Butch Femme Planet - Healthy Weight Loss

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This is true for me also. When my ex and I broke up, I texted a friend about how ugly I was. Even though, I am maintaining my weight at 162lbs, I still feel horrible and I don't like the person looking at me in the mirror. This time of year is the hardest for me and on Tuesday, I broke. I started crying and really really hating myself. I went to work, where a co-worker saw me, and asked what was wrong. I told her what was up and that if I had a container of 2 dozen cookies from Publix, I would eat them all. She nearly fell over and said, "It is a good thing you don't have them". When I got home from work on Tuesday, I went to bed and cried some more. I also told her that I cannot wait until my birthday when I can hang out with friends.

Hugs to all of you,

Zimmeh

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJo (Post 486443)

((((( Anya )))))....you totally should post this stuff in this thread :)

I think a lot of us struggle with the negative "you're too fat" self-image....I know I do.

Let me give you some snippets of my tapes...

...my mother, telling me about how grossed out she was taking a first aid class in school and being paired with a heavy girl...and having to touch her *shudder, grimace*

...my sister...writing in my middle school annual...on the back of the page signed by all of my dearest friends, some advice for my life...starting with the fact that I should lose at least 35 pounds...and several paragraphs about why....I threw the annual away, and now wish with all my heart I had kept it since the dearest of them committed suicide about 6 months later....ironically, I probably weighed about 145 at the time, and was 5' 6"...losing 35 lbs would have been downright dangerous

...my mother's family...who was the only family I knew growing up...all naturally thin...who would stare at me pointedly anytime I ate and cluck their tongues or shake their heads

...my mother, shopping for clothes with me as I left home for college...once I thought we had patched things up as well as they could be....getting more and more visibly disgusted as we went up in sizes and nothing fit. In part, that was because I had never had new clothes in my life...and had no idea what size I was in. She stomped away when we hit size 20....muttering and gesturing. I bought my own clothes...and we never talked about it.

There is a tape in my head that says "you're fat, you're ugly, no one will ever want you." And, with all the counseling I've done, journaling, soul-searching, and proof to the contrary....there is a part of me that still believes those lies.

It's a constant struggle for me. Even being where I am now, confident and strong in myself, and knowing that those who judge based purely on size aren't worth having....I still fight it.

Life is ironic though....and my mother, struggling with cancer and chemo, is fighting to get enough food in herself to stay alive. Her weight dropped to 96 pounds at one point...now up to 114...and what she needs more than anything is a little more weight...a little more strength.

For the first time, heavy looks good to her...and when she is stumbling and too sick to care for herself, it wasn't her skinny daughter that was there for her....it was her "fat" one.

Hugs to all of you on this journey. :rrose:

(((((((((((Anya)))))))))))))

My friend, yes you should be posting here! Like Jo said, negative self talk in our own heads is a freakin' HARD obstacle to hurdle. Honestly for me, it's something that I battle with every. single. day.

We want you to share your journey, the good, bad & the ugly. For me, it's when I say things (or type them here) that it becomes a reality that I have to face. Problem is, I've bottled things up for sooooo long, becoming the Queen of Denial, that things got so out of control. I learned that lovely trick from my mother ~ ignore it till it goes away or if you don't have to face things till you talk about them.

Our journeys, yes even the struggles, have taught me to be thankful for the good days and learn from the hard days. We are all human and will have bumps along the way. Luckily for us, we have an amazing support system here, with people that are always willing to offer words of encouragement, wisdom & support.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJo (Post 486443)

((((((((((Jo))))))))))))))

Isn't it amazing that we can't remember what we may have done over the weekend, but can remember WORD FOR WORD an insult that someone has said about our weight 10+ years ago?!

My childhood best friend... telling me, I needed to go on a diet because I couldn't wear a BANDANA as a belt (at the age of 10).

My high school principle... when I reported harrassment by a male student, telling me a "girl of my size" should be thankful for the attention & to take it as a compliment. (yeah, I wore a size 12)

My grandmother... when I was 19, smacking me on the ass and tellling me my ass was bigger than hers. If I kept it up, I'ld never find a husband. (yep, still a size 12)

A former male co-worker last year... "I see you are still putting on weight".

And the list can go on... How do we turn off this crap?!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zimmeh (Post 486534)

((((((((((((Zimmeh)))))))))))

Sweet girl, I am so very sorry that you had a rough day. I am sure that we have all been there, and felt that pain. This time of year is tough for a lot of people... "holiday cheer" is not universal for everyone.

I don't know about you, but for me, a good cry is cleansing. It's like I'm finally able to let all the pain & negativity out. The next day I usually wake up with a sense of starting over with all the bad stuff gone.

I hope that you are having a better day. You are making amazing strides on your journey... keep your chin up!

I did feel better afterwards and I am not going to stop myself. I am making damn good strides with my life and I am looking forward to turning 38 in two weeks.

Hugs to you and thank you!

Zimmeh

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkieLee (Post 486553)

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya* (Post 486367)

I really, really hate that I have always felt fat, even when I was really thin. What is the point of being thin, if you still think you are fat anyway?:confused:

Riiiight? I found a picture of myself around 11th grade not too long ago. My GAWD! Inside my head, I was HUGE. Ginormous. In that picture? I zeroed in on the single chin, lack of cellulite and my cheeks that actually had some angle to them and thought, "I was SUCH a dumbass then."

:blink:

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkieLee (Post 486549)

And the list can go on... How do we turn off this crap?!

I say start with the source but then I'd love the chance to knock someone on their ass and that's probably less productive than actually working on ourselves.

For me, it's less of a tape and more like the static that used to be on the TV. You can't really make it out but you know what it is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme (Post 486613)

I had the same experience. When I was in 6th grade, I thought of myself as this huge, monstrous, immensely fat thing....and it made sense given all the messages I was getting from family.

A few years ago, coincidentally in the middle of counseling, I found an old newspaper clipping with a picture of me (and other girls) representing our school's drill team (yes, I was a dork :) ). I had ponytails, and breasts, and I was as tall as the teacher who led us.

There was also nothing at all "fat" about me. I was my full height....and probably weighed 135-140.....and I looked like a perfectly normal developing girl.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, at that age, what I really looked like...because frankly, I was cute.

I am having potato casserole for dinner.

It has:

Four baking potatoes
Veggies of your choice
-Frozen veggies are better
EVOO
-Used to coat the veggies
-I add about a tablespoon to the pan and drizzle the tops of the veggies
Seasonings
-I used
-Crushed Red Pepper
-Italian seasonings
-Garlic salt -dash
Shredded cheese :)

Cook in a 350 degree oven for about 1.5 hours

Enjoy! :)

Last summer I ran into someone I had dated in high school,he thought he was a real lady killer then,once one of is friends told him I would end up just a fat old italian momma with a passel of kids.I realy tryed hard to not have a good laugh when I saw him cause he weighs nearly 350 if its an ounce,is bald as a que ball and paying allimoney to 3 wives and 4 kids.I wasnt laughing at his weight but the situation and how its backlashed on him.If he only had any idea at all how life has changed for me over the years,I got the best end of it.

Thanks for sharing all of this hard stuff about what family and friends can do to sabotage us, even though they don't mean to.

Yes the things that stick in our minds, no matter how much people tell us we are perfect and beautiful, those negative comments linger. I can't ever remember not feeling like I needed to be on a diet, even at a size kids 14. (I was an adult) I felt I should have been in a 12. Now at a size women's 8, I struggle to feel that this acceptable and I should be in a 6. Everyday a struggle to feel right.

I am trying to be so very good because my trip to New Orleans is near and I want to be in a good headspace around all that yummy food. I don't want to have to go through detox like I do after each trip there, the salt alone is a killer.

I weighed in after a month of counting calories and I've lost 6 pounds. 6 pounds on a 5"1 frame is a good amount! My skirt felt a little looser today so I am happy, I am also finding some days I can't even get to 1,000 calories. I am replacing the carbs with more fruit. It sure does keep the hunger pangs away.

The iphone app has been a lifesaver. It's so easy and tracks everything, and it's quite a reality check. It's called My Fitness Pal if anyone is interested. (I call it the "fitness bitch" but that's just me)
Good luck to all, this time of y is a tough one, but it's TOO dang hard to lose it once you find it!

i get seriously emotional about this stuff... damn tapes...
Took me a bit to be able to respond myself. but here i'll try..

(((((Anya))))) first of all, like they all said, this thread is for the good & bad, and that's what makes this thread so motivating & inspiring.. When we can come in here and shake off the hard & challenging thoughts we have, or share the hurtful & angering things which holds us back sometimes.. That's where our growth comes from - sharing, usually.. So thank you everyone for sharing.. i can certainly relate.. As a child, i began obsessing food and remember thinking how fat i was and hating how people looked at me then.. Being so uncomfortable in my own skin, yet when i look at pictures of me then, i look almost flawless and wonder why on earth i was so hard on myself then...

Oh, i remember... my mother was one of the hardest people on me about my body image.. She consistently reminded me that every bit of food i was putting in my mouth would make me fatter and would pinch skin on certain parts of my body to tell me constantly she was going to put me on a diet.. i can remember this back as far as when i was 7 & 8 years old.. i remember her telling OTHER people she was shameful of my eating habits and weight gain..

i also remember one day (i was about 10 years old), i asked for 50 cents to go to the corner store with my friends, and she threw me on a weight scale demanding me to look at the number on that scale (i cant remember what the number was) and telling me that all the junkfood i was eating would give me a fat ass and high numbers and people would laugh at me.. i remember from that point on, i would sneak change every so often, and i would then hide and eat junkfood away from her sight.. i was devastated, but angry i couldn't fit in with my friends.. (i also remember this was how she taught me about smoking, when i was 8 she stuck a cigarette in my mouth and made me inhale til i coughed myself ill..) i've never touched a cigarette since, which i'm thankful for not smoking but her approach, gawd..

i remember developing some obsessive behaviours back as a child, through my teenage years also because i struggled with bullying from grade 7 on.. i remember trying to fit in, and doing extreme things , even foodwise.. Bringing your own lunch was unheard of, and growing up poor i didn't have money to spend.. So often went without a meal at lunch and then would be starving once the time i was home.. Regardless of what i did to try and fit in, i didn't.. i felt socially challenged, constantly and although i wasn't overweight or obese (yet), i certainly wasn't tiny at that time and girls would always pick at certain things on me or make fun of things i was wearing, or the way things fit me or something about my appearance.. The teasing, the laughing, the lonely feeling always got to me, more & more each day... & with that, i always turned to food. (secretly)

my mother & stepfather, would always get mad when i ate food, snacked ... i wasnt allowed friends over when they were home, everything had to be secret.. They were always out, whether working or at the bars at night.. food comforted me, and i remember binging on foods i craved so much because they wouldnt allow me them through the week.. And the hell i would go through after for having eaten whatever i did..

As an early adult, after having children, my weight of course increased while pregnant.. i gained 79 lbs with my son, & 68 with my daughter, without losing weight in between.. i obsessed the weight loss and it's been an uphill, downhill battle constantly with me, and the negative comments, the teasing, the harsh words from my mother (and ridicule from my constantly drunk father) it ALWAYS stays in my head.. At my heaviest i stopped looking in a mirror at myself fully.. i would focus on one area that needed to be looked at and go on with my day.. i loathed clothes shopping, and eventually got to a point in my life that i stopped even leaving my house until absolutely necessary.. i pushed people out of my life, for fear they would see my fat body at my highest weight and just now i am trying to get some of my friendships and family back in my life.. Just now, after 71 lbs lost, i feel the confidence of being able to show myself ... But at 244 lbs (right now) i still have a way's to go and i look in that mirror today and be damned if i see a 244 lb woman looking back at her..

i see the 315 lb woman, i obsess my problem areas and i hear allllll the negative words said to me by any and every person t hrough life.. The laughing, the pointing, the embarrassing feelings when i couldn't do something someone else could.. While i do get so damn angry that society paints a picture of what is beautiful for a woman, and it's usually something completely unachievable, i still get stuck in the negative tapes in my head and i'm not sure i will ever break out of that.. i have done a tremendous amount of self work over this year and i have gained some self esteem and some confidence and i can say, i am a beautiful woman.. But ask me what's REALLY going on in this head of mine, guaranteed i am looking in that mirror and those words aren't what is in my head as i look at myself..

my body image makes me terribly sad.. i suffer a lot in the way of making friends too, i tend to try and reach out for friendships and i feel i fail that often too, i crave actual girlfriends to laugh with and talk girl talk and all of the ways i try and make friendships, i am so super hard on myself when it doesn't happen and then i go back to all of this undeserving "well look at me" kind of stuff.. It's a vicious circle..

Thank you all for sharing, and thank you for this space once again.. i'm all teared up and boohoo'ing as i type this, and i got super emotional last night with all of this in mind too.. It's a real challenge sharing the hard stuff for me, so i gather it must be for all of you as well and the fact we can step out of ourselves and offer the support & show we know the feelings much, is such a comfort to me... This thread always feels like a huge warm hug to me...

(((((group hugs))))))
This is the stuff that makes us want to do better today for ourselves..
& coincidentally, my mother today is well overweight herself, and is one of my biggest cheerleaders now, or tries to be .. i distance her, a lot...Our relationship has always been strained, i have a lot of anger issues from my past, and things i'm not sure i can forgive.. However, she's my mother and i have allowed her in my life, but have set a lot of rules, and i distance the negativity..When she told my daughter that she had fat rolls on her tummy and that her butt was a bit big and started picking on her eating habits, i made sure i stepped up on that one.. No way! But today she is much more sensitive to how i was feeling back then and how i am feeling today.. Interesting how things change..

Good morning healthy friends...

Weigh in day and I've lost one pound...in 2 weeks since I didn't weigh last week. My first reaction was noooooo.....and then I reminded myself that...

:rrose: I've been losing at the rate of 2 and 3 lbs a week for the last few weeks

:rrose: I've been under amazing stress and, despite crying a lot and not sleeping as much as I need, I have not resorted to food to get through this...a major achievement

:rrose: I received a gift of delicious chocolate covered peanut brittle...and have been successfully enjoying a small amount periodically...without over-doing it. I'm proud of that

:rrose: My weight is lower right now than it has been in a couple years...and maybe my body is just readjusting to the change

I'm working hard at being gentle with myself about now...and not harassing myself to do "better" is a huge part of it.

Hugs to you all....

Made it to the gym this morning. Between being crazy busy at work, and being sick havent been to the gym in a few days. Despite all, I am holding my own though.
Yall have a wonderfull weekend!

The pounds u lost I shurly have found,where and how I dont know.This weekend and next thursday I have parties to go to I have fixed dishes for the ones today to take,I have been very careful to not do much eating or tasting while cooking also ive been really watching what I eat at meals..this morning I got on the scales I gained 1 pound.The biggest reason I dont like this season is its so hard for me to not gain weight,in testing every day to keep track of my numbers wich are fine,so I dont see where the weight is comeing from.Gone is the day I could just eat less to shake it off now I need to eat enough to keep my diabetis in check..a lettus leaf and carrot stick wont work any more.

For me, I gave up drinking good dark beers and got back into working out (3 times a week aerobic and weights). I went from 38" to 32" waist in a year and a half.

I didn't feel that heavy until I played catch football with a friend, after 5 minutes I couldn't get enough oxygen in my body to compensate for the amount my body was using. That was a wake up call.

I love to eat so I have to workout.

i'm at 1350 calories daily for now... diet is going to change again soon. my jeans dont fit me anymore... all i wear are sweats...

I have been remiss in excersizing, and it is due to my hip med wearing off. I can't have another shot for a month, have to wait 4 months in between shots. So I'm eating healthy foods in an attempt to keep my body from having apoplexy over not excersizing.

Yay!!!!
Christmas party last night, diet parameters maintained, and I feel good today. No weight loss this week, but somehow, I'm getting into some clothes that had been too tight. How does that work? Are the cells juggling/jiggling themselves around or something? Would love some of the ones on my hips to migrate to the chest area!!!!!

Another party tomorrow afternoon....plan is to wear something I couldn't last week, just as a reminder not to put anything in my mouth that could sabotage what I've accomplished.

Still can't believe how much weight I gained, in such a short period of time! Losing it just isn't as easy as it was when I was younger, and that part really stinks.

I weighed in Friday and am down a pound. I am sooooo close to 50 lbs lost. I am not sure if I am going to make my Jan 6 goal. But, I have to let it go. I won't torture myself for not living up to my own view of perfection. Perfection.... easy to spell but... how do I wear that?

I talked myself out of going to the gym this morning. And I can live with that. I went four out of five days this week and will go tomorrow. If I go out dancing tonite, I will certainly get my exercise. One of the nicest things about going out to a bar at 45 is no one is trying to pick me up. I can dance to my hearts content... and dancing makes my heart content. And sweaty dancing makes my legs and lungs content. One day someone asked me what it was that caused my smile while dancing... I responded (not sure where this came from) "Music is the tongue that licks my soul, and dance is the expression of my ecstasy". And that is true.

I am grateful to the meaningful messages that I read here. I am grateful for the honesty. For the sharing of heartache . For the memories of the beginnings of negative relationships with food. And for our successes. A Jungian analyst I quite admire was anorexic for 25 years. In her healing, and work since, she has come to see food as the Mother. Not a mother, but rather an aspect of the archetype of Mother. The Negative Mother. Food is what comforts us when we are not comforted by our real world mother. Our soul still needs nourishing, so we take it from food. Well, some of us do. I did. If I did not work so hard this year to understand my relationship with the MOTHER I don't think I would have kept up with my journey. I would have given up... like always. But this time.... this time I wanted to heal. Not just lose weight.

So, this time of Christmas is loaded with triggers for me. I am not overeating. I am exercising. But the trauma, the unconscious (unaware) me is still holding onto weight this season. I am not surprised. I am, surprisingly, not worried. I have patience with my process. I have to, what other choice is there?

I was asked earlier this week if I had set a weight loss goal for 2011. I looked quite quizzical and said "No". Then I pondered that. This is the first time in my weight loss journey that I have not set a goal. I decided this time I would be public with my shame and body. First time ever. I decided that my body would do what it would do, and I would NOT beat myself up for it.

So far so good.

Today I am especially grateful. Today I am grateful for the witnesses. Today I am grateful I can read similar stories of triumph, heartbreak and honesty.

You make me feel brave. You make it okay to be vulnerable.

Ugh!I just got back from a Christmas party a bit ago,I didnt eat any bread or starches,no candy or sweets(lord there were so many ) just a diet coke then some brisquit with veggies then some roasted nuts to snack on.Would love to have had some pie.