When I am quiet, it doesn't mean I'm shy. It means I'm examining my prey.

‎" Never take the free ride in your own life"~~ Nickleback

Thinking about you makes me want to get down on my knees…in front of a toilet…so I can puke.

No one ever appreciates a shovel until they have to bury a body with a spoon.

...does anyone other than me feel like their job description is 'to do the crap no one else wants to do' ?

I don't know if this one is here or not but its one of my favourites...



It's not you it's.....noooo, it's you. :sunglass:

When I say "What?" it doesn't mean I didn't hear you. I'm simply giving you the opportunity to correct the stupidity that is coming out of your mouth.

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness is obviously wrong, a couple dollars can buy me a pack of Oreo's.

Oops.... you must be under the impression I care. Let's just fix that.

Lord please forgive me, because sometimes I know exactly what I am doing and I fucking do it anyway ;)

**** ADULT TRUTHS ******

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. My sister and wife think it's funny to sit at the kitchen table, drink coffee, and giggle because a spider startled me (ok fuck it, the thing scared the crap out of me). It's perfectly ok........later when they leave to go shopping I'll take their deodorants out of the dispenser and replace them with a stick of butter.

16. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

17. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

20. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

21. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

22. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

25. How is it possible that my wife, who leaves her shit everywhere, can find things at the mere thought of it, and I, who meticulously put things away in a neat and orderly fashion, usually color-coded and in alphabetical order, cannot find something as simple as my shoes?

25. I have the short-term memory of a lint ball. There are times that I am so forgetful that I could actually plan my own surprise party.

If your lips were any closer to her ass you'd be fired for sexual harassment.

I failed the Health & Safety Class today. Apparently, when they ask you, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Fucking large ones" is not the correct answer.

Determination: the feeling you get right before you do something extremely stupid.

If I ever go missing I want my picture put on beer bottles instead of milk cartons. That way my friends will know to look for me!