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:hangloose:NYC pride
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RE: how long do I do this?
I'm feeling tired and of the "I can't do this anymore mood". I have no one to tell it to, so here goes:
How long do I do this? We've supposedly been "together" for over 6 years. I tried to go slow at first, to do it right. I had my own place as an address for 3 of them but never got to live there. You wouldn't let me. You brought me here after 2 days and I never got to enjoy my own place again. Yes, we were in love. But I wanted my own place too. To have MY space. But your mother got mad, abandoned you/us and we were both sick I mean really sick. She took care of your meds, brought you meals, took care of you when you got sick. I stepped in and did all that. Yes, you saved my life by bringing me from where I was and took care of me when I was really sick. And continued to do so. I know and appreciate it beyond words. But I have been saving your life since I recovered. You have been continually ill from nearly the time I recovered. I loved you so I took care of you, take care of you. I bring you nearly all your meals in bed b/c you are too ill to get out of bed. I check your blood sugar around the clock. I 've saved your life from diabetes so many times I cannot count. I did. do these things b/c of love. But, dear one, I am getting so, so tired. I am very ill, too. I need to be taken care of but I come home from the dr so tired my eyes are crossing. And then you have a major health crisis. I have to figure which, maybe allm of your illnesses is going haywire and take measures to correct it. Usuaually you cannot help me in this process. You have gone catatonic, cannot talk, cannot move. So I struggle to make you comfortable, to make sure your O2 is on you, that your blood sugar is at the right level, check to see which meds you have taken. All this while I want desperately for someone to take care of me for a while. Not for long, nothing too much. Just one week of being able to sleep without worry that the alarm will not work, that your sugar will not drop, that whatever is making you so sick that you literally cannot lift a fork to your mouth unaided won't kick in while I sleep. I get so lonely, my love. I used to have you for company. We have no friends in this dead little town. While you sleep your life away, in whatever world your illnesses have locked you into, I am here in a place where I have lived for so long and not made even ONE friend. Do you know how unheard of that is for me? I make friends easily. If I had kept my little apt, I would have at least acquaintaces to say hello. People to talk with. I was going to reorganize the library there. I already knew the name of the best librarian at the town library behind the building, I had a handicapped apt for when I got my wheelchair. Now I cannot even walk down the street by myself b/c I walk with a cane and the street is too dangerous. I know that you did not intend for life to turn out this way. But while you sleep you life away in your illnesses, I want desperately for a shoulder to lean on. for someone who is awake and can make and bring me coffee in bed once in a while. Someone who can do all the things you promised me in the beginning. I feel myself starting to hate this place you've brought me to, this cold. unfriendly . lonely place. I look at you and remember our love at the start, I've never looked my age but now I feel twice that. I feel more like a nurse than a partner. Oh, love, what do I do? |
How can a European country think of {and produce} a reality show where the Winner gets an all-expense paid Kidney transplant...
And I'm over here in fuck-it-all u.s.a on a long-ass waiting list, risking enormous Debt, and tons of excuses? guh :candle: :badmood: |
I wrote this as part of my response to a friend's editorial column about the need for LGBT friendly members of our local government in order to achieve acceptance for everyone in our metro area. We have a culture of apathy where I live and that is in all communities not just the LGBT. It is extremely frustrating that everyone wants rights and privileges but very few offer to actually pitch in, much less support our efforts.
I'm not giving up - ever... Here's part of what I wrote: We CAN make changes individually and as a community. Imagine what our lives would be like had Stonewall never happened – 41 years ago this weekend a small group of people had had enough. Several years prior to Stonewall there were the riots at Compton’s. And what about Harvey Milk, Barbara Gittings, Frank Kameny, Harry Hay, Larry Kramer, Del Martin, Phyllis Lyon and many others? Their actions helped to further open the closet door for us…but that door has yet to be knocked off its hinges. We can do this if we just get out there and get to work. Understand that we WILL meet with resistance. Change will NOT happen overnight. But if we continue to do little or nothing that closet door will begin to close inch by inch. If you don’t believe me I have 2 words for you: Prop 8. |
I was talking on the phone tonight and realized that I am content. Quite so, actually. It's refreshing.
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Insomnia.................
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Why can't Republicans be more like Dr King or Thomas Jefferson and less like Sen. Santorum or George W Bush.
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so fresh!
best homemade savoury rosemary bread ever :)
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I really....REALLY...don't wanna send an email to fetLife admin asking to fix a typo.....
cuz I know the answer.... and I'm not doing that shit a 3rd time.. :sunglass::seeingstars: |
my puppy and best friend for the last 18 years
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Former VP Dick Cheney is in the hospital with heart issues again. Wondering if this is it or if he is going to bounce back again. :tarot: |
a meeting this week. I hope it goes well.
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Wondering myself into a frenzy now ...
I had dinner tonight with an interesting woman. Now I am wondering if she is trying to come out at age 40. She confided she had been with women ... really enjoyed being sexual with women. Told me when I went to San Fran for chest surgery, she would go with me to take care of me. (I never asked her to help me.) And she had tons of questions about the way I do things in bed, my strap-on, how all that works ... blah, blah, blah ... She is very attractive but I have never given any thought until tonight. She asked me to go eat with her. This woman has always been very affectionate in our friendship but tonight the hugging and the kissing on the cheek seemed more "something" than before. I cannot really read this. Just have to wait and see. I have been told I am a two by four butch. The fact is, lots of times I don't know if a woman is coming on to me ... or just being affectionate and friendly. Maybe it is nothing. Maybe it is something. Time will tell. She has the sexiest freckles and tonight it has started ... now I am driving myself nuts wondering if she has freckles on her titties too. Oh my gosh! :)
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I'm trying to figure what this Sez...
w/o wasting time on LD calls..... http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/i..._77/hebreo.jpg |
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Dr says I need to destress... but my life keeps adding to it. I need to go back to the drawing board and figure out something I can do for a living that won't stress me out but still make enough money to live on. Love life is sucky, health is a problem because of asthma and stress. I need a new life. I am usually and upbeat and positive person, but the last couple of years are starting to wear me out. I hate how I feel about my life and I keep trying to find a way to fix my situation, but everytime I figure something out, somehow and in someway it is unaccessable. The latest being I was sent an application from a college for a course to learn the new electronic medical records thing. Gov't funding etc finally came in and I don't meet any of the criteria to even take the courses. I would need a couple of years of experience in IT and or the health field to qualify to even learn it. I don't have that so I need to figure something else out now. I am overwhelmed.
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Getting things ready and plans made for the union Human Rights conference coming up in August at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, NJ. :)
~Theo~ :bouquet: |
congrats
my brother, Jim, and his lover Kerry are headed to Iowa today to get married.
i wish i could be there, but it is too far and short notice i wish them the best he said they registered at Century 21 lol :balloon: |
Doctors Reports:seeingstars::candle:
A reminder not to try and chat while taking tests:seeingstars: |
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