Although I'm not femme and I don't date anymore, I found this interesting cause it seems to work opposite for me. It's not that I don't know in 90 seconds to 4 minutes if I fancy someone, it is that I learned over time that the person I initially fancy in 2 to 4 minutes is not likely to be the person I end up interested in.

I mean if there is zero or less than zero chemistry, then that is not likely to change over time, but as for anything other than a complete no go, I never knew for sure. Apparently what I was attracted to wasn't really what I was looking for.

Imagine my surprise.

Again and again.

Until I figured out that quirk I have.

Thank goodness all that is over. I haven't had to be puzzled by my lack of interest in what initially attracts me in over 13 years.

The good news for me is that I knew my wife for a year before I ever met her and we were not in a long distance relationship, we were not dating, we were just friends. But knowing her for that length of time made the initial attraction I felt when I met her to be something I could trust because it was also combined with the things I already knew and liked about her.

Anyway, sorry for the compulsion to add my 2 cents but those posts spoke to me and made me think about how weird this dating thing worked for me.

there is...
 

scientific evidence to suggest it boils down to smell..i think initially that makes a lot of sense although in the long run not so much..chemistry definitely makes it interesting in the beginning, but it's not enough to bring truly synergy..to keep you together through the years..it's friendship, it's sacrifice, it's shared values and humor..and so many things you lose count...but they all count.

Well I don't disagree with this..older>>wiser..but didn't you say it takes you (up to)2 minutes ? It just depends, I think(for me) I can't argue with your experience Gemme!

I'm not really a physical link person. I'm a sapiophile, really and truly.
My attraction is based on humour, banter, and someone "getting" me. That's what flips my chenistry switch. Unfortunately, that can take a few meets with people. So I can't be instantly attracted. I can think someone is hot, physically, but that's about it. And that's not exactly something that sticks around for me. As soon as someone starts talking, they either get more and more attractive over time because I am starting to get revved up.by their intelligence and type of humour, their ability to relax around me, to be informal and cheeky, and see me as a person first, rather than my gender first. Then they *get* supah hot. If they act really formal and polite, talk about nothing I can relate to, view me a femme borg and thus *must* be treated X (don't swear around them, be on best behaviour, potential romantic endeavour only, etc), is more cautious than witty, I'm not going to get turned on. No matter how they look. But it can take up to 3-4 meet ups to figure that out, for me.

But I'm a "p" type that reserves judgement for insane amounts of time.
Many people that I meet that I can't stand initially because I find them abrasive, high maintenance, and self serving, and if I *have* to get to know them (colleague, patient, social situation where I am locked into something for a few days) I find that with some one-on-one time, I discover I actually really enjoy some great qualities about them and I actually like their company.

People I used to have immediate hot chemistry with have pretty much always turned out to be active addicts or heavy drinkers a month down the road. So I am *extremely* wary of that heavy, instant sizzle for some "mysterious" "soul connection" reason. That reason is 99% of the time the co-dependant-addict attraction chenistry.

So I just no longer trust it or go there. In fact, I find that chemistry kind of scary now.

Personally, I believe a pan of brownies can do wonders:jester:

I really don't trust grand gestures on first dates, or the first few dates...I've learned the more grandiose the gesture, the more empty it is...my idea of a perfect date is someone who is casual, yet respectful, not entitled or assuming, but hopeful...someone who can enjoy getting to know each other through an uneventful activity. I love when they want to know me, not just me sexually. I love when they don't mention exes or want to know about my past as if I'm under investigation. I love for things to build, gradually.

Treat me like you would any regular non-romantic person you are getting to know. Be yourself. If that means you don't swear, are very polite, are extra careful with your language - showing a depth of feelings and sympathy and seriousness to show what a sensative person you are... I'm going to be strung as tight as a trip wire trying to not offend you and go home with relief and not want another date.

If you are casual, swear, tell irreverent jokes/quips/banter, tease me to watch my face light up and laugh, use sarcasm, don't take life so very very seriously, keep it lighter, I will want another date.

make me feel like this-
 

I just asked to be treated with the same kindness, respect and warmth that I will extend to you. :rrose:

like a fine piece of Irish Waterford crystal

For me, it aren't any rules set in stone. I do, however, know within 10 minutes or so.

I have met hot Butches and have been initially attracted, chemistry and all, yet that chemistry fades after I realize the lights are on but nobody is home.

The opposite has also happened. If the chemistry is off the charts, sometimes intelligence takes a back seat. Those relationships don't succeed, and I know that now, but damn.

My perfect scenario, an intelligent, stone butch that I share crazy chemistry with. It has to be there for me. While I love good conversation, I can't do it without chemistry. It's just who I am.

My son tells me that I am wayyy to picky, I'm not. I just know what I want and need in order to put the work in.

Polite behavior, opening the door for me, etc...those things will make me weak in the knees if we have chemistry.

Its been a while, heck a long while since I did any "dating".....I've been thinking more about it recently and hmmm - I want to feel, while on the date, that I matter enough to you or at least am interesting enough for you to not answer your cell phone or text your buds unless its an emergency. I'm a Mom and completely understand sometimes you gotta answer.

Talk to me, ask me questions, show me you want to know who I am rather than see how long it will take you to get me into bed. Be sweet, respectful and kind but real cause I'm gonna be able to tell if you are faking it. Show me you're a thinker in how you respond to my questions or the topics you bring up. I also don't object to a show of chivalry but I won't expect it either so don't be offended if I am not waiting on you to open my door (I'm used to do things for myself so if I drop back and allow you do it, if I sense you want to, for me consider that a show of respect from me.)

Have a plan for the night...and the ability to flex it if things go awry. (It also helps if you give me some idea of the type of wardrobe needed, so I can dress for the occasion though I too can make it work)

And if its the first time we're going out: Find a way to be at least a little comfortable around me, I understand feeling nervous cause heck I likely will be and you can help put me at ease if you smile, laugh and breathe. I'll try to do the same...

cause maybe then we'll make it a second date :)

I always keep first dates simple, low cost, low key, noncommittal. I do this for both of our sake. First, let me rephrase that this "date" is rarely classified as such... usually it's just me asking them if they want to grab a coffee or drink with no title. I think it works for a long of reasons.... first, everyone is on neutral, public ground and feels safe. The date can't be easily extended if it's going well, but kept short if it's a no go. In a world that places expectations of sex as a reward for chivalry, it brings it down to a level of "just two people having coffee." Many women are uncomfortable with not being able to pay th or own way (see above) and it lets me gage how she feels... if she doesn't want me buying her coffee... she probably doesn't want me paying for meals and tickets to shows either. i respect her boundaries on this.

Im not big on traditional chivalry... I do think it sets up an unhealthy power dynamic. Maybe better to roll out once we have a connection and both feel on equal footing.


Other than that, I am more of practical, rough and tumble person. I've learn d to play that up rather than down... this means I end up with rough and tumble girls :). I do a lot of picnic packing, drives into the mountain, lakes, beach. Bonfires. I love a good restaurant every now and then, but I prefer having adventures with her, making memories. These thing are rarely free, but often not expensive.

Where I throw that all in the fire is gifts though lol. I'm a sucker for seeing something she may want and wanting to surprise her with it. I try not to let it go to far and I keep it small at first. I don't want her to feel like she is being bought. But as the relationship gets long term, then I like to buy nice things just because.

Depends on the date!

In general I like a little old school chivalry with opening my car door and doors at restaurants and such but if we are going out to hike around in the woods or something, I don't expect as much formality.
And "expect" is too strong a word because I don't get bent out of shape if someone doesn't open my door or whatever. It's just a nicety.

I also don't need my Butch to always pay or treat me. I enjoy treating just as much!

I do also love the little physical things on dates that make my knees buckle: the hand on the small of my back that guides me through spaces, the firm grip on my hand when we are in a crowd so that we don't get separated, the little buzzy feeling of having my hair smoothed away from my neck so he can go in for a little nibble. Those things don't necessarily need to happen on a date (I like it all the time!) but WHOOSH when they do!