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Waking up alone...missing my Beloved so much...
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the emptiness....after she has visited and left....:(
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Hearing my girl cry after her goats were rehomed. I love her and those &*^)%&$^# goats but I think those goats will be just fine. They are nearby and in a home that has plenty to offer. Trust me honey.
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Thinking of my beloved dogs.... and missing them so much!!! Soon... babies... Soon! The Big B and I will be coming to get you and bring you all Home!!! I Promise!!!!
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loss........
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Having to go to Dr for an injured knee.... down for the count for a few days! Oy, that's rough for me.
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How some people have never experienced feeling loved and wanted.
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I pulled the Bed of Doom out from the wall to sweep out all the rubbish that accumulates there, and found several plastic boxes of stuff.
Two were souveniers and my teaching things from China, all my lesson plans, it was all there. The notecards from my Geology of China lesson given to 200 Chinese students, that I wrote in an hour over lunch (I was the only one with any kind of geology knowledge). The letters from my students, written during the last week. I even still have the cassette tape I made of their voices; meaning to turn it into a CD. I should take the darn thing to Radio Shack tomorrow, before it gets worn out. The goody bags from the Chinese airline. I mean, all of it. And in another tub...all the things from my wedding. The cake topper. Spare programs and invitations. The fan I bought in China and carried. The guest book. Some of the pictures. It's funny how decisions still reverberate years later. I'd considered living in China, at least for a year, and teaching there. Instead, I stayed in the States and married a kind, yet safe and unadventurous man, and had a safe, unadventurous life in the suburbs for a long time. I have no regrets aside from hurt I caused him or our children. But if I'd gone back to China, maybe for years, it's unlikely I would have become a parent. I surely would not have come out, at least not when I did, and would never have met my first girlfriend nor many other important people, let alone this site. So, it's not a matter of "did I make a mistake?" but "I made the best decision with the information I had then". Now I feel the winds of change, and the approach of crossroads yet again. This time, I don't have to hide behind someone and let them make my decisions. I'm far more open to life's adventures of all kinds. But, sitting there amid all that dust and stuff, furniture all pulled out, it was kind of bittersweet. On my wedding day, I felt happy, or at least relieved that I was going to be "settled". It was strange how little I resemble today the smiling woman in the big dress then. |
One of my cousin's wifes was in a car wreck today. She had some of their children with her. One of the 4 y/o twins passed away in the wreck. My family is hurting. My family is feeling a huge loss. I can't get my daughter to answer her phone. I know my Dad is a wreck. I cannot imagine such a pain, one I have been terrified of feeling for so very long. A loss of a child ................ |
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So very very sorry... |
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I am trying to keep from going insane by floating around here with family. KC, I might lose my mind if Miranda doesn't answer her phone soon. But you know how that has been with her, there has always been fear. You've seen this journey with us. I am so worried about my Dad and his health. So much loss in our family and then the complete tragedy of a tiny 4 y/o. Loss is never good, but you know how I mean. Tonight will be a long night ... My heart aches I am not with my family. Quote:
This is a loss I have feared for so very long. I cannot even begin to imagine it. |
"something" I read was like a dagger going threw my heart ~ shame on u ~
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The threat of ice and snow tomorrow .:|
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cuddle up and know Miranda has her own path and it will take her where it needs to many many warm hugs and peaceful light to you and all those hurting. |
a friend hurting due to loss
My own grief knowing this time she wont be coming home, as it sinks into my soul more and more. |
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I wish you peace during these hard times you are going through right now. You have a friend that is here for you, please always know this. You are a true blessing to my life and to all that are blessed enough to know you. ((((((hugs)))))) |
Checking out my FB page and seeing a post from someone who states emphatically that she "loves me"... (she's my cousin) but the post was.. "Radical Lesbian to Redeemed Christian". It felt like a slap in the face... like a violation... the sadness comes from having to make the decision to remove her from my FB page and distance myself from her.
Some posts, even some "anti-gay" posts, are done in such a way that it causes me to become constructively introspective... reevaluating how I think, feel and believe. But this post was destructive and negative. As if someone can "pray themselves straight"... it hurt. |
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I will keep your family in my prayers and light a candle for the little one. |
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I have been struggling all week. Tommorow is the day my Dad passed away.
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Hearing about the 5 young lives that have been lost at sea.
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NOT A THING!!!!!
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realizing today that the ole boy in the back yard is blind. I think he is about 13 or 14 yrs old. But the other old boy is older than him. When it warms up I'm getting in the attic and finding their registration papers to see how old they are.
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Part of our tradition is when someone is to return to the Creator open a window and let them go 10 years ago I opened the window for my Dad
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Just returned from a 4 y/o family member's funeral. Such a tiny little pink box. 1 brother not even able to be there due to still being in the hospital. The 3 others in another room due to being too small to understand. 1 of those 3 wearing a neck brace, she was the only one that is actually okay after this tragedy. A mom being led in w/uniforms and then having to go before the service was completed. So many tears. So much pain. Mom walking into room where the children are and you can hear over the prayer being said, "Mom!". ... This was my personal breaking point. |
sending sooo much warmth, comfort and healing energies to you sweetie
I have no way to relate or understand but I am here...I can HUG and provide support...xoxo Quote:
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Seeing a video of My granddaughter in the hospital.. she was in a very serious car wreck on Jan 3. She was in a coma for 6 weeks, the doctors said there was nothing more they could do for her, then miraculously she started opening her eyes. She's since been moved to a rehab facility in Nashville and opens her eyes, opens her mouth, moves her head slightly to the music on her phone. I was sent a video of her showing her trying to speak, she can't speak, but she's trying so hard.. it just made Me break down. God Bless her.. she's a beautiful, sweet, amazing 20 yr old young lady with her whole life in front of her and it just breaks My heart to see her struggle like that. But I am so thankful she has come as far as she can. It will be 2 months tomorrow since her accident, and I pray every day that she will recover fully.
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Having to sleep home alone tonight :(
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Having to say our goodbyes again. :(
We all get so moody and cranky... Goodbyes till next time blow! It's back to work and school for all of us in the morning..... Life continues as we are... 4 months remain till we no longer have these month long goodbyes. :( |
That I have far too much to do around the house to be able to hit the beach today....sad sad sad panda
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Knowing that I must have a conversation with somebody soon, this week, and it isn't going to be easy. All of my emotions stir. As sad as it makes me, I know it is right and what I need to do for myself. After the sadness comes confidence and a floating happiness waiting for me to feel free from the thoughts and the words.
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my BFF...and "that" conversation....I don't know what to say or to do....BUT I can damn cry, hug, and live in your heart! I love you, my fierce friend..my fucking best friend in the whole world...dammit....for one of the rarer times in my life...I am speechless...:blink:
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Thinking about my Momma today. She died 20 years ago today.
I miss her so much. |
R stopping on the sidewalk, giving her heart a chance to slow down. We were fighting. If I really love her, I would .... tough choices make me sad.
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It is so very hard to see my cherished friends hurting and not be able to help in any way. I do hope they know I am here for them, always. I'm sure that they do. *sending out positive healing white light* :praying: I have not heard from Miranda since Sunday, but this happens with her. Doesn't make me miss her any less, but this pretty much is a constant with her. I'm sick. I think like real deal sick. Feels like the flu. I think my body is just worn out and telling me it needs a break. There has been more news of my cousin's family. So much pain, but love how they are pulling together strong. :rrose: |
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That I had no choice but to walk away!
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when I woke up today I never thought I'd get that call muchless from my beautiful compassionate son. My heart is truly crushed. a grief never to heal. She left without me saying goodbye
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That it has taken me this long to realize where I belong. I have to tell a very special woman tonight im moving back home.
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a young friend's cancer has moved to her bones. She's a young mom with so much zest and inner beauty! I've heard this news before with my bio mom 4 years ago... this hurts my heart deeply
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Today, April 5 is my brothers birthday.
This day always hits me hard, i miss his so damn much. The hard part is that he is alive. Happy Birthday Brother wherever you are. |
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