July 8


Tooth Fairies and Super Heroes


I never know who the tooth fairy is going to be. Who might be the one person who will know CPR in my hour of need. Which unlikely friend will whisper to me the secret code to my mental lock. I have been caught off guard by the power of the most unlikely wallflowers. It is important for me not to prejudge, but even more important to leave space for surprise and the delightful aptitude of those around me and for that matter from strangers on the street. Also, it is good for me to remember there is change in my pocket and a resuscitation certificate in my wallet.




Repattern the impressions made on you

*
FAR OFF PLACES

Meetings too near home are unsatisfying to me.
On smooth simple days, local meetings are fine,
I catch a meeting, just slip it in.
On rough days I yearn for an out of town meeting.

After these many 24’s I come to realize I need the ride
As much as I need the meeting.
Like a discontented baby,
I need more that just a trip around the block.

The comfort of taking flight in my car
Is equaled by arriving at some far off AA meeting
Fresh faces and a new take on old woes
Are an antidote to my colicky attitude.

The drive back offers a sense of triumphant homecoming
A good meeting can be had anywhere
Sometimes I just need a change of place
Or a change of pace.

July 9




Night Clothes and Bed Clothes


Is there any indulgence quite like that of clean sleepwear warm from the laundry? Pulling on jammies over squeaky clean skin and the little shutter that goes with tired hedonism is a pleasure without formed words, left for grateful sounds and little moans. Hard work creates more than stability, more than cash flow and more than mere exhaustion, hard work changes my mind about delight and allows me to see it in the most obvious, most subtle of places. My bed has become haven, hospital, refuge and I am tucked up in my nest and safely out of my mind.



Tidy around your messy emotions


*

THE WATER YOU DRINK

Anyone who has to be drug to water
Doesn’t deserve a drink. said my sponsor
What about raising the bottom? I question.

I’m not talking about that
I am discussing people you try to convince into recovery
The folks you try to accommodate
.
The ones you attempt to bend reality for
These are the type who will piss in your well
Let me be clear--------

I am not concerned with individuals who piss in the pool
Which is rude and disgusting
But basically not life threatening
.
When your well is defiled
When the place you draw your drinking water from
Is used as a chamber pot--- your life is at risk.

Don’t ever pull your pants down
Over someone’s fresh water
Don’t let anyone squat with their bare ass over your sobriety

July 10


Special


Is it the wiring between my ears, the size of the pump in my chest? The difference which can be seen when you look from me to the neighbors? I know that you feel me to be special. I feel me to be special, too, just like you. Defining that thing, that combination which unlocks the mundane is more than just an attempt to point a finger, it’s a search for that little light. Close and closer we pull together and that is special but now I will whisper it, tell you the secret truth is my ability to play. Come play with me!




Whistle with the tune the wind brings you

*






IT’S MY PARTY

The party I was throwing myself in addiction
Was nothing but a very long wake.
There were no smiles, only murmurs of what might have been.
I was filled with tears I couldn’t cry
And mourned my death as I caused it.

When I took off my little black dress
And stepped from this shroud
I closed the bar, clicked the switch and the dirge stopped.
The funeral ended prematurely
I walked into AA where I learned to be the life of the party.

July 11

Let God Do What?


I hesitate to let go to G-d because I fear that G-d doesn’t like me, or likes me now, but doesn’t like me all the time. I think I got this belief from being the only child of parents who don’t like children. It never mattered how good I was, how smart or thoughtful, well informed, helpful, I always ended up being treated like I was a burden, someone to be endured. If only I was likeable, I would think to myself and try recreating me to become….what? Finally I settled on indispensable, if I could make myself necessary, then my life would be okay. People would need me therefore they would want me. What I discovered is that people who can’t live without me end up resenting me. By the time I was so important to others I was no longer important to me, so I didn’t need G-d’s help because I didn’t need anything, I didn’t exist. Over time what I have settled on are a few truths: People who don’t like kids shouldn’t have them. And I need G-d’s help to learn how to want to be here on this planet since I was not brought to earth by people who wanted me.



Title your dreams
*

SYMPTOMATIC BOUQUET

My bouquet of symptoms took root in alcoholism
I displayed these blossoms to few.
I thought I could keep these problem posies to myself.

No need to worry
Everyone has a bit of manure in their lives.
Mine hardly seem strange.

Planted in addiction things grew in a dramatic way
Pruning became unworkable,
Drastic measures were required.

Uprooted and exposed these virulent stalks
Created the need for help from better gardeners than I.
Thinned and repotted these character traits
Have fruited many a lovely harvest.

None of which could have happened
Had I been left in the family plot.

July 12



A Year for Me



The world is my mollusk and I am its pennyweight paragon, witty girl that I am. I have spent enough time surrounded by wet feet and confining shells, all held at the bottom of the sea. This is a year for me. I am going to climb over the rim of my briny brink and try myself against the fearsome winds of chance. Although souse is buoyant I feel strong enough to stand my ground. Time has come for life, open and raw, but I shall leave the clams to the casino.







Allow ticklish issues to make you laugh

*


HOLD THE LINE

Relax is not the same as give up.
Unwind is not fray.
Letting go doesn’t mean never grab hold.

It is important to have moderation in all things
Including moderation, exuberance and enthusiasm,
These are wonderful in their season
Too much and I could get an adrenaline addiction.

Make sure your song has more than one note
And make sure you sing more than one song in your life.
Change, interest and excitement are vital to my existence

If you take all the spikes and ridges
Out of your life line
It means you’re Dead.

July 13



Old Nasty


My addiction is like a Percheron, bigger and more powerful than I am, but what I have learned is that if I treat this horse with due respect and a guiding hand from my recovery and my Higher Power I can harness the energy of my illness and use its’ force to make my life work. I can never be the master of alcoholism, but I can see it for what it is; an overgrown instinct looking for an outlet. When I am given my way out I take this beast with me and when I value that partnership we are both safe. When I have tried to lock it in a stall and run far from the barn, it kicks my life down. When I put my head in the yoke willingly, together we are lead and we do the work which is fulfilling and rich. I was meant to work in a team, I am grateful to have a teammate.




Close your eyes and look at yourself
*




QUICK-------SAND !!!!!!

Don’t ask how deep the quicksand is. Said my sponsor.
It’s your job to get out of it--not quantify it.
I’m not sure how to get out.
Will you come and get me. I ask her?

No Darling, if I get in we will both be down for the count
The only chance we have for me to help you
Is if I stay out of the morass
With my feet firmly on solid ground.

What if you can’t get me out. I cry?
I will go get more help.
What if all of AA can’t get me out?

Angel, my hope is, that if there was no way out
You wouldn’t even know you were stuck.

July 14


Wales



It is safe for the houses to sleep in the streets, but not for me. I cannot follow that which is so right and regular for mundane things. I am a jagged piece and it is hard for me to find my place.

The sun comes though everyone’s windows and peeks around the blinds left down. I must mind my manners and not be a nuisance or a bother; draw no undue attention to my brightness carry a basket to hide it in.

And while every river can drown its sorrows in the rush of the downhill sweep to the sea. I must stand here stock cold sober and bear the pain appointed to me.



Curl your fingers into the tangles of life and hang on

*



WAKE

Don’t worry that you might spoil the procession
By getting out of your coffin.
You don’t need to lie there waiting for the lid to close.

People will walk past saying ---so sad---too bad
But don’t lie instate just to keep them from feeling
Their trip was a waste.

Just because the crypt has been purchased
Doesn’t mean you’re ready to go.
There are still opportunities to dance.

Don’t die for love, glory or pride.
Don’t die before your time.
Death is only an honor
If you lived every preceding second.

July 15


Sympathetic Strings


A guitar with 28 strings generates much sympathy from the cords which were not strummed. Pluck is contagious and inspires much harmony and verve in the vicinity in which it shows face. Sympathetic strings vibrate in response to the jangling around them but are tuned to their own notes. Much distortion adds to the depth of the sound created by this throng. Can you hear my life? How a disturbance in my life rings in the lives which surround me? How I twitch and chime when things are twanged in the lives of my neighbors, my friends, my kin. We make the music of care, the discord of reaction. To every move there is a sound, to every sympathy a harmony.





Surprise yourself with the light in your own eyes

*




THE LIVING DREAM

Throwing yourself into the river in pieces
Drowns you as crumbs.
Casting aside love and longing makes you less
In your heart and your soul stops beating.

Pitching your tent with critics and complainers
Leaves you out in the cold on warm summer evenings.
Crest the hill to meet the rising sun
Orbit the constellations without hesitation.

Petit point the pictures in your mind
Then set them to music.
The world is your dream
Live it into reality.

hi all
 

Hi all. I'm new to bfp, still finding my way around. I'm a friend of Lois, not Bill though. Is there a different thread for that, or is it ok if i hang out here a bit?

Deeperstill,

I couldn't find a thread for friends of Lois, but you could start one if you wanted to have a thread just for Alanon members. You are always welcome here, whenever you wish and for as long as you wish. Glad you're here. Hope you have a great night!

Sherrie

Thanks LWF.
 

:bunchflowers:

July 16



Rounder



Back again, yes, that I see, but change is not the same as return. What I know of you is your past. I believe the past because I know it. If there is a new you to meet that remains to be seen. Even a chameleon sheds its skin, though I doubt its intrinsic nature is altered much in the process. So flash your smile and wind your words into the thoughts of those with whom you have no history. I’ve been exposed before, the virus doesn’t conquer me, I am immune. Once bitten makes me wary when you come around again.






Pick a color and let it find you all day

*
TO SLOOP

When I was a tanker- I carried such a heavy load.
The diesel cycle ran at regular intervals
And my internal temperature was terrific.
The fuel sprayed and things went round and round
The cost was high.

Now my principal means of propulsion
Is the wind in my sails.
Conversion was difficult
Though I found the rigging and mast a fascination
The ballast was a heavy load to bear.

Cargo is something short lived
To be cast off at the next port.
Incumbent discretion is welded to my keel
And will go with me to every harbor.

As a tankard, liquid was transported or consumed.
As a cutter, dependability keeps me tacking into the wind.
Now my outlay is low and my rewards are high
I carry only what I need, I am free, a sloop upon the sea.

July 17



Horse Play


The sequestered equestrian rides alone through the night; the wood is as quiet as she. Passing no one; speaking not a word, she slips into the paddock without a nicker or a neigh. I long to be just as she, not silent sentinel, but living a whist fleet life, a power unto myself. What stands between are my hurt feelings and my longing to be loved. I can’t blame myself for either, but work to heal and grow. Nagging need is a pestilence I will be well rid of; the irredeemable past is luggage for a catalog, not for hauling on my back. I will mount up and ride my great round stead, the night is mine when I am ready the path is there I know.





Imagine an ostrich in flight


*
GRAFT

The bottom has been cut out
My underpinnings stripped from me..
Budding ambition whittled down, transplanted,
Saddled onto the rock like stock of other peoples sobriety.
Taped to the leg of my sponsor I heal and grow.

I splice my thinking with the rich ideas of improved living
I cling to the cleft, divisions made from the people,
Places and things of my past leave me split,
Primed for fresh growth and opportunity.

Never again do I need return to the sordid
Acquisition of power or control
There is no gain when I am bolted to position and influence
Graft is graft for good or bad
I don’t have to grow where I was planted.

July 18


Cicatrix and Love



The mark left by injury is indelible though it may heal, the consequence remains. This is also true of love. I am branded and changed by your affection. The improvement wrought in me does not leave when you do. If you stop loving me, can you no longer remember my name, my face, my sigh; I am better for having had your love if only for a short time. Good medicine offers lasting results; the miracle of your love is my health. The blush in my cheek, the revitalization I feel is traceable to you, to the days you held me in your heart and the nights you held me in your arms. And though I want you back in my world the best of you lives on in my life.



Slice time with your thoughts and peer through the pieces

*



JUXTAPOSITION

Right next to this world is the globe that I came from.
The landmarks are similar but these spheres have little in common
The angle of refraction illuminates the place of my origin
The source of this light is legend.

On my home planet, the existence of sobriety is cast off as myth.
I held onto this tale with my heart.
I slipped the gravitational bonds of crazy one night
By the glow of the ready button on the coffee pot.

Here and there intersect at only one point
A room with some chairs and a circle with a triangle.
The meeting was on step one
And it was a good place to jump in.

as I was pulling up the incredible amount of weeds that popped up since my back problem and the trip to the ER, it dawned on me that I was carrying a load of resentments. So as I pulled the weeds out, I was working on my resentment..how? By praying for the people I resent. I dont want to add fuel to the fire by adding madness and hurt to the problems, nor do I want my soil to fester with it either. Afterwards, as sweat rolled off me I watered everything a damn good drench to wash away the lingering and nourish the good I put in there..and in me...[/

Weeding can be wonderful
 

Wow softness. Thank you for the post. It makes sense, and is a great visual. i think I need to weed tomorrow. :byebye:

my ex. she is my friend and my former beloved. she is deep deep in denial and i swear it is breaking my heart. every time i think she has come to that place of understanding/that place where she finally sees, she says or does something to remind me that in fact she does not see. it comes in waves, this pain and anger and frustration and need to save her. i must not intervene again. this is my mantra for today.

I believe that powerlessness is often the biggest thing in the world, or at least it feels that way to me some-days.........good luck with letting go. It's a great gift when you can give it.

July 19



Rings of Color against Butterflies



Resistance I can accomplish directly; impedance requires magnetism from an alternating world. I can drag my heels and live life in a sandpaper shack making everything a chore, but what it takes to throw furniture in the path of progress, slamming doors and turning off the lights that is more than I can do on my own. This takes the cooperation of my disease and me, the monkey-hoop, which is effort and clever repartee. Look how well we do it, too. Distracting possibilities, staving off humanity and the humane, may not sound like much, but it takes up our whole day; goodness is such a persistent little grub. It takes a concerted effort to prevent it from chrysalis and failing that, still more determination to make sure it doesn’t fly.




Listen to music the way you walk through a garden

*


2 CHAIRS

Math is the language which moves
Closest to the speed of my brain.
The language of recovery slows my thinking
So I am more than numbers and clicks.

I need not race my mind in an effort to win.
I am my prize.
The victory is mine if I can embrace who I am.

I can use numbers to figure whether I am more or less
But owning who I am must be given
To the talk of the soul and heart.

My nashamah is not an astral projection
To be theorized but the seat of my emotions.
The only way to discover myself
Is through deep and loving conversation
So I had best pull up two chairs.

Thank you LWF. I will keep that thought uppermost in my mind tonight.(f)

words of gardening wisdom for working a 4th step
 

Today as I was sitting in my lawn chair and watering my garden, I was fussing over how many weeds I missed. Some over there..some there..one right in front of me...and you all know those weeds were symbolic of my resentments...so it was really nagging at me that I had missed so many of them...

until..I dont know what caused me to look up...but I did.

Instead of looking down, I looked up...

and saw that one of my suflowers had finally bloomed...

its not enough to just see part of your "inventory"

sometimes you need to see all of it...

or the best of it instead of the harshness of it...

if we always look in one direction, we will never see the sunflowers...

July 20


Taking the Field



Humor is an illustration; a joke an explanation. I learn far more from the smiles than the jeers. Laughter carries me; an action, which tears can’t always accomplish. It is hard to live with constant descent, but wit is a quick impassioned friend. Thoughtless conformity is an evil companion I prefer the company of those who play. Life is too hard from the sidelines; I would rather take the field.



Find a pit crew before you crash

*

DEFINITIONS

I am close to my Higher Power
But I have no words to describe It.
I have found it best to say nothing unless asked.

When I do speak it is always the path I took
Or the way I held my face.
I know the things, which changed
And the wind, which blew.

This is not the sketch most people seek.
My skin is brown and my smile broad.
This is not from over exposure to beams of light.

Closeness warms me, I glow from standing near.
I know the face and form is different for everyday
I must not stop for definitions.

July 21



Rules

There are rules about breaking rules. You can do it this way, but must not that way. Cross this line and you get dragons; cross that line you get a good natured slap on the wrist. Beneath the reflective surface of law I have found many shoals and sandbars; rocks and outcroppings, layer upon layer of blue depth I can only partly chart. I also find inquiries in this matter meet with the same reaction as asking about: yeti, crop circles, or what was kept in Uncle Author’s spare room. Those willing to talk about it I often fear to hear from and the reluctant to speak I fear to pursue. You see this investigation is just another thing from under that sea.






Look before you listen

*

MY BABIES

Too often I have abandoned the infants
Of my creativity to doorways and charities
Having little patience I did not raise them
To their intended station.

Joyful parentage need not stop
At the cutting of the cord.
Down playing the importance of each birth
I leave beauty and art to be foundlings
And the province of others.

I can share the guardianship of these precious gifts
And be more than a broodmare for cunning and craft.
I have neglected things
For the promise of each new conception.

Overpopulation weakens the body of work
And leaves my portfolio listless and immature.

First of all, Thank you all for posting in this thread.. I have been reading quietly for a couple of months now.. I have been thinking about starting a "Friends of Jimmy" thread, I'm mainly dealing with my opiate (spl) addiction.. I stopped cold turkey last friday because I didn't trust myself to go to T.J. to get some to ramp myself down. I have to say, opiate withdrawl sucks ass.. Hard.. lol

I asked a co-worker to take all my stash and booze lastnight.. She isn't in the program but cared enough to do it for me.. It still amazes me how friggin SCARED i was to let her have it all.. I've set down all my spiritual tools, but am fumbling around for them.. My body feels like crap and I'm embarressed to be in withdrawl. I will be going to some real/time meetings soon, but right now, I am having issues just getting out of bed..

Blah.. I'm going to be ok, but needed to share on a more public level and the fact that you all can't see me right now helps. Thanks.

Tony, sick addict who is getting better, ever so slowly..

Good luck TenderKnight,

Please be very careful as you withdraw, get some in person help as soon as you can and know that this thread and the people who read it are here any time.

best wishes,

Sherrie

Thank you Sherrie and softness.. As well as to the others that have contacted me privately.. Thankfully, the withdrawl isn't too severe.. Lots of loose stool and feeling like i have a crappy flu.. Been taking imodium and lots of water.. If it were worse, I would check myself in.. This isn't my first time with this.. lol. You know how we learn the tricks.

I will be calling my sponcer soon and am off saturday.. There is a pretty big speaker meeting at the Alano club down the street, will connect with some more folks there. I guess my main issue is pride and shame right now.. Hence, I'm talking about it here first.. I was over a year clean before this.. I know what I need to do, it's just hard to hand over my power.. I have been repeating the first step and have been praying for the courage to let go.. Will take time, but I know I can get there if I just take the first steps.

Thank you for being here and for your thoughts.

-Tony

Dear TK,

sending my warmest thoughts in your direction (f)

deeperstill (love the name, btw :) ), thank you for your warm wishes and thoughts.. it helps :)

softness, I don't feel like a hero, but I thank you.. lol.. You know, being a lil out of the fog has let me see just how much people do care about me.. Tonight at work, my co-worker went to the store to get me soup.. and then cooked it for me, lol. She knows how bad I've been going through it..

Wow.. I just felt grateful.. lol.. Weird, it's been a couple of months. :/

It's going to be a raw time for me coming up.. But you know, I'm glad I almost have 24 hours right now.. So much is going through my brain, and I have to admit to looking forward to meeting with my sponcer again.. He's been my sponcer for almost two years now and he is a true friend.. My shame has kept me from contacting him, other then a short call here and there.. He told me that he loved me no matter what and if I just needed a friend, without meetings or steps, I had it. I am grateful for having him in my life.

I guess I just got all kinda of bogged down with myself and *my* plans that I ignored my Higher Power's plans.. But then, maybe this is part of it too.. I don't know. (keeps expecting the timer to go off on my share, lol). In any case, I wanted some play time and thought that being "free" to do whatever i wanted was the answer.. I was actually just locking myself up into my head and my apartment. Blah..

Anyway.. I am sober tonight. First time I can say that in a few months now. It feels good, but weird.. I'm also still in withdrawl, so I'm starving but can't get much down.. :( Soups and stuff work, but the thought of solid food turns my stomach.. Crackers work if I'm slow with them. Like I said, like the flu but without the fever and cough, lol.

Thank you both again.. Your words and thoughts have and continue to help me.

In Light,
Tony

when my fog lifted, I was disappointed at first, because all I saw was the sun rising. It wasnt until later that I realized it was the first sun rise I had seen in years.My senses were so deadened I didnt appreciate the gift of a new day. To me, when I use, I am like a spoiled kid who just expects to be handed things, like a sun rise. It didnt dawn on me that even tho it rose every day, I had to take notice and appreciate it.

your fog has lifted. You have always had people around you. Now you appreciate how they care about you...

enjoy those crackers...they are god's gift to the suffering person with an addiction. Thats right....god whispered in some executive's ear and soon enough, those crackers were just waiting for you....

yes sir..thats just how it happened...:moonstars:

July 22



The Landscape of Words



Paint takes time to dry; I work with words. I say azure and you are there with me, even if I am far from this mortal coil, my pigments stay fresh as long as you know blue, as long as you can hear me, read me, see me. I paint 6X8 cell and we are imprisoned together, trapped, til I tell you of the key I slipped into your shoe. I love the flow of watercolor, adore the mushy paste of oil, but nothing beats the world we paint and repaint here on this page.




Explain why frogs don’t have wings


*

GAME PLAYING

My Higher Power doesn’t play me like a board game.
Doesn’t monopolize my time or put me in jeopardy.
My trouble is my own.

I pursue trivia at my discretion.
I take or reject risk at will.
I scrabble my thoughts and am sorry when I make mistakes
.
But don’t expect to live in a candy land.
When I stick my hand in a mouse trap
Or fall down shoots and need to climb up ladders.

I know the game may not be over
But it is far too late to play let’s make a deal.

July 23



Before Ophelia


Young women drown themselves before Shakespeare immortalized, memorialized Ophelia. But having a poster child changes us. Cautionary tale or rallying cry, Ophelia is a hand to hold on dark cold days when the light is hard to find and everything seems bent toward destruction. Not that I think she solved anything with her despondent act just that she stands in the familiar frame I find myself in from time to time. When I imagine I’ve invented the wheel it makes it harder to step down and walk. Ophelia’s fate makes it easier to get off depression’s bus and find my way back home.





Press your excuses for truth

*

TOOTH FAIRY

I slide my hand under the pillow
And am disappointed not to find a quarter.
I feel I deserve one though I didn’t leave a tooth.
I did leave my bite, I’ve toned down my bark a bit too.
It has not been easy.

I’ve spent much of my life snapping and growling
At the world around me.
I have shortened the leash on these reactive behaviors
Many I have put to bed all together.

Improved conduct is prize enough
But I surely would enjoy a winged visitor
If only just for fun.

July 24


Speak!


Are there songs a bird must not sing while communing with the flock? Do fish learn to restrain their expressions while schooling? Or are we the only animal versed in the language of taboo? I wonder when I hear the cows lowing in the night are they giving whispered voice to things they longed to moo about all day. I know what to keep inside, things too flamboyant for out of doors. I understand to keep body and soul together I must keep down and hush, but when I complain to my pup does she comprehend or is it just blah, blah, blah, in her world of speak it like it is?




If your pallet is limited broaden your ideas

*


SHARING

Please take a bite of my PB&J,
I made it myself, it is fine as it is
I slathered the bread and cut it neatly
Still I can’t help but want to offer some to you.

I know to stand and smile next to you
Watch you lick the peanut butter from the roof of your mouth
Have you dab jelly from the corner of my lips
Will make this sandwich even better.

You bring so much to this meal
Something bright and clever --you bring you.
I can pull things together and set it all up
But somehow my creation is never quite complete
Until I share it with you.

July 25


Dear G-d

I need help. I need help availing myself of the help you have provided me. I am embarrassed to lack the ability to complete all the steps necessary for achieving the goals you have set before me. I see now that it is always my turn with you and I can stop standing aside believing that I have had your attention and must now do without. I do not want to ask for more; I don’t want to seem greedy. I forget that you know my heart and that you trust me. I am going to make that a two-way street, maybe a four-lane highway. I need help, thank you for being help full.

Love,

Sherrie





The obvious is sometimes invisible

*


ACCESS

Writing to you my Sweet,
Allows me to give what I have available
At the moment it comes into my possession.

You reading lets you invite me in,
When you are ready or willing
Possibly both.

I can store succulent treasure for you
Without the least consideration of
Freezer burn or apathy.

You are here when I want you,
Yearning and prepared
I am yours for the taking

In the classroom, the bedroom
Or even in your bath
I can whisper or shout to you.

I can rant or tell jokes to you
You can embrace or ignore me
Introduce me to your friends
Or keep me your own personal province.

We are intimates
Because I bare my soul to you
And you take me into yours.

:hamactor::hamactor::hamactor::hamactor::hamactor:



Hello friends of Bill, Lois, Jimmy and many others,

We are working to put together places and times for meetings. June has offered us her suite at 10:30 AM following the 8 to 10 coffee set up there. I would like an idea of the numbers of people planning to attend meetings at the Reunion; depending on the numbers of members and time preferences, Tommi and I are more than willing to make our room available also.
Please private message me and let me know so I can give June a heads up about days and times for the schedule.

Thank you very much,

Sherrie





:byebye::byebye::byebye::byebye::byebye:

Telling on myself. Its what I was taught to do.
 

I am finding that Im in a new space of vulnerability right now. I get that it means Im at a great opportunity to grow, but it sucks at the moment.

I was in full blown HALT mode yesterday. And found that I wanted a beer after work. I did what I have been trained to do. I got on the phone. Talked to folk who get it.
Then I ate. Went to a meeting. Talked to my sponsees. Wrote to my sponsor.
Did some step work.
Rested.
Later, I went to a fair festival. I told my partner Im having a rough time, and that the beer was a trigger for me. He listened. It mattered.
I didnt drink.

But Im humbled again today. I am reminded that years dont really matter. Ive only really got today.

I chose rest over a meeting today. I did speak with several in program though. I am going to a meeting tomorrow. Im glad I have a service commitment to see through.

Im on my way to bed. Still feeling vulnerable, fragile. I broke into tears tonight when paphigleo got home, over little things. None of it felt little at that moment. And I only 2/3rds believe it was little now. But I was able to talk. Our precious program has given me the skill set to talk. It hurt to do so. But we got through it. Ive got a good partner, and he hears me out.

Im facing some body issues right now that are really messing with my head. I get that we hold stuff in our noggins till we can deal with and process it. Im glad I have friends, and a structure of support and tools to help me be present for it.

My life is damn good today, and I know it. The problems I have are pretty fancy. I do know that. Im taking a deep breath as I write it all. The problems still hurt though. Im not writing this for pity or for any response at all. Im writing cause the butch femme community has been a part of my network for years, an integral part of the sober person I am today.

On another note, we wont be able to go to the reunion because we just cant cover the travel+time from work+ and a room for just us. On one hand, Im disapointed. On the other, my fatigue makes me think resting in my own back yard may be just where Im suppose to be. I guess I really need to keep focusing on today. I just keep bouncing out.

I may go to work tomorrow with my 24 hour coin in my pocket...

Day 4 clean and sober.. I'm starting to feel alllll the aches and pains I've numbed out the last few months.. But you know, I am grateful for them. I'm grateful to be really TIRED and not just stoned or high or so friggin full of pain meds that all I can do is toss and turn and scrach my back until it bleeds or being tired and not being able to sleep because I took too many pills and am pacing my apartment.. I'm thanking God for the stabbing pain I get in my side every night toward the end of my shift.. I know that it is part of me and part of my life.

I talked with a friend in the Program today for an hour and half.. Really connected with him and it felt awesome. I am grateful for my life and being able to FEEL again.. The good stuff and the bad stuff.. It is all part of me and my life and I get to feel it again.

Meeting with my sponcer tomorrow and going to start my steps over again.. I am also going to try to catch a meeting, no.. Scratch that, i will be going to a meeting.. There is an NA round robin type meeting a block away.. I haven't been to an NA meeting in over a year.. I think that is where I need to be.

Thank you all for writing and sharing in this thread.. realtime Fellowship is vital, but this thread has been saving my ass from falling off.. Thank you.

-Tony

July 26



Keds

If I gave a child a pair of sneakers would I refuse to help them to tie them on? Would I want this kid to wear them open, tongues hanging out, laces dangling and dangerous? Or worse would I want the child to have to lug the sneakers around; the kid feeling the need to treasure the gift and protect it from use or wear? I hope that I would not be this sick, misguided or deranged. I have to say that I have given up believing in a crazy G-d but this doesn’t mean that I can’t drive G-d crazy with my insane behavior. I have to stick my feet inside my shoes and lift my foot for help and open my mouth to ask, then pay close attention so I can learn to do it on my own; all the while not beating myself up that I can’t do it already.






Treat adventure as a requirement for life



*


STUBBORN

When the donkey won’t move forward
It’s time to stop running
No need to make an ass of myself
Through force or coercion.

The dumb animal may be mute but its actions speak.
Reluctance is a warning.
If my animal nature is balking
Listening not shoving in the preferred course.

Super intelligence can’t best good horse sense.
I must stand with my intuition
That creature depends on my survival for life.

I just wanna say.. Program hugs kick ass, in the very best way.. and it was a big group and i got like 20 good, real hugs :)

So glad I went to that meeting :)