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I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)
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I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)
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guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" |
I love this....rumor has it that this is the song that got him fired from the math department at Harvard
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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO
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Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
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Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
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Required watching for any parent. I'm still laughing.
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When i was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream van only played music when it was sold out.
Well played dad, well played. |
I've always wanted to go into an elevator full of strangers and say " I suppose you're wondering why i've gathered you all here today"
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Now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD- At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM- Covered by Medicare * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens * DWI- Driving While Incontinent * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL- Living on Lipitor * * TOT- Texting on Toilet * Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!) |
Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X, she's never coming back and dont ask Y. |
There are two words in a person's life that will open lots of doors for them - Push and Pull.
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lol, I don't care what anyone says; this makes me laugh every time!
3 men walked into a bar. The 4th one ducked.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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