I have a bad habit of trying to sugar-coat the relationship between my mother and I.
It's only been recently that I have acknowledged that habit.
Well damn it..it sucked...it hurt as she wielded her weapons in her power play game.
It still hurts.

Not too much for chatting it up tonight. Rolling with flashbacks bad. It took me over 20 minutes to type this I'm rolling so bad.
Gonna try sleep

Hugs to you tuffboi, it's freaking horrendous when the horrors from the past batter you like that. I'm going to try to motivate myself to see the doctor next week about getting a few pills per month to deal with the worst nights. Argh....I'm so sorry you're so sore mate.

Doing better in the daytime hours and have everyone kicked out of my kitchen.
There may or may not have been death threats involved. :blink:

So far, so good.

I have been into some very deep thoughts the last month and with that of course comes revelations. Like finding lost pieces to the puzzle that's been messing with you for forever.

Happy Thanks Giving all...

PTSD and Me
 

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

• Hypervigilance and scanning Yes
• Elevated startle response Yes
• Blunted affect, psychic numbing Yes
• Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) I didn't realize it until it was pointed out to me, but yes
• Interruption of memory and concentration YES!!
• Depression Yes, another diagnosis: Major Depression
• Generalized anxiety Yes
• Violent eruptions of rage Very Bad!
• Substance abuse For a while, yes
• Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Yes
• Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks YES! You feel like you are a robot, watching a movie of yourself from afar
• Insomnia YES! This one has been very difficult to control, I'm on medication
• Suicidal ideation Sadly, yes, 3 attempts on my life
• Survivor guilt Yes

Thoughts?[/QUOTE]

I belong to a women's sexual trauma/PTSD group and I can say that I find great support and even have made friends with many women in the group. With that in mind, I think it's great that you have started this thread, apocalipstic, thank you very much!

Welcome. I hope there is input here or people whom you can identify with who might add positives to your journey.

j

One breath at a time
 

Hope
 

I had the worst therapy session in my life yesterday. I usually feel peaceful, that one left me in completely the wrong and weeping space. I'm seeing her again in 2 weeks. I'm fairly confident therapy will get back on to its usual steady, productive and positive track. I've had a freaking (literally) tough month. I've lost the plot all over the damn place, but somehow no horrendous conseuences. I'm going to see my gp on sat morning - I think I need my anti depressant reviewed. Maybe a I need a few sleeping pills. I don't know.

Hang in. and fight like hell. I'm enduring the worst of my PTSD and have been for about 3-4 months. There's no let up. I do everything to move through it as best I can. If I can do it, so can you.

Thank you both so much - I'm hanging in there, so are you :)

Half crazed through lack of sleep now, but seeing the doc in the morning.

I wish everyone strength and compassion.

This seems to be a hard time of the year for all of us.

I am hanging in, but ache all over from being so tense. After a meltdown on Thanksgiving morning, I stayed home alone and managed to get calmed down and had a nice afternoon until people who had been with their families stopped by.

My therapist says I am to tell my family and my G/Fs family that I am not doing any more holidays, It freaks me out too bad and its not worth it for my health.

I am traumatized to talk to any of them about it.

UGH

I would rather sit in a closet and bang my head on something. Silly I know.

my family has a reunion in the Summer and on Christmas eve. I HATE it....and I have carried it over to hate going to my G/Fs family stuff too. Its loud, there is screaming, lots fo sudden movement, controlling behavior and cameras flashing.

I like the letter idea, may work fine with my family. I wish my G/F felt OK telling her parents I am a freak, but she lies to them, so I feel like I need to take over and stop the lies and excuses all around.

I don't do family holidays. Last year I said I would go, then ctried all day and did nto go.....then was bathed in guilt for months to a really disfunctional and ridiculous degree.

I hope we can both get a better grip. Though my parents are dead, the abuse is still in my head.

Thank you! I hope so too. Just have to get the balls up enough enough to talk to some people who WAY stress me out and tell then I just can't go through this any more.

I've been trying to get up the balls to come out as FTM to the rest of My family and friends other than who already knows, but I just can't seem to do it. Being on T doesn't help either because subtle changes have already begun to happen (like abit more facial hair) and yet everytime I hear "she" or "her" or "girl" I wanna scream :explode:

New Idea:
 

Acupuncture treats PTSD!
 

DHCC Treats Wounded Warriors with Accupuncture

It's been some time since I've been in. Hope you're all well. When I first began posting in here I thought I had been tackling my memories and trauma piece by piece, a little at a time. That isn't the case anymore. For the first time in 18 years, I'm seeing/reliving the ordeal as a whole. It has accounted for a complete change in my person, caused losses and affected every aspect of my life. And there's severe injury. I have questions about enduring more, healing if any, and who or what I'll become. I'm on meds, but I can tell you I don't have much of an interest in things and because there's so much shock in my system, that's been repressed for so long, I have that constant feeling of buckling or collapsing. The past couple of months have been spent releasing shock as easily as I can. I wish us all well.

Jet - well done and I wish you strength and love and compassion. I can relate to your process. Got my meds changed, am battling through that. It'll be ok.

Hey all..

I have been rolling with flashbacks for..IDK..2 weeks now?

My EMDR therapy has been halted until I am in a better state of mind to handle it. Revelation after revelation have been battering away at me terribly.

I even ran into a friend that I've known since about fifth grade. I allowed myself to get a bit deep with her and admitted to the abusive relationship between my mother and myself. She looked at me and said the damned thing.

"Tuff..You have to remember that I was there and saw years of it. Why do you think I always dragged you to my house to spend the night? No matter how many times you said things were ok I was so scared for you."

Apparently I'm not as good at covering things up as I thought I was. :|

I'm doing much better at my new house. I have put enough distance between myself and my mother that she couldn't visit even if she had the address.

I hope everyone is doing..well..better than yesterday if yesterday sucked for you..and I wish everyone a good tomorrow.

Take care all..And remember..the worst part of this is the work it takes to get beyond it. There's always a reward for ones work. In our case the reward is peace. You are all in my prayers and thoughts. :praying:

Ergh flashbacks....hugs for you, tuff. Pretty awesome that your old friend tried to take care of you a little back then. And so good that your mother can't reach you! I haven't seen my stepfather in about 7 years and am so glad of that.

So my new meds cause insomnia for the first 10 days or so...I have seroquel to help me sleep and they help a bit. Of course, I'm moving house this coming week....bad timing.

Just checking in. I hope everyone is doing ok this holiday season. I know how hard this time of year can be.

I'm doing really good since the last time I was in.

I'm starting to see a spark of my old self. The confident, happy-go-lucky me.
I even braved a little bit of Christmas shopping crowds. :| I still think I'll leave that one alone for a while.

Also, I have been flashback free for the past 4 days now. Just all around feeling great.

Take care everyone..ya'll are in my thoughts.

Flashbacks ... Don't like em

Ugh.

Triggered on top of triggered 3 days out now. A guy in my group of friends has been pushing my buttons since I met him last fall. I made the mistake of trying to explain to him things like not wanting him to touch me, like not wanting him to make sexual comments about me or to me, like not wanting to hear how hot 15 year olds are to him. His response was to post a photo from a friend's wedding - a picture where he had put his arm around me and where I look obviously uncomfortable along with the comment "look at this woman being touched." I felt so violated I wanted to climb out of my skin, but I forced myself to go to my best friend's birthday party the next night, knowing he would be there. I go between total blank to crying to wanting to die and I can't seem to climb out. Oh, and then there's shame and embarrassment and the fact that some of the mutual friends now think I'm princessy and crazy (let's face it - I probably am). I am not a threat to myself - I want to be clear about that - but I am in an emotional hell right now and I hope to crawl out from under it soon.

Doing much better this morning. Not exactly tip-top but much much much better.That was possibly the biggest reaction I've had to something and I am pretty sure it's because I kept trying to force things to be okay when they just weren't.

Anyway, thanks to the few of you who offered me words of comfort. I know it might seem silly but it meant a lot. You get so far out on a ledge sometimes, it's so helpful to remember human warmth and kindness are there.

I have a question about trauma recovery
 

Andrew -

I don't have any answers or solutions. Life can be very hard and especially in times of trouble it can be very lonely. Even when a person is lucky enough to have people in life who are loving and supportive, sometimes it's hard to see or appreciate because it cannot always meet our needs. I think the most difficult struggles and the most powerful anguish are usually and necessarily faced alone, even with supportive others on the sidelines. Also, even the most supportive people burn out. I think really music has been one of the best comforts to me - music and time to recover when possible. I heard recently that small doses of morphine following a traumatic experience can prevent the development of PTSD but I haven't read anything too hopeful regarding any permanent fix once it's set in.

What is it Wesley said in the princess bride? "Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

I pretty much agree, though I think there are moments of beauty and meaning which are worth living through the painful bits for.

(((you)))

Natalie

Life is stranger than fiction. And there was lots of discussion about the film. I'm sure you could google some articles. I don't remember, but they may have used the footage from the cameras that are always on the bridge.

I don't know if you will find this interesting, but I remembered while reading your post - the people always jump off the bridge toward the city, not toward the ocean. Any which way, it's tragic...

(((Nat)))

I certainly relate to ur situation here. Ya know sometimes you just have o be point blank with some people. It is not a reflection on you! It is definitely a flaw in the other individual that he is so disrespectful. I generally am diplomatic and kind when I relay some sensitive info. But, there is a time for an outright 'no holds barred'... get ur filthy hands off of me or I will have to scream it! (and I have!) It stopped!

NO ON HAS THE RIGHT TO VIOLATE YOU! Stand up to this jerk! I know you can!

Wrapping you ribbons of purple energy for strength and justice. Love you Nat

Thank you all for being here and posting.

I have had a major upheaval in my life and my PTSD is acting up. I am so anxions today I could shatter into a million bits....though in other ways I feel stronger than I ever have.

So very anxious!

I could totally use a morphine drip! lol

Today is a bit better. I am looking at houses and moving soon and still have a lot of coping to face. I fear I will be keyed up till I get moved and settled.

Trying to focus on the good in my life and remaining calm no matter what.

I want to kick PTSD.

I broke out in hives all over and had to go to ther doc. Probably nerves. Need to find a place and move asap and try to get things as normal as I can.