today the hospital blocked this website for being vulgar.

inbetween morphine shots i may or may not have made the IT people suicidal. assholes.

see me? it worked. i'm posting.

-K is awesome. we have so much in common yay :D
-R is so adorable and I am glad she already feels comfortable with me.
-Tomorrow is going to be super busy w/Daddy, we have a bridal shower to go to THEN a birthday party :/ so exhausting.
-More D, please.

It seems lately I go through my days aching for sleep and then I get in bed and have zero desire or inclination to sleep at all. I seem just so wrapped up in anxiety and worry, and it seems somehow that I am half happy and half miserable most of the time. I wish I could take a tour of the minds and feelings of other people. I've lived so many years in various simultaneous moods. Heavy, dark, brooding - then light, peaceful, flexible, playful.

Sometimes I am so sure that I've always been myself, that I have a very solid sense of self - then, at times, it's hard to know what a self is at all. Things seem so so so defined at times, and then the lines all blur and all the paint runs together and there is nothing solid at all in this world. Sometimes my skin seems so real and so mine - then sometimes I look down at my arm and imagine it could just as easily belong to another person entirely. Sometimes, when I've been overdosing on meditation, this body of mine seems like clothing I've outgrown, and this whole world seems so far from where I am.

I have a friend who almost died once in the hospital. She says she encountered God that day. She says she knows she is supposed to live because he sent her back, but she yearns to return to Him.

I cannot say I've experienced similar, but there have been days this year where life has seemed like such a distant and unreal thing - where it seemed like light and connectedness was the real reality, the overwhelming reality.

My beautiful gf will be done soon with her summer class, and we are planning to spend our time indulging in whatever enjoyments we can squeeze in before it's time for her to return to school. I am going to be meeting her parents soon. :) She really is the most awesome person. She's just beautiful through and through. Her computer-programmer mind and her bee-stung lips and her knack for understanding inexplicable people and her melancholy eyes, her long legs, her freckles, the peace she carries with her, her military bearing, her sweet oval face and her proud forehead, her tomboy grace, her swan neck, her quiet and funny observations, her strange and charming drawl, her ethics. Well, and then there's a light shining from her somehow. She seems just made of moonlight and fire. I never could have imagined her before I met her, and when I met her, I was not looking for a new relationship, but she poured all that light and fire into me and it was such a balm to my troubled, troubled soul.

Last September, a friend told me what her father had told her about relationships. He said, "You know it's the right relationship when the two of you are better together than either of you are apart - when the sum adds up to more than the two of you alone." Having just come out of the opposite type of relationship - where no matter how much love there was between us, the relationship made us both less than we were individually - this little piece of advice was so timely. Hearing it gave me the chance to say to myself, "I want that."

And that's what I want still.

that my baby niece is theeeeee most adorable sweet lil girl ever...
my stepsister arrived yesterday and i very rarely get to spend time with my niece because they live in another province..

she was 1 yr old in May, and she's grown sooo sooo much!!
and she's so smart like her Auntie syl !
:jester:

Yayyyyyy!!! At least I got ONE buddy. :cheer:



We are buddies, right????? :worried:

my conversation last night, listening to her talk to me
i felt every ounce of compassion

Equal

Five years ago this month, I began the process of "coming out" by telling my husband (of 12 years). He then helped me by angrily outing me to our families and a few of our friends. His gay brother tried to tell me that I was coming out "too late" for women that come out in their later years. My very lesbian (and quite lesbian chic) therapist told "I don't think you are gay." She of course was no different than the women I met when I was younger in the military. Apparently being pretty wasn't gay enough for them. Wanting to wear my heels, my makeup and my hair stylish - wasn't militant lesbian enough.

Then there was "The Butch" who really was just one of those militant lesbians styling herself as butch. She said she wanted to help me understand what a real lesbian is, all the while purporting to tell me what a "Femme's" role was. She, in all honestly, was a lazy woman who wanted someone to clean and pick up after her all the time while hiding behind the Butch Femme status.

Thinking a lot lately about the road that led me to this point.. to here. Have had a lot of Butch / Femme friends come and go over the past few years. Met some wonderful BF couples, that have shown me the amazing possibilities out there.

Dated one woman who will never come out. Not that you couldn't tell by looking at her, but she just won't. Fear of family and her church - she came out to me. We've been close friends practically our entire life. It turned out, that I was safe for her. Safe can leave a person very lonely. And lonely hurts in a whole variety of ways. Safe can also lead you to dark areas, you never thought you'd tread. I don't require that my partner be screaming in the streets, but it was hard when my Dad died and she was there in a "just friends" capacity. Likewise when hers passed away. How could one mourn, worried that someone "might see"?

Yep, I've met a couple of you who in the end, broke my heart. But truthfully, as painful as it was, that had never happened before. The closest thing I could ever relate to it up until I came out, was anything involving my children. And for the joy of feeling love, I will hang on to the roller coaster with all my strength.

To know and feel love and feel that love being returned.. FINALLY... feel it. Yeah, it hurts like hell sometimes - but.. life's funny - and .. I have come out of all of these things ... better for them.

The best is yet to come. I tuck my memories in a special place in my heart.

They make me who I am today, a kick ass, beautiful femme !!!

{/scota tangent off}

http://www.johnmanningarchive.org/sh...-Man-Woman.jpg

Being Butch is hard...

I'm gonna pretend I'm feeling ok for a couple if hours then I'm probably gonna take myself to the ER. I haven't kept and food water or water or meds down since Thursday. and since I can't get this nausea under control it's time to get someone else to give it a go.

Texas GOP Platform--wtf.
 

The 2010 GOP platform in Texas supports laws that criminalize sodomy and suggests that straight people who support same-sex marriage should be penalized with jail time.The GOP platform was quoted as openly stating:

“We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy,” the GOP platform reads. Meaning that even though the U.S. Supreme Court overturned sodomy laws last decade (ironically in a case that stemmed from Texas), Texas Republicans would like the state to have the power to criminalize LGBT folks for having sex.

“We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such,” reads the GOP platform.

If a straight person were to aid and abet a gay couple with marriage in Texas, th GOP would like to see that person serve mandatory jail time.

“We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases,” the platform reads.

http://gltnewsnow.com/2010/06/19/tex...rt-gay-rights/

http://www.1888932-2946.ws/TexasGOP/...T_PLATFORM.pdf