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How dare any fucking scum bag hurt you! Me thinks you're not at all guilty. We're here for you and tuffboi. |
So much loss and pain, yet we prevail. :)
I read this week about the soldiers arriving back from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD and how many of them just can't assimilate back into their lives and end up on the street. Made me think of how lucky we all are to be alive and have homes and lives. Jet, what you said about making things as normal as possible is so helpful. Thank you! My heart goes out to all of us! It does get better! |
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This is a week of sleeplessness. I'm out of meds but they're on their way. The other thing about "normalizing" is keeping a schedule and maintaining sound sleep. I'm exhausted and old trauma things are recurring a bit. But part of it is not seeing clearly because of fatigue. Don't let this happen to you. I'm not mind racing but I am experiencing a phenomenon of short and long term memories—hundreds of them non stop throughout the day and night. I can tell you what belt I wore with what pants in high school; colors, things people said or did, objects, places, music, friends I haven't seen in years—everything is coming back in vivid detail. I've never experienced anything like this. Things are flying out of my subconscious. And it's as though I'm being restored after living shattered for so many years. There's nothing disturbing or frightening—its just exhausting to go through.
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I have been sick and am on Steroids, which really make my mind race too. I keep wondering of I am out of control and my focus is off.
I totally get what you are saying about sleep Jet, if I don't get sleep I am a mess. Even travel to a way different time zone is difficult. It takes me days to get over it. I kind of feel like a wuss being so easily thrown off my game. Ehhh. We had a yard sale over the weekend, went through boxes and boxes of memories. Wonderful friends came and helped me though it, or I don't know if it would have happened. I wish everyone a peaceful evening! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo (f):candle: |
Good dinner, exhausted tonight and I'm watching Chinatown which is a favorite movie of mine. I hope I can sleep. Everyone have a good night.
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Sweet, peaceful, restful dreams Jet.
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Sleep meds came and I'll get back on schedule.
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One in four women are raped and those are just the reported cases. And that is just one method of traumatizing someone.
A man tried to rape me back on May 2, 1988; I fought him off but not without some injuries to myself. Police were called; he was hauled off with a black eye and a huge hematoma on his forehead. I had to attend sessions at Grady Hospital. I have been "inappropriately touched over the years by male family members and fathers of boys I dated in HS. These events seem to add up over the years. Though it made me stronger having survived things like this; I still can inwardly flinch when someone tries to overpower me without my consent. I encourage all women to take a self-defense class if possible. Though in no way would I ever try to put blame on the victim!!! |
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Also on the same note, not just men rape and touch innapropriately, women do too. It is not "less bad" if its a woman. We all deserve to have control over our bodies and who touches them. |
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I'm not yet comfortable sharing in this thread, but I did want to stop and thank the person who started it and ALL the folks who have contributed with their personal stories and feedback.
It is painful to read things that mirror my experiences or my feelings - but I know it's good for me to know that there are others out there that have felt how I feel and know that it's not easy to just "shake things off". It has taken very conscious effort to recognize what triggers a "bad time" for me - and do what is within my power to avoid them, but also to breath deeply and flow through those subtle things that happen "anyway" and be okay on the other side. Back to reading the thread...:seeingstars: |
Welcome Perfekly! For me, it just helps so much to know I am not alone. :)
It is painful to read, but how each of us coped can be helpful, or just having someone to listen or say it will be OK. (f) I think as soldiers return from Iraq and Afghanistan after serving several deployments PTSD will be even more rampant than it already is. NO matter why we have PTSD, it is painful and difficult for us, and I hope you and all of us have a peaceful rest of the week! |
Hi Apocalipstic!
Thanks for the welcome and the very sage advice (and well wishes for the rest of the week). I was was once married to a US soldier who deployed during Desert Storm. My father was active duty and on board a Navy aircraft carrier during both Vietnam and much later Desert Storm and now I have a 20 year old son who is an MA (navy policeman) stationed in San Diego. I OFTEN come in contact with the same population that you mention and both in extended family and friends. You are absolutely correct in being worried about the folks returning home. The military is not as prepared as it should be to help those young men and women assimilate back into their lives - but I do believe that the attention being paid to PTSD has increased tremendously and there are little pockets of the military where they are doing more - not there yet, but at least the recognition is dawning. I pray for them, for all of us and yes - I count my blessings, every day - even the days when the blessings feel light... ((hug)) Quote:
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I was having a decent few weeks. Eating and sleeping habits had started to develop a rather sound schedule.
It seems though every time things settle there is always a new way to set off an old trigger. I think tonight has been the worst yet since starting therapy. I had a horrible attack that almost had me convinced that I should go commit myself. Nights where the sweating and millions of racing thoughts keeping my heart steadily pounding and my body shaking are the worst for me I think. The most horrible imaginings always seems more possible in these moments. And my inability to grasp and take hold of these racing thoughts leave me weak to their scathing attacks on my character, self-esteem, and confidence. The "fake it 'til you make it" motto just isn't working for me anymore. It gets almost impossible to cover up sweat beading down your temples when you're in an air conditioned room.... *shrugs* I don't know...It's just one of those nights... I hope everyone gets some sleep. |
I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time and I hope things get better much better for you soon!!!!
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Being able to just come in here and post helps out a lot. To know I am not the only one who feels like this is also a huge comfort. |
It won't stop??
I am beginning to think this is the longest panic/freak-out I've ever had.
It started yesterday about 4 pm and now its 9:30 the next morn. I can't seem to get my therapist on the phone and there is no way in hell I'm going there... Looks like I'm hanging out with FB today. :| |
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I am so sorry your are having such a difficult time, I am too ugh. I do have a therapy appointment tomorrow though. The holidays freak me out more than I care to admit. I know its silly but a lot of my PTSD is family related. Could you put on some fun music. watch something silly or call someone to take your mind off things? My head hurts really bad, if I think of anything I will be back. many hugs to you! |
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There's no one really to call. My phone hardly keeps connection anyways. I did however move into a place w a roommate and she should be home in another hour or so. She also has the keys to the stupid med cabinet where we both keep our stuff locked up. I really need to get a another copy made 'cause the damn thing is Tuff-proofed. It's almost like whoever made it *knew* I would try to break in. :| |
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I want nothing to do with the holiday season...And for some reason if you disappear for it half the county comes lookin for you. I've been on and off the puter..Mostly playing with my Labrador..He's my main stress-reliever. Hope your head feels better soon.. |
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I am so glad you are not alone! |
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My roommate made it home...but has NO keys...I fired her as my key keeper 'cause she keeps as good a track of it as I do. :| The keys will be delivered soon; ironically by a pizza guy. Thanks, though, for coming back in and checking up with me. How's your headache? |
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My head still hurts, I am so nervous about what to do about Thursday. UGH. Any better? |
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You have a therapy appointment Thursday? Mine is every Wednesday. Some days I am happy to go..others..smeh.. I'm doing a bit better. And no..A key by the door is asking for trouble. My pills include some very street wanted stuff and I would rather it stayed in my box. It's not that I have people around that I *can't* trust...It's that I don't trust anybody. 'Cept maybe my roomie... Even then..I know where she sleeps. :| |
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Just wanted to come in and catch up with everyone, I hope your all doing well and I promise to come in more often :)
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Therapy is tomorrow, Thanksgiving is Thursday. I am supposed to go to G/F's family's house but I dread it to my core....the holidays trigger deep sadness, resentment and some of my PTSD symptoms. Quote:
Sad,confused. Wishing I were perfect so I coud be thrilled and happy about the holidays. I decided that I wanted to maybe make some of the food my Mom used to make when I was little instead of just having to experience someone else's traditions..and if I have to stay home to do that, so it will be. So tonight after I tutor in Spanish I am going to find some fav recipes and make a grocery list for tomorrow. I am keeping busy and trying to take your advice and keep things as normal as possible. How are you? |
Traying to not make any hasty decisions while I am this upset.
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So sorry to those that are suffering with PTSD. I had a bad day too today. Fighting with the trustee about money and jobs. I have applied to many jobs but no one calls. And I have sleep apnea which I just starting to get used to the mask slept maybe for six hours which is good but still tired and on antibiotics for a sore throat and asthma. I don't want to fight any more about jobs and renting issues anymore with her. She just doesn't understand about being me and my health issues!!
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So sorry you are going through this. I hope your evening gets wayyy better! you would think anyone would understand finding jobs right now is really difficult. She needs to watch the news. Grrr. |
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Normalize. I do not sit in a corner, drink the days away, wallow in self pity, do drugs or anything that would make matters worse or seal my death. I am enduring things unspeakable. And with that, I have met every complication you can imagine; fucked up Rx meds, fucked up MRIs, hardships, constant setbacks, a frightening state of affairs, incredible fears from memories, terror and shock. Because of the nature of my PTSD nothing has ever helped—hospitals, support groups or medication (other than to sedate for brief periods at a time.) Reality...I am totally in the hands of God and, trust me, my faith is a thread that I am hanging on to. I live hour by hour, many days, and manage to hang on to anything positive even for moments at a time. This keeps me going. Today, something wonderful in the smallest of ways—my dad. We spoke for about an hour and a half about many things and it brought back memories of me—the way I used to be and the ways I used to feel. Terrific memories that took me out of my pain. My take for anyone from experience....face the reality of your PTSD, where it's brought you, what's it's stolen—years, opportunities, progress, happiness. You will be out of denial and will have taken the first most important step toward progress. There absolutely cannot be any illusions or denials of any kind at any time. Not saying this is you, but just saying in general. Accepting our state instead of sidestepping our selves or our realities is when God begins to work. He doesn't take it way in the twinkling of an eye, he makes us face it in his strength and through our human nature. Thoughts in general... Forge through dark days and try everything you can to recognize any gifts, light moments, reprieves and any positives in your life. Do that so you know and can reaffirm that your trauma has not claimed everything. Know that you are child of God no matter what belief system you have. PTSD can send us to dungeons and unimaginable darkness and depravity in our minds and hearts. But it is not impossible to break through if you are committed to facing and reclaiming your life. Have faith (even as small as a mustard seed, as it goes); do everything you can to self-nurture to keep sane. Send despair, darkness, hardships and anything that seems hopeless to your higher power however you perceive your God to be. I've had to accept that my life as I knew it is gone. My person as I knew me, is gone—forever or how long is anyone's guess. Recognizing the severity of my PTSD and my state is imperative. Because now, all the cards are on the table. For me, it is do or die and my life is truly in God's hands. And I didn't used to be a prayin' man if you know what I mean. I'm sharing this with everybody to say that darkness and hopelessness and sickness can get unimaginably worse, so do everything to normalize..medication, prayer, support, if you have it, and everything in your space and daily living to make you feel comfortable at all times. I'm still standing and I think you will/can too. So fight like hell. Try to see the light that you do have. See any positives, every day and never buy into negativity and despair that could lead you into darker spaces. They could just be memories, body flash backs and your trauma trying to get out. Mine feels like a pressure cooker getting ready to blow even though my trauma happened years ago. I am a victim and survivor of severe trauma and PTSD that has lingered for 18 years. I post openly as someone who can relate from experience. And I contribute my thoughts and experiences for the benefit of you who have actually been diagnosed with PTSD or related conditions such as diagnosed multi-personality disorder, bi-polar or schizo-affective disorder. I don't have a lot of patience outside of this because as a general rule, we don't know how bad bad really is until we have experienced it on mental, physical or spiritual levels. In my case, all three are affected or compromised. My trauma came out of nowhere and to such a degree that I still experience it as my personal 9/11. That's how bad it is and I'm sure that many of you may relate. I hope we can maintain this thread soley to retain its integrity and intention and as a connection between those of us who have been diagnosed and who suffer on a daily basis. Healthcare can't always be there for various reasons. So to be able to exchange here because we get each other is a nice piece to have. I wish everyrone the best no matter how varied the nature or to what degree our PTSD. |
Its difficult for me to remember when it all began. here are these pictures of this happy little princess, then suddenly I turn serious and dark maybe around 6 years old...the thing that started it all is vague, but so many things have happened since then. I want to know that sweet little Innocent girl, but I can't reach her.
As I have said, I was doing great until 2 years ago January when my father I had not spoken to in many years died. The memories came crashing back and I saw and heard him everywhere. Actually hallucinating. Because my father was an evangelist & missionary, I have been very anti God, but recently in addition to therapy I have joined a Wisdom Circle with good results in thinking about a higher power, no matter what that means to each of us. The holidays are especially difficult. But I go to work every day, the house is pretty clean, most of the laundry done and I am tutoring Spanish one night a week. If I can somehow make it through this week with grace and dignity I will be so proud of myself, because what I want to do from the time I get out of work tomorrow is sit in a closet banging my head on the wall alternating with enough Valium to sleep a week. I have been going through my Mom's old recipes and I may stay home and fix myself her favorites on Thursday. Every once in a while I will find a letter in her things that let me know how horrible her life was before her death and make me happy somehow that she is not here to be suffering too. I wish you all the best! |
I hope that everyone is doing better today, I know I've been having one of those days that I just wanna go crawl in a dark room and hide for awhile
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But in the middle of today's chaos I realized that the strong reaction I have when I make mistakes is directly connected to the abuse I experienced at the hands of my Mom when I was growing up. You learned not to mess up and make Mom mad, otherwise you were "gonna get it but good." Example - Something happens at work, either I forget to do something or was unaware it needed to be done, and my boss says something about it. I spend the rest of the day completely on edge waiting for her to come back and say something else, repeat, repeat, repeat... When Mom would lose it she would hit until she was tired and then walk off. In a little while she would come back and do it all over again, repeat, repeat, repeat... |
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Have our mother's met? Maybe related? :| I hear you hon. I had to move out because of that. The never ending mind game of "guess when I'm going to get you". I am up because my sleep schedule got messed up. I'm going to try again in just a few. |
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My Mom's death in 2007 was devastating. To my surprise it was oddly liberating too. The doctor monitoring my weight loss asked me to be his guinea pig and started me on a combination of 5HTP/Carbidopa back in March and finally convinced me to try counseling which I started at the end of May. (The 5HTP/Carbidopa, prescibed to combat stress eating, also treated what he and my counselor diagnosed as mild depression.) My counselor and I are working through, among other things, the abuse by my Mom. No wonder I went away to college even when I wasn't ready or was even interested in studying what my parents decided I was to study. No wonder I put an ocean (literally) between us when I was 19 and, except for a couple of short periods of time, did not live in my parents home again. No wonder I was drawn into and stayed in some abusive relationships in my younger years. I'm now 51. It was bad but not what I call "Sybil-bad" - on the level/type/frequency seen in that Sally Field movie. Mom suffered from pretty severe post-partum depression resulting in a couple of stays in hospital when I was about 4. She had a lot of frustration and anger that resulted in explosions of temper. She could spank or discipline the 4 of us within reason and most of the time she did. But it was the other times, when she'd lose it over something not particularly serious, that she'd turn into a monster. She'd hit and hit and hit; not caring where, how or how hard she hit you. She'd hit until she couldn't hit any more and leave the room. Then she'd come back again and again - pulling me out from under the bed, desk, from in the closet or where ever I was trying to hide/get away from her. I was in high school the last time she did this to me - at that time she also used her fists and kicked me when I was balled up on the floor in the corner of the kitchen. My brothers were also on the receiving end of Mom's temper as was my Dad - though I only know of her trying to hit him once or twice. My brothers don't talk about it much and Dad refuses to. He wasn't there for the majority of it and I don't think he wants to know about it now. Interestingly enough when she was able to go back to college and then on to law school her tempered evened out. We got to know each other better, became very close and she actually had respect for me. I worked for her for over 10 years and there was only one incident early on when she tried to hit me. I pulled away before she made contact; stood my ground and told her that she better not try it again or I would have her arrested and her law career would be over. Mom's gone but her "legacy" lives on and I will conquer this. |
LGBTQI PTSD - sometimes I think I should add those to my business card :) ahhh I'm so sorry to read all the sad, brave, sore stories in this thread. Me? Well there's abuse, then there's stuff I witnessed that was too much...details maybe one day, I don't know. The flashbacks have been ferking me up badly lately, but I've maintained most of my good little routines and only pounded my head once in the past rough fortnight. Sometimes I think it isn't the trauma anymore, but simply all the aftereffects and scars. Like the wound healed, but in a dirty, jagged, mismatched way.
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