View Full Version : Auntie Diva's Story Time
Hello, boys and girls....
Auntie Diva's Story Time has arrived.....
Occasionally, something of an amusing nature will happen to your Auntie Diva and she will make a story from it. If you want to come and listen, I will bestow up you your "cousin name".....don't argue with me or your Auntie Diva will make you get a switch from her pecan tree.
So stay tuned, kids.....Auntie Diva went to the doctor this morning and there's a story right there! I'll be back to tell you all about it.
Auntie Diva may or may not embellish.
Signed,
Auntie Diva, story~teller for the children......
Abigail Crabby
11-04-2009, 11:36 PM
Subscribing - and anxiously awaiting the first story !!!
Julie
11-05-2009, 06:47 AM
Subscribing as well **
Good evening, boys and girls.....gather 'round....it's time for yet another story from your Auntie Diva......
Your applause is deafening.
This is the story of my dream......
Now....I must admit, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva cannot share ALL of her dreams with you....oh no, no, no.....but sometimes, you could find your Auntie Diva's "dreams" on the internets. If you find that you cannot get to them, then you have been blocked, boys and girls, and you will have to wait until you are 21, or know how to hack into Auntie Diva's Gateway.
Nevermind.
So.....this is the dream about your Auntie Diva at the Miss America Pageant. I SAID it was a dream, boys and girls.
I have found myself at the Miss America Scholarship Pageant......now....don't let them kid you, boys and girls.....there is no scholarship involved here unless it's a scholarship for bikini design and fire baton.
But in your Auntie Diva's dream, the Master of Ceremonies is Eric McCormack. You remember Mr. McCormack, boys and girls. He was Will of Will and Grace. All I can say is that Mr. McCormack must have a very lame agent, boys and girls, to lasso a gig like the Miss America Scholarship Pageant, that's all I'm gonng say about THAT.
But he was a sweet boy.
For SOME reason, your Auntie Diva was working in a backstage capacity....I'm not sure what I was doing there....but I did manage to go out onto the stage and participate in a dance number with the girls . I know.
I was quite fetching, I must say. I was wearing some long evening gown sorta thing.....and clearly, I had stolen Queen Elizabeth's cape....You know....the red one with the white fur around the edge? Yeah...that's the one.....
There I am, boys and girls.....spinning around on that stage like a whirling dervish. I'm surprised I didn't fall down!
And so here we are....done with the dance.....and off the stage we go.....and the girls are off to change into their bikinis and Mr. McCormack and I hear the cue music for their bikini competition!
What!?!?!?!?!?! What has happened!?!?!?!?!
Mr. McCormack is screaming....."Go talk to the audience! GO TALK TO THE AUDIENCE ....... STALL!!!!"
So there I went.....out onto the stage! Oh yes I did, boys and girls.....mic in hand!
Did I mention there were tens of thousands in the audience? And judges? (One of whom was Fabio, of course.)
So I walk out and say, "I can only imagine your supreme disappointment that I am out here and not the lovely contestants in their bikinis, but Goodyear was fresh out. Yes....I know that many of you out there secretly dream of being in a beauty pageant.....so feel free to live vicariously through me."
I was hysterical.
"But if YOU want to be in a pageant, follow these simple steps, and you TOO can be standing where I am! Here's what You do:
First, wait for all the girls to come backstage. And, as they're coming down the steps in their 4~inch, closer-to-Jesus pumps, casually stretch out your foot <exhibit>....WHOOPS!"
I am happy to report, ladies and gentemen, that Miss Texas will only be in traction for a month or so."
The audience is hysterical, boys and girls. I could smell an Auntie Diva SITCOM......
"THEN....You have a cape made out of some endangered species ~ or, as in my case ~ a very large endangered species.....OR....steal it from the Queen....or A queen...whichever is easiest......and you're all set.
"And lastly....you absolutely need to know and master the parade wave. So....hold up your left hands.....you too, Sir....judges? Don't think you can't learn something....get 'em up! Now do what I do.....
"Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch the pearls and blow a kiss! And there You have it, ladies and gentlemen! Nice job, Fabio!"
And that was my dream, boys and girls.....your Auntie Diva even woke up laughing this morning! It was choice. It would have been nice to see if I won.....but it was not meant to be, I guess......
Signed,
Queen for a Day, your Auntie Diva
Hello children.....gather 'round.....Auntie Diva has a story to tell.....
One day, Auntie Diva went on a trip to the north country. It was a long, long trip. She was on her way to Minnesota to sing for a wedding! Isn't that fun?
So, drive, drive. See Auntie Diva drive!!!
She crossed the Red River into Oklahoma...where the wind comes whippin' down the plains! There were surreys with fringe on the top and EVERYthing!
So, Auntie Diva is practicing her songs for the wedding....la la la .....toodling along.....
"My Romance...doesn't have to have a moon in the sky....." It is a good song, boys and girls....one of Auntie Diva's favorites!! "....no castle rising in Spain...." and the castle is rising....the car is rising...and unbeknownst to Auntie Diva, the speed of her car is ALso rising....and as she tops the hill....
LO AND BEHOLD (Yes...this is a vague reference to our Lord and Savior, sweet infant baby Jeebus....) ~ and how good of the boy to wait for Auntie Diva....It was Officer Davis, boys and girls!!!!
And because he knew Auntie Diva loves shiny/sparkly.....he flashed his lights for Auntie Diva.
Yes, children.....Auntie Diva broke one of the [many] laws of this great land of ours: Do not sing about Spanish castles in Oklahoma!!!!! And the nice Officer Davis smiled as he said "Press down hard, you're making 3 copies."
I'll be pressing down on the printing press as I print $220.00 of brand new twenties to send to the lovely bosses of the nice Officer Davis, whose children will soon have new shoes, thanks to Auntie Diva.
The end.
~Auntie Diva, Speed Demonette
Good afternoon, boys and girls!! It's Auntie Diva!!! Gather 'round for Auntie Diva's Story Time......this is another story about your Auntie Diva's trip to the North Country with your cousin Shizzle. (Just G)
It was a lovely day in the north country! The sun was shining and it was oh such a lovely day for cousin Stacy's and cousin Mike's wedding!
But before that....your cousin Shizzle and Auntie Diva decided to drive around the throbbing ~ I mean thriving metropolis of Rochester, MN!!!!
Cousin Shizzle was driving Auntie Diva's Soccer Mom Van and nearly hit a Pakistani girl. OUCH! That would have left a mark! Do You know how to say "Look both ways, little Pakistani girl! Look both ways!"?? Let's say it together, boys and girls:
"Look both ways, little Paskistani girl! Look both ways!"
Very GOOD, children!
So. There we were! There were piles of frozen snow on every corner...of course, it had been there for so long, boys and girls, it was hard as a rock! And filthy as your cousin Shizzle's potty mouth! No snow angels for Auntie Diva!!
There we were....drive, drive, drive!
Boys and girls? Did You know that the Mayo Clinic is in Rochester, MN? Oh yes it is! Let's go get our maps, shall we? Minnesota is also called the Land of 10,000 Lakes!! Of course, Auntie Diva is wondering what person in their right mind would have the time to go and COUNT those lakes?!?
I'll bet they had a calculator! Which is today's lesson! Good healthy lake~counting ALways requires a calculator! Did You know that the lakes freeze solid, boys and girls? Oh yes, they DO! And today, we saw two brave but ugly birds who were actually STANDING on the lake! They had caught a FISH, boys and girls, and were eating and pecking the bejeebus out of it for lunch!
Yum, brave ugly birds! YUM! :eek:
Then, your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle saved the best for last! Nooooooo....You silly monkeys!! Not THAT!
Your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle found the big tower on the edge of town that had a giant ear of corn on it....sticking straight up it was! It was disturbing in a way. Your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle may post some picture in their galleries soon of some of their poses with their new friend, Mr Corn Cob Stuck On The Tower!!! I'm SURE You could print these out and they would be suitable for coloring! In fact, if You blew them UP, You TOO could have some intense laughter and fun! Your Auntie Diva may or may not have required the Depends on that day.
The end.
Love You, Puppets!
~Auntie Diva, Lover O' The Corn Cob
Hello, boys and girls!! It's story time again....!!!!
Well.....Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle left the quaint yet lovely corn cob capital of Rochester, Minnesota ....on our way to The Kansas City, MO.
It was windy, windy, windy, boys and girls! But that didn't stop your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle from their favorite activity!
I hear your tiny little bubbly voices, "What IS Your favorite activity, Auntie Diva? Tell us, tell us!"
Ohhhh.....you ARE needy little munchkins, aren't you, boys and girls?!
Upon our entrance to The Interstate 90 (and your Auntie Diva would like to know just WHO has assigned these various numbers to our highways and by~ways? Hmmm?) we began our favorite activity: counting the carqui along the roadsides.
As you know, 'carqui' ~ pronounced CAHR - ki ~ is the plural of carcass. And as we all know, boys and girls, a carcass is merely the remnants of an animal which has been pummulted by the front end of a car, motorcycle, 18-wheeler or some oher form of vehicular transportation. Yessssss......
And your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle saw MANY carqui along the roadsides today!
We saw deer ~ yes, boys and girls ~ dead Bambis! <shaking heads> We saw raccoons, opossums, hawks, coyotes, foxes (no children....not THAT!) and even a little groundhog, whose tiny little legs were just sticking up in the air, almost as if to say, "Hello, Aunti Diva!".
It was sad in an interesting sort of way. And your Auntie Diva gave a sigh each time. Your cousin Shizzle seemed to derive great pleasure from pointing out each and every deceased mammal. He's warped this way, children. No worries, though, your cousin Shizzle isn't ready for the corner just yet.
There were also many deceased Target bags flying around, getting stuck in the bushes. Thus the new phrase "....rejected like a used Target bag" came to be.
So boys and girls, as you can see, there had to have been several naps taken today in the middle of our visits to the Kum & Go and the Pump & Munch, as the day was rather boring......in a carqui sorta way.
I see it is nap time.......that being said:
Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite, little pookies!!!
Love,
Your Auntie Diva
Subscribing - and anxiously awaiting the first story !!!
Subscribing as well **
Oh look, boys and girls!!! It's cousin Abs and cousin Iffy, come to play!!! Now be good little girls and get your Auntie Diva a martini.......
~Auntie Diva
Andrew, Jr.
11-09-2009, 08:14 AM
Subscribing to this! :D
......and cousin Jr. TOO! ;)
Definetly subscribing. I have missed the misadventures of the lovely lady diva:)
Count me in...I been bit.
How about I go fetch y'all some waaaaan, Muz Diva?
Gather 'round, boys and girls....it's storytime with Auntie Diva!!!!
Well......I'm sure you have all heard, kids, that your Auntie Diva went to The Big Apple!! Yes, that's right! New York City!! Now.....did I hear one of you asking why they call New York City "The Big Apple"?
I THOUGHT so!!!
It's a very good question, boys and girls! And I'm going to tell you why!!!
New York City is a very big city, as I mentioned earlier. It's also called "The City That Never Sleeps", boys and girls. And because the people don't sleep there, sometimes they hallucinate!
Ha ~ LOO ~ sin ~ ate....let's say it together......Hah-LOO-sin-ate. Very GOOD, boys and girls!!!
And because they DID that ~ the word contains "sin".....and the original sin was Eve......and she ate THE BIG APPLE! Eve was from New York City, boys and girls!!
See?
Yes...another educadtional experience from your Auntie Diva, kids! I'm a giver that way!
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva
Why LOOK, boys and girls......it's cousin Bebo and cousin Blue....come to play!!! Hi boys!
~Auntie Diva
Count me in...I been bit.
How about I go fetch y'all some waaaaan, Muz Diva?
Cousin Blue....now don't make me make you go get a switch from the pecan tree.....you know good and well your Auntie Diva doesn't start drinking before 1:30 in the afternoon!
PinkieLee
11-09-2009, 01:09 PM
YAY Auntie Diva...
I love your stories more than this fat kid loves ice cream... 'cause cousin G will knock me over & steal my cake if I have any!!
YAY Auntie Diva...
I love your stories more than this fat kid loves ice cream... 'cause cousin G will knock me over & steal my cake if I have any!!
Cousin G won't steal your cake, cousin KaratePrincess, because he knows I will make him go to the pecan tree if he DOES!
Your Auntie Diva has spoken. Now go eat your cake and drink your Special Kool~Aid, cousin KP.......
Love,
Your Auntie Diva
Just_G
11-09-2009, 01:39 PM
CAAAAAAAKE!!! Move over Cousin Karate Princess....and get me a fork....I want some CAKE!!!! Gimme gimme gimme!!!!!:D
Oh dear gay....look who the cat drug in......
Cousin SHIZZLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <eyein' that pecan tree>
Just_G
11-09-2009, 01:52 PM
Auntie Nanny Nizzle, quit staring at that pecan tree! Tell Karate Princess to give me some cake!! She won't share!
Boys and girls, this was a story your Auntie Diva wrote when she went to the NYC Dance in April of 2008.....I thought you cousins might enjoy a laugh at your Auntie Diva's expense.....
***********************
Yes, boys and girls....it's storytime with Auntie Diva once again!
Today's story is about Auntie Diva and the Maypole.....
Well!
Auntie Diva wants to tell You about the Maypole, children! Now one might think that dancing around the Maypole should ONLY happen in May!!
Au contraire, boys and girls!! For Auntie Diva ~ being the hooligan that she IS ~ has danced around the Maypole in APRIL!!!
Did You know that Auntie Diva danced around the APRILpole? Oh yes she DID! Auntie Diva was at a big, amazing dance this past weekend! Can You say "A fun time was had by ALL", boys and girls?
SO! Your Auntie Diva looked and looked and looked....and there! She spotted the perfect pole around which to dance! So, she took off her shoes (a lovely, strappy little black open~toed/open~heeled alligator, 2" heel slide) and crossed the floor to the pole. There, Auntie Diva decided to dance with the pole in such a way that one may very well have thought her name could have been Helga, The Striptease Artist from the 1930's! Oh YES, boys and girls!
Dance, dance, dance....see Auntie Diva dance!!!
Now, here is the lesson for today, boys and girls ~ always dance around the Aprilpole in shoes which grip the floor ~ unless of course you're dancing on the NOVEMBERpole, in which case the pole resembles a turkey leg and is MUCH easier to hang onto. Plus, you get a snack! (Feel free to use this for future reference!)
Your Auntie Diva clearly did not have on her grippy shoes!! The twirling began innocently enough, boys and girls ~ as you know your Auntie Diva IS innocent as the sky on a sunny day! ~ however, things took a downward spiral rather quickly......literally! And, centrifical force and gravity ~ is this redundant? ~ being what it IS ~ and your Auntie Diva being Rubenesque ~ well....shall we just say that she was as graceful as she could possibly have been in this situation when the gravity took over your Auntie Diva's ass! And she just decided to go with it and make it look like she MEANT to spin to the floor.....just like a warped hula hoop!
Oh yes!!!! Splat, Auntie Diva, splat!!!!
It became apparent that many of the attendees might think your Auntie Diva had been sipping on the Appletini bottle without a straw, but NOOOoooooo!!! Your Auntie Diva had only had 2 small glasses of pinot grigio and was in complete control of her faculties.....however she clearly was NOT in control of her hula hoops!
And the 2nd lesson today, boys and girls? Perhaps the Maypole Dance SHOULD be reserved for May after all!!!!
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva
Pole Dance Instructor To The Masses
Just_G
11-09-2009, 02:18 PM
Auntie Nanny Nizzle, that is one of my favorite stories....I laugh so hard that my boss man tells me to stop it!
I also like it more than the others because it involves a pole, and a woman dancing on a pole, and spinning to the floor. These are a few of my favorite things....when the dog bites, when the bee stings....oh wait...:eek:
What kind of perfume were you wearing? Just ask Cousin Karate Princess....she will explain.;)
Auntie Nanny Nizzle, that is one of my favorite stories....I laugh so hard that my boss man tells me to stop it!
I also like it more than the others because it involves a pole, and a woman dancing on a pole, and spinning to the floor. These are a few of my favorite things....when the dog bites, when the bee stings....oh wait...:eek:
What kind of perfume were you wearing? Just ask Cousin Karate Princess....she will explain.;)
I was clearly wearing Eau de Splat, cousin G......
Signed,
Auntie Diva....who wishes The Invisifont worked here......
Good evening boys and girls.......
Gather 'round!! It's time for Auntie Diva's Story Time!!!
Tonight, we're going to talk about the history of the TYPEWRITER, boys and girls! Isn't that EXCITING?
First, let me tell you, boys and girls, that your Auntie Diva actually took a class CALLED: Typing! Yes!!! It's TRUE!!!! And while your Auntie Diva DID go to a school that had electricity, there were no such things as electric typewriters at Auntie Diva's school. And of course, as we all know, it is beCAUSE there were no electric typewriters, my classmates built up their finger muscles significantly and there were no incidents of the carpal tunnel syndrome in the old days!! It's true! Type, type, type...type Auntie Diva, type!!!
But your Auntie Diva digresses.....
Did you know, boys and girls, that the very first typewriter was invented by some Englishman by the name of Henry Mill in 1714. Unfortunately, it didn't work, so I'm still not quite sure why it was even listed, but the English felt left out, I believe, so they probably started a war or something so they would be listed first. (In like manner, and subsequently, Henry Ford wasn't really the first to invent the car. That honor went to a farmer in Cleeksburg, Iowa, of Indian heritage by the name of Bobby ToyotamaFeather. Yes. I know you all are surprised that your Auntie Diva knows so much trivial knowledge!)
So, the first typewriter that actually WORKED was made by some Italian man by the name of Pellegrino Turri in 1808.
That ran along all nicely, I guess, but then the Danish (famous for their pastries and dykes ) became slightly agitated and if they didn't go on and invent their own typewriter that looked like a pin cushion. A pastor invented it in 1870.....I was surprised by that because I have heard that the Danish are not necessarily a religious people. But there was at least ONE pastor, Malling Hansen, who was also responsible for large shopping centers and a distant ancestor of The Hansen Twins. They're not popular either.
People started getting testy then and wanted their OWN typewriters. I believe it had something to do with typing with an accent or something and FINALLY, a couple of American men invented one for the United States in 1874. (We're always behind, aren't we?) Sholes and Glidden (most famous for their comfy padded shoe inserts and paint) were responsible for the way the keyboard is that we know today, boys and girls!! It's called the QWERTY (look at your keys, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva won't spoon feed you ALL the time!)
Shortly thereafter, there were other typewriters that popped out of the typewriter ribbon womb, such as the Hammond (which evolved in an organ......don't go there cousin June!!!), the Verityper (now THAT'S original, isn't it boys and girls?), the Crandall (which is very pretty....not.), the Blickensderfer (which looks as though the bottom has dropped off of it) and the everpopular Underwood (which also later created little pots of meet.
And it is the FAULT of Sholes and Glidden ~ and the MORAL (or IMmoral) of my story, boys and girls ~ that the above typo happened; for if you look closely on your little tiny keyboards at home, you shall see that the "T" key and the "F" key are 'neighbors'.
And we've ALL seen Desparate Housewives!!!
Nighty~night, boys and girls!!
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva.....who enjoys being T~Fuckered plum out. True story, boys and girls, true story.
Good evening, boys and girls...it's time for another story from Auntie Diva!!
One day this past summer, boys and girls, the ICE CREAM TRUCK drove down your Auntie Diva's street!!! Oh it was a very exciting day! And your Auntie Diva is fairly convinced that the driver of the truck was lost, as the street is only one block long....and there are only 2 children who live on Auntie Diva's street. And....since they are both sissies, they don't venture out in this heat.
Your Auntie Diva was very impressed that the Ice Cream Truck was playing the Calliope version of Beethoven's "Fur Elise"!!! Culinary delicacies AND culture, boys and girls! Why, it just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?
Well....it DOES....but we've moved away from the nastiness.....
But I digress......
Your Auntie Diva was so excited to hear the truck, she ran outside! Why, that truck was no truck at ALL! She remembered ~ back in the days of her youth (YES, cousin June, there WAS refrigeration back then!) ~ Auntie Diva's Daddy ~ this would be your Grandpa Daddy ~ would hear the ice cream man from blocks away. He would get his wallet and pull $2 out and walk to the curb. All the children would run, run, run to meet the ice cream man, but he knew on which side his bread was buttered and he drove straight to your Grandpa Daddy!! There....with his $2, Grandpa Daddy bought a whole big box of Fudgesickles and Dreamsickles!! And if I was lucky, I got a push-up....or an orange popsickle. Even as a child, your Auntie Diva got lucky!
But today, just as in days past, your Auntie Diva went to the curb ~ similar to being kicked TO it, but no skinned knees ~ (not that bruised, chafed knees are a bad thing, necessarily...but that's another story....in a few years, boys and girls...in a few years!) ~ if only to listen to the Merry-go-round Beethoven....and was ever so disillusioned to see not an ice cream truck at all.....but some sorta hippy van with all kinds of stickers on it with pictures of the ice cream!! Where was my classy tan ice cream truck from days of yore?
With a forlorn (read "pathetic") sad face, your Auntie Diva returned to her AC-infused house, Fudgesickle~less..... no push~ups....or orange popsickles.....<sigh>
And it was a sad day on S. Pleasant Valley Road.....
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Push-up Goddess for the cousins
Scorp
12-10-2009, 09:22 PM
Surprises Aunty Diva and personally hand delivers her a fudgesicle and an orange popsicle and has a big smile on my face :balloon:
With a forlorn (read "pathetic") sad face, your Auntie Diva returned to her AC-infused house, Fudgesickle~less..... no push~ups....or orange popsickles.....<sigh>
And it was a sad day on S. Pleasant Valley Road.....
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Push-up Goddess for the cousins
Surprises Aunty Diva and personally hand delivers her a fudgesicle and an orange popsicle and has a big smile on my face :balloon:
Thank You, cousin ScorpSicle........:scorp:
IrishGrrl
12-11-2009, 07:27 AM
whoohooo! Story time!! This happens to be my favorite thread!!
*plopping down with a big pillow and blanket*
love,
CousinShamrock
morningstar55
12-11-2009, 08:02 AM
mawning Auntie Diva...
http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o199/morningstar1955/0827080840a.jpg
i have to say this........
i might not post here much.... but i do enjoy coming here and reading your stories after a long day of driving , and unwinding , it always gives me a smile.
thank u. :bouquet:
Scorp
12-11-2009, 11:47 AM
Thank you Auntie Diva...And yep, you're right, it's a whopping 22 degrees here...Scorpsicles for all!!! :snowysmiley:
Thank You, cousin ScorpSicle........:scorp:
Rockinonahigh
12-11-2009, 12:00 PM
Aunti Diva,thank u so much for contenueing "story time" hear,it one of my fav places to read after a long day..u r a great story teller.
Rockin
Well lookie here at all the cousins the cold weather drug in! Hello, cousin Shamrock, cousin Truckstop, cousin ScorpSicle & cousin Rock!
My, my....I shall have to go to the back & dig out my story~tellin' hat, now won't I??
Signed,
Auntie Diva
Ms. Tabitha
12-11-2009, 12:39 PM
My, my....I shall have to go to the back & dig out my story~tellin' hat, now won't I??
Hello Auntie Diva
Did you find your story~tellin' hat?
Why haven't I seen this thread here before? OMG I had better reserve reading this thread until I'm at home. Otherwise, people may wonder what I am giggling at.
*hugs*
~cara
This is not exactly a STORY....but rather a COMMENTARY.... do You know the difference, boys and girls?:hamactor:
I feel compelled to speak to you all about the total lack of imagination in the designing of our football boys' costumes.....
Is there no imagination?
Is there no differentiality?
Is there no conCERN for individuality?
Let's discuss......(what I MEAN by that is, let ME discuss....You sit there and listen.... )
In the NFL, there are ~ and Yes, boys and girls, Your Auntie Diva COUNTED! Your lesson here? Stay in Math! (this would make Your cousin Puplove SO very proud!) ~ 32 teams.
Yes! 32!! I know, right? We should be in the Football Costume Design business..... Auntie Diva's House of Football Costumes and Hair Cosmetics.....seems like a good combination....
SO....I digress.....
Of those 32 teams, there are 3 teams who share the red and white colors. 2 have Royal Blue & White, 1 has Blue and Red, 4 have Royal or Lt. Blue and Black, 1 team has Royal and Silver, 3 have Orange & Black (BOO!), 3 have Navy & Orange, and so on and so forth.....
There is one combination of Aqua and Orange which is truly heinous fuckery if You ask me......(yes, I said 'fuckery'...Do as I SAY, don't do as I DO!) who came up with THAT??? 9 ways of wrong. If I lived in Miami, I would move. How embarrassing! Perhaps they don't really PLAY in Miami.....
Then there is the Purple/Gold combination.....that is ALmost acceptable, boys and girls.....
Red & gold.....Hunter Green and gold which makes sense as they ARE the GREEN Bay Packers....Packers???? Of WHAT? Let's not ask and say we did, boys and girls!!
Maroon and Gold....
So as You can see, this disturbs me......and I would like to suggest to the Football Boys that there be some sorta protest......
I WAS happy to see that the last Super Bowl colors contained LIME GREEN!! Your Auntie Diva ~ that being her 2nd signature color (after purple, of course!) ~ is MOST pleased about that!!! Perfection, of course, would be a purple & lime green costume. Bliss.
But why not MORE of the purples.....the limes......the mangos....the heliotropes......in our costuming, football boys?
WHY!?!?! WHY!?!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Athletic Supporter of all time.....
Alpha Dog
12-11-2009, 04:20 PM
It's uniforms not costumes! holy :censor:...LOL!
Rockinonahigh
12-11-2009, 06:50 PM
Aunti Diva,cousin Rock hear.Wow I didnt realise there were so many teams or diffrent colors there of for teams.Sadly I dont know much about football or many sports in general,the only sports I know much about is rodeo,bowling and pool...so I will sit in a quiet place to listen and learn.
Cousin Rock
fishinabaggie
12-11-2009, 08:13 PM
:dance2:
Cousin Fishstix in the house!
Cousin FISHSTIX?!?!?!?!!? What the.....????:nixon:
And lookie here, who's here to give HIS commentary.....it's Uncle Alpha! :bandana:
Costumes.
Gemme
12-11-2009, 09:37 PM
This is not exactly a STORY....but rather a COMMENTARY.... do You know the difference, boys and girls?:hamactor:
I feel compelled to speak to you all about the total lack of imagination in the designing of our football boys' costumes.....
Is there no imagination?
Is there no differentiality?
Is there no conCERN for individuality?
Let's discuss......(what I MEAN by that is, let ME discuss....You sit there and listen.... )
In the NFL, there are ~ and Yes, boys and girls, Your Auntie Diva COUNTED! Your lesson here? Stay in Math! (this would make Your cousin Puplove SO very proud!) ~ 32 teams.
Yes! 32!! I know, right? We should be in the Football Costume Design business..... Auntie Diva's House of Football Costumes and Hair Cosmetics.....seems like a good combination....
SO....I digress.....
Of those 32 teams, there are 3 teams who share the red and white colors. 2 have Royal Blue & White, 1 has Blue and Red, 4 have Royal or Lt. Blue and Black, 1 team has Royal and Silver, 3 have Orange & Black (BOO!), 3 have Navy & Orange, and so on and so forth.....
There is one combination of Aqua and Orange which is truly heinous fuckery if You ask me......(yes, I said 'fuckery'...Do as I SAY, don't do as I DO!) who came up with THAT??? 9 ways of wrong. If I lived in Miami, I would move. How embarrassing! Perhaps they don't really PLAY in Miami.....
Then there is the Purple/Gold combination.....that is ALmost acceptable, boys and girls.....
Red & gold.....Hunter Green and gold which makes sense as they ARE the GREEN Bay Packers....Packers???? Of WHAT? Let's not ask and say we did, boys and girls!!
Maroon and Gold....
So as You can see, this disturbs me......and I would like to suggest to the Football Boys that there be some sorta protest......
I WAS happy to see that the last Super Bowl colors contained LIME GREEN!! Your Auntie Diva ~ that being her 2nd signature color (after purple, of course!) ~ is MOST pleased about that!!! Perfection, of course, would be a purple & lime green costume. Bliss.
But why not MORE of the purples.....the limes......the mangos....the heliotropes......in our costuming, football boys?
WHY!?!?! WHY!?!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Athletic Supporter of all time.....
The Seattle Seahawks have decided to retire their uniformed costumes from last season that came with the lime green jersey. Too bright for the big boys, I suppose.
Anywho, they are going back to a lovely blue with lime green stripe on their jersey shirts but....or shall I say BUTT, they have decided to KEEP the pants from the previous uniformed costumes since the material...and this comes from their head coach, so you KNOW it's legit..."feels better on their legs".
I love it! The Seattle Seahawks are definitely in touch with their feelings. :piratelaugh:
The Seattle Seahawks have decided to retire their uniformed costumes from last season that came with the lime green jersey. Too bright for the big boys, I suppose.
Anywho, they are going back to a lovely blue with lime green stripe on their jersey shirts but....or shall I say BUTT, they have decided to KEEP the pants from the previous uniformed costumes since the material...and this comes from their head coach, so you KNOW it's legit..."feels better on their legs".
I love it! The Seattle Seahawks are definitely in touch with their feelings. :piratelaugh:
Who knew we had a gay team in the NFL! :D
Gemme
12-11-2009, 10:27 PM
Who knew we had a gay team in the NFL! :D
I kinda think most of them are, with all that butt smacking and whatnot going on. The same for all sports, really. Well, mainly baseball and football.
Good morning, boys and girls.....
It's time for a holiday story from your Auntie Diva!! :happyjump:
Simmah down, now......
Yes....yesterday was a wonderful day for your Auntie Diva, boys and girls! First, the excitement began when your Auntie Diva visited the Amazon.com and ordered her own Christmas present ~ The Bread Bible by Rose Beranbaum. Let us pray, boys and girls, let us pray. :praying: Because, as we all know, good bread can be a religious experience. :lol2:
Auntie Diva kills herself with her sharp~edged humor. Party on, Garth. :hangloose:
When the excitement from that even died down, I received a message from your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop (she is distantly related, as you may recall, to SnoopDoggieDog) and your cousin OilCan......did I want to go for a drive to take in the Christmas lights in The Hill Country?
Now, at first, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva finds herself suspicious of ANYone asking her to 'go for a drive in the country'.......I have SEEN The Godfather! But this was your cousin Schmoop, after all. She was just being respectful of the elderly ~ like I used to be of your Great Aunt Lois ~ knowing she doesn't get out much and likes to go for a Sunday afternoon drive on a foggy Saturday night. :dozey:
So, I was excited to go and wore my best floral and bedazzled Christmas sweater and Sunday pill~box hat (yes, boys and girls, the one with the little netting with the rhinestones) and off we went.....into the foggy night!
Of course, I am in the backseat, which gave me license to navigate for your cousin OilCan (who IS from your California/Mississippi area and cannot possibly know his way around our Texas Hill Country) and your cousin Schmoop (we're not sure WHERE she comes from, but she DOES live in your Cedar Park....I always need an extra shot of oxygen before your Auntie Diva travels way [the hell] up there!).
We drive through the Dripping Springs. We did not stop for their oh~so~yummy Vodka, much to your Auntie Diva's dismay. What kind of trip WAS this!??!?!?!
Then we got to The Johnson City, hometown to our beloved President Johnson, but not really, because his ranch is further up the road apiece. Those townspeople just wanted a piece of the action. Jus' sayin'.....
The fog was thick, boys and girls, and your cousin Schmoop was using her cell phone to get directions.....we thought we had gone too far, so we turned around and backtracked, only to find out that we had not gone far enough. Cousin OilCan was unCANny in his knowledge of the turning~around places. Auntie Diva was impressed, even though many times, the turning~around place shook your Auntie Diva's teeth right out of her head. Pillbox remained intact, however. Yea, little Pillbox hat, yea!
So we found our first destination....a country drive~through Christmas lights extravaganza!!!!!! :twitch:
There was a slight problem, boys and girls in that the path which these good folks created was many times only wide enough for one car to pass. But that's ok....we tuned our radio to 1498.7 AM and enjoyed Bobby Darin singing All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth, accompanied by the Trans~Static Universal Orchestra.
The tension mounted, boys and girls, as we approached the LIVE NATIVITY SCENE. Before we got too close, Gabriel was giving instructions to Joseph and the shepherd standing on a box (it was a child, but they put him on a box to make him appear taller....how many 7'9" shepherds with the face of a child do YOU know, boys and girls? That's what I thought!).....and, as cousin OilCan's automotive vehicle reached a certain place, Gabriel cued them and they magically FROZE in Christmas card goodness.......I blame cousin Schmoop for not bringing tissues. It was a tender moment. Yet, I watched the angel Gabriel's eyes......they followed our car like a scary Harry Potter painting......
I cannot tell you, boys and girls just how exciting it was to drive through the display.....the mobile home covered in hundreds of pale blue lights with the animated mailbox was particularly touching! But as we neared the end of the drive, what MOOved us most of all was the lit~up Santa on the stagecoach.....the cedar fence behind him.....and seeing the cows on the other side.......mocking us. Only in Texas,boys and girls.....only in Texas!
The saga will continue......oh no.....You KNOW there's more!
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, who channelled great Aunt Lois with her pillbox hat
Mitmo01
12-13-2009, 10:44 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMFAO
damn i wish i was there that sounds like a friggin hilarious ride
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMFAO
damn i wish i was there that sounds like a friggin hilarious ride
OMG we laughed SO hard, cousin OvenMits! :D
Yes.....you post, you're adopted! Cuz that's the way we roll here in Auntie Diva's House of Horrors Family! :cupid:
Yes....it's like a pointed stick, right through your schnozz.....
Hahaha! I love it!
More! More! :)
~cara
And so, boys and girls....the saga of Auntie Diva and The Christmas Lights Tour continues......
It was a dark and stormy night......wait. Sorry. That's another thread.....:rofl: I think my pillbox hat is too tight.
So......your cousins OilCan, PupSchmoopieSchmoop and I depart the Johnson City Trailer Park Light Festival and back into the fog on to Marble Falls. Drive, boys and girls, drive! The fog was so amazingly thick, I was thankful I didn't have to drive, boys and girls, yet I was able to scoot to the center of the back seat to lend my support, of course. There may be some (including your cousin OilCan) who MAY call that backseat driving. Of course, I would never do that.
I noticed throughout our journey that it was sometimes difficult to find our way to our destination....some might have blamed the fog, boys and girls. But your Auntie Diva blamed it on the night. It was just plain hard to see. Of course, then there is the dilemma of seeing the holiday lights in the daytime. So there ya go.
We managed to get ourselves to The Marble Falls and again, we were like 3 lost lambs (ewe know? :simplelaugh: ) trying to find those lights. This particular light festival was a walking tour. We moseyed around and found their historic downtown area......but there was no one walking around....and their downtown lights were.....well, yes, boys and girls....they were sweet and all.....but we drove all this way to see THIS? I'm pretty sure our collective pillboxes were askew!
We KNEW this couldn't be right! But that cousin OilCan, urged on by your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop (some might call that backseat driving from the front seat, but I call it navigation), kept driving......drive cousin OilCan, drive!
WAIT! We saw a line of cars!!!! Are You on the edge of your seats, boys and girls!?!?! YES!!!!!!!! We found them! We turned a corner and BOOM! There they were!!! Up that......HILL.
And we parked, of course, at said BOTTOM. Yes, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva said 'bottom'. :seconddoh:
We got out and started up the hill.....your Auntie Diva wishing the Christmas Lights On The Hill SHUTTLE...but there was none. One thing we found disconcerting, boys and girls.......we were in the minority going up that hill (aside from the fact that the 3 of us were as queer as a trio of $3 bills, of course), as we were going UP said hill, but everyone ELSE was coming DOWN said hill.
We paused to query, "Was it closing?" Oh HELL to the naw, boys and girls! Your Auntie Diva was prepared to raise all KINDS of holy hell to the baby Jeebus in the manger if that thing was CLOSED after trekking her ass up that damned hill!!! Forgive your Auntie Diva's potty mouth, boys and girls. I blame the tight pillbox hat for her lapse in judgement.
Let me re~center...:ohm:
Ok. Now where was I?
Oh.....yes......walking up that damned hill. So we kept climbing......and lo and behold, boys and girls, there was an actual PARKING LOT at the top of that hill! It was a HALF~EMPTY PARKING LOT, boys and girls!!! Your cousin OilCan did not pick up on the MULTIPLE hints that we would wait for him right there if he wanted to go get the car and park up THERE. Of course, walking DOWN the hill WOULD be easier.....unless your Auntie Diva fell and started to snowball......THAT would not be pretty, but by God, that pillbox was NOT gonna leave my head, boys and girls!
But I digress.
THIS Holiday Lights extravaganza was MUCH better, boys and girls! And I looked and looked but there was no lit~up mobile home......they do things just a bit differently in your Marble Falls!
There were all manner of festiveness, boys and girls......we travelled through a "light tunnel" of blue and white lights.....we saw another Santa on a stagecoach.....and Santa on a covered wagon....and Santa on a jetski....followed closely by Rudolph on skis.......then we had the elves putting presents on the sleigh! THAT was exciting! There were angels all lit up and all manner of trees in various colors and heights and light genres ~ we had your LEDS, your TRADITIONAL twinkles and your rope lights (yes, your Auntie Diva said "rope")......your Auntie Diva was MESMERIZED at the various and sundry light creations! Who sits around and thinks UP all this stuff? Those crazy, mad~cap MarbleFALLS people, THAT'S who!
Did I mention that they allowed the screaming children into this thing? Are there no RULES?
OH! And WE saw The Marble Falls Santa!!! At first, we thought HE was all lit up, too, but no. He was sober. I had absolutely NO idea that they speak with a heavy Texas twang at the North Pole, TOO! But it's TRUE!
AND, there was a cute little trailer which had some VERY yummy, powdery hot cocoa. Thank you, cousin OilCan!
Now, you might think to yourselves, boys and girls, "SURELY, Auntie Diva, SURELY this must be the END of your exquisite journey to The Marble Falls Festival of Light Land!" But NO! We were but half~way through this electrical extravaganza!!!!
Be still my heart!!! No......your Auntie Diva was having palpitations as the path way slanted a bit and it was messing with your Auntie Diva's vertigo. (And yet, the pillbox maintained!)
There were MORE light tunnels......more baby Jeebuses......more VoltageVirginMariesonaDonkeh......it was just almost more excitement than 3 city folk could stand, boys and girls, but we struggled on!
Then we came to The Big Tree, which was a mini Zilker Park Tree, but it was a tree under which we could spin! Your Auntie Diva managed one spin, then had to hang onto the pole ~ which brought up memories of her younger days. But that's another story for when you're older, boys and girls.
And then.....what's that off in the distance????? Could it BE???? Why YES, boys and girls....this WAS special!! It WAS your equal~opportunity festival of PC electrification! Off in the distance......sitting proudly between the water~skiing Santa and the caught~in~the~shower~with~his~antlers~down Rudolph was....YES! It was the token, golden Menorrah, boys and girls.
Our tour was complete. I mean.....just how can one group of people out~do themselves after THAT? It just cannot be done, boys and girls.
And so, with our collective misty eyes, we bid adieu to The Marbel Falls Festival of The Electrified Baby Jeebus.
And you may THINK that would have been enough. But NO,boys and girls! Your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop teased me with reports of the Holiday Lights in THEIR neighborhood. How could your Auntie Diva say no? She could not.
And the saga continues..........
Signed,
Auntie Diva, who managed not to dislodge the pillbox hat by rolling down the hill.....
(Dammit, Linus! Why is there no pillbox smilie?!?!?!?!?!)
Puplove
12-13-2009, 10:28 PM
Cousin Oilcan drives MUCH better with help from Cousin Schmoopiepoop and Auntie Diva. Just sayin.
Cousin Oilcan drives MUCH better with help from Cousin Schmoopiepoop and Auntie Diva. Just sayin.
Truer words........I think it helped for us to sing "Baby Jeebus, Take The Wheel".......don't You, cousin SchmoopiePoop? :thumbsup:
Puplove
12-13-2009, 10:33 PM
Truer words........I think it helped for us to sing "Baby Jeebus, Take The Wheel".......don't You, cousin SchmoopiePoop? :thumbsup:
Indeed Auntie! It felt like angels were carrying our car on their lit up wings. Oh, maybe it was Auntie Diva who was lit up....
Indeed Auntie! It felt like angels were carrying our car on their lit up wings. Oh, maybe it was Auntie Diva who was lit up....
That's because [wicked] cousin OilCan had the Cocoa Trailer People put something spikey in your Auntie Diva's cocoa powder.
That's it. Cousin OilCan? Go get me a switch from the pecan tree!
Mitmo01
12-14-2009, 09:28 AM
hahahahahahahha lmfao baby jeebus take the wheel
omg thats funny you guys would have me rolling so hard
Deborah
12-14-2009, 09:33 AM
And so, boys and girls....the saga of Auntie Diva and The Christmas Lights Tour continues......
So......your cousins OilCan, PupSchmoopieSchmoop and I depart the Johnson City Trailer Park Light Festival and back into the fog on to Marble Falls. Drive, boys and girls, drive! The fog was so amazingly thick, I was thankful I didn't have to drive, boys and girls, yet I was able to scoot to the center of the back seat to lend my support, of course. There may be some (including your cousin OilCan) who MAY call that backseat driving. Of course, I would never do that.....
There were all manner of festiveness, boys and girls......we travelled through a "light tunnel" of blue and white lights.....we saw another Santa on a stagecoach.....and Santa on a covered wagon....and Santa on a jetski....followed closely by Rudolph on skis.......then we had the elves putting presents on the sleigh! THAT was exciting! There were angels all lit up and all manner of trees in various colors and heights and light genres ~ we had your LEDS, your TRADITIONAL twinkles and your rope lights (yes, your Auntie Diva said "rope")......your Auntie Diva was MESMERIZED at the various and sundry light creations! Who sits around and thinks UP all this stuff? Those crazy, mad~cap MarbleFALLS people, THAT'S who!
Did I mention that they allowed the screaming children into this thing? Are there no RULES?
And the saga continues..........
Signed,
Auntie Diva, who managed not to dislodge the pillbox hat by rolling down the hill.....
(Dammit, Linus! Why is there no pillbox smilie?!?!?!?!?!)
Auntie Diva I reaaaaaaalllllly love all things Christmas and especially lights and decorations (pay no attention to that scrooge that assisted me with our decor MINUS the Christmas carols...I had to make that nasty deal to get help) anywaaaay....I want to go see the lights I will not squeal like those horrible children....I promise to stay with the group and hold hands with you Auntie Diva and cousin Oilcan and cousin Pupschmoopie so we don't get lost in the crowd...pahleaseeeeeee....oh sorry I wasn't begging really....
PS. Being that my name is Jaqueline...I LOVE PILLBOX hats...just saying.
hahahahahahahha lmfao baby jeebus take the wheel
omg thats funny you guys would have me rolling so hard
Yes.....being in a car full of haters & a woman in a pillbox IS hysterical! :thumbsup:
Auntie Diva I reaaaaaaalllllly love all things Christmas and especially lights and decorations (pay no attention to that scrooge that assisted me with our decor MINUS the Christmas carols...I had to make that nasty deal to get help) anywaaaay....I want to go see the lights I will not squeal like those horrible children....I promise to stay with the group and hold hands with you Auntie Diva and cousin Oilcan and cousin Pupschmoopie so we don't get lost in the crowd...pahleaseeeeeee....oh sorry I wasn't begging really....
Of COURSE, cousin Princess.......sometimes, it made me laugh just a little bit to let go of their little hands and watch them run amok around the lit~up menorrah, or the bales of hay for the lit~up donkeys....
The cousins amuse me so, it's almost WORTH having the pillbox hat cut off the circulation to my brain.....:angel:
morningstar55
12-14-2009, 09:56 AM
christmas cookies for everyone.....
http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o199/morningstar1955/cookies.jpg
Oiler41
12-17-2009, 10:05 PM
That's because [wicked] cousin OilCan had the Cocoa Trailer People put something spikey in your Auntie Diva's cocoa powder.
That's it. Cousin OilCan? Go get me a switch from the pecan tree!
Uh oh,,someone's in trouble, bwaaaahahaha
And the Cocoa trailer people seemed like they were in shock or something, lol. I mean, you know,,it's hard mixing water and cocoa powder in a trailer. I do wish all the cousins could join us at the cocoa trailer! What fun that would be,,for us. The locals might not be so amused though,,,
Cousin OilCan
Uh oh,,someone's in trouble, bwaaaahahaha
And the Cocoa trailer people seemed like they were in shock or something, lol. I mean, you know,,it's hard mixing water and cocoa powder in a trailer. I do wish all the cousins could join us at the cocoa trailer! What fun that would be,,for us. The locals might not be so amused though,,,
Cousin OilCan
Yes, the Cocoa Trailer people would get an eyeful, wouldn't they cousin Oilcan, if all the cousins ran amok at the Light Display....:hippie:
I can see cousin Shizzle trying to climb up on Santa's stagecoach:riding2: or cousin GemmieLicious trying to climb into baby Jeebus's manger.:innocent:
I kept waiting for that trailer to break free and roll into the ribber, as we were rather on an incline.......Your Auntie Diva felt like a mountain goat.....a mountain goat with vertigo.....:goat:
Signed,
Auntie Diva on the slant.....gotta hate THAT!
Gemme
12-18-2009, 07:05 PM
Yes, the Cocoa Trailer people would get an eyeful, wouldn't they cousin Oilcan, if all the cousins ran amok at the Light Display....:hippie:
I can see cousin Shizzle trying to climb up on Santa's stagecoach:riding2: or cousin GemmieLicious trying to climb into baby Jeebus's manger.:innocent:
I kept waiting for that trailer to break free and roll into the ribber, as we were rather on an incline.......Your Auntie Diva felt like a mountain goat.....a mountain goat with vertigo.....:goat:
Signed,
Auntie Diva on the slant.....gotta hate THAT!
Hey, that sounds like FUN! :superfunny:
Hey, that sounds like FUN! :superfunny:
How did I KNOW this?
I've made you a t-shirt, cousin Gemmie, that says, "I Slept With The Baby Jeebus & All I Got Was This Stupid T~Shirt?!?!"
That is all.
Signed,
~Auntie Diva
CEO of Auntie Diva's T~Shirts-R-Us
Gemme
12-19-2009, 08:06 PM
How did I KNOW this?
I've made you a t-shirt, cousin Gemmie, that says, "I Slept With The Baby Jeebus & All I Got Was This Stupid T~Shirt?!?!"
That is all.
Signed,
~Auntie Diva
CEO of Auntie Diva's T~Shirts-R-Us
Yessssssssssssssssss! :dance1:
:choir:
Good afternoon, boys and girls, and Merry Holidays Eve!
I have a Christmas story for you about My Evil Postman and The Case Of The Runaway Mailbox..............
For weeks now, I have noticed that my mailbox was getting tiltier and tiltier....sorta like your cousin Lips toward the end of one of your Auntie Diva's soirees......
But I digress......
So, I have waited with bated breath lo these many days (notice I said "lo", boys and girls, just like the baby Jeebus's angel said to the shepherds tending their flocks....I wanted to make the story relevant for the children) for an opportune moment to actually FIX that mailbox as the postman wasn't treating it with care as he deposited my mail. I'm not exactly sure, boys and girls, what his issue was and why it was so difficult to just slide the mail in, seeing as the DOOR to the mailbox fell off months ago. :army:
ANYway....
I was sitting at my desk just a few moments ago, minding my own bees wax, playing Shoot The Balloon (or whatEVER it's called) and my doorbell rings. Normally, I would not answer the door, boys and girls, but your cousin OilCan and your cousin Schmoopie were out of town, so I knew it was safe to answer.
Lo and behold, a stranger from the east, boys and girls.
No. Really.
I've never seen such a strange looking man. And why was he standing on my porch..........and holding my mailbox????? :twitch:
I opened my door. "Hi....my name is Shawn," he said (so it WASN'T Sasquatch?!?!?!?), and I think this might be yours. It wasn't hard to figure it out, really, as yours is the only house on the street without a mailbox." (smartass) And he held up my doorless mailbox!
"OH MY GOODNESS," I exclaimed. "Where do live?"
"About 4 doors down on the other side of the street," he replied. "We had some strong winds last night, I guess." He spoke the truth. Even Lucy had barked at the noise of the wind, boys and girls.
I opened my door and he handed me my mailbox. Thank GOODness, I had bought a NEW mailbox.....2 years ago.
Now.....maybe you're remembering, boys and girls, that I mentioned my evil postman? Yes. As your Auntie Diva was waiting for more Christmas cards, the postman just whizzed right by your Auntie Diva's house!!! Could he not have dropped off my mail????? Was that too much to ask?
My FORMER mailchick WOULD have. SHE would have LOOKED for my poor, doorless, lost and windblown mailbox......and brought it to me.......and PROBABLY would have offered to fix it for me, too. She was cute that way.
And that, boys and girls, was the story of The Evil Postman, Sasquatch and Auntie Diva's Windblown Mailbox.
Signed,
Auntie Diva......looking for cousin M, as SHE used to work for the postal service & she's wondering if it's "...neither rain, nor snow, nor WIND TURBULENCE or dark of night....." if THAT'S the way that goes.....
Gemme
12-24-2009, 07:17 PM
Good afternoon, boys and girls, and Merry Holidays Eve!
I have a Christmas story for you about My Evil Postman and The Case Of The Runaway Mailbox..............
For weeks now, I have noticed that my mailbox was getting tiltier and tiltier....sorta like your cousin Lips toward the end of one of your Auntie Diva's soirees......
But I digress......
So, I have waited with bated breath lo these many days (notice I said "lo", boys and girls, just like the baby Jeebus's angel said to the shepherds tending their flocks....I wanted to make the story relevant for the children) for an opportune moment to actually FIX that mailbox as the postman wasn't treating it with care as he deposited my mail. I'm not exactly sure, boys and girls, what his issue was and why it was so difficult to just slide the mail in, seeing as the DOOR to the mailbox fell off months ago. :army:
ANYway....
I was sitting at my desk just a few moments ago, minding my own bees wax, playing Shoot The Balloon (or whatEVER it's called) and my doorbell rings. Normally, I would not answer the door, boys and girls, but your cousin OilCan and your cousin Schmoopie were out of town, so I knew it was safe to answer.
Lo and behold, a stranger from the east, boys and girls.
No. Really.
I've never seen such a strange looking man. And why was he standing on my porch..........and holding my mailbox????? :twitch:
I opened my door. "Hi....my name is Shawn," he said (so it WASN'T Sasquatch?!?!?!?), and I think this might be yours. It wasn't hard to figure it out, really, as yours is the only house on the street without a mailbox." (smartass) And he held up my doorless mailbox!
"OH MY GOODNESS," I exclaimed. "Where do live?"
"About 4 doors down on the other side of the street," he replied. "We had some strong winds last night, I guess." He spoke the truth. Even Lucy had barked at the noise of the wind, boys and girls.
I opened my door and he handed me my mailbox. Thank GOODness, I had bought a NEW mailbox.....2 years ago.
Now.....maybe you're remembering, boys and girls, that I mentioned my evil postman? Yes. As your Auntie Diva was waiting for more Christmas cards, the postman just whizzed right by your Auntie Diva's house!!! Could he not have dropped off my mail????? Was that too much to ask?
My FORMER mailchick WOULD have. SHE would have LOOKED for my poor, doorless, lost and windblown mailbox......and brought it to me.......and PROBABLY would have offered to fix it for me, too. She was cute that way.
And that, boys and girls, was the story of The Evil Postman, Sasquatch and Auntie Diva's Windblown Mailbox.
Signed,
Auntie Diva......looking for cousin M, as SHE used to work for the postal service & she's wondering if it's "...neither rain, nor snow, nor WIND TURBULENCE or dark of night....." if THAT'S the way that goes.....
I'm pretty sure tha's the way it goes. If'n the post office wasn't closed now, I'd go complain for you. :dots:
It's ok, cousin GemmieLicious!
I have a new mailbox!!!
Of course, I can't find any screws the right size to go into the holes (don't go there, Missy Miss!) :blah: so in the morning, I MAY be standing in the driveway, holding the box......
:builder:
Gemme
12-25-2009, 11:34 PM
It's ok, cousin GemmieLicious!
I have a new mailbox!!!
Of course, I can't find any screws the right size to go into the holes (don't go there, Missy Miss!) :blah: so in the morning, I MAY be standing in the driveway, holding the box......
:builder:
I can TOTALLY imagine you doing that! :lol2:
Yanno, that's one way to make sure the mail guy actually stops at your house. Don't forget to flash some leg, Ryan says.
I can TOTALLY imagine you doing that! :lol2:
Yanno, that's one way to make sure the mail guy actually stops at your house. Don't forget to flash some leg, Ryan says.
Tell cousin Toolboy we don't want the good postman to crash the truck......
We don't have a mailman smilie, do we?
Good afternoon, boys and girls!
It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva! :choir:
Today's story is about your Auntie Diva's Anit~Peach Cobbler Extravaganza....
And the reason it was an 'extravaganza' was because your cousin Pixie was there.....otherwise, it would have been just a regular ol' anti~peach cobbler....Ohhhhhh....Ahhhhhhh...I hear you all saying! It's true!
So. I'm making a simple dinner for your cousin Pixie and I one night....(your cousin Pixie is one of those Vegetanarians, ya know, so it was a challenge for your Auntie Diva, the carnivore....). I made the Vegetanerian Chili, boys and girls.....it actually turned out pretty good ok....and it was even better after I added my browned ground sirloin. :|
Where was I? Oh yes.....
So...la la la, boys and girls....I was going to make a special treat for your cousin Pixie.....your Auntie Diva's Mama's (that's right, your Gra'ma Sybil's) Peach Cobbler! Yum, boys and girls, YUM!
First....(are you taking notes?) you melt a stick of butter (where do you think Paula Deen got this idea from? Your Gra'ma Sybil, that's who!) in a Pyrex dish in the oven.....so of course, I did this.
While it melted, I made the batter....the usual things: flour, sugar, baking powder, milk.....
And then I went to get the peaches from the pantry......<opening door to pantry>
Your Auntie Diva does this...... :|
There are no peaches. :| :|
What to do, what to do???? And I cannot waste these perfectly good ingredients.....so I started to think....if I haven't any peaches, whatever can I substitute? That can of pumpkin pie filling back there? Oh what manner of heinous fuckery would THAT be? No, no, no, boys and girls. Cream of mushroom soup?
Uh........no.
Then I had a brilliant idea.....Ameretto! Oh yes, boys and girls, I aimed to get your cousin Pixie tipsy on alcoholic cobbler! :D So I put about 1/2 of Ameretto in the batter.....ok, maybe it was a cup. Then I sprinkled some pecans in and some cinnamon and dumped the batter into the butter....sans peaches.....and put it in the oven to bake.
I must admit, boys and girls, that it did smell mighty fine. But the proof, as we all know, is in the pudding. Or rather ~ in this case ~ the Alcoholic Anti~Peach Cobbler.
I tasted first, after we consumed mass quantities of salad and chili and whole wheat rolls....just so your cousin Pixie wouldn't fall down drunk in a stupor. And I was rather surprised!
The top was all torched & glazed over...much like your creme brulee` ~ and the only thing that would have made it BETTER (your cousin Pixie and I had discussion about this) would have been a dollop (or 6) of Vanilla Bean Blue Bell on top.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of your Auntie Diva's Anti~Peach Cobbler.
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Screw~Up Chef to all the cousins...:chef: :formalbow:
Pixie
01-20-2010, 01:48 PM
Good afternoon, boys and girls!
It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva! :choir:
Today's story is about your Auntie Diva's Anit~Peach Cobbler Extravaganza....
And the reason it was an 'extravaganza' was because your cousin Pixie was there.....otherwise, it would have been just a regular ol' anti~peach cobbler....Ohhhhhh....Ahhhhhhh...I hear you all saying! It's true!
So. I'm making a simple dinner for your cousin Pixie and I one night....(your cousin Pixie is one of those Vegetanarians, ya know, so it was a challenge for your Auntie Diva, the carnivore....). I made the Vegetanerian Chili, boys and girls.....it actually turned out pretty good ok....and it was even better after I added my browned ground sirloin. :|
Where was I? Oh yes.....
So...la la la, boys and girls....I was going to make a special treat for your cousin Pixie.....your Auntie Diva's Mama's (that's right, your Gra'ma Sybil's) Peach Cobbler! Yum, boys and girls, YUM!
First....(are you taking notes?) you melt a stick of butter (where do you think Paula Deen got this idea from? Your Gra'ma Sybil, that's who!) in a Pyrex dish in the oven.....so of course, I did this.
While it melted, I made the batter....the usual things: flour, sugar, baking powder, milk.....
And then I went to get the peaches from the pantry......<opening door to pantry>
Your Auntie Diva does this...... :|
There are no peaches. :| :|
What to do, what to do???? And I cannot waste these perfectly good ingredients.....so I started to think....if I haven't any peaches, whatever can I substitute? That can of pumpkin pie filling back there? Oh what manner of heinous fuckery would THAT be? No, no, no, boys and girls. Cream of mushroom soup?
Uh........no.
Then I had a brilliant idea.....Ameretto! Oh yes, boys and girls, I aimed to get your cousin Pixie tipsy on alcoholic cobbler! :D So I put about 1/2 of Ameretto in the batter.....ok, maybe it was a cup. Then I sprinkled some pecans in and some cinnamon and dumped the batter into the butter....sans peaches.....and put it in the oven to bake.
I must admit, boys and girls, that it did smell mighty fine. But the proof, as we all know, is in the pudding. Or rather ~ in this case ~ the Alcoholic Anti~Peach Cobbler.
I tasted first, after we consumed mass quantities of salad and chili and whole wheat rolls....just so your cousin Pixie wouldn't fall down drunk in a stupor. And I was rather surprised!
The top was all torched & glazed over...much like your creme brulee` ~ and the only thing that would have made it BETTER (your cousin Pixie and I had discussion about this) would have been a dollop (or 6) of Vanilla Bean Blue Bell on top.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of your Auntie Diva's Anti~Peach Cobbler.
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Screw~Up Chef to all the cousins...:chef: :formalbow:
It was fabulous Auntie Diva!!!! Don't forget the amazing cinnamon butterfly decoration You concocted on top!! It was the Icing on the, well...the ice cream on the..... it was great!!! :D
Gemme
01-21-2010, 07:59 PM
Tell cousin Toolboy we don't want the good postman to crash the truck......
We don't have a mailman smilie, do we?
Not yet, but if you squinch really hard, a couple of them could work in a pinch.
Good afternoon, boys and girls!
It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva! :choir:
Today's story is about your Auntie Diva's Anit~Peach Cobbler Extravaganza....
And the reason it was an 'extravaganza' was because your cousin Pixie was there.....otherwise, it would have been just a regular ol' anti~peach cobbler....Ohhhhhh....Ahhhhhhh...I hear you all saying! It's true!
So. I'm making a simple dinner for your cousin Pixie and I one night....(your cousin Pixie is one of those Vegetanarians, ya know, so it was a challenge for your Auntie Diva, the carnivore....). I made the Vegetanerian Chili, boys and girls.....it actually turned out pretty good ok....and it was even better after I added my browned ground sirloin. :|
Where was I? Oh yes.....
So...la la la, boys and girls....I was going to make a special treat for your cousin Pixie.....your Auntie Diva's Mama's (that's right, your Gra'ma Sybil's) Peach Cobbler! Yum, boys and girls, YUM!
First....(are you taking notes?) you melt a stick of butter (where do you think Paula Deen got this idea from? Your Gra'ma Sybil, that's who!) in a Pyrex dish in the oven.....so of course, I did this.
While it melted, I made the batter....the usual things: flour, sugar, baking powder, milk.....
And then I went to get the peaches from the pantry......<opening door to pantry>
Your Auntie Diva does this...... :|
There are no peaches. :| :|
What to do, what to do???? And I cannot waste these perfectly good ingredients.....so I started to think....if I haven't any peaches, whatever can I substitute? That can of pumpkin pie filling back there? Oh what manner of heinous fuckery would THAT be? No, no, no, boys and girls. Cream of mushroom soup?
Uh........no.
Then I had a brilliant idea.....Ameretto! Oh yes, boys and girls, I aimed to get your cousin Pixie tipsy on alcoholic cobbler! :D So I put about 1/2 of Ameretto in the batter.....ok, maybe it was a cup. Then I sprinkled some pecans in and some cinnamon and dumped the batter into the butter....sans peaches.....and put it in the oven to bake.
I must admit, boys and girls, that it did smell mighty fine. But the proof, as we all know, is in the pudding. Or rather ~ in this case ~ the Alcoholic Anti~Peach Cobbler.
I tasted first, after we consumed mass quantities of salad and chili and whole wheat rolls....just so your cousin Pixie wouldn't fall down drunk in a stupor. And I was rather surprised!
The top was all torched & glazed over...much like your creme brulee` ~ and the only thing that would have made it BETTER (your cousin Pixie and I had discussion about this) would have been a dollop (or 6) of Vanilla Bean Blue Bell on top.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of your Auntie Diva's Anti~Peach Cobbler.
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Screw~Up Chef to all the cousins...:chef: :formalbow:
Heinous fuckery indeed. I'm glad you were able to prevail.
Mmmmmm....sirloin....:bbq:
morningstar55
01-21-2010, 09:06 PM
** getting comfy with my blankie and reading the stories**...
dozin off......... **yyawwwnnnnnnn** ...........
zzZZZzzZzzzzzzZZzzZZzzzzzzz
Damn!! I didn't know this thread was here. :shocking: Now I gotta go allllll the way back to the beginning and get all caught up.
Wait.......is there a Readers Digest version of this thread??? :reader:
Damn!! I didn't know this thread was here. :shocking: Now I gotta go allllll the way back to the beginning and get all caught up.
Wait.......is there a Readers Digest version of this thread??? :reader:
Look, cousins, what the cat drug in......
Cousin GemmieLicious? It's your cousin Bodacious, come to stalk you again!!!! :giggle:
Look, cousins, what the cat drug in......
Cousin GemmieLicious? It's your cousin Bodacious, come to stalk you again!!!! :giggle:
Cat?? We have a cat? :cat:
Gemmie looooooooves me. I just KNOW it.. :gimmehug::cheer::heartbeat::sparklyheart::awww: :kissy:
Gemme
01-22-2010, 08:30 PM
Look, cousins, what the cat drug in......
Cousin GemmieLicious? It's your cousin Bodacious, come to stalk you again!!!! :giggle:
Great.
:whoop:
:coffee:
Hide the good stuff!
Cat?? We have a cat? :cat:
Gemmie looooooooves me. I just KNOW it.. :gimmehug::cheer::heartbeat::sparklyheart::awww: :kissy:
As I posted in the :| thread, I am no longer disillusioned as to what you do and do not know.
Great.
:whoop:
:coffee:
Hide the good stuff!
As I posted in the :| thread, I am no longer disillusioned as to what you do and do not know.
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great.
:whoop:
:coffee:
Hide the good stuff!
As I posted in the :| thread, I am no longer disillusioned as to what you do and do not know.
I know you wuv me. :awww:
Gemme
01-22-2010, 11:28 PM
I know you wuv me. :awww:
As I mentioned earlier "I" am not disillusioned...or delusional, whichever comes first. :eyebrow:
You Auntie Diva is glad she has stock in Kleenex.....sometimes, it gives her a wam and fuzzy feeling to see the cousins tiff.
Or maybe that's the Ben Gay.
:scarytv:
Mr. Moon
01-23-2010, 10:05 AM
The top was all torched & glazed over...
..:chef: :formalbow:
When I read this part....my first thought was..."Oh they were hammered ?"
:|
hehehe
-Mr. Moon
When I read this part....my first thought was..."Oh they were hammered ?"
:|
hehehe
-Mr. Moon
That would be fried, Mr. Moon. It is a culinary household, after all....<giggle>
"Hammered" is for boys. :seeingstars:
Mr. Moon
01-23-2010, 10:11 AM
Sorry, out of "practice" on the conversation with Femmes ..I think...
Thanks for "straightening" me out....
so to speak.....
(everything seems to have such sexual undertones...maybe I should put the keyboard down!)
-Mr. Moon ;)
As I mentioned earlier "I" am not disillusioned...or delusional, whichever comes first. :eyebrow:
Just in denial perhaps. :gimmehug:
Leigh
01-23-2010, 11:11 AM
This thread just feels like home to Me :D
Oh look, boys and girls......it's cousin Braedon, come to call......
Pssst....he thinks he's home.....be nice, cousin Bo.
morningstar55
01-23-2010, 02:34 PM
This thread just feels like home to Me :D
hey there... Braedon..... how ya feeling over there??
Gemme
01-23-2010, 03:28 PM
Just in denial perhaps. :gimmehug:
:boink:.....
Oh look, boys and girls......it's cousin Braedon, come to call......
Pssst....he thinks he's home.....be nice, cousin Bo.
I'm always nice.
Me ------> :seesaw: <------Gemmie
Gemme
01-24-2010, 10:43 AM
I'm always nice. :pointing:
Me ------> :seesaw: <------Gemmie
:eyebrow: ...
Mr. Moon
01-24-2010, 03:01 PM
I'm always nice.
Me ------> :seesaw: <------Gemmie
ok, THIS ....is funny..... :superfunny:
Gemme
01-24-2010, 03:47 PM
ok, THIS ....is funny..... :superfunny:
Which part? :blink:
I'd think carefully before I answered that, btw. :twitch:
Leigh
01-24-2010, 03:55 PM
Oh look, boys and girls......it's cousin Braedon, come to call......
Pssst....he thinks he's home.....be nice, cousin Bo.
Bo not nice? This seems like news to Me :thinking:
hey there... Braedon..... how ya feeling over there??
I'm feelin fine over here darlin, thanks for askin :rose:
I'm always nice.
Me ------> :seesaw: <------Gemmie
This post just confuses Me :blink:
Which part? :blink:
I'd think carefully before I answered that, btw. :twitch:
We all know which part. :cheesy:
Mr. Moon
01-25-2010, 11:40 AM
Which part? :blink:
I'd think carefully before I answered that, btw. :twitch:
:blink:............
:blink:............
Don't let her skeer ya, bro. :cool:
Good morning, boys and girls....it's your Auntie Diva, with the continuation of what I like to call
The Saga O' The Mailbox
Let's recap, shall we? Auntie Diva's mailbox blew down the street, right? Sasquatch, your Auntie Diva's neighbor ~ FOUR DOORS DOWN & across the street even! ~ brought the mailbox home. His logic..."Well ~ huh, huh ~ your house was the only one that didn't have a box."
WHAT? That was a little too personal, if you ask ME, boys and girls!
So.....I tried to fix the mailbox myself, boys and girls. But your Auntie Diva ~ while she can drink 'em ~ is not too handy with The Screwdriver. She DOES have a circular saw...and she DOES know how to use it, but something told me that, in this case, a circular saw was not the appropriate tool in this case.
:|
But I digress.
Well.....my mailman is just wonderful, boys and girls. Of course, I had bribed him with a CD. He gets out of his truck and brings my mail TO me. (He's a smart boy.)
So yesterday, your Auntie Diva met Mr. Postman ~ let's call him cousin Junkmail, shall we? ~at the curb with some letters to mail. I asked cousin Junkmail why he rang my doorbell yesterday when he left nothing. Did I need to sign for something? (I didn't make it to the door before he drove off. It was odd.)
Well, guess WHAT, boys and girls? Cousin Junkmail had been putting the mail in my NEW mailbox ~ which is sitting on top of a filing cabinet, which is sitting in my driveway.
Don't ask.
Did I even think to LOOK in the new mailbox? Oh [hell] no, boys and girls (forgive your Auntie Diva's potty mouth)......
We both had a good laugh at your Auntie Diva's expense.
And that is the story ~ and the hopeful conclusion ~ of your Auntie Diva's mailbox, starring cousin Junkmail.
(Oh...and just so you know, there will be 2 cousins coming to see me soon, and they are going to fix your Auntie Diva's box.)
Signed,
Auntie Diva, postage included...:gotmail:
Good evening, boys and girls, and gather 'round for another story from your Auntie Diva.......
Well, boys and girls, today was a very special day....yes.....today was the 18th birthday of the daughter of your cousin ShariBlueberry!!! It's true!
So I was invited to participate in the birthday extravaganza.....and I got in the MomMobile to drive to the north country and The Cheesecake Factory! Yum, boys and girls, YUM! It true! Little tiny elves work in the back ~ just like the North Pole! ~ and build delicious cheesecakes for all the lucky ones who grace their tables and are willing to pay $9.95 or the donation of one's youngest child.....something like that.
Of course, it was raining cats and dogs as I drove northward, and for a majority of the drive, I was going 2 mph. It's true. There was no accident that I ever saw. Your Auntie Diva was pretty sure it was National Granny~On~The~Highway Day here in The Austin Town. :|
But I eventually got there.....your cousin ShariBlueberry had passed out in the bread basket in a yeast coma, and little cousin Ambrosia was climbing over the seats, going from booth to booth.
But I digress.
We had a lovely meal, even if the waiters did switch off.....we ended our meal with Ricardo ~ who allowed me to slide his tip into his pocket...but that's another thread, boys and girls. I just said, "Get out the crackers" as he was quite the handsome Latino young man.:weedsmoke:
Digression #2.
So....as we were enjoying our cheesecakes, I commented to your cousin Ambrosia that she was an Aquarian.......and, as a matter of fact.....SO WAS AUNTIE DIVA'S EX~HUSBAND......
And I asked her, "So you know what THAT says, right"?
And without missing a beat, your cousin Ambrosia replied, "That I'm a bastard?"
:|
Your Auntie Diva didn't realize cousin Ambrosia had met her ex~husband.
Signed,
Auntie Diva, who is more than pleased to have an EX~husband
Just_G
02-03-2010, 09:57 PM
I love cousin Ambrosia! She is funny like her mom, cousin ShariBlueberry! :superfunny:
Sunny
02-03-2010, 10:56 PM
:chaplin::chaplin:
Thank you for the stories Auntie Diva. I am gettin verwee verwee sweepy now. I need my binkie and my blankie. Off to dreweem of femmy femmes.
Cousin Sunny Snukims.
:chaplin::chaplin:
Thank you for the stories Auntie Diva. I am gettin verwee verwee sweepy now. I need my binkie and my blankie. Off to dreweem of femmy femmes.
Cousin Sunny Snukims.
Did your Auntie Diva give you that name, cousin Sunshine? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
:knitgirl:
shariberry
02-04-2010, 11:47 AM
Dear Auntie Diva,
We have scarred poor little Cousin Ambrosia... she was so traumatized that she insisted on sleeping in my room last night. Well, that child sleeps under me, and she sweats. She kept mumbling in her sleep-- things like "No more strip clubs!" and "Please hurry and bring Diva more bread!"
I have NO IDEA how she knew your ex-husband is a bastard. I didn't even know she knew the word. :innocent:
Oh, and Ricardo's wife wants to have a word with you.:|
Dear Auntie Diva,
We have scarred poor little Cousin Ambrosia... she was so traumatized that she insisted on sleeping in my room last night. Well, that child sleeps under me, and she sweats. She kept mumbling in her sleep-- things like "No more strip clubs!" and "Please hurry and bring Diva more bread!"
I have NO IDEA how she knew your ex-husband is a bastard. I didn't even know she knew the word. :innocent:
Oh, and Ricardo's wife wants to have a word with you.:|
Cousin ShariBlueberry....
That's good.
I want to have a word with Ricardo's wife, too.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
:lawnmower:
Just_G
02-04-2010, 12:26 PM
Auntie Diva, does that mean you want to ask her if you can cut their grass, or that you want to ride on Ricardo? :blink: I am so confused.
Cousin Blueberry, sorry that Ambrosia is scared of bastards in strip clubs....again, I think I have this all wrong! :sheep:
Auntie Diva, does that mean you want to ask her if you can cut their grass, or that you want to ride on Ricardo? :blink: I am so confused.
Cousin Blueberry, sorry that Ambrosia is scared of bastards in strip clubs....again, I think I have this all wrong! :sheep:
Cousin Shizzle......
You.
Pecan tree.
Go.
~Auntie Diva
Puplove
02-04-2010, 09:06 PM
Digression #2.
So....as we were enjoying our cheesecakes, I commented to your cousin Ambrosia that she was an Aquarian.......and, as a matter of fact.....SO WAS AUNTIE DIVA'S EX~HUSBAND......
And I asked her, "So you know what THAT says, right"?
And without missing a beat, your cousin Ambrosia replied, "That I'm a bastard?"
:|
Your Auntie Diva didn't realize cousin Ambrosia had met her ex~husband.
Signed,
Auntie Diva, who is more than pleased to have an EX~husband
Dear Auntie Diva,
Cousin OilCan is an Aquarian.
Hee hee hee. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah,
Cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop
Dear Auntie Diva,
Cousin OilCan is an Aquarian.
Hee hee hee. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah,
Cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop
Cousin PupSchmoop,
There's ALways a bad egg in the bunch. But it's not cousinette Ambrosia OR Cousin OilCan.......
There needs to be another sign for the bad eggs......and we shall lump all of them together.
Just sayin'.....
Signed,
~Auntie Diva, Pisces Queen Goddess
Just_G
02-05-2010, 11:48 AM
Cousin Shizzle......
You.
Pecan tree.
Go.
~Auntie Diva
But Auntie Diva!!!!! :riding2: I love you. Here is a toaster to show my love for you! :freetoaster:
Auntie Diva, I have missed storytime so much. Not many switchings going on yet.. I aim to change that. :devil:
I have brought along my ever-present Mountain Dew and some extras. :drunk:
Oh, and my brand new perv chair! It's shiny and black, with leather and stuff.. Aren't you proud of me Auntie Diva?
Auntie Diva, I have missed storytime so much. Not many switchings going on yet.. I aim to change that. :devil:
I have brought along my ever-present Mountain Dew and some extras. :drunk:
Oh, and my brand new perv chair! It's shiny and black, with leather and stuff.. Aren't you proud of me Auntie Diva?
Cousin JeepWrangler?!?!!? Where have you BEEN?!?!! We thought You ran off with the circus. Or went on that solo sailing excursion around Cape Horn.....
You just watch that perv chair now, cousin JW.....Did You say leather?
I may or may not be proud.....
Signed,
Auntie Diva in the Perv Chair..... :tanning:
Jeep Wrangler? I wish! Sadly I had to settle for a Cherokee Sport. Works so well in this nasty white stuff though.
My perv chair is ever so comfy and I polished the chrome just to show it to you!
I have been working 3 jobs and farming and am off to bed so I can get up bright and early.
Gotta make that grren stuff that makes the world go 'round..
Good morning, boys and girls, and gather 'round for another story from your Auntie Diva!
Yes....it's been a long time since your last little story....I'm pretty sure this story will make you smile as much as WE did last night!
Your Auntie Diva had an interesting experience last night, boys and girls.....yes, she did! She experienced the Magic that IS The Texas Roller Derby extravaganza!
Oh my goodness!
Well. Let me just tell you, boys and girls, that your Auntie Diva may or may not have been hesitant in the beginning. Tentative is another good word to describe my state of mind on the subject. And hesitant.
But then I felt more confident that nothing too white trashy would befall your Auntie Diva, as she would be surrounded by the cousins..... :)
Yes.....your cousins RectoRama, cousin "B", cousin OBwanKanobee, cousin ArwenCard, cousin MitmoBettah, cousin Randomness and your Auntie Diva descended up The Thunderdome last night for the evening.
There were some VERY interesting folks in attendance, boys and girls, and your Auntie Diva discovered promptly she was way overdressed! What WOULD have been appropriate ~ instead of the black dress slacks, swirly printed blouse, black lacy sweater and perfectly coiffed bouf ~ would have been a cheap, curly wig (to pay homage to one for the skaters, Curly Suicide) or torn fishnets (your Auntie Diva may or may not have some of those, actually!) or blinged out roller skates..........
Your Auntie Diva will know the NEXT time! :thinking:
SO. Your Auntie Diva enters the venue and is struck by the wonder of it all! Their Thunderdome is not of the Mad Max (and Tina Turner) realm....but it was a healthy second, boys and girls!
There were bleachers with folding chairs, surrounding an oval~shaped, slanted 'track' and I may have stopped in my tracks to see some of their skaters.
Yes. There in the center, surrounding their little benches, were the two teams. One team in red ~ They were called the Rhinestone Cowgirls. Now, one MAY have suspected that THIS would be the team your Auntie Diva would have rooted for, boys and girls.
But, NO.
For there, surrounding the other bench, was a team dressed in ~ <sigh> ~ HOT PINK SATIN. Yes. There they were, boys and girls. The loveliness of The Hellcats............
Your Auntie Diva was in awe.
She was so stunned by the Hellcats' quirky goodness, your cousins MitmoBettah and Randomness just took her arms and guided her to the seats.
And the people~watching commenced!
What great fun! And your Auntie Diva may or may not have gotten a tad bit excited when the skaters were knocked down or had pillow fights (yes, it's true) or the jammers lapped the opposing team. (Yes, your Auntie Diva knows the Thunderdome Lingo now!)
Some of the players which captured your Auntie Diva's attention were:
~Dixie Sanchez
~Mummy Dearest (oh my!)
~Punky Bruiser
~Ethyl Murder (she was in trouble a lot, boys and girls!)
~Miso Vicious
~Sissy Spankit (another personal favorite)
~Dill Dozer (see above)
~Curly Suicide (she was a little powerhouse skater....and her fans wore really heinous blonde curly wigs)
~Pain N. Simple (Yes, boys and girls.......I may have lusted a bit. I met her. She was tall............and sweaty.)
And toward the end of the extravaganza, all the birthday people lined up against the railing of the track and the 2 teams SPANKED them! It was then and there, boys and girls, that your Auntie Diva nearly went the way of Satan and lied......I mean......what?
And THEN, the teams got rather cranky...and started shoving each other and knocking one another down....they just weren't playing nicely, boys and girls.
It was exciting!
And I got to thinking that perhaps your Auntie Diva should start the Geriatric Roller Derby......with teams such as The Malox Mamas......the Gilded Grannies.....or maybe the Quadruple Bypass Babes........
I could even have little, tiny skates on my walker!!!! I know, right?
At the end of it all, your cousin MitmoBettah ran over to Miss Pain N. Simple and got her to come over to me for a photo op. No one could have predicted that she would hug me tight to her sweaty body and kiss my cheek.
She was tall. And she may or may not have been quite the hot skater....with her sweaty tresses clinging to her moist skin and hot pink satin.
:|
So............how 'bout them Cowboys, boys and girls?
Forget the football......Roller Derby is your Auntie Diva's newest passion.
Signed,
Auntie Diva, who has chosen her Roller Derby name: Diva~va~voom :eyebat:
Good afternoon, boys and girls, and gather 'round.....it's time for another story from your Auntie Diva!!!!
Well, today, boys and girls, your cousin Berry came to Auntie Diva's house and brought lunch. YUM, boys and girls, YUM! We feasted on fajitas and rice and beans.....I may have mentioned that it was all YUM...but somehow, when it's free, it's even YUMMIER! :eyebat:
We didn't really know what we wanted to do, but we knew we wanted to create SOME sort of mischief. It's just best that we admit that right up front, boys and girls because, try as we might, it's gonna happen ANYway. (That's because your cousin Berry is of the devil...yes...from THAT side of the family ~ and it cannot be helped. I just go along to make her feel better about herself.) :|
But I digress. Where was I?
We decided to go buy tomato plants. So we went to The Lowe's because that's where the best butches are, boys and girls. What I MEANT to say is they have a better selection of tomatoes.
:police:
SO......we arrived and were immediately drawn to the lovely flowers. Bloom, little Lowe's, bloom! Your cousin Berry ~ of course ~ commented (in a lascivious manner) about the BIG BOY tomatoes. She is naughty. But there were no pecan trees around, and I just didn't feel right about sawing off a branch of a baby tree there at The Lowe's. So I let it go. For now.
Your Auntie Diva found 4 lovely little tomato plants that would do just fine.
And a sweet potato vine.
And some periwinkles.
And some petunias.
And some tomato stakes.
And a squirrel~proof bird feeder.
And a lime green chain saw.
WHAT?
Yes, boys and girls, it's true! Your Auntie Diva purchased a lime green chain saw for all those branches she needs for switchin' naughty cousin~butts. :|
But in the meantime.....we also went on a quest for a special kind of hook to hold the brooms in my laundry room, but found them not.
We ran into a nice young man who did his best to point us in the right direction....and in a manner of speaking, he did. We once were lost, but then were found by 3 butches who JUST HAPPENED to work there and came to our aid when cousin Shari tried to lead me down the wrong way.
Shari wanted to go back to the nice young man as she was convinced he had a Jamaican accent. (There was NO Jamaican accent, boys and girls. He was from Dallas.) Not only THAT, but this nice young man did not know the difference between his teals and his lime greens, OR his magentas from his reds.......it was disappointing.
In the meantime, I did my BEST to describe the KIND of broom hooks I wanted. They were not there. I KNOW they exist (Do not try to tell me they do not, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva has purchased them before!) so I was a tad dispondent and dejected. Every laundry room needs some good broom hooks. It just does.
ANYway, the broom hooks......we didn't find them.
I'm not quite sure what the timeline WAS, but amidst all of that confusion, we discovered the lime green chain saw! IT IS SO CUTE! I had to have it. It has a 2~year warranty, so that means I have 2 years to break it. Break it IN, I mean. Break it IN!
Your Auntie Diva is UBER excited about her new chain saw and have included a lovely picture of one very similar to the one I bought. I will cut a swatch of trees, the likes of which this neighborhood has never seen before, boys and girls.
Now...I know you're asking yourselves.....WOW, Auntie Diva.....did You go HOME after this? Wasn't this enough entertainment and merriment for one day?
And one might think SO. But on our way back to your Auntie Diva's homestead, we dropped by the McDonald's to get a cold dring. We were witness to 2 interesting homeless men, trying to claim their corner. It was a heated battle, boys and girls, and the fingers were flying.
Then we turned the corner.
As we're listening to our music and laughing and talking, Al Green came on and your cousin Shari may or may not have put her hand on your Auntie Diva's thigh.:nailbitin:
Your cousin Shari was confused, boys and girls. VERY confused. And she was driving, too!
And that's the story of your cousin Berry and your Auntie Diva's Expeditionistical Trip to the Lowe's Land.
Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Chainsaw Madwoman
:chainsaw:
http://i914.photobucket.com/albums/ac342/TheCleaningDoctor/Tools%20for%20Sale/DSC06863.jpg
And a lime green chain saw.
WHAT?
Yes, boys and girls, it's true! Your Auntie Diva purchased a lime green chain saw for all those branches she needs for switchin' naughty cousin~butts. :|
I think you need a hot hunky camera man on staff to snap pictures of you wielding that lime green chainsaw for...uhm...switchin' purpose. :grindevil:
morningstar55
04-10-2010, 06:11 PM
**sitting down and getting comfy for story time...**
and willing to share...... some of me birfffday cake and ice creams...
http://i719.photobucket.com/albums/ww198/Meeshellz41/IMG_4727.jpg
http://i0006.photobucket.com/albums/0006/findstuff22/Best%20Images/Just%20For%20Fun/icecream1.jpg
Gemme
04-10-2010, 06:15 PM
Perhaps the poor man was color-blind? :blink:
I think you need a hot hunky camera man on staff to snap pictures of you wielding that lime green chainsaw for...uhm...switchin' purpose. :grindevil:
That's a great idea!
Have You a camera? :eyebat:
Perhaps the poor man was color-blind? :blink:
Bless his little non~Jamaican heart........:twitch:
Gemme
04-10-2010, 06:27 PM
Bless his little non~Jamaican heart........:twitch:
Well, you know those Dallas-non-Jamaicans..... :blink:
It really makes me nervous to see that lovely chain saw's blade over the power cord; just sayin'.
Gemme
04-10-2010, 07:21 PM
It really makes me nervous to see that lovely chain saw's blade over the power cord; just sayin'.
That's not Diva's. It's just a pic of one like it so we'd know what she got.
She knows not to put the blade on a cord. :)
....or my foot.
.....or my eyelashes.
:eyebat:
Ryobi
04-10-2010, 07:38 PM
Diva, I'm impressed by your ability to find lime green EVERYthing. I wish I could see "The Sawyer Diva" in action. :simplelaugh: When you get good at it, I'll lend you my climbing gear for the top. It's lime green, too.
(just think of the size pile of ass-whoopers you'll have. Maybe a few of us will have to brush up on being naughty.) :fallenangel:
nhplowboi
04-10-2010, 07:51 PM
Auntie Diva I see you got the Poulin "Wild" model. I think that is very appropriate.
morningstar55
04-10-2010, 07:58 PM
oh wow.... soo sorry Auntie Diva for such a large pic of the birthday cake... i been having internet issues.. :(
As I intimated on Facebook, Auntie Diva....
You wielding chainsaw = me looking for something sturdy to hide under
You may or may not know that I work with a lot of foresters, and they all wear chaps when out in the forest wielding chainsaws. I think your following here will be expecting a photo of you in chaps when you wield your chainsaw. Just saying. :sunglass:
Gemme
04-10-2010, 09:03 PM
As I intimated on Facebook, Auntie Diva....
You wielding chainsaw = me looking for something sturdy to hide under
You may or may not know that I work with a lot of foresters, and they all wear chaps when out in the forest wielding chainsaws. I think your following here will be expecting a photo of you in chaps when you wield your chainsaw. Just saying. :sunglass:
I suggest black ones. It will help make the green and purple pop.
:chainsaw:
Diva, I'm impressed by your ability to find lime green EVERYthing. I wish I could see "The Sawyer Diva" in action. :simplelaugh: When you get good at it, I'll lend you my climbing gear for the top. It's lime green, too.
(just think of the size pile of ass-whoopers you'll have. Maybe a few of us will have to brush up on being naughty.) :fallenangel:
I believe all of the cousins have 'naughty' down to a fine art.
Film at 11. :|
Auntie Diva I see you got the Poulin "Wild" model. I think that is very appropriate.
Yes, cousin PlowBoi.....it is just about the only thing that IS appropriate. :D
As I intimated on Facebook, Auntie Diva....
You wielding chainsaw = me looking for something sturdy to hide under
You may or may not know that I work with a lot of foresters, and they all wear chaps when out in the forest wielding chainsaws. I think your following here will be expecting a photo of you in chaps when you wield your chainsaw. Just saying. :sunglass:
Cousin Hackberry (get it? Hackberry? Forester?)....
I think chaps ~ some lovely purple ones ~ would be stunning, yes?
I also think a photo will be forthcoming.
I suggest black ones. It will help make the green and purple pop.
:chainsaw:
Perhaps black WOULD be best.....
Or neon orange..... :D
Now THERE'S a vision!
moxie
04-10-2010, 09:52 PM
Maybe we could have a party and Bedazzle some safety goggles. Gotta have the bling at all times.
The Bedazzler should be right next to every chainsaw.
:|
Rockinonahigh
04-11-2010, 09:19 AM
Id go with black silver mounted chaps...after all u wanted bling...oh yes u will need golves or u will have nasty caluses on your pretty hands as well as some somewhat chiped nalis.
Ok, cousin Rockie.....I think we should [all] be realistic......
You can't REALLY see your Auntie Diva in chaps now CAN you? I think not. :dance1:
However...the gloves are absolutely necessary for the reasons given. And we mustn't forget the blinged~out eyewear.....
I shall not be wielding the Mighty Chainsaw this day, boys and girls, as it is misting in Austin Town.....
Oh well.....just putting off the inevitible. I hear Channel 4 is coming for an interview.....this is an historical event, after all.
"AUNTIE DIVA GOES BUTCH......Story at 11!"
Rockinonahigh
04-11-2010, 01:17 PM
OK no chaps,I do know they look good on the cowgirls .im just sayin.Now do be careful with said lime greem chain saw cause the blade can get loose and come off...do get a good hold of it cause it prolly will vibrate a little or a lot. Any how, it would really bad if it did and cause u any harm.The butch a home depot DID show u how to tighten it up..the chain saw blade I mean.
OK no chaps,I do know they look good on the cowgirls .im just sayin.Now do be careful with said lime greem chain saw cause the blade can get loose and come off...do get a good hold of it cause it prolly will vibrate a little or a lot. Any how, it would really bad if it did and cause u any harm.The butch a home depot DID show u how to tighten it up..the chain saw blade I mean.
No butches helped with the chain saw:sunglass:.....I saw it, I bought it.
The blade can come OFF? I know it came with an extra chain and a 2~year warranty.
You said "vibrate".
You said "tighten".
You said "blade".
I went.....:eyebat:
Signed,
Auntie Diva, the chapless cowgirl...:onebutch:
Rockinonahigh
04-11-2010, 03:14 PM
Yes the blade can come of and cause serious injury to the user or ppl near by.The bar is held on by a bolt and a nut thrue the mount of the saw,when it gets loose from vibrating the blade will pop off,please get someone to show u how to fix it before u get cut really bad.
I did say blade,tighten and vibrate(sounds decadent dosent it?) so also get a good hold of that lime green thingy u bought when u use it.
Cousin Rockie, I think my eyes glazed over a bit during Your first paragraph......
:|
Sorta like that.
Rockinonahigh
04-11-2010, 04:16 PM
Im just an old farm boi pasing on some advice on stuff that could get u hurt,I would hate to see u injured by anything.If I can help in anyway feel free to ask.
Gemme
04-11-2010, 05:52 PM
OK no chaps,I do know they look good on the cowgirls .im just sayin.Now do be careful with said lime greem chain saw cause the blade can get loose and come off...do get a good hold of it cause it prolly will vibrate a little or a lot. Any how, it would really bad if it did and cause u any harm.The butch a home depot DID show u how to tighten it up..the chain saw blade I mean.
Oh, no.
Do you know what you just did?
No butches helped with the chain saw:sunglass:.....I saw it, I bought it.
The blade can come OFF? I know it came with an extra chain and a 2~year warranty.
You said "vibrate".
You said "tighten".
You said "blade".
I went.....:eyebat:
Signed,
Auntie Diva, the chapless cowgirl...:onebutch:
Oh, I see. You do know what you did. Carry on, then. :coffee:
Rockinonahigh
04-11-2010, 06:12 PM
:clover: im lucky that way...I think.
You're still talking about chainsaws, right? :|
Gemme
04-11-2010, 06:31 PM
You're still talking about chainsaws, right? :|
I dunno. I think Rockin changed the subject and is now talking being lucky or green or getting lucky or going to the store and buying Lucky Charms (LOVE THEM! Buy two for me, please!) or sumthin. :blink:
I think Diva should look into capri chaps, oh yes I do.
Rockinonahigh
04-11-2010, 08:14 PM
Confusion abounds..I was talking about chain saw safty annnnnd sometimes im lucky enough to stay out of trouble.
Puplove
04-11-2010, 09:50 PM
I think the conversation veered over to vibrating Samsonite...
Gemme
04-11-2010, 10:01 PM
I think the conversation veered over to vibrating Samsonite...
:giggle:
:clap:
:superfunny:
:cracked:
:huhlaugh:
:rofl:
:thumbsup:
God that was funny. :grindevil:
That, too. :whip:
PS R & M were all Snoopy McSnoopersons, cousin Gemmie & cousin Puppapuppaburninlove.....and they opened the armoire. :|
Gemme
04-11-2010, 10:26 PM
God that was funny. :grindevil:
That, too. :whip:
PS R & M were all Snoopy McSnoopersons, cousin Gemmie & cousin Puppapuppaburninlove.....and they opened the armoire. :|
Were you kind enough to arm it in advance?
Puplove
04-11-2010, 10:26 PM
R & M are Naughty McNaughtersons. And I know who R&M are.
LOL!
Yes, they ARE! Too funny!
Now I'm REALLY lost. Who are the M&M's and what does Snoopy have to do with it?????? :hospital-snoopy:
Ms. Tabitha
04-12-2010, 06:37 AM
.....and they opened the armoire. :|
I have seen the armoire...I have taken a peek in said armoire... I fear the armoire :|......... :blink:
Rockinonahigh
04-12-2010, 09:33 AM
Oh my now im confrused~~~~~
Gemme
04-12-2010, 10:11 PM
Oh my now im confrused~~~~~
Oh, dear, Rockin....it's most definitely a HAD TO BE THERE moment. :blink:
Rockinonahigh
04-12-2010, 10:35 PM
Must be,but I gess its not for this butch to even ponder such things,having a plain and simple mind is something a good thing.
Gemme
04-12-2010, 10:44 PM
Must be,but I gess its not for this butch to even ponder such things,having a plain and simple mind is something a good thing.
The complexity of one's mind is not the issue, I assure you. I was serious. It's one of those moments in time that required a person (or persons) to be in the vicinity of the Samsonite and/or armoire and/or Diva's closet and/or.....you get the idea. *grin* You just had to be there. :)
Rockinonahigh
04-13-2010, 08:07 AM
The complexity of one's mind is not the issue, I assure you. I was serious. It's one of those moments in time that required a person (or persons) to be in the vicinity of the Samsonite and/or armoire and/or Diva's closet and/or.....you get the idea. *grin* You just had to be there. :)
Ahhh yes,one of the devine moments of life,now I get it.Tks.
Clearly, Auntie Diva needs to padlock the armoire and her closet......
There are naughty cousins running amok. :bow:
:fallenangel:
morningstar55
06-12-2010, 09:57 AM
Hello, boys and girls....
Auntie Diva's Story Time has arrived.....
Occasionally, something of an amusing nature will happen to your Auntie Diva and she will make a story from it. If you want to come and listen, I will bestow up you your "cousin name".....don't argue with me or your Auntie Diva will make you get a switch from her pecan tree.
So stay tuned, kids.....Auntie Diva went to the doctor this morning and there's a story right there! I'll be back to tell you all about it.
Auntie Diva may or may not embellish.
Signed,
Auntie Diva, story~teller for the children......
mmm .. umm . **innocent bashful look.... and in a quiet voice**... i like pecans :)
Good afternoon, boys and girls....its way past time for another story from your Auntie Diva!!!
Yes...it's been a long time, but there haven't been any stories to tell....ok, none that were FIT to tell the children......
But alas, I have one today, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva went to The Ikea....and mayhem ensued. Oh yes, it did, boys and girls.
Your cousin Tabitha and I decided to visit The Ikea (there's an acronym in there somewhere) for a little Retail Therapy, boys and girls. Can you say "Retail Therapy"? Yes! This is when you decide that life is getting you down and so you decide to go spend money that you probably shouldn't spend, ignoring the clear reality that, soon, that, too, will come back to bite your ass in a most unpleasant way.
But your Auntie Diva digresses.
Well....so the day before we were to go to The Ikea, your Auntie Diva was taking a shower (she does some of her best thinking there) and it occurred to her that she had double~booked!
OH NO! boys and girls, OH NO!
Yes, it's true.
Your Auntie Diva got a new dishwasher and it was to be delivered around the same time as your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva were to have breakfast ~ to gird our loins ~ before the grand shopping expedition.
So your Auntie Diva picked up the phone and called your cousin Tabitha to inform her that perhaps we could go a little later ~ the dishwasher was to be delivered in the morning.
Well, Rudy called me the next morning to tell me that the delivery would probably be "a little later....noon". That was ok.....The Ikea closes at nine. More than enough time to do some damage....I mean, get some good therapy.
You see what is about to happen here, don't You boys and girls? :|
Yes....the morning passed slowly. No dishwasher. At 1:27, your Auntie Diva decided to have some conversation with Mr. Rudy and he then informed me that Martin would probably not be there until between 4 and 6. :|
Was your Auntie Diva happy to hear this news? Oh no, boys and girls, no she was not. This could only mean that more therapy would need to take place.
Your cousin Tabitha decided to come over and we waited for Martin. Wait, wait, wait, boys and girls. There was just so much scratching of Lucy's tummy we could do. Then.....our eyes lit up because we hear the sound of a big truck coming! It was like Santa!
It was 5:20-ish. They brought the dishwasher....it was lovely.....I shooed Martin out the door and your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva made like a bat out of h-e-double hockey sticks for Therapy.
We made it to the Therapist's Office around 6....that still gave us 3 good hours, right?
We got inside and took a deep breath.....ah....the lovely scent of household merchandise......shop, Auntie Diva, SHOP!
We touched pretty much everything......the bath mats....the baskets....the candles....the magnetic spice racks and the coffee presses......but then, it was time to load up the serious stuff.....Auntie Diva was getting a book case.
There they were...all stacked up in the boxes....but could your Auntie Diva even budge that sucker? Oh hell no.
Just then, we saw a guy with his back to us in a bright yellow shirt. Your cousin Tabitha said, "Excuse me, could you help us?"
He stood up and turned around......
I do believe your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva held hands and our collective drool ran from one corner of our lipsticked lips.....for there, boys and girls.....there facing us......even now, I'm holding my breath....facing us was one of the loveliest butches we had ever seen. We won't discuss the age of this gorgeous hunk of Universal creation, but suffice it to say the word "Cougar" MAY have crossed my mind.
So she came over to help us, and I'm pretty sure I decided I wanted 6 more of those bookcases.... :|
It was a heavenly moment as we stalked ~ I mean followed her down the other aisle as she helped someone else.
Then, we checked out and decided we needed sustenance in the form of Cajun food. So your cousin Tabitha called cousin Charmer to meet us and off we went to the Razoo's across the driveway from The Ikea....in our weakened condition, we could not drive too far.
To be continued......
.....so......
we drove across the driveway and I let your cousin Tabitha out to get our name on the list. Of course, just as soon as I did, there was a parking place (your Auntie Diva has good parking karma, boys and girls) right there by the restaurant!
We had a 20 minute wait, but we got to sit on the bench by the door ~ inside and out of the humidity. We were also close to the hostess stand where all the cute little waitresses with their fake~bake tans would come and hang out.
One of them gave me the pager, but I swear, boys and girls, it looked like a taser gun! I may have remarked same to the girl who handed it to me....and she came back over and said she agreed and then she stuck her arm out for me to "taser".
I believe the tanning beds might add a bit of smart ass to one's personality, for she jerked her body around as though I DID taser her, which in turn, scared your Auntie Diva!!! They all laughed and made sport of me. But then i said...."You better watch out! I'm an old woman and I believe I just peed myself!"
For just a split second, she believe I may very well HAD peed myself and we may have laughed so hard then, I believe I might have peed myself then! LOL! It was a moment of levity, boys and girls!
So then we were seated. Your cousin Charmer had yet to arrive, but we ordered an appetizer of fried alligator and rat toes. Don't ask, boys and girls......but there are rats running amok on tiny little crutches somewhere....
I digress.
We also ordered some sort of frozen concoction which had melon and raspberry liqueur in it. It was worth it just to get the Mardi Gras beads, boys and girls! It was festive.
It HAD occurred to us to SAVE some of the fried alligator for your cousin Charmer....but we kept talking and kept eating until ~ OH NO ~ there was none left.....just as cousin Charmer walked in the door, your cousin Tabitha tripped a poor busboy and got him to carry off the evidence....I mean the empty plate.
The older I get, boys and girls, the more difficult it is to maintain a look of innocence. But it looked something like this: :eyebat:
We ordered our food then from our waiter, Val, whose most charming feature was to say "My pleasure" every 2 seconds. He rather looked like one of last season's American Idol top 10 contestants with the blond dreads and the guitar...remember him, boys and girls? Val ~ whose name, he was quick to inform us, was short for Valentino ~ didn't know who I meant, when I mentioned this to him. But his MOTHER would know as she watches it all the time. :|
At one point, boys and girls, we needed Val's assistance. Your cousins were sweetly waving to him, trying to get his attention. He was standing just outside the door, holding court with about 5 of the fake bakers.....after about 30 seconds of their genteel waving, your Auntie Diva said, "Oh please!" and cupped her hands around her mouth and ~ in her best middle school teacher, Toppy McTopperson voice, yelled, "VAL!"
He heard me. :D
We allowed Val My Pleasure to talk us into a bread pudding. We thought we might each get one, but Val My Pleasure said they were pretty good sized so we opted for one and 3 spoons.
It was a good thing we did that, boys and girls, as that bread pudding was THE SIZE OF MY HEAD! But it was ever so yummy! And a grand way to end our Retail Therapy!
We drove to La Hacienda, full as full can be....
It was a good day, boys and girls.....a very good day! And so ends another story from your Auntie Diva!
:wine:
Ms. Tabitha
07-03-2010, 04:38 PM
I do believe IKEA will NEVER be the same again.
My side still hurts from laughing so hard!
Great night and great shopping!!
:blink:
TxsCharmr
07-03-2010, 05:23 PM
Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA. :blink:
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!! :thumbsup:
Cuzn Charmr
Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA. :blink:
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!! :thumbsup:
Cuzn Charmr
It was the fried alligator and the rat toes....just sayin'.... :wine:
Ms. Tabitha
07-04-2010, 08:02 AM
Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA. :blink:
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!! :thumbsup:
Cuzn Charmr
OK.. I don't know about that foamin thing.. seriously :|
I do know that I should stick to a glass of wine and NOT a frozen whatever-the-hell-that-was with mardi gras beads and a sword :blink:
Thanks to "VAL" and Chick Fil A, I now find myself wanting to say, "My pleasure"instead of "Thank you".
I wonder how that will go over on a 911 call?
:pirate-steer:
Gather 'round, boys and girls! It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva!
This is the multifaceted story of you Auntie Diva's Amazing Olympic Trial Audition for The Retail Therapy, combined with "Let's Learn Our Colors, cousin Charmer"...... :|
So, as some of you may know, your Auntie Diva was turned down for a teaching job late last night. Perhaps it was that jail time she experienced for having led a counterfiet ring for those fake Mrs. Baird's bread bags.....I thought there was a market for it.....but your Auntie Diva was sadly mistaken.
Who knew?
But your Auntie Diva digresses, as she is prone to do.
OH! Your Auntie Diva said "prone".
But I digress again.
Oh look! There's a chicken!
Again.
ANYway.....
Your cousin Tabitha picked up your Auntie Diva at the a$$crack of dawn, wherein we proceded to The Kerbey Lane breakfast heaven.
Our waiter ~ I'll call him Skippy ~ was just a wee bit too perky for your Auntie Diva (having had no coffee at this point) and unfortunately, he was training a cute little tattooed girl how to be just like him. Run, little tattooed girl, run!
But alas....she did not listen to your Auntie Diva.
Following breakfast, we proceeded to go to the North Country....land of cousin Puplove and cousin Oilerhunk......and there, your cousin Tabitha had to go into a hospital where she had to give blood.
Your Auntie Diva stayed in the car (running of course, so as to be blessed with the conditioned air) so she could take a little catnap.
According to your cousin Tabitha, she walked into a room full of MeeMaws and PeePaws who were old enough to be your Great Aunts and Great Uncles! They saw her comin', boys and girls, and they charged up their little scooters and popped wheelies in their chairs....and surrounded her in a manner of Chief Sitting Bull at Custer's Last Stand......some of the men may have been drooling and the MeeMaws may have been smacking their gums together.....at least she THOUGHT those were their gums.... :|
The "5 minutes" she was told, turned into over an hour.....translation: your Auntie Diva got a very lovely nap!
Then off we went to pick up your cousin Charmer down south and run a little errand. Drive, cousin Tabitha, drive! :|
That accomplished, we then proceeded as fast as the law would allow, to The Magical Heaven that IS The Hobby Lobby.
And....as The Universe would have it, there was a 50% sale for all things Scrackbook related. Did I mention "Heaven"? Yes. And we were Scrackbook Angels, boys and girls. Yes we were! And, it was perfect as we floated gaily through the aisles to the religious Muzak of "Just As I Am" and "How Great Thou Art"......It is very difficult to push 4 baskets at the same time, boys and girls.
My basket was immediately drawn to the clearance wall where much stocking of the basket ensued. Your Auntie Diva may have been heard to be singing along with the Muzak Hymns, as she loaded her basket with goodies! (There is an X~rated story in there somewhere, boys and girls.....)
This festival of buying completed, we loaded up the trunk with our goods and proceeded to a new little Asian restaurant ~ Rosie's Pho....boys and girls, your Auntie Diva is pretty certain that was a typo......it was really probably named "Rosie's Pho Sure.....but she is not 100% positive about that.
At first, there were not many people there....but clearly, some announcement was made ~ they heard we had arrived, and the throngs of folks entered, clammoring to sit next to us.
Of course, we ordered entirely too much food. Your Auntie Diva has enough to make it for 2 more meals!!!
Then, we had the discussion of the colors of the restaurant.....your cousin Charmer was fairly convinced that one of the doors was painted a rosy mauve ( :| ), howevere, the door was clearly brown. There was an olive colored wall ("green" to cousin Charmer) and then a pumpkin spice colored wall, which I believe your cousin Charmer felt was baby doo~doo mustard.
Throughout the course of the meal, we created 3 more colors.....#65, #66 & #67 in the box of 64 ~ Holy Mother of God, STFU and....in a moment of unmoralistic pottymouthesque behavior, cousin Charmer designated the color "I could suck on that all day long".....in regards to the sushi. We shall not travel down the road that is called Nasty Cousin Drive, boys and girls......
Suffice it to say that your cousin Tabitha may or may not have peed herself from laughing so hard.
I was trying to keep her from pointing at the various customers who were running out the door as fast as they could, as they witnessed your Auntie Diva stealing the neon Kirin Japanese Beer & Sushi sign for her dining room.
It was on the Pumpkin Spice wall, by the way.
And there is another installment from your Auntie Diva!
OH! I would be remiss if I didn't tell you the little PS of the story.....we stopped at a convenience store, where your cousin Charmer was mauled ~ I mean hugged (perhaps inappropriately) by a woman who was wearing a tablecloth dress......well....ok...it may NOT have been a tablecloth, though she DID have a turquoise hibiscus flower on her ass.
:|
Signed,
Auntie Diva, Fellow Fish Sucker:|
Gemme
07-16-2010, 08:48 PM
I can't wait to play a role in your Diva Dramas. Your stories are better than mom's old stories on the telly. :cheesy:
I can't wait to play a role in your Diva Dramas. Your stories are better than mom's old stories on the telly. :cheesy:
Well you ARE a "character". :superfunny:
Gemme
07-16-2010, 09:03 PM
Well you ARE a "character". :superfunny:
Thanks!!!! :cheesy:
Bo's just jealous, 'Licious.... :D
Gemme
07-16-2010, 09:10 PM
Bo's just jealous, 'Licious.... :D
Of course he is. We're the most divine creatures on this Earth....we're GIRLS! :eyebat:
See?????? :D
I cannot wait to do The Retail Therapy with The GemmieLicious. <sigh>
Gemme
07-16-2010, 09:16 PM
See?????? :D
I cannot wait to do The Retail Therapy with The GemmieLicious. <sigh>
It's art in motion. :blink:
:stillheart:
It's art in motion. :blink:
:stillheart:
I need a tissue.
Or..........
......a glass of wine.
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