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Caregivers
I have decided to move mom into my house this year. I hope that it will inspire me to build her cottage on my land sooner than later. My mom turned 86 years old yesterday and is having trouble living alone. I am concerned because I don't like living with other humans but it might inspire me to build that cottage.
I am grilling steaks tonight to celebrate mom's birthday. Yummy! |
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This cottage idea sounds very cool. Can I ask, what made you decide to go that way rather than, say, a mother-in-law type suite? |
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She came out of the surgery well just super loopy. I ordered her to stay in bed. It was a long day driving accross Texas and sitting in the hospital but it will be worth it if mom gets some pain relief. The doc laughed at my joke about the general anaesthesia being disco drugs. Haha! |
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i saw my mom yesterday
it was emotional she looked better physically thank i expected (she has an odd color but i think its okay) she is worse emotionally thank i expected going to run errands for her today and see if i can get her out of her place |
mom
My mom is back to my old mom. The rather ungrateful and demanding mom. i left in tears yesterday. Not a fan of ungrateful, demanding mom. She is not as helpless as she wants me to believe. She’s enjoying her status a bit too much. She’s basically resigned herself to her recliner. She could do so much more, and is fighting for her life, but what little quality of life she could have, she doesn’t want it. i just don’t understand. Will try again today. i leave tomorrow, so i pray its a better day. |
it’s taken me a few days to even try to put an update into words.
When i got to NOLA my mom was still in her PJs late afternoon, not eating (she says she can’t eat and try to breathe at the same time), glued to her recliner and clinging on to the oxygen for dear life. She would not even open a window out of fear of breathing any pollen. The *Hospice* label put her in a tailspin. Even with all the grumbling, complaining and saying *i can’t * for even the simplest thing, i got her to go out and get her hair cleaned up. Her hair is an obsession. She was convinced she could not leave her apartment even for a haircut as the portable oxygen would run out. She is not dependent on oxygen but she was convinced she was. She said she nearly didn’t make getting a shower with the nurse as she was without her oxygen for five minutes. Of course none of this is true, but to her it is. i think what frustrates me is that she likes being afraid of everything, its her safe place. She agreed to go *try* getting a hair cut. She says she could not walk to elevator, so i pushed her in her walker to the car. (While carrying oxygen tank and her things) . The whole time she complained that she was cold and wanted to kill me for making her go out and why am i doing this to her. She says i can’t drive her walker and i am going to smash her into a wall. My heart sunk but i kept moving her.. Got her to the salon and she refused to use her oxygen and walker. i was shocked, but realized her vanity is why she won’t use these things out in the world. So she lived through a hair cut without oxygen. Then she wanted breakfast. So i got her breakfast to last a few days. Her spirit lifted. i was very happy for her. Then when we got back to her place, she again said she was going to kill me for dragging her out in the cold, but once in her place, she didn’t use the oxygen and even got on her scooter to go visit friends. She was like a new person. She told everyone who came in that i am leaving her. She has a *friend* that she pays to do every little thing for her. This woman is very dominating and my mom likes being helpless. They feed off each other. She informed me that my mom is pretty much completely helpless. i asked my mom why she wants to be treated like a baby. There was tension. She’s still doing okay, and i know there will be another episode but for now, she is holding her own. There will be good and bad days, until this is over. The bad days weigh on me as i know she suffers. i left her in much better shape than when i arrived in only 3 days. It kills me that i cannot help her more, but for my own sanity, i have to keep the physical distance. i’ll continue to contact her each morning and listen to her as much as i can. It’s the only way i can be emotionally close in any way. |
Caregivers
This weekend I drove mom to Houston to celebrate her friend's 100th birthday. I must have driven 1000 miles all weekend from picking mom up Friday to taking her home today.
The party was sweet. Mom's friend and family remembered me from about 1975. They hugged me and kissed my cheek. It was a great visit and my heart is warm. There is nothing like a southern party. :) |
March 7, 2018 6:20 pm
I have not been on this site for a long time. I had been caring for my mother. She died this past Wednesday. This is what I write that day. I have discovered in the last few days that grief certainly comes in unexpected waves. It’s been a long journey but a very good one.
What a gorgeous day it was today. The birds woke me up early and when I filled their feeders they seemed to chirp some rendition of “Ode To Joy.” The wind was strong - pushing through - as if to say it is time to let the seasons change. It’s all a cycle. A spiral 🌀. My beloved mother entered a new and glorious season earlier tonight. She stepped out of her worldly vessel and has arrived at the shore of paradise. Her body died at 6:20 pm with no pain, no suffering. Her spirit and her soul are in the galaxies tonight. She has seen the face of God and she rests tonight in his easy embrace. |
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i am so sorry about your mom i hope you find comfort in the words you shared. i am very happy to see you :stillheart: |
I had a pretty good visit with my mom this weekend. She was a little "foggy", unable to come up with the words she wanted and such, but we managed to have some good conversation nonetheless. She cooked for both of us, and I have learned to just leave her alone when she decides to cook. She can only concentrate on one thing at a time, but she did manage to make a casserole, carefully following a recipe. She did have to refer to it over and over again, but sometimes she is not able to do even this, and she gets upset and frustrated.
On the way home from her house, I stopped at my sister's. She had two useful things to share: 1) When she goes to our mom's, she shows up with food. This prevents Mom (mostly) from insisting on cooking. 2) Most importantly, my sister shared the results of my mom's most recent visit to the doctor. The doctor gave her some preliminary mental tests, and said that Mom is showing normal signs of aging and dementia. She is not showing signs of Alzheimer's, thank the Goddess. Her mother, and all of her mother's siblings (10 in all) had Alzheimer's, and she has been certain she would get it. All in all, I am pretty relieved after this weekend visit. |
Caregivers
Mom had a scary event after Easter dinner. Her heart monitor recorded that her heart stopped for 15 seconds. That is a long time. After tests and doctor visits she was cleared to go home.
I took that opportunity to ask my cousin for help. I need backup and my cousin is an RN. I feel better knowing that I am not all alone caring for mom. |
I saw my mom this weekend. We had a good visit, although my bitchy aunt was there too. I honestly believe that Bitchy Aunt tries to be nice and friendly, but really, she dusts up trouble, and says things that hurt people's feelings. Bitchy Aunt spent most of the time she was there in one of the bedrooms reading a book. (She needed to "lie down". Why visit someone if you're going to lie in their guest bed and read a book?)
Anyway, other than that, my mom and I had some good conversations. I was very happy that she seemed more upbeat than usual. We didn't have any of the all-too-often talk about going to live in a nursing home. Instead, although she did mention it was frustrating to her to not be able to think of words and try new tasks, she said that "it's manageable at this time". She sounded more confident and not afraid, as she has in the past. She also babied me a good bit because I had a tooth pulled last Thursday, and I was on soft foods all weekend. She was constantly offering to heat up soup and mashed potatoes for me. She didn't go overboard though, and it was kind of nice. We even had a few really good laughs, at some stories I picked up last week. There has not traditionally been a lot of laughing in my family home, so it's special when it happens. All in all, things were good this weekend. |
Caregivers
Well, I think we are a go on mom moving to my land. She signed the paperwork with her home buyers tonight.
There is a ton of stuff to do by the end of July. I think that it is time to round up the entire family for help. I am a little overwhelmed but with planning and help I think we can do this. :praying: |
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It really is terribly hard. But I envy all of you who still have your mom's. I would love to be able to take care of my mother again.
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Caregivers
A slight change of plans. I am adding an addition onto my house instead of a cabin. Mom gets her own wing, haha. I believe that it will be better in the long run for us to be under the same roof.
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I will be joining the ranks of caregiver, with my mom, Dad is in the hospital again, he may have to have a foot amputated.
We aren't sure what is all going to happen yet but reading this thread sounds a lot like what is going to happen in the near future. They may end up selling the house and moving away from the city for their own sanity and care, which I don't blame them one bit. I will however help as much as I can when time comes. |
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Dad may come home tomorrow. We arent sure yet. No amputation but they opened his foot to clean out the infection.
He has no idea that he may have to be wheelchair bound for the rest of his life, i dont see him complying with doctors orders. He thinks hes just gonna get up and walk, drive to work, etc. He has no clue. They took him off his depression meds cuz it interferes with his antibiotics, hes on ALOT of medications as well, from insulin to heart pills. Im so beyond stressed because alot of shit has happened at the house since Monday, from carpet installers cutting the net cord for internet to my mom stressing out to the point i cant handle being around her. My siblings help but have no clue as to how bad this has affected me, i bottle stuff up till i explode, im to the point i want to load up my dog and some of my stuff, to leave. My folks dont listen to any of us 3 kids about helping and im the one cuz i live here that gets more stuff piled on me, if its not my folks way its the highway and i want off! They need to sell the house and move, sell one car, etc to where they can manage life and health care. And both of them need to be on depression and anxiety meds cuz i cant take much more. I love them both dearly, however im in no position to financially help since my job fell through, i have my own health and mental issues plus im done not having a life because i get no help from dumb and dumber. |
Caregivers
I have to admit that moving mom is exhausting. She has her and dad's stuff, her parents stuff, and dad's parents stuff. The worst part is that she wants to keep it all.
I did manage to take a few pieces to the auction house but it did not make much of a difference. I started moving stuff at the end of June and we are not to halfway yet. Part of the problem is that we have very little help. There are no guys helping just my cousin, my ex, and a dear friend. We are paying a lady to pack her stuff part time but that is going too slow. Not to mention it is July in Texas with temperatures in the hundreds. I have started looking for more hired help. Ugh |
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Caregivers
We are in the last big push to get mom moved out. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.
I hope that on August 1st I can go to work and this will all be over. |
Im about to the point of leaving the house and living out of my truck. Mom bitches at me cuz she thinks im mean when i talk to my dad. NO he needs the truth, its his fault that hes in the predicament he is in, hes non complaint, eats whatever he wants, etc. He has the balls to yell at me for drinking a soda, i said im not diabetic and i dont have problems like he does, so im mean.
Im sorry if i was diabetic i would abide by the diet and take meds without bitching, ive done without soda and junk food before i sure as fuck can do it again IF needed. Also he goes to the doctor and does not ask questions, he gets mad if i or my mom ask for him. They wont allow him to have anti depressants and its bs. Hes obsessive and depressed but all i hear is that doctors dont give people his age those meds bullshit they give dementia/Alzheimer's meds that contain anti depressants, his mom was on them. Im about done with it all. |
PBS Newshour is running a series every Thursday addressing some current options/issues facing caregivers. The first two have focused on using outside help, a subject I am personally aquainted with. They are good to know about options and these episodes so far have been pretty accurate in my personal experience. They run about 10 minutes each.
*I’m not aware of how to imbed non-YouTube videos, so the links will have to do.* This one is about hourly private help; the shortages/expenses and how poorly the jobs pay: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/wh...-pay-so-poorly The one from the week before deals with Adult Family/Foster homes specifically in Oregon. State laws are highly variable and a lot of research is required. In my experience the best care is highly sought after and therefore hard to find. Word of mouth. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/in...or-the-elderly One thing I know of from discussing with others around the country is that the pricing is very regionally dependent and needs to be investigated on a case by case basis. I found that the prices quoted in the videos are low compared to what I have seen in central WA state where my mother lives. |
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:seeingstars: |
Caregivers
Day 35 of moving mom. I am exhausted in everyway. The sheer mass of her her stuff is overwhelming. Today they deliver a dumpster.
:bigcry: |
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Take a deep breath, you got this! |
Caregivers
The move will not be over this weekend. It is hot and I am overwhelmed. Yesterday was hard loading and unloading by myself. Thank goodness mom cuts me a break when I rage over the heat and the mass of her stuff. We now have one shed on my land and two rentals.
We are taking today off. Yay! |
Caregivers
The final deadline for mom to be completely out of her house has been set by the new owner. She has to be completely out by this Thursday night so I had to take off work and call in my cousin for help. I will be sweating my guts out for the next two days and nights.
On the bright side I have lost weight and my muscles are firm again. Mom and are are exhausted but we must push hard to make this deadline. I would appreciate support from my friends. :praying: |
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Breathe deep, and remember that you got this! (f) |
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I did have to hire some outside help with my mom since her move was predicated by my father's death there was the house with a lifetime of accumulation going nowhere to deal with. I was moving her into an apartment and did the packing for her and then hired an estate broker to take care of liquidating the things she wasn't taking, then to a trustee to sell the house since I was commuting from another state. When moving her from her apt to the house where she currently lives it was sort of the same but much smaller and no house sale, still renting a van to haul some few things to my house 400 miles away and the load/unload feature wasn't fun. This last was 4 months ago and I rented a small storage unit for her seasonal clothes and the giant archive of slides and photos (3 family members past were avid photogs) as it turned out, when I was there in July we found a place within her current place for all of her clothes and other personal items and I brought the archive to my house so we were able to get rid of the storage unit and replace that with half a bedroom in my house. Don't know about your mom's condition, but you may find over time that those belongings mean less to her and you will get to begin the endless shuffle in new and never-ending ways...:seeingstars: Chin up, the end of this phase is near. :cheesy: |
I'm posting the third week installment of the PBS Newshour video series,
The Cost of Care: The U.S. needs more home care workers. Is this the solution? Again link only as it is not YouTube. The first couple are posted upthread. "America's home care shortage is critical, and growing. The industry's shortage seems to be driven by low wages, few benefits and a lack of respect for workers, 90 percent of whom are women. Would giving them more responsibilities and more training help workers earn more?" This issue has hit home with me twice this week, first on Monday the primary caregiver in the sister home to the one my mother is in called in and quit with no notice. Resources are being stretched across the board to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. The place where she lives is excellent but they are having such a hard time finding people that one of the houses had to be shut down due to lack of staff. Second, I have an extra caregiver from the outside that I bring in twice a week to take my mother out for walks in parks, outing for a change of pace and exercise, and frequently a lunch out. It's good for her and she looks forward to these as a treat. Obviously when I am in town I get to do this with her. This morning I got a call from this caregivers sister about a family tragedy which will take her out of things, maybe forever. I have the utmost respect for her and feel horrible about what happened to her. I also have to find new help in a town that doesn't seem to have the resources. I use an agency that I helped get up and running a couple of years ago so should not have too much trouble though hiring is almost impossible even for this higher paying situation. This is a chronic situation that is only getting worse nationwide. This is not a problem with medicaid for us as it is for many and even worse than the shortages I am talking about. The linked video talks about the economics and shortages in the system. I hope policymakers start to wake up to the scope of the issue. |
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Caregivers
Thank you friends for the support. This has been a horrible experience. The deep cleaning service is cleaning mom's house over night and mom decided to stay with them tonight.
I get the feeling that it is hard for her to leave that house. My friends have advised me to be extra kind and gentle with mom during this transition. As a task master, I did forget that being gentle now was very important. My house is a mess with boxes but it will all be settled in time. Thank you, friends. Chad |
Caregivers
I am headed to New Orleans for a week with my colleagues and my work wife (thanks easygoing for the terminology). The construction crew will be here and I asked my cousin to check in on mom. Mom has learned how to care for the kitties so that is a big help.
I am hoping that everything goes well. |
Things Just Keep Picking Up Speed **sweating**
I knew mum had dementia years ago but getting people to believe me was another issue.
She has been in and out of the hospital since I graduated my board exams, dementia worsening, living on her own. She finally almost died beginning of May - I was told to rush to hospital and say goodbye - she had been forgetting to give herself insulin as a type 1 (most serious, born with) diabetic. She didn't die. But it caused more brain damage. So she's been on a locked ward waiting to be placed in a care home through our provincial health care system. Which I am very grateful for - they take 80% of her earnings, no matter what they are, and she keeps the rest. Today I got a phone call there is a bed, in our city of choice, in our borough of choice (VERY lucky), in a semi private room, with "cat company", there are two huge fish tanks, no locked ward but a locked building so she has 3 floors to wander around. A movie lounge, a dinning room, a cafe, a hair dresser that comes once a week, massage therapy students once a week (I was one of them once so I know the place well). She gets more of her things than most places, and they want it to be as home-like as possible so they encourage people to bring paintings. At the same time I have put the house on the market (it sold in 2 days), Packing like *MAD* on my own with a small amount of help from dad (divorced from mum 25 years). I just signed a contract with an auctioneers who will come to the house and sell everything that isn't packed and put away - takes 12 days. I have to make sure everything is as they require so that's two more days working my arse off with no break. I've also been told I need to take 24 more hours course credit by end of Sept for my RMT license as this is a new thing they are making all of us do. Its on line but FUCKIN NOW? REALLY? ok... The new seller has in contract mums stuff has to be out by the 20th. I need to get mums stuff we put aside to her new place in the next few days as she's being moved tomorrow. I was told **this morning**. My step mum is freaking shit because dad is storing a few things there for a few weeks - so I have to find a storage place pronto and sign a contract with them. SO fucking glad I have Power of Attorney and I pushed that a few weeks ago!! My brother is on the other side of Canada going "I don't want anything, don't bloody send it to *me*." I want everything to be over by Oct 1st. Really, really. And because I got mum's place in a bidding war, and actually showed it to people I really really hope she remembers me (if she can) with the "over asking" price so I can take some time off work and fucking expire for a week. I've already lost time and thus funds from work doing all of this. :( My own apt is a sty because there is no time to clean any of it, or cook. My cat hates me. And I'm venting on line instead of doing my school work. :seeingstars: |
Dad is officially an amputee. They removed his right leg, up to his knee about an hour ago. His foot was healing but he fell and broke his leg in 2 places the other night, i had to call 911 so mom could help him try to remain calm. He will be in the hospital probably 2 to 3 weeks then sent to rehab hospital till he is well enough to come home, if he can.
Our current home is not equipped to care for him right now, its up in the air as to whether we make it handicapped accessible or sell the house to move into a place more helpful or the folks go into a retirement community and i go on my way. Dad cant work so he said hes retiring, hes a bad diabetic with heart disease, thyroid problems, high blood pressure, etc etc. Im trying to take this one day at a time, i now am head of household, i do most everything from grocery shopping for mom and i to laundry, etc. The only thing i dont manage is their bills, mom does that, i just make sure the bills get mailed off in time.... Its going to be an extremely long hard road ahead... |
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