June 26


Living as a Megaphone


He whispers in my ear, I part my lips and let it all run out. Vacant tube of a thing, his words pour through me nothing to stem the flow, no diversions, no catch basin. He hides behind me, the bully that he is. I stand with rings painted bright concentric, bold. I am nothing; I know it and don’t need him to tell me, my inactions speak louder than his words. He is not the one who bore right through my core; he is just the little worm who is living there secure. I will have to purge him out to be his megaphone no more.





Protect your awareness


*

OPTICAL ILLUSION

From the right angle a hat pin can appear
Taller then the Empire State Building
I can skew my perspective to such an extreme
Or let my disease do it to me.

I can believe myself to be other than I am
The sweetest, kindest, smartest quickest,
Smallest, slowest, lowest, meanest.
I can see myself as all this and more.

As long as I squint with one eye
And look at only half of an issue
I can play the parts and act as if
These things are true.

I can even get others to play along
I can make fantasy fact if I lower the floor
I can die in the basement, many do.

I can turn my face from science
And be the center of all that spins
Or climb the stairs to ground level.

I can turn my mind to facts and fractions
Leave my better-than, less-than universe
And see the height of everything
And stand tall with my eyes open.

June 27


I am not an Island



Upon finding myself alive I decided to throw my life back into the sea. I was not living on this dry and sandy shore. The baking sun does nothing to improve me. I was dis-engorged onto the beach, but never belonged there. I tried to see myself as evolving, tried desperately to sprout some legs. Sucked air through my gills and attempted to sing, but I am not ready for this today. Perhaps this is my future, the way the current will carry me that I can’t yet tell. I do know I need the water on my scales and pressure in my lungs right now. I do not know what tomorrow brings or what I am capable of just that I will not fault myself for not having been born a dove.







Remember that time passes


*


COLD AND FLU SEASON

The spiritual cold and flu season is upon me,
I am awash in reaction and confusion.
I have been overexposed to the dry thinking
And barking orders of the cough
So associated with this disability.

My eyes swell and blur with my refusal to accept reality
The tickle of discomfort from inhaling disagreeable ideas
Is small in comparison with the nausea I suffer when I swallow
Every line put forth from my dizzy and congested mind.

There is no pill to dissuade my symptoms
I must raise the heat on this inertiac little bug
Parasites breed in the stagnant water of my paralysis.

If I move in my sobriety, sweat a little and flush my system
I should be able to shake this insidious germ
Then I can reach my hand out to the people
Who caught the spiritual flu from me.

June 28




Chock Full of Nuts


I am not a coffee maker. I come from a long line of non-coffee drinkers and I don’t drink it myself. I made the coffee for my home group once and was asked not to do it again. This is when I realized my service talents must lay elsewhere, and they do. I am a good sponsor for those who want what I have or at least want to attempt what I am trying to get toward. I am a good representative. I can carry the wishes of my group to the district. I am learning to share my story and carry the message and hope to do it well. So, my question to you is to what service do you most naturally bend?





Save a key from your past


*

PASTRY

Like French pastry--sobriety gets richer with each layer
As I investigate these layers I approach the buttery center
The fat seeps through the years
Making boundaries crisp and intimacy velvety.

Ingredients which ordinarily wouldn’t mix
Somehow blend and counter point one another in a flaky shell
Fruits and nuts improve every bite.

Though there are times which are a bit crumbly
Most of the structure is strong and invention skillful
Pastry and sobriety are compositions of strength and brilliance
Which are meant to be taken internally.

June 29



When I rise up and when I lay down



In order to be happy with you I have to learn to be happy without you. I gasp at the pain of it and desperately wish that the above statement were not true, but alas, you are gone in a way that I can never reclaim you and to hold on to what of you is still tentatively available I must release my frightened grasp. A wisp of smoke is not the bonfire of our past, but it is what remains and I breathe it in as best I can. Immediately I realize I am holding on again. I breathe you out, let you go. I want to run screaming throwing you from my bonds, yet another of my attempts at control. So, now it’s time to pray. Not a prayer to get my way, not a prayer to make you stay, not a prayer to make you gone, just a prayer to live on my own. G-d help me please to live my life, please guide me away from strife. I am lost and can’t find my way, Father, hold me til the light of day.





Putty the cracks in your hopes

*

SHIMMER

The water ruffles over metallic sheen
Lap after lap screen the view
And still the gilt reflection shines in my eyes.

Hypnotic, the undulance pulls me near
I stand on the edge, gaze then gawk
I follow the underwater movement and iridescent tremolo

I forget place and time, I lose sight of the fact
Gold isn’t the only thing that shimmers
Sometimes that glint is just a fish
.
Life is full of fins and fantasy
My sponsor suggests--I stop looking for my life
In a wishing well.

June 30



Halfway Home


Too far to turn back to the origin, not quite close enough to my destination; I am halfway home. I sometimes forget where I have come from, forget too where I’m bound. I gently remind myself I’m making progress no matter what I know. I am not where I started, not where I am going, but I am not without. There is plenty to do and much to look forward to. I lift my feet one at a time, left then right. I try to keep the steps equally spaced, to prevent past curves and circles. Lost is not as bad as it sounds though I do dream of clarity, stone free shoes and a home cooked meal when I arrive.






Appreciate the bridges in your life


*

REGENERATION

When I am grabbed by the extremity of my thinking
I drop my mind like a reptilian tail.
My feet believe they are in no need of my brain in order to run
Independent flight is the action of the day.

Far from the time and place of my dissection
I find regrowth the problem to be solved.
Unlike a salamanders toe
Can I regenerate my wits to their former ability
Or must I live out my existence with a docked psyche?

My desire curls like a python
But dreams of becoming a phoenix.

Last week marked 8 years sober.

Somedays I feel like an imposter sitting in the rooms. The alcoholic I was seems so far removed from the person I get to be today.

Then, there are other days where I so clearly see the self absorbed entitled escaper of feelings that I still am- and where my drinking gets replace with a thousand different avenues to run (face book, food, here, work, relationship drama, sleep)

i would not have the network of friends and the connections to inner growth that I have now, without AA. And I seriously doubt I would be alive without all that AA continues to facilitate in my life.

but some days I just want to be "recovered". I dont want to be broken. I dont want to translate the lords prayer with a goddess chant that works for me.

Im finding that today I struggle with the word SHOULD. I feel like by now, I should be more balance, more serene, the promises more fulfilled in my life.

And I know, that throughout the last few years, at times I have been.

This year has been amazing. I found my footing again after a divorce of a terribly brief marriage. I became an RN. I chose to take a risk with my heart with an aquaintance,and find new love with new dynamics to grow exponentially. I let 2 AA commitments down due to overworking and then illness, by not asking for help. I did not have a sponsee for longer than one week for the whole year. I gained 40 pounds. I learned how to change a pump on a washer machine, and how to make matzo balls, and how to plant a garden. I also learned that I could live without a car, even in a town with a cruddy bus system. And I learned, finally, to pick up the phone and call people when Im angry, lonely, to NOT eat ice cream when Im hungry, and to allow for sleep when Im tired (instead of overwhelmed)

Thanks. I appreciate having a place to share, amongst family.

It has been 8 years already? Happy Anniversary to you my friend. IMO just by some of your comments made in your post, I can see your personal growth, and self awareness it's showing. :)

This weekend is Living Sober. I will be thinking of you. Again, Congrats!

I had a great time at the meeting...great fellowship and alot of good recovery there. I also finally got a sponsor! I have been looking for one and hadnt found her until tonight. She has something good...

July 1




Exercising Futility


Asking the confused for explanation is like asking a blind man the color of the sea. It isn’t that he couldn’t tell you, but how could you be sure? To exercise futility is more than just a game or the words to a song your mother sings when lost or far away. To take the fish out of water and train it on a bike is meaner than I need to be, but isn’t it my right? Just to do things because they can be done or try them because they can’t is more the worse for everyday a tragedy in pants. Puzzle out the little things and practice when you can, for putting on the frazzled mind is cruel to the poor sweet-hearted sot.





Don’t get hooked by excuses




*

SPONTANEOUS GENERATION

Dust under the bed turns into bugs
My grandfather believed in these alchemies of myth.
I thought myself free from the small witchcrafts of threat.

The longer I stay sober,
The more real is the insidious nature of my disease
Mental clutter does breed all manner of
Squirming and chattering vermin.
Every intellectual closet I leave uncleaned
Is a brooding box of contempt,
False pride and bloated ego.

The synchronism of hatchling defects and nursing grudges
Fairytale thinking and firebrand action
Mimic grandpa’s bedbug rantings.

I can never turn my back on unswept philosophy
Or the dross of assumptions I’ve left waiting in piles.
Spiritual house cleaning is all that saves me
From the transmigration of blood sucking life draining phantasm.

Supernatural transformations needn’t plague me if I take right action
The difference between blessings and curses
Is the direction in which you are going.

July 2



From Mind to Pen to Paper



What a relief to have exteriorized all the swirl of thought, which normally swarms my mind, waiting to take the stage and run through their numbers. Then like deciphering a code I was able to cross out all the irrelevant and redundant information, leaving me with a clear answer. Once there standing on its own; it was obvious and easily explained how two plus three is five. I just love anything that can be explained all on one hand and there it was tidy and neatly fitted in the nest of my palm, easy to grasp hold, of with my fingers or my mind.





Slip an orange into your dreams



*

NOUN, VERB, ADJECTIVE

Model Sobriety [mode’el sobriite] n,v,adj.
1. Model Sobriety acts like clay
Durable and flexible it molds to any situation.
2. Model Sobriety is like a clotheshorse
Everything you put on it fits and looks good.
3. Model Sobriety is the 24 hour version
Of a life-long process.
4. Model Sobriety is a set of axioms
With which we interpret truth.
5. Model Sobriety is what we put in the window
For other sufferers to see.
6. Model Sobriety is the mirror we use
To learn what is natural.
7. Model Sobriety eliminates extremes
In behavior and thinking.
8. Model Sobriety is the mode
My which we become a channel.
9. Model Sobriety is the definition
In and of my life.

Noun, Verb, Adjective

Congratulations!!!!! I so identify with you, all you're going through and all the things you've discovered, too. Live is so much sometimes, but so much better sober. I wish you a million blessings on your head!

hugs,

Sherrie

Softness, this is wonderful! So glad you got yourself a new sponsor, that is a tool I would be loathed to do without! It's so great that you have a local gay meeting now it makes a world of difference to me!

Sherrie

July 3



Trouble with Geometry



You are not allowed to get into trouble on purpose, that’s the rule and if you do you will get no sympathy that’s the corollary. Life is too hard to go looking for trouble, running toward danger, whining about self-inflicted pain. The unspoken law of risk taking is that failure is dealt with in silence. Writhing on the ground after sticking your head in a hornet’s nest, leaves me and the world I know to be speechless in your presence. I know you desire consolation from me. All I know to say is that your actions are incongruent with your life.







Stir the atmosphere in your room



*

DISTILLATION
I came into these rooms with a mixed mental makeup
And a polluted physical chemistry.
I have been transformed
But only into tiny droplets.

The drops are not dramatic but the process is.
Distillation of my thinking is a powerful thing
A volatile act of concentration takes place.
As my brain boils over
And the sane is separated from the profane.

Purity is a spiritual gift,
The result of vaporizing my old thoughts.
Many times the night distills the dew
And I am quickly refreshed,
Other times I must cook for quite awhile.

July 4



Origins



At the root of it all is darkness. The place from which I grow, the structure that holds me fiercely upright, is pressed on all sides by dirt. When I get right down to it the ethereal leaves and twigs even the branches, do not exist, except for my foundation in the composted death and recycled life; the ground. For is it G-d who rains down from the heavens light and water or is G-d truly living at the center of the earth, warming my toes and securing me to what is real.






Use a mirror for words on the tip of your tongue



*

KEY

I asked for the key to my problems.
My expectation was a metal instrument
With which to unbolt the lock to my desires.

What I was given is a systematic explanation
Of the symbols of the plan of my life.
This has been a wonderful gift
And I have benefited greatly.

But first I have to stop brooding
About the loss of my wished for trinket.
Putting names on my map helps me
Stay off cliffs and out of rivers

The code is broken
I can decipher direction and intent
The composition of life’s offerings
Fit and harmonize in unimagined ways.

It creates archways strong and unbending
Giving me access to reefs of beauty and rest.
I asked for the means to open a door
But gained entry to the world.

July 5



Tyler’s Truth


The snow is dying, pouring itself into the creeks and riverbeds. Sacrificing its crystalline structure and community for the ubiquitous oneness of liquid. Drawn by the gravitational lure of the ocean. Unity conquers the frozen individuated whole. Pulled from coast to coast the sun tempts the water’s life, the sea gives up her soul to the sky to be reborn as snow once more.







Open your mouth just to see if a song comes dancing out



*

THE RAINBOW

What is that look of concentration?
Asked my sponsor
I am trying to see the gray.
The gray? She queried.

Yes, I heard at the meeting that between the
Black and white there’s a lot of gray.
Well my darling
I don’t want you to have black and white thinking.

But what lies between black and white
Are all the colors ---the full spectrum
What am I to do with this information?
What do I do with all those colors?
I ask in shock and confusion

For right now, just remember
That all colors aren’t blue.

July 6


What is at the Eye of the Storm?


Serenity is the alignment of three knowledges
1. Knowing that I am not without skill, talent, gifts.
2. Knowing that I am not without community, connection, comfort.
3. Knowing that I am not without G-d, whether or not I believe G-d is able to intervene.
When I am in full or even partial possession of these three I am safe from storm, or no, drought or no, fiery hairy pestilence and without this knowledge everything is storm, drought and pestilence, no matter what anyone else says or all evidence to the contrary. I will make my own mess when bereft. I will pay a large price for ignoring the facts and the lion’s share of this loss is loss of my serenity.





Disrupt the effectiveness of negativity



*

THE BEAR

Living with my disease is like having
A sleeping Bear in the house.
I knew it was there, could hear it snore.

I never felt comfortable or able to turn my back
On it and get on with my life.
I felt under certain threat.

Fearing the bear would wake
When my attention was elsewhere
I proceeded to poke it with a stick.

I prodded it to wakefulness
In retrospect it is clear I was unprepared
For a wakeful bear.

Even with my full attention fixed on the brute
The Bear, which is my disease, roamed about the house
And made forays out into the world.

I had no plan or tool for these events
Finding a legion of people who had worked out
Living arrangements with their Bears
I happily joined their ranks.

My Bear wakes and sleeps at its will
But I am no longer afraid or unskilled
At handling this creature
Today I am so grateful for the Bear in my life.

I would never want a life without it
I live in a world filled with Bears
And would be at a loss as how to exist
If not for the practice and success
With the Bear that is my own.

July 7


Keeping My Seat


I can sit through this. I can do it even when I don’t remember that I want to. I will get through this no matter how it tweaks me and I squirm in my seat. In spite of the unfairness of it all, I can do what is right, because that is what is best for me. Acting out or giving up are options that I have, but I like me too much to choose so poorly. When this is all settled I will still have me no matter what else I gain or lose. If I don’t like me anymore I have lost everything, if I can hold my head up, proud of my behavior this is the most valuable gain. Love is only love if I am still here to feel it, so I will sit still.






Set group goals for your tiny terrors


*

TIME TABLES

I know the train is coming
And I want to read the schedule
I hear rumors that the convoy going to
Feeling will arrive in two years.

The five-year expedition to getting my brains back
Seems unlikely but is often commented on in meetings.
Excursions to far-off destinations such as
Functional and Reasonable have me on my feet
In gleeful anticipation.

Still I wish for a clear mapping of time.
I feel I could leave off the worrying
About the How of it if only I could
Be sure of the When.

This cavalcade of adventure
Would be so much more palatable
With a well written itinerary.

I am enjoying my new home group and new sponsor. I so love being part of AA again. It is so right! I love going to discussion meetings...which I use to avoid at all costs prior to my relapse.

I shared last night about my upcoming surgeries and how afraid I am of the pain management part of it. Meds. I felt so much more secure after talking about this...and know I am not going to be alone while I am recouping from my surgery.

I am so grateful I made it back...

Welcome back!!!!!!!!