL!

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'm never the dominant one.

My beds are always pushed right up against the wall on one side (no, no one foot gap. That would be senseless waste of one foot in my room). Mainly because I have a desk, a tall boy, a vanity and a night table to fit in the room as well and thus no room.

I always offer the outside of the bed to whomever my bed guest is because I'm being polite - I don't want them to feel trapped nor awkward about crawling over me and waking me up to go to the bathroom, plus it gives them easy access to the night table and the water.

Guest gets the best position at the table, the left side of the couch (best view of the room). and the outside of the bed.

But that's not because I'm submissive in a relationship, that's because I was raised that way for manners.

[FlaFem84]

I've never been the dominant one and I've slept on both sides.
Only preference I had is to not be against a wall lol I hate having to climb over someone to get out of the bed and worry about waking them up.

[gotoseagrl]

Like Cheryl, being the submissive one, and pretty old school, i always prefer whichever side is closest to wall or less exposed to the door side of the room and feels more "safe." For me doesn't matter if that's left or right, would depend on the position of the bed in the room.

[Daktari]

Always been the dominant partner and sleep on whichever side I bloody choose! ;)

In the last decade the side can vary. Often, for me, it depends on which shoulder last had surgery and/or which one is least sore for a head to be led upon it.

If partnered often chosen the right because it gives my left shoulder for a head rest and my dominant right hand free to lead in any shenanigans.

I've never really considered the door issue. Have let more than one girl have the door side for her own comfort.

I sleep centre/right in Teh Woodipotimus' bed. I get bedding choice and little else in the Feline Occupancy Agreement. I only get centre/right if I beat her to the bed and have managed to occupy before she does. :readfineprint:

[Gemme]

If I start out on the left side, I will bulldoze you until I'm on the right, so it's safer for all concerned to just leave me to my side.

I started sleeping on my right side in elementary school when I read an article that said sleeping on your right side allows your heart to drop into a position that helps to regulate breathing better and can help to alleviate insomnia.

30 something years later.....it still works.

[Medusa]

Interesting that Sleepy talked about the protective position!
I sleep on whatever side is furthest away from the door for this reason :) I prefer to be as far away from the door as possible.

Currently I sleep on the right side of the bed (but only because it's not nearest the door). Whenever we go to a hotel where the door is reversed, I sleep on the left :)

[traumaqueen]

I like the furthest away from the door as well with my partner, which happens to be the right... but not so much for protection rather, the further you are from the door the less likely you have to let the dogs out in the middle of the night. At least that's how I justify things - things are working out!

[firegal]

I don't think I've ever slept in a bed that was up against the wall but I can see your point Smiling. You could always pull the bed out a foot or so right?

My reasoning is that I am being protective. If something comes in the door, it will be me that encounters it first. Just makes me feel better. It's the same reason I walk closest to the curb if I'm walking with a femme. It's just what I do and I'm sure I'm not the only one around her who feels this way.

I agree if I hear something I,m outa bed asap to investigate!

Also the curb thing,me too some say its old school. I say its my preference.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I get the bed, they get the floor, unless we travel then I allow them to be at my right, I like being close to the door.... I'm not sure what that has to do with Dominance other than it's who I am, bed or not..:|

[DapperButch]

I sleep on the left side so that when I turn towards my partner to have sexy times I am on the correct side of the bed for my dominant hand to roam.

I can't think of a time/bedroom where this didn't mean I wasn't closest to the door. I definitely don't like the wall, either.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I sleep on the left side so that when I turn towards my partner to have sexy times I am on the correct side of the bed for my dominant hand to roam.

I can't think of a time/bedroom where this didn't mean I wasn't closest to the door. I definitely don't like the wall, either.


in my bed..

It takes 2 hands for sexy times...

:cherry:

[DapperButch]

in my bed..

It takes 2 hands for sexy times...

:cherry:

I'm usually picking my nose with the other hand.

[tantalizingfemme]

I'm usually picking my nose with the other hand.

Oh yeah...those are some sexy times.

[imperfect_cupcake]

i actually prefer the inside of the bed, the bottom bunk, the seat with my back facing the wall in the restaurant. Not because I want someone to protect me... I live in canada. what someone going to do? say excuse me, please? I dont have that sense of fear where I feel i need protecting from anything.

However, I feel more comfortable and relaxed in closed in spaces. I even love little dark caves. Childhood thing.

However, the sidewalk thing... if someone is *always* on the outside of me i find it restricts my movement as zig zag around and look at things. People actually get in the way when they do that rigidly. If they can do it so I don't notice that's what they are doing? fab. but it does get irritating when I start feeling hemmed in by someone who insists on always being on the outside. Doing it as is organic and flowing, mixing it up as we move around, but I have been with really "must. walk. on. outside. edge" and they have fucked my natural piddling about with meandering. It starts to feel like someone walking sideways next to you being a human fence.

and as the song goes ... "don't fence me in"

But I do love those who can pull off smooth manners like that without me noticing. That takes some skill. Just like I do very subtle things that I personally consider old fashioned, and the point is that they are to be seamless and unnoticable. at least, that the way I like to perform them :)

[Kelt]

Drivers side. :sunglass:

[cinnamongrrl]

Im always closest to the door. Residual mom thing...

[DapperButch]

Drivers side. :sunglass:

Which country?

[Mar]

I sleep by the door, or window should there be one. Its something I do naturally as a protective measure, but I don't believe that which side you sleep on alone is a sign of Dominance. There has to be more to it than that for me to see a connection.

[Okiebug61]

As long as I wake up with Red beside me, I have no worries what side I am on.

[nycfem]

I sleep on the left side in our current bed in our current home. I didn't ever notice what side I was on until I read this quiz and had to think about it. I totally don't get how it has to do with dominance but this thread has been interesting to read, and I'm not even sure why :blink:. I also am fascinated that people on this thread consider sleeping in these "protective" positions. Who knew? I thought I was into old school but apparently it has depths beyond my knowledge base. It was also weird to start thinking of one side of the bed as protected and the other as dangerous. I'm trying to take it all in!

For me I just want to be closest to the bathroom and the door. I want to be able to get up. I want to have space and a table right by me. I always assert this right away. "Do you mind if I..." Any butch or FTM that I've ended up in a relationship with has always been totally chill about this. It's better for them anyway, because I'm very hyperactive and take a long time going to sleep. If I was boxed in, the other person would never be able to sleep.

Once I was dating a butch and after we slept together, and I did my "Do you mind if I..." Hy said seriously and calmly but directly, "That's really selfish of you." Ugh, an argument AFTER sex, processing, having to take stock of whether I'm a bitch --while eye opening, I just somehow knew that the "side of the bed" question becoming an issue meant we would not end up in a relationship, and we didn't, so it got me thinking as I read this thread- that our needs for what side of the bed we sleep on and approaches to it, probably are some deep shit.

Then I thought about why I ended up with partners who were so cool about my always picking that side of the bed. Is it because I like being a princess? Don't answer that! It's just me thinking out loud and probably better for me to hash out in my own mind or with a trained professional.

I think it would be hella hot to be expected to sleep on the floor. Fuck yes! But outside of that scenario, I guess I'm quick to box someone into the wall :mohawk:

[Martina]

Closest to the door so I can go to the bathroom during the night. Teacher's bladder. When I have to go, I have to go.

[theoddz]

Using IN the bed as a reference, I sleep on the right and Dear Wife sleeps on the left. I prefer to sleep on my back and on my right side, and Dear Wife sleeps on her left side. Our furbabies (Henry and Lil'Bit), cuddle up between and around us. :winky::heartbeat:

Our frogs?? Well, they prefer the left side of The Big Frog House....piled up together, in the corner. :awww::frog:

~Theo~ :bouquet:

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I sleep on the right, and on my right side (facing the outside of the bed). This has only been a problem when I was sleeping with someone who felt I was "rejecting" them by turning my back to them to sleep. (And no, I did _not_ just do the deed and then roll over to go to sleep. I spent plenty of time cuddling.) This has happened with a few different people, who didn't work out in the end. I have to say, I felt their need to always sleep facing each other was needy and manipulative. I don't like people breathing in my face all night, and my spine didn't appreciate it either (I have to turn over a couple of times during the night). :rolleyes:

[CherylNYC]

Once I was dating a butch and after we slept together, and I did my "Do you mind if I..." Hy said seriously and calmly but directly, "That's really selfish of you." ...:mohawk:

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but... What a JERK! You dodged the bullet on that one.

[CherryWine]

Like nycfem said, this thread really has been an interesting read! It has really never really crossed my mind, but now that I think about it, I have always slept on the left side. The left side has always been closest to the door, but I don't really think that has anything to do with it. Whenever there have been any strange noises, my partner is always the first to jump up and investigate. She wouldn't let me even if I tried.

I just asked my partner who she thought was the most dominant in our relationship, and she said "You mean like ruling the relationship? You." Then she gave me the side eye. Lol! So, I don't think our bed side preference has anything do with dominance.

[The_Lady_Snow]

In my experience to date, I've noticed a correlation between dominance and bed side preference. That is, where there is a dominant character in a pairing (not necessarily dominant as a sexual identity) that they prefer to sleep on the right hand side of the bed.

Has anyone else noticed anything similar? Does the theory fit you?


Do you know a lot of Dom/Dommes/Tops/Dominants/Masters who prefer a the right side of the bed? I display myself via flagging when out and about sometimes to let people know the dynamic, and left is Dominant, how did the right side get picked as the dominant side? How was it assigned? I am asking because I have never deconstructed my bed before as far as how I identify or am.. So I have been thinking and thinking about it and had the questions above, I may have more because things like this make me think...

Happy New Year!

[Corkey]

Left side, closest to the door, closest to the bathroom, closest to the 2nd set of windows, closest to the heater, closest to the fan, closest to the scratching board for the cat and last but not least closest the the back door, in case of emergency. I don't think personally given all of the above it is a dominant thing as much as my wife lets me thing.... and I'm the Dom.

[EnchantedNightDweller]

My guy can have whichever side of the bed he wants. :heartbeat::hk35:

[Femmadian]

Dominant and a right side sleeper here.

I would say that the right side-dominant and left side-submissive thing has borne out for about 70% of my experiences if I look back. Then again, maybe I'm just a stubborn ass when it comes to the bed side. Who knows? :p

So, I sleep on the right side of the bed (along the edge), on my right side, and usually with my right arm up and under the pillow in a sort of modified Superman pose. I'm also right handed. I wonder if hand dominance factors in as well...? :thinking:

For me, sleeping on the right side of my body is most important overall, especially when sharing the bed with someone. If I'm spooning someone while falling asleep, I prefer to be on my right. If I'm being spooned, I still prefer to be on my right. If I'm cuddling up to their chest while they're on their back or we're intertwined while facing each other, still the right side preference remains. Anything else just feels awkward and uncomfortable.

I don't care if I'm by the door or not. If you want to sleep on the side closest to the door because you feel protective about it or something, that's fine... as long as it's on the left side. :D

I also can't sleep by the wall if the bed is pushed up against it. I will, without fail, end up kicking it throughout the night, usually followed by a somewhat delayed "ow" muttered under my breath as my sleepy brain takes a moment to register the shooting pain in my foot. I usually like to dangle one foot slightly over the edge which is impossible to do when it's pushed up against the wall (though it doesn't stop me from trying, apparently!).

I really do have a hard time sleeping on the left and especially when in a new environment with a partner. It's to the point that I'm often not even able to fall asleep if I'm "left on the left." Resting on my right side when on the left side of the mattress feels like I'm getting a face full of bed when I sleep... slightly suffocating and I feel trapped. I wish that wasn't the case (because it's really annoying!) but my body just won't relax enough in those scenarios to fall asleep.

Now, once I'm asleep, that's a different story. I've always been a notoriously deep sleeper. Growing up, it was a daily ordeal for my family to wake me up for school in the morning. They either had to resort to jumping up and down on the bed and over my comatose body (which would usually take a minute or two to take effect) or they would employ a "release the hounds!" approach and let the dog(s) in to get them excited and have them jumping all over me instead. Seemed to do the trick. I am totally that person who has to set at least five alarms on her phone because I will usually sleep/snooze through the first four (at least!). So, once I'm out, I'm out. I once joked to a partner who also liked to sleep on the right (who was slightly dominant, or at least tried to be... :p) that I needed to be on the right side to fall asleep but that once I was there you could probably move me in my sleep and I wouldn't notice. Well, that morning I woke up and I was mysteriously laying on the left side of the bed and they were sleeping soundly on the right! They had moved me in the night and I didn't even notice. :|

So, I guess if my partner has a really strong preference for the right as well, they could always just stay awake and try something like that...? That said, I'm also the owliest of night owls so I will probably just end up outlasting you anyway. :jester:

[candy_coated_bitch]

Once I was dating a butch and after we slept together, and I did my "Do you mind if I..." Hy said seriously and calmly but directly, "That's really selfish of you." Ugh, an argument AFTER sex, processing, having to take stock of whether I'm a bitch --while eye opening, I just somehow knew that the "side of the bed" question becoming an issue meant we would not end up in a relationship, and we didn't, so it got me thinking as I read this thread- that our needs for what side of the bed we sleep on and approaches to it, probably are some deep shit.

Yes, I absolutely think that is true a lot of the time. For me--the fact that I'm a Domme and have mostly but not exclusively slept on the right side of the bed is an interesting coincidence as far as the side of the bed theory. When I initially said it depends on all of my sleeping paranoias, I sincerely meant that my choice of side of the bed is motivated by some deep shit. Which includes PTSD/trauma stuff and chronic insomnia and nightmares.

I prefer to be farthest away from the door, with my partner between me and the door. I like that protective thing even though I'm a Domme. For me it feels more like a service thing and also somebody accommodating my needs rather than someone being dominant over me because they take the protective position. However, I ALSO need to be free to get out of bed repeatedly through the night because I usually sleep very little and sometimes not at all. I have a lot of anxiety and panic around sleep and if I am boxed into the bed with no way to freely get out I feel like I am suffocating. Sometimes these two needs conflict depending on how a room is set up.

Right now I don't share a bed with anyone so my room and bed are set up purely based on the fact that I sleep alone. My bed is in the corner farthest from the door, which means the right hand side of the bed is boxed into a corner. I have a huge dresser at the foot of bed, between the bed and the door, sort of creating a little sleeping box/nook that is protected, yet completely open on the left hand side so I can get out of bed very easily, and the left hand side also has a bedside table with all the things I might need or want in the middle of the night. All of this is very deliberate.

Sharing this bed set up would be problematic with another person because it means I'd have to choose between my need to be as far away from the door as possible and my need to be able to freely get up during the night. In this case--I would choose being able to get up freely during the middle of the night and not feel boxed in. The bed feels reasonably well protected because of the dresser, my bedroom door has a lock on it, and being boxed in is by far and away the greater of the two evils. And for the record--it would put me on the left side of the bed.

NONE of this has to do with dominance at all. I expect who I sleep with to accommodate me. Ok maybe it's partially out of dominance or having a dominant personality LOL, but mainly I expect someone to comply with my wishes out of respect for the fact that I literally will not sleep even a minute if someone else puts my sleeping issues too out of whack. Usually it doesn't matter as much to the other person so I don't feel bad about it for even a second. I also could not be in a relationship with someone who did not have a more casual attitude towards side of the bed issues than myself.

Anywho. Not sure now why I shared all that except for that I am finding this thread interesting as well and to illustrate that side of the bed choice can be a complicated thing that is unrelated to dominance at all. I absolutely see how it comes into play. But it can also be "deep shit" as nycfem puts it, thing that have to do with convenience, or maybe something else no one has even mentioned yet.

[ksrainbow]

Being that this a new *thread*...I prefer a high quality *thread-count* for comfort and warmth :)

[Liam]

As I have grown older, my observation is that the person with the smallest bladder gets to sleep on the outside of the bed, when the other side of the bed is against the wall.

[C0LLETTE]

Even when sleeping alone, I sleep on the left side of the bed, even when it means walking around the bed to get there. I think it's cause I'm right handed. :groucho:

[grenade]

Either side for me. I've slept on both sides. I flop around all night, am up and down, talk in my sleep, do karate moves... I know I am hard to sleep with so I try to be considerate of my bedmate. I do prefer to be close to the door to get to my kids if needed.

Once my spot has been established, it is mine. I have issues with change.

[Ginger]

If my lover is right-handed, I sleep on her left. If she's left-handed, I sleep on her right.

[MasterfulButch]

Firstly, thanks to everyone who has posted in this thread. It’s really thought-provoking to read your answers and see the different things that are important to people.

Do you know a lot of Dom/Dommes/Tops/Dominants/Masters who prefer a the right side of the bed? I display myself via flagging when out and about sometimes to let people know the dynamic, and left is Dominant, how did the right side get picked as the dominant side? How was it assigned? I am asking because I have never deconstructed my bed before as far as how I identify or am.. So I have been thinking and thinking about it and had the questions above, I may have more because things like this make me think…

No, there’s nothing formal behind my initial theory. It’s purely based on my experiences and the responses of friends I’ve spoken about it with in the past. I had considered the possibility that a right-handed dominant may prefer the right side of the bed so their lead hand was unencumbered for activity to their left. When posting, I was particularly curious as to whether any left-handed dominants may step forward with a preference for the left side of the bed. I didn’t want to skew the results by postulating too much at the start but it’s interesting that more than one contributor has referenced this factor.

What these responses have shown me is that there are many more elements at play and whilst dominance may affect an outcome, there are other considerations which are likely to be of more conscious concern.

Personally, I’m hyper conscious of the space I take up, both in waking life and in bed. I currently sleep alone but have a super king size bed so there is plenty of space for when I do have company. When I’ve been with companions who have small beds I’ve found I tend to keep myself awake so I can consciously minimise my footprint. Once I’ve reached a point of drowsiness where I can’t be sure that I am, then I switch to the floor. At this point my partner will end up with her choice of side of the bed regardless of any dominance on my part.

I suppose it makes sense that the potential vulnerability inherent in sleep means that our environment has particular importance to us. I appreciate this opportunity to hear about what matters to others for future reference.

[QueenofSmirks]

...
So, I sleep on the right side of the bed (along the edge), on my right side, and usually with my right arm up and under the pillow in a sort of modified Superman pose. I'm also right handed. ...

Me too, exactly as you described... about 90% of the time. About 10% of the time I find myself in some other random position, but not often.

However, if I'm in someone else's bed, I defer to them on whichever side they want to sleep on. I'm well aware that many people have sleep issues, and I want everyone to be comfortable in their own bed. I sleep better when I'm alone, in my own bed. When I travel, I rarely sleep well; when I'm in someone else's bed, I wake up every couple of hours.

[Cin]

In my experience to date, I've noticed a correlation between dominance and bed side preference. That is, where there is a dominant character in a pairing (not necessarily dominant as a sexual identity) that they prefer to sleep on the right hand side of the bed.

Has anyone else noticed anything similar? Does the theory fit you?

I'm trying to figure out what dominant would entail when not talking about sex or sexual identity and the OP mentioned that it is not necessarily about dominant in a sexual identity. So what does dominant look like in a non sexual context. I guess I would consider myself the sexually dominant one in my marriage but in every other way possible I defer to my wife. Does that make me submissive? Or dominant? But is it dominance when she isn't dominating me? I just like her to have her way whenever possible? I think I sleep on the right. That is if the right is the side that's on the right when you are in the bed. But if you are standing in front of the bed to make the call then my wife sleeps on the right and she is not sexually dominant but she most always gets her way if I have anything to say about it.

I seem to be unclear on the definition of dominant if you remove sex from the equation.

[*Anya*]

I'm trying to figure out what dominant would entail when not talking about sex or sexual identity and the OP mentioned that it is not necessarily about dominant in a sexual identity. So what does dominant look like in a non sexual context. I guess I would consider myself the sexually dominant one in my marriage but in every other way possible I defer to my wife. Does that make me submissive? Or dominant? But is it dominance when she isn't dominating me? I just like her to have her way whenever possible? I think I sleep on the right. That is if the right is the side that's on the right when you are in the bed. But if you are standing in front of the bed to make the call then my wife sleeps on the right and she is not sexually dominant but she most always gets her way if I have anything to say about it.

I seem to be unclear on the definition of dominant if you remove sex from the equation.

Miss Tick! Missed you around here! Your lovely wife, too.

Happy Holidays, wherever and whenever you are dominant!

I have a couple of different reasons that I always need to lay (lie? I never get them correctly) on my right side;

1. My right eyelid twitches a little when I am falling asleep. I have no idea why, it just does. If my face is on the pillow on my right side, I do not notice it and I can fall asleep.

2. I had back surgery a long, long time ago and it is better for my back if I have pillows under my knees and along my right side.

As we fall asleep, she is the big spoon and I am the little spoon so we both face on our right sides to spoon (hope that makes sense).

For sex, she likes me on her left side so she can use her (dominant) right hand.

Oh dear, this all sounds so complicated. It does work very simply in practice, however.

She likes to think she is the dominant one in our relationship and I guess that she really is-sexually and otherwise.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I only feel uncomfortable with someone in my bed if it's new - I wake up a lot. I think that's rather normal. However, the last person I dated a bit more seriously, because there was such a good click, I felt comfortable off the bat. She was dominant and chose the inside of the bed. She had horrible nightmares so I'd cuddle her to sleep and tell stories. I have a nice, soft, deep, feminine voice, with a soft west canadian accent that's been influenced with a very mild southern english accent. which is great for relaxing people. If she fitted I'd wake up, press up against her and tell her a story, leaving her asleep but stopping the anxiety.

In sleep we are very vulnerable, and I get the urge to be protective, I get it too. But I'm hardly going to be protecting someone from some marauding night burglar. LOL. That thought seems incredibly absurd and beyond unlikely. But that's probably to do with where I live. Protective stances are appreciated just so long as they don't think they have to be aggressive to others. I have had partners like that. My exwife I called "my dutch Doberman" and although I appreciated the protective stance, she would, on occasion get a bit over the top with it. Annoying.

She did finally learn to let me deal with things on my own, first and be backup instead.

But, I can be pretty fiercely protective too, having said that.

/off topic.

[MasterfulButch]

I'm trying to figure out what dominant would entail when not talking about sex or sexual identity and the OP mentioned that it is not necessarily about dominant in a sexual identity. So what does dominant look like in a non sexual context. I guess I would consider myself the sexually dominant one in my marriage but in every other way possible I defer to my wife. Does that make me submissive? Or dominant? But is it dominance when she isn't dominating me? I just like her to have her way whenever possible? I think I sleep on the right. That is if the right is the side that's on the right when you are in the bed. But if you are standing in front of the bed to make the call then my wife sleeps on the right and she is not sexually dominant but she most always gets her way if I have anything to say about it.

I seem to be unclear on the definition of dominant if you remove sex from the equation.

To be fair, I think everyone’s take on what constitutes dominance probably differs.

My intention when separating dominance from sexual energy was a focus on inclusion. I’m sure there are those who eschew the label of being a sexual dominant yet still consider themselves to be the dominant one in their relationship dynamic. I didn’t want people reading the thread to think it was only aimed at those where there was a clearly defined sexual dominance at play.

As for dominance outside of the sexual arena, in the interests of providing one perspective on your question, I would say it boils down to decision making. If one party defers to another, say about which movie to watch, it could mean they are submissive, yes. Alternatively, it could mean that they are dominant because they make the choice which is to defer. It could also be that there is no formal power dynamic in play but on this day, at this moment, one has a hankering for a certain film and the other has no strong inclination either way.

Ultimately, I think the only person who can answer whether something makes them dominant or submissive or anywhere in between is the person who is experiencing it.

[Corkey]

Ok, I'm a Dom, always. It doesn't matter what situation, upright and walking or prone. Can't speak for others but that's just me. Deffering to my wife is called communication in our home. We're married and she gets a say in our relationship....

[Logicaly]

I used to always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. It was just something I did, I always figured if someone comes in that door that isn't supposed to, they have to hit me first. If I sleep alone, I take up the whole damn bed! However now that I am sharing my bed again, I find myself sleeping on the side furthest from the door (right side). Only because I want to cuddle her at night, and its less painful for me to sleep on my left shoulder than my right.

[bright_arrow]

I sleep on my right side, so bed preference isn't really that big of a deal as long as I can sleep on my right side and still get cuddled! Occasionally I will sleep on my left side but it's rare and most often when I am not feeling well.

[The_Lady_Snow]

When I get home tonight I'm going to sleep on the other side, kind of like an experiment of sorts, I want to see if my Dominant self is affected, or if I sleep better, or dream more.

I'll let y'all know how that goes later on..

[girlin2une]

I am most definitely NOT the dominant partner in a relationship, but I AM left handed. I choose to sleep facing the wall...actually with my head touching the wall (typically on my left side but right side of bed)...on a side note, I am the only one in my bed, and I find it rather comforting to sleep diagonally (top right corner to bottom left corner, although I really don't take up much room)
*hope I've not confused the planet* :seeingstars:

[Bard]

I usually sleep nearest to the door. But tend to roll to my left side now that my shoulder allows it. But really if she wanted that side I can be persuaded. I have always preferred to be near the door. . Just in case ya know the only time I wasn't was in our old apartment strange.. ahh well

[Kätzchen]

My preference for a social life in bed centers primarily upon getting some rest (sleep). If it also includes a delicious variety of entanglements , then I would feel delightfully content.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'm still Dominant, still slept well and feel no different, tonight I'm flipping and sleeping with my feet towards the headboard and will allow the bed to be occupied!


See y'all tomorrow!

[princessbelle]

What an interesting thread. Isn't it intriquing to read someone's thoughts and think...what in the world? It makes ya think though.

I'm still a little unclear which is the right side or which is the left. Is it facing the bed or in the bed? I believe this was asked but the only answer i could find was a reference to right handed people sleep on the right (if dominate). I didn't quote that because that wasn't the exact words.

So, I'm thinking it is the right and left while actually in the bed. So, in that case, i would be a lefty. Which, if the theory is even partially correct, would correlate with me being a submissive. And, now that i think about it, ive had a left handed partner that indeed slept on the left and i was on the right. So, i'm thinking the hypothesis would be pretty true for me.

And actually it is more about left/right than about the door. The door could be anywhere, still the same on the side of the bed that i sleep on.

Very interesting.

Leave it to me to be a normal statistic.

[RockOn]

When partnered, I have to sleep on the side which puts me between her and the bedroom door. The reason is because if an intruder breaks in, I feel I am better positioned to protect her and get "at" the intruder faster. I have always had a very protective nature. It's my job.

Generally when single, I am sprawled all over and just try not to mash a dog. Lately, I am doing good to crawl in between dogs and hope I can stake out enough wiggle room for myself. Jennifer (pocket - pittie) doesn't take up much real estate but Kevin (100+ lbs. mastiff-bully mix) likes the middle half of the bed. :( I have often thought about getting him his own twin-size bed.

[MasterfulButch]

To clarify, I was working on the basis of being in the bed. Personally I find it more fun that way than standing looking at it. :p So yes, anyway, the right from the perspective of lying in the bed with your head on the pillow. :)

[diamondrose]

Iv always slept furthest from the door

[NitroChrys_Butch]

In bed, it would be the left side.

It is also closest to the door.

Our bed, with its massive wall unit surrounding the king-sized bed, is centered on the wall with about two feet on either side. The wall unit has built in compartments and night stand tops that drop down with built-in lights. It is very cool. With drawers on both sides under the mattress.

I have always slept closet to the door and I suppose it was a subconscious decision to protect whomever. Now I protect My wife. With My life. God help the stupid SOB that comes into our home.

The nice thing about this wall unit is is the secret compartment that houses two loaded guns. It is always locked but the key is within easy reach.

[ahk]

Interesting stuff-

For myself- I really don't give a crap what side I sleep on. For the past 6 years I've been on the left side of the bed- except for a small period when I had hand surgery on right side and I needed to trade. When I was all healed, back to the left I went.

I am nearest to the door, the bathroom, I'm left handed but dominant in my right, I tend to sleep on my stomach so neither side sleeper, but tend to face out to the left, not much a cuddler, unless we've had 2am sex or a weird dream. Our lil fuzzy butts sleep in their assigned areas of bed. Go figure.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Do people really have a lot of strangers coming into the house in the middle of the night?
Its just nothing I ever worry about. It's only happened twice in my life and both times it wasn't just one person subduing the guy, it was all of us. Save the one calling the police.

But in either case, it didn't matter what side of the bed any of us were on. We were all needed.

And it's just nothing I ever worry about. I asked my mates, out of curiosity, and their answer was no. Save two people we had some anxiety issues. But these are all people in vancouver, Calgary, toronto, london, oxoford, amsterdam, koln, and Christchurch.

Is this a states thing? Or?

[RNguy]

I prefer to sleep closest to the door and I strongly prefer to be the outer spoon holding whoever I'm in a relationship with .

[DapperButch]

Do people really have a lot of strangers coming into the house in the middle of the night?

Its just nothing I ever worry about. It's only happened twice in my life and both times it wasn't just one person subduing the guy, it was all of us. Save the one calling the police.


Priceless :simplelaugh: (and so spot on).

You know (N.) Americans, and the legacy of thought that we always need to be at the ready to defend ourselves (mostly seen in places where there is the least amount of crime). We all have our shotguns next to the door, too. :|


(IC, thanks for the bursting out laughter this morning. Your delivery was great.)

[randrum]

It's funny. I never thought about this until reading this thread. But I do have a side of the bed.

When sleeping with a partner, I've always slept nearest to the door. Just sort of naturally (unconsciously) gravitated there.

But currently only my dog shares my bed. And I have noticed (and commented to other people) that he always positions himself between me and the door. Guess he thinks it's his job to protect me.

[Gemme]

Do people really have a lot of strangers coming into the house in the middle of the night?
Its just nothing I ever worry about. It's only happened twice in my life and both times it wasn't just one person subduing the guy, it was all of us. Save the one calling the police.

But in either case, it didn't matter what side of the bed any of us were on. We were all needed.

And it's just nothing I ever worry about. I asked my mates, out of curiosity, and their answer was no. Save two people we had some anxiety issues. But these are all people in vancouver, Calgary, toronto, london, oxoford, amsterdam, koln, and Christchurch.

Is this a states thing? Or?

Priceless :simplelaugh: (and so spot on).

You know (N.) Americans, and the legacy of thought that we always need to be at the ready to defend ourselves (mostly seen in places where there is the least amount of crime). We all have our shotguns next to the door, too. :|


(IC, thanks for the bursting out laughter this morning. Your delivery was great.)

Dapper, I'm surprised at you!

cupcake, it depends on where you live. Sure, some people have a 'protective' instinct regardless of gender or identity but I imagine it comes down to life experience for many.

Some live in high crime areas, so yes, an intrusion might be a possibility. You yourself said it's happened to you twice. As an adult, it has not happened to me at all. *knock on wood*

Also, I would imagine there's the emotional and psychological component. In a lot of situations, especially with butches, FTMS, transguys and others who do not or could not 'hide' their orientation, prejudice plays a part. We all know that people will often step to our partners, brothers and sisters and be ugly with hate. It can promote an 'us vs. them' mentality which may play into it.

I know that I am fiercely protective of my personal space. It's my adult womb, I guess you could say. And, for many, the core of that womb is the bedroom. It's a place of intimacy and vulnerability that we share with our life partners. Who wants an uninvited someone to penetrate that sanctity?

I hope I'm making sense.

[imperfect_cupcake]

But even though it's happened twice I highly ever doubt it would happen again. And my butch partners don't seem to feel they have to protect me in their own home. I did say I asked all my friends who aren't americans and no, none of them say it crosses their mind. London has some very high crime rates. No one there that I'm friends with thinks about this.

I'm going to assume this is an American thing I won't get.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I find it to be a one dimensional, binary, sexist, machismo kind of thing... I don't subscribe to things that put women, feminine, Femme in weak like spotlight.. When I go to sleep the last thing I do is make it about my natural Dominance, I just wanna go to sleep... Where I sleep isn't going to deter a person who is breaking and entering.. It's not the way I roll, so what others do isn't a priority until generalizing happens and when Dominance gets thrown around into very stereotyped generalizations..


As Dapper stated it could be as simple as being in defensive mode at all times, it's like being in the hood 24/7, even then I'm like how many of us do live that experience, cause in reality one's to busy surviving to worry about Dominant status, if the ghetto birds are flying over us after gun shots, Dominance isn't the main issue, making sure the house is on lock down is first thought..

Hope that makes sense

Do people really have a lot of strangers coming into the house in the middle of the night?
Its just nothing I ever worry about. It's only happened twice in my life and both times it wasn't just one person subduing the guy, it was all of us. Save the one calling the police.

But in either case, it didn't matter what side of the bed any of us were on. We were all needed.

And it's just nothing I ever worry about. I asked my mates, out of curiosity, and their answer was no. Save two people we had some anxiety issues. But these are all people in vancouver, Calgary, toronto, london, oxoford, amsterdam, koln, and Christchurch.

Is this a states thing? Or?

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'm not sure how being a butch, Transguy or FTM fits this bed behavior.. I've not had someone tell me that because they are xyz I gotta sleep in the submissive side of the bed, I'd laugh and would have to remind whomever that I'm WAYYYYY stronger (cause I normally am) than anyone...

How did you come up with those statistics? I'm curious...

This whole bed thing is interesting, cause the bed is for sleeping, fucking and I've yet to equate it to my hood, safety, or Dominance..

Unless... Bullets are flying then furniture placement is important, but hell even then bullets pierce walls, ain't no Dominance in the world that's going to stop a bullet without someone getting hurt or killed..

[TruTexan]

For ME and ME ONLY, it's because of my up bringing, it's natural thing for me to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door. I don't like anyone coming into my personal room without being invited. Yes, there are a lot of break-ins in the US and I"m sorta fearful of that. Whether I'm partnered or not, I still sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door, I can hear better towards the rest of my apt. I sleep with my door open as well. When I had my dog for 12 yrs, he slept in the door way of my bedroom and the living room which was nearest the front door. FOR ME, it's become a security thing since I was a child. I'm a natural caretaker, and I would feel better knowing that I'm closest to the door incase someone did come in uninvited. I had that happen when I was 18 and living on my own in an apt. The neighbor downstairs , a young woman, was intruded upon during sleep and was raped. The rapist came back to our apts and broke into my apt front door by removing the slatted window glass on my door. I met him coming into my bedroom, standing behind the door holding a bat in my hands, waited for him to step into my room and bam, I beat the hell outta that guy with my bat. Then when he was unconscious, I called the police, and they arrested him for breaking and entering on my apt. They later called in the young woman downstairs to a line-up to see if she could ID him as her rapist...........She did. She wasn't home the night my apt. was broken into, but I'm sure that guy had a headache the size of Texas when I finally stopped beating his ass.
There is for ME , a huge reason I stay in protected mode most of the time, it has to do with how I was treated as a child and teenager growing up. Abuse is that very reason. So, because of that, I still live in protected mode and can't stand to NOT know my surroundings at all times. I know it's not everyone that sleeps near the door that has MY reasons, each of us has our own reasons. Just because you asked a few friends where you've lived that said no, doesn't mean there aren't others in London and other places you've lived that wouldn't say Yes. I don't know what it has to do with Dominance , it doesn't for me. It's just a protective thing.

[Daktari]

My brand of dominance says fuck sleeping nearest the door I'm putting my personal, skin covered draft excluder between me and the door, maybe at the door!

:canoworms:

[Femmadian]

With all due respect, I think it's particularly cold to
1) Make fun of people for not feeling safe in their community and
2) Make fun of them for the ways they choose to protect themselves and the people they love

Obviously, as Gemme said, people's reactions to this will be coloured by their own personal experiences and different people just react differently to the same situations. If you don't feel the need to protect yourself like they do, fine, but have a little respect.

I don't think it's wholly an American thing. I know several couples, both same and opposite sex ones, in my Canadian neck of the woods who sleep in a certain position or proximity to the door in order to protect the ones important to them should the need arise. As far as I know, for them it has nothing to do with sexual dominance. While some of it does seem to fall on traditional gender or sex roles, I think a lot of it just has to do with one person recognizing that they're bigger, stronger, whatever and better able to fight off a would-be attacker than the person beside them. My mother did this with me when she was a single mother and we shared a bed. I did the same for my younger sister when my mother worked nights and it was my place to be the responsible, protective one. It doesn't mean that the protective person looks down on the other person or is acting out some macho role playing. In my experience, it just means that a desire to protect those who are important to you or not as physically strong as you (which is not in and of itself a value judgment and not something I believe needs to be skewered).

Furthermore, one thing I think people are perhaps overlooking is that not everyone has faith in their local police force. Many of us, through personal experience, have come to realize that the police in our communities cannot be relied upon and are often the aggressors, not the saviours the culture would sometimes have us believe. Just in my local community, an officer was recently given his job back after being charged with abuse of resources, assault, false arrest, and threatening to personally decapitate someone he thought was involved in a break-in at his house. I have had friends who have been dismissed and even laughed at when the police thought they were out of earshot when they came to report their rapes. I know people personally who have been beaten so badly by rogue police officers that they were hospitalized with broken bones and concussions. We have the highest rape rate and the lowest conviction rate in the country and the police response to peaceful protestors in a neighbouring community was so abhorrent it made international news and was even shown on Democracy Now.

Do I trust them to protect me if I need them in that environment? Fuck no.

Your backyard is not my backyard. :)

[imperfect_cupcake]

Ok. I guess I just don't know of anyone - cause I asked my mates in big cities and mega cities, where all the high frequency of crime is - and they said no, it doesn't even occur to them that after locking up for the night they might need to protect or be protected or protect themselves in their homes.

Since I didn't ask any americans in mega cities, i provisionally passed this off as just an American thing, a cultural trait. People tease me about canuck stuff, I laugh and I know it's not meant to be cruel at all.

Perhaps it's my sense of humour. I was teasing. Not "mocking cruelly". Perhaps that didn't come through for some people.

I assumed because of the gun culture, that was the reason or something. Who knows. I don't get it. I haven't. Met anyone in large urban places (or the few tiny towns I've lives in) that feels that way. I just assumed it was an American cultural thing to do with property or something. Yep, two people have come into my space. Once as kid - a Gorky teen from down the block and my mom got up and told him to get the fuck home and she was calling his mother. And the other when I lived in a drug heavy couple of blocks in vancouver, a guy came through the window armed with a 2x4 and we (two girls and a guy) all lept on him and got the plank off him while another bloke called the cops.

He was off his tits on something, so not exactly a movie style us home invasion of creepy dude with full weaponry and us having a panic room. Yes, I do think that kind of mentality is bizarre. Sorry, but I do. But then I don't live in the states so I'm not surrounded by it all the time. Anyway, plank taken away from dude and he was sat on till cops came. We didn't hurt him, there was no need for that kind of stuff. His was high as a fart is all.

I have had friends in London hear someone jiggling about outside but opening the window and yelling "OI PISS OFF" did the trick. There are oodles of break ins in London. It's *London* ffs. The cops don't have time to show up for robberies.

People who break into houses don't actually want to be there when you are there, they certainly don't want to risk waking you up by going into your bedroom (I knew people who did B&E in my late teens and they case your house for when you *arent* there) And you are *way*,waymore likely to get raped by someone you know.

So I figured maybe it was an American thing for so many people to feel the need to be protected in bed/protect in bed, rather than a one or two off from bad experience.

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. If it's a private and personal thing, sure. Get it. But if a whole group of people feel it, then it's not a private personal thing anymore. It's cultural and I don't get it. That's all I'm saying. If it makes you happy. Have at it. Not saying anyone is a bad person. Just think it's odd. I have been teased about my cultural traits all the time. When you are a foreigner, that rather happens several times a day lol. It's not meant in harm or cruelty.

No worries. Back to your regularly programmed bed thread.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Furthermore, one thing I think people are perhaps overlooking is that not everyone has faith in their local police force. Many of us, through personal experience, have come to realize that the police in our communities cannot be relied upon and are often the aggressors, not the saviours the culture would sometimes have us believe. Just in my local community, an officer was recently given his job back after being charged with abuse of resources, assault, false arrest, and threatening to personally decapitate someone he thought was involved in a break-in at his house. I have had friends who have been dismissed and even laughed at when the police thought they were out of earshot when they came to report their rapes. I know people personally who have been beaten so badly by rogue police officers that they were hospitalized with broken bones and concussions. We have the highest rape rate and the lowest conviction rate in the country and the police response to peaceful protestors in a neighbouring community was so abhorrent it made international news and was even shown on Democracy Now.

Do I trust them to protect me if I need them in that environment? Fuck no.

Your backyard is not my backyard. :)


I think it all depends where you live when it comes to police responding to *emergency calls*.. If you look at let's say where I live.. You go 1/4 mile up and you are in the neighborhood that when they dial 911 they will get quick response, people may say that's not true but in reality it is...

If you go half mile to the left, the police are cruising, looking to arrest someone, and sharking around and if something does happen that needs law enforcement, you are gonna wait...

Drive 20 minutes south and you got the beach, QUICK police response, very well policed neighborhoods, rare break in, so if you are living in the hood, where violence is part of everyday life I can see how EVERYONE is going to be protective of anyone in any room.. Protective stances are not gender oriented nor are they Dominant/submissive traits.

That's where the confusion is for some here (including myself) cause frankly Dominance is a trait and I thought it had zero to do with, where I slept in a bed cause either way someone breaks in they gotta go through dogs, me, and a whole other mess of obstacles before even reaching *my side* of the bed...

[Jess]

Aloha Y'all :hangloose:

I have to admit that when I first saw the title of this thread, my initial reaction was...

REALLY?!?!:|

Personally, my dominance is more reflected during what we "do" in bed as opposed to what side I sleep on. The responses here made me think, however, that there are often more considerations we make in even such simple things as "what side of the bed we sleep on". I generally sleep on the right and there is a list of reasons, primarily stemming from physical issues/needs and even those change over time.

I am willing to negotiate just about everything in my relationship except hard limit/deal breaker issues. The side of the bed isn't one of those...lol

I have fibro (among other issues) that often make me a less than sound sleeper (read: I move/roll around in bed a lot as I have to shift because I hurt). I sometimes snore. More often than not, I emit a pretty impressive amount of body heat (I have had partners who actually move as far away as they can after I am asleep and the furnace kicks in). I sometimes suffer insomnia and/or burning brain that won't turn off, so I fidget even more.

That being said, I am just grateful to be able to sleep in the bed with my lady as opposed to being sent to the couch...(LOL) which actually I have done myself in order to allow my mate to be able to get ample rest.

While I see no relevance in the notion of one side being an obvious choice for Dominant persons, this thread has sparked a few thoughts and I may return to expand on some. (I forget sometimes to get back to a thread, so.. not a promise or declaration.. just a maybe :)

Thanks for the brain candy MB.

:cigar2:

[imperfect_cupcake]

Lol I guess when I heard the hypothesis put forward I thought, huh, interesting hypothesis. Wonder if it sticks. I didn't really put more in it than that and I like questions that have to do with behavioural hypothesis. I studied monkeys! I did environmental behaviouralism. I did cultural studies and got a degree in it so my brain asks the same generalist questions.

Why do groups of people/primates do X? Is it because of Y? Let's investigate and find out.
By doing that I found some amazing behaviour in male red mantled howlers that had never been seen before, in a species that had been studied for decades. Null hypothesis, or "nope, not it" is as valuable as a positive. So I saw the question as an interesting question.

To actually go into the "why" of why a question was asked and the background of the researcher is called "reflexivity." And MB stated their bias research straight off. Which is quite a good thing when proposing a research question.

My question observation was similar and ment in a similar fashion, with pissing about. Because I'm a smart ass humour type person.

It's been an interesting read. :)

[Gemme]

I'm not sure how being a butch, Transguy or FTM fits this bed behavior.. I've not had someone tell me that because they are xyz I gotta sleep in the submissive side of the bed, I'd laugh and would have to remind whomever that I'm WAYYYYY stronger (cause I normally am) than anyone...

How did you come up with those statistics? I'm curious...

This whole bed thing is interesting, cause the bed is for sleeping, fucking and I've yet to equate it to my hood, safety, or Dominance..

Unless... Bullets are flying then furniture placement is important, but hell even then bullets pierce walls, ain't no Dominance in the world that's going to stop a bullet without someone getting hurt or killed..

Hey, Snow!

I'm guessing that this is directed towards my post.

First, I never said that whomever sleeps on the opposite side or farthest from the door is weak or femme or anything. I know that's kind of the point that was brought up earlier but I didn't make reference to that. I was directing my post to WHY someone might feel the need to be the one to sleep closest to the door. I wasn't even talking about the person who chose or was given the other side of the bed.

I also didn't post any statistics, so maybe that part's not for me?

My overall point was that it's not just one thing and it's not always a conscious decision. I was looking at the 'protective' angle rather than the dominant angle. Anyone can be dominant anywhere, in or out of the bedroom.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Hey, Snow!

I'm guessing that this is directed towards my post.

First, I never said that whomever sleeps on the opposite side or farthest from the door is weak or femme or anything. I know that's kind of the point that was brought up earlier but I didn't make reference to that. I was directing my post to WHY someone might feel the need to be the one to sleep closest to the door. I wasn't even talking about the person who chose or was given the other side of the bed.

I also didn't post any statistics, so maybe that part's not for me?

My overall point was that it's not just one thing and it's not always a conscious decision. I was looking at the 'protective' angle rather than the dominant angle. Anyone can be dominant anywhere, in or out of the bedroom.


Hey Gemme!!

I was wondering about your example of how we have to step up for our partners and how that came into the whole side of the bed thing, now that I read you I see and am clear you were coming from the *protective* angle which can literally apply to anyone be they FTM or Femme..

I'd like to clarify that I never implied *YOU* said anything that had to do with how women get portrayed as weak, I should of been more clear. I am lumping so much into one post on a phone that it may not be clear, it has been an interest read on how people choose to sleep in a bed, as for protective mode, well even I get that, as a woman walking the world dealing with people crossing personal boundaries is constant, I'm glad though that when I get home and want to sleep, how and where doesn't cross my mind I just go to sleep cause it's my space and I am pretty secure in it and it's perimeters even when there's a gun shot or two..:vigil:

Thank you for taking the time to dialogue :)

[Gemme]

Hey Gemme!!

I was wondering about your example of how we have to step up for our partners and how that came into the whole side of the bed thing, now that I read you I see and am clear you were coming from the *protective* angle which can literally apply to anyone be they FTM or Femme..

I'd like to clarify that I never implied *YOU* said anything that had to do with how women get portrayed as weak, I should of been more clear. I am lumping so much into one post on a phone that it may not be clear, it has been an interest read on how people choose to sleep in a bed, as for protective mode, well even I get that, as a woman walking the world dealing with people crossing personal boundaries is constant, I'm glad though that when I get home and want to sleep, how and where doesn't cross my mind I just go to sleep cause it's my space and I am pretty secure in it and it's perimeters even when there's a gun shot or two..:vigil:

Thank you for taking the time to dialogue :)

I didn't say that we have to step up for our partners. I said oftentimes people will step to our partners...as in get in their face, etc. Basically all the crap that people do to those of us that are visible in the public eye.

Sorry if I didn't make that clear earlier but I'm glad that you were able to understand what I was trying to say.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Fuckin Christ!

I'm going to have to not post via phone, I'm better off waiting for a bigger screen, thanks for the patience Gemme, I appreciate you😊

I didn't say that we have to step up for our partners. I said oftentimes people will step to our partners...as in get in their face, etc. Basically all the crap that people do to those of us that are visible in the public eye.

Sorry if I didn't make that clear earlier but I'm glad that you were able to understand what I was trying to say.

[Gemme]

Fuckin Christ!

I'm going to have to not post via phone, I'm better off waiting for a bigger screen, thanks for the patience Gemme, I appreciate you��

This cracked me up. :)

[imperfect_cupcake]

:D I love a good debate that ends well *wipes tear of joy*

[Cin]

Lol I guess when I heard the hypothesis put forward I thought, huh, interesting hypothesis. Wonder if it sticks. I didn't really put more in it than that and I like questions that have to do with behavioural hypothesis. I studied monkeys! I did environmental behaviouralism. I did cultural studies and got a degree in it so my brain asks the same generalist questions.

Why do groups of people/primates do X? Is it because of Y? Let's investigate and find out.
By doing that I found some amazing behaviour in male red mantled howlers that had never been seen before, in a species that had been studied for decades. Null hypothesis, or "nope, not it" is as valuable as a positive. So I saw the question as an interesting question.

To actually go into the "why" of why a question was asked and the background of the researcher is called "reflexivity." And MB stated their bias research straight off. Which is quite a good thing when proposing a research question.

My question observation was similar and ment in a similar fashion, with pissing about. Because I'm a smart ass humour type person.

It's been an interesting read. :)
I find this kind of thing very interesting. I'm always trying to understand cultural behavior, how something differs from one place to another. Like how misogyny wears different disguises depending on what country or culture you are looking at. I find it fascinating how different things are culturally here in Montreal than they were in Boston. Everything from driving etiquette (pedestrians have the right of way in Boston, other drivers are cut a lot of slack here in Montreal) to how xenophobia and prejudice against minorities looks from one place to the other. The most fun part for me is the speculation as to why it's different. The driving differences are easy to figure. Amongst other reasons things come up on the road by surprise here in Montreal. There are a lot less warning signs here than in the states. not so much hand holding. So drivers tend to cut each other lots of slack. Coming up with an hypothesis for the difference in how prejudice plays out differently one place from another is more complicated.

I know the safety thing is different here. Whenever we talk about buying a house in some deeply wooded area with no houses for miles or even going hiking/camping for an extended time on some trail through the mountains I always mention how I need to have a gun. My wife always looked both pained and puzzled when I say this. She does not have the same degree of fear for our safety that I have. Granted the word hypervigilant has come up in regards to my behavior by a variety of people over the years, and my life experiences growing up and as a young adult has nurtured this need to protect myself and those I love so I might be a bit of a caricature of American culture regarding safety issues. I truly believe my safety is always at risk. I have gotten better over the past 12 years that I have lived in Montreal with my wife, but it's still there. I honestly don't understand how anyone could not want some way to protect themselves and the people they love. I don't own a gun here. Nobody I know does. This is quite different from where I lived in the US. But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack. I wish I could say I believe it's overkill. I can understand that the other people in my life do think it is. They pretty much figure it's a quirk of mine, probably because I'm American. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a mixture of growing up in a culture where we are told on a daily basis how unsafe we are and experiencing first hand how unsafe I was. Those two things are a pretty potent combination. I know it fucked my head up. I don't know if it really is as dangerous a world as I think or not. Hopefully not. But either way I always enjoy analyzing things, taking it apart, examining it from every possible angle. To me it isn't about right or wrong, fault or blame, should or shouldn't, it's really just about the WHYs of things. Exploring why things are the way they are is really fun and also important to me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I find this kind of thing very interesting. I'm always trying to understand cultural behavior, how something differs from one place to another. Like how misogyny wears different disguises depending on what country or culture you are looking at. I find it fascinating how different things are culturally here in Montreal than they were in Boston. Everything from driving etiquette (pedestrians have the right of way in Boston, other drivers are cut a lot of slack here in Montreal) to how xenophobia and prejudice against minorities looks from one place to the other. The most fun part for me is the speculation as to why it's different. The driving differences are easy to figure. Amongst other reasons things come up on the road by surprise here in Montreal. There are a lot less warning signs here than in the states. not so much hand holding. So drivers tend to cut each other lots of slack. Coming up with an hypothesis for the difference in how prejudice plays out differently one place from another is more complicated.

I know the safety thing is different here. Whenever we talk about buying a house in some deeply wooded area with no houses for miles or even going hiking/camping for an extended time on some trail through the mountains I always mention how I need to have a gun. My wife always looked both pained and puzzled when I say this. She does not have the same degree of fear for our safety that I have. Granted the word hypervigilant has come up in regards to my behavior by a variety of people over the years, and my life experiences growing up and as a young adult has nurtured this need to protect myself and those I love so I might be a bit of a caricature of American culture regarding safety issues. I truly believe my safety is always at risk. I have gotten better over the past 12 years that I have lived in Montreal with my wife, but it's still there. I honestly don't understand how anyone could not want some way to protect themselves and the people they love. I don't own a gun here. Nobody I know does. This is quite different from where I lived in the US. But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack. I wish I could say I believe it's overkill. I can understand that the other people in my life do think it is. They pretty much figure it's a quirk of mine, probably because I'm American. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a mixture of growing up in a culture where we are told on a daily basis how unsafe we are and experiencing first hand how unsafe I was. Those two things are a pretty potent combination. I know it fucked my head up. I don't know if it really is as dangerous a world as I think or not. Hopefully not. But either way I always enjoy analyzing things, taking it apart, examining it from every possible angle. To me it isn't about right or wrong, fault or blame, should or shouldn't, it's really just about the WHYs of things. Exploring why things are the way they are is really fun and also important to me.

What an excellent and fascinating post. Thank you. I have to admit, even though I am rarely moved to :( when I read people posts, I do share you wife's "pain and puzzlement" (though to a much smaller degree, as I don't know you) but I did want to give you a ridiculous hug when I read "But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack" because in my brain that must be a hard way to live in your head, though I'm sure it isn't. It's possibly even mildly stimulating to figure out the best way to do X.

My brain, when I read that statement, goes "click click click" like an abacus and comes up with 1) personal experience combined with b) cultural back ground c) levels of personality that are just naturally suspicious (that's not a negative or positive btw) d) enjoys planning and coming up with mechanisms of execution for a variety variables therein. If you were having a cup of espresso with me I'd probably start asking you directed question to see if I was right or wrong and adjust as I went along. People are fascinating. And very enjoyable. That that you have questioned the reasons behind your desires and thoughts in both a personable and abstract way, makes me want to cover you in gold stickers lol.

You "get" it. The "whys" are absolutely fascinating, aren't they? And the theories and fun head games to figure out. It does make me fall in love with the universe, every time.

I can no more help this urge to constantly want to "why" about pretty much everything than people can help other basic personality traits and I know it drives others batshit at times. My dad said it found it challenging (I actually called him at 10pm last night to ask him about a couple of points on entanglement theory because I needed to understand something). Without this constant curiosity, I turn grey and droop. Horribly. It's why when I was much younger my brain used to chew on itself and drive me bananas. I thought I was nuts. No, I learned I am just very restless with needing to pick things apart and understand. Like some people need and love to take things apart physically to understand it - phones, cars, coffee makers, switches, computer codes - I do it abstractly and theoretically.

But I am relieved to hear from someone that has experienced a few different sides of a trait or perception. Coming home after 10 years I can see traits in the populace here I didn't know we're here before. And if I mention them, it is *mind boggling* how upset and defensive people can get to an observation that I am not passing judgement on. Just observing. And mentioning. It may be I find it bizarre and difficult to work with, but I don't judge someone as good or bad because of a cultural trait to a locality. It can just be frustrating to learn a way to work around it. Or with it.

It's a massive gift to be able to see where I came from with very different eyes. I can see my culture with outsider eyes. And it's stunning, weird, scary, fascinating, disturbing, funny and occasionally highly irritating.

What you've written is a fabulous snap shot. Thank you!

And people keep telling me I need to move to Montreal, it would suit me better, personality wise. I've only been once and I had an amazing time.


Oh! PS. Of course I want to protect people I love. I can be extremely fierce when I feel threatened or afraid for their safety. It's just I rarely feel threatened. I rarely feel unsafe in that way. I am also extremely confident that I, and they, will be able to handle whatever unforeseen event might happen. I just don't feel the worry. I *have* been very threatened. And hurt. I grew up being tortured by a psychopathic brother that I was left in care of. I was raped quite a few times by quite a few people. But all the hurt and pain suffered, all of the threats and damages has never come from the unknown or the stranger or the boogie man in the bush. The delivery of pain and suffering and damage has always been from people I knew and trusted.

The majority of attacks against my person that have done physical and lasting damage have come not from someone breaking into my home and hurting me in my bed, but from the person already sleeping next to me.

And I know police data gathered about rape, assault and murder of women, only something like 4% comes from a stranger. The boogieman isn't in the bush or outside my window. The boogieman is most often sleeping next to me.

[Cin]

Oh! PS. Of course I want to protect people I love. I can be extremely fierce when I feel threatened or afraid for their safety. It's just I rarely feel threatened. I rarely feel unsafe in that way. I am also extremely confident that I, and they, will be able to handle whatever unforeseen event might happen. I just don't feel the worry. I *have* been very threatened. And hurt. I grew up being tortured by a psychopathic brother that I was left in care of. I was raped quite a few times by quite a few people. But all the hurt and pain suffered, all of the threats and damages has never come from the unknown or the stranger or the boogie man in the bush. The delivery of pain and suffering and damage has always been from people I knew and trusted.

The majority of attacks against my person that have done physical and lasting damage have come not from someone breaking into my home and hurting me in my bed, but from the person already sleeping next to me.

And I know police data gathered about rape, assault and murder of women, only something like 4% comes from a stranger. The boogieman isn't in the bush or outside my window. The boogieman is most often sleeping next to me.

I get that the monster wears the face of my family member or in some cases my neighbor. As a kid, I was not beaten or burned by someone hiding in a bush jumping out every now and again to assault me, although it might have felt that way. Nor was I sexually abused by some stranger climbing in my bedroom window at night. It is absolutely true that the delivery of pain and suffering and damage has, at least while I was a kid, been from people I knew and should have been able to trust, more than that, people whose responsibility it should have been to protect me not hurt me. And since that is the case I have no answer as to why I am hypervigilant always scanning my environment for possible threats. I can only make guesses. Perhaps as an adult since I no longer fear the people I love, I must look elsewhere to satisfy my feelings of being unsafe. I have found a way to trust the people in my life, but having been deeply wounded I must find a place to put my misgivings and my mistrust. Perhaps there are other explanations. I don't know. We all find ways to live in peace. At least I hope we do.

I just feel much calmer and safer if I have a plan to protect my wife and myself. I would rather have the plan and not need it than need a plan and not have it. I would be perfectly happy not to feel this way, but I can't imagine that happening. It seems cavalier and foolish to take such chances. I get that you cannot plan for every possible contingency and I have gotten much better over the years. I used to indulge my hypervigilance to a degree that was exhausting. I won't even get into it. You would think I was certifiable. I have gotten much better, so there is hope for me yet.

I think Montreal might suit you just fine. I've never been to Europe, but I'm told that Montreal is very European. I know it is very different from Boston. I could analyse and examine the whys of that for hours. I have lots of ideas and theories. I totally get what you are saying about needing to examine the reasons behind pretty much everything. I find it endlessly fascinating. And it does drive people batshit. So many people have told me that talking to me feels like an interrogation. I guess probing and prodding might feel like that. I have tried to soften my technique. I kept finding it harder and harder to find people to play with. I certainly never mean any harm. It's all fun and games to me and people so inclined can poke, probe and prod around in my head all they want. I just don't find that many takers. Mostly I find people with chastity belts around their brains.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Re poking and prodding - I always tell people "I like to poke things in tide pools, metaphorically"
So I do the same. But I usually use a distraction technique.
And I, I don't mean any harm either, sincerely. I'm just hopelessly curious and pleased by stories and back ground and theory. I'm sure if put in the wrong light, it looks manipulative and cold. But I am not. I'm deeply appreciative. I'm just not very... Gushy. Internal feels. I'm better at expressing care by interest or joking and it often doesn't carry.

Fair point on the view angle that my stance must look cavalier in comparison. I can see that. I never thought of it looking that way but I suppose it must. Thank you for pointing that out. Interesting, indeed. I suppose that why some people find me irresponsible and flippant in a way.

[Cin]

Fair point on the view angle that my stance must look cavalier in comparison. I can see that. I never thought of it looking that way but I suppose it must. Thank you for pointing that out. Interesting, indeed. I suppose that why some people find me irresponsible and flippant in a way.

That wasn't actually a point I was trying to make. Sorry if it came out that way. I would like nothing better than to be less hypervigilant. I was thinking about how it feels for me when I try to believe I could live in the woods somewhere out of sight of any other houses and feel okay not having weapons and such. I think about having dogs, but then I immediately think how shitty it would be if I couldn't protect them. I like the idea of living away from everything but the safety thing rears its ugly head and I know I would need to address it in some way. I wasn't thinking about anyone else being cavalier and foolish. These are just my feelings. I would never put them on anyone else and expect others to feel the way I feel.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh, lol I wasn't insulted. I just realised that it might actually look that way. Rather enlightening thought, really. Bit of an epiphany. It's not negative. Even if you didn't mean to lob it my way, I am sure to many people it *must* look that way. I like understanding outside points of view reflected back. It's valuable!

[firegal]

I think using the example that someone will bolt into your beroom and u have to react is kinda the farfetch approach.

I like the closest to the door because I do investigate when I hear a noise and the quickest way is what I like. I live in a moderate area not good not bad.

my experiences is ive heard a noise and interrupted peeps syphoning gas out of my truck,and heard noise and folks were breaking into my storage shed, stole CD player out of my car..
.......heard noise and found guy in my lil pond high and not sure what he was gonna do!

I had some one bang on my door at 3 in morning.

These are just my experiences and why I like to sleep closest to door,because I do and will jump up and check it out....and many times with phone in hand.

[Gemme]

I just feel much calmer and safer if I have a plan to protect my wife and myself. I would rather have the plan and not need it than need a plan and not have it.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

I get that.

[cinnamongrrl]

I've stopped picking sides and now I sleep in the middle...easy peasy

[Sweet Bliss]

I only sleep well on my right side, it makes no difference to me which side of the bed, have slept alone for so long i don't make a good sleeping buddy. It would take all my love and trust to be able to sleep soundly with another person.

Touching me when I'm sleeping sets off my ptsd. I think if the love and trust factor were large enough, it would be a non issue. In the meantime, I live with dogs, they are a great alarm system.

I have been attacked in my home more than once. So for me, yes, it's practical to have a plan when trapped in a bedroom. If I live alone again, I will still have large dogs.

[EnderD_503]

I don't think either one of us is the "dominant" person in our relationship, and I don't really notice any of that with which side of the bed we choose to sleep on. I just have certain particularities with space generally. For example, I don't like to sleep right next to the wall if the bed is right next to the wall like it was in our last apartment, so there I slept on the left.

I sleep on the left now in our current place because I also like to be close to the door. Not for any weird "protective" reasons but more so because I have weird things about space and either being close to/facing an exit (aka escape route, not that I actually need to "escape" anything while in bed, it's just a habit by this point leftover from my childhood) or never having my back to an exit/entrance (both in public or at home). Has more to do with weird anxiety stuff than anything else.