Prince Charming? Pfft!

[fuzzypinkego]

Do you ever wonder if that perfect relationship exists? I was in love once, really in love, in a good healthy adult relationship, for about 2 years, that ended in 2007, and for the most part, I've been single since. We were engaged and I loved her and we were planning a life together, when out of the blue, she started to change, low and behold, I caught her cheating. She was an amazing blue print for what I want in a partner and in life (until she lost her damn mind) and I've been pretty much single ever since. I've done plenty of dating, even had some short lived romances here and there, but for almost the last 3 years, I have yet to find anyone that comes close to what I'm looking for.

Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm far too picky, but I start dating someone and it doesn't take long for me to realize they aren't my "butch in shining armor." I waded through the local dating pool and have outsourced on occasion, and only once did I fall again, boy was I wrong about that one.

People tell me I'm only 25 but hello! I'm 25! I'm about 3 years off track from my grand plan. I was supposed to be happily married with a big prego belly by now. Don't get me wrong, I've changed my plan and I love the direction my life is going now, I'm back in school, following my passion and excelling and I have started my own freelance business, but I'm still looking for my prince and I just keep kissing frogs.

How hard is it to find someone who is compatable with me? Or maybe I've just had soo many wonderful experiences that I can't settle for anything short of breathtaking? So how do I find it??

[sweetfemme247]

I wonder the same thing, I have been in 5relationships and im 23.

[amiyesiam]

there is no such thing as perfect

no one else can complete you

no one else is responsible for saving you or being "your butch in shining armor"

relationships are work

if she cheated it was never perfect (unless she actually developed an illness, which is common in the late teens early twenties)

If you are not happy alone you will not be happy with someone

if you depend on someone else to make you happy you will probably suck the life out of them

you will never find some one who is "perfect for you" or perfect

passion and lust will get you through the first few years

complatability and commitment will get you through a life time

ya this took 2 minutes
47 and knew this stuff at 25

[Soft*Silver]

the problem with seeking a knight in shining armour or a Prince Charming, is that they only appear when you need rescued. And once you are no longer needy, they depart, for in them runs the blood of a rescuer.

Its ok to be picky. In fact, I advise you not to settle. In any way. 90% of your life sorrow will come from chosing the wrong mate.

The way that you find love is by empowering yourself. It will become your finest feature and will add beauty beyond the norm. They will look at you and be attracted to your fire. Stop looking for the magic outside of yourself, and start to seek and develop it inside of yourself. When that happens, aint no sinner gonna dupe you...

good luck in your journey...


Do you ever wonder if that perfect relationship exists? I was in love once, really in love, in a good healthy adult relationship, for about 2 years, that ended in 2007, and for the most part, I've been single since. We were engaged and I loved her and we were planning a life together, when out of the blue, she started to change, low and behold, I caught her cheating. She was an amazing blue print for what I want in a partner and in life (until she lost her damn mind) and I've been pretty much single ever since. I've done plenty of dating, even had some short lived romances here and there, but for almost the last 3 years, I have yet to find anyone that comes close to what I'm looking for.

Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm far too picky, but I start dating someone and it doesn't take long for me to realize they aren't my "butch in shining armor." I waded through the local dating pool and have outsourced on occasion, and only once did I fall again, boy was I wrong about that one.

People tell me I'm only 25 but hello! I'm 25! I'm about 3 years off track from my grand plan. I was supposed to be happily married with a big prego belly by now. Don't get me wrong, I've changed my plan and I love the direction my life is going now, I'm back in school, following my passion and excelling and I have started my own freelance business, but I'm still looking for my prince and I just keep kissing frogs.

How hard is it to find someone who is compatable with me? Or maybe I've just had soo many wonderful experiences that I can't settle for anything short of breathtaking? So how do I find it??

[fuzzypinkego]

there is no such thing as perfect

no one else can complete you

no one else is responsible for saving you or being "your butch in shining armor"

relationships are work

if she cheated it was never perfect (unless she actually developed an illness, which is common in the late teens early twenties)

If you are not happy alone you will not be happy with someone

if you depend on someone else to make you happy you will probably suck the life out of them

you will never find some one who is "perfect for you" or perfect

passion and lust will get you through the first few years

complatability and commitment will get you through a life time

ya this took 2 minutes
47 and knew this stuff at 25


Ouch. Well that was harsh.

I don't need someone to complete me, just someone who's personality compliments my personality.
I don't need someone to save me, but I do appreciate chivalry.
I'm well aware that relationships are work, trust me.
I never said she was perfect, I said she was a blueprint, she taught me a lot about what I want in a relationship, in a partner, and from my future.
I love myself and I'm perfectly content being alone, I actually prefer being alone than being with the wrong person, I'm just looking for the right person.
I don't expect to find someone who is "perfect" but I think someone can be "perfect for me," even in their imperfections.
Who ways I have to sacrifice passion for complatability and commitment? Who says I can't have all 3?

[fuzzypinkego]

the problem with seeking a knight in shining armour or a Prince Charming, is that they only appear when you need rescued. And once you are no longer needy, they depart, for in them runs the blood of a rescuer.

Its ok to be picky. In fact, I advise you not to settle. In any way. 90% of your life sorrow will come from chosing the wrong mate.

The way that you find love is by empowering yourself. It will become your finest feature and will add beauty beyond the norm. They will look at you and be attracted to your fire. Stop looking for the magic outside of yourself, and start to seek and develop it inside of yourself. When that happens, aint no sinner gonna dupe you...

good luck in your journey...


You have quite the flair for words. I'm an artist, I'm spontaneous and passionate, I have quite the fire and I attract a lot of people to it. But I'm looking for the butterfly, not the moths. And moths are all I find. I joke with my friends that I'm a Damsel semi-distressed. God knows I can't fix a tire and have no idea what to do if I blow a fuse but my life? I've got that handled.

Yeah, the boi's with the hero complexes tend to bounce when I don't need constant saving, I think that's part of why my ex and I fell apart, sadly.

[amiyesiam]

Ouch. Well that was harsh.

I don't need someone to complete me, just someone who's personality compliments my personality.
I don't need someone to save me, but I do appreciate chivalry.
I'm well aware that relationships are work, trust me.
I never said she was perfect, I said she was a blueprint, she taught me a lot about what I want in a relationship, in a partner, and from my future.
I love myself and I'm perfectly content being alone, I actually prefer being alone than being with the wrong person, I'm just looking for the right person.
I don't expect to find someone who is "perfect" but I think someone can be "perfect for me," even in their imperfections.
Who ways I have to sacrifice passion for complatability and commitment? Who says I can't have all 3?


It was not meant to be harsh, I am rarely harsh. I am however, realistic.
Your above comments, seem to be to be much more realistic than those in your original post. (that is my view and again not trying to be harsh) Also, you started your post with: "Do you ever wonder if that perfect relationship exists?"
I am not trying to argue with you just clarify.
I did not say sacifice passion for compatability and commitment. However I have a adult daughter and if you want long term commitment and a child, passion often does not die, there simply is not as much time for it. At that point the 2 c's is what gets people through everyday life till they have time for passion.

I truly hope you find everything you are looking for

[Odarlin]

perfect moments exist. :unicorn:

[amiyesiam]

perfect moments exist. :unicorn:


on that point I must say that I completely agree. And those moments are priceless.

[fuzzypinkego]

perfect moments exist. :unicorn:


Oh yes, yes they do!

[Soft*Silver]

perfect moments are like orgasms. If I wait for someone else to give them to me, I am shifting the responsibility to the wrong person. I can share them with someone else but by god, you betcha I am not going to wait around for the magic to come from someone else...

[Hack]

I'm not going to give you relationship advice. I am not qualified to do that.

However, let me just share this thought, for what it is worth.

Scrap the grand plan.

In my view, life cannot be planned. Life happens. You can't plan it. You can't schedule it. You just have to deal with how it comes at you. In my opinion, having a grand plan just continually sets you up for disappointment. Live in the moment, or at least try to.

Jake

[sweetfemme247]

Im learning to let love come to me, im letting them chase me for once

[fuzzypinkego]

I'm not going to give you relationship advice. I am not qualified to do that.

However, let me just share this thought, for what it is worth.

Scrap the grand plan.

In my view, life cannot be planned. Life happens. You can't plan it. You can't schedule it. You just have to deal with how it comes at you. In my opinion, having a grand plan just continually sets you up for disappointment. Live in the moment, or at least try to.

Jake

This is great advice that I probabaly won't take, although I promise to try! I've always been a planner, I don't know how to not be a planner.

[Casanova]

Sometimes we all go thru this and sometimes we don't.
But however their is no such thing as a prince charming or fairy tales....
There is something known as a person that loves u unconditionally and that is a rare one...
It takes alot of time...
And it takes alot of tryn but u have to be willing to unconditionally love yourself also...
That is what most ppl can't do

[Hack]

This is great advice that I probabaly won't take, although I promise to try! I've always been a planner, I don't know how to not be a planner.

LOL

Fair enough. I think, though, you will reach a place in your life when you realize the plan is not grand nor important.

As I have aged, I have learned a few things, especially in the last few years. Life is, in general, an unpredictable mess, a journey during which sometimes your luggage is lost. Forgiveness is an art, and forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do. The only thing I ever hope to walk away with -- from anything -- is my self-respect and maybe a lesson learned. And saying three little words -- "I am sorry" is a lot harder to say for most people than "I love you."

Ok, now it sounds like I am pontificating. I don't mean to. I am just speaking from the "me" place.

Jake

[fuzzypinkego]

LOL

Fair enough. I think, though, you will reach a place in your life when you realize the plan is not grand nor important.

As I have aged, I have learned a few things, especially in the last few years. Life is, in general, an unpredictable mess, a journey during which sometimes your luggage is lost. Forgiveness is an art, and forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do. The only thing I ever hope to walk away with -- from anything -- is my self-respect and maybe a lesson learned. And saying three little words -- "I am sorry" is a lot harder to say for most people than "I love you."

Ok, now it sounds like I am pontificating. I don't mean to. I am just speaking from the "me" place.

Jake

Well I appreciate your "me" place!

[Selenay]

I've kissed a few princes, and I've kissed a few frogs. . . From that, I've learned a few things.

First? Sometimes the princes aren't so charming. Sometimes they're crude and crass, sometimes they're frustrating and stubborn. Sometimes those princes start off charming and are just plain mean.

Sometimes the princes don't know any more about what that round thingy in the toilet is than I do, sometimes they can make a mean souffle. Sometimes those princes are royal pain in the asses.

Sometimes they can fix your car, sometimes they drive it into the mailbox a few times.

Sometimes that prince turns out to be a toad, and sometimes that toad you've been pouring your heart out to is the shiniest prince of them all.


But me?

I don't want the princes, 'cause I've found that the knights in rusty armor are more my speed.

[Liquefaction]

The most important thing I have learned is you can not make anything happen. The more you push/try to make something happen, the harder it is to achieve.

[Isadora]

Prince Charming of Disney vein does not exist, therefore it is impossible to find. Humans tend to be full of contradictions, inconsistencies and are highly changeable. We are complex beings.

Goals are wonderful. Without them I would never have gotten my education, my career and live somewhere I love. I hope you have an adventurous journey and amiyesiam has a point in that it is your journey. Everyone else involved with it are travel companions. Some more intimate than others.

Personally, I believe more and more in fate. I really have no other explanation of how life can ummm re-arrange our goals. It just happens. Mostly cause we have no control over the feelings, choices and actions of others. We can ruminate, extol the virtues of life planning but truly the only thing you control is your own choices. I set goals and completed them but in that process I learned that life dances us into amazing places. I went from convent to leather and corsets. I went from virgin to sexually adventureous. Who woulda known?

So never ever give up hope for what you seek. I have more than I ever dreamed of having in my life. I am sure you will have the same!

[Lusciousblondefemme]

LOL

Fair enough. I think, though, you will reach a place in your life when you realize the plan is not grand nor important.

As I have aged, I have learned a few things, especially in the last few years. Life is, in general, an unpredictable mess, a journey during which sometimes your luggage is lost. Forgiveness is an art, and forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do. The only thing I ever hope to walk away with -- from anything -- is my self-respect and maybe a lesson learned. And saying three little words -- "I am sorry" is a lot harder to say for most people than "I love you."

Ok, now it sounds like I am pontificating. I don't mean to. I am just speaking from the "me" place.

Jake

I'm not going to give you relationship advice. I am not qualified to do that.

However, let me just share this thought, for what it is worth.

Scrap the grand plan.

In my view, life cannot be planned. Life happens. You can't plan it. You can't schedule it. You just have to deal with how it comes at you. In my opinion, having a grand plan just continually sets you up for disappointment. Live in the moment, or at least try to.

Jake


I think that your advice is wonderful. I absolutely agree with you that life can not be planned out. You can not predetermine the path that life will take you. Every door opens up another challenge that you do not know about prior to it.

I also agree with you about "I am sorry" being harder to say than "I love you" I think that people tend to throw the I love you around too easily.


As for the topic of the thread.. I think that once you stop looking it will find you .. Love is not something you are supposed to hunt for ... It is something that is supposed to find you when you least expect it...

Just remember that until you truly love yourself and are happy with yourself, you can not know what love and happiness are with someone else.

[sweetfemme247]

Thank you for this, I am now for once starting to know that my age and my size makes me who i am and I am beautiful and smart and anyone would be lucky to be with me.

[weatherboi]

Please don't take this personal!!! My experince reading your post is that you have set an unrealistic expectation for any person to meet. Honestly life is too short to try and meet such demanding criteria. Maybe the problem is having a blueprint...it causes tunnel vision and the good stuff passes by and gets missed. I am not trying to be a jerk but maybe it is you...maybe you should evaluate the dating choices you are making for yourself and make some kind of change in that tactic. "butch in shining armor" rings kinda ooggey to me because that mentality is well misogynistic when i hear people talking that way. Hope this makes sense!!!

Do you ever wonder if that perfect relationship exists? I was in love once, really in love, in a good healthy adult relationship, for about 2 years, that ended in 2007, and for the most part, I've been single since. We were engaged and I loved her and we were planning a life together, when out of the blue, she started to change, low and behold, I caught her cheating. She was an amazing blue print for what I want in a partner and in life (until she lost her damn mind) and I've been pretty much single ever since. I've done plenty of dating, even had some short lived romances here and there, but for almost the last 3 years, I have yet to find anyone that comes close to what I'm looking for.

Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm far too picky, but I start dating someone and it doesn't take long for me to realize they aren't my "butch in shining armor." I waded through the local dating pool and have outsourced on occasion, and only once did I fall again, boy was I wrong about that one.

People tell me I'm only 25 but hello! I'm 25! I'm about 3 years off track from my grand plan. I was supposed to be happily married with a big prego belly by now. Don't get me wrong, I've changed my plan and I love the direction my life is going now, I'm back in school, following my passion and excelling and I have started my own freelance business, but I'm still looking for my prince and I just keep kissing frogs.

How hard is it to find someone who is compatable with me? Or maybe I've just had soo many wonderful experiences that I can't settle for anything short of breathtaking? So how do I find it??

[bigbutchmistie]

I absolutely agree with Hack... I have stopped "looking" and "planning" and will say that Im just living my life. If it happens great if it doesnt Im ok with that too. I love me and am enjoying and living my life.. I have a great career, great friends, and am settled. I am happy with my life. I dont need someone to complete me or make me happy. I have reached that point by myself. The only thing that someone coming into my life would do now is enhance it... Good luck Fuzzy :)

[adorable]

Prince charming is boring. ((YAWN)) I prefer finding someone who is completely wrong for me, nothing of what I want, emotionally unavailable and fixing them up. No one ever seems to appreciate that level of dedication though.

My expectations are outrageous and the only thing more ridiculous is my proven track record of poor choices. And this is after years of therapy and hard work. What I knew at 25 was that I was better off alone. lol. I forgot that until this last year. Then I got caught up in whatever the current trend was - I tend do the same thing with handbags - and I just have to have one. They just look so cute on your arm....sure they're expensive, but everyone else has one!

People are human. If you find someone who can make you laugh ~ really laugh. Someone who accepts you with all your flaws and who shares your values, I really think that is enough. It seems like it should be.

I am not hard to please, but do seem to be impossible to understand. I have serious commitment issues too - I don't expect perfection in them - I do expect it of myself. Then live in fear I will be discovered - they will realize I'm not perfect - so why bother? Or worse, they already know so they are going to leave any minute - I watch for signs, can't take the suspense and jump ship before they push me off.
(Did ya'll see the leap there? Therein lies a problem with my thinking....lol.)

I DO believe that there is someone for everyone else. So all the rest of you have a good shot. Just stay away from me. Unless you are hung up on your ex, stuck in an abusive relationship, a serial cheater, compulsive liar or abusive.......in that case you should call me so I can get that sorted out for you.

[Allison W]

I don't want the princes, 'cause I've found that the knights in rusty armor are more my speed.

I had to un-lurk just to say that is a kinda hot mental image, but now, I have to ask what it means!

As far as my views on rescuers... There are, admittedly, a lot of times I wouldn't mind a rescuer, myself. (And I'm a bit of a fuck-up, so who knows--I might even end up keeping them interested.)

[Write14u]

My one tiny contribution would be to say this:

It's amazing how our idea of what we want changes as we grow older. I know what I'm looking for in life is far different than what it was when I was 25. So you have to really be able to adapt within the general guidelines of what you want out of life. Nothing wrong with planning things out, but sometimes an outline is better than a full-on report.

[Selenay]

I had to un-lurk just to say that is a kinda hot mental image, but now, I have to ask what it means!


It means that people with experience, the ones who have been through the battle and come out on the other side, with dented, rusty armor that I like. I don't like princes who sit up in their towers looking down, I like the people out there fighting the dragons, defending the whole kingdom.

Yes, they might come home a little singed, but if you don't swing your sword, you're never going to get the princess to kiss your boo-boos.

[fuzzypinkego]

I'm not looking for the social ideal of perfection, I'm looking for my perfect. Someone who is a little jealous and stuborn, someone who can make me see when I'm in the wrong, who is a bit stoic and can ground me when my fantasies threaten to carry me away. Someone who laughs with me, even at me, someone who can laugha themselves. Someone educated and intelligent, someone strong willed and passionate, someone just crazy enough to humor me. Someone with goals and who wants the same things out of life and family that I do. I never thought it was so hard to find that person.

[fuzzypinkego]

It means that people with experience, the ones who have been through the battle and come out on the other side, with dented, rusty armor that I like. I don't like princes who sit up in their towers looking down, I like the people out there fighting the dragons, defending the whole kingdom.

Yes, they might come home a little singed, but if you don't swing your sword, you're never going to get the princess to kiss your boo-boos.

I love it!!

[Allison W]

It means that people with experience, the ones who have been through the battle and come out on the other side, with dented, rusty armor that I like. I don't like princes who sit up in their towers looking down, I like the people out there fighting the dragons, defending the whole kingdom.

Yes, they might come home a little singed, but if you don't swing your sword, you're never going to get the princess to kiss your boo-boos.

Ooh la la. Protectors excite me.

[Bit]

Fuzzy, why do you have to have the prince before you have the baby? If it seems like life is getting on without you--that's how that part of your post read to me--then maybe it would be worthwhile to explore whether you are okay being a single mom, and if you are, just going for it; because yanno, there is no guarantee that even your perfect partner will actually be able to stay in a relationship with you for the child's whole life. People come apart all the time, even those who believe they are soul-mates and those who believe they are perfect for each other.

I personally believe that making the decision to become a parent should be something a mother does by herself, for herself if she isn't already in a relationship... what I mean by that is that I believe a woman should only decide to get pregnant if she believes she is willing and capable of raising a child to adulthood by herself, of accepting sole responsibility for that child's life and financial support, and of acknowledging that anyone else who acts as a parent can never hold the ultimate responsibility--because when you come right down to it, she is the only one who can decide to get pregnant, yanno?

So what I believe is that it's your body and your life, and if a child belongs in it, if you are committed to being a mother, then why wait for a partner?

About finding someone who is compatible, it helps a lot to understand personality types. Once you learn to understand the different ways people process information and make decisions, you can also understand what goes wrong in so many relationships... it really IS communication more often than not.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp)

[fuzzypinkego]

Fuzzy, why do you have to have the prince before you have the baby? If it seems like life is getting on without you--that's how that part of your post read to me--then maybe it would be worthwhile to explore whether you are okay being a single mom, and if you are, just going for it; because yanno, there is no guarantee that even your perfect partner will actually be able to stay in a relationship with you for the child's whole life. People come apart all the time, even those who believe they are soul-mates and those who believe they are perfect for each other.

I personally believe that making the decision to become a parent should be something a mother does by herself, for herself if she isn't already in a relationship... what I mean by that is that I believe a woman should only decide to get pregnant if she believes she is willing and capable of raising a child to adulthood by herself, of accepting sole responsibility for that child's life and financial support, and of acknowledging that anyone else who acts as a parent can never hold the ultimate responsibility--because when you come right down to it, she is the only one who can decide to get pregnant, yanno?

So what I believe is that it's your body and your life, and if a child belongs in it, if you are committed to being a mother, then why wait for a partner?

About finding someone who is compatible, it helps a lot to understand personality types. Once you learn to understand the different ways people process information and make decisions, you can also understand what goes wrong in so many relationships... it really IS communication more often than not.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp)

I guess I'm a bit old fashioned but I really want to be married before I have a child. I want to be the semi-stay-at-home-mom. My mom raised me at home and I want to do the same for my children.

As far as the personalities go, I;m an ENFP, The Idealist Champion, rare and only found in 2-3% of the population.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Do you ever wonder if that perfect relationship exists? I was in love once, really in love, in a good healthy adult relationship, for about 2 years, that ended in 2007, and for the most part, I've been single since. We were engaged and I loved her and we were planning a life together, when out of the blue, she started to change, low and behold, I caught her cheating. She was an amazing blue print for what I want in a partner and in life (until she lost her damn mind) and I've been pretty much single ever since. I've done plenty of dating, even had some short lived romances here and there, but for almost the last 3 years, I have yet to find anyone that comes close to what I'm looking for.

Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm far too picky, but I start dating someone and it doesn't take long for me to realize they aren't my "butch in shining armor." I waded through the local dating pool and have outsourced on occasion, and only once did I fall again, boy was I wrong about that one.

People tell me I'm only 25 but hello! I'm 25! I'm about 3 years off track from my grand plan. I was supposed to be happily married with a big prego belly by now. Don't get me wrong, I've changed my plan and I love the direction my life is going now, I'm back in school, following my passion and excelling and I have started my own freelance business, but I'm still looking for my prince and I just keep kissing frogs.

How hard is it to find someone who is compatable with me? Or maybe I've just had soo many wonderful experiences that I can't settle for anything short of breathtaking? So how do I find it??

It me took until I was 38. I'm personally glad it took this long. I obviously wasn't as ready for it as I thought I was ten years ago. My own problems got in the way of many relationships. oddly enough, I always thought the other person had "problems with intimacy" - and many did. But I hadn't realised just how much of it was me.

there's no time limit on how long it will take. Mine didn't show up till I was truely ok with being single for the rest of my life.

[Allison W]

About finding someone who is compatible, it helps a lot to understand personality types. Once you learn to understand the different ways people process information and make decisions, you can also understand what goes wrong in so many relationships... it really IS communication more often than not.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp)

Hrm. According to the dating-and-mating guides, I have a problem. I'm attracted to physical power/protectiveness and courage (characteristic of Artisans), decisive judgment (apparently Artisans are not Js), a lack of strong displays of emotion (characteristic of Rationals), reliable authoritarianism in the relationship (potentially characteristic of Guardians and conspicuously not of Artisans or Rationals), and an appreciation of defined, divided roles (Guardians again).

Perhaps I need a Guardian (masculine manifestation) with an Artisan (masculine manifestation) multiclass.

[Gemme]

Life is like my job. At my job, I have set procedures and tasks that must be completed at varying intervals. However, there are tons of widgets (aka customers) that get tossed into the mix. They can help me complete my tasks and procedures or they can be demanding, whiny babies and take more from me than I would really rather give.

You can have that outline that was mentioned earlier. That's your tasks...your day to day procedures and the things you need to do to live YOUR life and keep it going in a forward motion. The people that come into your life (whether they are potential partners are not) are going to affect how you carry yourself through life and what you do. You'll grow, change your mind about a thousand times, and eventually settle into yourself.

I think it's good to have a mental list of the traits you like in a partner. I think it's also healthy to have a mental list of the traits you do NOT like in a partner as well as what things are absolute deal breakers. That will help guide you but the rest is only partially up to you, whether you believe in a higher power or the power of destiny and the Fates. You get to choose the path you walk, but the path will end where it will end, no matter of how you got there.

A lot of folks have said pretty much all that I really wanted to say to you. More than anything, I guess I'd say BREATHE. It feels to me as if you want to rush, rush, rush and get things done, as if you have a checkoff list for your life. That's a stroke or heart attack waiting to happen. :blink:

[NJFemmie]

When I was in my early 20's - I had a master plan. By the time I hit my 30's, I started to realize that this plan may never come to fruition. I'm in my 40's now - and - it never happened. I wanted marriage and I wanted kids, but I wanted the 'right' person to have them with. I gave myself a time limit - and time taught me a valuable lesson. I wasted too much time relying on someone other than myself to make my life happen - and, sometimes the things you want are not the things you need.

Thankfully, I have no regrets. As I look back I realize, I'm actually glad things happened the way they did, and am thankful things turned out differently.

Point is - master plans don't always work. Sometimes, it best when they don't.

:)

[Butterbean]

One thing I've completely figured out about relationships is that I'm just not willing to share my Cherry Toaster Strudel. It is hidden behind the bag of broccolli for good reason.


Some things should be respected.


http://www.momsneedtoknow.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Toaster-Strudel.jpg

[always2late]

Fuzzy, why do you have to have the prince before you have the baby? If it seems like life is getting on without you--that's how that part of your post read to me--then maybe it would be worthwhile to explore whether you are okay being a single mom, and if you are, just going for it; because yanno, there is no guarantee that even your perfect partner will actually be able to stay in a relationship with you for the child's whole life. People come apart all the time, even those who believe they are soul-mates and those who believe they are perfect for each other.

I personally believe that making the decision to become a parent should be something a mother does by herself, for herself if she isn't already in a relationship... what I mean by that is that I believe a woman should only decide to get pregnant if she believes she is willing and capable of raising a child to adulthood by herself, of accepting sole responsibility for that child's life and financial support, and of acknowledging that anyone else who acts as a parent can never hold the ultimate responsibility--because when you come right down to it, she is the only one who can decide to get pregnant, yanno?

So what I believe is that it's your body and your life, and if a child belongs in it, if you are committed to being a mother, then why wait for a partner?

About finding someone who is compatible, it helps a lot to understand personality types. Once you learn to understand the different ways people process information and make decisions, you can also understand what goes wrong in so many relationships... it really IS communication more often than not.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp)

While I agree that a child can be had by a single parent, and that the only real decision about bearing a child comes from the woman actually bearing it....once the bearing is done, it is so much easier to RAISE a child with a partner! I am a single mom, I work full time and go to school. I am thankful that my son's father will watch him for me so I can do those other things, but when I come home, and its just me alone....well...it gets hard sometimes (more so when my son was an infant). I'm not saying it can't be done...or that its not worth every second...its just easier when there are two parents.

[PinkieLee]

Hey there Fuzzy...

Well, it looks like you have already gotten some really great advice and words of wisdom from your community here.

Like you, in my mind, I lived the picture perfect vision of a relationship... for 7 years. Was it a fairytale romance... many would say yes. We were often referred to as a "pedestal couple". But guess what, life throws you curveballs when you least expect it. In any relationship, you either grow together or you grow apart. If I were to sit and dwell on the end of my marriage (as many people expected me to do), I would have never truly found myself. As humans, we have a tendancy to romanticize the past. So, if we stay stuck in the mindset from a past relationship, we will never be able to move on.

I also believe that you don't have just one soul mate... you have different soul mates for different times in your life. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I understand you having a "blueprint" in your mind about the character traits of any potential partner you might have. That's never a bad idea... but you must keep updating that "blueprint". As humans, we are all hopefully growing & evolving, so some things that you want at 25 might not seem as important at 37.

As for having children... that is a big decision to make and should never be taken lightly. Just remember, just because you have children with someone, doesn't mean that the relationship is gonna last forever. Just like marriage isn't the end all to be all... yeah, I've been there, done that and sold the ring.

Best of luck to you.

[Apocalipstic]

Who I was and what I wanted at 25 and who I am and what I want/need now at 46 are two opposite things.

Kick back, let life happen and enjoy then ride.

My biggest advice is make really great friends along the way, and don't burn your bridges. Some of my very best friends now are exes.

[weatherboi]

"pedestal couple" this is a first i have ever heard of this term....i mean i guess i am asking...do we label relationships now too??? what is the criteria to become a "pedestal couple"?? just curious


Hey there Fuzzy...

Well, it looks like you have already gotten some really great advice and words of wisdom from your community here.

Like you, in my mind, I lived the picture perfect vision of a relationship... for 7 years. Was it a fairytale romance... many would say yes. We were often referred to as a "pedestal couple". But guess what, life throws you curveballs when you least expect it. In any relationship, you either grow together or you grow apart. If I were to sit and dwell on the end of my marriage (as many people expected me to do), I would have never truly found myself. As humans, we have a tendancy to romanticize the past. So, if we stay stuck in the mindset from a past relationship, we will never be able to move on.

I also believe that you don't have just one soul mate... you have different soul mates for different times in your life. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I understand you having a "blueprint" in your mind about the character traits of any potential partner you might have. That's never a bad idea... but you must keep updating that "blueprint". As humans, we are all hopefully growing & evolving, so some things that you want at 25 might not seem as important at 37.

As for having children... that is a big decision to make and should never be taken lightly. Just remember, just because you have children with someone, doesn't mean that the relationship is gonna last forever. Just like marriage isn't the end all to be all... yeah, I've been there, done that and sold the ring.

Best of luck to you.

[PinkieLee]

"pedestal couple" this is a first i have ever heard of this term....i mean i guess i am asking...do we label relationships now too??? what is the criteria to become a "pedestal couple"?? just curious

"Pedestal couple" was something that some of our local friends called us. I guess, in their minds, we were one of the couples that people just always assumed would always be together forever. We did the whole wedding thing, baby thing and never had a single fight in the entire 7 years. But like everyone else, they seemed to forget that we were also human.

NO, relationships are not meant to be labeled.

[weatherboi]

:) Thanks for the clarification!!! Ya know my mind wonders what extra kind of pressure that added to your relationship and if you were aware of it at the time or not till after? *totally get if you don't want to answer* For me it would add extra pressure!!!!!



"Pedestal couple" was something that some of our local friends called us. I guess, in their minds, we were one of the couples that people just always assumed would always be together forever. We did the whole wedding thing, baby thing and never had a single fight in the entire 7 years. But like everyone else, they seemed to forget that we were also human.

NO, relationships are not meant to be labeled.

[PinkieLee]

:) Thanks for the clarification!!! Ya know my mind wonders what extra kind of pressure that added to your relationship and if you were aware of it at the time or not till after? *totally get if you don't want to answer* For me it would add extra pressure!!!!!

Not a problem my friend...

I think that many long term couples feel the added pressure. When hearing about a breakup, many of us are guilty of saying "OMG, we thought y'all would be together forever".

[cinderella]

I made my 67th birthday this past December. I've been gay & femme since I was 19. Have I had alot of relationships? Uh, yep. Have they all 'worked'? Nope. Some were very short-term, others a tad longer. My last ltr was about 8 years ago. We were together for 12 years, but should have thrown in the towel after the 3rd year - we stayed together for all the wrong reasons.

I have been single since then, with the rare date, or cyberspace 'romance' every once in a great while. I've only been truly in love once, when I was 28. It was a chaotic and stormy affair - we had little in common except we were both Latin, tempermental, stubborn, and had the 'my way or the highway' mentality. It was a lustful relationship, and I think sex was just about the only thing we had in common, or the only times we were not fighting. And yet, in spite of the fireworks, or because of them, she was the love of my life - and still is.

I have spent a lifetime trying to replicate those emotions - the passion, desire, and yes, the lust. Never happened again, and at this stage of my life, it's unlikely it will happen again.

What's the moral of the story?...stop looking for what's 'perfect for you' - it prob doesn't exist. That said, however, you are very young. And at the risk of sounding 'cliche-ish' and old-fashioned, you have your whole life ahead of you, and most likely that prince in shinning armor is still at large, but will find you. Work on you now. Become your highest potential, reach your goals and dreams. I'll bet anything that while you're concentrating on you, Mr. Right will be getting closer and closer. The rascal will pop his head into your life when you least expect it, and catch you completely by surprise.

The one important advise I do have, is don't become bitter and disallusioned like some people (me)...I wish you the very best in life - you will find what you are looking for - it may just take awhile, but don't settle just because you're lonely, whatever you do. It's such a waste of precious time. Trust me, I know this from experience.

Sometimes we all go thru this and sometimes we don't.
But however their is no such thing as a prince charming or fairy tales....
There is something known as a person that loves u unconditionally and that is a rare one...
It takes alot of time...
And it takes alot of tryn but u have to be willing to unconditionally love yourself also...
That is what most ppl can't do

[Bit]

I guess I'm a bit old fashioned but I really want to be married before I have a child. I want to be the semi-stay-at-home-mom. My mom raised me at home and I want to do the same for my children.

As far as the personalities go, I;m an ENFP, The Idealist Champion, rare and only found in 2-3% of the population.

I would say that if you find another ENFP--or an INFP--who also wants children and wants to be the breadwinner, then go for it.... but I will also say that if you get romantically interested in anyone right now, it will pay you to do the personality survey with them. If you are like most NFP people, you may be strongly drawn to NTJ people... and there lies heartbreak beyond measure unless you can both come to communicate easily. It is true that opposites attract. It is NOT true that opposites speak the same language.

Hrm. According to the dating-and-mating guides, I have a problem. I'm attracted to physical power/protectiveness and courage (characteristic of Artisans), decisive judgment (apparently Artisans are not Js), a lack of strong displays of emotion (characteristic of Rationals), reliable authoritarianism in the relationship (potentially characteristic of Guardians and conspicuously not of Artisans or Rationals), and an appreciation of defined, divided roles (Guardians again).

Perhaps I need a Guardian (masculine manifestation) with an Artisan (masculine manifestation) multiclass.

I confess, Allison, I don't pay attention to the names of the personality types. I can't remember them easily. *sheepish smile* For me, I have a simple rule--if you are an FP person, look for another FP person; if you are a TJ person, look for another TJ person. The differences between E/I and S/N are not as great as the differences betwen FP and TJ.

In a nutshell, TJs tend to be linear, logical, dayplanner, on-time-is-late type people and FPs tend to be flexible, spontaneous, change-my-mind-in-midstream, deadlines-were-made-to-broken type people. The two have to really work hard at understanding each other--and at not driving each other up the wall.

Btw, from what you described about your preferences, I would think you are looking for someone whose personality type is INTJ.

[Dude]

Which I would have listened way back in 1984.:crap:

YouTube- 80's Dance Music | Ride The White Horse | Laid Back


:cowboihorse:

[weatherboi]

I am generally speaking not specifically about one persons experince. Ohhhh and thinking of my own past experience. *i just realized i have been misspelling experience for a long time*

I have never had anybody say that to me after a breakup. I am not sure how that would make me feel. My first relationship was 7 years. My point to keep coming back is something in my mind tells me this form of thinking could be part of a social cycle that should be recognized and broken. Emotionally "keeping up with the joneses", so to speak, with prince charmings, rings, marriages, and babies. I am just thinking and typing.:scared:


Not a problem my friend...

I think that many long term couples feel the added pressure. When hearing about a breakup, many of us are guilty of saying "OMG, we thought y'all would be together forever".

[PinkieLee]

I am generally speaking not specifically about one persons experince. Ohhhh and thinking of my own past experience. *i just realized i have been misspelling experience for a long time*

I have never had anybody say that to me after a breakup. I am not sure how that would make me feel. My first relationship was 7 years. My point to keep coming back is something in my mind tells me this form of thinking could be part of a social cycle that should be recognized and broken. Emotionally "keeping up with the joneses", so to speak, with prince charmings, rings, marriages, and babies. I am just thinking and typing.:scared:

You are totally right... and that's why some people still play into the fantasy of the fairytale, and feel as though only prince charming or pretty princess will do. Truth be told, no one person is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect and the social pressure we put on relationships needs to be recognized.

No couple is invisible... I don't care who you are or how long you've been together. We are human, with faults & flaws. It's all about how well you work together without forgetting how strong you are in your own individualities.

[adorable]

You are totally right... and that's why some people still play into the fantasy of the fairytale, and feel as though only prince charming or pretty princess will do. Truth be told, no one person is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect and the social pressure we put on relationships needs to be recognized.

No couple is invisible... I don't care who you are or how long you've been together. We are human, with faults & flaws. It's all about how well you work together without forgetting how strong you are in your own individualities.

You are so very, very right.

[Corkey]

Yep it's a nice fairy tale. Thing is life happens while one plans for the future. Butches aren't Princes, and they sure aren't frogs, and to associate Butches as such is just offensive to me. Not all Butches are going to be compatible with you, so you date....a lot, have fun stay safe, and go about living your life authentically. In time you will grow, mature and find that the fantasy is just that, a fantasy. I know most girls are taught that growing up the marriage, baby, white picket fence fairy tale, and you too can have this.....life doesn't work like that, not anymore. In the 40's and 50's perhaps, but not any more. Get your life the way you want it, experience the world, have fun, date and try to relax, the Butch is out there, but s/he won't show up till you have your ducks lined up and are just fine with being you, with or without a partner.
I wish you well and have fun.

[Lusciousblondefemme]

Prince Charming, Kissing a Frog, Knight on a White horse...

Those are all fictional characters that society has given to people to make them believe that anything is possible.

Love is like a river .. sometimes in flows slow and trickles over the rocks and its soothing at other times it runs fast and damages everything in its path..
but in the end the river is still the river and does not go anywhere but down the same path it always takes.. It has a direction in life that is determined for the rest of eternity.

Guess what life is not like that though .. Love yes can be that river have you have an idea of how you want that love to go .. and what path you want that love to take .. but unfortunately Everybody has their own love path ....
So it makes it hard to find that perfect person to share that love with...

My grandmother always told me never hunt for love ... let love hunt for you .. If you are worthy of being loved it will find you at your lowest point or highest point. Just do not be too selfish, let it into your heart and show you all the wonderful things that there are in store for you.

When i want to be with someone I do not look for a specific type of person .. I just have a few ground rules and those being honesty, integrity, unconditional love for me and my children and trust and respect.
Other than that you can like fishing and I may like 4wheeling .. its the differences between two people that allow us to grow into more well rounded people. If you only like people who are interested in the same things you are then how do you know if you might like fishing ..

Prince Charming and The knight on a white horse can stay in fairytale land for me ..I want someone who is real who has their own thoughts and ideals and who is willing to work as hard at the relationship as i am.

Love will find you when you least expect it, you might be walking down the street and someone bumps into you, or maybe you walk past that person everyday and your time to meet them just isnt right now.

Live life as if there will be no tomorrow
Love as if you have never loved before and
Dance as if no one is watching ...

I have had one true love in my life and I let her walk away from me. No questions asked no runnign after her.. I just watched as she walked away .. My theory was that if she didnt know how much she meant to me than Nothing I could say or do would ever change that .. If by chance we are meant to be together then life will direct us both back to each other .. But that does not stop me from living everyday to the fullest.

I feel blessed to have had a chance to love someone with not only my heart but my soul.

[NJFemmie]

Hrm. According to the dating-and-mating guides, I have a problem. I'm attracted to physical power/protectiveness and courage (characteristic of Artisans), decisive judgment (apparently Artisans are not Js), a lack of strong displays of emotion (characteristic of Rationals), reliable authoritarianism in the relationship (potentially characteristic of Guardians and conspicuously not of Artisans or Rationals), and an appreciation of defined, divided roles (Guardians again).

Perhaps I need a Guardian (masculine manifestation) with an Artisan (masculine manifestation) multiclass.


:twitch:

How about simply going on a date and seeing if things "click".

Just a suggestion .... :)

[Hack]

I just gotta say, I think this thread is a thing of beauty. A young woman put a thought out there that she is pondering and people responded in a thoughtful, positive, supportive, non-condescending way. How refreshing. Truly. :)


Jake...who loves it when people share their life experiences and wisdom in an open, honest way.

[FeminineAllure]

I would like to share a few quotes here to think on but first I must say...
If you have a mental list of what you can not live with out...They must be smart for example, very attractive, want to have children soon etc... etc... etc...Make sure you have the same things to offer a potential partner. Become what you are looking for in someone else.

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Tom Robbins quotes

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with”
Gillian Anderson quotes

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
Leo F. Buscaglia

[Princess4u]

OK OK I know my screen name may indicate otherwise..and yes I want to find my prince....but not as in the fairytale...I want my own storybook ending....I think we all want similar things from life and from our partner....and I want to emphasize....PARTNER....because that is what it is all about...sharing, compromise...coming together and forming a life where you feel you are loved and safe from the big bad world....my prince should he ever find me...LOL...should respect me as much as I do him...we work together and not have expectations of what the other should do....do I think all femmes should cook and clean...hell no...do I think all butches or transppl should do the yardwork and take out the trashs....hell no...I think it should be done by both...and I dont mean merrily skipping down the driveway holding hands carrying the trashbag...I mean when it needs to be done...do it...sometimes we get so wrapped up in gender identity..that ppl can sometimes feel lost and not be the PERSON they are....I feel I would be blessed to find my "prince" as much as he would feel blessed to find his "princess in me"...because together we can overcome most anything...i dont know if this makes any sense...perhpas too many breathing treatments going to my head right now LOL>..I love this thread thank you for making it...:bellydancer:

[Blade]

Prince Charming, Kissing a Frog, Knight on a White horse...

Those are all fictional characters that society has given to people to make them believe that anything is possible.

Love is like a river .. sometimes in flows slow and trickles over the rocks and its soothing at other times it runs fast and damages everything in its path..
but in the end the river is still the river and does not go anywhere but down the same path it always takes.. It has a direction in life that is determined for the rest of eternity.

Guess what life is not like that though .. Love yes can be that river have you have an idea of how you want that love to go .. and what path you want that love to take .. but unfortunately Everybody has their own love path ....
So it makes it hard to find that perfect person to share that love with...

My grandmother always told me never hunt for love ... let love hunt for you .. If you are worthy of being loved it will find you at your lowest point or highest point. Just do not be too selfish, let it into your heart and show you all the wonderful things that there are in store for you.

When i want to be with someone I do not look for a specific type of person .. I just have a few ground rules and those being honesty, integrity, unconditional love for me and my children and trust and respect.
Other than that you can like fishing and I may like 4wheeling .. its the differences between two people that allow us to grow into more well rounded people. If you only like people who are interested in the same things you are then how do you know if you might like fishing ..

Prince Charming and The knight on a white horse can stay in fairytale land for me ..I want someone who is real who has their own thoughts and ideals and who is willing to work as hard at the relationship as i am.

Love will find you when you least expect it, you might be walking down the street and someone bumps into you, or maybe you walk past that person everyday and your time to meet them just isnt right now.

Live life as if there will be no tomorrow
Love as if you have never loved before and
Dance as if no one is watching ...

I have had one true love in my life and I let her walk away from me. No questions asked no runnign after her.. I just watched as she walked away .. My theory was that if she didnt know how much she meant to me than Nothing I could say or do would ever change that .. If by chance we are meant to be together then life will direct us both back to each other .. But that does not stop me from living everyday to the fullest.

I feel blessed to have had a chance to love someone with not only my heart but my soul.

AMAZING POST

[Princess4u]

I would like to share a few quotes here to think on but first I must say...
If you have a mental list of what you can not live with out...They must be smart for example, very attractive, want to have children soon etc... etc... etc...Make sure you have the same things to offer a potential partner. Become what you are looking for in someone else.

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Tom Robbins quotes

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with”
Gillian Anderson quotes

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
Leo F. Buscaglia

how very true....its funny how some ppl femme and butch alike..expect a certain package deal...but they dont have what they expect from someone else...I like that BE what you are looking for.....friendship is important...they already love you for YOU...faults and all....

[Allison W]

:twitch:

How about simply going on a date and seeing if things "click".

Just a suggestion .... :)

Even though I consistently get typed as a feeler (which, I suppose, should say something about how much these personality metrics actually matter), I know enough to understand that my short-term impulses rarely have anything to do with what will make me happy in the long run, and I don't want to get into junk relationships just because I'm lonely and can't control my emotions.

I would say that if you find another ENFP--or an INFP--who also wants children and wants to be the breadwinner, then go for it.... but I will also say that if you get romantically interested in anyone right now, it will pay you to do the personality survey with them. If you are like most NFP people, you may be strongly drawn to NTJ people... and there lies heartbreak beyond measure unless you can both come to communicate easily. It is true that opposites attract. It is NOT true that opposites speak the same language.

For all the things it does get right, the personality survey is also seriously flawed, and is based on notions of what action = what motive and "this trait, therefore that trait" associations that don't necessarily hold true. In my case, I've occasionally been placed as a J because I like orderliness and structure, but the problem is that I don't like them because I like to be decisive (which is the assumption); I like them because they free me from having to make decisions.


I confess, Allison, I don't pay attention to the names of the personality types. I can't remember them easily. *sheepish smile* For me, I have a simple rule--if you are an FP person, look for another FP person; if you are a TJ person, look for another TJ person. The differences between E/I and S/N are not as great as the differences betwen FP and TJ.

In a nutshell, TJs tend to be linear, logical, dayplanner, on-time-is-late type people and FPs tend to be flexible, spontaneous, change-my-mind-in-midstream, deadlines-were-made-to-broken type people. The two have to really work hard at understanding each other--and at not driving each other up the wall.

Btw, from what you described about your preferences, I would think you are looking for someone whose personality type is INTJ.

Guardian = SJ, Artisan = SP, Idealist = NF (my type, though I go against the grain in many places), Rational = NT. While I'm an INFP, you're right that I like Js; both of the serious relationships I had I ended because my partner wouldn't make decisions and left them to me, resulting in my deciding to walk. I, however, would say I'd lean not towards NTJs but STJs (if with the physical focus of the SP), which would put them in the Guardian category (necessarily masculine manifestation, given the way Guardians allegedly vary the most in behaviour depending upon gender role compared to the other types), not the Rational category. I don't want someone who's no better at controlling their emotions or making decisions than I am. That is the subject of my worst nightmares.

[Bit]

I guess it depends on how you take the test, Allison. You might already know this, but I probably should have mentioned it for everyone. People are supposed to blaze through it, yanno? It's most accurate when you don't think about it, when you just go quickly through and say, this fits better, that fits better, this fits better, etc.

The type inventory isn't meant to assign motives, btw; it's meant to discover how one processes information and makes decisions. It isn't a matter so much what a person likes as what a person sustains... I myself like being organized--LOVE being organized--but I cannot sustain it; I have to work at orderliness and it really IS work for me, because my brain just isn't wired to sustain it; I have other strengths instead.

To the more personal part of your post, I can understand completely the nightmare of being with someone who can never make a decision. I've been there, and it wasn't easy.

What strikes me is that you mention twice "uncontrolled emotions" and I'm not sure I understand that. Most people I know who are NFPs are pretty happy with their emotional life and don't seem to have problems with control, unless they are letting other people define their emotions as wrong or bad somehow... and also, most people I know who are NFPs don't have a lot of trouble making decisions unless they have unrealistic expectations of themselves--you know, that need to be perfect and get it absolutely right so you never make a mistake? But that plagues people of all personality types, I think, not just NFPs.

Anyhow, I'm just sharing my thoughts and I hope you don't feel like I'm putting you on the spot; I don't mean to. I figure you know yourself and you know what you're looking for. *soft smile*

[Allison W]

I guess it depends on how you take the test, Allison. You might already know this, but I probably should have mentioned it for everyone. People are supposed to blaze through it, yanno? It's most accurate when you don't think about it, when you just go quickly through and say, this fits better, that fits better, this fits better, etc.

The type inventory isn't meant to assign motives, btw; it's meant to discover how one processes information and makes decisions. It isn't a matter so much what a person likes as what a person sustains... I myself like being organized--LOVE being organized--but I cannot sustain it; I have to work at orderliness and it really IS work for me, because my brain just isn't wired to sustain it; I have other strengths instead.

To the more personal part of your post, I can understand completely the nightmare of being with someone who can never make a decision. I've been there, and it wasn't easy.

What strikes me is that you mention twice "uncontrolled emotions" and I'm not sure I understand that. Most people I know who are NFPs are pretty happy with their emotional life and don't seem to have problems with control, unless they are letting other people define their emotions as wrong or bad somehow... and also, most people I know who are NFPs don't have a lot of trouble making decisions unless they have unrealistic expectations of themselves--you know, that need to be perfect and get it absolutely right so you never make a mistake? But that plagues people of all personality types, I think, not just NFPs.

Anyhow, I'm just sharing my thoughts and I hope you don't feel like I'm putting you on the spot; I don't mean to. I figure you know yourself and you know what you're looking for. *soft smile*

I can't blaze through it. The problem is that it asks many questions for which I honestly have absolutely nothing to say off the top of my head. That, and so many of them are meaningless without context, like asking if you want a fork or a spoon without specifying what you're eating. It may as well be gibberish; I'd rather have a paper test where I can scribble in "I don't have an answer for this question; no, it's not that I don't want to say the answer I'm thinking; I have no opinion, and I'm not making one up for you." And no, I don't make decisions well; very trivial decisions paralyze me on a regular basis.

As far as emotions go, I'm very poor at controlling mine. I also consider feelings a fast track to making short-sighted, terrible decisions. Many descriptions I've heard of the thinking vs. feeling axis, however, have absolutely nothing to do with how a person makes decisions and only what they decide, which is a question of values, not rationality vs. emotionality.

The more I think about it, the more I want to finish my accountancy two-year, because bookkeeping is one of the few situations I've found in which I can stop intuiting, stop feeling, and stop needing to make decisions; it has a very zen quality to it.

[Bit]

It sounds like that's just not the right kind of tool for you then, Allison. That would be really frustrating to be unable to relate to so many of the questions! A few of them leave me saying "eh, next please!" but never very many, so it works pretty well for me. Maybe there is something out there that would work better for you.


About the emotions and decisions, coming out of an abusive childhood left me woefully inadequate at understanding and dealing with my own. I found a lot of help in therapy--which I really needed because of the abuse!--but even more help in assertiveness training classes. Then I was lucky enough to find a workbook that had a really helpful decision-making module. That was 1983; as far as I can remember it was called Choices for Women, but I cannot find it anymore. I remember they had a scenario with Cinderella dumping the lazy Prince and opening a shoe store with the Fairy Godmother, lol... (oh my gosh, a web search on that title mostly brings up abortion clinics today!)


Anyhow, since I cannot find it, I found a web site about decision making. I like this one very much, and this quote about the decision not being judged by the outcome is the same kind of quote that set me free in the Choices workbook. Good decisions that result in bad outcomes should thus not be cause for guilt or recrimination. If you decide to take the scenic route based on what you know of the road (reasonably safe, not heavily traveled) and your preferences (minimal risk, prefer scenery over early arrival), then your decision is a good one, even though you might happen to get in an accident, or have a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. It is not justified to say, "Well, this was a bad decision."http://www.virtualsalt.com/crebook5.htm

I think that applies as much to the decisions we might make about choosing partners as it does to anything else, yanno? If we approach a potential partner with our eyes open and knowing what we both need and want in a partner, and they seem to be a perfect fit, if it doesn't work out down the road it isn't that we made a bad decision--we just had the equivalent of a car accident or flat tire. *some of mine were train wrecks, oy!*

I've been thinking about it while I was reading the decision making website, and something occurs to me. Do you think you might be a Highly Sensitive Person? Some of what you describe seems to fit that. Here's a link to learn more. http://www.hsperson.com/

[fuzzypinkego]

I just gotta say, I think this thread is a thing of beauty. A young woman put a thought out there that she is pondering and people responded in a thoughtful, positive, supportive, non-condescending way. How refreshing. Truly. :)


Jake...who loves it when people share their life experiences and wisdom in an open, honest way.

I know! I appreciate everyone so much. My life isn't easy, but it's mine and I love it. I love my art, my career, my passions, my friends and my family... it's just that sometimes I wish I had that special person to share it with.

[Legendryder]

I have been single for 6 years now, and haven't even dated anyone in that time. I just can't see doing that right now, I do not have the time to put into the work it takes to make a relationship function. I am a full time student, and a small business owner, so my days are full to the brim with things that are important to me. I really can't say I have missed anything. And besides, I have Bob. With Bob around, you just can't help but be in a good mood.

[NJFemmie]

Even though I consistently get typed as a feeler (which, I suppose, should say something about how much these personality metrics actually matter), I know enough to understand that my short-term impulses rarely have anything to do with what will make me happy in the long run, and I don't want to get into junk relationships just because I'm lonely and can't control my emotions.

Guardian = SJ, Artisan = SP, Idealist = NF (my type, though I go against the grain in many places), Rational = NT. While I'm an INFP, you're right that I like Js; both of the serious relationships I had I ended because my partner wouldn't make decisions and left them to me, resulting in my deciding to walk. I, however, would say I'd lean not towards NTJs but STJs (if with the physical focus of the SP), which would put them in the Guardian category (necessarily masculine manifestation, given the way Guardians allegedly vary the most in behaviour depending upon gender role compared to the other types), not the Rational category. I don't want someone who's no better at controlling their emotions or making decisions than I am. That is the subject of my worst nightmares.

You are over analyzing, and I must add - far too much.
But hey, whatever works for you.

:) Peace out.

[adorable]

I read this article in Ebony a while back. It really covers everything pretty well without over complicating things. It's the top ten ways to tell if he's the one ~ but it's a pretty universal list ~ I think it works for everyone in any direction.

This is the link to the article:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_6_60/ai_n13503193/?tag=content;col1

[Allison W]

You are over analyzing, and I must add - far too much.
But hey, whatever works for you.

:) Peace out.

Analysis is my blessing. It's what keeps me from making the horrible decisions that my parents made before me (and that others around me continue to make, for that matter). Without it, I'd have nothing.

So yes, "over-analyzing" does work for me. It has yet to let me down. Fleeting emotions lead me to make bad decisions often--sometimes catastrophically.