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Tony, it sounds like your neighborhood is scary. I would be terrified. I bet you tense up every time you enter your street now?
I totally get what you are saying about remaining calm though. In a crisis, I am calm and organized, then after if when I freak out and can't sleep and so forth. I have done the Nyquil thing before. I won't go into my whole situation, I don't want to trigger anyone, but I was abused as a child while living in a country which was at war with itself including a coup and martial law and my mother died under bad circumstances and we moved to the US the same week and the abuse escalated...there have been periods of abuse or trauma since then that tend to escalate my symptoms. Feb of last year my father (abuser) died and dealing with all his stuff, selling his house all that has stressed me to the max. One of the things I have always feared is the phone ringing....well, our receptionist has been layed off at work because of the economy and I am now responsible for answering then phone, and after idiotic call after even more idiotic all, I have started hitting myself in the head with the phone...In know it is insane. My therapist knows and wished I would get laid off work. I can't quit because I have been here 12 years and my G/F lost her job recently and is home going to school full time and my insurance and so forth. Sorry I am rambling, I kind of feel nauseated. |
(((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))
Wow, that does sound stressful :( There is nothing I can say or do to make it "better", but just know that you are in my thoughts. No, not really stressful to go out on the street (although, I have been making every excuse NOT to lately, except to go to work.. hmm ), and honestly, the neighborhood is pretty calm.. lol. It just seems like I am running into these events. Bah.. Again, sending you some positive energy. Dragonfly, thank you for your welcome and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) right back atcha :) Sending Light your way too, hon. -Tony |
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I hope we all calm down soon and get back to Peace and Harmony! |
Update to what happened last week. I have to appear as a witness next tuesday.. Gah.. STRESSED now.. lol
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We will be thinking about you. |
Tony, I am so very sorry about having to go to court. Crap. PTSD is a rollercoaster. I was wondering if you can go talk to someone before going to court. I think it would do you a world of good. Plus it would be of help afterwards. Do you know of any places where you can inquire about this? Jen, I am hoping you find your inner peace and strength right now. I think we all need it sooner than later. Everyone here is in my thoughts and prayers. Andrew |
Hi Everyone;
I finally have some time to post again...I have been so busy and truly I have been blessed...so why do the depression symptoms try to rear their ugly head in my life these days? I've been going thru some bad flashbacks lately, because my ex is trying to convince me that I should be with her/go back to her, all the while I am in love and happy with my hunny...it makes me feel weird and dirty but some tiny lil piece of me is happy that she wants me still. Why do I think that its happy? I think it's just an old and familiar. This relationship was extrememly dysfunctional, it was a TPE relationship without us even being a BDSM couple. I never knew I had given up total power to her. It was the worst 16 years of my life, being treated like a slave with no rights, no say...I don't tell this much because I don't like to revisit it. (It has taken the better part of 6 years to "deprogram" me from this control of hers.) I know its wrong, I know its not an option, going back to her is like taking 1000 steps backwards...and so, I am caught in this sort of auto pilot mode...I keep going thru my days, not always emotionally present and trying not to let this touch me...but it makes for a very difficult moment, then my days are delayed or not as filled because the depression, until I can overcome it and move, takes precedent. I am doing everything I can to push it off me, praying and trusting in God, calling on the holy spirit to inspire and motivate me, energize me and get me out of that place in my head and heart I am at in those moments. I don't know if this makes sense, I just needed to vent, I needed to share and I needed my friends. I hope you are all overcoming, because we all deserve better. My head and heart and life knows this. But some days, nostalgia gets me and I allow it...damn those bridges of madison county! I need to remember that it's only once a year I'm allowed to do that. My aunt is doing better, she is in a rehab facility now, my family is wonderful, and my home is all organized and clean and very comfortable. Work is taking a beating with everything I am going thru--have been doing in my personal life--but I am hoping I can get back into my stride and be productive, once again. Love and blessings to all. Shug :golf: |
I am so sorry this is happening Shug! Is there a way to distance yourself from your ex? I get being glad she still wants you, but it seems to be dragging you down? I am thinking about you and sending you happy vibes!!!!
Or maybe it's the pollen....or who knows what can set off depression. Logically things can seem so wonderful, but underneath the pain and anger simmers. Sometimes It is hard to know what will set me off. I am considering another psychiatric visit if I don't feel better. I love you guys and am so thankful we have this place to vent and share. Hugs all around! Jen |
(((((((((((Shug)))))))))))) sending you some positive thoughts and hugs.. I can relate with what you are going through, as I'm sure a lot of us on this thread can. I agree with Jen.. Is there anyway to set some bounderies or distance with the ex? I was in a simular situation a few years back.. I had an on again off again thing with this woman and it complicated my r/t relationships to no end. I loved giving my power over to this woman, even though she didn't really want it in the way I was giving it.. *shakes my head* Haven't been in contact with her for over three years and I still think about her sometimes. The head and the heart are weird things sometimes..
Wishing you the very best in this process. Andrew, yes, I am going to ask my sponcer to come with me.. He has been part of my life for over a year and I trust him with everything.. I'm very grateful to have him. I will also be looking into some therapy soon.. I know that I need it, but part of me keeps putting it off. I think that may be some depression stuff coming up. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) To everyone on this thread.. Hope today brings you a little light and warmth. -Tony |
It is natural to think abusers can change. In the years I avoided my father, there were so many times I wondered if possibly I went back things could be different this time. But they never were.
Tony, so glad to hear you will have someone with at court. Just the noise and people can be stressful ion themselves. |
Yeah.. I have real issues with crowds anyway.. I get tense and start to stress out. As long as my back is to the wall and I'm near an exit, I'm fine, but if I'm stuck there.. OMG.. crazy time in my head.. Talking myself down the whole time, lol.
I want to thank you again, Jen, for creating this thread.. it has helped me and it gives me something to look forward to in the mornings.. That may sound silly, it may not.. But it's true. Thank you. |
I am so glad to come in here and see what you all are up to too. :) It is kind of a grounding point. :) So thank you too!
I do not like crowds at all or loud noises or fussy people.....and it gets worse the older I am. |
Crowds are ok. It just depends on who is there in the crowd. You know what I mean. If it is strangers, then no. For example, I am not into going clubbing like I was when I was a teenager. I would rather watch a ball game on TV. Or grill outside on my deck, smoke a cigar, and talk with my neighbors. I am at a point in my life that I no longer take things for granite. My home is my castle type of thing. I love it. My father is my abuser. I can tell him something and he will go off on me for no reason at all. He is just a mean-spirited elderly man. His joy is ranting and raving about my mistakes in life starting when I was 5 yo. Yep. He goes back that far. When I tell people about my abuser I always say the phrase "crazy as a fox". It is the only way to describe him. He is smart, but nuts. I pity him, and pray for him. That is all that is left to do. Tony, I am glad you got your sponsor involved. Good for you! :hangloose: Apocalipstic, (f) I have no idea about switching doctors. I am not a good one to ask. You know I just have no more strength or belief in anyone in the medical community because of my past history with doctors and therapists and their betrayal of my trust. Shug, (f) I am happy to hear the news about your aunt. That is a positive step! :clap: I think we all go thru the ups and downs in life. It is a rollercoaster. And finding that even keel is just hard work. Some days it is perfect, and others it is just a struggle and fight to get to Point A, and forget about Point B. Take your vitamins, and meds, say your prayers, and go for it. At least that is what I do. :knighthorse: All the glory goes to God for keeping me alive this long. Much love and peace to everyone, Andrew, living 1 day at a time |
PTSD, oh yeah, I have it. I have a new reason to have it as well. It's a bitch that I gotta deal with and it ain't easy sometimes either. I hope all of you that have this are able to cope with better days ahead.
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Thank you all for your advice, caring and well wishes...big hugs to all of you!
My fibromyalgia is acting up and with it comes a vulnerability in the depression department, but I fight it with everything I've got. And as you all know, my everything is my father God, amen. Times like these, other symptoms crop up, but I am on it, taking a med to counteract or at least alleviate the aches and pains that comes with that and drink a lot of water and try to keep active although that is sometimes very difficult. It comes and goes, so it could last a few days, weeks or months...the last bout was 6 months ago. That lasted a few weeks. I am hoping though that now that I recognize the signs I can head this off at the pass, so to speak... When it rains it pours huh? After I wrote that last post of mine, I was able to let it go, you know, the grip it tried to have on me, the feelings I had and was going thru with the ex...it's insane really, and yet, it is and was a reality for me at one point in my life. It was the only longterm relationship I'd ever had, and it was so dysfunctional. I am very blessed to be rid of that. We have children together, but I try not to allow her to involve me, although I am not always successful. She has no control over me anymore like in the past, but sometimes there are triggers yet today, seeing it in print like that was a great eye opener(not to mention release) for me. Thank you Apocalipstic for this thread. I can soooo appreciate it today as everyday. Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you? I do. As do many others...you are indeed very special and I am very happy to count you as a friend. God bless you all--love and blessings to you all!:heartbeat: Shug |
Hi everyone,
Just checking in before the weekend. My journey into exploring and facing severe trauma began 18 months ago with the situation gaining intensity and remaining that way for the last 3 months. I'm proud to say I'm alive; I made it through what had to have been the most frightening, most difficult part of remembering my ordeal. There were continuous body flashbacks; many times I had to hold on to something and remind myself that what was happening wasn't real, but a memory. The intensity has eased up quite a bit and I'm able to sleep. But there are residual affects such feeling isolated and wanting to be that way; remorse, disbelief that I went through this, and terrible feelings of victimization for having been blindsided. I have a terrible time coping with the fact that anything at all could have happened so unforeseen and left field. I could have been killed, and to think that I had a brush with death is a lot to deal with. At the same time, I think these are painful, but normal responses. The past few weeks have been heart stopping to say the least and it took incessant prayer and what faith I have to face unconscionable fears and memories. Mine was a case of severe shock and fear, to the point that my heart chakra is so damaged it feels as though a sword has gone right through my sternum and out the back leaving and "empty space" in that area. But as I remembered and moved through the shock, I felt a sort of "fusing" as though my insides are fusing back together and that "space" is beginning to close—normal feelings in my chest are returning and the recovery process has begun. I can't speculate how long this will take. Until then, I hope you're all doing well. Jet |
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I know alot of your struggle. I pray with you and for you in your healing. God Bless You. |
Jet
Jet u have many friends hear,me for one,I wish u well in your journey..remember u r never alone.
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Just stopping by with a big hello and (((HUG)))
for everyone... My daughter has moved home from colorado..and i am happy to announce she told me yesterday that her anxiety has lessened and hasnt had any chest or throat syptoms since she has been home.... thank goodness......boy a difference a feww months makes sometimes.... wishing you all well......have a good sunday..... |
Yesterday I spent some time with my older sister. She mentioned running into someone from our old neighbourhood like 32 years ago old. We are TN now and we grew up in MD, so she ran into this person here in TN at a clinic she goes to for her medical care. So she mentions this name to me and it so happens that this person is the aunt of one of the boys who molested me. My heart stopped beating at the sound of this name...but I thought to myself that was a different time and place. Then she tells me where she ran into this person...now keep in mind my sister has no knowledge of my past nor do I want her to. So it took all I had just to keep my cool and not flip out. But I am glad to report.....no anxiety today or lastnight and no bad dreams...in the past when this abuse episode was triggered by something I not only had to deal with the psychological aspect of remembering...but the physical, does that make sense to anyone. Like my body remembered what was done to it and I feel it all over again. Crazy huh? But I was glad that i didnt have to endure any of that again..at least this time...maybe its all gone...wouldnt that be nice! Hugs and love and blessings to you all. May you have a beautiful week and find great joy and peace in your lives.:flowers:
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Disclosing past abuse, no matter the kind (physical, sexual, mental, and so on) is very personal and private. I find it rather insulting and offensive when people want others to post their personal and intimate details online. To me it is like going to work, and having co-workers wanting to have something to talk about. You just don't do it. It is the same as talking about your sex life with everyone. You just don't do it. Princess, you hold your head high. You a just a lovebug. Don't let anyone force you to do or say anything you don't want too! Remember we love you something terribly here, and I will stand up for anyone who tries to be ugly. |
One of the things that I have found over the past several weeks, is that I am finally at a place where
I'm less hesitant to feel the feelings. That is a huge stumbling block, because it feels as though you relive the event. This took weeks to get a hold of and understand. Now I think the process may be a lot quicker. It's starting to feel good to let the feel arise and then let them go. Tonight, I thought I owe it to myself to let feel and let go. This is a major step because the ordeal and feelings associated with it have been internalized and supressed for a long time. |
Body Memory
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-Tony |
Hello my friends!
I have the body memory thing too. In a huge way. Princess, I know the feeling. I am so sorry this happened. We love you and hang in there. Jet, so glad you have made a breakthrough. We are here for you! Andrew, you are a sweetie pie! Sug, I wonder how many of us have Fibro or other autoimmune "opportunities" I think they come with childhood abuse, our bodies attacking. Tender Knight and Rockin, you have such a sweet spirit! Thank you! Dells, glad your daughter is better Everyone who comes in to wish us well or hang out, thank you so much! :) |
There were times during my abuse when I remember the prayer Jesus said. It went something like this..."Ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you." Well, I also remember saying and thinking wtf? Where in the hell are you? Today, all these years later, someone reminded me that it is not our will but God's will that will be done. |
My belief in God is all tied up with the crazyness of my father. His being a missionary and evangelist preacher...so many of his actions explained by "God told me to".
He said God told him to act like he did, so many times. It has always messed with me. So Andrew, I don't know what is real and true religiously, but I do know that things happen in their own time and somehow things eventually seem to right themselves.... Except, our bodies and minds are left with the scars and the coping mechanisms we learned to deal with our individual traumas....coping mechanisms that seem all out of whack with everyday life. I wish you and everyone who posts or reads this thread a peaceful evening and a good and refreshing night of sleep tonight. (f)(f) Jen |
Jen, :hangloose: Thank you. I needed that. This afternoon was very rough. Very rough. Peace to you, Andrew |
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I didnt grow up in a religious family, I have searched in my heart for answers to my questions about God and the power of prayer. I think I do more talking to God than praying. Because in my experiences, when I have prayed, they have never been answered, when I have asked for something good, I usually was given bad, when I closed a door, I find myself alone in a black room without an exit. But yet I talk to God no asking, not praying but just talking. I have no expectations of our "conversation" other than I hope someone or something hears me because I have no one else to listen to my darkest fears and secrets. Perhaps its just my way of coping, I dont know. But I have no expectations of God or of prayer. What may be will be and I will just have to suck it up and deal with it as it comes. I dont know if that helps Andrew...its just my little way of making it minute by minute sometimes. Love and Peace to you all... Princess |
Princess4u, I also have body memories. It is horrible to have to relive the things we do. Mine have faded much through the years and the therapy but they still happen on occasion, especially, if I feel unsafe around someone. I also can have some serious reactions to smell and a few other things. Our senses are truly amazing and powerful.
It's a good thing when you are triggered like that and you didn't have a major reactions. Things do get better, no? |
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thank you all for you love and support and for understanding and most of all for making me feel less like an insignificant freak. |
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I burn Virgin Mary candles (and sage) when I am freaked out. I am not sure what I think about her as she relates to Catholicism, but for me it helps. Maybe it is being in touch with the Divine Feminine and the Earth? Or maybe it reminds me of my mother. I do know when I hear Ave Maria I always cry. Always. Prayer? I think positive thinking never hurts. No matter what form it takes. So in that sense I do think it helps. I think we have to ask for things in a "Greater Good" kind of way, and we need to be careful what we ask for. |
Just thinking...
Jen and Princess, Yes! You have to be very careful for what you ask for. The universe, God, your higher power is so willing and able to help. Sometimes in life when you least expect it, boom it happens. I believe in Karma, life cycles, and destiny. It is what it is. For me, I know I have no expections in others. That way I won't be disappointed in people. Growing up I was constantly told that I was a failure by both of my parents. I never expected to be told positive reinforcements. Never. So, when I heard one it was like :smokejoint: or :thinking: or :brainsucker:. Another example, say someone wants to cross my boundaries and read my personal emails - go ahead. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. I know who has, and who has not. I also know pretty much the "why" of it. I just think of that person as sad and I pity that person. Same category as my father (who is missing a cylinder or two). Same holds true for gossip, and the mud slinging that goes on. There is no need for it. But someone wants to have the upper hand, and be "superior". Go for it. In the end, that person has a very long fall to the ground. I have seen it happen time and time again, especially when dealing with the paranormal. Big time. Never wish for something or do something that you will one day regret. It is called the boomer-rang effect of Karma. What you do to one, you do to all type of thinking. When my father went thru my room hunting for God knows what, he never found anything. So, he thought he would "beat" it out of me. I am not sure of what this accomplished. Now, if you saw my Dad, you would see an elderly, very weak and sick man. Not someone who would be able to hurt a fly. But when you are 4-5-6-or 7 yo your father looks huge. I hope this makes sense. I feel for some reason I needed to post this. I am not too sure of why, but I just did. Andrew |
Oh Andrew, that totally makes sense, my father was the same way.
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i understand the body memory thing....
growing up i had a very abusive father until the age of nine.... when i was about 24 and had gotten my first apt.... i was sitting watching tv one evening and got a call from a strange woman that said she had someone on the other line that wanted to talk to me. After a few seconds a mans voice came on the phone......it took me only a few seconds to realize it was my real father......my body/mind reacted instantly and i just fell to the ground hanging up in the same instance..... It was like i was 8 years old all over again....fear, terror, sadness and all the feelings came rushing back......so yes i do believe that your body has the ability to react to memories.... another instance is when i was 12 i had an extremely high fever..with this fever came tunnel vision.....and to this day..when i see certain hole configurations...i get that same sick in my chest feeling as i did with that tunnel vision. i know this is not as an instense situation as some have you have been thur but i can totally relate to the body reacxting to past situations.. |
Man, I wish I could tell you what's goin on but it's personal and this really isn't the appropriate place to vent it. It's just unbelievable that this crap is happening to me and how it's wrecking my life. I cannot understand (wrap my head around it) at all why I am having to go through this. I just know that it's caused me to have new anxiety and PTSD about it now. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on my worst enemy. Please just pray that the outcome will benefit me in a good way so that I can move on with my life, and take the steps toward making a new life for myself and get my life back on track. Thank you for making this thread available for us all.
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How long have you suffered the psychiatric or emotional affects of PTSD? We've listed some of them here: Hypervigilance and scanning Elevated startle response Blunted affect, psychic numbing Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) Interruption of memory and concentration Depression Generalized anxiety Violent eruptions of rage Substance abuse Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks Insomnia Suicidal ideation Survivor guilt |
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So sorry you are having such a difficult time! I hope that things will settle down for you quickly and you can get back to peace and joy. |
Some times I am so frustrated when I can't be the kind of friend I want to be because I have to be careful of my own very fragile mental health.
I think I should give more, do more, be more. My therapist says I need to keep "should'ing" myself, but it is hard to stop. I wish everyone a safe, peaceful weekend. We are having storms, so I plan to get the basement tornado ready (candles, weather radio) this evening and spend the rest of the weekend reading and meditating. Peace! Jen |
I just wanted to come in and say hi to everyone, wishing all of My friends a wonderful weekend :)
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Yep doctor tested and approved !!
Jet, the answer to your question about being diagnosed by my doctor as having PTSD is YES. I won't go into what all the symptoms are personally for me as it's not something I wish to discuss at the moment. I am trying to limit my sharing of personal information on the internet as it has back-fired on me in the past. I do hope you and all the rest of the folks on this thread understand this. It's not a matter of embarrassment or anything as such, it's more of protection than anything for myself.
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