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PTSD is on my laundry list of brokenness. It affects my sleep more than anything else. The cause is simple, the same story so many have already shared, just a different girl. Just once I'd like to sleep through the whole night without waking up feeling as though I'm being suffocated. Just once I'd like to kiss someone deeply, passionately and not have flashbacks for the week + following said kiss. Just once I'd like to be less broken.
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So my therapist keeps coming up with projects to calm my mind.
While I was in NYC I was supposed to draw my feeeeelings, then write a haiku. :| My feeeelings ended up being black sharpies markings and my haikus about death. Glad to be home. Embarrassed to have to go and report at therapy tomorrow. |
Big hug to all..... sometimes I read your posts and cry. Sometimes I read your posts and I am so happy for your good days and doing betterexperiences, I smile, a BIG smile! Sometimes, I just want to sprinkle all gone dust all around each and every person that posts here... (when WILL this be available OTC?)
Guess, I have to settle for a virtual group hug! |
I love the All Gone Powder idea!
Grin! |
This past week has been sleepless for me, my inner clock is outta whack again, high anxiety too, even though I am taking Trazadone and Ambien to help me sleep, I think my anxiety is running so high that they over take the meds to help me rest. UGH
This month is already going to be a horrible month for me for personal reasons. I don't know how much more I can bare with the stress of things and not go into a full blown episode of Bells Palsy (sp?). It often feels like the weight of the ENTIRE world is upon my shoulders baring down hard and fast like ton of bricks falling from a 50 story building. I wish I could take out a can of whip *ss and spray my stress and anxiety away. LOL Impossible, yeah, but atleast I can make myself laugh ONCE in a while. I think the laughter is the only sanity I feel I have left some days. I hope the rest of you are doing much better than I am. Hey Tuff, how are you therapy sessions going? Are they helping you any? |
I'm having one of those :watereyes: moments tonight. My "safe place" seems to be broken at the present moment.
Therapy keeps getting better...Then worse...Then back to better again depending on the subject discussed. I'm kind of struggling with my "safe place" as I can't seem to call upon it EVERY time *I* want it/need it, although it does help 3/4 of the time. Since I'm about to get on a (gulps) plane, my therapist has decided to work exsorcises until I return so as not to open a :canoworms: before I go and am too far away. I do have some great info (a bit expensive but worth the investment) though about a program sugested for me for the panic attacks. (Not trying to plug anything here it's just *my* opinion, because it soothes *me*.) www.stresscenter.com . The lady who started this Lucinda Bassett *sp (I believe her name is) started it and was once a sufferer of horrible panic attacks. *shrugs* I like it anyways. I keep going through moments of high and low. One moment REALLY good and up there and "OH BOY!" then dropping back down low. The lack of moral and emotional support is a big factor. I'm kind of cut off from my "support group" for a few days. I don't know...I think my main problem right now is my ex is in town and stirring up messed up feelings that I don't want to go back to. She wants to get back together. :whoop: I'm obviously NOT interested. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt yanno? Sorry to go on rambling. Thanks everyone. We all need to know that we're not the only ones :hanging: here like this. And sorry about all the smilies...I needed a smile and theres that button over there.>>> |
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addendum I'm still pissed. There is a lot of anger in me. Something happened this week that was costly to me. And i'm tired of this. Right when I thought I had things in check, it came rearing back. |
The time has come to face to face, head on, with demons in my life. It had to come to this moment when I think all is lost, and I stand in a desolate place— God and me— right and wrong — good and evil— past and present and I know not the outcome other than the fact that no matter what, I have the greatest ally in all of creation. Trust me, I have fought Him on everything . But today is my hour to facing hell on the horizon and I can barley hold up knowing what awaits. I hope that whoever reads this—the struggling, the fearlful, the defeated—you must know that no matter how torturous, the outcome will be in God's hands. And even though the odds seem impossible, any thing is possible with the help of a higher power. This is about winning when everthing is against you....
This post is my song today and for all who an relate. |
Thanks for your reps and comments everyone. I need to say this: I am Catholic and I have always believed overcoming difficulties and facing terrible odds could be done with God's help. But I am no saint or good guy by any stretch of the imagination. I scream at God because of the pain, and for things happening to me the way they did. I've told Him I hated Him. And you know what? He forgives it and we move on. But I'm mad, damn mad that I have to go through this again step by step, moment by moment. I fucking don't want to be here, its that simple. And there's nothing I can do about that because I am a Catholic.
Nowt we're reaching into the core of injuries where there is anger and bitterness and hatred for life because of the pain. At the core are the memories of what happened and a wound that needs to be cleansed. And none of this will be accomplished without facing the bitter details, the toxic shame, the villifying and subjugation that I endured one terrible night. It's all in my face now — memories that are thorough and, unfortunately, surfacing against my will. This is a process. I don't know if any of you will have to face or deal with your trauma in this manner. But the bottom line is getting to and dealing with severe injuries no matter how indignant or frightening or demoralizing. I have been afflicted physically, neurologically, mentally and I have lost my life as it once was. I'm pissed. And the entire purpose of this post is tell you that it's okay to be pissed and run the gamut of emotions because its part of being human and severely injured. Do you honestly think God expects us to accept and move through our terrors and bagage with the pomp and peagantry of the guardsman at Buckingham Palace? Wow. Than I must be a child of a lesser god. Life is getting worse as the core of this "thing" surfaces. I may not handle it, but I am here wish you all the best in your journey. |
I am having a difficult time facing things becasue I feel so dumb and weak. Stupid in fact for even having had these things happen, and not being over it.
When I was a kid, no matter what happened I was told to "buck up", or "chin up little soldier", even when my mother died....so I feel so incredibly stupid not being over stuff. I have a therapist appt I need to leave for in 15 minutes and I feel sick at my stomach about it. Stupid stupid stupid even talking about this stuff. |
panicccccc
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I am finaly calmed down a bit. When I am really freaked out sounds come in waves and my ears burn. Weird huh?
Apparently therapist thinks I am way more sane than I do. She also thinks I need to do stand up comedy? |
Bout to board a plane...AGAIN...AND AWAKE...
O M GAY ....40 mins and counting... gods help me... |
I hope the flight and trip go great!
My therapy is really intense now and other problems I have like Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis which they say can be very related to childhood trauma are acting up. I know I will feel better some day, but I am kind of shot this afternoon...wondering if soemhow the pain will go away when I sort this all out in my head. Maybe we need a chronic pain thread? UGH. |
Flying? Well all I can come up with as I think back on it is this: :|
The trip was AWESOME btw...I got to go see My Jennie in Washington. I'm going back to therapy again on Wensday (thank the Goddess) and I can't wait. I really dig my therapist. Then again...I really dig most hippies. I don't think I will be getting back on a plane again any time soon though. :| |
What freaks me out about flying are the airports and how people act when they are upset. I have to really focus to not give into my PTSD when loud people are all around in a closed in area and get all belligerent.
I do better in the airports that have the illusion of space, where at least the celings are high the entire time. I feel so trapped in airports like O'Hare or immigration at Dulles etc. I need to stay sharp so I don't take antianxiety meds, but am always right on the edge of losing it. Eapecially if I have people in my personal space. |
yep, I have finally come to terms and the realization that I have NEW trauma, and that I am going to have to go back to see a therapist to deal with this new crap.
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I have been in therapy again since last Winter and it finally seems to be helping. Best to you in your journey! |
Anxiety is running amock. I can't sleep well. Seems like nothing I try works. Not even the medication for my anxiety and sleep issues. Feels like my body is full of it and about to explode. Feels weird.
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So sorry. I know exactly how that feels. I could not sleep either, am an pretty bleary eyed this morning. I hope your day calms the anxiety! |
Thank you for your support. I do appreciate it a great deal. And it means a lot to me. I am now dealing with new stress, my mom is not getting enough oxygen to her heart, she failed her stress test last week. Doctor called and wants to do an Angiogram on her heart and all that stuff, looking for another blood clot in her arteries. I take her for the procedure on Sept. 8th. I am just hoping there is nothing wrong with her that requires immediate surgery. I lost my stepdad just this Jan 13th. I don't want to lose my mom. It's scary for her and me. I am full of anxiety about it too. I have a personal matter that has to be dealt with Sept. at a later date, I just hope whatever has to be done for my mom is done Before then, so I am there for her. I can't change my date for my personal matter.
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Whewwww. The stress about my mom is now Over. Her doc did the angiogram and it turns out her coronary arteries are just fine.
He thinks it's her age, physical condition (in shapeness), and her push mowing causing the problem, her lungs are fine too. So, my arguments with mom over me helping her MOW THE LAWN are VALIDATED...heh heh heh. I get to mow the lawn now with less friction from mom!! I suggested to her to do a very small area so she won't feel like I am just taking over things. She has just got to learn that she's NOT as young as she used to be, ya know.....and she ain't feeling it yet!! LOL Now, back to MY regularly stressed life issues............... Hope everyone here on the thread is doing ok. It's been a while since anyone else posted. |
It has been a while...life I guess!
Therapy is going well, except my annual alotment of insuranec has run out so I am paying out of pocket. I may need to drop to every other week, but I don't want to! My anxiety is better, but I am still so jumpy. Our dog breathed behind me a couple of nights ago and I about jumped out of my skin! I hate being so hyper alert, I wonder when it will calm back down...I feel so silly about it all. |
I know in my heart my son is suffering from ptsd..he has done 2 tours in iraq and has isolated himself from all family..occassionally calling or emailing..(him and I were inseperable b4 his tours) I have seen him once in 2 yrs and I do not even have his current home address..I never stop reaching out to him, via phone calls that lead to voicemails because he didn't pick up the phone..to emails gone unanswered..to facebook posts gone unnoticed..but I never stop trying to contact him..reassure him..but as his mother I am lost as to how to get him help...he is a shell of a person..only drinking and hanging with his friends..I can not express the devestation we feel..its like a death..my daughter misses him so much..as do we all..but he ignores all attempts..
He came for a visit after my daughter turned 16 this past May..he laughed the same..but he was vacant..his amazing brown eyes were devoid of emotion..only a few times did the glimmer of the man he use to be show...and I reveled in it..I watched him sleep for hours..just to hear him breath...he is right in front of me but so very far away..I raised such an incredible young man..I know he understands the pain he is causing all his family..and we all just stand back and let him come back to us..but of course we all don't have a choice.do we? I have no idea where he even lives these days..and his phone is turned off... I recieved a small prayer/poem from my sister - n - law regarding how the family "serves too"..but although geographically he is home..he isn't really here..he is still there...so I guess I will serve this with him..I miss him and it simply takes my breath away at times just how much..I cry often and console my daughter when she does... I speak to my sister - n - law who's sun served in afghanastan in the airforce (my son is a marine) and gabe didn't come back completely either...he is lost..but at least he came home to his room..my son did not..he is out there..alone and going through it by choice alone...I do not know how to get to him..to help in any way.. signed lost in the moment of his youth and missing the smell of him I love you my amazing son..please fight and find your way back thanks for listening |
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Being a mother of an adult child, I understand your pain. We never stop caring and nuturing our kids. You are doing all the right things. Letting him know that you are there is important even though he may not respond. At least right now. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a sibling. Maybe his sister can reach him. She doesn't have to say 'hey why aren't you contacting us' but maybe a simple invite to come by for dinner. My heart goes out to you. My son has been astranged from me for 5 yrs now with absolutely no explanation. If it weren't for his sister, I wouldn't even know where he was. May Spirit wrap your son in love and protection. |
I am back in a physical place that has caused me to have new PTSD. I had to come here for reasons i will not explain here, but just know that I am feeling like my head is going to explode! My Nerves are way outta whack, and my anxiety is over the limit. I don't want to be here, but I have to be here.
Please God, just get me through this week, see to it that your angels are standing tall beside me and that the truth sets me free. In Jesus Name I Pray, Amen. |
Whew.................glad to be home again. Although, the nightmares are still around, I'll be talking to my psych. doc to see about some new therapy for my new ptsd crap. Hope there's a way to get it where I am.
Ps...where the heck did everyone go? hmmm... |
Its so terrible that soldiers are coming back from overseas with PTSD with so little help available! My thoughts are with you!
Just Being Me, so sorry that your PTSS has been kicked back in, I hope that you do not have to go back there! I know some triggers are almost impossible to avoid without making wayyyy tough decisions. and sometimes even then, nothing helps. I am not as angry as I once was, the BrainSpotting seems to be helping. No more hallucinations auditory or visual, but still am jumpy & over stimulated. I have moved to being profoundly sad when I think about my past, which according to therapist is good. My therapist fixed my pay rate so I can still afford to go every week, I am so thankful! I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist, but am nervous becasue I have not lost any weight. UGH. In fact I need to go see all my docs, but dread the fat recriminations. |
still around
I'm sure I'm not the only one who comes here to read and find a little comfort in knowing you're not alone... So don't feel alone when the posting slows. I'm at the worst stage of getting to know someone, dating, when it comes to ptsd. Not just because of thinking about having to tell someone new ... Which is huge enough... But also because for me relationships themselves are a big part of what I struggle with. Abuse, physical and mental, is always there in the back of your mind ya know...? Being rushed or pushed or even yes, too liked, scares the holy crap right out of me... I don't have much else to add on it but I think many of you know exactly what its like. The worst feeling of all is knowing that what is supposed to be wonderful and joyful for so many people is just filled with unfair feelings like paranoia and panic. Its like the more I care the more afraid I get... And I have to fight the urge to run in the opposite direction... Caus I know that once I fall in love I can't stop myself from sticking it out waaay too long in so many cases. I'm getting back into counceling cause I really need outside perspective...
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I haven't been in here for quite sometime. I'd like you all to know that the end is in sight. Due to the nature of my ordeal, I can't go into to details, but I can tell you that one the biggest obstacles to overcome was fear. Unbelievable how much fear existed and how much it dominated by life. I ran from my life—my very person and ended up living on auto-pilot. The denial and suppressed feelings was so great that I never saw my physical changes as I aged or how much had I lost which was just about everything. I lost friends, material things and my livelihood.
It has taken 22 months to face and overcome my fears. First, I had to admit that something terrible had to be faced in my life. If I didn't face the inevitable, I would be running in circles as I had done all along as a way to avert or sidestep the ordeal. So I got on the right medicine so I could operate normally day to day, and help with the anxiety of facing what happened. Secondly, I had to break it down into baby steps so I could move through the event. As I did this, it felt as though pieces were surfing which helped to alleviate the pressure in my chest. I felt that something was going to blow from the inside. The reason is because I had suppressed so much to the point were feelings and fears felt "impacted." The body can only take so much psychologically, physiologically and neurologically and I had suffered all three for...18 years. I felt absolutely powerless in facing the event, so baby steps were key in processing what happened. Third, I had to feel the feelings and allow them to surface and get out of my system. I call it being unchained. I've had to move through fear and anger and so much negativity. Now, as I type this, I've regained long term memory and let go of so much anger. This is a daily occurance. How beautiful to feel again and experience the person I am. Nothing is hidden anymore. It's a fall, my favorite season, and I am present within myself as my trauma continues to leave me. |
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To be vulnerable at all makes me want to scream. I have found that if someone ios not willing to work with you on your PTSD issues, they are not good enough for you! Best of luck, I hope things calm down for you! |
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So glad things are better! I know it's been a looong journey. Letting go of the anger is proving very healing for me too! It is so difficult though. Again, you sound so much better! yeay! |
new day
So it really helped me and I wanted to share this maybe help someone else too.
The thought or realization that the other person is coming to the table with their own things, that even possibly similar experiences and yes sometimes even ptsd too. No matter what you end up discovering along the way, realizing its a cooperative effort therefore you sarent all alone in the fear department... Thinking of the other person and allowing them the chance to be supportive and understanding can also break the ice for that person to share thiers with you... Looking forward to the next time we can take chances together... Lol |
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Thank you for your understanding..believe me the fact that I know I am not alone is a huge comfort for me..I have an amazing life..and I am surrounded by love..but the emptyness I feel with regards to my son..no one can fill. I wish it was that easy to invite him to dinner..he lives in ND and I love in AZ..so thats near impossible..I did notice the other day on his facebook that he responded to his friends and told them him phone was back on..so I text him, and called him as I always do..but again no response..I know people..several actually tell me to just give him time..but I find it amazing that parents who's kids abandon them are vigilant in getting them to return..yet to tell you the truth I have never been vigilant in going after anyone who has ever left me..when they are gone..they are gone..I don't take them back..yet for my son..the feeling of loss overwhelms me and consumes me at times..and all I think about is how to get him back..I remember when my son was 16..he asked me why I never spoke of my mother or why he never met her..i told him because he never asked..and because I have no idea where she is..she left me and my siblings when i was under 2 yrs old and never came back..he cried..for the first time in a long time..and told me how horrible it must be to not know the love of a mother..like he does..and thanked me for never leaving him or his sister..of course at the time the conversation was tucked away in my memory..but I think alot now about that day..and how he knew the struggles I went through..the abandonment issues I had..and had dealt with in therapy for years..and I now wonder if ever does he think that he in fact has abandoned me...does he remember that convesation..that day...the emotions exchanged between us?...I think if he did.he would realize how hurt I really am.. I still try..each day to reach out to him..I just hope one day he will turn around and see me holding out my hand for him to grab.. Lillie |
Ranting....I need to...
My little friend Ashley...(I hadn't seen for awhile since my brother and her sister don't see each other anymore...several years actually...)
My dad texted me out of the blue tonight to let me know that she OD'd and passed away yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks. How? She was only 14...my daughter told me she hung out with the goth/emo kids and that she was a cutter...OMG, didn't anyone see? Didn't anyone try to help her, reach her? They moved. Her sister and my brother have two little girls together...my nieces...but the family was bitter about the break up...so we don't ever see them. They preferred we just didn't. Now Ashley is gone. And I am so pissed that she was just a little girl and that family is so screwed up that they didn't try anything and everything to reach her. I mean wth? My kids mean everything to me. Everything. My daughters are 24 and 17. Ask anyone that knows me, I am a mother first, a woman second. My kids MUST come first because I chose to have them. They're here, it is my responsibility to raise them, nurture them, guide them, support them (to a degree), figure out what the heck is wrong with them when they won't tell me...I can't just sit idly by and think it'll work itself out...the world isn't like it used to be when I was a kid...this world now is scary as heck...and the only thing I can offer my kids IMO (let me add that in case someone wants to jump on me for something I've said here) IMO is to watch them...help them, talk to them, love them even when I think they're unlovable sometimes and they drive me to the brink...cuz if I don't--someone else will...and that devil never sleeps. I am so mad right now. Mad at myself for not knowing, but I know I can't help EVERYBODY...much as I'd like to, especially the youth...mad at her parents for not reaching her...mad at my family for not reaching out to her...mad at the world for making it possible for this precious kiddo to think that there was no hope for her that she had no alternative but to die. Mad at myself for not knowing that she needed help. Next project--youth center specializing in youth counseling/peer counseling. Faith based, you bet. I'll be damned if we are losing one more kid out here to depression and suicide, not to mention drugs. I've had enough. Not on my watch. UGH! |
I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.
The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try. Today was my son's due date. My Libra baby. He never had the chance to take his first breath. His tiny life snuffed out in violence. I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death. I don't think I've ever forgiven myself. |
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I want to thank everyone who recognizes my posts with your thanks. I think its important to share anything that may help each of us—even if its relaying the fact that you even have PTSD. I've mentioned before that PTSD for me is Post Traumatic Shock Disorder. That's not official; I was diagnosed with stress disorder but it does come from a severe shock to my system.
The nature and degree of my condition was severe and so to overcome this is an ever greater challenge. It involves memories, excessive fear, and reliving much of the ordeal daily for me. A lot has left my system and each day I'm on a more even keel. One of the things that I did for myself is everything I could to lead a normal existence daily even being as consumed with shock and neuro-physiological damage. There were hundreds of days that I lived hour to hour—even minute to minute totally comnsumed in shock. Once I commited to face my ordeal, I began to "normalize" my daily life. Healthy eating, sleep, taking care of small things until they became larger things. Keeping my home clean, my things washed—eventually exercising, and I picked up old hobbies, or things I had always enjoyed before things happened. And there were many times that these were a struggle to do. The most important thing I did was to stay out of isolation. People have been very good to me, talking many hours and keeping me company on the phone many a night. I will never forget them for the endless hours they kept with me without complaint. You really find out who your friends are. I made my environment comfortable and as "safe feeling" as possible. I can't stress how important it is to do everything to "normalize" your surroundings and nurture yourself. For me, meds didn't work. They help with anxiety but I could never "medicate it away" as my doctor tried to do. I lost out and my life spiraled out of control—even losing jobs—because I was so medicated. Relieving my PTSD is about letting out pent up fear and shock and garbage that I have internalized for so many years. I'm going give myself a lot of credit here because I could have easily turned to alcohol and drugs—even suicide. So... stay strong and connected, normalize and be really good to yourselves. I hope everyone is doing okay. |
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Not sure how long it has been for you - for me it has been about 30 years. Like you I have forgiven the person responsible (their father) but never myself. My counselor is helping me through this. I'm no longer afraid of the flashbacks and now face them head on. I will win. Jet is right, it does get better. It takes time and you are so worth it. |
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